Brene Brown vs bell hooks: women who advocate for men

[@PlatinumAltaria]

Patriarchy is not a men vs. women issue, it is those who favour strict hierarchical roles vs. those who want freedom from that structure. There are women who uphold patriarchy, and there are men working to end it. By tricking people into fighting a gender war, patriarchy de facto enlists all men into its ranks.

[@zacharybosley1935]

Gold

[@adrianaloborec2205]

Great insight!

[@fuminek0]

The biggest misogynysts I've interacted with in my life were -ironically so, women.

[@sen7826]

Whether people agree with it or not, the truth is that the word and its etymological implications matter to people. This is the same reason why some people are averse to the use of the word "feminism" to refer to what it actually is. I have said this before, and I will say this again. What words we use affects how people think about those concepts.

[@zacharybosley1935]

@@sen7826 as useful as that framework is, there is a trap in the expectation that people will intuit the meaning from every word they hear. Part of the conversation is giving people the best tools to integrate the words they hear into a cohesive map of the world. Part of the strategy has to be pushing people past the initial discomfort into a deeper comprehension.

[@jujubesification]

The patriarchy is fueling and using male anger and hate for profit. It's not easy to (re)connect to emotions. I'm a woman and as I riled up against my designated role within this system, I just became more rational and looked down on my emotions (seriously oversimplified). Now I'm reconnecting and I can tell you, it's a lot of work. Men need support systems on how to do this!

[@dragonfox2.058]

And they can make them like they say they did everything else

[@youteacher78]

I think that's a result, not a goal of patriarchy, because history in itself is a blind process, without explicit goals. Patriarchy keeps repeating itself because it's needs fresh blood all time, new areas to conquer, new people to subjugate, because otherwise, just like any other empire, it will eat itself. So men and women raised under patriarchy will inflict it upon others to protect themselves from imploding. From the fear that all the pain, the hurt, the frustration and anger have been for nothing. That they have been terrible for nothing. That would be to much to bare. So they'll project it outwards and find new victims. 😢

[@lillola9307]

@@dragonfox2.058Funny thing is they don’t even have to make them. It’s already there. They just gotta attend, stop making fun of the ones who joined before them and stop neglecting the plethora of resources that have been actively available to them for decades. Therapy already exists, so does group therapy, OSHA, Boy Scouts and globally acknowledged sports teams. Men have to stop making their safe spaces toxic for each other. Gay isn’t a insult nor should it be a slur to throw around, especially when your being open with others. Therapy (true therapy that doesn’t just pander to what you already think but breaks down the true root and what to do to stop thinking/acting/or start thinking a way) is a safe place to feel. And Boy Scouts and athletic groups are communities of guidance and interpretations of confidence that have been spoiled by a lack of oversight or true care about boys from child to teens mental emotional and physical health, by other men. Y’all gotta be real with other men and tell them to stop ruining spaces you all want to participate in with hierarchal macho man women wrong cause women women BS.

[@dragonfox2.058]

@@lillola9307 Totally agree. You wouldn't believe how many I see whining online that they're "lonely™" and then, get all bent out of shape when we tell them to fix themselves...and the names they call us! It's hilarious

[@zacharybosley1935]

@dragonfox2.058 there's a grim humor in the ways pain manifests. That's what the punchline of hurting people is.

[@Moikyuu]

My husband is a very complex, emotionally vulnerable, sweet and loving man. He's one of those guys that tears up at movies. He'll get sheepish and say "I wish I wasn't such a sap". I tell him that I LOVE that he's a sap. It shows me how big his heart is and how much love he has to give. It doesn't make him any less of a man. Men, if the women in your life treat you like you can't have feelings, I am so sorry. Many feminists like myself have learned that the patriarchy hurts EVERYONE, including men. And nothing is more manly than being so secure in your masculinity that you don't need other people to define it for you. Paint that picture. Cry at that movie. Baby talk to your dog. We love seeing you show your love and kindness! The women who can't understand that or love you for who you are don't deserve you!

[@dalailarose1596]

My partner won me over by showing me his favorite pictures of cute baby animals 😊

[@autumn7157]

This is so important! I have an ex (we just weren’t good fits,) that was such a caring person, but he struggled with talking about himself because his ex wife had made him feel like his priorities at his job and hobbies and passions weren’t grand enough. It got to the point where she was frustrated with him for not living up to this idea she had built in her head about his ambitions to the point where he just stopped talking about himself at all. It was hard for him to get used to the idea that I genuinely cared about his life on his terms, and wasn’t looking for anything else. 😭

[@nanzyz]

Same. 💜

[@apachewraith]

Guys like that are a dime a dozen. Mostly living in the friendzone waiting for the target woman to run out of options and settle down.

[@ChaoticAuthenticity]

​@@apachewraith there's no such thing as the "friendzone" any guy who claims there is isn't the good guy they think they are

[@KatMo7121]

My ex's father was a Vietnam veteran who was trained to be a violent bully by the army. My ex was abusive to me and our 3 children, so I divorced him. When my oldest son turned 30, he confronted me with how much damage my protecting him from his father, supporting his art and aversion to violence, and teaching him to respect women had done to him. He told me that he was bullied in and out of school, beaten up, and ostracized because he was "too soft," and as a consequence of that, became addicted to opiates. My son basically blamed me for not being more like the "father" who broke his leg when he was 3 and went to jail for child abuse! I can't fight everyone and every system, while being a single parent with one wage! What we need is a total social revamp, NOT what is happening now- a return to the most abusive, patriarchal era of American history, from 1900 to 1999!

[@zacharybosley1935]

There's a question there of how to protect boys from becoming patriarchs. If the home cannot protect them And the world will not protect them Where do men go to see worlds where they can be better?

[@domeatown]

@@KatMo7121 I wouldn't read too much into the words of an addict. Addicts will say whatever they can. If anything, there may be some truth in what he is saying. But he or you or both of you are landing on the wrong things. I can't pick sides on that, because I am an estranged kid. But I can say... You are correct that the real answer is always one layer deeper. The reasons that stand out on the surface are all just the easiest ones to look at right now.

[@nzingahoney]

No, we need self-defense education for those likely to be bullied, those female or males considered soft.

[@girletherial]

In this era of social media driven movements, it should begin with women trolling patriarchal men for being un-s3xy. Create pressure on them that makes them want to change their behavior and image.

[@nathanmstroud]

​@@domeatownThere is truth in everything people say

[@jungersrules]

As a woman I find frustration with misogynistic women. They, for whatever reason, want the continuation of these types of men to be in charge. SMH.

[@Nerobyrne]

Probably because they think they personally will be better off because they're house wives of rich men. Keep in mind that the ERA failed because women were afraid they'd have to go to war.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

They think that they're "not like other women". However, now they're complaining that the boys at school are insulting/threatening their daughters and saying: "YOUR body, MY choice".

[@JaneAustenAteMyCat]

@@rejectionisprotection4448 Good God that's horrifying. They're really saying that? Why don't schools take harrassment and SA seriously?

[@Nerobyrne]

They are usually wealthy women who believe they have something to lose from becoming equal to men.

[@leightonolsson4846]

They vote Trump, think it takes a 'man' to lead a country and a household. They don't recognise that excessively individualistic attitudes to behaviour, ability and personality limit and damage everyone. They are religious often - evangelical Christian, prey to cognitive dissonance and and often think women should dependent on a man because that's the natural order (those in power who think like this are 'the exception' - cognitive dissonance).

[@domeatown]

Exactly. The entire structure keeps us low. It's not men vs. women. It's men and women vs. this terrible burden. Since when is art girly. Even if it were, since when is being girly bad. All to appease the most chaotic person in the room.

[@ZeauWhat]

I never got that. The largest and well known names in cooking, fashion, and art are almost all men. These are human acts. Some of the key things that make us different from all other life on this planet

[@hatter5834]

Omg, you're so right about the chaotic person thing. We need to stop appeasing the most chaotic in society to the detriment of everyone else

[@domeatown]

@@hatter5834 one thing I have been learning recently is that much of my life is and has been centered around me meeting people at their chaos. Instead of asking them to come to my turf, I am fighting them on theirs. From matching their points on politics with counterpoints, fighting personal attacks with rebuttals, to even little things. I always end the argument, for sure. I'm tough and cool and whatever. Loose, progressive. But. They still started it. I'm still on their turf. Both Mom and Dad were cruel here. Mom was the cruelest of all. But they were on uncle's turf. Uncle set up the cards and mom delivered the final blow. All in the name of appeasement. One game changer for me recently, upon this discovery, has been a couple clean words. "I am aware of your opinion." No rebuttal. No follow up. Nada. Skip right past it. Bam. On to the next thing. I've been using it in conversation and it's just... The game is changed.

[@domeatown]

@@hatter5834 I'm still arguing on the internet because... Well, I actually love arguing on the internet. But in real life? It's like the whole world has always been a balloon world and I just popped it. Negging? "I am aware of your opinion." Smart remark? "I am aware of your opinion." Criticism? "I am aware of your opinion." Over the phone? In person? Close up? Far away? Mean? Polite, but meant to hurt? "I am aware of your opinion." The world is just crumbling around me now. And I am aware of its opinion.

[@domeatown]

@hatter5834 I have changed absolutely everything in my life basically overnight by telling people I am aware of their opinion and then just brushing right by it. No more. No more.

[@dayharper9637]

Some fun facts: 1) "bell hooks" should not be capitalized, per hooks' own wishes and conventions 2) Brown's more direct and extensive address of gender issues can be found in the workshop "Men, Women, and Worthiness" which is great and I highly recommend it.

[@alst4817]

Pure intellectual masturbation, like Hooks herself.

[@dawndreamweaver8373]

"I don't know what more can be asked of women to get men to pay attention and listen." It's why we love your channel! It needs to come from men! 📢 Men need healthy male role models and personal, therapeutic relationships with other men in order to heal. They need other men to help them find the strength to fight the patriarchy within, the courage to be their full emotional and empathic selves, before they will be able to truly hear women. Thank you for your contributions to this work. 👏

[@TheAnimaAnimal]

The infuriating part is that they need to listen to men instead of women. All while saying "gender and representation don't matter" Women try, and men don't care. And as such I am increasingly becoming emotionally disconnected from men's struggles.

[@ravoress]

We need more healthy male role models for sure. Its easy to find 1000 toxic ones.. but the healthy ones? are hard to find. I think its in part to social media needing 'GRABBY' headlines or posts.. till anyone can get attention. Its also easy for us women to say "Men, ugh" due to our own life experiances, but we forget the good ones in the world.. because a shitty person will stay in your mind longer then a kind one will.. I suppose? hence social medias methods.. or how a convicted felon can be president , not because he brings good, but because he helps alot of ppl hold onto their hatred.. Its exhausting how many negative ppl are out there but for what its worth.. We do know there are those of you out there that continue your own struggles, and work through your own personal dilemmas or hells whilst trying to be better or trying to heal from things.. we are proud of you.. you are our hope for a better world too.. I hope you know that. We need a world where there are 1000s of yous, and less of the other ones.

[@grazinam.3640]

I've dealt with this first hand that no matter what I say to a man, he hears it as criticizm. If the same things were said by a man, they would listen. I had this happen so far with four different men and even though the situations were completely different the response was always the same - they see a female figure as their mother who is telling them how else they are failing in life, not seeing me as a person who is offereng help and support to overcome the things that prevent them from moving forward. At this point I have no idea how to solve that or how to communicate with men

[@TheAnimaAnimal]

@@grazinam.3640 At this point I see this as men's issue to resolve. The way I see it, women have had to struggle to deal with and reconcile the contradictions of the individual and societys view and expectations of us as women. Especially as a marginalized group, the same way other such groups have had to (think the way Bell Hooks speak of men vs black men for example). Men have been portrayed as superior, better, stronger and with a depth of importance to their individual personhood aka the "type of man" each man is. Their bodies and their person are both the standard and the best (strongest and smartest) as portrayed in society. Men are conditioned in society that the only way ever is up meanwhile womens experiences with success is more complicated (even when women succeed it is not valued as high as a man's success). They don't understand the concept of achieving success/smarts such as that woman who was set to become an amazing ballerina only to then quickly be saddled down to motherhood too quick and without room for herself. Or become an incredibly talented healer only to be tortured and burned as a witch the next. They live in this fantasy-land of meritocracy and without intersectionality while also knowing we're not in that same land.

[@LadyAstolat]

​@@grazinam.3640Exactly. If I see my husband struggling with something and I offer a suggestion or solution, no matter how delicate or tactful I try to be it's not helpful or he just ignores me. If I step in and handle it myself I'm walking on him. At the end of the day when we're talking about how our day is going, I have to frame my day as neutral as possible. If I have a good day and he perceives it as better than his day then I'm rubbing it in his face. If something suboptimal happened and I share it then I'm engaging in pity olympics and not caring about his feelings. I'm mostly sharing with my friends whom I only get to see at ladies night dinners about every 3 to 4 months. I'm just waiting for an "emotional infidelity" accusation at this point. My mom is a covert narcissist so a lot of how I talk to people when I'm sharing my thoughts and feelings I try to look at through the lens of "will I sound like my mom if I say this?" so I end up downplaying things a lot in my conversations, both good and bad. So even sharing at ladies night is hard as I'm always concerned that I'm being a drama queen or "dumping" on them.

[@KatieBoyd-e5f]

My husband does not know how to skip. He has a complete mental block with it because when he was a child, he was skipping around his house and his dad yelled “don’t skip! Only girls skip!” This absolutely burns me every time I think about it.

[@strangelyukrainian7314]

I think the disconnect between feminists advocating for men and the men who distrust that advocacy is this: The go to statement is that our society was created by patriarchy, and that this patriarchal structure controlled what both men and women could be, and was thus bad for equality. Men, hearing patriarchy being blamed for society’s ills, take offense and feel blamed themselves. They feel like blame is being assigned to them specifically by nature of how they were born. So we need to create a clear distinction here. From one man to another. We are not patriarchy. Patriarchy only refers to the fact that it was men at the top of the power structure. Men who controlled other men, and giving more control to other men. Taking down patriarchal structures is not about blaming men who also live under the cruel structure built for us. If we as men want out…then we need to stop accepting and identifying with the source of blame and start tearing down the system which hurts us.

[@phastinemoon]

Ehhhh… Thing is - systems ARE people. All of us ARE part of systems- including patriarchy. It sounds to me like the men who bristle at hearing “patriarchy” and feel like they’re being blamed are really just telling on themselves

[@jasperjanus8333]

@@phastinemoonI think it’s a both things are true at once. People do make up systems, and just like white fragility over calling out white supremacy, male fragility around the calling out the patriarchy does indicate underlying guilt/shame/cognitive dissonance. That there is personal work to be done. And at the same time people born into privilege were groomed into the system like we all are, and at some point on the journey we all need role models who we can see ourselves in. From there we all have to do our own work, but most people need a hopeful, real example to start from.

[@NovemberMe5213]

​@phastinemoon Patriarchy is just social culture. culture is formed by our behavior. we change our behavior thus We change culture we break down the system of patriarchy

[@kathybramley5609]

It's unrealistic to expect nobody to be hostile or angry ever - that's to the men who are reacting to the "telling on themselves" comment, feeling angry or trapped or vindicated or despairing and to many women feeling that as well. And that's not what the (false) dichotomy of this battle is: having feelings or not, or having hard feelings or soft. It's not that. That's not a realistic palette of emotions that we naturally have for a reason.

[@gillianbarth5927]

Agreed! The system is maintained by everyone perpetuating it and failing to recognize the damage it does to them as well as others. Change happens one person at a time, but it has to come from the individual recognizing the need for it. As long as a criticism of patriarchy is seen as criticism of self, that will be hard to achieve.

[@darin1660]

I think that when it comes to how men refuse to listen to women, even when women are directly trying to help them, it has a lot to do with the acknowledgement of abuse. It is hard to reconcile the idea for men that they have been abused at all because that would confirm to them that there is inherently something sensitive inside of them that is vulnerable to being hurt, which as pointed out, creates a struggle for them as sensitivity and vulnerability are elements of themselves they are told to get rid of. A lot of men's rhetoric about hearing women talk about their struggles is that they feel blamed for the way they are. For my ideas of how I try to solve this with men in my life, it starts by reassuring them that their emotions make them stronger and not weaker. "It's okay if something is getting to you, talking it through is what proper men do." It's hard to dispense with the language of masculine role models at the moment because a lot of men, I think, feel a loss of masculine identity, so it needs to be re-framed for them what masculine ideals are in the first place. Unfortunately a lot of what they are told are masculine role models are stoic, unfeeling, aggressive etc. So, it needs to be changed to healthier ideas for what a "real man" is before they can start to unpack gender expectations as a whole. Men in general seem to (wrongly) view women as their emotional facilitators as well. They expect that women are more emotional and thus more understanding, so when you combine that with men's thought process that being named a self-abuser, or abused by other men, which to them feels as if the responsibility is pinned on their shoulders, it creates a situation for them where they feel that the people who are "supposed" to facilitate their feelings (women) are also shunning them. Those are my ideas on it. I want to make it absolutely clear that it should not be the role of women to facilitate or soothe men's emotions, or do the work to repair their mental health. I wrote this because I wanted to hopefully give some thoughts on why men respond the way they do, even when women are actively trying to engage with them and help them. I hope this was a helpful comment. I would like to see a world where men can be supported by other men, as it should be, because I think right now a lot of men really destroy each other's emotional states and that sets this expectation that women should save them. (As was pointed out in the video!)

[@JaneAustenAteMyCat]

That's really interesting and I think you're right

[@ayceinquisitor190]

I also think you're right. It's not men's fault that theyve been abused like this for generations on end. It's hard to face the fact the reality theyve always known is a falsehood, and that not only do they have to change individually, but also culturally; their entire way of life upheaved. That's scary, that's sad, that's angering, but they're not the only ones feeling that way about it. But at the same time, they buy into rather obvious hypocrisies that any amount of critical thinking and "facing hard truths" exposes, but they feign ignorance so they can stay comfortable. They cant tolerate being uncomfortable (a fact that is true for many of us outside of gender struggles, but is especially true here) and they can't tolerate lacking control. I understand lacking control in the sense of one's own life and path. The world of the unknown is difficult to navigate, but change and growth supposed to be easy, it's never supposed to stop. Men have a big problem of choosing to stagnate; climbing corporate ladders for more money doesnt count as "not stagnating" cause money is part of the problem. They buy into ONE WAY to exist, a prescription of power fantasy manhood instead of embracing authentic selfhood (the artist whose creative self was destroyed, for example). Wanting women to help them instead of men feeds into the perpetuation of this growth problem, because theyve always relied on women for help and played a pickme game with men. Only men can redefine and reestablish what their interpersonal relationships with each other look like. Men have to choose to help themselves take the first steps and find the adequate support they need. They have to be willing to do the work to not be willfully helpless.

[@ddanielsmc]

@@darin1660 I enjoyed your post. I think men turn to women as that is their nature. There's a lot more faith in women, they are seen as less judgemental. Some men have empathy but I don't think it's as common as it is in women. Inter-male competitiveness is problematic. I appreciate that women can have this issue too. I find it exhausting at times and gets in the way of relationships. This isn't a problem I normally see if a male is seeking female input. I'm not saying women should solve everything. It's just that I can see why they are looked to by men.

[@borntodiy]

We have some brilliant commenters on these pages, you are one of them, thank you for sharing your insights

[@quinnholleman1547]

Speaking on this as a man who has put a lot of thought into this, I think one of the first steps we need to take is reframing how we define "strength," which I think is the core of how we often define masculinity. We want to appear strong, but historically, strength has been equated with total isolation, being an island unto oneself who doesn't need anyone else. We grasp as performative displays of what we think strength is - aggression, stoicism, physicality, power grabbing, etc. We try to show outside that we are strong by subduing others and ourselves into submission but intimidation is not strength, it is weakness. We need to understand that strength is found both within oneself and in community and they are mutually supporting. The better community you have, the stronger you are as an individual and the stronger you are as an individual, the more you can strengthen that community. We have been told for so long that strength is a display for others to see when, in reality, it is the ability to know oneself and others and to mutually build each other up. When men are vulnerable (which takes strength) and they are ridiculed as weak, it reinforces the notion that you are an island. It makes me think of The Incredibles when they make if back to the city to stop the robot and Helen asks why Bob keeps running into danger and telling them to stay behind and he admits, "Because I'm not strong enough." He feels the need to put up this front that says he is enough to keep his family and the city safe but it's not until he let's that go and accepts help from his family and friends that he becomes truly strong. Yes, people will weaponize vulnerability, but that is a sign of weakness on their part and shows that they need help just as much as you do. I definitely struggle with vulnerability - there are very few people I'd admit my insecurities to and when I do, I often mask it in humor to make it easier to digest, but I'm learning how to say, "I need help." Telling the truth takes strength and admitting that we are not enough is telling the truth. (Sorry if I rambled on a bit and went off-topic).

[@sirvaniss]

It's *very* important that "repressed men are dangerous" is *not* bell hooks' only conclusion. She concludes variously that patriarchy also harms men, that women are just as (and in certain situations more) capable of upholding the patriarchy, and that individual men healing from their emotional repression and damage will not end patriarchy. She is also critical of some parts of what she calls "feminist movement" (that is, political movement that is feminist, not an individual movement) for simply framing men as perpetrators and women as victims.

[@gersomvanslooten9456]

I was a kid and making a drawing. When I asked for the colour pink to the teacher (I was colouring a pig), a boy in my class unsolicited suggested a manlier colour.

[@kc6810]

It’s almost laughable

[@dragonfox2.058]

Wow

[@Luver4lyfe]

Sounds a lot like, the indoctrination leads to even school-age boys “policing one another”. It’s insidious

[@maggie6152]

Ooooooo, poll time! What is the manliest color??? My vote goes to Hooker's Green! 🤪

[@strawberrysangria1474]

Pink used to be the color for boys before the 1920s. They swapped to blue when girls started wearing shades of pink instead of the traditional, dainty blue. Society is such a victim of nonsense, isn’t it?

[@fionatastic0.070]

It was so cathartic to hear you say this because it’s my main frustration with anti-feminist men. I don’t disagree that women do things that uphold patriarchy, but don’t complain that feminists are too mean and then worship other men for saying the exact same thing.

[@crptnite]

The problem is that society's idea of what is "weak" and what is "strong" tends to be backwards. Concealing your emotions isn't "strong." Communicating them isn't "weak." Deceit and manipulation are signs of weakness, honesty and cooperation are signs of strength. Taking things by force is weak. Respecting boundaries and waiting for mutual desire is strong. To all the men I may have emasculated with my words resulting from pain inflicted by your weakness: I'm sorry for calling you weak instead of teaching you how to be strong. It wasn't your fault the world taught you wrong. Namaste 💜🙏🏽🕊

[@andrewgray573]

Deceit, in my experience, is primarily a defensive behavior, meant to preserve the wielder from harm. It can be used to attack, of course, and it is. However, attacks are at their best when they're efficient and direct. A slow attack is easily turned. Deception is done in service of misdirecting your foes' blade, that it either misses you outright, or slams onto that which is not easily broken.

[@mikochild2]

I also think that many of the men who feel women won't allow them to be vulnerable confuse being vulnerable with acting like a spoiled child. At least the ones I have experienced.

[@wiglicious.]

Yeah that or thinking that you have to agree with them 100% on what they’re saying/or feeling and if you don’t them you’re against them

[@sen7826]

Can you give some examples?

[@k.h.6991]

They're probably regressing. Or put differently: aside from anger, spoiled child was the only (or last) emotion they were allowed to act out. They need that inner child to grow up, and only then can they be vulnerable the way (some) women expect to hope them to be. I don't know how we can help men collectively grow up emotionally, but it's necessary.

[@ithoughtiwascishet1316]

@@sen7826 some examples off the top of my head: - trauma dumping to an acquaintance and expecting to be coddled. - revealing how they've hurt, mistreated, or misled others, especially women, or their partner in secret (usually infidelity, talking bad about them with other men, doing things to upset the partner on purpose, or lying about important things like wanting kids or political beliefs) and getting upset when held accountable for it with a breakup or talking to. - complaining-not talking, complaining-about exes. often divulges into a thinly veiled misogynistic rant. - venting but rarely being emotionally available when their partner needs to vent. - complaining about their partner but calling it venting. often stems from a place of jealousy or insecurity, be it about how their partner dresses, how much money they make, the hobbies they choose to engage in and spend their money on, who their friends are, physical looks, etc. - complaining about realistic expectations for them in the relationship but calling it venting. be it both parties staying in shape, practicing personal hygiene, being more active with the kids, dividing chores more evenly, etc. - only choosing to vent about their problems when they can overshadow someone else's.

[@voidify3]

⁠@@k.h.6991perhaps! Unfortunately this is a sad Nash equilibrium because also… no individual is obligated to put up uncomplainingly with their partner going through belated emotional puberty. This “getting worse before getting better” period may be inevitable but we can’t lose touch with the empathy that it will be exhausting and potentially harmful to the person who has to live with that. I guess the solution would be dedicated therapy services- if only we lived in a society where that was available at scale

[@TheMichelex20]

I’m 46 years old and the first time I ever saw my father cry was at his mother, my grandmother’s funeral. I knew he had this in him bc I almost saw the glimmer of something when he told me he had to pass up a full music scholarship to help out my grandparents financially while his older brother was in college. I’ve now seen him cry several more times as he goes through grief. I stroke his 71 year old back and tell him to get it out. It’s ok to cry. I’m a therapist and I’m encouraging men to cry and be vulnerable and offer a safe space to do that.

[@SnowLeopardForever]

I would tell men if your wife or girlfriend are saying things, behaving like or expect what the women Brenne Brown are describing - YOU ARE WITH THE WRONG WOMAN. That being said, if you have some of your own toxic, dysfunctional ideas about women and life (materialistic, shallow, etc.) YOU WILL ATTRACT those kind of women to you. YOU ATTRACT WHAT YOU ARE. True story: I knew a male acquaintance who married a woman whom he later found out only was with him for money and social status, she didn’t love him but acted like she did. He was devastated because he loved her BUT HE, HIMSELF, WAS SHALLOW JUST LIKE HER. He was money and status driven. And he married the woman he is with because she had the same beliefs as him and he loved her, he just didn’t realize that was why she had married him!

[@zacharybosley1935]

The thing about finding and building community is that it requires a lot of will to keep searching when everything around you is just varying shades of pain. How long should someone search for shards of a community they can build when each shard is going to burn or cut at least a little on examination?

[@ddanielsmc]

It's not always going to work out when confiding in someone. People have different characters. A friend of mine, who i've known since childhood, confided in his then girlfriend that he'd been the victim of a violent assault. She ended the relationship as she'd lost respect for him. It's risk for anyone to confide in someone. I know men, i am am one, are uncomfortable in these situations. I'm sure women are too. I really felt for him as he told me he was planning to propose to her. He never told his now wife about the assault. I don't think he ever will. Humans can be difficult to work out. I support my wife, always. She can confide in me and i'm always happy to listen.

[@texaslioness9617]

You're not going against the grain. In hook's work, she also explains that women are often complicit in conforming to patriarchal norms. We all become victims in this narrow framework. That's why it's so important and difficult to unlearn.

[@ddanielsmc]

​​​@@texaslioness9617thank you. I did think that his ex was going down that road. I edited my original comment as I didn't want to cause offence and appear like I was picking on women. I appreciate it works both ways. When it comes to toxic masculinity, the proper meaning, like not feeling able to communicate your own feelings. This is what I was alluding to.

[@joanmoriarity8738]

​@@ddanielsmcYour friend is definitely better off without that ex. He dodged a bullet.

[@medicinemouse7647]

Support your friend. It was good he found out she wouldn't be supportive before he tied the knot. And he's brave for opening up about what happened to him

[@trenchrock]

In my honest opinion, he should tell the woman he's with now. This is his litmus test. He knows now that if he tells a woman and she leaves him for it that she isn't a person he should have in his life. His assault shouldn't be a secret to people that are close to him. His value isn't diminished by what happened to him and anyone who thinks so is as bad as the person who assaulted him.

[@julietteferrars3097]

On my mental health journey I’ve realized more and more how many things lead back to shame. It tries to consume and destroy everything good. Thank you for addressing these uncomfortable topics.

[@zacharybosley1935]

When I was younger, I wanted to be an author more than anything in the world. I immersed myself in writing and practicing writing and filling out my little fantasy worlds with such frequency that by the time I was thirteen I had filled out several notebooks of my optimistic scrawlings. When I told my mother I wanted to be an author, she said that I should pick a different job, because the majority of writers are broke. When I misbehaved, she would confiscate my notebooks, seeing them as the only thing I would feel punished by losing. By the time I grew up, I learned a valuable lesson in how to stop caring about things that can be taken from me.

[@maggie6152]

I was taught that lesson by BOTH of my parents as a child. But you can't live like that forever, man. You cut off joy and opportunity and let your mother continue to control you even though she may not even be in your life anymore. Rebel. Write that book she tore from you. Be that author. Fight the fear of caring, which is really the fear of grief and loss.

[@haberschnack]

Man, I'm so sorry. But I second the nice comment above me. Start to write again. You dont need to publish it at the end. Just write and take that creative part of you back!!! I've been writing stuff for years now, mostly short stories. They are for me and it I decide when some one gets to read them. Mostly when my friends and I start a new round of D&D and the stories I wrote can be incorporated into my new char or in the world building. Start small and never look back!

[@page8301]

"pissed off or shut down" and man is it hard to break out of that.

[@WhichDoctor1]

I was brought up as a man, although I’m no longer practicing. And though I never did the anger thing, I was a master at shutting down. I could feel emotions sometimes when they were strong enough, but that was soo rare that I didn’t really understand them. And then it was only the big obvious ones. It wasn’t until I started real therapy in my early 30s at the same time I started questioning my gender that i started actually relearning what emotions were and how to feel them. My therapist literally had to go back to first principles with me, and get me to describe how my body was feeling when emotions came up in sessions. And then build on that to ask what the feeling in my body was making me want to do. Looking back now it was literally like learning to read for the first time. Having to have the letters shown to me before I could start learning anything, and then starting to peace them together into things that carry meaning. But I was soo happy to find someone who finally listened to me when I explained my difficulties with my emotions and took the time to teach me. I’d known there was something wrong with the way my emotions worked for years. And I’d gone to therapy a couple times before, but it had always been CBT, and they had never seemed to understand or care when I tried to tell them about how distant and hard to understand my emotions were. And so obviously didn’t help in at all. We really do need to take a step back and start with first principles with a lot of people. Failing to do that is like expecting someone to read a page of instructions on how to fix themselves, when they can’t read

[@kikijewell2967]

​@@WhichDoctor1wow this was incredibly powerful to read. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. This story will stay with me for a long time. And I'm grateful for you that you found someone who could actually help you do the proper work to heal. I hope you have rebuilt yourself into a more true and authentic you.🎉

[@JaneAustenAteMyCat]

@@WhichDoctor1 I had to do that with my therapist, but that was because of trauma, not because of gender. Not disparaging what you say, but just that I relate and I know it's a significant symptom of childhood trauma - this emotional shutdown you describe. Now I feel my emotions like a boss. Edited to add: love love love your last sentence. It so perfectly describes my experiences with therapy, until I finally found my current (actually qualified instead of thinks they're qualified) therapist

[@dragonfox2.058]

@@WhichDoctor1 Sounds like emotional Feldenkrais, which is a movement therapy for physical injuries. It ALL gets back to first principles in healing. I can't tell you how far back I had to go...earliest memories were traumatic.

[@JasminemPolyanthum]

@@WhichDoctor1 Just want to say I love your first sentence. Likening Gender to a practice of rituals is so apt.

[@HandofHolmes]

2:24 This is exactly what people enjoy doing to others. Killing their spirit to make themselves feel better. That uncle could’ve shut tf up, come out of the closet and left his baby nephew’s hobbies out of it. Yet I stead we blame and bully the child? I hate this planet. 🙃

[@BrooklynJade1]

This is so important!!! Heal men, heal society as a whole.

[@joannebutlerster]

I am in my mid-60s and live in Canada. It seems to me that when I was a child, there were more ways for men to express themselves. It was not "odd" for men to go into art as an occupation, though they did more often choose commercial art as it was much more reliable than fine art as a way to make a living. During my parents' and grandparents' childhoods, men danced and made music, especially at the community level, since music and dancing was what lots of people did way back before those things were commercialized as technology made it possible to record and distribute music. It is interesting to watch societies and cultures that were kept outside of the mainstream, and who still engage as ordinary people (females and males) in visual art, in dancing, and in music, as something that humans do in general. The 9/11 attack seemed to lead us quickly into a militarized version of what a male is, with the other aspects of their humanity being shoved down and suppressed. I hope we can find our way out of this very narrow box all of us have played a role in putting men into.

[@theseukonnen1200]

There's a theory that backlash to the gay rights movement is another part of this. Before it was understood that gay people were common, and therefore "does this make me look gay" mostly wasn't a question that entered your average man's consideration, and as result cishet men were given more leeway to be closer and more affectionate with each other. After awareness of homosexuality grew, suddenly patriarchy demanded that men police the daylights out of themselves and each other to prevent any possibility of being seen as or being associated with "gay."

[@greenspiritarts]

BEST SUMMARY EVER!!! I read “The Myth of male power” in my late 30s and it changed me from a feminist to realizing that women won’t /can’t be free until men are free of the violent, dominating rules of the patriarchy as well. Excellent video, thank you!!!!! 👏

[@TARAdubbleyuu]

Well, then you never really were a feminist lol...bc radical feminism ALWAYS said this. Jus sayin

[@grey_b7319]

mostly unrelated, but I wanted to cry when hearing about the man who stopped drawing bc of that stupid comment. I can't relate to the why (I'm AMAB, but the ppl in my life have mostly been supportive of my creative endeavors), but I know how terrible it feels to not being able to do something you love, and I hate that it happened to him more people, regardless of gender, need to realize it's not women vs. men, but Everyone vs. Patriarchy

[@Heather-fx7sr]

Just here to clarify that Brene Brown is neither obscure nor a psychologist. She’s a researcher, professor, licensed social worker and best selling author with a well known, award-winning podcast.

[@disney.daze.55]

Yes, I completely agree. And you hit the nail on the head: my suspicion as to why (most, not all) men talk over them and don’t fully engage is … because they’re women. They would first have to work on examining and breaking apart their misogyny before they could be able to fully engage with a woman on this topic. If these books and talks had come from men, I suspect they would be more open to it.

[@petedawg]

I read this book when it came out over a decade ago. It changed my life. But I knew I had to change if I wanted to not be lonely or to be happy.

[@apollofateh324]

​@@petedawgunfortunately a lot of men have not come to that conclusion yet: instead of seeing themselves and their own behaviors as the reason they are lonely, they blame others, especially women, for not wanting to put up with them anymore ("male loneliness epidemic"). It's a crazy kind of irony to have people being "men's rights activists" and complaining about feminism, at the same time, refusing to acknowledge they are literally the reason it exists and they are literally the cause of their own suffering. Obviously one person can't change the whole system, but you can definitely make life better for you and those around you if you at least take responsibility for yourself, but again, it seems a lot of people haven't realized that. (Even just from a personal growth mindset, people in general don't seem to realize how much of their own problems they are causing themselves.)

[@KingOpenReview]

Since when are we too manly for art?

[@levtieart3409]

Most of history it was a male only job and women were forbidden and shamed out of art So its weird how its a "female job/hobby " Now

[@lyrics_m_sic]

Women's "thing" is arts and crafts. These are considered "feminine" hobbies, aka crocheting, sewing, etc. To become an artist, one needs to overcome the "hobby" / amateur level, because "professional" art is much more serious than just "doing it for fun". If it makes money, then it's a job, and art becomes less "feminine"... Or something, idk. Doesn't matter if women can make money from arts and crafts, if they have a fairly successful crocheting or sewing or other business, it's still almost exclusively women. At least that's how I see it, might be wrong

[@neoqwerty]

@@levtieart3409 That's what happens with literally EVERYTHING: the second women finally get into something, suddenly it's "too feminine" for some reason. It happened with pink, it happened with thighs, it happened with heeled shoes, it happened with purple (A LITERAL ROYAL COLOR BECAUSE IT WAS INSANELY EXPENSIVE TO GET DYES), it happened with cooking, it happened with literature. Men have a problem with "girl cooties" like it's a legitimate disease and run for the hills from anything even remotely associated with women. I, a trans man who can't even get top surgery and doesn't have ways to safely bind, am somehow more secure in my manhood than a bogglingly large amount of cis guys who were _born_ in the correct body and never called delusional for stating they're men.

[@muadhnate]

Since that man thought more of what his brother thinks vs the happiness of his son.

[@kc6810]

@@muadhnate Bingo

[@ashassassin]

I just can't get behind making women responsible for men's emotions. It's the most unhealthy thing our society does. If you think women aren't emotionally beat down as well then you're not paying attention. It's so weird how men expect women to help them, but they will do nothing to help women. It cannot be on just the shoulders of women to provide all emotional care.

[@cameronschyuder9034]

There are women that aren't emotionally beat down; women's emotions are not a monolith. Just like there are both anti-sexist women and misogynistic women alike. Might sound shocking, but there are the occasional women who will say that they've never been sexually harassed or worse before (you could argue they just were too naive to see it but the point is bc they've not perceived it themselves, they do not inherit trauma from it). And it's not really about making any one gender responsible imo moreso than just asking the people who have the capacity to help others to help. Be they women or men or whomever else. So long as the women are choosing this out of their own virtues to be helping men, whether or not every man will appreciate their efforts shouldn't matter to her. To be a good, compassionate person shouldn't depend on receiving gratitude (though it is nice to receive gratitude at times for that reinforcement to continue doing good). If a women doesn't have the emotional capacity due to her own traumas, then she should focus on herself first, and avoid being in a relationship with other emotionally-hurt ppl. There are people that expect people to help them but will not help in return. There are also people that would only start to help and care for others if they also feel like they are also being genuinely cared for and helped first. In that kind of scenario, the only way to bring about positive change is for someone to extend the olive branch first. Some men that receive repeated criticism from women because of the other men that have hurt them (referring to the women here) get defensive like how women get defensive when guys make sexist generalizations about the capabilities of women. That's why it's important for the women that are able to, and want to do so, to show them that women are capable of not generalizing men under a "big bad evil guy" category and can see them as individuals, i.e. prove that women are not just hypocrites. But I also think it's important for other guys to also share this message (of men being able to be more than what they are stereotyped as), because women telling men what to do can sound didactic like men telling women how they should act.

[@ianwazowski5607]

@@cameronschyuder9034Ironic how you talk about misogynistic women being a problem when you are a misogynist yourself

[@zacharybosley1935]

There's a difference between being responsible, and contributing. You may not be the first straw on the camel's back, but you absolutely can be the last.

[@lizsmith1018]

At the end of the video he literally explains that men have to take accountability of themselves in order to change. Nowhere in the video does he say women have to be the ones to help men with their emotions. He also says that even when women are the ones advocating for men, they still don’t listen and take charge of changing - they just continue to ignore what the women are saying on their behalf. That’s why he said there’s really nothing more women can do, which is why it’s up to the men now.

[@robertisrotten]

​@@ianwazowski5607 I don't understand. What did he say that came off as misogynistic?

[@puppybasket3906]

That was very well explained and needs to be heard by every man and woman.

[@aaronhess7781]

Bill Burr has a great joke about this. His story starts off with him being pissed that a barista asked if he wanted a cookie with his coffee. And Bill admits he did want a cookie and he reflects how the inability to express positive emotions is slowly killing all men. The joke is called "what are you a f@g!?"

[@ianwazowski5607]

Bill Burr is antifeminist so I don't understand why you would quote him

[@Amanita._.Verosa._.]

While I'm definitely not a fan of Bill because he's casually misogynisticc, I think I'll give this a listen, thank you.

[@Smeginator]

@@Amanita._.Verosa._. how is he casually misogynistic? (I’m honestly asking - I’m not very familiar with his work)

[@joannebutlerster]

@@Smeginator he is my favourite comedian and observer of humans. IMO he is a misanthrope, not a misogynist, who walks and talks the human tragicomedy.

[@joannebutlerster]

Bill Burr makes me laughcry.

[@Dork2099]

The Will to Change is 🔥 🔥 🔥. On the other hand I tend to regard Brene Brown with suspicion so thanks for platforming one of her essays.

[@cmarisco2750]

I think your analysis, especially giving credit to Hooks, is spot on. The message you intend may be muted because during your conclusion you defaulted to the tone and temperament that will read as condescending and disconnected to the very men you were discussing feminine empathy with. It's ironic given the message, but doing the whole "men just refuse to understand" when the issue is clearly as systemic as you've discussed is something you should note. It's bad faith and doesn't consider that maybe they aren't obstinately refusing to understand. They just might not understand.

[@zacharybosley1935]

Solid read.

[@anacoanagoldenflower]

Thank you for this! I'm a trauma-focused therapist with my own trauma, I'm genderfluid with they/them pronouns but most people assume I'm female. I really want to help men as much as I can, and I take a huge strengths-focused approach to therapy in general but especially with men on even the bravery to come to therapy in the first place; especially in the extremely rural and Republican area I live in. It just always feels like I'm a little bit lacking because I was raised female and parentified into being HIGHLY aware of other people's emotions and developing emotional intelligence of others while shutting off my own needs and feelings; so I don't even really have a base understanding of the finish line that men are asked to work towards for emotional intelligence and vulnerability. I'm planning to watch all the videos you have, but if anyone has truly ANY suggestions or perspectives I'd love to hear them!

[@ShaniTaylor-j8k]

I'm so glad to see your response. I'm in a similar spot as an MSW student from a rural area, and learning all I can about people and perspectives.

[@anacoanagoldenflower]

@ShaniTaylor-j8k Rural areas have so many of their own vulnerabilities and challenges, especially if you or any of your clients are minorities or anyone who has transportation issues. And isolation and lack of support easily makes mental illnesses worsen, especially if there's a lot of hopelessness or learned helplessness in the trauma cycles in your area. We also have six prisons in this county, two being maximum security, so I see a LOT of people whose lives are shaped by the training and personality restructuring that COs go through; sometimes COs themselves, which is very rare and hard to break through, but I frequently acknowledge their strength in coming all the more.

[@apollofateh324]

I mean, doesn't that point to the solution being to become more aware of your own thoughts and feelings? If you shut them off, it's probably because expressing them was treated as a threat or ignored by the people around you, or because feeling them was too painful to tolerate. You could try inner child work and ask what it needs, and show it that while you might not have grown up with safe authority figures, YOU can be a safe authority figure towards yourself relative towards expressing needs/emotions. Ask what your inner child needs or is feeling, and act accordingly. But also, if you were made out to essentially be a caregiver from such a young age, it likely means you are hyperattuned to everyone else, and that's part of why you can't access yourself: whenever other people are around, subconsciously you decide that they are more important to pay attention to, and that your needs don't matter (because safety matters more, and you have to attune to others in order to stay safe). So it will probably be easier to identify what you feel if you are alone, that way your brain doesn't automatically get triggered into trying to "be there" for other people. Perhaps sitting outside in nature will also help, since it's away from technology and people and is more peaceful. Also, ask others for help when you are around them. Tell your friends to check up on you when you're hanging out and actually ask what you're feeling, both emotionally and physically, so you can become aware of it in the moment, and set alarms on your phone to go off so you can spend some time on internal awareness vs external. Since you are a therapist, hopefully you already have a therapist, but if not, definitely get one. If you really can't feel yourself/what you need, that's okay, try this process for a couple weeks instead and it should help you warm up to emotions from a visceral/physical/sensational standpoint vs a mental one: m.kzbin.info/www/bejne/kHixpGmoic2Cr5I Thank you for the work that you do though! It's very needed, and it is part of the change that's necessary to help our world. I hope you are able to help many people, including yourself :)))👍

[@lexa_power]

Thanks for this. Neither of them are obscure - here in California we are required to read both of them in school. I found Brene Brown’s work full of privilege. I enjoy reading bell hooks.

[@petedawg]

Attacking people for being privileged without explaining why is a very privileged thing to do.

[@weaviejeebies]

Brene isn't obscure at all in the trauma recovery community. I'd encourage anyone out there not to discount the totality of what seems like a disparate voice based solely on one clip that maybe hits wrong. If you do that, you're missing the context of that person's total experience as well as their individual personality. Part of Brene's personal truth and self-realization is to be honest about how she sees things, without trying to come off as totally unbiased or perfectly wise, or making concessions to how she knows she might be "too much" about some things. She spent too much of her life self-editing, policing every word. She promised herself she wouldn't do that anymore, and that's something that resonates very strongly with those of us who struggled with family dysfunction as kids. So she doesn't pepper her speeches with mea culpas about how this is just her opinion or that she knows that her truth isn't everyone's, and it's all good to agree to disagree blah blah, and she won't soft pedal her insights just to garner more credibility from people who want things delivered in a serene and sage voice of equanimity. Unless you read a significant portion of her work or watch a larger sample of her talks, you're not going to understand those rather contentious sounding snapshots. Same with bell hooks. Both deserve very deep dives. I think anyone who just does a drive-thru on either is truly missing out.

[@helenromanelli2544]

We women have to own our part in this situation. Like men we appear to be caught between our desires for two conflicting counterproductive roles.

[@andrew9360]

Thank you, Brene Brown. Many women nail that Wizard of Oz closet shut or they lay tacks on the ground at its exit. I lived the first 18 years of my life as a girl, then transitioned into a bald, bearded man, which I have now been for a decade. Brene Brown nailed it.

[@P0rk_Sinigang]

Commenter: This psychologist proves you wrong, Expatriarch. Expatriarch: You sure about that?

[@ericadinerotv]

0:52 “Don’t be like a girl” “Don’t be like a woman” That’s the objective.

[@andrewgray573]

This also explains why trans folks are the mortal enemies of conservatives and patriarchs. You literally have people crossing roles and gaining some understanding of 'the other' perspective, whereupon they inevitably see through the facade. Breaking down gender roles to a less restrictive form is therefore one of the key things to be done to improve everyone's mental health.

[@DashaTheDivineDivah]

I agree with this, and I have constantly told women that you can't ask for men to be emotionally available, emotionally intelligent and to have all of these characteristics that require genuine emotion and empathy. And then the moment he shows any type of emotion persecute him for that. the math ain't mathing

[@tinfoilslacks3750]

In both my personal experience as a man and according to the anecdotal experience of male friends, whenever we've encountered women who encouraged or stated they wanted us to be more open and emotional it was almost always followed by disapproval for doing so. Between all of us the only direct explanation we ever got was "I want you to be comfortable being emotional with me, I don't want you to be emotional with me." The prevailing pattern feels like a lot of women *do* want a man who's closed off and unemotional, but they want to know they're sincerely like that, not suppressing/bottling it because they can't show it. That the man they desire is one who is not emotional despite the fact he's been told he's allowed to be, proving the authenticity of their demeanor.

[@JaniceinOR]

My thoughts on this are not fully thought through, and I hope I can express them adequately. For reference, I am a 55-year-old white woman raised middle class on the US west coast. My guess is that many women have not examined their expectations of men, and have not realized the conflict between what society tells them men should be (protector and provider with no needs of his own) and some things they actually want (emotional connection and sincerity). 8 years ago, when I first read about the man who told Brown that he tried being vulnerable with his wife and she reacted so poorly, I was surprised. I started wondering where in my life I have done that, and I have tried to be alert for it. I think I have even told people in my life that I would be grateful if they (kindly) point out to me if they feel I act that way. I also remind myself that a man (or anyone) may not feel safe showing their emotions or vulnerability because others have shamed, bullied, or rejected them for it. I try to be a safe person for my friends, partners, family, and even some strangers to be vulnerable with. Trust often is built in small increments, testing the waters. If I am supportive rather than shaming when someone takes a minor risk in showing emotion, they may be willing to take a bigger risk in the future. I am also learning ways of meeting someone where they are. With my friend "Pete" (name changed), when I saw him cry during emotional movie scenes, I used to tell him I thought it was great he cried. At some point he told me he did not like that: it made him feel very self-conscious. We talked about what he would like instead, and he asked that I just not look and not comment on it, so that is what I do. I am sad that people taught him to be embarrassed about crying, but I do not want to make things worse, and I want him to be able to cry around me. I need to meet him where he is. Patriarchy sucks.

[@autumnreed2079]

​@@tinfoilslacks3750 I noticed that too as a woman. That's because a lot of women still have patriarchal thoughts even if they believe they do not

[@Peace_And_Love42]

Brene Brown is one of my heroes. She helped me unlearn a LOT of my toxic behaviors, specifically around masculinity. You said "obscure psychologist" at the beginning and I couldn't tell if it was sarcastic or if the zeitgeist had noticed her at some point. (Also my first video from this channel, I think) Brene Brown, Pia Melody and Melody Beattie are authors I'd recommend to any man, and most people in general.

[@nadialove]

Thank you so much for your critical thinking and sharing this

[@beingilluminous]

Thank you for bringing this up and expanding on it. I have been saying for quite a while now: men who were circ’d as babies had the first body violation and abuse (pain relief not used until almost this century) upon a child. I knew of a couple that said he would divorce his wife if she got her baby girls ears pierced but was fine with harming his son to “look like him”. If that isn’t a physical generational “curse”, I’m not sure what is. And with “the body keeps score”, it makes sense why there is a deeply innate fear and hatred of others, and the primal need to have control due to that very first trauma.

[@aslquiz2310]

I hear that men are suffering and hiding and it hurts my heart because I know so many good men, and I wonder what's really going on inside them. They say, "Nothing. I'm good. Stop worrying. I'm fine. I'm just not emotional, like you.", but then come the over-reactions, jabs, passive-aggressive behavior and baiting, like this guy did to Brene' Brown. Then men turn around and call women crazy or liars for saying, "I'm fine." when we're upset, but have no hope left that a man could understand and we could depend on him like a real partner. I also heard at 0:23, "Yes, I have heard of the obscure psychologist..." and at 5:14, men post uninformed comments on famous women's work "...despite clearly never having read or engaged with any of their work." Expatriarch, Oprah, Ellen, and the CBS Evening News have interviewed Brene' Brown; she's not obscure. And she's not a psychologist either. You're right: men post their edits of woman's work without bothering to spend 30 seconds searching up basic facts. Still, you're head and shoulders above the crowd in your analysis, communication, and your intent; I appreciate you. Regarding the clip, the man's comment you responded to, I still hear him as the entitled patriarchy, whining that women are selfish when we have any part of our lives that's not centered on men. History centers men. Medical research and healthcare both center men. Education and technology are skewed for male-differentiated brains. And now, we women finally get a small handful of people taking an interest in us, and a small handful of those people are actually women, actually qualified to speak about us, who survived rising through the academic ranks, and continue to survive in their careers long enough to keep getting published, because their work is so good, and so needed. And this man comes along and tries to beat up on Brene' Brown for studying what's "convenient"?! What, exactly, is convenient about forging groundbreaking research? What is easy about this vulnerability that leaves her open to his dismissive and devaluing comments? He's still not facing up to the source of his damage. He'll never fix it and feel better and be a safe man by blaming a less powerful, less threatening minority as the reason that he can't do his own work. If he wants to study men, he's free to do that. Men would be the convenient group to study, because it's always being done. The patriarchal military finds a woman to blame for their scandals, and this guy is blaming and taking his anger out, not on the actual perpetrators, but on women who dare to talk about vulnerability. Responsibility=zero. Self-regulation=even less. Thank you, Expatriarch, for stating, "Ultimately it's on men..." That's factual, thoughtful advice that gives men direction to improve their own condition, like you dared to do, at great risk and expense, I'm sure. And we women will help our men too; not because we were created to prop up fragile men, but because we know how much it sucks to be literally and metaphorically burned at the stake for being yourself. And since we just elected a president who considers sexual assault to be his birthright, we'd better get going. Thank you for hearing me.

[@ibsulon]

What I think missing here is that little is made of women upholding the patriarchy. So many want to destroy the patriarchal contract with women without doing the same for men. I say this as queer and male-presenting and watching the cishet people interacting with each other. Men are punished by both men and women for practicing vulnerability. As such, vulnerability is not safe until it is well practiced. Women are given wide latitude as children to practice vulnerability with adults, whereas Brown (among others) observes that men do not. It is a skill, and as seen above men are then punished for not having that skill. This is even true of feminists, at least in my observation. So what I see from so much of this content is shaming men for not having the emotional latitude without that outlet to practice safely. And we don’t have enough therapists in the world to fix that.

[@dragonfox2.058]

Lemme tell you something. Healing is always risk. Always. The only safe space is in yourself

[@medicinemouse7647]

A lot of women, who value the masculine "lack" of emotion, will unknowingly perpetuate it in their own actions and judge men (and women) by it. A lot of spaces are critical about women's complicity in patriarchy. A lot of black intersectional scholars & activists talk about white femininity being a tool to inflict subjugation. It's coming at it from a different direction than you are, but I've seen lots talk about women's complicity in patriarchy

[@dragonfox2.058]

@@medicinemouse7647 Women have been made to survive unbelievable challenges including childbirth which is the most severe physical trauma a body can endure and not die (hopefully) We have been so beaten down for so long that we can't think straight. For centuries, the only way we survived was to suck up to men. I figure it takes a hero to break out of that. There aren't many heroes. Also, in the 2nd Wave, we discovered that we can't' even see it until it's pointed out as in consciousness raising...and now, that's gone too. I call it epigenetic Stockholm Syndrome and men have epigenetic narcissism

[@trenchrock]

I just don't understand why men care so much about whether they are viewed as weak. It's such a juxtaposition in my neurospicey head. How can you be strong and masculine, whilst also being afraid that people will see you as weak feminine? It doesn't make sense. Truly healthy individuals are free to express heir true selves without worrying about it effecting their self-worth. They aren't worrying about whether someone will hurt them or bully them for their feelings. If someone hurts them for sharing an intimate part of themselves, it doesn't completely erode their sense of self or inate value. Instead, they use it as a lesson not to trust that individual. "Men are punished both by women and by men" I agree. But WHY is anyone allowing someone to punish them for being themselves? Why are men who are feeling this way allowing themselves to be constantly shut down for expressing their feelings? I've heard countless stories of men who share an intimate story with their partner and have them get laughed at. Why doesn't he tell her that her behavior is disgusting and he has emotions that he should be allowed to share with her? That she isn't someone he can be in a relationship with anymore because he can't trust her. Instead, he goes on to marry her refusing to share anything with her again. Why is this a thing men just accept? Instead of moving on, trying again? It would be nice if the safe space could be created for them to share their emotions but that's unlikely and when that happens it should be demanded. You don't expect people to respect you, you show them how they have to treat you or else you're leaving.

[@TenaciousD_3]

​@@trenchrock whew. This is very well said.

[@Gk2003m]

1:20: it’s not that they criticize us “for not being open and vulnerable”. It’s that they criticize us, for everything. If I spend too much time doing the chores, the criticism is for not paying her enough attention. If I’m fixing the concrete front stoop (I’m not a bricklayer by trade, so I need to research issues when I encounter them) she gets frustrated that the grout was removed yesterday but has not already been fixed by today. If I wash the towels and dry them and fold them and put them away, she complains that the way I folded them (which is to maximize the available closet space) is not congruent with the fashion in which she’d like them to hang when first taken out. Now I don’t really care. It’s the way she is, the way she was raised. So I let it roll off my back. But if you’re gonna complain about everything I do or don’t do, don’t be surprised if I tune out a bit…. and certainly don’t imagine I feel ‘safe’ opening up to you emotionally.

[@lillola9307]

Sounds more personal, maybe make it clear that you don’t like the way she speaks to you about things and that there’s a better way to communicate but to say nothing means she’ll never know that what she’s doing. I’m not telling you to snap and yell at her, to scream at her or blow your top explaining this exact thing to her. If she doesn’t stop and it irritates you too much maybe she’s just not the person for you.

[@sainttheresetaylor2054]

why would you date someone who treats you like this? and why are you assuming every woman is like this?

[@medicinemouse7647]

You gotta say this to her and ask why she does this, and see if you can reach a compromise. Some women, who are just people with as many kinds of personalities as men, are grating. But you have to talk to her to figure more out. Hoping you can work it out man

[@ayceinquisitor190]

"Now I dont really care" sorry but it looks like you actually do. It's okay to care, and be frustrated when someone cant seem to manage saying a single nice thing to you. The other comments are right in saying you need to communicate how she's hurting you like this. Just because they may seem like "small things," do not underestimate the long term impact. Lots of small things turn into a huge weight when not addressed quickly enough. I hear men have a strong tendency to underreact to stress and health problems, letting things fester for too long and facing serious complications because of the inaction. You should be treated better than constantly criticized! Relationships are like DND: no DND is better than bad DND. It takes communication, teamwork and connection to make a successful adventure. If she cannot hear your concerns, dismisses you or tries to put you down when you have this necessary convo with her, reconsider the relationship! Do some research on manipulation tactics to make sure you're safe or not. Best of luck!

[@trenchrock]

In general, you shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone that you don't feel safe opening up to emotionally.

[@gillianbarth5927]

The quote about patriarchy forcing men to kill off a part of themselves makes me think of parts work therapy. This trauma is probably part of why so many men "numb out" and disconnect from their families/loved ones, prioritizing an all-consuming hobby or activities like gaming and drinking instead. I bet they would benefit from this type of therapy to help them feel more whole and give them more ability to internally validate themselves. If they had to suppress parts of themselves from such a young age, they must be constantly relying on the world around them to tell them if they're performing masculinity well enough - hence why they feel criticized so quickly in these conversations. Not that women don't do it too, and probably often for a similar reason.

[@NobenStudio]

When you're Hulk, everything is glass. Too many just can't understand that, and refuse to acknowledge it.

[@gailboerwinkle9315]

Really appreciate your bring up these issues. Please continue.

[@benwitte928]

Very thoughtful and clearly expressed points

[@sapien190]

Thanks for sharing. I don't very much agree but I appreciate the well articulated point of view. Subscribed for more in hopes of discoveries!

[@chara8231]

I know this misses the point of the author's msg, but the 21 year old artist...the part where the author says: "that night I wept for him and for all of us that never got to see his work"...uhhhh...he's 21....he has a whole liftime to show the world his artistic talents! His brain isnt even fully develped yet! But yes, I understand the msg. It is devastating that he had to experience the suffocating of his creativity at such a young age.

[@emilyleaf9857]

Need more short videos like this to take over the algorithm

[@torb-no]

I think your comment of them not engaging with their work hits it on the head: a lot of this stuff is simply not that accessible. The ideas communicated are quite nuanced and complex. The only reason I really understand some feminism is the same I understand computer science, media theory, we'd learn tools to understand nuanced complex subjects are University. I'm not sure how to do that. This seems to be the problem with positive social change in society in general: some of these changes require careful nuanced thinking and not jumping to simple ”solutions” of complex problems. One more thing: I do think people might need to hear this stuff from their own group. There's a reason the best writing on women's emancipation is written *by women*, and we probably need something like this *written by men* as well. I mean, I know this already exists, but we probably need more. A lot more.

[@kodyb5869]

Pick mes are the reason trump won twice

[@petedawg]

Yes, it had nothing to do with terrible messaging from the Democrats, or a campaign that only had 100 days to function.

[@zacharybosley1935]

@petedawg i mean, the numbers are pretty clear that it wasn't the pick-mes, the third party voters, or the democratic platform that failed to stop Trump. The people who failed to stop Trump were the roughly 13 million voters who were happy to show up for Joe Biden, but couldn't be bothered to stand behind his vp when it counted.

[@strawberrysangria1474]

We’re supposed to be living like Yin and Yang, and yet we’re living like it’s Yin vs Yang. We need both. If you’re comfortable as masculine and feminine, you’ll be better off with two tools than being forced to use an axe for a screwdriver’s job. Mentally, we need this balance for our own peace of mind too. It’s sad that men are made to feel inferior when they don’t follow the shallow quota, and it’s also sad that women are made to be afraid as they’re beaten down into submission.

[@caranewman1203]

We can help men by holding space for them to be vulnerable. Criticising is not going to help him open up

[@AshaSelfsDemoFilms]

Now is the time to give them PLENTY of time to self-reflect. #4B #5B Remember, no one is coming to help and they will let you die.

[@dragonfox2.058]

West 4B. They WILL come for us. They already are. It's a terrifying time and I smell the pyres lighting up again 🔥

[@zacharybosley1935]

From experience: self-reflection can very rapidly become self-justification. I'm not opposing taking time to protect yourself, but there's a streak of optimism in the idea that a man surrounded by people who believe he is the problem will find anything but a tool to bring the outsiders to heel. if leaving men to their own devices was the solution, then the Manosphere, and far-right conservative movements would not have such compelling arguments that the way to make the world sensical again is simply to make everyone else kneel. Left to their own devices, men will find justification to drag women further down than you can possibly imagine.

[@zacharybosley1935]

After enough frustration builds, they'll do far worse than wait.

[@JaniceinOR]

Not having sex with someone who could get you pregnant is good self care in any state with abortion restrictions or if you travel to areas with only Catholic hospitals.

[@happygucci5094]

The fact that you even compared the two is wild to me… 😂. WILD.

[@Thisratisrockin]

I mean, its gotta be the exact issues raised in these books that are part of what’s preventing men from even reading them in the first place, right? These books discuss and attempt to reach a part of men that, as is explained in the books, men are made to cut out of them at a young age. Or at the very least, bury deep, deep down. These books will not affect the ideal ‘patriarchal’ man, because the ideal ‘patriarchal’ man cannot be reached. And cannot be emotionally or psychologically ‘influenced’, especially not by a woman. So to pick up one of these books, to read these words and to actually take them to heart and understand them, they would have to admit to themselves and to the world that they have failed in their ‘self-mutilation’, and that they are a model of the ideal ‘patriarchal’ man. And at that point, I imagine it can be a very lonely place to be. Especially if you are surrounded by people who do uphold the patriarchy and expect you to do the same. You’re in a position, there, where you have to choose between shutting back down again and staying ‘safe’, or opening up and risking the loss of your world as you know it, your friends and potentially your family, as we see in the examples in these books. Like the books have answers, but in order to pick them up you have to admit that you’re questioning things in the first place. Really good stuff. I’ve been meaning to check out bell hooks for a WHILE now and never got round to it, I know Elliot Sang has been making videos reading her, I’m definitely going to carve out some time now to watch those at the very least. And subscribing! This is the kind of stuff I love to see on my page, thank you

[@nathanmstroud]

The problem with criticizing patriarchy is that people have not offered a suitable replacement that enough people have seen and understood. We still rely on patriarchal systems that function healthily and benefit us. In order to replace patriarchy, there has to be a replacement.

[@yurei8368]

While I am no scholar, I _am_ a trans woman, and I got there in significant part through a soul-deep rejection of exactly this ideal - that as a biological male I needed to ruin myself and destroy my own emotions to be 'proper'. I've never done that, and for my entire life I was ostracized and tormented for being emotional and weak, connecting better with girls and adults than with other boys. I'd escape into stories about female heroes in books and games, reading about women who were strong and righteous without losing themselves to that void. Those characters were my role models,not other men. That was one of the core realizations that drove me to begin transition. That if _this_ was what I needed to do to be a 'man', clearly I was a woman instead because I could not fathom living that way. Again, I am no scholar and I have no proof or studies to back me up...but I'm willing to bet that this emotional self-mutilation is a driver behind the disparity between trans men and trans women. How can someone not learn to identify themself as female when only female people are allowed to experience the full range of human emotion without brutal, relentless censure?

[@dl2725]

I found your channel November 6th when I needed it. I have needed to understand better why misogyny is running so hot right now. Please keep doing what you’re doing.

[@Esme26433]

Men are going to have to take a stand to be themselves. At all costs. If it is unattractive to the women in their lives. So be it. There will be other people who value the true you and stand with you. I just hope that in all this, we all aspire to be good and true.

[@marinakukso]

Great video. Very well-said.

[@borntodiy]

It’s bangers after bangers with you Expatriarch!! So glad I subbed - thanks for your continued posts

[@Ouisija]

Brene Brown is not obscure by any means

[@zacharybosley1935]

Does the layman know the name?

[@HouseOfAliShali]

Those last lines really hit ☹️

[@Piyushgathalaiitb]

I sincerely wish, the incels read these explanations instead of doubling down on the facade of masculinity to cope with expectations put on men by patriarchy at the core of cause for their grievances.

[@M_SC]

I’ve always been appalled by women who like brené brown. She’s always admitting to narcissistic tendencies. At least she is sort of working on them

[@nirvanaheights]

Bell Hooks 👏👏

[@JaneAustenAteMyCat]

I recently discovered her. She's awesome!

[@marianeladaira2503]

5:15 "... and I really don't know what else to ask women to..."

[@erloney]

I would appreciate a video(s) on how you have managed to avoid patriarchal patterns yourself. I'm trying to raise some future men myself & insight into how adult men were able to avoid societal toxic patterns would offer helpful insight!

[@dragonfox2.058]

He said it. He was loved by his father...not criticized endlessly

[@ayceinquisitor190]

​@@dragonfox2.058 that's not the be-all end-all though. There's other things to be conscious of, advice he may have received from his father, AND he can use his platform to reach out to men in his audience to talk about their own experiences and collect data.

[@EmL-kg5gn]

I assume they also have a father who is around? If so one of the most important things is ensuring your relationship is equitable. Children learn patriarchy most personally by seeing their fathers mistreat their mothers. You can teach them all you like but if it’s not modelled by you and your partner’s actions you’re fighting an uphill battle. And be mindful of what they might be exposed to online too, exposure to corn teaches boys/men to dehumanise women/girls

[@trenchrock]

I'm a neurodivergent and maybe have a hard time understanding but why the hell do men care SO much about what other people think or how they repond to their feelings?? I have heard so many men say things like "I told her something about me that i never told anyone and I really opened up. Then she dumped ne." Then they make a pact to NEVER open up or tell that thing to anyone ever again. Maybe i'm having a hard time understanding but....WHY?? Do people not have any resilance anymore? Its obvious that you told the wrong person. That doesnt mean that everyone is going to hurt you or that no one cares about your feelings, it means that that individual was not right for you. If you can't open up to someone emotionally, you arent in a relationship. You can't be afraid to share your feelings. On the other hand, women share their feelings with everyone. If we have secrets at all, there is usually 3-5 people that know. Men will keep everything to themselves and then tell the one wrong person and act like they can't ever trust again. Same goes for the boy that stopped drawing. He is an adult now and can do whatever the hell he wants to. Why doesnt he just start drawing again? Because it makes him a sissy...?? Why does he care so much? His value isn't determined based on how someone else views him. Its based on how he views himself. If you want to draw, do it. If you want to listen to T Swift, do it. If you want to share your feelings, do it. If you want to cry, do it. If your gf breaks up with you because you told her a deep dark secret, the trash took itself out. If someone calls you gay or a sissy because you like x,y,z then remind them that becUse your a man, you can choose to do whatever you feel like. I just don't get why men choose to live their life in this dumb box of expectations of what a man is supposed to be.

[@wiglicious.]

I gonna say 2 things I mean it in the niceness way possible First, yeah that first thing you said about why do they care about what others thinks, that’s kinda my question too, because a lot of men generally don’t care if the women they’re in a relationship with, is unhappy, if it’s a tolerable level of unhappiness like if it’s not raining on their parade and if she’s not threatening to leave and stuff like that then they think they’re good so it’s genuinely confusing to me as to why they would care about this and again I say this not to be mean but they don’t even abide by the “rules” per se cause anger IS an emotion and they ARE always getting emotional about women’s body count and silly stuff like that Now the second thing, in response to what you said at the end, I think the reason that they follow the patriarchy is cause they like the benefits and they believe it’s outweighs the cost Also some are just stuck, between a rock and a hard place if you can say

[@zacharybosley1935]

Yo, fellow neurospicy here. Speaking from experience, there is something dangerous in the idea that people can simply refuse to care about the actions of others for the sake of personal satisfaction. All things being equal, plenty of people take the wrong lesson from that idea. As far as "why should a guy care what another person thinks," i think a lot of that comes down to building an image of the self that is reflected in how one engages with others. People want to find connection and security, and a lot of the strategies for successfully doing so are hiding shit one might consider baggage. It's risk management, and not caring about risk is a recipe for agony down the line.

[@theseukonnen1200]

Not going to lie, OP kind of lands with the same register as people who lack insight and experience with mental health telling someone with depression to just stop being so sad all the time, since clearly being so mopey is making their life worse and all. "Just decide to be happier!"

[@trenchrock]

@@theseukonnen1200 Read it again. Thats not what I said at all.

[@strawberrysangria1474]

The girls in high school taught me how to not care if they like the same things I do. Maybe men just need a really catty dude to say “Ewww! You’re going to wear THAT jersey to football practice!?” Then they can practice rolling their eyes at Tiffany- I mean Timothy, and wear the jersey anyway. Timothy does not dictate your life, Timothy is unhappy and wants you to be unhappy with him.

[@spicybiscuit88]

'..adjusting the curtain so no one sees in and no one gets out'. Please can you give some examples of the kind of behaviour from women you are talking about here. I have not come across women 'constantly criticising men for not being open and vulnerable and intimate'. I know a lot of women would like their partners to open up to them more, so they can hear about their lives, and support them. Because obviously a lot of men struggle with feeling that its ok to express their emotions. Most woman who care enough to want their partner to talk to them will not be going about that by basically being emotionally abusive. Women also very rarely equate expressing emotions with being 'weak' - that is toxic masculinity, which as most women are aware, is an outdated ideal, damaging to men and often dangerous to women. Women do not in general demand that men be 'great and all powerful' - thats a misogynistic myth. Maybe some women are mainly attracted to power and money, but then some men are mainly attracted to women who have an hourglass figure. Women are not any more shallow and demanding than men. You can focus on the ones that are if you want, but its not an accurate view of reality.

[@zacharybosley1935]

My mother was very meticulous in expressing which emotions are acceptable to express, and the most acceptable way to express them My aunt assured me that I'd never find love by questioning the traditional structure of men being the pursuer, provider, and courter. My grandmother reminds me that the most effective way for a man to establish himself in the world is to make myself superior to anyone else in my field, and that doubting the system is a thought for people who aren't winning. My great-grandmother married my great-grandfather because he could afford a house, and because he worked hard enough to fund her retirement, but when his body started to fail him from years of service, she let him die, and blamed him for not fighting harder to take care of her. I hope these examples are helpful.

[@OMARANT100]

5:00 - The problem is that they use sociological language in weird ways, and men go "what the fuck are you talking about?" Your language needs to be targeted towards your audience.

[@samsara545]

Wow! I wish this channel grows to the same amount of men on this Earth.

[@bkflex55]

I cannot understand how we can't extend this arm to other sentient beings. I understand that human relationships are paramount , but everything you say is exactly how all humans treat other sentient being by exploiting, harvesting and ultimately killing them.

[@page8301]

Culture that has been ingrained for millennia won't go away after a few decades.

[@bkflex55]

@@page8301 so we accept that? Not certain of your reply. Much love tho, any way you mean it 😃

[@EldridEinherjar]

Because nature ultimately exploits, harvests and kills other sentient beings. Humans appear to be the only ones to get upset about it. Lions will kill the offspring of a rival they just chased away, and the mothers of that offspring will sit back and let it happen despite outnumbering the male.

[@turkleton4783]

Are you talking about cows?

[@audreydoyle5268]

​@@turkleton4783 Temple Grandin did her best

[@jessicaf6358]

To perhaps help with the "They'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down," way of thinking, let's look at it from a different perspective. 1.) that's merely "the story you're telling yourself," 2.) we all perceive "they're being mean to me/hard on me" differently AND it's much more painful when it comes from those we love and whose opinions we care about, even when we THINK they're implying things they are not (ex: my mom would ask a question but my overly-sensitive self would twist it in some way to think she's being condescending. She truly wasn't; it was MY system on Red Alert that was EXPECTING the meanness, and therefore was inserting it places). THAT said, are they ACTUALLY being mean or are they merely stating things that, say, need to be done and have not been (which also gets labeled "nagging" when the women in our lives do it, but oddly not when a boss at work reminds us "you still haven't filed your TPS Report," even though it's still just-as-or-more annoying/mico-managing-y), and 3.) did you build up your own pedestal so that they are actually excited for it to fall in order to finally prove to them -- and more importantly yourself -- that you are , LIKE THEM, human after all? In other words, do you easily and readily admit to yoor family your own faults, failures, and stumblings in real time, or upon reflection, or do you try to come off as if your own faults don't exist? Because, buddy, there is nothing worse in a family than a self-annointed God that expects their word to be The Word; we all know it's not, and we're waiting for you to come down and join the rest of us here on earth -- you're one of us after all. So do we want to topple that dude, be it male or female? F YEAH WE DO. We want them to QUICKLY learn humility so we can actually bond with them like real humans do -- us broken real humans.

[@maura423]

Thank you, this really struck me this morning. I love the men in my life, and I want them to experience the awakening I'm having: that we can be exactly who we are, together, without harming ourselves or each other. The battle is not against one another, it's against the boxes we've been programmed to contort ourselves to inhabit.

[@laura79420]

You started this video by calling Brene Brown "obscure." That was pretty insulting, given her following. Would you have called her obscure if she was a man? I'm not sure you were aware you did this. At least you called her a "powerhouse scholar" at the end.

[@halfofakitty]

I think they have the expectation that men (and women for that matter) won't get back up. Once you've tripped you're down there for good. The way they look at it as "be vulnerable with me" is wrong. It should be "lets adress this break in the concrete and make it solid again".

[@meh.7539]

OK. so... what's the solution for men? If I'm feeling this way, how do I resolve this issue?

[@Karma-js1em]

Therapy is typically the way to go to help you unpack and understand these issues/emotions.

[@zacharybosley1935]

Find some space to unpack the feeling. There's a justifiable reason for the feelings of frustration, pain, and loss, because they're rooted in the ways the world has argued we must act for success. The solution is to find space to feel those emotions, and find communities that will allow you to build anew.

[@strawberrysangria1474]

There’s therapy, journaling, taking up a sport or hobby you enjoy, and doing things that are nice for you each day. If there’s pain from your childhood, you can write about the pain you suffered and rip it up or burn it outside. Every person is different so every method of healing is unique to you. Sitting in silence is no fun, but it’s one of the best ways to contemplate what you need.

[@meh.7539]

@@Karma-js1em Already doing that.

[@crptnite]

How is drawing and painting "girly"...? Haven't most of the great painters and animators of the world been men? I actually love creating visual art but I'm not as good with creating images visually as I am creating them literally... That's why I write more than I draw: I can describe the scene I'm seeing in my mind but I'm rarely able to draw it out. I paint with words. Lots of boys I know paint with...paint. Neither is "girly" or "boyish," they're just two different ways the human brain can process and convey information. It would be a sad, dreary world if boys weren't allowed to create visual art.

[@kathiebradley5881]

It's ok for men to cry, to feel, to take care of their children, to eat ice-cream and use a straw. Gender roles are crazy and it took a close transgender person to help me see that through the social condioning in myself.

[@youtubecommentator6023]

Wait....so she's saying that the women in some men's lives are the most critical of them (which is typically true) yet MEN are the ones encouraging emotional mutilation?.....how did you come to that conclusion? Is it possible that men are afraid of being emotional/vulnerable because of what they endured while being raised by some of their mothers? Is it possible that mothers might have a tendency to get after boys more than girls since boys can be more rough, more energetic, need more rough play, and have a harder time sitting still than girls? Our public schools are already set up in a way that's to the detriment of boys (as claimed by many experts). Is it possible that societal expectations of boys (maybe more enforced by mothers since they historically spend more time with the children) isn't suitable to create thriving men who feel capable of feeling vulnerable? If this is such a huge societal problem and trying to convince the men that they need to fix this problem isn't working.....is it possible that there is some involvement of women we are not considering or perhaps overlooking because we're afraid of the possibility of looking misogynistic if the results tip in that way? I'm no expert but I'd say that the role for a woman in a man's life is to be one that challenges him while also lovingly supporting supporting him. If things are going to change for men to become more vulnerable, do women have a part to play in that? I don't think we should assume that gender specific issues can't be affected by the opposite gender in any way. Especially when you consider how a family dynamic works.

[@cymtastique]

I hope the artist dude got therapy and was able to continue his art. It's one thing if the parents never supported it, but to suddenly rip away that feeling of being loved no matter what is too cruel! So what if he does art, and so what if he's gay? He's your son, and he's HAPPY!

[@lifetaketwo7662]

“Obscure”, babe, was that meant to be dismissive??

[@karol1986]

Hopefully the guy will return to painting bc what keeps him now?

[@squidwardwithoutaclue]

These women think they need a man, but they actually need a caregiver. Like Monk needs Natalie.

[@apachewraith]

I've watched her Ted. She seems to confuse some imagined rulebook for men with women's observed behavior. The men who don't know the difference, or how to navigate them will inevitably fall into the emasculated "ridiculed" category. She's right about being the "patriarchy" (whatever the fuck that is) in that women are causative. But it's not her fault that men aren't able to overcome their height or genetics in a way that would allow these women to feel safe enough to submit.

[@quantgeekery6358]

😂😂These videos gelped create our present moment.😂😂 Every decision was optimal (not perfect) and only failed due to the depravity of those who uphold patriarchy.

[@AlluminaOnyxia]

Women in general have a hard time walking the boundaries between our desires for human connection with men and respecting the very distinct contrasts between us, how we think/feel/ connect from them. We have to be clear that the boundaries between helping men and doing the hard work for them have to be firmer and clearer. Women are scared to challenge men. Even in the close relationships we have with men, it can be intimidating to challenge them when there is a clear need to. However, I think the confusion is the belief that every challenge is a nick on their manhood instead of the much needed constructive feedback that we all need at some point, in some way. Constructive criticism is a form of nurturing. That gets distorted when people have suppressed insecurities so they take offense to everything; or are traumatized by abusive overstated complaints during childhood (like "you should know better" when that's not true). Still, there is room to challenge. I think we women do have to be careful just because men can get offended when it is any woman engaging in corrective discovery. I'm not quick to call women being so gentle when talking about correcting men because we do have to consider our personal safety and the integrity of the conversation.

[@jasonmp85]

“Obscure”?

[@moto-rambler]

Men are unsafe to be around? Which men, exactly?

[@jfm14]

Brené Brown, obscure? 😂😂

[@lw8882]

It's confirmation bias at its finest. That's not a judgement, just an observation. It's the quickest way to turn "women sometimes tell men to toughen up and contribute to the problem" into "women actually also struggle with empathy, this isn't a gendered issue, stop hating men you man hater pick me." If you already believe the latter and will just apply that belief to any argument or evidence, even if it's clearly not intended that way.