Avoid Avoiding Conflict | David Thornsen, PsyD | TEDxMuskegon

[@akaibs]

My heart just beats really fast when there is any form of confrontation idk why, I want to overcome this.

[@someoneyoudontknow6788]

I recommend the upper video. I also think that heart starts pumping, because the brain is noticing that a conflict is coming and heart starts pumping blood faster that it can come into brain for quick problem resolving and pumping through out the body so your reflexes are sharper, like a defense mechanism. Also that says you are good hearted person who does not like drama and stupidity in his life.

[@tai2264]

Are you arabic , iam arabic , i don't like conflicts and there are conflicts everywhere

[@ishootbishez]

It screws up ur partner, too. :-/ I hope you find the help you need.

[@DrillEntertainmentNetwork]

same

[@WhatYourPastorDidntTellYou]

Would you say you get anxious as well? It’s most likely due to a previous scenario where you are in confrontation and you don’t have a good memory of it.

[@Albo_AK]

I was scared of conflict because I’ve never really gotten to a lot of confrontations in my life. But little by little, the more you get into confrontations the less you get scared of getting into one. You get afraid of confrontation because in your life you never really had to confront anyone, so you’re pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. That’s why you get scared to do it. But as you do it more often, you won’t get as scared to and won’t let people step all over you.

[@Calel_S]

That’s the truth. I was like that too as a young boy because I was quite small, lighter skinned, skinny, lived in a rough neighborhood, and younger then everybody in my grade (graduated at 17, began the year at 16). After i got into my first hard fight at 12 with a kid 3 years older then me, all my fears vanished once I knocked his front tooth out and broke his nose accidentally via ground n pound. Got suspended for 3 good days tho but my pops was hella proud of me. I never forget that my pops went and bought me that super smash bros game I been wantin and bought me some nachos and cheese from taco bell lol. Crazy thing is now almost 20 years later I don’t look like that small, approachable kid anymore, some would say even the opposite, but that same courageous heart still beats hard in my chest!

[@maabaltayeb3128]

That’s completely true I noticed this , today I went through a conflict and I was feeling good I wasn’t scared

[@summero-my5in]

I’m scared because I had too many confrontations throughout my childhood and now I think any confrontation will end with me being in intense emotional/physical pain :/ dunno how to fix this

[@summero-my5in]

Since it’s been almost a year now, hope ur more confident now

[@Hugo-xj2mj]

Facts, as with a lot of things in life that we are afraid of the answer is very simple: just do it. The more you do it the more comfortable you get

[@P90XGetRipped]

I think my fear of conflict comes from my childhood. My dad is good man but he sure does have a temper, and whenever I’d get in trouble, he’d put the fear of God in me with how angry he’d get. To this day, conflict and seeing/hearing someone being angry makes me incredibly anxious

[@georginacollado08]

I went through the exact same scenario with my dad. In my relationship our biggest struggle is when I avoid conflict and shut down. 😐 I needed to be so perfect for my dad that anything that I do wrong I become defensive because I’m supposed to be “perfect”. I get anxiety as well. I have been doing a lot of self reflection and need to accept I’m not perfect and hold myself accountable and communicate instead of keeping things within.

[@ricardocantoral7672]

Same with my mother.

[@otissied652]

Same

[@SergiosFitness_]

I agree Im going the same route as you, now as I realized more of it I kinda do like it that's gets me to work on myself a little harder sometimes we can't control everything and just go with the flow little by little I pray to and that helps ik now in days or ever sum people don't believe but when I pray I feel better to work

[@davidharrison8592]

I had the same experience. I just realized how much that has affected me. Even worse, I interact with my kids the exact same way.😢

[@jakelodwick]

Great talk. I guess he’s saying that by avoiding conflict with others, we redirect it into ourselves, compromising our integrity. This implies that personal integrity isn’t some abstract notion but a measurement of your physical identity as you go about your life. My takeaway phrase would be “express your conflicts”, which means making your problem other people’s problem. This sounds bad, but if those people are your friends or family anyway, then they’re already suffering with you. So they might as well get involved in the solution.

[@mikeb932]

Niiiiice

[@nishthagupta1357]

Exactly ❤

[@homeboy]

excelent

[@SaraYW35m]

Right on

[@DIGGERfromAR]

Conflict is not negative; how it is addressed does. Conflict does not require compromise; there are five approaches: avoidance, competition, compliance, compromise, and collaboration. Being honest is an important aspect of resolving the conflict.

[@lisanimusiima6732]

"Prioritise honesty in relationship over the perceived reaction of the other to conflict"- well said

[@mikelisteral7863]

buddhist method: conflict and rejection dont exist in reality, only in the mind, get out of the mind an pay attention to the abundance of the real reality

[@Elsindustrialpropertymalaysia]

thanks to this I have gained the braveness to talk to my boss about our conflict and it is indeed work easier then I imagined it will be. I have been in this dilemma and internal conflict for 2 years. Thanks again and hopefully some of you who read this and give it a try

[@SlobZombie]

Nice job

[@ImTyMotivation]

This advice could legit change the world

[@concerned1]

Sound City some people don’t want it to change. They like it how it is.

[@brenaebuckhanon1089]

I love love looove this explanation! I am a visual thinker and I’m glad he showed me briefly what I am doing to myself

[@ADHDMartialArtsFiend-vw3fj]

I think the underlying fear of confrontation comes from a fear of rejection which is ingrained in us as a survival mechanism. In the old days rejection by the tribe = starvation. These days it can mean a job loss. And it can be hard to know which battles to pick, when to powerfully ignore an insult (aka stoicism), or when to be aggressive. It takes trial and error and for some of us - lots and lots of error.

[@tomatom9666]

I am a big fan of stoicism, I've read Marcus Aurelius' meditations and Seneca's letters multiple times. I think Stoicism does not apply to interpersonal relationships very well. Plus, being stoic is not the same as having a flat affect like Ryan Gosling in Bladerunner 2049 or something, it's a philosophy, not a physical stance. Being "stoic" in a relationship would probably mean prioritizing honesty and truth and never repressing it, because their is no use in being afraid of the truth.

[@trappart9209]

There are friendships and close relationships as well. It is necessary to not avoid conflict (not the same as seeking conflict or being aggressive) because if we avoid conflict we self abandon and self neglect

[@HonesE57]

The real bummer is when one person wants desperately to work through conflict, and the other just refuses to admit the truth that there is conflict. Very frustrating! I keep trying, but honestly I am getting really tired.

[@chabamasfidler9895]

I​ started avoiding conflict​ after I had my​ first​ ever mental breakdown last year.​ I​ used to​ be so opinionated, often hotheaded, but defiant and​ straight up with​ people.​ Now im​ trying to​ build back my​ grit.​ I​ clicked on​ this​ video to​ calm down after​ telling the​ airbnb tenants next door to​ keep it​ down.​ Stomach churned, and​ heart beat outta my​ chest,​ mind went empty.​ But they shut up.​ Hopefully this​ reprogramming works if I keep​ at​ it.

[@gabriella3993]

Well done 😊

[@nishthagupta1357]

Same here! Exactly! 😭❤🙌🏻

[@somemadsci1923]

So.... How are you doing now? I am struggling with the same issue btw

[@tomatom9666]

I also had a mental breakdown during covid. I wonder who didn't have a mental breakdown, at this point :D

[@wandaad]

The YT channel ‘cup of empathy’ has great videos on solving conflict or even ‘de-conflicting’ the situation by focussing on each persons underlying needs.

[@willclark1219]

That was soooooo great! Thank you! I usually avoid conflict and now I feel like my opinion doesn’t matter, therefore I tend to not speak my mind

[@Alphacentauri819]

The root of why you feel your opinion doesn’t matter...is what can be healed to change. Feeling your opinion doesn’t matter, is a form of self invalidation and dismissal. Taking yourself into consideration, as much as others is so important. Only you can be your own best advocate. Do you know your attachment style? That can be key to healing the subconscious programming and core wounds that form a belief that one’s opinions don’t matter. Hope you can heal, assert yourself and be empowered to design your own life! It’s absolutely possible 💫

[@SlobZombie]

@@Alphacentauri819 I'm Avoidant attachment

[@Alphacentauri819]

@@SlobZombie maybe it could be worded as "I have avoidant attachment"😊 Just a gentle suggestion. You are a human. You are so much more...you aren't the attachment style. To see it that way helps to empower a lot more. Anytime we say "I am" ...-fill in the blank-, the way our mind works, is that it entrenches and over identifies with us being that, as if it's inextricable from who we are. Makes it hard to get out of any learned helplessness etc and propel ourselves forward. My heart goes out to you. Avoidant attachment comes from not being seen, heard, known in childhood. You do matter.

[@miguelsoria2174]

Why is there not more views on this video? So short but so straightforward it definitely provides a lot of truth and advice.

[@Tinkerginamama]

Awww I like him and I like just his demeanor. What a great 5 min speech!

[@DoHisProphetsNoHarm]

My heart starts beating my mind starts looking for solution but then I start either crying or get defensive and angry instead I’m working on this

[@skye1386]

Always makes me anxious, makes my heart skips. I want peace and order all the time.

[@yuanfeng7266]

I have a touch of Aspergers and I would say we are not built for handling any conflict situations. It's not advisable for an Aspie to take on too much pressure because we could end up mental breakdown and messing up everything, which is a bigger problem than the conflict itself.

[@Alphacentauri819]

People with Aspergers can learn self advocacy and assertiveness. The fear of the conflict & avoidance of it, often perpetuate it more...and it becomes a self reinforced cycle. If you are vulnerable and honest about your struggles with conflict, that’s much better than avoiding it. Many people will respect that over avoidance behaviors. Cognitive distortions and self limiting beliefs can be addressed too. Empowerment is possible! Knowing your needs and boundaries & staying those clearly is key. You can also say something like “I’m struggling with this and it’s too much right now, but I’ll get back to you”. That’s respectable. My ex who has Aspergers, would just stonewall or take off, creating more conflict. Avoidance doesn’t make things go away, ever. It just delays (and often amplifies) the inevitable.

[@Alphacentauri819]

Mark Hutten has some great KZbin videos for those who have Aspergers. He has a great, supportive approach!

[@rebekahnadine]

Thank you!

[@GyanAddict]

I needed this.. Thanks a lot Mr. Thornsen and TEDx.

[@Birdman117]

This guy is the one every bish need to hear this literally would change the world

[@vafy7527]

we moved back to our home town in different months. My roommate honestly just left my important stuff that was in her locker without letting me know or the hostel warden know ..even after I had asked her to bring it back with her . She didn't even inform me that she couldn't bring it with her..when asked she told me that she had all the stuff with her. Until now months after that I was about to visit her to get it back...I came to know about how she never had it. I m so angry and I hate confrontation. I could barely tell her how it was important to me..and that too I m feeling really bad because she was kinda feeling guilty.

[@artofficialintelligence]

Almost avoided watching this video. 😐

[@omondi_wa_butere]

this is exactly what I needed to hear, Thank you David & TED

[@Gabbiereal]

Thanks for sharing!

[@Ms_T_Perfectly_Imperfect]

Profound. I'm totally using this in my everyday life.

[@mercedesochoa100]

I hit someone's parked car today. We were parked, i opened my door and didnt realize the person beside me was getting into their car, they had their door open, so my door hit theirs. They started yelling at me and then the person i was in the car with. I started semi crying while they were yelling at my driver. Nobody saw me, thankfully lol, but i cry every. Single. Time. Something bad happens to me. I feel like a coward and wanna stop lol

[@acceptancebelieves1908]

The fear of God, is the beginning of wisdom

[@Alphacentauri819]

When we take others behavior personally and make it mean something...about us, that’s where things can feel pretty bad. We need to challenge our thinking, heal our core wounds (often develop in childhood) which inform our lenses of ourselves and the world. If we let others validation or judgment define us, we are giving away our power. The person would have yelled at anyone who hit their car...so it wasn’t personal. They likely were scared, worried about the car, maybe don’t have the $$/time to deal with it...it could be hundreds of possibilities. Them not managing their behavior is not your responsibility! No one is perfect, things like this happen. It doesn’t diminish your worth. If you love, accept, yourself...you’ll be confident to face these situations and not be very affected. Anyone who is going to yell at someone like that, lacks acceptance and love themselves. So, they’re acting out. Developing a shield to others negativity is powerful. The Personal Development School, KZbin channel has changed my life. I used to take things a lot more personally, worry about what others thought, be hard on myself, was a people pleaser and so on. It was such a disempowered way to live! I’m still healing, but have come so far! It’s possible. I wish you confidence, self acceptance, self advocacy, and peace 💫

[@mercedesochoa100]

@@Alphacentauri819 thank you. I honestly really appreciate your reply here, I'm gunna start listening to that KZbin channel for help. You're right, we're not responsible for those reactions, and they would've acted the same w anybody

[@Alphacentauri819]

@@mercedesochoa100 I hope it helps you as much as it’s helped me! You are worth it, to be empowered and confident! Blessings 💛💫

[@sharon-us5zh]

@@Alphacentauri819 thank you for this😊

[@rogiervantilburg3440]

Very helpful, thank you!

[@Storifiedyt]

Very Very important video sir

[@neilarcher2551]

Better idea. Avoiding trying to avoid avoiding conflict and just have a nice cup of tea instead. Angry people just end up with high blood pressure anyway.

[@simonsmith6213]

Cool. Thank you

[@dr.feelgood3670]

I always try to avoid conflicts with strangers because they’re so unpredictable, I don’t know if this man I’m arguing over music volume with has a gun, I always view conflict with strangers as “someone has to die at the end of this, either me or him” I want to overcome this

[@ChuckleHoneybear]

move out of america

[@Mai.glith69]

this is exactly how I feel too, not sure how i will overcome it either way.

[@letsgoBrandon204]

Terry and Shaun would make a great sitcom

[@globington]

5:05 This is what a TED talk in North Korea would sound like 😂

[@lamisragab637]

I cover my ears and close the doors every time I hear yelling at my house, my heart keep beating so fast and I feel so stressed

[@millieib5776]

My lip starts to twitch when I’m confronted i really want to overcome this

[@Jdabomb93]

5:05 Weirdest applause ever. 👏 Must be a cultural custom, to clap off beat. Lol

[@jsp1nk3]

Jdabomb93 clap clap clap...pause...clap clap clap. Haha I think it was just an editing slip up. Not so subtle blending.

[@bryanb7632]

Lmao

[@Versace_colon]

Jdabomb93 no one clapped and it was edited in.

[@Jdabomb93]

samuel colon I know. I was joking lol

[@defunkdafied]

LMAO 😭

[@srggn6673]

I have healthy confrontation with my family and my friends But I avoid confrontation When I plan to elliminate people See the different?

[@sumeyyepolat7784]

great talk very inspiring

[@ketoiloino1]

thank you

[@BARFHOUSE]

Wow. So true!

[@zadokprime4831]

If people actually learned from conflict.... if there weren't narcissists who don't learn... this would be correct. Nobody in their right mind would engage in constant or intermittent conflict that has the same root cause without resolution.

[@mojsamsunggs2]

I wish all conflicts were of this pizza vs. salad kind. Sadly, won't happen :/ I appreciate the message but honesty is not always equally easy.

[@siddharthiyer7244]

Very true. Not only that, but even if the conflict is as simple as pizza vs salad, the honesty could lead to anger and a destructive conversation that doesn't ever resolve. Granted, maybe it's better to end such a relationship where conflict frequently spirals into anger. But is there no hope for people who are prone to such anger? Otherwise, how is one partner supposed to help the other partner manage their anger? Collaboration in the context of anger doesn't seem possible.

[@emiliadavis8247]

Very good!!

[@edgedevstudio1826]

There was this poem about fear of conflict on TEDx Talks, why was it deleted??

[@nhaezer5121]

Great and brief. Impressive that someone said so much in so little time. (The applause at the end wasn't honest though 😂 😂 😂* jokes)

[@chendw2401]

but you avoid conflict because you know the other person do not compromise, then what

[@nailakamana763]

Is what you're going to ask them to compromise on something that directly involves you and your help, whatever type of help that might be - or is it something that doesn't involve you or bother any of your other activities in day to day life? If it's the first then confront, if it's the second it's best to leave it. Otherwise it become nitpicking.

[@mandolaa]

I'm Shawn all my life. Now I'm trying to unShawn myself, it's really unsettling

[@sdaiwepm]

Not much offered in the way of a solution. I'm sure many straight men wish we could be more honest and open - but justifiably fear the consequences.

[@guatafuck8870]

Wow 😯

[@Srim3359]

Kind of ironic, that I've saved this to "watch later" haha

[@nammyohorengekyoooooo]

Problem with this is too many people get angry and don't want to compromise, they are selfish and controlling, a good example is D. Trump..everyone around him keeps their real feelings internalized, and go along with whatever he says. What he says here only works with reasonable normal people.

[@JaysonT1]

ak p Thank you Dr Peabody.

[@steff780]

Well not sure about the Donald Trump example. But I see it at as the opposite of "conflict avoidance" when people approach a conflict aggressive and angry again and again.

[@karmaakabane2165]

I let my girl down. It can’t happen again

[@DamanCaldwell777]

Are shawn and terry two guys?🤨 Figures...

[@Alphacentauri819]

Nice narrative... and that assumption may block you from really hearing. Btw, I’ve known girls named terry and Sean... so, your biases are so powerful they grab you and distract you from hearing the message. Be mindful of your thoughts, assumptions, conditioning and cognitive distortions. If not, your thoughts (some of which were handed to you, without you actively deciding to think them...like conditioning from childhood or religion) will control you, cause you to be hyper focused and distort your view. Our external world is but a projection of our internal existence...we create reality through our own lenses. Be aware of the reality you’re creating, suffering too.

[@BabySagan]

What a lame example. His point is fine but pick a realistic point of conflict please. Not pizza for dinner.

[@lingvista1064]

Hello mars in cancer pancakes

[@shygirl1080p]

conflict makes my heart beat fast and i start too shake 🥲