Enmeshed Family Boundaries

[@maheenm.k1015]

There are families that use the excuse of culture, traditions, religion to specifically enmesh female members, and the other hand give male members the freedom to go out, do whatever they want and feel fulfilled. They want the males to enjoy their lives and have fun, but the females can only go out with the whole family, or have strict curfew to before sun down. This is the kind of misogyny, some families with a more conservative lifestyle have.

[@hadizamohammed]

Relatable. You just described my upbringing

[@xiaoyulv701]

Thank you Dr.Kirk Honda. Just came here after a very heartbreaking fight with my mom. It helps me to understand my family dynamic a little bit.

[@AntheaPeter]

I come from an enmeshed family. I'm the youngest. I have very controlling parents, who overprotected me as a child. They decided EVERYTHING for me. At 13 years old my curfew was freaking 5pm. For some time, when I was much younger, I somehow didn't seem to mind that. I guess I haven't tried to, what you call.. "individuate". But when I got into my 20's boy OH boy, I started to get reallllyyy rebellious (I still am lol). I wanted MY OWN LIFE. It's SO true when you said that we have a TREMENDOUS amount of repressed rage. Because I know I do, till today, and I'm turning 30 next month. Right now I can't stand being too close to my parents, because they suffocate me. I would say that 3 out of 5 times my dad will always have something mean, sarcastic or deprecating to say, and any normal innocent conversation can quickly escalate into an argument blown out of proportions. In the worst cases (which isn't so frequent now thank God) my dad would bang things, raise his voice and say extremely mean things. Growing up until now, I felt like I could never express my true feelings, as they would never listen and understand. My mum too, who has trouble accepting that I have a different opinion about a lot of things, has a tendency to "indoctrinate" and never back down when she's relentless on winning an argument. It's true that we become dependant on other people on our needs, I guess it turns into some kind of codependency. I saw this play out in my relationship, where I was just that typical NEEEEEDY girlfriend in the first few years of our relationship. It's our 7th year now, been through a lot, and now I'm learning to self-soothe and centre myself whenever I feel needy. Anyway. I have been dying to move out and I just feel stuck like there doesn't seem to be a way. My mum definitely has an issue with me living alone, which I find so irritating! Especially with Asian traditions, where the unspoken rule is a child shouldn't move out unless they get married. I don't know I just feel that moving away from my parents would make my life better, but perhaps there's that subconscious narrative that says I'm not worthy of it or it would disappoint my parents holding me back. I could go ON and ON and not stop..I've barely scratched the surface of my enmeshed family experience in this comment. Now the real question is, how does an affected person overcome the effects of enmeshment, can they do it without going to therapy?

[@pinky1494]

Really resonate with this. In my family, it was pretty much just me and my single mom, who is very controlling and fragile when it comes to actually opening up and being vulnerable. She has suffered from eating disorders since she was 13. I know that she had an enmeshed upbringing, so it all makes sense now. She is also religious, and I am in a position where I am pretty sure I'll never be able to tell her that I have differing views because she would just be enraged at the same time as crushed. There was also some parentification that I went through because she has a condition (undiagnosed) that causes her to act completely out of it and loopy in the late afternoon/evening. So, I would help her get to bed and make sure she didn't destroy things or fall asleep on the toilet or something. Yes, repressed rage is a good way to put it.

[@vlommer]

Are you me?? Wow basically everything you said ive experienced. Here’s to hoping we’ll learn to grow!

[@Drewgonsalvesacro]

Ive actually never heard of this before, i was first introed to the concept of enmeshment by Joe Ryan podcast found on spotify, whos selfparenting episode was initially what drew me. Then I discovered this on spotify and wow. My situation is currently so painful! And this feels like a massive connection and lifesaver! I come from a very very emotionally damaged family where my circumstances are too fucked up to even describe here. But this has helped me apply meanings and words to these circumstances. Thank you so much! I will be listening to more episodes for sure, donating, and leaving good ratings.

[@entrotlek]

God, you're basically describing my life. I went from foster care to an abusive alcoholic father who ended up leaving me in the care of a severely enmeshed family who were extremely judgmental and critical and emotionally abusive. At 12 i was left to take care of their disabled mother who needed care around the clock. It made focusing in school, sleep, and any kind of normal social life non existent. If I failed to keep her house clean enough or showed displeasure when serving her children when they came over multiple times a week then I'd get shunned and talked about like I wasn't there. That thing you said about living with your family in your head stopping attempts at disengagement is an every day thing for me. I am 31 now and I've been left feeling very lonely yet afraid of close relationships. The older I get, the more obvious the more I am becoming aware of my deficits in just about every aspect of my life. Even typing this out I have this irrational fear of one of my family members seeing this. I made the mistake of mentioning that I started seeing a counselor around one of my aunts and now she the rest of my family know. I saw her a couple of months ago for a family get together and she made a point to tell me in front of everyone that it was ok that I was crazy...It really hurts, thanks to whoever read this.

[@emeraldpilgrimfireuma]

The "Requirement for Frequent Communication." I know an extended family that calls that requirement, "report filings." I know a man in his late sixties who had a gift for writing. His mother disallowed it. She was also the top point of the triangle that was his marriage. Tragic, decades long train wreck. Some countries, an entire country could be enmeshed! A police state, the thought police.

[@rishaa682]

cause how can you be close with someone if you control them and thus dont know who they are? (in the case of enmeshed families)

[@saiikik2727]

The role of scapegoat is assigned to them whether they "fit" the part or not. The scapegoat casting comes from the authority figure not dealing with their troubles in an appropriate way and take it out on others. Same as one being assigned the golden child. They don't necessarily always fit their given roles, which could change depending on the family dynamic. Maybe self fulfillment prophecy plays a part but it's more the associations that the person built who is seeing others as such and it's influencing how they treat others. We give roles to people in our lives. If a child is rebelling in a typical way they may have given in to the role but there are also many others that don't "volunteer" for that role.

[@lillieemery]

At 20 minutes in my heart broke and I think I might decide to live under my dest for the rest of my life to spare my children from what I am doing that I dont even know I am doing. *deep breath*

[@lillieemery]

It was actually really helpful and very interesting, despite my worst fears being confirmed lol

[@anz10]

It means you have a chance to change things!

[@aprilrotelli]

So interesting. I love how you explain things. I’m from a very disengaged family and have theories that other family members of mine are in enmeshed families. Would love to hear a podcast more on the disengaged family.

[@anz10]

I would much rather be part of disengaged family any day of the week. It would allow me to at least get away from it, yes it would hurt but getting away would be a lot easier.

[@lauragomez5986]

Can there be enmeshment for some family members and distance for others? Can you also discuss trauma bond between family members and how enmeshment has to do with this?

[@TMTgirl]

Omg, I was just learning about this in-depth. Other terms I've found to be similar are: emotional incest, parentified child. Maybe I'm wrong, but I believe they are similar topics. All my love to everyone struggling with this kind of family history.

[@rishaa682]

i wouldnt say scapegoats "volunteer" i know some scapegoats who were scapegoats from birth onwards and scapegoated for things that are normal/not bad. such as not latching on for breast feeding as an infant

[@rishaa682]

my whole childhood was rigid parentification

[@racewiththefalcons1]

You guys should check out some Ingmar Bergman films. A lot to process with those, especially Persona.

[@alexandrapresley2261]

Is it explicit and implicit? I gotta know!

[@orlafennelly7112]

Have you seen the plathville family tlc documentary? The mother controls her kids to an extreme level. She isolates then to the highest degree. Sounds like enmeshed to me.

[@rishaa682]

these questions are great

[@Walklikeaduck111]

Indian families are mostly enmeshed

[@mimi42428]

Thanks for this.