Enmeshment (What it is and why it is a problem)

In enmeshed relationships, boundaries are blurry, unclear, "trapped." This video explains enmeshment and discusses why it is a problem. Enmeshment makes it difficult for people to individuate and often leads to cut-off.
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00:00 Introduction
00:52 Definition of enmeshment
05:05 When someone tries to set healthy boundaries
07:22 Difference between enmeshed and close-knit
09:12 8 Problems that come from enmeshed families
13:23 What to do about it
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[@gojiberry7201]

My family's 10 rules: 1) Mom is perfect and must not be questioned. 2) Mom's image is more important than your well being. 3) If Mom's upset, you need to change yourself to make her happy. 4) Always obey Mom IMMEDIATELY. 5) If Mom's upset, it's because of something you did. 6) Never lock Mom out, even if you're going to the bathroom. 7) Always call Mom constantly because otherwise she'll worry. 8) Don't do anything that makes Mom scared. 9) Never leave Mom. 10) Don't talk about feelings or be honest. EVER. Leave your life in silence. That keeps Mom content.

[@gojiberry7201]

@@sirrantsalott Sounds accurate. My mother even told me that just because something is true doesn't mean we should talk about it. I want to be my authentic self, and that is the biggest threat to her

[@augustacookeygam5579]

Similar to mine

[@MJ-qb5ph]

My god this is freakishly accurate - repulsive when seen as a list

[@gojiberry7201]

@@MJ-qb5ph Yes, it is ☹

[@jeannined7532]

Wow, I thought my mom was unique about barging into bathroom, bedroom, etc. Your rules were the rules in my home too.

[@butterflygirl3359]

I dated a guy in an enmeshed family and it was hell. It was all about control, no boundaries, interference and nosiness. No one in the family supported each other but they wouldn’t leave each other alone either. They weren’t close they were creepy and clannish.

[@Rkginvincible]

You mean whole of India ?

[@theotherpen15]

Coming from one myself and still trying to break out that part about support is a biggie. They'll talk endlessly about love and support but never ACTUALLY support or love you in genuine ways, even for small stuff like just listening to how you feel. Even if it's not about them

[@glitchbanana]

​@@theotherpen15 You described my entire family in a nutshell

[@embluk1084]

I had to endure this as well with my last gf, her family were all enmeshed, especially her mum with my gf. It was challenging and exhausting, it ended up ruining our relationship and she broke up with me because, her mum threatened to cut her out the family if she moved out with me.

[@dutchmaster1999]

how is your realtionship now?

[@dvssss7372]

I got mocked for setting boundries and then I was met with anger and ghosting for sticking up for myself and sticking to my boundries. I get made fun of a lot by my mother and I see now she was uncomfortable with my autonomy. I wish I had a healthy family dynamic but I wasn't afforded that in this lifetime. All I can do is work on me and give my children a healthy environment and celebrate their uniqueness.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Completely agree with your conclusion! We can change these inter generational patterns with awarenesss. So sorry you had to go through that though. The video I’m releasing today is about narcissism in a mom - you might want to check it out.

[@Rkginvincible]

Thankyou Barbara for this informative video. I live in the most populous country in the world with rigid social norms and almost everyone is married in enmeshed families. My much elder sisters are married in abusive families. I am 28 and wish to move to a developed country pursuing psychology. Would you recommend?

[@deannatow9175]

Me too-I have to set boundaries in my husband family and I'm looked at as a troublemaker. To his credit he backs me up. The truth is...I don't give a crap what they think. HE is my significant other, not them

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Good for you and him. Hearing this helps me know more about normal v undermining

[@bruh-ch3hb]

9:51 this really hit home 😭 I've never heard anything more relatable. It perfectly describes how it feels EVERY time. Every time I share anything with them, I get unwanted criticism and judgment, and every time I tell myself that I'm never gonna share again. And then they ask me why I am always silent and not talkative..... they're clueless

[@Rob9mm]

I call them scanners. Always scanning for info to use against you!

[@bruh-ch3hb]

@@Rob9mm yes, that's a good way to describe it!

[@no-oneinparticular1256]

Oh my gosh I thought only my mom did that! It’s so confusing isn’t it?

[@user-cb7iu1oe7k]

So so true

[@irme8930]

I come from an enmeshed family and my mother never let me go out or have boyfriends. Now I'm over 30 and I don't have kids and she cries cause she's not a grandma.

[@kirstinstrand6292]

They expect you to stay and take care of them in their old age. 40 is still young; perhaps you can separate from them? Nothing for you wanting more 9:30 for yourself? I, too, was from a similar family - I rebelled. I'm sorry. Lots of help on the internet...get unstuck. ❤

[@sannajohanna5579]

I can relate to you! I am 58 and been in no-contact for about two years. I start to see the light. But, they destroyed my relationship with my daughter. I was not aware enough when I was a young mother and let them take care of her. Now she is 31 years old. I had once a wonderful relationship with her.

[@peacenlove]

Same here😢

[@CaitlinWoodstock]

I was adopted by a woman who sounds a lot like your mom. I am in the process of getting her out of my life for good. It is so hard but I understand my feelings of guilt and shame were planted by her years ago and I remind myself that having very firm boundaries is the only way she can remain in my life. She is rejecting these boundaries as unacceptable but thankfully I’m healed enough to say, “Too bad so sad. Sorry the daughter you purchased from that South American orphanage didn’t end up being the docile servile extension of you that you’d thought you’d contracted into housing. Enjoy dying alone in a nursing home ☺️.”

[@billydiaz7280]

Just keep saying "I love you, you're hot" to yourself in the mirror. I swear.

[@wheathusk2499]

My husbands family is enmeshed. There is alcoholism, high functioning, trauma, emotional abuse, dv everything in the mix n I found out the hard way that you can't love the trauma out of a person before they literally destroy you.

[@dutchmaster1999]

how did this affect your relationship?

[@steviecrow914]

Enmeshed families operate a lot like cults. I’ve been in companies that operate like this too. Super unhealthy and creates a massive waste of potential, lost dreams, bad health… lots of downside.

[@StephenJones_901]

I would really just like to say thank you for posting this video. My wife of 10 years and I just separated because she decided at age 39 that she wants to move back home and live with her parents. She had her own career which she was great at. We had a beautiful house in a VERY nice neighborhood in Charlotte, NC. She had her own friends, her own husband(me), her own life. She gave all of that up to move back home, to Maine, and live in her parents spare bedroom. We've been separated for since March, and I still struggle with what could've possibly been going on in her mind that led her to make this decision. Now it makes complete sense after watching this video. Her family is completely enmeshed with each other.

[@usualsuspects42]

@stephenjones1936 Hold out for her. You don't understand, no one does outside of these specific therapists what enmeshment is. Your wife is powerless. Think of her family like a bunch of vampires she was born into. Think about the subtle ways they let her know having her own husband and home was so wrong and bad, that she owes them, that they need her now so she should stop playing house with you and come home where she belongs, where she is needed, where they will fall apart in some way if she doesn't come and be with them. Unless you had other problems that ruined your relationship, she still loves you, she just doesn't think she gets to have you. And losing her parents love, the guilt they can inflict. I can't describe it to you any better here, but I lived it, I'm living it, I am trying desperately to break free. What you've described I recognize. Stay in touch by phone, don't criticsize the parents, let her know it's ok if she stays there for now. I would say get counseling yourself about this so you know better how to deal with her. and how you may be able to help her escape the prison she is in, in her own mind, that is reinforced constantly by them. I hope for that for you but especially for her. Poor woman. I understand. It breaks my heart.

[@StephenJones_901]

@@usualsuspects42 I've been in counseling for a long time, dealing with my situation. My counselor is the one who taught me all about enmeshment. My wife unfortunately has become so enveloped in her family that she has lost all sense of herself. She doesn't make a move without her mother and her twin sister's approval. I tried to stand by her, but we have now cut off all contact with each other. I truly hope that she can one day get help and escape the almost cult like atmosphere of her family. I however, have to move on with my own life.

[@isonation.]

As a victim and scapegoat of a covert narc wife with and enmeshed narc MIL in an enmeshed family system - there is no way to break to bonds of steel and marriage sabotage of an enmeshed family. If you try to set healthy boundaries you are seen as a threat to their dominance and you’ll be going it alone without your spouse’s support. I’m glad this video is not the typical one that is gender specific to men. My wife is now divorcing me due to her narc MIL saying I’m trying to keep them apart rather than accept any boundaries to her pattern of domineering behavior in my home and private manipulation of my enmeshed wife behind my back. In narc MIL’s toxic mind her daughter is an extension of herself and my belongings are thought of as the MIL’s to do with as she pleases as well. My wife privately say she likes MIL’s furniture rearranging. This was normalized to my wife as me being particular about “my” things which my enmeshed spouse agreed with her mother. When I was hit multiple times by my spouse, MIL said I needed therapy to learn how to treat her right. My attempts at autonomy were futile and attacked in a lie filled, vicious FB smear campaign that my spouse initiated. I see the enmeshment for what it is but my wife is blind to it and easily manipulated out of fear of losing her mother’s conditional love. I just wish I hadn’t wasted 15 years of my life with my enmeshed spouse. I married an enmeshed wife without meeting her parents. They live 1,000 miles away and I had no idea the toxic influence they could exert over my spouse. During every individual extended house visit her divorced mother and father had no boundaries and were bullying and disrespectful towards me. When I tried to assert health boundaries my spouse pretended to support me but privately undermined me and took her mother’s manipulative side. There is no way to have a healthy relationship with a spouse who is actually married to their mother and family.

[@bondifiedshawty]

Omg this is my family. 28 years old not allowed to go out with my boyfriend and my family all shamed me & spoke badly of me when I started to do my own thing.:…OMG

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

☹ Sorry to hear that! It really does seem to cause needless pain when families get stuck in their "one right way"

[@dm7232]

Get out now!

[@torreygreen6794]

Wow! You just described my entire family: the family I was born into and my parents' families. There was so much dysfunction, talking about each other behind backs, entire groups of relatives icing out others because one person was angry at another, screaming confrontations, and other dysfunction. I'm gay and effeminate so I never fit into my conservative, religious extended family and I've separated myself from most of my relatives due to their toxic natures. Your videos are helping me learn so much about myself, my life, and other people. It's interesting how all human beings behave in predictable ways that can be explained and understood.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Yes, I totally agree! So pleased my videos are helpful. WIshing you all the best!

[@SpectrumOfChange]

Sorry about the family :/ I hope you have found new fam :)

[@michaeljones5637]

Eye opening. I come from an enmeshed family - 10000000%

[@Desmondbrown73]

If you’re gay that means you were sexually abused by somebody in your family.

[@naomigore1642]

I completely get this 💯. There was nothing loving it was a suffocating, jealous and I was often pretending although being the youngest and like an only child it confused me, I couldn’t go with it, I could see it for what was. my mother had control but to be fair she didn’t make anyone feel less than. but my older 3 sisters competed all the way. My mother was very much open and supportive if we did what our therapy told us to tell her. I thought it would be awful but really it was my eldest sisters’ fears that had us up to 90 all the time thinking my mother was the problem. When in fact my mother felt suffocated with all the competing and toxic energy, but didn’t want to offend anyone. She was a gentle lady. My sisters were very complicated. They were born a year apart I came 7 years later. I could see the dynamic in 5 mins. My mother loved unconditionally but they imagined it was conditional. It was hard for her to satisfy everyone. She suffered the most trying to maintain status quo. It also made my mum say to me -be yourself and if you need to move further away, do you. You shine too bright and they can’t help but try to bring you down as I am a heyoka empath and so was she, so she knew the only way I could thrive was by staying away from the negativity. I know my mother died trying to appease everyone and thats just not impossible but she didn’t have strong boundaries but tried to teach me. Bless her. I am still learning. It’s taken countless lifetimes but I am finally beginning to master it. They were my teachers.I send them love distantly but refuse to accept them in my life. Remember people are either a lesson or a blessing. Both are very important. So be grateful and leave them be themselves. And when it turns full circle we can open up out hearts to each other. Blessings ❤😮

[@deec411]

I don't even know who I am and I'm 59. I became a nurse because my aunt was one and I got approval for the first time in my life from my parents!! 😢 I never felt comfortable or confident as a nurse and am realizing that and admitting it that for the first time!!

[@usualsuspects42]

@deec411 wonderful that you are admitting it! It's real! And don't dwell on your age, some people go to their graves never realizing what you have realized and are admitting to yourself now. You just put one foot on the path to finding yourself and if you follow it, you have the chance of finding yourself, what you actually like and would like to do, it takes time but it's so worth it.

[@susanmoore7369]

I can totally relate. Same age, same feeling. It’s scary.

[@deec411]

@@usualsuspects42 Thank you so much for your kind, encouraging words 🤗 God Bless 🙏🏻✨🙏🏻✨

[@karengarcia-jp5ye]

Half the healing is in the knowing. Let it wash over you and inspire steps in a new direction, it's never too late ❤

[@deec411]

@@karengarcia-jp5ye Thank you so much for your kind words ❤️ God Bless 🙏🏻

[@MyDuckSaysFucc]

I refused to conform and became the scapegoat. Now whenever I try to talk to my sibling about family problems, he immediately tells me I’m the problem and not the actual problem (my mom’s controlling and immature behavior)

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

So sorry to hear that, but I hope these videos are helpful... I released one on the Scapegoat role earlier this week. Wishing you the best,

[@user-em9ce2vo4k]

Me too

[@HillbillyYEEHAA]

If you were to leave that family dynamic, your mum will redirect that energy she gave you to someone else. Then you'll siblings will see it. Me and my sister often swapped roles, used against each other ect Yet she's still very enmeshed with my mother . Thinks all kinds of bs

[@Candy_Mountain]

Being married into this is a nightmare

[@comentadoraification]

I confirm. I had to escape. And I never looked back.

[@Desmondbrown73]

Yep, just got out of this about eight months ago, but ended up with another woman who is also in enmeshed with her son.. it’s honestly fucking crazy. I just can’t escape it.

[@qwashaeboutique7301]

@@Desmondbrown73 pray and fast to break that generational curse that’s why you’re running into the same people. Jesus is a healer and a Deliver. Pray for deliverance.

[@dutchmaster1999]

explain?

[@qwashaeboutique7301]

⁠@@dutchmaster1999 Okay, when you keep dating different people, but you are still dealing with the same issue for example, like you mentioned dating another enmeshed person and how you can’t escape that. That is called a Familiar Spirit. That spirit is meant to keep you in a demonic cycle. If you look closer some of your family members have also dated or married enmeshed people. That is a generational curse. The enemy is attacking you and your family members in the area of relationships. To break that curse you have to pray to Jesus and go on a Fast so that demonic spirit is broken off of you and your family lineage. To fast you can give up something that you cherish or certain foods. You may want to give up sweets for a fast or eat only fruits and vegetables during a fast or give up meat, or social media etc. Just pick one and you then decide how long you will do your fast it could be for 3 days or 40 days etc. Then you read the Bible, you want to say scriptures like No weapon formed against me shall prosper. You can read scriptures about Deliverance or say this scripture, “Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the World.” Pray and renounce and denounce all covenants that came into you and your lineage having this tormenting spirit attack you through dating enmeshed, unavailable people. Ask Jesus to Deliver you and them and to break this cycle. During the fast pray worship music. When you fast you cannot tell anyone you are fasting unless someone is fasting with you but it is done in secret for God. Look up the scripture on fasting in the Bible. Remember Narcissists are demonic spirits that possess the person who is the narcissist and then the enmeshed person is dealing with demonic oppression. The enmeshed person is listening and obeying those demonic spirits. So they have to fast and pray that the demons of oppression leave them. The Bible says that some unclean spirits only come out through prayer and fasting. You can also watch a sermons online about that. Try Joel Osteen sermon called Swing Your Sword. Enmeshment and Narcissism is Spiritual warfare.and Enmeshed people can heal through obedience to Jesus and praying and fasting. The Narcissist has to truly become a Born Again Christian and follow and obey Jesus for their healing and deliverance. I know this will help. Pray, Fast, Praise, and Worship the Lord. God is with you. Just come out of agreement with assignment of the enemy. Someone in your family line came into agreement with that. You just pray and say Heavenly Father Almighty Creator I Rebuke that demonic assignment and cancel the plans of the enemy in Jesus Name. Amen John 3:16

[@dw3213]

Enmeshment can be cultural as well. Protecting the family name or bringing shame to the family are often phrases used in some cultures.

[@AB.926]

Exactly the kind of excuse abusive families use. Typical gaslighting behaviour

[@CaitlinWoodstock]

This is my adoptive mother to the letter. After a decade of therapy I’m finally breaking free of her. I feel sad because I know her crippling anxiety and fear of being alone is going to manifest into reality. I used to feel guilty about this but no more. After a childhood of physical, emotional, and psychological abuse and after VERY extensive treatment, I’m finally back understanding that whatever befalls her, she has created. I don’t have to wait for her to die to be free… I get to be free now. Thank you for the video.

[@lilred00051]

I have never seen someone else describe my situation so perfectly. My mom has borderline personality disorder and she adopted me when I was 9 days old. My parents divorced a few years later and eventually she cut everyone off but me. She would tell me I was the only person she needed in her life, she truly felt nothing for anyone else. She would also tell me she'd kill herself if anything happened to me. Since I was an only child, I would fulfil both golden child and scapegoat roles. Individualistic behavior was ruthlessly stomped out. I finally moved across the country and then a few years later I went no contact. She will now suffer a horrible fate of her own and like your mother , will reap what she sowed. I didn't get out easy either. I've never been married and no kids due to this toxic environment. I hope it's not too late for me. Take care and thanks again for your post.

[@iamchannelll]

One doesn’t walk away from the family system, without truly removing the programming from within oneself, which is to do with the family system

[@amyj.4992]

This is EXACTLY, why my family lives far away from each other. We ain't got time for that. We get along better, not being up in each other business. Especially to put distance, between messy ass family members

[@LuvJJ_1814]

I feel sick just watching this helpful, but painful video. I've lived in a narcissistic (mother and older sibling) and hyper enmeshed family my entire life. I just decided to go no contact 2 years ago from my immediate family. Toughest decision of my life. I'm at a processing stage that causes me anxiety and times where I literally want to vomit just thinking about the years of manipulation. On my road to recovery and freedom. Either way, thank you for your video. You are doing a great service for so many people. You are appreciated.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

So sorry you lived with all of that, and how wonderful that you are processing through it to heal! thanks for letting me know my videos are helpful and I wish you all the best!

[@gojiberry7201]

I just went no contact with my narcissistic family unit (mother dominated). It is horrifying. It is just horrifying.

[@LuvJJ_1814]

@@gojiberry7201 It can be horrific. I agree. I hope you find peace in ur decision like I have. Like I said, it was a difficult decision for me to go no contact with my family, but I had to do it in order to emotionally survive. Wishing u better days ahead.

[@gojiberry7201]

@@LuvJJ_1814Thank you, I think I am still in the "crisis" or "detox' stage where it feels like none of this can be real, and my whole life has fallen apart -- just trying to survive. Fortunately, I have a team of professionals to help me. It's just going to take time, and some days are worse than others ☹

[@yvonne3903]

I went no contact with my family a couple of years ago. The worst part was plucking up the courage, it's been a good decision. Much more peaceful, no more drama or being blamed for all sorts and the complete lack of things coming out of the woodwork that were never a problem until they were.

[@officerfarva3666]

I remember when my then fiancé and I found an apartment so we could move out of his narcissistic sister’s inherited house. We were just getting on our feet again and she nit picked the apartment over stupid things. but what got me was how she nit picked. When my fiancé said he was ok with taking laundry to the laundromat for a while since the apartment didn’t have a wash room for hook ups, she said “that’s going to get old fast, you don’t like that. You want a place with a wash machine in it.” Or another example was when he said he was looking for a job away from her residence and she said “you don’t want to do that. You want to stay where you can just relax and not worry about anything, just stay here. You don’t want to do that kind of work and go out on your own. That’s just silly when you can stay here with me.” Weird stuff like that completely shut him down and took his individuality and his voice away completely. Never mind sabotaged and destroyed his goals and dreams.

[@cirella1064]

I feel ill watching this….I didnt know this was a thing. Im 43. Thank you for this knowledge.

[@birthinfluenceembrace]

This really hits it spot on. I come from a family with a covert narc mom , flying monkey siblings and severe enmeshment particularly with Catholic ways and upbringing. As I awakened to healing ,I continue to heal myself from all this ❤

[@lysafisk7123]

My family aren't close. In fact, as adults, we can't stand each other. It would never have occurred to me to think we were "enmeshed" as far apart as we were, but damned if this does not describe what I grew up with and was always rebelling against! THIS is what they were protecting by treating me as they did? Okay!!!!!

[@stacybeck2904]

I really appreciate that you clarified that there are degrees of enmeshment. I am seeing now that they’re definitely was some parentification and enmeshment in my family. It is not in every situation, but it is there. We were very much encouraged to have our own dreams, set goals, and be our own person. For me though I became a caretaker of the family’s emotions, particularly my mom’s. Looking at it I feel there is healthy closeness in my family, but then it blurs into enmeshment. You’re the only one I’ve heard so far that clarified that there can be degrees of it. I’m learning a lot about the proper way to look at and implement boundary setting. Thank you so much!

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

I can totally relate to this, I went no contact with family because they gossiped against me for not being a part of their clique. They are rude mean people who rage when anyone disagrees with them so I have removed myself as much as I am able. I do not enjoy bio family but love my Christian family, they act out of love and kindness. The enmeshed family system punishes over the silliest things and even gossips lies about me to keep others disliking me. No one knows anything about me but they like to pretend they do.

[@MichaelaH2059]

This is very interesting. It sounds like this would go hand-in-hand with a narcissistic mother or narcissistic father.

[@TheCanceledChristian]

I always knew something was off. I love my family, but I am the only one who moved away and has always commented how we seem too close and dependent on each other. I 100% was made fun of when I got the courage to make boundaries. Thankfully my family has finally accepted my boundaries and I can see them for visits here and there

[@reineelewis2247]

I really appreciate the part about you saying "You don't need to telling people about what your researching" and I understand that 4 years of my Mum being in another country after I was given the choice at the age of 8 at court to decide which parent and country I wanted to be in has really clouded the vision of who I am and how I perceive the world and although I love my Mum I fear her reading this comment just the same as how I feared how my father would perceive me after he found out I used social media to vent about being left home alone with no food, gas and electric. Writing this small piece really has me thinking that I honestly don't get to fully feel who I am.

[@lifewithmargot]

Wow I’ve never heard such a great explanation and clear comparison between a healthy close family and an unhealthy enmeshed one 🙏💗🙏💗

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

So glad this resonated for you. Thanks for letting me know!

[@neiladamstt]

@@BarbaraHeffernan `waw u hit the nail...thank you

[@annastone5624]

It’s pretty reasonable to say the world out there isn’t safe.. I’d LOVE to see or hear of ANY genuinely safe workplace or friendship group.

[@yvonne3903]

Each time the fear and anxiety comes up in you, tell yourself this isn't mine it belongs to my mother and shut it out. I had the same thing going on, I didn't feel it in myself but lots of people were asking why are you anxious especially when I got sick, doctor diagnosed me with anxiety disorder but I know I'm not anxious. Realised that my mother is anxious about absolutely everything. Its a form of mirroring, thats my take on it, so shut it out, you'll eventually feel the difference.

[@Nat-lg2ks]

The movie “tangled” gives a pretty clear picture of a bad case of enmeshment

[@bethhendrickson4233]

wow!🤯 this explains ALOT!! I have been wondering lately wht this families problem is.... my mother is head and everyone brainwashed to follow her beliefs. i am only one to step out and follow my own tune. they think I am incompatent and the like.

[@nfc598]

I'm 24. I've been planning on moving out with my boyfriend for a few months now. My mom recently found out and accused me of being selfish and disrespectful for wanting to move out. She says I haven't been working hard enough to actually be able to move out so it's "random" for me to want to.

[@florencia2771]

If you pay bills like rent, give her a heads up so she’s prepared to pay on her own.

[@camellia8625]

This is a great video - so true about not sharing what you are excited about or your future plans with family members with such issues.

[@ChillPill365]

One of the biggest mistakes I ever made was breaking no contact with my parents. It was during covid and I was on the verge of homelessness. A private investigator reached out and told me that my mother wanted me to know that she loves me and worries about me and that she just wants to talk to me. It wore on me for months. Finally I caved in and reached out to my dad. 4 years later and my life is total hell and I’m just trying to rebuild it.

[@honemartin509]

I grew up in a mormon household and my mothers side of the family was abusive and dysfunctional this explains a lot

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Sorry to hear that 😢 but pleased this helps explain. Understanding can be an important step in healing.

[@lesleygarvs4640]

This is my very, main problem in my cptsd... Besides being almost always very tired, as a consequence of too much enmeshment... Now with i realize how much i allow other people to enmesh, out of fear of rejection, or that they think i am hiding something. Or I don t know if this type of reaction is my intuition warning me about red flags of real narcissists or toxic people. As everyone is different, is hard to deal with different people as you don t know what to expect. And of course settling limits with others is important. Yet many times, abusors or possible abusors won t like to respect. So, sometimes you don t know where to start. More with strangers, or for new jobs and so

[@tinas1629]

My mother. Ugh. Her life is always in crisis. She's 77 now. I'm the oldest daughter. I was raised this way... to be the problem solver... the rescuer. It did not serve me well throughout my life. I went to therapy. I was embarrassed to admit I didn't know what healthy boundaries were. I always have to keep distance between me and my mother because she continues to try to drag me back in. She dumps her problems and emotions... I have to cut her off. Then I find my myself being angry. It's a very messed up cycle.

[@lisaleo729]

enmeshment can make adults behave inappropriately especially if there are no boundaries

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Agreed.

[@tessellatiaartilery8197]

Great explanation and insights. And I really like your presentation style. It's friendly but professional, inspires confidence. Also you have a lovely speaking voice. Thank you very much.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thank you so much for your kind words!

[@novalee4650]

This is the family I’m from. They have no idea. It’s very toxic to live in.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Sorry to hear that. They may never have an idea... but recovery and happiness can still be possible for you! I hope you feel that!

[@gwenjohn8673]

This is my boyfriends family. He literally takes his moms calls while we are having sex. He did not even think it was odd till I pointed it out.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Wow. I hope he changed that habit!!

[@yvonne3903]

That's weird. Be careful.

[@jasonfanclub4267]

Wow

[@bianca4829]

Oh lord

[@gwenjohn8673]

@@BarbaraHeffernanhe has changed, but the enmeshment was so bad, I moved out, got my own place, and told him I can't do holidays with his family. This caused a huge back lash of passive aggressive behavior from his family, such as sabotage. He's worked on himself but I think this problem is bigger than he understands. I am an individual and it doesn't work in his family. They are clannish and I am on the one who is in the way. I feel bad for him but I can't fix this!

[@Ms1Mina]

This is how I grew up! WOW. Explains so much!

[@KoolT]

Set those boundaries ❤❤❤

[@wtfhappened1965]

I just broke up with my girlfriend. Her and her family dealings made me come across enmeshment online. Turns out she's narcissistic and has been devaluing our relationship while her and her son been having a unnatural relationship. Not only living together but taking extra time to be alone together when it should have been with me. I believe he sleeps with her at night. Been paying more attention over a year. I was with her over a year before his ass moved in. They seem very close like husband and wife. I no longer was needed

[@BobbiGail]

Sounds like you have made a good decision here. Run far... and fast.

[@MargauxNeedler]

& if i'm on the autism spectrum then enmeshment is what has made socializing even more difficult.

[@edna_ke]

This is the best have come across 🥰🥰

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Why thank you! Thanks for letting me know. And I hope this is helpful!

[@bruh-ch3hb]

This is a VERT insightful and, I'd say, mind-blowing video, thank you!❤️🙏

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You are so welcome!

[@Portia620]

I think the best thing to do is define would’ve boundary is because those can be abused by people as well. There’s different types of boundaries there’s emotional.

[@LimitlessThinker]

Learning the No Contact rule or learning to grey rock is the only way to find a way to self-care.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Grey rock is a good idea. No contact sometimes needed, but as I said in this it usually doesn’t reflect a healing from enmeshment. I also think it is possible to develop a stronger sense of self and emotional boundaries so no contact isn’t necessary… but we do all have to find what works for each of us, right? Thanks for sharing!

[@jake90009]

I hate enmeshed family systems. Lots of covert narcissists with VERY poor boundaries. My dad lured me to his house 4 years ago when I was 18 and trapped me until 1 month ago. Thought I was free from narcissism but my sister lured me by trauma bonding about my dad and stepmom. I realize now it was just a control battle between my dad and sister. She really got me though and is trying to enmesh me with her and I don't like her boyfriend, I hate how he treats her and she has been keeping him around for 12 years, so I'm getting away. The 2 weeks she was not with him, she did far better. But she failed to see the bigger picture and just sulked about him for the most part and he ignored her on Valentine's Day. She brought him back in such a deceitful way though and ever since, I have not been able to trust my sister and she's started trying to treat me like a kid so that's another reason I'm leaving ASAP. And also she be breaking what should be considered common boundaries between adults. We're in a hotel and she says "not everything is sunshine and rainbows when you're living in a hotel". When many people have told me she lives in a world of chaos, that little quote will always remain valid with her and it will always be miserable, even in a house.

[@iris_nazarena_4882]

My mom sets the emotional tone, and my sister has definitely drunk the Kool aid. When I brought up enmeshment a couple of years ago, and said we needed to establish boundaries, she said "We don't do that in our family." Direct quote.

[@mirelladlima5278]

Very articulate and very well explained 😊🙏

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thanks a lot 😊

[@resdid805]

EXCELLENT video. Thank you for sharing your very valuable knowledge ❤️

[@An1MuS]

You explained beautifully not the enmeshment of my family, but the one at my job! I feel pressure here to conform to the one view of management, as well as surrendering my personal boundaries and just be one big family who shares everything. It has had the total opposite effect on me. I felt so much more comfortable (and shared much more!) in the previous jobs where no such pressure was put on my shoulders. I don't feel space for autonomy and differentiation, and that makes me not want to be part of the whole thing at all.

[@florencia2771]

Red flag. This is just my opinion based on my experience, I would recommend to share very little in your case. There should not be this kind of pressure at work.

[@kurtcurtis2730]

Great video. Good explanation. Thank you for posting. Subbed

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Welcome! Thanks for the feedback!

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

Thank you for this. ❤

[@LivingMyBestLifeIAm]

So we’d say the Kardashians are quite enmeshed right?

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

😂😀

[@hanaamr3685]

Thank you so much. Thank you for the video showing different cultures so honorably, thank you for the efforts ❤️

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You are very welcome 😀 and thank you for letting me know.

[@michaelwhite3009]

How about someone, (perhaps a parent) "getting back" at you for attempting to set a boundary

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Yes, good question... Figuring out how to protect ourselves from toxic people is important, whatever form that might take. If someone "gets back" at us for setting a boundary, I'd be pretty sure they fall into the toxic category...

[@annawasterbyjara9527]

Thank you. This is very generous to share.

[@MylonMoses]

Thank you for the information it was very helpful!

[@Dan_Chiron]

I'd argue that enmeshment has a correlation with abuse. *It is* abuse.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

I do think there is a correlation, but it isn't always abuse, as so often it is something that impacts the entire family for generations, and is even in the society... But it can easily turn into abuse - and is probably always present if there is abuse... Just my thoughts...

[@iw9338]

Excellent, thanks very much 😅

[@gr-eg3ld]

Sounds like my family and imo, a typical Indian family :D

[@camellia8625]

I wonder if it is more common in certain cultures

[@Dom-bn1ru]

​@@camellia8625in Asia, arguing or standing up to ur parents means ure a bad child, no matter who's right or wrong. Well, at least in my fked up family

[@lydsa9662]

Thank you for explaining this so clearly

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

You're very welcome!

[@carriebradon2807]

This is so helpful…thanks for sharing!

[@morgangonzalez01]

Really good video. Thank you for your work.

[@lizericsonn9367]

my enmeshed ex would abuse me with everything he wanted to direct at his mother, then she lied to him saying I hit her and he assaulted me, and they are now both going down. (gamer with excellent headset and an open ,mic feeding into discord to be recorded or heard, headset sitting on the stand behind my screen, they never knew.

[@WalkonWaterPearlesofGrace]

This is so accurate

[@PetulaGuimaraes]

I think coaching is not enough. There’s too much of mental health involved. Honestly my therapist saved my life. And as I moved forward I needed to gain distance from my mom. Physical distance, really.

[@peterharris6604]

Thanks

[@MeMe-od2mg]

That was so well explained.

[@melissad.6722]

My sister and I have been very enmeshed with our mom since my dada left in 1973 and she made me her emotional partner and my older sister she parentified. I was the emotional substitute for her partner and my sister was the doer/care taker partner for her. i have looked at all of this long and hard over the past few years. i have struggled with fear, anxiety, depression, avoidance tendencies and learned helplessness which has lead me into all sorts of bad relationships and situations. In just the past 48 hours I've begun while looking again at one area of my life I have almost phobic reactions, I began to wonder, is this fear and anxiety and hopelessness and dread really mine or is it my mother's which I picked up, absorbed when I was young or is it mine??? i am very strong and determined in most areas of my life so being stuck for decades in one area has perplexed me for so long. i was a highly sensitive child always reading the room for peoples vibes and moods and my mom had many mental health issues going on. I cant find anything on the internet or youtube about this type of thing, "carrying" your unhealthy parents stuff from childhood. Maybe its a part of differentiation??? I do almost feel if I "put down" the fears and anxieties and negativity of my mom's I will somehow be losing her even though she is still living and we are close and she is the same now as ever. Does this make sense? Is there work out there about this?

[@lesleygarvs4640]

Yes. First: you are totally enmeshed. If your mom is toxic, narcissist, etc, you need zero contact. But if you depend economically on her, that s difficult. Zero contact. See what comes up, clean damages of for example looking you through the eyes of your abusor, enmeshment trauma where you don t know anymore who are you, if it s you or your abusor and you act on his behalf. Michele Lee Nieves can help you

[@Dan_Chiron]

Yes, it is a part of differentiation. You don't have to "carry" anyone's stuff, that's not your job; if you keep doing it, you won't lose your mom, you'll end up losing yourself. I see a comenter suggested go for the nuclear response; I'd say try setting boundaries first and see how they work. Sometimes the enmeshed parent come around and at least try to reconstruct the relationship. Good luck!

[@bruh-ch3hb]

Videos about emotional separation seem to be really insightful!

[@samsonudho6227]

Check out the work of Dr. Kenneth Adams. Very resourceful.

[@yvonne3903]

Please see my reply for you but posted separately as KZbin playing funny buggers. Basically this anxiety is a form of mirroring your mother, you need to realise it's how you have been taught to react and you need to stop yourself. I had this and I would stop myself and say this does not belong to you it's your mothers behaviour and shut it out. Eventually you'll feel better.

[@veronicavolkow7662]

So true, thanks

[@KoolT]

So it's a family that stays in everyone's business 😂😂😂😂😂

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Yes, indeed!

[@petestegler9885]

I like your videos and insights a lot. However, I took the online quiz, and found out at the end I had to provide my email address to get the results. I hate this kind of marketing, and am disappointed.

[@nishanacht]

Spot on.

[@domfaithful9]

Enmeshed Families with mother & Son relationship Manipulation No Boundaries Triangulations Invalidation Very one sided Your opinions are ignored and never taken into consideration on anything “Good Luck”

[@Zar2244]

Many vegans are made to feel like they are wrong to choose to be vegan

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Yeah. Families can have a hard time around this, as there can be so much attachment to food with holidays, etc... Letting other adults chose how they eat seems fairly basic!

[@SarahDale111]

The opposite, too. I wasn't allowed to eat meat.

[@CyonTrollZ]

My partner and I are moving from renting the bottom of a house with his parents. When he told his mom she had a full melt down and accused ONLY ME of abandoning her and she ‘knows’ imm going to cut contact after we leave. Since that moment him and his older brother had something cluck and realized just how bad she is and now his older brothers family is almost no contact and we are only being cordial till we leave in the next month or two. But now my partner wasn’t to go no contact because of how she acted towards me and he doesn’t tolerate it thankfully.

[@mikioni]

👏 thanks 👍

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Welcome 👍

[@anniemargaretmuir3838]

Thankyou, that was very informative ✌️

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Glad it was helpful!

[@w.townsend3477]

my wife and her sister! So frustrating!

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

I imagine! Your comment is actually a good idea for a video as I think this is a common problem - being aware of the enmeshment in our spouse's family and how that impacts us...

[@w.townsend3477]

@@BarbaraHeffernan I agree, its made my marriage a living hell.

[@rustinat0r702]

@@BarbaraHeffernan my wife would definitely love that episode! it took me awhile to see it on my own but it's been a pretty freeing experience so far since that realization hit home. wasn't fun being motivated to find out though

[@Tawroset]

I just took the quiz. "I'm nice" haha.

[@user-zw3em8xp1s]

all I can say is holy cow!! Thank you

[@Portia620]

Sounds like my family I was a black sheep and I still am now I’m the black sheep never you’ll give me the address of my daughter and their friends with my ex husband which I was abused so it’s very interesting situation. I’m a girl and girls are dumb as what my father said my fathers, BFFs, apparently with my ex-husband who is very abusive to me.. I’m the one not in a relationship he’s been until the second one even move into another state work for her so it’s been very interesting because it looks like there’s something wrong with me because I do not have a spouse or a significant other but in reality, I’ve been working on healing my wounds so I can find the right person and not just run into the arms of another fake person with a mask on. The boundaries that I see can be quite toxic as well because they can be used to control another person’s behavior to me. A boundary is put up for people that are disrespectful if someone’s calling their kids say I love you I don’t see where there needs to be a boundary on that.? I’m super confused about boundaries because to meet boundaries as you don’t go in somebody else’s purse you don’t go in their house you don’t go in the fridge and things like that. Way more boundaries and that though I know.

[@jennadanielescobar4440]

“Dont even know what their own emotions are”. Wow.

[@laurentiurudeanu4102]

Spot on presentation. You nailed it, great job !

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Thank you kindly!

[@bruh-ch3hb]

My parents didn't let me get master's degree in another city, although I had a good opportunity telling me I'd basically get lost there

[@maulaucraw1209]

Ok.

[@theperfectautumn8781]

Describes my sick family to a "T".

[@AG-vp1ok]

I haven't watched the whole video yet, which I plan to do, but what is the difference between enmeshment and co-dependency? Thank you.

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

That is a great question, and probably worthy of a video. A short answer I'd say is that co-dependency is a type of enmeshment and probably arises from growing up in an enmeshed family... Not all members of enmeshed families are co-dependent. Do you agree?

[@AG-vp1ok]

@@BarbaraHeffernan Yes.

[@chigirllchigirll]

The funny thing is u never got it and would always still be me the couldn’t stand me for that and I would always fight em back haha feels so good to know that and no contact!

[@celestegarvey-petsch8303]

Love what you are saying. Where is the link for the quiz and boundary work? I did not see the link on the screen when I click on the screen it stops the screen. Thanks:)

[@BarbaraHeffernan]

Hi! Thanks for reaching out. The free boundary quiz is : www.boundarypersonalityquiz.com, and the program is www.awakenjoy.life/boundary

[@anothermalex]

Just got out about a year ago. I am 35. Is there hope for me lol

[@astrospirit]

I think this is also a top sign of father daughter dynamics that can be seen prior to maybe crossing into pedophilia

[@chriswalls5831]

To much in youre life not living there own life also being on the same page

[@Nat-lg2ks]

I was once told by my mum “you cant leave me…I sacrificed 27 yrs of my life for YOU and you owe me 27 years of sacrifice now.” I said back “well I better get out now then, before I owe you 28!!!”

[@brenda9633]

My mom picked my husband for me. We divorced after only 4 years. Im starting therapy. Im feeling hopeful again