AUTISTIC RELATIONSHIPS: 10 Tips for Neurotypical Partners in Neurodiverse Relationships 🤟❤️‍🔥

Being in a neurodiverse relationship can be extra challenging! In this video, Tay (neurodiverse) and her husband Scott (neurotypical) share 10 Tips for Neurotypical Partners in Neurodiverse Relationships. Tay and Scott have been married for 11 years and are currently navigating the first year post Tay’s autism diagnosis at age 31.
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I realized post-production that the list we share can get a little tricky to understand for us neurodivergent folks. We tend to be more literal, black-and-white thinkers, so I’ve replicated the list below in, what I think is, an easier-to-follow format.
10 Tips for Neurotypical Partners in Neurodiverse Relationships
(ND = neurodiverse NT = neurotypical)
1. Don’t speak in abstract terms (2:04)
2. Don’t treat special interests/concerns as trivial (3:49)
3. Don’t expect NT-level social interactions (5:47)
4. Don’t take differences personally, especially when it comes to how ND partners show (or don’t show) affection (7:47)
5. Don’t try to change your partner (9:48)
6. Don’t be flaky (11:15)
7. Don’t ask questions when the ND partner is busy (13:09)
8. Don’t overlook the need for the ND partner to have lots of alone time (14:51)
9. Don’t assume the ND partner won’t mask around you (17:15)
10. Don’t treat your ND partner like a problem to solve (20:37)
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*The term “asperger” has a problematic history and is better replaced with the overarching term “autism.” For more information, check out my video on The Upsetting History of the Term “Aspergers”: • 💔😤The Upsetting Histor... .
I'm Tay, a married mom of 2 who was diagnosed with Autism at 31 years old. This was after YEARS of therapy (and all of the self tests in the world!). My diagnosis has brought up questions, frustration, doubt, but most importantly, a new level of self compassion and understanding.
I'm here to share knowledge, resources, and products that empower other neurodivergents (and their loved ones) to live freely and creatively. I'm not a doctor so please speak with your healthcare providers before implementing any recommendations I make on my channel.
It's good for my brain to spend less time on social media, so you won't find me on Facebook or Instagram. But I'd love to chat with you in the comments! Or you can find my email address in the "Details" section of my About page.
/ @momonthespectrum
Females are under-diagnosed due to lack of research. Please share any videos that are helpful to you so we can spread awareness and acceptance.
Music by Milky Wayvers ("Mountain")
/ milky-wayvers-mountain
#autism #autistic #aspergers

[@HananB19]

They are divorced now unfortunately!!!

[@molchmolchmolchmolch]

It's awesome to see a male partner being so thoughtful and open and relaxed, I love it.

[@fearless3073]

You say that like it never happens lmfao

[@theinvertlunchbox1149]

Why does that seem like sexism to me?

[@Opinionatedcancer]

@@theinvertlunchbox1149 why are you being disingenuous?

[@mariagusman6949]

Honestly I thought the same thing. It might seem sexist and I don’t mean it in an offensive manner but in my experience, most men aren’t emotionally available or comfortable let alone willing to take on such empathetic and unselfish relationship acts.

[@ChristIsK1ng]

@@mariagusman6949 The are over 7 billion people in this world, over 330 million in the US. Your experience is way more limited than you think.

[@crissyretroguitarvideos3933]

Sadly, this video did not age well 😢

[@saskia3854]

"I have reached my limit of eye contact", that hit me. Thank you for saying it and keeping it in the video. It is a level of honesty and openness I really appreciate.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

you're welcome. 😄

[@mgd6087]

The other side is "You look like you need eyeballs". (Yes!!! I also have no idea what I must look like at those times but feel so much better when it is recognized.)

[@keylanoslokj1806]

Which shows women don't need game. Hell they don't even need a normal brain to get a fulfilled life

[@deadsoon]

I am autistic and grew up in an abusive household. My parents never loved e/o nor showed affection or proper conversation. This is legit the first time I see a couple talk so thoroughly about understanding e/o and making accommodations for the other because they love them. As an autistic kid I just kinda internalized that love isn't real because I never saw it growing up (gotta love that literal thinking). But I'm glad it does exist. Love is sacrifice and compromise. And here I see it clear as day!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

I am sorry to hear about your challenging upbringing. Thank you for taking the time to leave this sweet comment.

[@robinb.6711]

Right? This is so healthy and I love it. I wish they were my parents.

[@user-lj5wy9hz2y]

Whoa this is sad, I'm sorry. But I'm glad you have a belief in love now! What you described kind of makes some sense in relationship to an ASD friend who has a lot of trouble understanding love as a concept.

[@deadandblue]

As someone like me with asd I have been a peculiar being realizing love is all fake where in today's world its all about the ego and money I tend to push people away I find them intolerant just to make me come around bring me alcohol black coffee and cigarettes and that's it this world abuses and uses us for their sick gains all that matters to me is death to summarize it im close to the death age

[@tinaknight8620]

@@user-lj5wy9hz2y phone

[@RoseCityReptilesTX]

I'm autistic and this video gave me more confidence to mask less around my family. Thank you ❤️

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re welcome. Thanks for your comment.

[@curiousbystander9193]

@@MomontheSpectrum you respond to posts like you are supporting a business plan.

[@ethyricalgirl]

@@curiousbystander9193 Or… she responds to posts (comments) like she’s autistic 🤷‍♀️

[@curiousbystander9193]

@@ethyricalgirl It's her family that fed her the polluted food

[@mommallama22]

​@@curiousbystander9193I feel like that's high praise.

[@stuart959]

Considering they are now divorced, I wonder what can be read from this video to be used as a guide for what not to do.

[@jayggillypuff5075]

My wife and son are autistic and I’ve been feeling so defeated and like something is wrong with me. Man it was like you were talking right to me! Really put my part into perspective and definitely going to utilize a lot of your advice ❤ thank you for opening up on the internet and helping others!

[@itmeurdad]

Based on your first sentence I'd recommend checking into the double empathy problem if you're unfamiliar. I have found it the most enlightening thing I have been able to uncover in the search for understanding.

[@sarahprosecco]

Aw I'm so happy for you that you found this video too. The people who stick around are a godsend! The ones who take it upon themselves to learn so we can all 'fit in', (as opposed to expecting the neurodiverse to bend themselves trying to fit into societal norms until they break) are angels! ✨😇

[@PEMDASbaby]

Something is wrong with you for not giving God your best

[@itmeurdad]

@@PEMDASbaby hahaha

[@PEMDASbaby]

@@itmeurdad some people have just been dying since the day they were born ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

[@jmallen5929]

Can I just say, it is SO heartwarming to see how supportive your husband is and how y'all really understand each other and show compassion for each other. Such a healthy, good relationship. 💜

[@stephanieharper7349]

Yes this is the most beautiful relationship I have ever seen

[@orionkelly]

This may be the most useful video on the topic I’ve ever seen. As an Autistic person married to a neurotypical wife I can’t tell you how helpful and relatable Scott’s thoughts and suggestions are. Nice work guys.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Awesome! So great to hear. Thanks so much for taking the time to share. Do you or your wife have any suggestions for future video topics for us? We'd love to hear them.

[@orionkelly]

@@MomontheSpectrum I genuinely believe, and your view count backs it up, that you guys can make a real difference doing more videos together. Rather than doing broad top tips for general life, cover specific areas. Parenting, emotional needs, intimacy, holidays, social gatherings, communication (re using tips is good), weekends.

[@Esther-kq7nv]

​@@orionkelly I second all of that! I enjoy this conversation of theirs. I was diagnosed last year with ASD. While I haven't been in a relationship since then, I feel I'd still get a lot out of what these two have to say.

[@orionkelly]

@@amyfrench5289 awesome Amy! Thanks so much.

[@deadandblue]

@@orionkelly pretty cool how lucky you are i been trying so hard to find a partner like that but for me being on the spectrum for over 20 years its a self afflicted destructive path

[@SuperEinstein21]

So nice

[@moonmadd]

Alone time is so important!

[@electrapoptart]

Wow the point you made at 7:14 just gave me a lightbulb moment. My sister who is autistic and less verbal than me sometimes tells me after a social event that she's upset that she didn't get to talk, and I didn't even consider that it was because she doesn't know how to follow and join conversations. And in addition to that, I just realized I also have the same issue, maybe to a lesser degree, that when I'm in a small group with very chatty people, I would become disappointed if people don't make space for me, because if people don't ask me things directly, I usually will turn into the quiet observer and struggle to jump in.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

It is something that has frustrated me for years. I always want to contribute but usually end up leaving small group situations feeling unseen. I think acknowledging that's what's been happening has helped me have more understanding and grace for myself.

[@solarpoweredpecs2430]

this!!!!

[@laurenpatterson4681]

My sister has always said this. Lightbulb!!

[@phoebeel]

I'm the same. I'm probably not really autistic but just really shy and I have the problem that if I focus on the conversation I won't have thinking capacity to think of my own contribution within the few seconds... It's stupid because people say I'm super smart and funny but you'd never guess it if you saw me at a party. Which is why I don't go to parties anymore. For me, parties are a way of meeting new people but if I cannot talk, I'm not gonna meet new people. So no point in going

[@JesseEricksonSutton]

Same. Non autistic, but I’ve always struggled with this. Still do.

[@damagecase13]

I'm sitting here in tears because while I've never been properly diagnosed, I've always felt different. Only recently did someone mention I could be, and watching this video has further made me think I could be. Like the way things are being explained in this video is exactly how I feel. I've never been able to put how bright lights make feel into words and you did that for me. I need to make an appointment and get this process started.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thank you for your comment Thomas. Embrace-autism.com might be a helpful website for you in the process! There are lots of online tests you can take for free to help give you further insight.

[@petekdemircioglu]

White flueracents drive me nuts

[@donnabutt5896]

My son is autistic. Bright lights hurt his eyes. I know know why Can you explain what you meant. Ty

[@yolandaboehi]

And I sit here in tears bevause I think my spouse is neurodiverse... I'd so much love to understand him better and learn how I have to behave around him, so he can feel better. We are both struggling but respecting each others ways. Ai am pretty sure a Diagnose could help us to be happier. I will watch more videos and learn. Thank you for these 10 tips, they are exactly what my husband talks about, without us knowing he is neurodiverse,...

[@britt6579]

Literally in tears and feeling similarly. I hope you were able to get your process started and getting support. I'll be doing the same.

[@shomench]

So helpful, Thanks for putting this out there.

[@robinmccatty7662]

This is helpful!! You guys are great!!

[@PraveenSriram]

1) don’t speak in abstract terms but communicate in concrete clear terms. 2) treating special interests or passion as unimportant. 3) don’t expect neurotypical social interaction! 4) don’t take it personally when you don’t receive NT expectations of interaction. 5) don’t try and change your spouse such as scheduling. 6) don’t deflate the person by not getting around to it. Information ℹ️ overload. 7) don’t ask questions when your spouse is doing something. Busy body busy mind. Gear ⚙️ shifting is really challenging 😰! ACG controls this 8) don’t make sure your spouse has little to NO alone time. 9) don’t assume your partner will not mask around you. Learning more about who you really are and becoming more authentic. 10) don’t assume your partner is a problem to fix (most important one ☝️ in my opinion).

[@reginaclark1816]

Oh thank you very much for listing these!!! I was wondering.....now how am I going to remember all 10 of those things. Thank you VERY mcuh.

[@PraveenSriram]

@@reginaclark1816 you are very welcome 🙏

[@atuvera9021]

My Adhd thanks you my friend❤

[@OceanicPearlz1]

Hit the nail in the jackpot. Sounds about right. I’m high functioning autism and got adhd without hyperactivity (the H) though None of my exes nor ex friends & ‘friends’ were able to handle me. Even one of my exes was making fun of it and downgrading it. (Maybe one was trying to handle it but that’s a big maybe since it was long distance) (though all exes were long distance) I love using sophisticated language but when it comes to people giving me directions, messages BE AS SPECIFIC AS POSSIBLE OR my mind WILL Go BANANAS 🍌 thank you for these tips

[@--...--...--...]

​@bree5954 I'd look into the PDA profile of ASD if I were you, m8.

[@sarahgumball8597]

When you said you can grieve certain expectations, that hit for me. I’m the neurotypical spouse and I love my neuorodiverse spouse tremendously but there are some things I know I can’t have in our relationship that is really painful not to have. Changing my expectations has helped tremendously, but also being allowed to grieve, thank you! Im so grateful for that.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

you're welcome

[@deniseahlquist3957]

Yes, I agree! Some of the great points they made are related, I think. I have found that acknowledging the sadness around letting go of expectations has been important for me. And also the idea of critical self-talk. I think that I struggle with chronic pain and created unhelpful neural patterns partly because I repressed those very real feelings of sadness and either blamed myself or the other person, or both, and I was always trying to fix one of us.

[@madeleine363]

What are the type of things you can't have

[@mydogeatspuke]

I would also, as an autistic person, really appreciate knowing what kind of things you "can't have" when being with someone who's neurodiverse.

[@parisjoy7875]

Which expectations have you given up on?

[@LisaLGruman]

Thanks for this.

[@Melanie-zm4jb]

Right on!

[@xoxoLeony]

Oh my gosh this video! I have a couples crush on you two now haha! I adore how much work your husband has put into learning about autism and how to apply the lessons to your daily life. I will be sure to have my husband watch this video as we begin this journey in our life. You also just gave me a lightbulb moment because I have in the past noticed how I sometimes seem to perk up when a friend of mine comes over for a visit and I turn so talkative and "brighter" - and I've felt bad because I do not feel like I enjoy their company more than my husband's, so that was kinda gnawing on me.. and now I am thinking that it's like you guys described: I feel safe and most comfortable with him, so I mask the least with him. Which unfortunately means I am less chipper lol but yeah.. Just like with our kids, learning that they can be lovely in public and then turn into complete little turds at home is because that's where THEY feel safest to let their emotions out because they know you love them no matter what. Ah! So good! Thank you!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

YES MAAM! Wow. Feels good to me to read this, as well. My kids DO NOT appear autistic in person, but at home they feel comfortable enough to meltdown and unmask and it's really super different. I do mask a lot around my friends still, even close friends, because I've believed that friendship means being chipper and always having something to say. But my favorite people are the ones I can say nothing around. If we could just sit in the same room and breathe and listen to music with great bass. haha. that's my idea of connection. I'm being slightly facetious but it's mostly true :) Our partners sure do deserve some respect! And so do we. Always learning. Also PS I am editing the video I shot in response to your question! Boundaries vs. Growth. Hopefully it will be up today or tomorrow. Thanks so much for watching! I appreciate the support.

[@heatonhelp9415]

Oh, for sure! It's certainly a paradigm to shift to start seeing calm (sometimes robotic) behaviors as a complement for an NT partner. I think it's one of the primary things I struggle with in my relationship with Taylor. Culture hands us a script, written by NT people, and when your ND partner doesn't adhere to it, you think something is wrong, but in reality, the "un-bright" behavior is a reflection of safety and comfort--a good sign for a relationship.

[@saturn446]

Woah okay as a kid I remember my parents asking me stuff like "you don't act like this in public, right? So why at home do you start yelling, acting out, etc" And now looking back...well, it's because in public I'm always keeping up a mask, keeping up a persona. At home I can let loose bc I know my parents will love me no matter what. I've only now been really starting to realized I may be autistic, and it's like every day I discover something about myself. Thank you for this comment and thank you @MomontheSpectrum for this video and your channel in general!

[@molchmolchmolchmolch]

Wow I wonder now if this is what was going on with a former bf - I was always bemused and sometimes pissed that he seemed to be way more interested in basically anyone else he talked to. Whenever I asked about it he said no, that's not how he feels but he was never able to explain to me why he seemed so much more alert, listening, interested when talking to others while I often felt he wasn't listening to me at all much less with interest bc he wasn't looking at, seemed distracted and often didn't say much in response. I'm not sure but if that's what that was then ooooof. I hope he learns to understand himself a little better so he can communicate this to others. If it is sthg like you described and not just a bad cover for actual disinterest.

[@rbaid161]

@@MomontheSpectrumI just discovered your channel! And so glad I found it as I just figured out this week that I am autistic but haven’t had an official diagnosis yet. But glad to read the comment of you also enjoying music with good “base”. 😁❤️

[@VintageShop74]

Dang y'all are just the cutest 😍

[@SABRMatt2010]

I love watching you guys interact...you can really...really see the love in your eyes.

[@emmlyemml2948]

Thank you❤

[@Dbellerive22605]

This was amazing !!! I have a newly diagnosed 17yo… so not a partner, but it was still VERY helpful for me as a single momma. So THANK YOU for this!! You guys are definitely a relationship goal !! ♥️

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Aw thank you! Thanks for your comment.

[@mannuzan8791]

Yes! I've started watching this video thinking about sending it to my friends/crush for them to learn a lil bit more about how to deal with me, but I ended up thinking more about my parents during the video. I really wish they spoke english so I could send this to them ^^

[@curiousbystander9193]

an old buddy just told me he is overwhelmed as teacher with the number of 504 and sped plans coming across his desk.... please feed your new born whole foods, gm free, organic, no hfc and lminimal cane sugar, and low acid foods. You too may find some of your so called asd sensitivities may subside, while helping assure your child meets developmental milestones within norms... or are norms changing now too? My question is, why is there not more of this kind of advice on these boards?

[@sallysmiles3214]

I’m autistic and can definitely see this video beneficial for any type of relationship: spouse, friend, family, work, etc

[@TRXST.ISSUES]

A follow up on point #1 when I was ten years old I got frustrated with my mom that we were walking too slow to get to school since I had it down to exactly 13 minutes and I could tell we weren’t keeping pace. I don’t know what it is but having time concrete and precise helps so much with reducing frustration. A definite quirk

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Not sure if it's related but I've always been an incredibly fast walker and DO NOT LIKE walking slow or having ANYONE walk in front of me. Or drive in front of me.

[@shadowfox933]

My commute to work takes 19 minutes, and it upsets me when it takes longer due to traffic or otherwise

[@ruthbarratt-peacock8688]

I have the same thing too, but also with numbers. I'm not a maths person AT ALL, but I always say exactly how much things cost. I cannot handle conversations where my SO talks about things being 'expensive' or 'cheap' because it could mean anything. I just want things to be clear and correct so we can work from there.

[@solangelalebron1348]

All that stuff that's been mentioned doesn't make someone Autistic. That's just a preference or characteristic of them. It would be boring to have all humans on planet earth behave the same. Everyone is different. Some are fast, some are slow and some are moderate. Period. Wtf I want to walk slow for getting more and more toxic chemicals poisons thrown on me with this atmosphere. There are thousand of nuclear power plants and car exhaust all around us and were inhaling all that stuff. The more people stay outside the more of that crap they ingest. No thanks! Every time I'm longer than 2 hours outside I get bad allergies when I get back home and have the take benadryl which makes me constipated. It's one thing or another in satans land right now. People need to stop saying that each little thing of their personality is autism. That has become like a trend now. All woke people are now Autistic?🙄🙄🙄🙄 Please give me a break!

[@wowk7140]

@@MomontheSpectrum they are autistic in my father's family. Loads of autistic people. I'm also autistic and we're incredibly fast walkers. To the point that people named us something along of the line of “the Tuj family walk” lol. Maybe, this has something to do with autism!

[@camillenelson8909]

Thank you for keeping this video up. It is important.

[@aSneakyDaffodil]

A lot of great insights here thank you so much!

[@HectorMurrieta]

Great video, thanks for sharing. My wife is autistic too, & a lot of things mentioned here are spot on. My analogy is that my brain & my wife’s are like a PC & a Mac computer; both capable, but different! I’m gonna share your channel with her. Cheers!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Awesome! Thanks for your comment and welcome to the channel.

[@priscillafrye2951]

Brilliant comparison!

[@oakleafninja23]

I absolutely love that metaphor!

[@HectorMurrieta]

@@priscillafrye2951 Thx!

[@HectorMurrieta]

@@oakleafninja23 Thx!

[@eric35red]

My wife has just recognised she’s diverse and this video, the honesty, the simplicity has been so helpful to me. Well done both for sharing so much. We both relate to you both so much

[@aschrab]

I love the blue goop stuff. I had that when doing rehab for my hand, amazing stuff for fidgeting as well!

[@CyberfunkVorlon]

Real talk, thanks guys ❤

[@jenn_jean_kent_artist]

Husband and I both finding out we are on the spectrum, in our 50’s. Entering neurodiverse couples counseling. Thank you both so much for bringing awareness and insight. I can sooooo related to your wife!!!! Weighted blanket, crochet...I’m there!!! We both have different manifestations of autism. It’s a crazy life with us, but we are getting answers. We are learning and growing and that’s what matters...UNDERSTANDING and COMPASSION. 💕💕💜💜

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Understanding and compassion! Yes 🙌🏻

[@SadieHartMusic]

Beautiful! Sounds eye-opening and maybe even liberating!?

[@solangelalebron1348]

If you already need a therapist at the beginning of marriage....wtf is the point of the relationship. Marriage is hard enough. So if you need a therapist at the start, trust and believe it's not going to end up good. A relationship shouldn't take so much effort. It should flow. If it doesn't then it's a burden. God didn't make soulmates to be burdens. It's the opposite, being with a soulmate would make everything in life a lot easier, not harder.

[@surlespasdondine]

@@solangelalebron1348 No that's not the right way to look at it. In fact, it's good to see a therapist right awy to avoid pitfalls from the start. We are doing well in our relationship after 14 years but i totally get why getting therapy right at the start could be a really good idea.Most of us are not born as great communicators.

[@solangelalebron1348]

@@surlespasdondine If someone is meant to be together, no matter how long they haven't talked, they would open up to the person they love. So if you aren't a good communicater with them then there is obviously an incompatibility problem and a therapist can't fix that.

[@aaronvalencia753]

My girlfriend is neurodiverse and this really helped me understand her better. I want a future with her, and being able to understand who she really is seems like one of the first big steps to take towards That goal

[@PEMDASbaby]

Why would you not want your children to have the best 💩

[@heathwilder]

Neurodivergent. And you rock!

[@rengsn4655]

this video has clearly brought value to a lot of people. there's probably a lot of things here are still valid for you. I'm just wondering what your commentary would be on this video post-divorce. maybe for a future video?

[@Nirosha101]

This is soooooo helpful 🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@eddavanleemputten9232]

So recognisable! My daughter was diagnosed at 16 and we both have very strong suspicions I am on the spectrum as well (no money yet for a diagnosis for me). What we cape up with is: Never assume. That’s something that goes both ways. A relationship between two neuro-diverse people just as much as a relationship between a neuro-typical and a neuro-diverse person needs statements like “I’ve reached my eye contact limit”. My SO works in IT. He qualifies his relationship with me as an Apple system and a Microsoft system trying to work together. There are similarities but also things that simply are different and you need to accept it. It simply is the way it is. One thing my SO has needed to learn is not to ask me at what time exactly I’ll arrive at his place when we scheduled a date. I’m a single mother with two pets, a fulltime job and two ageing parents who need my help (and my father probably is on the spectrum too). Giving him a precise time stresses me out no end because I immediately see the millions of unexpected things that might happen, possibly causing me not to arrive precisely at the appointed time. So we’ve learned to live with statements like “My goal is to at X o’clock but chances are I’ll only make it out the door at Y o’clock - I’ll send you an ETA based on my car’s GPS the moment I leave. That gives him 45 minutes to know I’m coming his way, an estimate of the earliest possible arrival time and the latest possible time. It gives us both something to work with and gives me peace of mind there is some kind of contingency plan should unexpected things crop up. Verbalise. “Can you look at X when you’re done with Y?” “I am going to need alone time after (…).” Don’t spam a neuro-diverse person with rapid-fire questions unless you give them time to write them down. Most neuro-diverse people feel the need to answers them, preferably in detail, and will become very stressed if you keep firing off questions whilst they’re trying to answer one question. As a neuro-diverse person, it helps to say “I’ll get back to you on those questions” and to write them down. You can then go through those questions one by one, methodically. As a neuro-typical person, expect to receive a bulleted report back. Depending on the questions at hand, it’ll include links, charts, statistics. It’s both our Achilles Heel and our superpower. As a neuro-typical person, never reply with “Yes” to the question if you want an honest answer if you don’t really want one. Because you WILL get it. Clinically, honestly and exhaustively. We try to be diplomatic but our version of diplomacy might not be yours. At all. Thinking of neuro-diverse people as cats can be very helpful. Cats are highly sensitive to changes in their routine, can be extremely affectionate but will be so only when they feel safe, aren’t affectionate with everyone, and have their very own set of social cues… and most of them aren’t overly fond of direct eye contact. As a neuro-typical person, remember that your neuro-diverse partner has a super-power. Neuro-diverse people often have the knack of picking up on discrepancies, mismatches between body language and verbal messages (they throw us off, ergo we know something isn’t right), can lay their finger on that little sore spot that could ruin a big project but everyone misses… and will often not only have a plan B for when that happens, but an entire alphabet of plans to choose from depending on the outcome. At times they NEED to let loose the beast and dive into the rabbit hole of planning out those alternatives. Let them. Not always (it’s exhausting) but some times. Help them to channel that need. Help your neuro-divergent partner celebrate their “weirdness”. Example: when I prepared to go on vacation I needed to plan the hand-over of my work cases. I had a check-list that was accessible to my colleagues so they could add items they felt they might need information on (in a separate section, of course). One item on my check-list was “Forget something”. Adding this item gave me peace. Reality is that there is no such thing as a perfect hand-over. There will ALWAYS be something that slips through the cracks. My colleagues thought it was funny and cute. For me it was a necessity and it helped me to let go. Some times, some neuro-divergent people will harness an overload of a chosen stimulus to drown out stimuli they cannot handle. For me, it’s heavy metal music. When stress builds up I will some times hop in my car, pick a playlist featuring Rammstein, Disturbed, AC/DC etc, crank up the volume and drive. A straight stretch of highway and a barrage of sound takes away the overload of thoughts, uncertainties, and variables whirring through my brain. I can let the aggression/irritation flow out through the music, getting things to fall back into their place and make me capable of breaking them down into manageable pieces to be taken on one by one. If your neuro-divergent partner needs a physical outlet, let them. Don’t be scared if it seems violent or destructive. Whacking away at a piece of wood with an axe until neat-exhaustion or whaling away at a lump of bread dough can be a necessary outlet. Help your partner to find one that is helpful. The examples stated here provide firewood for the stove and tasty bread. What’s wrong with that? Who cares if it seems unfeminine and your partner is female? Similarly, your partner might need to let the beast of detaillism loose at times too. So what if your male partner delights in a session of micro-macramé or likes to dive into a complex pattern of lace knitting to shut the world out for a few hours? Maybe agree on a set amount of time for a particular session of it, but let them. It prevents so much worse and shortens recovery time. I’ve once described mental health as being similar to a bank account. You can’t keep making withdrawals. You need to make deposits too because being overdrawn leads to having to pay interest rates that rack up faster and faster. Just paying the interests doesn’t work long term. Only making minimum payments only deepens the hole you’re digging. You need to come back to black figures and preferably have some savings, too. This goes for neuro-typical people just as much as for neuro-divergent people. The difference lies in which way the withdrawals and deposits are made. Being aware of one’s “mental bank balance” and that of our partner, and being open about it, is all too often neglected. End of rant. Sorry, I know it was long even though I still feel it’s woefully incomplete. And so different for everyone!

[@JinAndSodaTV]

this is the umpteenth time i've watched this video since the upload, and i occasionally go thru the comments again too.. so dont be sorry for your rant!! i really enjoyed reading this 😇 in fact, i'm going to shamelessly copy and paste it on a microsoft notepad, and save it just to be able to reference back to it 🥰

[@eddavanleemputten9232]

@@JinAndSodaTV - You just made my day! 💖

[@jber346]

I love this :)

[@dawnguyer4268]

This is clearly an authentic explanation and reaction. I found it interesting that I was reacting with similar facial and body responses as Taylor. It is beautiful to see how this diagnosis grew your relationship ♥️

[@ARomashchenko]

the bandwidth thing was really useful for me

[@theyoungsjeffsamantha23]

Please make the volume louder. 😊. Thanks for giving your tips!

[@Senfree]

My husband and I are both autistic, but I'm medium masking and he's low masking, and masking differences can also cause a lot of hiccups in communication, because trying to read ques that aren't there that you've been taught to read on neurotypicals can muddle things up. You would think knowing the other person is autistic would make you stop trying to read "hidden ques", but when they're so ingrained in your social survival, you can't easily turn it off.

[@ashleynance7038]

I feel this. Similar situation here. It takes time to unlearn, but we can do it!

[@sandraw8588]

i would love to see a video where the roles are switched! As an autistic person I find it very hard to understand the needs of my boyfriend sometimes. I feel like I burden him with lots of specific needs whilst I just seem to miss his key needs! We talk a lot about this together but I'd like to have more examples of how others do this. It can be hard sometimes!

[@haleya18]

As an allistic spouse, I would love to see this video as well!

[@craigobikes123]

This video has been so helpful for me (neurotypical). Thanks for making it.

[@monalisuhas5104]

Thank you for helping her

[@rebeccakrezanski8227]

This is exactly what my relationship needs! So many helpful tips and similarities to my situation. Thank you for sharing this!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re so welcome! Please let me know if you think of any other resources or video ideas that would be helpful for you

[@jemmajohnson7037]

And mine too thank you sooo much for this video!!! 😊

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re welcome!

[@aubreythompson1233]

Taylor looking like she’s getting anxious just discussing the stress of hypothetical social events - I so feel that.

[@AMBanner]

I’m going to try and watch this again with my husband. He takes so much personally around my distance with him.

[@LadyJennivieve]

This video is GOLD!

[@jille9747]

Wish I'd known this stuff 30 years ago. I struggled for 25 years with my aspie husband never knowing until the last 2 yrs of our marriage that he was on the spectrum. By then we'd both hurt each other so much that we were unable to stay together. I've just stumbled upon this video and cried while watching it... So many helpful suggestions... Could have changed the story of my life if I'd known sooner. In sending it to all of my family members because now we've got a whole group of us in a big Neuro different family. Great job you guys! Keep going!

[@PowerOfAIandMotivation]

That was awesome, thank you two, explained very clearly while still showing authentic love and enjoyment of each other, wish you two the best even more 👍🏻

[@metafive1]

Using the Teaspoon analogy is also good

[@naturandmor]

Could you do a video behind the scense too?😊

[@Vertchu]

I love this. Especially the ''Authenticity on the web'' part, at the end ^^ Thanks for sharing this. Feels like we might need more of these kinds of videos - sharing transparently, openly, lovingly, and acceptingly.

[@LS-sg8rb]

You two are stonkin' cute together. But more importantly, you care, and have struggled through to a thoughtful place where you value each other and your own needs. That was really nice to see.

[@cris_balm7460]

Love a good gif! ❤❤❤❤

[@TerenceKearns]

Wow. That was super super helpful. Thank you both for sharing. This video will be helpful for as long as people can see it. Awesome work 👍👍👍

[@vonp588]

I’m so thankful I found this video. It’s making so much sense why myself and my girlfriend are struggling. She’s autistic and I definitely got the vibes of I was always doing something wrong.

[@IdibidiKids]

Hi from Western Australia. I was recently diagnosed age 45!!!! Thank you for this video. Very refreshing, authentic and funny ;) Really good tips for NT guys

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You're so welcome! Please let me know if there are any additional resources or videos I could share that might be helpful to you. Thanks for watching.

[@eviewesner6231]

I REALLY appreciated especially the last few min!!!

[@208Fstreet]

You two are amazing! Tytyty

[@karenmacphee9186]

Thank you 🙏 Y’all are great together 🥰💖

[@ruthbarratt-peacock8688]

I would love to hear more about how reducing masking behaviour effected your relationship and how you got through that (if you would feel comfortable sharing!).

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Great suggestion! Thanks for sharing.

[@Nuverselive]

This has been the toughest part . I want to see him without mask but when he takes it off it seems as if he becomes Mr. Hide and Dr. Jekyll. In those moments I prefer the nice mask but in my heart I know true intimacy can't grow if we are masked. So yeah this topic is very key. I will be sure to share channel with my husband. We are also creating exercises and tips soon! Y'all made us laugh because we felt resonance deeply despite the fact we don't know one another and may have completely different philosophies on life❣️ We have some jokes we use to lighten the mood. This helps a lot. On my way! Thing that has been rough for me as a Neuro-typical wife is being physically intimate . My heart craves connection before physical touch however emotional reciprocate is an unrealistic, unfair expectation. It's like expecting a blind spouse to perfectly color treat your hair 😂 Letting go of expectations was scary but it slows more space for love to show up organically as we learn more about ourselves! So if u haven't already shared tips for sex especially if the tension has accumulated due to business of life as well as communication issues. Since I don't know what he's feeling nor does he due to alexithemia , my body screams " IT's not safe" ! I have a history of abuse growing up which caused complex ptsd. We are soldiers of love❣️Generations behind us will benefit from our commitment to learning how to stay together and actually be inspiration for others 💚We are really enjoying yall💚😀

[@lisarose1420]

It really sucks when you’re working hard to come out of your masking closet And then your SO is trying to throw you back in there Lucky for me I was already diagnosed in this present relationship I made it clear that masking was not going to be part of our time alone together I am curious to know when he might be wishing I were masking I’ve started to ask him about it So far he doesn’t want to say

[@Mimoza262]

Must be so tough to be with a spouse who never wants, or is unable to socialise and you have to go out a lot on your own. It must be a very lonely place to be. You have my sympathies.

[@trishanawilson5429]

Can y’all do a video on how you’ve learned to navigate arguments so they don’t get to that blow up or shut down stage? Even if it’s like tips on how you’ve learned to deal with them that have been helpful

[@julieedes401]

This video was so helpful & healing for me. I don’t feel alone anymore.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

💓

[@debz673]

This is so good. Thank you! Thank you for taking the time to put this together. The list was spot on; super helpful (also, I appreciate the time stamps).

[@MomontheSpectrum]

WOO HOO! Thanks for the feedback! Sometimes I'm like... does anybody use these?? :) Thanks so much for watching. I love making the videos and connecting to others who experience life in similar ways!

[@laurenjohnson5880]

Wow, this was one of the most helpful videos I've ever seen in my life, thank you!!!

[@solidbluebrian]

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

[@juniper5438]

I have a neurodiverse husband and daughter and your videos have brought so much understanding and practical advice that I don't know where to begin to thank you! An extra thank you to Scott for mentioning that neurodiversity is a gift

[@TRXST.ISSUES]

I’m on point #1 and I can already tell this is going to be amazing!!!!! Thanks for making this you two and for the shoutout!!!! :D

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Thanks for watching! As you know, making online content is a little nerve-racking and I appreciate the support.

[@britneygoodman6961]

I literally narrate out loud the important commands and probably sound crazy walking around telling myself what I'm doing... 😂

[@humilulo]

this video is golden. thanks!

[@molliegrrrr]

So helpful! I sent this to my husband. Thank you both.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re welcome! Thanks for watching. Please let me know if you think of suggestions for future videos!

[@filibusterfirework74]

Thank you so much for sharing this conversation. I am neurodivergent but not autistic and love learning more about other folks in the neurodivergent community. Despite consistently seeking out discussions like this I think I have learned so much from both of your experiences ❤️ thank you for sharing 🎉

[@Jessica-cm8mn]

This is amazing thank you for sharing

[@JennyEliz_IstheShiz]

That cup metaphor is really great! Thank you for this video!

[@jayandriot6454]

By far Tip #10 is the most important of all. As an autistic adult I am not broken and do not need to be fixed. This is the best video I’ve seen on autism, thanks so much for posting it.

[@lindat1078]

I am 72 and have realized I’m on the spectrum. Love all the qualities and compassion coming from your husband. I’ve been married 3 times (last one was 21 years) . I don’t think any of them understood me. I also have two sons and 2 grandsons on the spectrum. Wish I would have known how to have support when I was younger. I also am ADHD and a recovering alcoholic. Finally gave up masking and feels so good. I live a quiet introverted life. Thank you so much for this talk!❤😊

[@ImGoingToMakeShowsWithOprah]

I like this video. And completely agree with all these.

[@DianaKayUSA]

Luv this! Thank you! 💜

[@sarathompson4824]

My partner and our daughter are autistic. He's 37 and we are just learning this, no official diagnosis yet but working on it. I feel so overwhelmed and lost on what to do from here and you have been so helpful!! Thank you for sharing your story!!

[@taylorwarner4754]

This video has made me realize how inconsiderate of a partner I have been! I appreciate your openness in sharing your life with us internet junkies, and 100% liked and subscribed I really hope to continue learning from you both 💛

[@ARbode3]

I have been looking for this, my flatmate is autistic. Now I understand him better!

[@keithbell4744]

THANK YOU

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re welcome! 🙏🏼

[@davidknight2715]

I found your comment about feeling like you were becoming more autistic fascinating. Im 66 years old, i was diagnosed with aspergers 9 years ago. My wife of 43 years has had a very difficult time with it because I cant be fixed. But she is an angel, and trys so hard everyday to understand and help me. And many days, especially during those difficult times we have, i feel like im becoming more autistic- so hearing that said will help me to accept those feeling; which were becoming somewhat more difficult for me. Like i was losing or letting her down. I wish you both much love and success and hope you will continue to spread the word - we are "normal" too!

[@imthedailymaker]

I am glad you made this, and yet sad that I know the next chapter too. I can see the friendship and love in these moments that were built over many years. You deserve God’s best, Taylor. ❤

[@diabloeb]

I will say this, a good knowledge of psychology and comedy does wonders for your ability to mask should the need arise 😁

[@alisonsattler6396]

Great video! What a respectful and accepting way to relate to each other!

[@kd2eat]

My wife is autistic and these tips are really spot on for us as well. She was diagnosed late in life, and well after we were married. I wish we had more understanding and resources about this when we were younger. Thanks so much for sharing!

[@MomontheSpectrum]

You’re welcome. Thanks so much for your comment.

[@emmahagan1531]

Thank you for this. There was a lot to relate to here, and I’ve been trying to communicate with my NT Partner about a lot of these issues. Just sent this video to him. Appreciate your honesty and willingness to share. 💜

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Of course. Thank you for your comment.

[@margueritejourdan]

Brilliant!!

[@WPT_NL]

Loved this, thank you!

[@shahjmir]

I love this video so much! You guys are so precious. Living as an autistic person around neurotypicals all day every day is so hard.

[@JesseEricksonSutton]

I’ve never been diagnosed autistic, but I relate very much to Taylor with a lot of this. So many things. Especially the alone time thing. Even just a shower is day changing.

[@ambitiousmuslimrecordings3451]

Yeah this video is making me question whether I am autistic or not. Especially since she was only diagnosed at the age of 32.

[@blendedfaml-o.s5206]

Looking for your video for Marriage and autism would love to watch it

[@elizabethhouser3357]

Thank you! More stuff for couples! Every book seems targeted at kids with autism.

[@KT-sl4js]

None of this applies to me, at least at the moment, but the love, honesty and tenderness is so evident here. Found myself watching the whole video. Very lovely watch!

[@emilyjohnson333]

Thank you for everything you said about not being able to communicate when the lighting changes! I have been attributing this exclusively to my migraine disorder until just now learning this is a thing for other neurodivergent people! Knowing that I’m able to look back & identify “ok this time it was overwhelming vs caused by pain”. That is so valuable to me because it may help me better explain my needs to people

[@katharinaweber8779]

Thanks, that was really helpful !!!!

[@shannonmariamiller2138]

Spectacular. What a team!