Best HFY Reddit Stories: In Case Of Emergency: Smash Coffee Pot

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[@singletona082]

Addendum: Human Engineers react *EXCEPTIONALLY POORLY* to said coffee pot destruction. *YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.*

[@kain7759]

Even more if they are bored when that happen, this could led to a premature end of of the universe caused by a tentative to make coffee naturaly produced by the human brain, don't ask me how xD

[@etopsirhc]

@@kain7759 The SCP foundation would like to know how you've come to know of Extinction Event Charlie, which has already claimed over 460 parallel dimensions.

[@akmon3490]

​@@etopsirhchehe using paralele dimensions when you just restarted the world after the engineers blew it up 😂😂

[@kain7759]

​@@etopsirhc Murphy's law first hidden article (modifying human brain will cause the end of the universe) plus human caffeine addiction. Do i need anything else to know this with mathematical certainty? xD

[@kain7759]

@@etopsirhc PS: you should be more carefull with how you approach people regarding those matters becouse you confirmed what could be swept away as conspiracy teory, i bet you got reprimanded for this and i'm sorry, want to recruit another agent? That would be me.

[@USS_Grey_Ghost]

If you need British military assistance, break, teakettle/Tea Pot. NOTICE: British military assistance only recommended for those in need of being colonized.

[@earnestbrown6524]

If it's a rapid hot water dispenser chance of JSDF showing up. Chances increase if Green Tea or Instant Noodles nearby.

[@kriegdeathkorps6035]

Break a random pot if any Terran military emergency response is needed. Break tea pot to call a British army. Break beer pot to call a German army. Break wine pot to call a French army. Break cola pot to call a US army. Break kvas pot to call a Russian army. Break green tea pot to call a JSDF army.

[@anathardayaldar]

"Yes, but do you have a flag?" E.I.

[@tacticalmarsupial6201]

@@kriegdeathkorps6035what’s the Australian army then?

[@kriegdeathkorps6035]

@@tacticalmarsupial6201 I dunno. What can be called australian national drink?

[@BeeKisses]

Do not come between a Terran and its weapons grade stimulants

[@ford6]

Lol, good story. Miss-direction and science.. everyone is looking at the pot, but the maker has the beacon in it, the unique sound of the pot breaking is the trigger

[@kopkaljdsao]

Has to be a US style healthcare incorporated into galactic society. Broken coffee pots result in such high payouts it's cheaper for insurance companies to hire a private army and install a quantum emergency beacon in every coffee pot in the galaxy.

[@Totally_not_a_lizard_person]

Humanity aside, I am a terran.. The title alone was fighting words.. And I have mixed feelings about the guy getting away with it... I mean I understand... Im just hurt..

[@galbert117]

*Coffee pot destroyed* Terrans: SO YOU HAVE CHOSEN DEATH! *Alien ally points at threat* *TERRAN CHARGES THREAT*

[@DeezNuts-kl2te]

Threat ceases to exist

[@lumberluc]

Ah, The Terran Tactical Repair Response Team. Every single manufacturer of first grade machinery has a contract with those guys.

[@taitano12]

The way the humans arrived shows that they were already on the way and arrived just moments before the pot was shattered. The fact that it happens EVERY SINGLE TIME is an aspect of causality probability that has been a mystery even to humans since before the beverage even existed. A glass blower under Constantine's made a strangely designed glass pot. When it fell off a shelf, a strangely dressed man appeared at his door "... with a thin blue scarf knotted 'round his neck and a pair of the finest crystal lenses attached to his face. In his hand was a pair of sticks fastened together, like the sticks of Ezekiel, but with a third between them." The man lamented the loss of the pot and was confused that they hadn't discovered coffee yet, and how he was summoned if there wasn't any coffee spilled when the pot broke. "He left the way he came, saying he had to get back to his pewter comb." It's the first mention of "kofie"[sic] several centuries before its documented discovery.

[@gaminglaser77]

Weird is this real

[@taitano12]

@@gaminglaser77 Yup 👍 🙄 A bespectacled IBM Engineer with a sliderule from the 70s was forced to time travel to the 4th century because someone broke a coffee pot. 😉🤣

[@funkmastaC]

If you thought that was bad you don’t want to know what happened to the guy who changed the thermostat on a hab block. A real dadageddon.

[@singletona082]

On the upside. Said hab block ended up getting a new halloween decoration.

[@broEye1]

Sadly, this also led to massive loss of human life, as a civil war broke out shortly afterward. It was noted by some that each side was largely, though not entirely, single-sex.

[@russellperry9902]

I member this story.... DOnt do this... DOnt do this Unless You Mean it.

[@Struthio_Camelus]

This is why factories producing standard 10-cup borosilicate carafes are working three shifts per day.

[@mikearroyo3961]

Being a coffee drinker, I could not stop laughing.

[@DigitalAlexN]

That's a good ending, but also at the same time I was just expecting free bird to play over the speaker system with a ship falling from orbit

[@tamiru-bliz]

Coffee is life, Coffee is love! Coffee is EVERYTHING

[@TheSolidSnakeOil]

Coffee pot sent a distress signal and the marines came a-running.

[@meanderthelost6029]

You just know the authors a coffee lover whose day started off on a bad note. And then they where just like fuck it I don’t have my inspiration without coffee protecting my sanity so I will simply make my lack of coffee (and sanity) the inspiration instead!!

[@thejuggernautofspades9453]

Hey uhh galatic council mind explaining this.... uhhh data pad Yes as a terran i do have an additional sense if and when things break, regardless of line of sight or hearing. But i do find it blasphemous to smash coffee pots, please find alternative ways to summon terrans

[@ShadowSHLD]

you sir owe me a truck load of coffee for this insult to coffee pots

[@GuardianSage]

I think that his timing was more coincidence than anything else, but man was it funny. 😂

[@Voron_Aggrav]

yes, that was the joke, as cause and effect has been so eerily on point that everyone would assume it'd be true, even if there's a whole slew of other reasons Far more plausible and likely

[@jdtheone]

Great story and while not a coffee drinker I definitely understand the addiction to it 👍👏❤️

[@Jszar]

The solution to an emergency involving a broken coffee pot is clearly a thermos of hot coffee.

[@mikehenthorn1778]

If you need ships break the navy grade coffee machine

[@Goulmy86]

Reminds me of the "dont kill terrans, because they become zombies in space" story.

[@LuigiL75]

Oh the Humanity…Not the coffee machine! 😮

[@christinepearson5788]

Coffee pot broken =Terran Marines very unhappy. Unhappy E4 maffia = something positively going pay.

[@robert-trading-as-Bob69]

When aliens realize coffee and tea are whole religions to humans.

[@arandomsystemglitch2398]

Don't forget beer aswell or well just any alcoholic drink because of course it is

[@robert-trading-as-Bob69]

@@arandomsystemglitch2398 Alcohol is religion for the masses, tea and coffee are for the hardcore believers. You are not supposed to talk religion or politics while drinking booze due to the fact that fights often breakout, but T and C don't befuddle the mind and break friendships up... unless you forget how to make your friends special brew or forget to stir the damned sugar in enough times. I only started using sugar about 10 years ago, so always thought 10 stirs was enough. It wasn't. I was almost excommunicated from making coffee ever again, even my own!

[@eddoh2701]

[COFFEE POT IS BROKEN] Defcon 0

[@nigredoooalgown6245]

Defcon minus 10

[@jofknoll]

if you find yourself in English space substitute coffee pot for tea pot

[@jamesbuckner4791]

Naw coffee has become rather universal.

[@Darkwintre]

Looks across at coffee drinker. Clearly you've never encountered decaf tea the response to THAT...

[@jamesbuckner4791]

​@Darkwintre They're a couple of decaf teas this side of the pond. Last person whom ordered one was treated as a weirdo he also wanted a regular glass of unsweetened tea.

[@KaiHenningsen]

They never dreamed of these far-reaching developments when they pointed the first ever webcam at the coffee pot in the Trojan Room in Cambridge in 1991 (Internet connectivity 1993).

[@tamiru-bliz]

The First image in internet was a coffee. Só yeah 💀💀💀💀💀

[@hugosinclair6798]

oh my glob, that was hilarious! XD

[@thomasscott6252]

If you smash my coffee pot I WILL FIND YOU.

[@AntonioRonde]

superb story

[@clintcarpentier2424]

You know, when I was a kindergartner, I lived in an apartment building. One day I got it in my head to pull the fire alarm, it did say "PULL" after all. I kinda expected firemen burst outta the walls and look for a fire. All I got was noise.

[@anathardayaldar]

Did you know Folgers sells coffee in filter bags? As a bachelor living alone, it is now my preferred means of getting coffee. A whole pot of coffee is not a fit for me. Too much caffeine. I have a keurig machine but they are annoying to pull apart so that I can recycle the plastic cup part. Instant coffee has become unbearable.

[@tamiru-bliz]

😎😎😎😎😎

[@fabianwood9457]

Good story ,don't mess with a man's coffee ,it means war

[@ponocni1]

I think if they switched shatter coffee pot with touching the thermostat would be funnier, but still.

[@broEye1]

Not a good idea, military response would be lessened by massive infighting.

[@loganshaw4527]

Who set off the dad alert?

[@oliverdouglas4065]

I mean I would assume that parents of every species would react the same way

[@theuglybiker]

Thermostat is for specialized responses. Moving it up will summon enraged male Terrans. Moving it down summons female Terrans.

[@Gr3nadgr3gory]

​@@oliverdouglas4065that works on paternal figures of all species.

[@arandomsystemglitch2398]

Well damn now im just imagining every ship in the galaxy doesn't even have a proper emergency tool for one case and all it is is a terran made coffe pot and now all i hear is hey captain the ship is tearing itself apart deep sign get the emergency coffe pot what you heard the coffee pot get it

[@oldschooldiy3240]

For some reason I do not see "coffee pots" in humanity's future! Yes, I own a Keurig Coffee Maker....

[@GirlPainting]

In need of german assistance, smash glas of beer instead.....frensch glas of wine ;-)

[@lumberluc]

"What a shame." *loads shotgun*

[@tamiru-bliz]

May god have mercy on you but i dont! Vibe check

[@allenmorgan1007]

For the Algorithm, for the Author(s), for the Disembodied Voice!

[@alastairbrand4998]

Was I the only here who had an "Airplane" flashback? 😊

[@oftcrash]

Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

[@happytravelling]

hilarious!

[@TheFirstMasked]

This was nice to wake up to. Though i can actaully see us doing that....

[@mariokajin]

Dying embers…

[@DubiousFIN]

What to do if human is caffeine free? (also He he, Pot.)

[@AzMedic]

LOL!

[@Potato_man_Jr1029]

Potato

[@Joshua-gs8ln]

🥔 Potato 🥔

[@orlandobritt1460]

Hash browns

[@jakevex4198]

I would laugh at this document if I saw it I think most humans would the only ones who would get offended by it would be Karen's or assholes

[@KurtisMiel-ys1md]

Okay that one was dumb funny but dumb😂😮

[@orlandobritt1460]

You have never worked in an office then coffee/the machine need to keep peace and has at least three or more people watching if it works

[@KurtisMiel-ys1md]

@@orlandobritt1460 no I've never worked in an office all my jobs were physical to say the least I fight I fuck and I work I beat motherfuckers asses and then I move on coffee is a part of that but so is cocaine meth alcohol energy drinks speed balls pretty much everything else you can think of cuz I live Full Throttle and I'm not afraid of death and I did not expect to live as long as I have but I'm still here and I'm still kicking and I'm still living Full Throttle so no coffee is like the least of the things that I can take in that does anything but you probably wouldn't know much about that I've been living Full Throttle since I was 14 been smoking since I was 12 so you have fun with your little coffee life me it takes a little something extra or not either way I live Full Throttle whether I got it or not or anything I'm still going full speed

[@jkbscopes1233]

@@orlandobritt1460 one time the coffe pot broke at my workplace no less then 10 requests for a new one hit the bosses desk before the hour was up

[@matthewshiers9038]

Dafwuak?

[@TairnKA]

lol

[@sgtwhisker26]

Another human addendum: please disregard the destruction of any coffee pot. If you’re human, doesn’t drink coffee. Some humans are immune to the stimulus effects of caffeine and will not partake in caffeinated drinks due to preference. There will be other methods of getting your human's attention written in this document if these are the circumstances you find yourself in

[@FallenKnightXIII]

One such method is as follows: Yell out in any Terran language, English or Japanese works best, "Goku is weaker than Superman!" As loud as you can. Upon arrival of Terran military point, however possible, at threat.

[@alanchengutierrezsanchez8602]

Si el humano es mexicano o indú se recomienda destruir la fuente de capsaicina más cercana si es alemán o ruso en su lugar destruir el licor (funciona con cualquier humano alcohólico)

[@methanbreather]

meh, not a fan of coffee. Why do people make such a fuss about it?

[@EeBee51]

It's a trope, a running joke, and like all running jokes it gets wilder and wilder as people try to maintain the humour...

[@ericgruendl8051]

Coffee is life, the caffeine must flow. Lol

[@tamiru-bliz]

Are you from tea team?