Breaking From Your Parents, Part 2 - More on a Key Subject

[@stealthwarrior5768]

Broke away from my parents at 16 and I have never looked back. They have never laid a hand on me since. Im 53 and have had a great life because I had the guts to leave them behind. Your videos on the topic has been very helpful. I bought your book and took alot from it. You write well.

[@Thatsbannanas-d8c]

You are a honey. Stay safe.

[@charthers8903]

I’m an example of what happens when you DON’T break away because of fear.. 20 years later I’m facing the EXACT same challenges - Start early that’s my advice

[@lextor4712]

That's good advice.

[@feralfraulein]

Thanks for sharing

[@allthe1]

Same here. It's been about 3 months I haven't exchanged a word and a year without direct contact. I'm slowly breaking apart, cause no one cares, everyone's scared senseless when the topic is brought up.

[@miriam100ful]

what you are saying is so true. People will not get sympathy for breaking away from their parents, even when they abuse them or are narcissists. The society as a whole holds up the rule -honour your mother and father. This is quite sad.

[@laurar.2866]

Daniel, thanks for being an ally for many of us. You really are brave and honest.

[@aka15101]

Agree. Thank you for sharing this deeply personal and profoundly important conversation. You explain the nuances of life so well.

[@laurieb2296]

I moved 3000 miles away which helps. Thank you for your videos Daniel ❤️

[@andrewparry1474]

It definitely can help, and does if we willingly step outside our comfort zones. I think that most people get comfortable in the distance, and the same issue just kinda turn up, 3000 miles away. I'm glad that I live far, it's healthy and necessary. But I'm having to go to more and more extreme lengths to face my false self.

[@threethrushes]

I moved to a new country.

[@linie1450]

I cut off my parent two years ago. They tried to use my cousins to send me messages, so I had to cut off all my cousins too. Now I’m completely alone, living in the country by myself, no friends no family no boyfriend. Just me and my cats. Breaking away from my parents is the most painful thing I’ve done. But I’m doing it for my soul. I need this peaceful space to heal and revive.

[@idontknowyetwhoiam]

How are you doing now?

[@linie1450]

@@idontknowyetwhoiam pretty good! Grieved my loss and ready to move on😀

[@threethrushes]

It felt like a bereavement. In the space of three months; 1. Lost job. 2. Gf dumped me (see 1.) 3. Left FOO. 4. Emigrated to a new country where I had no connections, no friends, didn't know the language. That was in 2015. I built a new life from scratch in that new country, which I call home.

[@minimars3696]

Man, that "(see 1)" is something😂😂 Could you tell about you a bit more? Where do you live and what is your homeland?

[@jolandak8556]

Congratulations!:)

[@threethrushes]

@@minimars3696 One thing I learned is to simulate your downfall (unless you actually have a downfall). That way you see who sticks around, and who is just with you for cash and prizes. In one fell swoop, I ditched most every toxic relationship in my life, and got to start afresh. I moved to the Czech Republic and originally I'm British.

[@Tiffanynyc2323]

You’re so brave! I’m trying to do this now it’s so hard pray for me

[@threethrushes]

@@Tiffanynyc2323 I can't describe how much more I am at peace. What price sanity/happiness?

[@danyahal7]

I cut my parents off, and not only was it easy but not a day goes by that I am not filled with gratitude and peace. I make more money as a musician than both my abusive and pathetic psychopathic parents. I trust my intuition and rarely take advice from adults. So far this has worked out well for me. I love your channel! Nice to listen to someone who is balanced and has real wisdom. 😄👍💜💜

[@lextor4712]

Sounds awesome.

[@ola6482]

I feel so happy for you

[@kevinhornbuckle]

I often recommend that people take up a musical instrument with which to earn self respect and at the same time, create for themselves a meditative space. How has music helped you traverse the extreme difficulties of having disturbed parents?

[@feralfraulein]

Congrats!!

[@Joshdifferent]

❤❤❤

[@yabe1496]

I went no contact with my parents, as you say, its painful as hell. I re contact them to look for their emotional support because I got divorced and with 2 kids, they seemed to be in a lovely attitude for the first time in my life. Wrong, in two days my mom played her twisted game on my son as she used to do on me for 46 years (smear campaing, silent treatment, triangulation, etc). She thought I was not noticing her behaviour. I saw hoy my pacific always smiling boy was in an emotional turmoil for the first time in his life. I just walk away from my family again, no more contact ever. I dont wish this to anyone and people indeed judge me as a mean daughter that dont care for her old parents. I know Im an easier prey by being a single mother with no family net and a very weak social net. I dont care anymore, peace of mind is first, specially peace of mind of my kids since their brains are still developing. I wish everybody find their tribe.

[@jolandak8556]

You are a very good mother, noticing your son´s reaction (my mother never noticed mine...), empathizing and acting accordingly, to protect him. He is lucky to have you as a mother. He is emotionally safe with you. Hope you will both have the happy life you deserve: )

[@tnt01]

Stay strong. It will work out for you. Hugs. :)

[@rishaa682]

I think my parents act like their heart is broken just to look good when really they are like bring us another soul to feed on, this one is gone

[@AlimonyPayerinCars]

Well said. Its all an act, its not about them wanting to mend fences, its so they can play the victim in front of their equally pathological friends who are also lousy parents/grandparents. They set them up to fail and then wonder why their kids ghost on them.

[@sarahsat222]

My body screamed at me through depression until I understood that I couldn’t tolerate their toxicity and lies anymore. And thanks to an Alice Miller book I had the courage to cut them off of my life for good. I wasn’t ready, I had NO ONE around to support me, even my sisters with whom I shared everything left me down! but I resisted because I knew I needed to go through that “hell” to find myself and to live freely. Thanks to that break up I ended another toxic relationship, with an abusive husband who was the perfect mix of my parents characters. I struggle with making friends because like you say, when you tell people that you have no contact with your family, they are scared... I live in Italy where “the family” is sacred. I became very selective because I want brave people around me! I am happy I found your videos

[@tnt01]

You did the right thing. Stay strong. Hugs.

[@dmackler58]

Hi Sarah -- thanks for sharing this. Just in case you were interested: Recently my book "Breaking from your parents" was translated into Italian. I haven't shared this publicly yet...probably in part because family is so sacred in Italy, like you said! But I'm sharing it here with you! Warm greetings! Daniel. www.amazon.com/Staccarsi-dai-propri-genitori-precedente-ebook/dp/B081B564SK

[@sarahsat222]

@@tnt01 thank you, I will!!

[@sarahsat222]

@@dmackler58 Thank you so much Daniel for your reply!! I’ll go and check your book! Yes in Italy it’s still a big taboo, but I hope that books like yours will encourage people to save themselves! Have a great day!

[@dmackler58]

I wish you a great day too!

[@rishaa682]

I also think the more ppl who do it the more normalized it will become. And that will create a positive change in society, it should be normalized to be okay to leave if your parents are very unhealthy for you

[@MsWing-ij9nb]

Agreed^. In the UK, there’s an org called “Stand Alone” which provides resources for adults who have chosen to distance/separate from their family of origin. They also advocate for changes in university/government policies to make it easier for students estranged from parents to assess financial resources without parental permission - to be able to enroll in uni.

[@minimars3696]

@@MsWing-ij9nb Wow! That's awsome!

[@danabarnea1991]

when I was 19 I was sort of forced by my own body and mind to break away from my parents, I no longer recognized them, they seemed like strangers, aliens, and being at any contact with them caused too much pain and destress that I lost my memories too. in many ways it was and still is the hardest thing I ever had to do, although in really is the physically (and of course emotionally) the healthiest thing for me, it doesn't make it any easier, I still love them or the idea of them, I still long for a home, a place of rest that in reality never was. and till this day I'm haunted by time, time I lost with them, time they lost with me, the pain they feel, and wondering and thinking non stop about my roles, obligations, duties as a daughter, as a fellow human to their pain, and though I made my peace with it knowing their pain exist is still very hard, and knowing they put their pains on me that in result keeps it unresolved and forever lasting makes it even harder. thank you for acknowledging how difficult it is, it can be so isolating at times, you putting this out there really makes a difference.

[@yabe1496]

May your soul be your home.

[@jolandak8556]

Sometimes all you can do is love from afar. Lisa A. Romano has a story that she uses as a metaphor for this. A woman is walking in the wood with her children and sees a lion that poachers have wounded. Lion is roaring from pain, it is hurt, scared, angry and very dangerous. The woman makes sure her children are safe and tries then to approach the lion to help, heal and comfort it. But the hurt lion is scared when someone comes close, because it is hurting so much and thinks everybody will hurt him like the poachers. When anyone gets too close, it will kill them immediately, it is still very dangerous even though it is hurt. - So nobody can get close to these people, ever. One can love them, but only afar. One can wish to help, but it its impossible. If there is someone who can help, it is not you or me, i.e. the ordinary person, it may be a professional perhaps (or God, or karma, etc.). But we, as children of toxic parents, just have to take care of ourselves and if we have children or other responsibilities, take care of them and ensure their safety. - It its extremely sad, but it is just how it is.

[@Sil26439]

@@jolandak8556 thank you for your wise words

[@jolandak8556]

@@Sil26439 Thank you to you:)

[@jolandak8556]

One more thing... I try to think about my abusive family members, whom I have no contact with, as the immortal souls they are, souls that were born into the world with full potential, innocent before their traumas turned them the way they are now. And to keep in mind that what I still love in these people is their souls only, and their potential that I could sometimes have a glimpse of, not them as the real (abusive) people they are. My love is not for these real people at all anymore, it is only for their potential. This way it feels easier to love them without having to go too close to them in my mind. I don´t have to demonize them to stay away from them, just remember that their potential is not the same as them. These souls are something they themselves are not able to have connection with anymore, and therefore of course I can not either. Perhaps their souls will have another life after this one, perhaps they´ll get another chance, in some way. Perhaps then we can meet. This life here we must stay apart, for me to be safe. - This makes the battle a little easier, but I guess it can never be easy to accept that one has no family of origin, and as you said, no place to rest, like good memories of childhood can be.

[@helgahermansen1299]

They hoped that their children would finally give them the unconditional love they have always needed. But that is not right and not possible.

[@kevinhornbuckle]

They are not conscious of their motives. Their trauma leave them incompetent as parents.

[@kevinhornbuckle]

And when I say incompetent, I am being generous.

[@island661]

Yup, 💯 True!

[@lexilove253]

I think my fav thing I was told after I stopped talking to my mother was, "It happened a long time ago." Yea, it did. And? I was diagnosed with PTSD, and MDD. I was literally sexually abused 😂 besides the emotional and physical. My mother "claims" she wants to help me feel better, yet hasn't gone to therapy like I've asked her to. I already know she experienced childhood abuse, is emotionally stunted, etc. bc I was a mini therapist growing up. How can she claim she is a good mother, yet doesn't even TRY to meet my needs? Girl, bye. I cannot be healthy staying in contact with immaturity. It was never my job to teach her boundaries. I so badly wanted to "fix" my family system...

[@AlimonyPayerinCars]

Your mother parentified you as did mine....I always felt like the adult who was coddling an immature child and to this day she's successfully manipulated everybody in my family, playing the part of the professional victim. Good riddance....I let my siblings do all the heavy lifting of raising an immature woman who's own grandkids don't seem to like her that much either.

[@Hannerloo]

"I cannot be healthy staying in contact with immaturity" thank you.

[@nightstarstar1]

I’ve broken from my parents. It took some time and I did it in stages. I tried to set boundaries but my boundaries were violated and I also kept finding myself yearning and trying to get from them what I knew they were just never going to be able to give to me emotionally. I realized that to stop that cycle of craving I had to just make a clean break and it’s been very healing for me. Yes it was hard but since it was done in stages I had done a lot of mourning already. Now I feel free to be myself and it’s so good. It’s been some years now and I don’t miss them. I’m glad I found your videos on this subject, I can relate with so much of it and it feels supportive to know I’m not alone. But at the same time it makes me really sad that this is much more common than I thought.

[@Hannerloo]

"stop the cycle of craving." thank you

[@realtownboy6763]

Very hard to spill about ones parents..props to you.

[@kevinhornbuckle]

One thing people have to realize is that people who have not been through it simply cannot empathize. Luckily for them, the idea of a dangerous parent is completely foreign.

[@katefromouttaspace378]

Your point about making the contract is so powerful! A child is an innocent who is put into a situation by adults and has to figure it out. As you become an adult you do have to face the choice - do you renew these contracts, or do you start to define your own connections? It's a huge process.

[@leann262]

Good comment. Estrangement is more common than a lot of people want to think, but the “leavers” are usually ostracized or seen as insane and are often not inclined to discuss it due to social stigma. Or at least that’s my experience. The default position of bystanders is that reconciliation is always on the horizon. Uhhh, I don’t think so, folks.

[@jolandak8556]

@@leann262 This is my experience too. It is especially unpleasant when the bystanders don´t get it that someone can be actually scared for their family members. And if not scared (like I am for one of them) so full of anxiety when having to be in contact with them, that the mere thought of it causes pain. The bystanders want to believe that their "encouraging" comments about reconciliation are helpful, but at least for me, it is salt on my wounds.

[@SantaFeSuperChief1]

Your first video on breaking from your parents was a godsend to me. I'd broken from my parents because of how they treated me and your video opened up this whole world of understanding exactly what damage they'd done to me a child. I was broken from my parents for 2 years, but eventually went back because I was lacking in financial and emotional support. I'm working my ass off to get to a spot where I can break from them again and continue healing. I don't like who I become when I'm around my parents, it's like all the healing work I've done just dissolves. Thank you so much for all you do, Daniel. It is no exaggeration to say your work has changed my life for the better.

[@jolandak8556]

"I don't like who I become when I'm around my parents, it's like all the healing work I've done just dissolves. " I have felt the same when I have broken the "no contact". It feels disgusting. - Good luck, I am sure you will find your place in the world and your independence. You are already stronger than them.

[@lynnmarieanderson1744]

I totally get it. I have some serious issues with severe depression and anxiety, and I'm not working right now, I don't have some supportive spouse, so financially I'm messed up right now. I was distancing myself from them on my way to at least trying to totally cut out my narcisstic dad- used to have my own apartment and car, but then some other stuff went down and right now I'm a grown adult living with them these days or I'd be homeless!!! So I'm grateful I at least have a roof over my head, but it of course it isn't easy, and I get it that it isn't easy on them too. My mom does care, I'm really here because she understands, my dad-ha- I know if it wasn't for my mom he'd be all you're an adult now, get out!!! So currently I'm trying to plan some escape, but this is like the fight of my life to get away from my dad.

[@lextor4712]

Moved to the other side of the world to break free from my parents. Never felt better.

[@conniepinter1862]

Same here :)

[@jolandak8556]

Me too, I´m planning it. Not quite to the other side of the world, but to another country in Europe (where I live). One of my parents is dead (relief!), but the one that abused me the most and whom I think part of me will always be afraid of, is still alive. I have somehow known my whole life, that I can not get peace until he is dead.

[@AlimonyPayerinCars]

THIS. Moved from CA to FL so short of leaving the country? Put as much distance as I could between myself and these toxic vultures. Now working on getting my passport and putting even more miles between me and them. My only regrets? Should have done it at 18 and not 35.

[@veruc_w]

Also moved 1000km away. Thanks to covid we are more apart

[@jolandak8556]

@@AlimonyPayerinCars I agree, rather sooner than later. The "no contact", and also the move, if possible.

[@Sketch_Sesh]

While breaking from nParents can be good, the person still needs to grieve the loss of the parents they needed and will never have

[@religionishipocrisy]

I'm trying to figure out how to grieve the loss of parents and family. How did you go about the grieving process? How do you know when you've grieved it?

[@ayandatholwana528]

Watch pete garlech he explains grieving so well

[@Sketch_Sesh]

@@religionishipocrisy Journaling and communities on Reddit for people with Narcissistic parents have helped a lot. Connecting with others who understand and offer support is huge because it’s hard to find in our society. The sadness of grieving diminishes over time but don’t know if it ever completely goes away. I think a part of us will always miss having the loving, healthy, supportive parents we never really had

[@religionishipocrisy]

@@Sketch_Sesh thank you for your thoughtful reply. I've been considering starting to journal as part of my grieving process. And you introduced some other ideas that I'm going to try as well. Thank you for taking the time to reply and for the helpful suggestions.

[@jolandak8556]

True. I think that for grieving to be possibly one needs to feel safe first. If the parent has been abusive, and one is still afraid of them (it may take very long time to establish security in neurological level), one can not start grieving. This means also, in my opinion, that there will be anger. The function of anger is to protect the individual from a threat. Therefore as long as there is fear, there is anger, and while there is lots of anger, there is no room or capacity for grief. When one has felt safe enough for a long enough time, grieving can happen. After the process of grieving one can find joy again, and hope. And probably also feel that one has "released" oneself from the abuser, from their power.

[@grahamtrave1709]

This can also apply to other “caregivers” and relatives, especially siblings. Thanks for doing these videos Daniel

[@matilda4406]

That is excellent reasoning. They couldn't see that they gave themselves the right to brake away from each other and yet had the nerve not to give exactly the same for you. Parents fail to realize that they too have to "earn" the respect of their children. Instead, so many get on their high horse. It's their loss that they never learn to respect the people closest to them. Hard to comprehend and painfully sad.

[@kevinhornbuckle]

I know a guy whose son won't talk to him, now for several years. I know the father well enough to see exactly how and why he was emotionally abusive to his son. He is heartbroken and at the same time, has no awareness at all that his son is legitimately angry at him.

[@Joshdifferent]

I am the speedboat in a narcissistic family system. I had no choice but to disconnect from my parents and my whole family of origin. I am one year of no contact as of lately since I am coming up on the anniversary I literally cried every day. Imagine growing up in a family of six With lots of family friends around. Then you get into a relationship with a narcissist, which then wakes you up to your family situation. you move from the east coast to the west coast with no family … it’s wild but I keep telling myself I gotta be strong and keep going

[@veruc_w]

I have your book, and even made an audio book with a computerized voice but it sounds terrible. It would be so cool if you could make an audio-book of that one. It would be a music for our ears, a long therapy session :)

[@jolandak8556]

I would love to hear Daniel´s book read by him. I´m planning to order it but read in his own voice it would even be better as an audiobook.

[@minimars3696]

We should bring this comment to the Top!!! Daniel, please make an aduio version of your book!

[@xanah6298]

I'd love that as well!

[@russellm7530]

I never left any of my relatives, parents or my Mom but all of them abandoned me my whole life especially my mother. I'd love to tell you about it all sometime Daniel. I'm 53 and just realized several years ago they've all abandoned me my whole life. I've had 3 or 4 homes stolen from me by my mother and some other relatives. I'm an only child. My mom and dad divorced when I was 12. Mom met some other man within a year of that and married him a few years later. But she's never been their for me. They've treated me my whole life like I don't even exist and I didn't even realize it. It's a long story. I wish I could tell you all about it.

[@jolandak8556]

I think it is extremely important and helpful to be able to tell someone one´s life story, and to be able to do it honestly. As a child of toxic parents one seldom gets a chance to do that. People don´t want to hear. I feel it is a terrible burden not to be able to tell about my life as it really is.

[@kevinhornbuckle]

You can tell me if you want to. I am a good listener and keep everything confidential. I've been through it too. Hopefully you have figured out a way to protect yourself from your mother.

[@pinkythepolarbear5272]

I struggle having little contact with family but at the same time I cannot mentally bring myself to attempt to have a closer relationship again. Love from family shouldn't be conditional. My own father I became estranged from young and then my mum was gone before her time so I am already used to not having parents. When I do speak to family it doesn't bring up good feelings and though I wish it was different my pain from being away from them is far less than the pain I encountered being apart of it.

[@melsplanty8444]

When you say you cannot mentally bring yourself to attempt to have a closer relationship again- that resonates! I think of it as self preservation

[@pinkythepolarbear5272]

@@melsplanty8444 yes in many ways it is. In the past I've gone back and every confidence I'd gained was knocked right out of me. I don't want to get back to square one again.

[@zerothreethreethree]

It is hell! But I have acquired understanding, and acute vision to recognize I am not alone. Life has been giving me fathers and mothers my entire life. Right examples. So I am never lacking nor alone. Definitely not an easy path.

[@efehansahin2172]

Oh my goodness Daniel. You keep getting me. Its true. My Mother and father broke up when I was 11. No contact with eachother ever after that. After I broke away from both. And spoiled many things for both. Talked alot of them brought things up. Fucked up their little closed down funny little world. And got almost torn apart from BOTH of them. Emotionally and almost Physically. Left my Keys for the house on the desk. And went homeless with my spare money. Incredible times heck! Now living a grateful life with eager to move forward! I am still not indepent but one day I am going to become established and strong. Working on it. I dont have a community. But I learned how to be with people in social and health promoting place. Talking and making myseld heared. Before I was even more silenced than I am now. Grow or die as one would say. Learning a lot along our ways. Wow reading this a few days later, I actually missed the point on what I wanted to say. My family has contact with eachother. After I was the one who made the leap. Since it was a tabu to talk about the "other side". Same thing was going on there too. I kind of stirred it up and left. I stilled "needed" my original family. But was too obsessed of getting rid of them. Feels weired talking to them now. Manipulative

[@jennygao826]

This one really spoke to me! I have essentially the same view, breaking is very difficult especially when you have not built other support networks (incredibly hard because most likely you have been keeping it to yourself for a long time and like you said society does not generally accept those who break away and we don't yet have guaranteed income system to allow people deal with this kind of emotional stress).. I am still teetering on just grey rocking.. I think that's the most I could do for now.. at least mine has not so far made it worse than it already was so I've been okay with just grey rock.. there's a lot of guilt to deal with when you distance... as much as you know it would help you grow there's still a feeling you're being 'mean' and going too far, and just the sheer loneliness because almost nobody around you gets it.. Thank you for acknowledging how difficult this is. We're essentially innovators of our age!

[@laurieb2296]

What does grey rock mean?

[@andrewparry1474]

@@laurieb2296 to make yourself shit boring

[@jennygao826]

@@laurieb2296 yes exactly become pretty uninteresting and not feed into the drama the other is always trying to reel you into.

[@laurieb2296]

@@jennygao826 Thanks, I never heard that term before.

[@smoozerish]

It was a 10 year process to fully break away from my parents. Was worth it in the end and enabled me to get off all the antidepressants and anxiety drugs but boy was it hard. I had to grieve to the very depths of my heart and get lots of therapy. Plus I think you need to be a very strong and determined individual. It really is worth it but you need to be prepared to walk through fire.

[@bougatses]

Many thanks Daniel. These videos have been an invaluable resource in personal times of trouble, especially in relation to direct family. My first "community".

[@citisite]

Allan Schore: The mother does not regulate the child's negative affects because she is preoccupied with her own positive affects. In the worst case, the mother is the stress factor.

[@Kaz.2719]

you have no idea how much needed this was. I think your book would be really helpful for me

[@khadijaxaidi3523]

I can't explain how incredibly helpful this is.. I see myself in you... but breaking away from your parents being a girl is extremely difficult in eastern Asia I did it anyway and it's the most soul wrenching thing i ever experienced...God bless you Daniel. ❤

[@TasLomv]

The way I see it breaking up from parents could benefit someone who's been abused by them but in most other cases it's not going to help much in resolving the internal conflicts. That's due to the internalization of the parental figures that takes place early on in our lives. So I agree that one must be very strong internally and also have a supportive network to be able to really take distance from parents.

[@lynnmarieanderson1744]

At this point, I don't know if I can EVER truly break away from my narcisstic dad!!!! My mom is all right, I would still check in with her and call her, but my dad, oh, don't get me started. Tired of being his family scapegoat here. And I'm not doing well financially right now and he's so controlling and smug, but I'm trying to be as independent as I can. In this life, you play the hand you were dealt, but it can be rough. It's no wonder I resonate so much with Madonna's song, Oh Father. I'm 50 now and I'm really seeing things for what they really are. Been through too much psychological and verbal abuse here.

[@shawnd4120]

100! The pain that comes from breaking, truly breaking, is heads and shoulders above any other experience. As you suggest, it is an absolute hell that lasts much longer and goes much deeper than can be imagined without having this particular experience. And, as a professional counselor myself, I have had the same internal reactions and cautions for those who are considering breaking themselves. Thanks for the video and the honesty: it's helpful to know that I am not alone in having the same reaction to the same action!

[@jolandak8556]

I have noticed the same thing. When it comes to your parents, you are expected to keep contact and even forgive. But not with other people like spouses, friends, disloyal co-workers, bosses etc. I think it is about power and getting the stockholm-syndrome. Other people get stockholmed vicariously listening to your problems with people who have a lot of power over you. They can not stand the power imbalance, and imagining being the underdog in that situation. I have indeed wondered for a long time why one is not expected to forgive their unfaithful spouse (ever! Actually what I have heard, friends and relatives sometimes even encourage you not to forgive that "scumbag who betrayed you" etc...), but when it is about your abusive parents or sometimes even person who murdered your child, or a rapist, you are strongly pressured to forgive. The pressure is like "you can never be happy unless you forgive", or "if you cling to negative emotions they will eat you up inside". This kind of ugly, terribly, scary metaphors... to someone who is suffering incredibly, feeling deep, continuous pain about something that SOMEONE ELSE did to them. It is not their fault, they did not start it in the first place, the offender did. But those who preach to them, ostensibly in their own best interest, don´t care whose fault it is. They blame the victim and gaslight them that forgiving is for their own good, indeed absolutely necessary for their wellbeing. - Christianity tells people that they can not go to heaven if they don´t forgive everybody who have harmed them. Nowadays psychiatry has in some ways taken religion´s place in society, and it is psychiatrists, spiritual teachers, life coaches etc. who do this: send victims to hell for not being able to forgive. Thank you Daniel for this video. So much of this happened to me too: my parents collided against me when I broke contact with them, even though they were divorced. My mother even blackmailed me once when I was already adult to ask (beg) money from my abusive father. I was in a terrible financial situation and there was no one else to turn to except my mother. I was burn out and had a somatic illness that prevented me from working, and had severe C-PTSD. I obeyed, for which I hate myself, but I could not have survived and taken care of those who depended on me had I not done it. I could not have afforded therapy at that time, and I felt my life depended on it... my mother knew this, and wanted to punish me by sending me to beg from my father even though she was a wealthy woman and could have borrowed me the money herself. Later she wrote me out of her will. - She always pitied herself for how cruel her husband had been to her, but forced her daughter to go into that same "lion´s cave" throughout my whole childhood and even later when she had a chance. I think I will never fully recover from that latest abusive episode. My grandparents who were less toxic never actually defended me against my parents. When I was a teenager a therapist gaslighted me to love my parents in spite of their abuses. Later in my life there were some other therapists that did not, thank God. When I was young, NONE of my "radical" and "rebel" teenage friends was on my side. They felt sorry for my "sweet mum", said "don´t hurt your father like that" when I broke contact with my very dangerously abusive father. Most of my friends still don´t understand, and I have to avoid the subject. This is an experience no one wants to have. To see the world turning its back to them when they need support the most. Most people never need to have this experience, simply because they are lucky to have normal, decent parents. I think some part of me will be bitter forever. - Sure, I have also met people who understand, and at the moment I have a really great therapist. But still... I wish there was karma. A clairvoyant once said to me that there was, and that my parents would have to answer for what they had done, but I think she just tried to comfort me. I was grateful anyway. Sorry for the length of this comment... Also what you said about the motives why the parents can be sad when their adult children break contact. They feel forsaken, and complain about it to everybody (at least my parents did) and get sympathy. But I felt that they never for a moment grieved about losing me as a person. After all, they never even knew me. They had never bothered to get to know me. In fact, being narcissists, they tried everything in their power to show me in different ways that they did not want to know anything about me - the real me - but expected me to grow into an extension of their ego. That I could not do, and was punished. - I surely tried, when I was a child, at least sometimes, to become what they expected. I am still severely codependent. But I was never able to become what they wanted, and often even as a child I rebelled in some ways, overt and less overt. It could not have worked, even if I had stayed and allowed me being beaten to death emotionally. Your video has so much content that I can resonate with. My mother went to therapy when I was a teenager. She became a better narcissist there. She started scapegoating me after she had been in therapy for a while. She chose my sibling to be a golden child (and destroyed them that way, I think, just in a different way from what she did to me). I became my mother´s enemy nr 1. She blamed me for everything, from breaking her marriage to forsaking her. I could go on... Therapy clearly made her feel better about herself, but my life became more difficult as the result. Then I moved away from home, and until she died she blamed me for these same things and many others. Sorry for the length of this rant. Hope it helps someone in the same situation. Sometimes one has to search, and also can find love, caring and decency from somewhere outside one´s family of origin. I was loved by some people during my childhood, but those people were not my parents.

[@fsartori63]

Thank you very much for sharing your experiences!

[@Sil26439]

Being scapegoated by their own mother is one of the most terrible experiences a child can go through... it takes so much time to accept it, and hope that this is not true becomes our worst enemy. Thank you so much for sharing.

[@jolandak8556]

@@Sil26439 "it takes so much time to accept it, and hope that this is not true becomes our worst enemy" Exactly. Thank you for your comment :)

[@kubasniak]

You can forgive to drop the weight you carry. It's more for you than others. It's mental. It doesn't mean you go in contact with abusers. Hope you get that perspective. It changed a bit how I approach my resentment so it became a boundary without emotional load behind it.

[@zane62135]

A while back my mother got into a stupid argument with me while visiting me (we live far apart). She told me she would absolutely never see me or speak to me again. She also sent texts to the rest of my family telling them how horrible I am. I felt like I was dying in a bizzare way that I've never felt before. It was as though I had been banished from my tribe and sentenced to die out in the forest, alone. I can't even imagine the internal drama that would entail if I were to go no contact with my parents.

[@jolandak8556]

Sounds terrible. Being triangulated and isolated from one´s family feels indeed like being left to die. It is scary. She should not do that to you. Try to at least take some mental distance from your mother, if not break totally away. She does not sound like a person who is good for you. - Don´t let her scare you, she has no right to do that.

[@amberfuchs398]

Your videos are fantastic. Your bravery and courage are inspiring. Thanks for speaking out.

[@Tunasheep]

Daniel you really hit it on the head. it's been real hell and I'm glad I have support from friends who have healed/are healing from their family and have also broke away from their parents. but it is not easy. in the least!! much love!

[@dougn2350]

I left home when I was just barely 19. But I wasn't breaking from my family. I was going out into the world to make my own way. My parents did an excellent job of teaching me values and to be self sufficient. I loved being on my own. But always kept contact with family even though I moved 1200 miles away.

[@leowoodwind7723]

I would love to hear any advice people have on making money as a musician. The BIGGEST thing holding me back from breaking away from my abuser is financial dependency. I am currently in school for music and I am very afraid of not making enough money (from music) to survive in the "real world". I have only ever worked for my parents at their business and have never worked for another employer. I hate working any job that isn't related to my art, but will I have to, to break away? Or are there ways I can start making money now (from music) and saving up to be able to pay rent and utilities and all that other shit? I am skilled at: playing the flute, singing, songwriting, and producing. I should probably figure out how much money it would actually take to live in a place and pay for myself... I'll take constructive advice from anyone that would like to give it!

[@aliceinwisdom863]

Agree wholeheartedly! Breaking away from parents can be very isolating because other family members don’t understand and even friends don’t support your decision because they aren’t on the same journey as you so you’re left feeling that same sense of shame and abandonment you felt as a child.

[@user-ev5le7qh6g]

I believe whatever people did to them, doesn't make a valid excuse they can do it to others. It's nothing more than excuse of escaping their own responsibilities.

[@conniepinter1862]

Your earlier videos and book about breaking from your parents have had a tremendous positive impact. Keep up the good work

[@susha4511]

I moved 3000 miles from them at 18, and, other than returning for my sister's wedding 5 years later, I never saw either of them again despite my father(the main aggressor of the 2) pleading with me to come back for the family reunion 10 or so years later. Everyone else went and wore matching shirts and smiles that belied the unexamined family of origin toxic legacy. No pain. When they each died I wasn't touched by it in the least. I experienced the value of detachment, so, no... it certainly isn't an automatic trip to hell the way you portray that it will be✨️

[@fitafanatomy3359]

I need to cut away from my parents, I’m 30 soon and still rely on them. But it’s so hard I feel like I’m stuck

[@saph14400]

Am currently wanting to break from my abusive parents but can't because of financial and health reasons. Feel like I am so trapped. Like the walls are closing in, no light at the end of the tunnel. Breaking from your parents is hard. But being unable to is even harder imo.

[@jolandak8556]

Living with abusive people can sometimes lead to narrowing of horizons and learned helplessness. The abuse kind of corrodes one´s trust in oneself and ability to see clearly. Don´t give up.

[@feralfraulein]

@@jolandak8556 that’s exactly how I feel

[@BlackCat-vf7th]

What you described applies to my situation a lot and you're being so compassionate about it, I even felt some support through this video. Thank you! :)

[@TheToastwithTheAbsoluteMost]

I had no friends, no other family, not even a boyfriend when I broke from my family. I was living alone, in a city I have never known, as I had just moved cities for university. Loneliest times of my life. People also don’t talk about how growing up in a dysfunctional family can mess with your attachment styles. I have anxious avoidant attachment. It’s extremely difficult for me to maintain friendships, even now, 5 years later

[@sloaneglover1026]

Making the decision to start having a, um, an actual perspective I guess resulted in my ejection from my family system of origin - as I always feared/knew it would. It's been years of hell. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. And, I wouldn't do it differently. The rewards of having a self for a friend and partner have been slow but consequential, and they continue to unfold every day. Sometimes you have to let everything fall apart to start down your own path; And also, trust yourself to know if it's not time yet.

[@MsWing-ij9nb]

My intuition saved me- when I felt my yearning to be free overtake and replace the fear within me after a particular egregious act by my family of origin. my mind, body and soul became one and told me, this is it. It’s time to end this madness and break free. Move on. No turning back. It’s been about two years, but feels longer which is fine with me. Now, I value my time and energy so much more- and don’t take them for granted. Same with the healthy bonds I have with friends I’ve kept and made.

[@gaiadance]

My mother adopted me to her parents I tried to have her in my life consistantly she never had my back not once when I realised that I had no option than to break away I feel good about the decision always open for change but my bottom line still stands

[@TylinaVespart]

People get this look when I let them know I’m not in contact with my parents. It’s a very judgey sort of pause. But there’s no denying life is better, and that I’ve been very lucky with my extended family and got to keep some. I’ve made very good friends.

[@MirAndHer]

When I went NC with my family I did NOT have good, healthy, supportive relationships. I was NOT 'ready', but would never be, because of the impact of years of abuse on my ability to have healthy r'ships. I had not been allowed, or supported through healthy individuation, and at that time had no real sense of self even. And yes, the need to escape the abuse and trauma spurred me on, on the other side of NC and getting away from the toxic family was a whole other problem. The societal pressures to stay close to my family was immense, and this caused me extreme isolation. I was out in the world, alone for the first time, and with no healthy sense of self yet. You go into the void, the unknown, the consequences, etc. You are free from further harm, but there is still a mountain to climb. It's a viscious cycle, if you let it be, where you can't leave because you're not equipped to deal with life outside the family cult, but if you don't get free you never have an opportunity to 'become' yourself.

[@cenders_fit4608]

He is so intellectual about these topics

[@hs6404]

These videos Daniel does are incredibly enlightening and compassionate. He identifies with others who have endured all sorts of dysfunctional behaviors and indoctrinations. In my own life I have learned that people no matter what their age can create "distance" from those who are threatening, abusive, unstable, who have Dr. Heckle and Mister Hype personalities and those who will never accept you as you are, nor will they respect you simply as an innocent person deserving of respect. Evil and deception is the opposite so why should we expect such people leaning on hell for direction to be better than that? It is where they are at, and maybe they will break free of that. This is not to say that we are completely devoid of love for such people. We love even our worse enemies when we know or feel they could do better if they would try. Children who have been abused can learn to avoid certain adults or situations that keep their offenders at arm's length. If there is a sitter, they may choose to stay outdoors on a bike or roller skates while the sitter is there. If the abuser is a classmate, one can simply retreat to the library cubby study areas or avoid conversation or the presence of such people as much as one can. Those are survivor instincts. If it is a priest who is strange, one can avoid them even if they are made to sit in the church where such a forked tailed creature is pretending to lead a flock of attendees. If there are older children bullying a younger one or the opposite, victims of these things find ways to survive, and it is often done by creating distance physically first and emotionally. Who wants to be friends or colleagues or related to people still working in the devil's den as if that is their little heaven? Their are groups of people everywhere pretending to be good Christians or good Jewish or good Muslims and they are anything but the core of their supposed religions they do not understand otherwise they would take them seriously and reverently. This is all I have to say on this .. right now. Oh, yes one more thing. Thank you, Daniel.

[@rebecca_stone]

I don't always agree with all your content Daniel - but this video is a massive validator. A rare piece of content on this topic that captures the nuance of it. Shame on anyone who puts out social posts etc that are flippant on this subject. They do us all a huge disservice. Us adult kids are forced into a lose-lose. The hell you describe is real. I don't think this will ever be OK for me. My parents seem unlikely to awaken nor heal, I will always miss and grieve what I didn't have with them, and what I had with them. So many things unsaid. The hell vs peace comes in waves. It's been 2yrs. I'd also advise a spiritual practice for those embarking on this path. You'll need it.

[@MnM-xm5gv]

I am a 44 yr old woman no children and I too have gone through and felt similar.

[@realtownboy6763]

Ah yes..the familial cycle of abuse..my parents were abused kids too..but no surprises there. This can give us a starting place for forgiveness. Holding onto the bitterness is a burden that we can choose to reject . Peace to you Daniel.

[@foolyanr.1]

Hey can you write more about your journey? You seem to be the only person in this comment-section who solved the problem of blaming the parents... instead you found peace. As you said: you forgive them. Proud of you!

[@realtownboy6763]

@@foolyanr.1 I could, but it would be similar in content to many others' stories. If i were to reduce the process to its bear bones, then for me the essential elements were/are: 1) Learn to forgive yourself. 2)Learn to 'self-parent'. 3)Be mindful of the comfort you get from blaming others when used to soothe yourself. I forgave them, because I recognised the fragility ( and sometimes stupidity) of the human condition.

[@allthe1]

What use is forgiveness if forgiveness is not asked for? This doesn't help them grow. This does not help them gain counciousness of the wrong they have done. This doesn't get them to want to take responsibility. In fact, forgiving guilty people in avance just takes their responsability away. I think what you propose here amounts to buying peace, and self-sacrifice.

[@roxydina7615]

You are brilliant and brave. A Phoenix rising from the ashes....

[@LiftingUrVeil-LUV]

I’m 42 and just broke away from family and I have no resources at all. Plus I got sick and had to get on disability so my incone is very limited . I hate this life I hate people and yet I still have so much hope that things can get better, I have to cause I fear if I lose that hope I will not wanna continue

[@joannalewis5279]

Thank you for another brilliant video on this topic that we share in our lived experience.

[@EECV88]

I broke away 5 months ago. And it has been the saddest, angriest and mourning time of my life. Still, don’t have the minimum intention to reconcile with my father.

[@BhavanaShivu]

I think we do them a favour as this gives them an opportunity to start looking within. Interestingly my Mother was loved as a child. My Father suffered from deep loss when he lost his Father at 5 and Mother at 15. He suffered from severe Bipolar was angry and beat us all, those are my memories from before 7. I remember him announcing he is going to kill himself. I was 9 at that time. My Mother used to physically, verbally and emotionally abuse throughout my childhood. My sister just 15 months older than me bullied me until she left for college. My younger brother 4 and a half years younger was always fighting with me which I did not mind, but then he would tell my parents that I was fighting with him at which point one of my parent beat me up many times until I was a teenager. I was the scapegoat of my family. I wanted to forget my childhood after I left for college but never shared this any of my friends. I studied hard and completed Ph.D.. Also married and had children. My golden rule for parenting was never to do what my parents did. But all my forgetting and forgiving did not work so well. At 35 I started cycling between anxiety and depression daily. I had sleep problems, anger issues, crying episodes and not wanting to do anything. I lost my career was in and out of many jobs, separated from my husband , was in another relationship for 4 years and diagnosed 10 years later with rapidly cycling bipolar disorder type II. I was not supported by any adults. My children supported me throughout. I was in and out of a few more relationships before giving up on finding love. Then I stumbled upon meditation that supported me for many years. I lost my extreme anger bouts and slowly my anxiety. My children completed college and also suffer watching me suffer and supporting to the best of their capacity . I have done so much grieving with them. I still feel helpless and not good enough, lots of guilt for not being a good enough parent. Complete misfit in this world. I finally broke up with my parents just before I turned 50 figuring out that they were the real cause of my suffering. My Father projected his Bipolar on me and my Mother her inadequacy and shame. I recently started looking for support and found this channel very helpful. Thank you Daniel!!! Love….

[@3nrika]

That was very validating for me. I'm in a situation like this right now and I know the wager is precisely my self-esteem, self-respect and ultimately mental health versus their Luciferian bargain of support at the expense of abuse, being erased from the family will etc. I don't think I can live with the latter so I default at the former. Time to grow strong.

[@hybridmongrel]

This is a revelation! But in another way it isn't, it's so obvious to me now. Thank you so very much Daniel and I hope you feel at peace this moment and in the future.

[@realtownboy6763]

Daniel. i wonder if you have seen any Sam Vaknin videos. I have met him ( twice) ...initially NOT impressed, but recently, he is showing real signs of growth and empathy. Hard for him...but that in itself is cause for hope.

[@vlogcity1111]

It seems like Empathy for other only because it gives him validation and supply. Is that real empathy? I’m not so sure, I do think improvement is possible

[@everything5066]

I hate that i still love them so much . I still get nightmares of them dying ..

[@leann262]

Sometimes I think I will always feel like a “bad daughter.” My parents are so oblivious to the chaos they’ve sowed that that’s the only interpretation they’ll allow themselves: their “bad seed ingrate daughter”

[@everything5066]

@@leann262 I'm so sorry. It sure is painful as hell

[@rasmusa9212]

I have in a way a kinda similar situation, in my case, it is not parents but rather the country of birth, but same kinda treatment from others. People think it is part of my identity, and dont understand that it is all over, keep telling me stories related to the country or things related to it that I dont consider worthy of knowing and listening to and keep asking me questions that I dont see worthy of answering.

[@realtownboy6763]

Drifting away may be easier than making a full on break( for everyone)...just my opinion.

[@frankpeter6851]

I'd like to hear you talk about where you think you got this facility for recognizing your self-worth?

[@jolandak8556]

Interesting subject, maybe Daniel can answer... About the positive influences in the life of an abused and/or neglected child that make survival possible, and help to gradually turn suffering into strength. About how strong and resilient children are, and the preconditions of resilience.

[@matilda4406]

Because it's so painful people are reluctant to do it, and they continue to live sub-par

[@scottcooper8942]

Im seeing the same thing with our government people being loyal to them no matter what the cost

[@sophia6955]

The 6 people that didn't like this are just Daniel's dad on 6 dif accounts

[@dougn2350]

Poor Daniel. I feel for ya bud.

[@paulmyers9049]

Maybe in 100 years people will have inspiration to defeate the horror and depravity of honor culture and abuse from us, what was laid down today.. we dont mater less or more than they do, its TRUE. We just cease what we can, and have restraint and keep trying and be humble.. in time. ages move the earth.. It's hard to do so much and expect change, when we dont even understand when all we want seems so bizzare and wrong even to what the majority deem as right

[@melsplanty8444]

There’s so much here wow again....thank you for making and sharing this video Daniel!! 🤔😭🖤 It’s really interesting and helpful, for me and I bet it will be for a lot of people who want to and/or are experiencing breaking from their parents... Lots of feelings and thoughts about this, likely will end up adding another long comment sometime soon...Current attitude towards parents (even with my existent empathy) is one of metaphorically and literally 😏 “you’ll have to take me to court and i’ll drag you to filth” long story short This may be in your books (am reading) but thought of journaling Q- “in what ways am I dependent on and “need” my parents?” Then: “f@&% that! How can I change this? (write about next to each one)” ....Also (at the risk of sounding very life coachy though im “into” self development and coaching🤣) “How can I take my power back?” That said these wouldn’t be to disregard one’s healing process, further reflections, grieving and emotions of course...

[@melsplanty8444]

*thankfully im strong enough to (at the very least) distance myself from them in many ways, due to some luck and other circumstances (certain treasured friends, work, lifelong interest in “self development” and resources, creativity, mental (including emotional) and physical health- which could have been much worse no doubt had the parents had their way which is what i have to remember because it’s easy to forget and diminish and think im really making it into too big a deal, when feeling more comfortable and safe long story short 🙃

[@melsplanty8444]

And thankfully because of my sister (very long story short)

[@spenny9274]

UGHT OH! Taking responsibility for parents (boomer in particularly) is their Kryptonite. Parents subconsciously fall into a “set it and forget it” state of mind once those anchor babies arrive.

[@pod9363]

Was just listening to the Molyneux interview where you talked about wondering if you completed the second Breaking from Your Parents part loool

[@laraparks7018]

They leave you no choice but to walk away when all they do is judge and put you down, but you can't say anything about who they are or what they do When you cannot accept or change unhealthy relational dynamics, you must leave They're spiritual rapists and murderers. I'm done

[@waynemizer4912]

Perfectly stated.

[@laraparks7018]

@@waynemizer4912 ty

[@realtownboy6763]

I managed to break from my mother after she died( of course that is a VEERY abridged version! lol) My father is still alive and a collapsed narcissist( or at the very least a toxic person) . But..he is my father and so I choose to love and help him, whether he deservers it or not. Having said that, I wont take any crap from him..its easier than most think. walk away when he is playing up....help when it is needed. No more no less. Having said that ...it is a painful process..but at the risk of sounding trite..no pain no gain. This is true.

[@dougn2350]

Is that a working fireplace?

[@magdalena.slavova]

broken-hearted family

[@ola6482]

I couldn't break up with my parents because they needed my financial help.

[@realtownboy6763]

Mine also divorced...typing IRL as i watch ..It would have been better if they had divorced when I was young..we seem to have had similar experiences...the affairs ( which I was privvy to from a very young age) were probably far worse than the divorve..which left me almost catatonic for a couple of days ( aged 15) BTW..EVEERYBODY loved my folks! But ..they didnt see what went on behind closed doors..and that is possibly a good thing, in some respects.

[@wizetek]

Foo cult

[@ethanschneider2422]

?