My heart just beats really fast when there is any form of confrontation idk why, I want to overcome this.
@someoneyoudontknow67884 жыл бұрын
I recommend the upper video. I also think that heart starts pumping, because the brain is noticing that a conflict is coming and heart starts pumping blood faster that it can come into brain for quick problem resolving and pumping through out the body so your reflexes are sharper, like a defense mechanism. Also that says you are good hearted person who does not like drama and stupidity in his life.
@tai22644 жыл бұрын
Are you arabic , iam arabic , i don't like conflicts and there are conflicts everywhere
@ishootbishez3 жыл бұрын
It screws up ur partner, too. :-/ I hope you find the help you need.
@DrillEntertainmentNetwork3 жыл бұрын
same
@WhatYourPastorDidntTellYou3 жыл бұрын
Would you say you get anxious as well? It’s most likely due to a previous scenario where you are in confrontation and you don’t have a good memory of it.
@Albo_AK3 жыл бұрын
I was scared of conflict because I’ve never really gotten to a lot of confrontations in my life. But little by little, the more you get into confrontations the less you get scared of getting into one. You get afraid of confrontation because in your life you never really had to confront anyone, so you’re pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. That’s why you get scared to do it. But as you do it more often, you won’t get as scared to and won’t let people step all over you.
@Calel_S3 жыл бұрын
That’s the truth. I was like that too as a young boy because I was quite small, lighter skinned, skinny, lived in a rough neighborhood, and younger then everybody in my grade (graduated at 17, began the year at 16). After i got into my first hard fight at 12 with a kid 3 years older then me, all my fears vanished once I knocked his front tooth out and broke his nose accidentally via ground n pound. Got suspended for 3 good days tho but my pops was hella proud of me. I never forget that my pops went and bought me that super smash bros game I been wantin and bought me some nachos and cheese from taco bell lol. Crazy thing is now almost 20 years later I don’t look like that small, approachable kid anymore, some would say even the opposite, but that same courageous heart still beats hard in my chest!
@maabaltayeb31283 жыл бұрын
That’s completely true I noticed this , today I went through a conflict and I was feeling good I wasn’t scared
@summero-my5in2 жыл бұрын
I’m scared because I had too many confrontations throughout my childhood and now I think any confrontation will end with me being in intense emotional/physical pain :/ dunno how to fix this
@summero-my5in2 жыл бұрын
Since it’s been almost a year now, hope ur more confident now
@Hugo-xj2mj2 жыл бұрын
Facts, as with a lot of things in life that we are afraid of the answer is very simple: just do it. The more you do it the more comfortable you get
@P90XGetRipped2 жыл бұрын
I think my fear of conflict comes from my childhood. My dad is good man but he sure does have a temper, and whenever I’d get in trouble, he’d put the fear of God in me with how angry he’d get. To this day, conflict and seeing/hearing someone being angry makes me incredibly anxious
@georginacollado082 жыл бұрын
I went through the exact same scenario with my dad. In my relationship our biggest struggle is when I avoid conflict and shut down. 😐 I needed to be so perfect for my dad that anything that I do wrong I become defensive because I’m supposed to be “perfect”. I get anxiety as well. I have been doing a lot of self reflection and need to accept I’m not perfect and hold myself accountable and communicate instead of keeping things within.
@ricardocantoral76722 жыл бұрын
Same with my mother.
@otissied6522 жыл бұрын
Same
@SergiosFitness_2 жыл бұрын
I agree Im going the same route as you, now as I realized more of it I kinda do like it that's gets me to work on myself a little harder sometimes we can't control everything and just go with the flow little by little I pray to and that helps ik now in days or ever sum people don't believe but when I pray I feel better to work
@davidharrison8592 Жыл бұрын
I had the same experience. I just realized how much that has affected me. Even worse, I interact with my kids the exact same way.😢
@jakelodwick6 жыл бұрын
Great talk. I guess he’s saying that by avoiding conflict with others, we redirect it into ourselves, compromising our integrity. This implies that personal integrity isn’t some abstract notion but a measurement of your physical identity as you go about your life. My takeaway phrase would be “express your conflicts”, which means making your problem other people’s problem. This sounds bad, but if those people are your friends or family anyway, then they’re already suffering with you. So they might as well get involved in the solution.
@mikeb9323 жыл бұрын
Niiiiice
@nishthagupta13572 жыл бұрын
Exactly ❤
@homeboy Жыл бұрын
excelent
@SaraYW35m Жыл бұрын
Right on
@DIGGERfromAR7 жыл бұрын
Conflict is not negative; how it is addressed does. Conflict does not require compromise; there are five approaches: avoidance, competition, compliance, compromise, and collaboration. Being honest is an important aspect of resolving the conflict.
@lisanimusiima67324 жыл бұрын
"Prioritise honesty in relationship over the perceived reaction of the other to conflict"- well said
@mikelisteral7863 Жыл бұрын
buddhist method: conflict and rejection dont exist in reality, only in the mind, get out of the mind an pay attention to the abundance of the real reality
@Elsindustrialpropertymalaysia4 жыл бұрын
thanks to this I have gained the braveness to talk to my boss about our conflict and it is indeed work easier then I imagined it will be. I have been in this dilemma and internal conflict for 2 years. Thanks again and hopefully some of you who read this and give it a try
@SlobZombie2 жыл бұрын
Nice job
@ImTyMotivation5 жыл бұрын
This advice could legit change the world
@concerned14 жыл бұрын
Sound City some people don’t want it to change. They like it how it is.
@brenaebuckhanon10895 жыл бұрын
I love love looove this explanation! I am a visual thinker and I’m glad he showed me briefly what I am doing to myself
@ADHDMartialArtsFiend-vw3fj Жыл бұрын
I think the underlying fear of confrontation comes from a fear of rejection which is ingrained in us as a survival mechanism. In the old days rejection by the tribe = starvation. These days it can mean a job loss. And it can be hard to know which battles to pick, when to powerfully ignore an insult (aka stoicism), or when to be aggressive. It takes trial and error and for some of us - lots and lots of error.
@tomatom9666 Жыл бұрын
I am a big fan of stoicism, I've read Marcus Aurelius' meditations and Seneca's letters multiple times. I think Stoicism does not apply to interpersonal relationships very well. Plus, being stoic is not the same as having a flat affect like Ryan Gosling in Bladerunner 2049 or something, it's a philosophy, not a physical stance. Being "stoic" in a relationship would probably mean prioritizing honesty and truth and never repressing it, because their is no use in being afraid of the truth.
@trappart9209 Жыл бұрын
There are friendships and close relationships as well. It is necessary to not avoid conflict (not the same as seeking conflict or being aggressive) because if we avoid conflict we self abandon and self neglect
@HonesE57 Жыл бұрын
The real bummer is when one person wants desperately to work through conflict, and the other just refuses to admit the truth that there is conflict. Very frustrating! I keep trying, but honestly I am getting really tired.
@chabamasfidler98952 жыл бұрын
I started avoiding conflict after I had my first ever mental breakdown last year. I used to be so opinionated, often hotheaded, but defiant and straight up with people. Now im trying to build back my grit. I clicked on this video to calm down after telling the airbnb tenants next door to keep it down. Stomach churned, and heart beat outta my chest, mind went empty. But they shut up. Hopefully this reprogramming works if I keep at it.
@gabriella39932 жыл бұрын
Well done 😊
@nishthagupta13572 жыл бұрын
Same here! Exactly! 😭❤🙌🏻
@somemadsci19232 жыл бұрын
So.... How are you doing now? I am struggling with the same issue btw
@tomatom9666 Жыл бұрын
I also had a mental breakdown during covid. I wonder who didn't have a mental breakdown, at this point :D
@wandaad2 жыл бұрын
The YT channel ‘cup of empathy’ has great videos on solving conflict or even ‘de-conflicting’ the situation by focussing on each persons underlying needs.
@willclark12193 жыл бұрын
That was soooooo great! Thank you! I usually avoid conflict and now I feel like my opinion doesn’t matter, therefore I tend to not speak my mind
@Alphacentauri8193 жыл бұрын
The root of why you feel your opinion doesn’t matter...is what can be healed to change. Feeling your opinion doesn’t matter, is a form of self invalidation and dismissal. Taking yourself into consideration, as much as others is so important. Only you can be your own best advocate. Do you know your attachment style? That can be key to healing the subconscious programming and core wounds that form a belief that one’s opinions don’t matter. Hope you can heal, assert yourself and be empowered to design your own life! It’s absolutely possible 💫
@SlobZombie2 жыл бұрын
@@Alphacentauri819 I'm Avoidant attachment
@Alphacentauri8192 жыл бұрын
@@SlobZombie maybe it could be worded as "I have avoidant attachment"😊 Just a gentle suggestion. You are a human. You are so much more...you aren't the attachment style. To see it that way helps to empower a lot more. Anytime we say "I am" ...-fill in the blank-, the way our mind works, is that it entrenches and over identifies with us being that, as if it's inextricable from who we are. Makes it hard to get out of any learned helplessness etc and propel ourselves forward. My heart goes out to you. Avoidant attachment comes from not being seen, heard, known in childhood. You do matter.
@miguelsoria21743 жыл бұрын
Why is there not more views on this video? So short but so straightforward it definitely provides a lot of truth and advice.
@Tinkerginamama4 жыл бұрын
Awww I like him and I like just his demeanor. What a great 5 min speech!
@DoHisProphetsNoHarm2 жыл бұрын
My heart starts beating my mind starts looking for solution but then I start either crying or get defensive and angry instead I’m working on this
@skye1386 Жыл бұрын
Always makes me anxious, makes my heart skips. I want peace and order all the time.
@yuanfeng72663 жыл бұрын
I have a touch of Aspergers and I would say we are not built for handling any conflict situations. It's not advisable for an Aspie to take on too much pressure because we could end up mental breakdown and messing up everything, which is a bigger problem than the conflict itself.
@Alphacentauri8193 жыл бұрын
People with Aspergers can learn self advocacy and assertiveness. The fear of the conflict & avoidance of it, often perpetuate it more...and it becomes a self reinforced cycle. If you are vulnerable and honest about your struggles with conflict, that’s much better than avoiding it. Many people will respect that over avoidance behaviors. Cognitive distortions and self limiting beliefs can be addressed too. Empowerment is possible! Knowing your needs and boundaries & staying those clearly is key. You can also say something like “I’m struggling with this and it’s too much right now, but I’ll get back to you”. That’s respectable. My ex who has Aspergers, would just stonewall or take off, creating more conflict. Avoidance doesn’t make things go away, ever. It just delays (and often amplifies) the inevitable.
@Alphacentauri8193 жыл бұрын
Mark Hutten has some great KZbin videos for those who have Aspergers. He has a great, supportive approach!
@rebekahnadine Жыл бұрын
Thank you!
@GyanAddict7 жыл бұрын
I needed this.. Thanks a lot Mr. Thornsen and TEDx.
@Birdman1172 жыл бұрын
This guy is the one every bish need to hear this literally would change the world
@vafy75273 жыл бұрын
we moved back to our home town in different months. My roommate honestly just left my important stuff that was in her locker without letting me know or the hostel warden know ..even after I had asked her to bring it back with her . She didn't even inform me that she couldn't bring it with her..when asked she told me that she had all the stuff with her. Until now months after that I was about to visit her to get it back...I came to know about how she never had it. I m so angry and I hate confrontation. I could barely tell her how it was important to me..and that too I m feeling really bad because she was kinda feeling guilty.
@artofficialintelligence5 жыл бұрын
Almost avoided watching this video. 😐
@omondi_wa_butere Жыл бұрын
this is exactly what I needed to hear, Thank you David & TED
@Gabbiereal Жыл бұрын
Thanks for sharing!
@Ms_T_Perfectly_Imperfect7 жыл бұрын
Profound. I'm totally using this in my everyday life.
@mercedesochoa1003 жыл бұрын
I hit someone's parked car today. We were parked, i opened my door and didnt realize the person beside me was getting into their car, they had their door open, so my door hit theirs. They started yelling at me and then the person i was in the car with. I started semi crying while they were yelling at my driver. Nobody saw me, thankfully lol, but i cry every. Single. Time. Something bad happens to me. I feel like a coward and wanna stop lol
@acceptancebelieves19083 жыл бұрын
The fear of God, is the beginning of wisdom
@Alphacentauri8193 жыл бұрын
When we take others behavior personally and make it mean something...about us, that’s where things can feel pretty bad. We need to challenge our thinking, heal our core wounds (often develop in childhood) which inform our lenses of ourselves and the world. If we let others validation or judgment define us, we are giving away our power. The person would have yelled at anyone who hit their car...so it wasn’t personal. They likely were scared, worried about the car, maybe don’t have the $$/time to deal with it...it could be hundreds of possibilities. Them not managing their behavior is not your responsibility! No one is perfect, things like this happen. It doesn’t diminish your worth. If you love, accept, yourself...you’ll be confident to face these situations and not be very affected. Anyone who is going to yell at someone like that, lacks acceptance and love themselves. So, they’re acting out. Developing a shield to others negativity is powerful. The Personal Development School, KZbin channel has changed my life. I used to take things a lot more personally, worry about what others thought, be hard on myself, was a people pleaser and so on. It was such a disempowered way to live! I’m still healing, but have come so far! It’s possible. I wish you confidence, self acceptance, self advocacy, and peace 💫
@mercedesochoa1003 жыл бұрын
@@Alphacentauri819 thank you. I honestly really appreciate your reply here, I'm gunna start listening to that KZbin channel for help. You're right, we're not responsible for those reactions, and they would've acted the same w anybody
@Alphacentauri8193 жыл бұрын
@@mercedesochoa100 I hope it helps you as much as it’s helped me! You are worth it, to be empowered and confident! Blessings 💛💫
@sharon-us5zh2 жыл бұрын
@@Alphacentauri819 thank you for this😊
@rogiervantilburg3440 Жыл бұрын
Very helpful, thank you!
@Storifiedyt4 ай бұрын
Very Very important video sir
@neilarcher25513 ай бұрын
Better idea. Avoiding trying to avoid avoiding conflict and just have a nice cup of tea instead. Angry people just end up with high blood pressure anyway.
@simonsmith621311 ай бұрын
Cool. Thank you
@dr.feelgood36702 жыл бұрын
I always try to avoid conflicts with strangers because they’re so unpredictable, I don’t know if this man I’m arguing over music volume with has a gun, I always view conflict with strangers as “someone has to die at the end of this, either me or him” I want to overcome this
@ChuckleHoneybear2 жыл бұрын
move out of america
@Mai.glith69 Жыл бұрын
this is exactly how I feel too, not sure how i will overcome it either way.
@letsgoBrandon2043 жыл бұрын
Terry and Shaun would make a great sitcom
@globington4 жыл бұрын
5:05 This is what a TED talk in North Korea would sound like 😂
@lamisragab6372 жыл бұрын
I cover my ears and close the doors every time I hear yelling at my house, my heart keep beating so fast and I feel so stressed
@millieib57762 жыл бұрын
My lip starts to twitch when I’m confronted i really want to overcome this
@Jdabomb934 жыл бұрын
5:05 Weirdest applause ever. 👏 Must be a cultural custom, to clap off beat. Lol
@jsp1nk34 жыл бұрын
Jdabomb93 clap clap clap...pause...clap clap clap. Haha I think it was just an editing slip up. Not so subtle blending.
@bryanb76324 жыл бұрын
Lmao
@Versace_colon4 жыл бұрын
Jdabomb93 no one clapped and it was edited in.
@Jdabomb934 жыл бұрын
samuel colon I know. I was joking lol
@defunkdafied4 жыл бұрын
LMAO 😭
@srggn66732 жыл бұрын
I have healthy confrontation with my family and my friends But I avoid confrontation When I plan to elliminate people See the different?
@sumeyyepolat77843 жыл бұрын
great talk very inspiring
@ketoiloino16 жыл бұрын
thank you
@BARFHOUSE4 жыл бұрын
Wow. So true!
@zadokprime4831 Жыл бұрын
If people actually learned from conflict.... if there weren't narcissists who don't learn... this would be correct. Nobody in their right mind would engage in constant or intermittent conflict that has the same root cause without resolution.
@mojsamsunggs24 жыл бұрын
I wish all conflicts were of this pizza vs. salad kind. Sadly, won't happen :/ I appreciate the message but honesty is not always equally easy.
@siddharthiyer72443 жыл бұрын
Very true. Not only that, but even if the conflict is as simple as pizza vs salad, the honesty could lead to anger and a destructive conversation that doesn't ever resolve. Granted, maybe it's better to end such a relationship where conflict frequently spirals into anger. But is there no hope for people who are prone to such anger? Otherwise, how is one partner supposed to help the other partner manage their anger? Collaboration in the context of anger doesn't seem possible.
@emiliadavis82475 жыл бұрын
Very good!!
@edgedevstudio18266 жыл бұрын
There was this poem about fear of conflict on TEDx Talks, why was it deleted??
@nhaezer51217 жыл бұрын
Great and brief. Impressive that someone said so much in so little time. (The applause at the end wasn't honest though 😂 😂 😂* jokes)
@chendw24013 жыл бұрын
but you avoid conflict because you know the other person do not compromise, then what
@nailakamana7633 жыл бұрын
Is what you're going to ask them to compromise on something that directly involves you and your help, whatever type of help that might be - or is it something that doesn't involve you or bother any of your other activities in day to day life? If it's the first then confront, if it's the second it's best to leave it. Otherwise it become nitpicking.
@mandolaa3 жыл бұрын
I'm Shawn all my life. Now I'm trying to unShawn myself, it's really unsettling
@sdaiwepm10 ай бұрын
Not much offered in the way of a solution. I'm sure many straight men wish we could be more honest and open - but justifiably fear the consequences.
@guatafuck88704 жыл бұрын
Wow 😯
@Srim33593 жыл бұрын
Kind of ironic, that I've saved this to "watch later" haha
@nammyohorengekyoooooo6 жыл бұрын
Problem with this is too many people get angry and don't want to compromise, they are selfish and controlling, a good example is D. Trump..everyone around him keeps their real feelings internalized, and go along with whatever he says. What he says here only works with reasonable normal people.
@JaysonT16 жыл бұрын
ak p Thank you Dr Peabody.
@steff7805 жыл бұрын
Well not sure about the Donald Trump example. But I see it at as the opposite of "conflict avoidance" when people approach a conflict aggressive and angry again and again.
@karmaakabane21653 жыл бұрын
I let my girl down. It can’t happen again
@DamanCaldwell7773 жыл бұрын
Are shawn and terry two guys?🤨 Figures...
@Alphacentauri8193 жыл бұрын
Nice narrative... and that assumption may block you from really hearing. Btw, I’ve known girls named terry and Sean... so, your biases are so powerful they grab you and distract you from hearing the message. Be mindful of your thoughts, assumptions, conditioning and cognitive distortions. If not, your thoughts (some of which were handed to you, without you actively deciding to think them...like conditioning from childhood or religion) will control you, cause you to be hyper focused and distort your view. Our external world is but a projection of our internal existence...we create reality through our own lenses. Be aware of the reality you’re creating, suffering too.
@BabySagan Жыл бұрын
What a lame example. His point is fine but pick a realistic point of conflict please. Not pizza for dinner.
@lingvista1064 Жыл бұрын
Hello mars in cancer pancakes
@shygirl1080p Жыл бұрын
conflict makes my heart beat fast and i start too shake 🥲