How to Persuade Others with the Right Questions: Jedi Mind Tricks from Daniel H. Pink | Big Think

How to Persuade Others with the Right Questions: Jedi Mind Tricks from Daniel H. Pink
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Sales guru and persuasion expert Daniel H. Pink explains how you can use motivational interviewing to influence others' thoughts and behaviors. Pink's latest book is "To Sell Is Human: The Surprising Truth About Motivating Others."
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DAN PINK:
Daniel H. Pink is the author of five provocative books - including the long-running New York Times bestsellers, A Whole New Mind and Drive. His latest book, To Sell is Human, is a #1 New York Times business bestseller, a #1 Wall Street Journal business bestseller, and a #1 Washington Post nonfiction bestseller. Dan's books have been translated into 34 languages and have sold more than 2 million copies worldwide. In 2013, Thinkers 50 named him one of the top 15 business thinkers in the world. He lives in Washington, DC, with his wife and their three children.
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TRANSCRIPT:
So let me give you a hypothetical. Suppose that you're a parent and you have a daughter, say a teenage daughter, whose room is an absolute mess. It just looks like a bomb went off in there and you want your daughter to clean her room. You're trying to sell her on the idea of cleaning her room. What do you do? Well, you could try to bribe her and that might work in the short term. You could try to threaten her -- that might work in the short term. You can try to exhort her, you can try to, you know, tell her about the meaning of clean rooms. But there's actually a technique from actually the counseling literature really crystallized by a fellow named Mike Pantalon of Yale University called motivational interviewing. And what you can do more effectively is ask two irrational questions. So, let's say that you have a daughter named Maria and Maria has a messy room and you want Maria to clean her room. The two questions you could ask Maria are this:
"Maria, on a scale of one to ten, one meaning I'm not ready at all; ten meaning I'm ready to do it right now. How ready are you, Maria, to clean your room." Now, Maria's room is a pig sty so she's not going to give you a ten or a nine or even a five. Maybe she'll give you a two.So she says, "Dad, I'm a two." Well here's where the second question comes in and it's a really interesting counterintuitive question. You say to Maria, "Okay, Maria. You're a two. Why didn't you pick a lower number?" Now our instincts as parents is to say -- as a parent of three kids I have this instinct very strongly. If my kid were to say to me I'm a two, I would say, "What, why are you a two? You should be a nine."
But you say, "Why didn't you pick a lower number, Maria?" So here's what happens. Maria has to explain why she isn't a one. Okay. So she says, "Well, you know, I am 15 and I probably should get my act together. You know, if I had my room cleaner I'd be able to get to school on time, faster and maybe see my friends a little bit more. You know, you and mom never know where anything is anyway so I'm kind of wasting my time asking you to help me." What happens? With that second question why didn't you pick a lower number, Maria begins articulating her own reasons for doing something. And this is really axiomatic in sales and persuasion. When people have their own reasons for doing something -- not yours -- their own reasons for doing something they believe those reasons more deeply and adhere to the behavior more strongly.
Now suppose Maria says, "Dad, on a scale of one to ten I'm a one." Okay. That makes things a little more complicated but it's actually really, really important to understand this. If you say to Maria -- if Maria says, "Dad, I'm a one." Here's what you say to Maria. "Maria, what can we do to make you a two." And what often that does is this. Maria will say, "Well maybe if you and mom help me for 15 minutes to get this started." "Maybe if you maybe not set the table and take out the trash tonight, that would free up some time for me."
Because usually when people are a one, it's often because -- not because they're purely obstinate. It's because there's some kind of environmental obstacle in front of them. And if someone says they're a one, find out what that obstacle is, try to make them a two and that might give you some more momentum.
Now the example I just gave had to do with...
Read the full transcript at bigthink.com/v...

[@bigthink]

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[@adriangaede9052]

I used this on my boss like you said and he said to stop calling him Maria. He didn't clean his room either, so...

[@bradboyd678]

Adrian Gaede

[@bradboyd678]

ay homenowandIin

[@hamman_samuel]

I tried this on my girlfriend and first thing she said is "Who's Maria?!" She broke up with me later, sob

[@antoniofernandes9663]

Your thumbnail and comment reminded me of this: Jane Goodall once spoke about stupid inteligence. She had a monkey that would defecate on her living room, so she would smack his bum and put him outside trough the window (level floor, obviously, in a corrective way). It got to point where the monkey would still shit indoors but then smacked is own ass and went through the window all by himself. You know, because logic. And somewhere along the line of breeding, some offspring of that very monkey became my boss.

[@mrexecutive]

Adrian Gaede please watch this video 🙂💙❤️ kzbin.info/www/bejne/gonbmYNjqMuYlcU

[@Ahimmelstein1]

I have used this technique for several years, both in sales, managing people, and on a personal basis with my sons. It does work. It does not mean that someone will perform they way you want them too, but it gets them and you closer to the real reason someone is not performing.

[@graw777]

My parents used the "Audio-Visual" technique: Dad- "Clean your fuc*** room NOW!!" (while holding his belt in one hand) Me- "Ok daddy..." ...this technique never failed them...

[@alexplode111]

If you're an adult who can't bring themselves to type a certain arbitrary word on the internet, I'd say Daddy's belt worked a little too well...

[@alexplode111]

***** Nope. I was referring to "subtlety." But that's not your strong suit is it? ...of course I was talking about 'fuck' and to be more specific, it would be "fuck-ING"

[@alexplode111]

***** No sorry. But I'm sure you'll find somebody someday, don't worry.

[@HitomiAyumu]

FACEOFF Right; use fear, pain and humiliation to encourage healthy emotional development. Because that's what fear does.

[@lawrence2992]

More like the abusive technique.

[@jasondewey1]

I live alone and I tried this technique on myself because my flat was untidy but nothing happened.What am I doing wrong?

[@Scarletpooky]

Me as a teen: Mum "How ready are you to clean your room."" Me "1" Mum "What can we do to make you a 2?" Me "Nothing, I don't think there's anything wrong with the state of my room. You might see a mess but I know exactly where everything is and can get to it easily. If it was 'tidy' then it would make it harder for me to find things when I wanted them." His focus is on convincing others to do what you want. What is much more important is you learning what they want.

[@Hauptseite]

That's when I'd ask them to find an object of my own in their room. "Hey, I was in here earlier and left behind my [item] but can't find it now. Do you know where it is?" My younger self hated my parents poking around my room, so then I'd be motivated to find the object and if I struggled to find it, I became irritated and committed to cleaning up a little bit despite the fact I knew where all of MY things were.

[@jdjack519]

Children want all sorts of shit that they don't need, and are not good for them. Figuring out what your children really want, is going to be about as useful to their adult psychology as trying to steer what they want. You'd be surprised at the results you get when you tell a kid that they don't have to like it, but that it is their job to keep their room clean, and the privileges that they have as a member of the family are dependent on them actually doing their job as a member of the family.

[@Derinma]

When I was younger I would have answered: 1, then to the question "what can we do to make you a do?" I would have answered: "I dunno", what now? (This could be useful if I end up raising a kid)

[@KnightsAndDarths]

"You could beat me, but that would be illegal"

[@sha1841]

Hi Daniel. Thanks for making this video. I found it very helpful. I hope you see this little note... What response would you give if someone said, "I'm a 5." Me: "Well, why aren't you at a 3?" Her/Him: "You're right. I don't have time to..." (adverse reaction) or if they just don't know & can't even give a definite answer as to why they aren't at least a 6 or 7.

[@emmafrost13333]

I, Maria, would have answered: ' So you wouldn't be as disappointing,dad, as if I would have said 1' or ' Wanted to still give you hope, dad, so you wouldn't get mad'.

[@nomizomichani]

Maria: Dad, On the scale of 1 to 10, how was I convincing to you that my room was 10?

[@TALKINGtac0]

Instructions not clear. She said -5, we talked, and now I'm cleaning her room and doing her hw for a month...

[@IHSchwingo]

That's presidential material, right there! Congratulations on your offspring.

[@TALKINGtac0]

+47Ronin Lol thank you 😊

[@zeromailss]

she got great talent,when will she be able to nominate herself as candidate for president ? ill vote

[@Chemike21]

Llmmaaoo)))

[@vectorsigma6757]

TALKINGtac0 You got schooled son...

[@InterStellah]

Just tried on my kids. They answered 10 and kept doing nothing.

[@newlifesolutions3806]

I know I'm 4 years late but that's some funny shit 😄

[@abhishekkashyap-iw9ig]

If they answered 10 then you need to clean your room daily and set a positive example 😁

[@thehealthandwellnessdread4444]

Lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Classic!

[@howardjuliewiley5629]

Classic!! The beautiful part is that they let you know that you are wasting your time. A SIL came to my house one day. She lived far away so she didn't really know our lives. She walked by our daughters room and saw that you could barely make a path to my daughter's bed. My SIL was disgusted by what she saw. My daughter was a 4.0 student, cheerleader and had a job. The messy room only got cleaned up when she went away to college. I insisted. She is now a cardiothoracic surgery PA and makes a ton of money and has the utmost respect of her peers. Twice a month, she hires people to come clean her house while she is at work and she pays them well. Life is never black and white.

[@TheFreezz123]

Persuasion 101: don't tell people to do something, make them think they want to do it.

[@PsychopathUltimate]

"I'm a 0." "Why?" "Don't give a shit." "What can we do to make you give a shit?" "Doing it for me."

[@simerpreetsingh6765]

Lmfao hahahahhaa

[@whatdupdoh]

and that room is now an office.

[@loganduncan5042]

Realistikk513 what was the name of that room? Albert Einstein

[@ToStand2]

+Psychopath omfg rofl

[@omegasrevenge]

+Psychopath You just summarized my entire outlook on life.

[@angelmsaa]

Boss, in a scale of 1 to 10, how ready are you to give me a promotion?

[@Ramt33n]

***** can't stop laughing =))

[@DiyEcoProjects]

***** hahaha funny

[@matejkvassay7993]

***** :D:D:D:D Nailed it

[@anismatar]

Well there is a 50% chance I'll promote you, and 100% chance I will not. So keep a good work and hope for bright future.

[@DScottWhitaker]

and if not I will come in to work with my Kalashnikov with a 60 round mag and clean house....tee hee

[@ChadKovac]

My kids would answer the "why not a lower number" with "I dunno"

[@Zhinakin]

***** i dunno

[@Zhinakin]

***** i dunno

[@Zhinakin]

***** thank you merry christmas and a happy near year PS: i dunno

[@Zhinakin]

***** Merry christmas

[@HitomiAyumu]

Chad k Reformulate the question. Find a way to motivate an answer. You can: suggest explanations that you think they might want to hear, ask a simpler question, make a connection between the situation and self esteem (nobody wants to feel incompetent).

[@DimitarN]

I actually think that "zero" is the most probable answer the dad would get in this situation. When asked to put something on a scale of 1 to 10, people often reply with 11 or 0, simply to emphasize on how much they love or hate the thing in question. And if the dad then asked what can he do to make Maria a 1, she would most likely say "get off my back" and the conversation would end there. Maria wins!

[@elgreco3015]

That's an evasion and avoidance technique on the problem. Insisting on picking a number from the scale in this type of situation may help the said person realise their problem.

[@gfxlab]

I hope the viewers realize that his example is simply a metaphor. People are irrational children that usually have ridiculous reasons as to why they don't do something rational like cleaning their room. For a child person to realize how irrational their behavior is, they have to first realize that it's irrational. That's where the beauty of Daniel Pink's ideas can help.

[@ErichHsu]

***** err.. wouldnt that mean she's not ready to clean at all? so she would be a 1.. i dont think its ready in terms of preparation.. its ready in terms of willingness to do the job now

[@elsiegross4364]

***** What Behindspace90 might mean is that maybe this hypothetical teenager realizes that her room is a mess and that the room should be cleaned, so she'll answer with an eight. But, on the other hand, she may also realize that cleaning her room right now won't have any immediate effects on her way of living. She can still sleep in it, and chances are that she knows where everything is located in her room. This may cause her to feel that even though her room should be neater she has no need to make it happen. There are other reasons that could cause a person to reply with an eight, but may not be fully ready, or, in other hypothetical situations such as getting a job, he or she might be incapable to do so. I see what Pink is trying to do here, and he probably realizes this as well, but what he's giving us a a grossly simplified situation and method for fixing it. I think this approach should be used as a gateway for properly communicating what is happening and begins a conversation on how it can be fixed.

[@ErichHsu]

i dont see how an objection to do the task is any different from being less ready..

[@dbztitan]

***** I don't think being "ready" correlates with "desire". A person may be ready for a new job, but they don't have a desire at that moment to get on the computer, update their resume, etc. A person may be ready to take a punch to the face, but they're not really looking forward to it.

[@ErichHsu]

probably shouldnt have used the word ready again... quoted from myself from an earlier comment.. "dont think its ready in terms of preparation.. its ready in terms of willingness to do the job now"

[@IHSchwingo]

If you want your daughter to clean her room, just invite her crush over. At that age, it is psychologically impossible for little girls to not be madly in love all the time.

[@youngrock5717]

This !

[@zeromailss]

that work for my lil sis,and its also work on boys and it doesnt have to be their crush or boyfriend but someone that could make em feel embarrassed

[@davidtan2122]

Awesome idea!

[@OldManOnTrak]

This!

[@hughjarce5014]

the reality: 'Maria, what can I do to get you from a 1 to, say, a 2?' 'Nothing.' 'JUST GO AND CLEAN YOUR FUCKING ROOM!'

[@KrohunGaming]

then you say " why ?" this isn't even rocket science your just an idiot

[@hughjarce5014]

who are you talking to?

[@KrohunGaming]

you? .... you posted the comment >

[@hughjarce5014]

well thank you for your insights. You've given me a lot to think about.

[@DaFred1990]

me: "Maria, on a scale from 1 to 10, how ready are you to clean your room?" Maria: "what? you think you're somekind of jedi, waving your hand around? I'm a Toydarian, mind tricks don't work on me, only money" *walks away crying*

[@CalicoWings]

+DaFred1990 yep, my daughter to...but also won't accept the money, because I cannot "buy her good behavior". nor apparently earn it...sigh teenagers

[@zeromailss]

LOL ,just use her weakness duh,get her boyfriend/friends to said that to her cuz for teenager their friends is their world,they usually listen more to their friend/circle than their parent or older people,they think that someone younger than them is a kid and someone older cant understand them,teenager are just a pain oh welp im one but people usually said that I dont act like one

[@Amblin80s]

DaFred1990 You are my hero... I have lived every year since 1999 quoting this at least once per year, always followed by dead silence, and an involuntary laugh on my end. Thank you for giving me new life.

[@jwilsonface]

DaFred1990 you won the comments with that reference LOL

[@Kube_Dog]

These mind tricks don't work. Kids are too smart or too stupid altogether. No one is falling for this dumb shit.

[@Lockirby2]

On a scale of one to ten, how much do you think these are the droids that you're looking for?

[@s3ntry948]

İ reversed the method. İ am making my parents clean my room. Thank you doc!

[@Truebinaural]

Rather than manipulating your children with these techniques, you could teach them values and ethics through rewards, love and providing positive role models.

[@Truebinaural]

They will for a leader they truly love, because their leader truly loves them. Or sweets.

[@Truebinaural]

Yeah, if in doubt, pull it out...

[@ZedF86]

You could only use this kind of sales pitch, assuming that you already had taught them values and ethics. Otherwise, they'd never find their own reasons for doing it.

[@Sporkabyte]

Or you could teach them valuable critical thinking skills that will be valuable later in life, like the one in this video.

[@BaseCu327]

This does teach people ethics. It teaches them the best ethical lesson of all: To form their own opinions and respect their own beliefs about their own issues. Simply because the way it goes about it is manipulative is irrelevant.

[@Sirmenonottwo]

I thought he was going to say "to persuade a reluctant prostitute" at 3:34. Cause you probably could.

[@bradboyd678]

Eli Kelley

[@bradboyd678]

Eli Kelley said the utilization of this month earned his first season with

[@TheGoodContent37]

I would have said zero... I'm a smart ass u_u

[@TheGoodContent37]

Raghav Balaraj I'm mexican and my father whooped my ass many times so hard that I ended up in hospitals from time to time when I tried to be funny. He also used to hit my little sister and my mom but I didn't find that funny at all. Till this day I remain joyful and creative making jokes of everything and using that in my work and nobody whoops me now :)

[@raghav4973]

***** calm the fuck down

[@Chebab-Chebab]

I would have explained what 'on a scale of 1-10' means.

[@TheGoodContent37]

Ilovemycamper That's not how a smartass works u_u

[@Chebab-Chebab]

Not that smart, then. A smartass would've said, 'I said 2 to give you some glimmer of hope' or, ' we're statistically designed to not be too extreme -those who go to extremes usually are just trying to provoke a reaction; I was just sparing you that.'

[@abonynge]

My daughter said 2, "Because it sounded better than 1." So now she is a 1. "What would make you a 2." "If you buy me a box of condoms and let me spend the day at the mall." I don't think this is going to work for me.

[@joshyyy8776]

+Troll in the Wall if you use condoms then you're fucked up?

[@Jencifer13]

joshy yy, no, but using a box of condoms and wasting an entire day in a consumerist/capitalist shithole as leverage as an adolescent negotiating with your father makes you not only fucked up but a shameless, nasty brat as well.

[@MartinThau]

You have to ask, in case of 1, "Why didn't you pick 0?" oder ". . . minus 2?" - If the answer is: "I didn't know there was the option to be negative" - you say: "Some people automatically become negative. Why didn't you say -2?"

[@Kube_Dog]

If she's a 1, you ask what can we do to make you a 2? The answer might be boob implants.

[@Adam-vp4oe]

What’s her number

[@EricAbbottTri]

I find I can use this on myself. It helps me talk through my own hesitations and mental roadblocks.

[@jamesthomas1244]

I'll try this on myself. Perhaps then, I will mow the lawn. Perhaps.

[@loogy123]

2:53 Maria's gonna say "I'm 15 I don't give a shit about any of this."

[@Urahara1001]

People are sheep. They'll go anywhere you want them to as long as they think they came up with the idea.

[@alexplode111]

So what are you?

[@LuisRodriguez-sl7cg]

You thought of that all by yourself?

[@RainbowDashCKDS]

Only works if the person is stupid. Otherwise he/she would realize he/she is being manipulated.

[@lindylopez3606]

+TwistedMind Not necessarily, most people are too self-conscious or in their own heads too much to realize what is going on. Plus everyone likes talking about themselves, which this technique forces them to do. If they are natural manipulators themselves as in they know exactly what to do to work others, which is really not all that common, then they would figure this technique out pretty quickly. That's like saying that the only people that get conned are the stupid ones, but then again... the stupid ones are not the ones with lots of money attached to their name. It's more of a matter of people not being able to control, or be in control of, their emotions rather than the lack of intelligence. And that's what a manipulator does, they intentionally prey on you through the stirred up emotions that they have caused.

[@RainbowDashCKDS]

Lindy Lopez Being able to figure out how to control others and yourself and look through social patterns is a part of high intelligence.

[@lindylopez3606]

High intelligence, I agree. Does it make everyone else stupid? No, not necessarily... just average.

[@RainbowDashCKDS]

Lindy Lopez Okay, yes, I'll go with average. Still, this method by far doesn't work on everyone.

[@yttis3257]

I see this as a simple tool to self realization. You aren't making them like you, you're making them look beyond their own subconscious defensive bias. You make them rethnk their reasoning with a more optimistic view.

[@everyoneSalegend]

Question no. 1 - out of all other names, why would you choose the name Maria for your daughter? Well, you pretty much lost that game already. You better grab the nearest bottle of fine booze and persuade yourself to leave that house asap, before she turns 15. Poor guy, not even Maria... but Maria Pink, damn! You better start packing, no goodbyes no nothing.

[@aorser]

So basically, you have to get them questioning their position, so that they'll create their own reasons for doing something. Essentially planting the idea in their head, making them think it was their idea. Or otherwise finding a suitable compromise that will get them to your point of view.

[@ThatGuy-ot9uv]

Yeah, my kid's smarter than Maria. Me: Johnny, on a scale from 1 to 10, how motivated are you to clean your room? Johnny: Zero Me: Doh!

[@RiverbrookTsodmi]

guys, just do what I do: Help your child to clean their room with you. Let them do 50% of the cleaning and demand from them that you did your part of helping and their have to do the other 50% because you work as a team and little by little as he/she grows up, you lessen your own chore of helping and try to explain that if he/she wants that you help him/her to clean his/her room they had to help you with your own chores, like washing dishes, cleaning other rooms etc. and explain that they have only to tidy up their own place for exchange that they don't have to assist you with your own tasks. this works.

[@RiverbrookTsodmi]

also as a bonus question to a Big Think, how good do you think your video affected me from 1 - 10 ?

[@patmoresco8691]

its their room make them do it. They get is dirty or disorganized it is their room they clean it.

[@lindylopez3606]

We learn about and use motivational interviewing in counseling as it's part of the client-centered type of counseling theories. We were never taught to be counter intuitive, and ask them why they didn't pick a lower number. We were always taught that, no matter the number, we should go up until they are eventually at a 10. Specializing in counseling people with addictions, you would think that the counter intuitive question would be an extremely useful (insightful) tool as they can be very resisting to open up or participate in counseling. Very interesting! Thank you! I love learning little human hacks like this :)

[@howardjuliewiley5629]

I had a similar technique in counseling. I'd always ask, "OK, you're at six. That makes sense. But, six doesn't seem to be working for you. What would it take to get to seven?" Same outcome right? It gets them thinking about what's not working and what would need to work for things to change.

[@skionen1781]

Basically it's reverse psychology

[@lindylopez3606]

+skione n Yep, very literally so. I left a comment (it's the most recent one) about how they do teach this technique to counselors because it is part of a counseling theory, but this is the first time that I have heard about going backwards on the scale instead of forward lol

[@youngrock5717]

It's not a bad technique, it will work when your circling around self Improvement on mutual grounds. The example you used would probably never get Maria to clean her room. A good example, maybe is when your reviewing recent performances of your ground workers and you have to address a drop in performance. Thats when this will work great because it promotes Synergy and team building. If you want Maria to keep her room clean, explain to her where you started in life and how much effort it took for you to buy this (house, mansion, flat etc) and it really pains you to see it in a mess. When you see the house it is a reflection of yourself, when you see her room its a reflection of her.But of course this will mean shit to her, so thats when you assertively explain if the room isn't tidy now going out money for 2 weeks. This is called mixing a future understanding with something they do understand haha. She'll appreciate this when she's older and living alone.

[@Roper122]

Fairly weak strategy... On a sale of 1 to 10, I give it a 1. What would make me change it to a 2? Nothing. Deal with that answer

[@malkorojba7068]

What made you choose 1?

[@Roper122]

@@malkorojba7068 You're right, I should've given it a Zero... but he doesn't give zero as an option. Which is precisely what his daughter would have said.

[@bobhopkins3520]

Lol - asking a teenager ‘why’ in my own experience almost always results in ‘I dunno…’

[@Kube_Dog]

Could you threaten to kick her ass and stop feeding her if she doesn't comply?

[@archstanton3022]

Summary: Use the Socratic method to stimulate and guide someone's thoughts.

[@60-second-HACKS]

Gee ... it's easy when you write both parts of the dialogue. I might try that.

[@esk_71]

How about...this is my house and you will respect it by cleaning your room. period. My parents never negotiated with me about doing my chores and my management doesn't negotiate with me about doing my job. How about teaching kids that everyone has responsibilities and there are consequences for failing to live up to them.

[@michaeljorfi3552]

You can quit your job though

[@dddmemaybe]

If my parents or anyone was like "Well, how can I we make you a two" I'd be all like "okay. so.. I don't want to be a two, and if you want me to do something. You're gunna have to do something, something that makes me want to do something." XD

[@LordMarcus]

Maria is your daughter, isn't she?

[@OmniphonProductions]

There's also a great method called Verbal Judo, which creates a conversational context in which people CHOOSE to do what you want but feel like THEY are in control of the decision. It was developed by Dr. George Thompson, who earned a PhD in Rhetoric & Persuasion (Yes, that's a real field of study) before becoming a police officer. He recognized that cops (and suspects) are safer...and community relations are far stronger... when physical confrontation can be minimized and/or avoided. While it was developed in this context, it has far broader applications, not the least of which is convincing one's children to clean up their messes.

[@rylog8]

What if Maria says "there's nothing you can do to make me a 2?" What if she's totally obstinate?

[@lindylopez3606]

+rylog8 You keep asking questions. "Why do you feel that way?" The "why" questions are not encouraged in conversation because it has an effect of making others feel very defensive. They are the questions to ask to "break them down" the fastest, though. That's also a cheating way of winning arguments... and I do not recommend it because it leads to a passive aggressive relationship of manipulation (aka abuse) rather than trust and safety. "Why?" *twist their words around and paraphrasing it to your advantage* "So, you're saying that ___."

[@NwahWAttitude]

I've been thrashing my head about trying to write a properly manipulative character for the past couple of days, and this popping up in my sub box is a goddamn miracle. This is the channel that just keeps on giving.

[@brettbarager9101]

OK. So I have been a therapist for 30 years. I have kids. My conversation with Junior was much more succinct: "Son, do you still need a ride to the movies tonight?" "Ya." "OK, son, what do you think the chances are that you will get that ride when your room looks like this?" "Guess I better clean it, eh?" "Ya!" Then I walked away.

[@60-second-HACKS]

Your talk here would be much more useful than Dan's.

[@Borednesss]

I'll see if this works on a woman

[@alexplode111]

You have to talk to the woman first...

[@melexdy]

Ah.. social psycology.. Isnt it so useful?

[@KrisBlueNZ]

Has this "trick" ever worked on any teenager?

[@zacharyp32]

If I was 15 and my parents asked me that I would just be like "wtf?"

[@alexplode111]

***** so 15 year olds discussing the logistics of acquiring MBAs...

[@Thepromiseinc]

People don't realize that questions are not just about getting the right answers but abstracting informations

[@antonstarikov8115]

When you start use your persuasion conciously you inevitably become responsible for it. Moral baserules come into play. Most people who use conciousnes are decent enough.

[@dawidblachowski]

What if Maria replies: "0"? :)

[@dailylucas]

The subject in the video is very interesting. I especially enjoyed your thoughts on different tricks you can use, which I also share on my own channel. The main idea of these tricks speaks to me and is something I talk about in my own videos. This video has been a valuable piece of content to me. Thank you for sharing.

[@ArthurMac15]

I managed to persuade my sister into doing the dishes when she never ever does them and I was super surprised that I was able to do so, and so easily. But now I'm here so I'll defo be able to do it again in the future 😁

[@zeromailss]

damn this is solid,he got a point and I can totally relate

[@cimmik]

One of the most interesting videos I've seen on Big Think! Can you think of any other ways to make people find their own reasons to do something?

[@Septiviumexe]

My kids just answer it with "ok, I'll do it later.". When later comes it is still messy......... :-(

[@newgoliard6059]

I'm laughing at this snowflake parenting........my dad was recon Marine........"pick up this shit before I get back"......floor got clean.

[@Cad3ncee]

I deal with irrationality on a daily basis, ironically not with a child but with my step father. I have dealt with it for the better part of a decade or so but I only acquired the ability to reliably differentiate between the rational and the irrational in the past 5 years. In my experience, being irrational is often a choice. I have witnessed and also been a culprit of willful irrationality for the sake of either convenience or an unwillingness to comply to something. In my stepfathers case he is unwilling to accept responsibility for his mistakes. Time and time again he will make assumptions instead of actually putting in the effort to find out what he wants to know and become angry as a result. Sometimes he is right but usually he is wrong and to date he has never admitted so and everyone else in the house has to deal with it. With children i couldn't imagine this being a particularly effective tactic, unless this was a common tactic that they had encountered before and knew how to respond i'd imagine that they would pick a low number at random and when asked why they picked said number and not a lower number, the famous 'I don't know' would probably come as a result.

[@meruem6995ujjoooo]

As someone who understands your problem if you tried and you have it's okay.

[@romarioeich5162]

Aside from the amazing comments here, I have to add that this is called Cognitive Dissonance and it's deeply studied by marketers and social psychologists.

[@pspicer777]

He is speaking to me!!!

[@fredericklehoux7160]

not very convinced here.

[@willliu6565]

Video topic: How to persuade others with the right questions Video content overview Video starts: The author presents a hypothetical scenario of how to persuade a teenage daughter to clean her room. Traditional methods: Bribery, threats, or persuasion, which may work in the short term, but are not the best choice. Motivational interviewing technique: Proposed by Mike Pantalon of Yale University, it stimulates intrinsic motivation by asking questions. Application of motivational interviewing technique Step 1: Ask a rating question. Ask your daughter: "Maria, from 1 to 10, 1 means not prepared at all, 10 means ready to do it now. How prepared are you to clean your room?" The daughter may give a lower score, such as 2. Step 2: Ask a counterintuitive question. Ask: "Maria, you are a 2. Why not a lower score?" This question forces the daughter to think about and express why she is not a 1. Daughter's answer: She may mention some reasons why she thinks she should clean her room, such as: At 15, she should be more self-disciplined. A cleaner room will make it easier for her to get to school on time. Her friends may be more willing to come to her house. Self-persuasion: In this way, the daughter began to find reasons for her own actions instead of being persuaded by others. Application scenarios Family: Parents can use this method to persuade their children. Work: It can be used to persuade bosses or colleagues. Sales: It can be used to persuade potential customers. Community: It can be used to persuade neighbors. The core of motivational interviewing techniques Self-persuasion: People are more inclined to believe their own reasons rather than the reasons of others. Behavior change: When people find reasons for their actions, they are more likely to stick to these behaviors. Summary Motivational interviewing techniques: Stimulate individuals' intrinsic motivations through questioning rather than simply commanding or persuading. Wide application: This method is not only applicable to families, but can also be applied to multiple scenarios such as work, sales, and communities. Key: As a persuader or motivator, your task is to reset the situation and reveal people's own reasons, because this is more effective.

[@ghozaleetachi]

When the conversation goes wrong Dad: On scale 1-10 where is your readiness? Maria: 12 Dad: Why you just sit there if youre 12? Maria: Because im 13 or 14? Dad: Why dont you pick a lower number? Maria: Okay, 12.9 Dad: Why dont you move then? Maria: Basically Im moving with earth to round the sun every year! Wait, I forgot I am a flat earth society member.. Dad: Why dont you clean your room? Maria: (sigh) Listen dad, on a scale 1-10, what is your readiness to do your job instead of standing there just wasting time with your children all day? Dad: 2 Maria: Why dont you pick a lower number? Dad: Ow shit

[@ralph4eva]

Maria what can I do to make it a 2? -- NOTHING, just go away and leave me alone. --But Maria, this internet guy told me that.. ----AHHHHH GO AWAAAAAY ---- Teenagers suck.

[@2mohammad]

Maria on a scale of 1-10 how likely are you to go out with me this Friday night. Please don’t hang up.. 😁🙏🏼.. 🤗. She Ugghhed and hung up. I have texted her saying it looks like you are probably a 2, why not a lower number? And now my texts are probably getting blocked. Thanks Pinkman.

[@algebraizt]

See sometimes you find that people haven't thought the logic through and it frustrates them. Socrates did this and we know what happened to him XD (they lynched him).

[@canodyn]

Bad example to use a 15 year old because Maria would just say, "Well, I'm a 2 and not a 1 because my Funko Pop toys are clean." Or she'll say, "I'm not a 1 because my room may be messy, but hey, Playstation looks clean!" She could even just say, "Dad, the number 2 sounds better than 1! Ha ha, Hi-five, Dad!" Then you, as the parent who just asked the scale question, will be standing there just feeling stupid for even trying to use logic on a 15 year old who is going through puberty and does not consider "how life could be better" but instead, looks at life at nearsighted, face value.

[@katotan7217]

Why is this video out of focus? How come the subject is underexposed and the background overexposed? Maybe you should motivate your "technical" crew.

[@BeardedBack]

As a child, I would not have tried to rationalize my reasons for not cleaning my room; I would have shrugged my shoulders, received a spanking, and then (maybe) clean my room.

[@DistortedV12]

Tried this on my sister and she first said "I'll let you know." Then, I got her to give me a 1 after which I asked "what can I do to change that number" and she replied: "you can't do anything." I'll just leave this stuff to you and your MBA friends.

[@bdf2718]

In similar circumstances, asked to answer 1 to 10, I'd have said 0. This is a bullshit technique because it assumes *some* degree of willingness to comply. But suppose I'd answered 2, not wanting to sound as totally unreasonable as I actually am (unlikely that I'd want to avoid sounding unreasonable, but let's pretend I did). Think that "why didn't you go lower" would work? Nope, because I'd have recognized it as an attempt to manipulate me. So I'd have thanked the person for the suggestion and changed my answer to 1. Or 0. I have learned to actively resist all attempts to manipulate me, because it is very, very, *very* rare that the person doing so is doing it for *my* benefit. It's for the other person's benefit, or they wouldn't be doing it. Tell me why it's to my benefit to do something and I might go along with it, but try to trick me into doing it and you can fuck right off and die.

[@OldManOnTrak]

Me: Why didn’t you pick a lower number? Daughter: I don’t know. Me: Dan, do you have kids???

[@CharlieRogers50]

"On a scale of 1 to 10..." Kid: "Are you serious right now? Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot, Dad!" *storms out*

[@Shannon-dn4ew]

Correction.... Mike Pantalon should not be credited for motivational interviewing. It is the brainchild of William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick. And in looking up Pantalon himself, I’m just a little disappointed to see a Yale graduate taking credit for some intellectual property that’s not even his. And he’s trying to profit from it.

[@KrisBendix]

Obi - From 1 to 10, how much these droids looks like those you are looking for? Trooper - Ehm... 10? Obi - Fck!

[@DenverChiropractor]

"Maybe you're right, I should be a zero......."or "maybe you're right, I'm negative 2 and you should clean my room for me!"

[@lewisdoherty7621]

Guaranteed way to divert the father's attention from discussing cleaning up the room: She should have said: "If I clean up my room, I could have boys here."

[@travislawrencemusic]

As a professional psych clinician working with problematic teens and as a father of 4 teens (not to mention a grown man with a wife, boss, coworkers, etc.) allow me to attest to the efficacy of Motivational Interviewing, with 1 tiny caveat: U have to have the upper hand (in both legitamate and intellectual authority). If u do not have the power or will to give or take away rewards and punishments, and if u r no smarter than the person u r trying to persuade, then Motivational Interviewing (MI) will b fairly ineffective. The whole idea is to get the other person to see what they want and don't want at the end of a chain of consequences. Usually, people don't consciously work through each step, so asking them questions about what steps there r and what power they have to achieve or avoid them is the objective of MI. And, as an authority figure, if u haven't made it clear what the consequences r with each step, good or bad, then the person u r trying to persuade may not even know the steps to the goal. So, b clear and b consistent with the consequences. Of course, use as many natural consequences as possible to save yourself the hassle of a lot of micro-managing. MI "can" work for people u have no legitimate authority over, but then u r relying more on your power of intellect over them. If u don't have much power over the person u r trying to persuade then look into using Cognitive Dissonance tactics (which can be used in MI as well, btw) and/or Game Theory.

[@gandewarahary7226]

Well this will maybe work once. After that the effect is gone. So the advise is rather useless and mostly an amateur piece of advice. I am sorry, but there is no quick fix. There are 3 reasons why kids in the western world do not keep their rooms tidy (one of these, or for some a combination of 2 or 3) : First of all, in our parts of the world children and youngsters have no personal discipline. The culture doesn't value it as important, neither among adults nor by kids. A lot of the east asian cultures are in this way far better developed, already from thousands of years ago. Hint, confucianism, taoism, Shaolin schooling, the physical and mental repeated patience and focus. Second, in the modern world there is a lot of technology for mostly entertainment purposes. This is a huge divertion, a disturbing factor. This puts the youngsters in a situation where the focus on tidyness and quality in school becomes 2nd priority, and their brains are messed up and dumbed down. The problem is not technology, but that the monetary systems require it to deliver mostly buyable rubbish for the government to tax afterhand. Third: There is probably also a change in how young people develop, due to the cause of evolution and the human brain's natural course of development. For example young people grow much later adult(mentally) than before. There can be 2 reasons: One ,that the life is less hard (your parents have a modern house and infrastructure doesnt require all kids to work hard for the survival of the farm), and second that as the human brain spends more and more percent of our total energy for the brain as the generations go by, we need a longer childhood to develop the brain's capacities. This also means a slower path into the logical tidyness of the classic adult. Another reason for a child's untidyness can of course be that the child has mental abnormalities. This can mean that the kid is very creative or smart, but that tidyness loses because of that. The opposite can also be seen: If the child is VERY tidy than this is often the result of a mental rigidity, and can be (at worst) a sign of cynicism or autism. Of course those characters also have high intelligence and should not be attempted conformed.

[@blackstonehamilton]

Yeah, sure. Anyone can have a theoretical argument with themselves in a well lit studio and win the argument every time. Let’s see someone actually put this advice into practice in the field. Kids aren’t that dumb. If the kid having a messy room is a chronic problem, how many times will this technique work until the kid sees through it? Probably pretty quickly I’m guessing. Just watch how quickly it’s actually the 5 year old kid begging for some candy at the liquor store who breaks down the parent first. 😆

[@chrislola6936]

so persuading someone isn't something somebody do to another (Daniel H. Pink),but they do it to themselves? just like a liar lies to somebody else...... aha, make so much sense.. just like somebody is manipulating someone else :D

[@virgilioblanco5374]

Another way of promoting weak parenting!!! A child looks out for a parents guide and protection from the time they begin getting around on hands and knees. "Persistence" in "corrections" establishes parental rule, a child that understands "home rules", will chose to live according to laws. "Education" is a parental duty, "formal instruction" is a societal construct, the former solidifies the latter. More often than not, producing an ethical productive citizen.

[@FinancialConsultdotcodotza]

Ask girl..on scale 1-10 how ready are you to kiss me..she..2...me...I'm not asking your scale of how you feel and look

[@aamershaikh9095]

Hi. I paused at 'if sh said sh was a 1' and tried to think of something I could tell her. This I what I came up with. Mariah when do think that's gonna change. Like things change right. Like the last week things weren't that we'll between you an your boyfriend. Duh not like I don't kno about it. But now it's better so it's changed right. So when do you think you'll be ready to do so.a week, month. A year or 3 more years.' May be she'll say give m a weeks time. Then 'you could have chosen a month. Or more than that. But why just a week. And she start scoming up with her own reasons like she did in the first instance .

[@TacticalTomFilms]

What if the person says "2" and when you ask them why not "1", and they say "because I'm not that lazy", or 'because I'm not that dumb', what would you say after in order to continue persuading them?

[@lifebuilding7292]

Nice. Thanks.

[@jayjay121111]

eh, I would have gotten the kid to answer the first question, and then my second question would be I'm a scale of 1-10, how mature do you believe you are?' the kid would obviously reply with a much larger number. I would then state the obvious that if you believe you are a 2 or a 1, then the answer to the 2nd question is incorrect, because you are not ready(mature). In order for the 2nd answer to be correct, the 1st answer much change and be demonstrated. Boom. That kid will always ask himself the 2nd question when faced with decisions.

[@isaiahdaniels5456]

I am 16, and as a kid from a family that doesn't speak anything near how this guy persuades his children, I disagree. I am speaking from my brothers' and sisters' perspective. If my mom were ever to ask me these questions, I would not be thinking about the response to the question, but rather why she was addressing these random questions like I'm some sort of idiot. She would not only repress my desire to clean my room, but also reveal a sign of vulnerability to the subject that could be took advantage of. I guess it only works for some.

[@mucura1]

Neighbor - " on a scale of 1-10 how fast can you take trash can back from the curb in a more timely manner? It looks rather unsightly" Me - "its none of your fucking business, you arrogant prick. When you start paying for my mortgage, then you get a say. "

[@austind393]

I just found gold. Not to sound arrogant but I was getting frustrated not finding new psychology techniques. Please give me recommendations

[@cecesugar]

ya, this is applicable if it's someone you know and you are trying to motivate them to do something that benefits them because it allows you to realize the part of them that wants to do it. BUT you would seem like a d-bag scamy salesman/woman if you actually asked a random person to 1-10 something lol - especially saying "how can we get you to a higher number"

[@darm779]

Or, when you ask her why she picked a number "2", she could pull the classic teenage lazy response of "I don't know" and then walk off.

[@welshpete12]

This approach to a daughter , just would not work . It is an intellectual approach, to someone who in the passed , has had everything done for them . A person that thinks in a emotional way and is just lazy !