Are They A Narcissist Or Just A Jerk How To Tell The Difference

I often see people calling their boss, their partner, their friends, their family members, you name it… a narcissist.
And, they might be a narcissist… but it’s not that easy to diagnose.
True Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is not as common as we might think.
In today’s video, I share the 3 most common traits I see people using to call others a narcissist and what they could mean instead.
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This video was created by Barbara Heffernan, LCSW for educational purposes only. These videos are not diagnostic and provide no individual consultation. Consumption of these materials is for your own education and any medical, psychological, or professional care decisions should be made between you and your primary care doctor or another provider that you are engaged with. Barbara Heffernan is not available for individual consultation via KZbin, social media, or email, and provides services only in the manner mentioned above.
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#IdentifyingNarcissists #HowToTellaNarcissist #NarcissisticPersonality
☀️☀️CHAPTERS☀️☀️
0:00 Intro
1:57 What NPD Is
4:45 Selfishness
7:00 Taking Responsibility
10:38 Talking Behind Your (or Others) Back
13:20 Why it is Good to Know if They are a Narcissist
15:25 Reasons it is not Helpful to Know if They are a Narcissist
17:20 Boundaries

[@daresaryan8229]

I think the position of Dr. Ramini is correct. The are people who are highly narcissistic, and then there are some that have narcissistic personality disorder. It's okay to protect yourself from anyone that displays those traits.

[@justplayinggames963]

As a man - that suffered from his Narc mom - aunt and sister - from age - 0 - I have never experience love without conditions from my family - mom - or society - no family - no friends - no partner - no kids - and no body to talk to - I can recognize the symptoms

[@selfesteem3447]

Damn straight!

[@spunkysparks1779]

I felt that. It gets lonely in adulthood cause you don't know hoe to deal with these things.

[@michiganmymichigan]

They condition you. Attempting to connect with anyone feels like more abuse. Be kind to you.

[@ewhite3691]

I can relate having a somewhat similar situation with my family. Being made to feel crazy because you are the only one who isn't a psychopath is really hard to come to terms with. I'm not sure how old you are or what your life situation is but by working on myself and staying clear of toxic people I was eventually able to find an amazing wife and now have two beautiful children. Stay positive, anything can happen in time.

[@crystalstrader9806]

The line from Matchbox 20’s song Push, “And I don’t know if I’ve ever been really loved / by a hand that’s touched me” may resonate with you the way it always has for me. Healing is possible; arm yourself with knowledge (as you have here), dig deep, and forgive yourself for the things you were not able to control. ❤

[@Secretgeek2012]

My wife calls her Mum a narcissist but it has only been until, in response to my own sense of confusion, despair, that I found that my own wife ticked pretty much ALL the boxes for a covert narcissist and not just an example here, an example there, but consistent ongoing behaviours over years. I have watched many different channels, such as this one, to find the behaviours consistently talked about and, without fail, I have been on the receiving end of all of them for years. I started looking on order to check my own experience, as I had been accused by my wife of being a narcissist myself, and I wanted to check if there was any truth to that accusation. Instead, I discovered that the person who should be my partner was actively working to keep me emotionally damaged and subservient.

[@glassjester]

How do you deal with it?

[@lydiabeg7387]

If you don’t mind asking, what did she do to keep you emotionally damaged. By the way , some children who are raised by narcissistic mother are narcissistic themselves especially if they were over praised as perfect child and / or if they were abandoned.

[@bstarnes514]

Yep my wife and I both accuse each other of being narcissist..... One of us is wrong or we are both right.....I just don't know lol.... So now I'm here researching on whether or not I'm the narc lol.... I still think its her though.

[@lydiabeg7387]

@@bstarnes514 lol that is funny. Who gets offended when someone gives opinion or ideas different? Who gets jealous of others success? Who think they are better than others. Narcissist don’t show their behavior . They hide. Maybe both of you are not narcissist . Lol

[@bstarnes514]

@lydiabeg7387 Yea, I'll admit I can be difficult sometimes, but I've never been called a narc by anybody prior to my wife....

[@Smith.S.sStocHasticSs]

boundaries don't work in powerless situations

[@selfesteem3447]

I've studied narcissism for many years and I grew up in it. I know it when I see it. It's hard not to identify the when there are so many narcissists On the planet nowadays.

[@johnhanaly2943]

I see what you mean. Technology, mass communication, confusion and other things seem to have created a difficult situation. I agree with the biological explanations though because the narcissistic behaviors look so desperate and strange that they seem stupid. Maybe it's caused by pollution.

[@kk-ou2qc]

@@johnhanaly2943 i believe is created by society. toxicity multiplies. one narc parent can make more than one traumatized ascendant, and trauma can turn into another narc, traumatizing their ascendants, and so on.. todays world IS traumatizing in so many ways. perform, perform, perform! grow, grow grow! these last two decades were a slowly worsening mess of toxicity and hatred and scam and sociopathy, i believe to have witnessed.

[@vistron888]

I think there are more narcissists than the percentages claimed. For years I observed behaviour which I knew at the time to be odd but I didn't think about a disorder. Only since about 2008 did I identify certain people in my life who had an uncaring streak but stuff about NPD only came to me in the last few years through youtube. Joined up the dots. It's taken me decades to get here. Why has this never been discussed in the media before in all my other years. My theory is that there is a high level of narcissists in the mainstream media.

[@fightswithspirits915]

I'm fully qualified to diagnose someone as a jerk. The rest takes care of itself.

[@s.aura.h8084]

"jerk or narcissist, either way yoire not being treated right"... So true, im someone who over analyses and thinks too much and i needed hear that. It really doesnt matter what he is, i just need to move on and think aboit myself.

[@observationistdave]

What helped most in recognizing a disorder was helping me to clarify myself as far as thinking I was insane in dealing with these people in my life.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Yea - I do think that feeling of “am i crazy?” Can be a signal. Great point!

[@lisaia7877]

Unfortunately me going through years of thinking am I crazy did not clarify it for me but just drove me to study and dive deeper and deeper for years trying to figure it out and piece the evidences together til things clicked just a couple weeks ago

[@paytontyler1459]

Hi, Barbara. I love your videos on people with NPD. Would you consider making a video (or perhaps you’ve already made one?) on “rescuing” someone else from a relationship with a narcissist?

[@Lala-lp1uy]

It's very complex. I used to have an aunt scream at me and accuse me of selfishness when I wasn't even being selfish. I began to notice she was very dismissive. I came to her when I felt uncomfortable with a superintendent, and she absolutely unleashed on me. Called me a liar, and said I was just a difficult person making my superintendent's job difficult. My superintendent began harassing me while black-out drunk. I was blamed. And then she refused to speak to me. I called and apologized to them; I shouldn't have because there was literally nothing I should have apologized for. It was wild how they reframed my experience. They said I had lied about my superintendent and accused me of provoking him. They retold events as if they were actually there. They were completely way off in retelling the story. I was framed as an evil liar. I did nothing of the sort. They felt anything I came to them with, especially if it was something difficult, it was automatically my fault, and they would retell my story to me, painting me as the devil. My mother was very difficult and abusive. The same relative loved to tell horror stories about my mom. What I began realizing is there were holes in what she told me because she only seemed to repaint my mother in the worst light, when my mother refused to respond to her provocations and baiting. She loved to bait reactions. She called my mom a pedophile enabler and told me she didn't care that I had been sexually abused, which is probably a big lie. Despite believing my mom was literal Satan, she then admitted she almost gave my mom my address to her without asking me, despite knowing I was no contact due to her abuse. This was to teach me a lesson over the superintendent I guess, or to show me she thought I was just as worthless as my mom and deserved her. I laughed in confusion and said, "omg why? I would disown you." I was being facetious, and she responded with rage. She had me say I won't ever leave her like that. It was weird because she was so disrespectful to me and my boundaries, but was so sensitive to any little thing I say. She Loved to dish out criticism and verbal attacks but the moment you indicate that you would set boundaries, or if you gave her constructive feedback, it evoked a disproportionate rage. Loved to dish it out but couldn't handle an ounce of criticism. When my mother died she insisted I shouldn't go to her cremation, that I would just be disruptive, and said, "everyone, and Mr. ________ thinks you're just an angry person." It was so strange. When I replied that her approach was inappropriate and asked her to refrain from triangulation (She also admitted to talking about me to a sibling who used to be very abusive). They decided I would just be disruptive. I asked her to refrain from looping people in and triangulating and just hold space for me. She accused me of imagining things, and then threatened to loop another person into the "disagreement." She accused me of starting drama. Then she stonewalled me. At first I was apologetic and said I would talk to a therapist. I approached and said her response of saying I was imagining things was disingenuous, and looked kind of like gaslighting. I asked her to stop triangulating people and then act like she is doing something out of a fake kindness for me. World war 3 happened. Insults. Ad hominem attacks. Called me crazy, psychotic, pathetic, said I was exactly like my mother. Claimed I "threatened her" with disowning her but then deliberately retold that story as if she was just innocently minding her own business and did nothing to provoke a response. Attacked my story of abuse. Accused me of having a bad memory. I responded and told her to try just basic empathy, or the good old, "if you can't say anything nice, say nothing." I refused to answer her attack. I refused to retell my abuse story because I don't need to. She accused me of harassment and then said I was in a psychotic episode. They told me to cease contact but then continued with accusing me of lying and having holes in my memory. She gave me the gift of knowledge in my mother's death by showing me just how toxic a sister she probably was towards my mom.

[@vanessamorey3812]

Scapegoat role. To the letter... I hope you find your peace and get the f away from all those demons.... They have no love for you, that much is CLEAR. 🙏 blessings

[@ZLLi661]

Oh my goodness. I hope you never speak to this psycho again. I can see this similar thing happening if any of my kids happen to speak to my CN lying perversely cruel and abusive sister. I have a wonderfully loving relationship with my kids. I made sure my own kids are like that with their siblings. My Mum tried with my sister and I but since my sister was (still is), a lying abusive pos just like our extremely abusive father, there was no hope. My sister stopped trying to assault me with every interaction as soon as she got engaged at 22. I was 19. She put on a show lying to our mother and everyone that she was being a sister to me. 5 years later when my now husband met her he later told me something that he picked up. He’s very good at sniffing out narcissists. I told him she’d changed. He wis honest with me and said he didn’t believe that she’d changed. Joke on me. She’d been ‘nice’ for 35 yrs. With the intermittent contact. As soon as mum died the pos came out and she went straight for members of my own family- my kids, my husband and me. She’s only stopped her perverted accusations- “It’s your fault Mum suffered as she was dying and it’s your fault Dad treats you the way he does”, and doing perverted cruel acts to me and my kids, since I went no contact. That was 2 years ago. She is dead to me. I am sad I probably won’t see her kids again but my sister is unhinged and that makes her unsafe to be around just like the first 22yrs of her life. I realize She won’t stop trying to hurt me and my kids until she is dead. So no contact it is. And thats ok.

[@heide-raquelfuss5580]

Horrible.😢

[@janelleblount128]

I’m am 💯 a empath (without boundaries 🤦🏼‍♀️)- my whole life I have been called a hypochondriac and overly sensitive. My husband checks all of these boxes for a narc. My first aha moment was learning about gaslighting… so much became clear. That led to narcissism and finally this person that I could not for the life of me understand… became clearer. I have told him for years I feel like I have to emotionally disconnect from him to feel sane. I did come out with gaslighting to him and was able to give him so many examples. He didn’t deny but definitely made him angry. He has so many people praying for him. I see glimmers of hope but my own hurt leaves me with the inability to decipher if it’s real or not. Like was said in one video- he’s great at saying the right words but the follow through usually fails. Currently I am taking steps to take care of my own mental health. Learning how to decipher reality from not. Learning how to control myself and my reactions. Getting out of the fog I have been in. I will say community brought me back to reality- something that was taken from me for so long has been the best thing for me… get in it! For my kids sake I need to do everything in my power to make it work and if it doesn’t, at least I can say that.

[@cassiemergo9592]

I’m so sorry your husband abuses you. I’m so sorry people have told you it’s better to stay in an abusive marriage since you have children. That narrative is beginning to shift, but progress is slow. Children will be traumatized by living in an abusive home. An abusive home is a broken home and they will feel the trauma for decades to come. I hope you are able to escape and you and your children can have the peace you deserve. ❤️‍🩹

[@janelleblount128]

Actually, I have a really good support system to leave. I just wanted to double and make sure that he’s not willing to change. Currently I have a game plan and it’s in the works.

[@lora97006]

First, this was one of the better videos I've seen on this subject as far as clarity & relatable examples. Thank you. Next, I had heard the word narcissist many times through life without ever really diving into the true meaning. It wasn't my youngest child, as a teenager, called me one. I was perplexed because I had always derived at least narcissists were mean & unloving...which I couldn't relate with at all. I became a mother at a young age (pg at 15, had 3 children total over the next 10 years). I realized in my late 20s, early 30s that there were some rather important interpersonal things I missed out on learning the way my peers did. Peers who were single/not parents themselves/many were also from 2 parent upbringings). Our early family dynamics/dysfunction & various traumas throughout life likely also contributed to my "late blooming" as an adult. Now 46, I am proud of the fact that I've used criticisms from others to 1)learn more about myself, whether I agreed, partially, or not at all; 2) change, improve, otherwise grow from those perceptions where applicable. My father I believe is at least near the camp of npd & wasn't a huge part of my upbringing, just recall being very afraid of him growing up. Visits were sporadic, especially once he had a new family. My late mother, raised me- was the sweetest...but very enabling. All these terms I learned way too late imo. Not too late, I guess, because I'm grateful for my lesson & think I'm a pretty good person who is proudly capable of unconditional love - my mother's greatest gift to me. I am still learning boundaries but have come a long way for sure. The quiz this host suggested says I'm a "boundary superstar," lol. I do tend to end up falling for narcissist-esque men these days...but I'm learning after being widowed & another long term marriage. Years definitely change the times.... Good luck everyone...❤❤❤

[@olilumgbalu5653]

Jerk is just the layman's term for narcissist. Of course, someone who is a jerk could also be a psychopath or a sociopath but it's a thin line between all three of those personality disorders anyway. Psychiatry/psychology is always splitting hairs and finding new diagnoses with which to pathologize people.

[@loodwig]

I think there's a gulf of a difference between someone who is acting like an ass, someone who is a consummate jerk, and someone who has a cluster b personality disorder. It's too easy to fall into the trap of black and white thinking. You can just as well see anyone who is charitable as seeking validation and anyone who is not charitable as intensely selfish. And of the dsm criteria for narcissism are traits everyone of us has exhibited at times. Equivocation serves nobody; if everyone is a narcissist, then nobody is. Here's the thing: if someone's sick with a cluster b... you can take solace with the fact that you possibly aren't crazy and your abusive relationship is the result of a vile illness. However, when someone is a cluster b, you have to see them as ill, and therefore, your abuser is no longer culpable for the harm you endured. By comparison, if your ex is an abusive prick, then you can hold them to the same standard as you hold yourself and make a moral judgment with safety. You cannot legally (or really morally) charge someone for harming you when they didn't choose to. If I were to strike you while having an epileptic fit, I doubt you'd press charges. But if I strike you in a fit of rage, then by all means, throw the book at me.

[@JuliannUnicornStarTarot]

exactly

[@edweirdmassey]

my ex gets score of 8. i know i cant diagnose her nor would she ever talk to a profesional about it. but if it looks, waddles and quacks like a duck then it probably is a duck.

[@stl2nola72]

My ex person has all nine of the traits discussed. It’s also really hard for someone with this personality style to be diagnosed because they won’t seek out to see a mental health professional unless they are literally forced to do so. That’s why I believe it is under diagnosed. I’m an empath with a covert narcissist mother who has never been able to have a healthy relationship because I am a magnet for these types of people. As a result I will probably be single for the rest of my life. This last relationship was 12 years long and I lost a whole decade of my life. The stress caused me to gain 95 lbs, developed an autoimmune disease and my hair is falling out.

[@staceycook6404]

Oh gosh I just went thru this with my daughter and her friend her promoting herself at the expense of me for her to blame me why she is destructive behavior I left that conversation feeling so drained and beat up !,, so hard when this is your adult child !,

[@chaoswitch1974]

Yes! This! Thank you! I feel like my problems are so minimized by everyone abusing the term. My mom is a covert and it took me, in my 40's, being in a relationship with someone who is overt, to figure it all out. Edit: It's amazing that I haven't been with someone with NPD until my 40's.

[@keithstewart7514]

I woke @ exactly 58 1/2 years old to the day! Glory be to God.

[@WriterK]

I do condemn narcissists!! nothing allows no one to inflict their narcissistic sick behaviors on others, specially on their family members. I would recommend everyone, including YOU to read Dr. Ramani's books, and listen/watch all her videos and podcasts, and interviews with trauma affected people, even if necessary take psychology classes as well even if you don't want to get your PhD in it. You will learn a lot better as a common person.

[@Poppy-yx8js]

Dr. Ramani cyber bullied me in a hate campaign.

[@annafife9094]

Thank you! This term is so pervasive now, I really needed your clarity. I didn't know my mother had some covert NPD traits until I realised my little sister had taken up the scapegoat role that had once been mine. It felt natural to me to be in that role but beyond painful to see it inflicted on someone else. That's when I had to know more about it, so I could help her. Since researching it I have become paranoid that I have NPD traits that I might pass onto my kids. I have tried really hard to break this cycle/ system, but sometimes that fear takes over. You have reassured me that it's okay. Sometimes we cope in nonsensical ways, sometimes we are just jerks.

[@maidofcornwall]

I watch these videos to try and help myself in understanding someone that I know. In doing so I've constantly asked if it's me. After all, it's often said that the one pointing the finger is sometimes the guilty one, and I doubt myself so much these days. I talk about people behind their backs, and after a lot of thought I now know why, so I'm trying to correct that in myself. Also, I'm autistic and when someone does or says something that I don't understand, I go and ask my husband to help me. I'm usually upset when this happens so it can come across as being bitchy and overreacting. But that help is never there, he just yells at me and says it's all very simple, but never explains anything to me. Anyway, after watching this video I'm even more convinced that the person I have to deal with is a narcissist. And although I might be guilty of one trait, it's a relief to know that I might not be such a bad person after all. Thank you.

[@igibob1120]

You are just asking the right questions and making wonderful videos containing the questions which kept me stuck. 🙏🏽for that!

[@wannabetrucker7475]

Poor George, bless his heart. It's to your advantage that you're able to deal with all sorts of people 👍🏼. Whatever personality issues people have don't really bother me, unless they are trying to ruin the country (thinking ex prez et al), that ticks me off pretty good. This is neither here nor there but I like your hair that way, not trying to trivialize your content which is great. When you said that you can't change people, that is life in a nutshell tied up with a bow. 💯💯

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Lol re your comment on my hair - and thank you 😀 and yes to your 💯

[@kimberlychilds5744]

Thank you so much for this video! Unexpectedly one of the most validating videos I've seen regarding my experience

[@martina.6513]

Thank you, Barbara, for making these videos in a clear, easy to understand, accessible way without sacrificing the content. I find them enlightening to those like me who have had relationships with narcissists. I wonder if it was only the guy who I briefly dated or all narcissists hate analogies and metaphors. I find them useful to illustrate certain situations, helpful in making a more difficult point across, yet these were labeled as my "beating around the bush" and seemed to be cause for a lot of irritation on his part which naturally led to my being condemned for not speaking clearly....the opposite of my intention!

[@michiganmymichigan]

You can't explain to a narc. They will dance circles around you or themselves. Be kind to you. 🧡

[@jaysuthers435]

I do, unfortunately, engage in talking behind someone's back but it is generally just two people who have the most baffling behaviors. My usual group of friends and I aren't picking on those people or being derogatory. But we talk about their strange behaviors. I don't think it would be surprising to say that both of these people exhibit narcissistic patterns. We see and interact with these two on a regular basis and they are generally nice people. Then they suddenly do something baffling and the rest of can't help but discuss it behind their backs. My view of it is that we are trying to help our brains figure out why these two suddenly do these strange things.

[@p.s.shnabel3409]

From where I stand, there's nothing wrong with that. You are discussing behavior that deviates from your expectation ... that's why humans are a social species, we observe and we exchange information. I find that as long as what I say about someone is something will also say to their face, I'm within my moral comfort zone. And yes, that can be negative things as well (as I expect people who mean well to tell me when I'm acting up or out).

[@usernameisunavailable8270]

Because we ALL have narcissistic tendencies. It doesn't mean we ALL are narcissists.

[@michiganmymichigan]

They could change up their behavior from the anxiety of being gossiped about by those they rely on for kindness and comeradery.

[@Snowystardust12]

It sounds like your motive and purpose for talking about these two people is to understand what is baffling you about their behavior, and to try and figure out how best to relate to them. That is good and healthy social behavior. Granted its possible it may descend into gossip if we speak of such people without compassion and respect for them, or with a sense of our moral superiority. But that is very different than pure gossip, where the intention is to put someone down in order to prop yourself up. I can be confusing when you’ve been in unhealthy relationships, to differentiate between negative gossip vs talking to work through difficult relationships. Especially because people who’ve harmed you often get very angry and cast you as the bad person when you talk about their harmful behavior even tho you’re only trying to understand, and find a healthy response to them.

[@p.s.shnabel3409]

Thank you so much for this follow up! I appreciate the visual support to understand what you're talking about, my brain is happier with getting both audio and video. Here's my thoughts: I think one other positive side effect of understanding the narcissist better is to help avoid them in the future. If I remember that I am not a specialist qualified for an actual diagnosis and remember to temper my behavior with as much grace and mercy as I can manage, then I do believe it is good to know what you're dealing with. Let's imagine it's a person you've started dating and every single red flag for narcissism goes up. Considering they can be very charming and personable at first, it might save you from a negative experience later on. Or you just got hired and one of your co-workers (or superiors) makes your alarm go off. Using caution and avoiding obvious pitfalls in dealing with a narcissist might be a great strategy to stay healthy and sane while you look for another job. It might help us to not hand out second chances like candy at Halloween, making us feel bad about ourselves (when the narcissist will inevitably not react the way we hoped). As you pointed out, Barbara, maybe the above is true for people we can't get along with, no matter what they are. But then again, if that other person doesn't have a personality disorder, I may be able to reach some kind of compromise. With a narcissist, I know I cannot and will cut my losses. Again, thank you so much.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Agreed!

[@TimeTravelingCrystal]

this was soooo very helpful - thank you! my husband has high functioning Autism, or what was once better understood as Aspergers - but I ALSO believe he has NPD as well. Can't wait for you to that video!

[@mindalandrith3487]

Love your content/wisdom. Thank you

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thank you for taking the time to let me know. I’m so pleased it resonates.

[@Vanessa-xn1bk]

These videos from high professional people as you're, very help get me together and I am glad to say that there's a path ahead but I am on it and focused to go. I will get there.

[@user-gt7gt5pg8q]

Great video! So helpful.

[@apelger8360]

Thank you! It does seem like the term is constantly being thrown around. One if my majors in college that I decided not to pursue was Psychology. I learned about narcissism but being married to one for 25 years was a whole different thing. Everything was about him, he constantly put himself on a pedestal, I felt like he expected me to worship him or bow down and kiss his feet. I was completely invisible to him, mostly. But it took me till close to before the discard (when I stumbled upon a book about covert narcissism and recognized some of the patterns) to even start considering that he might be an over narcissist. It's hard to match a general, impersonal term to a real person who was your only family in a foreign country and who you trusted even when part of you knew you shouldn't.

[@bethaniesylvaince5943]

I appreciate this specific video very much. Thank you😊!!

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You are welcome! Thanks for taking the time to let me know!

[@Verdeoxid]

Great video. It is incredible how this term is being used wrong, dismissed the víctims of real narcs while the NPDs still seems a nice person in the public eye.

[@syzygy4365]

Those are some amazing tools you left for us in your description box. Thank you!

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You are so welcome!

[@KarisPigNose]

A silly superficial note to Barbara: Your hair looks great slicked back. It's very sleek looking.

[@syzygy4365]

That last example you made about narcissists talking bad about others is something I experienced with my ex that was very hard to deal with. It was the zero accountability then when repercussions came around he was putting my family down because they were upset. This hurt me so much. Instead of reflecting on his bad habits and why people were upset with him he'd turn the blame on them. Now that were apart I see how he's turned his resentment onto me because I'm not sheltering him from his bad habits and choices. Not only that but Ive suffered and sank so far from being with him that I have become dependent on others. It's an awful situation. Im getting better though. Not as fast I want to. And he's finally taking accountability for himself and being a decent person to the people he's staying with. I'm happy for him, but I know good and well not to hurt me, our kids, and my side of the family like that again by letting him come back. All I can do is take it day by day and do what I know is right, you know?

[@Snowystardust12]

I desperately need more of these videos, differentiating between NPD and what it’s not. It can be confusing when you’ve been in unhealthy relationships to differentiate between NPD and other trauma. I was led to believe i was a narcissist, tho that word was never used. My family (including my ex husband) mistreated me and then consistently accused me of mistreating them, and i ended up feeling like I was going crazy. I totally lost the ability to distinguish when I was acting according to my moral ideals and standards and when I was not. So I started working with a therapist, having her read all email and text communication between me and these family members. I asked my therapist to help me see where I am being unkind, or unthoughtful or irresponsible. Turns out, Ive been kind, caring, responsible, but my relatives have not, and they are projecting onto me. Im slowly unfreezing my paralyzed emotions, barely starting to release the frozen image of myself as a bad person nobody can stand to be around. (The truth is my abusive family members can’t stand to be around anybody, unless they can boast, gossip, blame, bully, etc.) My therapist helps me see when I’m being forgiving, generous, trusting, helpful to others, and she helps me when others are not being the same toward me. These clarifications have felt soooo good, but i feel horribly guilty for feeling good about myself, wondering if I am a narcissist for feeling happy when I see that I’m not abusive, and it’s my family whose been abusive. Turns out, I’ve been conditioned to take the blame for others’ abusive behaviors and I’m not used to feeling any self esteem or self worth. As my therapist helps me build my self esteem, i feel guilty for feeling this self esteem. But, I’m slowly healing and learning the difference between someone who is being selfish, egotistical, controlling, abusive (or even has NPD), and someone who’s used to being framed and manipulated into believing that they are, when in fact they aren’t. Unhealthy relationships can be very messy and hard to see who is in the wrong or not. I try to stay very conscious and focused on my motives at all times. If my motive is honorable, to care for others and myself, to respect others unique ways and support their needs, to humbly see the truth of my and others’ faults with compassionate eyes, to change and grow to be a better person…then even when I’m not sure the best way to act, even when I inevitably am less than I want to be, then i feel some peace..because I’m open to see my imperfections, make amends when needed, and work to improve myself. It’s so painfully hard being in relationship with emotionally irresponsible abusive people! 🥲 Sometimes they are people you deeply love, like your parents or husband (or ex husband), and you can’t escape and have to learn to turn these relationships into a school for becoming a wiser, stronger, more loving person.🥹

[@Yohanan552]

My house mate is a vulnerable narcissist, and he definitely has the "interpersonal exploitative" trait. I'm amazed at how good he is at making me feel bad for wanting nothing to do with him. He's like "you can't just demand perfection. I did one thing." Such a serious condition. Not too familiar with it, but I can see how these people rip people apart.

[@alema309]

Does he help with house chores?

[@ellesutopia]

My mom hits all nine diagnostic criteria. Not a surprise. I’m working on getting her out of my psychology for good.

[@karencox8699]

New listener here! I watch these videos on NPD traits for information to make sure I understand people and possibly why they do what they do! If people don’t want to know then learn something else-we are all different and that’s fine too! ❤😊

[@JenniferWaite63]

Thank you for explaining the differences. I learned a lot. I'm sorry to hear about your dog 😢. I hope you're doing ok.

[@kayramsbottom5206]

Thank you, this was very helpful to me.

[@AdeebaZamaan]

Thanks! I care about language because it shapes how we think (& feel) and I hate our tendency to medicalize, weaponize, institutionalize, and otherwise cram every nuanced, squirmy, slippery bit of life into our current buzzwords. Even when our buzzwords are centuries old.

[@a2078lt]

Thank you. 15 years is a long time to go without knowing.

[@celestehogan5907]

Thank you for explaining.. all of this.

[@plasticreplica]

Hello ! i just discovered your channel and it is so soothing and reassuring. Could you ( if you havent already and if so please redirect me on it ) tackle the topic of discarding , why they leave you and what they expect from you when they discard you . Thank you kindly!

[@Suboptimalconditions]

Very helpful and realistic.

[@crwlh6721]

What about a guy who finds fault behind other people's back? Like, writing people off because they failed in some way? Examples: I don't like her because she wouldn't help me get a job. I don't talk to him anymore because he wouldn't let me use his car. I don't want nothing to do with him because he wouldn't help me move, etc. In all situations, the other person somehow failed to come through for the guy. All social relationships are with people who "do" something for him. Then, on the flip side, the guy talks about celebrities in this way: if I knew him we'd be best friends. I know we'd be bros because he's got a sense of humor like mine. He'd like me because I make jokes just like he does. These things always had an intuitive alarm going off in my head, and I'm not sure if it's just because I *hate* getting help from people. Also, who talks about celebrities like that? I've never hear of that before & it seems a little delusional.

[@supernova4995]

Parasitic and fake person... They do it to everyone... To you too😮

[@lydiabeg7387]

You explain it well. Now a days people throw the word narcissist everywhere even when someone say something to them that sound arrogant or jerk kind lol.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thank you for taking the time to let me know it resonated with you!

[@lte3027]

This is a very nice video.

[@ScuzzBunny]

I'm highly anticipating the video you mentioned on Narcissism vs. Autism. I'm currently in an extremely toxic 18 year relationship I can't get out of wherein somebody is using a vague diagnosis for autism to justify acting abusively toxic towards me and attack my entire social group. He's explained that if I leave him for being abusive then I'm abandoning a disabled person and he will die in the streets because he can't take care of himself, yet he refuses to get outside help in managing his symptoms. My finances are dwindling and my health is failing from the constant drama and smear campaigning. I suspect he's narcissistic rather than autistic because he was seemingly fine until young adulthood, then things turned bad for him, and it sounds like autism presents much earlier. Regardless, I'm struggling with the guilt of leaving and moving on with my life because he's convinced he's too disabled to even get help, and I'm his only hope.

[@moTheFace]

Plan and run!!!

[@stephaniepittaluga5057]

that sounds a LOT like a narcissist who’s guilt tripping you (classic move for many N’s) plus your own state reflects a classic narcissistic abuse victim profile. Sending you lots of encouragement to leave ♥️

[@rozdoyle8872]

Let me just kindly put this in very Plain Direct English for you as somebody who was caught in the same sort of trap , You have identified the issue , now , be proud of yourself for getting this far , make small tiny steps towards realizing and Accepting that it is not your job to bring Hope to anyone besides yourself and it is Your Job to save yourself because No One else will. Shutting down to build yourself Up will lead you out and it takes time , rest , self care and eventually a little peace one day at a time to see where you have come from , Minding a miserable person is not a life . I wish you progress one day at a time .Life becomes simple and beautiful when they burden is gone .

[@Roswell33]

Wow.. I'm Autistic and while it is possible to have ASD and NPD, it is very rare. Either way he is incredibly emotionally manipulative and is emotionally blackmailing you. He is not your responsibility, point him in the direction of some resources and GET OUT!! One more thing, it matters how he makes you feel, not what his diagnosis is.

[@pennypie923]

If someone is making you suffer, what difference does it make? Please, you need to stop the abuse by leaving. You deserve to be loved. Why support someone else’s care to the detriment of yours?

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

God already diagnosed narcissists in His Word the Bible. 2 Timothy 3:1-5 3 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. 2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, slanderers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, [a]haters of good, 4 treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 holding to a form of godliness although they have denied its power; avoid such people as these." Narcissism is a choice, lots of people do not raise their children with love but one of their children will be kind and loving. Lots of people were raised with loving kind parents but turned out narcissistic.

[@johannajorgensen6416]

I found this amusing and intriguing. When I finally realized through therapy that I was dealing with a person with NPD in a previous relationship, I jokingly told a friend that I thought he was "just a jerk". This was not simply an understatement, but a critically incorrect assessment of him altogether.

[@user-do4eq8sr5c]

Boy, you just ma be the best. When. Was young and n schools l smone jo was a psyche major as nys, Now I was young and indicated but t left me with this possibility. Then you come along and you have what is missing in the others, Welcome to my world, to me you have what it takes ( like an outstanding teacher)

[@Gigi-pd8vj]

8/9! Succesfully passed the test!

[@sarahstrong7174]

I have found it very helpful to understand that people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder are literally physically addicted to the chemicals generated in their brains and bodies when they cause others pain and distress. It has helped me to make sense of persistent & deliberate very harmful & violent behaviour which otherwise seems completely irrational, as the abusive person is hurting someone who is actually being very helpful & only supporting them. When you have been heavily gas-lighted & made to feel everything is your fault & you have worked hard for years at being helpfull & to not do anything blameworthy at all & your mind is in a maelstrom desperately wondering if somehow it is all your fault, in some way you cannot work out, despite your efforts. Then at that point it really helps to have a way to make sense of the abusers behaviour.

[@syzygy4365]

That's not narcissism, that's the definition of a psychopath. They literally get a chemical rush from inflicting pain on others. Some sort of high from hurting them because it's a rush and makes them feel better.

[@work-live-play]

Thank you....I was wondering where all the a-holes went.

[@stevennewhouse3127]

I would love more content on the differences between autism and NPD. A few others have touched that too and of course there's the probability of there being comorbid both of course but I would love even more content about the differences. Maybe also including ADHD.

[@MrCesarification]

You seem to equate narcissism with NPD, like it’s some kind of binary. Either someone had full blown NPD, or is not a narcissist at all, black or white. This is simply false, narcissism exists on a spectrum, trait narcissism is totally a thing, and NPD is widely considered an extreme form of grandiose narcissism, not the only form that merits the label. Making a diagnosis is by no means necessary to recognize behavioral patterns. As a matter of fact an NPD diagnosis has almost no practical use for victims of narcissist abuse.

[@ivymargetts3975]

I know somebody who's got all of the traits and really exhausting person to be with.

[@Dovorkian]

I think people confuse the DSM and ICD as more than what it is: a short hand for billing and communication between health professionals. The bullet points are for convenience. They're meant to be used by someone with years of training and study that allows for nuanced diagnosis, e.g. a person could have personality disorder traits with out having a personality disorder etc..

[@maidenfanusa]

I thought a propensity to control other people was a feature of NPD, through manipulation, gaslighting, and exploiting one's anxieties. That is not so?

[@DamyanTenev]

Yes,narcs are good at spoting weaknesses and go from tgere

[@martinmurphy6036]

Yes , it's a totally over used fashionable word, people use it for anything about a persons personality which is disagreeable to them and thus becomes confusing as to it's true meaning.

[@imago9059]

Low empathy is a common trait for more diagnosis. Including Asperger's.

[@PrecociousFriand]

'Narcissist' has become such a buzz word that everyone thinks they are somehow qualified to use it to describe anyone. Usually anyone that doesn't agree with everything that person says or does (hmmm, who's the actual narcissist in this situation?). There's pop psychologists on social media who have made a whole career out of it and they just invent new 'categories' of 'narcissism' that aren't even in the DSM because they need to widen the scope of what they can profiteer off. People are generally gullible though and they know this.These pop psychs are just snake oil salesman.

[@Musica00001]

What is the best way or strategy to adapt when witnessing the narcissistic person saying or behaving in an insulting manner to someone dear to you? How to make him understand or manage better such frustrating situations. Thanks a lot.

[@mike-ology22]

I think the reason we hear it being said a lot is because the narcissist are on the rise and I've been told before I was a narcissist. It turns out it backfired on them because if they hadn't told me I probably would have still been in the same cycle. You said that a narcissist needs to be surrounded by highly educated people. I have tried to teach people on benefits how to change the system but they are not interested and like claiming benefits and living their dreams. The only way I can change it is if we get the engineers of the world involved so I am forced to speak to the higher educated because it involves law, the economy, banking and so on. All the participants of that need a wakeup call, but I can speak with a homeless person or a CEO that doesn't matter

[@user-ef7gz4zq7k]

Your first paragraph implies you broke away from narcissistic behaviour. Your second paragraph appears to be evidence of narcissistic behaviour. Am I reading this wrong, and you gave an example of PAST behaviour, this is what you used to do? Or am I reading this right, and you are in denial of being narcissistic?

[@DamyanTenev]

Classic

[@johannag.2932]

😂

[@v.c.7330]

What if using others to achieve their goal is absent but all other traits are there?

[@Tiggy123]

DSM changed it from four traits to five? Hell I'd have thought four of the traits would be enough.

[@user-pm8xl4od9l]

How do I search for one of your videos that I want to see again?

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Hi! If you go to my channel page, there is a search icon and you can put a word that might be in the title. In the YT search bar, you can put my name and then the topic…. If you can’t find it, lmk what it was - but please start a new comment cause I don’t always see comments to my comment to a comment 🤣

[@mbaigop6223]

Comparison is the root of all these

[@clintgahm1495]

"Tell me about a time you failed or made a mistake?" This question is impossible for a narcissist to answer sincerely and their response will tell you everything you need to know.

[@Nina-ur3ld]

Can you do this with other personality disorder as well?

[@budlaumer]

helpful

[@beaucournaya8718]

Is there any way possible I could private message you? I’m sorry but ive dealt with a lot my whole life im 25 now I just need to know some things that you could probably answer for me. I think I have a lot of issues I feel like I have everyone of them honestly lol I feel like I’m weird or I feel different. I just never feel confident or determined. I’m honestly just really a sad person. I need to fix my relationship with my fiancé greatly and I don’t want that she feels I don’t want to be with her a lot of the time because I honestly just sit there and think and stare off into space talk to myself try to make myself feel good anyways it all boils down to my parents and what has happened in five months recently has destroyed their relationship with my mother and father, I don’t expect to actually hear back from you lol but I guess it’s worth a shot. I hope I hear from you. I hope you have a good rest your day.

[@lisaia7877]

Further confirmation I no longer need that my mother is one- she most unquestionably has 7/9 of those traits- the other 2 I’m not sure on - but she is definitely a covert

[@jeffreymartin2010]

I would guess that a core trait of interpersonal exploitation is listed separately because they may not be obviously displaying the trait. If someone has all nine, but only obviously displays 2 or 3 then they still have NPD, but I suppose you can't give them the official diagnosis.

[@Star-dj1kw]

❤ excellent

[@obgfoster]

I think a lot of "narcissists" may actually have OCPD, which is more common but less well known. I work in a profession where attention to detail and rule-following is very important, so a lot of us lack empathy, are sure we're right, and demonize people who make mistakes or don't do things our way. YT comments on videos like this make me wonder how many people who are labeled as narcissist really aren't, so thank you.

[@Poppy-yx8js]

Well what do we do as a society to bring to light to the general population and law enforcement and our court system just how dangerous individuals with these disorders can be? Including psychopathy. Because I mostly see people trying to get people to believe they are suffering and mentally ill. They know what they are doing and they do it anyway. It’s a problem with low conscience and low affective empathy. These people often have callous unemotional behavior and do serious harm. If we are as lay people not suppose to diagnose then what do we do when a sociopath or psychopath is coming after us and people don’t think it’s serious?

[@keithstewart7514]

My Sadistically Catholic NOT'her derives harmonious joy from her infliction of harm on to me by her or any other famdamnly member...

[@exlesoes]

Both

[@ShaunDeleon-gw1fz]

My wife has every trait and we been married for 6years in March would be the 6th year of marriage. I recently left because I see all the red flags I tried to explain too her hopeing she would understand what I have noticed and accumulated in her personality and how I felt about it. I also explained that I dont want to live with someone that is not going to acknowledge understand who they are what I seen and felt being married to her. I love her and all our kids. So I left recently back to parents house and so then she goes distantish I end up getting a call and I here someone I know and he is there so we spoke I hung up went straight there asked her questions about why this other man is in bed with her clothed or not it's not right as a marriage you focus on your spouse and kids family. Not trying to say I can friends and beat around the bush. So I walked outside kept texting her that he needs to leave now it was night time my step daughter is there also. She shouldn't be thinking that it's ok for this to happen so eventually I think he went to couch as I asked for her to tell him because it's not right and who knows how long he's been there and what they are doing. A lot is going on in our life's rn however it may play a part in those rash decisions she does to get seek attention bc she knows I "found her out" I'm pretty good at reading ppl and done alot of reading of psychology books. So he slept on couch i think I slept in my car because I've had enough and I wanted it to be known and her to understand marriage even though she says all these things about. Marriage and such like she knows but majority of the time she doesn't exseed. So I leave then I ask her days or week later did he leave she said he left the next day. Well our Valentine's Day comes I bring wife and daughter cards and balloons I hear her in the house because I caught of guard bc it is a tiny home walls are very thin. I do and say some things about her car needs to be locked well I hear her car lock afterwards she is saying she is not home lieing again and be more communcative which I'm always communicative im very detailed because I'm serious about everything certain things especially marriage. So I stay in car she said she was with Paula at HEB. In Willis I go there then says she at the gas station right by there I go and play my pi role I seen some f150 trucks but. Time was getting late and I have to be inside at or secondary location by a certain time so I go back to tiny home and wait I put the cards n balloons on porch and told her they are there. So I hear someone getting them probably her or child. So she said she still with Paula and they ran out. Of gas I get my mom to send her money too put in Paula tank to take her home because she is complaining to me that Paula and her bf are arguing on the phone. So I now get this guy Bob the husband of Kathy supposedly Cara and Kathy worked together and known each other for years. So hes. Telling me things trying to make me believe don't want to make my surprise better this and that I told him no. She telling me things I'm not. Sure who to believe but I'm the type to sit back and watch what's going on to get my answers too make my decision. So I'm still at the house parked she has been hours it's way later she said they went to relay station Paula bf works well to do something idk but now she said they get into accident but they are ok. And she is getting Kathy to pick her up. So a bunch of non believable events when after the gas my mom put in she should have came straight home so she wouldn't have to deal with that. So Im still awake just watching who pulls up I think I ended up hear a truck pull up then words but I was in car half asleep. When. I wake up completely in morning I leave again 50 miles away. Bout 10 am I get texts from Bob and her same time Bob says we just got here da da da da. And her as well saying kinda similar but. Her saying she woke up to all these texts so not. Sure what too believe because story is not adding up

[@ShaunDeleon-gw1fz]

Well I eventually come back and she gets oldest to text Me look for cat this and that they still not letting me in the house Caylee is very disrespectful to be but I look outside for that cat but then wife text me turn you car around like you normally do bc new rules of the RV park. Which is lie bc ppl park like how I was all the time I guess bc I have tinted windows it was for so I don't see what's going on

[@ShaunDeleon-gw1fz]

So I left that morning after that because of the lies and her not being truthful and confessing. Well the other day I randomly went there unannounced and slowly parked got out and I had a feeling this old friend of mine was still there her being untruthful. And because she knew she couldn't win on the fact outcome and I had figured her out. Well I walk to the AC window unit about our bed. And you can hear them talking his voice was higher up like in a position and hers lower I was hard to make out what they said but I immediately confronted Chris and told him what get the fuck out my house my bed with my wife then after that I herd him by right corner window yelling I guess trying to make it seem they weren't doing anything well I'm out side calling my mother n sister they trying to to calm me down it takes her 5 to 10 min to open the door because I was leaving when she did so I parked back walked inside ignoring what she is trying to tell me she tries to hold me back she lets go I make myself way too beed room open the door she sats see no one there which i confronted her bc she knows i herd tht made that known. I open the bathroom door and he's there in the dark I turn on the light I got loud and told him straight up to get out and call his ride now. Then I walked out half way he started to get out the restroom then my wife is standing next to him then comes to me standing side ways in door way I told her some things gave my ring back n left

[@ShaunDeleon-gw1fz]

But from what my whole life with her. Supposedly Bob says she spoke highly of me idk who to believe my mind is mentally screwed and I'm always praying to god. She texts me and never wants to talk or answer the phone

[@ShaunDeleon-gw1fz]

I guarantee that she is a covert because she says her mom definitely is one. I hate typing but I know for a fact she has 5 more of the traits of covert. She always seeking attention and social media on her phone and always reciting what other ppl say. Just all the things you explained in this video and others add up too very well how she acts she always has to be on the pedistool then try to take control of the relationship. Thinking the woman wears the pants n lowering my self esteem she always has to be the one talking and never actually understands when I logically prove facts and then she gets crazy but I'm always to blame for her feelings and emotions etc

[@julieprice9310]

Think of the movie gas light .

[@remedythis-dreamworld]

I have a couple of bosses that display Npd. All I know is they are both a-holes in their own special way….one more covertly than the other.

[@thriftypinklady]

Would you say it's a huge red flag in this situation? Someone who's not handicap parks in a handicap spot, then gets called out by someone who is handicap and needed that spot. Instead of apologizing, (since they're very obviously in the wrong) they ignore the person, and start muttering to you under their breath that this person is just being a jerk, they don't actually need that spot but just feel like saying something since we don't have a handicap parking pass. They're also a very aggressive and impatient driver. To the point that they avoid rush hour because traffic makes them that mad.

[@andhemills]

You might just be describing a jerk. Narcs are more identifiable by projection (accusing you of things they do or you would never think of (where did that come from), but then they later do (aha!), like calling you a snitch, but then down the road calling cops on you after they attack you). They might call you names or otherwise put you down, but if you treat them the same way, they will escalate in response; I call it finger for hand (not eye for eye); They would cut your finger off. If you cut off their finger to make it even, they would cutoff your hand. Return in kind and they'll take off your arm. Everything is an escalation with them and they fail (or deny) to see their responsibility in the situation. They don't think rules apply to them, though. Avoiding rush hour seems reasonable. What's the point of sitting in traffic for 2 hours when it could be 30 minutes? Find something else to do and let the herd pass. The aggro driving and handicap parking is more telling. Reminds me of a time I saw a young, able-bodied person park in a handicap (I was tempted also, but didn't). I called him out on it. "You don't look handicap" (He could be and just not obvious), and he replied "Why don't you do something about it?" I thought, I am doing something by calling you out. So, I said, "You want me to do something? OK." And walked back to my car since I left my phone in it. I learned the (traffic) police have no jurisdiction on "private property" so parking signs are basically recommendations. I was told that the store would have to call the police, which didn't really make sense to me since if there's an infraction being observed, what difference does it make who reports it? I didn't notice, but when I tried to get their plate, they had left. In hind sight, they probably thought I was going to get a gun! To get a better idea of how they work, watch What to Say to a Narcissist to Shut Them Down Permanently by Tamie M Joyce

[@firstlast9654]

May narcissistic injury cause narcistic personality???

[@ericjensen9091]

Okay, I can't diagnose people, not even myself. However, I'm convinced that I'm at least a consistent jerk. 🤔

[@sheilaisaacs981]

but what if they were a narcissist before the TBI?

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Of course if they qualify for NPD before TBI they could likely qualify after… it’s just that TBI does not cause NPD.

[@Cat-and-mouseyjdm]

I notice you made no distinction between overt and covert. Are they different in regards to your comments here?

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Hi: I do have some videos on covert narcissism. I don't think overt vs covert would change my comments in this one... lmk your thoughts!

[@Cat-and-mouseyjdm]

@@BarbaraHeffernan Thank you

[@carolinel2530]

I don't understand all the narc talk. If the person is an asshole, limit or stop contact. It's nothing personal.

[@user-qr3le5oz9u]

My mother

[@nid2598]

Please make a video on intergenerational trauma. Thanks.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Good suggestion.

[@ShaunDeleon-gw1fz]

I love my wife and kids very much but idk if can take it anymore. Or want to as much as i want to be with her. I feel like im not getting through to her head and never finishng the race.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

How about a "narcissistic jerk"?!

[@janethomas78]

I attract addicts/Narcissists- the same thing.

[@FriskyTendervittles]

I don’t think people are jerks they are unconscious. Everyone is just a walking trauma response with faulty thought patterns

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Actually, I agree with you… people’s pain can manifest in damaging behavior - externally, internally or both

[@bellesterbeatty3571]

I disagree! It's not that they don't want to change. They can't !

[@foreverseethe]

I told my woman that KZbin is suggesting a lot of videos about narcissistic partners and, although I never associated her with it in the past, this suggests that she may be one because I think the algorithm is usually scarily accurate. She told me that she has been getting videos about narcissistic mates alot too so then of course thats impossible so I immediately identified it as a cultural phenomen of the times. Akin to the psychopath wave, the strange fascination with zombie apoclyoses and ADHD of a decade+ ago.

[@AmariaZu]

Well yes. This confirms that at the very least my mother has NPD. If she doesn't, she's possibly a psychopath. I've spent 35 years trying to figure out if I'm delusional, if my memory is faulty, only for every adult around me to be genuinely concerned for my mental health, my daughter's physical and mental health and absolutely intolerant to my mother's presence. They all described her as Hyacinth Bucket with a whipping arm, on drugs. My husband's mother is the last straw, she clocked that over the years she's noted I refused to leave her with my mother, but it wasn't malicious avoidance on my end. When I introduced them I immediately removed myself as a connector and REFUSED to be around them as the common person. Then my mother started bad talking me, and my husband- who intentionally has NEVER been around my mother enough to offend her. I'm so accustomed to her doing it to me that I didn't react. It was being told she did it to my husband, to HIS mother who is super gentle and worldly, and a lovely human being in general, that's what made me start to examine the likelyhood of her having a severely disordered view of the world. I just found out she's just started hoovering behavior with ppl she assumes aren't super close to us after cutting them off because she assumed I spoke with them over the last horrific episode of her misbehavior (the things she's accused me and my husband of are severe enough that in any other country they would have triggered immediate intervention by authorities) which caused me to attempt to set a firm boundary only for her to drive off, telling me that she's going to just stay away because she doesn't understand why I hate her so much. She tried to rope my MIL in within minutes, claiming I'd screamed and cursed her out but she doesn't know why because she hasn't done anything to me, but she apologizes in case she's done anything to my MIL that's offensive. I had the sense to record the conversation because whenever I speak with her I'm accused of screaming and cursing so I simply haven't had a conversation with my mother by myself, without recording it, including both on phone and in person, since 2016. My therapist was concerned because it's a paranoid habit now, I literally will not answer the call unless I have a witness present or some way to record it. In person I kept my airpods in so I can record without it looking like that's what I was doing. 35 years. I've known my husband and his mom for the greater part of 15 years. My mil knew my mother for 2 weeks? In 2 weeks my mil was the one who stood up and said "nah, not her, she's got a family behind her so please stop this." Only for me to find out my childhood best friend, who is my daughter's godmother has spent 12 years- my daughter's age- literally interrupting my mother to keep her out of my life without saying a word to me. My mother befriended her and told her how awful a human being I am, warning her that she doesn't know the real me. Only my mother knows the real me and can warn the ppl who have been my safety and peace since I was a child straight through my 30s. My mother who put me out at 18 and I REFUSED to spend more than a week around her at any time since then. My best friend has been firmly telling her to leave me alone and I can track every time she and my mother had a bad argument by how quickly my mother popped up on my doorstep testing the water to see if my best friend and I spoke, but my friend had never told me because according to her, it wasn't my business, my business was all the personal development she could see results on and hearing about my mother's mess would have only served to distract me. So yeah, according to your criteria and several others including my own therapist, though I cannot diagnose my mother, it's highly unlikely that she's just a worrisome individual. She's off every chart in regards to NPD. I want no apology. I want to acknowledgement from her. I want me and my family to continue to be left alone, which gonna be interesting because my daughter just did extremely well on a placement exam and I made her results public, and immediately my mother popped up trying to get ppl to respond to her. The last family meeting, everyone agreed, if they engage her, both me and my daughter are off the table as subjects of discussion. They will immediately and harshly end the conversation. My own boundary is pretty simple. I'm keeping the energy she put out when she pulled off from my house: "I'm done with this."