Autism and Attachment Theory - Are you Anxious or Avoidant? | Patrons Choice

[@Katy-sh3ru]

I do both things. Depending on the situation. 😕 If the person pulls away, I get anxious. If they get too close and don't respect my boundaries, I try to get away.

[@serversurfer6169]

I’m anxious until it becomes clear that it’s not working, and then I resort to avoidance. 🤔

[@AurelienCarnoy]

Funny. I feel the other so it feels like they are inside of me. So zero boundaries. I just have to pretend that i don't know what they know and feel. So it feels like a fals note when someone says they are happy when they are sad. It makes me doubt.

[@Wodanaz18]

I can relate to that to a degree. I still consider myself the anxious type. But I guess for me the avoidance is a smokescreen. I pretend to be avoidant in certain situations when really I am miserable and wanting connection. Or I will mimic someone else’s avoidance to try to match them but in reality it could not be farther from the truth.

[@Wodanaz18]

@@AurelienCarnoy Yes zero boundaries for me as well. I also was getting into abusive situations before a lot because someone was close to me and I thought “oh they are close, this must be good, right?” even when I hated it or was not even attracted to someone. I did not actually know where the line was.

[@jenniferreed4889]

Same

[@forthebigwin]

My girlfriend is autistic and she broke up with me a month ago...thank you for all your videos. They're helping me process the heartbreak and understand better. I know she had been feeling overwhelmed for awhile but I didn't know how to be there for her in a way that was supportive and helpful, and it ultimately lead to her distancing herself from me and its all very relevant to what you described here. I miss her and love her dearly, and I just want her to be happy...anyways, thank you again for your videos. Cheers

[@elrincondelcaballeroluna]

Did you live together with your girlfriend. Can you tell us what did trigger her avoidant behavior?

[@christinabrown7308]

Dang Paul. You've got me on the edge of my seat again. Very relatable content.

[@Vardetettvalhelatiden]

Same here. Spot on once again. Oof.

[@Christ_Is_Life10-10]

Is there a choice? I’m avoidant when a situation triggers anxiety. And when I’m anxious I tend to avoid for my own sense of safety.

[@benjaminblack91]

This sounds like avoidant behavior. "Anxious" behavior is when you lean in and start pestering people or stalking them or getting very angry or crying visibly or shouting at them when you become insecure Worth looking into some more of attachment theory if you are curious about why these things are labeled this way.

[@Misuzu4213]

this has described basically all my relationships. They will be extremely anxious about the relationship and then I will withdraw more and more until I'm gone

[@yacnu6532]

This is so weird because I originally looked for a psychologist to work on my attachment style. In the end the psychologist suspected my issues weren’t necessarily because of my attachment style but might be because I’m possibly on the spectrum. In the end, I was officially diagnosed with ASD, and haven’t really looked at the attachment style issue since.

[@ms.chubbyblue]

How can you tell them apart? And identify with one rather than the other in your case?

[@StStStS]

I think you were very lucky with your therapist. I know people who are in therapy for years talking, talking, digging up their past. And missing the key to it all. Good luck to you.

[@Zara19888]

This is interesting. I’ve always thought my bf was avoidant and I never understood his behavior but I genuinely beleive he is Asperger’s. It all makes sense. I have adhd and we are so similar in many ways.

[@ceilishea475]

My boyfriend recommended that I watch your videos. He has Aspergers and really relates to allot of your content. I’m learning to be the best partner I can be. Thank you for what you do! Your channel has been an enormous help!

[@Marie_bun]

This describes me perfectly. Please understand that it can be absolutely terrifying for the anxious person, especially when there’s aspergers involved and also depression which masks emotion and communication and connection further. It’s so hard to step back for a bit myself when I really am convinced he doesn’t care anymore. (Even though that’s never actually the case)

[@heedmydemands]

Yeah me too, I get so freaked out. But I have learned to try to ride it out when my partner is being avoidant

[@LineLi225]

I'm an aspie girl with extremely anxious tendencies, and I just lost someone I loved a lot, a girl that is of the avoidant type. I was too clingy and jealous and obsessive over her, while she was too distant, closed and annoyed easily. She left me suddenly after 4 months in a "break up-get back together" thing, blocked me in all social medias and called me toxic and abusive.... I'm heart broken, I always had good intentions, wanting to help her and make her happy, but also being too insecure about her love towards me, but nothing could save it, and now this video and other videos of the channel are helping me notice huge key aspects that caused out relationship to crumble. Trying to learn now with my mistakes, as I've also ruined many past relationships and friendships but was too stubborn. So I'm still trying to accept that it wasn't only my fault, and that I did my best without feeling guilty. Thank you for the videos, and keep up the good work.

[@ltkritzinger]

Sorry for what you went through... I have a provisional diagnosis and I tend to have an anxious attachment style, ditto jealousy & possessiveness (I hate feeling that way, it's hard work not to). My husband tends to have avoidant style. I'm starting to wonder if he is on the spectrum too.

[@LineLi225]

@@ltkritzinger thanks, Im still trying to get better at it, specially with my selfishness and obsessive way, gotta keep trying

[@Moreofthatminecraft]

That’s rough girl. Take it easy on yourself if you can.

[@Hippowdon121]

I've gone through the same thing but I'm a boy. Me too about everything, but she was actually really really toxic herself. It's really hard but I don't think it was just your fault either, and not just ''too insecure'', as you say, nothing could save it. It sucks to be anxious type, but it's just a result of things you couldn't control (which also sucks). Let's keep moving towards secure.

[@LineLi225]

@@Hippowdon121 True, it has been over a year that we broke up, and it turns out she was actually very abusive, so in the end i'm much better now away from her. But not knowing what to do or who's fault it is truly sucks

[@miguelzeballos4269]

Paul, first of all thank you so much for all of these videos, i made a new friend last year and he has Asperger's syndrome, he is such an incredible soul and a very loving guy but he is prone to get depressed a lot... and i always wanted to hear not JUST from an "expert" but from another person like him, how it really is, so i can truly understand him and help him and be a better friend for him! I showed him your channel recently and he seems very enthusiastic about comprehending himself

[@Jessicahurst1]

Miguel Zeballos You are a gift of a friend

[@trishapotter3118]

Your an amazing 🤩 person

[@fraugrantig5250]

I am diagnosed female aspergers myself. I know both from myself. Communication is everything. Without communication about stuff like that it leads to a desaster.

[@silvereye9327]

As an Aspie, I think I’ve experienced both the anxious and avoidant attachment theory, especially with the former in a recent situation. I’ve made some people on Discord uncomfortable with my strong attachment to them and my strong desire to hang out around them often. As a result, they wanted more space from me, which presented a problem as like other autistic people I struggled with understanding personal space. My desire to be with those people resulted in me looking for any opportunity to join them, which made them uncomfortable as well. The moment a space in a voice chat was available, I would join. They said it was like stalking the voice call, and it resulted in me getting kicked from the server. I was so devastated and ashamed of myself for my actions that I desired to improve my behavior so that such a thing never happened again. So I began looking for resources to help autistic people like me learn more about these things, and I eventually came across your channel. I’m so glad you exist, so that your videos can help me learn more about myself and how to improve myself.

[@angelaking9619]

Hope you're doing ok. In my humble opinion and experience, learning about interpersonal dynamics, communication skills, self-managing etc can be life-changing.

[@freerideziege6047]

OMG. I made this mistakeover 10 years with my father. I stuck with him and his problems and was not able to leave. I had to go through 3 year period of hating and beating myself up mentaly till i developed a "voice" inside me that is like a good friend who takes care of me. (feels a little bit schizophrenic but it helped/helps) Now, since I got my Autism-diagnose (I am 38 now), things get better and I can start to rethink those relationships in a more calm way. Thanks for the mental backup of my understanding what I am going through! Appreciate your honesty and your videos a lot.

[@francesdumaliang6132]

Thank you so very much - this has shed a lot of light in understanding my Aspie boyfriend. I am so much more aware and it has comforted me greatly. This will give me tools to strengthen my relationship with my boyfriend and avoid potential pitfalls.😊❤️

[@jbishop_aries3039]

My response is almost always an avoidant attachment, from what you broke down. I do not lean in. I focus my efforts on rebelling, which I hate that I do.

[@soupstoreclothing]

I actually experience both of these types of attachment and am very rarely in the middle. I think this is another example of the "black and white" model of thinking in autistic people and I have a hard time being objective about it even if I'm aware I'm doing it. I often am unable to understand the value of the middle ground and am much more likely to engage in polarized thinking that often alienates me from other people. I'm either totally on or totally off with someone and I think that makes me come off as too "intense." I wish I could change the way I think, but even in the moment when it's happening I find it very difficult to understand Why someone would act differently than the way I am acting. I think that too is also an issue autistic people have of not being able to look at behavior or a situation from another viewpoint.

[@anne-mari]

This explains so much. I'm autistic woman with anxious attachment style and I've been dating very avoidant autistic man. After watching this, I hope I'll manage to control my own reactions more wisely now

[@banana01ready]

First two relationships I was all in on the pull them in theory. It ended in a really bad way both times. Now I am avoidant to friends, family and partners. I start relationships that are great for both of us then I just up and pull completely out seemingly for no reason very early on. I was diagnosed at a few years old. I have been in and out of hospitalization throughout my life.

[@Secret_Soul_Survivor]

I was raised with plenty of family members around but no-one to rely on, turn to in times of trouble or a shoulder to cry on so I've developed an Avoidant Attachment style. My son, who also has ASD, only has me, no other family members, we have no friends (he has some online friends) and no support network so I can see how he's developed an Anxious Attachment style and gets very clingy. I look back and see from the few relationships I've had (despite being 57) that I've usually attracted anxious codependent males who do anything and everything to try and manipulate me into being dependent on them to 'keep me' which in turn makes me pull away or run away! Thank you so much Paul for these videos. I love how organised you are and stay on topic, I just accidentally clicked on another video with a similar name and he was holding his camera and moving around the house and starting the topic but being distracted by various things in the house ( I do GET that) and going off tangent - I was going to give him a chance and watch the video but couldn't take anymore😩😂

[@Sky-Child]

Another excellent video Paul :) I am anxious and then avoidant. My partner is avoidant. We are both aspies. I am working on my own stability and security just now so that I am less clingy and fearful. It's hard work!

[@joycebrewer4150]

Agree. I was an anxious, clingy child and young adult. Who avoided friendships beyond family. It was decades before I branched out more in who I was friends with .

[@edallloway8351]

My mother was an undiagnosed avoidant Aspie. I was an undiagnosed anxious allistic child. 😬 Notwithstanding, through three decades of confusion and misunderstandings, there were moments of pure magic. There's not much written about understanding relationships with Aspie parents. An idea for a future episode, Paul?

[@ArtemisDeer444]

I have just realized I'm Asperger's, and my parenting of my own children is such a struggle, miscommunication occurs constantly. I'd love more content about parenting, particularly since my eldest two have their own mental health issues. Thank you in advance 🙏

[@mandaloolux9216]

I am rooting for this one too. I think my father had this, I am late diagnosed, and would like to better understand my relationships with my kids.

[@lilosh351]

Am in the same situation with 2 kids, amazing idea that there should follow more about that topic 🤲🏽

[@mecagoennestor]

It's like you're narrating what happened to my last relationship. I was avoidant and had no idea why until I found that I was on the spectrum

[@anta3612]

Even before I suspected my person was an Aspie (I don't know whether he knows I've not known how to bring it up as having uncomfortable conversations are a challenge for him) I understood his need for space. However, the last couple of years he's withdrawn for months at a time and is uncommunicative about what's going on. I presume he must be under some sort of stress but frankly I'm starting to feel that he's withdrawing from the relationship and doesn't know how to tell me (avoids difficult conversations). We've been together several years.

[@anta3612]

Exact same situation with me atm.

[@synappticuser5669]

Paul, you have this uncanny knack of describing me. I wasn't upset at my diagnosis but at some of my very low scores on the tests confirming that I was an Aspie. I am obviously a lifelong "avoidant" type. My question is what makes us like that? How much is Aspie and how much is life experience? Nature v's Nurture? I am a content man, comfortable with no friends, I don't socialise preferring my own company. On a lighter note I have been married to a beautiful extremely intelligent catastrophising pushy "anxious" type for 35 years. I got lucky. I love my kids and my grandchildren to bits. Best Wishes Paul, from McIntyre.

[@qasimimtiaz114]

opposite attracts haha

[@ArtemisDeer444]

As a student of psychology I can tell you that it i's both nature AND nurture..."Nature loads the gun, the environment pulls the trigger".... Genes can turn 'on or off' when the conditions are right.

[@rkozakand]

A good job of presenting the problem. The answer and response to the problem was almost nonexistent.

[@deadsoon]

I'm fearful-avoidant from child abuse, so I wonder how this vid will unfold!

[@SuperLotus]

Yeah. I was just going to make a similar comment. My parents have made my already difficult life harder.

[@DMartinov]

I’m also mostly avoidant because I had to rely mostly on myself and my own company as a child, but at the same time I feel so afraid of losing someone I care about

[@jojozepofthejungle2655]

Same, but now I hug my inner child, and tell myself, "that I am here now and will protect that child"

[@rylsahawneh3662]

Between childhood bereavement and a history of emotional abuse, I tend to be rather avoidant as well. 😕 And I have a tendency to dive straight into especially friendships and family relationships because I crave the connection and then freak out that I’m going to rejected or mistreated again so I pull away and avoid people. It gets really frustrating!

[@lauras6300]

@@rylsahawneh3662 How did you begin to heal the cycle? 💛

[@Astro-Markus]

Wow! I am more a male anxious attachment type. I once was in a relationship in which my partner seemed to be more like an avoidant type. It didn't work out. But there were other reasons, too. In another relationship that was rather damaging for me, I pulled the trigger after a few years and went avoidant completely.

[@jonathanp___________3606]

I got an idea at about 20% of the way through. I've learned a bit about attachment styles in the past, so I've been madly connecting what Paul is saying with the other stuff I've learned. There are actually four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and a back-and-forth combination of anxious and avoidant. Secure attachment style is free of the issues inherent to the other three. While I don't know if it will work, my gut tells me this is how things work. My idea is this: The way to maintain a secure attachment style, includes two parts. 1) to be okay with loosing more than just the connection if I lose the relationship--I'll lose a means of meeting my needs. 2) to be happy with being only partially able to cope without the relationship until I develop the skill to fully cope. 3) In short, I need to be tolerant of the risk of loss. It helps if I'm tolerant of the risk, not just intellectually, but also in actuality. This means being capable of sustaining loss and coming back just as strong--being resilient. Ideally, I'd be capable of coming back even stronger--I'd be antifragile. I think the practice of "failing all the way" helps cultivate antifragility. If you don't "cut your losses," and instead invest in learning, you learn more from your mistakes. Resilience and antifragility both involve loss before the return to normal (and subsequent gain in the case of antifragility). It's still going to be hard. It will still hurt. There's still going to be a time when you're down, but you'll get back up and hopefully even be better for it.

[@skippergin2695]

Mixed Anxious-avoidant is an accepted style and probably more common in those of us who tend to try and adapt to every situation differently. Btw, your bangs. They're floating. It's mesmerizing. I only really noticed because I tend to listen more than watch. As for attachment I found it's better when I maintain my own sense of self and realize that most of the pain is due to me catastrophizing about things. What happens if they leave? Not much unless I make it happen. Then I deconstruct what's going on and figure out an adequate response. (Which is, more or less, what you said.)

[@er6730]

Are you saying that people on the autism spectrum are, by nature, not likely to have a secure attachment? Or are you maybe talking more about actions in a specific situation? Because someone who is securely attached can certainly react to an avoidant with more clingy behaviour, and to an anxiously attached person with more 'escapey' behaviour.

[@piotrpytlinski8446]

Well people with ASD are more sensitive so in turn they would be more likely to develop an insecure attachment style than a neurotypical person. I myself am fearful-avoidant (highly avoidant and anxious) and on the spectrum.

[@smileyface702]

@@piotrpytlinski8446 I'm also fearful- Avoidant (aka disorganised attachment style) and I'm not on the spectrum/neurotypical. Your comment makes sense that it would be more rare to find a securely attached autistic person

[@Wodanaz18]

I am so glad that you did a video on this involving autism! It is so important. I think it is essential to understand what type of attachment styles both parties are before getting into a relationship at all. Even for neurotypicals. This single factor alone can be the difference between a great relationship or its demise. I am a bit of an unusual high functioning autistic in some ways, but I tend to definitely have the anxious attachment style. I seem to find people who are the opposite. Believe it or not I even used to have an aversion towards the word itself, I spent an inordinate amount of time not willing to admit to someone that I have an “anxious” attachment style. Because both myself and others I speak to tend to know what it is. “But I am not anxious around them. Now they will think I am insecure.” I will say it does not necessarily mean that at all. Because both anxious and avoidant types can get to unhealthy levels.

[@justsomeguy-yd3yw]

Hey Paul. Keep up the good work! Edit: Turns out I'm an anxious attachment style type of guy. When my significant other and I disagree, all I want to do is spend time with her. Very much the same exact reasons you listed in your video. Thanks for creating content

[@DenkyManner]

I've had both reactions to the same person at different times in the relationship. At first it was pulling in but then once i realised it couldn't be saved I pushed them away. On their side i felt it was only pushing away. I don't know that any of this is especially to do with autism. This is a human thing. There is a temptation to view every problem as an Asperger's thing.

[@orfydorf]

There you are, Hope you're well.

[@patrickmcdonough7008]

Developing security within ourselves-key insight--Know Thyself--know thy patterns. Excellent video.

[@lYl93]

I’m avoidant delux. Towards most things.

[@usagiroxie]

I just did both. I'm extremely anxious, but more of the avoidant type. I reached out as a last ditch effort to see if I could get him to talk to me about why the sudden change and/or how they felt. I told this guy how stressed I felt. Still no dice. And mind you I've had to reassure this guy a few times before as he freaked out in a clingy/controlling way. He's stressed me out a lot since we started talking and seeing each other, but I still liked him. I ended up cutting all contact with him cold turkey as I usually do when things like that happen. It's a quick fix to the extreme emotions I'm feeling even if I will still think about it some more afterwards. The anxiety just won't be as overwhelming and eventually it will go away. I'm aware it's not healthy at all, but I'm at a loss when the other is unresponsive to direct and plain speech/questions. There's not much else I can think of doing. It does take two after all. Thanks for your insight, Paul. Maybe next time I can do better. :)

[@elrincondelcaballeroluna]

My avoidant was a foreign friend who freaked out when she arrived to my country to visit and stayed with me temporarily. She left a few days after. I tried to reach her but she does not answer. Do you think she will be reaching me in the future?

[@redfonzie21]

Wow, mate! I feel like I have learned a lot in the last 17 minutes! I can definitely see over the course of SEVERAL relationships - including with my ex-wife I was married to twice - places where I identify with both anxious and avoidant type behavior. I can also see how each has affected me in back to back opposite ways, or maybe how I have reacted in opposite ways in back to back relationships. This has been a real eye-opener for me and I would LOVE to hear more on this and other Aspie-NT relationships.

[@jferrell7447]

Thank you for this great video! A good book that is all about attachment theory- Attached. It says a lot of relationships are anxious & avoidant pairing. Then what we can do on each side to become more of the third type - secure. Just like what Paul is saying here.

[@chaosandduality931]

Okay so first, great video like always. Thank you for always sharing your knowledge. It has helped me a lot. What should I do if I'm female and have the tendency to go from being very present in the persons life to being "offline"? People tend to expect me to be very present all the time and I can't do that. I love my solitude. Being alone doesn't make me feel lonely. That creates a lot of lack of trust in me. When the other person shows distrust I just say goodbye because disappointment makes all my emotions for the individual dry out. How do I explain to people (in a way they can understand) that I'm just like this? How do I get better at being less closed up?

[@Sarteth]

I am most definitely an Anxious type. Been through a lot of break ups with Avoidants and it leaves me to pick up pieces.

[@NidusFormicarum]

You are talking about taking a step back versus wanting to spend more time together, be more close etc. I need both and more often than not I need both simultaniously.

[@delphinebez3045]

I was reflecting on how these pulling/pushing waves ARE powerful. Even conscious, you are but the observer of an immensely powerful tide that nothing can contain. Being able to really experience this over the years, I would like to extend my deepest thoughts, and compassion to those who've tried to cope with our drama, and survived it. I actually apologised, years later, for having been so inconsiderate. I meant it. Just wasn't aware yet, it was autism I was apologising for... I am glad I was able to, even if I never received an answer. That, is quite something. The search for redemption can really go deep, once you start seeing things from someone else's perspective. The intensity we carry is not only painful for ourselves. We also hurt people.

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

This is THE most important thing for us to learn how to manage. PS / Don’t assume the relationship is lop sided bc the person is with a NT. ~ Chances are - the partner is ASPI , too . Once you understand that - things will make a lot more sense: Put it this way - do you think an extremely particular person is going to willingly adapt to your universe ??? - Do you think dB extremely particular person is going to allow you to change theirs ? You’ve been advised .. 🛋

[@jonkortgejr74]

I have watched this video 5 times so far. What a great perspective on these issues many of us struggle with.

[@delicrux]

I had a situation where one led to the other. I saw myself getting attached let the other person know i was trying not to be that way. They pulled away and i immediately switched to try reconnecting. I dont know if this is autism or bpd or both. Thank you for this video it is helping me try to get a hold on this.

[@ravendelafleur1400]

Maybe fearful avoidant??

[@DOOM70670]

This video is a perfect example of why i think everyone should watch these types of videos. Not just for understanding neurodivergent people but for helping themselves and their neurotypical relationships. This stuff is important for us, but i think it can also be extremely helpful for them

[@alysfreeman11]

I’m defo avoidant, anyone who starts impinging on my time, over calling, texting etc…ends up with me feeling boxed in I go further the other way and begin really avoiding them to the point of blocking, changing routine incase I run into them. I can’t bear clingy needy people who are emotional about it. Hence I love being on my own, nothing wrong with that, life is calmer. I have acquaintances but not deep connections.

[@elrincondelcaballeroluna]

Hola, are you an avoidant with autism or ADHD? In that case, is it for you possible to have a romantic relationship or you totally discarded the idea? I'm telling you this because a friend of mine I've been talking online for a few months came to visit me from abroad and the the fact of spending time together at my place and give them some rules freaked her out so she had to stay somewhere else and went back home. And I'm pretty sure she is autistic.

[@MissBliss818]

I have anxious attachments in relationships but I have avoidant style in everyday life, and with potential/new acquaintances - I am an aspie with avoidant personality disorder.

[@elrincondelcaballeroluna]

As an aspi is it possible to live with a partner or friend? And if you run away from a friendship or relationship do you come back eventually?

[@ninagh6459]

Dear Paul, I just discovered your KZbin channel and it is absolutely ground breaking! I wanted to ask if you have any thoughts on making a video on Aspies with PTSD and coping mechanisms? I do hope so. Thank you so much for your amazing videos! Sincerely, Nina G

[@Nobody-hc1rw]

My psychiatrist ensured me i'm on the ASD spectrum but i have yet to be diagnosed formally (6 months waiting list ugh), and thinking about it my ex was definitely on the ASD spectrum (and already has had trauma related therapy). I recognize all the signs and tips now. Her need for Yoga and breathing exercises, usage of essential oils, her tip towards me to use ear plugs when i go to bed, her remark "we speak the same love language". I've had a relationship with her for 3 months without knowing she's (and possibly me) on the spectrum. She most definitely realized i was, i think. I screwed up big time :( Due to traumatic experiences as a child and some very bad breakups i developed an anxious attachment style, and she definitely had more of a avoidant attachment style. She even warned me i was fixating on her too much, which was true. The more she pulled away, the needier i became. I tried to follow her advice and slow down a bit, but it was not enough and she ended the relationship a couple of months ago. I still miss her a lot. I also love bombed her (with no evil intentions i must add), whilst not knowing what that encompassed at the time, found out recently that it's actually toxic. My fear of abandonment was/is so great that i showered her with compliments and love to overcompensate, yet i meant every single thing i said to her, she's a great and sweet person even though she decided to let me go. I have no intentions to jump in another relationship before i have a diagnosis and counceling/therapy. I was very close to peg myself as a covert narcissist because every article i read about love bombing suggests that the person doing it is very likely / in most cases a narcissist looking to manipulate. That was so fightening to read and come to that conclusion because everything except the malignant parts (manipulation, exaggerated/inflated sense of self, abusing people) seemed to fit. On second thought that can't be true in my case i think, never once have i thought about weaponizing the love i gave her, and i genuinly enjoy helping other people without expecting anything in return, although i do appreciate it a lot when someone helps me at times when i need it. Thanks for this video, i can sleep somewhat more comfortably now.

[@evanwilliamson3602]

I get this over-attachment with everything. I’ve literally reduced most of my attachments (especially material things) and lead a more minimalist lifestyle. However, my relationship brings me a lot of pain due to this over-attached style. Really painful. Thanks for your video dude.

[@murtazaarif6507]

I never had a romantic relationship. My attachments have been with male father figures and a famous role model since childhood. My life changed and I became more introverted when my famous role model passed away. I think I have undergone both types of attachments. They trigger deep emotions and hurt me when the other person stops communicating or doesn't give me what I need. As a result I find it hard to trust people. Russ Harris in his book 'The Happiness Trap' also says a similar thing about this. He says when we worry we either obey the negative things that our unconscious mind tells us or we struggle and find ways of coping with it such as by developing certain habits. He teaches us how to unhook these negative thoughts. I also find praying and sound meditation helpful. The next books in line to read are Alex Korb's 'The Upward Spiral'. Thank you for recommending these books, they really help.

[@mwilliamson4198]

hmmm...yeah interesting and useful for sure. Not wanting to sound trite but the solution is true self-love, which deepens more and more as we really own our own feelings, honour our true needs and withdraw our projections. Then the answer is simply to practice loving...and that's it. If the other person truly reciprocates - wants to be loved, receives your love and truly loves you in return then it will work. If they don't the relationship changes into another form. But all along there's just you loving...be love, do love, receive love, in each moment.... that's the "secret" i endeavour to practice

[@TechieSewing]

I hoped you'd get into the development of an attachment style, as if, can a child with ADHD and/or Autism form a secure attachment? I've skimmed the comments, it's a mix of insecure attachments with more Fearful Avoidant ones (me too, I think) than in the general population (some 2-3%). But it was still really useful. That formula 'you loved me in the past, so you probably love me today still' feels very calming to my anxious side, as that fear of betrayal/abandonment is one of what they call 'core wounds'.

[@mslissa5793]

This is an excellent video and completely accurate in my situation. It's funny as I have never been the anxious one in past relationships, but the avoidant one. But I have learned that anytime he needs is also essential for me roles could very much reverse

[@Dargyful]

You have so much insight. So helpful to many with Autism as well as NT partners.

[@murielbilly4296]

Thank you for your video because I always thought that, being an aspie makes relationships impossible, I am very avoiding, I need a lot of time alone, which includes no phone calls or messages . And then I hear you and read the other responses. I'm 53, it's time for me to change my point of view. Thank you for opening that door.

[@fieryhellkitten]

Two married ASDs here. I’m clingy and my husband is distant. It’s been a wild ride, but we have worked thru it.

[@adammcinnes5615]

I have a fearful/disorganized/anxious-avoidant attachment style combined with a lot of "nice guy" tendancies, and I just recently heard about the concept of autistic attachment style. I have been trying to find resources on how to move from the fearful attachment to secure attachment style, but everything that I am finding is for neurotypicals and doesn't have anything to help autistic people with this transition and managing what are other maladaptive survival strategies that have been very adaptive in autism to manage the behaviours that we are masking that are otherwise leading to alienation and social isolation.

[@jenniferblender8891]

My poor NT partner... I definitely do both. Before looking into the very likely possibility of myself being on the spectrum, I had already decided that the Anxious Avoidant attachment style fit me the most closely, due largely to a LOT of life-long trauma. I have set a shameful personal record by breaking up with my poor partner THREE TIMES in just one day. I can't believe he still sticks around. Poor fella.

[@ellef.4590]

Hi Paul, I fall into the Avoidant category, but I personally think it's a healthy way to be. I've been practicing mindful meditation and several Eastern philosophies including non-attachment theory. When I was younger than you I was anxious and clingy and got hurt A LOT. During and since my marriage I'm more of the mindset that I don't need a relationship that badly. While things are going great and we're learning about each other, I'm all in. Then as we get to know someone and we realize we're not a great match, I'm willing to take a step back now and say to myself that I have to be real to myself. It seems that I may have an attraction to what at first looks like quirky, fun personalities but then ends up that I'm dating someone ASD or bi-polar with really nasty or sabotoging characteristics that I can't handle or don't feel safe around. If they're not happy with the distance then they need to be real about what kind of relationship they want, and that I can't/won't be part of it. Are you familiar with non-attachment theory? I'm curious what your take on it is.

[@heedmydemands]

@@rainbownebula102 thank you for this explanation

[@heedmydemands]

Now I'm curious about non-attachment theory

[@ckala217]

Hello Paul, LOVE your channel, your insights and open style of presenting are gold 😀 Could you please please please do a piece on the attitude and comment I hear often "Everyone is on the spectrum" or "All kids are on the spectrum" ? 🌞

[@pacielsadboycinefilo]

I definetibly fall in the anxious side. Tho through my day to day life I stay detached from most people, when I'm in a relationship my partner becomes almost a necesity to me, is horrible because I feel I devalue what the other person feels and when things don't go well I try to keep the relationship going for so much more time than they should which tipically makes them feel threatened and unsafe around me. I never want to make them any harm or anything, quite the oposite, but I do recognize I'm a very inmature person and I need to work on myself in order to be able to mantain a relationship and myself when things are over. I still feel the wounds of the last break up very fresh, but I know what I did and now I need to learn from that, maybe in the future things will be better, I'll be a better person :") Thank you for making this video, it trully helped me alot to understand things better :")

[@asher6047]

I’m ADHD and every word here is me

[@rickfoster1688]

I just found your channel and its really hit deep with me... ive always thought there was something wrong with me or I was depressed and all this just makes so much sense now... I just wish I could have found this years ago and maybe my ex and I could have figured things out. I was never properly there for her and I couldn't figure out why I was the way I was

[@rabarberellum1017]

Your advice to reassure and say I'm just taking a break put a smile on my face: Though I know what you ment it made me think of the serie Friends where one of the couples "are on a break" but interpret differently what is ment by being on a break.

[@reid4510]

Thank you so much for this! I've always been preoccupied anxious attachment but with tons of work have become much more stable. But all these decades I've been attracted to Aspies and yes, they're often avoidant. My current relationship of 2+ years, we're both working hard on this and definitely making progress but it's hard work. Harder than relationships with two NTs? Hard to say...

[@elrincondelcaballeroluna]

How did you manage a relationship with an aspi? Is it possible to live together for both of you?

[@frustraceann]

i think me and my ex boyfriend (best person i've ever bonded with in any way) both being more avoidant (and autistic) really contributed to him leaving me. he got busy and was around less, so i unconsciously distanced, and then suddenly we were speaking once a week and it only makes sense that he left and ghosted me.

[@pb11118]

I love your videos! I don't really ascribe to attachment theory frameworks, I just feel they're really limiting & far more nuanced than that. I connect differently with everyone. HOWEVER in saying that, I have been commonly been labelled as 'avoidant' in any romantic relationships with neurotypical people, particularly males. I am now happily single & feel polyamory within the queer community/ amongst my friendships is best aligned for me. I need a LOT of solitude & that way, white cis NT men, as a novelty-seeking unconventional AuDHD woman, can't put me into a box. YAY!

[@userlooking]

I agree with Christina! I like this direction. So relatable. You're really speaking to me and It's very helpful.

[@DeborahAnnsuperversatile]

In the example story, it was relatable but more for me to the avoidant aspie male because I am a female who is self-diagnosed aspie and usually more towards the avoidant side. My ex was more toward the anxious side. I did not know that at the time.

[@jchow5966]

Great episode! What you are doing is so helpful for the whole world! Thank hou! 🎼☮️

[@gregmcpherson5671]

I watched by daughter and her boyfriend, both aspie, do these things. He got more an more clingy and over-doting... he tried to do everything for her, and got more an more desperate that it wasn't making the relationship better. She has a habit of withdrawing and fearful of such excessive focus. So it killed their relationship. She ended it, to his loud despair.

[@silverriver7866]

Years of my ASD spouse’s dismissive style has caused me (an NT) to move through the anxious style (which didn’t work) into the avoidance mode to protect myself.

[@suigenris]

There is a point where you say, I hope some of that is relevant. I'm not even in an intimate relationship. You're simply breaking down my relationships to everyone. I'm either angrily being drawn from avoidance to attachment, or I'm constantly running from attachment through avoidance. This doesn't resonate it encapsulates the polarities in which I alternate, partly without consent the other dogmatically. The agony that is created when one believes that only one of these extremes is unhealthy.

[@AndiKnittel]

Really good description of the two types.

[@nnylasoR]

Just about SPOT ON. I flip flop between the two styles for sure, depending on the closeness of the relationship. I tend to back off and go mute with those I am the closest to. The vulnerability and ease of being hurt is TOO MUCH. Very eye opening for my marriage. We are both avoidant, but I am also a mix of both. Neither of us had any clue what we were getting into. ha 😅 …. Thank you!!

[@SomethingsoniQ]

This reminds me of my reaction to my ex breaking up with me, 6 years ago and after that I became avoidant and have not had a relationship since. I subconsciously act in ways so the person will reject me early so it doesn't hurt as much.....

[@CitrasFlava]

This is so relatable in that the words you are using are the same exact words I used to describe what I felt. Its like you were there listening to what I was saying and made a video about it.

[@neverendingwars195]

can you do more videos about emotional intelligence, theory of mind or psychological topics? you are amazing at teaching! I want to learn more from you

[@simoneamelia202]

Great video! Both my partner n I are avoidant attachment type, and so after only 3 years we're very distanced from each other (can't seem to reconnect)

[@stevenr5149]

Thanks so much for this and all of your content . I can see and appreciate the thoughtfulness and work you put into this. :)

[@sandrallewellyn3570]

I have had so many autistic burnouts that it is unreal even for an autistics. I worked for 50 years as a registered nurse. Their are 15+ incidents where I left positions by changing hospitals, agencies, states and even countries. It averaged 18months to the exception of 5 years in situations x2, where I was more comfortable plus I could work more on my own. Now at in my eighties I still feel traumatized after 10 years of retirement.

[@Tawroset]

You can be both. Anxious-avoidant or anxious-fearful attachment style, two names for the same thing. AKA disorganized attachment. It's a thing lol.

[@AurelienCarnoy]

Anxious vs avoidant. I see it as a see-saw or polar opposit of 5he same planet. Well, poles switch sometimes. Like wise, roles are switched. I say your lined and you say mine. It is beneficial to see it like that because it is more accurate and no ego is attached

[@verastanding]

I've done both.

[@MNkno]

This is a lovely video, good thoughts and advice with good general/specific balance to put into understanding and action.. It does assume that both people are good people, no narcissistic users or rage-filled abusers where putting avoidant behavior into immediate action can be one of the best reactions.... no, for the sweetest, happiest people to stay together, your suggestions are perfect! Thank you! (I'm avoidant, almost an autopilot reaction, but don't always pick up on the signals that I should have..)

[@carlillingworth88]

I've only been in one relationship and we're both autistic but neither of us knew at the time. I was more of the anxious type and she was more of the avoidant type. But now I have a much more detached attitude when it comes to romance and I'm not really interested in it.

[@charel9399]

I'd like to see a video on how to tell when you can trust. I don't understand people at all. Rather, I know what they are going to do, and how they are going to react, based on experience, but it's not intuitive to me. Willful ignorance appears to be a standard among the neurotypical, and that makes people very unpredictable. I've had the carpet pulled from under me countless times

[@crweirdo8961]

That would definitely be a very helpful video, I hope he makes one.

[@jde9711]

Just what I was looking for. Thanks

[@jessicahanson6105]

I’m bad for getting distant and don’t even try to be most of the time. It’s not like I run them off or anything I just put my guard up and prepare for it so I can’t be as bad hurt after which I think I do this mostly because everybody in my life has mostly left me all but very few and that’s my mom, dad, friends, ect who have left. When I feel like they are gonna leave though I do get a bit to clingy which is probably bad because I just don’t want them to leave but that tends to drive them away still some how. I just suck at this stuff usually but I think this time around things are going good and hopefully stay good.

[@TheNmv2728]

This was so helpful but not sure if my autistic bf is avoidant or anxious. He likes his own space sometimes which sometimes hurts my feelings

[@nefelibata4190]

I'm avoidant for the most part.

[@katekincaid8797]

I would like to know more about your thoughts on being the female aspie with Anxious attachment but end up saying the things you said in the end - never trust again, etc. NT men in my life feel overwhelmed and also obsessed, and the Aspie men, the ones I’ve ended up in deep love with, have always been avoidant, and ended painfully for both sides, as neither side has able to control it, even with the step back. I am an educator and doctoral student working with twice exceptional and invisible disabilities. I would be interested to hear more about your knowledge on late diagnosed females, as the past trauma is a predominant factor in my attachment issues. The depth of masking is, I believe, much deeper with females. Most will not believe my diagnosis. I am seeking resources and information for myself and as an educator and I like the way you articulate things, as you seem highly intelligent and thus, the autism is likely invisible to others for you as well. I have a zoom conversation coming up with a female working on shifting the education system to understanding autism, and if you are interested or have the time, it would be lovely for you to join the conversation. We live in NYC so not sure time zone issues, and it is our first meeting. If you are interested in joining in, I will look for a reply to this comment so we can contact you. I teach at Stuyvesant High School (if you are not familiar, it is the top public school for the gifted, a quick google will explain it as it is high profile and full of famous alumni, and chock full of undiagnosed ND geniuses. If not, your videos will still inform our discussion.

[@hannahmonroe8381]

I'm struggling with this a lot right now and with friends too. Thanks so much.

[@AUTISTICLYCAN]

Avoidance is my survival strategy because, what I actually understand about neurotypical human relationships and the maintenance thereof could fit in a tiny thimble. Relationships can be emotional and cognitive messes disrupting my highly structured autistic life processes like a supernova and or black hole when they blow up. Things that substantially disrupt my ordered autistic life processes could derail my job performance, my ability to structure my home \ financial life and lead to a depression spiral. The emotional and disruptive fall out from a failed relationship is not compartmentalized in a situational containment dome in my systems. A failed relationship can easily contaminate other vital aspects of my autism self management systems making avoiding a failing relationship something I must always avoid at all costs. For me autism self management is a delicate interconnected network of coping systems, evaluation metrics and presentation mechanics. An explosion anywhere in this system disrupts my whole life. If I see a relationship going bad I jettison the relationship like a starship whose warpcore is about to explode. Yes that means I have few relationships. The brittle fragility of my autism self management systems does not let me have many relationships which is just my lot in life. I love the Wolf so I don't need others to be complete.

[@yek636]

I do both of them, sometimes simultaneously. I mean, my mind swings constantly between them, trying to choose the correct approach to the situation. What if I make her go becomes 'what if she goes because I become needy' and it changes into 'if she thinks I'm needy just because I want more connection, maybe she isn't the right person for me'. IT'S REALLY EXHAUSTING. But how do I measure if we have the right amount of connection and I'm not overthinking? I mean, when I want more time with her, who decides if it's OK? It should be us, right? But what if we can't compromise? How should I approach this? And more questions like these are roaming in my mind pretty often.

[@Ruslan.88266]

Wow, that microphone rocks!

[@remon563]

Im on my headphones and thought my audio monitors turned on haha.

[@rickyfreddy6963]

Wow. This is EXACTLY what happened and why my girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. But I am the anxious Aspie and she is an avoidant non-aspie. I am heartbroken right now since it doesn't seem like she wants me back. I tried explaining literally what Paul is saying here without knowing it. But she just wants no more stress. I feel confident that if we work on this like Paul is saying that the stress will reduce significantly. I am out of things to do and just hope that when I give her space she will call me in a few weeks out of her own. I am in doubt if I should send this video to her or leave her alone because this describes our EXACT situation. Life is so hard. 💔😩

[@Art-bk6vv]

Oh man this hits close to home, my heart goes out to you, control them thoughts don't let them control you!

[@jessicapezzula]

This video is great! I wanted to check out the download but I'm too late...