If Love Is What You Want, Casual Sex Will Keep You From Having It

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If you want a loving, committed relationship, you may be undermining that by having no-love, no-commitment FWB relationships. You may have been conditioned to believe that filling your time with meaningless sex was OK, until magically, the love of your life comes along -- that you could just ditch the empty relationship at that time, and happiness would follow. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who asked for a friends-with-benefits arrangement with a co-worker, and now can't handle the pain, or see the truth of her situation.
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[@Trendspottify]

I listened to this video three times. And I will certainly listen to it another three times. This is completely true. Cannot emphasize it enough: Your work has such a positive impact on my life. Thank you. Love from Hamburg 🇩🇪

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for watching! Glad to hear this video has been helpful for you. Nika@TeamFairy

[@akferren1]

I regret any casual sex or fwb situation I’ve ever had..I’m currently 4.5 years celibate..casual sex feels like a spiritual STD

[@kathyingram3061]

~Same here!~Well, i dont regret all of it, but most of it~It makes my skin crawl to even think about it now!~

[@emmalee-rv3lm]

Spiritual STD 👏🏾 yes!! I went on my spiritual journey and all of a sudden those rose colored glasses came off! Ewwwww

[@user-yk9sk7pg6v]

agree

[@smoothtruth]

​@@emmalee-rv3lm❤

[@elvan5922]

Yes,I agree.I dont understand how girls out there could even promote themselves as open relationship so on.

[@BlairyBlair222]

I hate casual sex. It's soul crushing. 😢 I did it as a trauma response. Never again.

[@bebopbonsai]

♋️ ♓️ ♌️

[@buddyneher9359]

"There are tons of good guys.... but your vibe is not drawing them to you." -~ some of us really need this on a wall plaque!

[@smoothtruth]

❤

[@cathy_clarinet]

😂 Me. My vibe draws Narcs. At least that drew me here

[@tdesq.2463]

@@cathy_clarinet Interesting that You should mention that particular Vibe-related phenomenon ... given that Your call name here is a Reed Instrument. Ever try charming a Cobra?

[@GlossyHop]

@@cathy_clarinetgod, me too!!!

[@tdesq.2463]

@@GlossyHop Is this a test? If so ... did I fail?

[@biondna7984]

You're SO-0-0 right. Casual sex drains one's spirit. "Friends with Benefits" is really just "Benefits." Friends do other things together. I had to learn this for good two years ago. It was 18 years after quitting drinking, two years after my beloved mate's death. I was so lonely, I thought I'd "put up" with this guy's only-sex regime until I met someone three-dimensional. Duhhh. I forgot I'm off the anesthetics of booze and weed. I feel everything now; the empty sex amplified my loneliness. It occurred to me that he was essentially telling me that other than empty sex, there was exactly NOTHING about me he found interesting. I needed to feel that insult to my core. It "only" took three months for me to tell him thanks I'm done. Since then I do Dutch coffee dates with men, and have met some good guys, even if I haven't yet felt anything special. I'm being treated better, too, as I've earned.

[@prettypuff1]

When I ask guys about the friends part or call them out about these facts, they are notoriously quiet.

[@biondna7984]

Exactly.@@prettypuff1

[@amberinthemist7912]

FWb only benefit men. The sex is usually crappy for the woman too.

[@GlossyHop]

I felt all of this to my core. Thank you for sharing this because I needed to read it. “Empty sex only amplified my loneliness”…this is spot on and a great reminder to not allow myself to get into a relationship like this again! Hope you’re doing well.

[@biondna7984]

@@GlossyHop Thank you.

[@mysticizzm]

Sometimes we use casual sex as a distraction, but also as a means to an end.

[@prettypuff1]

Cuz there are a lot of us (me) out here without a lot of confidence in dating

[@valerieconnell2962]

Here’s how we mess ourselves up with casual sex: Him: I don’t want a relationship. Me: Challenge accepted Him: I would be fine with having sex Me: That’s how I’ll turn him around. And it’s just mutual using. Eventually he feels obligated to spend time until it gets uncomfortable and then he withdraws until he gets lonely/horny again. And I keep manipulating, pushing, trying to spin sex into something meaningful so I won’t feel stupid/slutty. Anyway, that’s what I used to do and now I don’t. I’m holding out for something real and find that the type of man I’m attracted to has changed. Most of the time he’s married, but that doesn’t get me down. I feel encouraged because I see it as a sign that my picker is getting better. One day I’ll meet a great guy and he won’t be married.

[@letsthinkbriefly3761]

Continue stay the course and have self control. It isn't fair to give your body freely to people that doesn't respect you yet when you meet the right person who is kind, you will nake it harder for him.

[@FriendMariaAdrianna]

Casual sex destroyed a friendship for me. It was a reverse situation where we had sex one time and he got limerent on ME. As Anna said, I tried to give him the polite rejection by telling him "I wasn't ready for a relationship and working on myself", but he did not have a lot of experience in dating and completely dismissed my words. He insisted we were boyfriend and girlfriend - no matter how many times I rejected him. For one year he continued to text me and asked me out on dates, and when I declined, he would lecture me about how I needed to show up in our relationship. He kept telling me I was just scared of my feelings to be with him. Awful. Awkward. That was my last experience with casual sex and I've sworn it off forever. It's never been healthy for me and apparently you can accidentally really hurt others too.

[@ellebee9864]

This is interesting.

[@FriendMariaAdrianna]

​@@ellebee9864yeah, it was definitely interesting for me since I'm the one who's usually limerent on everyone else 🤦 I finally got to see it through the other person's point of view.

[@tdesq.2463]

​@@ellebee9864Yes it is.

[@stefpix]

It was not the sex that destroyed the friendship, but the attraction he had for you. The friendship probably was based on the hope that you could be lovers/partners. If he had more casual sex he might have been less limerent with you. WHat if you had really liked the sex with him? Would you have wanted to pursue a romantic relationship? It is often better to try and fail, than not to try and never know. It seems likely he had a romantic interest in you from the start. The friendship would have gone south anyway, had you fallen in love with someone else and your "friend" would have felt jealousy or sadness because of it.

[@tdesq.2463]

@@stefpix Interesting story. Very interesting! I could relay to You a twisted tale of my own. But, I'd need to figure it out first. I mean, I could recite the sequence of salient facts, a d see if You could figure it out. But that would take me several days ... and if anyone could come with a single coherent solution that's different from the possible scenarios that I can see ... I'd love to hear it. I really would, because this situation ... as I see it, per any plausible scenario ... is UGLY. ~TD, Boston

[@Analysis_Paralysis]

Dear Anna, thank you so much that you begin your videos right away and without a long intro about unrelated stuff (or loud music)! It feels so respectful to the audience... 🥺💕 Most KZbinrs and content creators waste the time of their viewers by talking endlessly about unrelated and meaningless stuff in the beginning before jumping to the topic, or they advertise themselves before sharing their knowledge! Thank you for respecting the energy of your (traumatized) viewers and for not draining their attention... It's so soothing to listen to you! :)

[@violetvixxxprovixen6682]

I agree so much! Her voice is so soothing to me and I can put on her videos and just relax. Her tone is so consistent and her style of delivering difficult advice is so gentle without compromising any honesty of the message. One of the best life-advice/psychology creators I've ever found.

[@savioartwork]

@@violetvixxxprovixen6682 i feel exactly the same

[@savioartwork]

Agreed so much, Elizabeth April has few nice things sometimes, but every first 10 min is advertisement and telling is she is tired.

[@savioartwork]

Many videos bu Tina Louise Spalding have a similar delivery style, u might wish to check her out

[@GivinLetEmVibes]

I feel it's selfish people just wanting someone to stand by and support them with no strings too. It goes both ways. Best solution (for me) is to keep people in this state at arm's length. Many of us have independently found healthy supports and invested our time and energy into growth and healing, let them do whatever it is they need to do, without you!

[@SweetUniverse]

I wonder why I could never stand one- nighters or casual stuff. I've struggled with notoriously low self-esteem for almost my whole life. You'd think being used for s*x would be right up my alley, but I could never stand it. I wonder if it's due to the way my grandmother treated me. She thought I hung the moon & stars & loved me so much. I wonder if the value she gave me has given me a basis for some self-worth. Something in me thinks I deserve better.

[@tdesq.2463]

Kudos to Grandma!!!

[@nikiyoussef55]

me too i am grandmas girl

[@azra6706]

I needed to hear this. My ex abruptly broke up with me last month and as a trauma response, I’ve slept with two different guys these last two weekends. One was with an old friend from years ago who always wanted to sleep with me. After sleeping with them, they ghosted me which made me feel even more abandoned. That pattern ends today. Thank you for this video, for the reminder. It’s time to heal, reflect and date for fun- not to give myself away.

[@OpenlyBritish]

Women are often just "notch count" to men. They have nothing to lose by "nutting", no emotions attached.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad to hear this video brings reflection and motivates to healing. Thank you for your comment! Nika@TeamFairy

[@anarchsnark]

"He's a broken child" I think empathy is good but I keep seeing a lot of LWs who take what they learned through self-help and therapy and try to project that onto the other person. I have a male friend who is the object of someone's limerance. The limerant person, she's studied attachment styles and is projecting onto him, saying he's avoidant and afraid of being with her, but when he talks to me about it, he plainly says he's just not that into her. And I know it's true because I know my friend and I've seen how he is for someone he IS into. When he is into someone, he asks them out on dates, he goes the extra mile for them, he tells them he is into them, he never says as he has said to her that he "just wants to be friends." Her idea that he is just being avoidant and he needs to 'do the work' has made it so he is the one who now has to enforce a break between them.

[@officialmegastar244]

Well said, too many women use that excuse instead of seeing the writing on the wall. Learned this the hard way and I’m still recovering from it.

[@pinkdollangel]

Why are you releasing this video at the very moment I need it 😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️🥺🥺🥺

[@Viyan48]

Me too... I needed this now... 🥺

[@CupcakeMami]

Yes me too❤

[@tracya.5908]

Same

[@ChickFenwick]

Because she tortures us. lol

[@chocobere]

There's nothing casual about sex 🤔 it's a powerful thing to get intimate with someone. I have had my fair share of hookups, and i agree with Anna, not the best for us cptsd survivors. There's just too much involved, uncertainty, feelings, emotions, brain chemicals.... I think when ppl say they want casual sex, it means they want permission to use your body without considering your mind/soul/spirit/heart. The sex in itself isn't casual. But by calling it that, they get to casually dismiss you as a whole person. (Or you get to dismiss them. I've been on both ends.) I don't regret doing it, but i also don't want it anymore. I'm all about taking my time with the right kind of person :) take care everyone

[@tdesq.2463]

That's the reality of it. You get it. Good.

[@theconsciousearthangel]

You've said it so well.

[@tdesq.2463]

@@theconsciousearthangel Yes. I 2nd that.

[@stefpix]

So true. Casual sex is superseded when you meet someone you really like. You have sex with that person and all the friends with benefits or romantic partial interests disappear. If you are too sex starved, you will mess up when someone you really like comes along. You can have limerence with someone you never had sex.

[@theconsciousearthangel]

You are absolutely right about going slowly. Usually and when you do that you will realize that you don't even like them anymore. The hormonal cocktail clouds judgment if you have sex too soon.

[@user-ku9or4ox8v]

Yes, we attach way too soon! But also we (the limerant) believe that furtive glances and awkward energy and physical chemistry are "signs" that love is happening. People can be sexually attracted to us but we aren't required to respond, and having chemistry doesn't mean it's a potential relationship. We vulnerables need to recognize that the rest of the (not neglected) world takes simple, fleeting attraction less seriously than we do, and then circumspectly watch for a bunch of other, more significant, time-taking signs that love is possible.

[@angelbeauty8]

To me there is no such thing as friends with benefits. Casual sx you can have if you do it safe and with a good conscience. But the best is to just wait and be celibate for some time. You don't exchange intimate energy with anyone. No attachment just you getting to know yourself. You will know your weaknesses and strengths. Nurturing the relationship you have with yourself is the most important .

[@deborauzumaki1010]

We've all been there. Unrequited love teaches us how we deserve to be treated. It's painful, we might feel embarrassed, but once it's over something wonderful happens. We realize that person was just a person. Not that big a deal. He was just a lesson learned. We move on loving ourselves more, knowing our boundaries and getting even more attractive to the right one. 🥰

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

What a wonderful encouragement to share with the letter-writter. I hope more people will read your comment. Thank you for being a part of our community here! Nika@TeamFairy

[@JourneyAlee]

Another absolutely on-the-nose lesson. Many of us were conditioned to believe that giving ourselves is how to make the people we believe we need happy, when in reality, we've just told them how much we respect ourselves and how much we expect to be respected. Learning that I wasn't a steaming pile of invisible worthlessness was the hardest, most painful lesson, but I own that now, so nobody can take it from me if I don't give it away. Love on ya for being THE place to be online for ACCURATE childhood trauma learning and support. Thank you.

[@tdesq.2463]

👍

[@stefpix]

I have on both sides of this issue. Casual sex is not ideal. "Friends with benefits" is likely not conductive towards a committed fulfilled relationship. But when I had strong limerence for someone, there was no sexual contact. Maybe a kiss, or some sort of platonic intimacy. Celibacy and abstinence have their own downsides. The desire for physical contact and sex may make us feel attracted to someone who may not be a good match. Sex, no string attached, helps the ability to discern who we really want to be with as a partner. It gives some clarity. If you go to a fancy dinner feeling starved, you will not be able to enjoy the food. Lack of sex clouds judgement, it pushes people to overpromise and underdeliver. When I met women who I really felt I could fall in love, with whom I felt there was potential, I lost sexual interest in other people. The problem is the attraction is often mismatched. Who is more attracted to the other has less power and control. Everything is better with moderation. A glass of wine or 2, a couple of beers, half of a THC gummy can help break the ice and feel more open. But needing that, craving that backfires. We only live once. How many times in our lives can we find someone we can really fall in love unconditionally? A very few times. But having sexual contact once in a while is an useful, purposeful exchange with someone. I had sex with a woman who was in a bad relationship years ago. I saw her more as a firend. It was fun. She did not expect much from me, but she enjoyed my company. Once she told me she was gratedul of the experience as it helped detach her from her ex. Things are not so black and white. There is a spectrum, a bell curve of possibilities. If casual sex prevents meaningful relationships, it is a negative aspect. But celibacy often makes us feel too tense and too clingy. A balanced diet, moderation, being open to experiences is what help people live fully without sticking to rigid dogmas. This is my experience. Sometimes I had sex with people who disappeared. Sometimes I had sex with people who I did not want to pursue. Sometimes there was no expectations. Sometimes we fell in love. We have to try to find out. If we do not have sex we just have projections of the other person, at least regarding physical intimacy. Sexual compatibility can not be assessed over dinner or a hike.

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

I relate to this. I am spending more and more years with little sexual contact and it's not helping me get more clear about what I want or need.

[@stefpix]

​@@Captain_MonsterFart Yeah once I spent a year without sex. It makes you fantasize, project. I fell in love with a woman while I had friends with benefits and interest in some other women. We knew each other, but not seen one another for years. We had sex the second time we hung out again. The interest for all the other women and potential partners disappeared. Also long term celibacy may make you too vulnerable and you may get too attached to someone you meet too quickly, and that may scare them off. Or what if you are celibate a long time, because you want to really be sure before you have sex with someone? What if they are great people, but the sexual chemistry is not there? Sometimes just someone's natural smell can be an aphrodisiac or a turn off. If personality was all that matter, we would marry our best friend. But there is something more than that. I think this channel is helpful, but it has some 12 steps or religious overtones. I find those a bit too polarizing and extreme. I think it is good to try whatever you are willing to try with moderation, and without hurting others as possible.

[@anish7183]

But even still you've been having sex with people u have bonded, not complete strangers, isn't that right?

[@stefpix]

@@anish7183 not complete strangers. Of course there Is some bonding on some level. But after all, when do you really know someone? The sexual interest must be hard wired in us FF or the survival of the species.

[@flyleelee5351]

Yup, I learned that the hard way. Never again!

[@Gnomesmusher]

I've dated women who have been on the casual sex train and it never turned out well. And there was one time where I bore the brunt of their trauma. I dated this woman who had just been dumped by her FWB and she got attached to him emotionally and was devasted and felt like she was used and discarded. I felt sympathy yet at the same time, she knew what she was getting into because they had both agreed that it was just going to be casual sex. So while she was dating me, she felt like she'd go the on the opposite extreme end and decided to not have sex with me and make me wait. Which to a degree I can understand. But as the months went by, I got more and more hurt. Not just because of the lack of sex, but the lack of any intimacy. 11 months. Barely even touched. I got hurt feelings. I kept thinking why did she sleep with that other guy so quickly but make me wait and still waiting. Why did I stay so long? Because I'm also messed up. Why else would I watch channels like this? Anyway, people need to stop thinking casual sex is so casual. For a lot of people it's too intimate and emotional to be "nothing".

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing your experience. If you're interested in asking Anna question, you can send her a letter (Ask The Fairy letter): bit.ly/CCF_Letters Nika@TeamFairy

[@smoothtruth]

❤

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

Sounds like she liked your company but wasn't physically attracted.

[@Gnomesmusher]

@@Captain_MonsterFart This might sound like I'm coping but she was attracted to me. I won't go into details but she was. At least at first. Then something triggered her about that previous relationship and she didn't want that happening again and put the brakes on everything.

[@angelajennings1633]

​@@Gnomesmusher she probably was attracted to you. She was just too emotionally damaged.

[@Juniperus_Godegara]

I've never noticed until now, but there is an actual Fairy Pencil, Ana seems to use the very same pencil 🙂😄

[@CaraHTheRealCie]

In 1998, I did the same thing as this woman did. I got into a "friends with benefits" relationship with a co-worker. This guy knew I was a hot mess. I had been sexually assaulted by my ex-boyfriend less than a year before. He also knew I was screwed up from my childhood. I still have scars on my left arm from self-injury during that time.

[@kat_roses]

I’m going to have my daughters watch this (and a lot of your other videos) when they get to dating age

[@GivinLetEmVibes]

Also, people who have a 'don't have any expectations' attitude are kinda foolish to expect that everyone is capable of emotional unavailability 😂 I can't imagine the mental gymnastics my ex is going through now that he's moved in with the woman who approached him for a 'casual' connection 🙄 oh well, whatever works for them. I have a life and slowly healing from this experience. I'll know I'm healed fully when I am not bringing this up in comments anymore 😢

[@mamz4834]

What happened to him? Like he fell for her and now they’re in a relationship ?

[@holmavik6756]

Casual sex is almost surely a bad idea

[@kjbkjhkjhjk7775]

You see those who have had a lot of it have an almost soulless look in their eyes, they are in pain

[@cha8791]

Dear Anna, I have cptsd also. And I managed to discover your page a few weeks before I met someone while on overseas trip. I am very happy that I binged watch your advices because if not, I would probably become reckless and agree on a casual sex with a man I just met!! Thank goodness I remember your advice that this isn't going to do good for people like us. Right now, I'm still in a bit of dysregulation because I must admit, that man triggered a lot of things and wounds inside me, but at least it didn't became a disaster had we had sex. Thank you so much 🙏u

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad to hear you enjoy watching Anna's videos and that they are helpful for you. Good job on the no-casual-sex decision, and thank you for your comment! Also, one good tool to help with getting regulated is the Daily Practice. You can try it in the free course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy

[@prettypuff1]

I’m so torn on the topic of dating. I’m autistic which is another kink in the chain. Frequently, casual sex is the way most people meet their needs when touch starved. Hookup culture has changed the landscape of dating such that the mention of wanting to date sends potential partners scurrying in the other direction. The thought of trusting most people is horrifying given my experience. Since autism makes it difficult to understand social cues, I dont have a lot of hope that meeting someone who understands and is patient with my needs.

[@biondna7984]

I was touch-starved for seven years, caring for my dying husband. I had to realize a guy felt nothing for me and never would, he only wanted sex. Happily it "only" took three months to drop him.

[@GrayMattr]

🙏🏼🙏🏼

[@OpenlyBritish]

"The mention of wanting to date sends potential partners scurrying in the other direction" - that's only WRONG/incompatible partners, not potential. It's good riddance of toxic people.

[@ShipFantastic]

I am autistic and struggle with this as well. I wish I had answers but I don't.

[@marisa5359]

I am autistic and married to an autistic. Being that a spectrum is a spectrum, we do have our differences, but we also are committed to understanding each other. Not saying you have to find someone else ASD, but it has helped me. I know well it is not easy, but don't give up.

[@kursengamer4699]

This is such crucial advice- to learn and know what you really want in a lifelong partner and go get that- rather than keep messing around and getting crumbs or compromising your value and boundaries. Best of luck to you all. ❤

[@LJInnes]

With all the comments I see, this fabulous woman should have way more likes than 3 likes - don’t forget to hit that 👍👍👍👍👍👍 another great podcast 💕 thanks

[@michellegirau8136]

The CPTSD and the attachments we have for people.

[@stacyjaye6350]

Yay the first to comment on a much-needed message 😍 Finding you really saved me, Anna. Many thanks from Tulsa.☮️💖😘

[@prettypuff1]

Oo I lived in OKC 2018-21 and whew…. My experience there is why I’m here now

[@mysocalledmidlifecrisisvlo7521]

Tulsa!!!!❤❤❤❤

[@Boyhowdy875]

I am completely uninterested in cheap meaningless sex. I seem to be alone in this, as many men that I speak to would gladly cheat on their spouse if they were assured that the spouse would never know. I have no respect for them and they are mere acquaintances but not my friends.

[@JOCECIL]

You are the second man that I find have this exact ethical mindset, the first one is my father. I hope you find the right one, much respect ❤ This dating culture is quite challenging for people like us that pursue a meaningful, healthy and prosperous relationship. Even with friends, I want to make friends that has a life purpose and a healthy lifestyle, and a ethical behavior

[@smoothtruth]

❤

[@tdesq.2463]

You ARE right ... except that You're NOT alone. Far from it.

[@Boyhowdy875]

@@tdesq.2463 Good to know! Thanks!

[@A.l.a.c.]

I don't believe there are any kind of woman who really enjoys casual sex. I think some ppl accept it better, but it isn't fulfilling. And promiscuity has a high cost for our mental health.

[@Rollacoastertycoon]

That’s not true feminist women do

[@whatdidujustsay2094]

People use substances such as alcohol and other drugs to mask/hide their true feelings and pretend it doesn't bother them.

[@theconsciousearthangel]

I have to be completely honest. I am a female and I adore sex so I did enjoy casual sex in most cases as I went for guys that I had an energetic connection with. With that said, I want more and at the time it might have been good, but still, something was missing.

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

I've had some really good one night stands and some that left me feeling bad. The good ones were fabulous though.

[@A.l.a.c.]

@@Captain_MonsterFart are you woman?

[@rollacameron9866]

Anna you are not one hundred percent right. You are one thousand percent right. Thank you so much.

[@333angeleyes]

For the past 3 weeks, I've binged Anna's videos. When you watch almost a hundred videos, back-to-back notice certain patterns. When women are not attracted to us, we men try to generate love and attraction within them for us with money: gifts, trips, and doing little things for her without her asking. When men are not attracted to women-women try to generate love and attraction within us for themselves with the same tactics. However, when she is highly attracted to a man and he's not into her; women use sex. The sad difference is that most women will NOT accept gifts, trips, or un-requested favors from men they are not attracted to. But many men, unfortunately, WILL accept sex from women they are not attracted to. As a man with childhood trauma, I HATE women forcing men to wait months before having sex-NOT because of the sex. But because it feels like begging to be rewarded, accepted, and liked. It feels like the woman has all the power, and I have to put her wants and desires ahead of mine in exchange for her to like me; it generates an extreme feeling of weakness. However, I would be lying if I said I didn't see the logic in it. Most men who are not really interested in a woman will not invest continuous time and effort for months (courtship) into her with nothing in return except a hug and the occasional make-out session. So yeah, waiting weeds out a lot of "He's just not that into you, but he's horny" men.

[@ohyoucanread]

Anna somehow your videos are always so spot on. I really needed to hear this right now. Thank you so much, you're really making a difference!

[@missie8848]

It’s been over 4 months no contact for me. I’d love to say I felt that relief but I’m still so sad and lonely every single day. My thoughts are plagued by my ex. I just can’t stop thinking about him. I hope it dies down soon 😢 xxx

[@anonymouse6703]

Stay strong! The best way to get your mind off of it is to immerse yourself in something you love. Get obsessed with art, or music, or whatever grabs your interest (in a healthy, productive way). You'll get there. Best of luck to you ♥

[@JourneyAlee]

If it helps, I've found that the best way to break intrusive thoughts is to try something I've always wanted to do but haven't that forces me to focus my attention outside of myself. Volunteer. Help a friend. Help a stranger. Try a new interest or hobby. You've got this, my sister. People who hurt us aren't people we need back.

[@missie8848]

@@anonymouse6703thank you so much for your kind words 😘

[@missie8848]

@@JourneyAleethank you for your reply it is much appreciated. I’m definitely trying to focus on the good I have in my life. You’re right! I definitely don’t need any of that hurt or pain in my life anymore. Take care 😘

[@flower_7890]

​@@JourneyAleesame here, I've started to play the piano after nearly 2 decades 😅 I refocused my thoughts and it worked for me. But also I've learnt that we need time to get over a breakup, we can't skip this part of mourning unfortunately. Be gentle with yourself but try not to think to much, go back and romanticise about ex, you need to learn to stop yourself every time you have those thoughts. Accept it ended 😊

[@rebeccadubarry8523]

Anna❤ there's NO clowns here🎉 good love for feeling folks. We are always growing and learning. So nice not to put a cap on it.

[@cathy_clarinet]

This was fantastic. I need to listen 10 more times.

[@sarahgwenable]

Very supportive, reasuring content, as always. Thank you very much dear Anna. Greetings from the danish boarder. 🙏💚😊

[@amberinthemist7912]

When you keep toxic people in your life they literally take up the space you would otherwise have for healthy/healing people to enter your life. It's better to be alone.

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

What was 'toxic" about the guy in this letter? That word is used too casually. Unless you mean the letter writer, but that also is too strong a descriptor for her behavior. Way too strong.

[@amberinthemist7912]

​@Captain_MonsterFart Using a woman for sex while stringing her along is toxic. If you don't think so maybe try therapy. FwB is supposed to be friends. Not treating women like crap for sex.

[@tdesq.2463]

​@@amberinthemist7912You're Right. I respect and admire you for asserting yourself as you did here. Good for You! And You're doing Good for others, as well. 🎼TD, Boston (xy)

[@theconsciousearthangel]

Similar experience in San Francisco. Fell for a guy that I started seeing casually. If there is even such a term. Great sex, he introduced me to sister, bought me gifts and jewelry ( he was young) my age, etc. But to him it was casual at the end. Pretty sad. Learn to love you so you don't need to have these types of relationships. He was a child too. And it was my fault too. But he did hurt me which I allowed to happen by getting into that situationship.

[@beccaa2919]

This was extremely helpful, I've had similar situations if not exact and having external commentary about this changes a lot.

[@mtfine]

Brilliant. From a man’s perspective.

[@issy_b_onair]

""Maggie,"" gurl ... we feel you. ❤❤

[@amaliaesposito3942]

Not done with the video, but I love the girl's story. How she is being so open and honest and articulates it all well. And i've related to it too. This video by the end will probably help me so much right now in my perception on casual sex. I wanted to explore it, but decided to do some research.

[@amaliaesposito3942]

Yeah I'm loving the vid =)

[@eddyviolet9422]

I was friends with benefits with my best friend of several years for a year. "Caught feelings" and we've been dating for a year and it's the best relationship I've ever had. We both were not getting laid and even though there's a stereotype about females not needing sex, I really did. But maybe this depends on whether they are a safe person, whether you're into monogamy, how you view sex. I don't sleep with random people anymore but I've had a fair amount of sex with friends and it usually turned out pretty well. This is not really a black and white topic.

[@BlairyBlair222]

Of course it's not black and white. Nothing is. However, most people who have casual sex are doing it because their emotional needs weren't met in childhood. The term is called erotic affection. There is a biological hunger for touch and attention when deprived in childhood. Attachnent injuries are pervasive and create trauma bonds and unstable relationships. Having sex to bandaid all of these psychological injuries is only going to exasperate the issue. This is what she is referring to in her video. She isn't addressing people like you who are unaffected by casual sex. She is addressing the broken women who do it out of survival to get their unmet needs met.

[@florencebawden5079]

Do you have any videos planned soon on future faking? I have real issues holding people accountable for words not matching actions

[@shirbear9367]

I most definitely needed this.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@marialoring7623]

I appreciate all you say, you’re straight forward. And I really needed to hear this too, I didn’t have sex , and I’m glad but I’m still crushed, I can only imagine how much more pain I would be experiencing if I had sex….

[@khemaloving4031]

Ultimately, we are the makers of our own mess and magic…

[@shahidnawab5102]

I recently came across your content and I don't know every word sounds very healthy and different. I literally have put some of your points about trauma healing and emotional regulation from another video on my screen lock just to see them every time so I don't repeat those patterns. ♥️

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

What a great idea! Welcome to the channel :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@catboxcleaner3532]

Thank You, Friend Anna

[@knowone1723]

if youre acting out of trauma, yes, its bad. but for people like me, its not that deep. i keep up my boundaries and know what im getting myself into. there is no "falling in love" with someone. im pretty sure people know what limerence is. Basically, its when you are emotionally invested in someone without you acknowledging that you probably need to address those subconscious patterns that result in you prioritizing your partner over your mental health, leading to depression, etc.

[@slantedglasses7242]

I found myself nodding along

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

Anna, I just wanted to tell you I finally left my toxic relationship of 1 year!!! He keeps texting me and guilt tripping me about it but I’m staying strong!! It’s time to focus on me! I feel so relieved and so strong.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You got this! We're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@Foxie635]

I was supposed to have our fifth casual date tonight but I got scared that after the amazing sex, he would again walk me to my car and pat me on the head to send me my way. He also texted me once he would call me with a date to see him and didn’t. When he did text me again, he never apologized. He’s an asshole but the sex was so amazing. 😢

[@KatWoodland]

Great channel. Thank you. Had to cease listening since I started experiencing trauma. There is no such thing as casual sex and the guy is clearly manipulative while the gal is clearly a little desperate.

[@KatWoodland]

I have experienced being used and almost got all used up.

[@user-yk9sk7pg6v]

Thank you anna

[@jonb8633]

Nothing wrong to have casual relationship if both parties agreed and have good communication

[@katemae5265]

Thank you!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@tulip5210]

Yaaas *mic drop*

[@Uberqueenbee]

Not a good idea

[@katarzynadrozd6783]

I think it's fair to make your dose of experiences and mistakes. I think if I didn't make my own, I wouldn't just believe if someone told me casual relationships aren't good for me.

[@davonnahemingway9398]

I identify with a lot of this letter & situation…

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@saszablaze1]

There was benefits. Not always, not even mostly. But yeah, i agree: We choose to have casual sex ( which is never casual, the power dynamic is almost always dishonest) Then we don't choose the universe where we have healthy relationships. End of.

[@clarkluse2918]

Just so you know I’m extremely immature.

[@Eltipoquevisteayer]

Why would a Man in a friends with benefits would be emotionally avoidant?

[@cxa24]

No thanks.

[@clarkluse2918]

Hi

[@PistolPete1984]

“Never get your meat at the same place you get your bread”

[@joanellebracht5311]

Yeah ...tired of this. No more.

[@jdprettynails]

I'm curious as to what your opinion is on polyamory?

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

She's not okay with it. No one is okay with it, except those who are into it.

[@nikkivieler3761]

Great video, but strict monogamous relationships can also repress deeper and more complex feelings of love...

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Good one.

[@jo-annahicks3324]

Deeper and more complex feelings of LOVE? Or deeper and more complex feelings of DESIRE? I think it may be the latter, rather than the former.

[@BasutuEquestrian]

👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 💗👌

[@michaellacasse7050]

I love her seriously, but she has to read sexual healing journey by Wendy Maltz and I can give her what she want. It's about automatic reactions from emotional flashbacks before sex. I got to go slowly because my body is reacting before the clothes fall. I need to acclimate myself to female presence first. One thing at a time. But I guarantee my healing will go way faster if she helps me regulate and get to know each other. I'm attracted to the self-caring maude. We are the same and we both crave the good side of each other but we self sabotage and go into self harm. She's reflecting my sadness and hopeleness and because she love me too, i sense it. I owe her, I know. If she gets what is stopping me and she have discussion with me, it will all make the Impossible possible. I'll submit a commitment to her because I want kids with her and I'm worried about her fertility window. My father side cares so much for her and i dont want her to be hurt again, it blinds me like no words can describe.

[@Fae313]

....?

[@amandaathanas4027]

Also, God will not bring you The One WHILE you are CHEATING ON THE ONE with other people before even meeting him/her. IOW, fornication prevents God from acting on your behalf to bring you the mate HE has for you. Fooling around while “waiting on God” is self deception. God will never honor or reward that behavior. God is also protecting the interests of your intended God-Match mate. Having God as your Matchmaker means you cannot be your OWN sinful matchmaker simultaneously. Only one Cook in the kitchen at a time. As long as you are doing things your way, God considers Himself FURLOUGHED as your Divine Matchmaker. How has that been working out for you SO FAR? We must REPENT of fornication and pray for God to bring us the mate HE has for us, AND remain free of sexual sin until we are married to the mate God will bring us. Once we do this, our Divine Matchmaker is back on the case. Remain abstinent from fornication for however long that takes. It is your SMALL cross to bear and demonstrates that you are exercising faith in God’s plan via your obedience to His Word. It also demonstrates that God is still Acting Matchmaker and that you are still “fired as your own matchmaker.”

[@tdesq.2463]

I'm a pretty staunch Atheist (with a staunch moral compass)... But, that Comment was some mighty powerful stuff. Whatever helps You to envision Life principles concretely ... Go with it. 👍 ~TD, Boston

[@amandaathanas4027]

@@tdesq.2463 : There is power in the Word of God. Wherever it is taught, and people with ears to hear actually listen, that Living Word goes into their mind and their spirit and starts producing results in their life. God said, “My Word will not return to me void.”

[@Captain_MonsterFart]

You would not be fun to have a beer with. You cannot cheat on someone you have not met. Take a chill pill!

[@tdesq.2463]

​@@amandaathanas4027Grazi.

[@LunazulBaraka]

Right off the bat it would seem he lured her by making her believe she was the one who initiated but I haven't finished it yet, I'm in the first seconds

[@saraht170]

Sex should be for marriage. As woman we are pair bonding with our sexual partners and when they leave it greatly effects our self esteem and ability to really connect and bond in the future.

[@FromInfinityTV]

I've got to chime in here... 🚩so this women, is she neurodivergent? I'm going to say yes, mildly so, undiagnosed (I am, and I can spot my kin, so I do suspect this is the case). Dating advice for NDs is NOT the same as neurotypicals!! 🚩Also her perception of her father/mother dynamic is probably twisted from being around woke feminists university mindsets. They teach traditional gender roles, masculine leader father, and feminine submissive mother is bad and wrong. I think she's got a skewed perspective from the brainwashing. She under no circumstances should be seeking dating and relationship advice from her female friends, who are telling her like she needs "to have fun" (ie sleep around), this is a crabs in a bucket situation, AVOID. As a man I don't understand how women intentionally make bad choices and encourage other women to do the same, I guess you're wired to be more socially similar. At any rate, this is a very toxic influence on young women, and fathers need to be vigilant on raising their daughters to not be sucked in to this rampant promiscuity. Only take advice from men close to her (who do not want to sleep with her), to help vet good men. Men have been doing this vetting process for daughters and nieces for millennia , and ONLY in the the West in the last 60 years has this not been the case (and look at what's happening to young women as a result... the dating situation is the worst its ever been, Tik Tok is overflowing with heartbreak from all the Ls). I'm protecting my daughter from this and this is exactly how I will do it when she comes of age. If you are ND, you need to connect with others who can help you.

[@tdesq.2463]

Very good.