Attachment and Relationships

[@nana19570]

Ohhh! This should be really interesting. You’ve had me hooked on this topic since your Love Is Blind reviews. Will be back to listen

[@taylorespinosa9288]

Thanks Dr. Honda! Started with your 90 day fiance videos, but getting deeper into your other videos now! Very helpful.

[@jameelaal-nakkas3325]

“Humans are squishy things.” is now one of my fav PsychSeattle quotes!

[@lavenderrose786]

Hi Kirk: Love listening to you. Your podcasts are like "Good Food". "Food for my Soul" nourishing me from the inside/out. Thank-you...

[@isi_silence_6488]

Dr.Kirk : The avoidant, they don’t even text to begin with, because they don’t reach out. Me : 👁👄👁

[@jaydenogiamien6655]

lol

[@heyitsnasira]

Girl, right!? Call me out then.

[@Twirlingbarbie]

I feel very attacked right now!

[@akirebara]

I am Pre-Occupied and I've destroyed my past romantic relationships by sabotaging myself and gas lighted people them. After years of therapy and also listening to Dr. Honda, I'm finally realizing and accepting these and trying my best to be more secure with myself. I realized that my first memories when I was a kid was crying and being sad because of my parents leaving me. Every single example that Dr. Honda said was me when I was a toddler. :(

[@sierrapink]

I love this interviewer! He has so many unique and thought-provoking questions that he communicates so clearly.

[@Inadifferentuniverse1999]

Loved this. I was wondering if you could do a video based on depression and relationships because it's hard to know both how to help your partner when they're suffering, and how to communicate to your partner what you're feeling without feeling like a burden or adding to their stress or sounding accusatory when talking about hoe their possible behaviours make you feel. Thank you!

[@marleyofficialmedia]

I appreciate you Kirk Honda! Thanks for everything you share.

[@henriksandbacka9442]

I would really be curious about what Disorganized Attachment (or Fearful Avoidant) feels like, especially in adult romantic relationship. How does it feel and what does one think when it triggers? Difficult question I know, but would be really interesting to read some responses.

[@Ineedtherapie_help]

Personally i'd describe it as a boundry of "personal space". When the boundry isnt crossed, everything is fine. As soon as it gets triggerd, it gets too initimate and a huge fear of rejection and insecurities comes up. Usually after this if i'm dating someone etc. Ill tell myself ill be better off alone, not wanting to face those emotions again. I hope this kind of answers your question.

[@keyeyey9770]

For me it manifests as wanting to be really close to someone, and getting clingy, while also looking for every reason why I can’t trust someone. And that leads me to pushing them away when I’m upset.

[@clairbear1234]

Thank you for describing it as a need like water. That’s how it feels in my body, I describe it like a feeling like thirst, for contact and emotional intimacy. When it spirals it when my romantic partner uses distance (with out asking for it) as a way to lower the temperature of my emotions- but it’s truly horribly painful.

[@Blizzard757575]

I've been in AA for 14 months. I'm avoidant and disorganized and absolutely gravitate towards meditation. AA encourages you to talk it out. I am finally experiencing emotions and my physiology is following suit. My mind wants to hide and it's being exposed. I'm starting to get in touch with what I'm feeling and also recognizing the physiology link. My reflux and headaches are getting better but also getting a lot of other aches and pains. I attribute this to a kind of reorganization of my processing. I vastly underestimate my psychology on my physical health and wellness. When I feel "weird" I try to identify what i"m feeling, where it is coming from and I pick up the phone and call someone. I have accepted I need other human beings.

[@YTispropaganda]

Congratulations on your 14 months!!!!

[@MePatra]

Great work keep going!!

[@TheBreechie]

I remember from my uni days that avoidant attachment was (significantly) more common in children of German heritage in attachment studies. As best I can recall there was some evidence to suggest they valued and encouraged increased levels of independence and free thinking in their children as a consequence of the Second World War

[@mieke4968]

That is very interesting that you would say that. I - being german - think that it makes a lot of sense that it would be more common in Germany. But I don't think, encouraging free thinking and independence has much to do with that. Or maybe on the surface? In the last years there have been an increasing number of books and studies in germany, that center around 'Generational Trauma'. There are books and even therapy groups about 'Nachkriegskinder' - 'Afterwar - children', 'Nachkriegszeit' just meaning the time after WWII, and even 'Nachkriegsenkel', 'Afterwar - Grandchildren'. The trauma of experiencing a war has not been really taken seriously in Germany for a long time. Because of shame and guilt and such. It only started maybe 15 years ago and is still not very common to talk about. But there have been numerous traumatized people. Like everywhere. I believe there are very few families that have not had traumatized people, so it was just 'normal'. And the families kind of handed the trauma down through the generations, because traumatized kids often become difficult parents for their own kids, especially if the trauma is not worked on, because it is kind of normal or taboo, to 'make it a problem'. Maybe the encouraging of independnce even was a side of that playing out? But I believe, the attachment style of the parent towards the child matters way more than their style of what values they encourage or the 'parenting' or 'education' style they decide for conciously. I think, considering the level of trauma in the generations it makes perfect sense that there would be a lot of kids harmed in their attachment style. There was a lot of trauma caused by the Germans all over Europe of course. But it may have stayed in the families even longer because of the taboo of adressing it. Because we did not really allow ourselves to adress it, because we had caused it and other horrific things ourselves. (I think I got carried away here, sorry for the long text.)

[@jessicabrighton8733]

Excellent! I love this long podcast. I listen to it as I do housework and look forward to watch and listen to this advice and informative gold with my children!!! Very positive approach.

[@ikabby6482]

Dr. Honda is an amazing teacher and must be such a wonderful therapist ☺️

[@marsukarhu9477]

Hah, his Danish accent really warms my heart.

[@seemosofi]

Every time I press on a video from this channel, first thing I do is SMASH like 👍👍👍👍😉

[@sandyd-h9563]

I wonder if anyone has checked on children from different countries? I believe that in the USA the maternity leave is very short, while in Canada we get a full 12 months home with the baby. How that might change attachment issues with children

[@elenap.3787]

I will definitely freak out when people don't answer more or less immediately when I write, so I will than write to more than one person to ensure that I get at least one answer.

[@dedu98]

Where was that mentioned? Link?

[@TheHouseOffice]

Same!

[@TheHouseOffice]

@@dedu98 34:41

[@rabbitblue1083]

I can thank so much to you already, helps so much to understand more about me and my marriage! Thank you so so much!

[@725Kellybean]

I felt sad when you disorganized attachment was the worst kind. I am mostly disorganized with a side of preoccupied. Is it harder to manage than the others?

[@rodbrown4427]

its so weird hearing you on the other side as a guest opposed to being the host XD

[@helenah9192]

I had to check who your co host was after hearing the heavy danish accent, nice to see a fellow dane on the show.😄

[@beconscious578]

Hi dr., how do children who have to go through a lot of medical procedures early in life form attachment? Because the parent is with them through all those often scary and painful moments, do they get linked with that discomfort?

[@BlueHeron654]

My trauma was from early childhood medical treatment and I am avoidant in my relationships.

[@helenah9192]

Before many years ago, the children were alone in hospitals and during second world war 2 thats why Bowlby did his research on attachment. They show that parents that are there lower stress and can help lower pain, it is important the parents are there for comfort and support, but very important that they dont hold restrain etc. I would say would cause trauma is not informing the child, restraint etc. But not the parent being there and comforting their child.

[@beconscious578]

@@helenah9192 sadly caregivers do need the parents to restrain the child for blood work, administering medicine etc., it always hurts my heart when I have to do that.

[@helenah9192]

BeConscious at the hospital i was at they always did their best to avoid it

[@cyberlilute7731]

Thank you for this explanation, so accurate, professional and clear!

[@ashleym7083]

Thank you for another fascinating video, I really appreciate the parenting insights 💗

[@be_me]

Perfect timing. Thank you.

[@kmp820]

Had to go back to this episode, I missed a lot.

[@NotAMuse]

The husband and I need major help. Taking notes while listening.

[@dawnecarter4878]

Omg loved this interview!!!

[@helpyourcattodrive]

I love your take on the relationships in the reality shows. What I have a hard time w is believing those reality show relationships are real.

[@WeirdxSourxMango]

hi doctor hope you’re doing well!!

[@ilovejesus6762]

I will listen while drinking from my new coffee mug! Thanks.

[@sasher1022]

What does the mug look like?

[@ilovejesus6762]

It says, “psychology in Seattle” on one side and “you deserve it” on the other side. He included cute stickers too.

[@esterf2545]

Wait since when he has merch? Where can I get it?!

[@tiffany3784]

I read Lovenhiem's book a few months ago. Keen to hear your input.

[@lisa5821]

Please do a video on retroactive jealousy OCD 🙏

[@asdfghjkl8236]

Second this!!!

[@nz5652]

Can you have 2 different attachments issues ?

[@RayReklaw7993]

Thank you kindly.

[@applepower5]

"My friend..." yeah Mads x-D we know you don't like texting your partner whilst your work, and that she is anxious :-D It's OK!

[@christie205]

Great episode!!

[@bruceweatherly6559]

Do Love Victor for a reaction in the future.

[@mygrinningcat]

Anyone guiltily analysing that dude?

[@rijpmajohan]

11:07 Oops!

[@zanetawu4414]

Nothing about disorganized type; I feel it’s just been dismissed, even by dr. Honda

[@ModernSouthernBelle]

I feel like Dr. Kirk is America's version of Jordan Peterson. I could listen to him talk for hours and I always learn something.

[@dawnhawkins9699]

AGREED! Dr. Kirk is more gentle in his expression.

[@SweelFor]

They couldn't be more different lol

[@elenap.3787]

I am not sure Dr. Kirk likes this comparison.

[@jagmaster6595]

Jordan Peterson is racist trash masquerading as a psychology professor

[@fluffyscruffy]

One (major!) difference is one does have a license and the other one doesn't.

[@coltoncarey7042]

666 likes. Hail.

[@afrobelle8626]

The host (and his friend) seem avoidantly attached

[@mighehe]

den tunge danske accent hehe