BPD & Men: The Elephant in the Room: Aaron Fornarino

[@IamKateIsabella]

My boyfriend meets all of the criteria of BPD and really suffers. Our relationship suffers too, of course. It’s very under diagnosed in men. Thank you for sharing.

[@c5quared626]

ive been to a few "professionals". all the signs were there, yet they never mentioned bpd, and turned me out.

[@YOURMOMCALLSME]

Try and find a way to ease into the conversation of him possibly seeking therapy or counseling if he'd be willing. I've suffered with it the majority of my life and didn't even really realize it until about a year ago. I met 8 of the 9 criteria and I guess they say you only have to meet 5 to technically qualify as having the disorder. But honestly, try and get him to seek help. Mines progressed to the point where I literally hate life itself, and only keep from committing suicide for the sake of not making my loved ones lives that much more of a nightmare. You don't want your boyfriend to reach that point, and it's a very real possibility. Good luck to you

[@Jay-kk3dv]

Usually men will get the narcissistic diagnosis instead of the BPD, or the Avoidant Personality disorder

[@jamessouter471]

Sorry, if it’s true but also someone’s partner or loved one can’t make a diagnosis as we/they’re always biased.

[@trishthedishluna]

Same my fiance

[@GrowWildOutdoors]

It's important to know that these disorders present in early childhood. This gives us an opportunity to improve early intervention & prevent abusive relationships from ever developing.

[@JeremiahRappel]

Except that you can’t diagnose a child with BPD. It’s also difficult when this disorder is both genetic and environmental. So if you have a BPD child they most likely come from a traumatic home life with abusive parents where seeking mental health resources may be difficult or impossible.

[@hughmungus415]

Not enough views thank you for posting this . As a male with bpd I have never got the support I need .

[@YusifRefae]

very courageous speech, I commend you on your healing journey. As someone who has struggled with family members with BPD and my own (non-BPD) mental health ongoingly, this inspired me a lot.

[@emmymichelle4021]

Aaron, your courage in sharing your journey with BPD is truly commendable. Your articulate expression has provided valuable insight into the male perspective of living with this condition. Thank you for contributing to a more understanding and supportive community.

[@daynelawless]

What an articulate speaker and rare beacon of hope Aaron is. Bravo.

[@churbigfella]

Thank you so much for being open Aaron. This is special.

[@Austin-lp4he]

This man is a complete mirror of me. Spot on with childhood and all the symptoms, too.

[@blueeuphoriaaa]

I was diagnosed at 30. My childhood was extremely similar to the gentleman speaking. Very interesting.

[@solipsist8sixteen]

Thank you so much for getting up there and sharing your experiences. It helps so many of us, just knowing we're not alone in this.

[@bah667]

Your a strong, good man. 3rd degree emotional burns.... Peace. 🙏

[@michaelallen1154]

@bah667 - great comparison... 3rd degree emotional burns. I like that.

[@alouise3557]

That's an incredible way to describe BPD.

[@chrissemenko628]

Can I steal that line for something I'm writing? I'll wait to hear back . Christi

[@tommyjoestallings855]

I just got diagnosed at 50 with this... i work i am on meds.. i have a beautiful beautiful woman who loves me and helps me. As i am suffering.. im scared. Seriously scared. I love here. I love my mom. I love my fur babies. I just wanna be normal. 😢.. I've been diagnosed social anxiety disorder I've been diagnosed bipolar I've been diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic I've been diagnose ADHD and I think I finally got diagnosed correctly and unfortunately psychiatrist I saw said it's the one mental illness that is more less untreatable by medication...thanks for the video

[@dylancrampton5620]

The good thing is while medication doesn't help, speech therapy has been known to be effective.

[@nealiecruz2532]

@@dylancrampton5620 That’s interesting How so?

[@msangie101183]

Look up Dialectical Behavioral Therapy :) I've read a multitude of medical reports that stated that after a year of DBT, a very large percentage of people with moderate to severe BPD (please look it up for yourself but I'm pretty sure it was up in the high 90%ile) show little to no symptoms of BPD anymore! It IS treatable. Well wishes for health for anyone suffering with this condition... I understand the effects and pain all too well. 🖤💜💚

[@dylancrampton5620]

@@nealiecruz2532 I've been doing the dialectical behavior therapy and it's been helping :)

[@queenieburgers50]

I do better on herbal medicine than pharmaceutical medicine. Other than taking something to help with mood swings and severity of depression, I need other herbs to help with anger and anxiety and insomnia. It helps me more than pharmaceutical medicine ever did. Therapy techniques help too, but it's been more beneficial to get those techniques from the internet and books. Too many therapists prey on pwbpd. I hate therapists. They're sicker than their clients. Hope you find ways to manage the symptoms. It's exhausting spending most of our days trying to control our emotions.

[@layne7679]

Lifechanging absolutely incredible to hear your story Aaron thank you!

[@aaronsc1936]

We need more information, more awareness, as a man it's hard accepting this problem but its harder if we don't have information. Thank you for your video, i like your name! 😂

[@jenniferszendi9519]

With his accent, when he would say “BPD”, I heard “Big pay day”! 😂 ( I live in the U.S.)

[@Zorobbabel]

Me too! I said "big pay day"? What does that have to do with BPD? 😂

[@andrewsmith3257]

​@@Zorobbabel us poor BPDs probably make less money than average 😂

[@megancarns8522]

(Clearly)

[@Jungian111]

Well if you didn’t have all your limbs you would, so how is this different? Oh because everyone has trauma and the really bad trauma is in the same basket as sociology trauma and there’s no money in that but there’s money in chemical labtomy

[@learntobake2023]

have BPD, ready for the Big Pay Day part!

[@amymartin6123]

You are a real blessing for other men struggling. ❤

[@Caroline-up8nl]

Wonderful talk thank you 🙏

[@Jar0Jess]

I'm a girl and I think I have never related more to someone's story ... I was diagnosed last year.. but developed it quite young..

[@Cjvhxv13hxz9i4dbc]

In men having this is really like living in hell

[@Jar0Jess]

@@Cjvhxv13hxz9i4dbc I can imagine so !!!

[@Jar0Jess]

@@Cjvhxv13hxz9i4dbc people tend to complain about people struggling with these things and have yet to try to think about what it's like for them being the one to experience it

[@Cjvhxv13hxz9i4dbc]

@@Jar0Jess I think the worst part in my case , was that women don't like emotionally unstable men . Even though I am good looking. Anyway, that has devastated me really bad , but this might just be me , because I had a terrible childhood/adolescense

[@Jar0Jess]

@nuh2ndbr466 I can relate to that A LOT. Often men discard women who are emotionally unstable as well and label them right off as the crazy ex.

[@Jungian111]

I think the question should be how to process trauma but that means society in all its infallible glory goes into question

[@js1741]

Oh, capitalism. Is anything NOT your fault?

[@nickjnickj1]

Well said! Thank you!

[@doobiedoo5455]

My ex husband has this....I hope his latest lady can help him. It was his abuse which finished me off. I stopped loving him

[@heyugoofball5681]

I know this was tough for you & many others, but I'd still like to say "THANK YOU, FOR SHARING THIS!!" (same to all on / not on here, that have or are trying to push forward &/or are taking a rest & possibly trying to figure out what to do next)!! 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗♥️BEAR♥️HUGS♥️🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 LOVE, BLESSINGS, HOPE, COMFORT, HEALING, UNDERSTANDING, PEACEFUL MINDS & PRAYERS FOR EVERYONE, ALWAYS!!!! ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🌈🌈❇️❇️❇️❇️❇️

[@carlorizzo827]

Aaron!! Great👍! The disparity between how the sexes experience BPD is mystifying. It is said women have quick access to emotions, while men have access to anger, other emotions get detoured under anger, which paradoxically camouflages the BPD. Your folks did something right, you have a wider emotional access, making BPD overt. Emotions of any kind are stigmatized for men. I'm a little envious you can have an occassional drink. For me total abstinence is the only way. Besides 12 Steps, i was lucky w/therapists. What a crapshoot! Minimizing symptoms as "attention getting" is stunningly naive, a form of blaming the victim. It really is all a spectrum, hunh?

[@The186thFloor]

I am a man and was diagnosed with this at 37. I still have no idea what it is.

[@wheredidugo6739]

There are so many great resourses online. I can point you in the right direction if you like?

[@lindsay3793]

You never took initiative to find out and work on it?

[@alphaleo7025]

​@lindsay3793 it's not as easy as you may imagine

[@A10011]

I recommend checking out Daniel Mackler on this topic.

[@goblinsRule]

His videos are eye opening and real life changing for me.

[@charmee4045]

Sounds like what I just went through for 5 years. Now I know why he drank and still does.

[@PortraitoftheArtistasanOldDog8]

Diagnosed bpd at Glenside but no follow up care or knowledge in the State....

[@lizericsonn9367]

I jus had to run from the man I love, whos aspd mother has him enmeshed and he is ASD and meets all the criteria for BPD as well and the mother flipped him, he split me and physically attacked me. We were half an hour from getting him away, we had the shrink lined up and dbt ready, and she lied to him and triggered his rage right before we were meant to leave to come back to my home and I lost him. He is in so much pain and it hurts so much to leave him there when his brain is screaming, but I am the devil now, hes split me completely, and I think I wont see him again.

[@alouise3557]

This is terrible. Did you ever get diagnosed with anything yourself? Have you seen or heard from him since?

[@tracysilves7366]

I think my partner suffers from this. His ups and downs are extreme and give me emotional whiplash. An example would be - 3 weeks ago we had one of the most connected weeks of our 4 year relationship. I hadn't seen him for nearly a week, due to me having my kids (we live separately) and I was so much looking forward to seeing him. He invited us over and I sensed his cold energy immediately. I could feel how it was affecting me physiologically. My heart broke because I knew this meant hours of interrogations, lectures, shaming, disbelief, etc. The worst part? When I bring up how hard it is to return to this mood shift when we've had such a good time the previous week and he tells me the reason I felt so connected was because he pretended that everything was okay, when it wasn't. So the connection was fake, I guess. But all of this negativity. That's absolutely real according to him. After these episodes, he usually drops his communication drastically, sometimes leaving town for a few days, working on gigs. Of course this leaves me deeply unsettled. I can't take much more of it.

[@tracysilves7366]

I should mention that during his lows (and sometimes even extreme highs) he interrogates me and critiques me relentlessly. I feel eyeballed, which leaves me walking on eggshells. He gets suspicious and low key accuses me of evasiveness or that I'm flat out hiding something. He won't let it go. I don't know what to do or say, because I'm not hiding anything. In fact, I used to hide bad habits (vaping, occasional drinking) because I knew he would make it an issue. With his concept that we need to be 100% honest with each other, no matter how tough the conversation, I told him everything. It wasn't enough. And he still shames me for vaping, and accused me of a deep betrayal when I came home (to my home) drunk. I very rarely get drunk and I agreed that if I've been drinking, I won't go around him because he doesn't like it. The thing is, he stalks me when he gets one of his "feelings" and that night was no exception. He pulled up when I walked up to my gate and interrogated me. I wasn't nice about telling him to go home but eventually he did (10pm) He returned to my house at 3am and interrogated and lectured me until I had to go to work the next day at noon.

[@SootSootSootSooty]

You need to leave. Unless he accepts he has a mental illness and seeks immediate help, I promise you, nothing will change, it will only get worse. It will be hard, but you need to leave the relationship.

[@SootSootSootSooty]

@@tracysilves7366 untreated, it’s likely he’ll end up cheating on you and dump you with no notice AND be horrible about it and uncaring. Read the patterns on places like Quora. Untreated, they really can’t help themselves, nor will they listen to you or change.

[@veryimportantperson3657]

what a sweetheart.

[@emmarae4322]

The worst part is loving someone who pushes you way for loving them while you struggle with not wanting to be pushed away and you'd never hurt them.😢

[@Stopnormalizingviolence]

Why stay with someone who actively pushes you away? "...and you'd never hurt them." What might not seem hurtful to you, might feel very hurtful to another. People often do hurt one another, intentionally or not.

[@alouise3557]

​@@Stopnormalizingviolence "why stay with someone who actively pushes you away..." You are free to study personality disorders on your own. Don't make people who are hurt deeply by others have to explain themselves to you. Especially under a BPD VIDEO.

[@Stopnormalizingviolence]

@alouise3557 You misunderstood basicly everything I said. Don't put words in my mouth. You're free to keep studying also.

[@alouise3557]

@@Stopnormalizingviolence Again I reiterate: Why are you patronizing or trying to make someone feel like an idiot by saying, "Why stay with someone who pushes you away?" There's nothing to misunderstand.

[@Stopnormalizingviolence]

@alouise3557 It's interesting that you feel the need to insist I'm patronizing anyone here. That's your very distorted perception. I've been in several abusive relationships myself, in which I stayed way too long out of convenience and fear, so think what you will, but I believe empowering ourselves with the choices to make better decisions and eventually be able to walk away from someone when they're negatively affecting our own mental health is extremely important. Staying with abusers is harmful, regardless if they have any diagnosed mental illness or not. Demonizing and making sweeping generalizations about those with specific mental disorders is just plain ignorant.

[@YukiPix379]

Men's mental health month. ... In shadows deep, where silence grows, A quiet pain that no one knows, Men’s hearts are heavy, filled with plight, A battle fought in darkest night. The strength to hide, the tears they shed, A silent scream within their head, Society’s mask, a brave facade, Conceals the wounds, the soul left scarred. Yet in this month, a light does shine, A call to voice, to break the line, It’s not a weakness, nor a shame, To seek the help, to name the pain. In unity, we find the way, To lift the weight, to heal, to say, It’s okay to fall, to feel, to cry, For in this truth, our spirits fly. The burden carried, deep inside, The fear and shame that men must hide, Unspoken words, emotions caged, In silent wars, their hearts enraged. To break the chains, to end the fight, To seek the dawn, to find the light, Is not defeat, but courage found, In seeking help, true strength unbound. A brother’s hand, a friend’s embrace, Can lift the gloom, can change the pace, No man alone, no soul adrift, Together strong, our spirits lift. In sharing woes, in open talk, We pave the way, we walk the walk, For every heart deserves to heal, To find the peace, to truly feel. So let this month remind us all, To heed the quiet, hidden call, Men’s mental health, a cause to fight, To bring their struggles into light. In unity, let’s stand as one, To lift the veil, to greet the sun, For every man, a hope, a chance, To join life’s vibrant, healing dance. Let’s break the silence, break the mold, For stories shared are stories told, And in this sharing, strength is found, In open hearts, on common ground. So here’s to men, in strength and grace, To seeking help, to finding place, For mental health, a right, a need, In every heart, a planted seed. May this month ignite a spark, To guide the way, to light the dark, For every man, a journey starts, In healing minds and mending hearts. Author Stephen Lee Brownfield Copyright © 2024 Stephen Lee Brownfield, All rights reserved.

[@adrianaloborec2205]

Based on my experience with BPD men, I'd say one of the reasons they are so under-diagnosed is that some of the symptoms - outbursts of anger, controlling and demanding behavior, self centeredness, promiscuity, lack of empathy - is considered more acceptable for men, if not even admired and rewarded sometimes.

[@solipsist8sixteen]

Based on my experience as a man with BPD, some symptoms like not being able to control or cope with overwhelming feelings of despair, feeling unrepairable, hopelessly broken-hearted and unlovable or bursting into tears every day for months on end... are considered much less acceptable for men and just pile more feelings of shame onto a man who is barely hanging on. Just the act of asking for help/seeking therapy, as a man, feels much less acceptable to many of us. Personally, my outbursts of anger were one of the symptoms that those around me found the most "unacceptable." They certainly weren't admired and the only reward I ever received for that was the undeniable fact that nobody wanted to be ANYWHERE near me any more.

[@jibberism9910]

Nope, not at all. This is something the smallest females keep telling themselves and each other, so they can excuse their own willful misbehaviour. Clearly, most of you are better versed in quantummechanics than in the reality of men.

[@alouise3557]

​@@solipsist8sixteen this is an off question, but did you ever start fights with girlfriends so you could take off for the weekend and have fun? I read that this is a thing. ChatGPT actually described it as an example of men with bpd. Basically, going off in a rage and then choosing to go off and drink for the weekend to have fun and seek validation elsewhere.

[@solipsist8sixteen]

@@alouise3557 No, I never had a girlfriend with whom I tried to pick fights with for any reason. I've always been more of the "people-pleaser" type who seeks to end arguments and find equilibrium. If I am with a woman, I want to be with her. I want her to laugh and be happy. I've never really enjoyed the effects of alcohol, so perhaps that has saved me from participating or indulging in drama like that. My childhood had enough drama to last me 4 lifetimes.

[@alouise3557]

@@solipsist8sixteen what would trigger your outbursts of anger? Also... Can I ask what age bracket you're in?

[@PortraitoftheArtistasanOldDog8]

Note women partners are a man's rock whilst men partners are women's (ab)users...Shine anyone...

[@Rawyalty220]

Misandrist

[@dr.florence]

Unfortunately, many speakers such as the one above take little responsibility for their behaviour. Instead of giving advice on how others should treat them, it would be welcome to see someone with BPD acknowledge that the bombs lie in them, and you could be a butterfly fluttering softly on the minefield of their emotions, and they'll go off, and accuse you of being an insensitive piece of shit. Been there done that. After 6 years and the most insane abuse and rollercoaster, I as a partner have yet again reached the point of resignation. Meeting a person with BPD who actually commits to regulating themselves is like finding a needle in a haystack. And I don't blame them, because it goes against all and everything that their frayed nerves and raw emotional system tells them. For people who already have BPD, damage-control is the main concern. Other than that, parents are the ones to be held responisible for screwing up their children that bad.

[@drama85007]

As a therapist in a relationship with an abusive man with BPD, I agree. The anger I feel towards his family is more than I feel towards him.

[@alphaleo7025]

as a man with BPD I found this video seeking guidance on how to get better so it may not be specifically targeted towards victims of pwBPD and former partners, there's plenty of content elsewhere on youtube for that, however, you're completely true on your estimations of us and 6 years is a long ass time phew idk how u are alive 😅

[@starsthedog]

​@@drama85007why are the parents normally to blame?

[@aaronfornarino9228]

You don't know anything about me or the responsibility I've taken. Interestingly, your negativity really sheds light on how so-called professionals think they assist people with this issue. The amount of negative burnt out partner comments I see and I get it to a degree but not everything to do with BPD is based on poor relationships, in fact I spoke very litte about personal relationships in this video so your commentary is amusing. I'm sorry you went through a horrible relationship with a person who had BPD, but to talk about responsibility? Have you ever made mistakes in your own relationship and claimed ownership? I think it's a deficit in most relationships and not specifically to do with BPD....interestingly you want to see someone with BPD blame themselves, little sick don't you think?

[@STLjadie]

Accountability clearly seems near to impossible for most with BPD.

[@PortraitoftheArtistasanOldDog8]

Aaron you'd be hearng Introjects not "voices" Please aquaint yourself with Vaknin's work particularly if you are a self elected spokesperson...btw gender is irrelevant...

[@aaronfornarino9228]

Yes gender is irrelevant when male suicide dominates. Okay.

[@js1741]

The recent research says gender is highly relevant.