Billy Connolly - Ivan the terrible

A joke by Billy Connolly about a Russian wrestler called "Ivan the terrible"...
"There was a wrestler, and he was a Russian and he was called Ivan the Terrible. And everyone was terrified of him, because he had 2 famous holds: The half pretzel and the full pretzel. The half pretzel broke your back and the full pretzel killed you! So there was this trail of dead bodies all over Russia until nobody would fight him anymore it seems... Wait a minute (however they say that in Russian). And he joined the circus:
- A thousand pounds to anyone who will last 1 round with the dreaded Ivan the Terrible!!!
No takers. All quaking in their seat... Circus goes right across Europe. 'Oh, I'm not fighting that!' And one day the circus came to Glasgow. They set up the tent in Glasgow green:
- A thousand pounds to anyone who will last...
- I'LL DO IT!!!
- Do you know what you are doing sir?
- AYE!
- Who you're going to fight?
- I DON'T CARE! Give us the money now and save us all the trouble!
- Ivan the Terrible from the Steppes, never been beaten, 2 famous....
- I DON'T CARE!
Down the isle, the crowd are all chattin':
- EASY, EASY, INTO HIM, INTO HIM! GONE SHUGGIE! WE ARE THE CHAMPIOOONS!
- Easy boys it's alright! A doddle!
He's out there, like 3-4 stones with the glasses on. The big heavy boots with the steel toe caps.
- Oooh, it's a dooodle... Where is he anyway this bumstick?
The bloke says:
- Well be it on your own head sir... Give us Ivan the Terrible!
They let him out his neck and shove him through the curtains:
- Uaghuaua!
It's all hair and teeth...
- Uahaghgh
Bloke goes
- Wait a minute... Is that it? Oh alright, COME ON WELL!
- Ughuaugh
- Ah shut your mouth.
The boot right in the crotch, down he went squealing like a pig 'ooooh'
- Shhhuuut up.
The crowd are going mad:
- Into him, into him! EASY, EASY!
Wallop, Ivan is rolling about squealing like a pig. He's about to lapse into unconsciousness and he grabs the wee shaggy's leg 'Oh!'
- Wait a minute...
Starts to climb up:
- Ugghaugh
One arm over.
- Ugghaugh
'Oooh', says the crowd: The half pretzel. Another arm over. 'Ughaugh'
- Oh no!!
The full pretzel!! The two of the fall to the floor in a knot having a roll about, and you can hear:
- Ughaughugh
- Aaaah, oh noooo!
- Ughaughugh
And then BANG! Ivan comes spinning up hits the wall, slides down, unconscious! Crowd goes crazy:
- HELLOOOO! WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!
The reefer' getting interviewed:
- Tell me mister Shuggie, he says, you did... You did really desperately well there, can you tell the crow and myself how you managed it?
- That it was a doddle, know what I mean? He did this pretzel thing, I'm feelin' the flare like a big knot in there, i mean... All of the sudden I feel the life drain right out of me! Then I sees it right in front of me! A HUGE WILLY! I goes like that: Oh wait a minute! What I do I sink my teeth right INTO IT! And you know something... It's amazing the surge of strength you get when you bite your own willy, you know?!!!"

[@SheilaNeedham-ev4rd]

ANYTHING dear Billy produces/says lifts one's spirits and gets ye olde throat muscles going. Million thanks Billy - you are extra special.

[@margaretcollie2018]

Billy to my mind and millions of others is the funniest commedian ever. Didnt think would ever stop laughing at the Ivan joke. Keep on Bill you diamond of all men

[@annegeoffgullon8072]

Simply THE best punchline gag ever told. The pure beauty of the way Billy tells it is hat you can imagine EXACTLy the surge of strength you'd get were you ever to bite yer own willy.....

[@chriswelcome8102]

One of my old mans favourite jokes. He put a lot more of a twist on it, but I never knew where it came from. 15+ years later I finally know

[@sivedan]

One of my all time favorite bits by Billy, that and the prescription windscreen :)

[@aileenlightbody91]

Haven't heard this one for years. Brilliant!

[@jaapseiye2246]

i used to listen to this album when my mum and dad were out many many moons ago . Class indeed.

[@ch3rubrock]

been trying to find this for years...FANTASTIC

[@captainiant]

This has got to be the quintessential Billy joke seen him do this live also had it on an album never gets old.

[@lesleyking9428]

What a punch line !!! tears are now streaming down my face

[@Skraeling1000]

Classic unforgettable Connolly!

[@mrp3930]

doesn't matter how many times you've heard it, it still makes you laugh

[@jimmarshallman6300]

Ugghaugh ...... ROFL!

[@MegaDeansy]

I told this joke - almost word for word - over 30 years ago in a Dublin-pub (The Clontarf Castle) along with my mate and 2 girls we were seeing. When it got to that punch-line, the place erupted (I've quite a loud voice !!) as unknown to me, one-by-one the other customers had started listening in so thanks to Billy Connolly for making it seem like I was a very funny comedian like him for 5 minutes !!

[@fisherking7798]

Does the Clontarf Castle still have that crappy crapper?

[@johnfountain1084]

The comedian ever it cheers me up

[@MegaDeansy]

@@fisherking7798 Oof, 30 years ago it was a nice, clean place !

[@Woo5ter]

Saw him in Blackburn Lancashire 1973 still hilarious. "The album was Live at the Apollo Theater Glasgow"

[@genwoolfe]

I first heard this in the mid 80s and it was already old then :)

[@danmcleanish]

I remember this one well. I had the vinyl album. As Billy says a couple of seconds after the joke, “that’s a cracker…”

[@Primal_Primat3]

A wee gem, my fav!

[@paulregan6257]

this man is a comedy genious

[@olrusty2045]

fuckin hell, i thought i had seen all billy connolly stuff. so glad i found this. That punchline is a fuckin classic

[@squamish4244]

Ha ha did not see that coming at all!

[@arizaphale]

Couldn't agree more....this is how I first loved him :-D

[@lazylaurablue]

Possibly my favourite Connolly joke!♥️

[@djsting]

At the end of this, I laughed so hard I was in tears.

[@patrickporter6536]

Bloody marvellous!

[@DaveAlbiston]

This joke made me laugh tae tears.. (the first of sae many) all those years ago.. 👍🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿👏💫🍻😆😂

[@izzymadisetti2591]

heard this as a kid, loved it then, love it still

[@Euderos91]

+Izzy Madisetti Could you write it in English? Glasgow accent is hard to understand for me...

[@fifimsp]

+Wacław Pustołka Oh thank god! I was having issues too!

[@GalacticAstroparticles]

+Wacław Pustołka The transcript has been added to the description! Cheers!

[@fifimsp]

+orestisDisturbed Oh, thanks.

[@lyndsaycrawford]

The subtitles don’t always say the right thing! Half of them don’t even make sense lol.

[@jimhood1202]

Such a classic. I've retold this joke many many times (always crediting Billy of course since he's a guarantee of comic authenticity) It's been years since I heard his version and I was quite surprised how short it was. The switch in the punch line is the perfect crowd pleaser.

[@allansouthern7332]

BRILLIANT LOVE IT

[@NiahlM5991]

My dad had this on an LP along with the wellie song,

[@suasleat]

Wellies On!

[@peterohman8469]

I laughed so hard I thought that I was going to die.

[@ToshyFroDoc]

My intro to the big un!

[@theaccuser3747]

Santhosh Nadipuram the big YIN

[@chiroptera626]

*Passes out laughing*

[@paulstevens2671]

Classic.

[@beefsmusicchannel5404]

I think that is my favourite joke by the Big Yin, which is saying a lot because of the number of jokes i have heard him say that are seriously funny

[@thechimp1963]

I remember telling this joke in university... one of my favourite jokes 🤣

[@bosundave121]

The year was 1995, I think. Village Key area of Tortola, BVI. I lived in the islands from 1981 to 1996. A Scottish mate of mine told this joke a fair piece better than Billy did, if I say so. He did. I remember. Never forgot it the joke.

[@lindaellen808]

He is a shocker,but so,so funny.

[@TonyBananas101]

you can tell by his voice this is from the 70s

[@druss69harad61]

Billy

[@notthemetamtg4028]

Turn CC on

[@JLaw13]

Come once for the joke, come twice for the automated subtitles

[@zzllen]

Its on a LP

[@youtubeviewer7030]

tehres an altertntive version on his the pick of the billy connoly album

[@sherryhesner5940]

😊

[@Sutton_90]

Which cd is this from? Listened to it years ago an really want to listen to it again

[@mcalder69]

It's originally from the LP 'Get Right Intae Him'

[@usa-ca]

I’m so mad I don’t understand some of this brilliant man’s jokes because of his accent, but KZbin’s auto-translate makes up for it. Billy would laugh at his own jokes looking at the subtitles. Billy says ‘arsehole’, subtitle says ‘ahh soul’. Not sure who is better, Billy or AI? 😂

[@bxtl57]

Funniest geezer EVER!

[@boltonky]

Brilliant comedian and person...Laughter is great medicine. Some People say God doesn't exist, Shit would you ever leave home with the line up available upstairs hahaha

[@kevindoherty9325]

what a legend....😂

[@SuperGreatSphinx]

God Save The Tsar!

[@robertdoyle687]

MR SHUG 😂

[@Markus_Andrew]

Just thinking about being able to bite my own willy gave me a backache.

[@robinanddel]

No one like The Big Yin....

[@niteblaster1]

😂😂😂😂

[@yerfriendlyneighborhoodsco3337]

Everybody knows a good shuggies joke in Scotland lmfao

[@davidraman3477]

Ra Trubbell Shuggie

[@skypink5821]

Could someone put up subtitles....please

[@GalacticAstroparticles]

Click "Show More" on the info below the video. ;-)

[@GalacticAstroparticles]

Well, to be fair, it is a shame for people to miss out on the absolute comedy legend that is Billy Connolly simply because of the language/accent barrier...

[@GalacticAstroparticles]

Yet, here you are, talking to a Greek-Cypriot, who understands and enjoys this Glaswegian comedic genius. ;-) I agree, it's a particular type of humour that won't be understood by everyone, but Billy's world-wide audience and appeal means he can be enjoyed by non-locals too.

[@GalacticAstroparticles]

Thank you, and I do agree with what your point is about Billy's early days.

[@skypink5821]

Well I'm a Portuguese-Australian and thanks to your subtitles I'm now starting to understand Glaswegian a lot better. You rock WhosYourDaddyNow 😁

[@greenjedi8]

You don't speak very good Glaswegian. The wee guy isn't called Shaggy, he's called Shuggie.

[@GalacticAstroparticles]

I'm not from Scotland, so excuse my ignorance. I shall correct it at once!

[@greenjedi8]

Only people from Glasgow actually know exactly what he said. Even Scots not from Glasgow will not understand all of it :-)

[@twospiritbanjo]

greenjedi8 luckily I have an affinity for accents. Understood every bangin word, and I'm not Glaswegian 😂

[@druss69harad61]

Ma mate wis called Shaggy growin up,he speaks perfect Glaswegian.He said Shuggy.

[@druss69harad61]

Ps..like Shug in Still Game.

[@JanetEsq]

American here. I'm sure it is much funnier if you understand what he is saying.

[@fhh5257]

He's bad at this kind of stuff. Third-rate story, fourth-rate joke, if there is even any in there.

[@alanlucas1924]

Prick

[@oliviajanzkordell4491]

pain in the butt accent .... weak joke when you really think of it ! !

[@annegeoffgullon8072]

Good grief, which bridge did you crawl out from under? I guess Billy is a little gruff for a Troll from Noah's Dungheap, with a ppain in the arse attitude.

[@jaapseiye2246]

away an raffle yersel ya mug ye....

[@lyndsaycrawford]

Well that’s his accent so maybe you shouldn’t bother watching it! I’m Scottish come from the same place as BC & I’m so glad he got Scottish culture & humour out to the rest of the world on yer sel big yin!!

[@rssmdb1]

Go away Olivia you beige person

[@oliviajanzkordell4491]

@@annegeoffgullon8072 ... you just as weak then !