Asexual? Low Libido? How do I Know? A Therapist Explains

[@BrittanyArtPoetry]

When I was a teenager I once asked my doctor if my ADHD medicine was the reason I was asexual, since an altered libido was a possible side effect. He looked so uncomfortable, but I was genuinely concerned if it was a side effect 😂 for the record I am actually Aro/Ace

[@cylaisawesome]

Back in was just married and so stressed about having to preform sexually. I had sex with previous partners, but it was more out of "okay we are on our 4th month of dating we are supposed to have sex now" and while i enjoyed my time with those partners, i did not stay long with them before my spouse. The long term "obligation" to enjoy sex drove me into a depression. I wanted to "want sex" outside the first fee times of just discovering our bodies together, but i couldn't. I was confusing human curosity about sex and a aesthetic appreciation for the human body as a sex drive. So when our therapist asked if i was attracted to my spouse, i said yes. There was never a deeper conversation about what the different attractions were and i feel like i was completely failed by because of that. We were "prescribed" sex and "the more i do it, the more my body would enjoy it" as if it was exposure therapy. Instead i began having panic attacks on the way home from work because i felt like i was "lying down and thinking of England" but per my therapists instructions that i would eventually feel this desire again. My partner never forced me to do anything, i consented to everything because i believed my therapists instructions. Eventually we stopped going to that therpist as i was only getting worse, having to quit my job because i was getting panic attacks at lunch time bexause of the fear of sex at home. Eventually, all on my own, i discovered that there is aesthetic/romantic/platonic/sexual attractions and people can have split attractions. I finally figured out that appreciating the human form and just wanting to be physically close to them doesnt mean i experience sexual attraction. I finally felt seen, but my body will never forget "lying back and thinking of England" as instructed by my therapist.

[@Reed5016]

That sounds so traumatic. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

[@Silvermoonscorpion]

As a VERY sex positive and capable being I AM SO Sorry you went thru that!! I'd of laughed in your therapists face just before firing them. You should NEVER have to disassociate whilst you're sexing... Period!! I have ZERO degrees nor certificates and I know that. For those of us very sex capable, I'd hope anyway, we don't want sex if our partner(S) are not actually into it. I'm so sorry you had to go thru that. Yikes, 😬, 🫂 if that's ok.

[@abbieyoyo]

i definitely identify as being on the ace spectrum but i also wonder how much of it is because of my religious trauma being told sex was bad basically? because i just feel like i don’t often feel a desire to be sexual WITH someone, even when i have felt strong romantic feelings. whereas internally i feel like i have a good amount of sexual energy, especially when i am drunk or high (usually high) and it relaxes me. anyway sorry if this is tmi but it’s just something that has perplexed me as i am trying to get out there more but then i have no desire to once i do? but in my head i definitely wish i was more sexual…ugh 😭

[@SapphoWLW]

Before I add my opinion I find important to ask: How do you felt before? When you were more religious/influenced by religion? Did you like the idea of having sex only after marriage? How does that make you feel? Do you think you want to have sex with your partner but is okay to wait, or you don't even are interested or anxious for that day to come? Even after stopping going to church and believing some religious things, that kind of stuff stays with us, so I know some of these questions are very difficult to answer still, but I find it important to think about. One day one person came to me questioning if I was in fact asexual or just celibate, these are two things completely distinct for me, it became more clear after I realized that I wasn't even interested in sex basically in the first place. After I lost my virginity I'm still uninterested in sex and prefer all the other stuff, which differs from some religious person who after marriage have sex frequently and like/are interested in it.

[@abbieyoyo]

@@SapphoWLW, i definitely still have some shame around it though. i don’t feel sexual desire too much, and the times i have had strong romantic feelings they were not reciprocated so i don’t know if that would possibly change it, but even when i had those feelings i was afraid of confessing my feelings because if they felt the same it would typically mean a sexual relationship and that caused me a lot of anxiety. but in all fairness back then i was still in the mindset that it was wrong before marriage back then. it definitely has stuck around with me. i can’t figure out how much is that and how much is just me and my identity outside of those rules and regulations. thank you for your comment!

[@KellyRMinter]

All of those layers can be hard to parse through. Y'all are asking some really good questions and I love that you are willing to dig in for the answers 💜💜

[@SapphoWLW]

@@abbieyoyoI understand you. I felt sad but at the same time relieved when someone didn't correspond to my feelings. I felt that if someone was interested in me and they found out about my lack of interest in sex/asexuality they backup and lost interest. That, or I will have to have sex even not wanting to. The difference between me and you is that I'm less religious/influenced by religion today, so that's a little easier to differ. I guess you will only know if you get into a relationship, that was how I found out I wasn't demisexual, that I love people (i'm with him for 7 years now) and still doesn't want to have sex with them (Doesn't bother me waiting for marriage, to be honest I think it doesn't bother me never do it). Only then I knew more how I work.

[@abbieyoyo]

@@SapphoWLW i definitely relate to what you said about the mixed feelings when feelings were unreciprocated. i am not religious anymore (i’m still working through it and deprogramming myself because i was deep into it and it’s been slow going until i moved out a couple years ago) so that helps but see above the programming is still deeply rooted in my psyche and i’m trying to overcome it but keep hitting walls when it comes to relationships and sex. i am looking for a therapist though so hopefully if i am lucky i can find someone to help me navigate through this!

[@Becoming0ne]

I feel like this video could be broken down in multiple parts and each one explored in depth. Maybe you could do that in some future videos?

[@KellyRMinter]

Yes, definitely! 💛

[@barbaramatthews4735]

Why are people with a low libido left out? I hate the word "just" as in "just a low libido " Isn't a lack of attraction and desire closely related? Why are people with a low or no libido not being supported by the ACE community? I have almost no desire for sex. It really doesn't matter why. Even if there is medical or psychological factors at the root, the results are the same. I have no interest in sex. I feel like the closest identity doesn't accept no desire but only attraction. I feel how you have attraction when you don't desire it in the first place. In the past, I had a sex life, but I was never fulfilled. I never established a long-term relationship. I don't know if I fit in anywhere, and there is little support for what I feel.

[@KellyRMinter]

You ask some really good questions. I do have another video coming in August about this, but to briefly answer some of your questions here: Often when "just" is used (in my experience) it isn't meant to diminish the experience of those with LL, but to normalize the experience. I think it is also important to remember that, no matter what society tries to say, there is no "normal" libido. As for why people whose libido is lower than they would like it to be due to medical or hormonal influence, I can say that many in the ace community feel that their automatic inclusion onto that spectrum lessens the validity of those for whom it is part of their identity. That said, if someone identifies as part of that spectrum, then they are part of it. It isn't appropriate for other people to say what someone's lived experience is and is not, you know? Anyhow, I hope that this has made a bit of sense. Check back for that video in August, it may clear this up a bit more. 💚💚

[@hephaestion12]

Thank you for being around on the internet ❤ just experiencing some mild homophobia today so just wanted to post a message to say thank you for reminding me our community exists somewhere ❤

[@KellyRMinter]

❤️❤️❤️ I'm glad you know you're never alone ❤️❤️❤️

[@jomortonbrown]

Keep up the great work ❤️

[@Boris8930]

To people who say sex is the most impotent thing in a relationship, I can ask you, do you have freinds that you dont have sex with or have sexual attraction for, the reason why I ask os freinds are relationships to. I am bi-greyrose/Bi-greyaroace which means I only experience sexual and romantic attraction under specific circumstances and it can be a weak attraction or a stronger attraction. In 15 years i have experienced a weak sexual attraction to a person, I had no romantic attraction to that person, and I have had a strong sexual attraction to another person and I had a weak romantic attraction to that person, I dont have these attractions for that person anymore, but we are cuddling, hugging etc. alot, we have a strong sensual attraction to each other. Also you can be asexual with hight libido or you can be an allosexual (a person that experience sexual attraction) with low libido or you can be anything in between. Libido and sexual attraction is two different things. If you are asexual with hight libido, you can satify that libido trought "adult" content like movies and doing so is still making you an sexual person, because you didnt feel the sexual attraction.

[@KellyRMinter]

Thank you for sharing your perspective 💜💜

[@Silvermoonscorpion]

I'll say sex is one of the most important things in a romantic relationship for me. With my platonic friends, nope. Not any sexual, sensual, romantic interests or feelings about them. Some I can and do hug but it's more of a hello, goodbye or condolences /congratulations kind of a thing. Romantic and sex/sensual are one in the same for me. If I'm committed with someone, it's bc we both mutually want, need and agree with each other being each other's one and only. I have a high libido and only want to partner with someone who can match. Otherwise it becomes very platonic and then it's a regular friendship. Similar to a sister or cousin. Oddly and ironically bc I do identify as a demi sexual, I'm ace as well but that still hilarious to me. So, I guess the bottom line is I require that zap in order to like someone in that way. And obviously they need to reciprocate otherwise it's a nope. I've had a crush find out I had a crush on them and while they didn't feel lovey dovey back, they were ok with sex just to get laid. I could not do that. I'm told I'm a sapiosexual. Looks really only become important after I've developed the crush. I really need intellect, humor, heart/soul connection. Their physicality then becomes more like their visual fingerprint and that sets off my physical attraction to them not before. Monogamy seems easiest for me as well. I hope this answers your question..?

[@Boris8930]

@@Silvermoonscorpion Let me say this, there is not a right or wrong answer to all these things. You shall do what feels right to you. The reason I use bi-greyrose/bi-greyrose is because there are alot of labels i could have used and would fit me well. When I experiencing sexual and romantic attraction to the same person then making love is importen for me as well, but also there it can be abit weird for me there, when it comes to penetration sex I am sex repulsed to that, which mean I can have different kind of sex, just not penetration sex.

[@somes3cretcat]

I just found your channel yesterday and you’re helping me so much thank you Kelly!! How can we book a session with you?

[@KellyRMinter]

I'm so glad you are here!!! Right now I can only see clients in FL, VT, and some countries outside of the USA. In the fall I will be able to see clients in VA and NY also. You can get more information through my website, which is linked on my channel banner 💜💜

[@somes3cretcat]

@@KellyRMinter so that’s not including Canada right?

[@KellyRMinter]

@somes3cretcat some areas of Canada I can, but others I can't. It is because certain provinces regulate therapy and others don't.

[@taniaseal7154]

I remember in my teenage years I couldn't wait to have my first sexual experience but religious guilt around sex corroded my desire and left me with a low libido. I developed vaginismus as a result which stopped me persuing relationships. My GP was quite unhelpful and flippant so I've just went on for years hoping it would rectify itself, which of course it never did. Looking back now I realise therapy and better guidance from my GP would have helped me heal. I urge anyone who is going through this to seek therapy and don't give up until you find what will help. ❤️

[@KellyRMinter]

That's great encouragement, and I am sorry you didn't have that support for yourself. I hope you do now, or are on your way working towards it 💙💙

[@SapphoWLW]

Awesome!

[@KellyRMinter]

Thank you! And thanks for watching 💚💚

[@SapphoWLW]

@@KellyRMinter ❣

[@sylmanyeki9323]

Hi Kelly! Can a woman be a lesbian and asexual? What are your thoughts?

[@KellyRMinter]

My short answer thought is absolutely, yes she can 💛

[@Boris8930]

You can maybe greysexual which mean you can experience sexual attraction sometimes or under specific circumstances and that attraction goes to other womens. Now I dont know how you experience you attractions, but there is something called demisexual as well, which mean you dont experience sexual attractions until you have a deep emotional bond/connection to the person and that ofcause can also go to a women. I am something call bi-greyaroace/bi-greyrose, which mean I do experience sexual attraction and romantic attraction sometimes, but I do only experience those attraction under specific circumstances and it can be weak or stronger. And ofcause being bi means that attraction can be to all sex and genders. Instead of bisexual and biromantic, you can also cal me heteroflex (which mean I experience attraction mostly to the opposite sex/gender), because I experience these attractions to womens most of the times and personally I dont mind if you call me bi or heteroflex or bi.

[@Silvermoonscorpion]

​@@Boris8930the biflex thing. Never heard that but it fits me well. I'm bi but I prefer men to women.. It's like a 70/30 ratio. I think ladies can be a more pure lustful situation where with men, I need a connection. I do wonder if it is a trauma response?