asexuality: a confusing journey of self-discovery

[@Alliethewitch]

My go to for years was "can't we just skip to the part of the relationship where watch TV and fall asleep without anyone trying anything." And then 15 years later I realized I was ace.

[@talistheintrovert]

SAAAAMMMEEEEE 🤌🤌🤌

[@yourhorseyepona7309]

My motto is more "no romance, no adult-fun-time, let's just hang out"

[@DieFarbeLila88]

That’s exactly how I feel😂 can’t we just „Netflix and chill“ … but like LITERALLY?😂

[@Summer_and_Rain]

I get that. Probably why I prefer having friends to finding a lover.

[@TadanoCandy]

I feel this a lot 😂 When I thought about looking for love, I was looking for a super best friend. It was a grim day when I realized people were looking for someone they wanted to f*ck, but I didn’t want to f*ck anybody, no matter how handsome or funny they were 😅

[@historyshaker7412]

Right, as a demisexual I'm literally not attracted to bodies, I'm not aroused by them - only by who they are, what they mean to me, and my emotional attachment to them

[@talistheintrovert]

HUGE mood!!

[@historyshaker7412]

@@talistheintrovert your whole vid was a mood! thanks so much for posting and making it

[@talistheintrovert]

@History Shaker I have a similar internal debate lol, I love this for us 🙏🙏

[@sallywright8065]

I think that’s a fairly common condition 🙄. It’s called getting to know someone!

[@historyshaker7412]

@@sallywright8065 yeah I'm sure, but since hookup culture exists and picking up people at bars and asking for stranger's numbers is common - that experience isn't the same for everyone

[@audyssey_]

"There's a mourning period for this idea of your future that you have been raised to have that you have to let go of when you realize you're ace." That sentence hit me so hard.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@_dont_mind_me]

I don’t think I’m ace but I am probably aromantic, and the mourning period really hit me hard. I always knew I wasn’t gonna marry cause I never understood the point, but I still imagined myself in a long term, committed relationship with a guy, maybe having a family and just growing old with someone I love. I’ve had to reframe my entire future, and I know now that I want companionship, whether that’s necessarily romantic is hard to say. I’m fucking terrified of being alone my whole life, but it’s scary knowing that the most common and accepted form of companionship is unavailable to me. I feel like I’ve lost something I probably never had. Every day I catch myself slipping, talking about my future kids like it’s a certainty, sometimes I even think “when I’m married” even though I’ve never wanted that. It’s hard to separate myself from the culture I’m surrounded by, and it’s hard to figure out what I really want.

[@audyssey_]

​@@_dont_mind_me I completely understand how you feel. I know I'm aromantic, and probably somewhere on the ace spectrum as well. Growing up with so many influences, all telling you that 'adulthood' means getting married, having kids, settling down, and there was no other representation of an okay adult life like that. If you weren't married you were looking for someone, and if you didn't want a partner you were sad, and lonely, and heaven forbid 'broken'. When I realized I was aromantic I was fucking terrified as well. There aren't any answers out there when you go looking; there aren't any building blocks or pieces we can use to build our futures. We have to almost start over in how we imagine our life, plan it all out again from the beginning, but this time without those stabilizing lifestyle building blocks that we've grown so accustom to. Without them, it feels like my future is tumbling to the ground. I have to invent my own new building blocks to even imagine a happy future for myself, and god is that scary. Sorry if I rambled, but, I know how you feel. 😅💚🤍🖤

[@idasvenning3892]

​@_dont_mind_me ​@audyssey_ yeah I feel this. I'm aroace and the first couple of years after coming out were fucking rough. Going from being content with the future that you were pretty much promised growing up in church (marrying young, having kids, growing old together), to "I'm pretty sure I want

[@emmab4587]

This is everything to me. It's genuinely really hard living in an allo world full of hopes and dreams and possibility in terms of relationships and realizing that those possibilities may never apply to you.

[@BingQilin]

I read somewhere that being Aego is like enjoying cooking shows -- just because you enjoy watching someone make an omelette doesn't mean you desire to make it for yourself

[@talistheintrovert]

that's SUCH a good way of putting it 🤌🤌🤌

[@elena_eleen]

love that anology! some people don't like microlabels but i'm honestly really happy to know that there's other people like me who feel a disconnect between themselves and sex/sexual attraction

[@TadanoCandy]

That is a good analogy 👍🏼 I’m aegosexual and in my case I’m sex-repulsed when I’m the person engaged in a sexual act (literally can’t imagine myself being part of that cause it’s an instant turn off) but I can still be turned on by p*rn. Ig it’d be like liking to watch cooking shows but hating to cook haha

[@Katra21]

Yeah, aego and demisexual. I'm a hard-core shipper, I love seeing people and characters happy and in love, write smut for fanfics, but I don't need that for myself for the most part.

[@hottest_moomoo_aghase3105]

@@TadanoCandy OMGGG Im literallyyyy the sameee!!!!!

[@JZBeasty]

16:30 “I’m an asexual bisexual because I love everyone but don’t touch me.” Okay that’s funny. 😂

[@talistheintrovert]

thank youuuu 😘😘😘

[@Teddyiscute]

I saw a shirt one time that said I’m byesexual, you want to get sexual and I’m like bye 👋🏻😂 works even better if you’re both. I also loved the ones that said You do you, just don’t do me and Ineffable. This entire video is a hard relate. I’ve been thinking of making one myself draw my life style because I think it would be funnier if the entire story looked like a child drew it. 😂 I figure I’ll throw in all in all my weird quirks like being neurodivergent and a maladaptive daydreamer too because I think it’s all connected and more common than people realize, it just never gets talked about so no one even knows when they are half the time! Ps. Did you know Marylyn Monroe was thought to probably be ace too? And Kelly Clarkson and Paris Hilton have both said they thought they were before they were married. They haven’t identified themselves with any ace labels but that gives me major demi vibes. 👀

[@Yngvolkayno]

It's so perfect for me, that I'm having a friend make it into an artpiece for my apartment.

[@MissBliss818]

RELATABLE!!😅😂

[@lydiaj7492]

Exhausting, every last one. Not everything needs 14 labels ffs

[@serenediipity]

this is definitely the most accurate description of growing up ace that i've seen so far. writing smut but also having crushes but also not acting on those crushes and wanting to be loved but panicking at the idea of someone making advances on me.... its a whole mixed bag

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@Summer_and_Rain]

I will literally hide in the bathroom if someone I don't find attractive shows any romantic/sexual interest in me (so far, no one has made me not hide)

[@fromasgardwithlove2257]

That's me to the tea.

[@fromasgardwithlove2257]

​@@Summer_and_RainThat sounds like a literal nightmare.

[@NankitaBR]

​@@Summer_and_RainI literally did this multiple times in my teenage years

[@frazzyblue1384]

I recently had my first crush ever (I’m 20) and it was very confusing, I thought I was sexually attracted to him but turns out I was just romantically and sensually attracted to him. Like my ‘end goal’ was to lie on him whilst hugging when most people’s end goal would be sex. That took an embarrassingly long time for me to figure out 😂

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@catelynh1020]

3 years into hanging out with a guy, i had just reached the "i want to watch a movie while casually holding hands and maybe put my head on his shoulder" stage. For most people i've talked to, that isn't actually a thing for them, but it's literally the farthest i've gotten with wanting to be with someone. Hilariously, my close friend mentioned recently that they thought i'd only ever get married for convenience, or if it was from blind dates my parents could set up. It takes me so long to move forward that i'd never get to the actual dating part before the other person loses interest.

[@mendelynn]

THIS

[@makoto_is_me]

That is me exactly, I love hugs but nothing else.

[@cassiopaia3153]

My end goal with my first (and so far only) crush was to hold hands. So I know what that feels like.

[@a.r.tivadar]

When I was little, I used to daydream about my future wedding, and came to the conclusion that my future husband had to be someone I was willing to kiss that singular one time at the altar. Flash forward to middle school and high school: I was mad that nobody was cute enough to make me want to date them, lmao. I told myself I would date and find someone later. Flash-forward later, I didn’t happen lmao. I love romance and sex, I daydream of it, but tbh, I don’t know if I want it to happen irl. I am perfectly happy single, but I feel really lonely too. But above all, the aroace label brings me so much comfort. I am not weird or wrong in any way, I just feel things differently.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

[@sallywright8065]

No, you’re not weird, you’re just who you are. But this has nothing to do with gender, it’s your personality.

[@yourhorseyepona7309]

Naw, you're not weird. In fact the world is weird about us not wanting a relationship. If I'm gonna b honest, I thing I would've forgot about romance existing if so much media didn't revolve around it. Romance is usually the last thing on my mind; friends and family come first 😅.

[@Summer_and_Rain]

@@yourhorseyepona7309 romance can also be a great way to hurt a good story. I am reading book/manga after manga with a great story to then be complete ignored because of a bad romance story. It is often also a really toxic relationship on top XD

[@yourhorseyepona7309]

@Summer_and_Rain yeah, sometimes it's just better stick to the interesting plot point that people came here for if ya can't add a compelling romance. Not every piece of media needs it anyway.

[@beauxcarroll8348]

Ace here, spent years trying to identify sexually and failing. Discovered asexual in a novel and realized who I was at the age of 55. My life would have been easier had I known this was an option at 18.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@camiledionne-west6233]

I also figured it out in my mid 50s. Would have made things a lot easyer if id known in my teens or 20s

[@andreagriffiths3512]

I was about 45 and yes, it would have been a lot easier. Also finding out the ASD diagnosis would have been too. I was 40 for that.

[@SongsForMonsters]

What novel, if you don't mind? It would be nice to read some ace character(s).

[@beauxcarroll8348]

I am sorry the book was a Kindle Unlimited but the main character was ace and I had to look the term up. I do not remember the title or even the plot or genre of the book. Sorry. She was a young author I remember that much.@@SongsForMonsters

[@Blutpudding]

„It’s hard enough to date when you’re me, but it’s even harder when you’re me, and ALSO not willing to put out.“ I have never related to a line more in my life. Thank you for this video. I’m in my 30s and am slowly coming to terms with my asexuality. It’s such a confusing journey.

[@talistheintrovert]

thank you! I hope your journey continues in an upwards trajectory lol

[@deliciosa]

virgins have fianceés; LET. THEM. WAIT. 😘

[@rosesweetcharlotte]

I have never really felt confused about how I felt. It's other people who confuse me

[@InkArgent]

Me.

[@heatherlee2047]

Also did the comhet-to-bisexual-and-asexual pipeline is so valid and real. Thank you for making this video🖤

[@talistheintrovert]

thank you so much!! 🥰

[@vexentgaming]

Same but it was pan to Ase

[@dopex89]

Right there with you guys 😂

[@dylanthompson5421]

‘Too messy, too awkward, too close’ HONESTLY, sex is weird. Like, im not ace myself, but it’s so strange, but I love the closeness omg why am I typing this eek oh well lol

[@talistheintrovert]

you're so right bestie!! it IS weird!! even for people who enjoy it you have to acknowledge it can be super bizarre!!

[@madelinevlogs5898]

It is so weird! I’m not ace and I enjoy it but when you really think about it it’s kinda funny

[@dylanthompson5421]

@@madelinevlogs5898 periodt!

[@d_lynn421]

I'm aroace. Realizing im ace when i thought i was bi (bc of high libido).... is like realizing i don't have to be married (or partnered) to be a parent. Like, wait, i can just have a kid, all by myself? I can just take care of my libido by myself???? Surprise, surprise, im also aegosexual 😅

[@talistheintrovert]

OMG YES EXACTLY THIS 👏👏👏

[@yourhorseyepona7309]

Hey, I too am aro/ace with high libido. Nice to know I'm not the only one who went thru this!

[@turtleby]

Same

[@laranadesign4764]

Ahhhh, same You know what they say... If you want it done right, you do it yourself 😂

[@TheImprovyssey]

I was in my 40s before I began to accept that this label applied to me. There's a strange sort of brainwashing that goes on...like, "Clearly, everyone is right and I really AM just a late bloomer. A very late bloomer. The latest of all bloomers. There's someone for everyone! Everyone says so!" Now, of course, I look back on Baby Me and imagine how I might have reacted if I hadn't been utterly convinced I needed to feel X because everyone everywhere felt X. And then I get mad because I wasted decades telling myself lies. However...my stories have always known, even if I haven't. My two webcomics, my one published novel, and all the other works I've written in any form and genre have been full of aceness without me even meaning it to be there.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@ejnarsorensen2920]

Of all the ace stories I've heard, I think this is the one that hits closest to home for my experience. Also, being a guy I felt the extra pressure of expectations to be sexual, as that's what seems to be expected of guys. So, I had lots of pretending to just be super-shy.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@Summer_and_Rain]

makes sense, there is the whole "boys be boys" mentality, which is really sexualized. Must have been hard to grow up in.

[@jaysaturna]

Clicked on this because I was curious/questioning and by the 22 minute mark I have an answer. I'm 32 and only just starting to think about it. I am almost never involved in my fantasies. My POV isnt me. Up until you said that, I didn't think I there was a chance I could on the ace spectrum, but maybe I am somewhere on there. Thank you for this video, its giving me a lot to think about.

[@talistheintrovert]

I'm glad I could be helpful!! 🥰 I hope your revelations about yourself are positive 🩷

[@dklee.01]

omg….this is me

[@yourhorseyepona7309]

Can def relate to the "POV never involve me" thing. When it comes to it, I imagine characters different from myself doing it. Maybe I'm more interested watching the act than participating in sex myself. I also doubt I've ever found anyone attractive, like I could think ur beautiful, but nothing sticks out as attractive to me. That's why u believe I'm in the aro/ace spectrum too.

[@storiartest]

to everyone that's relating, there is a chance you may be aegosexual!!!! to me, it's when you feel disconnected from sexual activity involving yourself! you may like fantasizing but those fantasies never involve you, like you are viewing it from the outside! search it up for a more detailed explanation :)

[@knitandcatboodle]

My husband realized that he's ace not too long after we had gotten married. We both did the "wait for marriage" thing and chalked up the awkwardness to that. It's been a journey and I appreciate videos like this to help me better relate to him. Thank you for sharing!

[@bookcat123]

You’re the second asexual creator to explain it, and thank you. Because every time various lgbtq friends said oh you must be ace and got out their charts to try to identify where I fall, I was always just like *why do you need to label me based on my disinterest in this random thing* and it felt like being told my identity should be “person who doesn’t have an opinion on soccer” instead of “person who likes books and cats and baseball” - like where does soccer (or sexuality) even come into it? But hearing asexual creators explain it as an overall experience, and especially the part about being the odd one out as a teenager and in… I don’t know, romantic culture?… and not getting why everyone else was acting weird when your friends first discover dating… yes. I get it. I’m asexual.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@studyofme]

I am 43, and I only realized I was asexual a few years ago. This whole video- YES. OMG. I've felt all of these things. The only thing is I'm not a theater kid, but I have been putting on this crazy performance for 20 some years of being witty and interesting when I'm really very boring and just like to sit at home doing as little as possible. And the feeling unloveable... Yes. So much. I have had exactly ONE partner in my life. Happenstance that we met online on a forum when I stayed up too late and he came in early in the days when you'd hang out on forums. We broke up for a while after my first long visit with him because as he said, "If nothing happened, then maybe that's a sign?" But then we ended up together anyway in real life. And for the first decade, I questioned whether he was here for me or he'd been tricked/had no choice. Because no one could possibly love me for me. We're approaching 20 years together now, and I finally believe he's here for me. I'm not sexy, but I am silly, weird, and accepting. Especially when someone else is accepting too. No one else needs to know that I'm Ace, but I am still testing the waters and sharing it with people just to get more representation out there! In my life, I've found that when I make an accepting and comfortable space for people, they will join the space feeling comfortable and accepting of themselves and of me. That's all people really want, I think.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@yasminnn8]

I'm screaming. When I was in school I had a lot of crushes. It was so easy for me to like someone but the moment someone showed interest in me, even if I really liked them at first, I would freak out and stop liking them and even feel grossed out by our subsequent interactions. I was always paranoid about people thinking that I LIKE liked them because I didn't want them to start liking me that way. I want the people I have a crush on to like me, I want to be their favorite person, but I didn't want them to like me like THAT. This is why I love having fictional/celebrity crushes. I can like them all I want and not stress about them liking me back. 37:49 screaming again but that's exactly how I feel. I always tell people that I want kids but I don't want to have to go through the process of having kids. I think most people would think I'm referring to the giving birth part but the process I'm dreading includes sex. I'm hoping that I'm demi because I want to find a life partner but I think I'm ace and I love that for me but I'm also scared? I don't want to waste anyone's time either and in the culture I'm in idk how people would react to me saying I'm ace so I just don't bother trying with anyone (and I've never been attracted to anyone enough to try anyway). I am religious so I think I realized a little late that I wasn't interested in having sex at all. I thought that was normal for everyone, but later on I realized that my other 'religious' friends were actually excited to get married (and to have sex!) And I guess my friends picked up on the fact that I wasn't interested in relationships etc because they'd never talk to me about stuff like that. I once found out that my friend had a boyfriend two years after they started going out. I wondered why she didn't bother to tell me and she said, "Oh, I thought you didn't care about that kind of thing." I was hurt but she was right so what could I say? Sorry about the long comment. I like watching ace/aro content because I think I'm ace but I'm also always questioning if I really am (I don't think I'm aro because I kind of want to be in a relationship but wanting something and being attracted enough to someone to want it with them is also different? right? idk). Thank you for talking about it. I'm still kind of confused and sometimes I tell myself that I haven't met the right person yet, but having other people tell me that isn't fun lol

[@talistheintrovert]

a lot of this (and you are absolutely free to disagree) feels like aromantic thoughts to me? I don't know if you've read Loveless by Alice Oseman, but I highly recommend it, because the main character in that is aroace, and while I really identified with the ace stuff, my best friend (who is aro) identified more with that side of things, and a lot of the thoughts you're describing sound like they're on the aromantic or demiromantic spectrum. Demi is definitely a good label that fits too, obviously I don't know who you are outside of this comment, but I'd definitely recommend reading the book!!

[@yasminnn8]

@@talistheintrovert I have wondered if I'm aromantic so that might be it. I'm just unsure of my own feelings. I'm planning on reading Loveless! I wonder how I'll feel after reading it. Thank you for the recommendation!

[@beauxcarroll8348]

As confused and crazy as your path in life has been, I think you are doing wonderfully well. Decide what kind of relationship you are looking for and go get it. I believe you can do it. The courage you showed in your post by opening your soul will see to the end. God bless you and keep you.

[@Dancestar1981]

You can have intellectual relationships that are quite passionate too

[@themythofizziphus6561]

Your first paragraph is literally word for word how I have explained my "romantic dilemmas" to others. I can be relatively quick to a crush--after a month (or so) of knowing someone, sometimes I would realize I enjoy them more than I enjoy other friends. Then I would tell myself--"I think I have now leveled-up to a crush." I would then grant myself permission to view them in a romantic sense--such as think about what I found cute/endearing about them and finding myself wanting to know more and more about their life, interests, hobbies... etc. But the catch has always been that once they begin to reciprocate feelings, I start to fear them seeing me in a different light. Through my crushing, I still would never think of them sexually, only romantically. The thought of them seeing me sexually would (and still does) frighten me. Suddenly I would avoid them and quickly lose all interest. It's hard, honestly. I do want to experience the romance of a relationship--the hugs and the chivalry and safety that is promised. But the idea of sex truly makes me uncomfortable. I don't want it. I'm not sure if I ever will. I find it hard to call myself Asexual for certain. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I have convinced myself that the "right person" would come along and change that. I'm still young too (19). I know that I am a fan of "romance" though--be it fictional or in real life. Right now I would even consider myself to be in the midst of a sort of "crush" scenario. But I think the only reason it is still going on in my brain would be that it doesn't seem certain they reciprocate. I'm quite a mess when it comes to this... ahahah. And I'm sure this comment is filled with questionable grammar.

[@inactiuveuser69]

this is solidifying my own asexuality honestly.

[@talistheintrovert]

🥺🥺🥺

[@brookejohnson9914]

re: the catcalling thing, when I was a little younger I did wonder why I'd never been sexually harassed. I didn't wish I had been, it just seemed strange to me, because I was conventionally attractive.

[@LittleHobbit13]

Sadly I fall into that group as well. The worst part is, even though I know better, there's still that voice that's like "It's not a compliment..........but still, why not me???" I hate the awareness of how society has so successfully programmed me to want this that even being aware of it can't squash it completely.

[@dees3179]

Same.

[@mcFuzzie234]

There’s a possibility I have been catcalled, and I just didn’t realize it. I never recognize when people are trying to hit on me, so how would I notice if somebody across the street was trying to sexualize me? 😂

[@notoriouswhitemoth]

The environment I grew up in created a toxic feedback loop between my asexuality and prudish hegemonistic sex negativity, that I still struggle with sometimes

[@lynn858]

"My intellect terrifies me because I'm always so scared of being wrong" Oh. Thank you for putting into the perfect words, and the perfect tone that it absolutely hit me what a friend and partner tried so many times to explain to me about being them. And I'll gently tell you what I tried to tell them back then, and what I've since articulated a lot better... I'm sorry you've had enough life experiences that have led you to feel that you are being held to a higher standard, and will be treated harshly if you are incorrect. I'd like to say it's "just a cognitive distortion" that you have that fear. But... I mean... we learned rejection sensitivity through life experience. It's ok to be wrong. It's ok to live by "when you learn better, do better". I'm here, like I am with my friend, because I want to consider your ideas and opinions, through the lens of your brain. That's how we need to approach interactions with humans. It's unfair to expect more of anyone.

[@talistheintrovert]

you're so kind!! this is such a wonderful way of looking at the world 💜💜💜

[@deen4305]

Lost a friend over a meltdown, dude thought I was playing with his feelings and didn't know I was having an entire meltdown about being in a relationship or being expected to be affectionate. Broke up the very next day. Found out years later that I am also gay but for the most part the ace part is very dominant.

[@talistheintrovert]

I'm so sorry that happened to you! 💜

[@dylanthompson5421]

‘I’m ace and I don’t care’ I LOVE THAT!!!

[@sarahpaschkes-ds5jb]

I’ve never actually left a comment on a video before, but this one hit me so hard that I have to. I related to this so much. I was crying by halfway through. Not knowing that certain identities are an option has been a huge obstacle for me. I have a vivid memory of an adult coving my ears the first time the word “bisexual” came on tv within hearing distance of me. (It was the ending of “Dodgeball” and I was 11). I had a huge “I’m not broken” moment when I realized liking both men and women was an option, only for that to be shattered I first time I tried to date anyone and realized that actually kissing made me want to gag and touching for more than a few minutes was suffocating. Realizing asexually was an option and that it can mean liking things in theory but not in practice has been like piecing that feeling of validity back together one jagged shard at a time. It’s been a long and confusing process that and I’m still working on it, but this video helped so much in making me feel less alone in it. It helps to know there are other people like me out there. Thank you so much for making this.

[@tystkanin9996]

When I was struggling with my asexuality due to still finding other people attractive (both men and women) I started doing a thing where when I found myself looking and saying "wow!" I would then ask myself..."okay, they are attractive and yes, I am drawn to them, but if they showed me attention what would I do with them?" And the answer was ALWAYS "I want them to want me around....I want to be their bestie." and NEVER "I want to be nekkid with them and have them do this, that, or the other to me." On a side note...I really liked this video and how you broke down the intricacies of being asexual but the self degradation was a bit much and became pretty uncomfortable around 37:15 or so

[@emmab4587]

Oh no wait that's exactly word for word what I do

[@mels7769]

Wait a min... there are others who feel the same as I do :| I'm kinda shocked today haha Thanks for sharing!

[@camiledionne-west6233]

Thank you! Im a 63 year old woman and came out as Ace about 6 years ago. In my 20s and 30s i thought i might be lesbian as i was not interested in having any kind of relationship othet than friendship with a guy. But, i wasnt into sex with wpmen either. During high school i was the stuck up female nerd who "failed at being a girl" no interest in fashon, makeup, boy bands or dating In university i had a male study budy and best friend. Everyone assumed we were a couple for 3 years. He never made a pass at me - turned out he was gay. Best relationship ever. Socital preshers being what they were, i eventually married a guy who i liked on an intelectual level. Sex was like brussel sprouts, not gross, a veggie you will eat at a christmas dinner, but not one you would seek out. Fairly soon after having my first daughter he started getting it elsewhere. I developed a " dont ask, dont tell philosiphy. As long as i didnt know, i didnt feel pressured into duty sex nearly as much as when he wasnt cheating Ultimatly he left me for another woman. So, im a failure as a woman, as a wife. Im responsable for the failure of my marrage becsuse i was frigid and unlovong, and i deserved to be lonely and unloved because i was an unloving freak. (Was told that to my face by family members) Was a dark time. I didnt heat about asexiallity untill the 2010s. And boy did it discribe me. Took a few years of research to identify with the lable, and a few more to come out. Im not broken, fridged, unloving, prudish,a gailure ad a eife and woman, or cold, im Ace. It is undiscribably freeing to know what i am. That its not just me being built "wrong" but me being built Ace. I just wish id figured it out 40 years sooner

[@yourhorseyepona7309]

Oof, Ace or not, your family shouldn't have blamed your ex's actions on you. Hope ur doing better.💜🖤🩶🤍

[@talistheintrovert]

you deserve people in your life who treat you with the respect and love that you deserve. You're not abnormal, you're just different to some people, and that never means you deserve to be treated as lesser. I hope you are happier and in a better place now and that the people in your life deserve to be there 🖤🩶🤍💜

[@yourhorseyepona7309]

@@talistheintrovert well said

[@WardaMoram]

THIS! This is the video that finally cranked my “maybe I’m ace” up to “”how could I ever think I wasn’t?” Being a writer myself, it was especially that part of your video that opened my eyes. I feel like my time of questioning is finally over, thank you so much for this! I’m coming out for the first time(s) at 30+, after thinking my whole life I’m “maybe just weird”. And it’s harder than I ever thought, because to this day I don't really have a grasp on the concept of sexual attraction. I am confused, the other person gets confused, everyone and everything is confusing. There were times I desperately wished I were a lesbian, because it would make things so much easier in my mostly hetero friend group. But you do such a great job explaining, that in the future, I’ll just send everyone a link to this video and let you do the talking xD I hope, this reaches a lot of people, ace or not. There are not enough words in the universe to describe how incredibly helpful this was. Sending you all the platonic love in the world

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@Person-jx9ui]

Same to the "imagining sexy scenarios but I'm not in them" thing! I always thought it was some type of low esteem thing (which it kinda is) where a fictional character I REALLY like would never interact with me because I'm a loser. But I think of it more now, that in a universe where they did like me, I would NOT like them back. The idea of them even perceiving me makes me sick. I also never had a desire to watch movies with smex scenes in it because I thought it was gross and pointless, but I think of my characters doing it because I am attached to them and it has MEANING to me and their story.

[@merge9585]

Sometimes I question if I'm really ace. Then I watched this vid and related to everything, lol. Thanks for the video. For us ace folks, it means a lot 💜

[@talistheintrovert]

thank you so much 🥺🥺🥺🥺

[@kndacus]

I used to joke that my superpower was the ability to fall instantly and irrevocably in love with a fictional character and create an entire romance novel idea around him. I've also perfected the ability to turn just about any innocuous remark into sexual innuendo. I'm also a published romance author. And I couldn't reconcile any of that with my deep and utter apathy toward and anxiety about the idea of engaging in physical intimacy. So, thanks to this video, I'm able to finally and gladly realize that I'm a romantic asexual!🎉 Thank you for this video. After a more than 10-year journey of deconstructing and deconverting from religion, your video is exactly what I needed to continue my self-rediscovery. Oh, and I'm almost 30 years older than you and just figuring this out!

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@CaseCassette29]

I truly don't think I have ever had a bigger realization about anything until I heard this part 20:15. this is really life changing to me, I think I'm asexual.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@emmab4587]

Someone who was ace once told me a list of identities that they have, relating to religion, gender, divergence, etc, and said that the only one they weren't proud of was their asexuality. The mourning period you speak of is so real. Being "confirmed" in your identity is always nice, like when you realize, "yup, I am totally bi" or something like that. But for me that feeling towards asexuality is more along the lines of: "Oh no, I guess that means that I really am doomed to a life of not letting myself crush on people freely for fear of their not being willing to date me, a life that won't look like anyone else's that I know in my immediate circle of friends and people I've grown up with and/or idolized all my life. I might be alone forever, even when I may have, at some point, found my perfect match in every other aspect of personality and lifestyle aside from sex. It's so stupid and frustrating and I am torn between having tons of pride and wanting to tell the world about this infuriatingly invisible identity, and hating the fact that it is, despite all I wish I could have, me.

[@hiimstayxd]

Wait wait wait... Do people actually put posters up on their walls because they think people in them are attractive? Is this confirmed by a non-ace person? 😂😂 Personnally I have a bts poster because I am an army. Well you learn something new every day 😅. As an aroace person this video hits pretty close home. It's nice to hear other aces experiences.

[@talistheintrovert]

oh you better believe that's the MAIN reason that people put boy/girl group posters on their wall. when I discovered this I was BAFFLED lol 🤣🤣

[@emilyrln]

My Daniel Craig poster watches me do the dishes (but he's not an effective taskmaster, unfortunately). He's been on one or another of my walls since 2013 or so… because he is a snaccc… so I experience aesthetic attraction, at least 😂

[@frazzyblue1384]

@@talistheintrovertoh my god people are gonna think I have a crush on captain America 🫣 I have a huge poster on my wall

[@professorbutters]

I didn’t realize I was on the spectrum until late, but I didn’t get labeling actors as “hot.” If they were handsome, the word I used was “decorative.” I was expressing aesthetic attraction and didn’t even know.

[@PaigeLTS05]

I just put posters of characters up because they look cool/cute/badass. People.... Really put posters up because they find a person/character just... Hot with hot as the sole reason?

[@thatgirlwiththecrazyhair2067]

im watching this as an ally because i wanted to educate myself more. I didnt expect to feel called out at all. Now im going through my list of hookups i kept having for the ✨️experience✨️ rather than the sex because i grew up up with no self confidence and tinder was a whole new world of people suddenly seeming interested in me if i could provide what they came here for. Also the sexual problems im having in my current relationship. I have cried many times, scared that my partner (who is so gentle and supportive fyi) is going to ask for spontaneous sex. It sends me into a mental breakdown and i cant believe i might have found an answer to all of the stress? Will have to read around but, yeah... I'm questioning everything

[@talistheintrovert]

I hope that whatever answer you settle on, it's the right label for you, and you feel comfortable within yourself 🖤🩶🤍💜

[@angellovecharm7759]

This was a wonderful way of analogizing things to make them clearer. Also, I would def watch the simp power point.

[@talistheintrovert]

thank you so much!! (also i will definitely add that to the vote tally for the simp powerpoint sdfkjghdfj)

[@dylanthompson5421]

I agree! Add my vote to the simp presentation pile!

[@toasty973]

I vote for the simp powerpoint, too!

[@ayuboo89]

i often question myself, "are you sure you're ace??", but boy howdy yes to everything in this video. "i’m an asexual bisexual because i love everyone but don’t touch me.” is absolutely me oml.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@alreadyoutthedoor595]

bruv as an aro-ace bestie in american hs (9g) this really helped me with putting into words how i feel about my sexuality and how i can represent that too others especially at such a formative stage of life for me and my friends, cuz as they have started exploring romantic relationships, i have just sorta been chillin, and when i say that i dont feel like having a romantic relationship they just think that im like being prude or smth, especially when they talking about their own relationships and get to that inevitable point where they expect you share about your romantic sitch but like i aint got nothing to say cuz i dont really do romantic relationships. thx for making me feel seen cuz its pretty hard to find good ace media

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@geordijules]

I always subconsciously found myself in the asexual and autistic coded characters so when you mentioned Data and Spock (two of my most favorite characters of all time) I could finally understand the reason behind it 😮😮

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@Dancestar1981]

I have ASD and ADHD and I’m just beginning to think I might be on the ACE spectrum

[@leahcooper5831]

Whenever Vulcans get randomly friggin sexualized in Star Trek stuff I'm like AAAAAAAARGHHH HANDS OFF DAMMIT IT'S NOT THAT TIME OF THE DECADE

[@lolophone90]

I'm in my mid 30s and just figured out I'm ace last year and that there's been a word for me the whole time. From my perspective you're doing great ❤️ I really resonate with your story, thank you for sharing, especially the confusion for being thirsty but not towards anyone real! Libido is not the same as sexual attraction, turns out. Also! Thank you for education on asexual history and historical figures, I had no idea.

[@talistheintrovert]

ah, this makes me so happy!! thank you 🥰

[@EasterWitch]

Even if I can count the number of real life people I have had romantic crushes on on one hand and has only ever had one actual relationship, it took me 25 years to realize I was somewhere on the aro/ace spectrum. Even if I had a friend who is also ace it took me a further 10 years to come to the same conclusion since when they told me I was in that one relationship and did experience sexual attraction to the person I was dating. Looking back there were so many signs, such as being as obsessed with dragons as other girls in my friend group was with boys, or contemplating becoming someones girlfriend for a full 5 minutes just because I wanted the gem he was offering me only to decide that it was not worth it and running away. Or what you talked about with fellatio that is so true for me too. Or the word "sexy" in relation to me making me nauseous.

[@talistheintrovert]

oh my god the dragons thing is SO real, absolutely same 😭😭

[@millionbells]

Thank you. My hormones masked my asexuality for so long. And now I'm trying to convince myself that my age group is at the point where sexual dysfunctions are creeping in, so maybe the sexless dating pool is getting bigger. Mostly, my sexual attraction has been regarding unavailable persons, which is really weird when the "crush" wears off.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@stinems98]

First of all, I'm worried of how my fyp on KZbin picked up on me starting on my journey to accepting my asexuality, but in this case I will just say thank you. And then a big thank you to you! When I clicked on your video, I joked to my friend that I felt like Nick Nelson watching youtube videos to understand his recently discovered bisexuality better, only to realise how right I was. My awareness of my asexuality is... new, and in those new stages, I have convincing arguments every other month as to why I'm either wrong or right. The most recent one is the realisation that my anti-psychotic medicine that I've been on for nearing 10 years now, so for all of the years where I'm supposed to learn new things about myself on a matter of a lot of things, but especially on the matter of my sexuality, was the reason I thought I was asexual. Warning for some TMI, I finally realised I can't come on it, and so I thought, yeah no that must be why I think I'm asexual, my pills are making it so I can't experience the joy of sex, and when I experience that I'm sure I'll get rid of the idea that I'm asexual. Only... the more I've been thinking about it for the past month, it didn't make a whole lot of sense, because well, first of all, I didn't really miss the lack of sexual intercourse I've had over the past decade. And then, I found your video, and every five minutes you said something that made me indeed think that no experience is unique, cause it was like you were talking about me. Your lack of interest in chocolate cake, your thirsting for fictional characters, the distance you feel from the sexual acts described, and only with that distance can you be in it... For the first time I understood that asexuality is so much more than what I had imagined... and with pretty much every aspect of the reveal, I was left feeling seen. I ended up taking out my journal and rewatching the video and taking enough notes to fill out six pages, just to feel seen again, and to understand why it was I felt so seen... and yeah, I don't even know, I'd just like to thank you! I'm pretty far off from fully accepting my asexuality, mostly just cause I worry I'm also aromantic, and that feels like a loss, so I'm trying to keep myself away from finding out if that one is true. But this video, made me feel so much more at ease in my body and with how my mind works. So yeah, thanks!

[@talistheintrovert]

I'm so glad I could be of some help!! I hope your journey of self-discovery continues to be fulfilling 🖤🩶🤍💜

[@Yukalitlee]

This video was so validating, I can't even fully put into words how happy it made me. I'd like to do a video of my own reacting but mainly discussing some points that stood out to me. Asexual visibility is SO important.

[@azrael9011]

My cousin told me she only experiences aesthetic attraction, which makes perfect sense. We have always been close, which is not hard when you live next to each other and are born only 1 year apart. I remember how she never had even had silly childhood crushes and when I talked enthusiastically about getting married and having lots of children, she was never that interested. When we hit High school we had our own friend groups but still hung out. I had my first real crush but she was always more interested in having friends and having good grades. Then when I learned about gay people I was really interested in the idea and soon after realised I was not straight. In that time I had a lot of discussions with her about it. I would ask her about her attraction as well trying to compare it to my own. Things like “do you think girls are pretty?”, and “have you ever had a dream where you were kissing men and women?” 😂but she never really had any answer for me that related or contrasted. I eventually landed on Pan as my label of choice and around a year and a half later she told me she is ace-aro but feels aesthetic attraction. In connection we are both the gay cousin. 😂

[@pintpullinggeek]

"Devastatingly for us Morrissey has also identified himself being on the ace spectrum" Damn. DAMN. DAMN!!!!😂🤣💀

[@talistheintrovert]

I KNOW RIGHT? 😭😭😭

[@anonymoususer350]

I realized i was ace during covid. But what lead me to question my sexuality was a close friend confessing he had a crush on me. I didn't want to hurt him and I did love him, just platonically, but I ddn't realise thats what I was feeling so I didn't turn him down. We never actually dated, but I ended up spend months telling myself that I'll learn to love him. We're still friends and thanbkfully I've grown as a person and realize that not only am I arrow/ace, but also that the "I'll learn to love him" mindset is just so toxic.

[@ACupOfBlackTeaWithMilk]

This is so good! Especially the part about coming out to people you have no romantic intentions with and feeling weird because it isn’t really even their business what You do or do not do in the bedroom. But, in my experience, when you don’t tell them that you’re ace, it somehow always feels like playing a part. Because they take it as a given that you’re allo, and there will be implications and jokes and I just hate to know that there exists a version of myself in their head that is sexual. You literally cannot escape it. I have pretty much come to terms with being ace (after years of thinking everyone else was lying about sexual attraction lol), but sometimes it still feels like missing a limb. I am so glad that more people are talking about this nowadays, even though it’s mostly in very niche online conversations. Maybe one day we don’t need to prepare a spreadsheet before coming out.

[@talistheintrovert]

🤌🤌🤌🤌

[@Ehstgvd]

In 6th grade the girls sat down in a room and had the sex talk and I was traumatized and nauseated by the thought that people do that so I guess that was a sign. I’m only 13 but I’m pretty sure I’m asexual, all of my teachers and family members have said I’m very mentally mature for my age. I just want people to take me seriously when I out myself, but they don’t because of my age. I am not trying to brag but I’ve always been told I’m more mature than the kids in my grade, I’m not an average 13-year-old and I know what I want. Asexuals struggle to have a voice as it is but since I’m not 20 years old I can’t be part of the lgbtq+ community. There are no age restrictions to learning about yourself, heck, trans/gay people can know they are trans/gay as soon as they gain conscience. Other people my age are getting drives already which is probably surprising to the adults who don’t take me seriously, but it’s true! My own friends talked about it around me before I told them it made me uncomfortable so I know I’m not allosexual. It’s a hard pill for me to swallow to know that probably no one in this world will love me, but I’m lucky to have access to information about the lgbtq+ community so that I can understand myself. Without the internet, I would’ve just thought I was weird or something was wrong with me.

[@talistheintrovert]

you're a part of the lgbt+ community whether you're 13 or 300 🖤🩶🤍💜

[@lynn858]

Sending empathy your way. That's got to be incredibly frustrating. You know yourself better than anyone else can, and your understanding of yourself is valid. Yes, some people find sexuality repugnant, but grow into enjoying it when their hormones change. Sounds like you're really far from that seemingly like a tiny possibility or thing you're curious about... and yeah, if a change in hormones was going to make a difference, you would almost definitely, in your heart of hearts, have a "maybe, a little, if....." type of thought. (And if you do, and maybe there's one little part of it that you think you might be into - that still doesn't invalidate your identity as Ace.) I'm 40. I've been confident, and stating that pregnancy, babies, and raising children were absolutely not in my future, since I was 8. I wasn't able to get people to leave the conversation of "what if..." alone until I could say "I'm already 35..." It was ridiculous. Some people just really enjoy, or have a lot of cognitive dissonance about their self-awareness - and feel the need to "warn you". As much as it's disgusting - I hope you'll do what you can to learn about the health of your body, and reproductive system, and how to keep oneself safe and healthy as it relates to those things. Unfortunately those parts come with our body, whether we have any desire or use for them. And we can be forced into situations regardless of consent, so... "read the manual" for your personal safety and well being. Kinda like knowing how the electricity in your home works, and where the breakers or fuses are, so you know how to prevent an emergency, and what to do if there is one, and how to keep yourself, and your home safe - even if you're never going to re-wire anything. You're valid.

[@JaggerG]

I’m glad you get to learn that you’re okay. Tons of people are angrily opposed to saying things around kids about sex and romance, but make plenty of exceptions if it’s straight and cliche. And if you find out something different about yourself, or you find you had been mistaken, that’s okay, too.

[@invisiblexfree]

I normally don’t comment on any videos ever. I just wanted to let you know that I realized I was asexual when I was 12/13 as well. YOU ARE VALID!! It’s been over 5 years and I’m still ace. I also wanted to say that I’m in a relationship and asexual. You’re not broken because you’re asexual, don’t let social norms warp your view on your value and self worth. You’re a valid part of the LGBTQ+ community :D

[@lynntaylor9681]

Yeah it's hard to think you're the only one. I'm almost 44 and I didn't find out that I'm aroace until I was 40. It was such a relief to find out that I'm not the only one. I'm glad you were able to find out about the term while you're young. Although to be honest I felt bad for my straight friends. Dating seemed like such a pain when I was in middle school and high school. I only went on two dates when I was in high school and that was enough. I had no interest.

[@Minakie]

I knew I was asexual since I was a little girl, long before I ever came across the term on Aven, at the age of 23. And yet, it wasn't until I was already 30 that I came to the understanding that I am also aromantic (after watching a video of a KZbinr explaining what it felt like for them), even though I had come across the term at the same time I came across the term "asexual", simply because I was still trying to fit myself into the same "females must somehow want a man" box that society has tried to fit me into. And it wasn't until the age of almost 32 that I came to understand that I am genderfluid (genderfae). Sexuality and gender are complicated to figure out. Also, thinking that there are way too many sub-labels within the asexual community is definitely a mood. I was NOT expecting the "the culture of not taking "no" for an answer is already weird" remark and it hit hard. For the first time in my life, I felt forced to come out as being autistic at work because one of my coworkers made a point to give me a bear hug every time I asked her not to give me a hug that day. And, whenever I tell my team "no, thank you, I don't want to go out on that social event with y'all" they just keep pushing and insisting for days or even weeks. When I mentioned I also don't drink alcohol, they made jokes about "kidnapping me, dragging me into a bar and getting me drunk against my will". It has made me really anxious to go to the office to the point I started scheduling meeting rooms for the afternoons just so that I could have some alone time so that I didn't have to remain in a hypervigilant state for the entire work period.

[@talistheintrovert]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that!! I hope you find a work environment that respects your boundaries and treats you with more decency, you deserve better 💜💜💜

[@Jenntully]

I stumbled on your channel from your Barbie video. I want you to know, your explanations and experiences have helped me SO MUCH. I just came to the realization that I'm ace last year and have had a very difficult time finding the words to describe my ace experience. It's like you're in my head but have a much better vocabulary than I do. Thank you so much for being out there, for being willing to be publicly out and to talk about all of this. I will not use the cliché (you're an inspiration) because it's just rude, but I will say thank you. Thank you for existing, thank you for being you.

[@talistheintrovert]

this means a lot to me, thank you!! 🖤🩶🤍💜

[@Cynical_Nunny]

Its cool to see videos likes these more and more, and getting to see so many in the comments that can relate. People looking for answers can see stuff like this much earlier and not have to feel like something is wrong with them, not feel alone, like I did for so long. 30 years until I could truly put a name to it. And it took so much off my shoulders.

[@bluebell4004]

Um hi, this was like exactly my journey put into words and its so relieving that I'm not alone TT_TT I've never heard of aego sexual before but it is SO accurate.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@zongi700]

I wish i could annotate long form videos the way you can annotate a book but i'll just say thank you for sharing and speaking about so many things i relate to!!!! :D

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜

[@KiahRenamae]

As a panromantic ace I relate so hard to this video!! I always love to hear people’s ace stories. I hope you don’t mind but I also what to share my story. This comment is a bit longer than I expected and got a bit rambly at the end lol sorry about that😅 I was 27 or 28 when I started questioning my sexuality. I grew up in a very religious household and I always assumed I was straight. I didn’t even question it until I watched a video about asexuality and someone described what a demisexual was. It caught my attention because I had said almost that exact thing to my friends before about my attraction. “I only like guys once I know and been friends with them for a long time.” It took me a whole year to accept that I might be demisexual. When I came out to a friend it felt weird to me. I didn’t like how the label described me but then I realized that I wasn’t trying to describe demisexuality but actually demiromanticism. Which led me to realizing that I was actually ace which made me start thinking about if I was only exclusively attracted to guys which led me to realizing that I was also panromantic😮‍💨. This is just the cliffs notes version of it but all of this was over the course of two very confusing years and now I’m entering my 30s with a better grasp on who I am. I basically had to deconstruct the idea of myself in my mind several times until I found something that fit. I look back and see all these little moments that in hindsight I am so obviously ace and I wonder how tf I didn’t realize sooner!! I once had a girl in high school point blank ask me if I ever thought about sex and I was so confused by that question. I didn’t know how to respond at the time. Of course I thought about it but also I was ace and didn’t know it. I wasn’t particularly interested in directing those thoughts towards anyone but as a teen I thought I should be. I had a crush on my close guy friends and when he reciprocated he immediately tried to convince me to have sex with him. I was just not interested(also he was a shitty guy and we stopped being friends after that). When the twilight movies were coming out all of my friends thirsted after Jacob when he took his shirt off and so I was team Edward by default because I really wasn’t into that. I was finding these little ways to express my aceness without realizing it!! It’s not a perfect description and labels aren’t for everyone but I like knowing myself better and having words to describe how I feel.

[@talistheintrovert]

"deconstructing yourself" is such a good way of putting this whole thing, because it really does feel like that! I'm so happy for you that you know who you are and are using the labels that are most comfortable for you 🖤🩶🤍💜

[@yourhorseyepona7309]

💜🖤🩶🤍

[@dnzkmr]

As someone who’s currently in high school seeing everyone around me have these romantic and sexual experiences, this video meant so much to me. You can’t really confirm your feelings until it comes from someone else’s mouth and I just felt so validated by everything you said, and it put things into perspective for me. Thank you.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@mirandaw7214]

i was gonna write a comment compiling my favorite funnies from this video because i got many a chuckle but i genuinely cannot say anything except how much i related to the things you said on every level. beyond the ace commentary, pretty much every subject you touched hit for me and it's genuinely making me feel emotional to know that there is at least one other human out there on this earth who has experienced the same feelings i have. (also this video is a masterpiece)

[@talistheintrovert]

I adore you beyond words 🥺🩷

[@thecactusinthevalley4657]

The no drinking and ace experiences of explaining when its just who you are is SO real. i really vibe w/ you and i feel very seen. i remember when i "came out" it didnt feel like a big deal for me, it felt like i had figured out a part of the puzzle that is me. at least in regards to my friends, my parents didnt really get it and my dad just assumed i was that way bc of an SA incident (which like many AFABs, yeah ive been SA'd but thats not WHY i'm ace). at the time i decided to share i had had this realization about myself, i had two queer roomies and one of them later told me that my aceness was "a serious decision we needed to discuss" but we were not in any kind of sexual or romantic relationship and ever since then ive felt so separate from the queer community. im slowly working through that block but it really messed me up for a while

[@erstwhile3793]

Subscribing to your channel. Idk why it showed up in my feed this morning, but I’m grateful it did. Relating so hard to so much in this video and the comments. I’m not young. I’m old enough that almost everyone looks young to me these days, and I’ve only discovered in the last couple years that ACE exists, and that it fits my lived experience. The signs were always there, I just had no idea there was any other reality than the one my childhood in the 60s and 70s, in a very conservative family and state, and in the context of an extremely conservative fundamentalist religion, provided me with. I thank you for being able and willing to put this info out here, and I hope more people stumble onto it.

[@talistheintrovert]

this is the kindest comment, and so wonderful to hear, thank you 🖤🩶🤍💜

[@kyleethekelt]

Wow. I was just going to right a quite similar response. Kia ora from Aotearoa.

[@mhairimccrindle]

Hey stop being so relatable. But seriously, I do relate to a lot of the insecurities and worries you shared. Thank you for sharing, and for the educationally content that I feel more people need to know.

[@dylanthompson5421]

‘I would like for this man to stop being so pretty of the face and muscular of the Arm’ 😭😭😭

[@talistheintrovert]

akdhdhdhsjs stOpppp I was so pathetic 😭😭😭

[@dylanthompson5421]

@@talistheintrovert I gagged 😂😂😂 but RELATABLE!

[@stumpybumpo]

@@dylanthompson5421 [SEX JOKE WINK]

[@vivideblois]

You know, I'm really grateful I watched this. Because I knew I fell somewhere on the spectrum but couldn't explain it, and internet quizzes were in no way helpful. You casually throwing the term "aego" out there as made life make a lot more sense to me.

[@braindumq]

17:44 ‘It wasn’t the actor I found attractive, it was the character they played’ I never thought about that until now you just explained so much about me in a single sentence😧 Also, I think that’s why I found/find fictional characters attractive because you get a full insight into who they are as a person. 30:57 I wrote the first but of this comment before watching this part and that’s just such a mood

[@gco21]

I’m in the cishet to trans-ace pipeline and honestly trying to figure out if I was ever actually even attracted to anyone, or just completely repulsed by all of it, including myself. I took the easiest option because I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror without seeing a stranger. Your clip of “loving yourself 20% and somebody comes along and loves you 30% and you’re like ‘WOAH THAT’S SO MUCH’ but it’s LITERALLY LESS THAN HALF” hit squarely too. Your video had me laughing and crying and scribbling down quotes. Thank you.

[@firesandflowers]

Um, are we the same person? 😅 Thank you for making this video. I wish there had been more videos like this when I was younger to help me (on my very similar journey). 💜 Most poeple don't know I'm ace (I only figured it out a few years ago). Not many people IRL know, mainly because I'm married and I really don't want either of us to have to deal with invasive questions about our relationship. Your thoughts towards the end are 🎯... "It's not a prompt for more questions". I'm so grateful that there are people like you who are outspoken and willing to share so much with us... THANK YOU for being loud and talking about it "all the time". I'm delighted to have stumbled your channel today (I just subscribed)! 💫

[@talistheintrovert]

this is such a lovely comment, you're so kind, thank you 🥺🥺 and I totally get that about telling people, it's exhausting, I hope your journey gets easier 💜😭

[@andrapaitz4257]

This video was so illuminating. Thank you so much for your openness about your experience!

[@jessiemacdonald3436]

i don’t think i have ever related to someone as much as this. i’ve been questioning whether i’m ace for a while but always been unsure but after watching this i’m pretty confidant i am. honestly just thanks for this video, while ace representation in media is great youtube’s videos like this can definitely hit home more.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@wickedwoodfairy]

Thank you for making this video, it makes me feel seen and not alone and that's all I want.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@jotakori8266]

Wow, I really identified with this video. I'm 30 and only recently learned the term aegosexual, and it was like opening the door into a whole new world of self-understanding. I am not quite as full-on asexual as yourself -- I think I'm probably grey or demi? (still figuring this shit out tbh lol.) But I had never realized I even _could_ be on the ace spectrum because of how thirsty I get over fictional characters. I never knew that only ever fantasizing about things without ever including yourself wasn't the norm, and that it fell under its own brand of asexuality. I just assumed I had to be allo, and that I was simply a weirdo one. But, yeah, I never had posters of hot celebrities and have never looked at someone and straight-up thought I wanna _actually_ do them. What makes it even more confusing is that I'm p sure the type of attraction I do experience is mirous, and when you only have your own internal baseline to compare things against, well, that straight up sounds like regular ole sexual attraction when you don't know any better lol. I also very, very deeply feel you in regards to having too much self worth and also not enough, and just accepting a life of never dating because you're too much trouble on top of not wanting to have sex, and having social anxieties that make it 840329403x harder to sort through what's what. Just... yeah, damn this video really spoke to me. There are so many little details about my life, particularly in my teen years, that now make me realize I've actually always been on the ace spectrum and just never realized it. Thank you for sharing!

[@talistheintrovert]

this comment means so much to me 🖤🩶🤍💜

[@althrace-49]

As far as I'm aware from my research there are five widely agreed upon forms of attraction. They are as follows (with short descriptions): Romantic attraction= i want to date that person; Sexual attraction= i want to have sex with that person; Emotional/Platonic attraction= i want a non-romantic emotional connection with that person; Aesthetic attraction= i want to look at that person; and Sensual/Physical attraction= i want non-sexual physical intimacy with that person.

[@talistheintrovert]

some people group sensual in with sexual and some people group it in with romantic, which is why I didn't include it because it is more like an additional form depending on who you ask

[@jelowo9877]

im aroace and thought i was bisexual in 2020 and taking that label made me feel like, hey this doesn't change anything. realizing im aroace on the other hand, explains so many things. i also thirst over fictional people and enjoy various nsfw content but have never experienced sexual attraction as far as i know. when you talked about randomly experiencing it for the first time that made me laugh, you never know what's going to happen in life the interesting thing about realizing that im aro is that i never used to be interested in relationships beyond comphet, where i assumed i would eventually be interested. but after a while of coming to terms with being aro, i realize i do want a relationship, i was never interested before because i saw the only option was romantic/sexual. but i do want a committed relationship that isn't those things. like sometimes people have an idea like hey, you never have to worry about dating then, but i feel like wanting something more unique like this can be even harder to find

[@lianebirch8298]

This popped up on the algorithm and it’s so great. I’m aroace in my 40s who didn’t know it was a thing until my mid 30s. It would have made my 20s a lot more comfortable if I’d known then rather than spending my time beating myself up for not wanting to go out and find a partner/bf/hookup/whatever.

[@rosecoloredhills]

I found your channel a few weeks ago, and oh my gosh and I glad I did! It is so comforting to know I am not alone! I always just thought I was straight, even when I was clearly crushing on a girl, because I would think 'well, I do NOT want to kiss her, so I must be straight'. But I didn't think to ask that question about guys as well 😅.. stupid. I am learning stuff about myself all the time, and it makes me feel so much better knowing that other people are out there figuring it out too. Thank you for making this video!

[@talistheintrovert]

oh my gosh this makes me so happy!! I hope you continue to figure yourself out and thrive in the future!! 🥰

[@samuellessard1684]

I’ve googled and read and watched so many things that never quite get to the core of how I feel, but your video is so spot on. I lost count of all the times you put words to a thing I’ve always felt but never understood. I’m going to come back to this when those thoughts become overwhelming. Thanks for helping me feel not alone.

[@talistheintrovert]

I'm so glad my video could help you in some way 💜💜💜

[@randompersonyoudontknow1678]

ooohhhhh thank you so much for this video!!!! i had been trying to learn more about assexuality because i've been questioning for years now, but the videos and other stuff on the topic always seemed so "dumbed down" for a more straight audience? idk. but it's so great to finally find a deep dive that is actually very helpful. you have a great way of describing your own experience. i just wanna thank you for this!

[@talistheintrovert]

thank you so much!! 🥰

[@skyeguy7914]

I went through a sort of journey of self-exploration that led me inexorably to the gates of aroace. I explored the identity for a while and while it fit me personally to an extent… it wasn’t perfect for my identity. And so, after some careful reassessment and re-exploration, I’ve been trying to redefine my own sense of sexuality. It’s like this… strange, amorphous blob of thought that is always ever accompanying me, always constantly shifting shape and form just to stump me again whenever I think I’ve got it pegged. Whatever I am, I have an appreciation for this topic that I might not have had otherwise. It’s cool to be you. Whatever, weird, strange thing you may be. And when you embrace that, it’s like achieving enlightenment, and ascending your own personal plane of existence in a lot of ways. Which… of course comes with the baggage of having to explain things you uniquely understand that others don’t sometimes. But I believe in you all and in your personal journeys. And I’m proud of those of you who’ve reached your destinations. Wether that’s straight, gay, bi, pan, asexual, or whatever else you’ve found. That goes for your general identity too.

[@goodingreen4736]

Thank you for saying aegosexuality so I could research it. Helped me a lot

[@maritschmid2422]

This video so eloquently expressed very recognizable experiences, thoughts and feelings about being "different". I still don't really use the asexuality label, but it's mostly for the sake of not wanting to have to explain myself to people. It's also one of the main reason I don't date. I have some friends who understand, some that know the full story and some that suspect something without knowing the label for it. Unfortunately I also have a lot of experience in my 30+ years with the "just wait until you meet the right one", "you'll change your mind", creepy r*pe insinuations to help me "take care of that" and the "you don't want to close yourself of to those experiences". My answer to the last one is - yes, I do because they don't appeal to me. Obviously these responses have screwed with my mind a lot,. However, the "experiences" people think I'm missing have never interested me, which I also, coincidentally, started understanding when my friends where discussing BJs when we were teenagers. At the end of the day I am a very shy and introverted person who barely has the energy to face all the everyday-stuff one has to deal with as an adult without having to constantly worry about ending up alone (single-tax will be the end of me). So thank you for this video and thank you for saying "there's a mourning period for this idea of your future that you have been raised to have, that you have to let go of when you're ace". Maybe I can finally bury that idea, the mourning period has lasted WAY too long.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@darlinarlin2661]

I just wanted to say that I've never, in my entire life felt more seen, understood, and represented in a video. I have too many thoughts, and I'm not going to start rumbling, but I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you so much for these videos that you do, they really mean SO much to people like me who have always felt invisible, never quite fitting in in another peoples experience. Thank you again.

[@talistheintrovert]

this means so much to me you have no idea 🖤🩶🤍💜 and I promise that video is still in the works!! it's moved down the list a little, but it's definitely still there 🥰

[@TheMathildasjoberg]

All of this - very relatable!! I think the best way I would describe my own attraction and sexuality is aesthetic attraction to anyone, regardless of gender, romantic attraction primarily men, and sexual attraction, no thanks. But that's such a strange way to go about describing it to people, like coworkers, because they don't really need to know all that about me, so I just don't say anything about it. At the same time, I am also reading smut & fanfics with high kink content, and while my fantasies often do feature myself in them, I am not sure I would actually like to be in a situation like that? Also the visceral hate for tinder is why I have never used it as well - so many of the little behaviours you describe are things that I can relate so much to! Anyway, thanks for this!!

[@dylanthompson5421]

Not the silence after your coming out 😭 you made it through, you survived!!

[@talistheintrovert]

I DID IT BESTIE 🙏

[@laranadesign4764]

The way you ended with a shout out to your platonic wives reminds me of "office husbands" - endearing and platonic. Love it!

[@SalimDoodles]

I'm birromantic demisexual and omg all of this YES. I wasn't the pretty friend in school and I'd see all my friends dating boys and learn from what went wrong, and thanks to that I know how to differenciate what's healthy and what's not in a relationship. I've been dating my significant other for +3 years now, I realized I'm demisexual a bit after we started dating (a lot of stuff about myself started making sense). I'm also in a platonic relationship with my zucchini, and I call both of them my wives bc they both mean so much to me, the only difference is one is romance-and-sex-aversed and the other is allosexual. It's so much easier to just say I'm bi instead of explaining demisexuality, but I'm thankful for shows like Bojack Horseman for speaking about asexuality and giving me a tool of reference for my non-queer friends lol.

[@anotherstellarbiome4413]

I just discovered your channel yesterday when I watched your Barbie video. It resonated with me so much that I immediately subscribed, watched this video, and now I know how to put how I've always felt, but never fully understood, into words. It gives me a warm sense of relief to finally have solved this personal mystery. I have had anxiety attacks over trying to better understand this part of myself, but it's like you said, I never had the vocabulary for this before and also thought being asexual meant being strictly opposed to all levels of intimacy. I also do not believe that anyone in my family would believe me because I'm in my 30's and have been married for over 10 years. Thank you for the videos, they are helping others 😊

[@talistheintrovert]

this is so wonderful to hear, I'm so happy I could have been of some help and I hope that whatever label you decide, it makes you happy 🖤🩶🤍💜

[@dylanthompson5421]

I was glued to the screen whilst watching this Talis!!! Thank you for educating, and producing this!!! Icon!

[@talistheintrovert]

oh my gosh you're far too kind my love ILYYYYY 😘😍😘🥺

[@dylanthompson5421]

@@talistheintrovert anytime my diva xoxo

[@flaviasomarriba6555]

36:50 all this segment till 39:00 you have no idea how much I relate to that, and having you voice it out, it really makes me cry cause I am glad someone out there is feeling the same way, but it doesn't take away the fact that it is still very lonely and a hard thing to accept. I have been mourning this idea for more than 3 years, and it still is hard 😭

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@dreamfaller6372]

Thank you for this. It's insane how much of it resonated with me, particularly your story about your adolecence and feeling unlovable, being told that you're "intimidating". Cause yep. That. God, I need therapy😅 Anyway, I'm certainly somewhere on the spectrum, demi- and aegosexual in particular ring very true for me. I think the reason why I refused to even enter ace spaces online and watch videos like this for so long is that I always associated asexuality with loneliness. Like, being ace means I'll never have a signigicant other and I'll end up alone when all my friends have moved on with their relationships/marriages. However hearing from so many people in the comments who all fall somewhere on the spectrum, who all are so beautifully individual it gives me hope. I do want someone to be there. To share life's ups and downs with. It's probably my most deeply held desire. And hopefully I'll find someone who compliments my hang ups, feelings and desires (or lack thereof) to such a degree that we can make it work.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@j.e.locklin1559]

This video really helped me realize that I'm ace. I've been questioning for a while now, maybe a year or two, but all the ace people I've met online had different experiences than me so I always assumed I wasn't. I've heard from a lot of ace people that they never really had crushes on people and they didn't really care for sex or that they were repulsed by it. I was kinda the opposite, I was quick to develop a crush if I thought they were cute, but it never went beyong that, I refused to talk to them and actively avoided them. And I've always liked the idea of sex, I read and write smut but recently I realized I can never imagine myself having sex, it just feels too weird and gross. I think you're the first person where I was really able to understand what you were talking about and feel seen by what you were saying. Thank you so much for this video, it's helped me out so much with coming to terms with my asexuality ❤❤❤

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@Summer_and_Rain]

it took me 26 years to realize I was bi. I am almost 31 and have just come out as ace to my friends and sister. The thing that clicked for me was "little to no sexual attraction TO OTHER". The other part was the part that is the most important to me. Because I have a fun solo sex life, so the "little to no sexual attraction" felt like a "you cannot be ace if you like sex". It really is nice to hear peoples stories, because it can chance peoples understanding, which makes it easier to accept. I just told my friend the "little or no sexual attraction to other" definition and she got it. On a different but still the same note: I grew up with a narc parent, which has left it scares, so a lot of my adult life is learning how my body and mind works, so I can be "free". One of those awesome books is: "comes as you are" by Emily Nagoski. When you get through the fancy words in chapter 1 then your mind will be open up to a lot of really interesting fact about how we where taught wrong about how our brain works when it comes to "sex". I think everyone should read it, because it is also helping me with other not sex subjects :)

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@roozzie_7280]

I'm litteraly crying, this whole video and your explanation about your experience makes me feel so seen. Deep down I still wish that I would find "the right person" and everything suddenly makes sense but I think deep deep down I know I need to accept that I am Ace and most possibly aroace.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@annie-il9dj]

thank you for making this video, talis. i came out as ace last year (identified as aroace for a bit, that was messy) and I've never related to a video more than this one before. everything you spoke about made it make more sense in my head. and yeah, I know we shouldn't let other people be the ones to validate us and our feelings, but fuck it, this is so much of what I've been trying to put into words for ages!

[@talistheintrovert]

this makes me so happy!! it's true you shouldn't rely SOLELY on others to validate you but I found it so much easier to qualify my own feelings when they were validated too, so I completely get it. the fact that my video was so relatable to you makes me feel like all of the messy figuring out I had to do was worth it for other people to identify with it and maybe lessen their own stress, at least a little bit 🥰

[@shivi5561]

Thank you so much for this video. It's confusing enough when you don't understand if you like sex or not but then to make it worse everyone around you seems to feel differently than you, which just makes you feel like you need to either try harder or you're just unattractive. I've started to try to understand what I feel lately and this video has really helped me.

[@Songe467]

I had to laugh when you said you tended to introduce yourself as bi before you even mention your name. I generally start talking about my health problems and disability to anyone who seems friendly because I would rather know if they are flaky and unreliable before I start thinking of them as a friend. I have had very few friends in my life so I really get to include the fact that I am ace since that's reserved to people who survive the first part.

[@talistheintrovert]

SO REAL 🙏

[@princestower]

your kdrama guy is my spock, ironically. thank you for saying it all so right,,, it lines up with my experience near perfectly

[@amysaurus121]

Thank you so much for this! I've never related to a video so hard. ❤ I came to terms with my asexuality a few years back, but I remember so well feeling like a freak growing up. Friends would go over their crushes in middle and elementary school, and eventually sexual exploits in high school. I'd always have no stories, no crushes - in fact, I was always the one giving relationship advice. Relatives or other adults would ask who I'm dating - it was always no one. They would say I just hadn't found the right guy, and that I would one day. I convinced myself that maybe I was a lesbian - maybe there was no right guy, and that's why I never felt anything for a guy. Every time anyone did show interest in dating me, I would be happy for all of 30 seconds before feeling absolutely horrified, but I'd always convince myself it was because dating was new to me. Figuring out about asexuality was really bittersweet. I felt like so much of my life finally had an explanation, but at the cost of accepting I'd never be normal, I'd never relate to my friends the way others could. 😅

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@sunayama4650]

I used to think I'd be single forever because I had too much baggage and I'm ace. Then I met someone who was totally fine with it and still wanted to date me. But it didn't work out because they wanted children and I didn't. Then I thought I'd be single forever because I had too much baggage, I'm ace, and I don't want children. Then I met another person who was fine with all of that. And then I remembered that despite loving them, I love alone time more. Now I think I'm going to be single forever because I actually want to be alone. And then I met someone who is fine with giving me as much space as I need. Still not interested in dating, but anyway... 😅 All of this is to say, to everyone out there, just because you can't imagine someone being able to love you for who you are, that doesn't mean that kind of person doesn't exist. Lots of people don't think asexuality exists. Hell, my autocorrect doesn't even think it's a word, but here we are, exhaling a collective sigh from our ace-ass lungs because we've run into the usual "that's not asexual because..." or "You haven't met the right person" and their dozens of other flavors. As for my own ace experience, I'll say this: at the end of the day, all I want to do is obsess over a fictional character or a persona someone puts on display, like a friend might in a tabletop RPG or if that friend amplifies some part of their personality in public. That's what I'm interested in. But sex and kissing feels like alien probing and Costco taste testing to my mind. I don't know if I made sense. I just kinda rambled while listening to the video.

[@dontdosadness]

I relate so much to so much of your story ❤️ like so much overlap with mine except for the part where I’m het ace. And because of that I still struggle to feel part of the queer community. I get written off constantly because I’m romantically straight. And then I write myself out and just say I’m an ally. To the point that when I was with my friend group and was using an ace icon during pride month one of my friends was like “wait, why do we always joke you’re the token non queer when you’re ace?” And it was so unceremoniously validating and all I could say was “I don’t know. Why do you all do that?” And had to make all of them think for two seconds. So yeah it’s weird not feeling part of either “typical” society or the queer community or knowing where to fit in despite being really clear on how I see myself.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜

[@clouduponthemoon530]

I laughed so hard when you talked about coming out to your lecturer. I'm Ace and an elementary school teacher. A mom of a student was just starting her career as a nail tech and asked if she could experiment on me. I was game. Over nails, I came out to a woman a barely knew. I am so grateful to her for her friendship, understanding, and --due to the deep-redness of our area-- discretion. Sometimes we just know who is safe. And, oh! How liberating it is to say out loud.

[@talistheintrovert]

🖤🩶🤍💜