Bill Burr - New Car Story

[@JosephO75]

when i drove a beat up 90s jeep cherokee, i was in a parking lot on my gps getting directions home when someone pulled in next to me, ooened their door into my car, looked at me, and just walked away. i couldnt believe it. my car was already beat up so i proceeded to violently open my car door into theirs over and over leaving a vertical dent. fuck anybody that does that.

[@IronHide3910]

You did right

[@PonyBoy1776]

I laughed way harder than i should've at this

[@nqinadlamini]

"White......" LOL

[@evanserickson]

Why can't you humbly say, "Hey I think you hit my car...." If they fight you on it, just take a photo of their license plate after they leave and call the cops and accuse them of hit and run. They hit your car.... did nothing... and then walked away. That is the definition of hit and run.

[@KelleyBroussardMackaig]

Cause this is Bill Burr we are talking about.

[@MrMethadrine]

you cant prove shit.

[@jordanbell4420]

@@MrMethadrine Take them to court. In criminal court, it has to be proven beyond all reasonable doubt. But in civil court, the evidence just has to be compelling. Did someone with a red car hit your car? Take a picture of that car next to yours, and take a picture of red paint left on your car. That should do the job.

[@sam93931]

thats no proof of anything, even less so if there is no damage.

[@IronHide3910]

Because of justice system sucks and even if show up to a police dept with all info including the person’s address, the police won’t do a damn thing

[@christophharriso653]

"Somebody's birthday fuckin party" best line ever

[@Rev1205]

there's a healthy amount of George Costanza psychosis in our dear Bill and I love it.

[@Das20232]

Haha I love George Costanza

[@HittokiriBatosai]

Perfect description

[@KK-bk3dm]

It's not psychosis ...you guys are just pussies.

[@KK-bk3dm]

...I mean seriously someone does that right in front of you as described by Bill and you wouldnt say anything then seriously you have issues ....really weak sauce. ...I mean seriously did yoy pussies get bullied in school??

[@caseym8179]

"Those black lives matter eyes" 😂😂

[@madnessinisolation]

"These fucking animals!" I love it when Good Ol' Billy Red Balls says that shit about people! He says it on F Is For Family too! LOL!

[@jackrex7817]

Fuck that. just get the plates, wait for them to drive away, report it as a hit and run.

[@madnessinisolation]

There's a Guy with brain, there you go! That's exactly what you do. I even like to smile at them at times, make'm feel all comfy and shit to were they think "Oh! It's gonna be alright!". HAHA but it's not, LMAO!

[@jeffmoppi]

so much gold in such a short clip

[@WintersWar]

That's wisdom Bill. Choose the battles ..only when it's life and death, otherwise, the hell with it.

[@777jimothy]

Lol Bill giving it the " oh I didn't know you shouldn't do that "

[@Villain161]

I always liked this advice from The Guest - "You go around their houses at night and burn them down with their families inside. What's the worst they can do ?"

[@devious187]

Damn, I actually did a spit take at the end there... Now I gotta wipe the coffee off my laptop, thanks Bill lol... That was just too fuckin funny! White! 😂😂😂😂😂

[@pavlovsworld9122]

That was the longest build up to the best punchlines of all time!

[@tiki5050]

This is why I park far from where everyone parks, then I just walk to my destination.

[@PhDTracyWalker]

This is the best story I ever heard in my. I would lose my shit. But your move was much smarter. I probably would get sued for beting someone up. Cant we just excha ge Insurance info and win that way. Or a door ding isnt enough damage? I listen to this podcast over and over. Replaying in my head.

[@elili8016]

That’s why you gotta pop their tires

[@adgato75]

3:17 - "Looks like a dinner roll" , this killed me cause I have no idea how you look at a car and think that. I don't get the jump from "Shitty car" to " Looks like a dinner roll" lol

[@KDogg119]

"Looking at me with those black lives matter eyes" lmfao

[@retroguitarmaster]

Buy a machete and get out of the car with it, somehow a machete scares people more than a gun, don't ask how i know that, anyway if you actually cut a limb of the person or behead him/her, its a gardening tool you had in your car and you used it for self-defense, completely legit

[@joey_ferrari24]

🤔🤔🤔🤔

[@lgnlint]

The last name checks out. This guy definitely has a machete near the driver's seat.

[@aaronburk8079]

Machetes only scare people if they don't own guns lol.

[@KPho150]

No, you should get one of those fireman red axe for your car, people really change their tone when they see that, if a cop see it then you just go "I've just got it from the store for my home", you'll be alright.

[@RsBahamasBoy1]

Ch0plol lmfao

[@shaunmorris8176]

Wish you had Patrice in your car when the lady hit your car. R.I.P

[@inshalmusic]

I laughed so hard when he said “white”.

[@Tupemo]

"white" AAHAHAHAH :DD :DD:D

[@PeteTheFatDog]

You have a phone Bill, you were checking the scores on it. Photograph the damage, photograph the car. Even a quick video. Phone up the insurance company and police, report a hit & run. Win/win.

[@ScaryGhost1]

jesus billy boy, gotta tell us what kind of new car you got! I wanna know!

[@UTO420]

I'm black, (just sayin') and those "black lives matter eyes" had me FUCKIN' DYIN! Holy shit, you're doin' God's work Bill!

[@Blackhemicameron]

@ 6:10 man I thought I was by myself with my anger? Finally I know there are other ppl like me

[@matts6551]

This is why I park 2 football fields away from where I want to go. 95,000 miles and not one door ding. If I ever was in the car when it happened I don't know what I'd do. Here's an idea though: take a picture of their license plate when they're present & say you can either pay me know once or pay your insurance company every month when your rates increase. Worth a shot.

[@HittokiriBatosai]

Hah, getting pulled over actually lifted his mood

[@LukeBrown6669]

Bill should have been born in the 40s-50s where physical fights were an acceptable way to settle an argument

[@gothivore277]

No, those times when a fight was acceptable to settle a dispute should have been carried into modern times, and you would never see this shit happen

[@bradfordjhart]

in my experience you just have to come to peace with it. or sometimes I will VERY politely try to have a civil conversation with them, it usually catches them off guard because they want you to be angry, which in a way makes me feel better

[@luclapierre7621]

Easy fix in BC. Snap pics on the spot, take down the other driver's plate number etc. File a claim, boom: repairs paid for (minutes deductible), other jackass gets a nice insurance rate hike. That'll teach em.

[@k4ir0s]

But you can't prove they hit your car with their car door? And if you file a claim isnt it like a 500$ deductible?

[@luclapierre7621]

@@k4ir0s depends how conclusive your pictures are

[@Eric-jb1ym]

That's why I buy used. Never upset if I get a ding.

[@seanmehegan3213]

Bill needs to put one of those magnetic GPS on his truck

[@klompsauce]

Fuck that, no guilt

[@danielanderson2030]

Just when I think i couldnt like bill more. He has a 68 f100. Ive got a 67 and a 70 as well as few others.

[@fabiopiscicelli]

LOL'd @ "fistbump/"white!"

[@Dang3rzon3]

Dude if you would have said, "white" with the fist bump that would be bad ass hilarious.

[@xeno942]

WHITE

[@utah133]

Bill sounds like me.. He watches the spending. Even though the dude is said to be worth $6 million plus. God bless im. He earned it. Stand-up is f-ing brutal.

[@nickdipaolofan5948]

With his wife, 6 mil will probably only last a few years. I'll bet every year his wife spends a little more than he makes so Bill knows he will never retire unless he is super frugal.

[@traceydeanrainey]

I had a 1964 F100

[@ARTSBYSON]

next time soomeone opens there door into my car im going to swing my door into their car at full force and see how they handle it

[@LogicAndReason2025]

Yup. First nice car I got, classic 1967 Mopar, just got it painted, pulled into a parking space. Big fat slob in an old 2 door land-barge (Oldsmobile Cutty Sark?), Jabba-the-huts out of the car, hitting the side of my car multiple times. The car and her outfit said no insurance, no money, probably owes a years back rent. I want to feel bad for her, but damn, this is my first nice car! F-in bitch! Now I park my new soulless Camry way out, as far from the pack as possible. Good exercise for my old heart, right?

[@chriskelly509]

My mom was in a designated parking spot and a guy hit her and then told her " you wernt here 5 min ago" and then the guy wanted to see her sales receipt to see what time she got here because she was parking because she was eating her lunch she got at Taco Bell. Man I would have told that guy off in a heartbeat

[@solidkingcobra]

"Black Lives Matter Eyes" ~ holy shiet... Billy Blue Balls.

[@easyamp123]

lolololol whhhite

[@jeffb6276]

4:13 me "...and screamed at the top of my lungs 'ITS A BRAND NEW FUCKING CAR!'" 4:19 ME "Awe" :/

[@drewmurdaugh424]

what you do bill is you put a banana in the tailpipe or wait until they walk in and then key the s*** out of their car

[@nickgarcia1292]

lol my car is aged but i love it. where i used to work these guys would hit my car with their door almost everytime i was on a break sitting there. those peoples reactions are awesome and i just laughed. my car isnt special tho..

[@TheSlammurai]

I don't understand why he didn't wait until she got in her car to then open HIS door and hit HER car. Then say "fuck you" when she started yelling at him.

[@shachede6828]

its was a new car! why should he damage his new car just to get back at someone

[@nickdipaolofan5948]

This is a main reason why I don't buy cars off the lot. I will buy cars that are at least a year old because you are not taking that huge hit of depreciation at the beginning AND you don't have to constantly stress about that first dent, scratch, or stain. Cars are very much meant to be used and are relatively disposable (most people only keep cars for 5 to 10 years tops) so why stress over your car like this?? I understand if you have a classic car from the 50's that is fully restored, but if you got a regular car (or even a luxury car that will NEVER be a collectible) why stress over your daily driver?

[@loui9526]

Bill bur is the next Joey Diaz

[@Subject__]

this is why you carry brake fluid. Just a tinny dab o do ya. RIGHT on their fuckin door

[@KK-bk3dm]

When they went into the store you should've kicked their fender in

[@paulyclos19]

He ends up driving.

[@GuitarsRgood7]

WHHHIIIITE

[@DAMIENloh1970]

He just added a few more reasons for hitting a woman...but you just don’t do it lol

[@Smegma007]

Yup. The only way is to be passively aggressive, and key their fucking car.

[@bondedforyou3621]

Bought a new truck had it for fifteen hours get side swiped leaving the store. Ruined my entire mood.

[@NIX5s]

Bill and everybody you either spit the biggest chunk on the handle or piss on it

[@mosely25]

That white blm joke was fucking funny lmao

[@AUSTRALIANMAGICIANS]

Cant completely empathise with Bill here, I have come back to noticed people learning all over my car as though it's a damn park bench.. some people have no respect for other peoples property.

[@benzlover55]

holy fuck you too? I've had the same problem, in the neighborhood I fucking live in!

[@AlexRasengan1337]

So why can't you empathise with him?

[@L1AML0]

Same here. People learning all over my car, with encyclopedias out and everything

[@kavalogue]

You can’t empathise with bills car being abused because your own car also gets abused? Women I swear to god

[@MrHow2fail]

7:58 AAAUGHHHHYHHH

[@Casnazer]

I'm lucky that I only get this angry playing video games online.

[@thomaschristopherwhite9043]

Dude get a fucking ice pick and take out 3 out 4 of their tires. There ain't no shame in doing that when they're not there either.

[@jakubstepien7090]

OMG just pissed myself laughingm.. Black Lives Matter eyes...

[@calvinrivera49]

Black lives matter eyes?! LMAO

[@redwolfmendoza]

Those parking lot dings on your car get my blood boiling. Or dumbass kids swinging their parents' car doors wide open, or shopping carts flying around into cars...

[@anthonyavila4027]

If the lovely Nia came out before they did I would have opened the window and keyed the car driving away .Now understand one thing it's not the right thing to do but its what those kind of people would definitely do to you so fuckem ,If you have a nice ride and you park way from everybody else those are the people that park next to you so they can accidentally on prepus fuck with your ride

[@afterzanzibar]

WHITE...!

[@JoseChavez-ct1db]

If there was a way that I could make legal to have a can opener blade runner around my car, I would. I think it's so annoying when people go out of their way to be a-holes. And you just wish you could beat them to within an inch of their lives, but you would be the one getting in trouble at the end of the day, so you can't. And this is what happens when parents don't beat good manners into their kids.

[@Nedula007]

Your wife gave you the "black lives matter" eye roll? Oooof.

[@Jmzz542]

HAHAHAHA white !

[@bobthompson4319]

my car isn't in the best shape but come on it doesn't need MORE dents. there lucky it wasn't my grandpas (my dad's dad) car he used to keep a rubber mallet in his car and would fuck there car up lol. he was an asshole.

[@lawsonone6015]

WHITE??? LOL

[@josephs3973]

I love how he struggles to say that he bought his wife a car, despite her having her own money, like the domesticated husband he is.

[@fallen8293]

Why would he said “white”? Any related to his wife?

[@jerrylee3887]

WHITE!!!!????

[@devinmichaelroberts9954]

Why the fuck do you live in California? thats what I wanna know this shit doesn't happen in most of the rest of the country.

[@romneymeredith6638]

I'd care but you're a Prius owner which immediately disqualifies you from any sympathy from me, regardless of the fact that it wasn't your Prius involved. As for what you could have done - open the car door and key their back bumper.