Bessel van der Kolk, MD, On Trauma-Induced Shame

Get the latest strategies on treating trauma in our short course: "How to Work with Shame" with Ron Siegel, PsyD, Peter Levine, PhD, Kelly McGonigal, PhD, and many other experts: www.nicabm.com/program/shame/...
Trauma can leave clients with deep, debilitating feelings of shame.
And for clients who experienced trauma in early childhood, those feelings may have shaped their self-narrative for years.
So in this video, Bessel van der Kolk, MD, shares how he approaches trauma-induced shame that stems from childhood trauma.
To check out the NICABM blog, click here: www.nicabm.com/bessel-van-der...
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[@aglup2630]

Thank you for reassuring me that I didn’t make it up. This was not just a childish story. The feeling of shame has followed me since my childhood. I am 66.

[@joywilliams4014]

I am 61 and the same for me.

[@helenwarren5217]

77 years and it seems to becoming worse.

[@louistulloch1159]

Were you all able to revisit, connect the dots and begin that healing path in regards to it?

[@vernthompson907]

62…..same. Finally found the answers I’ve been seeking❤️

[@heidihageman523]

You're not alone!!!!!

[@abbykoop5363]

Yes. Hard to not think it's "you" when your mother constantly tells you you are evil and going to hell. I had so many nightmares!

[@maurafenlon8071]

I can relate. So sorry you went thru that💕

[@abbykoop5363]

@@maurafenlon8071 Thank you.

[@Montendoza]

💔

[@donwalker117]

Me too

[@louistulloch1159]

Wow. Up until recently I thought my Mom was one of the worst ones. She didn't go out of her way to harass me and call me names but her abuse - it by no means makes it right - was reactionary.

[@SovereignStatesman]

It's even worse because victim-blaming secondary victimization for HAVING trauma-symptoms like fear, failure, depression and vulnerability; and this leads to self-blame, since trying to overcome these things just becomes self-defeating since it makes everything worse-- and then the victim is blamed even more for "running away and hiding, feeling sorry for themselves" etc. and "taking the easy way out and not facing their fears" etc.

[@plutonia7096]

True, the ever paradoxal message of victim blaming! Probably rooted in this sick societal hyper focus on performance, the rat race and all .. many therapists where I live take the angle of what is defective about you aka how you are WRONGLY handling yourself and life instead of taking the scientific approach of understanding that biological survival coping mechanism were unfolded to keep you safe during dangerous times, that became inappropriate now for your new circumstances , making you a validated participant of your own healing instead of some looser that can’t get it right!

[@sm7657]

This is what keep people in trauma and pretty much every therapist spews this bullshit

[@lorenrenee1]

So spot on. Having an ill parent can be a deep trauma.

[@bleepgloop]

My older sister would convince me that every trivial, muniscule mistake I did was done intentionally and done to hurt her or the family. I grew up thinking in every way that I deserved the awful things that happened to me because of the small mistakes that may have affected people. I breakdown and turn into a broken record of "Sorry" Eventually, I started reacting to people who I've upset by over explaining the thing I did. Letting them know my intention. That it was a mistake. I started getting defensive and very argumentative. And then a few years ago, an abusive ex told me I deserved every bad thing that happened to me. Hearing that from someone else's mouth for the first time in my life triggered me to react worse. It was the validation this monster in me needed. Now I can't be kind to myself or gracious to myself cause I only deserve the bad things and will never fully focus on the good. I fight harder to explain. I cut people I love off to avoid feeling shame. I breakdown and turn into a child throwing a tantrum if people refuse my explanation or apologies. What sucks is I'm aware of what's wrong with me. And if I had a friend going through what I am, I'd know exactly what to tell them and how to comfort or help them. But I don't practice that sort of kindness and grace to myself. I never believe the kind things I say to myself. The shame and guilt is still too strong for me.

[@medicscout3509]

Hi, I greatly resonate with your story. It gets better, with time. For me, I tried feeling the shame and guilt in the body, the sensations, and reminding myself that it's just the feeling. You can try it out, I know you're stronger than the feelings. Good luck ❤

[@g1fcg]

I am 64 years old, I grew up with the most horrendous, toxic, vicious, insidious, violent, unpredictable mother anyone could ever have, she shamed and blamed me for everything! I felt toxic shame all my life - even now, I 'know' none of it was my fault - I still find it really hard not to blame myself. I have flashbacks and intrusive memories all the time from my childhood. After all these years it's still like it happened 'yesterday'! Still every day is a struggle!

[@roos.binnenwereldreiziger]

I am so sorry that has happened to you. I wish you alle the best and all the love in the world.

[@harmonicisis1863]

Ditto sir. I wish this on no person as my spouse deals with the same. My thoughts and prayers to all persons that they may find even a few moments of peace and love. I do not grasp these mothers. To wrap my head around them is...impossible as mother and daughter myself. As a Veteran id throat punch the the lot wete their children to volunteer them, until I could nó longer raise my arm.

[@louistulloch1159]

I am with you brother, it sounds torturous. I say, do not waste another minute and get on a healing path. Redress the trauma you've endured. Find peace and help others.

[@spetsnaz4027]

yes. me to

[@gerrieshapiro2147]

@Weaving A Tapestry is there a particular modality you could recomment?

[@AngelA010201]

This is my new favorite person. Just finished his book

[@robynhope219]

Glad it's not Gabor Mate, the charlatan!

[@Watercolordragon]

@@robynhope219why you say that? Im curious

[@robynhope219]

@@Watercolordragon the answer is in my last statement...Bessel is the REAL deal, not an imposter.

[@Watercolordragon]

@@robynhope219 but can you explain why is an imposter and help us all?

[@robynhope219]

@@Watercolordragon look up the word "imposter"

[@dmerojas]

I’ve had the pleasure of hearing Dr. van der Kolk present at various lecture series. I have never felt more understood by anyone else.

[@lisasommerlad1337]

Abuse is perceived as punishment, and punishment means "i deserve it".

[@kimberknutson831]

Excellent. My current therapist says that this man quite literally changed the world with The Body Keeps the Score. Some things can't be accessed solely via cognition. We call the mind/body connection the mind/body complex because it is complex. Of course, that is not the real reason, but the word complex is certainly apt. Thank you, Dr. Van der Kolk and colleagues for your brilliant insights. I really appreciate all of your hard work on our behalf. : )

[@JourneyWithHavi]

The fact the past is a part of me now helps because I feel like a child in so many ways being stuck in trauma and then people can feel like they are talking down to me when they don't understand this because they can easily brush off things I cannot.

[@punyashloka4946]

So true 👍

[@gerrieshapiro2147]

Well said

[@JoyfulWisdom]

Thank you for sharing this, Bessel and NICABM. It gives me much more relieve actually seeing you talk about this as a living breathing person, than just reading a book of yours. 😢 You're doing great work. Please keep it up! 🙂

[@robynhope219]

Imagine your parents telling you "your stupid, lazy..and will never amount to anything." They robbed me of a decent future😢

[@NellHall]

((((((((Hugs)))))))) I can relate, we can get through this.

[@pehu1322]

I love Bessels understanding and his words so much. He can feel what I feel and he has the words to descripe it - wonderful Bessel 💗

[@amdeko]

❤❤❤ i will forever clap for others until it's my turn 🎉🎉🎉

[@jfdc8432]

So well said. Thank you

[@kiskakuznetsova503]

Thank you!

[@andreejohnston516]

So please tell us how to not let this effect is right now! Like is there a mantra, an action, a thought we can use. Explanation is superb but solutions are more superb. 🙏

[@HealwithRannn]

Thanks ❤️

[@maurafenlon8071]

Excellent explanation

[@CocoShade]

Brilliant!!!

[@Watercolordragon]

Thank you friend ❤

[@Michael-it7nx]

This was relatable. 👍

[@harmonicisis1863]

Yes sir, i ask how can as a spouse can one help them mitigate or help them no longer keep the score? What is the best course when all the negative self talk and shame and tortuous childhood rear their head? The series of multiple cluster B's is so entangled that I would be shocked were a therapist able to detangle and choose the right one to begin with. I know his therapist is unsound in practice and is causing more harm, making a very tense relationship ripe with destruction. I weep for him and the stories his inner child have told me. How does one get thru to a therapist who is causing destruction supporting the disacociated/feuge/denial non reality? Or does one just simply walk away after 10 years save themselves at the expense of the person who suffered those childhood traumas? They know no alternate reality...

[@BASH_ANGEL]

Regards from your Dutch origin 🌷👋

[@danielbarrera8391]

Listening to him has allowed me to take a nap when ASMR has failed.

[@helenkryll]

Szia. Elmondanád mit hallgatsz asmr helyett?? Sajnos nem tudok angolul , igy nem értem a doktor úr videóját, viszont a erős cptsd tüneteim vannak. Köszönöm

[@GeorgeMakrides]

Thanks 🙏🏻

[@tiffanyjames594]

I would like to know his thoughts on how adoption (infant) affects the child and then adult.

[@robynhope219]

Alas, he does not answer. Most adoptees will want to search for their bio parents at some point. If you provided a good, loving home and the child is not aware he/she was adopted, I don't think it makes any difference whether bio or adopted.

[@mustangjane77]

That would be a whole other talk.

[@neilfleeming7824]

I was systematically seduced by my uncle's wife for years, she was at least 10 years older than me and I was between 20 - 25 years old. I didn't do anything with her but I see her in my dreams which involve intercourses and I wake up with huge a regret and shame. Then, when I realize that was a dream, I become the happiest person. Do you recommend me to see a therapist for this situation and could systematic seduction or seduction consider as an abuse?

[@peacheyearth]

Still see a therapist about this 🙏

[@awomansstory.2019]

Finding out that my husband was cheating on me was a huge shock. We were on a family vacation when I found out. I now feel such low self esteem! Why did he do this to me? Why was I not good enough? Am I still being lied to/ disrespected?

[@richardseargeant1077]

The cheating isn't about you....... there's been something going on inside your husband that is undelt with and most probably much older than your relationship with him. That said, you will BOTH have much work to do on yourselves before you will truly understand why you find your relationship where you do. I can't recommend strongly enough getting a therapist that specializes in childhood trauma for working through this very difficult situation.

[@MB-hw8bv]

Maybe your husband loves you so much, he is taking the trouble of cheating on you to show you that you are both still two free living beings and that you should treat eachother as such, in order to preserve the love you once had?

[@vikkievenden9988]

and now what ?

[@nicabm]

Hi Vikki, This is a short clip from our course about Working with Trauma-Induced Shame, which further explores this idea to help mental health professionals apply these concepts to their clients. I hope this helps!

[@g1fcg]

@@nicabm I think mental health 'professionals'? here in the UK really need to read 'The Body Keeps The Score'! Not one psychiatrist I've 'seen' (I've 'seen' many over the years!) even has an inkling of an understanding of even basic psychological trauma - let alone trauma going back to childhood! It's disgusting! Most of them don't even recognise Complex PTSD even exists!! The 'mental health' system here is a real shambles!

[@zehisap8883]

Australia is the same ☹️

[@christinepetzholtz9019]

@@nicabm where can I get information about the course Trauma-induced Shame very much interested in. Thanks!

[@nicabm]

www.nicabm.com/program/treating-trauma-master-6/ Here is the link to the course information!

[@helenkryll]

Kedves Doktor úr! Kérem segitsen,mit tehetek? Bántalmazó gyermekkor után bántalmazó kaocsolatokban kötöttem ki, ami nem volt furcsa környezet. A bántásokat nyeltem, mert elvált szülő gyereke ként megszokott volt. Most viszont történt valami... Egyik pillanatról a másikra beállt egy disszociatív állapot. Valahogyam az agyam leválasztott a testemről. Minden energia a fejemben van, nem tudok a testemhez kapcsolodni. Éjjelente 2 órát alszok, a panikrohamok miatt. Mit tudok tenni? Nincsenek érzéseim... Kérem.segitsen!

[@nicabm]

Hi, I don't have any personal recommendations that I can give, but I can direct you to this database: www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists Here, you’re able to search for therapists and support groups based on location, and filter through the results based on a variety of factors - specialties, approaches, and methods. Alternatively, I would also recommend that you review some of our blogs or free materials and reach out to our community. Many times, both practitioners and patients will comment on our materials, which may help you with what you are looking for. I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help, but I do hope this is a step in the right direction and helpful in finding the resources you need.

[@helenkryll]

@@nicabm 🙏thank you, köszönöm szépen

[@kathleenwharton2139]

My brother witnessed the murder-suicide of our parents. Our father came to the home to talk..an argument ensued..my father shot my mother five times and reserved the last bullet for himself. They both lay dead at my brothers feet and he was only about three years old. He remembers it all and well. This world is a very Hard Place.

[@professormurdoc1359]

I’m so sorry for both your and your brother’s experience. That is a truly terrible thing to have to go through. All I can say is that I wish you both peace and comfort in the present moment.

[@nadMoZzzg]

It's always so simple examples. Why kid and not adult? And what if that kid had a chance lol , what if kid was rude, pathetic , too self-absorbed, didn't really care and had questionable morality views why someone would suffer over some situation in childhood? Yes, you can be concern, bitter, have that "cognitivee dissonance". But it's take a big disappointment in yourself and have a really twisted worldview crisis to really go to the suffering zone

[@joanebel5207]

Thank you!