What causes Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in AUTISM and ADHD

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My name's Loren Snow, and I'm an autistic public speaker and trainer and the CEO of Neurodiverse Training where myself and my team deliver training to tens of thousands of people each year about autism and neurodiversity.,
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[@LorenSnow]

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[@ceterisparibus8966]

@2DPunkimSpice Same!

[@vazzaroth]

Extremely relatable in all examples. I feel like I've been just trying to figure out what people want from me and failing since I've been like 3 years old. (31 now)

[@TheWaveOfChange19]

I can feel you

[@shelleyallison5748]

Same

[@diya.7575]

yes!

[@kingrobotnik6950]

@@emstroop8859 hey screw that. Go where people will better understand you. Maybe the location you’re at just doesn’t suit your personality.

[@isaiahminott]

There's also the feeling of no matter what you do you can't win and the thing that just sucks the most about it is you are actually wholeheartedly trying to be better and you can do a million right things but if there's one bad thing and you get criticized for it it really destroys your confidence towards that goal or anything... that's how I feel at work right now. I could do a million different things but if I mess up on one of them then all those things become meaningless it's not a fun feeling at all.

[@shortycareface9678]

I'm autistic and I went through that feeling of feeling like I lost part of myself when my ex and I broke up. I lost all my routines and everyday structure atop it all. It was honestly quite a traumatic experience.... but it got me to where I am today.

[@kelliel7022]

I don't [think I] have autism, but I can really relate to the idea of masking myself out of fear of rejection because I've been too [insert word]. I feel unloved for who I am.

[@Ebvardh]

You may be on neurodivergent despite not being specifically autistic.

[@C0SM1CPR1NC3]

Wow this is such a fantastic explanation. I recently was diagnosed with autism at 18, and for my entire life I had always felt indescribable guilt and pain when I felt I lost the respect of someone who *I* respected, such as a teacher or adult, leading me to always be immaculately well behaved at school to the point where I was a 'teacher's pet'. Just the teacher telling me to stop talking was enough to really shake me for the rest of the day, even as recently as sixth form. I never considered that this was a part of my autism until I found the term online by pure luck. Additionally, I've always had 'special people' but never knew they could be a part of having 'special interests', this is my first time hearing of that particular phenomenon and it's crazy how much I relate.

[@mimimiller763]

Can you tell me how you got diagnosed as an adult please 🙏

[@ceterisparibus8966]

What do you mean by "special people"?

[@LorenSnow]

I have another video on it, or maybe the video is on special interests and i mention it there - go have a look :)

[@Cherrycreamsoda1]

Thanks so much for making this. I’ve felt this way for years but I never knew there was a name for it. Even harmless comments or something meant to correct feel cutting for me. Childhood rejection really can scar you for life. The only thing that gives me hope is that there are accepting people out there, some of whom I’ve met already, and those are the right people to spend time with.

[@Dancestar1981]

Oh it scars you all right I’ve suffered from rejection sensitive dysphoria for 38 years of my 40 just never had a name for it before

[@MinxyBeth]

I'm 48 and never knew this was a thing. My mom shamed me for crying as a kid.

[@iveneverseenahealthyvegan.9885]

This is so emotive with everything relating to myself. I'm 54 years old, diagnosed 18 months ago. My life has always been a constant internal battle, never knowing why. I have no friends, but liked and well known by many people all over. I always leave a smile after the first meeting with a new person. My wife has undiagnosed BPD she goes into a rage instantly. I am not able to share my difficulties with her. I try my best to keep her happy, whilst underneath I am struggling.

[@GaryLucasMusic]

Thanks for sharing. That sounds really difficult. I'm glad you felt like you could open up here.

[@LorenSnow]

Me too ❤️

[@darrelltregear756]

I'm 54 and I have high functioning autism, OCD and anxiety which I am learning to control better , I can't work because I get tired of the routine and the people and at first when starting a new job I'm very enthusiastic and I'm quiet at first for a while then I become more manic and my behaviour starts to stand out then I look for an excuse to leave the job and feel safer at home and retreat back to my comfort zone.

[@N-xi2zh]

Maybe mineral balancing. I will try it. I tried it and water fasting, and a lot of strength training after getting PFS. Cured / recovered but need some help. Mineral balancing will take me the rest of the way and maybe greatly treat Autism/ rejection sensitivity dysphoria, whatever I have. I will still take some small dose ADHD stimulant medn on it. It helped me rid asthma for a couple yrs and even improve eyesight and astigmatism. Detoxing heavy metals/ can help a lot. I will use TEI- Trace elements inc. Trying carnivore now, it is ok and I am doing it strict. I am losing fat but in good mood/ I am usually lean very lean. Only been depressed a couple yrs, because It was so hard making friends/ dating, despite curing androgen problem,. because I couldn't let people in until my career/stuff was on all track. I was very confident and can be outgoing but am very introverted. I was also gambling for a while which is bad, I think minerals will help me a lot and It helped ppl far sicker than me, and also me when I was in better condition. Honestly I think it could have helped me get married, and live the life I want, and finish my doctorate and lose anxiety/ shyness. I'd be on track at 31-32 instead of a few yrs later.

[@softpretzelclub]

This is the best description of RSD I've heard. So many things make sense to me now, thank you for making this!

[@Novastar314]

Absolutely

[@slowlyworkingthingsout]

Hey bruh, that's a nice shirt. Looks good with the glasses. Like a smart-casual matrix look.

[@LorenSnow]

Thank you :)

[@imaontour7106]

Yes! Story of my life. Guessing that is why i self isolated way before covid

[@lud_lihuen]

I'm autistic and this makes sooo much sense to me... I've felt exactly this so many times in my life, it's painful...

[@hunnybSue]

This explains me, I've never been diagnosed on the spectrum but I'm certain I'm there somewhere. Even with therapy I can handle about 6 months and I need to get out.

[@ceterisparibus8966]

What do you mean by that?

[@maestro3887]

Thanks for making this video, it describes my life atm so well. If I'm talking to someone and they don't react the way I expect them to do, I try very hard to read there facial expression and to know what they are thinking.

[@LorenSnow]

You're so welcome!

[@SevereWeatherCenter]

For me I was told by a friend of mine that I likely have rejection sensitivity dysphoria but what I actually have is borderline personality disorder because I have a severe fear of abandonment and rejection and I usually go to extremes to prevent the abandonment. For example I would significantly overdressed for job interviews and I will try to appease everyone around me so they would not reject me and despite all my attempts at avoiding the abandonment and rejection it still happens to me all the time and I’m also always predicting that it would happen and it does and when I do get rejected especially by your friend are usually lash out at them and retaliation in order to basically even things out as I feel that since I was rejected for no reason and I feel things are unfair I would lash out at them in order to basically level the playing field.

[@lincolntapper2985]

That was very insightful and well explained.

[@LorenSnow]

Thank you :)

[@Merlincat007]

Great video! I do think there can be more inherent (brain pattern/neurotransmitter) reasons for RSD in ADHD and Autism spectra which you didn't go into here. The sensitivity can have always been there for kids before experiences compound the problem and set unhealthy coping mechanisms.

[@plaguekidd6902]

Not to go into detail but I have been struggling with this for a while. It used to be so easy to bury and forget it, but now I can’t, and it been so painful. One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I’ll often avoid or discourage myself from doing thing because of that fear of failure. To just stay as far away from putting myself or my work out their.

[@christianrokicki]

An interesting facet of this is how the more precarious we feel in relation to others the more desperately ‘the brain’ will search for signs (and find) that we are being or have been rejected. Indeed it seems to like things to be predictable, even if that means feeling rejected and deeply defective… sometimes at the drop of a hat. I must admit I was struggling for a while with neighbors and others who ignore me when I say hello or good morning. Partly because it really activated this story from childhood of not quite communicating in a normal way, not fitting in and then being routinely shunned, attacked or ostracized. Now I wonder at what does seem like a lack of empathy, but understand that it is their problem if they are unable to perform very basic acts of civility. Better to be puzzled by it than hurt by it, because people in general don’t seem to getting much friendlier in general these days.

[@skylermiles3336]

rocking back & forth right now sobbing my eyes out bc I confessed my love for my best friend & even tho he said he loves me too he needs a few days to think so im my mind he hates me & is going to leave

[@LorenSnow]

What did he say? x

[@candyts-sj7zh]

How I learned to deal with rejection sensitivity is by constantly be aware of the fact that it’s happening. So if I don’t get the positive feedback that I expect from others, and I feel bad, I know that’s rejection sensitivity. I also learned not to consciously engage and always try to peoples pleas for the positive feedback that I used to crave so much. Now, I only engage with others when necessary and try to keep to myself and quiet on other times. For some reason, i noticed that being like this makes other people want to engage with me more often, but I still try not to engage much.

[@esk8jaimes]

Hearing about this condition is giving me seismic self-realisations.

[@tiffanymann3614]

I just found your channel and I’m so glad I did. Very informative. THANK YOU. -AA

[@88tongued]

Woah, that cheerful end credit music

[@TheAutisticGeek206]

Sometimes I couldn't help but refuse to accept rejection because: what if I get miserable for all of my lifetime?

[@ceterisparibus8966]

What do you mean by that?

[@TheAutisticGeek206]

@@ceterisparibus8966 I do not know, my friend.

[@candymargaret6148]

I TOTALLYget you...same

[@TheAutisticGeek206]

@@candymargaret6148 Thanks for getting this.

[@terryhorbert1067]

Best explanation for RSD that I have ever heard.

[@Dancestar1981]

I have both Aspergers and ADHD Inattentive, RSD, Anxiety, Depression and mild OCD

[@GoofyWelshGit]

Thank you for making this. It has touched me as it appears to have many, many others. 37, diagnosed last year, trying to work out what's my audhd and what's trauma and doing all I can to fix what is fixable. Seeing this stuff has been massively important in that and I hope you feel good about yourself for being a part in that.

[@richwilson5969]

Thank you. You nailed me 100 percent. Thank you so much. Now I understand myself.

[@LorenSnow]

Glad it helped!

[@SS-in1ts]

Thank you for this video, I’m 36 with adhd and have never felt more understood. I didn’t even understand because it’s easy to just say I’m insecure and this is all about self esteem or depression or childhood abandonment fears but there’s a lot that goes into it. After getting a fairly cold text from someone I was dating I found this video and it helped remind me to not take it personal. Thank you 🙏 again.

[@jennaorlowski5777]

Thank you for taking the time to explain this💖

[@Chris-nq9nb]

You just described me! I'm at that stage where I'm getting older and the opportunities are disappearing. Very useful video. Separate point, I found the bright white background really distracting. Maybe you could use something else in future?

[@LorenSnow]

I’m glad it’s helpful :) Lighting and the backgrounds in videos is such a pain... I don’t feel I’ll ever get it right haha

[@princessmanitari4993]

@@LorenSnow possibly use a colour background like How To Adhd? maybe purple (: ?

[@LorenSnow]

Link? :)

[@ashantal5172]

You hit it right on the money with the taking on of other people's personalities part. I've been doing that all of my life and I've been a people who's all of my life as well and now that I've discovered RSD and discovered that I have ADHD I feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Most of my life growing up I felt like a freak so I had very little friends but now I know I'm not a freak My brain is just a little flipped.

[@665molloy]

I’ve always been told my whole life I’m weird Everyone is laughing at me . And - the relationship part is bang on!

[@janelliot5643]

This is extraordinarily helpful! Thank you so much! ❤️ 💖 ❣️ 💕 💘

[@LorenSnow]

Yay :)

[@quijybojanklebits8750]

Autistic(Asperger's Syndrome) here and yup i can read emotions, i have issues with rejection and lose identity when rejected in a relationship. I lose my mind at times. Im 36 and feel like im at the end and want to at times end it. Ita not a possibility fpr me tp harm myself due to the hurt for me to contemplate the effects my mom or cousin would feel. I live for others and i enjoy being here for others and love the feeling i get helping people even if i lose them in the process(cpr us a bitch when its a loved one and you lose them) Im sadly a genius in the 145 iq range and have Autistic traits. Id rather be average and just complacent in my life. Im not average nor am i dumb, i played dumb in school to fit in but pushed it to hard and was the weird kid.

[@FreakHarryPotter]

Oh, how I sometimes wish my autism didn't exist. Harrowingly, I sometimes wish I didn't exist.

[@samsicles_jr]

this is such a fantastic description of this

[@WoohooliganComedy]

Thanks, Loren. 💖

[@ingridc0ld]

I feel like this is the root of my ptsd

[@TheRealLucifer-Morningstar]

I think you described me perfectly, now i wonder how to change this about me

[@LorenSnow]

There’s many ways. For me it was time and me nurturing better communication in myself to others of my needs.

[@BoReads]

Very common in PDAers as well.

[@ChargedTTq]

Yep. That's me. And I've spun my life out into nothing. I have no identity. Just a thrall to this society and the unbending laws of nature. Unable to live, but unable to die.

[@rnbsteenstar]

Add the disorganized or preoccupied attachment style.

[@diffrens]

Omg.. Im almost 40 and im now figuring this rsd thing out.

[@Smart-Skippy]

So Fkn true! I've got ADHD but not on the spectrum... AFAIK. betrayed by my partner on the night I had planned to propose, my world fell apart . I nursed her through cancer, put my life on hold and got Fkd over big time. For two years, I've tried to get up and get back..... Now I'm about to turn 60.

[@ianjames3078]

Scarily accurate 😢😢😢

[@stonedsavage7814]

I have both lmao and I told my neighbour that at least she won’t have fleas now that her dog has passed away... yeah that was terrible and my neighbour wanted to murder me

[@lornahay2328]

I totally relate to this.

[@apteryx7080]

my mother would tell me often that i was "showing off" with other kids. It was so confusing to me !

[@tmamone83]

Yyyyyyep! As soon as I started school, all my classmates let me know that there was something wrong with me. Almost daily. As a result, I constantly feel like my friends are secretly judging me.

[@sandfleababe8908]

As someone with ADHD who works clinically with kids on ASD spectrums it is a very relatable feeling for me and gives me insight on my "work babies," thats invaluable to how I help myself and my kiddos! Thank you!!

[@TaKyraMoonlight]

Okay the confusing part to me is that I kind of AM doing it wrong... sooo I’m being rejected for a reason. How do you live with that?

[@brha1979]

Your comment just resonated with me in a BIG way. I literally just learned of the phrase Rejection Sensitive Dysmorphia ten minutes ago and jumped onto KZbin to research it because it described so perfectly how I have felt my entire life. There is a backstory to how I believe I came to be this way, but that’s too long to get into here. What things do you feel you are doing wrong? I feel the exact same. I know I am doing things wrong, but it’s mainly due to nervousness. I’ve always had social anxiety. I’m WAY better at socializing than I used to be, but every so often it creeps up on me and people treat me differently as a result. That’s when the Rejection Sensitive Dysmorphia hits the hardest.

[@juneingram1130]

very well explained

[@laurabretz155]

This is such a fantastic explanation. But how do you cope with those feelings?

[@pierrehecker7198]

I disagree with you. It makes sense, but I have experienced really bad rejection sensitivity before learning how to mask. I have been always very kind and sociable, daring to say that in my child years I didn't need to mask as my impulses where 'acceptable'. I still remember the first time having to deal with RSD, being shocked how un rational my behavior was, but couldn't change it as my emotions where real. I have been looking for help for this for many years, but when I started my journey there was simply not a name for it known by Gp's. I'm glad that we are finding a better understanding of this everyday

[@amandamurray264]

Very relatable

[@elizabethweigle6146]

0:23 I don’t know if I should laugh or cry bc this is already too close to home

[@andyboxish4436]

Sufferers of RSD wreak havoc on their loved ones - constantly causing the very situation they are trying to avoid by overthinking everything and being extremely self-centered. All of this is extremely similar to narcissism tbh. Can someone explain how RSD isn't merely narcissistic injury?

[@marlenapowers478]

Because narcs actually believe they can do no wrong and never say sorry. People with RSD meanwhile might apologize for everything in fear of upsetting others even when they didn’t do anything wrong . Hope that helps.

[@alexanderzurba7680]

I myself am on the spectrum and I really hate when people say NO, that word offends me.

[@user-pt7zn5so6n]

Amen

[@lasshaley]

Truuuuue but what do I do about it is the question (besides go to therapy like what action am I supposed to take to fix this)

[@turtleanton6539]

Yes

[@SD-rm5ty]

Yes this.

[@John-Spartan03]

I have number rejection syndrome

[@LorenSnow]

What’s that?

[@ok_barrett]

Dude where is the line between this and bpd because…? Idk. Same symptoms different diagnosis.

[@shelleycharlesworth5177]

GREAT video ! I think-that my partner has ADHD and RSD. He lacks time management, loses things, procrastinates, over thinks, over talks and is an obsessive perfectionist. But he is not hyperactive. Doesn’t fidget. Can blurt out things & interrupt -at times - but CAN often be a good listener. He CAN focus and he isn’t distracted -once on task-maybe even hyper-focused at times. Yes he is sometimes hyper-focused and sometimes 'spacy'. Zoned out. He is overly sensitive-gets his feelings hurt so easily. For this reason I think he probably also has RSD. He is easily embarrassed. Gets angry or has an emotional outburst when he feels like someone has ‘disrespected’ him. He sets high standards for himself and when he can’t meet them he gets very discouraged with himself. Shuts down. Sulks. Tells himself he is a victim. Boo-hoo!! He can make an issue out of the slightest thing and I keep telling him that everything can NOT be "a thing" ! I say let this thing GO it’s not worth obsessing about. You are just upsetting yourself. I think he also has RRE -which is recognition responsive euphoria. Thrives on recognition. Needs a lot of praise & validation. I get stressed wondering what will upset or disappoint him each day-? Jesus! Exhausting because he gets his feelings hurt so easily-over nothing!! Embarrasses me with his outbursts at times and inappropriate anger. Overwhelmed by things..starts things-piano lessons, building a greenhouse and then no follow through- doesn’t finish. Gives up! Things pile up in a cluttered disorganized mess all around him. Hyper focused at times. When working outside. Inconsistent at times.

[@QT-oc9rn]

I feel sorry for your man, he needs therapy and what's also important... He needs a loving partner. You seem to be obsessed with his negative traits and don't talk about his good sides at all. Are you even loving him anymore? You sound like a frustrated parent at most. That's not the partner people with Adhd need. And you being embarrassed and him sensing that you are embarrassed and not compassionate about him and your relationship makes rsd so much worse...

[@shelleycharlesworth5177]

@@QT-oc9rn Oh he has many good qualities or I would not still be here with him. He's creative- artistic-can draw and execute wonderful landscape designs. He loves animals. He has a good sense of humor and he can be outgoing and super friendly to people when he's in a good mood. He was seeing a therapist during pandemic but she wasn't trained in CBT which is what he needs. I got him to agree to try DMAE. As for being embarrassed by his outbursts- hard to be otherwise when, for example, he YELLS in a public place and other turn and look at us.

[@random55912]

100% me

[@rmd6502]

This is my biography

[@bleachedout805]

I have this and I'm pretty sure I dont have ADHD. I don't think I have autism. But rejecting my sister is an opportunity is to fix this for myself. She has ADHD so I'm a actually happy to know me cutting her cancerous influence from my life is hurting her a bit too. She'll get over it. She only pretended to see value in me to make other people around her think she was the good sister.

[@marlenapowers478]

So bpd and autism just be the same thing 😮

[@sammorrison8042]

Holy shit

[@LorenSnow]

😮

[@Novastar314]

Omg T.H.A.N.K. Y.O.U

[@LorenSnow]

I’m glad it helps :)

[@tamelashafer8852]

💜♾🙏🏼🕉

[@sampsonraysimon]

Holy sh*t...

[@LorenSnow]

Ah… does it all sound familiar?

[@ranc1977]

@@LorenSnow Symptoms of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (when criticism hurts) - Being easily embarrassed - Heightened fear of failure - Unrealistically high expectations for self - Assuming people don't like you - Avoiding social settings - Perfectionistic tendencies

[@tonymckeown5393]

Wow all I have to say is in the comments already made. I am startled by the crowd of like-brained people. So again I say Wow lots of us...

[@Stormbrise]

Why the use of pronoun of him/his/he and masculine. There should not be masculine traits or female traits because that is causing a false dichotomy when it is a spectrum and that peoples traits that they present are also on a spectrum.

[@shinygiveaways1920]

He might be coming at it from a personal experience

[@andyboxish4436]

cringe

[@anonpsude281]

cringe