Breakups: Hoping ‘one day they’ll realize your worth?’

Are you waiting and hoping that one day your ex will realize your worth? Here’s why you’re stuck in a loop, obsessed and yearning for a ‘good review’ (to make them return):
Liz writes, “Hi Susan, was dumped a few months ago and after gaining perspective on the situation, I realize that she did not have empathy for me during our relationship and in general it was not a healthy relationship. A little voice kept telling me she wasn’t the one. Despite knowing this, I find myself getting caught in loops of hoping that one day she will realize what a catch I am and change. Advice?”
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[@robertschrader]

If someone can't see your worth when you're right in front of them, you shouldn't turn around if they end up chasing after you later.

[@mlantieri]

Hi Susan........here's the litmus test. Remove the sex from the equation and ask yourself " what does she (or he) really offer me that I can't live without?". The answer for the enlightened is always "nothing" and then you can move on to bigger and better things !

[@viviancampbell1331]

Spot on

[@SusanWinter]

I love what you just said, because I said those exact same words to a friend of mine she’s dating a despicable human being, who is lazy, self involved, and a total “taker.” and if it weren’t for the amazing sex, she wouldn’t give him the time of day.

[@ANB44]

THIS IS THE ONE! Wow. Great comment.

[@MikeJackson690]

They won't realise anything. Give yourself the time you need to get over them, then rebuild your life. Forget them. And if they come back, don't even entertain it.

[@pamyang2]

I LOOOOVE Susan so much!! It has been almost a year of my breakup and I’m still in the loop of obsession, of dreams, of waiting for the regret of my dumper. It has been exhausted and emotional until I discovered Susan. I love her with her hard truth by telling us not to wait around, they are not thinking about us, they are not coming back instead of other coaches promoting no contact and posting videos saying they will be back, they miss us so much. She teaches us how to really let go of the false hopes, reevaluate and relive us by ourselves.

[@44Stephieb]

Needed this! I am finally focusing on me! I got tired of leaving the keys to my happiness in someone else’s pocket.

[@SusanWinter]

Wow! Stephanie, that’s brilliant. Leaving the keys to your happiness in someone else’s pocket!!

[@ronaldharrison3005]

Not every couple is meant to last and a person may not realize your worth until you're separated. If you were a good partner, it may take weeks, months or years before they understand they had a great thing in you. The person who broke up with you may be incapable of seeing your worth too, no matter how much time passes. Move on to the next person and keep your eyes open for the person who truly sees the value in you.

[@SusanWinter]

Bravo. Absolutely fantastic!

[@lieliebaby]

For 9 years I wanted to be seen by my partner. He always saw the little flaws in me, innocent comments about gaining a couple of pounds, about the imperfections on my skin, about a double chin when lying in bed watching tv. I left the relationship a year ago. I lost weight, got in shape, better than when I just met him 9 years ago, better than I've been in my life. Now, I'm getting to know someone new, someone that doesn't get tired of telling me that I am so sexy and smart and how lucky he is to have met me. After 6 months of no contact, my Ex texted me for my birthday, the one day he wouldn't remember even while living together. BUT I no longer need his approval. :D

[@chimps7777777]

I’ve been stuck on an ex..accepting the downgrade to friends, giving and giving, being more and more disrespected and finally realizing he fits the bill of a covert narcissist. I dealt with overt narcissists but didn’t know about covert. I’m finally going to go to therapy to help me get out of keeping someone on a pedestal who can’t and doesn’t want my love and presence.

[@flowerpower4944]

Sending healing and Love 💝,I be been there,.💡💡💞💞

[@SusanWinter]

I’m so sorry for your situation, but I’m glad that you’re now in therapy and working on this. As a general rule, I do not advise being a “friend“ when you really want to be a lover. There are only a very few and rare cases where this might work. But sometimes the lessons we learn come the hard way. I wish you all the best and I’m here for you. Should you need to work on it

[@Dorafran86]

They should rather let you go than downgrade. Been though similar situation. They stopped texting and meeting me, yet, would still be present, clearly as a "colleague". They did not even ask me, how I felt about this, and if I wanted things to go this way. And they weren't even helpful or caring for me, like a friend would. I saw them flirting with others and occasionally, talk to me when I was around. Eventually, I got so tired with all this I told them we should not speak with each other at all.

[@abdullahalasif9882]

@@Dorafran86 one of my friend is in this kind of situation. Can you suggest him any remedy? Will he feel better with time?

[@chimps7777777]

@@SusanWinter thank you so much. I always turn to you! This has been a rough, rough ride.

[@sgaf7001]

I'm no longer waiting for him to appreciate my worth. He already chose someone else. I'm gonna start my 2023 without him or else I would just beat myself up, I swear. If ever he realized what he lost, idgaf anymore. Let's start our 2023 with a peace of mind and let's just focus on our personal goals.

[@ScottH7651]

actually, I'm realizing THEIR value and how much I inflated their value and deflated mine. good riddance you nightmare ex

[@farewell259]

I just wanna say once more how much I admire your composure, elegance, self-awareness and eloquence. I cannot imagine the amount of work on yourself you've have to put to be who you are today, and how painful and challenging it surely was at times, so when I hear you and see you speak I can only watch in awe and deep admiration. I've said it before and I'll say it again: more than to get into a partnership, I just aspire to someday feel in my skin a lil bit like you do, and to your level of peace and wisdom.

[@Carrollavirus]

I don’t mean to sound intrusive, or creepy, but I felt compelled to comment on how gorgeous you are.

[@lymanmayhew935]

You must see your own worth first before anyone else can see it! 😘

[@SusanWinter]

Absolutely!!

[@lymanmayhew935]

@Susan Winter 😘 you are fabulous Susan!

[@hushpuppies872]

If they don't see your worth the first time they won't ever see it again. Truth!!

[@user-iw2lf4lc9y]

I was dating someone for three months then dumped. She said “ I am crazy to not want someone like you, you are so kind etc but I don’t have the time for a relationship right now” I figured she hasn’t been with someone who had been so nice to her. She was used to an ex who was toxic

[@lucasmilitao]

Dude, I went through somehting similar, also dated this girl for three months. During that time, it was an awesome relationship for me. She had a very very toxic relationship in the past, where the guy would control her, use sex to manipulate her, cheat on her, etc. One time she even said that she was in such a healthy relationship that she wasn't used to it, and didn't know how to act. Well, a week after that, she had a big argument with her mother and realized she was in an early depression state, even thought of killing herself. A month after that, she broke up with me saying that she wasn't ready for a relationship, and needed to focus on healing herself from her past traumas and take care of her mental health ( she had very low self steem, felt like a burden all the time). It was sad, because I wanted to help her so bad, once I loved her to death, but I had to respect her decision and her need to heal herself.

[@hilea.m.z4460]

@@lucasmilitao well my ex dumped me because I was going thru something…. Feel sad that people cancel on you and they only want the honeymoon phase

[@lucasmilitao]

@@hilea.m.z4460 I'm very sorry for you. If he abandoned you on your most vulnerable moment, and when you needed him the most, he's simply not the right person for you. You'll find someone who give you the value you deserve, and that will stick with you, no matter what. In the meantime, focus on yourself, doing things that bring you happiness.

[@rockerrrboy8501]

It's been two years since my big break up, and right now I've been having these exact same thoughts. This said break up not only was measured by the fact that she didn't acknowledge my worth, but the fact that she pretty much destroyed my trust in her. Sometimes I just wish this acknowledgement from her just to realize that all that effort, all that pain, everything, was for something, that our love meant something, not just for me. edit: when we were together, she commented to me that she regretted what she did with her previous ex, that she recognized his worth and her actions, the thing that would motivate they getting back some months after, that's why sometimes this loop reemerges, it's just me retracting to that situation of not being chosen, outside of the first two months after the break up, she never reached out.

[@w.23087]

Excellent contant as always but some noises with the mic makes it difficult to listen to.

[@SusanWinter]

@@w.23087 yes I really like the content but I did notice that the microphone was hitting my silk blouse. Sorry for that. Hope you got the information you need it anyway.

[@SusanWinter]

It’s excellent that you can see it for what it is. But the fact that you’re still waiting and hoping with disallowed that result. Oddly, when you no longer need her approval or her “good review“ that’s when you’ll get it. Thank you for your honest share.

[@gordonandyu]

omg. I have been dealing with this exact question for many years now. I have prayed, every morning and night, that my ex would realize my worth and would either beg to have me back or live in deep regret. I'm so happy this video came up in my suggestions. thank you so much for helping us heal.

[@Ginmabes]

I JUST had this conversation with my parents! I was saying arrrgh I just wish I could tell him all the things I am mad about and I wish he would feel sad that he has lost me!! They said at the end of the day WHO CARES, you've left him in the dust, be glad about that. I adore your videos, Susan, you've helped me immensely over the past few months and I check back regularly when I have a low moment.

[@SusanWinter]

Francis thank you for your lovely note. I’m terribly sorry for how you have felt about this former relationship. And it’s appalling how some people leave a week of destruction once they’ve entered your heart. Your parents are right, but it feels a long way from where you are right now. But the funny thing about this is when you’re waiting to get the answer it’s like waiting for water to boil. I promise you the minute you no longer need him to miss you, want you, and realize what a jerk he was.. that’s when he’ll get the memo

[@abdullahalasif9882]

Same here..

[@aidanjack3094]

Been a month since I was dumped I don’t feel like I need her back it’s just kinda hard for me to communicate with people. When she dumped me she told me all my “problems” and what she couldn’t get over when it came to me. But what annoys me is she never said any of those things were problems and never even hinted to them being something wrong other than her going “random subject change because you know I love doing that”. If she just said she didn’t like any of these things if she just communicated I would of known and worked on them but I guess in her mind I wasn’t worthy of saying anything. So annoying when someone doesn’t wanna communicate definitely shows immaturity.

[@aidanjack3094]

Her friends still talk to me because they really liked me and I don’t like hearing anything about her because of course I’m trying to move on. But they keep telling me about how she’s letting herself go and she’s just to accepting help from anyone it’s really confusing you’d think after dumping someone you’d be all high spirited but it seems she’s never been so depressed.

[@roma17cesare]

That "on going audition" thing ,hit me hard... That's how I had felt all the time during my relationship with my ex... That 's the word I was looking for.. Its exhausting and I think it comes from our parents behaviour towards us during our childhood. .. We need the approval and recognition we didn't get, to get our value from others... This is not healthy and we need to work on this all the time, but there is no other way... Thank you...

[@user-fk8rb8ue5h]

I know it's hard, don't I just, but the goal is to forget they ever existed and get on with your life.

[@mackygee3773]

Or to reframe its importance. Putting it in the past, for sure.

[@neroinka]

Your channel + therapy + proper medications = a better life. Thank you for the wisdom and support you share with all of us! Your videos are like a virtual hug. Hope you have a wonderful Christmas! Greetings from Poland:)

[@SusanWinter]

Thank you Nina in Poland!

[@sepparo3977]

I love what you wrote Nina, Add meditation to your recipe and we will get better x

[@litzburger]

Thank you Susan. I've been told I deserve better by my ex and I've been wishing for these past few months that my ex would reach out to tell me they've made a mistake. These videos keep me grounded.

[@SusanWinter]

Wonderful!

[@titanniki412]

She told me in a video she made & sent me.. Mom Loves you & says He's a Keeper! Mom said to me a few times I need to take you home with me. I didn't lose her SHE LOST ME!!!

[@RodrigoSilva-fs7lo]

Susan, thank you so much for your kind words, it is really helping me

[@justina1713]

Susan you really are amazing and have such a talent with words. So grateful for your videos.

[@petralee574]

Beautiful post - I have gone the self improvement route - the rewards cannot be adequately described - perhaps a deep sense of peace and satisfaction? The sense of satisfaction and pride of not needing someone else’s validation is priceless.

[@Sarafara7]

Wonderful as always, Susan. Thank you

[@sammielisabeth4928]

I had to watch this twice to really soak up the message...definitely needed to hear this 🙏

[@SusanWinter]

Right back at you Samm! ❤❤❤

[@cuteafff]

This is so helpful!! And your books help so much as well, thank you!!

[@zepago4253]

The BEST video you have put out! Thank you Susan. Much love from TX.

[@SusanWinter]

Wow, thank you! BIG ELECTRONIC HUG!!!!

[@ronaldharrison3005]

Thanks for everything you do Susan. Watch your videos every week.

[@SusanWinter]

You're the best! Thank you for being a YT Family member!!

[@TheGabrielberki]

Yes, I'm gonna keep on shining!

[@hafsakomal3355]

Omg great talk i really needed it right now

[@RRthee1]

Thank you, Susan! This was much needed.

[@SusanWinter]

So glad!

[@simonrioss]

why is your timing perfect😂 2 days ago, I broke up with someone (situationship) because I found out that person was into open relationships. Yes, it’s hurting me now, but I realize that it’s better now than for me to have known that in 6 months. Thank you for your content

[@SusanWinter]

So happy to read this

[@sisteranastasia9101]

Thanking my Lord for that ! ❤️💖🥰 Perfect timing! Susan ur amazing and I love that your videos are a bit longer than usual lately, just love it !!!! Thank u so much for your time

[@SusanWinter]

I'm so glad!

[@krisztinakovacs2604]

Perfect timing as always! This is crazy! ❤

[@SusanWinter]

I absolutely love it when I hear this response. And it happens very often. You know I have about four or five available at all times and I just randomly pick whatever I feel like picking for that day. So I’m glad that this was the video you needed to hear at this exact time.

[@johns.1710]

You always post exactly how I am feeling Suzan... Also lately I have been worrying if I will always be alone without someone by my side. How many more talking stages till I meet something worth my time ? I am exhausted and each time it doesn't end up in something meaningful my mental health keeps worsening. Is it worth it at this point ? I really want it but I always come so close to touching it but I never really am.

[@SusanWinter]

John, it sounds like you need a break from dating altogether. Just let yourself chill. Take a little dating detox. Do some self indulgent self healing stuff that you really enjoy. Put it all aside and when you feel curious again, open up Your mind to receiving someone wonderful

[@jlina]

I am 65 and feel like this is my last rodeo. That really adds the pressure! Hang in there and it will get better and yes I believe it is worth it.

[@johns.1710]

@@SusanWinter yes Susan you are absolutely right. It's just that sometimes you notice time flying and your goals still not met that makes you feel like shit. But definitely this is a time for a break. Forever grateful for all that you do for us in your platform!

[@sepparo3977]

I want to think that it is never the last rodeo. We live longer and it is lovely to have someone by one-side even if it is to enjoy a plate of fresh pasta or a big red sweet tomato salade. 🙂

[@sialee5926]

I wouldn’t hold my breath..lol! Looking lovely as usual Susan💕

[@SusanWinter]

😊 thank you

[@frankdapkus3749]

Susan , absolute perfect timing fo me. I've thought someday she'd look back and rethink how much we had together. Honestly, I think she didn't respect me, the talent I have on restoring homes. Thank you so much Susan, you are so genuine . Love watching your videos and Merry Christmas to you and Nikka! From the mountains of North Carolina !

[@SusanWinter]

Frank!! Nikka and I thank you!

[@SusanWinter]

We wish you a very Merry Christmas!!

[@jeanp.1303]

Maybe one day they will, maybe not. Self value will keep our ego from obsessing over whether they do or not.

[@climax050]

It does happen. But it's a slow burn. It's amazing fuel to try and make yourself into a being of such power and importance that they'll have no choice but to look back and go "damn". The great art is to be able to use that fuel and make it happen but be doing it for yourself and using it to break the power the breakup holds over us. People can realize what they're missing and come back, maybe they needed that time to grow or change or didn't know what they had, but whether or not you should let them back in is different. It seems unwise generally speaking to give someone a second chance when they didn't appreciate you the first time. My coping mechanism is to assume that those people see my work and that people tell them and say "woah have you seen him now he looks like a bodybuilder?" and all the other variations of that. I don't expect them to come back, but I leave the door ajar just in case and to show the world my work and who I've become. If I really need a boost I engage my ego and quote Bret Hart from WWE and tell myself that in her life I am "the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be", it's not a fix but it helps with the pain.

[@flowerpower4944]

Susan you always give sound Advice,I just love your videos ,💞💞💡💡💡

[@SusanWinter]

Oh thank you!

[@LuisArias-ui5dw]

Another great video Susan awesome advice Happy Holidays ❤🌹🎄

[@SusanWinter]

Happy holidays!

[@mackygee3773]

This was a good perspective, thanks

[@SusanWinter]

My pleasure!

[@ChrisLT]

Good stuff as always, Susan. Cut through to what needs to be said. I still find myself in this sort of "loop" now and then and it's nice to hear you basically say "it's normal but snap out of it!" The ongoing audition point really hit home.

[@SusanWinter]

Fantastic Chris I’m really happy that this worked for you. Remember, it’s a normal response to feel down hearted when we’ve been rejected. That means we have feelings and we are having a healthy natural response. But we cannot allow ourselves to sit in that place and dig in. The action step that’s required is the mentally go to “future forward”

[@donaldgansky5907]

Very informative Thanks

[@JA-er6xx]

Great video!!!

[@jlina]

Susan is genius! Sad news but.... Dang you got to admire the thinking behind it and the explanation!

[@SusanWinter]

THANK YOU Jlina

[@Oxfordstudios]

I’m slowly getting past it. I did my best, made some mistakes. She’s with someone (or so it seems on social media) honestly I hope she’s happy. She’s not the women I hope for her to be and I don’t ever see her doing a 180 for anyone. It definitely hurt, but the more I tried to fight it the worst it became, until I stopped.

[@lilitLun]

4:44 wow this is so true! 💋❤

[@alexflips393]

Merry Christmas Susan. I can’t get on your live streams (2nd job).

[@SusanWinter]

That’s OK, dear Alex, you can always watch the reruns. Or you can send me a video request. Make sure to sign your name! That way I know who you are.

[@undeadMahrukh]

if you are gold, know ur value, not everyone has an eye of a goldsmith to know ur real value.

[@lucianocisneros805]

Human psyque longs justice, Susan. That's why we want to impart it, if we for once have the ability to impart it, we sure as hell will. We all seek balance, and when someone wrongs us, maybe we will lose hope of fixing things with them, but hope moves another direction, it NEVER disappears, in some cases hope moves to another person in the future and some times moves to the world and around things we could have some kind of impact, like justice. Knowing that this person would realize what they have lost, brings that balance of justice. Of course it feels good, but we spent our entire life being surrounded by injustice in the world and not being able to change a single thing about it, but now that we might have some kind of impact over it, well, we wouldn't mind not being just an spectator. So it's much more like a justice seeking behavior, rather than giving thoughts of care on something and or somone that wronged us.

[@ya1973]

Why do I need this validation to feel worthy ? 😢

[@SusanWinter]

If you don’t, that’s awesome. Some people feel so overinvested and depleted that they need to find some kind of reward, appreciation, or gratitude.

[@badassbenny1010]

Good question! I love the zoom group thing? Thank you madam! However, in native culture, we are not made to be alone. I have been alone as a young child, and now almost and elder at 55. I'm listening and learning. I do process and take in what is necessary. Higher spirtual realm iam not into boxes. I live a spirtual daily life.

[@SusanWinter]

Thanks for sharing!

[@user-lw7qo4cf2s]

Somehow that lady always protects the women and justify all acts taken by them

[@ya1973]

I also find myself thinking his new gfs are worthier then I ever was to him.

[@SusanWinter]

Not necessarily and that is not good for you to do. You’re rubbing salt in the wound. They will find out what you already know. It’s just a matter of time.

[@ya1973]

@@SusanWinter thank you for your response Susan 🙏🏼

[@Girlgetup__]

Just got broken up with and my ex said he feels absolutely nothing for me and that no matter how many times he says it.. I am not “the one”.

[@Youtubewonderer]

🙏🏻

[@lyndamcmullen5506]

❤❤❤

[@SusanWinter]

Thanks Lynda

[@sirThomas95]

More like "one day she'll regret losing me" 😂

[@debralondon2402]

Fantasy. Make believe wastes time.

[@sevenriversrummi5763]

[ 💘 ]

[@cheezinhoweree]

Guys think with your big head not your little head and you'll realize your worth and she will too and by that time you probably won't even want her or 95% of em