Avoidant Personality Disorder & regret

Today I'm discussing the grief of regret and how I'm moving forward. Thanks for watching.
Just a reminder to all that I am very much in control of what comments are approved on my channel, and I have zero tolerance for bullying. Act like an adult or lash out somewhere else - it's not happening here. :)
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[@anxious_and_avoidant]

For those who made it to the end of the video: Shirley came back while I was filming this to call me a narcissist, among other things (leaving 5 separate comments over multiple videos) and has since been blocked from commenting here. :) Be well, Shirley. Thanks for the views and for making an example out of yourself. I don’t plan to address these types of comments again, but I have gotten a handful of “shut up and quit complaining” comments since I started posting again, and to that I say: no ❤️ lol There was a time where these types of commenters would have dissuaded me from continuing to share my journey here, but I’m not letting that be who I am anymore, because I know exactly what I’m doing here and why. Love you guys ✌️ Thanks for being here.

[@Oliver_Bryan]

Don't let people put you off, you are not complaining, you are explaining, and you are helping people both now, and in the future when other people find your videos.

[@markaoslo5653]

_"...and to that I say: no ❤ lol..."_ F-yeah! (sorry) - and, to add to Oliver_Bryan's excellent comment: it's observations, and exploration - [Shirley] and _("narcissist"),_ we may often 'project', that which we fear, and/or, desire... and the term, is often misunderstood, and widely, misused (it's a spectrum, for one thing), traits, and/or so-called, pathological (clinical) aspects - and we really only hear about the worst, of them (which I do NOT defend, their actions); just to qualify, Having come from a likely narcissistic (abused, and abusive), parent, and measuring myself, for traits, at least (learned, and genetic predisposition) - it's something, I fairly have to consider, for myself... AITA - Not, if I don't 'be' one... Cheers-

[@t.a.yeah.]

Thank you for your videos and your strength to continue. 🌻

[@don-eb3fj]

You handled that quite gracefully Maxine, and I'm glad you chose to do it this way and allow y(our) antagonist to make an example of herself. I know someone else (John Willis- S.O.E.) who has made this practice into a high artform Sun Tzu would admire, and offers product discounts to reward calling out trolls on his platforms. Obviously we don't want conflict and hopefully your lesson reaches Shirley, but whether or not it does it's a great example of how to respectfully navigate abusive situations and maintain boundaries and resolve. Thank you so much for this and for your vulnerability in sharing your valuable personal insights, those matter infinitely more than a random rude comment from a troubled individual lashing out blindly. Keep talking, you matter.❤

[@prove_it000]

Is there a way to email you? I am asking because I have intimately known someone with AvPD and I think my story might be helpful for you. Much love

[@brianr4054]

I totally get it. I never left the house in my 20s and lived alone. I have a lot of regrets for the things I didn't do. Especially all of the dates I didn't go on.

[@abandonedplane]

My godfather, one of my surviving paternal uncles, has been a hunter of whitetail deer for the better part of his adult life. He told me, long ago now, something that he'd learned from years of observing them, "when they're young, they're stupid; they take risks because they don't have experience yet, but are driven by their nature to reproduce," to paraphrase. Not calling anyone anything by that, but he wasn't wrong. Some of us have better guidance and other resources when we're young, most of us don't, the end. The problem I see with regret (as with guilt and shame), is the diminishing returns they yield past a point of healthy understanding. Easier said than done, especially with the way many are conditioned, often errantly, to manage expectations, most especially when we are young. There is, as I have remarked in comments of other videos, an especially insidious and virulent cult of personal responsibility that perverts what is and isn't in the control of an individual. This perversion extends to include some abstract, and often fictional or mythological reckoning (often to the benefit of authoritarians), of what ought to be, by what time, and so on and so forth. This flawed thinking is where we have ideas such as the nuclear family (of which there's nothing inherently wrong about, just wrong for anyone to think that's the only kind of family, or way to live one's life), or the pseudoscientific social construct of race that flies in the face of the accepted concensus of phylogenetics. It's just baffling to me how as a species we can get past such flawed practices as alchemy or phrenology, yet still manage somehow to be vulnerable to "just so" ideas of what a person's life is supposed to pan out as. Nothing is guaranteed in life, nothing, not even life; and, as I've also remarked in other video's comments, the fact that we exist at all is literally astronomically improbable, let alone the absurd idea that we would be aware of our existence to the degree that we are. And yet, here we are. Basically, what the cult of personal responsibility somehow fails to factor into their alleged sanitized equations of "ought" is what existence is governed by more than anything: luck. The disproportionality of the distribution of luck is as self-evident as anything else in nature, for the disinterested observer. Luck does not play favorites, though it can be argued those that have it have an undeniable advantage; though, this says nothing as to whether or not they're lucky enough to have the wherewithal to appreciate and utilize it effectively. The inverse can also be true; someone can have no such wherewithal, and so much compensetory facility at their disposal that they only fail upward, as we have been painfully made aware of in recent years. So, when it comes to regret over such things as you've discussed in your video, the subject of responsibility is anything but a stark binary, just as is the case with all else to do with morality. Anyone who says different is selling a bill of goods. Don't buy it.

[@markaoslo5653]

@abandonedplane - In so few words, as I'm not usually known for... brilliant! (agreed), and I learned a new word, _"phylogenetics"_ ☮ Thank you, and Cheers-

[@superanxietychick7035]

Oh I felt this! I've had days where I cuss out myself for time wasted, it's what we do. I started to change my mind from being mad to telling myself I didn't know then what I know now and I'm learning. It has made a difference for me. Hope you find your mantra too ❣️

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

This is so true, we have to give ourselves grace in this learning process. We don’t know what we don’t know. Better late than never!! ❤️

[@CajunCraft24]

I’ve gotten more out of your videos than I ever do from vids made by doctors, therapists , and self-styled “professionals “….. you’re very earnest, you’re actually living it, and you’re not trying to sell anything. Hard to find in this neck of the woods

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Thank you so much for saying that. It means the world to me, genuinely. 🥹❤️

[@heatherwiner2883]

58 years old and been alone for all of it. Can not hold on to jobs and totally alone. I have had SI even though I have been to counselors for years. Extremely depressed for many, many years. How can anyone even date? I regret my whole life.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I’m hoping that by sharing videos like this, I can help show people like you that regardless of how much time you’ve wasted, you’re worth trying to improve the time you have left. If you haven’t watched my last video on confidence, I would recommend it, but ultimately no amount of advice or counseling is going to help if you’ve already decided you can’t get better. If you can open yourself up to the idea that minute changes can accumulate over time to lead you to a better place, then you can get better. I know that now, but there’s only so much I can do to convince others. One question to ask yourself when you get to your lowest point is, what do you have to lose? Might as well try a radical new way of thinking. ❤️‍🩹

[@heatherwiner2883]

I have nothing to lose is the problem. If my iife stopped today it would not matter. Treatment resistant depression and too many decades of the same shit.@@anxious_and_avoidant

[@AngelaGoodwin-fh6fw]

I totally resonate with your statement. At 65, I have made very little of my life because of constant and pervasive fear. I've never had a relationship or held a job long-term outside of a nanny position I had for 10+ years. Never had a home of my own either. Feels like I never really had a life and can't relate to most adults. Shame and guilt about my existence comes with the territory, but I do try to step out of my comfort zone in small ways like talking to a neighbor or going on nature walks. I hope all of us who suffer with this can find our way in life.

[@alienoverlordsnow1786]

Hi Maxine! I agree, regret is awful, but like you said, it is actually just telling us not to do that anymore, so its good, if we follow its advice. This reminds me of a daily life review practice that some buddhists do. Its called: 'Remember, recognize, praise, regret and resolve'. At the end of each day, just before going to bed, you are supposed to remember everything we did and didnt do that day, recognize what was wholesome, helpful, and beneficial, praise ourselves for doing those things and resolve to keep doing those things, and then recognize everything that we did that was unwholesome, hurtful and detrimental, and then regret that we did those things and resolve not to do those unhelpful things again. Obviously, Buddhists are very thorough! Hope this helps! Cheers!

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Yes I’m loving every piece of Buddhist wisdom you’ve been sharing, feel free to keep them coming 😂❤️

[@alienoverlordsnow1786]

A spiritual practice is any practice that a person does in order to open their heart, to awaken their mind, to create more happiness and to reduce suffering. Cheers!

[@markaoslo5653]

@@alienoverlordsnow1786 - Cheers, to you too, if I may. I appreciate your wisdom, and thoughtfulness ☮

[@emertoff2]

Regret is a constant companion. I'm middle-aged now and AVPD has caused me to miss out on so many things, many of those things taken for granted as milestones in life. In this position, you have to try and reformulate and reevaluate, but its a difficult and lonely journey. We are all of us striving for meaning in one way or another. I commend you for this channel and for helping to shine a light on this condition.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 thank you. It’s so true… constant reevaluation. I used to think I’d never be happy unless I was financially successful and madly in love and traveling the world. Now my ambitions are muuuch smaller. 😅 But compared to how I’ve been living, even the most minor achievements make a big impact on my quality of life.

[@eraaspr1]

Hi. Regret is a thing for me aswell. I'm 56 years old and doesn't feel satisfied at all with what I've been able to accomplish. Being a father I should be feeling just fine i guess but now when the kids have grown to be adults I'm left with summing up what I've been up to this far. Being a father is the best thing no question. But workwise and socially I'm regretful. Thing is that I see my choices in life has been a consequence of what I was capable to understand that far. Also have a daughter that got together with a guy for a number of years that was a real psycho. He was especially bad behaving when he got drunk. My daughter had to stay strong and fight for her own life ahead and managed to get out of that relationship but it took her a number of years before she could get a better life. She's is now an engineer in chemistry and doing really well. She made her choices with what she had to work with back then but managed to learn she would be better off on her own. I guess that everyone has to be more looking forward and try to stop thinking of the choices that wasn't the best. I struggle with this myself but still trying to look forward. Thanks for sharing your experiences. I appreciate your videos a lot.

[@Oliver_Bryan]

Open and honest as usual, a real gift. Shame can be a big issue in a lot of people's lives, and I think we can struggle with it a lot as things that other people find easy can really slow us down and make simple things which they see as nothing a real challenges for us, or even be a massive mountain that takes years to conquer, and which gets us no praise from most people as they do not see what an achievement it was. People can also shame us as we appear to have progressed less than them, but that is only because it was easier for them to do it. One example, is 20 years ago when I was really struggling I did not leave the house for 2 years, and it took about another year with help from a therapist to start going out again. Was a massive achievement at the time, but only to me, not to any normal person. Hope all is going well with being sober.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Very true. Some people are motivated by the idea that “if they can do it, so can I” and I do think that’s technically true, but is a sentiment that lacks the nuance of considering variables like temperament, quality of your support system, financial privilege, etc. which is going to greatly inform how *easily* you are able to do what others can. I have accepted that my circumstances make things very difficult for me that are nothing to others, and that frees me from some of that limiting shame. Sobriety is going well still - I’m not thinking about it much at all anymore. ☺️

[@markaoslo5653]

@@anxious_and_avoidant - _"amen!"_

[@chilloften]

I do have many regrets, but I also have compassion for myself because of…at the time…I was doing the best with where I was at in this life. But yea, I still ruminate and have to force a sidetrack to that BS. We are very contemplative people. I personally adore that type of people.

[@L3o-baker]

unrelated to this wonderful video but just wanted to share some neurodivergent joy--I finally got an appointment scheduled to get tested for autism after 4 years of waiting!!! thanks for making this cozy affirming space on the internet:)

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Congrats!!! ❤️ I hope you get the affirmation and support you need!

[@deretuld]

This is so relatable that it's really hard for me to watch in one go because I always end up tearing up. I'm not trying to improve myself because it really feels soo hopeless to me (I'm also 30 btw), but it still feels a little comforting to see that other people are struggling with all this, too. Regret is a huge problem for me. If there was a way to get rid of the feeling of regret, it would be a huge relief for me, even without actually getting better. I always find it difficult to have positive thoughts without feeling that I'm deliberately kidding myself. But yeah, I'm not hopeful, I'm glad you're more hopeful than me, though. I wish you all the best! ❤

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I completely understand because that's exactly how I felt not even a year ago. I'm truly *just* now getting to a place where I'm practicing these things and starting to gain some hope back - and part of that honestly has been the result of going through the motions to inspire others here even when I didn't feel inspired myself. I don't know if this will be helpful, but it's very helpful for me to work in basically the smallest steps imaginable, and your "positive thoughts" message is a great example from my life. People would always tell me to think positively or practice positive affirmations like "I love myself," or "everything works out for me" or "I'm a beautiful person" but all that did was make me feel goofy. I can't lie to myself because I know that I'm lying lol. Instead, I started trying to make tiny changes to the way I think, like instead of thinking I'm the worst person on the planet, I would correct myself and say I'm trying my best. That's true, and is still a more positive way to look at it. Or maybe everything doesn't work out for me, but things could definitely be worse. I don't believe I'm beautiful, but there are beautiful things about me. Anyway, wishing you well and at the very least, know you aren't alone. ❤️‍🩹

[@AngelaGoodwin-fh6fw]

Thank you, Maxine for discussing this topic. Regret weighs heavy on me. So many aspirations I let go of due to fear and I beat myself up over this. Never having the relationships I dreamed of, or living on my own, etc. I've always been way behind in life as an adult. In fact, I seldom feel as though I'm on the same level as my peers and even younger adults. However, I keep trying small things that help me get out of my comfort zone. Sometimes it's one step forward and two steps back whenever I do. I also have trouble trusting myself with challenging situations and I keep people at arm's length because I don't feel I measure up to them. I don't want to disappoint others, yet I disappoint myself by making fear-based decisions or being in a state of indecision. Yes, regret is painful, especially at 65 years of age.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Yes, I feel you completely. 😔 It often feels like there’s no winning for people like us, but we have no choice but to change our perspectives and try to celebrate the tiniest wins wherever we can. ❤️

[@AngelaGoodwin-fh6fw]

@@anxious_and_avoidant It's an ongoing battle, but yes, I sometimes will push myself into new experiences and I celebrate the smallest of accomplishments.

[@kgreene460]

Thanks, Maxine, I'm really glad that I found your channel!

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Me too! Happy to have you. ☺️

[@rolf7135]

Great theme. My biggest regret is that I did not see a therapist until I was 39, then for insomnia. It would have been great to have found a good therapist at an earlier age. Not that I have figured it all out, but I recognize that it might have changed my life for the better. But when I was younger, I fear that I might have seen the suggestion of seeing a psychologist as a harsh criticism. Then again, the focus on psychological health was quite different in the early 2000s. Even if I had the resources, I do not think I could have sought help just by myself, as it was mostly part of public health service (still something I would not do; my university probably had some kind of psychological service, but I think you have to be a bit outgoing and seeking to find them; I suppose there is a lot of people that have AVPD that never seek help as they construct their world to live by themself or with few close relationships).

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I think it’s very very common to go without a therapist with AvPD for that reason. I also think it’s wildly under-diagnosed and under-researched for that reason. But I’m glad you were finally able to get treatment and that it’s been helpful for you!

[@slimeball2765]

spend my entire teens cutting off friends that i still miss and staying in the house without interacting with anyone. now im 20 and what people call the "best years of your life" are behind me with nothing to show for it and no growing done, so im a socially inept irresponsible jobless idiot whos too anxious to do anything to improve. anyway, thanks for the video (and the channel in general.) nice to know that im not alone in feeling this way

[@markaoslo5653]

Sparing my usual, sort of 'diatribe' - I'm not religious, yet I find myself nodding in agreement, _'amens!'_ and _'hallelujahs!'_ the whole way through... damn, you're walking the talk, Maxine! Oh, I've had the _"you're not a victim",_ bit, too - and, I think you nailed it, with where 'Shirley' may be coming from (my best to Shirley, too) - And for the record (FTR), I'm no longer, a _'victim'._ anymore; I am however, still, a _'survivor',_ which is a place (for me), of recognizing, more, or less, cause and effect - yet not specifically, enabling, nor disabling, of myself - and, I'm tempted to add, for Shirley's potential perspective - Please, look-up, Cognitive-Dissonance (CD) - I'm so deeply _'hearted',_ Maxine! It's a journey, not a destination, yet that's only a _'view-finder'_ point of view (POV), of it... 💟💟💟💟💟 Cheers- (so amazing, and wonderful!) bye!

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Preach 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 hahaha but yes, if using the term survivor is more empowering for you than victim, or if that’s more representative of the perspective you’ve adopted, then I’m all for it! And ooooo cognitive dissonance isn’t a concept I’ve given much thought to recently but is definitely something for me to revisit now that I’m in my healing era. 😅❤️

[@markaoslo5653]

@@anxious_and_avoidant - Needs clarification; yet, I'm seeing victim, as an existing, recent, or still un-healed, state, of trauma - whereas, I'd make the distinction, as survivor, that the "live-trauma" part is no-longer, even though, or if, the healing isn't complete, per-si - Survivor, allows the badge, that something traumatic, happened, yet doesn't require as immediate, rescuing needs, for lack of better - That's what I drew-up, in my head, when I was told, _"stop being a victim"_ - no-one's ever told me, to _"stop being a survivor"_ - Semantics, perhaps... Cheers-

[@markaoslo5653]

@@anxious_and_avoidant - I think, you'll get a good charge, grappling with CD! I've been writing up bits and pieces about it, and my relation to it, just today (again)... I'm gladly anticipating, what you may come back with, on Cognitive-dissonance (CD)! toot-toot! 💟 😸

[@staleyexplores]

I started playing starfield last night, seems like a cool game but also it's complicated! Thanks for the recommendation 😃. This regrets topic is tough and I can totally empathize and understand. I've been having a lot of GI problems and totally agree that if it's like this now dang what's it gonna be later, has all the good stuff happened? I'm 42 though so a bit older than u r. I also feel like I've wasted a lot of time. Don't pressure yourself to try to make up for lost time bc that isn't healthy either I don't think if that's the total focus anyways. I tend to go full tilt on everything I do and I need to relax but it's really really challenging to not try to drive towards success...I could write so much about this..

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Oh my gosh yeah I’m not a serious gamer at all and it took me a while to get into it but it’s many hours worth of fun once you figure it out. ☺️ I am prone to extreme black & white thinking and typically would be trying to make up for lost time and really pushing myself to change everything at once - this is the first time I’m focusing on starting small and letting the small successes build up, and I can already tell this approach is going to be the game changer for me!

[@staleyexplores]

@@anxious_and_avoidant as usual your ability to see yourself and then explain it through these videos is both helpful for me and also I'm a bit envious of your talents. Cheers and ty for a thought provoking video.

[@sysye]

You still have so many good years ahead of you. What changes are you making for the future?

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

In my last video (about building confidence) I touch on the changes I’m making currently! They are very very small and probably sound inconsequential to the average person. 😅 But I do have bigger goals of course, I’m just trying to take it one step at a time since my personality leads me to get discouraged very easily when I “fail”. I’m hoping my small successes will lead to a snowball effect and eventually I can start working toward bigger life changes.

[@stardreamer3492]

Hi! I’m new to your channel. Thank you for sharing! I’m 43, but I don’t have as much regret as I used to. When I turned 40, I felt that I was half done with life, so I don’t have any more time to waste. I need to be whom I want to be and to live the way that I will wish that I had lived. So, I’m making my actual self more like my ought self, and definitely more like my ideal self. Additionally, one advantage of being older is that you have a better idea of what you want. For example, I now know what to look for in a romantic partner who would be a good match for me. Finally, I now know that I will be happier if I focus on making others happy. I’m looking forward to more of your videos. See you ‘round. 🙂

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I loooooove hearing it gets better with age too, because I feel like I’m *just* starting to figure out who I am and what I want my life to look like… it makes me excited to see where I am at 40. As long as I don’t fall back into “comfortable” patterns. 🤞🏻❤️

[@NyteRazor]

Feels good to hear from you again. Thanks. Hope you enjoy Thanksgiving.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Thank you!! It’s not a holiday I care much about but I will try to enjoy it nonetheless hahah. 🦃❤️ I hope you do too.

[@NyteRazor]

@@anxious_and_avoidant I know what you mean. Just more alone time for me since I don't have to work. Going to enjoy it very much where only a loner would understand. 🤭

[@friarpesel5646]

I think you would be a cool friend. I hope you’re able to start making new and good social connections 🙏

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Thank you. 🥹

[@mariahwilliams5333]

I love your videos! I want to be tour froend so bad lol are you currently working? If not, do you have savings to keep you afloat?

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Thank you! I’m not working and have no savings - I am completely financially dependent on my partner, which is one of the worst consequences of this disorder for me and the primary source of stress. 😕 especially with how much the economy has changed in the last few years… it’s starting to feel like I’ll never be able to get back to financial independence at this point.

[@mariahwilliams5333]

@@anxious_and_avoidant are you in a happy relationship?

[@Besotted85]

You are just like me! You are WAY to hard on yourself! Way way way to hard!

[@verfassungspatriot]

Is it really good to compare yourself with your past self? I mean if your past self was much happier and healthier, what's the point of that? Or when you're sliding into a depressive episode and day after day you feel more like a wreckage. I don't think comparing with the past self is good in these cases... Idk I hate comparing in general I guess xD

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I wouldn’t compare myself to when I was happier, no. That’s a case where I would just go day by day. But of course, if it’s more helpful for you to not compare at all, then you already have your answer. ☺️ I just meant that if you are going to compare yourself to anyone, it should be you. You can strive to be better than you were the day before. But yeah, if you’re falling into a depressive episode (as I actually am rn 🙃) then I think the emphasis should be on giving yourself grace and just doing any little thing you can to not feel the worst you’ve ever felt hahaha.

[@phil8742]

Have you considered getting a selfie stick and taking your subs on a trip or maybe a cooking video? I think you have the talent to grow your channel.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Thank you!! I’ve been thinking about adding “vlog” style videos into the mix to show what I’m working on, just been unsure anyone would care about or be interested in that. But I think I’ll give it a try. 😊