Brandon's Cult Movie Reviews: THINGS

[@greatlakesent4831]

I talked to Amber Lynn recently about Things. She said she remembers she was feature dancing at a Toronto club when she was asked to do the film. She said everyone was really nice, the budget was microscopic, and she did read her lines from cue cards because they didn't have a script.

[@redjed100]

Yeah, the budget was microscopic, all right, but the incompetence on display is still pretty staggering. “Things” was apparently made for $30,000, but the original “Paranormal Activity,” despite costing three times less, looks more professionally put together. (Not by much at times, admittedly, but at least it conveyed everything it needed to in the moment.)

[@jaymartin8273]

Plus, "Paranormal Activity" was INTENDED to look like something that was shot on home video. THIS? I'm not sure :=)

[@Clock_70]

😮😮😮😮😮😮

[@barryjgillis]

She was approached by Barry J. Gillis. (that would be me) I offered $1000 USD to her agent/boyfriend that night. (at the strip club). Her agent/boyfriend turned down the offer... A couple of days later or whatever it was, I offered $2500 USD for an hour of her time over the phone... (The boyfriend/agent gave me his business card) It was accepted... There was only one problem, we didn't have the money, lol... However, I convinced Mel Lieberman, (Distributor) to put up the money, for Amber, and he did... The rest is history... Amber's Scenes were added after the fact. I wrote all of the lines she had to say, and she read the lines off of the cue cards... :)

[@barryjgillis]

@@redjed100 A fair amount of money was spent buying and shooting on film, and getting the film developed... Unlike today, there was no internet, and no KZbin Filmmaking Tutorials etc, etc... Thousands of dollars were also paid to get the creatures made, to hire Amber Lynn, to rent a camera, and lighting for 2 months, and it goes on and on, including the film to 3/4 Video Transfer, buying 3/4 inch machines to Edit the Movie, etc, etc. When you are learning as you go, and never went to Film School, or know very little about Filmmaking, the result is THINGS (1989). These days almost anybody with the desire to make a Movie, can shoot a Movie on peanuts, (and even shoot on their cell phone if they have no money) and watch a tonne of KZbin Filmmaking Tutorials, etc, etc, and not have to deal with Shooting on Film, which is expensive as f*ck, and also difficult to deal with... I am quite proud of THINGS (1989)... Shooting THINGS was my Film School... There are those who love THINGS, and those who hate it... THINGS has quite the Cult Following of Fans as well... Decades and decades later, it continues to be reviewed, and talked about... People have THINGS Parties, and on and on... I do agree with you, the incompetence on display is staggering, lol...

[@SomeOrangeCat]

Things was so bad, it completely reset the criteria of which I judge bad movies.

[@MinscFromBaldursGate92]

''This movie is canadian as fuck!'' -Brandon

[@dsandoval9396]

NGL, I'm interested in watching this movie ...with friends. Which I don't have. 😢

[@ScoobyDenis]

man, I thought this movie was gonna be a John Carpenter Sequel about Kurt Russell fighting off multiple alien creatures in the south pole.

[@adiraiju9336]

Well, this still beats the 2011 "The Thing"... OK, no, it really doesn't, that movie was flawed, but not this level of abysmal.

[@barackclinton568]

Christopher Maslak you should look up a free online story by Peter Watts, another 'nuck, called. ''The Things''.

[@ScoobyDenis]

Barack Clinton is it worth while or "so bad it's good"?

[@barackclinton568]

Christopher Maslak oh it's. Excellent. It's from the thing's. POV and it is.not what you'd expect. It's worth reading. It's a short story and it's the movie from the thing's pov.

[@JamesMC04]

I would watch that movie. It needs to exist. And it could be made to lead into other man-to-monster series.

[@darkfangnightcrow]

I never thought I'd think Amber Lynn reading the news would be the best part of a movie.

[@jamesmitchell5126]

I love how the friend gets killed and disappears to randomly show back up like nothing as happened

[@FireAngel741]

Dear lord just watching the clips of this movie is painful, I don’t know how you made it through the whole thing

[@Fulgrim2]

Same here, I had to take a break and this was the review only!

[@Thealgorithmhassummonedme]

@Richard Honaker Yup. A six pack of Natty Ice is what I recommend. Its cheap. Just like this piece of shit celluloid.

[@marcilenepereiradasilvabor7936]

I tink of If They have movies in medieval times they gota use this movie instead of torture

[@luannet.4470]

You forgot to put a comma after lord, and to the capitalize the "L." I'm pretty sure His answer would be "Prayer."

[@sebastianmaggart3878]

lots of beer and weed

[@MagnaRyuuDesigns]

HA I love that Amber Lynn is obviously reading her lines off of cue cards to her right :D

[@Thealgorithmhassummonedme]

Yeah and they had to have some guy with a horse dong do a helicopter next to the cue card just to get her attention.

[@JeffreyPiatt]

I assume they just paid her in the extra coke budget.

[@snatchadams69]

Amber Lynn can read?

[@marccolten9801]

@@snatchadams69 She knows her right from her left?

[@barryjgillis]

What was your first clue??? LMFAO

[@Darkfreed0m]

The monster's soundeffect is ripped straight from The Thing when the contaminated bloodsample jumps up.

[@johntumahab323]

They needed Amber Lynn's random news reports to keep the audience interested in SOMETHING.

[@leviroch]

John Tumahab why is she wearing so much then lol, i could go absailing off of those shoulderpads

[@WillieManga]

Well, interested in two things, if you know what I mean. XD

[@smeltikozuyesmelti]

I'm amazed by how many times I thought the dubbing was Brandon just screwing around, but wasn't... Also, cue o.O cards can be o.O noticeable o.O when you o.O stare at O.O o.O them. Keep up the good work man. I love your reviews.

[@BarbadosBeerFestival]

Amber Lynn use in this movie is honestly the biggest example of not using your talent on a production correctly.

[@The_Nametag]

Oh my god, the look on her face while she's reading the line "exposing the human brain to ultraviolet light..." just screams "well, it's not the DUMBEST thing I've ever said for a script."

[@michaelk8860]

This is possibly one of the most horrendous and excruciating "movies" I've ever seen. I give you credit for suffering through this for our enjoyment.

[@BobHershey]

Hell, Brandon should have gotten combat pay to sit through this.

[@Horrorfreak106]

Oh god THIS movie....I'm so sorry you went through this...

[@gigglesthecat7216]

there is a movie that might contend for worst movie. it is a slasher/monster movie about a wise-cracking turkey murdering people called thankskilling. but idk of i counts as a classic since it from 2008

[@TheJabbate1]

@@gigglesthecat7216 I believe that movie was suppose to be bad. Believe it or not there's an audience for b-movies with over the top themed killers. There's a killer snowman movie (Jack Frost (1997)), a killer gingerbread man movie (The Gingerdeadman), and a killer Santa Claus movie (Santa's Slay). They are meant to be silly fun and not to be taken seriously.

[@cantsay8894]

“Fuck you I sat through Things”. Every review has a laugh out loud moment.

[@V9incent]

I've seen Things now has a different sound to it.

[@BobHershey]

@@V9incent Too bad it didn't have a different movie to it.

[@johnnieazmo7503]

Brandon, you are a Canadian mountie trooper for having to watch this for us. We salute you with maple syrup on toasted berry waffles.

[@wyldshot666]

I think I can speak for everyone. Thank you BRANDON for your sacrifice to keep all of us fans entertained. Your courage and unselfishness WILL NOT be forgotten. I salute you! 🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦

[@M.A.S.K._Crusader]

Christ! This movie makes Battlefield Earth look like a masterpiece. I didnt think I was going to able to get to the end of this review.

[@victorhernandez8723]

It makes *Birdemic* look like a masterpiece!

[@SwiftNimblefoot]

Btw, as a D&D nerd I think I know what happened... they opened a portal to the Astral plane, and got invaded by Neogi who released their spawn everwhere. I mean those things do look like Neogi.

[@mls160]

Swift Nimblefoot now that you point it out, you're not wrong, straight up neogi young

[@dragonlordthekingofdragons6373]

It does

[@TyrantRex22]

God damnit, where's my battle axe!?

[@yourtimetraveleralara]

Yeah

[@Razorgeist]

Wow its as if the McKenzie brothers tried to make a horror movie using the change they got from recycling their old beer cans.

[@BobHershey]

That is probably the most accurate summary of "Things" I have ever seen!

[@gibsonraymonda]

You’re being a bit too generous with the word “tried.” I’d say the Polonia brothers tried with Feeders. Nukie tried. Dark Carnival tried. Manos even tried. This wasn’t up to half-assed in effort. This movie has contempt for paying full attention and earnestly trying at any point. Both sides of the screen.

[@Daydreamer_3322]

I feel the pain, Brandon. This was an endurance test on GeekJuice awhile back

[@VenomousJoker9097]

Iliana Gonzalez May I ask what is GeekJucie

[@Daydreamer_3322]

Its another media website, mostly specializes on live movie riffs. Check out geekjuicemedia.com if you're still interested

[@mls160]

I watched this 20 years ago as a child. I was dumbfounded since the same day I had watched Alien and jc's The Thing. Until this review I thought it was just my imagination. But it is real, IT'S REAL!

[@ajerqureshi6411]

Fun fact, when I was watching the Mano episode of MST3K on Netflix, I yelled at the TV simultaneously with Joel "DO SOMETHING!"

[@mrsuns10]

I’ve had moments like this in real life

[@EquesTron]

4:51 Oh god, that made me laugh till I could barely breathe.

[@kaonproductions6937]

EquesTron oh crap you watch this guy too 😀

[@baranguirus]

Like the guy at 16:01? ;)

[@allenpoe17]

The DVD cover is far more interesting than this movie will ever be.

[@SAPProd]

You should make Joel’s “DO SOMETHING!! GAH!!” from Manos a recurring gag. It’s perfect.

[@jessbragg1]

4:30 a molestache- damn that was funny as hell and totally accurate- nice one!

[@j.b.booker7912]

I thought Canadas national meal was kraft dinner, chicken fingers and a bag of milk.

[@ameekasoar]

Forgot the poutine

[@francoisuntel6238]

damn right la poutine! rien de meilleur.

[@j.b.booker7912]

Boutain Montair!!!!! Kidding. I was gonna add poutine but the joke wouldve gone on too long. I only added chicken fingers as a Ricky reference. Lets just all eat chicken fingers and get drunk as fuck.

[@j.b.booker7912]

francois untel / there truly is nothing that beats gravy fries and cheese. We are brothers in this.

[@j.b.booker7912]

Really the only people outside of canada that make poutine a big deal are here in Maine. They act like its an exotic food.

[@lordinquisitor6233]

Just when I was getting bored, now I’m just confused

[@ScoobyDenis]

same here

[@varanid9]

Sounds good.

[@lordinquisitor6233]

Tiago Pereira dos Santos Silva making me wish I had a dog

[@Horrormaster13]

Lord Inquisitor Wightman Yep

[@ThePartySourceReviews]

This is not a movie, or is an endurance TEST! I'm sure the Genova Convention would have spoken out against it as a form of torture. Had it been around then.

[@Duckman1616]

I crack up every time he does the Canadian accent.

[@miguelporras2515]

my new favorite line..."I'm just trying to e-e-e-e-ease the tension"

[@PURPLE_SHADE_SMOOTHIE]

This for me was the best review. I laughed my non-Canadian ass off. Thank you Brandon!

[@bartholomewfargo]

I have watched this movie so many times. It's starting to make sense. Only takes about 45-50 sittings to get the basics of it down.

[@TheLegionOfTheDamned.]

bartholomewfargo Its still a better love story than Twilight 😊

[@bartholomewfargo]

Steven Brooks Makes more sense than "Cats."

[@mls160]

45-50? How did you not die from brain damage

[@bartholomewfargo]

It helps to have it more as background noise than actively paying attention to it. One of the Things that the Red Letter Media guys said about it is that much like The Ring, once you've see Things you need to show it to someone else. It then becomes the experience of watching someone else struggling to put the pieces together.

[@Fulgrim2]

Damn that’s a lot of Canadian accent, raise the shields!

[@mosshivenetwork117]

I have my virginity shield but that's for something else.

[@Thealgorithmhassummonedme]

@@mosshivenetwork117 I thought about making a snarky comment. But I looked up the channel and appreciated the self effacing humour. So I hope you're having a good day.

[@mosshivenetwork117]

+Todd Starlin what channel?

[@Thealgorithmhassummonedme]

@@mosshivenetwork117 Yours.

[@mosshivenetwork117]

+Todd Starlin oh ok have a good day.

[@TheRealNormanBates]

4:22 we finally get to hear Brendon’s real voice! _Noice!_

[@nathan_the_barbarian7974]

Just saw rifftrax covered this so coming back for a refresher. Man, this one looks like it’s gonna be rough to sit through!

[@sprybug]

THIS IS THE MOVIE! This is the movie that Lowtax showed about 5 minutes of recently before one of his gaming garbage streams. I asked what it was in his chat and never got an answer. THANK YOU BRANDON! He always shows really obscure crappy stuff before playing crappy games. XD

[@midwestmonster9886]

"Hey. So, like, are we making a horror movie here or what, bud?" "Hold on. I think I left the fuckin' lens cap on, eh?" 🤣🤣🤣

[@edhc44]

To be fair, Amber Lynn's report on George Romero is probably the most interesting Thing that happens in this movie

[@thronezwei4412]

Well, I guess the prequel to Stranger Things needed improvement.

[@yourtimetraveleralara]

Yeah

[@dutchzen5309]

If this takes place in Sacramento, where I was raised, they accurately portrayed the boredom.

[@stephenpmurphy591]

It's weeks of constant tully fog.

[@thepaulwalkerexperience8727]

To get an idea of the production values of this movie, just go to 12:48 and look at Brandon's expression.

[@funkyd3321]

This seems like a movie Brad Jones should have covered.

[@Tareltonlives]

More Shot on Shitteo!

[@PaladinDusty]

All Brad Jones does anymore are current films and what I can only think to call Christsploitation.

[@KRhetor]

@@PaladinDusty He's gotten seriously boring of late, punching down at Hallmark movies and porno parodies.

[@ninjabluefyre3815]

No, nobody should have to review ths film. That requires watching it.

[@ZetaRosen]

This channel should have so many more subscribers!!! It's so great! ❤😊

[@benjaminjacob3151]

Definitely one of your funniest reviews I've watched

[@timfunk2036]

I have the DVD of this, love that you found and reviewed it.

[@NarcolepticProphet]

Hilarious video, been goin through all Brandons videos and I'm dying. Also the Friday the 13th whisper jingle that plays is "Kill kill kill, Ma ma ma" As in Jason telling his mother to kill in the film.

[@jamesbates9479]

Awesome bro, love the vids and your humor is fuckin spot on!!

[@magua9563]

Thank you for torturing yourself to bring me entertainment. XD Because of your channel I finally dove into old cheesy monster movies and B films, thanks for getting me into that. Keep up the great work.

[@juanitabesig6488]

We just found your channel we love it and love these types of movies. We’ve spent a couple weeks catching up on a lot of them. As for this movie I just wanted to say, bless your kind sarcastic heart for sitting through this so we don’t have to!!! YIKES!!!

[@fishman5440]

I can't believe you watched this, let alone found it on DVD. I rented it on VHS from the town movie rental place/furniture store. I too am from Sask. Up at a "brook" near Prince Albert. I watched "Things" in 1991 and even then it was an endurance test. Thanks for bringing back nightmares of the devil woman from the basement. lol If you want a test of a P.O.C. movie nearly as awful as "Things", check out the (no, not a porno) "Oversexed Rugsuckers from Mars". Enticing treat, the alien ship is an upside down "Simon" game glued to an angel food cake pan. Trust me on this, it's awful, awfully good, and so beyond ridiculous you will thank me. Thanks for the great entertainment and reviews. Go Riders eh?

[@laeldestan1536]

Wow this makes Manos Hands of Fate look like The Fast and the Furious.

[@frederickmiller2733]

"The BLOOD is just dripping like Maple Syrup" holy shit that's too Canadian lmao. Great fucking review

[@vladyvhv9579]

Actually, the Friday the 13'th "Jason's Theme" is "Ki-k-ki-Ma-ma-ma". It's intended to be Jason's voice in Pam's head saying "Kill them, Mommy!". And possibly later movies, Pam's voice in Jason's head saying "Kill them for Mommy!".

[@ryandowney8743]

Great review. I loved all the jokes in the Canadian accent. You should review THE JAR, a 1984 film that is even more nothing than this one.

[@f.d.3289]

Actually, you shouldn't, because THE JAR is THINGS that tries to be artistic.

[@michaelccozens]

Or you could just pop a selection of first-year film projects from only the most pretentious of students in a blender and watch the result. Or just watch the blending; it's more honest and less insulting.

[@brianoconnell6459]

I was watching To Catch a Yeti a few times on Rifftrax's channel, and wondering how they could claim everything was taking place in NY, when all the cars had Toronto plates.:P

[@pathatfield2543]

Anyone who has endured this movie deserves a Purple Heart,as well as free treatment for PTSD.

[@somecartoonweeb3947]

What screenwriter wastes their time writing some guys doing nothing?! WHO LOOKED AT THE SCRIPT AND SAID “YES!! THIS IS PROFIT!!!!” Good GOD!!

[@moirakizito4828]

😂😂😂😂

[@fromthecheapseats7126]

To be fair, I don’t think it would take much for this film to turn a profit.

[@leebarron3017]

The condensed review version of Things was hard enough to get through, never mind the whole 'film'. Sir Brandon should be granted some kind of medal or similar august honourary offering for surviving the horror to produce this review.

[@jimhaverlock9784]

For what it's worth, all my friends are REALLY starting to dread the words: "Just watched another Brandon Tenold review..." They know we'll be watching something special that night.

[@leviroch]

Every fortnight we have shitty movie night at mine. . . Copious amounts of weed and vodka, numerous shitty 80s/90s practical effects horror/scifi. . . And no gfs allowed. . . This is man time, we need free reign to judge the obscenely huge variation of tits in oldschool horror lol (im serious, wth is up with the 'breast spectrum' back then? Nowadays theres like 4 different types of boob. . . Back then it was like 23+. . . Perks of multicultural breeding? Couple of hundred years from now will every female have the exact same set?)

[@Thealgorithmhassummonedme]

@@leviroch I am finding you and heading to your place. Fair warning, I am bringing the Sleep Away Camp series to the party.

[@compupsych3897]

I give you so much credit for suffering through this mind numbing abomination!

[@Leatherbubba]

I just watched this for a second time the other day. I got the DVD.

[@willtheshyguy]

fg oh you poor soul...

[@dwarf10111]

lol same with me, bought it on amazon and had a friend come over to watch it. it was a mistake

[@babababuck]

I've had a copy since 89. I rented it from "beard guy/beardo" and made a copy.

[@andrewgwilliam4831]

Wow, you must have done something really bad in a past life!

[@jeffengland2791]

The fact that someone made a dvd of this...

[@kwameljt]

That movie was painful to watch, i feel for you.

[@briancuttler2449]

I think this is the worst film he has ever reviewed

[@Horrormaster13]

SabatonSaint Yep

[@ChibiChubbyRobo]

Brian Cuttler *best

[@NotCharAznable]

This is clearly GOAT.

[@lukasd.4389]

still better than baby genius

[@MrDman21]

"Canadian as Fuck" should be Brandon's new tagline.

[@jaymartin8273]

Jeez! Just watching you review this movie is a pain! I applaud you for managing to get through the whole thing. I don't know HOW you managed, but you did, so hats off to you :=)

[@MarindiaProductions]

You'd think a movie with Benny Andersson from ABBA in it would have a better soundtrack. Not gonna lie, even the review of this was tough to get through. The fake tape recording was one of the funniest things ever, though!

[@joshfriedman7099]

I've seen this movie five times. I'd recommend watching it with people who haven't seen it before to see their reactions. I initially hated the film, but I've now grown to love it.

[@The_PokeSaurus]

18:03 He was than rescued by Canadian Napoleon Dynamite.

[@mccrabbypatty4441]

gotta say after finding this channel a few months ago I cant stop watching these vids, love the death machines review

[@KRhetor]

Not since Nickelback's first album have I felt more ashamed of being Canadian.

[@ComputerLearning0]

I Love your reviews because your humor is so funny. Professional, high paid reviewers aren't as good as you and I find myself watching and re-watching the same ones ever so often because they're hilarious and I absolutely love your style of humor.

[@victorhernandez8723]

Even Manos: the Hands of Fate is more interesting than this garbage! There! I said it!

[@luannet.4470]

Somebody had to.

[@menslady125eif2590]

I totally agree, Victor!

[@mauricedavis2160]

Hi I agree wholeheartedly... Torgo lives!!! ♊✨😵

[@mrsuns10]

DO SOMETHING! GOD!

[@michaelccozens]

At least someone involved in Manos was trying. Sure, he was a fertilizer salesperson who bet a friend he could make a movie for $800, but it was at least some motivation.

[@kingofarkansas2710]

This movie makes yoga hosers look like Oscar material.

[@killerkhye]

Got to give props considering they had less than a $1 of budget!

[@mrsuns10]

Roger Corman could do better with $.50

[@mauricedavis2160]

Brandon, we thank and salute you for your sacrifice... thanks for the warning mate!!! 😵

[@wimvanderstraeten6521]

Calling this an amateur movie would be an insult to amateur movies.

[@666Vampirefromhell]

I'm STILL trying to find the tune he used for his Canuxploitation theme. I know it's a rock version of Oh Canada but I can't find this version. Heeeelp.

[@ogithesergal4182]

Dialogue sounds like beavis and butt head on quaaludes.

[@j.b.booker7912]

Wouldve been better if he had run into Ricky, Julian and Bubbles when he left the house.

[@jayn8392]

Wow... how did you make it through this pile? There aren't enough drugs and alcohol in all the land to make this shit bearable

[@desi1790]

Brandon speaking "Canadian" gets me every time.

[@brianoconnell6459]

Are these guys sons of Zap Rowsdower?!

[@luannet.4470]

Or, the second cousins of Bill Schtinkwater?!

[@aircraftcarrierwo-class]

Not to be confused with "The Things", a short story by Peter Watts that is actually really good.

[@gallibon1319]

10:43 WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING! SHOULD WE DO SOMETHING? WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING! SHOULD WE DO SOMETHING? WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING!

[@DrZuluGaming]

YES! YOU SHOULD DO SOMETHING, YOU BORING IDIOTS! Things in a nutshell.

[@veelalynne]

NO ONE WILL BE SEATED DURING THE THRILLING "TWO IDIOTS DOING NOTHING" SCENE!!!!! Also, white bread on white bread sandwiches.

[@StuartofAutumn]

OMFG!!! DO SOMETHING!!!

[@GTONeko]

"Should we do something?" "WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING!" "Should we do something?" "WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING!" Thank Linkara for that reminder. X3

[@wstine79]

Amber Lynn. They should've hired Robin Sparkles.

[@wstine79]

Oh great. This a "Shot on Shitamax" film. Worse than Shideo.

[@rag_man673]

5:49 I was thinking it just as you said it. Impeccable timing. 🤣🤣🤣

[@JonahTheMans]

I thought I was the only one to have suffered through this with the boys. God it was worth it 100%

[@crimped357]

4:28 "HANG ON! I think I left the fucking lens cap on eh!" I really did lmfao!! doug and bob McKensy flash back- :D

[@Awwscrewit]

Drinking game. Take a drink every time you or one of your buddies says "What?"

[@victorhernandez8723]

This makes Manos: the Hands of Fate look like Psycho!

[@jblask2]

Why does the main character in teh blue sweater sound like Cool Cat?

[@becausevideogames2829]

This video feels like an hour because of this movie I feel like the actual movie feels like it takes an enternaty

[@skyslasher2297]

I feel so bad for you having to suffer from this movie

[@JavelinNotHere]

I’m Canadian and I’m happy you did a review on Canadian movies I’m a big fan ^^ I know I’m late

[@AkodoAkira1]

You truly do suffer for us. God Bless you.