Avoidant Personality Disorder & why we like being depressed

[@devilsoffspring5519]

"I miss the comfort in being sad." --Nirvana

[@daphne1065]

crossed my mind too bro *hug*

[@markaoslo5653]

The comfort, and more importantly, the familiarity, of our tried and trued, anguish, coupled with the tendency to devalue ourselves, as not worthy of better - I think is a big part of _'knowing-better'_ yet not, _'doing-better'_ - is a part of this, I think... - and yes, our tendency to be ... (adhd) I'll re-watch, because I heard a few things, I want to track 😊

[@VS04]

It seems to also be about the fear of feeling powerless(which makes sense why we want to control things). In addition to misery feeling safe, it’s kind of me taking my power back and saying No! only I will make myself miserable, not you-fill in the blank-mom, dad, universe 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Ohhh yes powerlessness is a good word to use for that. That’s kind of what I was trying to get at, at the end… like you said, at least if I’m going to feel bad, *I* did that - as opposed to someone else doing it to me. 👏❤️

[@VS04]

Yes, I impulsively wrote my comment before listening to the very end. ADD at its best 😂

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

@@VS04 loool relatable 😅

[@MehnajBarbhuiya-yh9lg]

Feeling powerless with almost everything happening to me and around me, being able to choose to be miserable by myself, rather than powerlessly succumbing to external oppression, is what gives us a sense of self-fulfillment....Like you said "How can I feel worse if I already feel awful all of the time?" Yes! The things you talked about sounded so familiar.... sounded like the things I want to talk about but even if they want to, none can actually relate to me. Thank you for talking about these things. And you're doing great 💐.

[@friarpesel]

More and more… as I get profoundly and uncomfortably honest with myself… I’m finding that in the areas where I feel bound up, it is in fact my own hand that’s holding the rope. I hope you are feeling better and I appreciate your videos 🙏❤️

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Perfect analogy, thank you 🫶

[@friarpesel]

@@anxious_and_avoidant you are welcome. I owe a lot to the Vivekavani, and the Vedanta Society of New York KZbin channels for helping me realize this. It took a few years but the teachings are DEEP and very relevant, very practical, and surprisingly non religious. I think, with your deeply reflective and sharp mind, that you might get a lot out of it 🙏💕

[@prove_it000]

You remind me so much of my AvPD friend I was in love with. It's been nearly 8 months since we have spoken and life has moved on. Not a day goes by when I don't miss him. I love him and hope he is on a healthy road to recovery. My life was more because of him.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

🫂❤️‍🩹

[@markaoslo5653]

Dang, that hits home!!! and _"...friend I was in love with. It's been nearly 8 months since we have spoken and life has moved on. Not a day goes by when I don't miss [her]. I love [her] and hope [she, too] is on a healthy road to recovery. My life was more because of her [still is]..."_ If yours is any more similar to mine - I am forever changed, for the better (I'm the AvPD one)... My AvPD, and other, _'stupid-human-tricks',_ I more recently discovered, is what caused the end, of this otherwise magical odyssey of hearts, minds, and souls... - And, except for pushing her away (hurting her), thinking it was her doing, then; I don't regret a moment of it - I saw rich, true life, for the first time ever... (ok, I need to stop surrogate, responding, through you - sorry, and thank you!) ❤💜 ☮ 🕯:🤯

[@ALGARIC]

What happened?

This explains soo much about the woman I love. Replaced me in one horrible day. Hasn't spoke to me in 6 weeks out of sight haven't left her house. I'm spun.

[@49ilovemusic]

I recently did some introspection on this topic. Every time I had a few good days, I felt I was missing something important. I found myself wanting to slip back into sadness. It was difficult to admit that I find comfort in my sadness because the average person wouldn't. But the average person doesn't have my mental issues. (°ー°〃) Gloomy has been my default setting since I was a child. Naturally, I become uncomfortable when I feel brighter for too long. Happiness makes me want to do things I wouldn't normally and that's scary. That's not a bad thing tho. I have to remind myself in those moments, my sadness will always be there. Emotions come and go. So, when I feel happy I should use it to do something brave. (●'◡'●)

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Exactly 🙂🫶

[@rikareader9315]

You’ve hit the nail on the head here. It makes me think of the X Ambassadors song, Nervous: “I get nervous when I’m happy. I get nervous, cause what comes up must come down”

[@bookworm_of_heaven]

this reminded me of the song "let me feel low" by cavetown. its got that theme of just letting yourself be ebbed away by your depression and what not, because thats easier than having to worry about getting better. and i think it is, a little bit, bc if we start hating ourselves for not getting better more quickly, then that would defeat the whole purpose. anyway, i think you had some really good takes on this! its not that were in love with the idea of being depressed, its just that were so used to it, that weve been like this since forever, that this is how we had to be to survive, which leads to the idea of being any different being so bad its unthinkable. because depression is too, but at least it is something we know, sth we have *control* of. ugh, im getting nostalgic to when i was 14 and in a bad enough place to wonder about this for hours on end. good times.... actually, no.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Literally me with nostalgia 🤣❤️

[@balsalmalberto8086]

Welcome back. For me it seems every year gets worse. From family and pets dying, losing my home with the same year.. Now I've have more un-diagnosed physical problems added on top of existing poor mental health thats been going on for decades. getting sicker is so much harsher when you're already in a poor state and have nothing to look forward to.. retreating back into solitude is a comfort despite the despair of wasting away with a life unfilled. I forgot what excitement and looking forward to something feels like. Meeting new people, doing new things just does not have any positives when your mind is so fried and backwards thinking. I desperately want to have a mental reset or just go with my plan of ending it all. I've been guarded and protective of myself which has caused great mental decay. Perhaps my ego is so inflated the only reasonable means to fix myself is to allow the death of my ego. There's promising research from micro dosing, psychedelics but none of this is accessible to most people. Just talking to somebody is a slow and agonizing process. Trying to fix yourself is even more impracticable than a following a new years resolution. I'm a creature of comfort and being down and out is my comfort zone.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I think you nailed it with the ego… we’re too concerned with it. We’re too precious with it to want to leave the comfort zone in case something else goes wrong that hurts it worse. I live in Colorado and am considering trying to grow my own mushrooms for this purpose. If it’s figure-out-able and I get around to it, I’ll share my experience. But you’re right… it’s still an issue of accessibility for most of us. 😩❤️

[@markaoslo5653]

@@anxious_and_avoidant 💯

[@don-eb3fj]

@@anxious_and_avoidant I've heard good tales and bad about the use of psychedelics, and the common denominator in the good outcomes seems to be a ritual aspect that helps make sense of the archetypal images and feelings that are accessed through their use, that allow ego integration of dissociated/repressed/unconscious parts of self and grieving long-denied losses. I hear a lot about the Ego being problematic, and for some maybe that's true, but the "normal" ones seem to function better BECAUSE of their more functional ego that more generously shares their character traits with the world, for better or worse. I get what you're saying about injury to the ego, but it seems more accurate (from my perspective, anyway) that the ego/persona isn't strong, cohesive, or adaptable ENOUGH to defend the more vulnerable internal parts from (self?)injury, requiring us to withdraw ever deeper for protection. I know this is a rather abstract concept; maybe a more personal way to look at it is to get more intimate with our inner self parts and feel their pain, grieve their losses, and accept them as ourselves so we can be (on the outside) more of what we are. Maybe the 'shrooms can help us do that, I'd be curious to know what your experiment reveals.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

@@don-eb3fj I’m actually not particularly interested in the big trips in this regard, but in microdosing for mood! I think for someone with anxiety levels like mine, using too much at a time could be awful, regardless of the state of my ego. 😅

[@don-eb3fj]

@@anxious_and_avoidant that's been a deterrent to my even considering psychedelics, I'm mostly already so psychologically detached from the physical world and have such a bad trauma history that I'm sure it would be a bad trip and maybe one way. Even back "in the good dope days" total dissociation was always the biggest effect, so not much to be gained from it beyond "checking out". I can see where the microdosing could have some potential for alleviating anxiety or for helping to connect ego with inner self. If you find a good source for spores, let me know, fungi grows well in these hills.😉

[@aquarius1986]

It sounds like you are Enneagram type 4. That is my type and I relate to you a lot. Type 4's ego identification is with depressiveness. It can be very challenging to dis-identify because type 4 is actually afraid of being too happy. Psychedelic therapy has been the most helpful thing, along with Kundalini yoga. Right now I have low motivation to do anything to help myself. I'm 38 and I'm exhausted from doing all this self-work since I was 16, and still being alone in my apartment, sabotaging relationships, no idea how to maintain friendships, how to finish anything or be a functional adult in the world. Thank you for your videos, it does help to see others with the same struggles. 💗

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I am so very much a 4w5 it’s not even funny yeah 😭😂

[@aquarius1986]

@@anxious_and_avoidant Me too!! Self-preservation instinct got me staying at home all the time. Aaaghhh. I so relate to you, girl! It's rough to figure out how to navigate the world, even if I get myself feeling better I still have no social connections or anything meaningful to pursue outside of my apartment...then it gets to be the vicious cycle. And the ADHD means I have a serious struggle to finish or accomplish anything.

[@eraaspr1]

Hi, thanks for talking about this. I've been diagnosed with avpd a while ago and together with that I have dysthymia aswell. These diagnoses have been a part of my life for a long time (56 years old now) and really feels like they're holding me up rather than making my life even harder. Better to know what you got than not knowing. I don't see myself ever going to feel better and having a good life. My personality is what it is and I just keep staying away from people and situations that exhaust me. Thanks for sharing your story. Helps me a lot.

[@don-eb3fj]

" My personality is what it is and I just keep staying away from people and situations that exhaust me." Pretty much my position too most days, after discovering SPD/AvPD as descriptors of my dynamics less than a year ago (also at 56), after over 3 years of study. All that said, I do find small changes happening as I learn more and hold onto a faint hope that it might eventually enable me to become more effective in the world, to at least communicate what I've learned so that younger people can benefit and enjoy a better quality of life and maybe do even more to change the dynamics of our culture that underlies intergenerational trauma. In that sense, I agree with the idea of being "held up" by identifying through/being validated by my adaptations, at least on the good days. I hope you and all of us can learn how to have more of those.

[@leeannsummerfield3989]

I really wouldn’t burden myself or “worry” about whether you’ll ever get completely better. Just take it day by day, because the personality is the wiring of your brain! Pressure is the last thing you need! I believe that a certain amount of acceptance and accommodation of ourselves is a sign of reasonableness and health!

[@eraaspr1]

Thanks for your comment.@@leeannsummerfield3989 Just recently I was hospitalized. Had a breakkdown last friday and couldn't think straight. I got som help thankfully. Thing is I accept who I have become. I don't feel like trying to mask anything . But people around me, mostly family, doesn't seem to take in how much this disorder is affecting me. My actions are a result of not feeling respect from others. It's hard to get to talk about the emotions you collect during a day. I wish there was more discussions and focus on this disorder. I could really be helpful. I want each and every one to feel respect for yourself, even though it's hard at times.

[@Omer_ezra]

I’m dealing with it actually in my life. I have been through a lot since I was a child and didn’t have friends growing up and so now I kind of developed a sarcastic “go away” kind of attitude when on the inside i’m super sensitive and emotional but won’t let anybody in. I also have a problem with pleasing and attracting energy vampires. I’m in a state of deep misery right now in my life.

[@dumplingflatbread1919]

Yeeyy 🎉new video out❤couldn’t wait! I find myself when I feel miserable annoyed at some of my more optimistic friends/family members, but the longer I spend with them the more their energy motivates me and it gives me strength to remain hopeful. (Don’t know if this makes sense? ) at times it feels so hopeless and it makes us depressed and miserable 😢

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Yeppp very relatable. 😫

[@allyson--]

yessssssssssssss

[@dornravlin]

I used to want to want to stay depressed but then I found the comfort of being some what calmer in life

[@tsukoyomimiyoshi9898]

After trying to find what the hell was wrong with my mindset, and as someone having to be "normal" because of my eventual goals of wanting to do medicine (pathology) (im a university sophomore), your videos helped me to realize I operate almost identically to the way you do. It's beyond eye-opening, and this has given me inspiration both in the sense that there is something to be done to at least ease the ailments of AvPD and that I'm not alone. Your videos are life-saving. Thank you!

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

🥹❤️🫶

[@rolf7135]

Think you are right about control, and the feeling of lack of control might be a large source of anxiety. One thing, that I think is a particular struggle is to ask for help. I think this is a struggle for neurotypicals too. But sometimes, it does not even have to be asking for help, it might just be adjusting the situation a little bit to involve a second person. However, I think that might be considerably harder for persons with AVPD/social anxiety both becuse of the fear of being rejected and because of the fear of being criticized for the work done. One thing that has changed a bit for me in the last year, is the ability to ask AI for suggestions/advice. I find it quite refreshing and I actually think that it could be a driver to take down anxiety a bit. I have not yet tried building my own GPT, a sort of mental coach, but I think I will try, and base it on positive psychology or stoicism, paired with the particular things I want to handle better or reinforce in my days.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I totally think you’re right, asking for help is like doubling down on multiple facets of our fear. And that it probably my favorite suggestion for use of AI so far! Really interesting concept I never would have considered… definitely update me somewhere if that ever comes to fruition. 🙂❤️

[@rolf7135]

@@anxious_and_avoidant I think it is a fantastic tool. I tried to talk/write a novelle about living with AvpD during a three hour lang drive on christmas eve. Great start and great for idea generation, but it would probably not hurt to be a good writer to, which I am not. I think it is a bit sad that there are no books written on AVPD. It would be nice, especially if a bit of progression and hope could be put into it.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

@@rolf7135 I’ve thought about this and have always been interested in writing. I may try my hand someday… in like a decade perhaps when I’ve hopefully made some measurable progress. 😅

[@markaoslo5653]

💯- that AI idea is awesome - it's something quite potentially more useful, that I've pondered too! 👍❤

[@allyson--]

👋 I liked hearing your thoughts on this. Resonated with the idea of a better mental state seeming "riskier". It's one of those things that seems so simple to change if you know you're the culprit, but for me, there is also so much shame bc I can't seem to break the wall! (though, I'm maybe changing verrrry slowly). I also grapple with the fact that I am wasting the privileges & opportunities that come my way due to this mindset. Anyway, Happy New Year to All & thanks again Maxine for creating this corner of the internet for conversation. Hopefully you & your partner stay well after the choppy start.

[@trappedinmymind485]

Very good video, I think this is something that needs to be talked about more. I really like how you talked about being depressed and feeling bad feels 'stable' and that it at least can't get worse - that we know how to handle the bad feelings. Might as well stick with what we know. I do also wonder, though, if there's some aspect of not confirming whether we can or can't get better that's at play. Like, we have hope that we can get better, but there's also some doubt that we can, too. There might be some aspect of wanting to keep that hope and/or not wanting to face a potential reality that we can't get better that drives us to not even try, so we end up staying in that limbo of "maybe one day". Idk for sure, it's more so something I noticed when my intrusive thoughts were making me borderline delusional (not a term I use lightly), but I do think it still affects me to some degree when it comes to getting better and was wondering if anybody else has noticed something similar. I hope my explanation makes sense.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Ooooo yes that’s an excellent point too. Better to think you could than to “know” you can’t - although, I would argue that even failing repeatedly to get better doesn’t mean it’s impossible… but for people like us it would/does definitely feel that way. ❤️

[@trappedinmymind485]

@@anxious_and_avoidant for sure, especially since our understanding of mental health and tools available are a lot better now than they ever have been in the past, there’s definitely something helpful out there for everyone. But like you said in the video, if you try something and it doesn’t seem to work or it works too slowly, it can be easy to get dejected or feel like a lost cause, unfortunately

[@don-eb3fj]

@@anxious_and_avoidant "...I would argue that even failing repeatedly to get better doesn't mean it's impossible." Maybe "failing repeatedly" IS the only way to get better, and it just sucks so much to have to keep taking the hits; each time adds to our reminders of what to expect from trying, so we end up flogging ourselves in private to prevent a worse thrashing in public.

[@chilloften]

I love this type of topic. For me…my experience has been that if I’m happy-someone is going to tear it down in any way they can, maybe even rage and violence. Also….I believe as human beings that we are here to experience all emotions, not just happy, happy go lucky. Therefore, anybody expecting otherwise is not real and grounded. Because I’ve been here long enough to know different. Life is hard. With love comes loss-no matter what.

[@daphne1065]

I have this analogy for my life: There's a pool and everyone's in it. Playing, swimming, floating in the water. I am standing edge of the pool.

[@TurbulantSynider]

Hahahahaha hey hey hey i am same hahaha

[@Amber24426]

I think there’s a lot of fear in accepting more happiness into our life- because what if we take that vulnerable step forward to accept it, to internalize it, to believe in the realness of it, to embrace it wholly, just for it to be taken away? I find too that there’s something about being content or happy that feels quite one-dimensional or boring to me after awhile. I’ve noticed that in the moments where I do feel able to accept and internalize positive feelings, it feels good for awhile but eventually grows stale and dull for me? Maybe subconsciously it’s just another way for me to reject happiness because I feel uneasy when contentedness lingers for more than a few days, but it genuinely feels boring or under-stimulating to me on some level. I’m pretty much used to feeling fairly intense negative emotions (stress/anxiety, despair, soul-crushing loneliness, etc) on at least a weekly, if not almost daily basis, so to have all of those feelings suddenly be gone and replaced by a peaceful yet placating happiness- I don’t know, there’s just something about that which feels so hollow and uninspiring to me?? And it seriously makes me wonder how other people can stand to live without similarly big emotions cascading through their mind and body on a consistent basis. I feel so torn about this because my negative emotions leave me routinely drained and quite irritable, and yet I can’t imagine a life lived largely in their absence either. I know for many it’s a tired cliche to insist this as some kind of anecdotal truth, but I really don’t feel that creatively-inclined when I feel good about life and my life’s circumstances. I don’t want to propagate the notion that one must suffer in order to connect to their creativity, but for myself at least the two seem largely, inarguably interconnected 😕

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I think this is a very interesting point that I have heard other “healed” people speak about before. Peace is boring. Contentment is boring. But I think we’re used to getting all of our stimulation from within our own minds by our negative emotions. While peace may feeling boring when doing the same things we’ve always done - like sitting around at home avoiding real life - it allows us the freedom to explore other ways to activate that creative energy by *doing*. But yes, not an easy transition for people like us. ❤️

[@Amber24426]

⁠​⁠@@anxious_and_avoidantyeah, I’d say there’s a fair amount of truth to what you’re saying (not that what you’re saying isn’t true, just that there is a lot of nuance when it comes to these more abstract conversations). I’ve had a similar realization at various points in my life- that living like this gives me a lot of internal stimulation, but not much external stimulation. And it seems when I observe people on the outside who at least appear to be more emotionally stable than myself, they seem to live lives with much more robust external stimulation than my own, which subsequently would leave much less room for huge swaths of boundless internal stimulation. So I agree, that it seems there is at least a need for more balance between internal and external stimulation. I’m not quite sure I’d ever have the appetite for the amount of external stimulation some people have in their lives, but I could surely use more of a balance of the two than I have currently. Thanks for your comment, it means a lot to me ❤ I really enjoy getting to hear your perspective and having some amount of discourse here on topics which feel incredibly meaningful and poignant to me. (also had to edit this approximately a thousand times because apparently I cannot string together a properly structured sentence to save my life, hahaha).

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

@@Amber24426 ugh, that ever elusive “balance” I hear so much about 😩😅 I don’t know her but hopefully someday I will hahahaha. Thank you, I appreciate you!!! 🫶

[@don-eb3fj]

@@Amber24426 🤣 Laughing out loud with you about the editing. But very astute observations about the balance between internal and external stimulation. In my experience it has been a question of having a "safe" relationship with someone I can share more of my inner world and self with, who appreciates and identifies with those aspects and interests enough to establish an emotional exchange, to vicariously sample THEIR pleasure in a shared experience (I'm deeply dissociated from my own feelings and emotions in other contexts, Anhedonia and Avolition to the max). That's difficult to find, even moreso when every instinct says NOOOO!

[@cyndijohnson5473]

Thanks for sharing … this gives me insight into someone I care deeply about who pulled away suddenly and without an explanation

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

It’s hard to love an avoidant 😩🫂 Hopefully they have the insight for themselves… it’s necessary to stop the sabotaging. Take care of yourself. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[@leah2097]

hi, i just found your channel today and i just want to say thank you for talking about the struggles of avpd and sharing your own experiences with it, since 2022 ive been pretty sure i have avpd (haven’t been diagnosed yet) and your videos are helping me feel less alone and less ashamed of the way i am :)

[@neobrain7884]

thanks for speaking this out, it is pathetic, but it is also big part of some people's lives, even when they know it's a terrible trait

[@dessarose]

Thanks for this. Hard to admit but is true.

[@don-eb3fj]

It's more comfortable to lie still on the sidewalk than it is to land on it (repeatedly) after being thrown from a window above it.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

A good way of putting it 😅

[@WynneL]

I always said about my pessimism, "you can't fall off the floor." The moment anyone says to me, "you've got this," I go from possibly having it to not having anything at all--except the urge to curl up in a ball and die from my freeze response. There's some kind of terrible trauma in the idea of being able to even hope, let alone succeed. What would I do if such a mythical thing ever happened? At least I know how to respond to my pessimism coming true. The familiarity of that keeps us from having to deal with the perils of gaining anything we could lose. The problem is, that's not a life, right? It's a prison. The terror of stepping outside of prison is the only way to have the joy of freedom.

[@MusiCatsKing]

Familiar - the word you were looking for was familiar; or safer. You pretty much said what i thought you would say, I don't have APD, but i have CPTSD with passive aggressive and avoidance tendencies; along with chronic depression and social anxiety. So, i can understand what you're saying even if not to the same extent.

[@jeromekagan]

100% You described it perfectly.

[@NyteRazor]

Mic works great. No background noise.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Awesome 😎 glad to hear it, and nice to hear from you! Hope you’re well, I don’t see ya too much in the Discord! 🫶

[@NyteRazor]

@@anxious_and_avoidant That's normal for me being very quiet but really happy with all the people you're helping with your discord channel.

[@Jona7Fer]

I'm turning thirty two next month and am tired of feeling depressed all the time. I'm really trying to prioritize my physical health as the most important thing for me to focus on this year. Have some workout videos so I don't have to go to a public gym and am feeling pretty good on this carnivore diet I've been on for a month so far. I don't know if it will give me long lasting happiness but at least I don't feel complete despair for the mean time, even if I'm still mostly housebound from my agoraphobia.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I think that’s a super good place to start… you’ll feel physically healthier, be building confidence, and easing the depression and anxiety naturally all at the same time. It’s really the best way to get to a point where you feel more *able* to leave the house. ❤️💪 Proud of you! 👏

[@Jona7Fer]

@@anxious_and_avoidant Thank you, Maxine. I'll be cheering you on as well. I appreciate your videos a lot, I feel less alone. Hope we can all make positive changes this year.

[@balsalmalberto8086]

I started strength training. I have bad body image issues. I went on a proper exercise routine for a while and cut back on carbs, more protein and eating healthier. I was happy with the progress until I started losing energy and getting shocks in my forearms and losing said progress. Now I struggle with exorcise and am back to where I was. turns out I suspect I have kidney disease from a life of crappy diets and carpal tunnel syndrome. Spent a lot of money on equipment that I now cant use. Just lovely. I'm back to where I was and moved back another 10 steps.

[@markaoslo5653]

@@balsalmalberto8086 - ❤

[@YungNoDussy]

10:35 Ive verbalized this before. As long as I can preprogram or plan for things to happen then i cant be brutalized or caught off guard. I know its almost impossible but during those moments of stonewalling i have to force myself into the conflict and speak about whats happening. It feels like my mouth is stitched shut but i have to rip the stitches out. It does bring immediate relief, but now theres a conflict that you addressed which means its real and not imaginary.

[@nishanacht]

I totally fall into that line of thinking -- like do I really just enjoying being miserable?! Like what would I do with all that extra neutral/joy energy and my time...

Its heartbreaking to hear this.

[@morneemall8482]

I've watched all the way through, and although I'm having a bit of trouble grasping the gist of this video, but at least I understand that you're explaining about the perspective of looking at long happiness. You bring up philosophical topics that I think are similar to concepts in stoicism. There are shades of psychology in this video, whether you got it from therapy or reading books. "Is it not enough for them that we have sent down to you the Qur'an to be recited to them, surely therein is great mercy and a lesson for those who believe?" (Al-'Ankabut: 51). For us Muslims, the mind that we have, a healthy mind, is used to understand the universe, the signs of Allah's power in this world, and also to understand the verses in the Quran and the hadith of the prophet. So for us, reason is the tool, while the object is the universe and the divine verses in the book. There will be no contradiction between the verses of Allah and this universe. And a healthy mind will learn from both. Only humans can lie. So the universe and God's revelation are true. So they go together. We need guidance from the scriptures in living life so that life is meaningful, the future of the last day is not just the world.

[@williampowell3378]

It’s a control issue. Unpredictability is scary. It could be a courage issue. 11:15

[@heatherwiner2883]

I totally get it.

[@thesoftheartedtheorist]

Well covered!

[@ttttiiimmy10bit]

It took me 30 years to feel better (as opposed to 30 days) 🤣

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Yup, exactly 😅😭 it’s a hell of a grind hahahah

[@lindsay3793]

I don't know how to let go and be anything but guarded. I don't much know how to joke around and have fun. Plus, these days people are always offended by something and if I open my mouth I will probably be fired and blacklisted from the world.

[@markaoslo5653]

14:12 - Once bitten - twice, shy ;-)

[@Ali-20244]

One step forward two steps back 😅 arghh

[@AXharoth]

youre sooooo prrrrrrrretty waw subbed

[@9000ck]

its comfortable to be miserable, i'm not sure i like it, it isn't associated with pleasure or laughter although it is comfortable.

[@FirstmaninRome]

What kinda sad movies you been a watching girl? Lately , I been really into film noir, of late, horror, but when I think of just sad, I don't know blue romance, or something like that?

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Mostly just dark dramas I suppose, and movies about mental illness. Sometimes movies that aren’t necessarily sad but I know will *make* me sad, like sappy love stories. 😅 Just stewing! 🍲

[@nugget6635]

I don't think it's about liking. This is a very fear-driven personality so... It's about safety, feeling safe and whatnot. So an avoidant PD simply put thinks living is too risky. Going out with friends is too risky. Friends can be fake toxic friends and whatnot.. So yeah avoidance, fears, fear of commitment, fear of responsibility, fear of toxic asshole people, fear of accountability, fear of society, people and the Sun itself... Fears... Because an avoidant PD person does not feel safe around supposed (possibly fake) toxic-ass friends... It is BETTER to be alone, kinda depressed but still safe than to constantly feel threatened by the enmeshment of toxic ass friends. Avoidants do not notice this as fear because lack of self-consciousness defines all Personality Disorders.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Exactly 👍

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

Damn, did not expect to get called out by a title this hard, lol

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Hahahahah I’ve tried to think about it as little as possible since posting this video 😂❤️

[@mercurialbird1]

you can be less depressed because i am proof. you obviously think about it a lot. keep going.

[@MakeDemocracyMagnificientAgain]

I think in the long term you can only get out of this loop with equanimity. Equanimity is an inner attitude that allows one to react more autonomously to unexpected events. This means that you develop a higher level of acceptance and tolerance for particularly positive and negative valenced internal states :) The Predictive Brain and Meditation (Prof. Dr. Heleen Slagter) kzbin.info/www/bejne/eJq9mKh5YqZmfZIsi=QFQ96qj8kkR2VInw

[@Chiefland7]

Love you 🫶

[@noturbo]

enneagram type 4?

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

A 4w5 to my core 🥲 lol

[@noturbo]

@@anxious_and_avoidant Me Too Nice to meet you 🥰I'm just laying here crying lol life

[@nickreynolds4805]

I like art i want to see your art.

[@markaoslo5653]

First 😜 ❤☮ 🕯

[@nickreynolds4805]

Its a prevasive pattern.

[@leeannsummerfield3989]

I actually think this is too blaming. Nothing wrong with having some “sad” time when you are working through years of trauma. Instead of judging ourselves (and others) so intensely lately, why not talk about mercy, gentleness and PACING of our feelings and progress? There are many different kinds of depression and mine was certainly never any kind of choice or preference.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

This isn’t about blaming, it’s about recognizing our patterns and understanding ourselves. If we are holding ourselves back from being happy or getting better just because it is uncomfortable for us, then that’s a problem that needs addressing. That’s not always going to be what’s happening though, so maybe this doesn’t resonate with you because that’s not what you’ve experienced. Or maybe it is and that’s why it’s triggering to you. It’s hard to accept that regardless of who brought us down in the first place, we are the only ones that can bring ourselves back up, and sometimes are keeping ourselves down unnecessarily because that’s all we know. It’s not judgement, but just breaking it down into what we have control over to try to find solutions.

[@chilloften]

Styles of attachment-are not disorders.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

That’s correct. I have another video about how avoidant attachment is different to avoidant personality disorder if you’re confused! 🫶

[@Somebodysomewheresometime]

This is my first video of yours.. I was going to ask if you got this way from a narc, then I looked at your playlist and saw yes. Same. I didn’t know i had this - kind of did- but yea. I have isolated myself since 2014 (after the narcissist) and just have no interest in people whatsoever. I’m crushed. My children were alienated and that was the final straw to my open heart. Looking forward to watching your videos - and just subbed. Everything you’re saying is so me! Aghhhh🥴