Autistic Masking in Females: My Experience

I wanted to share some about autistic masking in females and share some of my personal experience with it. I originally was going to make this solely about the behavior modeling aspect of it, but realized it fell under masking and decided to start here.
I hope this helps you understand a bit more about it and maybe relate if you are also a female on the spectrum. Hope you enjoyed!
This video is also shared on my website here: www.stephaniebethany.com/blog... to help those who process better with a text format. Regardless, this is my original content and my own personal experiences and examples.
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[@katnoto8993]

Anyyone else get low-key bullied but didn't know they were getting bullied until like years later? Or one time, getting flirted with and not realising for like a decade. I think I was lucky I was so clueless if I had realised I was being bullied I would have gotten self conscious and antisocial. Instead I was just a airhead. Its hard to bully someone who doesn't get that they should be upset...

[@kamiliajohnson7430]

I look back at someone I used to be friends with and wonder if she wasn't just mocking me at times.

[@KP-ek9ok]

@@kamiliajohnson7430 I have 2 ‘family’ members who would get together and subtly mock me. For the longest time I thought only one of them had bad intentions, but now I realize it was both. Totally humiliated and enraged. Will never see or speak to either one again

[@cosmicorinne]

Yep, I was seen as ditzy and weird and like the *gullible* kid or airhead of the AP and advanced courses I was in. I realized literally a decade later that actually people were laughing at me and not with me. In a lot of circumstances. But thankfully, I thought I was in on the joke so I didn’t *feel* like I was being bullied unless it was very blunt and outright. I just realized looking back like, oopsies misread a whole LOT of that.

[@amachine6556]

Yes…idk why people do this tbh, it feels really bad thinking about that now. I think these people were just around me to make themselves feel better bc there was someone „worse“ to look down to or be superior to…humans 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@badumtsss5691]

The thing you said about being first in a line... I'm exactly the same, whether it's a buffet, a funeral, at school, while getting food, at some administrative place... I always let someone go first so I know what to do by watching them. I knew it was an odd thing to do I just never knew why

[@jeroylenkins1745]

I called it pretending to be a person when I was growing up

[@criticalmaz1609]

Your user-name actually made me laugh... in 2020 of all years. Thank you.

[@caramelfrapz]

Finally found a video describing masking the way I relate to it, I didn’t think I was a masker because I always thought it meant like observing others and lITERALLY making a list in your head on what to copy but no, your unaware of it when it happens, you pay attention to the way others react to things and use it for later interactions, I feel like I do this, and it’s to the point where I don’t even know how to be myself because I don’t even know where myself is? It’s like I spent my whole life trying to figure out how to not look awkward to others with many trials and errors and now I’m a total embodiment of everything I’ve seen others do that make them normal and not weird, I feel like a robot, sometimes I get anxious about whether I smiled hard enough in a convo or looked sad enough for someone who might be crying about something. The tiniest interactions are so overwhelming like- I’m not diagnosed yet but I really feel like I might be on the spectrum

[@piro_the_cat]

It's difficult to stop masking. In my experience being extremely tired helped me to difference what things was hard for me to do (I hope you dont have to get at that limit). I been trying to say what I mean instead to act physically (saying things like: "Hey, I'm not sure of what are you trying to say to me, please, can you say it using oters words or being more directly?", "I know you fell sad right naw, if you need something you can tell me and if you need me to stay I can stay warever you want. It may seem like I don't care but please, belive in my words", "Oh, I don't understand why that is funny, can you splain it to me?", "Thank you, I get it, I might not been lauging but it was funny", "Hey, you know what? naw I'm smiling inside, dont mind my rude (?) face please, is only the face I do when I dont put energhy in the muscles of my face", "I dont win nothing liying to you so please belive in what I say and not in what my body seams not to say", etc.) Triying the intern exercise of questioning what fells fine and what fells an effort (little or big) is esier everytime. Try to letting other people know what happen inside of you like you wish the others do. It's difficult, I know, I'm trying my best to be more me and less not me, it's a long way. I hope you will be fine. PD: sorry if my english is not the best, it's my third lenguage and some times I strugled writting.

[@christiantaylor1495]

thats called normal socialisation of neurotypicals. if i't not making a conscious list, its called "you aren't autistic"

[@caramelfrapz]

@@christiantaylor1495 I never said I was? I said “I feel like I might be” I’ve been diagnosed with adhd (so no, I’m not neurotypical) and I’ve always felt like there’s more going on than just adhd (I’m actually getting screened soon to make sure) I was just saying I relate to this, if u read my comment I explained that growing up I took what I saw others doing and acted the way they did to better fit in, it’s kinda worked? I forgot to say that this led to really bad moments where I said some weird things at terrible times because I heard others say it, and currently I don’t feel like myself around others because of it, i mostly feel like an amalgamation of everything I’ve seen, no I did not make a mental list in a literal sense but I did it subconsciously like practicing convos in my head and crap, saying things I heard on tv and from old friends I had. Yet I still feel disconnected in social interactions, there’s something blocking me socially and I still can’t pinpoint what it is that’s all.

[@Psykobarbi]

I've known I'm autistic for a couple years now, but I just learned the term "masking." It's so interesting to have a name for something I've been doing my whole life. And it is SO exhausting.

[@jacquelinehill8312]

yes, asking makes sense now exhausting, not diagnosed but fit a lot of traits

[@janosk8392]

I do relate to this - often wonder how 'normal' folk know how to respond, and do they also know how irrational those responses appear to some others. I have no diagnosis but am over 60 and been 'odd' all my life.

[@stvbrsn]

Deborah Engman ridiculously exhausting. And, just go ahead and try to explain to an NT why it’s so exhausting. Go right ahead. You will be banging your head against the wall in five minutes...and not as a stimming activity.

[@jefletch2]

@@janosk8392 I'm 73 and just learning what it all meant/means... difficult, exhausting to be me, esp. when ppl imply "why can't you just be different than you are "... I'm with you Janos, know what you mean, same here....

[@AspergerspluschristianBlogspot]

I used to watch ants on the playground, which I found WAY more fun than dodge ball. After we were all grown up, one of the dodge-ball girls messaged me to apologize for making fun of me in school. I barely remembered what she was talking about, and she had felt guilty for about a decade. I lived in my own fantasy world. The Bible said, "Go to the ant, thou sluggard. Consider her ways, and be wise." So I did. Simple as that.

[@StephanieBethany]

That's awesome - wish I could handle being around ants to watch them that long, if they got near me I would freak out haha

[@jam7453]

Good for her & good for you. At least she had enough courage & mind enough to apologize for not understanding your behavior. And hey, watching ants could be much more interesting than socializing with other people. Humanity could learn from ants. Look at how well they work together for the colony. All without ever being able to verbally communicate.

[@EnderTheBender64]

@@StephanieBethany I was- am bullied in middle school *verbally*

[@mariamurphy4631]

I enjoyed watching ants. I was able to use my imagination and view the world from their perspective. Blades of grass, stems, flowers, concrete, ice cream became more interesting and alive to me.

[@ChatMort69420]

I’ve been masking so well that several years ago I was failing the little informal screenings you can take online. I had fooled even myself into thinking that I wasn’t doing these things, because they’re so second nature to me after years of having to do them. Now I’m almost 27 and I’m finally going through the screening process with a really good psychologist. What you said about faking laughter in conversation to seem normal really resonated with me. Sensory overload in even very normal situations is so exhausting to me that, looking back, I don’t think I was masking as well as I thought I was. Some of my friends started to get angry with me over the years because they thought I was being fake or because I felt like I was too smart to be entertained by them or something. I was trying as hard as I could to act normal and be accepted, but people who knew me could tell the difference between genuine amusement and me tiredly struggling to seem engaged. Something I read is that many autistic people feel like they’re performing on a stage at all times and are hyper-aware of their bodies. I definitely relate to you not knowing how to act in certain situations and wanting someone else to go first to mimic. For a while I was terrified I was a psychopath because I mimic people so much, even though I knew I had empathy so intense that it’s unbearable some days. It’s so frustrating to be aware of yourself and the space you take up at all times but it still doesn’t help you be more coordinated and able to get out of the way. I apologize for rambling, but this video resonated with me a lot.

[@ariesx6515]

Thank you for your comment. I often get imposter syndrome talking to caregivers or physicians about my Aspergers. Really relating to your words makes me feel like „coming home“ to a save space. Sorry for the dramatic phrasing. I‘m actually in tears of relief right now.

[@jefletch2]

thank you for posting this vid...I'm 73 yrs old and lately found out "I'm not the only one" I'm not alone in this... talking too loud, too long, how to act, not fitting in, always alone as a kid and now... at least it's a comfort to know I'm not the only one and have company in this struggle

[@ellie9295]

I was diagnosed 3 weeks ago and I'm 33 years old. I didn't understand that I was different when I was younger. I have masked a long time without knowing that I do it. I think I'm good at it because many of my autistic trades my husband never seen. We have been toghter for 13 years. I need to remind myself to ask other people how they are and ask all the questions that you should ask.

[@CatJackon]

It is so nice to know that I'm not a freak or the only person who doesn't understand many "social conventions" like, "How are you?" as a person walks past you. I love and hate taking walks because of this very conundrum. People tend to be very friendly in North Carolina so when I moved here I had to learn to make eye contact when walking to see if they expected me to say hi or not. So nerve wracking and exhausting.

[@DiariesofaDisabledmom]

I was diagnosed at 7 and didn't come out of my own world and learn to mask until highschool lol I get confused when they say how are u and keep walking like why ask then lol

[@EnderTheBender64]

I was diagnosed with autism at 6 years old and now I'm 12

[@daniellerose3955]

Thank you so much for this. This is how I've always been and I never knew what it was. I always felt like I was a bad person and wanted to disappear, but now I know there's people out there that had the same exact struggles I did and I feel so much less hopeless.

[@lsmith992]

I'm 66, never been diagnosed although I've tried. Once told I'm not because I can be empathic. I KNOW I'M AUTISTIC.

[@piro_the_cat]

Why people still believing autism and empathy are not compatible?! My empathy works wrong sometimes but I still having it and most of the time is more stronger than in nt persons. I hope you find help, you deserve it.

[@themoonlit-wolf3773]

I FELT when you described the type of bullying we go through

[@mamasmurfieperson]

My daughter has been masking for about 11-12 years. She just turned 15. Anyway, I told her she doesn’t have to wear a mask. I want her to be her, do her thing... so now I’m starting to get used to her stims again because I haven’t seen them since she was little. Anyway, we’re anxiously awaiting the results of her testing. She wasn’t diagnosed back then because they didn’t “want to label her”. I have found that going along with that, they denied her the help she’s needed for the past 15 years. Anyway... please be yourself. God made you the exact way He wanted you to be...🤗

[@stvbrsn]

mamasmurfieperson I very much agree with you. I’m 51, diagnosed a couple years ago, but only now coming to terms with how I’ve been masking my whole life. Without knowing it. It can be pretty scary to be 50 and not have clear idea who you really are. I want to be transparent to myself. Just a note on your final sentiment. I happen to agree, but I can’t pass up a chance for a little humor. If god made us the way he wanted us... it can only mean that he’s NT. If god was Aspie and created me “in his own image” then he would have supplied me with instructions. That’s all we need. Instruction.

[@x_x-dm2lk]

the world needs more parents as accepting, encouraging & embracing of their child's self-discovery as you are. it needs people to develop to their individual full potential, not be trying to reshape themselves to match up to an "average person" image.

[@momoso143]

I still find it hard to be "me" and i have a suspicion that i have some form of autism...i feel fake when Im with others and always speak about the struggle of being "me" its challenging and depressing not feeling like Im reaching my true self. Maybe I am? Who knows...

[@jvrock7]

@@momoso143 same

[@Bat_Fiend.]

This might sound weird but this is an aspect of my experience with masking . It's very important to bring this topic up for others so maybe they can understand, so it's good that you did . I think masking is a very big reason why social burnout happens and while it's very helpful for us it's also very tiering. It can also lead to misunderstandings in my experience because it gives people a certain perception/expectation of you that you might not be able to live up to. What I mean is that they might precieve you as this social bubbly person when that's not you all the time, because you were just acting "socially acceptable" for that particular situation. Then when they're later talking to you in a different situation you're acting differently and they get confused. You're not being fake you're just adapting to the situation and the people surrounding you, and to people who don't know you that can be confusing to them and frustrating to you. At the same time it is something that helps us navigate socially.

[@StephanieBethany]

Absolutely! I remember someone suggesting that I was being fake, but to me it is as if I am genuinely forcing myself to be this person in social settings... whereas I assume people being fake on purpose have some sort of malicious intent? Anyway, thanks for sharing!

[@chrissame]

My God, “adapting to the situation” you just spoke about me.

[@HarrietFitzgerald580]

Caroline yes, constantly adapting! At my assessment I was told I have bpd, as I presented fairly neurotypically I suppose and female autistic traits were dismissed as being bpd. So disappointing.

[@ChatMort69420]

Exactly! Every once in a while, I have the energy to act really comfortable and graceful and just ... normal. There are other times when I’m just so mentally exhausted that I don’t have the strength to. I have no idea what people think of that, because I actively avoid learning what other people think of me, haha. I’d rather not know.

[@AlixHallow]

It's so freaking hard. I've been on social burnout for months after learning I'm on the spectrum. So when I see even my closest friends I am really quiet. Sometimes it is so hard to say anything. I don't want to force myself, but also want friendships to stay alive and for me to not be totally mute.

[@jademadina]

I was diagnosis last year age 61. It all made sense. Now I know I'm an open book. My family don't Beleive me. They r all older.

[@jefletch2]

I'm 73... my family can't understand and really don't want to "why can't you just be different than you are", not valued, not accepted, agree, now it all makes sense that I've found others with same struggle

[@sandrograu1353]

It's better being akward and being yourself than trying to do what others do and feeling bad at your inside

[@doggiegaming759]

I am a male but I did masking too. It was like I tried to socialize but got very bad experience so i avoided it for long but then I started to observation, analysis and mimicking. I even sometimes used my autism as a form of humor. But masking doesn't works always.

[@insertname1857]

i'm quite concerned and trying to get my therapist to listen and test me for the spectrum. i'm concerned because i've been diagnosed with OCD, but treatment has done... nothing. i have sensory issues and those are the biggest part of OCD- so i think there may be more to it. i like bouncing and rocking, it gives a good sensation if that makes sense?? but i don't do anything in public. i know its "wrong." i think i know how to be social though? but i also know i've done "weird" things. i was talking, following my friend and talking to her (now i know it was at her and she wanted me to leave) and suddenly she told me to stop and i was saying something rude. literally didnt understand why. i overtalk a lot, and i recognise it though. i know i can talk for hours about whatever i've been researching for the past month, and people have to tell me to stop. its just too cool to not share to others! i get so caught up and obsessed with something (genuinely obsessed, like i spend all my waking hours on it to the point i fall behind in school, every thought is consumed by that thing- usually a tv show or a character). but i dont think i'm "bad" at socialising. i can get by. i'm really awkward, but i can usually hold a conversation. i need someone else to start it, but. but then sometimes i'm in a conversation and i feel so out of place. or i answer rhetoric questions and my friend has to tell me "you didnt need to answer it" and then i look like an idiot in front of everyone. or it took me 3 years of therapy to figure out how to express my feelings in words instead of grunts and hand movements. i feel best when i'm acting, because its a comfort to pretend to be someone else- it feels safe. i only have 2 best friends and i met them through an old best friend i met through my mom... when i was 8. i haven't made any more friends since i was probably 10. everyone else i'm "friends" with feels very superficial. idk. i dont really think i could be on the spectrum- i'm idk too good at conversation. just not on deep topics. but i took a screener and scored a 32, meaning i have a possibility and i should see a therapist about it to figure out if i do or not, so i'm going to address it to my doctor and just hope i stop getting brushed off by every single person i speak to about it "because i can maintain eye contact." sorry for unloading i've never done that before. 😬

[@Magastube]

insert name you sound interesting - and maybe they are all boring maybe you r the normal one ☝️ just with lots of interests and things to chat about !

[@savannahclemmons1250]

I feel the exact same way! I really want to get tested but I'm too scared to even ask my mom to see a Therapist :(

[@Shaethefoxie]

I'm 28 with 3 kids and am just now thinking that I might have it. I have always felt like genuine communication was really hard. I have always been in my own head and I use to spend more time listening to music on my headphones than any other activity. I feel like this video really describes a lot of how I feel in my day to day.

[@NeurodiverJENNt]

You hit the nail on the head when you talked about over analyzing your bodies existence within a space. It's exhausting

[@cowsonzambonis6]

I never thought of asking my husband to do something first as masking, but I totally do it to see what he does/what’s okay 😳 This is why I’m so grateful for everyone who is willing to share their story- I would never be able to figure myself out otherwise! Thank you!!

[@karenlockridge7392]

Yes! I am so like that! I always want to go after someone. Never first. I noticed I started copying the other girls in the 4th grade. I'm only diagnosed with ADHD and depression, but I believe I'm autistic as well.

[@chrissame]

I relate to masking unconsciously, makes a lot of sense. Sometimes it’s just so good if you can just observe and copy and know one knows a thing! After masking for so many years I’ve come to a point where I’m very happy socially and cope well. It’s more off the cuff situations that worry me to this day a bit. Iv been there, that not knowing what to do, it’s a horrible feeling.

[@jannettb7930]

I'm 40. I've been diagnosed with bipolar, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, adult ADD, generalized anxiety disorder, ocd, more, and I always thought how screwed up am I that I have all these things?? I've been watching videos about female autism lately and omg this is me. All that other stuff never really fit, they kept having to add more things to explain other behaviors. In the last 5 years I just realized that I'm not as socially 'chameleon' (as I think of it) as I thought. I always say I may not be normal but I know what normal looks like, but I'm realizing I don't. I just never had friends long enough to tell me I don't. Like when someone says something not true and I explain the reality and they laugh awkward and walk away, it's because it was a joke, not because they're uncomfortable that I'm smarter or know more about the subject. I'm still wrapping my head around that. I thought jokes were stupid knock knocks or random guys walking into a bar, puns (which I love to a ridiculous level). I have no idea where to go from here

[@maggierestivo5256]

Thank you so much for this! I am older than you by a few decades, and never diagnosed. I have been feeling for a few years that I am ADHD, but it's only in the past few months, after listening to a few videos, that I am pretty certain I am on the spectrum. (You mentioned "not knowing where your body is in space", that has always been a big problem for me. (And being psychic, but that's a whole 'nother animal.) I subscribed, and can't wait to learn more. (I was a preacher's kid, so I got what you are saying, about Church. No longer a Christian, but I do remember what it was like.) Again, thank you so much!

[@alexrose20]

I don't know how to unmask. I don't know how different I would be if I did unmask. I don't have any stims that are super out of the ordinary. But I have anxiety whenever I am around people and I am super hyper aware of myself in public. I just try to go through all the social cues and not put attention on myself.

[@taralilarose1]

23 is not late dear....try 60!!!

[@JaneLeslieHoward]

Me too. Just turned 64.

[@Dancestar1981]

Mama Tara I was diagnosed at 23 as well

[@j.c.3879]

Late 57 😒

[@marykyle6611]

I am 60- not diagnosed- but absolutely sure of being ASD. I'm just grateful that I now know WHY I have lead the life I have. BTW Getting a diagnosis is so involved and expensive for someone who has barely been able to survive at all, (or at least feels like that) its a joke. super frustrating- which for someone on the spectrum is not conducive. Feels impossible.

[@EnderTheBender64]

@@marykyle6611 hi

[@JXLTD]

"Embrace the uniqueness of autism. It is not a disability, it's a different ability."

[@troymann5115]

When I was little my parents would tell me not to rock, and later I learned to hide hand flaps by turning them into a little arm or eye twitch. It is really amazing to hear all these experiences by autistic females because many of those ring true for me. Things such as masking, shutdowns over meltdowns, and just people fatigue. However I only recently looked up what masking was all about because I thought it was a social justice keyword. Hows that for being soically clueless? lol.

[@beetl_3]

i'm currently seeking a diagnosis ( on a waitlist for a test! ) and this video felt somehow so personal i started crying while listening to it. thanks for speaking about your experience, it's nice to hear that other people feel the same way.

[@erika9353]

Hey I also diagnosed myself at 23. Another female who slipped through the cracks here.. Had to help myself the whole way.

[@rudyescobar7071]

My wife was diagnosed at 37 years old, and I've seen her masked side and her at home. HUGE differences which lead me to ask why there was such a disparity from what I saw in her past, and what I see now. I see her genuine side and love it. You mask really well, but when I saw a video of you and your husband, his description of you at times lines up with what my wife does. I could then picture what your unmasked self would be like.

[@harmonyhope1709]

Can relate to ALL of this! Such hard work!!!!! So exhausting!!! ❤️

[@RainbowLuce]

This is really helpful, thank you. I was recently diagnosed & I've not been sure if I mask & have been looking for info on unconscious masking. I get worried that I'm not valid/they've misdiagnosed me because I can't seem to click with lots of other autistic people's experiences or how they describe things, but listening to this has helped in terms of the masking. I think I must definitely mask - & that a lot of it is unconscious. I don't remember doing it & people talk about copying & I don't think I've done that deliberately or consciously studied other people, but there are definite examples of me having done it regardless. I definitely do the thing with following other people when I can too, which I never considered could be linked to autism, but it makes a lot of sense. I also feel super awkward & worry that I'm in the way a lot, & ugh I hate the walking how are you too! They just carry on & I never know whether/how I'm meant to answer because they don't even pause lol. Thank you so much for this.

[@lmal71]

Thanks! I just realized, that my habit to start suddenly dancing, making faces and strange singing to myself and other people while at home, are actually stims and not some kind of artistic side of my identity. As well of daydreaming of doing somersaults and acrobatic stars (really strong feeling that I need to do it)

[@milkywilky1088]

My father was diagnosed at 55. He is high functioning, which I am thankful for (as I don’t want him to suffer with difficulties too strongly). His parents didn’t take notice with the difficulties he had, and so was diagnosed late. In all his life, he had to experience things by himself. I, myself, was diagnosed with Aspergers at 11.

[@piro_the_cat]

I feel everyone of your words. Thank you for putting this out.

[@SparklingsPlayground]

Hi :) This is the first video of yours I've seen and I'm loving how explanatory it is. On the practice of people asking "how are you" when moving in the other direction - they're just rude (or sometimes just socially gauche) and that's awkward for anyone interested in a less than insolent interaction. But I think being neurodivergent sometimes means diagnosing 'superiority' or rudeness on the part of others takes longer, so there can be an added inconsiderateness or disrespect there, in doing this kind of thing. Anyway I now look forward to exploring more of your vids.

[@julieseth163]

Thank you for sharing

[@01302]

I'm new to knowing I have high functioning autism, I've never heard of masking, but it's so me!! I'm shocked by your video to realise that other people aren't acting!!!

[@StephanieBethany]

Right??

[@01302]

@@StephanieBethany thanks for taking the time to make these videos, they're real eye openers & helping me lots. :)

[@StephanieBethany]

@@01302 I'm glad they're useful!

[@nancywysemen7196]

Relates! Thank-you.

[@noor-5187]

Your videos are so relatable. I already took so many notes, your examples help me to remember things from my own life cause they sound so familiar. I'm planning to use those notes when I go for the diagnose. (I hope they let me talk rather than only yes/no-questions. I'm so bad at those. To me everything 'depends' and has to have a context before I know how to answer. In my head 'yes' means literally 'every time' and 'no' means 'never'...which is just not correct, so I hate to use those terms. Thank u! X

[@houseofawriterjeanine8085]

I can totally relate to all of this. Great video Stephanie. 😊

[@StephanieBethany]

Thanks! ❤

[@RatsPicklesandMusic]

I have the exact same experience with the "how are you?" question! Also I related to your childhood experience!

[@jamie9399]

Stephanie just explained a lot of the world to me, even if I'm not autistic. Thumbs up.

[@eroane]

OMG!! My mom knew I was autistic when I was 6 years old…she made sure my teachers knew about it too…Masking sucks as I have grown up with it which masking while working except at breaks at work…I work at a job for disabled employees…It does help and yet it doesn’t depending on my moods and how my work mornings go and even though I need that stimming power when the feeling is just as intense as anyone whom craves their smoking breaks(my own analogy)…I’m right there with you and all I can say is: Screw normalcy and HappyStimming❤❤❤❤ PS~ I rocked before I could even walk as a baby…❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@caitlinliebenberg8009]

I think you're now my special interest. Thank you.

[@DolceSuono9]

I'm hearing Urkel in my head asking, "did I do that?" The answer is yes, yes I did, and yes I do.

[@jasminewilliams1002]

Thank you is all I can say for you making this video! As a person with autism myself I wanted to know if I was the only one with these behaviors in particular!

[@mooreanonumbers]

The part about stimming hits close to home

[@jockrot-fixit719]

Thank you! I enjoyed this video. Its getting increasingly exhausting at work and i may have to quit.Because Im sick of pretending and Im overloaded. Im 38 yrs old and i dont fit in anywhere. Im not even diagnosed but Im completely certain.. Im not a girl either. Its getting harder as i get older. Im getting more sensitive to sounds , lights,places and people. I need a break.

[@jacquelinehill8312]

thank you xx

[@n.c.6211]

Thank you!!! 💕 I would always copy others and actors, now I have mastered this skill to the extent that I don't know what I would do! Got tired of putting on a show and ready to be me. I fell you! Oh, when I study I bite my hands and I get frustrated when I'm at the library cause I feel I'm supposed to look like a statue or something.

[@freya7084]

Late? I’ve been diagnosed this week. I’m 38 :) I was labelled BPD for years

[@michelleflores8072]

Hello, I'm 34 and I'm going to my 1st visit to get evaluated and the end of this month . I'm worried though I know having a label will help me as far as accomadations but on the other hand I'm scared they will tell me I limited as far as career goals . I say this because I'm looking into going to college but now I'm wondering if my dream will be squashed or be told to not even bother with it . How has it been for you since your diagnosis ( I known all my life I'm different but to actually get the diagnosis seems so different if that makes any sense )

[@faybelle2991]

Unfair, they have me "diagnosed" wrongly multiple times over by multiple idiots.

[@ready7248]

I do that stuff too.

[@titok49]

great stuff

[@Jaichbinhier]

That video just makes my heart go out and sympathize with you. I don't quite see the "female" aspect to all this; then again, I'm new At learning about how Autism/Asperger's works in different people. I relate more on a "human that sometimes must conform when not desired" level. (Also, if you're ever bored, I released a recap video Looking at my first year having a KZbin channel.)

[@StephanieBethany]

The female part is just that autism/aspergers presents pretty differently in females rather than males, so just in case I add that there in the case that it doesn't relate as much to males. Also, females tend to be much better at masking than males. And I'll have to check it out!

[@JoshuaTheTransitProdigy]

It's also because men are easier to diagnose than women. I want to learn how though however I didn't get diagnosed until I was 20. I hate that nobody considered to get me checked based upon my behavior growing up.

[@Bat_Fiend.]

Why this is more prevalent in females on the spectrum isn't known because most widespread and big studies on the topic has been done predominantly on males. Now I'm not stating this as a fact just speculating it could have something to do with that typically girls are more concerned with other people's opinions about them. As a female on the spectrum I can say that masking is something I do in most if not all social situations. But then again it's a spectrum and everyone is different.

[@teaartist6455]

Because it's far more common for females to pull off "well" and "quickly" enough to fly under the radar. I suppose it may have something to do with girls generally maturing a little quicker and with the different social expectations (not socializing much is interpreted as being shy and such, not as not knowing how to, later difficulties may be handwaved as "quirkiness" and such). Not that men never mask or are never "successful" in hiding before they are found but it's not as common. Some studies even suggest that females with autism aren't actually 1 in 5 but that our symptoms are less understood and that we manage to mask better. Maybe psychologists often dismiss the diagnosis before even testing since "girls (almost) never have it" making it a vicious (?or good depending on where you life and what parents you have I suppose) cycle. And yes, I've managed to meet a guy that probably has it but managed to mask and partially hide behind his ADHD diagnosis, it's not impossible, just not as common.

[@FirstmaninRome]

Yeah, I do a lot mimicking, and I can blend, but like in grade school this was comedy and sitcom jokes that got laughs but got me in a lot of trouble. Its unnatural to me conversations a little, but more importantly not fun and kinda draining. I also find maybe the boys want to be like different that's what gets them in trouble, nobody gets my sense of humor. Love the video

[@StephanieBethany]

At least you got laughs I guess? Lol and thanks for sharing!

[@flikkeringlightz7472]

I remember reading this "trick" to make people do something in a lot of stories and one day tried it on my sister. She flipped out, would not stop crying and my mom just was just "why would you do something like that to your sister!?". And tried to explain "it always works in books" and stuff, apologising. I was 12 and my sister 9 and since it didn't work I can't even remember what the "trick" was. That is one of the couple of instances I deliberately tried masking. Come to think about it, the other times too ended up with my sister crying...

[@alanaglickman5358]

Yesss this is spot on!

[@vazzaroth]

WTFFF this is the 2nd video of yours that is blowing my mind. I'm a man but I've long felt like I have "female autism" presentation. Memories of being teased by older kids on the bus trying to goad me to say that I like or find certain girls attractive so they can laugh at me. (Idk, is it NOT autistic if I knew that's what they wanted me to do so I didn't?) Your section about how people aren't acting all the time made me stop while I was preparing my lunch and say "WAIT WHAT!" THere are things I do alone, only alone. Even my wife hasn't seen. And I'm starting to think... are these stims the whole time? I've never done them around other people, but I've done them my entire life. They aren't the typical ones, so idk. I DO have a serious leg shaking issue, but I kind of chalked that up to ADHD. That part about being concerned about your body's location in space constantly is just... holy shit is that my life. I hate leaving the house becuase of this. I feel like I have to have eyes on the back of my head to walk around a target or something. I am always glancing over my shoulder to check to make sure I'm not blocking someone by being slow or in the way. I glance to get a 360 degree awareness around before I move my arms to anywhere besides directly in front of me. I'm turning on my super-hearing and perception to try to get audio hints about the areas I can't see. I don't like being in a place where I can't monitor who comes and goes and how close they are to me. (or are looking at me, that's a big one.) The thing about needing someone to go to the buffet first, in particular is SO TRUE! I ABHOR being first to do literally anything. As a 30yr old man, I feel like I've done enough normal things that I don't have that hang up as often, but if I encounter anything new, I'm straight up crippled. I've had to be escorted away by my wife before because she was telling me to "just go do that" enough, yet my mind and body was saying NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE! to the point where I was just frozen until I started crying a little. I thought I was just a little extra weird, but do "normal" people NEVER have those issues?! I assumed everyone did, mine were just the ones I got to see and maybe I was a little more fragile than most, so that's why it seemed to happen often.

[@ozgebengu978]

When I was a child, I assumed that everyone but me is a robot since they always know what to do or not, but then when I grew older, I started to think that I am the one being a robot because if I don't have a knowledge about what kind of behaviour I should apply in the situation, I don't function at all like my brain gives this warning: 404 Not Found. Just like a computer: if the info is in my system, I function .

[@flikkeringlightz7472]

I remember in high school psychology class when the teacher spoke of social skills. How you learn them and what happens if you don't. And I was 1000% sure she was looking at me while telling about the last part and I felt soo small wondering if it was that obvious I lack social skills... Praying others haven't noticed. I think, i have learnt a mask in which I deliberately act goofey so much people can see it's an act so when I am being wierd on "accident" they don't think twice about it. I don't know if it has worked or not.

[@MiotaLee]

got my diagnose when I was 21. Feels bad man, especially since I have two autistic siblings that got their diagnoses waaaaay before me :/

[@AskUncleDoug]

thanks for sharing this is super helpful. i have almost 20 years working professionally with young people in a variety of secular settings and this is not something that is talked about in a lot of my professional development. i think its great advise to get out in the public. thanks again and keep up the great work.

[@StephanieBethany]

I'm really glad you found it helpful!

[@carolkraus2422]

You are a nice girl. We are all special. Many nuero typical don’t know what to do.

[@Authentically.Autistic]

That’s so funny. I do this all of the time and wonder why it doesn’t go over well with people lol

[@tudormiller8898]

Hi Stephanie. Good video. What was it exactly that made you "weird" at school ? What do you think the kids saw in you that made them think "Stephanie is so weird" ? You mentioned the boy who seemed disgusted when everyone teased him with "You like her, you like her".

[@StephanieBethany]

Honestly, I don't know. It could be my appearance or the way I talked or did things - I dont really know what they saw.

[@tarajiomutelekesya8908]

I know I’m weird but I don’t know , I’m also trying to figure this out , I get bullied a lot with friends and Family.

[@mojojer924]

Great video!!!!!💯💯💯👍👍👍💖❤💜🧡💛💚💙

[@StephanieBethany]

Thanks!!

[@anjachan2]

I like watching people first too. I dont want to make a mistake or my Action taking to long 😅

[@mariamurphy4631]

I still mess up and answer rhetorical questions. Because it is a question! Why ask a question if you don't want an answer?

[@lindajohnson9282]

Everyone in the world “masks”. We’re taught to do it because throwing tantrums in public is not only a bad look, but it’s a shitty way to behave towards anyone. I’m staring down the barrel at 60 and I thought I may have been on the spectrum because I don’t necessarily conform to societal/gender norms. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, just that I’m greater than the sum of my parts. And my new shrink put things back into perspective when I asked him if he thought I was on the spectrum. His considered opinion (he used to be a GP before switching streams) humbled me; he told me of his 19-year-old nephew who was still non-verbal and depended on others to get by for the most basic of tasks. That, he gently put forth, was a person who was autistic, not people who can still function and be independent, even though it is stressful for them. And we all tend to model ourselves on someone, be it a personal hero in our lives (family/friends) or an actor/actress who is pretending to be the kind of person we aspire to be, for the entertainment of others. Those actors aren’t like the characters they portray on film; they, too, are ordinary people each with their own strengths, weaknesses and personal insecurities. I can’t help but feel slighted for those who are truly autistic; the current trend of being “on the spectrum” is truly an insult. If you are able to read, write, speak and do the basics for yourself, consider yourself lucky. Sure, being an outcast is hurtful, and not feeling that you have the confidence to do the things others do really doesn’t make you any different from any “normie”. And I’ll share a secret with you… those “normies” who we perceive as being all that and a bag of potato chips suffer from their own insecurities and put on a show for everyone else, just to make it look like they fit in, too. But their masks seems to be prettier than ours. I really wish people would be more tolerant and kind. The people that are usually on the periphery of society are the ones the majority of people will come to when the shit truly hits the fan and those who are shy, unsure of themselves, don’t feel that they “read” others well - but have their particular passions and interests in life - are the ones whom the “normies” will be seeking out. There is a reason for each and every one of us being the individuals that we are, and that’s my definition of neurodivergent… no two people are the same, nor would we want everyone to be the same. Love yourselves for who you are and what you can bring to the table; no-one is meant to be an expert at absolutely everything which is why we need what you have. You are all beautiful, contributing members of society and you are all REAL; I’d rather live in a world of people like that than the one in which we now live… no-one can live up to the unrealistic expectations put on us all ❤️

[@BarbaraMerryGeng]

Dear Stephanie - Let me reassure you - people don’t worry over things like we do - bc they don’t care that much .. Like we do .. It’s not because they’re better at behaving human . They just don’t think on their behavior, speech, etc.

[@wallcoconut9634]

At my former job my boss would always ask how I was doing & I always responded honestly. He would look at me weird or just kind of keep going & ignore what I said & it always bothered me. If you don't want to know, why ask? My mother always said I should respond when someone asks a question, but then people ask questions they don't want responses to? She said they're being polite. It doesn't feel polite, it feels rude to ask someone something & then not want their actual input.

[@alexrose20]

It's so bizarre to me that ppl don't worry about all those things everytime they're in public and they can just BE

[@HarrietFitzgerald580]

Oh my god the buffet line example!! Yes, copying and mimicking. And thinking that everyone does that, nope just me. 😅 I was assessed recently, but being a female, I suppose I presented in a fairly neurotypical way; masking, although I thought I wasn't really, it's unfortunately become an automatic. After an hour interview, with a resident, I was told I have bpd, which was a previous diagnosis of mine. So disappointed. I even tried to stress how women present differently, get diagnosed with bpd, but I was completely dismissed. It was very traumatizing. I cannot be reassessed in the public health care system. So I will have to go privately, year long wait time and tons of money. Professionals need to get more information on women and masking and special interests, which may present as neurotypical but are super intense.

[@StephanieBethany]

Oh wow - I'm sorry that they dismissed you like that. It's kind of scary that bpd gets diagnosed instead, which wrong treatment could lead to unpleasant things :/

[@HarrietFitzgerald580]

Stephanie Bethany yes realizing that many of my mishaps with mental health professionals in the past are largely due to the fact that I most likely am autistic and no one knew, not even me and so services weren't adapted to help me at all and in fact would make me very ill and I would end up in the hospital, due to massive meltdowns and suicidal thoughts.

[@StephanieBethany]

@@HarrietFitzgerald580 I'm sorry to hear that 😔 I hope the right people will be in charge of your care in the future

[@HarrietFitzgerald580]

Stephanie Bethany for now I'm definitely just being my own advocate. Researching a ton, watching videos. Will be looking into private assessment, long wait period. We will see.

[@cybremystica93]

Ok so my problem is try and mask but I have depression and autism related anxiety so the cracks show through the mask real quick. I was diagnosed aged 3 because I wasn’t walking or talking at 18-20 months, and just wasn’t progressing

[@JillianNoelle]

I always felt different. I never enjoyed being around people or making friends. I haven’t been diagnosed yet but I come across with high functioning autism with all the characteristics. I do all of these things. I copy people and mimicking people

[@refilwemashabela3039]

Do you ever feel like screaming for no reason?

[@JillianNoelle]

Refilwe Mashabela sometimes yes

[@johnna123]

Where can someone in GA get ASD tested when even state Medicaid insurance refuses to pay for it unless you are 22 or under? I’m 41, and can’t afford to pay $1670 for testing but both my kids are diagnosed (1 fully diagnosed and the other halfway through it- he’s older than my daughter so it’s a different kind of testing). I know I am- but can’t receive any resources without an actual diagnosis. It’s so frustrating that adults with state or no insurance can’t afford to be tested without paying cash- but they will cover my children. Age discrimination against the state of GA much? I do t have the fight in me to fight for it because I am terrified and my anxiety and SPD and single parent life is overwhelming. I’ve reached out to many resources but I’m ignored. I’m so tired and lost- I want to give up but I know I need the help.

[@emelie7085]

I relate to a lot of what you mentioned here. I've come to realise that I also follow people. All my life I have felt like I need someone with me in social situations, but I have only recently thought about why and I think it's because I can do what they do. For example I remember going to the hairdresser as a kid and everytime in the middle of my haircut my mom had to go out and move the car, because you were only allowed to park there for 15 minutes at a time. When that happened I was all alone with the hairdresser and it made me get a feeling of panic inside me, because I didn't have my mom there to help me with small talking. It just scared me, but I never said anything about it and I didn't know why. There's also this thing where I literally follow people physically. If I'm at a friends house or at a social gathering etc. I will always follow someone around. It's like I don't know what to do with myself, so just following someone I know feels safe and I know what to do. It does feel kind of awkward sometimes though, but I don't know if other people think about me doing it. Like when I'm in the kitchen with a friend at their house and they for example go from the fridge to the stove, I'll just walk behind them and wait for instructions on what to do. Because of this I also have this fear of being left alone in social situations. I love being alone (when I'm actually alone), but not when I'm around lots of people. I fear that if I get away from the people I'm with, what if I can't find them later and I'm left wandering around not knowing what to do. So it's simply easier to follow people around. I remember a school dance in 9th grade where I was left all alone, because the only "friend" I had left me to be with her boyfriend somewhere else in the building. She said she'd be back in a little while, so I sat on a bench and waited. Then I went on the dance floor and asked a lot of people if they wanted to dance (that's what I thought I should do), but it seemed like that wasn't the right thing to do since everyone I asked either said no and walked away or just ignored me. Maybe there was this unwritten rule that you only dance with people you know? I have no clue. I also realised then and there that people had already planned who they were going to dance with, people they knew from other schools. I didn't know anyone from other schools. This was so embarassing so after several attempts, I just went back to the bench and sat there for the rest of the evening pretending to be texting friends or something. I felt really lost being a new situation (school dance), while also being alone. I also relate to the "being first" thing and I think that has been pretty unconscious for me too. About the stimming: I always thought the opposite, that other people don't do this (which is probably true) and therefore I've hidden it from people (not my immediate family though). I didn't know why I did these things, but they have always been a part of me. I have really understanding and non-judgemental friends now and I still can't stim in front of them. Actually, I think because I have hidden it all my life, that it almost feels unnatural to stim in those situations (at least the "I'm excited" stims). If I'm anxious in public I can always fiddle with things with my hands, which is discrete and I do that sometimes. The more obviously "weird" stims I keep to myself when I'm alone, like hand flapping, smelling my fingers and another tensing body movement for example.

[@StephanieBethany]

YESS! I can relate to those situations so much! Other than the dance thing, just because when I was younger I very much did not have the forethought to do what was socially acceptable when it came to talking to strangers haha.

[@84Steffie]

I can so relate to your experience.

[@MGTOW_Modality]

"They don't worry.."

[@Crimsondream01]

It's not late...I was diagnosed at 38

[@itsmanu994]

Hi! What do you mean by "...literally, physically follow people?" I'm worried with that. I think that's the kind of thing I've been trying to search for but I haven't found anything properly untill now.... Would you please tell more about it? I think I do that and I always wonder why!

[@StephanieBethany]

I'll try to answer you the best I can with the understanding I have of your question. With masking, I tend to find myself following people because otherwise I dont know what to do with myself and sometimes even feel panicked because i dont know where I'm supposed to be or what I'm supposed to be doing. One person on a podcast I listened to recently noted that masking individuals might be seen kind of hovering around people and in groups but they might not necessarily be a real part of it - they are there because they know that's where they should be but not always sure why. I'm not sure if any of that answered your question or not..

[@itsmanu994]

Thank you so much for your reply! Yes, masking is a matter of survival for those on the spectrum, I would say. The opposite is like being put on a stage all of sudden having no idea how to perform - whether you start masking 'whoever' is right in front of you or it's going to be a disaster. Knowing that there is a 'reason why' we behave in such ways is such a relief for most of us who grew up dressed by judgemental's labels that never fitted in and maybe even doubting our own personality... I really like it when those of you who have the chance to be heard out there bring some ASD's particularity because it assures us that we're not alone and I hope that it could give to others a bit of understanding in somehow... Masking is not pretending to be someone else in order to take advantage of any situation. When you say that "you tend to literally and physically follow people", I got it "Literally" like following people on the street or somebody's footsteps and I wonder whether it dwells with Autism. I've heard something about that, that's why I'm kind of asking.

[@jedrashidul6952]

I'm south east Asian & when I was a teen I watched a lot of Hell's Kitchen & House MD. I've wondered for yrs why my colleagues always told me that I speak with a British accent & have a potty mouth & awesome snappy comebacks every fuckin time (I was a teacher at that time, so a lot of my students thought i was funny & relatable af but not to my bosses' amusement obviously) - thanks Gordon/House 😂😂😂

[@Jack-xc2ys]

I can tell doing this video helped you feel better..

[@sugarhardlyknowher]

I had the same type of experience/realization with stimming! If someone ever got upset in front of me, I would think "wow, they have so much more self control than me. They're not on the floor in fetal position rubbing the back of their neck and breathing heavily." I can't believe I didn't realize that I'm autistic until I turned 25 😂

[@sarahb.6475]

Others have seen me as weird my whole life and I never knew why. I had felt like I was walking around with a target on my back or something. And this invisible target made me an actual target for bullies. Or other problems. But I never understood why..what was I doing different? I didn't know! I tried to be honest and good and I did not do a lot of the things others did ... But I swear the moment others just met me they somehow knew! They could see this invisible target! My therapist is starting to diagnose me with autism (Asperger's) and I'm 48. I don't have any problems saying "hi, how are you" as it's just a phrase you are supposed to say. But conversation can be a problem and I don't understand the nonverbal cues. I can talk pretty well if it's facts and info on stuff I know but otherwise I'm in deep trouble! I just don't care about the stuff others do, like sports or going out to eat or some TV show I never heard of...i think I often scare others away by going on and on about certain topics.

[@tinyfreckle]

Omg I HATE when people say "how are ya?" or "how ya going?" as a greeting because of the confusion it creates and I live in NZ so its literally like the national custom. Me just walking through the hall at working past several men with their coffees going "how ya going?" and me frantically trying to get out "I'm-good-how-are-you?" quickly before they walk by. They don't usually answer me :(

[@pauline_f328]

3:30 I hadn't realized I did that, but I do 😳

[@sashaha]

I just realized I mask but idk if its just from my social anxiety or not idk what's wrong w me

[@andgate2000]

I wasn’t aware of my masking. But it apparently took so much mental energy to do...that Sometimes had no energy left to deal with curve balls....which lead to meltdowns. I’m 52...and my girlfriend of 8 years had a daughter I just could not “read”..which lead to conflict/meltdowns.....I no longer live there😩

[@tcat9062]

How does one get diagnosed as an adult?

[@StephanieBethany]

Usually you have to go to your primary care doctor and try to get a referral to a psychologist who can assess you. Sometimes you can just find a psychologist without a referral, just depends on the place.

[@tcat9062]

Stephanie Bethany Thankyou Stephanie, can you describe what the process is when being assessed? What sort of questions do they ask? Do you have to take a family member or friend so they give their feedback aswell? What if someone is so good at masking because they have done it for so many years that the doctor will say someone hasn’t got asd could they have another assessment?

[@StephanieBethany]

@@tcat9062 It depends on the person doing the assessment. Especially for adults in the US, there doesnt appear to be a standardized method other than asking questions especially about childhood (since that's what most are familiar with assessing and signs must have been present in childhood for someone to be autistic). Some will want to talk to parents or people who knew you as a small child, others will just ask you to relay info from said people. They'll ask things about repetitive behavior, sensory sensitivity, how you got along with others, if you reached certain milestones on time, if you had trouble in school, etc. It often helps to have a family member perspective because of habitual masking on the individual's part. You can always go get a second opinion if you feel you were basically dismissed due to masking or whatnot, it just will probably cost you quite a bit to do so.

[@tcat9062]

Stephanie Bethany Thankyou so much for your advice Stephanie, you are a star! Really really helpful 😊 big hugs x

[@sable4492]

I never realized I might be autistic till recently. But I'm finding I feel so odd and dumb. My bf just realized I laugh when he's talking even when it's not funny to me. I don't catch jokes and sarcasm. I always tell ppl I have to see them do things to know how. I feel like I'm really dumb sometimes because of all that Tbh. I never realized how much stimming I really do till recently either and I'm 25

[@azaramoon4027]

I didnt even know I was masking, then it turned into DID with about 22 personalities. I have to continually defend myself, and now its automatic. Im 63 and still undiagnosed.

[@mementosnorri]

You mean not everyone does this??? What about NTs with social anxiety?

[@StephanieBethany]

Everyone does this to some degree (you'll act different on front of your boss than your co-workers, or pretend to be fine when feeling kind of down) but autistics do this to a ridiculously constant degree. As for NT with social anxiety, I cant say as I dont have any information or firsthand on that. I imagine someone with social anxiety will do this, too, but there are still social cues that an NT will pick up much more naturally than an autistic. So while being anxious and not wanting to stand out might cause masking, I imagine the NT would still get what to do for the most part, just be anxious about the situation and what the results of their actions are in the other people's eyes. But again, not a professional, so I could be wrong.

[@mementosnorri]

@@StephanieBethany "being anxious and not wanting to stand out might cause masking" oh, right! Thank you for your answer :) It just struck me how similar it was, with waiting for another person to go first, being puzzled when asked "how are you", and thinking everyone probably fidgets in the safety of their home... But "getting what to do" might indeed be the difference.

[@kyleandrewsmasterson3359]

I seriously have been noticing that I've been doin' pretty much all of the characteristic signs of the autism spectrum for females that is anyhow? Lol also plz allow me to point out that when I speak I tend to rush my sentence structure so that I won't merely forget what I'm trying to either communicate or convey to other ppl. And most often than not get rudely interrupted then utterly forget what I was trying to convey by the time they were finished talking and find myself totally wiped out from the whole experience altogether and find myself seeking solace/refuge in bed sleeping we/us females most often than not get misdiagnosed with a mental illness rather than look further into testing for autism spectrum and also ADHD as well with other cormorbidities to go along with it?

[@thevirtualjim]

I was definitely the 'weird kid' since i was young. I learned to mask as I got older, and as an adult i am pretty good so that you tend not to know something is 'off' til you get to know me. A few months ago i was talking to my therapist about masking, and he goes 'well why don't you just stop masking around people?' and I kind of had no idea how to reply to that so we moved on to something else.

[@emilybakker3742]

I get that if you said to me stop masking I was getting very angry because I never had learn to behave normally me for my whole live

[@Naturegirl1976]

I now wish that my folks never taught me how to mask my autistic behaviors. It has made my life a real living hell. It's just so damned irritating that our society is so horrible.