The Mind Of A Covert Narcissist | What To Look For

[@rbryanhull]

When the covert narcissist gets caught cheating on you, they'll never be able to trust you again.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

lol. yes, funny if it wasn't so true and so painful...

[@TruckerBLW]

@@BarbaraHeffernanexactly what happened to me. Obsessed with the idea of me cheating whilst the whole time engineering situations to enable her cheating on me. Wow.

[@daviedood2503]

​@@TruckerBLWthey accuse u of what they do. They tell on themselves all the time. Once they accuse u, that tells u they did something. It's a guilty conscience. They go and do it then accuse u in hopes u actually did so they don't have to feel bad or shameful.

[@DonnaPiaVocci]

well said.

[@Portia620]

@@TruckerBLWyea!! They project so what they say others do is what they do!!!!

[@jodilynn2017]

It is truly disturbing how charming and humble they seem at first. They really sell it. And when your an empathic person you don’t expect someone to not be genuine. At 45 and after many unfortunate encounters with Narcissists I can see them sooner now, but still get fooled at first. It’s crazy.

[@ThreetwoOne-wu7ye]

I hate fake people as an NPD. fI identify them miles away and only get near to see if I can find sometihing human in them. It's a mistake.

[@watermccn]

i really get how you feel in this one. crazy we still get fooled. such a blindspot. that takes massive amount of work to work on in order to make it just a bit smaller. and then sometimes I still wonder; maybe I am the narcisisst; why would then each of them give me the feeling I am not worthy?

[@Candee-h2d]

I've learned that it's not us, because we actually ask ourselves, could it be me that is the narcissist. When the true narcissist would never in a million years consider, that they're the wolf in sheep's clothing.

[@MikaelaP.]

They want to be liked/accepted by impressing They have a deep seated desire to be safe and looked after and they want to be in control when things seem to be working out. But they are lacking maturity, real understanding/ compation and are not being able to keep up or finishing things or continue sustaining good causes unless they are on a vengeance spree And forgiveness is not their capacity at all. Punishment and vengeance is And self-catering/ centering is Also being conartists as well and they can't hide it for too long They also like speaking ill behind everybody's back! Absolutely everybody's no exception!!! And pulling victims card all the time but never admitting who they victimised And yes the toucher has to be only one to one so no witnesses and if they are any they will make a scene that the victim is victimising them or smudge it somehow..with professional help like Barbara's here some of them can get better and manage to have meaningful and somewhat happy relationships as many people are kind and compationate and will be willing to understand,love and support so it's not that bad. Hopefully!!!

[@TheDutchOracle]

The lack of true empathy is a dead giveaway. How they behave when you're sick or vulnerable 🤮

[@carparthero]

8 signs of the covert narcissist 1-they appear fragile and charming 2-they give backhanded compliments 3-their public image is different than their private image 4-they're hyper jealous of other people 5-they tend to sabotage other people's relationships, especially at work 6-often expect others to care for them emotionally and solve their problems 7-passive aggressive communication 8-fake empathy cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁

[@Goldensunrise-8]

💯

[@Tainathea]

Omg! The dog part! I haven’t heard anyone talk about this and it’s so true!

[@CalixLuv]

​@@Tainathea What dog part?

[@Tainathea]

@@CalixLuv they love their dog more than their partner.

[@bolandbert]

So true. Now I see; 🗝️ they FAKE empathy. They dont have - but its hard to believe it; so you don’t WANT to believe or see it 🤪

[@Kimrue2]

The lying about you behind your back to sabotage you is so accurate. It was the biggest sign to me.

[@mochachaiguy]

I overheard some of that yesterday. My girlfriend recently cracked her pelvis. Requiring around the clock support. I work from home, and trying to do me a favor, is looking at hiring dog walkers without asking me whether that service is what would make the biggest difference, and enable me to get my work done while I work from home. Walking the dog for 10 or 15 minutes, gives me an opportunity to stretch my legs. She found somebody who walked the dog a few times and then asked her why I “didn’t get off my ass and support her more?!?” For some reason she shared that comment with me, and my thought was, “how did he get that impression?” I’m being attentive all day long, moving her around the apartment keeping her fed helping her change her clothes to the point where I have to work from 10 PM to 3 AM to get my work done every day, and some random guy is saying that I need to get off my ass and do more?? Grrr

[@TheRescueDog]

​@@mochachaiguy I'm so sorry. May I ask what kind of work you do from home? 10pm - 3am sounds pretty cool 😎

[@mochachaiguy]

@@TheRescueDog Thanks for the support. I do sound design for film and TV. Our 2nd bedroom is set up as a tiny editing suite. I'd rather NOT have to be up all day and also pull a second graveyard shift, but at least the interruptions at that time are solely of my own making 👍🏽

[@speteydog2260]

This was my mother. She scares the sh$& out of me. She used to talk to me about all our neighbors in a mean way. I had 4 brothers and she hated all our friends. So we never had any. She is really a nightmare, to this present day, a nightmare.

[@watchin_kc]

Yep I could always feel it too in her coworkers that we would hang around with socially... I could tell when the well had been poisoned I know what or how but I knew it had happened...

[@eenergabeener]

A covert narcissist has a great amount of inner rage. If they get triggered they will scream and yell. Even though they are normally very quiet in a calculated kind of way.

[@anndillard8681]

Truth... they appear sweet insecure mouse like.. then wham.. you realize they are self-serving insecure angry vampires.. and yes, they give back handed compliments..

[@carefulcarpenter]

The behavior will reveal itself in hindsight. Narcissists are not sincerely curious to challenge their own established beliefs.

[@imjoeimjoe]

Therefore if they yell, they are AUTOMATICALLY a narcissist right ? I must be one just for suggesting they might not be am I right ?

[@imjoeimjoe]

@@anndillard8681 WHO is "they" ?

[@anndillard8681]

@@imjoeimjoe narcissists.. of course.

[@mammi3577]

Covert narcissists make you question your own reality. You feel like you are betrayed after realizing all the subtle abuse 😢

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Absolutely. Wishing you health and healing.

[@marywhaley4675]

Right on. So much truth in just a few words. I feel your pain. Best wishes.

[@jeanneeber]

You are being betrayed.

[@lorimiller4301]

If a person doesn't love themselves, how can they love you ? They can't do one without the other. If a person can't really care about themselves, they can't care for you either.

[@janetpattison8474]

Exactly! If we can’t go “no contact” Keep good notes on any interaction w/ narcs. They are devious, sneaky, liars & manipulative while pretending to love U, or care, and they are all angels in their own eyes. They live to suck u in, so they can continue their attacks.

[@pky844]

I am/was a covert narcissist from a highly traumatised family. Its taken me over thirteen years of therapy and group work to first see and understand my own narcissism and then begin to heal the underlying trama. I can now see the how narcissistic behaviour patterns can be passed down generations as an extreme self defensive mechanisms in unsafe family environments. Without question, do not stay in any personal or professional relationship that is doing you harm. Sometimes it means cutting ties, at others setting pretty extreme boundaries (eg. minimal contact). But for those of us that as children needed to employ narcissist behaviour patterns to survive unsafe and toxic environments, healing is a real possibility with the right support and therapy.

[@Flutometer]

Congratulations on all of the work you’ve done. Out of curiosity, was there an event that finally made you see that you had these behaviors? Getting a narcissist to see it is notoriously difficult and most won’t get treatment since they don’t think anything is wrong.

[@skibunny2257]

You will always have to stay in therapy I'm glad you have recognized it but you know it can't be cured. You can't say was a narcissist. You will always be one. Therapy is for life.

[@shea5542]

That is AMAZING!! Good for you!!! That takes so much strength and self-discipline and introspection for you to recognize and overcome that, and for that you are such a strong and remarkable person. I want you to know that it means you are an especially good person for the fact that you were able to recognize that and be so honest with yourself and others and work through it. Not many people have the strength that you have so congrats! Blessings to you

[@sharingyourexperiences5305]

@@skibunny2257what a foolish statement. Psychology is a pseudo science … it can be beneficial but it has its limits. Look into the marketing of madness.

[@brothbjibbajab6217]

@@skibunny2257 citation needed. I refuse to believe this cannot be cured. Don't take the behavior of people who refuse to better themselves as proof people who are trying to better cannot succeed.

[@yaya-nw4ic]

Does anyone feel that covert narcissists are incredibly good at playing the victim? The slightest, most trivial mistake you make, and you are nothing better than the worst villain in their world, and you are in debt to them forever, and they won't accept anything less than your most sincere expression of guilt, better if you are to give up everything you have for redemption - But you mustn't make them look bad in the process. If you suffer you must make it look like that you deserve it, so that they are the only ones who look like the victim.

[@Latina8301]

This is my mom 100%. Well said!

[@lynnrushton7458]

Absolutely!!

[@E4439Qv5]

It's what I got from my mom, and what I'm *trying* not to mirror...

[@stronger3381]

Spot on man. Shit is so conditional it screams fake.. these people really don't have capacity to truly love...

[@Goldensunrise-8]

💯

[@LanaMcAra]

I was married to a covert narcissist for 30 years, then attracted boyfriend after boyfriend with the same traits. Finally, I stopped looking at them and started watching out for how they make me feel. If someone causes me to second-guess myself, I'm out. If they have a different persona in private, I'm out. Thank you for this. Spot on!

[@annemccarron2281]

I've atyracted them all my life as well. I still do, although divorced 40 years & havent dated on 20. Narcs actually seek out people like you & me - giving, empathetic, kind, soft spoken, harwoeking, etc.

[@phill2586]

@@annemccarron2281 damn are you in your 70s?

[@FredBushjr]

I married a covert narcissistic female 28 years before social media and internet Information Age she divorced me fast forward 28 years later to 2023 block and delete rinse and repeat Very miserable people.

[@FredBushjr]

Thankfully she divorced me still dwelling in Wilderness then with a contentious NPD female.

[@redefinedliving5974]

@@annemccarron2281 lise leblanc termed it as PHIL- protector hero integrity i forgot the L maybe loving

[@mljtrclark]

Great job explaining this topic. Married to one for 23 yrs with 3 kids. She destroyed everyone in her path. Divorced now for 6 yrs and she is still a problem. Kids and I have nothing to do with her but her manipulation knows no bounds. She is a PhD Marriage & Family Counselor and a College Professor. Dangerous!

[@CynthiaAva]

My narc ex is with a psychologist now- who happens to sound like a covert narc. Go figure!

[@nevadadan4113]

Best of luck, my friend!!

[@deehyatt5173]

They seem to find a way to get in positions to continue to harm people or relish in their pain .. so incredible scary and sad. 😢 I’m glad you are free.

[@mariahconklin4150]

Most of them are in professions like that I know a psychiatrist that is possibly a narcissist and she diagnosed me with scizophective disorder cause that’s what she specializes in and I found out from reviews that she gave someone a bs diagnosis and turns out the lady had a tumor. lol! Lots of people in high power or authority figures are narcissistic

[@Planetgreen365]

​@@CynthiaAvaI was friends with someone whom I almost started falling for but then I realized something was off. She is an addiction counselor and spending some time with her I realized she is a complete covert narc.

[@thetranspersonalalchemist]

Oh gosh it’s the fake empathy for me. You can really feel it when someone is pretending to care and it’s so unsettling.

[@ben5966]

Yes, it really messes with your psyche

[@RisingPhoenix-y2i]

I know right it gives me the chills and creeps me out whenever I realize somebody is faking it

[@yoeyyoey8937]

Yeah I met this guy at a party and he was creepily interested in “getting to know me” cause I suggested that I recently left a relationship or something so they wanted to “counsel me”, ofc they didn’t say any of these things but just to explain their attitude. I felt weird that they were pushing on a soft spot even though they were trying to “help me”. Saw the same person a year later and they didn’t even remember who I was at all lol and it all hit me then

[@hellawitzgerald7530]

​@@yoeyyoey8937That man just wanted to know your "psychological passcodes" as Dr. Ramani calls it..aka your vulnerable points so that they know how to trigger and manipulate you. You dodged a bullet.

[@helenahandkart1857]

Yes! We call a mate's covert narc ex-wife "St ' _ _ _ _ ' of the oppressed" 😅

[@JohnSmith-lk8cy]

The passive aggressive behaviour was the destroyer of the relationship. Smirking, sneering, , sniggering, sighing, raising eyes at me. ALL the time. Drove me wild.

[@j012cl4n]

Oh man, I dealt with a lot of this myself

[@PARRISPHIFER]

Going through this now unfortunately

[@fr33bird.33]

Same!!!!

[@petemoore8923]

@@PARRISPHIFER Me too.

[@petemoore8923]

@@JohnSmith-lk8cy I like to think I’m an intelligent person but I never caught on to the behavior until after the fact when a friend said it sounds like she’s a narcissist. I dug deep and was able to grasp the behaviors but good examples were lacking. I watched several videos and the hair stood up on the back of my neck. She discarded me. It happened quickly. Like too quickly. Her behavior was very unusual and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I’m honestly embarrassed that I got duped for 16 years.

[@beasaroseco5840]

I hate the annoying meaningless competitive behavior.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Agreed

[@TallKulWmn1]

Even a simple conversation becomes a competition of better word choices. Divan becomes couch. Next time I use Couch, he corrects me with divan. It’s an ongoing competition to prove he’s smarter. It is exhausting. Usually we never get anywhere near the point of why we’re discussing ‘one of the thing we sit on’ located in our OMG Front room? Living room? Parlor? 🤦‍♀️

[@Lyrielonwind]

​@@TallKulWmn1 I have noticed that if I say a bad word (those that comes first to saying "excuse my French") a narcissist will shame me immediately (they probably use those words and spill them like a fountain ⛲ but they can while you can't). That's a great red flag for me. It's just an example; they will shame you for literally anything.

[@discopotato675]

Yes... My ex always had to remind me that she made more per hour than I did, but i always brought home more... Every paycheck...I stopped explaining to her that I am on Salary not hourly after a while.... One time (toward the end when I had had enough) I just gave her a tiny little golf clap when she said it, and said, "congratulations." I WANTED to add in badly... "so do you need help with your car payment again?"... But, I refrained.

[@hyppiechyck2402]

Me too!

[@Loser_Lisa]

OMG. The pet-lover trait being a running theme w/certain narcissist types was eye opening for me. EX. Someone who "takes" in animals, preaches about their selfless-ness, knows "everything" about veterinarian-work (b/c a family member worked at a vet 🤷‍♀) YET behind closed doors allow the "saved" pets to live in pain w/rotting teeth, potty in the house, and complain about them. Apparently, I needed to vent. Thanks lol

[@drlarrymitchell]

Can confirm. The one I married was a regular Doctor Doolitttle, and she couldn't even be bothered to care for them, once they weren't shiny and new anymore.

[@ross3626]

I can confirm as well!!!!! I noticed this with my first narc relationship, and my second narc relationship. When I saw the parallels, my mind was BLOWN!!

[@Snezanah]

A lot of people with animals who pull the dogs....or say they have 20 years experience or they say they are dog trainers, than I believe I know enough. First both things: nobody need to pull a rope when it's around the dog and the dog and dogs don't need a trainer, but people do! The manner how those people react even when you are very friendly and they get not nice AND you FEEL a wall, then they are absolutely not nice to the dogs, only you need to watch...that mean: to THINK for what you look at that mean: to ask questions for yourself..than you know they not treat the dogs right and if they pull hard or kick or scream to the dogs when they are outside, than those people are kind of crazy not countious, of where they are or they just don't care so in the house is maybe the all day cruel, terrible for the dogs because the people want their way immidiately and have no love at all.They not look at what the dogs need and to give that to the dogs.

[@Lyrielonwind]

Yes, they are animal experts while they use electric dog collars.

[@nancyf2665]

My ex never liked the dog we had, I took her when I left after 27 years

[@nernatbentley3778]

Describing the ‘Covert Narcissist’ as a “Snake in the Grass” is an understatement!!!

[@margaretboehm4485]

That's because they are 😈

[@marshallsmith1366]

They are Reptiles

[@JH-td4mn]

More like a crocodile 🐊

[@Padraigp]

More like a fluke worm that latches on to ur lover and sucks the life out of u.

[@Padraigp]

More like a fluke worm that latches on to ur lover and sucks the life out of u.

[@vinozarazzi5633]

"Behind your back..." - it is a key concept for the covert narcissist

[@dawnpropp9038]

They are good at stabing you in the back!!! I am a survivor of their abusive behavior and they did not destroy me! I have seen their masks fall, and it is pure evil. Walking away from them was easy but leaving my empathetic mother was hard.

[@speaktruth9313]

3 counselors told me my sister is a covert narcissist..a red flag was her response to my request for some help with our aging mother ,she said she couldn’t help and that I was making her feel bad to ask….( she is quite wealthy, can easily fly anywhere anytime ,and does not work but has no time to help) .

[@alexandralibin5131]

A 'Covert Passive Agressive' does not do their own dirty work. They manipulate 'Others' into doing their dirty work. It is great that a video like this is available to help people.

[@janecoe9407]

YES THEY DO.

[@whiteraven69]

Yes, I have a CovNarc who is using her 5 yr.old daughter and her new supply psychopath boyfriend to attack me bc I have been supporting the biofather , who lives in a cabin on our farm to get visitation and custody. In her very sick mind, she has upped the anty repeating the same SA allegations , ( did the same exact accusation 4 yrs ago w/other friend of father ) now we are 4 and 5 , against me and my husband stating dad knew and did nothing . This is an extreme measure to pursue serious criminal charges , by her malacious fabrication. This has shown me she will stop at nothing for the power and control and is a dangerous individual capable of anything to keep the upper hand.

[@sandrastevens4418]

That is what my father did, he was the nice guy and made my mother the punisher. This greatly affected my relationship with my mom, he also made my sister the golden child so I don't have a relationship with her because of lies my father would tell her about me. He has been dead since 2020. I am 58, and I am still dealing with the mental abuse he put me through.

[@kellybarton929]

Been at the receiving end of that. Cut them off.

[@ThreetwoOne-wu7ye]

Put then it is not NPD - Manipulation is not our thing . We are not cunning but we suck as partners.

[@thegridrunner9976]

26 years with a CoNarc wife. 1. Emotionally intense in the beginning and intermittently throughout 2. Extremely needy 3. Entitled to all my time 4. Never expressed regret for wrongs she had done to me 5. Blamed all of her shortcomings on others, mostly me 6. Never tried to improve herself 7. Self-deprecation was always just fishing for compliments 8. Appeared kind but socially awkward in public but insulted everyone she encountered in private 9. Rages accompanied by intense cruelty, insults and alternative accounts of how things happened 10. Everything she did was because someone else (typically me) put her in a situation to have to. This is reversing victim and offender. I've been out of the relationship since the end of April and I am still trying to remember how events really happened vs how she perceived them. I did everything I could for her and all she did was mock and ridicule me. I wasted so many years blaming myself for failing her when it was not humanly possible to please her. She never wanted to succeed because victimhood required no effort. She just needed me to be responsible for why she never had what she deserved.

[@y04a]

I'm sorry you went through so many years with her. I recognize this type of behaviour from my mom growing up, and even became scared that this is who I would be too. The reality is that I became attracted to someone who had these traits, and I did have some myself, and really messed my mind up. I know I have done wrongs in my life and work to fix them and not blame others, but man is it a trip to live with people who don't do that and even try and convince you that you're the one in the wrong constantly. Trusting my own reaity and that I'm not trash has taken a long time and I'm still working on it. Hope you are recovering and finding good people to trust.

[@thegridrunner9976]

@y04a I'm better now after committing to walking away. At some point I'd like to see my kids again and help them understand what happened. As of now, she has them convinced I'm not providing for them and that I abandoned them, so they don't want to see me. Common tactic: I'm not providing for them but I'm paying all the bills and we still have a joint account. I abandoned them but she kicked me out and won't let me see them.

[@coinspeednews4703]

Great list, can confirm everything you've written happened in my story as well. I'm still on the fence about how much of this meticulous and long term undermining and destruction of another person is deliberate or just "instinctive".

[@thegridrunner9976]

@coinspeednews4703 I told my wife during one of our last fights that I knew what she was doing and my only hope was that she didn't realize she was doing it. I'm torn too. I don't want to believe that the person I loved and have been married to for over 2 decades could be that malicious. Yet, everything she's done since I figured her out has been calculated and fits all the models of how I expected her to behave. I'm not so certain anymore. It was always just easier to put it on me than to own anything. It seems second nature to them.

[@coinspeednews4703]

@@thegridrunner9976 There a quite a few fundamental concepts that they just can't comprehend. Things like love, respect, trust, equality (in terms of a relationship). Even though they can mimic these masterfully in the beginning. Otoh they think in terms of extremes, like allies and enemies, full compliance, etc. And once you deviate from the fantasy they have in their head about you, they treat that as absolute betrayal and you become a bad object, worthy of punishment and eventual destruction. My ex knew that something was wrong with her, but facing it caused such an intense feeling of shame, that "healing" was not an option. Instead she chose to destroy everything around her. Come to think of it, this was a choice.

[@HEllis-qu5nn]

Everybody loves my dad...soooo sweet, generous and kind. Always somehow suffers misfortune! People always betray him. But no one ever puts it together. My father is a covert narc. No one would ever ever believe me. He has done an excellent job of being the victim and i am a horrible person.

[@Jesusandcoffee3382]

That describes my ex husband to a T. His parents think he’s so unfortunate to find all these women that hurt him so bad and leave. Little do they know their son is the abuser and he drives the women away. They wouldn’t believe me if I tried to tell them.

[@julest5767]

good thing you know!! Good luck in your journey. My father was also admired publicly but severely lacking at home.

[@Almgandin]

Narcs are 0,4% of population. And even than its just a vague concept. So if not even diagnosed, its highly doubtable

[@emilygooner9697]

Meet my mum and I 😂 same thing

[@mikediamond353]

NPD exists on a spectrum. Everyone acts narcissistic once in a while, but They suffer from the disorder All of the time. They can't help it. It's a brain mis-wiring

[@patmills8395]

When confronted with their lies they become like a wild animal And physically attack you

[@jeanpaulfelix4095]

The truth and their narrative creative a crisis within. My sister was convinced she had started a million dollar company ( my mother actually did ). when confronted about the fact that she was 12 when the company formed, she went crazy, yelling and screaming for hours. Like a banshee. It was wild and scary. Within a year of " working" at this company it went out of business, after thriving for 3 decades . they are completely and utterly delusional.

[@julieibbotson6193]

@@jeanpaulfelix4095 Absolutely. They won’t be moved from their narrative, even if it’s bonkers.

[@julieibbotson6193]

We have to have email contact with a covert. When they deny something or lie, which is frequently in my experience, I just email them back proof, ie forward them their own email where they are contradicting themselves. We have kept them all for evidence if ever needed, you never know. When they see their own lies or vindictive words back at them in black and white, it does not go down well. It is like they have seen themselves in the mirror for the first time. Ironically, at this point they usually tell us not to contact them again! The best thing for me is that I don’t even have to say anything. They thrive on drama and attention.

[@alexjimenez8088]

Or talk over you and shut down.

oh we know we KNOW!

[@dolittle6781]

Exactly! When I told an acquaintance about the narcissistic abuse I had been subjected to, they pretty much blew it off-saying that I was simply dealing with a “high maintenance” person. Most outsiders have no clue about narcissistic abuse. Basically, I no longer share my experiences with anyone and instead focus on distancing myself from the narcissist in my life.

[@getllonglegs]

People just don't understand the depths. They never will if it's not happening to them.

[@dolittle6781]

@@getllonglegs So true!

[@beaglerescue5281]

Narcissism is epidemic and I know some who are suffering from it, yet when I share videos with them about narcissism they don’t take it seriously. Every person on the planet needs to educate themselves because they are everywhere.

[@dolittle6781]

@@beaglerescue5281 It definitely is an epidemic. Not much we can do about them. We can only educate ourselves on how to cope and ideally cut them completely out of our lives, ASAP. And never stop learning about their disorder because they never stop being narcissistic. A ton of self care is always a good idea.

[@synthiamcbride7194]

I daresay that, in most cases, "high maintenance" is code for narcissism.

[@michelleriggs5435]

Wow! My mom! I grew up with the idea that other people are never to be trusted. I don't expect anything from anyone so I don't get disappointed. She did a real good job making us kids think it was always our dad. After he passed a few years ago, my sister and I realized we couldn't stand to be around our mom and didn't understand why. We did some thinking and talking, then I came across some information on this subject and had to share it with my sister. It blew our minds that we made it to middle age before finally understanding what was actually going on, that it was our mom and not us. I can't express how liberating and healing it has been to figure it out. To this day I can only handle being around her for short periods of time.

[@Sol36900]

We must share the same mom because she also installed in my sisters and I that we couldn't rely anyone but each other*. Even at the company we work at she warned me to be on guard because she supposedly didn't want me to get backstabbed. Yet she talks to everyone, even opening up to a quite a few people.

[@amandaluxmoore4228]

Similar story. I’ve gone no contact recently as nothing else was working and am too old for the drama. I’m sure there will be more drama eventually but for now I just can’t. Wishing you strength ❤️

[@michelleriggs5435]

@@amandaluxmoore4228 Thank you so much! I wish you well and lots of healing too!!!

[@amandaluxmoore4228]

@@michelleriggs5435 bless

[@embrassersonombre]

yeah we're sisters. congratulations on staying non-emotional w the mother. It's kinda like enjoying a chocolate cake but knowing the chocolate is bad for us. It's so unfair. But yeah, better be safe.

[@rb5078]

My mom is a covert narcissist. Her love of animals is very performative. From the outside she appears to take great care of her pets but in reality she’s extremely neglectful and yells at them constantly. Which is exactly how she treated me. Everyone thought I was well cared for but I was extremely neglected and constantly yelled out. And of course everything was my fault as a child just as she blames her pets for their bad behaviors instead of training them or recognizing their needs.

[@cynthiawhite1122]

So hard for you to watch this...animals , how sick. They are helpless beings who just want your affection.

[@cindysmith1700]

My mother left our little dachshunds in an above ground pool that was empty. It was sand on the bottom. Put them in there I. Florida in the summer with no water to drink. They died. I was 6 years old. She also let my cat out in a storm. The cat never came back. My best friend from high school new there was something wrong with my mother

[@traylorillo]

I used to say my mom loved her dogs better than us but she never put the leg work into training them. She loved that the dogs gave her undying affection. Yet she screams at them when they don’t obey her and show normal dog behavior (like humping each other and sniffing private parts). She told me time and again as a teen that I was a lovely, obedient child until I turned 12 and “got a mind of my own.” 😅

[@AfterMourning]

Feel the same exact way!! Same exact situation

[@kellykajander3115]

yup...ive seen same...narc wants 2 only punish but not spend the time 2 properly train...stupid NARC IS clueless about how any 1 ELSE feels...including their more vulnerable victims/innocent little pet sweethearts deserve our all...they don't deserve punishment they deserve attention & training with patience...they R totally DEPENDANT on us and give us unconditional LOVE.

[@DanielWilder-mq7nc]

It took me 14 years to catch my narcissistic wife. Of course, I didn’t know she was a narcissist back then. I didn’t even know what narcissism was. A part of me always knew that she wasn’t faithful to me. It was just that whenever I voiced my concerns or asked for some reassurance, there was hell to pay. She put me through a mental gauntlet of feigned outrage, moral indignation, gaslighting, and flipping reality on its head in order to make me the bad guy. She repeatedly set what little progress I had made in trying to have a good relationship with her, back to square one. She exploited my deepest desires-to have a good marriage and to keep our family together, by always keeping one foot out the door and threatening to leave. So, I learned to carefully pick my battles…. and worse. I learned to put the blinders on and to pretend that she wasn’t up to no good. I also learned to convince myself that I was the problem. And then one day, while she was at work, I decided to clean out the car. She had a nasty habit of treating the backseat like a dumpster. As I stuffed empty wrappers, bottles, and cups into a trash bag, I found an envelope with her name on it. Thinking it might be important, I decided to look at its contents before I threw it away. It was a letter from some guy who was clearly in love with her. He expressed how he wanted more from her than their secret rendezvous. There was no mistaking what he meant. Even though my heart was crushed, I regained my power in the very next moment. I drove to where she worked, and I angrily approached her. Her eyes fell on the letter in my hand, and her shoulders slumped in silent defeat. She quietly said, “I can’t talk right now, but I’ll be home in an hour.” “Good!” I replied. “I’ll be waiting!” Then I turned on my heel and stormed out the door. Now that the cat was out of the bag, she admitted the entire affair-including all the places where they would meet up. As difficult as that was to hear, I stood by, ready to forgive her. I was well-practiced in starting over from square one, and I eagerly waited for the opportunity to roll up my sleeves and to get to work. But she played the wounded victim as convincingly as Amber Heard, and she asked me to wait for two days while she decided what she should do. Of course, I said yes. Even though I had been married to her for 14 years, I still had no idea what I was dealing with. In the midst of that painful discussion, she was plotting her next move. It turned out that she needed two days to think because that’s when her boyfriend would return from his business trip. She wanted to be in a relationship with him, but when he refused to leave his wife for her, she decided to stay married to me. Of course, I didn’t know any of this at the time. I only knew that after two days, she decided to stay. Being the eternal optimist that I am, I saw this as an opportunity for a brand new start, and I convinced myself that we were finally going to have a good marriage. But she didn’t share my optimism, and it was obvious that her heart wasn’t in her decision to stay. We suffered together for another 2 weeks when she blamed me for her affair. That’s when I finally threw in the towel. We divorced on friendly terms, and we made all our own arrangements for custody and child support. We only needed a lawyer to draft and file the appropriate documents. The laws have changed since those days, and you can’t do that kind of stuff anymore. Anyway, during our many conversations to dissolve our marriage, she admitted lots of things that I didn’t know about-including the fact that she was never faithful to me. If I had understood narcissism back then, I would have handled things differently. I wouldn’t have put up with her mental abuse, and I would have left her years earlier. Additionally, If you suspect cheating or other forms of manipulation and need to gather evidence for your own peace of mind, you may consider reaching out for assistance. For more information, you can contact: MetaspyHub@gmail. com.

[@bustanigarden9115]

Sounds familiar 😅

[@bustanigarden9115]

Thanks for this.

[@Jesusandcoffee3382]

I was married to a covert narc for 14 years. It took me 13 to figure out. He did so much more mental damage than my previous husband who is a regular narcissist. 28 years spent with these crazy people. Then I figure out my mom is one too. I guess she set me up to think the craziness was normal. I’m running away from anyone with these traits.

[@CharMinsky]

I was programmed by mom. At thirty three years with husband who is covert, I’m very angry. God really supports me, since I feel like garbage. And I feel tricked.

[@janetpattison8474]

Ditto…. Different players, but same game…. I’ve attracted narcs my entire life, & it took me a long time to figure out.

[@jelkel25]

It's a horrible almost loss of the final part of your innocence when you realise their level of existence is a thing, it crushed me at the time and I took it out on the messenger, this is not an uncommon response and has happened to me since until I learned to point the victim in the right direction but not lay the whole situation on the table. Outside of the usual porous boundaries thing children of Coverts develop work arounds as a survival strategy and a Narcissist finds these delicious. I would say to all children of Coverts, look for these work arounds, your almost instinct to be agreeable may be the signal these people latch on to. Say No, don't explain yourself and validate your feelings and expressions of them, if they are being petty and tedious show it, don't slap on a fake smile and massage the bottomless pit of an ego.

[@harleyanne3720]

My experience too. Now I’m my seventh decade I’m happy to be rid of theses toxic people. I’m very distrustful of friendships too since being treated badly and accepting it.

[@kateramsay3871]

I was with my X for 25yrs before I finally had enough. When I asked him to leave he told our sons, “Your mum deserves someone better than me!!” I thought I had married someone like my dad, because that was what my mum led us to believe, but in actual fact I had married someone just like her. When I eventually decided to sell the family home, due to burgeoning debt, I asked mum if she wanted me to move closer to her and my dad but she said to move where I wanted to. I settled on moving to the far north of Scotland as I could afford to buy a house outright up there. She then turned to my younger brother and complained that I wasn’t moving close to her. So he then challenged me on my decision and I told him she didn’t want me there. When he relayed this to her she denied having ever said that!! I therefore changed my plans and have regretted it ever since. My dad passed away 6months later and I have felt shackled to her ever since. If I ask my brothers for help I just get crickets. I wish I could move away but the money I had from the sale of my home has long since gone on rent. She’s 90 this year and I know I’d be racked with guilt if I move now and something were to happen to her.

[@skibunny2257]

I dated someone I believe was a covert narcissist. Had all the traits. Silent treatment, deflection, passive aggressive behavior, little insults, no empathy. I only discovered this by watching videos on narcissism. Everyone else thought he was such a great guy but they didn't see the way he treated me and you are right about their behavior in a setting with other people. He always treated me great in front of others but it was a different story when we got home. He initially presented as quiet and shy and a so called nice guy.....not.

[@lukesruben]

sounds familiar, I've been through the exact same thing.. indescribable

[@DonnaMccall-qc7oi]

Am in it now

[@fainitesbarley2245]

So true

[@dellchica2373]

Think we had the same husband. Shy n saintly ouside, mean n nasty, inside

[@iharlin]

Exactly relate to my story with my bf

[@marylouleeman591]

God bless you. My Mom demolished me. Hated my success. After six decades of recovery work, I am hitting gold (face the reality - it really did happen. My own mother who was supposed to support and help and teach me, leaving me strong and intact, not feeling beaten down and worthless and hopeless). I had no idea as a child. My precious KZbinrs have helped a lot!!!

[@TheAgentAssassin]

Anytime I would show any happiness, My mom ask me if I was on drugs. Then I would get sad again. And no I wasn't on anything. They can't stand when you have any type of success, no person, no friend you ever meet is good enough for them. Everyone has flaws and she looks for them and complains about them.

[@melikgibsson5539]

be strong and happy; you are the best - always remember; my mother was evil ...

[@randomfornow]

😭😭

[@willisknapick4405]

I hear you. My childish mother was jealous of me from the time I was a child. She could hide it at times but other times her jealousy came out spontaneously. Creepy little girl. 😮

[@alexperkins8433]

same the competitiveness was so toxic glad i nc'd the lunatic

[@mtheinvincible4156]

Thanks so much for this. I'm a mature male and I grew up with a mother that I now realize was almost certainly a covert narcissist mom. What you have said here at 10:22 gobsmacked me particularly hard, and is so relatable. Since that's how my parent always behaved, I thought everybody made stuff up out of whole cloth about their "accomplishments" that were actually completely untrue in any way--and that most every adult was probably " false" , emotionally. That behavior got normalized for me to be around and see. Entirely sad. My covert mom also had the victim/martyr image thing you mention down pat. I'm subscribing today. Thanks again.

[@D_e_n_i_s_e_B]

My mother and my only older sister are covert narcissists. They feed each other and they are accomplices. My mother's backhanded compliment to me: "Your hair is so beautiful! Why don't you wear it short (like hers)?" I lost the count how many times I've heard that. My mother is a victim/martyr too. She lost her father when she was 6 and they were very poor in Brazil. Probably it comes from that. Today she is a 84 year old widow and I live with her cause I am divorced and don't have kids. Actually, today she said that she thinks the elderly has to have a son/daughter living with them 24/24 (meaning I cannot have my own house till she dies). If I moved out I think she would "become sick" the next day cause illnesses has always been my mother's weapon of choice. I lost the count she became sick cause she wanted something from us. If I moved my sister would blame me for that (the same way she did when I moved out at 24), even though she lives in her own house with her husband. The worst part is that my sister knows all about the manipulation. We had an argument last year and my sister said "Oh, she is always sick". But she will take my mother's side when it suits her plans.

[@silaswalker2266]

They’re the type of person to start a fight and run away from it

[@melikgibsson5539]

yes

[@kenhart8771]

Or lashes out

[@clintonnagy1662]

Absolutely. They like to start stuff then play the victim when they get in trouble. "Everyone is picking on me... I did nothing wrong." All the while threatening to call the police...

[@clintonnagy1662]

​@@kenhart8771I lash out....yes, I'm guilty...but it's because of their insanity for lack of boundaries, gas lighting, blame shifting, Contradictions, hypocrisies and guilt trips. I was losing my mind. I can't maintain normal emotional control while being in the of insanity. It's nuts !!!!

[@theangel5416]

​@@clintonnagy1662But they want you to lash out. So they can point the finger at you and make accusations at you. You can't be around these people... If you think you might last out. You always need total emotional control. They want you to fall apart and explode so everyone can see your the problem, when really your the victim of their bullshit.

[@josiah5776]

This was 100% my mother. This comment in particular hit home: "You don't trust other people because you were raised by a person you couldn't trust." I took a Big 5 personality evaluation and scored zero on trust (part of the Agreeableness facet), which the person administering the eval said was the lowest he had ever seen. His comment, "Betrayal probably doesn't even hurt you anymore. You've come to expect it like the sun rising in the morning." Spot on.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

😢

[@hulamei3117]

Wow. Expected betrayal.

[@lemsip207]

I scored low on agreeableness too. I won't let these people walk over me. You need to test people to find out if they are narcissist early on rather than finding out months down the line. You can do that by disagreeing politely on something. I do it by choosing something different to drink or eat from them in the pub, cafe or restaurant.

[@lorimiller4301]

The Smiling No Test : Wait for them to ask you to go somewhere or do something and then you politely decline. You remain smiling but you don't offer any explanation. It's very good at making the truth come out. Don't laugh but don't be mean either. Just keep the conversation going like no, I can't see you Sunday but call me Monday and we'll see, kinda thing. Usually that's enough to trigger them. Just make sure you don't say sorry. You're not sorry. You don't offer any reason, it's just a no.

[@lemsip207]

@@lorimiller4301 it's a shame we have to test people by doing this when it's no biggie to go along with them. But when you do they move the goalposts and demand more. I have my own tests such as ordering something completely different from the menu in a pub or restaurant. They hate it when you refuse to mimic them. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in one of the more totalitarian Eastern European countries before the Iron curtain.came down worried that someone might betray you to the authorities. Because being with a narcissist can feel like being with a government informer at times.

[@CLooLoo]

Hearing the signs of a covert narcissist is a lightbulb moment! I had to quit a job I loved because of a bad supervisor who I now realise is a covert narcissist. She has so many of the traits listed here. Lack of empathy, dishonest, undermining, falsely self-deprecating and humble (but has an enormous underlying ego), micromanaging and so on. It was extremely stressful and started to negativity impact my health. I’m glad I got out of that toxic environment. My advice to anyone who encounters a covert narcissist is to run! You can’t win with people like that. They aren’t normal and it’s not worth your mental health.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Yes. Thank you for sharing as it will be helpful for others!

[@SouthCountyGal]

I see you had my former boss. She presented as charming and physically fragile. She was incredibly impressed with my journalism accomplishments and natural ability to write; used that as the basis for hiring me, then spent the next three months telling me I didn't understand how to turn an interview into an article and that my writing was sub-par. She would give me false deadlines further out than the real ones, then tear me down for missing the publication date. She'd give me half an hour to do two weeks of work, then tell me I should have started earlier. Anything that she was responsible for that didn't work out became my fault when she had to account for it with the CEO. She started demanding that I make a list every day to show her what I had actually done with my work hours. Mind you, I worked three hours a day, three days a week. That stupid list took up 1/6 of my productive time, and had the added benefit of making me feel like an idiot because the list never matched what she claimed she wanted me to work on (despite it being an account of what I had accomplished from the list she gave me when I arrived). This was a shared job, and I was constantly being unfavorably compared to the person who worked on my off days. We met years later and discovered our boss had been doing the same things to each of us. MWF I was garbage and she was amazing; TTh she was garbage and I walked on water! At the same time, this boss was bringing me ice cream after her lunch breaks, inquiring after my family's health, and asking me to tiptoe around a completely darkened office and take on extra duties because she had a migraine. When my seven year-old shattered her jaw in a bike accident and was in the hospital for six days, I took the week off. My boss accused me of not taking my job seriously. At the end of three months, I had a complete emotional breakdown and full-blown fibromyalgia -- and no job. I had excelled at every other job I'd had for 30 years, but this woman fired me for incompetence. I still believe it was because I had a friend in the CEO's office and had broken down to the point of sharing some stories about the monster I worked for. My friend never really believed me, having only seen the sweet side of the woman, but I know my boss felt I was endangering her carefully cultivated persona.

[@mellifergold]

​@@SouthCountyGal This boss sounds like Miranda Priestly from "The Devil wears Prada."..- and even you two girls working as her assistents going crazy trying to please her - just like the film/ book...

[@jillfoley6834]

I had to quit after 17 career I loved, but my manager was a nightmare to work for. Same as what you went through and worse!!! I too got really sick! Just leave if you meet one!

[@jhavajoe3792]

@@SouthCountyGal Covert Narc of the 1st degree. Used you to sharpen her sadistic skills. Glad you got out and you just prolonged your life for an extra 20 years. You win.

[@switchunboxing]

I could cry. Thank you for this validation and closure. I’m not crazy I’m just informed. Other people don’t see it but I think you’ve nailed it.

[@briannatilden1740]

I’ve watched hundreds of hours of videos on narcissism and this is one of the best ever on covert narcs. Thank so much!!

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thank you for letting me know! I appreciate that. As usual, I am pleased it was helpful but sad it is needed :(!

[@valerieshy8749]

I married into a narcissistic family and learned slowly what covert narcissism is all about. I wish I understood it back then because I had to uncover what I was dealing with over time. When I first noticed a few odd behaviors, I was simply told that the person was "overbearing and domineering." Peeling back the onion over the first 5 years was super disturbing. I keep a very detailed journal of my life in general so I have been able to put together pieces of behaviors and incidents over time to see the pattern. I had never heard of the attention to the dogs more than children before, but that is also ringing some bells for me in this particular relationship. Thank you for such great content. So insightful!

[@thegridrunner9976]

I'm glad for you that you kept a journal. I wish I had. Trying to bring up the things I had to bury and forget has been difficult. There were too many years to be able to sort it all out. I lack so many points of reference so it is difficult to remember the way things happened.

[@BeccAcCardenas]

​@thegridrunner9976 I send my backup to our home network. Also to the "cloud" into two programs. Ones encrypted, my 3 adult sons have all my passwords AND my backups 😅

[@SouthCountyGal]

I married into a family with a covertly narcissistic parent as well, but having been raised by an overt narcissist I only thought that this person pissed me off due to their lack of boundaries. I just assumed this person was a spoiled brat who had never been reined in. It took years to realize that it wasn't a matter of indulgence; the family survived by acquiescing whenever possible, hunkering down when the storms struck, and hitting a mental reset button after the storm passed. This person once turned to my husband in front of me and said, "I told you years ago you should've taken away her parental rights. You didn't listen to me." Thanks to the reset button, my husband has no recollection of this! We would visit my in-laws and have a difficult time, talk about it on the way home, and as soon as we hit the state border, he would turn to me and the kids with a cheerful smile and say "wasn't that a great visit? When can we go back?" We would all stare at him like he had three heads. And as I'm typing this, I am struck by the realization that there is another covert narcissist in this family, the one ostracized by the narcissistic parent and backed up by their enabler. Suddenly, this family dynamic makes more sense.

[@munequa81]

I married into a narc family as well. My sil and mil were described to a T in this video. I’ve been no contact for 3 years and it’s one of the best decisions of my life and saved my marriage.

[@SouthCountyGal]

@@munequa81 I drastically restrict my time with my in-laws. We have always limited the access they had to our children as well, and when they were old to make their own decisions about visits my husband and I backed our kids' boundaries. Your grandkids are not obligated to stay in your presence while you pick on them and demand they be servants. If you've showered them with gifts they don't "owe you" love and gratitude. If you go into their suitcases and wash their laundry while they're not around, they are not required to fall all over themselves with undying gratitude for your martyrdom. They don't have to hide who they are and keep quiet while you say awful things to them. They can rock your boat as wildly as they are comfortable with, and they are justified in avoiding your venom as much as they need to. My MIL will tell the world she dotes upon her grandchildren. She did, until they turned into actual people with opinions. The minute my younger daughter (who strongly resembles her) hit puberty, MIL relentlessly competed with her and picked on her appearance. That girl looks like a goddess, btw. When my older daughter transitioned, she went from pampered boy king to persona non grata. After years, MIL still calls her by her birth name and gender and tries to blame it on being too old to learn new things. This despite her having publicly said all the usual supportive LGBTQ things when my daughter came out. Nope, nope, nope. Our kids have the right to escape our childhoods.

[@4craycray]

This was a great video on Coverts. A good indicator is if you begin to have self esteem issues during or after time spent with them. It’s not NORMAL to feel that way. Pay attention. Thanks 😊

[@nikiyoussef55]

one of the things that took me for a while about ex covert narc who was sadistic and paranoid when i spent time with her or talk to her on the phone i used to feel bad and tire

[@bellaluce7088]

THIS! Some of my signs are feeling anxious, wondering if I did something wrong, and replaying conversations in my head. People in narc forums are so justifiably afraid of winding up with another narc (me too!), but paying attention to how WE feel makes things so much easier. We don't have to stick around to confirm if someone is a narc if we just honor our right to spend time with people who make us feel good. People who haven't been abused understand this intuitively.

[@clintonnagy1662]

My self esteem took a big hit in my last relationship. The guilt trips, blame shifting, and gas lighting tactics wore me down. I questioned my own worth. It was 18 months of that crap. Hopefully I'll regain my value and move on. I dont want to suffer another one of these relationships again. Its a blackhole to hell.

[@jonathandavis9885]

Exactly right. B4 i met my ex i was vibrant, confident and for the most part pretty happy go lucky. About 2 months into the relationship(living together) my confidence went down. She started pointing out every flaw of mine which most were her own self projections which I didn't realize at the time. Nothing I did was ever good enough and felt like a complete failure as a man by the end. I'm just now starting to feel like myself again after 8 months apart. I very was naive b4 I met her(always wanting to see the best in people). I didn't know sadistic people like this that existed and could actually hide it so well and manipulatie you into thinking your the problm.. I would have given my life to try and bring her peace and happiness, and I was nothing but an object to her. I pity people like her though . I can't imagine the pain they feel inside to wanna treat people like this. It's heartbreaking, especially when you truly loved them. Most painful experience of my life but with a silver lining. Taught me 2 things; Self Love and forgiveness. I'm a better man because of this🙏❤️‍🩹

[@mountainmama9209]

Wow. My narc husband showed more affection to our cat than he ever expressed to me. I found myself feeling jealous of our sweet kitty! That’s when I realised that I had to get out of that emotional desert of a marriage.

[@kirsten1007]

Wow. I just realized that is true in my marriage. Loved the cat but could not give me any attention. Mostly pretended he didn't hear me.

[@SeanWilliams-i1n]

I bet he did it in front of you on purpose. They’re so subtle in making you feel forgettable, worthless, inferior

[@shantanu.t]

Glad you escaped 🙌 I had a relatable experience just before the pandemic.💩 “Emotional desert” sums it up well ☠️

[@juliathomas2807]

My mother down to a tee! I went no contact with her after her last outburst / attack early July! It was really difficult at first but then it gets easier! I’ve seen her twice (at funerals she didn’t expect me to attend) there was no communication! I kept my head held high and I felt very proud of myself. She is who she is and I now understand that her ‘demons’ are not my priority or problem!

[@UlfhednarAxe]

You deserve peace as an individual family isn’t worth spending this limited existence in agony

[@juliathomas2807]

@@UlfhednarAxe thank you ☺️

[@Texasgirlinacrazyworld]

Right on, I went No Contact w/my parents the summer before last. 👏

[@CynthiaAva]

I have been wrestling with the fact that I had to cut ties from my brother, who is also a covert narcissist. I can’t imagine cutting ties with a mother. You must be very strong. I was raised by a narcissist, grandmother, and then she had a stroke and her personality completely changed, so that was interesting, but to cut ties with family has been difficult. Takes a lot of strength but the peace is next level so it makes it worth it.

[@dancingpixie6120]

2 years for me!

[@kathleenklein4231]

My mom checks all the boxes. She is 89 and lives in an Assisted Living. I am the only child and the only one that helps her in anyway in the family. No one else pays any attention to her. She has me so fed up sometimes, I just want to abandon her. I won't, but that is how I feel. What a thankless job this is!

[@paulaellis6242]

I am an only child, Mom is 94, she checks all the boxes as well. It;s finally started that I speak back to her now, but it is thankless, I agree with you! Good Luck!

[@kathleenklein4231]

@@paulaellis6242 I am in therapy and am starting to set boundaries. It is the only way I am going to live through the next several years (her mother lived to be 99). The last time she started to act up during a visit, I said "If you continue to talk to me this way, I am leaving." and I left. I do her laundry, I take her to the doctor and I get her prescriptions. I try to visit her for 1 1/2 hours each week. I am no longer calling everyday.

[@hulamei3117]

So sorry. You're a much better person than I because I'd probably abandon her.

[@paulaellis6242]

@@kathleenklein4231 You sound like me, my Mom lives 10 minutes away. I have also told her before, that if she continues on her awful attack on everyone and everything, I am leaving, Wow, she stopped, but it is such an emotional roller coaster. Best wishes from one that 'Get's' it. All the best....

[@Padraigp]

Oh man im 20 years behind u. My mom's in her late 70s 80s not sure...(shes 39 apparently) and i just go there clean the fridge make sure everything is clean and safe and she wont trip over her rubbish and she will screetch at me because she has lost a scissors. Shes also a hoarder. And if u say anything anything...trying to be psiitive or soenthing she just tshuts down and sulks like a child...and so u cant talk to her about anything...she talks ans talks about people i dont know what shes on about.. and then if i speak she just looks at her phone... sigh. I alsso want to walk away but feel i cant. Maybe i will. Lifes too short. I can wait till shes 90 and help her then. Im so sick to my stomach with it.

[@RandolphTheWhite1]

The fake empathy is how I spotted this narcissist I had to room with. It's so subtle, and it took me a while to notice. The sudden change when they think the social engagement is done is where I noticed. It's like he didn't know he needed to keep his mask on until I was gone.

[@ThreetwoOne-wu7ye]

You might have identified an ASPD. We don't fake unpathy

[@deborahcurtis1385]

watch for micro expressions of disgust, they have disgust at others and themselves.

[@Lila17_]

@@deborahcurtis1385YESSS! My sister is the same way , when I’m crying or talking about something I’m ashamed on she makes this disgust look. I’m so glad I can diagnose these people now, it makes me feel less crazy. Cuz they will paint you as the problem and manipulate you

[@peterpaul9644]

It’s so strange because while dating a covert narcissist, I felt so guilty every time I sensed something was wrong. I’d always blame myself and perceive it as self sabotage. The love bombing, which was always publicized for the world to see, the bursts of anger which were always my mistaken interpretation , the self-aggrandizing lies, the “no, I did not say that”, and literally the “of course, I’ll take advantage of relationships to get what I want”, were all ignored because he was “such a nice guy.” This one time we were in the middle of a horrible fight and he was beyond aggravated until I mentioned: “I’ll tell every one we know about who you really are”. His entire demeanor changed and he switched into the nicest person in the world again. Just like that, like flipping a switch. And there we were, back together again. He made me realize that not all nice people are good people. Long story short, listen to your gut ❤

[@trinidad111]

My experience being with a covert for 2 years and engaged was a blessing. As awful as it was, It exposed the things I needed to look at in myself. Why I allowed it, why in my gut I knew what was happening but still accepted it. They prey on a particular type of person. That’s where we come in. A lot of times people get out of these relationships and find out what the hell that was and often overlook the things about themselves that allowed the narcissist make their way into our lives. It’s not that there’s something wrong with us but we are in an unhealthy emotional state to put up with obvious abuse. I was a shell of myself mentally and physically at the end of it. I sucked at setting boundaries, no self esteem, lacking confidence, didn’t love myself, self doubt, and so on. It’s the hardest thing to admit these things about ourselves. But it’s necessary if you want to attract good in your life. Your have to be honest with yourself. My advice is to avoid the victim mentality after this. It’s completely understandable and I mean no judgement to how anyone tried to pull themselves up after this. You’re hurt and it’s valid and nobody deserves that. You deserve better than what was given to you and I hope you find it in yourself first so the right people can come into your life. This is regarding a romantic relationship that one has choice to be in, not a child with a parent or something where the person is born into it. I couldn’t imagine enduring this for a whole childhood. Another year in it and I might not be here so my heart hurts who deals or dealt with this.

[@lucertola123456]

totally agree, I needed to look at myself and be honest.

[@Consistent-C]

I grew up w mom being this way and then all of my relationships up to now. I'm only just realizing I was never living for myself. I'm not familiar with myself and my own desires and joy, but I'm learning!!!

[@deehyatt5173]

I agree with this comment. I know full well, I dislike myself. I have my entire life. I am working on that at the moment ❤

[@hippiecowgirl4231]

Thank you for that

[@sweetsunnydaygirl]

Well said. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. Really helped me. I'm sure it's helping others as well. Thanks for sharing.

[@munkyjammin]

Thank you for reminding me of what normal, sane, emotionally healthy people are. We are a family trying to heal from the deep discard of a covert narcissist. Our only worth was as props & to hear his bitter resentment & jealousy of others. He lacked any empathy for us, his family. Yet he presented himself as a highly personable, empathetic mentor in his career. Our praise & attention never provided the CAREER & EGO GLORY he sought. It was like living in black & white to witness such changes in character. Surely nobody outside of our home would ever believe THE TRUTH we lived with. Our children could watch videos of their father publicly mentoring others with great care & attention IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA on KZbin. He never spared time for his own children like that, ever. We were there to serve a man with no conscience & a hollow soul.( lacked any REAL depth of love for anyone )

[@thecultofjohnnydelr.soulsw7010]

Sounds like a typical passive aggressive two faced bastard She was the same kzbin.info/www/bejne/mKa6fKhnadZgqdk Her discard was deliberately acute of course.

[@klaraslapnickova3886]

That must have been so painful for the children. And for you that you and the children have been the only ones who could always see the difference between the fake and the truth and to know that no one outside could believe it. Stay safe and keep healing. It's unbelievable how this personality disorder is recognizable through different countries, cultures and languages. I remember all partners of my dad always saying the same about him: Jekyll & Hyde, split personality, why he keeps behaving us much worse than anyone random outside?, etc.... I liked them always more than my own dad. I left home and told police once I don't wanna be with him anymore. I was 14. Such a silly childish act. I couldn't explain them anything. I didn't know how. And not one close sane family member could do anything about that. Even the adults were totally cought in his nets full of lies, manipulations and threats. Each of them had to do his or her best to keep at least self in safe. And some failed anaway. My father is an advocate, unfortunately. The only who always kept silence about him was my mum. I am convinced now, more than ever in my life, she payed for this the highest price. Her imune system failed totally after more than 10 years of psycho terror caused by him. The illness went so quickly. She died 1 year after the diagnose. I am 43 and still alive.

[@lemostjoyousrenegade]

Sometimes the “I do everything for everybody else” is an actual fact of those who are extremely empathetic and compassionate…those whose kindnesses have been taken for weakness (over and over again) by narcissists/users. This includes being a safe place to fall (a listening ear) for family and acquaintances. HOWEVER, when the kind and compassionate ones need a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear, they’re met with quick brush offs like “You’ll get through it, you’re strong” or “this too shall pass”. They often have NO ONE around them who’s emotionally intelligent enough to be present with them when they’re experiencing real/serious life challenges. Narcissistic people are shallow and cannot face or handle their own emotions, let alone hear (or care) about those of others.

[@Goldensunrise-8]

Absolutely spot on

[@katierucker2870]

Thank you for saying this. I try my best as others to be empathetic and kind and it sometimes feels as if it gets thrown out the window and brushed aside. This is how I feel with my family but mostly my mother. Then she’ll toss me aside with her having it worse than me and everyone else. I believe myself and others in my family are terrified of her at times and she doesn’t understand why.

[@welcomingyourwellness5379]

Explained my mother to a T. And she went to extremes! Its amazing how you grow up in this environment and think this is normal until you see other family dynamics. Alot of damage was done, I've gone no contact and am now in a much healthier place in my life, Mentally and physically

[@rob.taylor]

Wow. I lived 21 years with a spouse who hits every single point. Through every single year of our marriage I was on the defensive as her and I constantly circled the question of what was wrong with me. The whole time I also wondered why all my friends, family, and co-workers, one-by-one, all stopped associating with me. It was only after the marriage ended I slowly began to discover the outrageous lies that were told. It was only in counseling that I began to see the truth of the mental manipulation and emotional gymnastics, and gain the strength to get out.

[@marylouleeman]

Our refrain: To find out what is wrong with me.

[@polymathematics5837]

Same happened to me, all by the same playbook. You'll spend years trying to get back the person you were, and lost, while you were married. Marry a good women and you'll be happy for life, marry a covert narcissist, and you'll become a philosopher.

[@DeportedDomingo]

​@@polymathematics5837hahaha that was a good one.

[@nomaddpk]

​@@polymathematics5837Facts

[@ameliamonroyo3029]

Sometimes we,dont noticed that the person which we consider part of our life are : Narcicistic one

[@LEM19284]

It’s WAY more than 10% of the population. In my life of dealing with one and divorcing that same one, I have three of five friends who have done the same because of the same! One friend is in her third divorce from one. That’s a very high percentage I do understand there is a data collection difference between official diagnosis and having the characteristics. Bottom line: Narcs do not get appropriate help, nor a formal diagnosis.

[@davidyakobian7452]

Recent studies and Dr. Ramani estimate there are over 18%.

[@maryj7950]

Yup, yup, yup. Co-workers are a HUGE under mentioned population. Especially CLEAR after working 2-3 jobs for 20+ yrs and THAT BEHAVIOR was more prevalent than not...then ADD longe term friends & OMG don't ever forget about neighbors! ...it's almost like being surrounded & suffocated by mental illness on ALL fronts...after you begin healing and several yrs IN you realize the Level of TOXIC in just your small little world

[@IsYouStillaFan]

Well there are people with narcissistic behavior, habits, or have phases and moments of dishonesty and then they are people who live whole lives that way. Just because we can live so much in our ego sometimes doesn’t makes use full blown narcissists

[@aelfredrex8354]

The worst part is there's just so damn many of them out there.

[@aelfredrex8354]

@@sine8811 No.

[@laurendemi_art]

YES

[@helenhighwater5313]

@@sine8811 That is a loaded question there. I've observed that people tend to see negative traits more in whatever political leaning doesn't align with theirs. It's a human thing. I've seen narcissistic traits in politicians of all persuasions. All the more reason to be careful, just because someone is on the same page politically with you doesn't mean they're not a narc. We tend to see people with whom we agree through rose colored glasses. Kind of like when we fall in love with someone who love-bombs us. Politicians are masters at love-bombing, anything to get your vote.

[@barbarashushack]

1 in 6

[@laurendemi_art]

@@barbarashushack 1-6% apparently, not 1 in 6 people

[@soilgrasswaterair]

I liked that you clarified that passive aggressive behavior doesn’t always need to come from a manipulation. I had a friend in high school who was very passive aggressive. She was never manipulating though! It stopped right away when I told her it was more than fine though not want the same things and that the friendship we had should have room for both our voices. She came from a home with a very controlling father, and had little to nothing to say about different things when around him. Her passive aggresive behavior came from frustration and also being scared of speaking her mind, while feeling a need to be more active in different social settings outside of the home. I have no doubt it would have gone sideways if I had been upset at her or tried to change her behavior in negative way.

[@thunderousapplause]

being passive aggressive is manipulation.

[@tyaljb]

@@thunderousapplause Yes, say that again!!! The writer above wrote "Her passive aggresive behavior came from frustration and also being scared of speaking her mind". This alone should be enough to detect the intention to manipulate in order to get the desired outcome, since speaking her mind would have made the writer accept or reject whatever it is that the "friend" wanted.

[@jeanneeber]

As a victim/survivor of many Narcissists,particularly IN my family! I have developed "Narc-dar", an inner warning system for recognizing these types! I may not always be right, but at least I'm forewarned to be on guard.

[@soberanisfam1323]

Or maybe you are one

[@dancroitoru364]

@@soberanisfam1323 The Narcdar-dar

[@soberanisfam1323]

@@dancroitoru364 it takes one to know one and the chances of op having narc is huge due to having MANy narc in their family

[@dancroitoru364]

@@soberanisfam1323 no. most likely it goes like this: Barbara equipped with a psychology PhD discovered that YT business is even more profitable than clinic work because for each page of DSM V she could make literally 1 mil views from gen M/Z teenage souls (although most of them are in their late thirties) validating them in thinking they are victims of a truly sick world. so no, 99.9% of the folk here have no narc, no bipolar, no etc and their families, friends, bosses are ok or at least no more a-holes than most people. -)

[@soberanisfam1323]

@@dancroitoru364 interesting theory

[@SeanA5888]

THANK YOU for mentioning the dog topic with regard to narcissists. I’ve been saying for years that narcissists love their dogs because they worship them at their feet no matter what; even if the narcissist abuses them, their dogs will show them love & devotion. From my experience, narcissists tend to hate cats. Why? Because you actually have to EARN their love & affection. Entitled narcissists can’t vibe well with that kind of feline energy.

[@k.ohalloran8758]

I experienced this too!

[@kimj4402]

I'm not keen on cats but adore dogs, and now wondering if I'm a Narc 🤔😮 I love many animals and keep house rabbits and you have to earn their trust, love and affection Because rabbits are a prey species (unlike cats and dogs, both predator species) it takes a more deliberate investment on your part to build a relationship with a rabbit. A rabbit may start out as shy, afraid, very independent, or hesitant to trust you. It takes deliberate action on your part to build trust and mutual understanding with these sensitive, intelligent prey animals. We've huge bonds with our rabbits and hope that means we're not narcs 🐇🐇 despite my not being keen on cats

[@Dr.JudeAEMasonMD]

Whoaaaa I always thought to myself that my ex-husband loved his 2 Doodles more than me. He cared about them sleeping in the bed more than he cared about me detesting it. That was an early warning sign. Next time I’ll take it as the red flag that it is.

[@freespirit5234]

You exactly correct! 🙌

[@christinemilham2847]

Not if the dog is drawn to the SO (whoops)

[@misslippy8439]

This is 100% my last boyfriend. The worst part is that everyone thinks he is a great man. Yet, I was on the receiving end of his psychological and emotional abuse.

[@karmasutra4774]

Same here. The one I was with was a serial cheater. He then proceeded to rewrite history and say he is the victim of all of his Exes ever. He owns a gym and all his bro followers are an echo chamber when he decides to put down all his exes

[@sniper1444]

Every time a man treats a woman badly he suddenly becomes a narcissist😅😅 he probably just wasn't into you

[@kevinfitzpatrick586]

@@sniper1444 Not the smartest comment I've read in this thread.

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

Thank you for this insightful video. With my covert narcissistic mother, it’s pets in general. She can be so kind and loving when it comes to our cats, but can be so unfeeling and unkind to the human being (namely me, her punching bag!). She checks ALL the boxes of a covert narcissist, and excessively indulges in the “humble brag.”

[@nernatbentley3778]

Your mother is only OVERLY kind towards your cats because, she wants YOU to feel LESS than they are! Don’t fall for her tactics but, if you already have… just know you’re worth MORE than what she’ll ever be able to provide for you!!! Peace and Love, my friend! 🙏🏽❤️🌻

[@breakthroughmoment1647]

@@nernatbentley3778 Thank you! That’s very nice of you to say. Peace & Blessings to you as well 💐💐

[@sharontennison6370]

😢

[@nernatbentley3778]

@@breakthroughmoment1647 Thank you! 🙏🏽

[@w8what575]

My mothers theme she pushes that I’ve just figured out when cleaning up another damned mess she allowed to happen…poor sweet old lady with two crazy kids that are out to get each other…and then does this back and forth thing with me and my siblings…telling me they’re out to get me and telling them I’m out to get them…so now my siblings that take after her are on a war path I’ve learned…they’ve sabotaged every relationship and friendship I’ve had..the ones who tried sticking around always end up leaving because they start getting attacked by my family..,but I’m the crazy one for getting upset when I lose yet another friend or a job or my neighbors start targeting me based on what my family says about me…they even had my dog taken from me..

[@MattJDave]

The whole gossipping about everyone wearing down one's faith in humanity definitely happened to me. My narcissistic mother would always give me high praises in public for minor things, yet in private treat me as a friendless, underachieving loser. In addition, whenever she'd talk behind one of her friends' backs, I just knew that this was how she talked about me to others. I ended up thinking all women were like this and it led to a genuinely sexist streak in me that I've been eager to correct. The first step involved... just talking to other women and realising the vast majority are sane. Simple, but necessary lol

[@SardonischerDean]

The vast majority are not sane, sorry

[@jaynej2884]

@@SardonischerDeanit’s probably more telling of something with you, that you attract insane women over and over. That’s that pattern that requires work. Keeping that mindset won’t help you at all you will just settle for insanity bc you think “they’re all that way”. That is a you problem.

[@SardonischerDean]

@@jaynej2884 I actually have a woman that's amazing but OK lol

[@LeZigzag274]

Thank you! Most of the videos I’ve looked at about covert narcissism give examples that are way more blatant than my former “best friend” who I have been distancing from once I realized the hit the relationship was making to my health. This video was very validating and helped me understand the situation.

[@witchywoman4139]

That bit at the end about animals was spot on. My mother (who exhibits a plethora of narcissistic traits) has quite a fondness for animals, dogs and cats alike. The only cat she doesn't like is my cat Charlie, who is shy and skittery (all of my cats are rescued strays and ferals), and so he hides and hasn't warmed up to her. It took me well over a year of patience and consistency to slowly tame him, and now he can't get enough love, but only from me. Rather than understanding things from his perspective and empathizing with his wariness, she simply doesn't like him for the exact reason you mentioned....he isn't giving her the adoration she thinks she deserves. Going to watch your vid on narcissistic moms next, thanks for sharing!

[@saturdayschild8535]

The covert husband is very good at making you look like the covert narcissist. They force you into their behaviors if you don’t know what you’re dealing with. Having a covert mom set me up for more pain and anguish than I knew.

[@GuardianofLight8]

Hands down one of the best videos to explain Covert Narcissist, my ex boyfriend was one and it took me a long time to figure it out but boy I was so confused. He checked everything you point out. So scary and I’m so grateful that I got out of that so fast. It is extremely damaging to self esteem it hurt me deeply that I had to be so firm to cut contact when I feel so much In my heart he knew that and kept pushing so sad

[@sitori663]

That is SO true about narcissists and their dogs. It can fool you into thinking maybe they are capable of empathy.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

I love the way you worded this. That is exactly the problem!

[@boperez2841]

They are unable to have empathy 99% of the time because they are so constricted in their ideas of perfection and expectations that only non humans can reach their standards if they even do

[@annellacannella5674]

Oh my goodness. Yes. Her little chihuahua dogs that have all these health problems. And then she just couldn’t come to work because she might have to put one of them down. And on and on. So…. I mean I love my dogs and am upset when they aren’t well, but…..

[@FifiR3]

Yes my narc had a rescue dog, seemingly brimming with love and empathy as i do with animals. Until i saw his poor rescue, the one he claimed to love so much, be kicked the moment he was irritated. That was a horrific moment of realization for me. I couldnt ever imagine doing something like that. The mask came off. When i called it out, his response "shes just being dramatic yelping like that." I am the problem if i think there was something wrong with his behaviour. Guess crying after being treated horribly for no reason was also me being "dramatic". They are so skillful at hiding their true selves, they turn on u viciously when the mask slips and they know u know.

[@chandranapier2259]

This is why I have long since rejected the idea of “pet lover = good person”. You don’t know the story behind closed doors. Most people don’t go around killing dogs or cats for fun so people earn way less points to me for doing something that is normal. On top of this, most of these types of people only really care about how they feel. The animal can give them “unconditional” love and keeps them looking like a good person on the outside. It’s all about what they gain and keep, even if the animal is kept in squalor. They will even put other people down from this sense of “moral” superiority they seem to have. Be kind to your animal friends but to these types of people It’s all shallow.

[@rmath8605]

Oh my God, @Barbara Heffernan! I was cleaning up my kitchen while watching this video and almost fell over when you talked about how the Covert Narcissist tends to absolutely adore their pets - dogs in particular. You were so perfectly describing a guy I was in a relationship with beginning January of 2023 that went on for about 6 months. I completely fell for him and then he discarded me, leaving me completely shattered. About a month ago, I discovered Covert Narcissism and realized it described him perfectly. When you brought up their tendency to deeply admire and love their pets, however, I couldn't believe it. My ex absolutely adored his dog. Don't get me wrong - I have pets myself and I love them dearly also and go to the ends of the earth for them often, but I do not shut the door on other people and put them above others in such an unorthodox way as my ex did. He lived a couple of hours away from me and so I would drive to his house on weekends. He absolutely had to sleep wherever the dog would sleep. He had a very nice loft bedroom in the upstairs of his home but his actual bedroom was on the main floor. One weekend when I stayed with him, he suggested we sleep up in the loft instead. I agreed and we went up there and crawled into the bed. His dog came up with us, but was obviously uncomfortable up there and did not like being in the upstairs. The dog got up and went and sat by the stairs and would whine here and there. My ex was clearly upset by this and after some tossing and turning, finally said - "This isn't going to work. I'm going to sleep downstairs. You can stay up here if you'd like, but I'm going downstairs. I can't sleep up here knowing he's not content." I thought it was so odd. I replied - "Why don't you just lead him downstairs and let him sleep down there and we can stay up here?" He was not ok with that at all. I had to get up, pack up my CPAP machine, make the upstairs bed, take everything downstairs and then get into his bed down there so he would be happy. I didn't make a big deal out of it, but the whole situation struck me as a bit odd and over the top. I was so incredibly hurt when I was discarded. After learning more about narcissism, more specifically Covert Narcissism, now I'm thankful for the discard. I truly believe God was saving me from what could have ended up being a hellish life. I definitely have learned some lessons. Thank you for your videos and spreading awareness of these very toxic people.

[@jcm5171]

What a great video. Describes my narcissistic mother to a T, to this day : she is 92 years old and more toxic than ever. As her only daughter trapped in her web for over 60 years, I can testify to the incredible damage covert narcissists cause to people they target and to their primary preys, and how difficult it is for anyone to understand, believe and come to terms with this narcissistic personality disorder phenomenon which is nothing short of being one of the most dangerous things that can happen to you in life if you are exposed to it, be it with a parent, a partner, a coworker or a friend. It takes for ever to understand that covert narcissists have only one goal in life : get you to feed their ego as they work at sneaking self-doubt in you. Period. For that, they will do anything, anything at all, praise you, dote on you, blackmail you, insult you, lie to you and make you the cause of all their supposed suffering. They will attempt to destroy you if you don't comply : there is no other option for them. Some will kill, if they feel they have been found out for who they really are. So, one rule : no matter what, if you push back, never let them know exactly how much you know. I have been severely damaged by this and yet I survived. At 68 years old, I work every second at healing from this, while my narcissistic mother lives with me still in my own home (while she pretends it's hers -- yup, with narcissists, anything goes and they care nothing about proofs and official papers). She is on the rampage to sabotage me since I have set limits and no longer cater to her demands in the hope of making her happy as I have come to terms with her inescapable mental illness, toxicity and fakeness and the fact that I cannot abandon her, yet. She has been targeting my entire entourage to destroy me in their eyes while looking like an innocent victim who doesn't know what to do. I have explained things to those who matter in great openness and detail and given up on all the rest : not so hard, as I have isolated myself now for decades. You have to be ready to have some people torn in two, disbelieving, because narcissists excel at many things and looking fragile, distraught and in dire need of help is their specialty. No matter how many times you are exposed to their fits of rage and astounding evil ways, like destroying your reputation, your property or your relationships, they can come back to make you forget or feel like you have hallucinated or overreacted or whatever. Don't beat yourself up : if this is happening or has happened to you, chances are that you are a highly open, empathetic, eager to love and save the world person with a fragile ego because you don't live to win and kill but to love and feel. That makes you the perfect narcissistic supply. A lot of time and work including knowing yourself is required to be able to apprehend the truth about the fact that some of those people you love actually detest who you are, but pretend the opposite in order to get what you've got. Narcissists will NEVER hesitate at hurting anyone, most of all their children whom they feel are their property. If they spare you, it's because that is the only way to spare themselves. My mother still hesitates to go too far with my closest cousin who is like a sister to me because she knows it could backfire. So she, for now, works at instilling doubt in her mind. I am aware and have unveiled everything I could with my cousin, so that she may access both sides of the story : she has never seen my mother be herself but has seen me besides myself with depression and anger. Imagine how complicated it is for someone to make sense of all that. Behind the curtains lurks the only truth that matters : narcissists are highly motivated fakes and great actors. They don't love you, never have and never will. Don't let anyone convince you that they do love you "in their own way" : that is rationalization, not reality. If you don't outsmart them, they'll get you every time because they possess no scruples or sense of guilt, like sociopaths. They secretly live by their own secret rules while pretending to be selfless, highly moral and caring, giving persons. They are believed by all. You see, their victims are not as perfectly perfect in appearance as they are, so they can easily pass for the troubled ones or the abusive ones. Long term victims will often resort to narcissistic behavior themselves to counteract the abuse they experience from the narcissist : children of narc mothers, although unaware, have learned everything there is to know about narcissistic methods and WILL use them, at times, against their aggressor. The difference is that they feel great remorse, guilt and pain when they do and spend an inordinate amount of time to try and devise other methods. The problem is, none are as good. Hence, it's a horrific catch-22 situation : you are doomed if you do and doomed if you don't. Suicide is sometimes the only way out. That's what my dad did. My partner of 6 years has witnessed the truth and is now aware, in shock and still bewildered as my manipulative mother puts on a great performance for him but he is keen on observing the only thing that will save our couple : avoiding contact and confrontation with my mother at any cost. She will otherwise either lash out or attempt to damage me in his eyes. He leaves the house early in the morning and comes to my place late at night; we have several hours to ourselves then and we share and talk a lot (I am blessed that way; we both are diagnosed Gifted Adults with a very atypical mindset and this has probably saved me from being annihilated or totally rendered insane by my mother who drove my dad to suicide but has yet to be able to kill my spirit or values. She rants at me daily, scrutinizing every word or move on my part. I don't know if I am strong or stubborn or crazy but now that I know that my mother is unable to feel or love or be happy and has faked it all her life, I suddenly can protect myself instead of spending my time protecting her from herself. She had me so convinced I was not worth protecting, you see... I am sure there are many like me out there, not knowing yet what they are dealing with, and hope to God that videos like these that are so perfect can help them see, and react ! Best Regards, from France

[@ThreetwoOne-wu7ye]

Ben alors quelle facon de parler de sa mère de 93 ans. Elle a pas l'air facile, c'est clair mais c'est votre maman. Si elle existe.

[@Lori-kc6jl]

It almost sounds like she is an overt narcissist. I do understand as I'm about your age and have had to deal with 2 narcissist parents - father was overt & mother is covert. He has passed away and she was previously hidden but her true self has come out since his passing. I feel for you having to live with your mother! My sister deals more with mine now as she lives close to her. We do not speak since I was the scapegoat and none of my family thinks much of me. Fortunately I was sent this wonderful partner by God in heaven and he saved me from them for the most part, although sometimes I don't think he understands them. She has tried to sabotage our relationship to a degree when I made the stupid mistake of confiding in her prior to my realization that she was nearly as bad as my father. If I can survive this I know you can too, and I wish you strength, love and peace.

[@transcender9203]

@@ThreetwoOne-wu7yeHmmmmm sounds like you personally know this woman. Shame on you!! This woman Has been tortured by her mother all her life. How dare you try to discredit her!

[@sunflower2594]

My beloved mom was a covert narcissist, and I didn't even realize it until she was in her last years and I was taking care of her. She was constantly triangulating--she would try to come between my husband and me, my daughters and me, my grandkids and me. She would talk to me about them, and vice versa. If I bought something for myself, she was angry if I didn't be the exact same thing for her--even if she didn't need it. She loved playing the martyr. She tried and tried to get me back into the bashful, insecure child I had been. When I set boundaries, she called every member of her family and told them how lonely, how neglected, how she hadn't had breakfast yet even though it was soooo late (she had), on and on. Very difficult to deal with. She has passed on and I miss her. How I wish, though, that I had understood her psychological issues when I was much younger.

[@ThreetwoOne-wu7ye]

Nope not NPD

[@lv4984]

My dear mom turned 70 this year and I've been living abroad since 4 years now and I realized lately she suffers from Covert narcissistic personality disorder. I too wish I had learned even thou I knew something was wrong. I basically went grey rocking before realising it was a thing, I actually felt it was what I needed. When I discovered it I felt reborn and like I could be happy again but as soon as I restarted sharing my stuff in a couple of occasions I had nightmares and bad stuff happening to me. It's shocking how even from distance, they can cause this.

[@randomfornow]

​@@lv4984sameee!

[@cooldogsofwv]

You just described my older sister exactly! I always wondered what was wrong with her, appears helpless, so sweet, always broke, nobody loves her, coworkers hate her, on and on, finally broke off relationship earlier this year, just can’t handle all that drama

[@Sharon-jg9ls]

OMG! Same. She always the victim and people are “mean” to her. Never sees what she’s done wrong.

[@Lila17_]

I broke off relationship too, couldn’t have been happier. Freeing from a narcissist is such a freeing feeling

[@gaylereyes8700]

Thank you for all of your videos. My mom was a covert narcissist. It’s actually playbook. This knowledge has helped me so much to heal and know it wasn’t me. I was a child.and YES my mom loved her dogs. I thought she definitely liked them way more than me.

[@EvannaLily123]

Thank you so much for your words! The last 4 years I had a covert narcissist in my life until a couple of months ago (because we moved away). The confusion she caused me to feel was the worst part of it. She pretended to be a friend but really tried everything possible to ruin my ability to trust in my own judgement. EVERYTHING you mentioned fits her perfectly! Even the part about the pet dog. You really helped me to get rid of the heavy weight on my shoulders I used to have because of the constant accuring selfdoubt and selfblaming. People did not believe me and kept telling me I am over thinking it etc. And the mother of the narc was treating me like shit as soon as I no longer let myself be terrorised by her twisted daughter. She doesn't admit, nor accept that "her golden child" is full of vicious, evil s*** eventhough the narc is also destroying her own family. To everybody suffering from the scum called narcissists: Please for your own health & safety GO NO CONTACT as soon as possible! 🙏🏼 Do NOT worry about their "feelings" because they have non! They only have a never ending thurst for others to pump up their ego. And sadly enough... they will find their next victim. There is no healing for them! Take good care of yourself ! And most importantly: you are NOT insane - they are!!!

[@callie6406]

You are the first person who explained this in a way that made so much sense. My father was a classic textbook narcissist which is something I figured out a long time ago. I knew that my mother always had some narcissistic tendencies, but never thought that she fit into the narcissist profile. After listening to you talk about the covert narcissist, I now know that I was raised by two narcissists. Explains SO much, so thank you! You've got a new subscriber and follower.🙂

[@suzannebunbury2961]

Very helpful. I don’t like the way they use a person and then tell people how bad they are. They’re so sugar-sweet that people believe the bad things they say about you. No sense to defend one’s self it just makes the person look worse. It’s worthwhile to listen and learn to these videos in order to avoid these sneaky people. ❤❤❤

[@marietteoepkes2584]

All that is said is absolutely spot on! My mom and older sister are narcissists...my sister has worked on herself, thank God she had the insight to work on herself and things have improved... And yes the confusion has always been there for me...doubing my own actions and abilities constantly....well life is a constant learning path and I guess this is one of my lessons....

[@HelenaM-kt8ni]

I am surrounded by covert narcissists in my life, (and one grandiose narcissist that is easier to recognise). The worst is my older sister, who was jealous of my birth, because my very existence threatened the attention she got from our mother. I spent my whole life being thrown under the bus, sabotaged and undermined by her passive aggressive behaviours. We are still in conflict at the ripe ages of 77 and 75. At this point I don't care a fig. I am fully self aware and that's all that's important. Great post, Barbara!

[@galaxia4709]

It sounds like maybe she was treated by your mother as the golden child, or she would have overgrown normal jealousy as a small child when a new baby was born?

[@HelenaM-kt8ni]

@@galaxia4709 Exactly right; and I was blatantly trashed by my mother, as sis looked on with glee. She got her comeuppance in later life though, as I became successful and self aware, and her husband trashed her! Karma.

[@galaxia4709]

@@HelenaM-kt8ni Yes same with me, my 3 yr younger brother the golden child and my mom showing disrespect to me (its only become worse and very harsh to me), so he learned to disrespect me I think. Sadly a yr ago my brother passed away, this may seem fairly long ago but it isn't and still feels as 'young' news to me, we were soulmates when we were kids and it feels as if I lost a twin....but anyway, practically since my brother's passing my mom doesn't want to see me anymore. Then a while later it appeared to not be this resolute and she stands open to my calls but it all has to come from me and she never takes any initiative. This isn't doable and lately I haven't felt to call her, but it comes with a price, I am dependent on her to see my 8 yr old niece, daughter of my brother. Much worse things have happened, with the bad wife my brother was married to, who didn't care he died and was happy to inherit his apartment, she and her family threw my mom and I out of his app when he wasn't even cold and had just passed a couple of hours ago, falsely accusing my mom and me and especially me. And my narcissistic flying monkey aunt (sister of my dad) who saw & grabbed the chance of her life and finally found her ultimate excuse to be able to be against me and is treating me as if I am a "criminal', she and her husband blindly believed the false accusations of my brother's family in law, and are both acting accordingly towards me. And then my blood own mom, the things she has said, blamed me of and the way she has treated me as well as certain triangle situations with the enemy my brother's wife, instead of being en-bloc as family together against her, since my brother's passing.... Sorry I didn't mean to write this long.

[@antifleshnimbus4785]

My mother is a full blown narcisst and extremely cruel with people, specially those who should be the closest and most beloved ones... while at same time she's ok with animals and even owns a dog. She used to say "people who love animals are good people" and "I LOVE animals, much more than people" and things like that, now I got why.

[@conniekullmann2824]

I used to groom dogs and so many of our customers met these criteria. They loved their dogs more than their children and were proud to tell you so. It was an eye-opener

[@jhavajoe3792]

I take it, pets are most times easier to control and they love control. Royalty to their pets in their own little worlds. Most pet owners- nothing like Narcs of course.

[@antifleshnimbus4785]

@@jhavajoe3792 Spot on, for the dog narcisstic owner is a literal god and he loves it. Beside what helps greatly is dog's personality - they're very dependent and easily bonding animals. The owner is everything for them, even if treats them badly, that's why they love dogs so much. That shit won't pass with eg reptile pets or even a cat, so they prefer their ultimately submissive and loyal canine.

[@annabeauty7084]

Well, but it is normal. Animals are way better than people.

[@Aelffwynn]

​@annabeauty7084 yeah, I agree it's something to look out for if a person mainly wants worship from their pet and stuff like that. But a lot of us just enjoy that dogs are non-judgmental, affectionate, and spontaneous. My dog reminds me to live in the moment every day. (He's a handful lol) 💜 A lot of people also enjoy caring for pets. Being responsible for a pet means you have a reason to get out of bed every day, so it's wonderful for managing depression!

[@fancisanc8218]

I was married to a narcissist. Thank you for this video Barbara. I feel validated and understood. This is the first video of covert narcissism I’ve seen that describes my experience so well. There doesn’t seem to be nearly as much coverage of covert narcissism as there is overt narcissism and they are so different. I absolutely felt like I was losing my mind. To the point where i still don’t know how I got clear headed and strong enough to leave. I would really appreciate a video on covert fathers and the impact on their daughters

[@nateo200]

I had a psychiatrist who was a covert narcissist. He gaslit me and accused me of lying about everything including being Autistic. I hate that I ever trusted that man or throught he had an ounce of confidence. When the back handed compliments, passive aggressive behavior turned into storming out of sessions, never apologizing, and abrupt resignation for some other more very serious mistakes. Everything I said was interpreted as some secret slight toward him, "you are just trying to make me feel stupid" or "stop trying to impress me" were common replies. When I was diagnosed with a rare and painful blood disease by another Doctor he absolutely lost his mind and accused me of everything in the book even though I never asked for a Dx. I never felt so betrayed.

[@calvinfinney5083]

Yikes, even worse that it came from a psychiatrist, I'm sorry to hear that you had to deal with that trauma.

[@ShaareiZoharDaas]

99.9% of psychologists are drawn to the study and the position because they want to understand what's wrong with themselves.

[@calvinfinney5083]

@@ShaareiZoharDaas I completely agree. The saying 'hurt people hurt people' and 'healed people heal people' rings true. If I psychologist or psychiatrist hasn't dealt with their own traumas they are more bound to hurt others. If they have addressed their own trauma in a healthy manner then they are more likely to be a vehicle for healing.

[@nateo200]

@@ShaareiZoharDaas Yeah…I was assigned a new resident physician every 8 weeks (teaching hospital rotation) and I met some VERY unhealthy people that were either PA’s or residents…I won’t go into details but that got out of hand as well. I’m not trying to judge but when your personal issues start effecting patients in a very bad way you need to get help yourself

[@nateo200]

@@calvinfinney5083 Yeah this guy was clearly unhealthy had admitted to having a heroin problem that only stopped because it got expensive. I’m really not trying to judge but i can’t imagine not doing drugs only because they are expensive. Spent my whole life loving therapy as it helped me grow so much but this experience was traumatic af. Unfortunately I actually have a lot of empathy and that combined with trauma means I sort of attract damaged people and stick with them far longer than I should. I respect people who can learn and grow and turn it into something they use to help others but as soon as you start projecting your issues onto me and sort of falling off the wagon it’s not okay

[@jans724]

Thank you for this video! This was a good description and spot on! So much bad and wrong information out there, but this was good. Very good to point out they are more common than we think (like 10 % or so) and that the covert is more common among women. I have the misfortune to 'co-parent' with a covert narcissist. Basically I have to protect my daughter from her covert narcissist mother. My experience is that there are a lot of psychopathic traits in the covert narcissist (but they need the supply unlike pure psychopaths). Also a good deal of sadism and paranoia. Very evil!! And very manipulative. I am amazed at how she can manipulate authorities, people, etc. and make them believe she is the victim, while she is totally devoid of empathy or a conscience. Guys, be very careful with women and check for any red flags for at least 18 months. Coverts are very good at deception. It's better to be alone than end up with a narc. And they are around 10 % of the female population, maybe more. Be careful with women organisations / women help organisations as well, there tends to be clusters of narcissists. I think the covert narcissist is among the purest form of evil you can encounter.

[@mountain10]

My son married one. It is truly DEVASTATING!!!!! I pray every day for him and my new grandson!!! Please help, Lord🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@nikiyoussef55]

you described my female ex friend psychopat sadist narc paranoiad

[@pinkrosessheila]

I was deeply betrayed by a covert narcissist who I thought was my best friend. She stabbed me in the back, lied to the other pastors and a pastor's wife about me (hubby was an unpaid assistant pastor at our church). They believed her and thought badly of me without verifying anything they were told. At a meeting with the other pastors and her, my husband and I were stripped of all our church positions and told to leave the church, as a result of all the unverified stories she told about me. 💔 She claimed to care for me but didn’t come after me or apologize for what had happened to me and my husband. No remorse. That episode crushed me and left me confused. What you just described here was her. A covert narcissist. Charming, always the victim, but really the perpetrator.

[@rivkaruthgolan]

That must have been so painful 😢

[@pinkrosessheila]

@rivkaruthgolan It was. I literally had PTSD for quite a while, and for many years afterward, trusted no-one to be close friends with. I've had a few very long medical and situational "time outs" since then (it will be 13 years on July 4th--yes, July 4th). During those isolated "time outs" I was able to safely unpack all that baggage privately with God and deal with it little by little. In the years since, I have read lots of articles and books, watched many KZbin videos, listened to podcasts, etc. These have given me words and concepts I didn't have before so I could properly process things and have a framework of reference. I am so grateful I've had these resources come my way. I've now healed enough that I can again open my heart and make friends at our new church. I love and celebrate who I'm becoming. I have emotional skills to ward off the bad stuff in people instead of getting sucked in.

[@CharMinsky]

It’s good you don’t fear Christianity. I struggle with how to work out my faith. I’m all in for evangelism. It’s me I’m at a loss on how to comfort and encourage. Thank you for sharing.

[@pinkrosessheila]

@charminsky5738 I have been able to separate the acts of people from God himself and the church at large. At the meeting where we were kicked out, I felt the Holy Spirit speak to my heart to just let it happen. I sensed there were demons in the room having sway over the other people involved. What was super painful at the time ended up being a blessing in disguise. It was disguised, all right. 🙄😉 For a long time, it was disguised. It was a long, hard road to process it and allow myself to be broken, chastened, and ultimately healed in the process as well. Hubby and I needed to be expunged from that toxic environment and toxic relationships. We would not have left of our own accord. So we were forced to move on. The original church we were at was Evangelical and kind of fundamentalist. I was becoming someone who was super judgey of others. It wasn't pretty. We have slowly evolved to realize who we are--fairly liberal believers. Ex-vangelicals. Each church we went to after getting kicked out was a stepping stone toward who we feel we truly are as believers and as people. We are now attending our third church since being kicked out (we left the other two on good terms, it was just time for us to move on), and feel like we finally found our tribe. Never thought we'd be Episcopalian, but here we are. 🤷‍♀️😊 I hope you are able to find the way faith and the church works for you. Sometimes it can be a long process. ❤️

[@beccabean5770]

​@@pinkrosessheilamy heart goes out to you. I am experiencing something very similar in church right now. A wolf in sheeps clothing covert narc betrayed me too. Turned my friends & church people against me, and tried to strip me of being able to serve. Church hurt is real, but I'm so glad God has walked you through healing. I know what you mean about being hesitant to make new girlfriends & trust.

[@kristinesanta6971]

This is spot on! Especially the part when the narc complains and as an empath, I want to help because I care and they really don't give a crap about you helping or even really care about you, for that matter! No one had ever mentioned that before in previous lectures. Thank you for the validation! ❤

[@christopherkaster3732]

It seriously took me many years and her leaving and me struggling to finally come across these videos and showing that my ex was 100% a covert narcissist. Their insecurities and seeing her relationship with her mom really made me want to give her the world, but it always felt like an uphill battle and I couldn’t understand why she would cheat and it made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough and wasn’t good enough. She then left me. It’s so hard to get past someone that would say to your face that they love you when it was all just to control you

[@mrsdashwood9700]

This is the BEST and clearest explanation I’ve ever heard and I’ve listened to videos on this topic quite a bit. Love your examples. Again, very clearly explained.

[@brandy4530]

The backhanded compliments, omg, they are almost funny to think about. I hadn’t been home to visit my mom in almost a year, and the first thing she said to me was, “Oh you look great. You haven’t gotten as fat as I thought you had when I saw your pictures on social media.” She can say it with a straight face, and totally dismiss any objection I have to being talked to that way. My feelings of being insulted just slide off of her like water on a duck’s back. But I can guarantee you, from personal experience, if anyone said anything even close to that to her, she would seethe about it for the next 20 years.

[@bellaluce7088]

You hit the nail on the head about their hypocrisy! That's the hole in their gaslighting that we can escape through. "But I can guarantee you, from personal experience, if anyone said anything even close to that to her, she would seethe about it for the next 20 years." TRUTH! 🤔🙄💡🤓✈🌈🌿❤😃

[@dahliafiend]

How about this one: he )the guy she slept with for five months while telling me she needed to work on herself). He was so much bigger than you the sex Was Really uncomfortable. Five months she drove two hours to another city to sleep with him. She said this to me as if was receiving wonderful compliment.

[@kmoreland3413]

Barbara i have honestly never seen a video that nails it as much as this one. The bit at the end about the dogs...i was already impressed but my jaw hit the floor. So accurate, i feel like maybe it's not in my head for the first time. Thank you

[@Lisa-x3n5x]

Thankyou for the bit about the dogs. That makes so much sense, but I've never seen it until you pointed it out.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

For those who’ve experienced this, it definitely resonates. I hope this was helpful!

[@patormsby9441]

This is really very helpful to me. I also note that I picked up the manipulative passive-aggression from the Big Narc (BN) in my life because in our house, stating a need openly was clearly unacceptable. It was a subtle, not stated, "how dare you think you have the right to ask for what you want!" What it came down to was the answer was always no, and I was to be grateful for how good I had things. So I learned how to let my needs be known in other ways. It took me a long time to overcome that and try asking, and I am still shy about it. And the dog that the BN had that I couldn't get along with! One day i noticed the BN egging the poor dog on to do something that would upset me. My reaction would make me the mean aggressor. The honest lesson I took from it was when an animal or person under someone else's dominance does something you do not like, don't get mad at the poor underling, but confront the controller. I took it to be normal human nature. To make a long story short, eventually I moved to Japan and stayed there.

[@Lyrielonwind]

I have the awful legacy of irony and sarcasm from a lifetime living with a cult-like narcissistic family. I also had to leave the city like a criminal. I need to take care of my "twisted sense of humour" which I use it to myself too in order to make things "lighter", easier to cope with. Take care 😊

[@etiquetteconnoisseur6184]

I remember being with a new friend, who seems to compete with me, in appearance. But the thing that turned me off, was how she treated a poor lady who approached us for money. She insulted the woman over and over and continued to criticize the woman afterwards. I couldn’t believe how cruel she could be. I decided to put a hold on getting close to this person.

[@arturoc8082]

That was a good choice cause i ignored how a covert treated poor people on the the street(people Who aproached to us) and payed de price

[@BeADad2447]

Most women are self centered, lying, cheating, nasty. Good luck finding a woman with the values women are supposed to have. I'm glad you are able to walk away! Most men are trapped with these psychotic women. Good luck to you.

[@KM-nq7ez]

BINGO

[@honestlyspeaking6849]

Yes yes yes!!! My friend always told me that I didn't have any empathy because ' You don't understand me' as she'd quote. And the thing is she would tell me how empathetic she is and I believed her until I wasn't sure anymore of how to describe or define her and her personality. I was confused because she's an animal lover and has cats and dogs as pet but when it comes to children she doesn't like them, as she'd put it ' children are annoying they're alway cry and whine '. And when it comes to people who for the lack of a better word belongs to lower grade job or lower in status she'd just act look upon them and show no respect and also avoid any form of communications, even if they help her she'd never acknowledge or appreciate or or just be cordial for their help, she treats them as commodity by just paying them back in cash, that's all.

[@lorimiller4301]

How a person treats someone who can't do anything for them, says everything.

[@pedrokarstguimaraes1096]

You’re very detail on that subject. I use to see Lise Leblanc, but you have a diferent approach, in relacional aspects. Bravo! I’ve been in 10 years of a dificult relation and I recognise all that you say.

[@susanlewis1875]

My sister is 3 yrs older than I am. For my whole life she was my goddess, my hero, my compass. My love for her was kill-for/die-for. Seriously. I was SIXTY before I recognized her narcissism. I made the mistake of calling out the way she was treating our dad and apparently unleashed the (formerly) covert narcissist. And for the last 14 years since then, I have lived in her crosshairs.

[@dylannaenzo9737]

Similar to my experience with two older sisters.... 4 and 8 years older, who treated me worse than my mother did, so I ignored them, growing up. It took me over 60 years to realize what they are..... me, Cinderella.

[@leonab545]

Ouch. I can spot a lot of them now, but not sure about my older sister yet. She is loved by all and loves buying things for people. She does have controlling tendencies and hates any remarks about what she does. One time I pointed out that she best not text so much while driving and the next few days of family reunion became toxic. I found everyone ganging up on me and she was the instigator. Funny thing is I was the one apologizing in the end! I could not believe myself later. I think now it was peer pressure and a need to be welcomed back into a group. I avoid all reunions now. She was all nice before saying our goodbyes and told me I should come visit, and not to be angry with her. So why should I be angry if according to her I was in the wrong? Now I have serious doubts about her.

[@susanlewis1875]

@@leonab545 After 18 yrs of marriage to one, plus a lifetime w/ my sister, 4 yrs in a work relationship, I've gotten pretty good at sniffing them out. My #1 lesson is to proceed slowly. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. I just assume everyone is a narc now. It doesn't make me a very fun person, but it prevents some grief. And I'm happily surprised when I'm wrong. Just remember: Covert narcs can take a lifetime to reveal themselves. Best of luck.

[@bellaluce7088]

​@@susanlewis1875 I'm so sorry you experienced that with your sister! (And husband and work relationship) It's chilling how they can switch so suddenly and reveal a completely different person. It's extra heartbreaking when it's someone you've loved so completely. : - ( I'm glad your narc detector is active now. Good wishes to you! : - )

[@susanlewis1875]

@@bellaluce7088 Thank you, my friend. Better safe than sorry. Peace to you.

[@smallchai]

This video help me a lot for making sure my mom is definitely a covert narcissist!!! I always felt she was kind oddly that made me so confused about her behaviour. I aware that she was fake empathy and see everyone is her extension....children just her property. When things go wrong she will think it comes from others problems but NOT herself, even though the facts shows the truth. She NEVER apologies to anyone or anything since I could remember. And she totally have no empathy at all!! She used to say that someone get depression is just they are too lazy and overthinking.🙄 But I know she can pretend to cry if she need....I saw her cried when my grandma died, she had tears on her face, but I KNOW it was fake (even though I was still a kid at the time). I knew she can cry but that just for showing to others, I can feel the tears is not from her heart. I learned so much from this channel, as a covert narcissist's child, I just wanted to get away from my mom as long as I can.🙄🙄🙄

[@Trueblue222]

Holy Cow ! This was like listening to a list of my wife’s behaviours and attitudes. Eyes now wide open. The final piece in the jigsaw being the information about their treating the dogs better than their partners. My wife values the dog way above and beyond me. Thank you , thanks you , thank you !

[@loricavallero5860]

Omg two narcissists I dated both showed more affection and attention to my dog than me! I'm so happy to hear you mention that!

[@timc2493]

You nailed it. Just ended one year relationship. She had all of these traits. Especially the part about dogs. She gave my dog more love than me. I treated her good. Twisted individual indeed. Slowly cut off her supply and she got very irritated and contemporaneous towards me. Watching her flirt with my friends and neighbors. Insidious. Called her out on her poor behaviors. She had tantrum and left. Not the first rage fit I had witnessed. Now I’m healing and thankful we didn’t live together or share assets.

[@ThreetwoOne-wu7ye]

And that i¨would be a narcisisist. for you somehow.? Healing from what?

[@moniquevanleeuwen6514]

I finally found out, after having a covert narcissist mother for 54 years that she is, in fact, a covert narcissist. So after a lifetime of mental abuse i can finally say: i now know what is wrong with her!! And more important: i can finally heal and see things for what they realy are and also know that it wasn’t me!!! Better late then never, right?! 🥳🎉

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Yes! Recovery and healing can happen at any age and it is so worth it. It is also so common for people not to realize this toll much later in life! I am sorry to hear it, yet I want to say how wonderful you are doing this work to heal! Wishing you all the best!

[@moniquevanleeuwen6514]

@@BarbaraHeffernan Thank you and i want to say thanx to all channels that talk about this for opening our eyes and making it possible for so many people to understand what they’re dealing with. It’s a true blessing!! 🙏🏻💜🕊️

[@Lyrielonwind]

​@@moniquevanleeuwen6514 I realized with 55. I think is quite common due to the gaslighting and because it's a hard pill to swallow.

[@moniquevanleeuwen6514]

@@Lyrielonwind True!!

[@alphaomega5721]

I hear you. Learned that my mom is a covert narc about a year ago. I'm 51. Hurt like hell because my dad died a few months ago and I'm a now self declared orphan. Next time I talk to my mom, it'll be to her ashes or her headstone. At least then I'll get heard ;-)

[@hidden909]

This is so well explained! I grew up with a narcissist father, who tormented me till his death 4 years ago. This is helping me understand and also deal with other narcissistic family members. Thanks

[@AvocadoRoyalty]

Thanks for the explanation of covert narcissism. My husband’s mother was a poster child for covert narcissism & he was toxically enmeshed with her & she lived to sabotage every single one of her son’s marriages & cause as much damage as she could possibly cause. I spent the first half of my marriage confused by everything because I didn’t know anything about covert narcissism & an added layer of abuse via my husband’s enmeshed relationship with his mother. Yes the dog is used as a weapon of sorts… an example of how they display their love on the dog but not necessarily because they love the dog so much but as a way to deprive you of their love & affection & it’s a way to rub it in your face that you don’t get their affection the dog is getting it. Covert mothers will create sibling rivalry by constantly pitting their children against one another & at the same time sugar coating this toxic relationships & especially the image that they display in front of the community. I am here to say that even after death of a covert narcissist mother it’s still not over, the massive amount of permanent damage done by her continues on through the toxic relationships among the survivors. In other words the patterns are ingrained & pathological & unfortunately in my husband’s family dynamics his older sister is a covert narcissist & in fact in my opinion worse than the mother. It’s so difficult dealing with these folks & it’s exhausting. The level of sneakiness of a covert narcissist is staggering & at levels that can never be imagined.

[@Heaux722]

They refuse to believe They do ANYTHING wrong YES it’s drained me as human being. I lost my self 😭

[@isaleal4597]

Same. I couldnt understand why someone would think it was ok to deny ANY wrong doing EVER

[@stronger3381]

Stay strong man. You will meet true and raw with Time take the lessons and keep.your head high

[@katherine947]

😢

[@reneegabriello564]

I lost myself in my marriage!

[@reneegabriello564]

My husband was always jealous of me and thought I was always cheating on him!

[@RANDassociatesinc]

I have an ex girlfriend who turned out to be a covert narcissist and just as you pointed out she was in love with her dogs and she in fact ran a very large pet rescue that specialized in dogs and she was very hesitant to ever deal with cats. And of course she painted herself as a pillar of the community while delivering all of the behaviors that you described oh so well.

[@staceygonzales7782]

This sounds like my sister.

[@SummerSun-sg3wf]

To me a sign is when they adopt children, huge amounts of children

[@ThreetwoOne-wu7ye]

Tired of reading non-sense. about my label.

[@RANDassociatesinc]

@@ThreetwoOne-wu7ye what do you mean? What label? What nonsense?

[@ThreetwoOne-wu7ye]

@@RANDassociatesinc Hi, didn't mean ttack you esspecially seeing that you seem nice. I picked you almost randomly on here. What is the topic of this video?

[@Minisynapse]

I had a male covert narcissist friend (I'm also a male). A lot of the abuse centered around feminising me. He always tried to make it seem (whenever I called them out on their behavior and how it made me feel bad) "like a woman", using terminology like "too sensitive" or "nagging". This is the tip of the iceberg, but I find it really interesting how much need there was to "demasculinize" me as their friend. It's almost like they are deeply misogynistic and tried to make me feel bad by making me feel like I'm more feminine than masculine, and that that's a "bad thing". He made it seem like my emotions were "too much" and I'm always creating drama. It's interesting because my friend's father was an alcoholic and had passed away at young age (he opened up about this trauma VERY early which I didn't back then recognize as a red flag). He had a history of cheating on his girlfriend, rivalry between some other person in his "scene" (I still don't understand what it was about), he lost friends along the way, one of which said my friend was gaslighting him and he succumbed to reactive abuse (he was violent towards my friend after being emotionally abused by him, I imagine). He lost some friends but at the end in the discard he projected hard and said "no wonder you lose friends all the time", or that "I don't have problems like these with anyone else", implying that my problems were "wrong" because no one else had a similar problem with him (my problem was his distancing and lack of communication despite not being open about any problems between us). It's a twisted world out there. Most humans are also (apologies for my language) fucking lost in their ways and life, and it's apparently difficult to be empathetic to others and realize that others have their own lives as well (you are not the only one who might be busy or has stuff going on that cause stress). I tolerated way too much because it was always made to seem like I'm the problem. I apologized incessantly, to the point where they got mad at me for apologizing (they literally said it's pissing them off that I apologize). Well, that was when I snapped into reality. I realized they never apologize and that I also always apologize despite being the one to bring up an issue in THEIR behavior and its impact on MY emotions. This was the sole source of all our arguments and disputations. If only they didn't succumb to emotional abuse, we could be still friends. But someone who is never accountable cannot be in an intimate relationship/friendship with a person who is assertive and has boundaries. Trying to control someone who is in charge of their own life is doomed to fail, and thus we have the outcome: we are no longer friends and I've removed them from my life and all social media. I'm sure my friend feels 100% justified in all their actions and is 100% convinced that they are the victim and I'm the problem.

[@julest5767]

and you can take out the "almost like" before the "he was misogynistic" Good for you for getting out!

[@boperez2841]

Damn what an awful friend that was actual your enemy I am proud of you for standing up for you and being you. You win yourself

[@arkan324]

Nagging as I understand it refers to complaining about minor things that don't have negative consequences if delayed and/or left alone to resolve on their own. Feelings are your own, so it's not neutral viewpoint. What kind of things did he do? I'm trying to figure out the behavior of someone I had to break up with.

[@lysabelle3990]

A lot of male narcissist coping mechanisms are morally wrong like cheating, and they try to hide behind misogyny as a way to feel like they are not lacking character and morals. It is the idea that "all men cheat" or if you treat women like people you are somehow less than a man, or beta. You being a man of character and calling their behavior out, ruins their smoke screen of trying to act as if they are not morally bankrupt, weak,and lack character. So instead of acknowledging that they are the weak ones that lack the control a man with character would have, they instead project it onto you.

[@lysabelle3990]

Covert females do the samething when another female gets attention they want. When I was younger you could tell by they commenting on a girl minding her own business but being noticed by men as " she thinks she's cute" comments smh.

[@markblaze4909]

Hi, I have a lot of experience with narcissism from my father and I just want to say this is one of the better videos I’ve ever seen. I’ll try to watch some others that you created. Thank you.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Sorry to hear these apply to you, but -thank you for taking the time to send a kind comment! I hope it is helpful!

[@s.a.m4482]

First my mother & now my husband, it’s absolutely confusing & exhausting & a real mind game!!’

[@BigRigGlass]

I just ended a relationship with the most confusing person I’ve ever met in my life. After listening to this video I almost cried and laughed at the same time because I knew all of this wasn’t right and over two and a half years of questioning only to be told I was just being “high maintenance” I realized in the end this is exactly what she is. She was so kind and sweet and quiet in the beginning, then gradually became very dramatic around her animals, screaming and raging with temper tantrums almost daily. She claimed she had counseling at one point for destructive rage and that she’s better now. She has constant nightmares that made me wonder what had happened to her to cause this. She blamed her father who adopted her. By the way this same woman owns four dogs, seven cats and around fifty chickens all of which are pets. In the end I went onto her social media and found out she was pretending to be alone and single the whole time we were together. She pursued ME on Facebook. When we met, she claimed to have a business and worked on the side as a ranch foreman. For the past two years I supported her financially because she wouldn’t work, only stayed home and tinkered around with her animals and smoked weed. She claims she’s a genius and she’s an introvert who “ghosted” everyone in her life except her social media fantasy friends. I’m so relieved I finally made the exit. I only stayed with her for as long as I did because I felt sorry for her, I still do, but now I realize she never cared for me like she pretended to in the beginning. I feel like such a fool, but I’m going to recover and rebuild my life with safeguard. Trusting myself to make a better decision in the future concerning relationships will be the true test and hopefully I pass with flying colors. Thank you for clarifying what I thought I already knew about this person.

[@CrazyEggs123456789]

You can heal from this. You got this!

[@BigRigGlass]

@@CrazyEggs123456789 thank you! I appreciate your positive vibes. I’m on the fifth month and I’m much better than I was when I posted this comment. She’s definitely left a lasting impression.

[@WhiteRabbitProphecies]

Been there and done that with my Narc brother and mother and flying monkeys. I was bewildered from 2017 2021. Then I began to rebuild from the lost money and attempt on my life and my wife too. Brakes went out on the way to Toronto after a bad loan with my Sociopath Narc brother that we felt sorry for after his divorce and took in. Now, I study this behavioural Science as a hobbie. EDUCATE constatly as you heal and then .....BE a good gate keeper... If another gets in back out immedietly and run.

[@justlivinglife465]

Great video, I love your examples - they’re true to life and recognisable. Sometimes people don’t really give examples, or they just waffle on endlessly. This is so clear and helpful 😊

[@shelleyboggs]

The confusion you experience while with a covert narcissist is indescribable. I've had boyfriends that were abusive but it's just so different. CN are so convincing that not only will the things they do break your heart but it completely throws u off because it's something u can't even picture them doing. If that makes sense. They make u believe they are a certain kind of person not capable of doing the things that your ex's did or what would hurt u most. That's what's so confusing then they blame u somehow because it's always your fault. I have been with a covert narcissist for 10yrs. No matter how many times I have been through the cycle or seen him rage I still can't picture it when he is love bombing me. Its the craziest thing. I guess everyone is different but for me the constant state of confusion is the absolute worst and most abusive part. But there are plenty other ways they abuse their partners… Withholding and silent treatment. You feel like your going to explode inside. Mine does this so I freak out and then he can blame me for the argument. Physically abusive. When a CN feels trapped they will do anything they can to regain that power and control. Or take something from you what u won't give them. Sexually abusive. Blaming u for watching porn, sex shaming u, withholding sex, having sex with u while your asleep. Blaming you for everything. Blaming you for having to blame you! Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Barryinvestigation@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...

[@Jenny-uv4dl]

Sex with you will YOUR ASLLEP ( NOT ABLE TO CONSENT) IS RAPE yes a partner can & does rape your body knows it is rape I've been there I confronted the person multiple times and they laughed I was their wife I had no where to go WHT WAS I GOING TO DO??? I'm not in tht situation now but it sounds like the person is thts bad I feel for you deeply seek help almost anything is better then constant screaming and then the you don't exist treatment then the RAPE a studio is better then where you are you need peace your soul is tired I wish you nothing but calmness in the future

[@sViviftie]

I've had a covert narcissist friend whom I've had a crush on. It's scary how much it sounds like you're talking about him directly, like you knew him personally the way that I did.

[@chriswassil]

If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck..YOU BETTER RUNNNNN AND RUN FAR AND FAST!! Save yourself a lifetime of hurt..USE YOUR HEAD AND NOT YOUR HEART!!

[@TimBadger-w7d]

I’m actually now in tears because I realise what she’s been doing to me for so many years. I feel utterly destroyed.

[@BluePatriotWinner]

😢