Avoidant Attachment & Their Unique Relationship to Sex & Intimacy!

[@MonicaKM111]

I've tried check-ins and talking with my avoidant ex and it only made things worse because it seemed that the more we talked the more realizations he had about himself and his dysfunctional coping mechanisms and made him feel worse and worse about himself and just made him pull away even more instead of getting closer through vulnerability. He said he did not like talking about the relationship, he said it felt weird. It was heartbreaking and soul crushing. The loneliest relationship ever. 😢

[@vodacoma1747]

... he will never change, he maybe had everything from parents but the main thing LOVE was missing. He is afraid of love, he is absolutely scared when you get closer...he is in panic... suddanly he dissapeare... big shock for you... you can just feel sorry for him... you can't change him.. love yourself... time will heal... good luck🦋

[@Tony2dH]

I'm sorry this happened! It sounds like your ex showed some ability to self-reflect to some degree which is a great start already. We shouldn't underestimate how difficult it can be to have realizations about yourself and feel bad and in a way it can be understandable that they come to the conclusion that relationships aren't for them. From the way you used the term dysfunctional coping mechanisms I wonder. During those vulnerable talks, how was the atmosphere - was there a neutral or even positive atmosphere? Did you frame the talks as a way for you to understand their thoughts rather than blame them? Did you make them feel like they are loved and accepted as a person regardless of the conflict? Did you show efforts to understand where they are coming from and validate their feelings? Did you show willingness to question your own thought patterns? In my experience, when you can get to the point where both partners can trust the talks to not feel like a tough time where you're trying to find out who's right and wrong, but as a moment to truly get to know each other, gently, the more everyone will open up to closeness. The atmosphere during those talks doesn't have to be heavy, you can joke about your issues a little (not sarcastically) if they/you respond well to humor. During and after the talk you can stress how thankful you are to get to know their perspective better, that you can have these talks and that you appreciate how much you both reflect on the relationship. If they feel bad about themselves, keep reminding them (and yourself) about all the great qualities they have that made you fall in love with them, and one of those is the ability to self-reflect. This is hard to do and it also took me a long time to get there. Sometimes we do all that and it still doesn't work out. But I've found it rewarding to practice this mindset for any future relations, treat other people how we'd like to be treated, and it'll be way more likely that conflict leads to closeness rather than distance ❤

[@patrix1987]

I had a similar experience with my partner.

[@alexisb.8965]

Same for me -checking in was the kiss of death with my ex.

[@wellesley1833]

I thought I was all alone experiencing this. Asking "what's wrong" is recieved as an attack. Checking in only makes him angry instead of interpreting that I care. Then the fault finding kicks in followed by doom and gloom. Fascinating to watch how irrational and childlike the behavior is.

[@JediNiyte]

RUN. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like you're dying of thirst, get the avoidant OUT of your system. It's not worth it.

[@sheliasmith2884]

Amen

[@sethtenrec]

Double “amen”

[@ShadrockMarciano]

Triple that amen lol

[@EternalLove.1111]

yes true

[@georgeelder8415]

I'm confused... If the other person isn't meeting at least your minimum consistently, why commit to monogamy???

[@BDSandM]

AKA you have to coddle your avoidant and filter their honest behavior with careful articulation to alleviate their fears while they give you scraps and put in far less effort. Even when they feel safe, there's no way to know what they're still withholding unless you find it yourself. It's so much work to be in a relationship with an avoidant because you have to work twice as hard as them. It's like taking care of a child. You have to cater to them by regulating yourself and your identity for them in a way it won't trigger them, despite them triggering YOU, because they can't do the work to regulate themselves to be honest and communicative. AND you have to simultaneously work on your own issues while expecting very little of them because they can't endure the task without reverting to ghosting or closing off. Do they ever really take responsibility for their actions and change if they need other people to do the hard work for them? My guess is they only improve if they've found a partner willing enough to be their emotional slave, and probably revert without them.

[@PiscesHaze]

This drained my energy just reading this. Hope you’re well 💛.

[@robertbenedek4463]

...and additionally, if you would need them to confort you or just to be there for you, they are nowhere. Emotionally totally exhauisting, draining experience. Not only live you on breadcrums, you actually find yourself alone, too.

[@factanonverba18]

As a recovering Anxious attacher, learning that a DA takes criticism the most personally just really hit me hard. 😢 Wow. That fact really provides more perspective for me!

[@usersss100]

yes they do even if its just something thats not a criticism about her but myself. post breakup, i being an anxious was trying to explain how i felt eg feeling insecure, low self esteem etc. her reply was she feel she aint worthy to be with me. but after learning DAs do have their insecurities too, im trying to reframe how i get the message across. it aint easy if the DA has already shut down or close to full shut down.

[@melkerner]

8 years without even a kiss - almost no sex in the last 15 years. Being married to an avoidant is painful, confusing and demoralizing.

[@martiboxwell9680]

I feel ya. I did 25 years and had no idea about attachment theories. I learned more about my ex and myself in the last year than I did in 25 years together. I’m definitely FA and she is definitely a DA.

[@dennisassini-pw2ic]

Stop torturing yourself! Nobody is better than you! Gently move forward ! That’s all you need to do. The right one will come!

[@sethtenrec]

@@dennisassini-pw2ic I’m AP, so is my GF. Not always smooth, but lots of closeness, sex, and communication . Why stick with avoidants?

[@kinsale186]

Babe idk if that’s avoidant attachment lol…

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

😢

[@flippinmentalproductions9990]

I've been dating an DA for 5 years, it's been a bumpy road wirh loads of external stuff thrown at us but we survived. It's been really hard work but I've been super patient, I've never placed expectations or demanded from him. I've sat alongside him.and had to put my own needs to one side loads but it's paid off. We are super secure now, it's taken a really long time but those foundations are truly there now. So glad I did stick in even when he didn't stick in when he got wobbly. Thanks for explaining this to people. It came instinctively with me but it wasn't always. It took three years to really get a good understanding of what the blummin eck was happening to us xx

[@robertbenedek4463]

Thas is an impressive story of you two! The details of that transition would be very interesting...

[@TheNordicHunter]

I am at year 2 with what I’m guessing is a DA. It’s not easy, but my gut says it will be worth it in the end. I’m glad I came across your story. I really need other people to come forward with the same positive message so that my faith in this person and this relationship can stay strong. I’m not at a breaking point, but I do get weak at times and need a boost to keep my head out of water. Hope you continue to have a wonderful relationship!

[@foreveryoungpisces7426]

When we met online 6 yrs ago and became friends, after months it became sexual which I never imagined i would indulge. I've been celibate for years and thought it was harmless. I fell hard for him. In person we were awkward and slept together but not had sex. I think he wanted me to initiate but i was afraid. I've since broke off contact but miss him so much. I'm 75 and can't imagine wanting anyone else.

[@ElmoBiotech]

❤

[@patrix1987]

My heart goes to you ..

[@HS-bu6wo]

I've dated several narcissistic, but one ex was definitely not, and I always wondered why he ended up checking out and being mean toward the end of our relationship. I see now that I was too negative/shaming in communicating some fears and concerns with him and he must have dismissive avoidant tendencies and so iced me out. Damn.

[@kimberlydianne1981]

God bless you. You’ve helped me to understand the man I love.! ❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for your kind comment :) We're happy to hear that !

[@KatM272]

What about when we’re reactive BECAUSE we do speak our needs…but nothing happens from the DA part. Now they’re just shamed. Even when we try.

[@Deletinginprocess]

I encouraged, and gave positive reinforcement, with my DA just for him to ghost me a week after we had sex twice. He accused me of cyber stalking him. After his 3rd party lied to him about me and the situation. He took her side over mine. I was ghosted and blocked immediately. He later blocked her, now he has unblocked her. I gave him positive encouragement all the time, I gave him space, I spoke to him gently. So it’s been nine months of no contact, he is still blaming me for his actions, for his behaviors.

[@luketimewalker]

Mine ghosted me a week after my birthday... failing to tell me happy BD in person while she showers her cats with birthday presents. My god you're so gorgeous. All the best from France! 🌹

[@Deletinginprocess]

@@luketimewalker thank you first of all! Second of all I am so sorry, you went through that. I pray you find someone kind, and treats you well. I know it hurts. He hasn’t stopped. This has been 8 years of off and on. We talked about meeting his mother the week before he ghosted me. This third woman changes her profile like winning6974 their birth years. Or JNTAAO together forever but, blocked me for a lot worse. This woman has lied about me harassed me. And even changed her profile pictures to my face on her body. But, he blocked me. I’ve gone none contact and I’m working on moving on. It’s hard when I keep getting attacked by the women he is cheating on?

[@Chevelle602]

We are the worst. We ghost because we want to avoid feelings and emotions as much as possible. Ghosting is the easy way out for us. Move on and pretend like nothing ever happened.

[@RubyLine]

@@Chevelle602 That's not fair towards the feelings of the other partner or towards their emotional involvement. That's refusing to be held accountable for the harm you caused. Instead of inflicting emotional abuse and neglect, the best option would be to stay away from relationships and work on your insecure attachment style.

[@Chevelle602]

@@RubyLine well obviously

[@alexisb.8965]

I would love to see similar videos on the other attachment styles! Very interesting.

[@purr181]

Thais, I make some slightly aggressive comments sometimes because these topics are painful, but I really appreciate your content. Thank you for sharing your perspective and knowledge with all of us. ❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for your kind comment :) and we're glad to hear that you've found great value out of the content so far!

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

Great episode, Thais. I think for most people, without that sense of acceptance, and of the whole framework in the background being right, physical intimacy is something one would rather recoil from; it would feel empty or even tortuous.

[@TheNordicHunter]

Can those that have put in the time and succeeded, please come forward and write a positive story about how everything eventually worked out, because reading all the horror stories really worries me.

[@sylph99]

Let me share from experience: it worked. Because I did everything to accommodate his DAness, so eventually he felt secure, himself and comfortable, but mind you, never too comfortable 😂 The cost? Me not being my genuine self, willingly giving up my needs for kissing, deeper talk and cuddling. Living without these things he just can’t give.

[@breonnabarker4222]

I know it's pertaining to this same topic, but what about specifically after sex an overwhelming trapped feeling for the DA, that overtime makes sex not as appealing because they know the trapped feeling will hit harder after. (Same parameters of a couple years in, through the power struggle, and starting to become more secure). It's like the DA is becoming more secure in the emotional intimacy, as well as proximity/touching, cuddles etc.... but sex on top of everything else is too much (ergo trapped feeling). In time will it likely settle through time/repetition/rewiring for safety? Or should an area more specifically be addressed? Thanks!

[@kaylakayla7341]

How do you build emotional safety for DA?

[@JediNiyte]

You don't. You can't fix them, any more than you can change the twitchy nature of a squirrel or a deer. You're in for a life of walking on eggshells not trying to spook them, only to be disappointed when they bail out on you anyway.

[@SkyePhoenix]

I'm a FA. My second husband was DA. We went for over a year without even touching eachother. As soon as we decided to get a divorce, we started having sex again. We still got divorced.

[@niemasprawy9792]

Avoidants???? Run !!!!!!!

[@ilah5970]

I love you and your content so don’t take this the wrong way……but look up the term “eyebrow blindness” we’ve all been there before so no shame.

[@sifublack192]

Creating the safe space is SO important. If there's no safe space to express yourself, why bother in the first place? I remember my most recent ex had this problem and she had a problem with me not initiating. She never understood why even though I told her multiple times that her triggers were a concern. She wouldn't listen and toward the end of our relationship I stopped initiating altogether.

[@georgeelder8415]

She never initiated???

[@sifublack192]

@@georgeelder8415 yes she did, but she often complained when I stopped initiating because she was doing 90-100% of the initiating.

[@jordansjul]

@@sifublack192I don’t understand how she was the problem? No woman wants to be the one initiating 90 plus % of the time

[@sifublack192]

@@jordansjul go back and read my original comment. You missed a LOT.

[@jordansjul]

@@sifublack192 I think there are some key words or punctuation or something missing from the original comment because it’s not clear if you stopped initiating bc she kept triggering you or you stopped initiation the 10- 0 % of the time you did bc she complained you didn’t ever initiate? Which be true if you were initiated 10-0% of the time. It should be at least 50/50.

[@asiminakaramixou9191]

I was in relationship with a da for 10 years,i knew nothing about attachment theory. He discarded me and came back after 7 months. Big mistake i accepted him like nothing happened. For almost a year now he communicates only by messages in order to meet usually for sex . I can't understand why i keep wasting my time with him. I am the one to blame for sure.

[@cielolele2293]

Brilliant. Thank you so much

[@AxeRingingThrasher]

Interesting. So I’m FA and my partner is DA but he’s the one who wants to have sex and I never feel in the mood. I can somewhat imagine why I feel that way but am wondering if I’m the reason for this or is it the relationship doing this.

[@catielove5096]

Unhealed DA relationship behaviors can kill their partner’s trust and desire. I’m FA/leaning secure now, and leaning AP with my last “partner” who was DA with a covert and manipulative mean streak. Been afraid to get involved with anyone since.

[@markcafebrown2883]

Amazing job THAIS ❤❤❤❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for your kind comment Mark :)

[@jackjanzen6061]

Your eyebrows look perfect! What’s that lady talking about

[@mikie6633]

As a Gen X, I have no trust and haven't been in a relationship in 24 Years. Here is the kicker, I just don't care, I would sooner be alone then in an uncomfortable life.

[@b.radleypro.369]

Can a Avoidant be cheated on?

[@reneehaynes8289]

Anyone can. Will it bother them? Probably. They still have feelings. They just don't seem to take anyone else's into consideration.

[@leanettebailey6785]

Thank you for your work Thais! I LOVE YOU! Your brows Rock!😍😍😍😍😍

[@ilah5970]

Okay there’s a difference between complimenting someone & telling them a well intentioned lie.

[@EternalLove.1111]

on and off past 2 yrs...had a break for 9 months but casually have seggs since Oct and seggs is intense and magnetic however a few montjs ago he went on vacay lied 2 me abt going w an ex gf and fucking her and him coming back 2 me...he says he doesnt want to commit and wants 2 be free yet casually wnats 2 be intimate...he likes 2 cuddle me and has left me the key to his place yet hes DA...but in the first 4 months of seeing eachother saw so much DA behaviour, taking a break from sex, fault finding, hot cold behaviour....does it mean bc we are casual now he doesnt get deactivated bc we arent cloae emotionally like we used 2 be??? like a on off honeymoon stage???

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

It sounds like exactly what you wrote. He wants sex from you and to sleep with other women. Why are you entertaining this? He's likely not deactivating because his interest level isn't that high. It sounds harsh but you are giving him what he wants and kind of just there. He sees you will stay after lying and sleeping with his ex. I hope you leave this man and find better.

[@reneehaynes8289]

Better question is why in the fu*k are you dealing with that? 😂

[@user-js4mt1nr2y]

Okay.. I hear a lot of how a Fa makes a Da feel safe. But I as an Fa tent to feel very fastly objective and used for my body. Even just when dating there is a kiss.. And there is no communication from the Da what that means to him my core wounds get triggered and this is all about how we avoid core wounds in Da's. How about understanding Fa have some severe trauma aswell? I can even dissociate while having sex and I can feel very easily feel violated as my generation doesn't ask enough concent and I can experience freeze or fawn the moment something happens that is unexpected or painfull or when I feel like just a body and there is no contact with my needs or me as a person. If it is really all about Da's sensitivities and they also lack initiative I would feel like all I do is give and I am invisable. Very triggering especially with sex.

[@Shelly-pl2vn]

What does fa mean?

[@djp3819]

Fearful avoidant. It’s an attachment style that is a mix of anxious preoccupied (AP) and dismissive avoidant (DA).

[@fifteenbyfive]

"This video is a boat..." "We'll talk a boat..." Canadian alert! My honeymoon stages are consistently 12+ months long and within two years the great storm of love-hate begins!

[@woodnymph3063]

I love your content, but please get help with the eyebrows.

[@srxx97]

so mean and not a useful comment in the but unfortunately.. i agree

[@woodnymph3063]

@@srxx97 It's a really useful comment and not mean at all. If I was a content creator I'd want feedback on how I was representing myself. She's beautiful, but her eyebrows are very distracting in some videos and it makes it difficult to focus on her message. I own a business and I take any criticism with thankfulness because it means I have an opportunity to do a better job for those people who like what I'm selling.

[@user-sx6tm6qu1t]

Never be vulnerable in front of a woman. It will only be use against you

[@eleonorepoppy6904]

Off course not...

[@reneehaynes8289]

Not true. Sorry that you've had that experience. May want to get therapy and get to the bottom of why you end up with women who use your emotions and vulnerability against you.