Avoidant Personality Disorder & suicidal ideation

Sharing my strategies for overcoming the darkest periods of my mental illness, which includes treatment-resistant depression. Wishing all of you peace and healing, always. Thanks for watching.
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[@anxious_and_avoidant]

For anyone else that may wonder - I do have a couple people in my life I can talk to when things are bad, and I encourage you to be open with those closest to you if you’re able. But, for those that don’t, or for those of us that sometimes feel burdenous for doing so, I hope this helps. 🙂

[@janegoodfellow1529]

Over 4 decades of this horrible condition (AvPD). I feel and believe it will be the death of me. So grateful for your wisdom and kindness Maxine. Much love to you.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

❤️‍🩹

[@Besotted85]

It´s extremly interesting for me to watch you open up about this personality disorder. Never knew any 1 with this like me! So thank you! And that dog loves you! Damn, i need a dog!

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I’m so glad! And I know 🥹🥲 They’re really the best, totally worth the occasional vet bill if you can swing it lol

[@friarpesel5646]

Sweet doggies just want to remove the sads ❤️

[@alienoverlordsnow1786]

I have passive and active SI. I have mental problems and also a chronic health condition, resulting in depression and aimlessness. I agree that gratitude practice helps. I count my blessings when I lie down to sleep. I also do subliminal positive affirmations with rain sounds videos. One thing I am also trying, is focusing on whats happening, instead of on how I am feeling. I tell myself, feelings are just feelings; no big deal, no need to make a mountain of them. They arise and then they pass away, like clouds. May as well be aware of whats happening beyond my feelings. That's life. Thanks for sharing and I hope everything works out OK for you!

[@Oliver_Bryan]

I find escapism helps me / distracts me, so helps with staying alive. TV, movies, games etc

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Very true… I talked recently about I felt like my escapism was really holding me back, but at the same time it can absolutely be a life saver when you just can’t deal with the way that you feel. ❤️‍🩹 It’s a balancing act.

[@thesoftheartedtheorist]

​@@anxious_and_avoidantThat has been the bane of my life. It is tough to know that you have lots of potential but only to feel like your life is wasting away.

[@balsalmalberto8086]

That last sentence hits hard when you're alone. My coping strategy has been to shut down completely into a emotionless, rigid zombified state in social encounters, even with close family. I can't even begin to remember the last positive thought I've had about my self. My day to day life is filled with negative thoughts ("it doesn't matter anyway", "I don't know matter") and drifting toward inaction and apathy. I have long term active and passive si thoughts. That has been my maladadapactive coping strategy along with practically being a hermit. To think about what could have been or what I'm missing out on ironically makes me feel even worse. I am grateful for my mom and my sister and her family they've helped tremendously otherwise I would have been homeless. I wish I could connect with people and truly embrace and enjoy the moments. and yes I agree pets are the best. Thanks for sharing.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I feel you. 🥺 My negative thoughts never end either. I’m considering making a video similar to this one about how I cope with the grief of “lost time” or having a life that hasn’t lived up to your expectations, but I’m not sure I do that effectively enough yet to give advice about it, because that’s also something that cuts very deep for me when I think about it too much. ❤️‍🩹

[@iva16559]

Thank you for doing this, it helps me so much knowing that I have a literal clone in this world 😅 Keep posting, big hug from Croatia ❤😊

[@dumplingflatbread1919]

It’s okay that you are not perfect, you are a great help by being vulnerable and sharing experience. ❤Glad that you have people in your life who support you, that is so important. Those who struggle with fear of rejection, connecting with people and avpd understand. I’m also so thankful for my cat. Animals with good connection to us can give us a soothing energy for the soul, like a cat that purrs gives of healing vibration. I hope that those of us with crippling mental illness can find healing and peace one day. It’s always true you should never give up. We can accept ourselves and the emotions, positive or negative, that we are feeling. everyone has their share of baggage and sadness despite how good or bad it may seem. Our worth lies in us being human and having hearts, not in what we may do or what society tells us❤ It is so difficult to unlearn that and believe we are worthy and gain the courage to trust and open up to others.

[@scapegoatsolidarity9534]

i recently began to make a friend. devastating because i am now pulling away from them, as the fear and adrenaline produced during the interactions, was too much to bear. i couldnt even sleep from adrenaline, and needed to change clothes from sweating. i want to die so badly, but i believe in Jesus so i cant do that until its my time to go naturally. but this existance is torture. i also fell for this person, just to make it hurt worse.

[@meaganv2039]

This is freaking me out. Not you or anything you’re saying, but I could use your same words about myself. Even down to sleeping to cope. This is blowing my mind a little. If you haven’t tried this yet, I’ve found a certain brand of gummies that are basically indica 2 parts cbd to 1 part thc and it’s the only thing to shut my busy mind down. If you can get something similar maybe it can help you too. Crap now I have to watch all of your videos because the ones I’ve seen are excellent. Time to procrastinate and start that tomorrow. Hang in there lady. Your content is so helpful. This stuff is overwhelming.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

🫂🫶 I appreciate you!!

[@meaganv2039]

Back at ya

[@Amber24426]

I just want to say I’ve really appreciated your voice in this space, within your own corner of KZbin… I am always glad to see you post, and I hope you will continue to cultivate your online presence here :) I truly relate to so many facets of what you share, and hearing you speak to your experiences has felt very special and comforting to me.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Thank you so much for saying that, these comments do the same for me🥹😭 Id be lying if I said I don’t think about deleting the whole channel sometimes when I realize anyone now has access to the worst parts of my personality. 😅 But, yeah… if it can help someone then it at least it gives me a little purpose within my struggles ❤️‍🩹

[@Amber24426]

@@anxious_and_avoidant Aw, I definitely wouldn’t call any of this the “worst” parts of your personality, but I get what you mean- it’s a way different experience when you’re the one sharing versus merely witnessing someone else sharing the deeper aspects of their own vulnerability. Maybe it’ll sound corny or insincere, but as someone on the outside I think the parts of yourself you share here are genuinely beautiful and special in their own right. I think there’s something really powerful and precious in allowing ourselves to explore and connect to all parts of ourselves, even when that includes the parts of us we perceive as our worst flaws. I don’t know, I guess I just am really trying to express that I think learning to value one’s own authenticity in its totality is admirable and so deeply important, profound… and so I hope that regardless of what you choose to share or not here, that you are able to continue nurturing this connection to your own authenticity anyways, as there is truly so much beauty and value in being able to bear witness to yourself just as you are. Hopefully you don’t find my musings or passion for this topic too strange- I just know what it feels like to be your own worst critic and I’ve really come to cultivate a deep appreciation for my own authenticity after a lifetime of trying to suppress myself in every way possible. My hope is that others can find the courage to do the same… it’s a life-changing journey, to begin the process of unconditional self-acceptance. 💚🌷

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Exactly, this is so true and precisely how I feel when I see others sharing vulnerable parts of themselves. And it is a piece of the puzzle of trying to get better for me - allowing myself to show the world who I really am and hopefully attracting the “right” crowd for once. It feels great to just… be myself. Even if it’s just with “strangers”. ☺️❤️

[@markaoslo5653]

@@Amber24426 - I second that! 🌺

[@bradhernandez8841]

This video couldn't have come out at a better time cuz this topic has been on my mind a lot lol. Thing's are looking bleak for me but it really does help a lot knowing im not alone in this. Thank you for what you do 🙏

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[@markaoslo5653]

@bradhernandez8841 - I try to remember a sort of _'book-ends',_ method... _"first, imagine that anything better, is possible"_ >bleak, dark, lost, confused, etc< _"this too, soon shall pass"_ It doesn't _'fix'_ anything, yet it's sort of like using _'oven-mits'_ to take a 'hot' pan/cookie-sheet, out of the _'oven'_ It prevents injury, and burning the _'baking',_ while still moving through the hazard, even if, the _'recipe',_ is otherwise, no good... 😉😃💟 I too, am coming through, a bleak/dark space - it's never quite _'easy',_ yet we do get better at it, with practice... 👍☮Cheers- (you are certainly, not alone!)

[@bradhernandez8841]

@@markaoslo5653 that's a good way of seeing things. I really ought to get a therapist lmao

[@markaoslo5653]

_Not my typical sort of reply..._ 💘💝💖💗💓💞💕💟❣❤‍🩹❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤍 Thank you, and to all!!

[@markaoslo5653]

I'm _more_ awake now... Last-night when I watched this video, I had several synapses, that I couldn't seem to get to queue, on cue 😉 Having just done a piece on SI (and lost it)... I might try to rebuild that one... 😮‍💨 Dogs 🐾 🐕 (especially), are _'my'_ favorite _'people'_ {use caution with 'assigning' anthropomorphic ideations, with our domestic, furry, companion, friends, and the 'wild' ones, too)... They do, for lack of better description, have a culture, and other different behavior processes, that they need, to be treated, appropriately - they've evolved, to adapt with us; we should return the favor, and treat them as the unique beings, that they are, also... ❤ 🤔 _Just in-case, I incited a potential conflict,_ with _saying, "to not"_ compare to others, in self-measure - getting inspiration, from others, is an entirely different form... it doesn't seek to determine anyone's greater, or lessor, _'worth',_ value, importance, degree of 'injury', etc - *_Inspiration._* is quite beneficial! 👍 Likely to the inspiring, as well as the inspired 💟- ⚠ A caution, still exists, for those of _'us'_ that otherwise _'look'_ fine, and presumably, look quite functional, by the broader, conventional (short-sighted, one size fits all), measures - we may then self-disqualify, eliminate, or minimize, our own issues, validity, and degrees, thereof - and, also, we may consciously, or subconsciously, perhaps, take-on a sort-of _somatic_ {somatoform/somatization; psychosomatic; hypochondria, etc} process, that may tend to lead ourselves, to *_either, or, or both*,_** actual, to perceived (otherwise, believed, and factually experienced), physiological, and psychological, distress, illness, impairment, regression, hyper-sensitivity, hyper-awareness, and so-on... I might even go so far, as to **_'suggest the possibility',_** that self-harm, and neglect, abuse, abandonment, etc, **_*'may'_* be in-part, a result of this type of self-justifying-adjustment, or conditioning. The term _"learned helplessness",_ brings an accusatory feeling to me; yet as a sort of _'performance-anxiety',_ meets _'Operant conditioning'_ - fueled perhaps, by the highly self-critical (learned, or innate), internalized pressures *(demand)* - add that to both, the real, and imagined, *demands* from our society - it would _'effing'_ *cripple* (read: disable), the strongest _"Super-hero",_ let alone, another, mere-mortal - While _'we'_ frantically dismantle ourselves, all the while, fighting-off, all those who join us, in this beat-down... _'We'_ my friends (if I may), are not lazy, not weak, nor stupid, etc - We are though, still human (even if, we may fantasize, otherwise...) To put the proverbial 🍒'cherry' on top... two quotes, come to mind: _"we are unique individuals, just like everyone else"_ _"It is no measure of [good] health, to be well adjusted, to a profoundly sick, society"_ 🤗💟👋 Cheers-

[@NyteRazor]

I watched your video again today. I think I understand what you mean by spark. If you didn't feel so low then the simple acts of kindness directed toward you wouldn't feel amplified a thousand times. I've been told that I am very easy to please that's because of the emptiness I feel deep inside. I also have some days where I have trouble concentrating and get short term memory loss. The scariest moment when my heart raced because I started to panic was when I walked to my car after exiting the bank and just stood there staring at it. I knew it was my car but I forgot how it worked. I didn't know what to do but I was aware I was having that moment again and waited about a minute before it all just came back into my mind. My other memory losses are minor like forgetting if I took the garbage can out then looking out the window seeing that I did do that.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

You’re so right - most people would take a sweet moment with a stranger somewhat for granted, but the low perspective makes it feel special. Sorry to hear about the memory loss, that must be quite scary. I hope you have access to some support should you need it. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[@NyteRazor]

@@anxious_and_avoidant Really happy you are back after awhile. Thought you were going to disappear like the others. I just hope they are just isolating and not getting worse.

[@heedmydemands]

Thanks for making this. I have been struggling a lot lately and it does help to feel less alone. ❤

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I’m so sorry you’re going through that 🥺 But no, you’re definitely not alone ❤️

[@heedmydemands]

@@anxious_and_avoidant I've got my kitty to b my bestfriend, it's such a beautiful, uncomplicated relationship

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Yessssss pet supremacy always 🙏🏻🙌🏻🐱

[@heedmydemands]

@@anxious_and_avoidant far superior to people

[@staleyexplores]

Respect. 💜

[@indigohyacinths4015]

ah im sorry but as someone who also has adhd and deals with SI (mine is largely passive) i snorted at the procrastination because i do that to though mine is along the lines of thats work,, are you sure you want to get up and do work so i dont

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Exactly 😂 I’m glad someone gets it loool

[@corniliusrupert5917]

Thank you for sharing. :)

[@NyteRazor]

🤗🤗🤗

[@thesoftheartedtheorist]

A great video. I also have AvPD, ADHD (Inattentive Type) and suicidal ideation. I think that you should put suicidal ideation in the title so that people that search "AvPD suicidal ideation" can find this. You have a lovely personality, It'd be nice for people that are struggling to find this. I also have an Autistic brain. I find my mental health to be a severe challenge. I get the dancing around the SI label because people just hear the first part and assume that you're in imminent danger! I say it in a matter of fact way without emotion because I want people to understand that it is just something that I've always had-- well, since 5 years old and I'm 40 now. I made a real attempt when I was 18 and survived a jump from a bridge (not recommended). Anyway, it is good that people understand it more so that it is easier to talk about. I sometimes sleep early or nap if I feel really bad. To me it is the next best thing to dying and when you wake up you often feel a bit better. I failed to keep a gratitude journal. Good on you for sticking to it.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Thank you for the feedback! I think you’re right, I may swap a couple of my titles & thumbnails to make them easier to search. I’m sorry that this video is relatable to you, but happy that you’re still here with us. ❤️‍🩹

[@Oliver_Bryan]

Pets can really help, but I could not get another one as when the kitten I got died 8 years later it just hurt too much. I defiantly find watching videos of other people struggling and keeping going helps. Knowing you are not alone and that the suffering is actually ok, if that makes sense. Else I can beat myself up for not doing better etc. so thank you for sharing, it really helps. A Question for you and others. Do you find one sex, or age of person or type of person easier or harder to deal with? I find women, especially women in a relationship easier to interact with than men. I do not know if that is because they tend to be more submissive in a conversation or give more clues as to how they are feeling as you interact with them eg, facial / tone of voice etc.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Sorry about your kitty ❤️‍🩹 But this is an interesting question! For a lot of my life I was terrified of women because of the bullying I experienced in school… I thought all girls were judgmental and cruel. Then, after experiencing harassment in real life and seeing the way some of them speak about women online, I became leery of men. Now, I tend not to feel more or less comfortable (socially at least) around either group in my age range. It’s more specific to the person. The group I avoid altogether are teenagers. 😂 It takes me right back to middle school, which is so silly to say as a 30 year old, but teens are MEAN and I will never feel comfortable interacting with them lol. I just *know* they are thinking all the horrible things I think about myself, idk lol. And even though I have the perspective to know that teens are mean because they’re insecure, I guess I’m not secure enough myself for it to not be intimidating lol.

[@Oliver_Bryan]

@@anxious_and_avoidant People can be a pain and I struggle with them all, just less with women in a relationship, I think because they are more secure and know you are not hitting on them or something. However I get on really well with small children, they hide nothing and just accept you as you are :) Might just be we have the same mental age though . . .

[@janegoodfellow1529]

I feel the same, after the death of my last cat. But I'm hoping that fostering animals in need might be a way forward for me. I will "lose" them but for the best and happiest of reasons - that they've found their forever person or family.

[@prove_it000]

would you like to talk about your relationship with your parents growing up?

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I talk about it a little in my “why do I have avoidant personality disorder” video, but I can definitely talk more about it in the future if it’s helpful ☺️

[@justletmesigninokthx]

cant you talk to your partner about it ?

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Yes, I do have people in my life that I can talk to about it, and I often do. I didn’t mention that in this video because I know not everyone with AvPD does, and wanted to focus on the times when there’s no one to lean on. ❤️‍🩹

[@allyson--]

[@allyson--]

thanks for sharing

[@LiveFaustDieJung]

You’re not being insensitive, in my opinion. I think you’re very mindful with your words. Thanks for the advice. I passively struggle with this topic, daily. It’s a personal hell. Thanks for what you do. ✨🩷✨