Libido vs sexual attraction | Slice of Ace

[@MoistCrumpet]

This is very reassuring. I’ve been debating on whether or not I could be asexual, and I think I probably am somewhere on the spectrum. Sure, I have a libido and often fantasise, but it’s never about anyone in particular. It’s directionless.

[@MaeAlessa]

Same!

[@EmbeReii]

Same-

[@streptopelias5577]

s a m e

[@dorma_1]

Aegosexual

[@eearnest6147]

I have been struggling with the same thing and this sums up my feeling so entirely it is shocking!

[@elenik5672]

Me: Years of desperately trying to understand my body You: 7min video Me: Epiphany! The puzzle pieces finally fit together! It makes so much sense! Thank you so much!

[@SliceOfAce]

You're very welcome! 😊

[@sunmarsh]

Huh. This is actually something I hadn’t thought about before. But it makes sense, because asexuality is not a result of any physical deficiency, so it makes sense that most asexuals probably do have a sex drive? I understand why allos find us so confusing lol.

[@petervrooden9849]

I don't think only Allos find it confusing. I think Aces can be confused by all of this too. Maybe confused isn't the right word. It's amazing to see and hear so much variety and diversity in a group of us. It seems like everyone has different experiences according to their seksual attraction, libido, romantic attraction, platonic attraction and romantic/seksual behaviour. We really are a bunch of individuals with loving cake as our main similarity.

[@sarahm4669]

That's an interesting analogy with the food. Never experienced sexual attraction, but I feel like it might be more of an "I like cake" thing rather than "I want to eat cake". So you could be a person who likes cake (a certain person or gender), so when you are hungry (libido), it's likely that you'll eat cake. But if you're not hungry, you still like cake, even though you're not going to eat it right now. I guess that would make ace people the equivalent of a hungry person looking into their fridge and not liking anything they see, even though they're hungry lol

[@SliceOfAce]

Now you've made me hungry... 😅 For food! 😳 I suddenly realised how wrong that could have sounded. I want cake 😅

[@wanderingohm]

Dude that last sentance 😂

[@westangayidols]

I was so shook when I learned that some people just think that they want to have sex with someone. Such a crazy idea to my ace mind xd

[@Carlos-ic4ld]

Not related to the video! I just wanna say that I really like your videos, it's good to have male representation like you! 💙

[@SliceOfAce]

Thanks! 😊

[@mollywillo]

People are always like, don’t worry, u can still be ace if you have libido or a sex drive! And that’s great and I’m glad people can be validated in the community but as someone who has never once felt ANYTHING down there or in the head, never had the need to masturbate or arousal or anything, I’m left wondering how common that is, and like am I aight

[@SliceOfAce]

You're totally fine! Aces don't have to have a libido either. Either is perfectly valid 😊

[@soccercool13]

This was super helpful. Thank you!

[@greenlast_7249]

This video has singlehandedly solved 3/4 of all my doubts with my sexual orientation goddamn

[@SliceOfAce]

I hope that extra 1/4 isn't bothering you too much!

[@greenlast_7249]

@@SliceOfAce lol, thank goodness its not :) every day learning something new abt myself so its pretty bearable lol

[@dilemma_unheard-of_dilemma1917]

In highschool I never really wanted to date anyone. I’ve never understood kissing or romantic stuff, (I know aromantic and asexual are two different things, but I think I’m both). Ive sometimes felt affection attraction to people I don’t know (like entertainers) but no one I know.

[@mercedesburton5459]

I am an asexual with a very high libido. I am also demi-romantic. When I got into my first relationship, which was right before the pandemic, I have been wondering if I might be demi-sexual instead. It is very hard to tell if my libido is being triggered or if it just being its high, normal self. I know I don't experience aesthetic attraction, but I know that is only part of romantic/sexual attraction. Anyway, I understand the confusion that everyone feels when trying to explain this, especially if you are experiencing it.

[@gene8565]

ive used the hunger and appetite analogy to explain this to partners for YEARS, I loved the way you explained it.

[@miratarnish6316]

This is what makes me question if I'm even ace, while it's true I've never really been attracted to anyone, I also never really felt anything in the way of libido. Sex has always been a curiosity at best or a peer pressure thing.

[@cradica]

I feel as though I've definitely felt libido to an extent, though sexual attraction....not sure TBH?

[@martinmoore8216]

Great to have your perspectives always, a worthwhile conversation for sure. It can be so confusing.

[@fairy_gvts]

This was really helpful just hearing the difference. Ive thought I was asexual for a while, but this confirmed that I'm somewhere in the spectrum. When you said that libido is direction less, I really connected to that. I feel like my sexual feelings arn't directed tot partner, and I just want to satisfy those feelings by getting them over with.

[@n0nameneeded]

This!!!!!

[@aiiiia9971]

I felt that

[@majesticwyrm]

He uses the best analogies. In the future, I think I'll actually use this.

[@SliceOfAce]

He thanks you 😂

[@VincentWolfeye]

Cis het guy here. I'm trying to learn more to be a better ally. This video helped a lot. Thank you. Some things you take for granted when the world works as it does and when I heard that ace do feel a libido I second guessed what I understood about it and now I know better. I'm learning things about myself as I go. Thanks again. Hope all the best for you and all you've helped to inform.

[@QuillWorks]

Can you do a video on physical versus sexual attraction (if you haven’t done one already)? I get confused because I can admire someone’s physical features and think “hey they’re cute” but that doesn’t translate to “I’d like to have sex with that person” and I’m confused with whether that’s normal or not. I’ve pretty much decided I have very low libido, but I’m trying to come to terms with whether or not I’m asexual. It also brings up questions over whether I’m bi since, just as I can think a guy is attractive, I can also look at a girl and think she’s pretty, but since I don’t feel a sexual urge toward either I can’t determine if there’s any real difference. It’s like admiring a painting: if something is pretty to look at, I’ll enjoy looking at it.

[@SliceOfAce]

I think what you're talking about is aesthetic attraction? Here's a video I did on types of attraction: kzbin.info/www/bejne/l3u2aa2Eqb51jdU

[@QuillWorks]

Slice of Ace Thank you! That’s exactly what I mean

[@wanderingohm]

Thankyou for sharing your thoughts... I share them 😅 its just nice to know someone else has pondered the same thoughts and im not just driving myself insaine

[@Dub_97]

You can think someone is pretty or that guy is handsome, there’s nothing sexual there. It’s simply sexual attraction is what you find sexually appealing on something and even maybe experience a mental or physiological arousal. Desire is you want to engaged sexual acts with that person if so

[@mylife-23]

Things make more sense now....

[@yasdnilgoth4100]

Thank you for this informative topic! I wonder if Romantic libido exists? The word was created to describe my infrequent desires for a romantic relationship but wouldn’t settle seriously later on. I identify as a greyromantic Asexual but sometimes I would think about experiencing a romantic relationship but at the same time feel it’s not for me. Confusing yes but that’s how I feel and it can change.

[@sarahm4669]

Hm, it's harder for me to imagine a romantic equivalent to libido since romance isn't really tied to specific physical acts in the same way that sex is. Grayromantic seems like it could be a good descriptor for you, but I'm also reminded of lithromantic

[@carsonblair9547]

The asexual ring! Wow that's utterly amazing!!!

[@margaretfudge9985]

I've got one very like it. I bought it from Amazon.

[@e.s.lavall9219]

Best explanation of the difference ever, great vid!

[@SliceOfAce]

Thanks, I'm glad my ramblings made some sort of sense 😅

[@Kotifilosofi]

These videos will be so helpful when explaining aroace myself to the allo people around myself. Thank you!

[@frogwlw9268]

Its perfectly explained wow! I feel so understood now, I just thought people had low standards and were so horny for nothing. I experience aesthetic attraction and that is the only attraction I feel :). so yeah

[@sarahisabql]

I discovered your channel not long ago and I’m so glad i did🥺✨ i can finally feel related to and comfortable with who i am. Thank you 🥺😭❤️. You’re helping me understand a lot about how i feel and who i am💕. I love youuusjhdjlsjsgajs

[@SliceOfAce]

You're very welcome 😊

[@fefecalo5150]

For the past year, I started to realize I may be in the asexual spectrum. But I was bombarded with all these terms and it started to become confusing and convoluted. And it was really hard to pin point exactly where I fall under. But I really wanted to educate myself, for the sake of an open mind and my own personal clarity. For that, your videos really help, a lot. And now it's easier for me to accept that everything is not just fluid. So thank you

[@tashabagwandeen926]

Thank you for this. This cleared a lot of things up for me. I was so confused but now it all makes sense for me.

[@SliceOfAce]

You're welcome!

[@harumoneai]

thank you for the explaination. I'm quite positive I'm asexual now. tho tbh it's still kinda hard to believe that someone can see someone else and thought they want to have sex with them. all my life i never have sexual attraction to others, even after i have a partner for a few years. i never thought too much of it tho, because i don't feel there's something wrong with me, i thought it's just normal for a women to not be interested to someone sexually. i realized that i might be asexual after talking with a friend, tho this topic is kinda hard to understand. the food analogy is a great way to explain it.

[@sweaters_and_harmony9525]

You explained the differences VERY WELL! I wish I had these words years ago when I figured out who I was. Thanks, hun!

[@cindy846]

I still don’t completely understand the difference 🤷🏽‍♀️ but interesting video!

[@madgadgetss]

seeing the blur while wearing my glasses feels very concerning xD

[@charcharchar2806]

I shared this view on AVEN (specifically that humans are complicated and could seek out sex and be asexual) and the response was "ugh not this bull**** again ... people like that (refering to me) are ruining asexuality".

[@sarahm4669]

I feel like it makes sense for some ace people who have libidos to have sex though, especially if they are in a relationship with an allo. It's just like masturbating but with a partner, right? I don't see the big deal

[@SliceOfAce]

Hmph, that's stupid. I'd heard about gatekeeping like that on AVEN... 😔

[@Kotifilosofi]

I think in general people on AVEN are very open-minded when it comes to being sex-favoring ace (contrasted to sex-repulsed or sex-indifferent ace). But I've came across some individuals, who just simply are very sex-repulsed themselves (nothing wrong with that per se), and thus they don't even realize when they're talking in a manner that can be demeaning or erasuring to sex-favoring or sex-indifferent aces. It's constant balancing between "what feels good and right to me" vs "what feels good and right to someone else", and how to express myself without hurting others. So, sometimes it's tricky.

[@charcharchar2806]

​@@Kotifilosofi I've heard second-hand of aces saying things like "I'm ace so I don't want sex" and getting angry responses calling them gatekeepers, which I think is unfortunate because if you are talking about your own experience, I don't think the burden should be on you to make sure your words couldn't possibly be interpreted as erasing the spectrum - especially if you are just on the forums and not a public figure with a responsibility to give your platform complete information. My own experiences have just been with exculsionists telling other people they don't seem ace / that there is no spectrum / that they are just confused by a hypersexual media / that they have a right to share their opinion / that they claim they've done nothing wrong when mods tell them to stop. I agree with the assumption that most people on AVEN are kind and open-minded. But if you were at a party and a few people were being jerks, and everyone else quietly agreed they were being jerks but didn't want to get into anything toxic - you'd leave the party or stop saying things that draw their attention. I don't have the perfect solution. I started out clashing with exclusionists, but found it too emotionally draining. Now I use KZbin videos and AVEN status updates as a saner way of being supportive without the more personal backlash of a thread.

[@Lumors]

Sounds like it is just as hard for them to imagine as it is for allo people to imagine asexuality. Fair enough, I can relate.

[@timnewman1172]

As someone who identifies as demi/gray with a fairly high libido, I would compare it more like the urge to use the toilet. The libido is the drive to go "relieve myself", but other than a sense of relief I gain little pleasure from it...

[@theoryofawesome_]

been questioning for years and i always got back to ace, but i always thought i wasn’t because i have a really high libido and would sometimes feel a desire, but i never really found anyone attractive or had a crush on people in school. this video made me finally realize who i am. i am asexual. i am me

[@cradica]

Same here honestly

[@deespresso7033]

Also wanting to add that even if you're an asexual with a high libido, you don't have to satisfy urges at all, it can just be more difficult powering through them when they come up. What's worked for me is accepting I'm not a sexual person, reminding myself that every time an urge comes up. Knowing the fact that I inherently don't want to act on urges despite my body telling me to do so helps me feel empowered as I'm reciting affirmations to myself with each urge that comes up. "I am not a sexual person", "No. I don't enjoy doing that", "Sexuality isn't for me", "I feel the urge but I don't enjoy what it's prompting me to do and would prefer not doing that" and one of the most important ones for me personally "If I decide to go through with the sexual act, that's fine. It's not a preference but I won't put myself down for acting out on it as I know it's not the main preference." Being kind to oneself, declaring self-affirming affirmations helps out a ton. I now own and accept my sexual urges by use of affirmations like this, hope it can help someone else struggling with a high libido, too.

[@petervrooden9849]

Again a great video! With lots of topics to think about. But there is one big question left, How where the Brownies?

[@SliceOfAce]

They were nice! My mum had made them earlier in the week 😊

[@petervrooden9849]

@@SliceOfAce What would we do without our mums!

[@thomasnoe1193]

Thank you for posting this -- it was very informative.

[@SliceOfAce]

You're welcome 😊

[@zuzanabartekova4823]

This is so reassuring! I'm still trying to find a word that would describe my sexuality and this answered a few of my questions. It doesn't mean I now know I'm ace but it's nice to know that yes, that is in the options (it's not like it's my dream to be ace, it's just nice to... I don't know? To know it's a possibility because part of me thinks that's who I am? I don't know)

[@manpun3645]

This was vrey easy to understand; thank you.

[@cookieandme23]

I don’t have a high or low libido I don’t think I have any libido at all, what would that mean?

[@SliceOfAce]

If you're content with having no libido, then it just means you have no libido and that's fine 😊 There are plenty of people who don't have a libido

[@Glitter.rainbow.fairy.a]

I thought this was a great video and a really interesting perspective

[@nea_22]

This was really helpful, thanks!

[@pia1593]

I needed this sm thank you!

[@Mathilde_Moksha_333]

Hello :) That is very interesting! I'm discussing this with a friend who is in that situation of having libido but no sexual attraction, and at first I couldn't compute the two together (well, the two not being together in this discussion). That is, until we made parallels to other bodily urges, like eating, just as you do in the video. Because both my friend and I do not tend to feel compelled to eat when we are hungry. I can feel hungry, but I'm not pursuing food, and I might not eat anything even if there is food right under my nose at that moment/in that place. It sometimes happen to me with thirst too, though less so. It does feel unconfortable, but it doesn't make me want to eat most often. I hope this analogy might be helpful for some people who might have something similar for different body functions, but not sexuality and who like me were confused at first even though they know exactly what it is, but for another physiological drive :)

[@lakelandruion3231]

Best explanation so far!

[@Barkyfortress]

Oh shiiiet this has me realising a lot of things.

[@rainstorm1809]

Ok but sex is not a drive, it’s an incentive motivation system. Everybody read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. I think another thing that has helped me sort through all this is learning about arousal nonconcordance.

[@CCCcustomer]

nice thank you, i was wondering if i was asexual but i think i'm just demisexual with very low libido.

[@SliceOfAce]

I'm glad I could help! 😊

[@marinakrae5505]

Thanks, this really helped me ^^

[@BlahajE]

Thank you! This video really helped

[@SliceOfAce]

Aww, I'm glad!

[@oconnell6587]

The only time I think of having it with people is when I see it in tv shows, then I think is that ‘that’ type of attraction or am I just really confused. Then because I’m confused I try to imagine my self in that situation. Is this ‘that’ type of attraction or is it me just being confused.

[@12carla4]

Not me being sexually active for over a decade and realizing I am the ace spectrum with a seven minutes video

[@iagreebut7269]

how do you know when you have a sexual desire to be with a person/gender?

[@sunnystars1261]

I think I'm asexual:)

[@freeNode5]

Debating whether masturbation is mentioned too many times in the explanation? I've never felt desire to interface with my own or anyone else's private parts. But, I have 5 or 6 fetishes that I experience through arousal and excitement. I can't empathize with other people's desire for sex. I've assumed for over a decade that I'm ace, but not really confident where I fit in.

[@Dub_97]

Sexual attraction simply means drawn to someone in a sexual way. Desire, wanting to do sexual things with that person. It’s simple there’s something you find sexually appealing about that person that you desire to do things sexual with it’s simple.

[@at1the1beginning]

How can one want to have a specific dish (sexual attraction) if there's no hunger (libido)? That doesn't make sense.

[@gardengobin]

im asexual and im starting to hate my libido, its so fucking annoying having an impulse that doesn't correlate with what I want

[@ombre868]

Theres one thing that has always confused me about asexuality. So if asexuals are not sexually attracted to peoples bodies and dont find people hot, how can they like porn then? I might have misunderstood things But this is what ive heard, and it confuses me.