Camouflaging & Autistic Masking Explained - What’s the difference?

[@longline]

Deep breath. You know, I've been pretty good lately at coming to terms with the deep seated background shame of 'doing it wrong'. Socialling wrong. They can tell. They can always tell. Mine was always weak camouflaging. Striving for invisible, but not having a talent for it. Something always leaked out and unnerved those around me. So while I'm doing pretty good on "it wasn't my fault" and "I've served my time" (which is a metaphor)... That description of the loved but tolerated quiet girl, that's heartbreaking, very familiar, and cuts deep with sad memories. I'm going to have to learn how to have very sad memories without investing them with shame. Working on it. Gently unmasking/uncamoflaging/coming out over the past few years is slowly building a social baseline of "sure, he's a weirdo, but he's OUR weirdo". Unmasking to the extent that I do, accepting my needs to the extent that I do, has made my days less hard work, which gives me some spare resources to be more considerate and present. I'm fundamentally better company than I used to be through honouring my needs better, and I think that has made it easier for folks to include me more wholeheartedly. To the extent that I can bear it of course. I am at least far more invited and welcome, even when I opt out of a lot of their social behaviours. So...... Getting there. This is better. The past is still very sad.

[@spotterofgold]

I get you. Thanks for expressing all this. It helps so much. I especially appreciate the choice of profile pic! : )

[@christinecrum7934]

Thankyou for sharing. I can 100% relate :) ❤

[@9crutnacker985]

I'm very similar. Weakly camouflaging (not even knowing that's what I was doing) is a very good description. I was/am just too weird to do that with any success & yes they can/could always tell & they avoided me. I'd also hide both physically & mentally. Since self DXing 4 yrs ago & learning a whole of other stuff about myself I'm now able to self advocate to a good degree, accommodate my needs ('cause no one else is going to) & not accept any shame for doing that. You don't like me ? then clear off, I've no time for your nonsense. I've perhaps made that sound like it was easily done - anything but. It's been such hard & emotionally painful work with hrs & hrs of research but it can be done, don't give up, I had many set backs.

[@marthamurphy3913]

I like your term "socialling." "Socialling wrong" maybe explains why my ex-husband always criticized me after social events. However, I think he may be autistic, too. Is ALWAYS patting one's cereal down with the back of one's spoon before pouring on the milk an autistic behavior?

[@TheFpskiller]

could be and yes autistics identify with shame over time and start blaming other autistics. makes me sad @@marthamurphy3913

[@ChelleLlewes]

Aaaahhh...finally! I have a word that works: camouflaging! This is my first encounter with that expression, and it does fit me -- a late-realized female -- much better than masking did. Thank you!

[@motadelladelamorte]

same^^

[@shanninantonopoulo1237]

Ditto

[@leejordan001]

Untyl I realised that I am autistic I tought I have computer game addiction because every time I went to parties or any kind of community event I just wanted to get over it and go home and play games. Now I now that I have no addiction issues. I just wanted to get people as far as I could, and I really enjoyed videogames.

[@AlexLouiseWest]

Thank you. I was diagnosed last week, and I have camouflaged a lot to avoid being a target. I’m quiet anyway so it was less of a stretch than active masking. I’m female, aged 45.

[@chinatosinthiti3076]

Out of all of the things I've learned about myself and being autistic, I feel that this is the biggest challenge to me, my strong desire to mask/camoflague has left me lost on being authentic, caused a lot of burnout, and a lot me of lying to look and feel okay. It has to do with a lot of shame, guilt, and not loving myself. Redifining and to live a more authentic self is something I'm working on. Great work Paul Did anyone else lie as part of their mask/camoflague? The guilt stayed really long

[@jonahmeininger2052]

Yes, for a long time in my life I used compensation as a masking strategy, but because I didn't like that second version of myself, I started to camouflage. To be honest I felt the guilt more when I was compensating, however, the isolating nature of camouflaging was, or still is, the biggest challenge for me.

[@nickbooker5579]

Yep I have lied about things as part of or to protect my mask. I still do. It's a horrible feeling.

[@chinatosinthiti3076]

Discerning the right people to unmask to can be hard. For me what makes it tough has a few factors, one is trusting other people enough that you are going to act more authentic but it's going to be different that what they've known you before, I had vastly different results, some people understood and made room for the change. But some did not take it well.@@jonahmeininger2052

[@chinatosinthiti3076]

I am able to work through a few things to lie less and less, but also facing some challenges about not lying in certain situations, for example when I don't know how I actually feel or when not given enough time to process the question and my true thoughts/feelings as I also have difficulty identifying how I feel so I had a "stock" reply prepped in order to answer the question in time to keep the conversation flowing. Only a few people were okay of me answering the question 2-3 hours later or the next day. @@nickbooker5579

[@Catlily5]

I will lie occasionally. But I knew an autistic man who lied non-stop to try and fit in. He thought that he had to.

[@janica.4688]

until I watched your videos (and one channel of an Aspie woman) I absolutely had No idea How much I camouflaged to fit in. I subconsciously did so much for other people to view me as normal. Your videos like this helped me to erase all my doubts if I am an Asperger or not.

[@louisejoel]

Wasted too much of my life doing this and it paid minimum wage

[@kensears5099]

Since discovering back around April that I was "significantly" on the ASD spectrum, life has daily been a "quiet volcano" of erupting (pardon the repetition) discovery. The volcano is quiet, tender and kind, but a volcano nonetheless, and just as awesome. The things I didn't know that I didn't know, if you know what I mean, now leaping with a mischievous grin onto my inner world's reality-screen chirping, "Here I am! I always WAS here, and once upon a time you kinda-sorta KNEW it, too, but then...you DIDN'T, and you HID me and didn't realize you were doing THAT either, but I'm still he-e-ere so-o-o...how about we finally get together again and live like we were SUPPOSED to, huh?" 😳 Oh my....well...YEAH, sure, okay. And the masks I never knew were there--but boy were they--are falling away right and left and it's like meeting the brand new...yet long ago familiar...face of somebody you loved, somebody through whose eyes you actually REALLY once felt life, the world around you, the air, the smells, the impressions, before you stuffed him away in a box. It's...inexpressible. Just as a by-the-way, when I first heard about this "stimming" stuff, I thought, well, no, I don't do THAT, and I'm certainly not going to start, either! I never want this "autism" stuff to be something I artificially tack on to myself. I guess stimming just was never part of my variety of autism.... Good grief, how wrong I was. It makes me both laugh and cry just to think about it now. How wrong, wrong, wrong I was. Pacing through the house at a furious pace, like I'm late for an appointment, while I talk on the phone, spinning coins on the kitchen table, utterly hypnotized, playing note-progressions in my head to accompany my footsteps, and when I was a child continually making contact with things, touching the walls, the furniture, any corner I could contact, as points of orientation along the way, until I was shamed out of it by the grownups who told me how ridiculous it looked...and so much more. "I never stimmed"...? I laugh and cry now just to think of it. "Autistic people don't make eye contact..." Well, again, must not be my variety of autism because I certainly do make eye contact, in fact I make a POINT of it because.... Oh. Because I hate it. And because as a rule I'm looking away to formulate my thoughts and then I remember, "Oh yeah, gotta make eye contact," so I do, as briefly as possible. And I've always thought that was "eye contact." Yes, the discoveries, the realizations, the getting competely re-acquainted with the me it turns out I always was--it's an overwhelming yet very healing "volcano."

[@annienamaste8283]

Magnificently put!

[@kensears5099]

@@annienamaste8283 Thank you, Annie.

[@cfw91491]

@kensears5099 were you diagnosed as autistic or in the process of getting it done? The reason I ask is that I too experience the same things well expressed in your comment 9 months ago. But I haven't received an autism diagnosis, only did some online research and tests. I always thought autism applied to people like Rain Man, not to someone who is "normal" like me. Then again I've never been a normal person I just play one very well. Was bullied as a child, got scolded for my behavior unbecoming of a polite young lady (I used to make funny sounds at the most inopportune times, rocking around bouncing off the back of the couch, not controlling the volume of my voice when I should have spoken quietly, etc.). I've done so much learning over the past year that I wouldn't be surprised of I was diagnosed. One of my daughters experienced the same types of behavior as a child but instead of scolding her (her siblings did that) I joined her in all the fun!

[@genevievebeaulieu5030]

Thank you. I'm exhausted from trying to sort through 40 years of masking and camouflaging unknowingly. Unfortunately mental health care is not available where I live. Videos like yours are very helpful in my feeling less alone and confused. Dr.Price's book will be my next read.

[@kind_of_willow3193]

Thank you! This camouflage-thing was new for me, but it discribes perfectly the difference in my appearance in school versus in home. My mother thought that they where talking about different persons as they told her, i was too shy and silent.

[@heedmydemands]

Ha yeah my mom must have been surprised too to have the comment about how quiet I am and needs to participate more and whatever. I'm a real chatterbox when I'm comfortable so it was probably a shock lol

[@dustyscribe8397]

I'm definitely a camouflager. I minimize so much in social situations that I've trained everyone not to notice me at all

[@cristinagonzalez6591]

I like the book recommendation "Unmasking autism" which I have read several times. It's really good.

[@dlollard]

Coincidentally, two of my ex-relationship-partners have recommended it to me. They both now identify as autistic. I found it really illuminating, both toward understanding myself and understanding others who are ND but in different ways from me. Highly recommended! I'm trying to get my family to read it.

[@Judymontel]

Everything you are saying about camouflaging and flying under the radar is painfully accurate. Sheesh, Paul, you WERE NOT supposed to notice! PS Thanks for the insight. I'll have to see where I take it...

[@marthamurphy3913]

I think I'm well camouflaged. There was a time in my life when I was assertive and letting myself stand out, but people expected too much of me.

[@RestorativeWaves123]

I hear you. Same here.

[@SimoneEppler]

Ohh, my god, same

[@MisterCynic18]

Tbh camouflaging sounds like my life goal. Seems like a blessing to be invisible and ignored and not have to involve myself in a world I don't relate to

[@chele277]

Thanks Paul. I did both for 57 years. Now i understand the mechanics behind it all alot easier to recognise and not to fall back into old ways. Im still trying to put the pieces back together

[@eleonorelee267]

This makes so much sense! I realize that I am unbelievably fortunate to be an artist. We have that "creative license" which "forgives" so many quirks. All through school I was the quirky weirdo with few to no friends. A few times in my life I have camouflaged, especially after my first child was born. It seemed that fitting in seamlessly, and hanging out with other moms and their small children was what I needed to do for my children. (I am a late diagnosed-at 51-person, so I had no idea what I was doing, or why I felt so wrong for so long! My children are adults now. Well, 2/3 are) The camouflaging times were the bleakest ever. I felt more lonely that ever, even the times I had moved alone to a new city. Because not being true to yourself, even when it is for safety, is so fuxing painful. Little by little, as my children grew, the weird just kept sneaking out. At this point, I enjoy dressing and painting my face up as much like early Bowie as I can (because

[@sonnentausnest]

"Not being true to yourself, even when it is for safety, is so fuxing painful." As a trans neurodivergent and probably autistic person: Yes, it is. It's draining, isolating and painful. Thank you for saying it. I always feel like I'd be the wrong kind of weird no matter where I go. But it's good to hear that you can enjoy your weirdness. While I can't do makeup, David Bowie style is awesome. I love colorful!

[@eleonorelee267]

@@sonnentausnest Thank you. I wish you the best and hope that one day the world will embrace all of your quirkiness and "divergence" from the so-called norm. I wish just telling you that you are actually "all the right kinds of weird" would be helpful. Hopefully you find a safe place with a community that celebrates all of you just as you are.

[@sonnentausnest]

@@eleonorelee267 Thank you! And, you know, it actually does help. Re-reading my first reply to you, it sounded far more hopeless than I'm really feeling. And I haven't given up on finding community: Going to go to my first Neuroqueers meeting soon! 🥳🤞 Let's celebrate being quirky and weird as much as we can.

[@iluvhammys]

i was definitely the quiet slightly strange kid in school, B's and C's, read a lot, played with bugs at recess instead of other kids, etc how i didn't get diagnosed until last week i have no idea. thank you for helping me understand some of what this means for me

[@gilashroot8697]

Thank you so much for this video. I learned a lot! I am not on the,spectrum, but I have learned so much from this video, you, and your channel.

[@denorene16]

I'm a very good camouflager, including with my own family. Thank you for the video.

[@heedmydemands]

My strategy was camouflaging for sure. It worked very well. I'm not very remarkable except my annoyingly different hair. I learned which clothes were plain and right that i would blend. It wasn't about finding something i liked, it was just about not getting noticed so that i wouldn't get teased because i had usually 1 or 2 friends and sometimes none. But now I'm grown up and i don't really have any peers anymore it feels like, I'm quite isolated. I have learned to have my own sense of fashion which I'm proud of, it's really helped me to feel like a real person 😊

[@Dezzyyx]

What about the Trauma related concept of "Fawning", I've yet to see anyone talk about how that compares to Masking, or if they are the same.

[@Catlily5]

They are not exactly the same. Masking can include fawning but it is a lot more than that. Fawning could definitely help you mask though.

[@Dezzyyx]

@@Catlily5 they seem similar due to both being survival strategy's, and that you don't necessarily want to do them it's almost instinctual

[@christinecrum7934]

Another great video!

[@MsLisa551]

You so called me out. Lol Professional masker!! I'm done, I'm tired.

[@Sandra-hc4vo]

Great video. I hadn't known what camouflaging was but I did know what masking was. So that's really helpful.

[@elizabethbogle3533]

I've been doing this for decades. Now I know why.

[@MundtStefan]

Thank you 😊

[@jarmoliebrand2005]

I can relate so much more to camouflaging than compensation. And I’m an autistic guy. I don’t try and morph myself into someone I’m not, just to be appreciated by others. If I’m my authentic self (who still masks but doesn’t pretend to like things or people I don’t like) I will attract a smaller number of people who do actually suit me. I camouflage a lot. I think I’m just some kind of background extra in most people’s lives and that’s fine. The downside is that oftentimes, I’m reluctant to try different things or try different people. I’m quick to self isolate.

[@joycecz]

Way to go, Paul! Your like the Miracle Worker! Thanks for helping me to express who I know I am with poise and intelligent expressions.

[@breadfan_85]

I've definitely employed both camouflaging and compensation in my life. Sometimes for years at a time. But even during those times, there were moments here and there where I switched it up and employed the other technique for a day or so. Right now I'm definitely in a camouflaging stage, but there have been years at a time where I employed compensation and have even been a very popular and well liked person during those times, but my relationships were mostly very superficial. Alcohol and drugs were heavily used to help me cope as well. In highschool I was a bit of a stoner, and it was easy to change my awkwardness on being high. Later, I drank a lot to help loosen me up and help me be more social. I actually ended up developing a severe alcohol addiction, but I'm 2 years sober now as of February. And back to camouflaging lol.

[@sonnentausnest]

Congratulation on the 2 years sober!

[@breadfan_85]

@@sonnentausnest thank you!

[@NidusFormicarum]

When I try to get help from the society, I try to appear as normal and as positive as possible. It's a learned behaviour with people I don't know and meet for the first time. This leads to my not getting the help I need since it all appears much better than it is. It's ironic, since in other situations I'm non conformative and don't try to hide anything at all. However, sometimes, I do the opposite when I feel terrible and get desperate screaming for help. This also leads to me getting rejected by the society, since they don't read it as a cry for help but simply as someone being rude or disrespectful.

[@drakovis798]

Thank you. I wish I had seen a video about this over twenty years ago. I never knew....

[@alishamisk]

The example of the invisible girl who is tolerated but not cared about ... it's the story of my life

[@Miss_Lexisaurus]

I'm a woman but have never been good at camoflaging. I don't know if my flavour of neurospicy just doesn't lend itself to that or what. I've masked a lot in otherwise but definitely never been able to just fly under the radar.

[@Catlily5]

Me neither. I am 48 and got diagnosed this year. I try to mask and camouflage but I don't fool people.

[@cameogutierrez3466]

Thank you ♥️

[@chocmint]

i relate to camouflaging so much...

[@Bethany.Loveday]

That internal question!! 🤯🤯🤯

[@BreeeYT]

I definitely do compensation

[@Sara.T90]

I just realised, from watching this video, that I've been camouflaging my entire life (I'm 33).

[@Nikitaxo24]

Me too

[@autisticrevolution]

Another great video! And a very good book recommendation!

[@gloriarourajaulin5748]

Great video. Thanks😊

[@au9parsec]

An autistic person wearing camouflage gear versus an autistic person wearing a mask 🪖 😷

[@eScential]

Neither term is relatable. I don't think i can do either with zero imagination (aphantasia)

[@au9parsec]

@@eScential I just think those terms sound funny 🤣

[@galespressos]

❤😂

[@zaqwsx28]

Mask or costume, same thing

[@Ninsidhe]

@@eScential I have aphantasia and can relate to those terms- aphantasia doesn’t remove the faculty of imagination, it simply describes imagination being nonvisual. I didn’t realise until I was in my 50’s that I have it because my imaginal senses are so rich without the visual aspect.

[@toaojjc]

Camouflaging is such a better way to describe my childhood, teens, tweens and part of my 30s..... In Dutch we have a saying that says "met je kop boven het maaiveld uit steken". It translates to "to have your head stick out above the ground level" litteraly to stand out in a crowd. That was my #1 fear in life growing up and it still makes me feel very uncomfortable today

[@bunglejoy3645]

That's what I've been like all my life the amount of friends all my school and college life you can count on one hand even now all my friends wherevi live now are chat eith the neighbours like thing you're right it's lonely I think even in the mental unit I had a few close friends but not many I obviously now know why eith bpd and GAD as well as informally diagnosed autism

[@autisticrevolution]

It is a fight, always. Against the majority, who think they are the golden standard. It is not simply a choice. Our way of being is condemned. We are told to look people in the eyes, to sit still and have "quiet hands". We are told how to sit, stand, behave. We are categorised by how well we comply and make others comfortable. They talk about us, not to us, musing we don't think nor feel. ABA (supposedly reformed) is still in practice. These are all attempts at a cultural genocide of our kind. Rebels are judged and excluded. But the change is now, the change is us. We matter so much. We are changing the world. Peace, love and strength, my people :)

[@Michael-iw3ek]

Well put. Too bad people on the spectrum don't really want to hang out with other people on the spectrum, so there's very little room for support.

[@TheFpskiller]

couldnt agree more

[@TheFpskiller]

dunno if thats true. I like other autistics but sitting alone at home will not connect us. I dont know where to find them. its not that I dont want them. we are all just waiting for our social life to happen I guess. @@Michael-iw3ek

[@louisejoel]

@@Michael-iw3ek Not sure if I'm on the spectrum but many of my friends have been mildly as we nerd out on certain topics together. The great thing about these friendships is they are truly genuine.

[@Michael-iw3ek]

@@louisejoel What I mean is people on the spectrum *in general* don't enjoy hanging out with other people on the spectrum just because they are on the spectrum - we dislike the social awkwardness etc just as much as the normal people do. However, of course, it's not an obstacle to genuine friendships. Those can happen, spectrum or not, and we're truly blessed when we have friends like that.

[@arobinreads]

I think I did a lot of camouflaging in high school which meant I didn't really have friends. Now I'm more and more being myself and I have more social connections now

[@ZeonGenesis]

So masking is suppressing it, and camouflaging is faking it

[@thekatboi]

i have a question for you. what do you do if youve unconcsiously masked for so long that you dont know what the authentic you is like?

[@longline]

That is an excellent question. My favourite practice/discipline is asking myself "is it though?" You can literally or figuratively make a list of the things that you do because they are good, or nice to do. You can make a second list of things that you found pleasing when you were really young. Deconstructing big assumptions (like "I like large social gatherings") could take time, and doesn't just happen by accident. Talking therapy is interesting and worthwhile, a professional will ask good questions and get you thinking. If that is expensive in your country, I'd suggest you maybe quitely write two lists, of what seems true now, and what seemed true when you were little, and just think about it. And when you find yourself doing a thing that is on one of the lists, pay attention, and ask yourself if this thing is nice. "Is it though? But, is it though?... " Paying attention to the overall question is the first, big step, and you've started that, so that's great. Lots of love. We're here to talk about stuff any time you have questions.

[@thekatboi]

lol i cant even remember 7/8 of my childhood. only specific memories that come and go.

[@louisejoel]

This could be misinterpreted as borderline personality. Job interviews went well for me when I role played, as in pretended to be someone else (someone already in the role) and step in their shoes. Social environments based on traditional social graces and hierarchies bore me and I usually feel an urgent need to get away from them. There are certain environments where you can get away with being yourself though.

[@aspidoscelis]

For me, being 'confident about who you are and how you want to show up in the world' is, of itself, incompatible with being authentically myself. These are things other people expect of me.

[@zeekay3205]

*Locks, not DreadLocks Thanks for the video 😊❤🎉

[@joespencer471]

Yes! I'm now funny and clumsy and forgetful and unintentionally entertaining on purpose! 🙃

[@suzyh74]

i've registered for the summit but will the timing of events work for people in the UK? Thanks

[@claymationmedia6961]

Masking techniques can also develop from a physical/mental abusive childhood environment.

[@idreadFell365]

The fact I have a neck fan with a CAMOUFLAGE design and it looks like headphones at first glance.

[@mmtutes]

I find this discussion really interesting but I just wonder though - doesn't everyone do this? It just makes common sense. If we feel vulnerable about our deficiencies - and it just might be that a person feels shy? or maybe they cant speak the language in the group very well? Then wouldn't they just naturally want to hide that with any of these techniques? It just seems to me to be normal behaviour when a person feels socially uncomfortable for any reason. 🤷🤷

[@punkalien]

im a trans man who went to catholic school, which as you can imagine has forced me deep into masking. i realized im autistic when i was 16 or so but haven't really had any therapy that focuses on it. the only time im able to unmask is when im stoned for some reason. it turns off my brain enough that i dont try to mask subconsciously at all

[@Sandra-hc4vo]

The world doesn't feel like it behaves 'logically or fairly,' to me. This makes the world a scary place. Cause no matter how much you think it over, the group can arbitrarily punish one person and not another for the exact same things. Gender may be a factor in this, but to me the larger thing is that as long as this is occurring someone is always gonna get the brunt end of it.

[@bruh-4649]

I kinda need help, I've been binging videos like this for awhile. My sister and I were talking one time only a few weeks ago and she jokingly said I was autistic. But the thing is... I can't stop thinking about it. I've been doing a lot of research and stuff and I relate to a lot of things about autism. I have always had trouble making friends. I can hold up a conversation, but I hate to initiate it. I even dread the idea of a person walking up and talking to be just because holding a conversation that I'm not interested in is super draining. I feel kinda stuck when it comes to social situations. Like I just CAN'T start a conversation. Like when you look at a fire and you're mentally like "I could stick my hand in there" but your brain just... won't let you. That's how I feel. I also have issues with certain textures, whether fabrics or food. I don't really like being touched or rubbed or having people's faces close to my own. I can't stand relative noises like tapping or clicking (unless I'm the one making them) and sounds like chewing actually make me angry. But when I brought up possible autism to my mother she basically immediately shut it down. Because I can carry on conversation and read social cues. She's mainly seen autism in kids that are very low masking. We knew a set of twins that were very obviously autistic and I'm sure she compared me to them in her head. I don't know what to do, I'm nervous about going to see if I have it (like getting diagnosed) and then thinking I'm lying. Or that I can't be autistic because I can force social interaction and eye contact. I just really want to know what's different about me. Why I can't keep friends and why I feel emotions so numbly. I don't know if I'm autistic and frankly I'm scared of even looking into it. Like people will think I'm faking or that I'm just dumb. Idk, if any of you have read this and have an opinion on what I should do. If you guys think I am or definitely am not Autistic let me know in the comments. I would love to be able to talk to someone about this. I feel really alone rn tbh.

[@laura.bseyoga]

I grew up as an Invisible Girl. 😢

[@purrsephone2904]

I don't understand what autism actually is. Is the brain structure different? I can relate to what you're saying, but a therapist told me I was not autistic. Thank you.

[@glasshousefuture6836]

I scored highest in Assimilation..any thoughts about the difference or explanation with that one? All that comes to mind is the super old star trek show my mom watched in the 80s and some non-human species kept saying, "You will be assimilated.", robot style.

[@ameliashandcraftedmemes7888]

OH. I've been researching masking for a long time but I didn't realise there are 2 types of masking, camouflaging and compensation. My life makes sense now. More videos on camouflaging vs compensation would be great

[@kellyscourfield77]

❤

[@amber33377]

Have you, (or any commenters who may be familiar with this) ever heard of chamoflauging to the point of creating characters that are "acted out" or actually presented as a different personality? I think this is what someone I know is doing. I've kinda watched the progression, actually, and it's like to the point they don't know who they are anymore and not in touch with reality. I'm not sure how to help them

[@lilyharyett353]

Can you talk about long term masking in someone undiagnosed in a trans woman

[@sixthsenseamelia4695]

🌱🌏💚 🙋🏻‍♀️ KiaOra Paul and community.

[@krugerfuchs]

I won't hide

[@orangesnowflake3769]

I guess i use campflaging then haha its basically how i have done life for years and years but yea its true you never make conections with people, you just seem neurotypical on the surface, you arent remembered, your like a background character. It is good sometimes but not always.

[@jonahmeininger2052]

I do that too and it works pretty well, maybe too well, because like you said, you don't make any connections which is incredibly isolating, and camouflaging in itself is very exhausting.

[@orangesnowflake3769]

@jonahmeininger2052 I really don't interact with other ppl really at all, I do most things alone because I find it too stressful. I couldn't sit next to my classmates too long when I had uni and I only went to eat with them once and it was soo stressful, I prefer to sit alone but I do also want to make friends but all these things work against making friends

[@jonahmeininger2052]

@@orangesnowflake3769 Exactly, I'm in uni at the moment too, so I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm not against making friends, but my strategy to cope with the world is working against that effort. It does feel lonely sometimes, especially when you realize all the neurotypicals are making lifelong connections in uni and you're not. It's incredibly exhausting to camouflage, but not doing it is not an option for me right now.

[@orangesnowflake3769]

@jonahmeininger2052 I see. I want to make a change now and I have started joining in with a local autistic meet up and thats good, I meet up with them a couple of times a month. When I finished uni I felt kinda sad because making connections with ppl is something I had hoped to acheive in uni, I had to retake a year so I left with a different cohort and I didn't really know them. I didn't have friends really in college either just acquaintances so I was feeling down about it. Good luck with the rest of your studies 😊

[@marthamurphy3913]

I@@jonahmeininger2052, I camouflaged so much in college that when I aced the GRE the department called me in for an interview because the profs didn't remember me.

[@freezo244]

Ok, but doesn’t everyone wear masks?

[@longline]

Yes. It is a normal part of humaning. It can be healthy, it is often diminishing. The difference is that the consequences for not masking for a minority can be catastrophic. So a minority will more likely mask with fear, and urgency, and shame. That kind of masking is especially unhealthy, which is why it's a subject of note here.

[@akhyarrayhka4048]

masking is how we all became more normal so we became normal its not wrong.

[@MissingRaptor]

I'm an autistic chameleon

[@ts4697]

+

[@SunIsLost]

Interesting /)

[@stephaniemccord8677]

All this sounds normal social behavior. How is this "autistic"?? I am confussed.

[@laurie3113]

Thank you! I need you to make a video about how to camoflauge, because the hardest thing for me to handle...is being around other nuerodivergent individuals who are able to morph into different characters, in order to keep their true selves safe. I WANT THAT, to be able to look like, and sound like someone else, so I can safely be ME! How do I do that???

[@5T4RL1N6]

as someone who’s been “morphing” forever, i honestly wish i never started. u CONSTANTLY have this performance thing going on & it’s sucks bc half the time we’re still too strange to rly pass as normal regardless. the true you will show through the cracks every now & again & you still get weird looks, weird comments, weird feelings of alienation bc ppl can sense these things & will punish you for it every chance they get. all being able to morph does is invite ppl you shouldn’t be around for the sake of ur mental health into ur presence/circle. which leaves you more vulnerable to ill intentions, manipulation & also betrayal bc now u feel slighted by these so called “friends” u made when the mask was on. i tear up thinking abt how many ppl would just ditch me if i let all that fall away. its not a feeling you want. be confident in knowing that whoever rocks w yu rocks w the real you & they’re missing out otherwise. i say this selfishly too bc as a masker it is actually so inspiring to see other autistics just BE & imagine myself relearning how to fing feel/express my loud emotions, stim, etc. ik we arent broken but for lack of a better word rn i feel like i forgot how to be & its only breaking me more.

[@m.s.2926]

I'm a chameleon.

[@karolinaska6836]

I was dx two years ago. I don't understand why suppressing my own preferences for the sake of social politeness when the alternative would draw unnecessary attention to myself is an autistic thing. Isn't this just called politeness? Or even common courtesy? Not seeing how I supposedly mask/camouflage may be why I flew under the radar for over four decades.

[@33afterM]

I believe the issue is to the degree of extremes this takes in autistics and it's often unsustainable and can create a barrier between you and connection with others and can even create a disengagement from knowing your true authentic self. Everyone masks to some degree and people can camouflage themselves when necessary as well, but to an autistic person this behavior becomes the norm, a behavior often picked up as a survival mechanism when young. It is brought into adulthood and can end up negatively impacting the autistic person. The mask/camouflage becomes the norm when interacting with ANYONE. Whether stranger or loved one. You become the mask, you blend so well into the background that you become furniture. People will step on you sit on you, whatever they please, because YOU are not really there. Just a masked/camouflaged version of yourself.

[@longline]

​@@33afterMVery well framed and phrased, thank you.

[@bubbiccino]

Yep, exactly as 33afterM said above! I also think of the service industry/customer service where it’s mandatory to maintain a high degree of “politeness” that basically mirrors servitude. The difference though is that people who get off from work don’t have to maintain that mask and are (sort of) taught within the industry to perform as such usually by the time their brains have developed to a decent extent. Autistic people have to pick this up on their own at an incredibly young age (through shame/punishment), and generally are not taught how to differentiate. It becomes their “norm,” a template that typically overwrites their personality despite having an existing one. I certainly relate to the “politeness” bit though 😅 I had a classmate treat me like I was liar/throw shade at me when I didn’t have any choice but to camouflage/act “polite.” Seeing me break character for a few seconds (being capable of leading/asserting) led them to believe I was malicious? for sticking to the quiet girl stereotype. I do not have the energy/intellect to be that kind of character from movies/shows with the plot twist being the quiet one as some sort of perpetrator 😓 Just trying to get by without constant confrontation 😑

[@Ignasimp]

I have to disagree here. Being "assertive" and "disagreeable" is not seen as a good thing at all even for men. At least not in Spain nowadays.

[@AuroraLalune]

Refusing to call it 'translating' seems like this is just the nt take on it, from the title alone. Learning to communicate another language that uses the same words is a skill and continuously disparaging and invalidating people who do so is a huge dehumanizing mess.

[@Ninsidhe]

I’m interested in what you are looking at when you say this- are you open to diving into it with me? I’m both Autistic and profoundly gifted, which I’ve observed creates its own complicated and exhausting intersections when it comes to relating to and communication with others, which is why I’m interested in the ‘translating’ distinction you mention. I’ve observed other *Autists* doing this linguistic translating but not allistics (which to me only more deeply affirms the observations contained in the double empathy problem hypothesis). Is that part of what you’re referring to?

[@eyesyt7571]

We aren't welcome in neurotypical society. Autistic people only conform to avoid being stomped into the dirt. It's not translating, we've just been conditioned to grovel.

[@disgustof-riley]

Yeah no, that's not what he means by camouflage. It's a different term

[@Ninsidhe]

@@disgustof-riley can you explain what camouflage is in this context please? I understand masking as a survival tactic but I’m unfamiliar with this terminology- it’s possibly something I naturally do (because allistic mainstream culture, yo) but I’m also aware that language is a minefield.

[@longline]

@@Ninsidhe In casual speech, masking can mean all of the variants. Here, in this video, masking is presented as fitting in gregariously, while camouflage is presented as fitting in quietly. But that's also using different metrics for what is meant by "fitting in". The core premise is still that you can't actually fit in by pretending, so we're not claiming any of this is a good or a bad idea. It depends on your circumstances and how safe you are. So gregarious masking here suggests appealing to an extant value or power structure (fashionable, wealthy, smart, organised, interesting, religious, motherhood, etc) and recruiting that social credit to 'pay for' (metaphorically) your atypical social misdemeanours. "I'm rich, I can be brash, and you'll deal with it, because you believe that my wealth has social value". Substitute any other social currency, it's the same dynamic. This is 'getting away with it' by doing x thing very well (as far as they are concerned). Succeeding by exceeding. In this video, camouflage is more like mirroring, or code switching. Matching average behaviour to an extent that differences are almost unnoticed. Like an immigrant in a foreign country, on their own, trying really hard to act more Italian in Italy. Passing for normal. Trying to pass without trace, trying to not draw attention to differences. Instead of exceeding at one thing, you're being good-enough on every metric. You're being average as possible. Almost all humans are doing one or both of these to some extent socially. But when a minority feels forced to do it a lot to be safe in society (financially safe for example) then the gulf between mask and yourself and your needs can grow to become very unhealthy and counter productive. Type thing. And then because society throws up other boundaries, the idea presented here is that it's easier to exceed gregariously if you already have at least one socially valued characteristic, such as wealth, or gender, or skin colour, or accent. Without one of those, camouflage might be your only option. Etc.

[@djkhaledaltaccount6500]

I am in it for the money.

[@Tdav424]

2:52 You meant to say the other gender?

[@hamletsmill258]

You're overthinking it, again.

[@jamesedmonds7519]

I identify with camouflaging for sure.