Being In A Relationship With An Addicted Person...

[@erinmacadams8677]

Thanks!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow! Thank you Erin 😍😍😍😍You're the best 🤩

[@Mastersonforever]

Its okay to move on and still love a person, I believe not everyone is ment to travel with you through life if they are poison.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's absolutely right, Michelle!

[@debholland3180]

So true . Your last 4 words . 🤣??????? GOT ME IF .....................they are poison/ !!! !!!! !!!! !!!! ????????? All ---- ARE !!! IF THEY gonna TO expose us to their crud n that poision / if or not without weapons of our own in place / n if no Gods armor N If not in a committed recovery stage yourself !!!!!!! Ps k ow what I’m thali g about -- Im comeing from a position / of co dep !!! N outta the wholesale reply ha ha 🥴🤔 EXTREMELY IMPOSSIBLE.. if NOT involved in a recovery process of YOUR OWN To deal with it !!!!! Aka FLAMING CO / dependency !!!!!! Here stop 1 it is ok to move on / but hard !!! You DO NOT have to defend - who u loved thought u wanted to love Lost love for Tuff loved for Jesus loved for ( n ps forgave) ? For? Etc. it’s a commandment to do the same BUT To THINE OWN self ??? be true !

[@AMM3.]

Sometimes people just change too much. Goals and dreams change. especially during recovery. Love can mean saying goodbye so everyone can be truly happy.

[@lillyandtheghosts3597]

It’s like a death.. complete grief, when u lose someone bc of something out of ur control. Feel so alone 😢

[@deselby6669]

​@@lillyandtheghosts3597I'm living the same hell after 14 years together.I still love her ,her addiction was so destructive.She got rid of me ...hated me..Ghosted me..Funtimes !

[@tom1949213]

Amber. I'm watching because I was once the spouse of an alcoholic. She ran off with another alcoholic many years ago. My heart goes out to every person who is dealing with these issues. God Bless.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Tom, How long did it take you to heal from that?

[@explorermike19]

I just cannot see how a relationship with an addict can be good for a sober person. No matter if your existing partner suddenly became and addict or if you fell into a relationship with an addict, the best thing you can do is GET OUT. The chaos and destruction of addiction/alcoholism will absolutely attack your life even if you are sober. Get out. If they get sober for an extended time, then maybe get back together. Avoid the chaos and destruction of the addict.

[@PS-xb9hc]

As disheartening this is....yes...only the addict can heal themselves. I met someone. We hang out for two weeks and I realized his patterns of lies....I feel very sad right now but he needs to work and stick around to his recovery....if that ever happens. I truly hope he makes it ❤🙏

[@debholland3180]

I don’t think you /suddenly fall/ Into anything ‼️♥️🤡🤔 Takes MORE than ONE time !!! experiment ? You either say Ooohhhh No Or I’m in Just the way i see it Believe there living proof n There’s documentary proof

[@debholland3180]

AMEN 🙏 NOW-STRUGGLING!!! AS A CODEPENDENCY RECOVERERS WITH a DANG CRACK HEAD LOST HIM TO IT ? Not sure 🤔 he coulda. Been never able to be the guy I needed anyway But his denial on his crack addiction ain’t either !! it was ok with alcohol 🍺 n pot occasionally ? not good Enuf

[@christyfallinger8716]

It is a living hell

[@barbaraondich7374]

I agree completely. I got out of my 19 years marriage with the alcoholic husband. There was nothing I could do. And now I detached myself from my adult son who has been an addict fro lost 15 years. It's much harder with a child then a spouse I think.

[@howihoward3419]

You are sent by God. Because I felt so lost and confused being in a relationship with a alcoholic and a drug user. I had no idea whatsoever about addiction. And you have helped me tremendously God bless you and thank you very much.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Howi, Thank you so much for your kind words! It means the world to me 🥰😁

[@nicolecalvo3744]

I am an addict w 3 years of recovery and I found you via searching for help w my boyfriend, who has not recovered. I have been on the verge of turning my back on him for over a year now. (Hard for me to let go bc I lost my husband of 10 yrs in 2011 and right before HE died I gave up. ) I have been w this man for 8 years and I dont want to lose him too. I feel guilty bc I got better and sort of left him in the dust but I had to save myself. I have 4 kids. (3 w my deceased husband, and one w my current "bf") I have sought council in many different platforms and your videos have been more helpful than all of them put together. Thank you and please keep doing what youre doing. Its clearly your purpose and you are a true blessing! I have so many notes from your videos. I cannot thank you enough.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Nicole Calvo thank you Nicole for sharing a little of your story with us and asl so the wonderfully kind feedback! 🥰

[@tinkershell1856]

I divorced my alcoholic 4 years ago and went to a wonderful counselor for my codependency. Your videos have helped me tremendously in the last 24 hours ❤️ this information will definitely help me move on emotionally. I’m about 90% better, but this helps me soften the remaining pain. You are incredibly beautiful and relatable! You look gorgeous in that blue 💙

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awwwww, thanks Shelley! You're so kind, and I'm really glad these videos are helping you 😁

[@michaelesullivan4741]

I appreciate that you are speaking toward spouse situations. I left. Faulse detoxes, infidelity, lies. My husband wasn’t my husband. Our kids wanted to be separate from him, we lived in chaos, and I felt depressed. He was in a lot of denial .

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Michaele, I’m so sorry to hear that. It must have been a nightmare and such a hard decision 😟

[@nicolejones9223]

I lived in the same boat. Heartbreaking, fearful and still struggling to recover.

[@lynnekulick3262]

I also have this situation, preparing to finally take care of me and get healthy and enjoy my life again

[@millstreetteut7835]

Its heartbreaking. Exactly you still see the glimpses of how wonderfull that Person actually is and you love them so much but i eventually had to accept I had no influence on the addiction. I just loved him the way he was until he cheated. Than it was too painfull for me

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It sounds like you hung in there as long as you could.

[@taralane2611]

This is exactly what happened to me. I decided I couldn’t win against the drugs and was just gonna love him. Until he cheated. I couldn’t look at him the same after that.

[@millstreetteut7835]

@@taralane2611 im so sorry. Its an awfull feeling. I kind of felt extra hurt after loving him the way he was , Investing everything i could and than being cheated on.

[@mos2704]

Don’t feel sad. I stayed for 12yrs to deal with everything under the sun. I was supportive n took him to rehabs over n over. Hoping one day we could have a decent relationship. He finally got sober after 10 yrs after my last attempt to take him into another rehab. He got out we planned on finally getting married. Instead he found a rehab girl that’s pregnant n decided to want to leave me for her. This is the result of addicts decision making in a sober mind November 7 will be 1 yr.. It’s extremely hurtful but at this point who wants to be 2nd or 3rd to an addict. You will never be priority or 1st n I’m sick to my stomach that it took this amount of hurt to figure out what I really want for myself. Being with an addict was the worst thing I ever did in my life. I should have left 10trs ago. Now I have lots of work to do for my healing after that destructive life with him. Just wish I would have walked the min I found out he was an addict. But whole family hid it from me.

[@lesliesapp3689]

I am dealing w a spouse (my husband) who is battling alcohol addiction & also drug addiction, although the alcohol is stronger. A few weeks ago I had to finally kick him out as he attacked my daughter (he wasn’t even drinking yet). Not sure what direction to go from here but this video hit EVERYTHING right on the head! It’s VERY PAINFUL but it became just TOO MUCH already & affecting not only my sanity but my kids as well. He literally sucked the life out of me & in turn left me with little to give my children. He is now doing WORSE out of my home. A part of me feels for him & wishes I could just tell him to come home but I HAVE to do this for my kids & myself. It was pure misery when he was here. I’d get some glimpses of hope but in the end, it’s not worth continuing the damage & chaos. I wish he could go to some kind of inpatient program but we don’t have insurance. I am really worried that something will happen to him knowing what he is out there doing right now. It’s hard to just stop caring.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Leslie, I'm so sorry you're going through that. It's totally heartbreaking.

[@millstreetteut7835]

Love is not enough because they dont love themselve

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I agree completely!

[@merncat75]

But it *does* help and is better than the alternative. 💞

[@jasonschmidt3715]

Kindof a sad thought

[@cindylou1954]

Literally while watching this, relapsed husband, from whom I'm separated 1.5yrs, texted he wanted $20. I pay his rent, as per legal obligation so I don't feel guilty. He's 64 and on small pension. Yes its complicated. He just called begging. Hung up on me when I told him I have to keep these boundaries or I'll go insane. Oh yeah, I had a month's worth if groceries delivered last week. I live with and take care of my mom. I go to Al Anon. I love my husband of 37 yrs. I love my serenity too. Thanks. I just found this channel. Love from Canada.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That’s totally ironic! I like that you embraces The duality of the situation!

[@cindylou1954]

Oh thanks Amber. I appreciate that you know it's complicated. I'll keep comin back!🌻

[@triciasimon283]

50 years...I’ve been with someone who is in denial. Didn’t realize I was an enabler for 40 years.... and was in denial that he had a problem, because he always functioned well in life and is very loving. I really don’t fight this battle with him.... and tried reasoning.... always calmly... but feel stuck and unhappy even this late in life. He is retired, has absolutely no hobbies, doesn’t want to volunteer, work part time, help unpack from our recent move.... nothing but sleep, watch TV or drink. Sounds like depression to me.... and he is in denial about everything... including emotions. No idea what to do.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hey Tricia, here's a link to my playlist on how to motivate someone to take steps toward recovery!

[@BonnieHelms-m4b]

Al Anon can work for you. Find the right meeting for yourself.

[@francesb-p2441]

Started a relationship with a man who does all types of drugs. Drugs concern me but infidelity will hurt me more....going to break up with him but need help because I like him...weak boundaries. This video helps me find the motivation.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I'm so glad it was helpful

[@gabbd.2795]

Don't stay please, it's like deciding to hurt yourself hard in unimaginable ways.. its better to know even the pain is strong that you are feeling pain for a lil bit of time that will pass and that will give you the feeling of putting yourself in a better place. Eventually you will meet a person, or not that will truly love you, but trust me it's painful to see how addicts leave you last in their priorities. PUT YOURSELF ALWAYS FIRST, and put yourself in places where people value you in every single way, as the way you value others. 😊 if not trust me, its better to be alone.

[@reenanar3015]

True ❤

[@pamsteele6069]

I have watched this several times. It amazes me how I can "advise" other people on this but be so awful at it in my own situation. It just sends me right back to being 5 and being with my alcoholic Dad. So hard to separate the feelings.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Our childhood experience can have such a powerful hold over us.

[@deanihendry7967]

You are a breath of fresh air AND are the only one that feels the same as I do about addiction and the reality of the situation !!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Deani, I really appreciate your kinds words!

[@merncat75]

I don't think you're the only one.. I think we are feeling far between but we do exist 💞 Videos like this are extremely important in order to help, to get everything out in the open and bring like-minded people together.

[@merncat75]

@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you for making these videos ❣️

[@megnevills7286]

Met a guy 4mo ago & recently discovered he is an alcoholic...i naturally want to help him but friends say to bale...i feel guilty like id be turning my back on someone in need...what would you do ?

[@forestflower7670]

@@megnevills7286 leave

[@monica5914]

Boyfriend of4 almost 5 years.. has now had a relapse for a year. I’ve tried and tried .. gave and gave …. I do feel guilty for enabling. But YOUR videos are soooooo helpful. I have finally put good boundaries in place and sticking to them. It hurts and I miss him. But I needed to get off the drug roller coaster ! To save myself and my daughter

[@alfadivaperu4054]

I came across this channel in hopes of getting some clarity, and help! I have been with my husband a total of 4 and half years. One year married, last year two weeks after we married I found out he had relapse. He had been in recovery for a few years at that point. Ever since his relapse our life for the last year has been a living hell. There are many times when I have said I am done, bye. But go back because I love him and want to help him out. I am a social worker and know exactly everything I should be doing for him and myself, but when it hits your home it is just a whole other ball game. Anyways you videos, while only having watched a few is already giving me more understanding. Thank you.

[@beckykirby1305]

"Connection is the cure to Addiction" I Love that! Such an impact full statement and the HARDEST thing to do when the substance abuse only pushes you away. Thanks!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so right about it being the hardest thing to do when they only want to push you away!

[@PETSSouthAfrica]

How do you find the strength to leave? The active addiction is horrible to witness but then the idea of not having that person around rips my heart out worse. The in active addiction but still very loving. Which I think makes it so hard

[@marie-evecanuel4214]

You dont have to leave. Do the pros and cons, take notes everytime something good or bad happens. It will allow you to have an objective point of view. Like over the month, is the good worth the bad? Or the bad faaaar outweighs the good. Sometimes memories can be good and confuse you, but is the day to day life really that good? Maybe yes maybe no. For you to access objectively :)

[@gallen2101]

This is my issue!!

[@christinabailey3057]

My husband is getting help for a recent relapse. However due to the increase and the more accepted MAT treatment. He is struggling with what recovery actually is. I personally know he's on too much meds. And uses them to cope with hard days. He's very functional. There used to be more hard days than good days and I hit my limit of being treated crappy. He has made changes since that day... we pray together and I have more hope now.

[@bryantscott7495]

I am in recovery but I keep relapsing. This helps a lot because I still have people who believe in me but they are the last people standing. I have lost everything else but a few and now I see why. I put the addiction above them. Thanks.

[@ansleyhance3072]

I’m watching because I have a loved one with an addiction. We were dating and towards the end of our relationship the addiction escalated to the point he lost custody of the children (whom I considered my step-kids because I adored them) It was at that point that I finally decided to leave and I’m finally at a point to where I can research what he was going through so I can understand. Thank you so much for the treasure trove of content you produce because it has really helped me release my anger towards him and myself.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Ansley, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It's just heartbreaking.

[@gabriellewilliamson5810]

Lost my beautiful sister Ann last year to addiction Finding these conversations very cathartic Gabrielle

[@marilynhorne4954]

I loved my boyfriend so much. He attacked me while intoxicated and that was the end of it. He couldn't take my moods anymore and I couldn't take his drinking. It just never got better. I wish he had sought help.

[@mishmazy]

I went through the same thing. I didn’t realize just how drunk he really was until it was stumbling, blackout drunk. It’s been 6 months for me since we separated. It hurts because he chose alcohol over me.

[@marilynhorne4954]

@@mishmazy I can relate to every word. I only noticed he was drunk when he couldn't walk or talk properly. 🤦

[@deanihendry7967]

I’m the mother of an addicted adult son that is now living with me . My daughter died from addiction .

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Oh Deani, that is so heartbreaking. Having more than one child suffer from addiction seems especially unfair.

[@Poppyplaytimemonsterhigh]

Im sorry for your loss

[@roxannebritt5023]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[@davidpetersen6694]

So great to hear you talk about your own life. So I always think when watching…does this counselor really understand how horrible it can be for a family…and the answer is YES! Thank you ,Amber, for your honesty! 😎

[@Quartzone6145]

Just to know that someone understands how hard that is

[@JessRDH]

I am in early recovery and it is the absolute best thing I have ever done!!!!

[@priscillanotpresley]

I am watching because my brother in law has a drug addiction, rehabilitated after his wife died of an overdose last December but currently showing signs of a relapse. Family has been on this roller coaster for 20 years.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's a long time to be on the rollercoaster

[@priscillanotpresley]

It is! They are all exhausted and now there is a toddler in the mix, I’m afraid it gives him more manipulation power. Multiple arrests and Rehab , Drugs are so powerful, I am amazed.

[@kennethhall6583]

Thank you ma'am, I love listening to you explain things about this particular topic, I was never in that situation before until recently but, had to make a hard decision about it.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Kenneth, So glad it was helpful!

[@eldalys1]

I dated this girl for 7 years and just before I propose to her I found out shocking truths from her cousin and best friend and eventually I saw everything on her phone. I found out she was not loyal because of the drugs and I found out the lies and how they started since day one of our relationship. I’m still not over any of it. And she broke up with me because “I didn’t give her enough attention”. I was ignorant to what addiction is. She hurt me in ways I cannot describe, but now I’m just worried about her because of the people she gets involved with and the fact that her family didn’t believe me when I told them she needs help because she’s sleeping with drug dealer and selling her body for it. And the guy she left me for beat her so bad over finding out she slept with her drug dealer and more. She’s toxic and it’s because of the drugs. We fell in love when I believe she’s sober. All I want now is to make sure she’s okay but I can’t do anything to help her. Her family think I’m just the crazy jealous ex and they don’t believe me when I tell them it’s bad to the point of selling her body! Any advice?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're in a tight spot, because the family thinks you're the bad guy. If you try to get them to understand the problem, it may backfire.

[@lucysmom3892]

Can you talk about it make a video about how to leave someone that is an addict and threatening you because you want to leave?

[@cr4250]

Yes

[@kellynottingham-smith2873]

Amber, my sister, who is three years younger than me is in active addiction. After 2 1/2 years…. She has disconnected and distanced her self from every single person who loves her; even not seeing her 14-year-old son who was her moon and stars!!! She is living everywhere and nowhere… So, basically homeless. I used to be the most influential person in her life (according to her) but now I just can’t reach her. She has zero problem telling me exactly where to go!!! The constant lies are gut wrenching; coupled with a more recent physical attack on my 80-year-old dad…. It enrages me to my core but doesn’t seem to bother her one bit. If I have to choose between her and our dad…. I will protect my dad. Even had to install cameras at his house. I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. My constant fear and anxiety does hold me hostage whether we are speaking or not. Your talk on Grief was absolutely phenomenal!!! I watch at least two of your podcasts every day. I appreciate YOU more than you will ever know. You keep me somewhat sane. ❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sounds like your sister is very deep into her addiction. You're right to choose yourself and your dad!

[@lynnekulick3262]

Married to an alcoholic for 32 years, dealing with addiction 23 years, many rehabs, still relapsing frequently, losing feelings, Taking toll on me, need to leave, working on solutions

[@alicechfft1992]

Thank you, your videos are always so informative ! I hope all the addicts could find a connexion with someone like you on their path.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Alice!!!!! You've made my day

[@mi8345]

addiction is never about the substance or behavior. It's about what the substance or behavior does for the addicted.... it's coping😔

[@Andrea_22222]

My partner is drinking...and lying about it...repeatedly. He is an a$$ when he drinks & isn’t present when drunk. We can’t move forward in the life we’ve planned at all

[@TapIntoAlignment]

And you never will.

[@TheSLK1973]

I have experienced exactly the same....I thought we would get married....I met his children.....leave now before you really get hurt

[@TheSLK1973]

Yes!...The short term memory....destroyed

[@esthercastillo4340]

Thank you Amber I have a spouse with an addiction he needs a liver transplant….Drug addiction many many years I didn’t know him when he was normal.I love ❤️ him he’s in active addiction his family doesn’t help .Pray and Thank you so much your such a beautiful and loving empathetic soul…God sent🙏💯🌻Keep that! I learn so much from your videos that helped me and my spouse family!Dont get me wrong I relapse especially when he’s gone weeks then comes back and love s me!Om trying to change the dynamics!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sending you lots of prayers!

[@teresaleach7955]

I was addicted to a man. I HAVE finally recovered. He calls me everyday several times. I don't really want to talk to him.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sounds like your finally moving on!

[@TheSLK1973]

Don't talk to him

[@keishamari]

This is so hard. My addict is my 40 year old daughter. She is currently homeless. I cannot afford to help her any more but my heart is hurting. Thank you for your videos.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

😥

[@roxannebritt5023]

My heart is with you sweet mama. My son is out there too using fentanyl

[@nesq4104]

Get so ill services and put her in a facility. That's the best advice. She is beyond non medical helo.

[@dandixon3795]

One thing that is huge. The family might be a huge part of the problem. A dysfunctional critical family can create emotional problems that make the addiction seek self medication. In that case, the dog can’t be free until it is let out of the cage.

[@judyvanessa9617]

My baby Daddy is an addict. It's hard to deal with someone who has an addiction problem. Specially when you have kids. First of all you have to think about your kids and yourself. You have to do what you have to do. Most of the time they said that they are going to change and they just keep doing the same thing over & over.

[@veronicaguerra2026]

My partner is a crack addict. It turns him into a monster despite the fact he is a pure angel at heart. It’s so taxing on me mentally and emotionally. I’ve been trying for 2 years. He had a brief period of recovery and relapsed after he and I went out for dinner and drinks. I feel like I e been a bad partner for him bc I drink socially but when he drinks he doesn’t stop and always goes looking for drugs.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Veronica, Sorry you're in such a crumby situation. I can tell from your comment, how much you care for him.

[@lanaloveseth2759]

I just left my 3rd relationship with an alcoholic. I decided to get off the crazy train of toxic destruction. I was so desperate again to have someone love me that I also started to drink with the alcoholic. My anxiety has now reached an all time high, now I’ve finally gotten out after 3 years. My parents were both alcoholics so I have the familiarity of addiction in my life. I just hope I can get on a proper path of not doing it AGAIN.

[@nessauk2786]

I'm sure you can x

[@freakylocz14]

Love is also an addiction in the brain. The person in love with an addict cannot let go because they are addicted to them in the same way the object of their love is addicted to their drug of choice.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It sure is!

[@freakylocz14]

@@PutTheShovelDown My story was I fell in love with this young man whom I had been having casual sex with for years. When his partner left him, we got together. About 2 months into the relationship, he revealed he used heroin. I accompanied him to "pick up" (slang for buying drugs), but he would lie and say he was just buying marijuana. A couple of years later, he's finally getting help. But I know my story is an outlier, and even in my case, this outcome really only happened by the skin of my teeth. I cried tears of sorrow for him almost daily. The day he finally went to rehab, I cried again. But these were tears of joy and praising God.

[@Heavenlysky89]

My boyfriend is addicted to alcohol and drugs. It's the most difficult and bizarre situation I have ever been in. And yes, it's so hard to leave although I know I should leave. He refuses to seek help so not sure how much long-term I can stay.

[@oliverthecuriouscatnice2264]

Been on Sunoxone for 5 years and I want to come off so badly. I know I can I just have to make the time. And in the meantime the way I am behaving is too much for my partner. I love her and wouldn’t ever want to lose or hurt her. But I just feel like this medication is doing more harm than good. I wish I knew more about it at the time I got on it but I was getting sober alone and afraid. Thank you so much for your videos - I have learned a lot about me

[@TapIntoAlignment]

Same with me and my bf on strips. He changed his plan in getting off of Subox. and now he’s gone. Said he had “everything under control”,”I got this!” . Said he would never leave his amazing life and me. Guess he really didn’t have it under control. Taper off that poison very slowly if you truly want to be clean and keep what you have.

[@bruceclark9878]

I've been clean for almost 19 years. I was blessed with the willpower to quit without assistance and with no support. My current girlfriend is in rehab now for opiates. She seems to be more understanding at this point in the recovery and I understand completely, the power of the addiction. How do I support her at this point in the struggle, without doing more harm than good?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Bruce, Here's a video on that exact topic. I it might be helpful to you: kzbin.info/www/bejne/sGm6YWqie9p2m9E

[@taylorstixx4229]

Thank you for sharing your knowledge. Your words have brought me a lot of validation and clarity. I’m going through a breakup right now we were together for 7 years and when we broke up I realized he was in active addiction our whole relationship he was just hiding the severity of it.

[@avalonmist254]

Absolutely I have seen people literally come back from the dead...my son is 44 and has made irreversible pancreas damage that has led to diabetes, with liver and more physical damage... I still have hope even tho he is still drinking and I have even been considering hospice... after 37 years of Al-Anon I am the last man standing too.. however slowly we are making some progress for housing ...he can't live through any more homeless situations because at this point we have bigger health problems than the alcohol which is my point....your encouragement to be kind and compassionate with strong boundaries has been priceless and I still hold onto hope either way these are days I could miss otherwise... Don't ever give up and I'm not saying stay in dangerous or abusive situations however if my son does pass with this horrible disease I would have been so wrong to have missed these days which could be his last...

[@PutTheShovelDown]

"encouragement to be kind and compassionate with strong boundaries" . You hit the nail on the head with this statment! 💯💯💯

[@avalonmist254]

@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you 💘

[@neurologicalworms]

Great video...all of it resonates unfortunately 😭 my spouse is an alcoholic. We have a 2 year old and 4 year old. I've been a stay at home mom so once I leave him I'm going to have nothing at all. I've waited so long to see him get better. It's like " please just commit to recovery, please. Please you're destroying everything, youre destroying my life, and you're the only one with the ability to make it stop" We fell madly in love when we met but alcoholism changed things fast. I feel like he never gave the love and the connection we shared a fair chance. It's so sad to me.

[@laurenmartin609]

I feel this so, so much as my daughters are the same age. I work but still feel as if I left, my world would be flipped upside down. Have things gotten any better?

[@laurenlong2618]

I've been watching your videos all night. They're helpful and even confirmation. It's difficult to maintain my relationship with my addict partner (pain pills--roxies). He swore the few months while he was in jail and rehab that he was going to do everything he can to stay clean, to never touch pills again. He's been caught multiple times since being out using. He's lied about it, but a few times he's later came back admitting that he used. His lies and manipulation have progressed. I caught him (he doesn't know this yet) offering to sell a gold chain (I'm positive it's to make money for roxies). I was wondering where he would've got this gold chain from?? We're staying at my dad's home right now, as Hurricane Laura has damaged the homes in my city. I looked for this gold chain he was talking about. I found it. He stole a necklace I was given to as a child, hid it and planned on selling it behind my back. He has SO many great qualities. I believe that he loves me, at least to the extent at which he's capable. Between the connection we have, the great qualities he posses and our love for one another, this is quite complicated for me. I don't think I can continue this relationship. The lies and manipulation were enough, but theft? He has it in him to change and be the amazing person that he is at heart. I'm weighed down with stress and guilt about the idea of leaving him, but I think if I stay the built up resentment will be unhealthy for myself and for him.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sad to say, but when it comes to pain pills (they're so expensive), stealing is almost always involved.

[@jeanetteeast7343]

I have been separated from my husband for about 2 years we have been together since I was 16 I’m 54 now. You are so right about the trap. Love ur videos I’ve learned so much. Thank you 😊

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Jeanette! Thank you so much for the kind words and positive support.

[@jerramyhre8065]

So true. I never feel like I’m second third or ect…. It’s so painful

[@rachelk2907]

Your sister is lucky to have you. I hope she is doing better these days. X

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Rachel K thanks Rachel, you’re very sweet 🥰

[@patriciasimon728]

I’m so good at hiding any issues, no one knows there are any. Trust me, when I’ve brought it up to one or two, I encounter surprise. Guess I’m enabling and it is a painful way to live. 50 years, whew!

[@taliafranklin8179]

I am watching it because my husband is an addict. I am trying my hardest to not walk out on my marriage but I can not take any more.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It's okay to take care of yourself, Talia!

[@michellebarry3201]

I have a spouse with a very bad addiction to cocaine. It’s horrific, lead to him being a complete different man. I don’t know him anymore. Only time I see him be logical and speak any sense is when he is coming down. Is that normal?

[@dianejaramillo2500]

Going thru it with my boyfriend right now… thank you for this video it’s helping me so much ❤️

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome!

[@gallen2101]

Me 2

[@karenc9079]

It was killing me and I lost myself in the relationship with my alcoholic husband.We have been separated a year, still living with the after effects. I struggle with accepting what is not what I want it to be

[@sagrammyfour]

Just started listening to you. I never thought I'd end up like this. Late in life I found a wonderful man who would occasionally drink way too much. He had a serious brush with the law, the court had mercy on him, and he escaped unscathed. I wish there had been some consequences because it caused him to believe he ever had a problem. Now several years later he is a raging alcoholic and I am trying to figure out what to do. It's not only that I'm unhappy, but all areas of my life have been negatively impacted, including my health. I know I can survive without him, but to see him slowly committing suicide (job, professional license, his family (he has very dysfunctional grown daughters), friends and colleagues), is very very painful. It's like he drenched himself in gasoline and keeps striking matches, waiting for one to light up.

[@kapowitsme7646]

I think we need to give ourselves more moments where making the uncomfortable luxury of changing our mind is ok in society ( regardless of the choice because it can be a long, tiring, draining experience with addiction)

[@PutTheShovelDown]

So true!

[@rhodahenderson8503]

I have a boyfriend who keeps turning up under the influence and/or uses in the garden at my house. I've asked him to not use when we're together. Occasionally he listens, but it slowly creeps back in. If I ask him to leave, he kicks off and starts to throw all kinds of criticisms at me (things like I think I'm perfect but I'm this that and the other )....Advice appreciated! 🙏

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Rhonda, that's a really great question. Here is a link to our playlist on boundaries. I think you'll find a ton of helpful information in there! kzbin.info/aero/PLaaJWwIpP_zaSO2T0UAQ7X5elGVsphwIV

[@beeangulo903]

My husband is a Meth addict and I know that I need to walk away from him but I'm scared about the healing process. I love my husband but I'm tired of the cheating, lying, feeling like I'm not enough when I know I am. He doesn't want to get help he says his not ready maybe if I walk away he will ask for help down the line. I need help to start my own recovery!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It's okay to take care of you!

[@ashadurose2841]

This is so good. We can but try until it hurts us too. I hate what addiction does to decent people.

[@geoffturner6021]

THANK YOU for your insights about relating to an addictive person. I have been trying to understand the situation of being in a relationship with an alcoholic partner..

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure, Geoff. I'm glad it was helpful.

[@thevisionteam-danandkimarm2351]

Here as a parent of my 31 year old daughter who has been an alcoholic for over 10 years.

[@reginabutler9571]

Hi Amber. Thank you for the insight. I can see where I need to let go and also be supportive in a healthier way.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Regina Butler hi Regina. Thank you so much for your kind feedback❤️

[@user-vf3fg1gl7pMsSandy]

Thank you Amber..excellent advice..outstanding video. I do agree..it is in the closeness of the dynamic of the relationship. One really needs to mentor and show that sober living is a totally new way of thinking, seeing, feeling and being life for the addicted person. Then reinforce through showing how to live a accountable humble honest life in happiness and inner peace. Lead by example and communicate openly. Rebuild the dynamic through trust, follow through and move forward. Thank you soo much Amber.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

SANDY C. EDEN well said, Sandy❤️

[@user-vf3fg1gl7pMsSandy]

@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you Amber..coming from you that is a real compliment which I take to my heart💜💝

[@TheSLK1973]

Hi there...after 6 months last week....he turned up clearly over the limit driving with his son and was hiding wine in the car....I finally told him to leave me alone. ...it is too painful to see his loving side and then his devious nasty lying selfish side......I can't do it anymore

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Sarah. I can see how very painful this must be. 😥

[@TheSLK1973]

@@PutTheShovelDown thank you.....it's desperate watching a grown man behave like that....it is as if he has no control

[@duceswild1042]

This topic is a very double edge sword for my situation.

[@3039mayowood]

You discuss that the relationship building is what is going to get the addict to eventually open up and change. What happens when so much dishonesty and manipulation has occurred that you literally feel nothing anymore for that person? And what do you do if that person is a non-communicator and has continually elected not to talk about anything emotional or relational during the better part of the marriage? What do you do when you have tried so hard to discuss things and feel you have been supportive and have given the benefit of the doubt for so many years even under the shroud of lies......what do you do then? What do you do when the lies and psychological abuse have caused you to have no feelings left? For this person anymore?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Betsie Holtan hi Betsie, it sounds like you’re trying to decide how much longer you should keep trying? Here’s a video titled “should I stay or should I go” kzbin.info/www/bejne/e5_Qe39ur6epp8k

[@SJC.3]

Every video I watch makes me cry

[@PutTheShovelDown]

💔Sorry Susan

[@michelleg1225]

me too

[@michelleg1225]

Amber I sat and watched about 6 or 7 videos tonight and have several more lined up. Everything crumbling after years of pain. First have an adult child with addiction and estrangement from the family for years and now my husband of 35 years....realizing that his casual drink has turned to full blown dependence. The pain is nearly intolerable now....and he keeps trying to make me think I'm the mean bitch who's crazy.and making him want to drink....its his own depression over multiple things, I know that. You cant believe how much I needed your kind calming sensibility this evening! Thank you so much for your posting these topics. I love your honesty with no sugar coating. I'm afraid of the road ahead , but I dont feel alone......blows my mind to see how many people are living the same nightmare. You truly helped my heart today

[@MsBlueDahlia]

Thank you so much for making these video. I love you so much for helping us try to understand this disease. There is so much hope & suffering and it is so soothing to have someone understanding and try to help with sound advice.. I cling to every word you say and can feel how authentic your desire is relieve the misery.

[@MsBlueDahlia]

Spouse relapsing over and over again every 4-6 months.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Nina, Thank you for your kind an supportive words!

[@kayeanthony5467]

My adult daughter has a mental illness and alchol abuse , I'm caught in the addiction , I can see it but have trouble changing , thankuou for your honesty .I'm not alone , I am heart broken would love her to get well or live a quality life , I have tried tough love detaching but now I just give in but getting unsettled and feel quilts and shame and feel trapped both of us

[@angieb347]

Your channel is a blessing! So glad I found it!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's wonderful, Angie! I'm so glad you liked it 😁

[@SophieBird07]

You are soooo inspiring. Honestly. Do you teach therapists? I hope many are listening to you here. You have got to care without being all knowing. But I can see how therapists can get exhausted trying to get through.My daughter is 30, my youngest of four. She had been clean for two years after losing her boyfriend to amputations and heart valve surgeries from drug use. But I had to kick her out because things just got too crazy when she started using again.Even the loss of the love of her life wasn’t enough to make her stop. Then I didn’t see her for another year. She called me this week (I’ve mourned her probable death so many times). She started again today in the Methadone clinic and I think she might be ok this time around.... but who can know. We can hope. She is much more motivated it seems, and has acknowledged to herself she was more like 30 going on 15 and too willing to let others run her life when they couldn’t run their own. Time will tell. Your program is so important. Thank you.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Sophia, Thanks for the positive feedback. We do have a good amount of therapist and peer support specialist who watch this channel. It sounds like your daughter is at least showing more humility and willingness. That's a good sign!

[@SophieBird07]

Put The Shovel Down, Sadly there is already money missing from my purse, but I can’t say exactly when, so I kept quiet. She has only been here 3 days. Guess I sleep with my wallet again as I pay for her dosing and cigarettes. I don’t even smoke! Not sure I can do this again.

[@ladyday1972]

I'm going thru it talky bad with my daughter. She is 29 and she's been an addict since she was 18. She was in and out of jail for a few years and she got sober and was doing really good for 4 years then met a guy who was sober but they ended up using this last year and basically everything fell apart within a few months. As of the 1st they will be homeless. I've told her that we will help her get into a sober living but she refuses to admit she's using right now and she refuses to go to a sober living. She doesn't think she needs it. My question is if she ends up homeless do I just sit back and let that happen? I have told her she can't live with me but if she's wanting help to get clean I'm all over that. My husband and I have been in recovery for more than 20 years. I guess I know the answer to this question already. Just the thought of her being homeless is my worst nightmare next to her dying from this. One sad mom over here.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's a true nightmare for any mother. I'm so sorry you're going though that. Being in recovery yourself, probably makes it even more complicated.

[@keishamari]

I am with you! Hope you are doing ok now and holding strong.

[@agopedro2671]

Thank You Amber... Best video I have seen in years about addiction. I am here because of love. Keep saving lives!!! Love your work!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you for your kind words and support!

[@LAF-today]

Love your videos, learning how to deal with adult child.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Leigh Ann, thanks for the nice feedback. Knowing my videos help others is what keeps me motivated to make them.

[@robinross5102]

It's been my experience that it can work IF you don't mind suffering intensely 😓😫😥

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Can't really argue with that!

[@prismonthethehorizon5793]

My mum was an alcoholic from me being about 15 years old, it was indeed progressive and eventually after I had a couple of breakdowns in my early 30's ( because I was also stuck in narcissistic abuse). I had no choice but to cut my mum off for a few years. She's been in recovery on and off for a decade after being diagnosed with stage 5 liver cirrhosis, she nearly fell off the wagon when her youngest sister died 2 and half years ago and last year when my nan's birthday came up in November. They do get better but it's always easy for them to fall back into. I have to keep my distance with my mum in order to cope as my bf's mother is in stage 4 cancer and has just gone into the hospice 2 weeks ago. Sometimes you have to put yourself first but don't want to, it is really, really, really difficult to cut ties with the people you love. Sometimes there's no choice but to detach, it really doesn't have to be forever, sometimes it can be just for a time whilst you yourself are trying to recover! We should never demonise an addict, ever. Underlying addiction is often a deep seated pain, in my mums case it was loss, her sister committed suicide, then her dad died less than a year after, she then lost my dad as he divorced her ( that's when the alcoholism really stepped up), then she lost her eldest sister who was her support, then her nephew (through alcoholism), then her 2 brothers and then my nan and recently my auntie her youngest sister so the underlying cause is grief but trying to get my mum to admit that she's an addict has been impossible! Anyway she's got a supportive partner but I went mental with him a few months ago for bringing alcohol into her house, I think he's become addicted to alcohol too. So in some cases association with an addict can hurt you if you're not strong enough to follow suit. It's complex, I think you first have to do what's right for yourself first and then make decisions from that place!

[@marguerites.4860]

I’m trying to get past the guilt of moving on from a guy only was dating for a short time who has a drinking problem. I got out asap. He was so sweet to me but I’m now wondering if it was manipulation. I pray he gets help.

[@barbaraondich7374]

No offense Amber but you would not get anywhere with my son. He is right now in a Rehab and still manipulating everyone around him. Honestly, I think there is no hope. I had to detach myself after 15 years of my son's drug addiction. I have to fix myself now before I lose it.

[@liberty8463]

Hi, my wife has been an alcoholic for 18 years of marriage. But before I met her. Looking back it was always there 20 years ago. I am heartbroken. She has gone for a divorce. Been a ambler for 18 years. Then may 2020 I said NO more.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I'm so sorry you're going through this Richard, I know just how heartbreaking it is. 😥

[@serenamiller3114]

I am watching being a wife to an alcoholic. He has physical symptoms of withdrawal when he quits drinking. He has been trying to recover for three years. He isn’t there yet. I love your videos!

[@mazermajestic]

Thank you so much I listened for the second time and feel more hopeful having your strategies with my beloved

[@PutTheShovelDown]

YOu're so very welcome!

[@70shanac]

I am the spouse of a binge addict and im just broken.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It's so exhausting!

[@TapIntoAlignment]

Get yourself into Alanon.org. Call in meetings have saved my sanity.

[@brookecoblentz6793]

My half sister is an addict and has been since 2013. She does not have a drug of choice, she will do whatever she can. She’s done heroin, crack, meth, and more. She has been to prison and been to rehab 7 times (for long periods of time) and found out she was pregnant in detox after the cops picked her up hallucinating on Meth. She just had her baby on the 19th and CPS has given her stipulations that if she messes up once they are taking the baby. I’m scared that because she hasn’t addressed the cause of the addiction, changed her atmosphere, or implemented any changes. Is there hope?! 😢

[@JoBrill07]

Oh my gracious is your soul lovely! ,....Amber, I work in mental health in north Texas ....God bless everything you do! ...It is SO, so helpful.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Jo from Texas! 😁

[@lizskrz1720]

Hi! I’m rather new to knowledge about substance abuse. And I’m considering a relationship with the most amazing man. a recovering heroine addict. He’s been completely sober for 10 years. And I am ambivalent about starting a relationship. My dad is an alcoholic so I know my fair share of heart ache and addiction. Any advice? Should I risk it? What do I need to know about it? Any video links you could send? Thank you. I love your videos! So very welcoming and real.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Liz, Here's a link to my playlist specifically for people in a relationship with someone who has an addiction: kzbin.info/www/bejne/Y2TNZ3t3nbSXZ9k

[@michelecrouse5284]

its alot of truths i needed hear.

[@mollasima3251]

Im a girlfriend watching this. Thank you for making this.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure, Mollasima! Thank you for watching!

[@lindadubberly2458]

Alcoholics die a slow painful death and watching them is just as bad If not worse, and the older they get it so badly affects there mental state ! It's a horrible way to die please get the help please !!!!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's 100% correct, Linda!

[@GagaDebbie]

I heard and felt every word. Thank you

[@SunShine-xs7ig]

Hi Amber.thanks for your videos. My husband fell in the abyss of drugs since one year.ive been married for 19 years.never thought this could happen one day.he's lost interest in his job.he no longer spent time with us.and the sad part is that he has got into drugs when I got pregnant for our second baby.so I'm stucked between addiction and my little baby.its very difficult for me to get separated as I've a depressed mother.ive no father and no brother.it seems that he is using this very bad situation of mine to make my life hell. He's no more at home.he stays all day long with his addictive friends and he does not spend time with us.i talk with him practically every day but he just does not do any effort. He is constantly getting calls from his friends who are also drug addicts.im really desperate and don't want to live anymore.but I am really sad for my baby and my other daughter so apart from accepting his doings I can't do anything else nor talk with my mother on this issue.what can I do.im just hopeless.😔😪

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Sun Shine, I have a FREE Facebook group for families, if you'd like to join. I think you could find some support there: facebook.com/groups/familyrecoverysupport

[@LW-ej6id]

Get out. Apply for assistance if necessary. Start over. Try any other life path.

[@TJ-lk3uq]

It's my spouse.It's a horrible situation for everyone involved.Your dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. It's like your stuck in a constant limbo. The toll it takes on the nearest and dearest, as well as the addicted loved one - is soul destroying. You become a shell of a person

[@elizabethevans7198]

Thanks so much for the information. It so helps .

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Elizabeth Evans thank you for watching!

[@jmoonchild7682]

Love your channel. I'm learning the ropes when dealing with a close friend with her addiction. Thank you for sharing this. Hope it can help improve some of the "harder times" between her and I. I have started laying down the ground work for boundaries and so far she understands, so we shall see.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi J! thanks for the positive feedback. I'm so glad you're finding these videos helpful. Let me know if you ever think of a topic idea that I should cover .

[@crobinson9165]

A friend who is an addict also lives with me. I'm looking for tips in how to talk to him about it. Because once I get the courage I don't want to blow it. I also feel a little trapped between my love for him and my desire to have a normal life

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi C, I have the perfect video for you! This video contains things you need to know before you confront someone about a Substance Abuse problem. kzbin.info/www/bejne/jnWqpKh6q9N-d68

[@crobinson9165]

@@PutTheShovelDown thx good stuff. I've got a ton of people he doesn't even know praying for him. On prayer counselor said, " pray first. Ask God to speak threw you and then tough love." I prayed that prayer, looked at my friend and no words came out. " Nothing. But after listening to you Im so glad I didn't bolt him down with tough love. My friend is middle aged with ptsd anxiety and abandonment issues. He's struggled with his emotions since before he was a teennager. He has trust issues too. Others have done the tough love "kick you out" thing countless times. He's always ready to get the boot. I offered him a home and security, which to the outside world seems pretty dumb. He's not abusive and any manipulation he does is very subtle. I plan on really strong what you have to say.. I have narcam hidden away in case I need it. Thanks so much!! Yeah, I know what he wants out of life, he wants to be a grandfather to a child he's never met, own his own sandwich shop and have a family. I love your videos

[@Chydova]

My boyfriend of three years is addicted to drinking. We are in a long distance relationship ( of the 2ys) and says he drinks only because he is lonely and wouldn't drink if i was living with him. However, I don't believe that it would change if I did decide to marry him ( because living before marriage is out if the question) I need to see the change before we get married. This is really hard because I love and care for him and it hurts me to see him wasting away and his talents. Yet this has been really hard on me and I feel as if I am loosing myself. I really don't know what to do. (He also quit smoking a bit after we started dating, but starting this year he began again)

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's a very smart boundary!