Autism and Anger Management (why do we sometimes explode? or implode?) | Patrons Choice

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Do you sometimes explode over seemingly small things? Why do little things sometimes make us so mad? Anger management is essential to avoid negatively affecting our mental health and relationship with other people.
In this video, I share why anger management is important, what are the possible reasons why we explode over small things, and how can we manage and let go of the anger when we are or just about to explode.
TIMESTAMPS:
00:00 - Introduction
00:58 - Why is anger management important?
04:02 - What is it that fills up my bucket?
04:44 - What are the things that help me empty my bucket?
05:37 - Why do we explode over seemingly very little things?
09:24 - Personal experience of feeling that intense immediate anger
11:12 - What it feels like to implode (instead of exploding) and its effects
13:30 - Personal strategy in managing anger
15:43 - How does a "bucket" of anger and frustration can affect you and the people around you
17:31 - Three areas to help us manage anger
CHANNEL LINKS:
Patreon: / aspergersfromtheinside
Facebook: / aspergersfromtheinside
Twitter: / aspiefrominside
Written Blog: aspergersfromtheinside.com/
More Videos: / aspergersfromtheinside
Email: [e-mail]
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// WELCOME TO ASPERGERS FROM THE INSIDE!!
My name is Paul and I discovered I have Aspergers at age 30.
If you're new you can check out a playlist of some of my most popular videos here: / aspergersfromtheinside
Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this blog, because if I didn't show you, you would never know.
As the name suggests, this channel is devoted to giving you insight into the world of Aspergers.
This blog started off being just my story, but I've learned SO MUCH about my own condition
from meeting others on the Autism Spectrum that now I make sure to feature their stories as well.
I've come a long way in my own personal journey.
Now I'm sharing what I've found so you don't have to learn it the hard way too.
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// WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THIS BLOG
You can expect me to get to the point with concise useful information.
I focus on what is most important and don't shy away from difficult topics.
The best way to learn about Autism is to see it in real life ( i.e. via the stories of many, many people on the spectrum).
In this channel I endeavour to show you what Autism and Aspergers look like in real people and to also give you some insight as to what's happening on the inside.
I upload a new video every weekend with some bonus content thrown in mid-week too.
There's always new stuff coming through so be sure to check back and see what you've missed. (Is this where I'm supposed to tell you to hit that subscribe button?)
Topics Include:
- What is Aspergers/Autism?
- Aspie Tips, coping strategies, and advice on common issues
- Learning Emotional Intelligence (this is my special interest!)
- Autism in real life: stories from special guests
Everything I do is and endeavour to go deeper and take you 'behind the scenes' to understand what may, at first glance, seem 'odd'.
oh, and I love busting stereotypes and turning preconceptions upsidedown :)
-----------------------------------------------
// ABOUT ME
I discovered I have aspergers at the age of thirty.
It has been my life's mission to understand these funny creatures we call humans.
My special interest is a combination of emotional intelligence, psychology, neuroscience, thinking styles, behaviour, and motivation. (I.e. what makes people tick)
My background is in engineering and I see the world in systems to be analysed.
My passion is for taking the incredibly complex, deciphering the pattern, and explaining it very simply.
My philosophy is that blogging is an adventure best shared.
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// EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TRAINING
I also run autism friendly online emotional intelligence training. So if you like my direct, systematic style, and would like to improve your own emotional intelligence skills, check it out here:
emotionsexplained.com.au
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// CONTACT
Blogging is an adventure best shared which means I'd love to hear from you!
Feel free to leave me a comment or send me and email at any time and I'll do my best to respond promptly.
Email: [e-mail]
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy this channel!
I look forward to hearing from you!
Peace,
~Paul

[@leftthatbehind6090]

My mother always tried to paint the picture that I’m “explosive” and have anger issues when she would always say the cruelest things to me when she is angry and taunt me with it. For example she would say “If I knew I was going to have an autistic kid, I would have never had you , fckng cretin” and then she would always go on and taunt me “ bonkers autist 🤪, bonkers autist” Iwhilst aggressively punching her own forehead. She would go on and on and on , I’d still hear if I’d go to another room. I’d scream at her to stop to please stop but she never did , it caused me immense anxiety and panic attacks and later on I did start cursing back at her. After doing that I was just painted as a difficult brat and my mother as a saint.

[@rwithers3]

@ Noof... My wife's mother was that way... very cruel and hateful...my wife struggles with that to this day... even though she's been gone for years...

[@leftthatbehind6090]

@@rwithers3 thanks for sharing , I wish your wife well. It also effects me negatively till this day.

[@rwithers3]

@@leftthatbehind6090 I wish you well...hang in there...

[@Jas-zzz]

Some of us have awful parents. I feel for you. I find myself more prone to not be so easily offended understanding way people might explode now. Sounds like you more was exploding on you for exploding?

[@lucyj8204]

@Noof, you didn't deserve that, and she shouldn't have treated you that way. I notice you've used all past tense verbs, so I hope this was all in the past and you have far better voices in your life now.

[@pedroff_1]

A big issue I have is that when I try expressing what's troubling me, if I feel like the person is dismissing me, ot just fills up my bucket all ober, and makes me lash out at them. While I do feel I "explode" in those cases, I also feel super drained and really bad for having done so, so it still results in me getting hurt, just with hurting others as a freebie

[@unknowntosociety01]

I relate heavily with this, Ill lash out to my family after burning out and feel incredibly guilty right after because its not their fault my brain is not wired properly

[@bobbybologna3029]

Happens to me all the time so I became gradually more reclusive as I got older, I try to precisely express how I feel, what upsets me, and I feel I'm dismissed so I become very resentful towards the people around me.

[@marisa5359]

Yes. Sounds like what me and my husband do to each other all too often. We are both on the spectrum.

[@gracebateman777]

My husband would tell you this can happen with us! I'm NT, he's ND. My helpful advise is to work on adding validation to your communication with the other person, For example: "I can see this is important to you, so it is important to me that I let you discuss it with me, Your feelings are valid/understandable. I do care! HOWEVER I am too stressed right now to give you my full attention/ best responses, I need a time out" The other important point is to arrange when to revisit it when you predict being calmer. For example: "If I've decompressed by tonight/tomorrow I'd like us to talk about it then"

[@christinecrum7934]

This. Exploding outwardly almost hurts more sometimes because of the wave of guilt and self-punishment afterwards.

[@DeniseCummins]

Not feeling heard is a hot button issue for Asperger's individuals, and I think this is why: Aspies process more information at a faster pace than most neurotypicals. That means that the Aspie is usually several steps ahead of the neurotypical when discussing a problem or issue. As a result, what the Aspie is saying makes no sense to the beurotypicall. They're "not there" yet. Sometimes just letting what you've said percolate in the background will cause the neurotypical to stop mid-sentence later on and say, "Wait-were you saying ? Now I see what you meant."

[@er6730]

I wonder if that's more the ADHD that seems to often go along with Asperger's. I have ADHD, and I definitely feel the agony of trying to slow down so that people keep up, or knowing at the beginning of the conversation what they're going to say, but desperately trying to keep from interrupting so that I'm not rude. (not saying I'm smarter than them, as often I miss those small details that can be so important) My husband has (I think) Asperger's, and he's very much a slow processor in almost everything except the things that he's an expert in. He often takes a while for things to sink in. (Again, I'm not saying he's not intelligent, actually he's way smarter than I am, but he's slow.)

[@rebeccamay6420]

Fast internal processing and being a few steps ahead of everyone else who isn't "there" yet... Yes, I've often felt this. And yet, when someone says something, I get a mental processing delay. It will take a moment between hearing it, understanding what was said, and then responding appropriately. For example today: I went somewhere for a specific purpose. The person who attended to my visit said we'll go to Room Four. My mind had to internally repeat Room Four, I said Room Four aloud to acknowledge that i heard the instruction during the processing delay, and then I noticed the large signs bearing enormously printed numbers over the doors, and I needed to recognize which one matched the spoken word Four. I could feel the weight of this mental processing delay, which is why I repeated the instruction aloud.

[@DioHard]

And whenever this issue becomes transparent (not by me stating that I am "further ahead") but usually by answering to quickly and people see that I predicted their point. They get angry and defensive and instantly switch the topic to a matter of me seeing myself as superior somehow.

[@thespecialkid1384]

Personally I don’t feel unheard or that my brain processes things faster. I think my brain is more slow however I process all of the information at once so I can see a bigger picture and it allows to be more logical. However I’m so logical and smart it makes me feel like everyone else is stupid, which is the main cause of my anger.

[@Delhihousingagency]

Your herbs has work wonders in my family. Thanks for the help Dr Oyalo for saving my son from autism spectrum with your herbs. Your herbs is the best.

[@peterthomasdalton1180]

One of my biggest flaws is that I don’t empty my bucket regularly. Unrealistic parental expectations and always ‘being put down’ contributed to my anger bucket exploding.

[@joshuawhite3411]

This is a huge one for me. I haven't been diagnosed yet, but I'm just realizing that I may have aspergers. I have always never really been able to translate my feelings to words and the most I listen to people on KZbin describe what they go through, I'm beginning to realizing that I'm on the spectrum.

[@MsDamosmum]

I feel like a character in a video game where you have those energy bars at the top or bottom of the screen. It’s glows a bright healthy green when your energy bar is full (probably only NT experience this) and fades and fades as you go through the day until it is a pulsating red threat, you need to replenish! Here’s the rub, there’s another bar. The coins collected bar. The bar that allows you to advance in the game. If you take replenishment time you lose coins!! This is very detrimental to your advancement in the game. The energy bar alone won’t help you to complete the level!

[@lovepeace2373]

@@MsDamosmum might be easier to stay at level 2 or so, were the things to do and the energy we have and the way of live we can handle and enjoy , all is manageable, than to strive and struggle for level 8,9,10... were we always have to be overstressed , unhappy and still never good enough. For what? Who says, that level 10 is a better place to be ? Those who think so can go there. And leave more space and calm on levels,1,2,3 for people who are fine with it.

[@MsDamosmum]

@@lovepeace2373 Thank you for your response however the coins bar is representative of ‘having’ to earn a living. You have to earn a living right? Down time is required but costly so you find yourself stuck in the difficult task of trying to sustain the essential coins while not depleting the energy bar to the point of ‘game over’. There are plenty of times I seem to have arrived at ‘game over’ and have to restart the same level again and again. Monotonous to say the least.

[@MsDamosmum]

In what way did your bucket explode? Mine usually implodes. It’s almost always me I harm

[@argusfleibeit1165]

With me, the question is-- "Why do SO MANY things bother me SO MUCH?". I still don't know if I have autism, I went through life being treated for depression and anxiety. When I was a kid I would try to express the things that were bothering me, only to be told that I "was being ridiculous". Like, everybody else can put up with these things, you need to learn to just live with it. Learning in my old age that autistic people can have meltdowns due to sensory input really resonated with me. Now a lot of the episodes in my life that I put down to Bipolar Disorder, I wonder if it was just overwhelming sensory triggering that I didn't know how to control. I have retreated to my house and my cats (thanks, Covid), and now the only thing that gets me is if the house has a maintenance crisis, or the cat puked AGAIN.

[@gravitymike]

I had been diagnosed as bipolar type II twenty years ago. It turns out that this is a common misdiagnosis for ADHD with Asperger's, which I'm finding out now is my correct diagnosis.

[@mariecait]

i’ve been diagnosed with so much crap.. i’m adhd/asd getting the right meds now and allowing myself to unmask and be honest if i’m not in the mood instead of overloading myself

[@videocliplover]

I used to and still get that a lot too. Even though I was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD, they’re still not the whole picture and I think that every sensory communication thing that can’t be explained by those 2 things, are a result of undiagnosed autism.

[@videocliplover]

@@mariecait I did that recently and it felt amazing. Though when I let out whispered thoughts to empty my bucket when walking outside with my boyfriend, some of them that he hears he calls me out on for being too rude. I also recently used a racial descriptor to describe, as an adjective, a person we once passed by on the sidewalk that I thought was really pretty. I said she was the prettiest black person I had ever passed by in the city. He said I was being rascist and I had to spend a fucking hour explaining myself while he kept calling it racist. So now we can’t use descriptors to talk about people that have been oppressed by others? That’s fucking ridiculous. They started out as adjectives before all the issues with it and now I can’t even use it in a compliment. I can’t vent about it on Twitter because the last time I did about a different socialized adjective people fought with me and called me wrong. Sorry about all the venting. Had to get this out.

[@videocliplover]

That reply I wrote hurt more than it helped because I’m so worried someone is going to attack me again for it.

[@truthseeker7899]

I went to a lecture the other day and afterwards struggled to introduce myself to any of the speakers at the networking event, I felt so frustrated that I couldn’t socialise properly and felt like I didn’t belong

[@karlab95]

I use to explode more as a child and teen, but grew into pretty much an imploding kind of person. I really like the metaphor of the grenade you used, because it feels just like that: you do what you can to spare other's feelings and then that resentment just builds up. Overall a really good video. 100/10

[@Delhihousingagency]

Your herbs has work wonders in my family. Thanks for the help Dr Oyalo for saving my son from autism spectrum with your herbs. Your herbs is the best.

[@annehislop2449]

Being invited to the pub to a workmate's leaving do (about 12 people) and me thinking they are being friendly. I get there, they're all sitting around the table, drinks ordered, then they all disappear into other areas of the pub. I'm left sitting on my own, in a busy pub on a Friday night 8 months pregnant with a glass of orange juice in front of me. I left the pub in silent tears whispering to my unborn child "It's okay, Mummy made a mistake" blaming myself for somehow getting it wrong. Later, I realised I wasn't supposed to go, I was only invited so they wouldn't look mean by excluding me, Still hurts.

[@bobbybologna3029]

The world NTs live in is cruel and perplexing.

[@taraswertelecki3786]

@@bobbybologna3029 NT's are cruel more often than not.

[@Karincl7]

​@@taraswertelecki3786 oh please nt people are just people

[@Barvystyk]

​@@Karincl7cruel people 😡

[@pondurosa3792]

I finally feel like I found someone who understands EXACTLY what I go through on a daily basis. I thought I was going insane. Awareness is the first step. Thank you so much

[@Delhihousingagency]

Your herbs has work wonders in my family. Thanks for the help Dr Oyalo for saving my son from autism spectrum with your herbs. Your herbs is the best.

[@rwithers3]

I'm the same way (anger on the inside) maybe that's why so many of us autistics have stomach ailments....

[@trinnyj1451]

Apparently it's common for us to have gastric/intestinal conditions like IBS, Coeliac disease, autoimmune gastritis ..... I've got all of them and got the diagnosis prior to being diagnosed with Aspergers/High Functioning Autism ...... might be worth investigating ....

[@rwithers3]

@@trinnyj1451 yes... regardless of anger management... thanks for the reminder...👍

[@Crouteceleste]

​@@trinnyj1451 I wonder if skin illnesses caused by anxiety are more common for us too ? I usually don't conciously recognize my own deep stress state until it erupts on my foot like little anxiety bubbles haha

[@trinnyj1451]

@@Crouteceleste Anxiety is HUGE for us ... and it exacerbates any conditions or health issues..... I have psoriasis which goes ballistic when I'm anxious/stressed.

[@joycebrewer4150]

@@Crouteceleste during the time my mom was in hospital for cancer surgery, I got the worst case of hives of my life, so I would say yes.

[@Sheka88]

6:10 "(..) it's not always easy to notice our own stress (...), especially if we're living with a significant amount of background anxiety." This line seems so obvious when you say it, yet i'd not realised. Thank you for pointing this out.

[@statickaeder29]

Imploding is how I end up crying at work, and people don't understand, "oh, you don't have to cry" and "we all feel like this" when "yes I do" and "no, you really don't" are the real answers. I try to warn people when I'm reaching a limit, often about talking about "chaos, this is all chaos" in the work place - I work in the back room of a retail establishment, with my BA in Music Theory & Composition and Russian Language, and my words are becoming more and more limited. And crying is more open and aware of my surroundings than shutting down, withdrawing, and practically disassociating.

[@theharmonyofknowledge1286]

What do you do when you try to slowly empty your bucket bit by bit, and the other person doesn't let you do that by interrupting you and saying that you need to get over it? They're slowly pushing you closer to imploding. And you know that by "getting over it", or what it actually is, sweeping it under the rug, you're eventually going to explode, but the other person just won't let you slowly empty your bucket, so what are you supposed to do?

[@arasharfa]

if I know I have to tell someone i know something that runs the risk of being read as criticism i first make sure the other person agrees that relationships build on mutual care for each others needs. if i'm in a more superficial friendship where the other person does not want to share certain problems, it's an indicator I am not expected to share the same amount of problems with them, and lets me keep that friendship on a more superficial level. sometimes that feels like rejection, but I try to reframe it as looking to their needs. If I need more support I tend to go to a different person I have a greater exchange with.

[@anhaicapitomaking8102]

They don't deserve your attention

[@Stfguac]

@@anhaicapitomaking8102 see that's actually not very helpful because whenever you get into a negative situation, you're slowly removing people from your life. And we can't afford to not be part of society, we need it to live. And society is made of people who are bad of us. It doesn't mean we have to keep them close, but we do have to find ways to manage them and the negative effects they have on us

[@Delhihousingagency]

Your herbs has work wonders in my family. Thanks for the help Dr Oyalo for saving my son from autism spectrum with your herbs. Your herbs is the best.

[@jonmars9559]

Good questions. As I struggle to come to terms with both ASD and CPTSD, emotional regulations is extremely difficult to manage. It causes great difficulties in establishing and maintaining relationships. The tension and rage that builds up inside me I try to mask or suppress but internalizing anger wreaks havoc internally. Expressing rage outwardly doesn't serve well either. displays of anger rarely aids in making friends.

[@curucach5366]

I too have ASD and CPTSD. I like to lift weights and let all my anger out that way. I do it at home in my own private space so no one else is effected. I workout with aggressive music to help me release any frustration or anger I'm feeling and for me the endorphin rush after exercise leaves me calm and collected. I also meditate daily to ensure that any negative thoughts I have can't get a hold of me. Talking with a professional can help too. You need to express yourself, it just needs to be done in a healthy manner and in a safe space.

[@mrsolodolo5770]

I have same thing been diagnosed CPTSD and score 30 on AQ. Unfortunately my gf of 14 yrs experiences most of my meltdowns (in one now) and she tries to comfort me and help but my internal implosions become external explosions of uncontrollable emotion. I just worry it's got worse as ive got older and i will end up cutting everyone out of my life even my gf who ive been with since 16. It hurts and makes me fantasise about death but i know anything i do had impacts on others through own experience of my mum taking her life when i was a young boy. Sorry to rant

[@jonmars9559]

@@mrsolodolo5770 I think it does get worse as we get older because it's progressive when it's unresolved. Be careful not to alienate your girlfriend, the great empty void of loneliness is very difficult to live with. ASD has it's challenges but my ASD days are my good days. CPTSD is the agony that wont let go. In my opinion, just my opinion, ASD+CPTSD results in traits bearing a striking resemblance to BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. I personally am trying to manage my CPTSD through the lens of BPD. Many of the tools that aid in BPD seem applicable to managing CPTSD. In any case, daily practices are essential in healing. Your mother taking her own life may be an indication you and her struggle with some of the same condition. My mother took her life in her later years and looking back it seems obvious to me now what she struggled with. It's serious, very serious. Your girlfriend trying to comfort you may illicit childhood responses of inconsolability and disorganized attachment. ASD+CPTSD act together to tie you in knots. The only escape I find is to get outside myself when feelings of inconsolable emptiness get hold of me. If you have someone that's trying to help, don't alienate them. It's not their fault, they don't know what you need. The ASD in you might need some space to work out the extreme feelings. Let her know gently and try to explain it isn't her. I've avoided drugs and chosen diet, exercise and mindfulness as the path to remission. There's more to it than that, obviously, but that's the foundation I work by. It takes time and discipline. Yes, there can be times of remission when the bright side of ASD is the reward for all the effort. Hang in there.

[@mrsolodolo5770]

@@jonmars9559 Thank you for your response. It is helpful to hear from someone with similar experiences. I too prefer the approach of diet and mindfullness, although my family pursuaded me to use drugs and therapy of many kinds, it hasn't worked. I will continue but I just dispair at the thought of my future. Thanks again

[@isimonsez]

@@curucach5366 it’s interesting that you say you didn’t lift weights in the gym, is there a reason for that? I have a friend who is in a similar situation and refuses to go to the gym, but I’ve tried to encourage him to do some type of weight lifting

[@Crouteceleste]

I live with my sister and we are both autistic. We have a lot of issues when we try to talk to each other about grievances. It often ends in shouting matches with sometimes objects being destroyed or tears of rage because we apparently push each other's buttons until we both explode. I think a lot of this comes from the fact that there are remnants of the siblings "hierarchy" between older/younger sisters. Also a big part of this I think comes from lingering hurts and insecurities from being raised with abuse in our family. I found out that if there is no lingering injustice (like a task she pushed back weeks or months like a pile of trash bags she didn't evacuate or dirty dishes she didn't do, which causes me severe anxiety and is the most common topic of our fights), I can usually calm down if she stops interacting with me and goes away. Simply saying "I can't deal with what you're saying right now, please stop overwhelming/triggering me now because I will surely explode" is not a solution for us. It was very hard to make her understand that that was NOT an excuse for me to "win" the fight or avoiding it, just to avoid burning myself so hot I start to destroy things instead of hurting her. The issue is, she is very lazy (though I know most of it is because of anxiety and executive function disorder, like me). I do try to remind her as little as possible that I need her to do the task, because it gives her more anxiety and makes her even less likely to do the task. Which, in turn, both angers me that I still have to remind her to do her chores (we're both around 30), and stresses me out A LOT until she finally does the task. It's a vicious circle :/

[@musicteacher5757]

I was blessed with an abusive mother. To survive I had to control my anger. But my controls are too powerful and too broad - I don't express anger when I should and get bullied. When I'm very angry I shut down* because most of my "spoons" are used up on bottling up my anger. *Shutting down is mostly isolation to avoid more triggers.

[@Delhihousingagency]

Your herbs has work wonders in my family. Thanks for the help Dr Oyalo for saving my son from autism spectrum with your herbs. Your herbs is the best.

[@isabellev.7227]

I totally empathise with anger issues, I have been known to take it on various objects in the house. Now, I am trying to do the following, knowing running is my mehod to empty my bucket, I go on regular runs so that my bucket remains quite manageable. What it means is that as soon as something triggers me, the bucket does not overflow. We all need to find what works for each one of us.

[@joycebrewer4150]

Sounds familiar. Back when I was a teenager, I found myself in a lot of arguments with my dad. Once, when my anger built to explosion level, I wanted to give him a hard kick. Instead, I turned around, and gave the door behind me that kick! I was so surprised when my foot went right Through the door! My foot had landed where there was an especially thin decorative panel set into the door as into a frame. My kick broke the panel. I had never noticed the door was not all one piece. I forgot my anger in finding the structure of the door wasn't what I thought. I was proud of myself at the time that I chose hurting property over person. My toe did hurt, but thanks to how easily the panel broke, it wasn't injured by venting that way. I had to help put the door back together. It never looked right again, but was functional.

[@Delhihousingagency]

Your herbs has work wonders in my family. Thanks for the help Dr Oyalo for saving my son from autism spectrum with your herbs. Your herbs is the best.

[@trinnyj1451]

This resonates so strongly with me that I'm crying ......... thank you for explaining these complex concepts so beautifully.

[@vincentconnell1283]

This has really been the story of my life. I'm 69 years of age and i still have trouble sensing when im ready to explode until it's too late. It doesn't happen as often but it still does.

[@autodogdact3313]

63 years old here and it's the same for me. I have fewer explosions, but more anxiety.

[@trinnyj1451]

I'm 62, diagnosed just last year. Fully understand the 'story of my life' thing. So many lost years. At least we now understand causation and how to manage frustration-aggression-exploding or imploding. It may still happen occasionally but, for me, knowing why at least makes it bearable and/or easier to forgive. It's been an exhausting life! At least I can make some sense of it now:)

[@autodogdact3313]

@@trinnyj1451 I totally agree. I was just diagnosed last year. I wish my parents could have known when I was young.

[@trinnyj1451]

@@autodogdact3313 Hardly anyone knew, at least when I was young. And then it was seen as an issue mainly with boys/men and not for girls/women. Thankfully, that has changed. Day to day life remains challenging, however ..........

[@thegeobus1]

48, and same.

[@macronencer]

My biggest bucket-filler is the feeling of being trapped. I hate feeling unable to change a situation. I've just moved from a small flat in a busy urban area to a remote farmhouse, and that's helped me a lot with finding peace and quiet, obviously - but before I managed to organise the move I had a new neighbour upstairs for a couple of months who hardly ever seemed to sleep and made constant noises. I ended up flying into a rage and shouting and banging on the ceiling - I couldn't control my anger at all, and I think it was because I felt there was no way to take myself out of the situation.

[@helenayamez]

I really hope you're enjoying the peace and quiet and feeling of space in your new place. I have lived in flats too, had issues with noise from neighbours in both and know how it makes you feel. For people with ASD, sensory issues with noise doesn't make living in flats ideal. I still live in the city as I need everything on hand, but in a townhouse in a fairly quiet area with one adjoining neighbour who is away most of the time..yay! I've always managed to escape feeling trapped whether that's been through planning or just walking out. I've always had a thing about escaping. I feel very sorry for people who can't get out of a situation and how stressful that must be for them.

[@macronencer]

@@helenayamez Thank you! I'm happy for you that you found a place to live that works for you. Yes, it was extremely stressful for me (I'm undiagnosed but suspect I might be "mildly" ASD). The only noise I get here has been the occasional rat in the walls! I guess that would be a problem for some, but I prefer it to people-noise. I can't attribute animal sounds to malice, and somehow that helps a lot.

[@peterwynn2169]

One thing that annoys me is when I say to my folks, "Please don't do my chores for me, unless I'm unwell and I can't," but they do them. For example, I have a strategy with the council bins whereby I put a fresh liner in every week and I put four clothes pegs in to hold the liner in place. I put the bins out but one week, my father brought them in and he put the clothes pegs that were on the outside table back in the peg basket! So, I had get them out! My most recent meltdown was on December 13. My brother came over with my niece and nephew and I had to go and see my kidney specialist. I had 70 minutes to have my breakfast, take my pills, have a shower and brush my teeth. My brother decides to go and get my parents something for lunch, and my niece flops down on the floor crying out for him. Then, my nephew decides to scream that he wants my sister-in-law, then, my family KNOWS that I HATE FLIES, but they left the door open for the little dog, and I had to also unpack the dishwasher, but a fly came in while I was trying to and while I was trying to put my yoghurt back in the fridge, my father asked me to get some toys for my nephew! I was annoyed! I went and saw my kidney specialist and was a few minutes late because somebody parked in a clearway and I had to wait for traffic that was turning as I was in a lane with a red arrow and then, someone drove along at 30kms/h in a 50kms/h zone!

[@rebeccamay6420]

I can totally understand doing things for myself the way I want them because that's the way it works best for me. And no one else can do it for me because they'll do it "wrong." I am so very familiar with the intensity of frustration i get when other things (people, tasks, unforeseen interruptions) try to insert themselves into the limited amount of time, energy, and attention span I'm working with. Ex: no phone calls, no messages, and no notifications when I'm getting ready to leave the house for work or for an appointment. My mind will halt and I won't be able to do what I must do to be ready to leave on-time if someone else pulls my attention their way. I really will be standing there wearing one sock and holding the other sock in my hand, in a state i call "Brainstuck," unable to put the second sock on the second foot.

[@bobbybologna3029]

this made me laugh a little bit because I absolutely HATE it when someone helps me without me asking them. Like it REALLY sets me off. Nobody can ever do it the way that I want and I can't communicate precisely what I'm trying to do, so they get frustrated with me but then I get pissed off because they aren't even supposed to be here in the first place and now they're holding me hostage to this situation!

[@appouhal]

I have been recently diagnosed as autistic but I was previously diagnosed with bipolar disorder because I have severe inappropriate outbursts of anger when I get upset. I really hate how irrational I become when I get angry. I become like a total sociopath whose only ambition is completely & utterly destroy the target of my rage in every way imaginable. I’ve stalked, harassed, menaced, doxxed, outed, exposed, threatened, and cyberbullied dozens of middle-aged men, most of whom I‘ve never actually met in person, for things ranging from them promising to contact me and them blocking me afterward to them making appts to meet with me at a hotel and them flaking out without telling me. I find that I can’t stand being: 1) ignored 2) ghosted 3) led on 4) rejected 5) turned down People who do these things to me cause me to go from being a meek mild-mannered math teacher to a sociopathic cyberstalker straight out of a Lifetime thriller.

[@Gothgalactica]

Idk if you’ll see this, but I am so inspired by and respect your brutal honesty. ❤️‍🩹

[@innerstorm1]

I'm definitely an imploder. I don't get angry so often anymore, once I realized I needed to take responsibility for my own feelings, acknowledging that no one can force me to feel any way, that I have a choice in how I react/feel, that if someone or something is upsetting me, it's my choice to walk away from it. If i chose to stay in it, who am I to complain then? Since about three years, i have felt far more relaxed/zen.

[@DioHard]

I am so constantly angry, because I never feel not "anxious" about my surroundings. I try so hard to carve out personal time, but any interruption pretty much empties my bucket of calm. And then whenever I can't communicate with people it gets worse. It usually stems always from a matter of others being so goddamn subconscious. All they do is subconscious. They drop shit, are loud, slam doors, leave the bin open. I tell em nicely countless times, nothing changes. I beg them to be more conscious by stating "there is always a conscious and an unconscious way to close a door" and they know that I am sound sensitive, but it just doesn't seep through, so I end up feeling like they do not care enough to accept their behaviour and try and change it. I just wanna go on a mountain and sit there until this all blows over, man.

[@towzone]

I’m 51, been with my husband for 10 years, and just had the worst meltdown of our relationship. The good thing is that he saw me and helped identify the probability that I am undiagnosed autistic. The relief of an answer for why I am me is amazing and your videos are immensely helpful to my transition of realization of my condition. Life has been so lonely until now. Thank you for sharing and helping others. You are appreciated.

[@MaciekRabizo]

Unfairness and pointless lies fill my bucket instantly 😁

[@Andy-uw9cg]

Im diagnosed with autism, only recently i am 38 , i have anger outbursts about once a week and usually punch something and break it. Or smash a cup. Im exercising daily getting therapy and doing the best i can. I get drained very quickly especially by people. It can feel like very hard work . I wish everybody well and good luck on this topsy turvy journey 🙏

[@DevonExplorer]

That's really interesting because over the last few years my anger and sudden explosions have died down to almost nothing. I thought it was just because of growing more mellow in my old age, lol, but I see now that it's because of having learnt to have a voice and being able to use it, whereas before I didn't have the words to express myself verbally. It's made a huge difference! :)

[@lightbeingform]

Here's a good bucket emptier: Grandmaster Flash doing "Don't push me, cause I'm close to the edge" - I dare you not to shake it!

[@arasharfa]

it took me a long time to realise a key component to managing relationships is to adress stressors that are likely to cause bigger problems down the line as soon as I identify them, and my needs are just as important as the other persons needs. in early life i assumed I could be responsible for the relationship by simply maximising pleasure for the other person, but i learned it's a very unfair way of treating the relationship and myself. I always ask people who know me to be clear about what they need and if there are any misunderstandings as soon as possible, and i promise to do the same. these days I aim for mutual understanding of differences rather than maximising the other persons pleasure.

[@RozyRoPink150]

As a mother of a child on the spectrum I searched this topic to better understand and empathize. I get very angry and explode and then feel horrible. I think I myself have an undiagnosed autism or sensory disorder. I’m happy to have found you because you’ve helped me better understand myself so that I can improve my own coping skills. It’s not easy

[@Delhihousingagency]

Your herbs has work wonders in my family. Thanks for the help Dr Oyalo for saving my son from autism spectrum with your herbs. Your herbs is the best.

[@m.majaaz8464]

Thanks, Paul. I’ve been listening to you for years and I’m glad you’re still there. You’re a great help, so calm and honest and dependable. Cheers

[@Delhihousingagency]

Your herbs has work wonders in my family. Thanks for the help Dr Oyalo for saving my son from autism spectrum with your herbs. Your herbs is the best.

[@theautisticpro3555]

This is such an important topic. Thanks for addressing it. I've had issues with bottling my feelings in the past, and I had a terrible experience that nearly ruined my life during a sensory overload episode. I didn't know I was autistic at the time, but knowing what I know now I can say you're right on.

[@Life_42]

Best thing that helped me is saying what you need to say. You can't control if the other listens or not but you got your message communicated.

[@NFSMAN50]

I only explode in anger when im very very very stressed out about things and someone is rude towards me. I tend to be calm, easygoing, in my head, and rarely get angry in person, but I tend to bottle up my anger. I only get angry when people are rude, disrespectful, butthead jerks to me or others, and that sets me off, and makes me mad. When im angry, I try to assert myself in an aggressive manner, and that can be problematic, because im not being assertive, but im being emotionally aggressive when im standing up for myself. People would laugh, because thats what they wanted out of you, they want a reaction out of you. If you remain stoic, calm, unbothered by it, they will leave you alone.

[@murielbilly4296]

Well, that's exactly what I needed to hear. I am full of anxiety, frustration, anger today. As always, you're very interesting and helpful. I have meltdowns and shutdowns when I get sensory overloaded. But when I feel very bad, with an incredibly amount of full trucks, I never explode. I implode, sometimes having depersonalization and derealization, or wanting to hurt myself. I am in therapy with a psychologist specialist in ASD, she helps a lot but it's 1 hour by week. I felt fine à few days ago, because I made a list of 5 things that are absolutely necessary to go through life. Not big things, like visiting a few animal shelters and volonteer in one of them, like I did during 7 years, it's one of my special interests and talking to people there was easy. Or adopt a very old cat like I did three times. But I realized I will never be able to do that because of my desability (EDS) is getting worse. I'm only 53 and I feel my life is over for a few years. I have creative hobbies where I can express myself. But no one to share. I'm so angry at my body. And frustration often leads me to rage. I will think about your precious tips, and find how they could help me. And I'm sorry for my bad mood.

[@ferfyderf]

I'm having an awful mood, unraveling a life of trauma and abuse, trying to just be at work and you helped, so I don't mind your bad mood, I didn't even pick up on it with all my thoughts flying through my head

[@Delhihousingagency]

Your herbs has work wonders in my family. Thanks for the help Dr Oyalo for saving my son from autism spectrum with your herbs. Your herbs is the best.

[@MikkoRantalainen]

Great video and the example you gave was really good for me because I feel that not getting heard is a big no-no for me. It's okay for me that other people do not agree, what is not okay is other people not willing to listen or being unable to understand. And what triggers me even more is if the other people expect me to listen but they do not listen to me. I've found that one great thing to do is to clearly communicate facts. Saying "I didn't like when you did X because *it made me feel like* Y". That is understood much more often than expressing it like "I hate that you did X because Y." The other party can deny why they did something but they cannot deny your feelings.

[@joycebrewer4150]

Wish I had known this back when I was helping babysit my two gr.-nephews, the older one is on the spectrum and at the time a SCREAMER when he encountered even a little frustration. I am on the spectrum too, very late diagnosed. My ears are very sensitive. Babysitting was not optional. I barely held it together, those years. I am happy to say, since he grew to school age, he has learned better ways to communicate!

[@rebeccamay6420]

The "I felt" reasoning is a good means of identifying why "X" is a problem. It is less likely to be viewed as attacking the person who did "X." The person isn't the problem, it's the behavior or action. ❤️‍🩹

[@norney15]

I get frustrated when I don't get My Autism&Aspergers because I don't understand why I get mad or upset and think it's difficult to deal with.

[@linden5165]

Anger can be build-up of stress, it can also be old traumas getting triggered (especially if they're unresolved), it can be a sign someone is intruding past a boundary and I think it can be a very reasonable and appropriate response to any form of injustice. I do my best to manage myself to avoid all the build-up I can. I have a pretty ingrained habit of responding to pain and discomfort by just enduring it and white-knuckling and I'm trying not to do that because it makes me very miserable and irritable and have less resilience to everything else. If I feel anger in response to injustice or boundary crossing then I let myself feel it as it's an appropriate and reasonable feeling in those circumstances. So I let it flow, see what it has to tell me and express it in ways that are safe and healthy, then let it pass. Overall though, I'm pretty low anger and aggression compared to others (autistic or not). A good vent/rant to a willing listener is a great outlet for some things! Sometimes just letting a little out the valve often helps - just naming my feelings of anger and frustration.

[@taras3702]

Precisely, ongoing stress and people's aggression or disrespect towards me are what fuel my anger.

[@MundtStefan]

Thank you so much!!! I thought I don't have that emotional explosion 💥 aspect of autism. Now that you explained it I realized that I had these explosions in the past and started coping by letting it implode on me. Now that I am aware of it I will be able to deal with it.

[@justicecoemilton8831]

I had an absolutely narcissistic and outright emotionally and mentally abusive guy say he thought he had autism. This was strange because the only symptom he had was sadistic anger. He also gave lots of calculated and sometimes extended silent treatments (keyword calculated). Emotional manipulation was his core constant persona. No stimming, no special interests, nothing, just anger and a need at the time to steer away from others at the time already labeling him narcissistic. Anywho, I do think anger is a genuine symptom for many with autism but I truly think the bulk of us have it INWARD (implode as u mentioned and would rather bear the negativity ourself rather than thrust it on another)...in addition let's not forget Borderline Personality Disorder is a fairly common co-disorder with autism for some. If a person finds themselves CONSTANTLY in a rage or emotional rollercoaster with heaps of constant emptiness and/or maybe even constantly being accused of emotional abuse by others they should definitely see a professional. I didn't say if u hurt people simply by being blunt or socially challenged that u should seek help...what I'm saying is much deeper than that. Some of us want to pretend that socially "negative" comorbidities with autism (like borderline, even bipolar, etc) don't exist, but they do and if u have these serious things going on please reach out for help and support rather than leaving a constant trail of wounds/brokenness on others around u (and yourself).

[@MsDamosmum]

I am going to actually draw a bucket and try to recognise what fills it. The main big one is when my sewing doesn’t go right! I can have spent many hours on an item and not be happy with the results or just can’t achieve what I’m attempting at all. This is made worse if the customer isn’t happy with the result. Sometimes a customer will think my price is too high which really hurts because I barely scrape through the month 😔

[@user-ll9wh4jt2k]

Within a minute using a self serve checkout at the supermarket I explode with anger. I get very anxious approaching this area . Then I feel ashamed having to call the shop assistant over.

[@stuartrushworth5487]

I mostly implode and I can hold a pocket of intense emotion inside me for days when it erupts as panic attacks when I am alone at home. It is horrible. The way that I have countered this is to recognize that my memories of stressful incidents are decaying and that I am filling the gaps with my own impressions, like a photo-fit - though it resembles a person less and less. There comes a point when I have to admit that my own input is lacking what might be called a 'social reality.' Of course there are many times when my grievance is genuine and in these cases I go through all kinds of internal tunnels before confronting the person involved or their superior. Either of these is painful and frightening. When I do emerge from an implosion it is a lovely calm, often with a clearer understanding of my autism at the end of it, whilst others have perhaps learned something of autism too.

[@stuartrushworth5487]

@Fatima Mustapha mala Thank you.

[@patricknyman727]

I think I have autism idek. I despise my life, feels like a wasted existence. I can’t make people happy, I’m so awkward and weird, it always seems like everyone else knows a secret to life I don’t know. Everyone seems to have normal problems, normal reasons to be angry or upset, etc. Tired of seeing everyone laughing and smiling in contrast to me.

[@leftthatbehind6090]

I’m so sad reading this :( hang in there Patrick. It’s not your job to make people happy. There are techniques and different ways to properly regulate your emotions and grow as a person. However I must say sometimes we feel like it is all our fault but often we aren’t surrounded by the right people. There are people who won’t think you’re “weird” and you will be able to form meaningful connections with.

[@MiaMantri]

I'm guessing you feel like that because people tell you your reasons for being angry or upset are trivial? They used to tell me that and I believed them for years until I found new people who helped counter that narrative. Please know that whatever reasons you have for being angry or upset they are valid. Nobody has the right to shame you for how you feel. If you ever want to talk further feel free to add me on facebook. Take care.

[@patricknyman727]

@@MiaMantri It’s not even that other people mistreat me. It’s just the constant indifference to me that makes me want to blow my brains out. I can’t bring myself to be entertained by other people’s presence because I have no idea how to conduct a fun conversation or just have a good time. I’m boring. Talking isn’t natural for me at all. It’s formulaic and repetitive with nothing to discuss. I’ve got no jokes, I have no comedic timing, my body gestures are weird and dismissive because I’m constantly uncomfortable. Meanwhile I see everyone else communicate a million different things in five seconds with just their face, posture, and a few words and then the person they talk to bursts out laughing. I especially want to die when I see someone who knows how to flirt or make a girl laugh. Hate to sound like an incel but I’ll never be able to do that. I deserve to die. All I do is just go to the gym and push myself as best as I can, shut absolutely everyone out and listen to David Goggins and sermons on the Book of Revelation just begging for it to be the end soon.

[@MiaMantri]

@@patricknyman727 even if all that is true you don't deserve to die. You have the right to be you.

[@arthurlincoln9093]

My bucket concerns respect, appreciation and the idea of "doing the right thing" in any given situation. It is never just a one off small thing but an accumulation of events and stresses, criticisms or perceived slights and disrespects that send me into hyper crirical mode and eventual anger. An example: we work at a task, we complete task but never get thanked . They add more to the task and more and more but there is never a hint of appreciation just more work. You begin to question your own worthiness as a person. Am I invisible? What am I? I completed the task but now you pile on more without thanking me for what I already did. I feel empty like a machine but if you just take time to acknowledge what I did I would feel better. But you never do. Just more work and nothing I say resonates. I feel crushed and worthless and more and more angry at your demands. Then I dont want to do this or be here and I dont care. And all because you couldnt bring yourself to say "thank you" and tell me that I done good. And then we go to supervision and you sit there pointing out all my failures but few of what I got right. You want to criticize? I can criticize too. I can criticize better than you because I see and feel everything. Let me tell you lady how I feel in this job and this place being around you!!! Anger explodes. Mental image of falling off cliff. Too late. Past caring. Out the door. Forget even to collect personal belongings and feel like a complete failure and rebel.

[@aaronholmes3409]

For me, the big problems are easier to abide. They’re BIG and, therefore, difficult to avoid. But the little things drive me crazy because I feel resentful - resentful that I’m having to deal with some small extra stress that could’ve been easily avoided. In this way, the little things become my biggest stressors.

[@NeurodiverJENNt]

I definitely resonate with the resentment of Not only shielding others from emotions but a myriad of other acts of service or efforts that go unnoticed... Most neurotypical people can relate to that last one but for me it's partially a frustration with myself regarding lack of ability to connect with others and attempting to do So through acts of service or sacrifice. In most instances the other people didn't ask for it or deserve it and the resentment was self-manufactured

[@650shaggy]

as an autistic person I find that once people find out they treat me like a danger as well as gaslighting me into certain reactions to justify my treatment. another one was the mother of my child telling me I'm victimising myself by stating I'm autistic even though I was trying to communicate the difficulties I have that I can't seem to understand fully but know damn well there's a problem. I don't receive help in this world, I'm too smart and efficient for anyone to help. I'm often seen as intimidating. not physically, intellectually.

[@KingOath]

I strongly identify with your feeling that nobody can help you. I’m so good at solving my own problems that when it comes to something I can’t solve, nobody else can either. And everything they say I’ve already thought of and it’s really frustrating

[@blueheart9873]

I am guilty of this, and it's specifically hard when you are trying to tell people that things make you upset but they don't take it seriously. This is probably because most people already let a little bit of the anger out before the "explosion". However, in my case it doesn't really look like I am angry at this point yet because I lack the body language. And then, when it comes to the point I have enough people are surprised (and sometimes scared) because it all comes out in a short period of time and it looks very intense, almost like a psychotic person. I don't know what can help to prevent these situations. I try to ask people to stop, I try to get out of the situation but people don't take it serious until it actually happens

[@helenayamez]

Your videos are always so clear and straightforward and have put me on the path of recent self diagnosis at the age of 56. I've had anger issues since I was born and got into physical fights with other kids until I learned it wasn't socially acceptable. From my mid teens onwards it turned inward which has ended up being worse due to exploding verbally at people which comes out before I can stop it. It has seriously affected friendships. The strategies you've set out here are very helpful. I'm not around other people much these days as I tend to avoid, but for starters i will help my stress bucket by getting counselling for constant background anxiety and catastrophizing. Your informative and insightful videos help a lot. Thank you.

[@herOhface]

Paul you are helping. Wanted you to know that

[@robinmickael6197]

I relate to this heavily, yet it's something I had never noticed was actively reoccurring. I feel that since I've been focusing on tackling my anxiety lately I've been having more problems keeping my anger to myself. I think this will be very helpful, thanks for sharing!

[@rebeccamay6420]

Buildup of stress. Bucket getting too full. Dumping the bucket on someone else... You have provided words to describe the feelings and reactions. To add to the metaphor, when I don't get enough sleep, my Bucket shrinks. The irritations and frustrations that my regular sized Bucket can usually handle will then fill my shrunken Bucket too quickly. This happened recently-- lack of sleep, plus having overslept and being late for work, plus a family-induced frustration incident (and I later realized "plus PMS too") all in the same day pushed me over the edge, and I dumped my Bucket into an audio message in the family-group message thread because I was so angry that my hands went kind of numb and were shaking too much to type it into a text message. I described the last-straw thing that sent me into a flying fury rage as "the cherry on top of the icing on top of the cake." I was not only in Meltdown, it was a Nuclear Meltdown! I decided on the spot that it was best to take myself away from the situation, and I sat in my car for a couple hours at the nearest local restaurant until I prayed for peace of mind, calmed down, stopped shaking, could feel my hands and feet again, and ate a seasonal treat food. (This is late spring early summer in New England. The local restaurants have lobster rolls this time of year!) When I got home, I was exhausted and went to bed earlier than usual. I am so grateful to have such a loving, supportive husband. I recently discovered, self-diagnosed, that I am on the Autism Spectrum. The more I learn from these ASD/Aspie channels, from people describing their own experiences, the more I recognize "that's Me!" I share what I'm learning with my husband, and although he doesn't fully understand 'how' differently my mind processes Life, now we know there's a legitimate reason 'Why' it does, and it is such a Relief to know I'm Not Crazy, I'm Autistic. I believe this discovery is helping our relationship. And so is therapy. And so are the meds.

[@dimitrifreitas2981]

Man i needed to have this when i was a kid .

[@pikmin4743]

this is validating for how I handled a situation recently. I was upset by something someone said in an email. I waited and processed my thoughts and wrote back how I felt aboutwhat they had said. they ghosted me. in the past I have had very explosive anger. I guess I've found ways to keep my bucket level regulated

[@Hannah7Banana]

What really frustrates me is when I am trying to explain something and the other person doesn't get what I'm saying and if I try and explain it in a different way I just can't, it sounds like gibberish, then I can't think, and I just go silent while a million thoughts and emotions rush through my head that I want to express but my mouth and body won't move! All I can say after that is "you don't understand and I can't explain it any other way so nvm don't worry about it" Absolutely infuriating

[@azimuth4297]

The triggers I have identified for myself all involve change. I've struggled with change forever. Having 7 different managers in 2 years has been incredibly difficult, and unfortunately, have led to meltdowns. Excellent video. Thank you.

[@deemarie5534]

7 different managers?! In two years?! Sounds like hell! Also, high turn over is the biggest sign of a dysfunctional workplace. I hope you're able to leave and find a better place to work.

[@unknowntosociety01]

Lmfao 🤣 I relate so much I work for a MSP have to answer for 6 different clients and do perfect work or face consequences while being a two person team…

[@RagingWhoremoans]

Same here, I've worked in a crematorium for 2 years that constantly underwent major changes. including mass lay offs and new management (12 colleagues were fired including 3 managers, all signed NDAs and we were given no explanation) Burned out twice in that period, the first was due to mental exhaustion I was forced to return to work ASAP or risked losing my job, which is when I started taking stims just to get through the day. Second was when covid cases started surging and lockdowns were enforced, been unable to work ever since due to sheer stress and anxiety.

[@allyfrasier6306]

This is precisely how I behave, internalising everything, but I invalidate myself, gaslight my feelings and constantly seek to understand and appreciate the other person's hurtful behaviour. On the odd occasion I have actually spoken up and shared in a concise way, after deliberation, I inevitably REGRET that I spoke with them due to their invalidation or aggressive response. I find the toxic feeling that runs through me, of their neurotypical response and disregard, to be so misguided and then I feel even more unheard. It also seems they have a propensity to continue with an ongoing argument with endless fight and stamina and conflict is extremely harsh on my nervous system. I simply don't want to allow it to continue. It feels so stressful and leaves me with such an ongoing deep confusion and loss of calm and can take a significant period of solo time to emotionally recuperate. I've had a lifetime of abuse though, and only at 46 yrs, just diagnosed ASD. I have so much to learn and appreciate your insight. Thank you. 😊

[@a-cvs1403]

I don't really realise that my bucket is full because I focus too much on whatever task is at hand until it is too late and then I can't articulate because I completely implode

[@starfoxloves]

My dad's favorite phrase when I was growing up was "control your temper" or "you need to learn to control your temper" (as if it's that simple, but my dad has a LOT of narcissistic tendencies, so for him maybe it is: ya just dump it on someone else and make it look like it's been their problem the whole time 🤦‍♀️)... He said this nonsense to me all the way up until 2018 or 19 when I was in my 30s and I finally said, "Haven't you seen Anger Management? Surely by this time in humanity's evolution you are aware that it's common knowledge that's literally the most counterproductive thing someone could do." He never said that to me again! 😂😂😂 I still have a lot of shame and confusion around anger, thanks to him. Like you, I also tend to take the bullet myself rather than explode at someone. As someone who commonly mispeaks and struggles to speak period, I often just shut down when people don't understand me, even though it makes me really upset. Trying to clarify that I misspoke always seems to start a big disagreement where the other person thinks im saying they're wrong and I just want to be right. I could care LESS about being right. I just want to clarify what I'm saying and I'm used to that turning into a fight so I respond in kind. The journaling is a phenomenal idea! Thanks for sharing this information so eloquently (or at least to my brain 🤪)!!!

[@kirasussane1556]

I'm not diagnosed as autistic only as socially anxious and I also exhibit a lot pathological avoidance so a lot of these videos really help me. I have spend my whole life ignoring my own feelings because I was taught they weren't valid. So I learned to hide them from other but also from myself which has lead me to lack the capacity to know how and why I feel the way I feel. For example before a social event I need at least two hours to relax and watch a tv show or movie in order to been able to deal with the social demands that are gonna be made later during the day. But usually people tend to dismiss that as I'm being lazy or uncooperative especially if the event is at home. The reality is before any event I'm feeling on edge and my tendency is to ignore those feelings to the point that I end up having a meltdown before whatever I have to do or go to. I have been program to ignore my needs and now I find myself not knowing how to deal with my emotions.

[@ThomasDoubting5]

Lots of implosions followed by a huge explosion.

[@tonytrismegistusroberts5124]

I go ballistic if I feel i'm being bullied, I mean really lose it, my daughter has aspergers

[@zaqwsx28]

I bought an activity tracker that monitors stress and sleep. It's very helpful tool to check if the stress is real or not.

[@darby9196]

I am so glad I saw this video of yours. I really thought I was the only person who got so upset when someone (my ex wife ) we just separated recently and she never would hear me, ignore me all the time. She would do this on purpose I think at least to see how I would react. And like you I would eat the bombs until I couldn’t anymore and then I would either blow up and or go be alone and just cry. I’m so glad I’m not alone. Now I just need to find a good psyc doctor. Thank you again!!

[@darby9196]

She would also call me names I would tell her how I fell and she would double down on me. When I would be just doing things the way I always have and she would say that I do things so weird and say I can’t believe you are so weird. I have ADHD, autism, depression, anxiety, and a slight learning disorder. She had called me the hard R word that means mentally challenged. I take that very hard hurts my feelings bad😭. And I did tell her about all my issues b4 marriage but I was masking a lot until I felt comfortable around her which I guess I shouldn’t have done. I’m just glad to know I’m not on my own. Thank you

[@vongimbelgroup]

I dumped my bucket on my roommate yesterday. I kept trying to tell him he was violating my boundaries, but I didn't know how to explain it. I kept telling him I was autistic, but he just accused me of using autism as an excuse. I kept asking him to watch some videos on autism so we could communicate better, but he couldn't be bothered. I don't think he believes autism is real. He is what fills up my bucket. I hadn't had hardly any anxiety symptoms for years, and being around him they have increased to the levels when I had blackouts in my 30's. Anyways, I blew up on him. It's his house, and I'm afraid he is going to dump all my stuff outside while I'm gone and change the locks. Even though that's illegal, he's done it before. Hopefully, he just stops talking to me, but likes my rent money. I thought of a healthy way to deal with it afterwords unfortunately. I should have not tried to be so helpful. He was using me like a doormat, and I just wanted a friend so I let him. When I would tell him what bothers me I wasn't clear, and all he heard was "blah, blah, blah, autism, blah blah, excuses to be a jerk". It's like once he heard "autism" he would ignore everything else because he refuses to fall for some kind of "brain witchery" or something. I should have simply told him what I wanted, and when he ignored it to ask me for too many favours without prior warning, I should have said something like... "I appreciate that you need my help, and I would be glad to help you if you will just respect my boundaries. If you will confirm that you need my help by this afternoon, then I will be glad to help you tomorrow. Also I only wish to help you with that task, and not be taken on all of your errands. But since I've asked you to to respect these boundaries before, and you have not then I must decline to help you until you are willing to respect my boundaries." I apologized for yelling, and hopefully he forgives me. If he does, and he crosses my boundaries again, I will say the above. Hopefully he will either respect my boundaries, or stop asking for my help. I don't like feeling used like that. Especially when he gives no prior warning, doesn't really ask, but rather makes demands that kind of sound like a request, but not really. Plus he is constantly asking me questions but really wants to tell me the answer. Just say it if you want to share something, but don't ask unless you want my answer. Sheesh. I wish I had a short school bus or a van to live in. Then I could get away from people like him. It sucks being chronically jobless and homeless. I'm 47, and don't have any money right now, because my last boss--who was awesome--got a better job and moved to Washington state. Plus I literally used to watch body language videos for dating to learn how to mask for months on end. I also love to learn, and read a lot so I've learned a lot of metaphors, idiums, and sarcasm like a foreign language back when I used to desperately want to fit in. I'm afraid even if I did figure out how to get tested for autism so I could get help that they would say I don't really have it due to the masking.

[@birdlady2725]

Ummm, bucket, No. Tractor trailer amount? Yes. When little things build up, and never get addressed, and lots of others keep getting added in bucket loads. Overwhelmed. Frustrated. And know I am both the problem and solution, but just now learning how. I appreciate thw help you give and helping to put words to issues, as well as learning coping strategies. I wish this info could be part of schooling, churches, and other clos k it groups. Great for conversation starters possibly, as well as having others see this, it may give insight to what family or friends who may be struggling, and may understand a bit better on why. Thank you again.

[@ambercara2139]

Thank you so much for this video and for so many more. It's so helpful to hear you talk about exactly what I am struggling with at the moment. x

[@PADARM]

In my case, I explode when I feel that an injustice is being committed towards me. in this case anger completely takes over my brain to the point that I can't control it. I don't express this anger in the form of physical violence but in verbal violence, not yelling but telling the other person to go away or to leave me alone. And after this I feel a tremendous feeling of guilt. In summary, Injustice leads to Anger, Anger leads to Guilt. it is an awful situation.

[@ivonnelomeli]

I can relate so much to this. Thank you for the video :)

[@dimpsthealien333]

I think imploding wrecks us emotionally and physically. Maybe why I have IBS. I 💖 this video. You nailed it. I struggle with anger and explosions a lot due to my cup running over all the time. I have a lot of resentments too. I didn't use to be this bad but I feel like I can't handle or cope with emotions anymore. Also, I grew up with a dad who would, out of the blue, dump his entire bucket on innocent, unknowing me. It was frightening. Now I "lose my shit" on a loved one. I find working in the yard/garden helps. But I have a long way to go.

[@rajeeb3500]

Thanks Paul. My problem is THE WORLD. Quite a problem to have in the background.

[@thezzach]

Wow this is me! Thank you so much!

[@justinhambidge8811]

I can completely relate to this, I like to be in a calm environment and with little to no noise. With a family it's tough and you can't switch things off.

[@enspropheticministry6786]

Spot on, so very helpful!! Thank you so much for all your videos. Much appreciated.

[@sophiefield8459]

Thank you for explaining this so well 😀

[@Dustbuster725]

You rock dude. I appreciate you.

[@BeautyIsHerName89]

Thank you for this🙏🏽

[@trish8399]

I can't express how grateful I am for your channel sir, but thank you SOO much for what you do!

[@lambs5258]

Very grateful for the work you do. You explain all this quickly, simply and empathetically. And it's so helpful.

[@pattyj716]

Dude, thank you so so much for addressing this issue. I thought it was just me and I was crazy.

[@sueannevangalen5186]

That was very helpful. Thank you.

[@301SS]

I had a similar situation where something I said to a coworker was misinterpreted and when I tried to defuse my internal feelings. I went to my supervisor to explain what I meant by what I said (I was trying to be helpful, not bossy), but she wouldn’t give me that outlet. Within minutes I went from a 3/10 to a 11/10 in frustration. I don’t deal well with being muzzled. I am probably going to work tomorrow to find my position no longer exists because I exploded into a rage machine.

[@emmydevore3148]

Thank you Paul for this wonderful work you are doing!! You are so knowledgeable, have such good insights and do a marvelous job at explaining everything so simply! I REALLY appreciate you and your work!!

[@alexadellastella5247]

Thank you!!! makes so much sense

[@orbismworldbuilding8428]

This has been helpful. Now i know why i don't drain my bucket. The people around me hold little accountability, partly because they all have their own buckets bordering on full all the time so when they are held accountable they release *their* anger and stress in the form of defensiveness and combativeness, if not outright avoidance.

[@bluediamond105]

Im still new at this, almost a week since I found out im autistic,now lots of things are making sense, negativity i got too much and it has hurt me in so many ways

[@maryolmstead3183]

I can definitely resonate with your comments about anger. Thank you for the coping skills.

[@ClearTheRubble7]

I've often been criticized for not being assertive enough. However, when I would speak my mind, it would sometimes come out in an inappropriate "blast" of anger that would make me nervous about being assertive again. Writing as much of my anger and other feelings into a journal has definitely helped.

[@ClearTheRubble7]

Something else that has helped me--when someone says something that triggers my anger--is to mentally pause and step back (internally) so that I can take what was said and analyze it later, determine if it really was meant as an insult toward me or if I had misunderstood the comment, etc. If I'd determine it was gaslighting or an insult, I could then deal with it in a more measured and thoughtful way instead of reacting like a berserker. It's not always easy to pause, though, when your fuse has been lit. 😂

[@Feenix102]

Ahhh! I'm looking forward to this one in particular. :o)

[@kensears5099]

A secret I'm learning to stay entirely clear of this holding-it-in-then-blowing-up cycle (though I don't want to be misleading: I practically never blow up overtly) is this: proactively learn how not to care, I mean genuinely not care, about many things that I might have earlier related falsely to my worth, status, rights, reputation, place and importance in the scheme of things, whether among family, friends or colleagues. Like I said, I am not a person who has classically blown up or exploded at people, but there have been a few instances in the past seven years or so. But even when I don't blow up outwardly, the "volcano" makes itself known inwardly. This deeper way of "not caring" has brought an intense new freedom from me. Yes, there will always be things that are essential to care about, essential to take a stand for. But there's a plethora of things in life I falsely attach that level of importance or urgency to, and I can be hyper-vigilant about how others are relating to it and what it says about me or my contributions to the world. This is what I'm learning to release, to establish my inner identity as thoroughly distinct and "other" from all those things. I guess what I'm talking about is very similar to your sensitivity to the impression of not being recognized, understood, taken into account. I believe you will agree that, like me, what counts to you is not that everybody will agree with your point of view, but that they should hear and understand what you mean, even if they're going to reject it. Ah yes, I'm listening to you now even as I type: yes, implosion. That's what I'm talking about exactly. I've been "imploding" all my life. This is what, now, after the profoundest discovery of my real ASD state, I'm learning even better, more consciously and intentionally, to overcome by being, 1) as clear, distinct, and succinct as I can about what I want to say, and, then, 2) totally letting it go and, as I said, "not caring" where it goes from there. I find that a crucial part of this "not caring" is that I must separate my own inner life from what I imagine or project to be the inner life of others who've heard what I said. I cannot allow myself to carry the fantastical burden of working through what I meant not only for me but also, imaginatively, do their processing for them, too. That's a black hole from which there's just no escape. Intention, clarity, "launching" your sincere contribution, leaving it out there for others to process, and leaving my own inner world free of all entanglement of their (imagined) inner worlds or what they should be feeling/thinking about what I said. All this has helped tremendously.

[@greatauntcoleslaw]

Thank you so much for this video. I was initially watching to help understand a loved one better, not thinking it would apply very much to my experiences, but I actually ended up understanding myself better too

[@nickieblandford9057]

Your description of how you implode is exactly what I’ve been doing to myself for years because meltdowns in the past have caused too much damage. Thanks for putting a relatable description around that. Working on a notebook of Things That Make Me Feel Good and then also Things That Pig Me Off. 😆 It’s making such a difference 🙏🏼

[@jmo2104]

Through really listening to you I find so many answers to what's going on inside me. Thank you for helping to set me free

[@annonymous9063]

Wow! I've learned so much. Not only do I now understand what is going in in me but you gave great, simple tools to keep this in check. I got imense value out of this video. Tank you for making these. You inspire me.

[@tillybinkieking7258]

What an excellent video. Thank you so much for your advice. It is difficult to understand autistic grandson, this explains and hopefully will help to relieve his troubles and stress. X

[@isotope73]

Fabulous! I took notes ❤️

[@cowsonzambonis6]

Excellent video!! I really needed this for the current part of my autism journey!

[@TropeOlogy]

Best video I have seen in a While. Been angry and didn't even realize it. Thank you for reminding me to strategize