Dating Autistic People As An Autistic

What are the positives and negatives of dating Autistic people as an Autistic person, and how can we improve the Autistic relationships that we have?
Dating an Autistic person can look VERY different from dating Neurotypicals, but what happens when two Autistic people date each other... is it better, more complicated, or easier?
There is a general lack of Autism dating videos on KZbin, but perhaps an even smaller niche around dating within your Autistic neurotype
I hope you enjoy this FULL deep dive into Autistic:Autistic relationships!
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Chapters:
00:00 Introduction
00:36 Caveats
03:08 Interaction
11:25 Flirting
16:39 Mutual Support
22:15 Emotional Connection
22:39 Physical Intimacy
33:40 Trauma
35:48 Unmasking and Improvement
41:52 Relationship Progression
45:22 Important Final Thoughts
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[@djmeagaaim17antman]

People should just be direct and up front about what they want instead of people trying to get someone to read your mind

[@ProudRavenclaw23]

As an aspie I feel this on a *deep* level

[@MsLisa551]

Hi Thomas.... great topic!! I am ADHD diagnosed, and I date a guy who is on the spectrum. We have been friends for over 15 years. However our romantic relationship started 3 years ago. We lives 4600 miles a part. He is from my area in the northeast but he works in Alaska 6 months or more a year as a mechanical engineer. He has flown back to Massachusetts just to have dinner with me and back to Alaska in the same day. Yes its true lol . He was showing me that time spent was most important. It was so endearing and I know he care about me. Because we both are a bit different in our ways I feel like we understand one another. I don't like to date NT men. Though when he has been away for awhile its really difficult for him to interact with me or anyone. Sometimes we can talk on the phone for hours like 4-7 hours when he is away. We talk every 3 weeks. Overall.. its tough.. we are very clear in communication its how we are. But he definitely struggles more than I having our relationship. I love him, I do.. he does want me to move to Alaska in a couple of years. I just don't know its going to turn out. ❤💔

[@pamtufnell6751]

Can you do a video on autistics drawn to other autistics all my friends are autistic

[@Ozubura]

So far I have a new friend that’s a potential relationship provided we both are demisexual and it’s actually nice that we both are on the same page despite communicate difficulties at first needing to slowly smooth out and now both of us I’m glad are better at using each others special interests to communicate and just music alone we are the same. I always thought good friends and partners had to be different but I’m finding more of the same a relief because less stress from the unknown.

[@meryluk]

Thanks Thomas really enjoyed this presentstion. I have a friend who is autistic and helps me understand him better.

[@ThomasHenley]

I’m really glad Meryl. I think a lot of these things can translate to friendships too!

[@anonymous-cx7ng]

I would love to be with another autistic

[@ProudRavenclaw23]

Same, same, same

[@etcwhatever]

I have been with two guys that were clearly autistic. I was unware of my own autism at the time. It was in trying to understand them that i realized my own "features". For some reason, i cross paths with other ND people. Best conversation i had at work was with another female colleague who felt confortable enough with me to share her ASD diagnosis. But even if both partners are ND it doesnt guarantee success. Individual characteristics can clash and autistic arent very flexible by nature. But yes, i understood them much better than other people in general. Honesty and no game playing are the best.

[@jacquizbak]

Life is a classroom n we ALL r here 2 learn ESPECIALLY about love! There is no right way or wrong way as we r ALL evolving at different things/different times...sometimes ur the bug sometimes ur the windshield! we just need 2 remember that what is most important is what is EXACTLY most important/desirable 2U ~ never let anyone/hollyweird/classics tell U what u already know u want/need/desire ~ best way 4me was/is 2 practice gratitude Journaling & segment intending diary ~ unless u already know someone who has EXACTLY what u want in an ideal relationship n u want 2 learn/practice/choose 2do it like them... its better 2 keep ur dreams close 2 ur heart guarding it till u start experiencing exactly what u imagined/intended...just choose 2 savor n b most grateful 4 that alone attracts more of the same~ LOA eh!?!!5:35Pm11/21/2023

[@johnstover4584]

I have a hard time when a girl is flirting with me. I can't tell if they are just saying hi to me or flirting. So when I read it wrong and try to be forward it kills my want to try again. So I don't know how to be with someone after being abused by me ex wife. I'd rather be healthy and alone then sick and with someone.

[@Psychoticgoldfish]

Healthy and alone is WAY better. I feel the same way!

[@turtleanton6539]

😊😊😊

[@turtleanton6539]

​@@Psychoticgoldfish😅yes😅

[@johnstover4584]

I got divorced 10 years ago because she was so abusive. Back then I didn't have a diagnoses. So she just thought I didn't love her. Because I hate human touch. So she tried to murder me in my sleep. I just don't know how to show affection. If I'm doing things for you then you should know I love you. I wouldn't do anything for a person I don't like. I can't sleep in the same bed as the person. It's not fair for a person with autism when it comes to relationships. We want the person but we don't know how to be the way they want us. I forced myself to cuddle because it is so uncomfortable to have someone touch you. Especially when they are abusive.

[@noraberry5256]

@@johnstover4584 my boyfriend is the same way… he knows that I really enjoy physical touch (and obviously I know he doesn’t enjoy it). We just talked about it one day and I respect his boundaries and he gives me physical touch when he knows I need it. When he sees that I might be upset, he’ll touch my leg, or put his hand on my back. It makes it that much more special. I’m not diagnosed ASD but 2 of my brothers are high functioning ASD diagnosed (and my 76 year old father has obvious traits).. now I look back on my life (pacifier until I was 6 years old, smell sensory issues, texture phobia of chalk, among other traits) and I’ve realized I most likely have ASD as well. But if you are upfront with people you date, they will be more understanding of your traits (touch sensory issues). If they are a good fit as a partner, and love you, they will be understanding! My boyfriend was also in a very abusive relationship before me and I know it was because she was also having reactive abuse to his alexithymia (resulting in silent treatment often) and his aversion to touch. He is wonderful at using acts of service to communicate love. Next time you approach a relationship, let her know that you have sensory touch issues but you enjoy showing love in acts of service (cooking for her, etc.) and let her know how you enjoy being shown love (according to your love language). I think my boyfriend enjoys quality time, gifts (and I love giving him gifts), and words of affirmation. His alexithymia has caused us so many issues… we have gone no contact 5 times this year alone. It’s the one thing that I worry may cause the relationship to end (because I feel so abandoned when he goes silent). My dad would do this to my mom and leave for weeks at a time (they lived separately) and it created a childhood trauma. Unfortunately, my boyfriend has very similar traits as my father and so it triggers that in me a lot. Just try to communicate your issues with your next potential partner, if they are a good and loving person, they will respect that boundary.

[@PrimalCuriosity]

I learned a lot! Thank you!

[@ambikalokesh4932]

Thank you! Very well articulated and helpful.❤

[@ThomasHenley]

You are so welcome, glad you enjoyed it! 😊

[@HannahBaruch]

This is so incredibly helpful for me as a fellow member of the Autism community in navigating the new and daunting world of dating and relationships.

[@cherylyoke4872]

AANE is a good way to meet other autistic people.😊

[@vicb5118]

My hubby has adhd and I am autistic

[@anastasiaalexandra916]

I'm AuDHD, and struggle a ton with the dating scene. Currently been single and celibate for over 4 years... Before that I have been in long relationships, mainly 3-5 year relationships. I do not believe I've ever dated someone ND though I would love to, I feel I could be understood more. I have been called Demisexual and Sapiosexual, though I'm heterosexual. So on the asexual spectrum. I'm very different with the words of affirmation... That's my least favorite love language 😅 I think it's because I find most never mean what they say. My favorite love language is touch, though I know that's odd for a ND person. I think at this point, since I struggle with dating in general, especially in this hookup culture which I literally can't partake in... I'm going to hold out until I meet a ND person that can get me.

[@anastasiaalexandra916]

Interesting, the more you're describing an autistic person....I was diagnosed with ASD1 and ADHD... But I actually give a lot of eye contact, I'm told it's too much. I actually prefer a partner that likes talking with me daily 🤷🏼‍♀️. I am very direct though, I've had men tell me it makes me intimidating 🙈.

[@anastasiaalexandra916]

With intimacy... It takes me a while to feel a connection with someone, but once I do it's like turning on a light switch. Typically my drive is higher than my partner's. And typically I want to even partake in nonsexual intimacy such as cuddling all the time.

[@OneximusVerseAI]

​@@anastasiaalexandra916I am in autistic 37-year-old man. Only discovered I was autistic about 2 years ago. I can say the whole dating scene is not for me unless I can find someone that means what they say instead of me playing a guessing game. Unfortunately for me I got married at 27 to a narcissist in 5 years later that relationship ended and they divorce thank God for that

[@justincusack8137]

I am %99 percent sure that I am autistic, and my fiancé is diagnosed autistic. She describes her experience with intimacy almost identically to the way you describe it. She is a demisexual, and I have a strong lean in that direction as well. She was saying to me tonight that usually it would take her a long time getting to know someone before feeling sexual attraction and desire towards someone, but with me it was extremely fast. We met on facebook dating and after a few days of sending each other massive info dump messages we had our first phone conversation, and we both have admitted in hindsight that it was an instant connection. We spent the next few weeks on the phone all day and all night, we share %90 of our special interests, and we implicitly understand each other in a way that no one else ever has. The first time we physically met, we stayed in a hotel room for 5 days together making love non-stop. (Oddly, during sex we kept orgasming at the at the exact same time ~ 19/20 times in those first 5 days, it has been at the same time like that ever since, something that has only ever happened to me maybe 1 time before…) I would have never believed you If you told me back in December that I would be engaged to someone who is so utterly perfect for me that I cry from happiness when I think about her I and she does the same with me. It changes you, having a connection like that! For the better. I hope you find your self one! It is true what they say, though when you meet that person, you just know.

[@anastasiaalexandra916]

@@justincusack8137 since this post... I thought I met him... He seems autistic and told me his last ex he was with a year ago was diagnosed ADHD and autistic like me. They only broke up because he came to the US. He's Portuguese and Italian, grew up in South Africa, but last lived in the UK for a decade, she's in the UK. He broke it off because he didn't want to hold her back and wants her to find her person. But now I don't know. We met on Bumble, talked on there a few days with texting and voice notes, felt an instant connection. Then got on a phone call... We lost track of time and that first call was 8 hours long. After that we continued texting everyday, phone calls 2-4 times per week, the shortest was 2 hours, most 5+ hours. Then we met up after a month. We spent 8 hours that night just getting to know each other, didn't even kiss. Then we continued calls and texts like usual. I should mention his schedule was extremely busy so that's why it took a month for a date, I also live 1 1/2 hours drive away. Then it was another month and we had our 2nd date, was amazing, we went to dinner then an arcade place. Again that 2nd date was over 8 hours, we did kiss at the end of the night. He got extremely affectionate towards me etc. Then again went back to texting and calls. Then... End of March he got bad news that his former employer cancelled his visa, he was given until April 9th to leave the country. He went silent for a couple of days but told me he's dealing with something and would get back to me... He told me April 1st about what exactly happened, that he had been consulting immigration attorneys etc. so I started researching also, talking to friends who were immigrants, etc etc. the attorneys and a lot of people in similar situations told him to overstay. It scared him, me too honestly. But it took him over 10 years to find a visa to qualify for to get here to begin with. So he weighed pros and cons and decided to overstay. Well that week over calls and texts things got spicy between us. So we both said we wanted to go to the next level and be intimate. So we set a date for that Saturday to be at a hotel after dinner. On Friday before we were on a call being sexy etc and he even stopped me and said, "hey, but seriously, I want to make sure we're on the same page that tomorrow is not just sex, it's to take this connection to the next level" I of course agreed and smiled because it was something I was going to bring up to him at dinner before anything happened. I had been celibate for 4+ years, he had been for close to a year. That night... Was magical. Once I'm sexually attracted, I have a high drive towards that person and usually I'm too much for most, not for him. We just were in sync is is the only way I could describe it. We both did things we normally wouldn't do until well into a relationship, but it just felt right. The next day he was talking future talk and saying I'm checking all of his boxes for White he wants in a life partner. We went to breakfast, I was dressed super casual, no makeup, hair a mess, first time him seeing me like that... And I would catch him in the corner of my eye staring and smiling at me. So I know he has deep feelings for me. The next day was the eclipse and he had it on his bucket list to see, I had to work so couldn't go. But he drove 12 hours round trip to Kentucky to see it. And I didn't hear from him until late night telling me how much he drove and that he was tired and we would talk another time. I had sent him a lot of texts and voice notes, all good ones of course. Well then Tuesday the 9th... the day he was supposed to leave by. He got silent. I gave him space thinking he was dealing with something. Then Wednesday he was silent. So my dark thoughts creeped in and I was texting him asking if everything was okay, silence. He would read my messages but no answer. This went on all day. I would also see him active on IG. That night I really panicked, blew him up more, including messages on IG. He then texted on Thursday saying "I will reply soon... dont let this be the catalyst to blow up my phone. I need space" it hurt. I won't lie. Like if something's going on why not just tell me? Well I did, I gave him space for 4 days. Then Monday last week started texting positive "good morning" texts and fun updates on things I'm doing throughout the day, like I use to. Then last Thursday I broke down emotionally missing him and texted asking how long am I to wait to hear from him basically. He replied in a couple of hours with "Anastasia, I've asked for space and I expect it to be respected. I will talk to you soon. I need time to figure this out". I still don't know what "this" is that he's figuring out and that's what bothers me. So I sent texts explaining why I'm emotional and why his silence is hurting me. I apologized if I made him feel disrespected and promised not to text again until he reaches out to me... So I know most would think he played me, but no. I don't feel that intuitively. He hasn't been back on Bumble, I know because he paused it in front of me on our first date and I know how to tell if it's unpaused...he doesn't know I know how to tell. Mine was already paused because I don't serial date, I focus on one person at a time. Before he paused it he showed me that I was the last person he talked to on there. So yea... He's not going around talking to or dating others, I know at least that. He's active on WhatsApp (where we usually talk) and IG throughout the day... He watches every story I post. So I just don't understand why he's not talking to me. It's now been 2 weeks, it hurts. He keeps saying he'll talk "soon" but idk what soon means. I understand he made a very tough life altering decision and he's probably dealing with a lot... But why shut me out? Idk I don't know what to think. I don't know if he still cares about me, if he wants to continue with me, or what. I don't know if something really bad happened. I'm just left in the dark. I feel it in my bones he's my person... That's why this silence hurts. My stories on IG and posts are mainly just my fitness journey stuff and inspirational/motivational stuff. I have been posting more stories than usual with life updates, since he watches them it's my way of communicating with him. I don't know if he knows I'm doing that on purpose. I also don't know how long I'm supposed to wait.

[@cherylyoke4872]

AANE is a good way to meet other autistic people.😊

[@Yaelah-ws9rq]

I hope i can find one

[@hotgoomba]

lool, this thumbnail is too good

[@Syluxsify]

Now if only there was a place to meet all the other autistic people

[@cherylyoke4872]

AANE is a good way to meet other autistic people. 😊❤

[@popsequentialism7213]

The woman pictured on the Preview / Title Card does not appear anywhere in this video.

[@olyo5483]

😂😂😂

[@ThomasHenley]

It’s my fellow creator friend Nikka Nadia if you’d like to follow her. She’s starting up a new charity about Autism

[@emubeepboop]

So I have a conundrum and If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated :D There's a person that I really like and I'm not even sure whether it's in a romantic way or not but I really enjoy their company and cuddling/hugging would be nice but idk about smooching. I also think they might feel similarly but idk for sure? I want to be direct and tell them I like them but I'm also terrified of rejection and I think maybe they are having the same thing but idk for sure and if neither of us says anything it's just gonna turn awkward i think? Like it hasn't turned awkward yet we just talk a lot and they are really nice to me like offering me rides and stuff but idk how to go about it further like it feels like it might be a missed opportunity if I don't say something but also I don't want to ruin what we have rn. (T^T) We are both neurodiverse in multiple ways both diagnosed and undiagnosed.

[@heatherwilliams3748]

Tell them! Unless of course you're comfortable with the unknown of it all which can be thrilling at times. But if you have that feeling like you just need to know if you're on the same page, then tell them.

[@emubeepboop]

@@heatherwilliams3748 thank you for the advice!

[@pferreira1983]

For me probably best not to. 🤔

[@artesian-parmesan]