Be Careful Neglecting a Giver…

[@hexhex7220]

when a giver steps back, they're suddenly called " selfish"..by all the takers

[@blauespony1013]

Too accurate. Before: "You need to learn to say no." After: "You are so selfish."

[@bobiesbaubleboutique]

This! 1000%. Takers do not like boundaries. Even adult children. Very painful and I will survive! (Cue Gloria Gainer)

[@Meadowofsong]

​@@blauespony1013 on point

[@teresajones2156]

You say no once and it’s like you’ve never done anything for them ever. When you’ve in fact done EVERYTHING for them!!

[@emilyb5557]

If you can learn to do it in a calm healthy way rather than a rash u turn in behavior people are more accepting. Often we stop giving in a passive aggressive way that triggers people more. Personal development school Thais G has great resources that helped me on this

[@ENCLAVEDivisionX]

This describes my wife perfectly. She does anything i want to the point where its unhealthy for her. So to help her i made her my main priority. If she asks if i want anything i say i want her to go relax. She deserves it. Shes a wonderful wife and a great mother. She always tries to please everyone.

[@aunjulei]

Lucky you and even more lucky for her to find you!

[@thehighpriestess8431]

You are so sweet and lucky both to have each other.

[@heathernotzdaniels6350]

Recognizing that in your wife is superb, and I am very proud of you. I too, have a husband that makes sure that I take that break for myself. It was not easy at first, but after 14 years, we have it good and have found ways to create that balance for each other, as he is a giver too, both of us coming from long relationships that didn't have that.

[@hanaajanhangeer4377]

She is lucky.

[@-._.-KRiS-._.-]

You are a good man. Thank you for doing this for her, and for making her your priority. I've never been in a relationship with this kind of treatment before, so it's good to know that it does exist out there.

[@dogparents2340]

When they're done with you, they are absolutely done. Period.

[@phoenixrising4768]

Exactly. Once it over it's over. In other relationships maybe they will get a chance, but with a pp they will never come back

[@Mike-hr6jz]

So this guy is saying you should date narcissists, who love only themselves that is neurotic as well as stupid

[@gavina4921]

​@Mike-hr6jz This guy is saying you should be wary of always receiving & not neglecting your partner. No need to blow it to extremes lest you paint yourself as the offender here

[@Mike-hr6jz]

@@gavina4921 no need in worrying about how I’m painting myself. I don’t care what part of that do you not get?

[@janekaallen7473]

@@Mike-hr6jz you took this completely wrong

[@maureenseel118]

The worst part is having to stop giving to someone that you love dearly. You feel selfish even though you know you've spent years trying to do everything for this person.

[@empress9857]

🎯💯 and they don’t understand and when they truly need you even though it hurts you abandon you you give them the cold shower a taste of their own meds

[@shieldwolf65]

The sunk cost fallacy. BC you've already put so much in, it seems foolish to waste that. So people pleasers often do, far past most other people's resentment threshold. Those receiving often get so comfortable & complacent taking the effort they forget a relationship is also about reciprocation.

[@Babaa325]

Can you imagine there being a way this person could change enough for you to trust them and the relationship again?

[@mjolnir9160]

@@Babaa325this is where I’m at rn. I was left by someone like this, who gave me so much and I was unable to reciprocate. It wasn’t until I changed things about myself that I see where I went wrong. She didn’t want to leave, and she even said she felt guilty. But now when we try to talk, she is reluctant or hesitant to even try to work things out. I just wish I realized things sooner, even though we want the same things we used to fight over, the reality is we are not on the same page and even tho we have talked after the breakup and want the same things, she isnt budging.

[@parlmc]

​@@Babaa325I don't see a way of going back that would be sane and reasonable, it would make you so much of a "different person" that it will be detached from the original person the giver was attached in the fisrt place. Tl:Dr Mending can be done, going back not

[@Wiseolegranny]

A people pleaser shows someone how they want to be treated by example instead of words and demands.

[@TheLooterArmy]

OMG PERFECTLY STATED! ❤ Thank you for giving me the words to clearly define this in my life!!!

[@brindmusicnerd]

Yes!!! 🙌 beautifully said 💚

[@lauramatilda3279]

Beautifully put. This was my approach for so long, and perhaps in my youthful ignorance I believed it would eventually work. I truly believed if I was kind and thoughtful enough that surely I would attract the same in retern. It was a tragic misjudgement on my behalf and it took more than half my life to even recognise and start to break the patterns I had taught my self and which I had been taught. My mother would often joke I would befriend Jack the ripper if he smiled at me, and then I would try to save him from him self, she probably wasn't entirely wrong. The younger me was a sweet, childishly innocent and clueless young person, with no judgement and an abundanceof loving hope. I feel quite bad for everything she experienced when I was her if that makes sense... but I am also very greatful to the younger me, her people pleasing was a journey and it brought me here, to a place where I am more aware, more realistic and more capable of looking after myself and seeing myself as the most important one that I need to look after. I could not be me now with out her then. I am not fully broken of my people pleasing but I am far better now, and growing every day. Sorry for the long reply, your words spoke to my experience 😊

[@prant8998]

Communication. You have to use words because your partner may believe, "well this is what I deserve.” Without realizing that you want reciprocity. My ex just took me for granted, until boom, it reached even my limit, and out the door I went. I want to call it my new phrase to the internet, she had, “malignant entitlement."

[@Wiseolegranny]

I have made the change around age 40 but I was raised not to speak. ​@prant8998

[@carinelaberge5352]

I can confirm. It's a painful thing to give kindness and receive no respect

[@JohnnyLarkin]

how old r u

[@5plus4]

I'm the same way. It hurts.

[@18_rabbit]

yep! and in these difficult social times in my USA, many of us tried to be closer to relatives and many of those revealed exactly how shallow or not, they are. Too many are shallow and thoughtless during tough times for everyone, and it's the tough times in life that reveal who ppl really are. So, u must walk away and realize that genuine friends the family u make and often the only real family when the going gets tough

[@SagitTraviSexton]

I agree but I also know that I'm the person that will give to a certain extent but I'll probably do it more times then most would. If I feel like it's just being taken for granted, I won't. Either way I'm probably gonna still give, no matter how I feel or it affects me.

[@marunekochannel]

yeah, is really painful cause many don't even recognize that you give a lot when you accept really little from them in exchange

[@eiannmascoll9939]

Well said Givers be careful, know your limits, because takers have no limits.

[@winifredokolo1861]

Exactly too many takers out there and not enough givers. You give and give and then enough is enough

[@CamiCamH]

Whoo child.....say it to the people in the back❤

[@JocelynEke-f5m]

I hate takers. Takers suck. I will remember takers are bottomless pits. I need to take care of me and my cat. Most adults can take care of themselves. I sometimes forget that!

[@JocelynEke-f5m]

Great insight. And those takers lay a guilt trip on the givers.

[@eiannmascoll9939]

@@JocelynEke-f5m Most of them do, that's why I said givers know your limits. Know when to be strong. Say I do what I can. Let them know that you have limits.

[@purelyimagine7533]

This makes me feel so much better about dropping people when I get tired of being mistreated. Thank you for explaining it like this. I hope that by treating people the way I want to be treated others will reciprocate, but it doesn’t always work.

[@malwads1836]

Nope it oftentimes doesn't go that way.... That's why you'll end up having a high rejection rate with people.Be proud of that if you get to that point though, quality over quantity my friend.🌞👍🏻👍🏻

[@zsahkim176]

😢

[@Qasde423]

And you'll never ever EVER get that trust and level of care back. Once it's gone, it's gone.

[@BlessedBeyondCompare]

I disagree. This happened with me and my husband and he definitely earned the trust back. He went above and beyond to do so and what he did wasn’t normal by any stretch, but I appreciate it so much. ❤

[@mirzamay]

Usually someone who loses our trust and respect is fundamentally unable to see what is fair reciprocity. They are entitled to everything and they owe nothing. Usually they are raised this way and also have the narcissist gene. They fly under the radar because this way of thinking and being is impossible for a giver to understand by nature.

[@unnerving1081]

Well, you are definitely an anomaly. Good for you, but that is absolutely NOT the norm.

[@xyz-jv9df]

​@@unnerving1081 yes, d general rule seems d scenario where d taker denies or partly apologizes, but never fully takes accountability. This is also because it takes a special kind of selfishness to just keep taking for years without giving much back. Such selfish ppl are so lost beyond hope that they lack d emotional bandwidth n introspection required to redeem themselves. But if there was someone who was able to redeem themselves, it wud mean they weren't so lost in d first place or that their life was shaken enough for them to be forced to introspect n change themselves. It's nice to know there are exceptions to d rule.

[@wesley6442]

Totally agree, all or nothing. ride or die, it's sad because no one measures up to our level of love and care, it's lonely but it was also lonely with the heartless too

[@BestPunkyEver]

This is absolutely correct. When a “people pleaser’s” tank becomes empty, there is no more energy or “fuel” left for that relationship.

[@adriennechamberlain4868]

Yeah and since we were the only ones with gas money...😂

[@tstefanek3714]

try nit being a taker like this cheating narcissist that is flipping the script and gaslighting

[@snidecommenter7117]

Then the 'takers' look for a new sucker.

[@BestPunkyEver]

@@snidecommenter7117 I love your screen name!

[@sawi8689]

I appreciate that you said THAT relationship. There is still energy left for other relationships but it does take a minute to replenish the tank for yourself

[@ScrewballSyndicate]

This honestly applies to friendships and family relationships too.

[@karenhoward2983]

Never mind marriage, it is the same with friendship. I have stopped putting up with selfish people. And No. I make No Excuses for Anyone ! After the first few times, & I have said something about it, & no consistent change is made, I'm Done. I won't blame myself for your selfishness, carelessness, or disrespect. I deserve the best life has to offer, & Ibwill hold you accountable& still remain s Giver. I will just givebto someone who is worthy & can match me. We won't even be friends after that, bc you have shown me who you truly are & I can't Trust You in any way ever again.

[@starsourcer]

it sure does!

[@goatfish480]

Very true

[@dianakosa5915]

Just went through this with a long time former friend. She became former when I realized she couldn't be happy for good things in my life and only wanted me as a friend for as much as she could squeeze out of me while constantly disrespecting my boundaries. That's not a friend. It's a narcissistic user. I'm a giver and I'm choosing to give elsewhere.

[@Peace-tk3gr]

And co-workers 🙁

[@Lea-is-sleeping]

I was with someone for a while, who was very needy. This kind of excited the people pleaser in me because I thought this meant I could prove what an amazing lover I was. We also came from similar abusive backgrounds, and I felt like they were someone who would finally understand me. There was this one time we were talking, and they said to me: "not everything is about you or your feelings." They had been venting, and after they finished, I had sympathized and related a similar experience I had been through and that I knew things would get better for them. I rarely talked about myself and I remember after they said that, I felt like something inside me broke. I walked away from them, feeling hurt and betrayed. I had given so much and asked for so little. I cried for 2 days and even called called out of work. My heart *ached*. I knew it was over and indicated to them I was done. We still remained friends, but I wouldn't even consider being with them anymore and gave them only little bits of my time. A month later, they expressed to me that they could not understand why I broke up with them. I replied something about being hurt by something they had said, and they further dismissed that something like that could have hurt me. I was actually unbothered by that because I no longer trusted them with my emotions or my heart. We're still friends to this day, and they have expressed many times since wishing we could get back together and I always kindly say no. My relationship with them made me understand myself so much better; and I try to no longer jump into relationships with both feet, but instead give little by little and see how the other person reacts. I find that difficult sometimes, but I feel much more secure, and my heart feels much more guarded and safe. So, thank you for this video, it has helped me understand myself even better! :)

[@empress9857]

❤

[@malwads1836]

I'd say that person doesn't sound like they're worthy of being a friend either at least in my opinion anyway.Remember it's important to have high standards for everyone we allow into our lives whether romantic or not.They should've given a 💩 about your feelings when you were romantically involved & it sounds like they don't give a darn as a "friend" either since they keep repeatedly violating your boundaries by asking to be together...They may be butt-hurt because they lost their gold mine that they could extract so much from😒.I hope you'll work on healing your core wounds because the permanent door slam feels so good😌🤗.🌞👍🏻👍🏻❤️‍🩹

[@MangonutBrain]

May I suggest looking into CPTSD and enmeshment. It sounds like you both had CPTSD. You also described classic enmeshment. If I had to guess, you felt "sucked into" the other person? Like you couldn't figure out where your feelings ended and theirs began? As if your emotional autonomy was taken away? It's a very well-documented psychological phenomenon when two people with childhood CPTSD meet. I suggest looking into these concepts to better understand yourself if you are so inclined

[@mariasoniamoreno3433]

This is why live alone. I can't help myself pleasing and caring for a partner, but I've never received half of what I gave them. Now, I just buy myself flowers.

[@GipsyFlamingoNess]

This made my smile! 💐🌺🌻🌷🪷🪻 here you go! 💜 Blessings!

[@truffaut650truffaut6]

❤❤❤

[@janjanl1812]

Same here ❤❤❤

[@rosentao]

Same Girl 🎉❤

[@206-HoneyBadger]

The world is full of you and me. You're not alone. Quite simply, you'll attract the ONE for yourself once you find love for yourself first. It will come easy as your Journey seems to repeat the same pattern with the strangers you meet to the friendships you develop naturally as kindred-spirits. Only then, will being or "living alone" will feel like a thing of the past. Being SINGLE is different than Being ALONE. You'll see... ;-)

[@antheredhen]

This is me.. Narcs are drawn to people pleasers because it takes a loooonnnggg time for us to stop tolerating the crap..

[@mamamuzic]

...and I wanted to *help* these guys and show them all the love. Ugh.

[@laurayarbrough4646]

It sucks.

[@DesertlizzyThe]

I think it's Sad that we tolerate their BS for so long. It makes me realize the time wasted in my life. Lives is short .. We need to realize THAT & move on, make up for lost time. Life is a learning curve. Keep the faith and do positive affirmations.

[@laurayarbrough4646]

@@DesertlizzyThe it IS sad.

[@grovermartin6874]

@@antheredhen And vice versa, at least for me. If it gives me joy to give, then of course, I need to find someone to give it to, someone who needs what I have to give, AND who appreciates it!

[@jk8424]

I am about to marry a giver. I listen to you daily to try and keep me honest about how I treat her. She is the greatest gift that I've been graced with.

[@stellaallbright4750]

We are really AWESOME partners so long as you maintain a healthy balance of give/take, good communication, and keep us fed!! 💜

[@jk8424]

@stellaallbright4750 "and keep us fed" has me smiling so much. I have 11 years of work history in restaurants. Her and I spend so much time in the kitchen together ❤️. Open communication with anything is what I strive for with her. She's my best friend.

[@julias3386]

I am happy for you. In my relationship I am the people pleaser (due to coming from an abusive home) and my partner is also trying to respect me and cherish my opinions etc. I really notice how much he appreciates me and it makes me really happy. And I think we might not always give the same amount but that is fine as long as I am appreciated and seen.

[@aprilh9210]

Congratulations.🎉 Keep up the work of trying to understand your partner and even when life gets tough you'll have support.

[@karenbexon5386]

Love your commitment and care for your future wife. Wish you both so much happiness. ❤

[@NanaShawnia]

Absolutely correct. Giving and caring to "people pleasers" is their love language. It brings them great joy, but when they finally see that they are being "used" or see that the person is not appreciated, it breaks them and they are done.

[@patriciamorganti6232]

Nothing has ever resonated with me more in my entire life.

[@danutam572]

Wow! That's good!

[@missdirectedawakening]

Agreed!

[@laurenlong6943]

Woa SAME. Blew me away.

[@morwennaish]

Same

[@i2sky532]

SAME

[@roxanahernandez5157]

“They will take your breadcrumbs and see it as a whole loaf” OH MY GOSH!! That’s exactly how I am. I’m so used to never being genuinely seen, the moment a person is kind to me I feel amazed.

[@adriennechamberlain4868]

I see you 👀

[@tabbyh8136]

Yup, that's me too. He described me perfectly!

[@angelacstewart2699]

Me too

[@sjahope]

yeah :/

[@mariocontiki]

its so true, we even get into people that treat us bad but politely. Like she did'n insulted me, she just told me she don¿t want me to lose my time investing in her. for sure she'll love me if I try harder.

[@methodicalclothing1589]

This is 100% true and there will be no signs that it's about to be over... no arguments no discussions no signs. nothing. They gone.

[@FreeSpirit5150]

Absolutely. "When the giver is empty And the trust is gone There's nothing left to say. Gather your courage and self respect And simply walk away..." 😢

[@beatricekabab190]

Yep DoNE

[@nowKissthaQueen]

yes absolute. Moving forward in a positive direction and still mourning the taker but loving themselves 100%more

[@RevXBones]

@@nowKissthaQueen😢

[@lorireed8046]

Nah... I'll let you know! This is why I've walked away . Deny all you want, scream and shame me, talk about me for decades. I don't care, anymore, and you've lost me .

[@Mr.EdThetalkingHorse]

You Nailed it!! Just left a taker. Never stop being kind just change who receives your kindness.

[@malwads1836]

Bingo!!!Good discernment is what's needed.You get a few very kind giving folks together & it's a mini paradise😉👍🏻👍🏻.

[@francescabellan2313]

OMG, so true. Once that door is closed, it's over. And at that point you start to see things so clearly that you wonder how you could tolerate emotional neglect for such a long time

[@h3arty]

We can only learn from this. It's teaching us an important lesson we need to learn and truly implement.

[@malwads1836]

It's because your core wounds weren't acknowledged & healed ultimately.

[@jakecwolf260]

Wow what if I am the people pleaser, I didn’t realize how I will definitely completely flip the switch when I’m done

[@CobaltLobo]

This 👆

[@texasgma3578]

EXACTLY what happened in my first marriage. He refused to take me to my father’s funeral visitation. Had to call my brother for a ride. A door closed that NEVER reopened.

[@TinaJohnson59]

Sadly, it’s usually people that have come from childhood trauma that are the “overgivers”. I am one of them. I am finally learning at age 65, to think of myself first, and to set boundaries.

[@mariannehorn1375]

Of course it is, when you are told that you're a burden from a young age, you will do anything to keep the people around you happy so they never think that way about you but also so that you make sure they don't feel that way about themselves, I'm self aware enough to know that about myself but I don't plan to stop giving because it makes me happy to see the people I love be happy even if that means I use up a bit more energy than them

[@TinaJohnson59]

@ ❤️🤗❤️

[@user-ci1bg6nz8c]

100% True.

[@lybrty7272]

Me too. I am just starting - menopause seems to bring some change, perhaps just less energy to repress needs. Anyway, it is difficult, but I am trying.

[@TinaJohnson59]

@ Hugs 🤗

[@danicacaldwell3626]

I’m a recovering people pleaser. I realized I am being dishonest when I people please. I wait for “my turn” and it does not come unless I speak up. Now I’m working on not abandoning myself. I think it’s true that takers put no limits on what they take.

[@tanqunetthughes2012]

I know this sounds like a silly question, but how did you get a gripe on it? I'm a giver to a fault. I do love myself and treat myself, but I feel better when I'm doing something for someone else.

[@julonkrutor4649]

My advise: Limit yourself to giving everyone you meet only a bit. If they do not give something back within a month (my timeframe - chose your own) do not give them anything. And when people ask why you are so cold to some and so giving to others - tell them you were used in the past and you do protect yourself from that happening again. The reaction is priceless when people start to realize, that they are on your bad side for something they forgot or that they are on your good side for something minor. Some on my bad side tryed to recover - those are now on my neutral good side. I do keep scoure with them for now. If they have proven to have changed, they may come to my good side - but they have to prove it first. Its not easy, but it keeps me safe.

[@chelseabunker2391]

@@julonkrutor4649 this sounds exhausting and a bit petty. Keeping score is toxic. Also, you may still be setting yourself up to be used & resentful if you are not setting boundaries and being clear with your intentions and own needs with yourself & the other person when you agree to things. It’s easier just to check in with yourself in the moment when something comes up before committing to it- do I actually have the energy or resources to do this? Does this feel fulfilling to me or help my situation by doing this for this person? Do I expect something from this exchange, and am I being clear about this expectation with myself and others? Example: I got something for my boyfriend that he didn’t ask me to get him. If he didn’t like that thing, it is on me if I had the expectation he was supposed to like it and I am now offended- that is petty but a lot of people behave like this feeling dejected and angry that they didn’t get the response they wanted. That is an unfair & unsaid expectation. Insert mom, friend, coworker, whoever. My mom used to act like this then call me names and tell me I was a spoiled brat for not appreciating what she did for me- i did not ask her for her help because I was trying to learn how to do things on my own to be a functional adult. Checking in with self about your resources - overextending ones self and then resenting the other person for “making you broke” or “making you exhausted” or taking away from xyz… thats the givers job to evaluate their resources first before even offering. The recipient can’t magically feel your energy level, see your schedule, or your bank account to know what your capacity is. Giving more than you have is your own fault for not evaluating your resources first. It is okay to expect getting something out of giving, but you have to understand what it is you expect and voice that if it means the other person needs to respond using their resources as well. I did actually buy my boyfriend something he didn’t ask me to get but I did know it was something he had been looking for and frustrated he couldn’t find. My only expectation was a thank you, it did not over extend my resources to get it or find it and it was a low commitment energy wise for me. It was a pleasant exchange because I checked in with myself first.

[@biggestkeith3640]

A phrase I'm working very hard to internalize for this exact problem is "Honesty without kindness is butality, kindess without honesty is manipulation"

[@unionunicorn6776]

Absolutely! There is nothing they won’t seek to take from you. Takers are abusers.

[@myunfilteredtruths3338]

This is so true! I wasted 2.5 years trying to be with someone who used me every step of the way. I slowly but surely felt used, taken advantage of, and played. With that being said each incident made me detach more and more….. and now I can’t stand them. I don’t want anything to do with them! Blocked permanently. People love to take your kindness for weakness. Until you show them you mean business!

[@KSouthworth]

This has me crying. When that ship has sailed I don’t go back. I was breadcrumbed my whole life by a narcissistic parent and never ask for much. But when someone can’t even give me my bare minimum, my heart shuts down.

[@fathima6539]

I hope your heart heals

[@KSouthworth]

@@fathima6539 thank you

[@karenwilliams5724]

Ditto

[@laurayarbrough4646]

I don’t blame you! At that point they don’t deserve you.

[@judyhart7628]

Me too.😢

[@pete4693]

As a reformed people pleaser, I have learned that the same joy I get from giving to others, I need to allow others to experience with me. So when I accept from others, I'm still giving in a sense.

[@OpenHeartsUnite]

yes!

[@EOlaCasas]

Exactly!

[@ShawnDavid91]

Give the gift of appreciation!!!

[@gruntherblendin388]

Oh, this is very good. I've never thought of it this way, but it sound & feels right. I've got to try to incorporate your explanation into my daily psyche. I hope it helps me find a better balance. Thanks!

[@escapevelocity8092]

That's spot on. Giving can only be genuine and heartfelt once you learn to receive also. There's nothing wrong with giving more than you receive, but if you refuse to receive at all, then the giving is either an investment or a reflection of a lack of self worth. Don't prevent someone else from feeling the joy of giving by refusing their gifts...

[@sarahw6772]

Yes, and this applies not only to romantic relationships. This applies to Family and Friends as well.

[@regineheine5707]

Even to people whom you don’t know or even don’t like.

[@lauren_WI]

💯 % 👏 👏 👏 going through that right now as are many others. YOU are worth it and blood or not, family members are their own people and responsible for themselves, so they are accountable too. Our peace ✌️ is something we hold on tight to, don’t give that away to anyone. ❤

[@jennifere4641]

You speak the truth. And you explain it so well. His final, very long, silent treatment finally woke me up. I felt emotionally unsafe. No-one can tell you when to leave, but my threshold was reached.....and after 18 months of the ST I decide to leave. Divorced a year later, he did hide assets, but I'm free. Working on my boundaries and fitness. 💖🌈

[@Iknowthings-i5u]

People need to listen here! He's not putting down people pleasers. He is warning that no one should take advantage of someone who gives a lot because one day- they Will leave.

[@floravalle1625]

I left. Narcissist people it is always about them. Twisters big time. When I left him or fled he was in chocked. Within days he had someone else. Same type of supply. They go through so many until they find another people pleaser. I am single and haven't dated. Like my freedom:)

[@lmg4914]

My first husband used to love to make me cry and then get angry at me because I did. I told him he better hope I don't stop crying because if I do, it will mean I don't care anymore. One day I stopped crying and he begged me to stay, but it was too late.

[@Iknowthings-i5u]

@@lmg4914 same here. I shut down completely and then left

[@jfdc8432]

This comment needs to be highlighted!

[@karishmabagla4956]

Thanks for explaining and highlighting this 🙏🙏

[@gail9566]

My ex husband told me every day for months what a disappointment I was and how much he hated me. One day that switch flipped, and I started gaining strength to leave with every insult. 8 years after I left, he pleaded to come back, and when I reminded him of the heartbreaking words he said, he brushed them off as just being angry. We never reconciled. What a waste of 13 years. The real gift was our son.

[@andycristiana1043]

One thing I've learned is that nothing is ever wasted. You lived those 13 and either bad or good, you got something out of them. Examples; your son and probably many learning lessons about yourself, life, etc.

[@ThePeskyjay]

"You know I don't mean what I say when i'm angry." - I've heard this soo many times and asking him to apologise for what he said invalidates the apology, So yeah, I hear you.

[@damejazesoul]

If it took him 8 years to come back after you left then...well

[@44debrafa]

My ex used to say “don’t count on me” - when i finally learned to not count on him, I was free…

[@dianawitty9628]

@@gail9566 the gift to my mind is the gift you gave your Son in your leaving…watching someone you love take that kind of abuse on some level is abuse too…

[@soorian6493]

And a note to people pleasers: neglecting your needs doesn't please good people. If someone cares about you, they have to pull double duty in communication by guessing what you need and guessing where your boundaries are. If someone doesn't, they have carte blanche to take whatever they want.

[@ChristophHall-i1v]

Thanks for the comment. Helped me.

[@ShelbiLyn953]

I definitely agree that someone who loves me shouldn't be happy if I'm constantly sacrificing my needs to meet theirs. I can't speak for all people pleasers. I've absolutely struggled with voicing my needs in the past, but my partner has never had to "guess" or "be a mind reader" because, like he says, I'm happy with bread crumbs. I don't require much. I don't need help with much. Simply put, as long as you show me the bare minimum of respect, our relationship can easily work out. It's when you take advantage of my kindness for long periods of time that we have a problem; when you invalidate my concerns and disrespect me repeatedly, we have a problem.

[@ChristophHall-i1v]

@@ShelbiLyn953 A people pleaser should learn that it is actually not healthy to ignore their own feelings. So if you have a partner that cares for your health, this person has to guess at least twice as much what your needs are.

[@stellaallbright4750]

@soorian6493 -- Your comment is incredibly judgemental and places the onus of dysfunction on the caring person, labeling them as damaged. 🚩🚩🚩🚩

[@kevinbissinger]

If someone cares about you they should be asking, not guessing.

[@rajshreejain9541]

I tell you this man is THE BEST ADVISOR for people... I do feel like you're too underrated and you can quite literally change people's relationships .... Thank you for all your efforts

[@acuanette]

In layman’s terms, screw over the one who loves you unconditionally but don’t expect them to be foolish enough to stick by your side. Don’t mistaken kindness for naivety

[@scdundee12]

Bingo

[@southernpearl]

Because what I give is unconditional love, not unconditional tolerance.

[@acuanette]

@@southernpearl amen

[@Mantras-and-Mystics]

Yes, I got that message from him too. 🙄

[@DaughterOfThyKindom]

So much truth here ❤️

[@freespirit5234]

Wow, so true....no more talking, shut off and walk away and never turning back

[@dltay4263]

The problem is we don't know where the line is. Different people, different lines. But when that line is crossed, it's over. It does not mean I don't forgive them; it just means there will be no need of forgiveness in the future, b/c the person who crosses the line one too many times, will not be allowed to cross it again.

[@bliss252]

​@@dltay4263 exactly. It's not that I'm angry. I've just lost all interest and desire to interact, and they would need to become a completely changed person for me to ever consider rekindling. Meanwhile, I literally just wanna move on peacefully with my life ✌️

[@noralynclemons6794]

💯

[@noralynclemons6794]

​@dltay4263 Facts

[@GenXBeeKind]

Yep, be done with the BS, and never turn back. You will undoubtedly be reminded again why you chose to be done if you do turn back. Lessons Learned. 😎✌️

[@onemin_stories]

This hits me hard because I realize that not only am I a people pleaser, but I also validate TRUST at the most important foundation in my relationships. If suddenly I find someone not trustworthy, I stop talking or connecting to them.

[@staciamiller1896]

Yup I get it Same here

[@biocykle]

Look into recovering from codependency... it's deep seated, but still a pattern that can be shifted

[@malwads1836]

Smart.It's fine to be giving...You just need good discernment.

[@arkieologist]

This is so true! Very grateful for your videos contributing to society! 💓🙌🏻💯

[@belle398411]

This is so true. And not only tangible things but intangible things like emotional abuse. My father was a giver, a provider for almost 40 years to my mother and she walked all over him and one day he just woke up and gave her everything (the cars, houses, etc) and he walked away with his peace and he’s never looked back. My mom has to live with this regret of losing the best thing that ever happened to her. It’s really a sad story but I’ve never seen my father happier.

[@laabsenceofcol8079]

Good for him. Love that.

[@katrinat.3032]

That’s how I left my husband. I knew ahead of time. I started packing some clothes toiletries. When I left, I left. Left all the furniture behind. Didn’t care. Started my life over. It was a financial strain. But I was free from him and I was free to build my own life.

[@Jesussaveslifes1]

My cousin did the same! He left everything, even a good job at the hospital. He works now, driving delivery food in a huge truck 🚚 all over America. He is so happy now!

[@kathleendavis2008]

And THAT folks is how it's done!!!!

[@lauren_WI]

@@kathleendavis2008 👏

[@HannaTegneskog]

I almost burst into tears when you were done explaining. I have never in my life heard such a clear and true explanation of a part of me that's honestly confusing to understand myself. Thank you!

[@hyper_on_rr8623]

Agreed

[@ebonyapplepy3906]

Me too 🥺

[@Angels4us-2]

Amen!❤

[@rachelp.8879]

100%!!!

[@Springbankmassive]

Me too

[@alysarushtonenergy135]

I love how you put this… that a people pleaser has a high threshold for neglect. More true words have never been spoken about this! Well said!

[@InformationWarfare2025]

You are so right. I was emotionally neglected as a kid so I became desensitised to neglect. That how I came to marry the first guy who asked me, even though I didn't love him.

[@Tov-h3v]

​@@InformationWarfare2025Dr Jay Reid has good videos about the Scapegoat child. JazzyT.

[@HISIAM888RUHIS888]

@@Tov-h3v Yes!!! He’s Absolutely Wonderful & Right On!!

[@18_rabbit]

yep! problem is that as we mature and are too patient, we accumulate resentment toward the key person who took advantage of us. This really can result in some pleasers who realize the advantage taker was actually unmitigated in their selfishness and disprespect, deciding to ruin the life of that person by e.g. informing on a spouse of cheating etc. Doing what they see as 'right' is such a strong motivation combined w/ the profound disprespect they accumulated, that this realy does happen probably a lot more than ppl realize. It's bad for women who were the advantage takers, bcuz usually they don't have assets of their own and are not young anymore either. Tragic, but it's how interpersonal fairness is seen and often plays out, for better, or mostly worse! Some sociologists and others see this as a social good. I dn't really see it that way but it IS fair.

[@BestSummerEver1104]

I can’t even imagine how many people you’ve helped! I found you last night and I feel free (almost) but I feel stronger and validated in a way I never have been before and that give me so much more hope of getting away from the narcissist I’ve been pawning over for over 11 years! He’s horrid and I allow it and I knew it was bad and I need out, I’ve moved far away, I’ve cut him out a lot, but I still try because I have hope in back of my mind. That hope sickens me often, you showed me another angle and I can see where I fall into the cycle now even with the fact that in my head I’m just trying harder… but I’m making it worse for myself. I can’t thank you enough! I’m going to keep watching until I get it and move on for real! I have hope that’s a lot closer now because of your time doing this!

[@TakeT3N]

When giving goes from making you feel refreshed, & appreciated, every time you give, to feeling exhausted and bitter, it's all over.

[@lorireed8046]

Ohh it can even be worse ... Accused of every act you did was out of selfish-ness and ONLY doing anything to be controlling.

[@AmandaMiddleton-ul9ek]

​@lorireed8046 You are exactly right! I'm coming out of a year long relationship with a man who took so much from me. I gave of myself, time, attention, emotional and financial support, and now I've been called money hungry, selfish, controlling, and some very, very, awful names. This man became mentally abusive towards me. I feel like a shell of myself. I feel like he drained all the goodness from me. I took all the abuse I could for months and one day it hit me like a ton of brick and I realized he was an abusive taker and I knew he would never change. No matter what I did for him it was never enough. I then knew he would never change. I left most of my worldly possessions and I grabbed my little 14 year old dog and a hastily packed overnight bag, and left. I didn't look in the rear view mirror when I left. I went to a friend's house and told them I had left him. They said it was about time. They had seen the abuse and they told me I wasn't the first woman he had done this to. I think the bad ones can spot a true giver a mile away. I'm going to take my time, heal from this and find myself a place of my own and regain my joy for life.

[@billpetersen298]

@@lorireed8046 It sounds like, time to sit back and observe, listen to your partner. In a relaxed, non critical way.

[@lorireed8046]

@@billpetersen298 LoL Out here giving advice like you know people on here personally? How toxic are you billpetersen type toxic? Damn. It's just a warning and does get worse . MOST doesn't even come from a S.O. but from siblings, children or even your neighbors.

[@billpetersen298]

@@lorireed8046 I hope you find love and peace. Those other people, will change in response.

[@mwl41223]

These people are so easy to take advantage of. It gets to be expected, and any resistance is met with gaslighting. I've seen it so many times. This guy's insight is such a gift. It feels so good to be seen, understood, and matter.

[@lindafarwell3408]

Loser

[@llavabutt]

And givers or people pleasers get so much victim blaming too! Like I'm sorry I'm a kind and giving person? If I love someone I want to support them, and yes I know I can neglect myself sometimes in turn, but that doesn't mean others get to take advantage of me.

[@rainspirit3973]

And then you start to laugh at every gaslit remark and they become confused. They look at you like,” how DARE you not LET me manipulate you!” 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@christabelle__]

Yeah...one of those people here. But I learned to watch for red flags of narcissism before this channel...and his shorts have made it that much easier for me to understand that I'm approaching things correctly, and highlight more behaviors for me to be wary of - having grown up with a narcissist abuser, you almost get accustomed to that kind of behavior, and it can be hard to spot it at first...it's a sad norm for you, but once you learn the signs, and to be vigilant for them? None of the abusers stand a chance.

[@lorilee7213]

Ive been with these assholes all my life. Its crazy how every one of them are Narcs. Lov​@christabelle__

[@terrimartinez6547]

Thank you for helping me understand what's happening to me. After years of asking for marriage counseling and he finally says ok, I'm not interested in putting anymore work into it. I'm tired and done.

[@marialakshmi2330]

😢😢😢 me too 😢😢😢

[@writingteacher]

Same happened to me, and then the marriage counselor seemed to be siding with him and I just couldn't anymore. I have been the happiest in years after I left him 8 months ago (after 29 years of marriage - 10 of which I wanted out).

[@Tatjana-e1e]

I am sorry to read this... whats the reason that he suddenly agreed? Maybe he too arrived at a switch point. Anyways i wish you the best!

[@Bumbita]

Me too.

[@AtooZkids]

Same here. He finally agreed but I have to do all the work such as finding one that takes our insurance, make the appointment to fit both our schedules, childcare. If I want to do something together, I have come up with the idea and ask him. He’s okay with just staying home and doing nothing.

[@MShaw-qq5tu]

This is TRUTH. Thank you for articulating it so clearly

[@pinapplehead3377]

Agree 100%. When you no longer feel safe to communicate with the person you need communicate with, there can sometimes be a vicious cycle of " I have a need. I want to communicate that need. I feel I cannot bring up that need safely, but I will do my best and if there should be any conflict, I can take it upon myself to fix that as well, because I don't want to not put in the work..." and then comes further disrespect of boundaries, not feeling like you can bring that up etc...

[@inspired2rv661]

Well said! Ironically, he was the one feeling like he wasn’t being heard. I wasn’t validating his feelings either even though I was the one that needed the validation more. Now that I realize how controlling and invalidating I’ve been, thanks to these videos, I’m finally learning to validate his feelings, but he’s already decided that I don’t know how and he’s not able to hear when I do. We both have to change the narrative we hold for each other, and it is not easy. Even with a Therapist, we are struggling, but neither one of us are giving up on it. These comments in this video, give me strength to keep trying🙏🏻🙏🏻✨

[@pinapplehead3377]

@@inspired2rv661 I think you’re right in the sense that you should change the narrative you hold for each other, that’s good insight! It shows you see that it takes two to put in the work. Something we’ve found very useful is to remember that no matter what, it’s important to keep communication open ended. To keep the goal of connection there as opposed to CORrection. While some correction may be there, its connection that we strive for more than anything.

[@lorireed8046]

At this point in my life the word "boundaries" just means you are to accept abusive behavior by the toxic people. They used that word to align with only THEIR wants from you . Nah... Like screaming you are a Nazi or a bigot. The word boundaries has me walking away from you .

[@BrigitteChaichana]

This is me. I’ve given and sacrificed so much for my husband. I never asked for much. I supported him through grad school. I worked full time as an RN even while pregnant. I gave him 2 beautiful children. I gave myself to him constantly. Whatever him or our family needed, I was more than willing to accommodate and be that for them. But now I’m depleted and I have nothing else to give. All he’s done is making excuses to neglect me and our marriage. I’m done. I feel used and sucked dry. I feel like a shell of a person who doesn’t even matter that much to her own husband. I don’t want to be his wife anymore.

[@vikingwarriorgoddess6609]

Sweetheart, Take care of you now. Get a therapist just for you and start rebuilding yourself.

[@iiislandbreeze]

Godspeed!! You've got this. Fellow divorced RN. You will get your former self back ❤

[@empress9857]

I understand you the universe/ our creator does and a lot of viewers here too

[@desireeespinosa3954]

This is so extremely true And so sad.... because once the switch is flipped we have zero control over it anymore. We may want to care so badly again.... but just Can't

[@francescahksk]

True.. Time is up. No more space negativity. Tq. Have a wonderful Christmas Jimmy & wife.

[@CastlevaniaFreak]

Wow. I didn't realize I needed to hear this. I put up with a lot of crap from my partner over the course of eight years, and I finally called it quits this year because it essentially became like taking care of a child. I was working, doing all the housework, making all the meals, and taking care of our kids all throughout while they just slept and read all day. I kept making excuses for them like they were just depressed or going through a hard time, and I talked to them about it often. I asked for just the smallest little things, like changing our kid's diaper while I was working (I worked from home), and they would get mad at me for asking. So I stopped asking them for anything. Then I mentally checked out of the relationship about a year ago, but I didn't want to hurt them by telling them I wanted to be done. Then it finally came out around Christmas of last year. Great timing, right? But I couldn't hold it in anymore. Anyway, sorry for the ramble. Thank you for the video. This helped me understand myself a little more.

[@Abena1709]

Very relatable! Hugs to you! 😊

[@sharicoburn5475]

When I began reading your comment I double checked to see if it was one that I wrote because I have the exact same story only mine went on for 22-year marriage and then after that eight more years with the same kind of relationships. After healing and after researching and learning about narcissistic abuse I have healed and found a wonderful man who has been through some of the same situations that I have so I just want to encourage you that your person is out there. Until then focus on those babies because that is the most important thing you'll ever do

[@sandrarh9839]

I completely get you. Same!

[@evawebster1518]

How many of "them" there were? (Why not use a singular pronoun if you talk about a single person?)

[@Pepperoni-and-cringe]

Damn she fumbled the ball. You’re a good person that she will regret letting go

[@SilverLaBelle]

I... didn't realize how much I needed to hear this. I'm absolutely the giver, and he's right. Once I checked out.. I was gone. I didn't even care when his attention went somewhere else. Not mad, not sad, or betrayed. Just nothing.

[@Wiseolegranny]

@SilverLaBelle Same here, I ended up telling my husband at the time that I just don't care anymore about his love affairs but I did ask him not to bring it around the kids and that he better use protection and not give me a std.

[@YeshuaKingMessiah]

Definite I don’t wish him ill I don’t wish him joy I just do nooooot care Like, nothing 🤷🏼‍♀️ Sry, ya stripped that outta me, I’m flatlined - what’s for lunch?

[@nicolarollinson4381]

Very true. I now set limits. I'm not a people' pleaser. I'm a giver because I enjoy sharing.

[@crazymema23]

Thank you for putting this into the light, without shame

[@magicalmarly1213]

I am a recovering people pleaser and this made me cry, my husband who really loves me has help me alot with it over the years. He has showed me that he is a safe place to share my feelings and that I don't have to bottle it up. That it is ok to have needs and wants. That the word no isn't a dirty word and that I'm allowed to set boundaries. He has helped me build up my confidence and helped me learn to stand up for myself. He love me for who I am and not my past people pleasing tendencies. Not for what I can do for him but what we can accomplish together. He's my best friend, my partner in crime, my ride or die. God bless him.

[@J.Shiwani]

hey miss how you met him 😊, please share how to find a man with such wonderful trates

[@magicalmarly1213]

@J.Shiwani lol 😊 we met in high school gym class. I'm very blessed to have him. We have been together for 12 years now. I'm no expert on any of this but from my experience pick someone who is forgiving, always communicate with each other (I had to learn that the hard way), someone who's beliefs line up with yours and be forgiving yourself. Thank you for the compliment to my husband. I don't get to brag about him very often but I'm always happy to do so.

[@casperTM]

bravo👏🏼👏🏼

[@empress9857]

Such a blessing thank you for sharing I appreciate that

[@cdv2244]

Sounds like heaven

[@elainefinley3034]

Great message. Unfortunately, the people who need to hear this most are the ones who will ignore it.

[@roberttruman8444]

That was us wasn't it? A few years back at least.

[@loralee222]

So true. Or won't even listen to this.

[@ExMeroMotu9]

Do those people not have a chance to grown. Yes some may never but we all have the right to not be right or have it all figured out at any point in our life. Just try not to be so harsh on others for not knowing.

[@WaywardJourneys]

Who do you think needs to hear it? Do you not recognize people pleasing is a trauma response? Or are you making the assumption that people pleasing is healthy?

[@KxNOxUTA]

Actually both sides need to hear it. This is also about us being aware what we set our relationships up for, when we allow trampling of boundaries and bleeding out of resources instead of stepping up our boundary skills and self-worth! We're right here. Saying it indirectly doesn't mean you shouldn't listen. It being about us is just a way to ease us into that truth!

[@psi_lucid]

Givers leave huge voids behind for takers who spent years refusing to learn self-awareness and empathy. When the Universe allows a Giver to cross paths with another Giver, the abundance of love they create together is pure Magic🎉 I call it Unconditional Love, The Fountain that never runs dry.

[@Yaivenov]

I will never find another giver to match me. 😢

[@18_rabbit]

yep! and the opposite can result in really bad situations, like where true betrayal happens by the giver. I'm about to witness that with a friend who is likely to take down 1-2 marriages at once!

[@julieoscars]

Thank you.

[@AnimalPlantLover]

🎯 this is and has been me. I assumed he loved me the same way and I'd do most things for my love and whom I love. But I've realised and woken to I DONT GET even somewhat equal too me. Because I am aware and I have no issues knowing my bad sides? But enough is enough. I've let all of them go and ita moving foward with MY LIFE and happiness. I so needed to hear this. Thank you. BLESS🙏🌻

[@ellefonzarelli]

This makes so much sense. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m a people pleaser. My friends used to say I was savage because I could go from an all in long term relationship where I was deeply in love to ending it - clean break, blocking their number, overnight. I give literally everything I have so when I make up my mind that I’m done, I’m really truly done.

[@michelejamesmusic]

Me to, like he said, a switch gets flipped.

[@EM-KeepingtheFaith]

Wow, this. When the deep and accepting love switch snaps off, never to switch on again. Then they spend the next few years horrified they'll never find love like mine again. And I feel nothing. Consistent kindness is everything.

[@MsDianagentaToYou]

I've never heard anyone mention the switch flip. It's not a metaphor; I can almost literally hear it. Once, I could almost feel it fall right out of my body. We stretch ourselves beyond what we're really OK with, often even letting the people we're stretching for know that's what's going on. And you know what happens to a rubber band that is overstretched too often.

[@sunflowerrayne6026]

​@MsDianagentaToYou yes, this is crazy like you feel the feelings for them literally washing off, leaving etc.

[@whatrtheodds]

My Dad did this to my mother Off like a light switch. You know your toxic right as a people pleaser. You have a failure to communicate and a lack of self regulated boundaries . You slowly build resentment towards someone for not being a mind reader and for not doing what you imagine they should be doing. That shit is crazy. God dammit learn to communicate. Learn boundaries.

[@jenniferpasley5806]

Straight up truth. When Threshold reached, new life is planned. The neglected will then be the neglector and that person will be asking why while that caring individual is on their way out.

[@carmenjimenez7929]

Yep just listen to my footsteps while I'm walking out the door - slam!😊

[@MirabelaB]

This hit home very deeply over here. It's true in all relationships as well, the amount of "friends" that I simply stop caring about is high, for them was out of the blue but they neglected my feelings for so long that they wasn't even noticing anymore.

[@vivianMarvin-z6k]

Amazing video A month ago, my partnership of five years came to an end. The choice to break up with the person I love is something that really gets to me. Even though it's all for nothing, I've done everything I can to get him back, and I couldn't imagine my existence without him. I've tried everything to stop thinking about him, but I still can't help but miss him and think about him often. I don't know why I am saying this here.

[@LunqCharlotte]

Saying goodbye to someone you love is difficult; I know this from my 12-year relationship ending. But I was unable to simply let him go, so I made every effort to get him back. I eventually sought aid from a spiritual counselor, who was able to help me regain his affection.

[@vivianMarvin-z6k]

It's interesting! How can I contact a spiritual counselor most efficiently, and how did you find one?

[@LunqCharlotte]

Father Obah Eze is a wonderful spiritual counselor who has the ability to bring back your ex.

[@LunqCharlotte]

He can assist you; he is Father Obah Eze, and he possesses immense powers.

[@vivianMarvin-z6k]

I just sought him up online thanks to your helpful information. remarkable I just checked Father Obah Eze online, and he's really genuine. Thank you again ❤

[@ladycharlotte8693]

So true….💔…..not only in marriage, but it happens in friendships….you’re everybody’s friend, cheerleader, confidant, until you have a need, just to talk about a problem that has come up, and try as you might, your friends always make it about themselves………so I shut down after years of being a friend to them, and I stopped bothering, started taking care of myself…..it hurt at first to find out I was their friend, but they weren’t mine. I have peace now, and I moved to the south, people are so sweet here I almost can’t believe the kindness I receive here , it’s lovely✨

[@mare678]

I'm right there with you. I THOUGHT I had friends. I found out they were not there for me. I lost my friend-circle nearly 13 years ago. Trying to make new friend connections, now, takes more work, effort, and energy than my disabled body has. I have simply accept that I have acquaintances scattered about, and I stuff the need for friends and confidants. Work (elementary teacher) and church have not provided replacements. So I just bury myself in books, movies, and KZbin.

[@peacelove7437]

I’m a giver, not a people pleaser. There’s a difference. My people reciprocate, even if they don’t I still do it from the ❤not for things in return. With that said, I don’t let people walk all over me. I’ll speak up and say something. Don’t be scared to lose people. They should be scared of losing a pure heart ❤️

[@3ethanyp.977]

Families, too. 🥲

[@dmt0430]

Yes yea yes. I have a friend who has your experience. So sad.

[@jonathandonley3299]

Yes. Yes. A thousand times, yes. Am I the only person whose threshold for being just done with people who take advantage of me got lower and lower over time until it's actually below my desire to give? Where trust has been broken and abused so many times that you can't find the strength to trust anyone else? Am I the only one?

[@Elizasushi]

Recovered ppl pleaser here! I'm much happier now and refuse to settle for less.

[@rewantsharma8227]

You go girl

[@staciamiller1896]

Same 😮

[@Messiah1976]

Same

[@Messiah1976]

I will always be in recovery

[@КатяДородных]

Yeah. Hey fellow! No more fake connections. Balance is everything ❤

[@taleandclawrock2606]

This is so true. After 50 years, i am finally developing the capacity to have healthy boundaries, and the people who use to take take take my niceness were quick to accuse and misjudge and name call when they couldnt exploit me anymore.

[@angelataylor5241]

Yah and sadly it's been 2 out of 3 kids

[@angelataylor5241]

I divorced my husband by 2005

[@jackiepowell7513]

They ( ppl) mistake your kindness for weakness.

[@jennifer7648]

​@@jackiepowell7513 Yes!! Due to being so kind, they think I am naive and it has always drove me crazy!! Although I take comfort in the fact that I know I am not at all. If I was as naive as everyone thinks I am, I would have been dead long ago!

[@shesfromplanetearth]

Thank you for sharing this, I'm happy you got to that point. I'm 35 now and I'm trying to push through in developing my boundaries. This motivates me today to keep on going

[@alinyrocha6717]

That’s so true. I see no point in bothering to have someone in life anymore. It’s never enough. Being a giver is a lonely road.

[@because-strudels]

This made me cry. I was in this relationship as a giver for years and when I finally flipped that switch, I felt ashamed for realizing I had no more left to give. My wounds felt like proof of my own failing, instead of the failings of the other. There is a lot of suffering between the "kept taking the hits" phase, and the "I deserve better" phase.

[@ayisha1978]

Don't feel guilty, every plant produces air for others throughout its life but every plant also needs some water in return to keep giving that air.

[@maryoleary2037]

Similar story for me. I gave and gave within a relationship. When I could give no more and considered leaving, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I felt I had no choice except to stay and care for him. When he passed I felt a sense of relief and then guilty for not being sadder. I realize now that I should have spoken up and asked for more equality the first year, rather than enduring years, until I hit a saturation point.

[@nura1627]

I married a sweetheart of a giver. Not being as natural of a nurturer myself, it often occurs to me that I must intentionally find ways to show him how much I care that convey the feeling _to him._ Never want to take him for granted or make him feel that way.

[@malwads1836]

😌...As you should, reciprocating is 🗝️.

[@retrogore420]

Very good. Thank you. I’m all about helping others so they can help themselves. Not about helping others so they can help themselves to my help.

[@KarmaCifer]

My experience dating people pleasers is the contrary, they get so happy and overwhelmed with all the love and affection and attention and I'm like "omg, I'm giving you the bare minimum, get your standards higher king". I just have to be careful to never pressure them, because I know they have a hard time saying no and knowing what they really want, so it takes time to learn they body language and kinda "read their minds" to know what they like and what they do just to please you. And be a mirror for their actions and teach them life will not end if they say no or disappoint you one time, you can just do a different fun thing.

[@DiraMcClintock]

That’s exactly what he is saying. You have to be careful not to take them for granted Give them more than the bare minimum

[@ivor000]

that's so pathetic, you see it and still don't give them what they deserve? you are the problem

[@KarmaCifer]

@@ivor000 did you read at all?

[@angelb.9632]

This resonates deeply with me. You've clarified the people pleaser and those who do more for others on a daily basis. But when the tank is empty, you're absolutely right. The switch is flipped and there's nothing left for that person anymore. That's when you're finally able to walk away, even if you're an anxious person. There's just nothing left to give. People will suck your soul right out of you if you let them.

[@veronicacobb8691]

That last sentence would make a great song! 😂

[@estelled389]

Yes I'm 😟 anxious attached I'm done Tank is empty I can even walk I'm so empty

[@aleciawimer8506]

Woe to the giver that expresses a need to a narcissist.

[@christinejones4785]

Totally Woe if a Narc gets a hold of you my advice run as fast as you can in the other direction

[@TheSearchers1000]

Yep. Learned the hard way. Gave up 5 years of my life to a narc. Never. Never. NEVER. Again.

[@CatherineBarber-i4n]

😂

[@CatherineBarber-i4n]

8 years here.

[@Cherryb0nb0ns]

Oh fr 😢 but it's lesson learned, will take awhile, we can be slow learners but we learn

[@susies9514]

WOW. The timing of this was sent from God!! This spoke to me on such a deep level. Just ended a 12 yr relationship because that switch. I feel so grateful that I finally hit that point and stopped accepting the crumbs. There are no words powerful enough to Thank you for this.

[@PositiveZ7]

It’s sad that I’ve just discovered that my need to see others do well and be happy took over my life to the point that it is unhealthy. I’ve realized the people I’ve surrounded myself with are takers leaving a huge void in my needs. I even felt guilty just now writing “my needs.” Not sure how to create a more balanced life.. but these videos have inspired me to respect the fact that I’ve set little to no expectations for others to give to me in my life. I’d like to try, being cared for and openly loved sounds nice.

[@tamoeri]

I know one of these. They have trouble with standing up for themselves. They even neglect themselves by thinking for you. So we're working on them showing their own desires, wishes and needs, without the filter of what's good for the other.

[@tamoeri]

@@amilani5768 I show them videos regularly. But watching shorts isn't their preferred method of relaxing. Thanks for the tip though! 🥰

[@thinkbetterhealth]

Jimmy doesn’t just do shorts, check out his actual channel and you will see he does regular long videos as well.

[@tamoeri]

@@thinkbetterhealth I know. Maybe phrased it weird. But they are more a Facebook scroll person than a KZbin person.

[@mvbigmagic4048]

"They even neglect themselves by thinking for you."

[@NadyaTytian]

This sounds like my typical relationships and some friendships. Once I have had enough, I can just switch off, and I feel so liberated and happy once I cut them off. Once I'm done, I'm done.

[@winifredokolo1861]

There will always be those who will take advantage and very few who appreciate your giving heart and kindness

[@kwl189]

Yeah. In a way it upsets me that deep down Jimmy is right. I can see the parallels in my own personal relationships. Spending time with that person and committing energy to them is so draining.

[@itz_kale7791]

Very true! I think it was how we were raised. I'm learning healthy boundaries and getting rid of toxic people. I'm learning not to crawl before anyone. We are all special and valid.

[@rainbowlove5391]

Not only for couples! But for the givers of family members, friends! I've stepped back from relatives who just take, take, take and never give! I'm done after 40 years of the BS!

[@milliem8051]

I know my longtime friend cares about me but I’m hurt, feeling like I’m a backup option to her bf/baby daddy (who sucks). I’ve lent her money 11 years ago, never bothered her about it cause I’m comfortable financially and she’s not, I’ve treated her to nice gifts, concerts- because I want to treat a friend. But I’m just feeling abandoned and she gave me a pretty thoughtless birthday gift recently (like random kids stickers and gummies from her work- I don’t eat gelatin gummies she knows that) recently and it set me off. It’s not even the money it’s just feeling I put more thought into things and I’m just sad 😞 I feel so alone right now. I wish I’d worked on building other relationships but I seem to attract users and with my trauma history (and I suspect maybe I’m mildly autistic) it’s just hard for me.

[@squoctopus]

​@@milliem8051It's hard for most people especially the older you get. For awhile I decided I shouldn't just walk away without telling the person why and giving them a chance. This was very hard for me but I felt it was fair. Sometimes it worked and the person became more thoughtful. Mostly they just denied. But both ways I found out who I was important to and who I wasn't. You've been a good friend for a long time, sounds like. So tell her you feel she doesn't value your friendship anymore, and tell her thanks and good wishes for the future. Send her a card if you want. See how she responds.

[@LilKrizan]

Yep, switch flicked for me after a two year relationship and once I walked away, he was with someone else within three days. He then contacted me six months later to ask for my advice of what he could do since she rejected his marriage proposal and said “If he loved her, the diamond in the ring would be bigger”. Seems he found his match. Meanwhile, I’m healed and giving love to the right people. Couldn’t be in a better place. Praise God!

[@kingkayfabe5358]

Wow the audacity! Bet it must've felt so nice to hear he was rejected

[@mjolnir9160]

That’s fucked up, and even tho I believe some people deserve a real second chance, in your case I can’t justify it.

[@genericyoutubename123]

As a recovering people pleaser, what's helping me is calling my people pleasing manipulative. Because in many ways it is, regardless of the reasons WHY I developed this habit. I am manipulating people by denying my needs and I won't be manipulative anymore. My boundaries and needs matter. And I am trying to speak up for myself more because of this.

[@JanasViLoegg]

Yeah this. There’s an important difference between being a giver and being a people pleaser. Being a giver comes from a good place, it’s about enjoying giving, it’s a form of love language, but it doesn’t interfere with one’s boundaries. Being a people pleaser comes from a place of trauma, it’s harmful for everyone involved, it’s not about enjoying the giving, but about having learned that as a survival strategy.

[@Roman_zBP]

How is it manipulative?(genuine question) You just treat others how you want to be treated

[@RebeckadV]

Yeah I think oftentimes there is a failure to recognize how manipulative it can be. I dated a self-described people pleaser for a while, and every time I tried to talk to him about any issue, he'd tell whatever "truth" he thought I wanted to hear. It was immensely painful and I felt like I was going increasingly insane because nothing seemed to be adding up, yet I knew that there was no way that there was any malicious intent involved. Towards the end any attempts to set the record straight led to him shutting me down by calling me creepy for remembering what he'd said in the past, or telling me that I was pressuring him. So I did my best to shut up and accomodate him. In his journey to be better at "self care" he didn't adress the core fuckin issue of his incessant lying to avoid conflict, and developed fun new strats like making me feel deeply ashamed for not knowing what to do.

[@ambivertsorcerer5644]

@@Roman_zBP By neglecting your own needs and not saying what you want/need, you put pressure on the other person to read your mind to know how to treat you well. And if that´s how you want to be treated then you want people to neglect their own needs in order to please you. I don´t like the word "manipulative" for reasons so please don´t get stuck on that word. But what I wrote is my honest criticism of people pleasing behavior.

[@CloudslnMyCoffee]

@@Roman_zBPit is an attempt to control others reactions and emotions

[@goosemomof6712]

Yep, so very well put. That’s me. The switch has gone “off” and the narcissist is wondering why I don’t care anymore. I’m done. 🤷‍♀️ I have nothing left to give. 😢

[@lizardltd]

I'm exactly that description of a people's pleaser. I like that you added that that's what we love to do, most people portray this as people who want to get something out of it, or that do it out of insecurities or stuff like that... But I genuinely get joy out of helping others, even if it's sometimes at my expense. Just wanted to write that ❤

[@phoebeanna-margarite8476]

This resonates❤

[@noodlenado7827]

🙌😊

[@ofallnames]

Remember he is only doing this video from the perspective of someone who thinks it’s okay to cheat on their partner at one point and has no professional expertise. He is just setting up his next spring board to cheat on his wife

[@lizardltd]

@@ofallnames how tf did you get to that conclusion

[@marleyisms]

@@lizardltd ❤️❤️❤️ thank you for this. I feel the same way. But when I'm done, I'm colder than Antarctica. I'm checked out. I have nothing else to give.

[@AF-ke9by]

It is nice to be seen. Yes, I agree with this description, completely. When I am done, there is no going back. You already had all your chances.

[@SylviaSolis-ue3cw]

As a giver I had to learn to ask for what I needed, if it falls on deaf ears, game over. He is so dead on. ❤

[@overboard3657]

I need this on a T-shirt as a constant reminder.😢

[@nicolewalsh7959]

@@SylviaSolis-ue3cw wish I had your strength. I was stupid to try harder and it still fell on deaf ears.

[@janicehill3102]

A truth I never heard put in words....thank you!

[@perronedana]

This is so dangerously spot on! Thank you so much for validating how I feel about my marriage. A beautiful flower can only thrive when it’s not growing in toxic soil!

[@aleacoburn]

As someone who resonates with this… thank you for not pathologizing or making me wrong for giving a tremendous amount of love. I feel validated by your words. The fact that I just saw this video feels like an omen from god, telling me, “you are seen and there are people out there who will advocate for you and back you the way you have always done for others.” I feel like a bottomless well of nurturing care. When I love somebody I cannot help but pour pour pour that love into them. It is healing and gratifying for me even if it’s not 100% reciprocated. Of course I long for reciprocity but I am happy regardless. I lose nothing but gain so much being able to care for others. The reward is their comfort, peace, happiness, ease. I have always been this way. And there are so many narratives out there that have made me doubt and be ashamed of being how I am, instead of loving me and trying to protect me. So this just means so much. And yes, a little has always gone a long way with me.

[@truthseeker2248]

I get what you're saying about people-pleasing. It can sometimes feel like there's an underlying need for validation, which might come across as a bit needy or insincere. Personally, I believe in helping others because it's the right thing to do, not because I'm looking for recognition. I even prefer to stay anonymous when I can, just to keep the focus on the act itself rather than any acknowledgment. Everyone's different, though, and I guess some people just seek that validation as part of their own journey.

[@aleacoburn]

@@truthseeker2248 I feel the same 1000%!

[@meera2531]

Learn boundaries... People pleasing is an unhealthy coping mechanism

[@LR-mh8hs]

I was a people pleaser for most of my life. When I matured, I stopped and it was so freeing. People pleasers attract the worst kind of human: narcissists.

[@inspired2rv661]

You’re so fortunate to have broken free from that pattern. I’ve been trying for years and I’ve succeeded with all my relationships except for my husband. Please share how you broke free from that pattern? I realize it’s different for everyone, but your comment gives me hope.

[@ChristyBagasao]

How do you break free from being a people pleaser without losing the desire to love on and serve others?

[@purrrrrrrple]

​@@ChristyBagasaoI guess knowing who deserves it? Having firm boundaries. Not doing anything for someone just because you can. Don't give more than asked. Don't give more than your energy is telling to. And don't tie your self worth to what you're doing for someone. You can't force someone to love you by doing everything they want. If they love you healthily, you should be able to say no ❤ That's what I've been learning about this so far. Also pouring my love to art, myself, studying, my kid, plants, my house, never a guy, unless he treats me equally nice

[@jennyp4450]

​@@ChristyBagasao I think learning to recognize why you are wanting to please people is also really helpful. Are you doing it because it brings you joy? That's healthy as long as it's not being taken advantage of. Are you doing it because you want someone to like you and you're afraid they won't otherwise? That's unhealthy and could be considered manipulation too. Basically are you trying to buy people with your love or are you doing it because it makes you feel good?

[@christinat56]

@@purrrrrrrpleYess got it!!

[@AIK786AJ]

Why are you just incredibly amazing hey…!? So delighted to watch and learn from all your posts…from all perspectives just thankyou immensely! 👏🏼👌🏼🤲🏼🙏🏼

[@MrsBungle6174]

As a people pleaser.. this resonates deep. I would walk away after enough neglect, but then feel guilty like I'm being cold and heartless. Obviously, that's not the case, but the takers will definitely make you feel that way

[@sylviedaragon2542]

Lack of respect and mutual care leads to killing attachment and love altogether.

[@thespiritualadvocate]

100%

[@roberthuber7031]

I literally just ended an 18 year relationship with someone who I thought was the love of my life for this exact reason. Her mother suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and my ex was diagnosed three years ago with Borderline Personality Disorder. It was not until I heard the quote "Givers have to set limits because takers never will" that I finally started setting boundaries and pushing for the respect I deserve. It was at this point when I realized how little love and respect my partner had for me, so I ended the relationship putting my needs first. It was the best thing I ever did and I am truly happy for the first time in years. Know your value and don't allow others to feed off of your kindness.

[@DK-eu2op]

this is hell...i am talking from experience

[@SB-me3fr]

I'm 44 and still learning how to set boundaries. I truly enjoy helping the people I love, but sometimes I'm just so tired, and I don't know how to say no I need to take care of me today.

[@lauretta90100]

Are you saying that they are guilty of having a mental disorder? Who would also explain their behaviour? This is such a wrong example!! at the end of the day being happy is the most important thing. Just, I wouldn’t blame others in this situation

[@amandareed4689]

Ummm I have BPD and am extremely giving to a fault…sooo 😐 dont think it’s fair for you to insinuate that all of us are selfish

[@sleepyraisins]

@@amandareed4689as someone who also has bpd, I am the same way. However my mother who also has it on the other hand is the opposite or will make you feel guilty later on for the things she gives you. So it all really depends on the person in what ways their bpd manifests since it’s a complex disorder. I don’t think this comment was exactly insinuating that everyone with bpd is selfish but I do think that parts of the disorder do make you selfish without realizing so it’s important to be self aware abt it in order to improve

[@Usagi-rt5vn]

your compassion helps me through a really really hard time I appreciate you so much thank you. Thank you for helping so many people.

[@phoenixrising5338]

Yep. As my ex-husband and my oldest daughter found out. Take, take, take. Until I said, "I'm done." I wasn't a total people pleaser but I am an empath. I don't advise really, really pissing off an empath. They will be with you through everything until you lose their respect and trust. Then they will step right over you and move on in a blink and they won't look back.

[@flaggov6949]

This. Once the trust is gone, there's no recovering it, so when they softly tell you their concerns you better listen.

[@hkoepfle]

Oh. My. Gosh. I have never felt more seen. I’m sitting here crying. This is me. I am the people pleaser. To someone who has broken my heart over and over. I am done. Trying to find a way to get out. Bc I do deserve more. You are a gem on the internet. Thank you for your posts.

[@ohdiverdoc]

I feel that way. It is like a switch, and once it is flipped, and my limit is reached, I am totally done.

[@HarbingerofGinger]

Above all else, this is exactly what I needed to hear today...To make sense of my own emotional state of mind, and why it feels *so yucky* lately. Not quite a "broken" giver just yet, but so grateful to know what I'm looking at, for my own peace of mind. Thank you 🙏😌

[@KMG829]

My husband took everything I had to give. After 4 decades my body shut down and he walked. Thank God. I wasn't strong enough to leave.

[@shittune]

that sounds horrid i'm so sorry that you had to go through something like that for 4 decades, that's an unimaginable amount of pain..

[@kathrintzumerka6603]

I’ve discovered after being kind and always giving that I’M THE PRIZE!!

[@4GiftedHands]

I’M GUILTY OF BEING PEOPLE PLEASER & GIVER… BUT NOW I’M VIGILANT.

[@vickibazter3446]

@@4GiftedHands GOOD 👍

[@rsamom]

Yes I flipped, now not giving a lot to anyone, just here and there, and stop myself when I feel I am.being taken advantage of.

[@rattiegirl5]

​@rsamom Yes, I am single now, and ironically some people think it is because I do not care about love, but it is because I am tired of mistreatment. When I was a naive teenager, I pictured myself married with kids and a camper, a dog and a cat. I have the dog, but no husband or kids.

[@mordecaimwanakhu123]

This is literally me 😭

[@bunnymad5049]

@@rsamom same

[@dorriethomas6930]

Yep. I had a most kind, giving husband. He'd been used and abused. I nurtured him back to safety and trust. I lucked out because I understood his value. It was awesome.

[@king-qo8fi]

THIS IS CORRECT. and narcissists know this. They prey on people pleasers and use them up. I reached my limit exactly 2 years ago today when I found out that “Michael” in his phone was actually “Marie. I blew and blew big…high and to the right” I AM SO HAPPY I AM NOT WITH HIM TODAY. what a loser.