Are they a Narcissist or just Avoidant?? Here's how to tell...

• 7 Signs They Are "THE ...
Here's the easiest way to tell if someone is a narcissist or just an avoidant. They can both love bomb, they can both dismiss or invalidate your feelings, they are both intimacy averse and emotionally unavailable. However, there's one major difference between the two and it can really help us to decide how to navigate that relationship.
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#narcissist #avoidantattachment #datingadvice

[@TheEtherealgrl]

"You were so worried about them abandoning you, that you abandoned yourself" This is deep!

[@Sirg17x]

I did this. I let myself become the background character. The Luigi to her Mario. Her job aspirations were more important than any of my dreams in life. I let my boundaries fall for her. I know for one thing my boundaries are my boundaries and I will not move them for anyone in the future.

[@LisaLauve]

❤❤FACTS❤❤

[@Karen-mx2fp]

Deep and true

[@lifewiththedahls4708]

Made me tear 😅 and I rarely get teary

[@user-rx4od1jo2d]

I’ve always abandoned me in every relationship. I was trained by my mother from birth. This was an eye opener. I just have to figure out how to change. That’s not going to be so easy.

[@rebeldown771]

"the avoidant doesn't even want to have needs, and they certainly don't want you meeting them because then that means they're relying on you" that blew my mind...

[@luvfunstuff2]

That's exactly right. And, it's so painful when they won't let you do *anything* for them. After years & years of this type of rejection I just gave up wanting to meet any needs.

[@leeannsummerfield3989]

That sounds more like schizoid PD, just sayin :)

[@melissaphillis7247]

That's my husband to a tee

[@CabbageFarmer]

Pair avoidant with dependent Gets interesting

[@zeeklopez4951]

That part got me too

[@penelope5]

As an avoidant, I once sobbed because I felt like a horrible person and grappled with the thought that I might be a narcissist. Then I realized, a narcissist would never cry about how their actions might’ve made someone feel. The guilt of being an avoidant kills me. I care so much deep down

[@robertduluth8994]

They will never care about us, im sorry

[@freewoman]

​@robertduluth8994 they do care, I just don't understand why they tend to push us away. It's so painful 😢

[@MelW669]

@@robertduluth8994 we do care. Deeply. So much it hurts physically.

[@MelW669]

@@freewoman because we are a threat to them. True intimacy has meant pain and suffering for them in the past. It’s really not fair to anyone to ever have to feel that way. And it’s hard to be in a relationship with someone if they haven’t developed the capacity for true intimacy. It truly sucks for both people.

[@robertduluth8994]

@@freewoman caring or not they will eventually grow frustrated and reinforce the idea that relationships are pain portals

[@crator078]

I saw a quote online that could help people who are in an unhealthy relationship like this "If I could love the wrong person this much, imagine how much I would love the right person."

[@yesiltarla2320]

Well...... maybe not! I wish things were that straightforward.

[@xoxjelloxox]

There is something in me that doesn’t gravitate towards god people. Friends yes is ok but not relationship

[@aliburch4273]

​@xoxjelloxox same here :/ I'm just starting to learn to choose good people, how to tell if someone is bad or fake or whatever... and I didn't even start until recently

[@theDurgaLove]

They get high off of loving the wrong person. If the right person were there, they likely wouldn't love them.

[@xoxjelloxox]

@@theDurgaLove it’s a curse. I’m doing this right now.

[@ElvenChaos]

As an avoidant type, I promise I'm not here to hurt people. *I* have been so hurt and used/taken advantage of by almost everyone in my life, so I developed this to protect myself. But I've been doing years of work on it in therapy and I'm very self aware. Thats the key. You need to be self aware to get through this and do better.

[@johanna77777]

Same here.. agreed ❤

[@antigrace1]

I wish you well. 😊

[@suzanneholman1203]

Good for you! I hope you find happiness.

[@kellysandblom6508]

Thank you for this and I’m so happy for you that you’re going to therapy and working on yourself. It’s hard work, but I commend you. What was the turning point or reason that made you go to therapy?

[@victorial8764]

❤ it’s okay. Just try to heal and become safer. You are still important and should be loved too!

[@nerdyrebel1050]

"you are used to getting inconsistent love" that hit me so hard

[@Tesis]

Yes I was fine and then this line comes out of his mouth and wow that was painful

[@barbaraannscarlet7885]

Agreed

[@mucotessi1178]

It heat me so badly

[@carlf.9035]

Unless we wake up and fight for ourselves.

[@hnrabe25]

Same

[@GabrielleP310]

The ultimate message in my opinion: every single person needs to become self-aware of their behaviors and take accountability.

[@Ryker150]

That’s the thing… that people exactly know what the fùçk they are doing :)

[@OneManCollaboration]

But even if you do this you are screwed if you get paired up with one of these people. And it’s not like you can just meet them once and know. These people can mask, lie, and manipulate for years and when finally caught and called out there is no remorse or recognition or guilt or closure. They’ve already convinced themselves and truly believe long ago that all their lies and games and hurtful behaviors are fully justified and that there is nothing wrong. Being on the receiving end of such a thing, even if you are very self-aware, secure, and accountable is absolutely maddening. It is literally reality bending. Trust me I’ve had plenty of experience. NOT FUN

[@GabrielleP310]

@@OneManCollaboration I totally agree with you! It’s almost unavoidable in the dating/relationship realm for everyone to have experienced varying levels of abuse/manipulation/etc….

[@OneManCollaboration]

@@GabrielleP310 Like at this point I truly question whether I even want to bother. And I am truly a genuine, honest, real, kind, smart, strong, successful, supportive, generous, interesting, talented, etc guy. And when dealing with people like this NONE OF THAT MATTERS. You have absolutely 0 control and just get the rug slowly pulled out from under you and gaslit or you get it yanked from under you one day and while you’ve hit your head and are dazed again you are gaslit 😅

[@mgn1621]

And work on themselves….

[@LondonBroilSandwiches]

I think avoidants are often those who have had parents that were narcissists and or had other cluster B personality disorders....speaking from experience. The attachment style develops as a way to protect ourselves being let down or hurt again by any other person and or simply repeating the relationship pattern they saw their toxic parents act out when they were children. This is not an excuse but I just wanted to share my insight.

[@inononeeee]

true

[@Lisa19000]

True or actually i think that is only half/partly true... I think that people with such parents may go pretty much equally to avoidant or anxious??? And I also think that it has to do with a lot more factors, than just the parents. I especially don't agree on that study that put the weight of attachment styles on the Moms parenting style from age birth to 2. Idk if the wording says Mom, but let's get real here, that's what they meant. Maybe I'm nieve, but I think that it is few and far between that a Mom doesn't give a child from birth to 2 healthy caregiving. My God, that is instinct, adaptation/evolution for a mother to develop a mentally and physically healthy child for human species survival, for petes' sake. There might be validity birth to 2 attachment style weight/heavily determined, in our society, bc the primary caregiver is daycare, 40 hrs, plus commute time. But I still think that attachment style isn't "pretty much determined by age 2." And then those same professionals say that you can develop heathy attachment styles later in life. That does not make sense. You can develop/work towards a healthy attachment style after age 2 (as an adult). But you can't have a healthy attachment style birth to 2 and then other factors can't lean you to unhealthy btw 2 and adulthood. I not only think that attachment isn't primarily formed bf age 2, I think that ones attachment style can easily change and even be different with different people. I think that the theory/thought by professionals is too rigid and very obviously incorrect and easily debunked, many times. I'm not saying that it isn't primarily from the parents. I'm saying that if parents fail kids, it isn't typically birth - 2. I think that it is well after that most times. I think that way more weight needs to be given to adolescent age development, parent relationship, as well as more weight given to peers and authority figures in their social/away from home life, during that time, as well as parents.

[@llbailey9946]

This makes sense with mine. BOTH of our parents were narcissist-avoidant marriages but we adopted opposite coping strategies as children cuz of our opposite relationships with the narcissist mothers. He was doted on and treated like the messiah, as was my brother, while I was hated, envied, torn down at every chance. This makes things so crystal clear the dynamic.

[@lorishu48103]

Or any kind of poverty , trauma, many siblings , culture of repression like Germans lol but true

[@angelahutton9494]

Thank you for sharing this perspective! It's very helpful. Blessings on your healing journey!

[@meetandinspire]

"It only takes one person to change a relationship for the better but it always takes two to actually feel connected and close."

[@user-rs7qe6vv4b]

Perfectly put

[@joev7014]

Yup

[@pryork09]

💯. I started working on myself and doing inner work to heal myself. It’s changed my marriage for the better 👍🏻

[@Armygirl4Christ]

It also takes only one to completely shipwreck the relationship.

[@edwardherman3450]

it's a very optimistic quote, it sounds good but, changing a relationship is not the same thing as making a relationship work. That takes two people.

[@rynfiaryn]

My last partner was avoidant. He was a total sweetheart and never once demeaned or belittled me. We never even fought. But he was also completely incapable of prioritizing me or meeting any of my needs. It was my first serious relationship with someone I actually cared about and my inexperience led to me doing a lot of things wrong, but in the end, it was just simple incompatibility... It still hurts, but hopefully the next one goes better now that I've learned a lot.

[@tufftgr]

I believe if both partners put in the work to become more secure together, it can work. Was he not willing to meet you half way ?

[@HoszHosz]

What do you mean by a total sweetheart? This doesn't sound like someone who doesn't care about your needs. This is belittling, like, literally. Putting you much lower on the priority list because you don't matter. Expecting you to do all the emotional labor for the relationship by negligence and ignoring that it doesn't work this way. Because for him it worked until you were the pursuer who was willing to align to his self-centeredness.

[@rynfiaryn]

@tufftgr No, he just couldn't handle those kinds of conversations. He would just shut down. We were long distance as well, which made everything that much harder, yet easier for him to avoid things.

[@rynfiaryn]

@@HoszHosz You don't know him, so you can't say what he's like. You can either take me at my word or not. It's my lived experience and I don't have to explain it to you.

[@tufftgr]

@@rynfiaryn long distance definitely makes it harder , I have been listening to a lot of videos on Adam lane smith channel , I would definitely recommend to anyone dating an avoidant. I wish you the best in your next relationships 🤗

[@SophiasIchor]

"You deserve someone who wants to put in the work to make this relationship work." Fact.

[@tatianadeneve]

“One person cannot create a healthy relationship. It takes two.” 🙏🏽🏆

[@snblee]

15:54 you know you’re healing when you’re no longer trying to villainize the narcissist or avoidant… best common ever

[@ah_nvm]

I agree. The injustice feels so severe in the beginning that we are impulsive and reactive and when we tell our stories, we keep saying this and that. I'd been in that stage. But yes healing is a lot about self-acceptance, to know and understand that your happiness is still in your control and you can still work towards it and build the life you want. At some point, there is just indifference. There is no villainising, their name doesn't cause you to get distracted, and you're happy that both of you went separate ways.

[@pureheartsinlove6177]

I'm finally there! 🙌

[@SYW12345]

Underrated

[@umm0821]

!!!!

[@Bonwilliams29]

I'm getting there, finally. After 24 years of marriage, 4 kids, the shock of his infidelity really put me into such an angry mood for quite some time. It's been about 9 months, the divorce is nearing the end, and I'm beginning to feel that I'm letting go of that anger - it doesn't serve me at all, and it really doesn't matter anymore, I'm just happy to be free now.

[@83aquastar]

“It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem.” - things a narc wouldn’t say.

[@sherij9847]

This is true😳My ex was an avoidant. I didn’t know about attachment styles during that time. I knew he wasn’t a Narc because I’d studied this. He once said” It’s me. I need to work on myself.” something a Narc would never say. We didn’t work out of course. But It’s great discerning one from the other.

[@agatamakulska4442]

They would sometimes to suck you back and show fake remorse.

[@JonathanTodd-og7dd]

Covert narcissist will do that and even threaten self harm to get you to come back and apologize. But definitely a malignant or classic narcissist would never.

[@agatamakulska4442]

@@JonathanTodd-og7dd yes covert this is my husband. He apologized dozens of times times to repeat the same thing again and use your vulnerability.

[@jenster29]

A narc would absolutely say this. They say whatever they need to

[@MsBettyRubble]

I'm avoidant. The lie I grew up with was how important family is. But the reality was that my parents didn't value, protect, defend, love their children. We needed to be silent, invisible, brilliant, accomplished, but without having any needs. I was made to feel that any help I received or asked for was an imposition and laziness on my part. Every bf I've had has had the same beliefs. So bc I don't choose well, I've decided it's best to stop. Even when friends try to match me, they choose cheats, control freaks, or felons for me. So I don't trust friends either.

[@CabbageFarmer]

Whoa. Yes, I understand all of this from an I know an avoidant perspective. Same upbringing.

[@SisypheanRoller]

There's a lot to unpack there but here are some questions you should think about. What do you mean you don't choose well? Do you think it's somehow your fault for not being able to spot people's inner lives before even getting to know them? Do you think your friends are going out of their way to pick bad matches for you? Have you considered that maybe the only way to meet good people is to unavoidably sift through some challenged individuals?

[@nomadcarpenter8549]

​@SisypheanRoller people are subconsciously attracted to the unhealed parts of themselves. Heal yourself, and you will attract healthy people

[@justiceforusall7038]

broooooo 🫂🫂🫂 I had similar thoughts when listening regarding family

[@stolensilver6963]

You must be my sister

[@harremsis]

I love this perspective! "They're not a bad person, they're just a bad partner FOR YOU." - really a breath of fresh air amongst all the "destroy the narcissist" hate.

[@Lyrielonwind]

I think avoidants can give you a silent treatment because they don't want to say things they might regret later. They might reclaim their space or go for a walk because arguing bring them old, nasty memories.

[@trishclark1915]

That's me in a nut shell

[@Lyrielonwind]

@@trishclark1915 Tell whoever you are arguing with that you will come back when both are chilled and ready to talk without using ammunition like adults without yelling or getting offensive. Give them also time to cool off and make clear you can't stand yelling or passive aggression, whatever triggers you. That's what I would try to do but it doesn't work with people who don't want to find an agreement because they just want to win the argument.

[@anerdygoldenagesoprano]

Exactly me. When I reach my breaking point I dont want to hurt anyone and I know I will if I stay around. I say things I dont mean when i'm overwhelmed

[@paisleyduck]

This would be fine, except there needs to be a calm time to circle back around and talk about things. Ignoring the conflict and acting normal hours or days later is what gets me.

[@Lyrielonwind]

@@paisleyduck That's what narcissists would do. I don't know much about avoidant. I just don't bother as much as I used to trying to fix things up. If I find someone who doesn't want to address a problem I accept it but I'm gone. There's no healthy relationship when one of the parties don't care or try to force you to ignore the problem or leave you with the job of doing it all, etc. I don't bother trying to fix anyone or even explaining things that are obvious. I just accept that person is not invested and forget about them. I can be flexible and give chances but I am not going to chase someone. I understand we all need time for ourselves and that maybe a moment is not the right moment to clear things up for anyone and postpone, leaving because you are too mad at the moment but, never finding the time? No. I think if you give people chances and they don't want them, you can't force them. I guess that's why many men are surprised when they get divorce papers served. They still will say...and suddenly, like if there weren't any previous signs but that's fooling themselves and others. They probably thought not addressing the problem would make it dissapear.

[@miahan8988]

A friendly reminder to my dear fellow avoidants: Your needs are not less important than your anxious partner’s needs. You are not a bad person just because you are an avoidant attachment type and they’re not a good person just because they are an anxious attachment type who “just wants some love”. If you’re like me then you probably would LOVE to meet the needs of your loved ones if you COULD. But sometimes you’re just crawling in your skin and hating yourself to death because you think you SHOULD want to give them what they need right now. But you’re not a machine. You need to heal and you deserve love and respect too ❤ I’ve realised that right now (1) I’m unable to have someone depend on me and (2) I’m unable to meet someone else’s emotional and physical needs. That’s why I’ve decided I’ll not have children and that I’ll not start a relationship until I’ve healed. You’re not a bad person for prioritising your health and needs ❤ you’ve been hurt and it’s not your fault, but you can always choose to work on yourself in order to have a better life ❤

[@hain7]

So true... I hope your healing comes swiftly and completely.

[@fredslayton]

The hardest part is understanding that the avoidant I trauma bonded with only did it because she loved me as much, if not more. The way her eyes would get lost in mine and the longing for connection I felt in her touch was only proven more real to me with the level of her discard. It hurts to walk away knowing she's wounded but it's not my job to heal her. I can only hope that our loss is the last step for our mutual healing apart. it's like seeing a wounded wild animal caught in a trap but you can't help it because it would tear you to shreds in the process of rescuing it.

[@Lisa19000]

If you're to this point, ask a therapist, but I'm wondering if asking them to watch Heidi Priebe's When You Realize You are the Toxic One is a good idea. Heidi is an expert on Relationship Styles. She literally says in it not to send that video to someone. But I'm thinking it can't hurt? And if it doesn't help you and she, if you really love her, you want her to be happy. Maybe it will eventually help her realize that she has some things to work on and she'll have healthier relationships in the future. Everyone needs to learn that everyone has room for improvement. Even those in the healthy range of attachment style.

[@Deepintent]

@@Lisa19000 I tried this approach with a different video. It backfired terribly. As much as one wants to help, save, rescue, enlighten or reflect, not everyone is ready or willing to look in the mirror, take the mask off and accept what they see.

[@Lisa19000]

@Deepintent The only reason I suggested that is because he's already walking away. If there are no other connections, a clean break, how can it hurt unless she is a sociopath bent on revenge to ruin his life. And it doesn't sound like that is the case. You can look at it 2 ways I guess. It definitely won't help, so why do it? Or this is the very last ditch effort/option left, so why the hell not?

[@Deepintent]

@Lisa19000 I've felt the same way, said effit, and sent. Doesn't work because , no matter what brilliant insight or perspective one hopes they get, it's always a last-ditch effort. Casting pearls and leading to water is useless work.

[@RedRoyce]

I'm an old man now at 64 but you young man are very smart and have good insight. God bless you Keep helping people. So many don't understand what love is.

[@a.d.b535]

You're not old unless you've thrown in the towel. I'm 67 and feel 25.

[@RoseOfSaudia]

64 is not old 😮

[@yesiltarla2320]

Exactly! I was surprised to read his comment!

[@desertbluesplaylist7550]

64 is not old

[@ashton1952]

Avoidants ''dismiss' also because of manipulation, or perceived manipulation, esp when the other person doesn't know how to regulate their own emotions too well. Hard for them to trust, and they're trying to see what the person is about by their opening up. A narcissist will outright dismiss/invalidate someone, regardless of whichever insecure att style they may have because, simply they feel they take first place and you don't count as much.

[@parakitt4500]

thank you, so well put !

[@bxrosie04]

3:31 “…and this isn’t a popular opinion but the truth is anxiously-attached partners have just as many issues as the avoidant.” Thank you, sir! You have no idea how validating that feels. ❤

[@michaelmich00]

so you have another reason to blame your ex u pushed away? lol

[@edithtierce8209]

@@michaelmich00Pretty much. Never mind they probably created the anxiously attached person’s reactions. I have always been very independent but in the ENGAGEMENT I am in lol with an avoidant who pretended to not be so for years… Until we got engaged, bought a house and moved in together. Then the relationship started playing out in the same manner as his parents because this is what you do when you move in together and get engaged apparently. I started feeling the tendency to he anxious due to his behaviors towards me every day. It was basically a brainwashing… He is in therapy now for what his mind automatically told him was the way you behave once you move in together. 😂 You get engaged, move in together and then start having totally separate lives with no love or intimacy, all separate friends and outings with said friends, no dates, no celebrations together but I should be interested in consistent sex regardless of all of this. Nope! Not if we don’t have any relationship here… I wouldn’t have sex with a guy I wasn’t engaged to if he treated me this way so why do you get sex when we have no relationship, just because I technically have a ring? What people witness as kids and just how much they absorb without realizing then act out in their own lives… Even decades later is absolutely wild.

[@EsseQuamVideriSe7en]

@@michaelmich00 ⁠Mean comment of the day award 🥇 Anxious partners always feel they are in the right to push and prod their avoidant partners because "they are only looking for love". They do what their anxious attachment style dictates for them to do to feel safe from their own unhealthy place, and yet villainize the avoidant for doing the same. Both people are unhealthy and are hurting their partner from their woundedness. The difference is the anxious is much more likely to blame only the avoidant and use words like Narcissist. For there to be any hope for the relationship both partners need to get healing for their past hurts, and to help the other heal by showing compassion and understanding.

[@bxrosie04]

@@EsseQuamVideriSe7en❤️

[@EsseQuamVideriSe7en]

Unfortunately Anxious and Avoidants get together all too often and two unhealthy people start something Sue Johnson calls "The Dance". It will take two people working on themselves, and then later together, to hopefully make things work, but it can start with you working on yourself. Knowing it's both of you is definitely worth knowing but you can only work on one person and that's you.

[@KM-kn6nu]

“Do they respect your boundaries- do they even CARE what they are..”

[@leeannsummerfield3989]

Yes, avoidant care. They are not narcissists.

[@cassandrareedy7369]

An avoidant says "You trapped me!" A narcissist says "You're trapped!"

[@lyndsaybrown8471]

Might be triggering, moving below: A narcissist says, "it's your fault you feel trapped. And have you thought of my feelings? Don't you think I feel trapped and, worse, embarrassed, by being in a relationship with you? You're clearly the lucky one in the relationship. I do so much for you" Etc and much bullshit more.

[@user-fz7nt5ge3o]

(This may be an avoidant, its a brand new thing to me, I just starting learning about avoidant) That's perfect, thank you. I had an avoidant say "You made me get addicted to you" or "You're going to get me addicted to you"

[@normanclatcher]

Plot twist guys: I may now actually _be_ the covert narc, and I owe it to my avoidant mother, who got it from _deep trauma_ from bullying from her older brother in childhood (now dead,) and she's simply never gonna reopen that can no matter *_how much I want her to._* ...all I gotta do is hope I can break the cycle going forward, but fr-- _her_ trauma, secondhand, on *_me??_* drives me _CRAAAAAZY._

[@cassandrareedy7369]

@@normanclatcher she can heal. It's on her, not you, but if you want to be loved, be loving. If it doesn't work out the way you want, keep trying your best. I applaud your considerate nature!

[@Jennifer-vk4jc]

I think it’s important to bring up and discuss attachment styles. You can’t heal what you don’t know/understand.

[@christianthequeer7251]

Okay, but as someone who's been fighting about whether or not I'm a narcissist, this video made me cry. I realized that I'm not. I'm just avoidant with anger issues. Everything you said about the avoidant I resonate with. Thank you for starting to make videos, Jimmy. You've really helped my growing process

[@Lily_and_River]

He has said in another video that a true narcissist would never ask himself that question. So the fact that you're even willing to ask yourself that and learn about it says a whole lot. I wish you the best on your healing journey!

[@LordBlk]

I hear you brother. I blow up when I'm dumped, but in the relationship I don't want to bring up what my feelings are. And I just got dumped for saying that it feels like it's not safe to say how I feel

[@justin4861]

I was getting tired of people villianizing avoidants, but thank you for touching on that topic

[@le_th_]

Narcissists need to be admired publicly. That's the dead giveaway. Could be fame, sports, stage, politics, pulpit, PTA, HOA, military, medicine, non-profit, charity, social justice warrior, or arm candy/money. It's all about being admired by others. It's all about keep up (public) appearances and manipulating others and controlling their public persona.

[@FreshStart2024-qg8zm]

so if his room is full only of his medals (sport or military) and not one photo of his 5 year gf? Then he's probably more narc than avoidant?

[@MarthaAnthony]

Only overt or grandiose Narcissists. There are many types of supply and Narcissists. They need attention, and it can easily come from victimhood such as illness, poverty, bad relationships etc, or it can show up not in being seen as the best, but in undercutting competition.

[@MarthaAnthony]

@@FreshStart2024-qg8zm Could be either or neither, but Grandiose Narcissists are more likely to have arm candy partners which they show everyone, especially if they have an ex- to hurt. But that is only one type of Narcissist. To understand anyone, look at the bigger picture and their actions more widely, rather than one behaviour. It's possible he just never thought to have a photo of someone he sees all the time. Some people don't grow up with a lot of photos so that it doesn't occur to them. Give him a pic and see if he displays it. Look at whether you were love-bombed, or if he is there for you when you are down and out/ inconvenient/ not able to be there for him (e.g. when sick). Consider whether his love is conditional on you doing some things, and his happiness always more important than yours etc.

[@hain7]

​​@@MarthaAnthony I agree...not all covert narcs want outright acknowledgement but may internal crave it. For them to seek it outright would make them look prideful... which is shaming to them. And they never want shame.

[@DolphinsPlayingInAquaMoonlight]

The same goes for BPD's. I would run from both of them.

[@tricialafrancerougas]

Exactly… if they don’t care about hurting you, belittle you, don’t respect your boundaries, are okay going to sleep while you’re crying because they did something that you’ve already told them hurts you, dismiss your feelings and tell you they’re trying to bring you back to reality or that you have mental issues and need to get help, tell you how amazing their friends wives are and what all they do when you do everything they ask of you, lie to their friends about you so they think poorly of you, tell you that you have no reason not to trust them when they’ve lied repetitively to you and been unfaithful, just run…

[@umutkara739]

😂

[@DodgeThatAttack]

Yeah this has pretty much told me that even if they're not a narcissist, if they act nearly indistinguishable from one, you still shouldn't have to put up with that

[@AnjaFujawaMissTravelBlog]

I love the plants in the background, they create a calm atmosphere.

[@zoeyanaqvi-zn7482]

❤

[@helgaherbstreit5102]

That was incredibly enlightening. This explains to me why my husband withdraws so often, why he has difficulty with intimacy, why he avoids talking about what he needs and fulfills his needs secretly and through lies. Now I understand better why he often just closes himself off and why he prefers to only have professional contacts. I feel that he has no bad intentions and that he doesn't want to hurt me. He does it anyway with his silence and his lies. I often have the impression that he wants to repair the damage by being helpful. He cannot understand what feelings his behavior triggers. I can explain how this came about from his family history. He now has therapeutic help. I'll see what happens. Anyway, thank you very much for this post.

[@haleyroserecords]

Thank you for the validation. I dated an avoidant and I was madly in love with him. I discovered attachment styles when I was going crazy trying to figure out what was going wrong. I went back and forth for months- is he a narcissist? Is he an avoidant? We didn’t work out. I’m finally almost completely healed a year later. And though I tried everything I possibly could, we just didn’t work out in the end. Everything you’ve said is completely accurate, I knew he didn’t have malicious intent, yet I kept getting hurt. Which is why I stayed and went back as much as I did. We really did love each other. But he triggered my anxiety and I just couldn’t control it because I’d never get the reassurance I verbally asked for. When I’m with a secure man (which I have been) my anxiety calms down and goes away after about 3 months, as long as I’m reassured. Now that I know I have an anxious attachment style, I’m working on my healing, so that I don’t hurt my secure partner in the future. Can you make a video on that? On ways an anxious partner can become more secure? Or a video on healing the attachment style, if that’s even possible? If you already have a video like that I would love to watch it!!! I want to be the best partner I can be. Thank you so much. I feel so validated and all my confusion is now in the past! :)

[@BillundBerries]

You should watch videos about becoming securely attached by Heidi Priebe. Everything you shared resonated with me 😢

[@haleyroserecords]

@@BillundBerries I will definitely check those out! Thank you! 🩷

[@ashleighadams1842]

This makes me feel so bad for being a Dismissive-Avoidant person. I hurt someone six years ago and haven’t gotten back into a relationship since, because I worry so much about pulling away and causing hurt. I can consciously try to be caring and empathetic and patient and available but it’s so hard for me to trust and override my protective/independent-at-all-costs instincts.😢

[@NavaSDMB]

My cousin is the most avoidant person I know (which among other things means "more than me") and she's been with the same guy for over 15 years. Second long-term relationship for her, I haven't asked for his lifetime file. There's hope, but it's difficult to hold onto it when the belief that you're unlovable is such a big part of your core.

[@nugget6635]

I actually think this... Avoidants = non-accountable. Therefore. When anyone is near an avoidant it's a personal responsibility to avoid avoidants at all costs. "But if everyone follows your advice then no one will ever date an avoidant." I just think avoidants should date eachother. But yeah I do believe in answering the avoidance of avoidants with permanent abandonment. I just think independent people who need no one really should stay lonely forever. Because people are unnecessary right? So be it. I don't think avoidants need relationships or should be in them. People around avoidants should just get smarter and learn everything about it. I think anxious people can still be held accountable therefore I think the solution is to make anxious people smarter...

[@craw2072]

​@nugget6635 That's a pretty cruel thing to wish on anyone. "Stay lonely forever"? That sounds like you want avoidant folks to be punished forever rather than healing themselves and finding love (in whatever form).

[@LauraAnca]

I hope you’re taking care of yourself and getting professional help. We all end up with forms of insecure attachments through no fault of our own. So get all the support you need. A therapist is a great place to start. I also recommend healing attachment wounds through friendships, as the stakes and demands can feel lower and safer. And whatever you do, don’t listen to those that say you should stay alone forever. They’re just hurting very much too, and that kind of pain can be blinding. Oh, and another amazing YT channel for this kind of stuff is Heidi Priebe. Check her videos out. She’s amazing!

[@ashton1952]

​@@nugget6635it's not about people being unnecessary, you haven't understood. These are people who have survived traumas, and it feels like something massive and overwhelming that makes them leave. If you've ever suffered a panic attack, well the feeling is a bit like that. I'm not saying what they do is right, but please work on your own healing, be aware of the effect you have on others, hurting people you've never met with unkind comments, who have done you no wrong, is not right either. Better to let go and take yourself out of the messed up energy of whoever hurt you. If you're healed you will attract secure people in future.

[@5EmBem]

An avoidant still has empathy but a narcissist doesn't

[@robertdeskoski9783]

Incorrect. Avoidants can also have impaired empathy responses.

[@pixiepianoplayer114]

Avoidants tend to have empathy on their terms..IE: If they have some sort of experience or when they feel "up to it' . Narcs delight in your pain, and especially if they cause it. They will manipulate your pain for their nefarious purposes.

[@nugget6635]

I would argue... None of them have any empathy whatsoever. Thing is... Narcissists are meaner, more aggressive, more impulsive... An avoidant can be a well put together person however empathy is just not there. Insecure people either have defficient empathy or a total lack of it. Only secure people have full empathy and it's a limited resource even in secure people.

[@nugget6635]

​​​A narc isn't necessarily malignant like that. But it is true malignant narcissists are sadists. So actually narcissists have negative empathy. Avoidants just don't have any. In my opinion avoidants might not be sadists but have the exact same amount of empathy as narcissists and antisocials. Major difference between narcissists and avoidants is... validation seeking. Narcissists seek validation that's basically it.

[@ElvenChaos]

​@@nugget6635 I'm an avoidant autistic person. Hi. I most likely have more empathy than most people, but I internalize it because it's very overwhelming for me and to protect myself, as a trauma response. Avoidants definitely have empathy. We've just been so hurt by others, we turned out this way.

[@caterinaplatt9811]

My most recent two relationships were a narcissist (35 years, father of my children) and a fearful avoidant (recent boyfriend). Jimmy, you are spot on. Although the other major difference between the two - an avoidant can get help, is accountable, and can heal. A narcissist never will.

[@hain7]

thank you for your statement as you spoke what I thought would be another difference btwn the 2. I also think that a covert narc can act by sub-conscience to the point of their emotional disengagement with a spouse where they believe and blame the spouse for all the martial conflict because they do not see any issues within themselves needing to be worked on. This by no means dismisses that they need to take responsibility, it just makes it harder for them to.

[@bikemson8813]

Dated an avoidant, and BOY, what a disruptively toxic ride it was!! In all my life, I’d never felt so lonely as I felt in that relationship. What I found even more shocking was how much drained I felt in the relationship, even in their presence. It was like this person was sucking out everything from me and giving me nothing. Glad that I got out finally. Praying for anyone still struggling 🙏🏾

[@GabrielleP310]

Yup. To me it felt so very difficult just to connect with them. They act like their life is so special and should be locked up in a box. I felt like I had to pull teeths out of this person. They barely initiated convos or shared anything, basically a pillow princess🤣. There was also a sense of fear from them not wanting to get too close, always at an arms length.

[@kjshow4173]

My struggle ended today.

[@MelW669]

It is exhausting. Absolutely draining. Feels like hard work to sit around and wait for someone to decide you’re worth investing time and energy into and by the time that comes, you’ve moved on because who the hell wants to sit around and wait on someone to figure out if they actually want to be with you? It makes a person feel totally devalued and unappreciated.

[@OneManCollaboration]

Also you just can’t trust them. They live in a distorted reality, have deep insecurities, project them onto you, dismiss your feelings and then dismiss when you call them out on doing so, and they will still justify obvious wrongs in their head because they genuinely do not fully understand nor are they aware of themselves, what they truly want, their motivations, wants, needs, desires, etc. You’re just along on their ride and same with narcissists from my experience. Both are torment and hell in the end

[@CornflowerBlues5]

​​@@OneManCollaboration YES! That is exactly how I experienced my longterm relationship with an avoidant. They had such a distorted view of reality, and their behaviour came from an incredibly toxic place of fear and shame. I didn't know about these things, and because the initial love bombing was sincere and felt "real", I stayed way too long. Everything Jimmy said in this video is true, and an avoidant can be just as toxic and damaging as a narc, especially if they have ZERO self awareness.

[@Mayfloweralways]

I think the most important thing he stated in the beginning is that the label you give it doesn’t matter. The behavior matters. How you’re treated matters. He went on to compare the two labels for information purposes. But ultimately he’s right. The label we give it is just a label to explain some poor behaviors. And as someone who was far too willing to believe that a label meant something could then be fixed- do not go into a relationship as a fixer. It will break you down and the other person has no understanding to give you. Let them fix themselves. What you owe yourself is a relationship where you wake up content. It’s not always going to be fireworks. But you know they are on your side and they’re willing to go the distance and want to see you content and happy, and you feel the same for them.

[@annadonahue4119]

do not go into a relationship as a fixer. It will break you down.... Well said

[@umutkara739]

It does matter. And because it does matter everyone need to label. If everyone want to drink water we can say that water is a need for humans. I think they are missing something. The relationship or the break up must make sense. We need this. Otherwise we have lots of questions. But when you use concepts it gets very easiy. Using concepts is not labeling and avoidant or nar. is not labels they are concepts.

[@Briarmoor]

I wasted 9 years being a "fixer", it got me nothing but PTSD, and the ex wasn't fixed. Through counseling, I began healing. We hear a great deal about trauma bonding, this video explains it.

[@BillundBerries]

So good. They should be self-aware enough to be on their own path to healing and changing their life. When one goes in as a fixer, you’re attempting to change someone who doesn’t even understand that there is an issue to begin with. I was in that situation in my past relationships and ended up being viewed as nagging, critical, etc. I just wanted to help improve them into a better version of themselves.

[@brlady2638]

​@@BillundBerrieswhy would you want to improve anyone? My exbf used to say that he wants to better me by criticizing every tiny bit of what i do ... In my mind, If one forces an improvement on anyone, that one is no better than a narc, sorry.

[@kellysandblom6508]

Thank you. I was raised by a narcissist, I married a narcissist and was with him for 14 years, divorced and now with someone else for 3.5 years and it’s feeling the same as my ex husband because he is an avoidant. Just learned this from the “Secure Love” book. I’m the anxious. His mother is a narcissist too, of course he wasn’t showing any signs in the beginning until we moved in together, after 2 years. He pulled away hard and I felt like he didn’t even want me here with him, I feel like I’m standing in the corner and he’s doing everything else around me, work, working on cars, working on everyone else’s cars, and ignoring me. Intimacy is not even on the table. It’s been 5 months, I got him to go to counseling but used that and the stress of work to say he’s not in the mood for intimacy. I feel mad at myself at the same time for not being able to see this sooner, and that this feels exactly like my narcissistic ex husband but as a previous follower said, the avoidant does have empathy, but it still feels sooooo similar and it’s killing me once again to be ignored, and not prioritized and that I need to be doing all the relationship work, or plan the dates…I’m so sad because I feel I AM at that point where I have tried everything and now he isn’t going to counseling anymore, and doesn’t see there is anything going on with him despite NUMEROUS times explaining that my needs aren’t being met…I’m in the stage of hating and blaming my narcissistic mother and his…this is so unfair. I worked so hard on myself before dating again and thought I found someone good. He is reading the “Secure Love” book with me, but the question will be for how long…? I’m sorry for everyone who has or is going through this. My heart goes out to you all. ❤ Thank you for this Jimmy. ❤️ It’s sometimes needing to hear this outloud to confirm that I’m not being mean or making this stuff up, that all of what you said, IS happening. Thank you. ❤️

[@idkwhodos2840]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. If he's reading the book that's a good sign he wants to change - but it's going to take time. If his mother treated him badly, he may have no idea what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like..... I hope you can work through this together ❤

[@Lexi_Con]

@kellysandblom6508 - I feel your frustration. The struggle is real! Do you feel like an afterthought? Does it get to the point where you are grateful for scraps bc you got anything at all? Did you ever hear yourself thinking or saying "but I'm not a needy/clingy person", I just want someone who shows more attention to my needs (ie, basic loving/caring speech & behavior)? Let alone some communication... That's where I'm at. Lord help us

[@positivevibe7684]

@kellysandblom I pray you realize that your mother isn't the blame for his behavior, and neither are you. Sending you Positive Energy and Much Love ❤️

[@rebeccamartin2399]

yep. Im in the thick of it too, 37yrs. Thank You too.

[@babycakes8434]

Girl RUN, and fast. It will never get better. I know, because I feel like I wrote your post, and he never got better. I just wasted years of my life hoping he will care more about me than he cared about others, but he never did. After many years I fanally was able to manage to leave, and my life solo is 200% better than it was with him. Love and cherish yourself. What you got with him is what you have, he already got you and now his "job" is done, he doesn't need to work anymore on relationship. Start prioritizing yourself, and leave, then he will wake up when realizes that he lost you. It's a game. Mine was never there for me, but wanted to be for me when I left. No thanks. Good luck to you and don't waste your time.

[@Jdfae333]

here's what helps me: It's hurtful to be on the receiving end of passive aggression, being shut down and not having your feelings validated or even being seen as weak for having them. What really hurts is that they can't afford to care about having a real conversation so alot rests unresolved within. The good thing is, being with a DA helped me so much to reflect on where I haven't been putting myself first and where I can be more selfish. And also to reflect on the things that particularly annoyed or hurt me about that person and find in what ways I am experiencing and rejecting that part of myself. Being Secure or anxious with an DA isn't easy, but it for sure is a great lesson if we choose to see it and an opportunity to heal our own wounds.

[@juliehumphreys173]

These videos are amazing. I am codependent and I’ve been married for 34 years. I’m now certain that my husband is dismissive avoidant. I feel really guilty because after so long trying to get through to him I have become so angry that I sometimes get abusive. He ignores me and I escalate and shout and name call. This dynamic is really toxic. Both of us end up feeling terrible. My self esteem has been really low and the angry behaviour makes me feel even worse about myself. I’ve come to realise that we were never suited to each other but we have children and a life together. A whole history. I know my husband is not a bad person and I want our marriage to work and to improve because now we are facing retirement together. I am finally healing from my codependency because I found the right therapist. I am finally accepting that I cannot change my husband and I’m working on my anger. I wish I had the type of information in these videos earlier.

[@juliehumphreys173]

To add to this I am really worried I might be the narcissist or the DA 😮 My husband’s family have hinted that they think I’m a narcissist which really hurts and confuses me. To me they seem like the arrogant and cold ones. They talk about each other especially in laws behind their backs and nobody is good enough for them unless they have some standing in the community. My husbands brother likes to name drop. He is a lawyer and knows some high profile people as does my husband. I don’t know if I’m coming or going! If I’m delusional or what is real anymore. When I first moved in with my husband I began having dreams of huge waves coming towards me to wash me away or the sand beneath my feet just washing out from under me. 😢 but everyone I know thinks my husband is amazing. Maybe I’m the problem?

[@buttermuffin1196]

Thank you, I needed to hear this today. I am going to say “thank you, next”, to someone who is not investing in me, instead of chasing their attention.

[@tinalconnelly9556]

I absolutely love and appreciate your content so much. Thank you for all you do Jimmy

[@JimmyonRelationships]

Oh thanks so much!

[@TheDerangedBlood]

I recently had a family member tell me they didn't like me, I'm apparently, untrustworthy, annoying, and like to see people in pain...none of which I believe to be true about myself. I've worked very hard to like me as I am, with all my flaws. Mind you, I am an avoidant, but I finally sat down to address the passive aggressive stance of the family member only to be looked down upon as an insect. I was willing to sit down and have a hard discussion, but when someone shows you their true face and wants you to change who you are to benefit them, NOPE. Not every relationship needs to be worked on. I don't care if they are family. Just because you are family, does not give them a free pass to treat you like vermin when they don't get what they want from you. Understand, when you start to change the focus on improving yourself for you, there are some who will see that as a threat. In my experience, passive aggressive people will use the silent treatment to try and regain the focus back onto themselves. As an avoidant of drama, my tactic is to not play their game. I was expecting the passive aggressor to come to their senses, to sit down like an adult to have a civil conversation as to what was bothering them. Instead, they will shift all the blame to you, I believe they do this hoping you will sink back down into your past behavior of trying to please them, which is what they want. In my opinion, cutting ties off with people (regardless if they are family) can be the best thing you can do for yourself. It took me a very long time to like me and now that I love me, i'm not going to let others steal my life force to make themselves feel better. Some people are not going to like me and i'm okay with that. I WILL find others who are on the path of self acceptance. Find your healthy tribe, stay free, stay loved.

[@bibbleboo6321]

I’m so grateful for this content. I’ve been describing myself as a recovering narcissist for years but now I don’t think I ever was truly a narcissist. Selfish and self centered but not full on narcissistic. I’m very mindful of how I interact with others now and have apologized where I could but I’ve a lifetime of mindfulness ahead of me to atone for my previous behavior - and because it’s the right thing to do. I’m just relieved to know that I wasn’t as bad as I thought.

[@shirleyfrost9909]

U are So brave. I've often wondered if I was a Narc like my mother But No, just self centered, but loving and giving to others, especially children and animals. God help us 💜

[@janetvanantwerp8899]

Boy that hit hard when you said it is a problem with me when I am trying to heal the other person. That was me 40 plus years ago.

[@sergicrisan5564]

I understand, and hope, that I was an avoidant partner. My ex had a narcisistic parent and at our worst, she'd tell me I reminded her of her parent. Now I see why. I didn't know I was an avoidant. But all Jimmy said is how I felt. I regret a lot. I keep her in my heart, as a lesson and I want to be better so no one else feels like she felt with me.

[@rebeccamartin2399]

Wow, wish my husband could get to that point. Kudos to you!

[@Camy211]

Liar 😂

[@lemonpulpmusic]

Avoidant are self aware, willing to admit when we make mistakes, validate your feelings. I promise. We simply have trouble committing once the relationship starts closing in. Its not the other persons fault either. We are scared of actually abandoning ourselves. Some of this is spot on. Some of it just isn't

[@forsakenjones4695]

An avoidant won't go out of their way to destroy some one.

[@Katrica670]

Yes they both struggle with feelings of shame and unworthiness! ⭐️

[@ll5974]

This is a beautiful message. I love the point that the label doesn't matter. The fact is, one can never actually know the intentions of another - even if they say something about their intentions and you believe, it may not have been true. The behavior and a reliable track record over lots of time is everything. Thank you.

[@mlundgren9797]

I remember him saying often: I dont know what to say when i tried to communicate. (He talked with lots confidence in public, quick thinker) But very quiet with me, showed no interest, no follow up questions, every little thing i asked took long bench, never knew when or if i would get help etc He agreed it was easier talking superficial around others. So i said talk about anything (simple, surface) He said i dont know what to talk about He had nothing to say to me That hurt I often heard replies; i dont know Asked upfront why he still was with me in a relationship? I dont know At the end he lied more often and started drinking, never knew when he would come home partying I was forced to take the decision at the end to end it. I know he has empathy deep inside but not used to talk. Put up wall immediately One time he said something openly that he and a another guy had agreed on they both had no empathy He said it was his fault at the end but acted like nothing ever happened and we were buddies. 1 decade relationship. Never really knew him, felt many times like a stranger like my narc father 😢 very similar traits but not the same still I understand my part today as the helper, its no good idea. You slowly loose yourself and give all away. So no more relationships. Better alone now on, i recieve more connection and love from my cat ❤

[@juliaeaton]

As a fearful avoidant - so sometimes I show up as anxious attachment, sometimes as avoidant, I can say from experience that anxious attachment is not a lack of fear of intimacy - because when someone is emotionally present the avoidant feelings come up. So anxiously attached rarely are comfortable with real intimacy also.

[@cynthialea7048]

Wow! I am so proud of myself for coming so far to the point where I can watch this video without reacting emotionally, actually understanding and agreeing to what is being said and seeing how I have implemented the things you say into my life. I have become and continue to become the adult i needed as a child, I am so proud of myself I’m literally crying 😭😭😭. Thank you for posting this and being so compassionate in your delivery ❤❤❤

[@sylhomeo6351]

It is the worst feeling in the world to live with an avoidant type. They are so indifferent and look so happy and content. It eats up at your soul and makes you feel diminished. I’m 70 and I don’t have the strength or means to leave.

[@Apersonintheworldtoday]

I feel your pain. I've been in thos for 27 years now....I knew it was a mistake practically in the honeymoon. But, I was raised that you don't get a divorce. Now we have two children. Teens. So, I feel I have to stay for them. It's exhausting and draining and sadly, I'm seeing the same patterns in my boys now.

[@Dee-Ann_Louise]

The man whom I love has been Avoidant the entire time I have known him. I have had my own Avoidant Attachment Style to heal. I was Fearful Avoidant until just recently. I love him with all of my heart and soul. And I am giving him the space he needs. God bless him. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@bangibabs]

Best video I’ve seen thus far. Very logical and clear. It is important when watching these videos that you listen with understanding with hopes to have a better outcome instead of looking for outlets to emotional dump and name call others from a place of frustration and feelings of betrayal. When you’re not reactive, you are able to analyse things clearly for what they are and as a result may find peace because you will understand how you will need to set boundaries so that you can set standards for yourself. You get to decide on what you will tolerate and what you will not tolerate. You get to decide what you are willing to compromise on and what you are not willing to compromise on. Great video.🙌🏾💯

[@Growwithgrace101]

Having had both narc followed by avoidant I was really confused at first because I thought I knew the signs but I didn't know about attachment. Once I understood I had more compassion for my avoidant ex and I felt less scared that I made another huge misjudgement.

[@OneManCollaboration]

Yep I still don’t know whether my 2nd was another narc or an avoidant. I lean avoidant but it’s so hard to tell because she took actions that clearly would hurt and disrespect any partner and just displayed 0 fucks whatsoever about doing it even when I was displaying clear distress. I’ve already realized either way it doesn’t matter because I don’t deserve such treatment, period, and that’s why so immediately left, but it stays in your brain because it just seems to come out of left field and all of a sudden you’re dealing with someone who is completely cold and doesn’t seem to care at all when before they were saying how wonderful you are, how much they love you, how you’re the best man they could ask for. It’s simply maddening

[@Growwithgrace101]

@@OneManCollaboration yes it is that complete flip of affection that causes such a shock...it's not a gradual decline that can be noticed and potentially addressed it is...love you...don’t love you !! Game over!

[@OneManCollaboration]

@@Growwithgrace101 Yep it’s blindsiding and heart breaking. Lesson learned!

[@Growwithgrace101]

@OneManCollaboration not sure how you avoid it as they come off as very much in love....I had 3 years of bliss until his switch flipped. Literally I love you on Friday I don't love you on Sunday. So there was nothing I could do....I didn't see it coming at all.

[@OneManCollaboration]

@@Growwithgrace101 Yep. It’s just simply insanity. I feel sorry for myself and others who have had to go through such things. It absolutely erodes trust and wounds you at a very deep level

[@pragmaticpoet]

No need to devalue and discard people like NPD tactics do when recognizing another is not in secure attachment... the kind thing to do is recognize another's true Capabilities and respect that 😁🌸

[@hippiecowgirl4231]

I am so glad i came across your video today. Ive struggled with identifying if my ex was a covert narcissist or a sociopath because neither really fit him as he wasnt maliscious or verbally or physically abusive . They were more ....indifferent . Bland. No emotional highs or lows , even when it would have been normal to have them. Its like nothing affects him. Avoidant is exactly what he is

[@msl3049]

Jimmy, I think you have just given me the best advice ever. You just saved my life. Not just emotionally but physically. I believe you just triggered a little me inside and the willingness to stand up against something I felt powerless against. Going through my divorce I realized I am that anxious partner doing and allowing everything you just mentioned. Thank you for this boost. You touched my heart, my childhood and darkness. I believe now I know where to heal from. Thank you!

[@brynnkibert4541]

In the most platonic way, Jimmy, I'm so in love with your videos and podcast. I'm anxiously attached and working on myself. You explain it in SUCH an accessable way, which is SO helpful. I do feel sometimes I need a checklist of things to look for from anyone avoidant, professionally, platonically, or romantically. As you know, red flags are hard for me to see when I've only grown up having to accept all the worst red flags as the f**** norm, which is beyond frustrating. Thank you so much for listing these traits all out. It's so helpful to have it spelled out so freaking clearly. Watching this video was hard because it's super triggering/angering because I've been through so much garbage with avoidantly attached people. And my brain is just going, "yep, yes, uhu, totally, been there" while watching this, and it still makes me so sad and regretful and angry that I wasted 10+ years on people who just didn't care about me, romantically and platonically. As the codependent "I'll fix your problems because I'm a 'good person' " I've just allowed people to trample all over me and take complete and utter advantage of me. It makes me enragingly angry, and leaves me feeling so so stupid, like I should have been able to see them for what they were all along. Now I'm able to look back at situations and see, "oh, they said this or did this, and they WERE giving me clues they were just going to take advantage of me," but I still walked right into the mess they were in and allowed their problem to become my problem. And their problem got solved, but I'm stuck with the loss of money, lack of a healthier social circle due to wasting my time on them, loss of time I could have spent with someone who actually did care about me, etc. I feel very much that in a nutshell, anxiously attached people come off as socially retarded, who "can't get a clue" (missing red flags) and just let everyone treat them like shit because we are used to being treated that way, so what is actually completely horrible treatment feels completely normal. It grosses me out now. I just wish I had known I was like this 20 years ago. Would have saved me SO much money, so much time, so much hurt and anger. Not everyone has money to go to therapy, but most everyone can watch your videos and videos like yours from wise people such as yourself. Hopefully people see themselves, or their siblings, or their parents, or their partners, in these videos and gets some starting guidance from there.

[@ilianamunoz4872]

So good to have you break down the differences, and characteristics of each. The avoidant is often the hardest to recognize is not what you want for security and trust. However the reasons they are there, that and their self-storage always damage a relationship and belies the things they say, and later can't follow through on.

[@29sasha]

Oh my hat, you are the kindest man in the world. Bless your heart. Thank you for your posts. I feel you are a whole holistic healer. You are helping me so much to understand my responses to people I haven’t understood.

[@thatkatt_]

I just want to say thank you so much for being here for me and so many others. You have been my voice for when I feel silenced and overwhelmed. I wish you all love and light

[@LeaverWild]

Thank you this video! It’s like narcissism is a new hammer and everyone is a nail. Narcissism is the explanation for all varieties of toxic relationship these days and it makes it incredibly hard to repair fixable relationships.

[@ericataney]

This was one of your best! Your sensitivity and kindness and straight-talk is much appreciated! Please thank your wife for her humble willingness to support your sharing of experiences that must have been painful for you both, and your desire to help others. ❤ Thanks to you both!

[@tulip-3c]

THE ABSOLUTE BEST VIDEO I HAVE SEEN ON THIS. Thorough and concise. The most valuable 18 minutes you can spend - for free. Better than a therapy session. Thank you, Jimmy.

[@AdelleVDL]

You are such a kind and intelligent person. I appreciate your kind approach so much. You say things clearly and firmly, without demonizing anyone.

[@hungrytroodontid]

The part explaining the Avoident being open and fun in the beginning was them letting their guard down was genuinely helpful. It brought about a greater sense of closure for a painful but nonmalicious situation. Now, I gotta focus on not being so attached. Being that way feels so unstable.

[@Seraphina93]

I want to be with him He broke up three times Now he came back around Now I’ve been on read for a week He even said „I didn’t break up I just needed a childish time-out“

[@Seraphina93]

He even quoted what I said a few weeks ago

[@kacibeaverwestbrook1744]

He broke up with me a mth ago. Probably went and got more supply. We broke up bc he couldn't stay sober. And couldn't stop lying to everyone about it. Then yesterday he texts me to say he's going to rehab. He got on a plane last night . But he still doesn't want to be with me. . He's projecting his problem on me saying I have a problem with pills. In which I've been sober for 7yrs. Using my past against me just so he doesn't have to say he was the problem. Told his whole family I'm addicted to pills. I was mortified. Yesterday he told them the truth. I'm so mad bc why didn't you go get help when I asked? But happy for him bc he's taking accountability..

[@tinadavidson9455]

This can be emotionally difficult to hear, but so very true. Thank you, Jimmy, for being straightforward and real.

[@hollyorns9809]

Wow, everything your saying was so kind with empathy towards people with real issues without demonizing these people but acknowledging the pain within an individual who suffers in all areas. The first time I've heard a video that makes more sense than any video of narsasium and that a person on both sides of the spectrum or should I say three sides of understanding valid truth in the matter. Thank you for this.

[@Thisjourney17]

This was the best comparison I have heard between distinguishing the narcissist vs avoidant. Thank you so much for your videos, they are helping me to move on from my avoidant ex. So much damage to my self worth, confidence and self love. Before I knew about attachment theory I wondered if I was suffering from narcissistic abuse but the differences you mentioned show what I was really dealing with. TY, TY, TY ❤

[@angelab4759]

This video is so compassionate and spot on. I think healing codependency was the most helpful change I made for myself. I think understanding behavior patterns and yourself is when this information really hits home. If connection isn't possible it's okay to grieve is powerful too! I love the way you described the ways that the patterns don't create connection and what someone both can do to create that connection. The fact the person may nor be a good fit for you is what really matters and loving yourself enough to look for what you need and deserve. I appreciate that there was not any negativity in this video. You always do a great job and I love the funny videos as well 😂 Humor and knowledge is awesome! Thank you for this video and all your other content. I've had years of therapy and I still love it! In the healing journey things become clear at random times so this knowledge is crucial 👌

[@shayanzayn2435]

Jimmy, you will not believe if I told you I have written notes from everything you said in this Video. This has helped me open my eyes - understand the person who hurt me so much. There is a very fine line between him being a Narcissist/ Avoidant.But he matched all the points you said about them having in common - all of them. I gave this guy a second chance and he did it again - now I know why. THANK YOU FROM MY HEART. You make videos with a very good intent to help people, I can feel it - keep it up, lot of respect and good wishes from my end to you.

[@JamesTippins]

Jimmy, I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate your work. Praying for you and all that you are doing for people.

[@crystalcleveland756]

It gets super tricky though when with a Neglectful Covert Narcissist- they are so subtle that they ACT more avoidant. They are so detached, it’s even harder to tell the difference if they are actually a narcissist or an avoidant.

[@kimmarieburt1313]

so true! They don’t give outright put downs. They try to appear like the “good guy”.

[@show_me_your_kitties]

Thank you. I think this is what I am experiencing. I think I'm going to die. I reached out for help today. I need out.

[@SusanJoyMusic]

🎈Intent. 🎈That’s the deciding factor. A true narcissist plays the “power-over long game.” Zero humility. Most people are avoidants. The Unintentional “jerk.” 😮Thanks Jimmy this is great. Love how you help people to pivot. ❤

[@fredslayton]

You are saving lives with these videos Jimmy. Thank you.

[@dodarededidatum]

I can’t express the depth of my gratitude for the clarity and reassurance I now have! Thank you.

[@olewallen]

Im an empath who turns avoidant when Im shown by a partner I cannot trust them to treat me right. It's not ideal, but I NEVER want to argue, and NEVER want to hurt anyone... I want to reiterate what Jimmy said. If they wont respect your boundaries - they dont love you. In my grieving state (10 years in, 2 years out)

[@andreatodd8354]

This was the best video I have ever seen. The way it was all explained makes perfect sense. Thank you

[@Boyanadee]

Every word you say is so valuable. You don’t just “know” these things. You care. It’s so moving, i hope that you are happy, blessed in every area. Thank you! Im new to your channel but will be sticking around. You inspire! ❤

[@kildareire]

Best video I’ve seen this month. My fella cannot understand my narcissist family members. This really helps. Stay awesome Jimmy!

[@yoanna_diary]

One of the best videos on the subject. Thank you Jimmy.

[@robinrhea2083]

Well said.... All the love in the world can't fix what's broken in an avoidant.

[@pete4693]

I really appreciate what you're saying about being compassionate and not making us against them kind of situation. I've been on both sides of this fence. What I've learned is that after 15 years of therapy I need to sweep my side of the street with Care. it's amazing how people change as I get therapy.

[@brendaperrenoud9403]

Your videos have helped more than years of therapy ; this one is soo spot on. I appreciate how are you speak to the people who have already ended up stuck and trying to leave the situation. Thank you❤️

[@MonikatheDiva]

This sums up my entire marriage, except him leaving me repeatedly and name calling me amongst other things. Eventually i couldnt hold it together any further and walked away myself.

[@joshangout9609]

Ugh, Mine has threatened to leave multiple times over our last 32 years of marriage. This week, it was ANOTHER one of those. This time, though, I am not in a spot to so quickly "forgive and restore". He told me, among other things, that he doesn't want me. I am just, dead inside. Probably doing some sort of avoidant behavior. But, I have no idea. I feel so confused and messed up in my own head that it is hard to even see things clearly- starting with my own feelings. Now, he is flipping the "conversation" and saying things like "If YOU want me to leave".... But also emailing me information about his life insurance policy, with his policy number. And also telling me he loves me and wants to stay married. But also bringing up something that I wrote in my journal 11 years ago, that he had NO right to read anyhow. And NO, it is not information about me cheating. It was me writing about a "fantasy" of being able to just lie back and stare up at the ceiling just talking to a trusted friend who I always felt totally safe with and who I knew I could trust for solid advice and kindness and compassion- no judgment about how I talk or how wordy I am or how dumb my ideas are... ALL of this in a timeframe of less than 5 days. Yuck. And I am supposed to make decisions NOW? And wait, HE is the one that said he is leaving me. How did it circle around and get put on MY plate?

[@sanagul-origin5412]

So what do you think he was?

[@sanagul-origin5412]

What you listed is familiar to me

[@JonathanTodd-og7dd]

Great video. I would be interested in a video on comparing and contrasting BPD with anxious attachment style too. Great video and will be picking up that book as well.

[@jessicapinto3817]

I am dealing with a toxic manager at this moment and what you said here really helps with me handling that relationship as well. Jimmy, you are a gem.

[@triciastaff8336]

Jimmy- thank you so much for saying this with tough love and deep empathy. After 33 years in a trauma bonded marriage with a high school sweetheart and being insecure on my side and healing some inside the relationship I finally healed enough to have the self-respect to see the imbalance and say no to the mistreatment. This video was AMAZING. I have spent these several years after the divorce stuck in the labeling phase so confused and wanting desperately to understand and justify the intense pain and grief. Thank you for instructions on how to lean away from labeling and lean into healing. Great job and this was a big help to me personally today. Many thanks.

[@someone-bt5lu]

As an avoidant I was confused why I would be so engaged, caring, close at the beginning of a relationship but then somehow not.... at first I thought the relationship spark would get lost/it'd get boring... then I heard abt love bombing and questioned myself... was I doing that? But I had no bad intention... then I thought I am just a hypocrit at the beginning acting like I care and then letting people down. But no... I was/am avoidant. I want connection but I really dont know how to. Its always on the edges. I have to do so much at the beginning, "earn" it, and then I get so confused and pull back. I say to myself "its not working out anyway, I dont deserve it anyway"... so, if you have dealt with avoidants, dont be mad at us, it really is hard. But I believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel once you understand the problem!

[@reneedevry4361]

Thank you very much for this video. ❤ I have been doing the 'self help' route for years but never heard of an avoidant. Everyone believes my husband is a Narcissist but I knew he was not. My father is.😂 I was calling my husband an "Ostrich" but after this video can see some areas where I have been making things worse. I am long past the point of desiring a close relationship with anyone but am happy to be "single" with less conflict and unrealistic expectations while sharing an abode. Once again thank you🥰

[@pmalen]

Wow, honestly this video left me with tears in my eyes. Truths can be very painful but necessary. Thank you for this clear information, Jimmy.

[@buildwalls2001]

This is the best video that speaks about my situation. I will spare you all my drama because it’s too ugly, and too messy, uggh! Thank you for your perspective, and thoughts Jimmy!

[@mysticgardener2704]

Thank you for clarifying this. I am so sick of the narc/empath blame game. Look to attachment and take responsibility for our own patterns is the way toward healing. I am in a relationship with an avoidant and I think I am disorganized. Life is not fun😅 most days. Trauma bonding disguised as love going on 30 years! Thank God we have you tube for therapeutic help today!

[@babycakes8434]

You should get a medal for surviving 30years. I survived 12 and it was 11,5 years too many. Trauma bonding is a beast. We get screwed in our childhood and the results are visible through our adulthood. So whoever messed us up, not only messed up our childhood, but also our adulthood. It seems to never end🧐

[@kimmarieburt1313]

I’ve also been married to an avoidant for 32 years and counting. I’d try to keep all my complaints in so he wouldn’t withdraw and eventually I’d blow up and he’d withdraw and nothing would change and he blamed me for having a bad temper and I accepted the blame because I felt bad for always being angry. Finally we found Sue Johnson and the light bulb went on. With new understanding and awareness we are figuring this out.

[@annadonahue4119]

@@babycakes8434 well said!!!

[@jaredmello]

You shouldn’t say that to someone just exiting a relationship with a narcissist. There are stages to healing. Telling someone to take a look at their side right away is not helpful and very invalidating

[@paf9191]

You are spot on! I am an avoidant. I’ve been married four times and been in several relationships. Marriages were all toxic except one, but I didn’t give him a chance cause I was out of there six weeks after we were married. I totally freaked out and he treated me like a princess. But I was too afraid to stay. I’ve been in several relationships and as soon as it starts getting close I run. I absolutely hate being like this. It just comes out of nowhere and there’s no stopping it. All I want is a good healthy, normal relationship, but pushing through this fearful reaction seems almost impossible.😢

[@Random-JustAnother]

Are you willing and able to get help for your destructive tendencies or for your dysfunctional traits and actions? Because if you are, that makes all the difference. If someone is able to look beyond their Own ways of dealing with relationships, trauma or life or even daily issues, then there is hope for you and hope for having a good relationship.

[@paf9191]

@@Random-JustAnother yes, I am willing to get help, but I cannot afford to get professional help, but God has healed me from a lot since my last marriage,in the last three years. I am able to see what is going on now. I just need to be healed. But God is the healer and I know it will be OK. I just have to be more aware I am being triggered and going into those tendencies. Having toxic abusive husbands only made it worse for me to try and get into a new relationship. Thanks for your reply.

[@kimmarieburt1313]

God often leads me to good free resources. Try inner bonding with Margaret Paul, also Kyle Benson. Work on regulating your nervous system (meditation helps). Good luck! My husband has improved a lot! Learn imago to listen to others.

[@greek_latina]

This is such an INCREDIBLE explanation. Honestly, I’ve never felt so validated- I’ve thought about both types and I can see them difference. There’s no doubt who I was dealing with now. The last 8 mins made me feel so emotional. Thank you for sharing ❤️

[@evolutionarylight9694]

I'm so grateful for you brother. I've listened to a lot of other content similar to this, and they all say some of the same things as you. But how you say it, I don't feel like I need to get back at the person. When I hear other KZbinrs, I'm still left with a sense of wanting revenge.