Brandon's Cult Movie Reviews: DEATH MACHINES

Buy this movie via Amazon: amzn.to/2xK8yDs
Think kung-fu assassin groups can't be inclusive? The 1976 martial arts flick "Death Machines" proves that theory wrong!
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[@KingJin726]

The Atari in heat line is genius lol. I almost died laughing.

[@RoninCatholic]

It's not cheating! That's his special move - down, diagonal forward, forward, punch = pull out a pistol and shoot the guy.

[@rosswatkins7998]

Wolf Fang Gun!

[@buzbom1]

"The Chicago way" kzbin.info/www/bejne/aITGp3SAfJpkjJY

[@nightshadeii9248]

😂😂😂😂

[@runvalddarkstone5517]

its down quarter turn forward to backward then low, mid and heav punch > it's an ending move after all.

[@robertnewman4105]

"Where do we go from here?" "Back to the Death Machines plot would be nice!"

[@jackcoleman5955]

Maybe this is where Nolan got the idea for Inception?? Plot within a plot?

[@MinscFromBaldursGate92]

@@jackcoleman5955 cue Zimmerman's BWOOOM sound.

[@Diggy22]

Fun fact: "White" Death Machine, aka Ron Marchini, is a former karate competitor who went up against Chuck Norris and (get this) almost won. Chuck allegedly said that Marchini was one of the hardest hitting opponents he ever faced

[@ivanelgharbi5861]

I knew that one seems familiar, by the way their movies are hilarious.

[@michaelccozens]

He's also a horrible, horrible, horrible actor. He's in a movie called "Karate Cop" with a cameo by David Carradine, and the moment when Dave shows up feels like falling head-first into an oasis after a month in the desert.

[@marccolten9801]

Norris wasn’t unbeatable. I saw an interview where he told of having to drive back from a competition because all his students won trophies and he won nothing.

[@darkcoeficient]

@@marccolten9801 you win some you lose some

[@Andy_Sidaris]

@@michaelccozens We all saw RLM too

[@Gryff_actual]

LOL. My father was an extra in Death Machines. He was one of the cops in the office when white assassin escapes.

[@HiperPivociarz]

Jim Griffiths That's amazing heritage you've got there!

[@Kornknealious]

Jim; can I have your autograph??

[@Omega0850]

Thomas, if you get his autograph, can i have your autograph?

[@konodioda3854]

Jim Griffiths white *death machine

[@Thekhajjah]

Was captain green a white guy in blackface? Just wondering after that zoomed in shot

[@jliller]

I'm surprised The Death Machines (White Death Machine, Black Death Machine, and Asian Death Machine) hasn't been an indy wrestling gimmick.

[@ChrissieBear]

The "triple nunchucks" is a real martial arts weapon called a sansetsukon.

[@djay6651]

Or a three section staff

[@quasipsychedelicepiphany.]

Or a ass whooping stick with chains

[@milkncookie]

We just call it a discounted stick.

[@PongoXBongo]

@@milkncookie/videos A refurbished bo staff.

[@Mr3DLC]

Or that one weapon from suikoden 5 :)

[@lipstickzombie4981]

So in essence it's an evil genderswapped version of Charlies Angels?

[@HiperPivociarz]

Lipstick Zombie Carol's Devils?

[@guilhermecagao3910]

+CookieMastah ....??????????????????

[@lazarus9165]

Who are also on drugs

[@demizson576]

- "Good day, Ms. Big-hair! Hello, Death Machines!" - "Hello, Mr. Muttonchops McGillicutty!" :)

[@danialyousaf6456]

Still better than the Kristen Stewart version.

[@GIANTKAIJU]

Like old Atari 2600 games, the cover of the product is way cooler than the actual content inside.

[@andrewgwilliam4831]

Kaiju Kid It's as if the poster and opening credits were designed for a different film, but were sent to the wrong production company!

[@sigmacademy]

Blatant false advertising. XD

[@KarstensCreationsKC]

But UNLIKE Atari 2600 games, watching the sad reality does NOT inspire your imagination...unless you are imagining turning the movie off in the near future.

[@franciscoandrada412]

@@KarstensCreationsKC to be fair if you're playing videogames it's because you want to chill for a bit and get lost into another world, not make it up yourself

[@dkamphaus43]

That was the case with a lot of vhs covers you saw in the video store back in the 80s and 90s.

[@superby1]

The "Is it a nice motel?" Gag killed me 😂😂😂

[@jakomioftherose2434]

13:31 I don't know why but the "Psyche!" along with the explosion made burst out laughing.

[@kaylabrownell1268]

Ditto lmao

[@Pugiron]

A plaid suit int he 70's just meant you had a suit in the 70's that didn't come from a funeral parlor.

[@mitchelltheawesome1]

I can't get over how awful that guy's fake Italian accent is at 5:51 "Wait until you taste a duh sauce."

[@dallasdandigitalproduction393]

Soundtrack- John Carpenter during his heroin phase lol

[@Kornknealious]

Or it more likely was Mrs. O'leary's 7th grade music class.

[@rebellionsspark128]

That soundtrack. The 80s traveled back in time to do this.

[@bentramer682]

No that's definitely from the 70's

[@BigDaddyRome]

That soundtrack borderlines pretty heavy toward the Brown note something fierce

[@kirtfulcher6288]

Best line: "The Death Machines are my favorite extras from the Beastie Boys' video for 'Sabotage!'"

[@Avigorus]

With that title card... I can't help but see the actual movie as an insulting ripoff... I mean seriously, they aren't even cyborgs or anything!

[@andrewgwilliam4831]

Who invites a girl to a bar to drink coffee?!

[@varanid9]

My God!!

[@LibraGamesUnlimited]

He invented the coffee bar. :)

[@leviroch]

Right? Caffeine has never really been an aphrodisiac of mine. . .

[@itmademesignup9508]

A topless bar, at that.

[@pirateraider1708]

A guy who remembered too late that he couldn't hold his liquor and even 1 or 2 beers could make him pass out drunk.

[@norncare1]

Wait, what the hell? I went into this review expecting a B-Movie about huge machines that crush people like in the poster! What is THIS?! Unacceptable. Movie, change for my standards or be DETESTED!

[@pedrokatcradle]

I keep forgetting, I've watched this. 5 times already but it seems likes it's new everytime.

[@Pensive_Scarlet]

Things we need in future cult film parodies: The film is named after the borderline super powered henchmen, and it actually delivers on this selling point by centering the narrative around them. Modern day setting, but everyone is dressed in perfectly accurate 70s garb, including appropriate exaggerated cultural flair. The official genre pitched in all marketing will be "Stereotyploitation". One of the non-main henchmen is evangelized and actually repents and turns to THE LORD only to leave the diner and immediately be crushed by a falling piano. Rich Evans plays a drunk Ethan Suplee with an open denim shirt that calls a bodybuilder "Tarz'n" while flirting with him and trying to hold his hand. Running gag with people getting thrown into very neatly stacked towers of product placement, with the final punchline being someone getting thrown into a huge Lego set that explodes toward a huge house of cards that flies apart with the back of one CGI card landing on the camera with the brand logo on it for several seconds. Multiple crop duster briefcase trades, each with an explosive climax. One plane will be used for all of it, then filmed exploding in a single scene that will be "creatively" re-used at the end of each trade. Several of those sequences that subvert martial arts with sudden unceremonious long range weaponry, but with a gimmick where the first one uses a slingshot then each one after uses a slightly more destructive weapon, until the last boss is shot in the liver from orbit by a very precise laser satellite. Made with 100% earnestness. I really want to make or help make one of these some day. >.>

[@ArkaSaurusRex218]

That was what me and my friend planned to do, but we're in university, so we don't have the time for that. Gags we thought off: Terminator dude that's hired to hunt the hero, but he keeps getting defeated, saying I'll be back!, and then coming back with a bigger gun. Then in the final he get's splashed with some water and just explodes. Martial art like villain that gets shot at the end anti-climatically. And making the hero the exact same actor as the main villain, so that in the final battle, it looks like h's fighting himself, cause we got no money to hire actually university actors.

[@forickgrimaldus8301]

Not to mention this can function as a prequel to Hitman, I mean ridiculous Hits like man falling off building in front of thousands of people with nobody seeing them, random explosion kills target, even the killing other Hitmen part is very Hitman.

[@cwgodzilla]

Damnit Brandon, I just finished watching "Get Mean", and now you already have another review up? And on my day off, no less?! How dare you make my day enjoyable!

[@dallasdandigitalproduction393]

Ay Ay Ay! We dont take kindly to movies bein' 'Njoyable 'round here ! :P

[@wanderslostify]

I kind of love the soundtrack.

[@GreenLanternPrime01]

Dave Chapelle's "SIKE!" Gets me every time LOL

[@jeremygregorio7472]

I'm holding out for the Death Machines Cinematic Universe.

[@iapetusmccool]

The "throwing a guy out the building and into a stack of cans" scene - did they think for a moment that they were filming a 3d movie?

[@bucminster9172]

The soundtrack sounded like something out of the "Land of the Lost" TV show.

[@RightURKen7]

Wait, just wait... Afternoon Delight wasn't on the jukebox?

[@KarstensCreationsKC]

"...under the control of a drug that makes them mindlessly obey orders." So app players making in game purchases. Got it. Also, Clayton Forrester was also the scientist's name in George Pal's War of the Worlds...

[@brianoconnell6459]

@12:20: "He hates these cans!"

[@M.A.S.K._Crusader]

TITLE DROP!! Love hearing Brandon say that.

[@skrag2112]

2:30 Hey, it worked for Indiana Jones.

[@goufr3540]

I believe his style is Gun-Jitsu.

[@kilssj2250]

11:05 - Yeah you could say that. You could also say that these "Bikers" are indeed Bikers in the same sense that Miniature Golf is still "Golf" ... hehe xD

[@beckoning-chasm]

The Death Machines title music is used in many Mill Creek box sets--"Sci-Fi Invasion," for example, which includes it as a stellar example of a sci-fi invasion movie.

[@alandhopewell]

Hey, I own a copy of SCI-FI INVASION, show some respect!

[@beckoning-chasm]

@@alandhopewell Oh, I--I'm so sorry...I...I didn't know..how could I have? My condolences...actually, I own the damned thing too...

[@adamlobbins2657]

I am convinced that is Tim Allen with the gun.

[@dallasdandigitalproduction393]

"I didnt sell 3 Toyota Corollas to NOT bust a nut tonight!" rotfl

[@nickkurtz512]

13:30 Is so perfectly timed I busted out laughing

[@marconotonfacebook3480]

The guy was shot in the back and the head and "seems to be sick"....let's release him....WTF?!

[@dekai7992]

That soundtrack is the most amazing thing! I love it!

[@minnion2871]

3:37 Wait Used Car Salesman? HOLY CRAP They were sent to take out Cobra Commander.... (Who was a Used Car Salesman before starting Cobra)

[@georgeowain]

So, who is supposed to be the protagonist. I've not seen the film and the guy with the severed hand didn't convince me that he was.

[@Jolar70]

Ew..."White Death Machine" does NOT look like Tarzan (unless you're talking about Johnny Weissmuller's last film). He looks like one beer away from moobs. He also looks strangely 80's for a mid-70's movie! The soundtrack also feels pretty 80's so, maybe in its own way, "Death Machines" was WAY ahead of its time!

[@GeekFilter]

Yay! Glad you mentioned MST3K's movie choices!

[@johncrocker4209]

I've built filling cabinets. Steel or wood. No way does that hold you in the face of death.

[@michaelccozens]

Maybe he was using it to store his collection of lead and depleted uranium.

[@Diamhea]

17:56 LOL, look at the guy trying to get out through the door in the back. He's like dancing

[@MrAlumni72]

Gotta say - I laughed harder at this video than I have in a while. Keep em coming, Brandon!! And at 17:59 - what the hell are those two guys trying to do with the door?

[@andrewgwilliam4831]

MrAlumni72 Hah! I didn't notice that originally.

[@guilhermecagao3910]

GOKU

[@LibraGamesUnlimited]

I think they're meant to be trying to open it or pound on it for someone outside to open it or something but that is just a guess, they do it so badly. :)

[@menslady125eif2590]

I think this movie's soundtrack had serious intestinal problems.

[@RichardWatt]

And Gaviscon hadn't been invented yet.

[@monotonesessions5917]

I swear this channel is way too underated. Found it a few weeks back and cant get enough. Reminds me of AVGN. Keep up the good work Brandon. Cracks me up

[@thechadman69]

That soundtrack sounds about like my ass does after a day of hotdogs and beer

[@williamcrowe2576]

Thanks for the review, Brandon. This movie was included in boxed set from Mill Creek, and I couldn't make head or tail out of it.

[@kevindavis5966]

You totally missed a chance to drop a "the Jerk" reference with the oil cans. "This guy really hates these cans!!"

[@PURPLE_SHADE_SMOOTHIE]

LOL. Brandon your commentaries are the best. Thanks!!!! Please continue creating content. I’m so afraid of the day I run out of unseen content from you.

[@johntowner1893]

07:13 I swear the Asian death machine accidentally puts the sword straight through the dry wall.. They cut the shot so it’s just off-screen, and it ends before it’s obvious it’s now stuck above his head. Also one of them does a pathetic job of jumping through the window and just kind of hangs there in the harness after smashing the window glass.

[@kingwithoutakingdom]

You should review the 1980 film Alligator. Just saw it last night and I wasn't expecting much but it surprised me, so I definitely recommend it.

[@theactionmoviemaniac8516]

One of those movies I have vivid and fond memories of. I'm afraid to revisit it because i don't want that ruined.

[@VideoCop]

ive been wanting to see alligator 1 and 2 for so long. I dont think it got an OFFICIAL proper U.S. DVD release either.

[@johngilchrist7136]

He did

[@leviroch]

Most 70s/80s/90s horror movies can be found on youtube (so far ive found it to be the BEST place for all your practical effects needs), so chances are its on here somewhere. . . And due to the recommendations i might have a gander, love me some nature horror (we need more killer plant movies. . . Day of the triffids, the ruins and little shop of horror arent enough. . .

[@q-bert6454]

I’m still waiting on the sequel

[@vipermad358]

That little hop "White Death Machine" does at 12:50 shows he means business!

[@garyjust.johnson1436]

Always, always, always stay for the stinger at the end of the review, in case stan lee makes a cameo appearance to drop a few easter eggs for the next MCU movie.

[@Hawkwing4567]

"Will you just kick this guy's ass already?" 11:51 - Wish granted. XD

[@Kornknealious]

I desperately need this soundtrack! BTW. this is my all time favorite bad movie of all time.

[@mikeq725]

I don't even know where to start man. Your jokes are on point. You had me rolling the whole way through. Job well done, thanks for the laughs. Love your channel

[@dinobreeder]

hey Brandon, love your reviews. could you please review either Varan the unbelievable or Monster from a prehistoric planet

[@northernzeus768]

Now that was one a Spicy meatballa

[@Isendure]

10:57 Hey look it's Rich Evans in his non diabetes youth. How rare.

[@bamb0ostick]

Isendure So glad I wasn't the only one who thought that!

[@maxbrandt6]

LOL good call!

[@MisterBrimm]

I got this!!!!

[@DiarraHarris]

The guy getting killed in the phone booth reminds me of the phone booth kill in "Friday Foster" I can't decide which one looks more ridiculous.

[@andrewgwilliam4831]

Diarra Harris As if it wasn't ridiculous enough, when they do the close-up of him screaming as it's bearing down on him, he's actually still facing the wrong way!

[@genesismultiverse4896]

*2:24* fun fact 2007 jyuken sentai gekiranger ( what power rangers jungle fury (underrated season) was based on) has a gattai (megazord) that has a three nunchuck staff that is made of three tails of the animal spirits (watch the show to understand)

[@andrewgwilliam4831]

Finally got around to watching this movie. How the hell does it only have 3.8 on IMDb? It's stupid, but it's entertaining; although it's not quite as zippy for the second half. Definitely worth watching for some silly fun.

[@alandhopewell]

This showed up regularly on MOVIE 5 back when the tv listing would just say, "1 am: Movie." A great buzz flick.

[@tylerskiss]

"they hate the cans! stay away from the cans!!"

[@glitchesandglitter]

hey your out-joking the host!

[@dustinethridge7084]

Cyril "He hates these cans!" XD

[@morphman86]

Awww, here I was hoping it would be a sequel, where they would be fighting an army of death machines, before squaring off against a Quad Cyborg Queen Dourif Hybrid Googleplex Processor.

[@NicholasBrakespear]

I like how bad movies are never just bad; somehow, their badness makes them really surreal, and go in really unexpected directions. I mean, you'd think that the whole "white death machine gets shot in the head but survives" thing would lead to him snapping out of his craziness and having to fight the other two. But no. That would assume there's a story. Apparently he just... goes back to being incompetent with the other two. Because there is no story. Only some things that happen for no reason.

[@Hinch2011]

A Stacy Keach reference ... Reason #196 why I subscribe to this channel. 🤣

[@davieuacho]

PLEASE REVIEW LASERBLAST (1978)

[@10GaugeManiac]

4:35 He was going to shoot Bill Murray...'s older clone!

[@timeliebe]

"Did everybody in the Seventies dress like a late-night infomercial?" Actually, what they're wearing here is better than a lot of us dressed in the Seventies! At least nobody's shown up in a polyester leisure suit with a Quiana shirt and a Jafro-all THREE of which I had in the Seventies!

[@raymxslappedyall1891]

was that old man chasing him like "young man you forgot these pamphlets! "?

[@cesly87]

I've missed this for 6 years of my life!

[@50goingon15]

😂😂😂😂oh man you have me laughing out loud when I have to be quiet not to wake my wife! 😂😂😂

[@douglasphillips5870]

Put a beat on that musical score and you'd have dub step

[@areyousureyouenteredyourna85]

5/10 Not enough disorienting wubs.

[@jamesmc04]

What *was* that at 14:49 ? Did he teleport from one place to another ?

[@sigmacademy]

04:00. Wow. Agent 47 really let himself go in his later years, heh? ;) :P XD

[@williamrobinson7568]

Cool Review. Does anyone know who does the soundtrack?

[@judsongaiden9878]

2:19 Technically, that's called a sansetsukon (or three-section staff). As you might imagine, it's one of the more difficult weapons to master. 17:10 The Asian one is the only one who's sensibly dressed. I mean come on! A brown tie with a brown shirt? A loud bow tie with a plaid sport coat? And why do they call them "sport coats" anyway? What candyass sport would you play while wearing one? The black guy would be sensibly dressed if he simply took off that lame bow tie.

[@vxy357]

That spaghetti made me wanna puke. Also, you forgot to mention the BLOODLESS slashings and stabbings of the karate students.

[@charlesbullghost5491]

The mangler with Robert England very great movie I would recommend. There's also a sequel to movie to.

[@toddthechimeralinguist]

5:41 I immediately thought of Super Mario but, when Brandon mentioned Ron Jeremy, I thought of Lou Albano who looks sorta-kinda similar to Jeremy. Now, my Cognitive Web has Linked Ron Jeremy to Super Mario through Lou Albano. Thanks, Brandon. 🙄

[@lieutenantyoshi5704]

He even put on his best table cloth for the occasion. XD

[@fenriz218]

To give credit where credit is due: when White Deathmachine, Ron Marchini, was still a professional fighter, he beat the crap out of Chuck Norris and Norris claimed, that he still felt the punch to his sternum month later. No small feat, considering that Norris is technically indestructable. Also, he would go on to rip off Chuck's "Missing in Action"-flicks with his own "Commander Rainbow" and the epos of his career, "Ninja Warriors", which may well beat "Death Machines", when it comes to thrashy goodness, served in a can! From what I understand, he then became a realtor...

[@chriscraven9335]

7:23: Tubbs? No no, dude looks more like Nordberg

[@Slamraptor]

Epic soundtrack xD

[@RabbiKolakowski]

the main character in George Pal's War of the Worlds is Dr. Clayton Forrester

[@carlwilkerson9722]

Yes.

[@skylx0812]

I just remembered what Della Reese said to Ann Miller in that episode of The Love Boat, "...before I get a hammer and break your hair!" Miller had a jet black lacquered stiff do similar to the one the Asian Joan Crawford in that movie had.

[@bobadontfrett1889]

great review brandon looks like a laugh

[@michaeldublg]

Hey Brandon. Michael from Phoenix Arizona. Another good review thumbs up.

[@ArkaSaurusRex218]

The Manchurian Canidate, but it's metal and so bad that it's actually good.

[@zKAMI-]

at,13:30.i.cant,remember,what,that,sound,is,from

[@davidhaynes6789]

How what to see Lawnmower Man???

[@droth1031]

They stole the soundtrack from a 70s SciFi Movie With A Depressing Plot Twist Ending

[@OlagGan]

05:45 - Bloody hell it's the Italian version of Doctor Moe from Storage Wars Texas

[@salvagemonster3612]

So where is the giant Obelisk with teeth eating Micheal York and Joseph Cotton?