Avoidant People Are Often Drawn to People They Can't Have

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Avoidance is a style of relating to other people, often driven by past trauma, that can make you feel overwhelmed and anxious even thinking about connecting with other people. If you’ve ever dating an avoidant person, you know how painful it can be to feel like you can never pin them down for plans, or get a commitment from them. And just when relationships start to feel like they’re going somewhere, the avoidant person will disappear for days or weeks at a time. Avoidants pull away from closeness, even when they want it. And ironically, what avoidant people are sometimes drawn to, is people they can’t have. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who is drawn to relationships that can't go anywhere.
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[@juliaskagfjord6207]

This one really spoke to me, because it made me realize when you have some avoidant tendencies you actually gaslight yourself both on the level of coming to grips with what you actually want and need in your love life and also that those wants and needs are valid!! Huge eye opener for me here.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing your insight! Nika@TeamFairy

[@buddyneher9359]

"There's a weird kind of safety ... in relationships that can't go anywhere." Too bad we learn this so late.

[@LilMsLorelei]

So true.

[@Ihatecommies42]

@@LilMsLoreleii do not feel like America ever wanted traitors running the government, selling you and your Will and thoughts to the highest bidder. I do not blame the masses for the few wicked ones, because subordinates are a direct representation of their leadership.

[@jolindo6724]

It is the pattern we grew up with... it is what we know regardless of 'safety'. We know no sense of what feeling safe and loved is

[@reginamecco2915]

Casual sex is bull crap. We're DESIGNED for nurturing intimacy. Even if we are not able to do that in a healthy way, we crave it because it is how we were created. Only accept the BEST. You deserve the BEST!

[@Livia-xp8ws]

I agree

[@kiriende3691]

Men are designed for casual sex and intimacy whether you like it or not. Biologically, men are set up to copulate as many times as they can. It's maladaptive in modern society but throughout most of human history, humans had to keep getting pregnant or they would go extinct because of the mortality rates.

[@AlisaMelnick]

It's so crazy too! They've done studies on this. When women have sex, they release oxytocin(bonding hormone). EVERY. SINGLE. TIME they have sex. Regardless whether they're initially attracted to the person or not. Or whether they think they're a good long term mate. You can condition yourself into attaching to someone you KNOW is bad for you. But men only release oxytocin after sex when they're emotionally invested in the person beforehand. Otherwise, they still get all the dopamine, all the benefits, but they don't release the bonding hormone. So when guys don't care about you past your sexual value, they can sleep with you over and over and it won't trigger bonding. But the more men do that? Use people for sex, the more they start to display characteristics of apathy, disinterest and transactional relationships ACROSS the board of relationships in their life. Even their male to male platonic relationships tend to suffer because they find it more difficult to connect. It's hardwired in human beings from the ground up, to function best in long term committed relationships and to reduce the amount of sexual partners you have outside of that. Like the culture doesn't change these functions, but a lot of the dysfunction we see in the world today? Probably stems from people trying to ignore these objective evolutionary truths. Human beings aren't built to thrive in casual sexual relationships. And the whole person, as well as society at large, suffers when we try to go to war with our natural wiring in such cataclysmic ways

[@TopSecretInformations]

@@kiriende3691 I read one of your other comments, and knew what you were right away: boy seeking to be a 'victim', lady-hater. and you wonder why some of them are repulsed by you. 🪞 🪞 🪞 🪞

[@rebecca_stone]

6:00 "I was upfront with him about my anxiety and insecurities, and he was OK with it." That says it all, to me. We are SO preoccupied with how they will feel about our fears and relieved that *they're* OK, instead of asking ourselves whether *we're* OK. They say they're "OK" with our feelings yet don't change their behaviours. That's a big red flag right there.

[@ds37215]

Well, of course he and men like him are ok with women admitting their traumas and issues, because then it is easier to know how to manipulate her to benefit himself. She would be a reliable supply of resources (validation, sex, attention, free therapy for him). A man like this may come off as nice and polite, but is a predator in his own sly, covert way.

[@chadbaileymusic]

😂 omg when you said it reminded you of doordash, I bursted out laughing. I know it wasn’t your intention to be funny or to denigrate the writer. But when you relate it to doordash it opened my eyes because I have been guilty of sleeping with unavailable people and thinking something meaningiful would come out of it and you just made me see how dysfunctional it is and how it can slow down our journey to healing.

[@Exorcist364xs]

I’ve been guilty of sleeping with someone and door dashing the EF out of there. After I was treated poorly by unavailable men. So it was my way to avoid being hurt.

[@HolyGround777]

I don’t understand why we have culture that encourages being intimate first and then hope that it turns out to a relationship, it is just so backwards! The DoorDash analogy was a hilarious way of pointing out when that behavior actually is! Ana is awesome 😄

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

That’s how us disorganized attachers are. The more the person runs from us, the more effort we put in. I’ve always said that after an ending with an unavailable person I was chasing “I’ve never put this much effort into anyone” “I actually tried this time” sad.

[@TheBillaro]

i did the same. walked away 3 weeks ago.

[@EOlaCasas]

I recently realized that I'm someone with a disorganized attachment issue, versus anxious, as I'd previously thought, and OMG, it explains things so much better. Trying SO hard for something that would never work.

[@joyjemmott6278]

Same..

[@DWilton]

Dear Crappy Childhood Fairy: You are living rent free in my head now, and I am so glad. Thanks for the excellent advice! PS: Doordash reference was brilliant. 😘

[@catboxcleaner3532]

17:37 “Together we can figure out a lot. By ourselves, the trauma will kick in and guide our thinking.”

[@jno6255]

Anna, Our "higher power" works in mysterious ways, but never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined my higher power would have worked through a You Tube channel. I don't even remember how I found you, but so glad I did. My gratitude for how much you have taught me and helped me to grow, read and practice. You are doing powerful work here!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for your kind words towards Anna! Much appreciated! Nika@TeamFairy

[@shallnoTfear]

I do feel this woman is a healer...a modern age, digital world healer.

[@kham6166]

I downloaded the pdf you suggested at the end of the video. It’s a great list and something everyone with our issues should read. But as I read it though I realized that at age 48 I’ve never met a guy that was interested in me that was like that at all. It’s sad.

[@TheMidnightModder]

Lying to yourself is speedrunning mental illness. The remedy is to write down how you feel. Every good, bad, mundane thing. All of your loves and hates. Your darkest secrets and deepest desires. Everything. Leave no stone unturned, and don't judge yourself for what you feel. In the end, you can burn that piece of paper so it's left only in your memory. Do that whenever you feel confused. If you do it honestly, as scared as it makes you feel, or as bad as it makes you look, you'll always feel better.

[@no.6377]

I wish I could stop judging myself😂 I've only recently gotten to the point where I can even write down my honest, overly clingy, embarrassing thoughts. I haven't gotten to the point where they don't make me wanna curl up and disappear.😭

[@TheMidnightModder]

@@no.6377 Same 😂

[@Ikaros23]

The truth is the only way out of dysfunction. This fact is the hardest lesson. And the lesson most don’t want to admit. And the reality that the « onesided relationship», is toxic/dysfunctional. That it was dysfunctional from the start. Is dysfunctional in the present. And also will be in the future. The only way to end the dysfunction. Is for the person who realises the truth, to move on. That is to implement no contact with the avoidant. From experience i see that this is the best move.

[@EritreanChic]

You are so right. Writing always quiets the mind, and it only works if you’re honest and write everything down, even the boring things.

[@melinatedvessel6840]

We'd all live in a better world if folks wouldn't get involved with people that they know are attached....

[@CDias-bh3qu]

Could you make a video about attachment to authority figures? I’ve been struggling with this since I was 12 years old, always crushing on teachers, my friend’s dads, sometimes therapists, etc and I don’t know what to do about it Thank you for your good work and putting this valuable information on the internet for free💜

[@carolbond6124]

I’ve struggled with this too. Do the Daily Practice and don’t get into any relationships. Just work on yourself. (Not even fantasizing- which is a form of escape) Eventually you will heal.

[@truffles12506]

This is also me !

[@DroDro3]

yes pls

[@robertapascal6962]

I think you need to write her a letter/email.

[@angieolsson8175]

I have only been in love with married men. It makes you feel very unwanted.

[@kylieking8163]

I find myself Trying to nurture Men in relationships. I kinda feel like I don’t know how to be a in a Normal Relationship

[@melodieryan925]

God bless you, beautiful advice. 🙏 I pray this woman hears this and listens to it every single day until it's her truth, she deserves it and we all deserve the best, claim it

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@jcimsn8464]

I either have strong physical attraction or friend compatability without any sexual chemistry

[@juliaskagfjord6207]

One statistical study said it takes 5 dates on average to develop chemistry. For those people who did online dating, all the one off dates do not allow for any potential building of chemistry. It could be the strong chemistry is a warning sign at the beginning although it seems opinions on this is divided. When you want a partner in life, you want someone who has got your back. It makes me wonder if the partner material out there- there would be less intensity all around?? Because it would feel like safety, comfort, longevity etc

[@flower_7890]

We should be disappointed and offended when someone doesn't want us as a partner, we must never lower our expectations but walk and never look back...it won't work anyway...even if we bend into pretzel, why wasting our precious time then??🤗

[@NyweleZilizopendwa]

Cheers to the pretzel analogy! I made a poster of a pretzel to remind me I'm not bending over backwards for anyone anymore! Cheers! 🥂🍾

[@ignazs.5816]

I think you made a mistake in saying " We should be disappointed." Rather, you meant to say, "We shouldn't be disappointed."

[@flower_7890]

@@ignazs.5816 no, I meant " we should be disappointed ".

[@noreallyihearyou837]

You are one of the best in the business, Crappy Childhood Fairy!!!!

[@hopeandcoffee97]

I struggle with avoidance a lot and its a daily effort in the beginning of anything social, i was intimacy-averse, started disliking the idea of physical stuff, kinda still have the same plan of adopting and being alone because i feel i can't be loved by a man. Other connections are easier now bjt romance and what is okay to 'dream' about is still a tricky area for me. To add to this the polyamory and yolo crowd make me feel contlicted, do i even want love at all.. are people just lame in a relationship, is it even worth this mulling etc. i start imagining all men to be selfish ultimately who will always pish me down if try to succeed at something or have healthy self esteem because thats my experience- i am indian and our culture is almost pathologically, unpleasantly stifling and demeaningly sexist, i never got help when i asked for it and even the women gang up on you out of envy. i have no answers and im afraid time is running out, I'm 29 and scared

[@5gx673]

Your time is not running out. 29 is not too late. There is a lot to learn in life. Keep seeking growth and trust your own pace ❤ best wishes

[@hopeandcoffee97]

@@5gx673 It's very kind of you to say, i know i may have missed a few buses for good but am making peace with it in my culture. Thanks again. 🌸

[@difficulttofindauniqueusername]

In the exact same position as you. Sending virtual hugs.

[@JenZen4life1111]

You’re still young, please don’t worry about it. Focus on yourself and I’m telling you everything will fall into place ❤❤❤ Good luck with everything 👍⭐️⭐️⭐️

[@hopeandcoffee97]

@@JenZen4life1111 Thanks :)

[@hopeandcoffee97]

serious stuff aside, red is so your color❤ you look really elegant always, but especially in red :)

[@hopeandcoffee97]

@@misspeach3755right? 😄 If only our get-your-life-in-line part of the brain was as prompt as the colour theory part lol. "Anna is so obviously an autumn" great can Mr. Brain now also tell me how not to hyperventilate when someone is unproblematic and asks me out 😭

[@hopeandcoffee97]

​@@misspeach3755 while we're on this, I think her kibbe type is classic definitely. thats why just an enhanced lashline(neat eyeliner with no wing, mascara, natural lashes etc) and a classic lip looks so chique on her.

[@thelordcommander5]

Anna, we love you and think you're gorgeous ❤

[@anabellafl9742]

I cant measure how MUCH I love her words. Thanks!!! xoxo from Argentina

[@Shuabvv]

omg fellow argentinian hi!!

[@cristianmolina231]

Hola

[@sugartits5471]

"That's not why...." 😂❤

[@armeegetton]

If they cheated on their gf of 10 years, they'll do it to u too...

[@emmatessier600]

That's such a blanket statement and old narrative, not always the case. I do think it's a risk for this person because she sounds so insecure.

[@armeegetton]

@@emmatessier600 most of the time, yes that is the case...

[@emmatessier600]

@@armeegetton it just gets old reading it all the time when my partner has cheated on his previous wife and comments like this are implying that he WILL cheat on me, like they know this is facts and I'm stupid or delusional

[@armeegetton]

@@emmatessier600 every situation is different. I hope u don't worry about it, I'm not trying to upset anyone, it's just the realization I've come to over the years, and I'm just one person. Maybe some people see the hurt they put people through and decide not to do it again.

[@roslynhawkins1475]

​@@emmatessier600Exactly. People need to grow up and realize that reality isn't a blanket statement. People begin relationships in many, many different ways.

[@americasariesson1862]

Avoidants Unite!!…each of us in our separate homes via text lol Yep - confusion/ cognitive dissonance is my Yuge red flag alert. And it’s very true regarding the trauma repetition and trying to bounce back from that - I haven’t dated in years ..about 5-6 actually. I focus more on healing and working out me - it would be irresponsible to date right now but frankly..I’m avoiding it 🤪

[@ebbyc1817]

Avoidants unite. Separately. 😅

[@jayne.s_world]

Your videos are total love ❤

[@dylanisdandy]

another amazing video, thank you so so much for the content you put out into the world. i’ve pushed my own values to the side for a “quick fix” for far too long thinking it’d eventually go somewhere. no more. i’m gonna be selfish with the boundaries i put up in what i want in a relationship because i know what i want AND am deserving of

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You got this! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@patobarajas7207]

Lol ur videos always make me cry, thank you for ur work. Slowly but surely moving through this. Sending you love 💕

[@tomtbi]

You can most definitely find satisfaction in your life without a relationship... And it is a very uncomplicated way to live,and a good way to avoid complex entanglements like this... And I bet this complex entanglement probably only worsens her condition...

[@fedup745]

A puppy!

[@tomtbi]

​@@fedup745 Whatever works!!

[@anthonylfrye7922]

Yes safety in distance, even sexually. But emptiness in life and connecting on a real level. Sex without kissing. There is no emotional impact. Five minutes of intercourse and emptyness. The worst feeling ever. Desire for love but no connection.

[@caiusKeys]

Thanks for keeping it real -- sometimes too real.

[@Pure_99]

I Love you

[@thatstmbekela6045]

Powerful 😢

[@ebbyc1817]

"it's confusing because what we do is we convince ourselves that what other people want, ought to be what we want..." I mean...

[@Its_justlisaa]

These are soooo relatable 😭🤦🏽‍♀️

[@kristycollins6447]

I've been going thru this with a guy getting divorced. My reality got so distorted that i had to step back and recognize i didn't need to stay. I kept fighting it because I'm an avoidant but this situation was definitely worth fleeing.

[@Ihatecommies42]

Thank you for the tools to heal myself. I appreciate it.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad the video was helpful! Nika@TeamFairy

[@JennJennStygar1206]

I value your honesty I'm learning so much. So many things have 🎉 been answering so many things I didn't know the names to.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad the channel has been helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so glad the channel has been helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@AlisaMelnick]

Not going to lie, it was HARD to watch this episode. It kinda helped me that Anna struggled to wait until the end to comment like she normally does 😂 it just hits close to home, to a place of being I choose -NEVER- to go back to. But for all the girls out there relating to the position this woman is in? Let me just say this. Guys saying "I like you A LOT" then sleeping with you repeatedly is NOT... a promise. It doesn't really mean anything. I hear this woman getting caught up over and over "how did I misread this? He said he liked me and then we were sleeping together." Girl. He does like it. He LIKES... having casual sex with you. Maybe he even likes the fact that you're semi enjoyable to talk to afterwards. He likes that you're available. But "I like you" IN NO WAY is equivalent to "I want to commit to you and invest in the future of 'us'". For healthy people, these things are interconnected. But please please ❤️ for the sake of your future, sanity, and beautiful soul.. do NOT make the mistake of assuming someone who "likes you" is INVESTED in your long term well being just because they say the words. Wait for the proof, and that takes time. And also? Build up your own integrity. Do what you say you will, and stop lying to yourself and someone else and pretending you can comfortably settle for something that is crushing your soul. Grow into a good person, then look and PAY ATTENTION to the proof that people you're interested in actually care and act in your collective best interest. Humans are built to be healthiest in connection. Don't sell yourself short of that to appease someone who doesn't care about your long term well being

[@Natalia-ox4zn]

İt's a nightmare. İ was with avoidant type in the relationship, İ classify myself as disorganized one. He broke up with me because I started to be very available and he lost his feelings, so İ cut contact. Then he started to be more drawn towards me and talking about feelings again, so I gave in, there was a bad situation between us, so İ got distant again, and now he's more into me again. İ was not able to explain it properly to him that most likely he will similar problems in future, and i know my task here is to give up on inconsistent love, but it's what I know and what I'm really into. A lot of work.

[@ImUsingtheLitterbox]

I met someone like this before too and it was soul crushing. I refuse to go into great detail about what a fool I was for such a rude, mean spirited, person... I will never forget how much this seemingly amazing person was able to use their kindness to finesse me out of my own self-control. I became attached too easily, felt safe, and was really hoping to embark on something special. Instead like what you said the feelings and attachment from me had made them disinterested. I used to overthink it trying to find a precise source for why they suddenly broke up and ghosted me like I was nothing but trash to be kicked to the curb. Anyway, it was a terrible but productive experience. I made use of everything I learned and I did manage to finally accept that I simply made a mistake in skipping the vital steps needed to ensure someone has my best interest at heart. I'm not an expert by any means, but... I'm sharpening my skills as I go along. I wish you the best of luck with your mental health and relationship related issues.

[@ds37215]

I was also a Fearful Avoidant (disorganized attachment style) and was engaged to a guy with Dismissive Avoidant (avoidant attachment style). He was the first person I dated. That's how it goes: unless you walk away and shut the door permanently by healing your children traumas and developing a secure attachment style, you are doomed to stay trapped in that dynamic for the rest of your life, with him pulling away and running every time things are close and feel happy and then coming back just when you give up and pull away also. I broke up with my ex years ago and he is texting me, trying to get back into my life. I have healed and become securely attached. I stopped loving him even before I healed and became securely attached, but healing allowed me to fall out of love with the guy I got into a 2-year situationship with after and to lose all attraction to people with avoidant tendencies. Now I only allow in my life people whose behavior consistently shows they are happy to be in it.

[@gobears6487]

Phew. Cried all the way through.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I'm so sorry to hear that, we're all sending you support :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@user-he6rs8xi7u]

Ah, Avoidant Personality Disorder. That's me(self diagnosed for now). I feel for her.

[@amandaforrester7636]

Healthy selfishness is dropping his ass. Lol

[@carolannogle8785]

What about ❤ ? Don't you want someone to care about you,

[@amandaforrester7636]

@@carolannogle8785 he doesn't love her! Love is action. Love is a choice. It's not hard. Of course I want someone to care. I would rather be alone than have these half-notlove relationships drain all the joy out of my life, ever again.

[@braskevful5760]

Fairy Tam could you tell me what camera and microphone Anna uses? It looks very professional, I would very appreciate the answer ❤

[@richardfrank4647]

Just found your KZbin channel today, I just finished 12 steps in Portland Oregon but I’m like onion every time I peal a layer off there seems to be another layer of healing needed but want thank you for your chanel

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That's what the healing looks like. Uncovering layer by layer to understand the problem and be able to heal consciously. Good luck on your healing journey! Nika@TeamFairy

[@richardfrank4647]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you

[@robertsnorrason2494]

I have AvPD (and ADHD and CPTSD) and I'm 53. I've only recently begun therapy and it was then that I realized that I have always fallen in love with- and desired unobtainable or at least not easily obtainable things. That includes women. When I was a kid, I constantly fell in love with girls that were 3-4-5 years older than me, or even adult women, which I think was due to my mother being a total narcissist, so I was probably trying to find comfort and love from, what I perceived to be a "mother figure". The extreme frustration from those obviously unattainable relationships led to me losing all confidence, so when I was a teenager, I had become so shy, awkward and "weird", that I could not bring myself to flirt the girls in my school-class or later, just any women at all. I craved love and sex, but NOT the commitment to a long term relationship, which I do believe is one of those core problems with having AvPD. It wasn't until I was 39 that I, completely out of the blue, started a relationship with the woman I have now been married to for 14 years. And guess what, she's 3 years older than me... I'm sure Freud would have had a thing or two to say about that, LOL. Btw, my love for unattainable things is still pretty strong, as I had been living in that mindset for 39 years until my wife came along, and as I said, I've only recently gotten all those diagnosis and am in therapy now. I think I'll struggle with this for the rest of my life, but hopefully the AvPD Schema therapy will help alleviate the symptoms somewhat, since always wanting something that is difficult or impossible to get, is extremely stressful!

[@donovanwallace1449]

The perplexed reactions when she reads is all I need to hear to know how broken these people are.

[@josefinemilo]

Thank you ❤🙏

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@Yriel129]

The dismissive-avoidant attachment style is fascinating if also disheartening. I personally believe that there is both some unwarranted stigma about it, and quite a bit of misunderstanding. I think it's the distrust of intimacy and co-regulation that drives their need for self-reliance and not the other way around as is the case in many articles about the subject. They have a vulnerable core in a similar manner to fearful-avoidants and anxious attachment peeps. And it won't get better until one confronts the true fear at the core of the particular dysfunctional attachment style.

[@lindaandrews2351]

I'm now 59 . Cptsd , from trauma I wish not speak of on public platform . I'm now resigned to fact I will remain alone . Thanks childhood abusers - NOT .

[@MarJo333]

Yup. Its the worst. !!!

[@moniak88]

I just wanted to say that no one, really no one helped me more than you. Finally I see the patterns, and I understand them. Unfortunately I fit them perfectly. I once was a doordash free sex worker and I know pain that goes with this type of "relationship". Now I know the embarassment and pain that goes with the fact that I let anyone treat me like that. Anyway, your videos are like epiphany for me. You really get it, it really shows, that you have deep understanding of issues of cptsd women that only woman that have it too can have.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Hugs to you.

[@alfreire72]

What if I don't find the one? Should I wait?

[@tabithaflanagan8556]

So if you get trapped in something like that how do you move on if you're living with an ex?

[@sandraannlongfield6046]

Yep thats me...😢

[@debbiev.1311]

This guy was/is clearly using her & playing on her vulnerabilities...she deserves/is worthy of better, but doesn't yet believe it herself!!

[@roslynhawkins1475]

I love Crappy Childhood Fairy and listen to every single one of her videos. She's brilliant, perceptive and she possesses a unique gift of going deep inside of what's said and unsaid. With that being said, this woman decided to chase and make up an entire relationship in her head even though it was obvious, even to the writer, that this was a terrible idea. He didn't make her think their "relationship" was anything more than casual. She thought that. How that's his fault? I don't see it at all. This should serve as a learning experience or the writer that she has deep issues that she needs to work on before she pursues anyone else. People only attract others who are on the same emotional level as they are.

[@qtandem]

​@@roslynhawkins1475 I don't see anybody blaming him for anything, only saying he's clearly not available. And she probably didn't realize about it at the time, and but she's got some perspective now. CCF always tries to make people who write accountable and aware about their mistakes and disfunctional patterns of relating, which include getting in relationships that can turn out to be frustrating, damaging or even dangerous to one self. This is not different. Also, "People only attract others who are on the same emotional level as they are." is one of the worst things you can tell anybody who's experienced trauma in their childhood and think of themselves as unlovable; so please stop it.

[@roslynhawkins1475]

@qtandem ​@qtandem One thing I've learned throughout life is being a victim is a label some people wear like a badge of honor to be used everytime something happens to them. The only time people make big changes on their lives is when they become very uncomfortable. Unfortunately, many people try to do whatever it takes to avoid feeling uncomfortable and that leads to further "victimization." Most people have been in a bad relationship or two. Those who recover take responsibility for any part they played, take the time to better themselves and make better decisions and they don't blame others for their choices. Blaming others for one's choices only serves staying in victim mode.

[@tinac6114]

The avoidant man I love & have tried so desperately to be in a relationship with for the last 2 yrs but recently again he has pulled away & he's turned me a secure person into an anxious just can't do it anymore but he tends to go for married women. I guess so he doesn't have to commit. Hes been seeing another woman but she's only available every other weekend so again he doesn't have to deal with her much.

[@susannefitzpatrick9955]

So true. Having dated a very charming and loving Narcissist who abandoned me after 5 years to go back to his e(strange)d wife, I’m now at a stage in life where I’d love to be in a relationship again BUT at the same time can recognise all the pitfalls (ie what I’d risk losing if a divorce happened) too which is putting me off even trying…… Oh, how our parents screw us up!!!

[@tomtbi]

Maybe a warriors group like I go to with people with chronic conditions may be helpful??

[@theconsciousearthangel]

Hi. Thank you for another amazing video. I have a question for you - why do I feel really sexually attracted to jerks but nothing towards guys that seem decent. How do I change that and is that even possible? I mean I know a lot of reasons like trying to get the love you never got from your parents, him being a challenge and real, and there is definitely a physical and pheromone compatability it seems as he mentioned my smell and I love his.

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

I always wonder if women like 'bad boys' as some evolutionary thing. We get the genes of those guys and the partnership of the "nice guy" to help raise offspring. The bad boy's purpose is to spread his genes further than the committed nice guys do.

[@Bboyredmoon]

34 , never had a girlfriend and 10 year dry spell. Cptds and abandonment trauma from my parents dropping me off at a martial arts school to live with the teacher for years . I always felt like I’m not enough . Even now I fall for woman who are taken and everything is just so painful lol Used weed and alcohol to cope with it almost every day but since started to stop a few years ago and it’s been going well. Wild how someone can long for love for so long yet fear it at the same time. Self sabotage. I’m venting lmao 😂 ma bad y’all

[@zandozman]

What is “trying to construct how you act” ?

[@tomtbi]

Also since I either cling or stay away... I am avoiding relationships for the time being and concentrating on my part time job driving for a car dealership and my Model Car Building -(Both give me a lot of satisfaction as well.)....

[@juliaskagfjord6207]

me too!!! Ive had to quit bothering to date because of this. Not been on a date for 2 years, and before that only 1 date in the prior year! I took a suggestion of another coach to make your pet, your primary attachment in life, your rock, your solid ground. I certainly love my dog enough, so she fills the placeholder in my life for human attachments!

[@locoemutwo4872]

This feels like a tennis match. yuck

[@fgbowen]

10:50 - which is a recipe for disaster.

[@siennaprice1351]

I know this will be off topic, so I apologize. But I have a tendency to mask my CPTSD. Am I the only one who does this? Or is this a common thing? In my life, I’ve been pressured to mask certain traits of my blindness and autism. Which, I’m trying to not do this. But I now mask my CPTSD. For example, if I’m having flashbacks, I try to mask it or I try to healthy coping skills to reject or numb the flashback. I’ve healed so much, and I don’t have constant flashbacks anymore, but I want to never have flashbacks again. Or I mask my emotions as a way of fitting in with society’s norms.

[@thelordcommander5]

The short answer: you are not alone. I recognize this in myself too (and sometimes in other people as well).

[@siennaprice1351]

@@thelordcommander5 thanks.

[@a-k6575]

Why on earth would you want to fit into societies norms? You are unique, deserve supportive, non-judgmental people around you.

[@siennaprice1351]

@@a-k6575 my stepmom would stop me from doing things that benefited my blindness and autism just because nobody else does them. Like touching and exploring everything, shaking my head, running into things, showing emotions, rocking, playing with sensory items, having meltdowns. But overall, I like using sensory items, I like doing all of the things I mentioned, except crying and stuff. I love myself even though I’m totally blind and on the autism spectrum. I love being unique. I think because of the CPTSD and being limited and restricted, I’m aware of how the world looks at me. But I love my uniqueness. I know it might sound like I’m contradicting myself, but I can assure you I’m not. I’ve stopped doubting myself, but now I just need to work on not limiting myself.

[@christinelamb1167]

As a fellow autistic and also C-PTSD person, I can relate! I have masked what I felt were my "deficiencies" all my life, even before I had name for them. I always knew I was very different from the majority of people, and I have never fit into any group (whether school, work, hobby group, etc). My mind/nervous system just works differently than the "norm". And the truth is, when you're different, people can sense it even on a subconscioius level, and even if they don't mean to be unkind, they will excluding you from "the group" (this has been my experience throughout my life.

[@user-py2hq3ud2h]

Why do I attract older guys I’m not interested in? Is that issue connected to an inner child wound I have? I’ve even had two stalkers in the past.

[@ds37215]

No, they're just attracted to every younger woman. It's some kind of ego thing to feel virile, young and validated if she reciprocates and a power trip if they can manipulate and mold someone into what they want. Many men will try with anyone, and the most desperate ones are the most blatant. It doesn't say anything bad about you. Just ignore who you don't want (except for stalking, which should always be taken seriously; I was also stalked by an older guy from June 2021 to last year). Focus on who you do want. Healing your childhood trauma will allow you to attract and be attracted to compatible people and build healthy connections.

[@elipru9632]

Avoidants can join the Empower Love coaching program (check-out the podcast: Rewire Your Attachment Style by Maya Diamond) What a great intervention here Ms Anna! I had to shed my exes this week, it's hard work respecting my wants and needs! Lots of love from Tio'tia:ke-Montréal

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

Me dating a guy who’s only in town for work & leaving in 2 months 🥲 My friends keep asking me if I should see him under the circumstances. what if I like him? He’s leaving. I keep saying, “I’ll be fine. It’s better that way.” I’m used to pining for people who are unavailable, so it’s not as painful for me as others. It’s also unfortunately why I don’t waste time cutting people out of my life, because it doesn’t hurt me like it does others. Or I just handle the pain better. It’s a lonesome life.

[@annebos4634]

Just a side note, I would not be into polyamory myself, but if people choose that way of having relationships: honesty and transparancy should be conditions, as well as clear agreements about dating other people.

[@Lucy-iw1xf]

I agree with you but some people eroticise deciet, they like it with the dishonesty even if it hurts the other person

[@annebos4634]

@@Lucy-iw1xf I know, 😒it gives them a thrill and it may also be revenge i.e. when they project the opposite sx parent who was dominairing and judgemental, onto their partner.

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

Yes which is the entire idea being polyamory. It's not "friends with benefits" and avoidance.

[@JennJennStygar1206]

How do i send in a letter? Is there guidlines as to what is said? How much background do you need...yikes where do i start🙏🤕👷🏽‍♀️

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You can learn about how to send in a letter here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters -Calista@TeamFairy

[@waggawaggaful]

I don’t like this idea of a man being unattainable. That’s not really a thing unless he’s a famous athlete, pop star, movie star, model, or super wealthy. Just because they think they’re somebody important doesn’t mean that they actually are. The vast majority are delusional, not successful and unattainable.

[@call_in_sick]

There are all sorts of reasons someone may be emotionally unavailable. Usually to do with their own unresolved psychological/emotional issues. Also it’s not just men. Anyone can be emotionally unavailable for any number of reasons.

[@amandaforrester7636]

Unavailable means Unavailable. Meaning because they are in a relationship or they are emotionally avoidant. Facts don't care if you like them or not.

[@waggawaggaful]

@@amandaforrester7636 I get what you mean. I dated a guy who had been raped by his uncle. Talk about emotionally unavailable!

[@waggawaggaful]

it's amazing how even the married ones somehow magically become available if you're a famous actress or model or just merely have a large social media following with a very visible demographic of male fans simping for you in the open where everyone can see.

[@roslynhawkins1475]

Anyone who acts unattainable wouldn't be successful if they didn't have those people who were desperate enough to chase and denigrate themselves for a crumb of attention. People, all people, have to be held for the choices they make and what they allow into their lives. By putting all of the blame on one person absolves the other person from the tapping into the gift of self-reflection which means they will move on to the next person and complain when they get the same results.

[@Nguoiren]

Dear Anna, in southern europe there are no such groups as alcohol anonymous or 12 steps. there are just no such initiatives here. I also live in South europe and it is a total crap here.

[@richardfrank4647]

In America they have them everywhere but they also have zoom meetings every were , maybe you can start there , I’m in Oregon and I have on my phone an app called meeting guide which tells me all of aa meetings were ever I am and there’s also a lot of zoom meeting

[@qtandem]

there are mutual support groups and other alternatives, though.

[@sleepyjoeatemyiceacream]

Avoidants love the idea of love, but don't want to make the actual effort that is required for real, healthy and sustainable love. I'd rather die the most painful death than be anywhere near an avoidant again. Cold, distant, fearful, mean-spirited when triggered. Truly traumatic and crazy-making, and I'm securely attached and thank God I escaped fast.

[@bexchick]

Oooohh so that’s why he’s ghosting me. I’m available now and he probably freaked. I wasn’t available and he was all over me and now nothing

[@Daimo83]

People who want a loving relationship should not be having sex whatsoever outside of one. Simple.

[@qtandem]

that's a very XIXth century way of thinking but fine.

[@Daimo83]

@@qtandem ​Human psychology didn't magically change after the industrial revolution, civil rights movement, or the invention of the internet. To have sex you must lower all your defences and boundaries.

[@ThatsNotFunnyThatsSick]

How can a "avoidant" person ever go on a date? Is there a plus and minus scale for just how avoidant you are?

[@qtandem]

respectfully, maybe you don't understand how Avoidant Personality Disorder works, which is not uncommon. Like any disorder or mental illness, things are not linear. There are phases, periods were you feel stronger or more determined to face your fears. She said she also started to work after a long jobless period of time, so maybe she was at a better place during this time and tried to date and pursue a relationship as well.

[@tomtbi]

I either cling or stay away...sometimes I do both...

[@scottmcphee7714]

Any of these mental health related video's weather on this channel or any other channel on KZbin....The comments are the most frequent & often out of any other video subject just like an around the clock conveyor belt 24/7/365

[@tomtbi]

Maybe she could start a support group for prople with avoidant disorder??

[@emilyburton4095]

No-one would show up.

[@qtandem]

@@emilyburton4095 very funny

[@emilyburton4095]

@@qtandem We avoidants have to keep our sense of humour

[@Lorilor343]

Avoidant’s always want all the love and care in the world but want to do nothing in return. Its always a one-sided relationship

[@difficulttofindauniqueusername]

Not true.

[@SillyChickens222]

I’m dealing with a man like this right now ☹️

[@haihai5293]

true

[@Lorilor343]

@@difficulttofindauniqueusername just my opinion. 🤷🏽‍♀️ we gotta have love and compassion for everyone but honesty they are just the worst/most draining to date out of all the attachment styles

[@MsCaterific]

💜

[@angeladeluna]

I really identify with what this person is going through. This is almost exactly what I have been going through but without the sex. Somehow, I think I would have felt better about it if sex were involved... That I could understand.

[@DroDro3]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this is painful cuz im avoidant thats so relatable

[@sugartits5471]

She da 1

[@rainbow9987]

I thought it was anxious attachment people not avoidant.

[@qtandem]

Avoidant Personality Disorder and Avoidant Attachment Style are not the same thing. One is a personality disorder in which anxiety affects your WHOLE life. The other is a form of relating to your partners which involves detachment, but doesn't necessarily have any impact in othe areas of your life.

[@jackhowe6]

When you can't have anybody, then you get blamed for being drawn to someone you can't have. Cute.

[@tomtbi]

I believe she needs this CODA phrase in order to heal;"God,grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.Grant me the courage to change the things that I can,and grant me the wisdom to know the difference..."

[@ribz747]

10:04 Being equal priorities for each other, committed to and loving each other is normal. Polyamory is abnormal and frankly having been with a polyamorous person, it is the most toxic dynamic there is. Sorry (not sorry) if that offends but I find it horrific that it's become a trendy fad. It's just escapism for ppl who are ultimately afraid of committing and being vulnerable. Yes I was burned by it and I think it should be actively discouraged as the toxic, dysfunctional relationship form that it is.

[@stacyjaye6350]

Men couldn't cheat if women didn't allow it. And make no mistake, he's cheating with you. It hurts my heart that some women are naive and fall for all these stories.

[@qtandem]

it should hurt your heart even more that there are men who can't be completely honest.