Neil Hilborn - OCD

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Neil Hilborn, performing at Rustbelt 2013 in Madison, WI.
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Button Poetry is committed to developing a coherent and effective system of production, distribution, promotion and fundraising for spoken word and performance poetry.
We seek to showcase the power and diversity of voices in our community. By encouraging and broadcasting the best and brightest performance poets of today, we hope to broaden poetry's audience, to expand its reach and develop a greater level of cultural appreciation for the art form.

[@ButtonPoetry]

Support the author, get his books here: bit.ly/neilhilborn

[@wickedromantik]

Did he ever get her back? Please for the love of all things holy say yes..

[@zebracorn9184]

@@wickedromantik so my understanding is they did date again and she actually saw him perform this poem but also they broke up again and then dated again and then broke up again. There was a lot of “lying and making each other miserable” Neil also implied that she either never loved him or cheated on him but I’m not positive which. They were friends for a while after but idk if they still are. A long time later Neil got engaged and later married and I think him and his wife are still together

[@kattmatiquite]

"He only kisses her once. He doesn't care if it's perfect." This still kills me. Everytime.

[@lisaraye6000]

My favorite line

[@MissAmandaaaGee]

My heart straight up cracks everytime.

[@Snarl_Marx]

What always gets me is "I leave the door unlocked. I leave the lights on " Love is powerful...pain is powerful. Sometimes the 2 can't exist without the other.

[@jackdolah2031]

what does that mean

[@neiljohnsemaning6227]

@@jackdolah2031 People with OCD tends to arrange things perfectly. They spend tons of time just to make things look symmetrical or clean. In this case Hillborn kissed her but he doesn't care if it's perfect. Which is why that qoute is so powerful.

[@daddykool-aid1031]

"I can't breathe because he only kisses her once. He doesn't care if it's perfect." Oh my god my heart

[@shantcheetah]

such a deep line :(

[@dustinbrite2422]

Hello profile pic brother.

[@ArnoBach]

@@daddykool-aid1031 please don't blasphemy

[@alrengemgayneri7690]

I think that's the most painful part about having mental health issues, the people you thought understood eventually leave because they can no longer take it.

[@squamish4244]

They do understand, it's just too much.

[@alrengemgayneri7690]

@@squamish4244 you really cant be mad at them for thinking that it's too much.

[@squamish4244]

Yes. I get it.

[@deficator750]

Everything is exciting when new, but it gets old really quickly

[@taylorn4934]

Feel this

[@BrunosSquirrel]

The first time i heard this poem was years ago, but once in a while i remember and come back. It always hits the same. It is sl beautiful.

[@fire1937]

Bruno'sBaBySquirrel same man, this is one of a few for me that I have to come back and listen to every so often.

[@taylorloewen1]

totally agree. i get the same chills every time

[@vic-vk1rt]

Same. I'm not a huge fan of poetry slam but i love this one soo much, it's just so beautiful.

[@xraydog]

Honestly same.

[@cloerelene]

Bruno'sBaBySquirrel me too. and i still get chills every single time.

[@simonj48]

Just imagine how many times he's had to re-write this poem before he was happy enough to stand up to say it.

[@genuineinterest]

Worth. It. God damn.

[@jackfitzpatrick668]

+Simon Johnny In an interview he said that it has to have at LEAST 10 drafts before he will compete with it.

[@patrickkresnik48]

Simon Johnny maybe that is why its so good just amazing.

[@Waffles-jt8cw]

jack fitzpatrick does he really have OCD because I heard him spoke before and it was way different then how he spoke now

[@brendalaaful]

No he doesn't actually have OCD

[@eb0osh]

" I want her so bad I leave the door unlocked " Had me murdered ..

[@Zzzk23]

Hopefully no one murders him. (This is the part where I laugh at my own joke to hide the fact this poem hit me hard.)

[@segalin3]

RIP

[@udreams_9532]

Can anyone explain what that part means? I don't have OCD so I wouldn't know

[@Dino-gk3ps]

@@udreams_9532 he has ocd, so he's obsessed with things like "have i closed the Door?" But he love her so much that he can avoid doing that (and it's reaaaally hard). (Sorry if my english isn't that good, i'm italian)

[@udreams_9532]

@@Dino-gk3ps Your english is okay, but why avoid doing it?

[@zeppyjenjen]

"How can it be a mistake if I don't have to wash my hands after I touch her?!"

[@ellaconnaughton8107]

That's when I started crying

[@rebekahmccann6429]

that's my favourite line

[@Miller473]

Liek if you cry everytim

[@jadeadair4968]

love 😍 that line

[@watson0813]

rain jen that exact sentence just killed me. I started crying like a shit

[@christianryanbarsagas835]

"She said love was a mistake, but how can it be a mistake when i dont need to wash my hands after i touched her?" Beautiful poem

[@shantcheetah]

that's such a beautiful thought. this poem was incredible

[@avadakedavra69]

Here after Corona.

[@ZaynPilot]

Yeah, I really can't touch anyone, anything if I touch I have to spend 5 hours to wash my hands.. feel everything is dirty around me.

[@faith9196]

So beautiful

[@hpd4ever]

That part makes me cry.

[@TheEtherny]

"She was the most beautiful thing I ever got stuck on" this is both beautiful and tragic.

[@520clumsy2]

TheEtherny I read this as he said it

[@Len124]

I think he actually says, "... the _first_ beautiful thing..." I promise I'm not correcting you out of spite, but because, for me, it adds to the tragedy and, ultimately, the beauty you mentioned.

[@SLISKI_JOHNNY]

That hit too close to home

[@michaels.5721]

"I want her back so much, I leave the door unlocked. I leave the lights on." .......wow....... that hits waaaaayyyyyyy too hard.....

[@MrrTuuTorial]

hey, uhm, I dont really understand the door unlocked, lights on part. mind explaining ?

[@michaels.5721]

+SaneM8 He is OCD, so he HAS to do little things like that and everything HAS to be perfect or it drives him crazy, so leaving the lights on and the door unlocked waiting for her to come home is a huge sacrifice on his part

[@MrrTuuTorial]

Michael S. Damn now i understand, thanks a lot.

[@csenky]

Yea, but the most touching part for me was that "...how can it be a mistake when I don't have to wash my hands after touching her?!"

[@fardila1234]

+csenky that sentence hits me like a train

[@JackKramme]

"I cant breathe because he only kisses her once, he doesnt care if its perfect" Just... wow

[@patrikcarlsson2908]

If he loved her, he would not care if he kissed her once, he would care if that was the kiss that made her a better her, a kiss that made her smile, a kiss that she thinks about and a kiss she feels.

[@katemcmann7725]

Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and guess you do not have obsessive compulsive disorder, Patrik.

[@DrFobik]

Kate McMann he has no idea.

[@DrFobik]

Patrik Carlsson, you don't get it. He's imprisoned by an arbitrary set of rules set in place by his own mind that he unwillingly feels he has to follow. He loves her, and wants it to be perfect, but he also literally cannot handle it not being perfect. That it doesn't line up with the rules enforced by his bastard of a brain.

[@honeymoney23]

thunder1soldier 😭😭😭 my damn heart

[@ts4gv]

“I leave the door unlocked” is one of the most surprisingly crushing sentences i’ve ever heard. this was incredible.

[@JudyJohnston-zf5hi]

Makes me cry EVERYTIME

[@StrawRocks]

Someone recently broke my heart. It was so painful and they kept coming back home, but my door was closed and my lights out.

[@squamish4244]

Yeah...that's not how OCD works though.

[@StrawRocks]

@@squamish4244 yeah, i never said it was. Dumb ass

[@calebperkins2563]

@@squamish4244 Exactly, that's how important she is to him. She's able to make him fight his compulsions because his love for her is greater

[@medhahaldar4588]

'I leave the door unlocked'. Man the feels.

[@valtonen77]

ive had my door unlocked for all my life.

[@FlashTracer]

I leave the lights on

[@Jatramain]

I leave my pants unzipped.

[@landonanderson3747]

My mom didn't sign my permission slip for this feels trip

[@mikedang3613]

I'm dead.

[@Biskawow]

Thats it Billy, you're grounded

[@rickgifford42]

There are a lot of wonderful comments here but yours is classic...I love it!

[@Zzzk23]

The feels on the bus go round and round

[@avisgreen5789]

lmao

[@nick42085]

"I want her back so much, I leave the door unlocked." Hear that? That's the sound of my heart being fucking destroyed.

[@amberperry3478]

fucking same, man. my heart is just in pieces. it's destroyed

[@TashWigley]

+nick42085 That's the bit that gives me chills every time.

[@KendoKen]

nick42085 Fucking feels are intense man

[@ARCANEOS51OX]

As a man, a doctor, poetry enthusiast, OCD patient, this moved me to tears an still does to this day.

[@Coco.coco.c]

ARCANEOS51OX same.

[@kieraforest463]

I respect that both of these comments have full stops or periods, depending on where you're from.

[@kishascape]

Wait, do I have this? Am I insane too?

[@Fiddle2805]

not really sure if you're OCD since you left the typing mistake here for more than 3 years.

[@jazmyneb2585]

@@Fiddle2805 read more

[@migguigabrielle4950]

The first time I saw her... Everything in my head went quiet. All the tics, all the constantly refreshing images just disappeared. When you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you don't really get quiet moments. Even in bed, I'm thinking: Did I lock the doors? Yes. Did I wash my hands? Yes. Did I lock the doors? Yes. Did I wash my hands? Yes. But when I saw her, the only thing I could think about was the hairpin curve of her lips. Or the eyelash on her cheek- the eyelash on her cheek- the eyelash on her cheek. I knew I had to talk to her. I asked her out six times in thirty seconds. She said yes after the third one, but none of them felt right, so I had to keep going. On our first date, I spent more time organizing my meal by color than I did eating it, or fucking talking to her... But she loved it. She loved that I had to kiss her goodbye sixteen times or twenty-four times if it was Wednesday. She loved that it took me forever to walk home because there are lots of cracks on our sidewalk. When we moved in together, she said she felt safe, like no one would ever rob us because I definitely locked the door eighteen times. I'd always watch her mouth when she talked- when she talked- when she talked- when she talked when she talked; when she said she loved me, her mouth would curl up at the edges. At night, she'd lay in bed and watch me turn all the lights off. And on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on, and off. She'd close her eyes and imagine that the days and nights were passing in front of her. Some mornings I'd start kissing her goodbye but she'd just leave cause I was just making her late for work... When I stopped in front of a crack in the sidewalk, she just kept walking... When she said she loved me her mouth was a straight line. She told me that I was taking up too much of her time. Last week she started sleeping at her mother's place. She told me that she shouldn't have let me get so attached to her; that this whole thing was a mistake, but... How can it be a mistake that I don't have to wash my hands after I touched her? Love is not a mistake, and it's killing me that she can run away from this and I just can't. I can't - I can't go out and find someone new because I always think of her. Usually, when I obsess over things, I see germs sneaking into my skin. I see myself crushed by an endless succession of cars... And she was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on. I want to wake up every morning thinking about the way she holds her steering wheel. How she turns shower knobs like she's opening a safe. How she blows out candles- blows out candles- blows out candles- blows out candles- blows out candles- blows out… Now, I just think about who else is kissing her. I can't breathe because he only kisses her once - he doesn't care if it's perfect! I want her back so bad... I leave the door unlocked. I leave the lights on.

[@stephaniedonahue1272]

Thank you for Lryics.... and The first time you saw?

[@marcuss5089]

Not all heroes wear capes

[@CyberkoretecK]

@@marcuss5089 9gag?

[@sollym8814]

I also watched the video

[@Melinacabin]

Wow, thank you for writing all of that. I really like being able to read, and re-read that poem.

[@EpsilonA789]

"He doesn't care if it's perfect." im not crying, you're crying

[@mycroftholmes4593]

Your mom's crying

[@amieebise773]

Koopa368 your dad's crying.

[@angelmarcoux2072]

i think we all are at this point

[@TheRecluseJanitor]

Koopa368 WE'RE crying

[@CamilaCaramujo]

Yes, I am

[@sarahhull5064]

"I can't breathe because he only kisses her one time because he doesn't care if it's perfect."Gets me every time

[@JUStCALLMEZIMM]

Sarah Hull same..

[@AnaArabi88]

"I can't breathe because he only kisses her once. He doesn't care if it's perfect." "How can it be a mistake when I don't have to wash my hands after her?" My heart... I feel you, my friend. I feel you.

[@candice_ecidnac]

It's actually "I don't have to wash my hands after *touching* her" You left out touching It's such a beautifully brutal line

[@charlottecelinski9947]

”He doesnt care if its perfect” Is someone cutting onions? :’(

[@alexm947]

Someone is cutting onions here too

[@rosecastelao6490]

I cry every time I listen to that line

[@zloveless]

namjoon

[@melody-tp8go]

마리아 shut up

[@Marinus2311]

I’m not crying, you are crying.

[@BellalisDope]

Poetry is like a tsunami. It hits hard and never leaves you the same. It destroys and creates at the same time. It drowns you, but you enjoy seeing it come.

[@luke5398]

who the fuck enjoys seeing a tsunami coming

[@Komische1Frage]

@@luke5398 asking the real questions

[@UrbexUS]

Just like daddy

[@thekrackenx]

Mmhh.. just like daddy used to make... wait...

[@goose33]

Perfectly balanced As all things should be

[@samAUT]

I still don't understand how people can think OCD is "cute". It's stressful, exhausting and you hate yourself for being that way. It's not a thing to be made fun of. And I love this poem because it addresses all of that so accurately.

[@MariaRevArt]

Many people don't actually know what OCD is. They think that having OCD simply means you are a perfectionist and that might be where the "cute" factor comes into play. Of course they have no idea how far that is from the truth. We need to spread the truth and let people know that they promote the stigma with certain things that they say, so that it will stop. For example, I once had a co-worker that would tell me a lot that I was so OCD (because I would tidy up parts of the office and re-organise things to be more functional) and every time I would have to tell her "No, I'm not." Not because I was ashamed of the label, but because it wasn't true and it wasn't fair to people who actually have OCD.

[@thenondualisticmystic]

Snoop same

[@FlacidNBeggn]

I feel every day like I am ruining my wife's life with the way I need things to be. Food has to be a certain way or I can't eat it. Clothes have to be folded in a way other than how she did it her whole life. Things MUST go exactly where they belong exactly as they were. Our sleeping arrangement must be the exact same(and with a six month old that just doesn't work because he does not sleep in his bed and this causes me to sit up at night). If there is anything "wrong" I break down. Hell if she accidentally kisses me the wrong number of times(any number that could not be stacked into a pyramid with each row going up by one) there will be a meltdown. And I know it is me. And I can't expect her to understand this problem. It is not fair that she has to put up with me. But she does. And I love her.

[@CGagnon5]

Snoop I hate you

[@siamanshuan4587]

Snoop LOL. Well the answer is pretty simple mate. Cuz they're dumb xD

[@parzivalalchema5870]

"I leave the door unlocked... I leave the lights on" To this day, this line still gives me chills

[@AdamSanford]

When I need to cry, I come watch this again.

[@redonline808]

Those final two lines. Died.

[@heking21]

I didn't understand it. Could you explain?

[@colinies]

+Philosh Bohara he, despite his OCD tendencys which would usually require him to make sure the door was locked (16 times) or that the lights were off, left it unlocked and the lights on hoping for some chance that it would make her come back.

[@natanoj16]

He told earlier how he locked the door 18 times and how he turned the light on and off even more times to make sure it was out. He now leaves the door unlocked and the lights on.

[@jazzballqes4715]

exactly...

[@chelseadelgado45]

I bawl my eyes out every time when he says those lines

[@TheN00bpower]

"I leave the door unlocked" *Heart breaks*

[@Nanancay]

'She closed her eyes, and imagined that the days and nights were just passing in front of her' This is my FAVOURITE line

[@AchieveWithMe]

What does it mean

[@TwoDerpsAndAComputer]

+AchieveWithMe when he'd turn the lights on and off, she'd close her eyes imagining that the light was the sun passing back and forth from day to night

[@christinamae1902]

+NANCAY WANG I got chills, that was absolutely my favorite line

[@Nanancay]

+Christina Mae YESSS i thought that was the most beautiful way to describe something like that omg

[@soccerxnicolexbabe]

+NANCAY WANG didn't understand it at first, then it hit me. loved the imagery of that being the exact thing she saw

[@shnugglebugs5524]

"I want her back so bad I leave the door unlocked" Wow, that spoke to me better than words can describe.

[@shinylipscosmetics]

"He doesn't care if they're perfect." Damn. This one hit me hard.

[@peggiedorismond7565]

***** Seriously. That was deep.

[@sunnydaysluvlynights]

shinylipscosmetics Didn't hit me at all. How does he know that this man doesn't care that they're perfect because he kisses her once? He doesn't. It sounds incredibly profound, but really, it's not. One kiss can be all it takes. One kiss means there were no mistakes before. All it took was one, and that one kiss was perfect.

[@DarkAssassin315]

sunnydaysluvlynights GTFO

[@LuisSoto-fw3if]

sunnydaysluvlynights you gotta understand an ocd person point of view. He kissed his ex repidetly because his mind told him it was not perfect and had to do it again till it was perfect. In his eyes, if her new bf doesn't do that, is because he doesn't care.

[@googlegooge2735]

Luis Soto

[@ameerachaudhry5578]

I had a girlfriend and she had severe OCD. I was one of the very few people she could hug or touch without being uncomfortable. We broke up a while ago and the other day I was walking by her and accidentally brushed by her and she instantly started rubbing the area of her arm that I had touched. It was in that moment that I realized she didn't love me anymore, so that one line at 1:48 completely broke me down.

[@SmashYoureIt]

I'm very.. very sorry.

[@Alleyway_Jack]

so so sorry :(

[@reaper0204]

Dude... I'm so sorry man. I can only imagine how much that must hurt. I hope your doing better

[@anonymously5474]

+Ameera Chaudhry Poem didn't make me tear up....... but your comment did.

[@ro3253]

This comment really got to me...

[@danielJamesFernandez]

"she can run away from this and I just cant"

[@Jasleenisis]

Why do I still cry after seeing this for the nth time? This is a beautiful masterpiece.

[@jaikohaal]

It bothers me that my math classes have allowed me to understand what “nth” means 😂

[@lieutenantawol1579]

It makes me cry because I know exactly how he feels

[@TahseenKamal]

I cry every time

[@DrFobik]

"How can it be wrong when I don't have to wash my hands after I touch her?" I've suffered from severe OCD for 24 years, moderate 3, and finally mild for 3... and that quote nearly made me break down. Lived that quote. Painful to remember. I am so thankful I've worked hard and come so far. Still, I can feel that pain of suffering. Imprisoned by the stupid rules that only exist in your own mind. I honestly wonder how many of my friends and loved ones now would still like me if I was the man I was 6 years ago.

[@esperanzahopejaduri678]

I know what you mean, bro. I've been here for some time too, and I also wonder that sometimes.

[@humanearth574]

How did you get better if you don’t mind me asking?

[@abcm5967]

Dr. Fobik wow

[@hindnhanood]

@Sam Williams you are amazing

[@TheMortal1990]

I don't have OCD but seriously i am crying like a baby, Because love is love no matter what and everyone deserve love.

[@wetheppl5155]

Unless u support Trump

[@jaipasdenomenft7328]

we the ppl XDDD

[@k1w1222]

THANK YOU warms my heart there’s still ppl out there that actually care for real ❤️❤️

[@ZaynPilot]

@@wetheppl5155 😂

[@ZaynPilot]

Yeah I have OCD, I'm so suffering with thinking everything is dirty around me. If touch need to wash hands hours to hours spent washing hands and also 🚿 ....

[@equineegg9589]

9gag brought me here, I'm glad it did... So beautiful

[@ButtonPoetry]

Tom F Glad you found it! Could you link us to the 9gag post? Thanks!

[@ricardoalencar4746]

Button Poetry 9gag.com/gag/adY3q1Q

[@ButtonPoetry]

Ricardo Alencar & Josiah Ward Thank you!

[@Rendasproud]

Same here

[@laurenc1061]

Tom F Same! The power of 9GAG

[@nicolenarcis2800]

So many beautiful lines but "how she turns shower knobbs like she's opening a safe" is by far my favourite. Such a small detail that someone else wouldn't have paid attention to. It just shows how much he cared about her 😭

[@snazzydrew]

"How can it be a mistake when I don't have to wash my hands after I touch her." This line always brings me to tears.

[@siahkennedy6075]

Literally the part where I just start crying every time.

[@Smoovious]

yeah... and the very end, where he leaves the door open... if that isn't love, for an OCD, I don't know what it...

[@fernandomoreno3370]

Honestly, this is the first piece of slam poetry that actually moved me

[@udreams_9532]

same

[@skyethekid]

"I can't breathe because he only kisses her once, he doesn't care if its perfect" a line so beautifully written

[@TheChrispy771]

Look, I’ve listened to poetry a lot over the years. A LOT. And I keep coming back to this poem, because I believe it is the closest I’ve ever seen a poem come to absolutely perfect. The delivery is unique and fantastic. The topic is incredibly interesting. The flow is so easy. It doesn’t use gimmicks like preaching on social agendas or resorting to extremely controversial messages to draw you in. You’re excited about the skill of the poet and the way he presents things. It’s just a fantastic poem and I hope that they still have this one logged somewhere 100 years from now.

[@lisaraye6000]

Oh god , I agree. This poem... Means everything to me really.

[@lpsemilygirl1847]

Hello!! I really like your thoughts about this.

[@AleksandrDemurin]

Can you suggest something similar? I am not a big fun of poetry, but this this is so great that I come back once a year and enjoy the feelings that it gives me.

[@tiagoveiga8916]

His words and delivery takes us on an emotinal journey. One can feel his joy, his love and then his road to loneliness and anguish. This is all poetry is about.

[@Innasence671]

"now I just think about who else is kissing her. I can't breathe because he only kisses her once. He doesn't care if it's perfect." How a disorder can bring out a hidden truth about most people.

[@daisyalicia4038]

One of my absolute favourite lines.

[@Innasence671]

Mine as well, along side with "But how can it be a mistake when I don't have to wash my hands after I touch you?"

[@imsoryimsokool]

for people who might not understand why the last line "I leave the door unlocked" is so fucking heartbreaking, for someone with OCD this is comparable to someone who's terrified of heights dangling their feet off the edge of a cliff, to someone who's claustrophobic locking themselves in a small safe. Like...........wow this line gutted me

[@kandydewey1286]

Wish there was a love button for this. I've seen this video 20 times and I little cry every time at the end. It's like a boulder to the gut

[@mckennaokayy5215]

B I've had really bad OCD since I was like 7, but you're making it sound like it's cancer. Or some terrible disease. Nonetheless this is still a sad poem that I understand

[@nyx0838]

mckenna, maybe because you're used to it.....

[@mckennaokayy5215]

Nicole Xxi it's really not that bad... calm down

[@phoenixmoon5580]

For someone without a diagnosis of OCD, that line is damn horrific as you describe. I do have anxiety that I find doing certain 'routines' help lessen/minimise at certain times when it becomes more intense. (And of course the 'rules' I have about the 'routines' have to be followed, or else it backfires and I end up more anxious and stressed because I haven't followed the 'rules' for the 'routines' correctly!).

[@ButtahscotchKisses]

I didn't realize I was holding my breath until the end when I gasped for air. So intensely beautiful.

[@BabvBlues]

always been a fave

[@ct3731]

This gives me chills everytime I hear it.

[@thediaryofwoo]

Omg right??

[@lindinle]

+Smirky Stirky it sucks that bad.

[@lindinle]

Smirky Stirky because its not poetry. its just some hipster blabbering.

[@Ozzyberto]

+lindinle Clearly you don't know what OCD is like.

[@lindinle]

Héctor Ayala And clearly you dont know what good poetry sounds like.

[@182isTommy]

My wife laughed during this... I think she has no heart. I was nearly in tears.

[@adamparry6142]

Shaquille O'Neal you should kick her out to her mom's, and shut the door..and never leave the lights open lol

[@Alaa54071]

Adam Parry hahahahaha👍 😂

[@desisarod]

Leave her

[@TsarDragunov]

Shaquille O'Neal That's because she's used to watching you perform on the court (NBA) she used to cry watching you play but now she's attuned to sad things. All joking aside we just respond to things differently.

[@matiassoto5137]

Shaquille O'Neal DUMP HER

[@ASMinor]

This a a transcript of the poem entitled, "OCD" by Neil Hillborn. This is a public service, and I do not claim any connection to this poem, the poet, or this youtube channel. *I apologize that the format of this transcript makes this comment a little long, but it's the writing format that I use for my own spoken word poetry on my KZbin channel. Enjoy! 💓💙 -The first time I saw her -Everything in my head went quiet. -All the ticks, -All the constantly refreshing images just disappeared. -When you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, -You don’t really get quiet moments. -Even in bed, I’m thinking: -Did I lock the doors? Yes. -Did I wash my hands? Yes. -Did I lock the doors? Yes. -Did I wash my hands? Yes. -But when I saw her, the only thing I could think about was the hairpin curve of her lips, -Or the eyelash on her cheek, -The eyelash on her cheek, -The eyelash on her cheek. -I knew I had to talk to her. -I asked her out six times in thirty seconds. -She said yes after the third one, -But none of them felt right, so I had to keep going. -On our first date, I spent more time organizing my meal by color than I did eating, -Or fucking talking to her. -But she loved it. -She loved that I had to kiss her goodbye sixteen times or twenty-four times if it was Wednesday. -She loved that it took me forever to walk home because there are lots of cracks on our sidewalk! -When we moved in together, -She said she felt safe, -Like no one would ever rob us because I definitely locked the door eighteen times. -I’d always watch her mouth when she talked, -When she talked, -When she talked, -When she talked. -When she said she loved me, -Her mouth would curl up at the edges. -At night, she’d lay in bed and watch me turn all the lights off, -And on, and off, -And on, and off, -And on, and off, -And on, and off, -And on, and off. -She’d close her eyes and imagine that the days and nights were just passing in front of her. -But some mornings, -I started kissing her goodbye but then she’d just leave because I was making her late for work. -When I stopped in front of a crack in the sidewalk, she just kept walking. -When she said she loved me, her mouth was a straight line. -She told me I was taking up too much of her time. -Last week she started sleeping at her mother’s place. -She told me that she shouldn’t have let me get so attached to her. -That this whole thing was a mistake, but... -How can it be a mistake when I don’t have to wash my hands after I touch her? -Love is not a mistake, -And it’s killing me that she can run away from this and I just can’t. -I can’t go out and find someone new, -Because I always think of her. -Usually, when I obsess over things, -I see germs sneaking into my skin. -I see myself crushed by an endless succession of cars. -And she was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on. -I want to wake up every morning thinking about the way she holds her steering wheel. -How she turns shower knobs like she opening a safe. -How she blows out candles, -Blows out candles, -Blows out candles, -Blows out candles, -Blows out... -Now, I just think about who else is kissing her. -I can’t breathe because he only kisses her once, -He doesn’t care if it’s perfect! -I want her back so bad, -I leave the door unlocked, -I leave the lights on.

[@genuineinterest]

Thank you so much, kind human. I'm going to use this to audition for my school elocution!

[@NoeMjj]

A.S. Minor thanks mate, not being a native I missed few words and now it makes more sense. thank you very much for putting this amazing poem down.

[@ThereseMark]

A.S. Minor thank you! The crowd was too loud at certain moments, it's good to finally get what he says!

[@ASMinor]

Therese Mark You are very welcome. As a spoken word performer, I completely understand that sometimes it can be helpful for the audience to be able to read the text. I'm glad it was helpful. 💓

[@genuineinterest]

Update: I got _into_ the school elocution with this and now the final thing will be soon, I'm scared but also excited and super happy with this choice of piece because it always wows everyone in the room

[@ashleyzombik9598]

This is probably one of the most romantic yet saddest poems I've ever heard. I absolutely love it.

[@ts4gv]

that sums it up nicely. same.

[@chasethemorninguk]

Mental illness is attractive. Until it’s not… unfortunately.

[@nightmiztrez]

This is beautiful. No one really understands the minds of an OCD person, no one gets the 'ticks' mean something. this is beautiful.

[@mattparkin7224]

Irony is the fact that this guy doesn't actually have OCD

[@itsallhappeningtoday]

Matthew Parkin what are you talking about dude, yes he does, there's articles about him having it brandonsneed.com/neil-hilborns-spoken-word-performance-of-ocd-is-one-of-the-most-powerful-things-ive-ever-seen-which-is-probably-why-it-went-viral-who-is-this-guy-and-where-did-that-poem-come-from-2/

[@ellaphx]

This poem simultaneously makes me tear up for Neil, and makes me sympathetic towards his ex. Argh. What a shitty situation. Poor both of them.

[@L0Ldude11]

ellaphx You know it's fiction, right?

[@ellaphx]

It may or may not be. I also teared up at the end of How I Met Your Mother, so.

[@L0Ldude11]

ellaphx It's inspired by Neil Hilborn's actually diagnosed OCD, so this may be a let-out of all his pent-up emotions.

[@charmeddude07]

Blue Wolf It looked like he was trying not to cry in the video so it may not be fiction.

[@L0Ldude11]

Timothy Blonshine As a person with OCD, I read this poem to my friend, and they believed me, it's a subconscious manifestation of your struggles with OCD, which is what Neil did.

[@LandonTristen]

"She was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on." "I want her back so bad. I leave the door unlocked. I leave the lights on."

[@talkalisha2587]

I found this years ago. Met someone and fell for them and watched it together now i am again watching it alone with happy tears in my eyes. ugh life.

[@michaeljenkins7024]

So many of these things are delivered with fake studied emotion; cheapening the work rather than burnishing it with intensity. This dude wrote something honest and delivered it in a way which gave us a deeper insight into not only how he felt in that moment but also how he lives each day. Kudos.

[@BeastJeffrey]

Lol youre too much

[@MD-DOOM]

He doesn't really have OCD. It's a made up poem.

[@baguettebtch]

Superfluous actually he does

[@MD-DOOM]

Kyleigh M You have proof? Hes done other poems without repeating the things hes said. It's an act.

[@baguettebtch]

Superfluous look it up

[@larrythelatypus]

The end of this gave me chills, and I've watched it about a billion times

[@CanadianBadAss999]

The end of this video should give you hope not chills as it represents a part of this man's life that sets him on the road to controling his OCD. He states he loves her so much he now leaves the door unlocked and the lights on hoping she will return...meaning his love is so strong he was able to overcome a part of his affliction even if it was a small part and that to me represents HOPE...

[@larrythelatypus]

CanadianBadAss999 perhaps you misinterpreted my meaning of chills. it gives me chills because his words are so powerful.

[@teekanc]

Only 8 Million views though.

[@applejuice1067]

LIES THIS VIDEO ONLY HAS 8 MILLION VIEWS lol

[@lindacampbell123]

The whole video gives me chills lol

[@alrobin]

"...I want her back so bad, I leave the door unlocked, I leave the lights on" A lot was said in this piece but that says it all

[@juliahunter7889]

that part at the end where he mentions that he's too distraught to complete compulsions- its a giving up of control, its losing it, saying "i dont care anymore," its almost like depression beating out over ocd which is hard to do because the distress that ocd causes is immeasurable- that part is the most powerful to me by far

[@greatwhale6476]

Oh man.... My feels...

[@dzth4]

9gag

[@greatwhale6476]

Meme Overlord Me too bro.

[@CrayZeeHair]

me three :(

[@deccapatriciadriz8109]

me four

[@adrianawertheimer7537]

Me five

[@WJames-vk2kp]

I flooded my room thanks to this poem. Not even a ShamWow will suffice.

[@PedroOliveira-sl6nw]

Weston James As someone who just saw ShamWow, you made me laugh in the midst of this sadness.

[@03thesonnyboy]

You might need BanainWow then. Don't ask Google it.

[@WJames-vk2kp]

Ricky Lopez, typical troll. I'd rather be a "beta male" than a fucking sadist. www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886914000324 "Overall, strong positive associations emerged among online commenting frequency, trolling enjoyment, and troll identity, pointing to a common construct underlying the measures. Both studies revealed similar patterns of relations between trolling and the Dark Tetrad of personality: trolling correlated positively with sadism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism, using both enjoyment ratings and identity scores. Of all personality measures, sadism showed the most robust associations with trolling and, importantly, the relationship was specific to trolling behavior. Enjoyment of other online activities, such as chatting and debating, was unrelated to sadism. Thus cyber-trolling appears to be an Internet manifestation of everyday sadism."

[@zacharyhilsman8914]

+Weston James Sadism is cool. It's general psychopathy you need to worry about.

[@adollfordolls]

+Weston James All sham no wow. Buckets work better, they even help you water plants! :D

[@jarrodhartley9575]

This is the best thing I have ever seen, OCD is a constant battlefield in your head, no matter how much you fight the thoughts away, the thoughts will feed on something close to meaningless to bring it all back. I have had OCD for my whole life and this really hit me.

[@ImTheAeroNaut]

I have it too mate i know exactly how you feel, i lost to much because of this desiese.

[@jarrodhartley9575]

Some days are harder then others but you just have to stay optimistic. I hope that your OCD gets better because although it may not be a fast recovery at least its slow and steady! I also know the feeling of loosing things to this disorder!. Even after having OCD all my life, I still can't believe how one disorder can take control of your life and distort everything.

[@IStabFishWithBacon]

Hang in there! The key isn't making the thoughts stop, because you can't. It's learning to kill the anxiety that comes with them.

[@jarrodhartley9575]

I will try my best!. I totally agree with you, although the thoughts may be repulsive or disgusting they will stay, but if you can eliminate the fears and anxiety the thoughts will become less consistent.

[@Lumpyducksauce]

God this is one of the greatest pieces of poetry I have ever seen

[@DiegoFernandoLoaiza]

Still a classic

[@genuineinterest]

Can we have some appreciation for this line? "When we moved in together she said she felt safe, like no one would ever rob us because I definitely locked the door eighteen times. **takes a moment to do a slight facepalm**"

[@lucasgiovani3618]

The Secondary Aftermath "(...) I want her back so badly... I leave the dor unlocked... i leave the lights on."

[@lauracecilie9257]

Nazish Talati d

[@wyrmbot]

I got chills, completely froze and I didn't even realise I was crying until it was over.

[@krazykenn9136]

cool story bro

[@wyrmbot]

Go back to 2011, mate.

[@Techturtleyolo]

All aboard the feels express. Destination, your heart.

[@MrSottho]

Next stop, Feeladelphia.

[@boyo7918]

+Javier Soto Nice

[@HLhatesmilk]

Next stop, Feelippines

[@julenegocebe8766]

Next stop, Feelaware, then Sad York City

[@quantummiendfuk9571]

Error404 destination not found; train set to derail at 6pm

[@QuashaBabii18]

I cried the first time I listened to this...and every other time after that

[@professornebula6545]

There are many people who claim to have OCD, because they have little habits that they do every day. They might arrange their stuff in a specific way or have physical or verbal ticks. But when you've been diagnosed by a doctor, and your anxiety is through the roofs because of it, it's a different story. It started when I was a child and, similar to the man in this video, I repeatedly checked the locks on the doors. It grew much worse over time though. I was on the edge of suicide because of it. I couldn't function during the day and wanted only to sleep because it was the only moment my mind was at peace. I opened the doors with my feet, when I got home I had to undress and wash my feet and hands. I refused to touch the walls or anybody at all, even close family members. I used to rub my hands on my pants so often that the color on the pants rubbed off onto my hands. Sometimes I'd just sit in my room for hours rubbing my hands on my pants or rubbing my feet on the carpet. I washed my hands and arms so often my hands and arms became horribly dry. So dry that they started bleeding. I was always thinking about some intrusive thought that bothered me to no end. I can't begin to discuss the thoughts that plagued my mind day in and day out. It's a living nightmare when it's at a severe stage like this. Most people wouldn't tolerate it in the slightest. At school I couldn't wait long enough to use the sink in the bathroom that I used the water fountain to wash my hands and wet my hair. It earned me a lot of ridicule, to the point that I dropped out of school and got my GED. Today, however, my OCD has gotten a lot better. It's still a major problem in my life, but it's much better. I can find peace of mind now. I take 4 different medications, Lexapro, Clonazepam, Buspar, and Trazedone. It'll never go away, but I can manage it. That alone has made my life much better.

[@CanadianBadAss999]

I am happy you were able to get some sense of normality through medication. Many lose the battle as you almost did. I don't have any answers for you but truly I am proud at the progress you have made it is the first step for exactly what you said "Peace of Mind"! I wish you all the peace you are able to handle my friend...

[@shelbye7659]

i wish you comfort and love, you are fighting a very difficult battle that many people do not understand.

[@Fingerbangcz]

TheSuperKing OfAnime Hi, I'm really happy for you. But I'm not quite as happy about your statement: "It'll never go away, but i can manage it." I know it's really hard right now and you feel like you will have OCD to the end of times. I also don't know how long have you had it and how deep in you is it. But there is definitely always a solution. I hope my story could help you a bit :) I've experienced very similar thing. When I was about 10 I started being very anxious and scared every night. I had to check my entire room before I went to bed many times. I looked under my bed, into the drawers and cupboards. I didn't want to sleep because I would have to go through all of this. One year later a psychologist helped me with this and I got over it, but soon after I started to be scared of dirt. I started to wash my hands way more often and just like you I refused to touch most of things including my closest friends or family members. I was trying really hard to hide it from my classmates, but I seemed to them as some weirdo anyway so I lost all my friends because of it. I started visiting many psychologists, but none of them could help me. Then I started to take some medication (not really strong anti-depressives), which helped me a bit. After about 2 years I was really tired of it and so was my body. My hair and hands were completely dry. When I started visiting my final psychologist, things got better. Through some step by step techniques I managed to limit washing my hands a bit and also I was able to touch a little bit more things (e.g. a door knob in my room). Yet i was pretty far away from getting rid of it. One day we had to clean a street with my softball team. That was probably the most uncomfortable thing I had to deal with. I didn't tell my trainer or my teammates that I had OCD. We were cleaning the street and I was successfully avoiding picking up the mess. But when our trainer saw that I was avoiding the work he ordered me to do 20 push-ups. It would not be a big deal for somebody normal, but for me... I made the push-ups and soon after I went directly home. I didn't touch anything with my hands. When I got home I immediately washed my hands and asked my mom to wash my clothes including my jacket, in which I left my phone. Mom didn't notice it and it got destroyed. When I found out I was really mad. Not at my mom, but at myself and mainly at OCD. I looked back to the past, what OCD caused. That I don't have any friends, my hands completely ruined etc. I was so fucking mad i wanted to get rid of it right now. I wanted to make OCD mad as well so I just laid on floor (which felt really dirty to me) and started rolling on it. To make sure I would not just go into shower and change my clothes, I started touching all my precious and clean things with my "dirty" hands. The very day I refused to take my medication anymore and few weeks later I got rid of OCD completely. I thing the best way to fight OCD is anger. You just gotta look back at your life and how it would be without OCD. But you MUST NOT get sad from it. It is supposed to make you ANGRY as fuck. Try to touch "dirty" things, it feels like punching OCD right in the face. Then you gotta get over the stress which will come soon after. If you have some precious things, which you keep clean, then make them dirty. Then just keep yourself from washing your hands or those dirty things. For example you can go eat. Try to make yourself busy as you won't have time to think about all the dirt. Then next few days try out touching new things. Wash your hands only when it would be normal to do so. Hope this helped you out. I wish you the best of luck. YOU CAN DO IT! And also remember that suicide is never the right solution. You will experience many beautiful things in your life and especially after you get rid of OCD. It might seem impossible now, but with some hard work you will sooner or later manage to get rid of it completely. Stay strong my friend.

[@bomis181094]

TheSuperKing OfAnime I don't have it that badly but I used to touch things, flick the lights switch etc a number of times that divides by 4, and redo a lot of things multiple times because if I wouldn't then something bad would happen. Now it's not as bad but I still have thoughts that won't leave my head and I wash my hands every 15 min and sometimes 5 times in a row. It's a pain in the ass but I'm getting better :D

[@Bailskywalker]

That's OCPD

[@icelajimenez1690]

This makes me cry everytime. ESPECIALLY when he says he now leaves the door unlocked.

[@LunaVespertine]

My boyfriend has severe OCD and this just made me want to give him a big ol' hug (until it was perfect) 💕. Thank you!

[@AverageThinking]

Say you did it

[@romiadhiman9888]

even i had an ocd bf n the word perfect still haunts me today

[@sarahiibae4596]

I have severe ocd and it hurts & I’m tired of it

[@QuentinFlores]

Almost 10 years since this came out. Every time I come back, the very ending just brings me to tears. The fact that he breaks his OCD to keep the door unlocked & the lights on for the woman he loves. That’s how powerful love can be ❤. Nearly a decade later and this still touches my soul.

[@multo5588]

I'm crying in the bathroom of my work right now wtf

[@noahhaha5199]

First time I saw this I sat in the corner of a classroom sobbing.

[@BILEYBILEY-uy8wn]

Multo r u jokin???????

[@Darqion]

I can somewhat relate... I dont have OCD, but i have adhd and autism. For 12 years i was in a relationship and while things werent always perfect, i always thought we were happy and it would last forever. But around year 11 things went to shit as i finally got an official diagnosis. Even though i've been pretty much the same for years, her just hearing that things will never change. That same day she tried breaking up with me but i talked her out of it but things went downhill from there, until at year 12 she broke it off for real. That's 13 months ago and instead of getting over her i love her more... I'm not a social guy (not uncommon for autistic people) and even getting to meet her was a freak stroke of luck that is so unlikely it will ever happen again. Even if i ever start feeling something for another woman again, chances anyone else would want to be with a guy like me are slim to none.. But till that unlikely day, i still look out of the window, at every car, to see if it's hers. Every time my phone rings, i hope she is calling. I've changed so much, more then she probably ever thought i could change, but it does not matter. Cursed since birth

[@Darqion]

Thanks for caring. I just learned she has a new boyfriend, so im going through a new "adventure" again, but maybe i can finally move on now, once it sinks in that she's definitely moved on. I wonder how much easier this would be if i had any idea how to meet new people. Oh well. Thanks again breh

[@omarsharifi9182]

+Yuri Visscher (Darqion) Dude listen what you have to do is you must not isolate yourself that is the worst thing you can do. Also you need to express how you feel to somebody it's much better than doing it on the Internet. Try to hang out with friends if you can or go to a social even to make more friends it will help you get back to things easier. Avoid thinking about her so do whatever makes you happy or distracts you from thinking about her. Know that no matter how long it will take one day you will find someone who will treat and love you better and you will feel the same for them.

[@omarsharifi9182]

+Yuri Visscher (Darqion) Dude listen what you have to do is you must not isolate yourself that is the worst thing you can do. Also you need to express how you feel to somebody it's much better than doing it on the Internet. Try to hang out with friends if you can or go to a social even to make more friends it will help you get back to things easier. Avoid thinking about her so do whatever makes you happy or distracts you from thinking about her. Know that no matter how long it will take one day you will find someone who will treat and love you better and you will feel the same for them.

[@omarsharifi9182]

+Yuri Visscher (Darqion) Dude listen what you have to do is you must not isolate yourself that is the worst thing you can do. Also you need to express how you feel to somebody it's much better than doing it on the Internet. Try to hang out with friends if you can or go to a social even to make more friends it will help you get back to things easier. Avoid thinking about her so do whatever makes you happy or distracts you from thinking about her. Know that no matter how long it will take one day you will find someone who will treat and love you better and you will feel the same for them.

[@omarsharifi9182]

+Yuri Visscher (Darqion) Dude listen what you have to do is you must not isolate yourself that is the worst thing you can do. Also you need to express how you feel to somebody it's much better than doing it on the Internet. Try to hang out with friends if you can or go to a social even to make more friends it will help you get back to things easier. Avoid thinking about her so do whatever makes you happy or distracts you from thinking about her. Know that no matter how long it will take one day you will find someone who will treat and love you better and you will feel the same for them.

[@hopemattice6787]

That is pure love. I was gone when he said he asked her out 6 times in 39 seconds because it wasn't perfect. He kissed her repeatedly until it was perfect. That man deserves to have the deepest and purist form of love possible in the whole of time and space. He should have the most infinite form if love ever known throughout history and future for all eternity.

[@JeremyRemele]

Love is control manifesting itself. This is control, or rather, the lack thereof.

[@humanpinapplelucinda8851]

"I can't breath because he only kisses her once, he doesn't care if it's perfect!" This was the last push before his words broke my heart.♡

[@SuzieQandducttape]

"He only kisses her once, he doesn't care if it's perfect" FUCKKKKKK that hit me

[@Iselsiaxel]

I don't know how long I've known this video... I don't have OCD, and maybe I don't understand it quite well, but damn... Everytime I watch this video, my heart breaks again and again. What I understand is having to love someone the only way you know and ca, and still not being understood... Yes, that last line breaks every person. And makes me think we can understand everyone now and then.

[@IrlandesLatino]

Ælex DrakenHell Stop drinking budddy. That’s your solution my friend.

[@Cbsilva92]

Same feeling here dude, I have seen it early today on 9gag, so I came to youtube searching for more videos of him, but I keep comming back to this particular one...because in many aspects is mesmerizing(it's moving, sad , touching) and everything that can make a person "cry' even the most manly one

[@100449Katz]

I cried so much in the end, this is the meaning of perfection

[@kyrra822]

Years later, still makes me cry.

[@belleisnotreal]

As soon as he said 'I leave the door unlocked' my heart literally dropped I felt it plummet How

[@Aquanes]

I first read this on tumblr and it touched me because everyone practically has/had these symptoms toward someone (literally or metaphorically) but this has to be the most touching poem I've ever heard

[@ClarkfromtheL0G0]

gosh... Those last few lines.... "I want her back so bad... I leave the door unlocked... I leave the lights on..." you can see just how difficult it is for him. How hard it is to do all these things, it may be simple things to us but to him. it's something that he can't possibly even think of doing, yet he does it for her...

[@yunaarunai7680]

I’ve been coming back to this poem for 6-7 years now and every time I listen to it it just takes my breath away.

[@nosoupforyoukramada7005]

I seriously cry every time I see this.

[@stevenhageman8255]

This poem punched me directly in the soul.

[@xxItsjustme21xx]

The end always makes me want to cry... just a little bit. So beautiful.

[@thismessymasterpiece]

"usually, when i obsess over things, i see germs sneaking into my skin. i see myself crushed by an endless succession of cars and she was the first beautiful thing i ever got stuck on." this line genuinely keeps me up at night. i never knew this could happen to another mind.

[@AngelaShrum]

Love is not a mistake, and it’s killing me that she can run away from this and I just can’t. I can’t - I can’t go out and find someone new because I always think of her. Usually, when I obsess over things, I see germs sneaking into my skin. I see myself crushed by an endless succession of cars... And she was the first beautiful thing I ever got stuck on. **sobs forever**

[@Kogad9]

This is the greatest thing I have ever seen on the internet.

[@ral003]

"What is a poet? An unhappy man who hides deep anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music..." Kierkegaard

[@erinbilliot3935]

I will never not cry listening to this. I’ve been struggling with OCD for what feels like forever and more recently with relationship centered themes. It’s still an ongoing battle of emotions in every sense and defying everything I know to be true. It is the scariest thing I have ever gone through and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. However this poem manages to fill the melancholy with a sense of hope. The hope that I can resist my compulsions and find the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you!

[@Alex-fc8xn]

I relate to this. It's always so hard when my ocd fixates on my relationship, especially since my partner is the one thing that can truly make the obsessive thoughts go quiet. They're so understanding of the fact that it's ocd and trauma that makes me react so strongly sometimes, but it still hurts them when they hear me say that my brain is telling me that they're happier without me and that I'm afraid they'll leave when they've said nothing about leaving. They say it's hard because it feels like I don't trust them in those moments, but they always get me through it. We recently had our 3 year anniversary, which is a long time for a relationship that's long distance and you only see each other for a few weeks out of the year and otherwise communicate through the internet. But it's worth it.

[@infinityknight2891]

I have OCD, sometimes I act like a robot short circuiting sometimes. For example, I might be getting dressed and I open my drawers and I close them, and then I open and close them and I keep doing that until I either snap out of it or someone tells me to stop. Sometimes my OCD acts up at school like when I'm getting my pencil case or my binder I would take it out and put it back in and repeat but while at school I stop my self quickly. All this time I felt kind of like a freak with this problem until today I told a friend of mine about this and he sent me this poem from this guy, when I was listening to the poem a few minutes ago I realized how it sounded a lot like what I'm going through. And now I feel happy, because i don't feel like I'm alone anymore. I cried my eyes out after it finished.

[@sunium]

I can really relate to what you said about being at school. I usually feel like people look at me like I'm crazy. It's so embarrassing but I wish people knew that I can't help it. I'll twitch and blink obsessively and people will look at me and I'll unzip and zip my bag a bunch of times. I really loved this poem.

[@sunium]

It could depending on the severity. But that's a really good explanation of OCD. Like for me if I don't turn off the lights correctly I fear I'm going to be burned alive or poisoned. Even typing this gets hard.

[@cleetoris5791]

***** I agree with you. Must people diagnose themselves with diseases they don't have just to feel like there's the reason why they can't feel perfect in a sense that they limit themselves

[@karlach-ascended]

I watched this numerous times, but still have goosebumps every time

[@Imshanshan]

It's so beautiful that it hurts.

[@irreleverent]

I watched this video years ago. It was when I was much younger, when my obsessions hadn't snowballed into the abomination they've become, when I still didn't have a name for what was already starting to destroy my life, when the symptoms he described were alien, and most of all when I hadn't yet lost a relationship with someone I loved because of OCD. (I would learn later that the last item on that list wasn't even true, but in that case it still wasn't my own OCD) I watch this video now, and it has such a different context; the beauty is eclipsed by a personal bitterness that's similarly impressive for him to have evoked. I fell in love with a girl, flew across the country to live with her, and I got worse. I got much worse, though by the time I was there I'd already been getting worse for quite a long while, but regardless I got worse. She made me feel safe, and she made it all easier to deal with, but it still only ever got worse. When I had nothing to say in a moment, I had to tell her I loved her, I had to tell her she was beautiful, I had to tell her that she was the sweetest human being I ever met. I had to. She appreciated that. But when I broke down and was slamming on the floor with my vocabulary reduced to a single word that'd become my response to everything she'd say, that killed her inside to watch. I could see that killed her; I could read it so clearly on her face, and it made me spiral further. I left her. I left her because she couldn't bring herself to leave me, and because I was never going to get better where I was. She loved me, and she still loves me. I loved her, and I still love her. Not a single day goes by where I don't regret that decision, but I regret daily just about everything I've ever done; that's simply how my brain operates. The pain of losing that anchor, that escape, that perfect person who my brain couldn't convince me didn't want me around... Of course I'll regret that every day. I regretted most the moment when my brain could finally convince me that she wouldn't want to talk to me, and that she didn't care for me. So I talk to her even when my brain tells me she doesn't want to listen, and I cry about her to people I'd never feel safe crying to before. I'm not comfortable calling those victories. That's what watching this means to me today.

[@mightseemmad]

This comment broke my heart. I'm sorry.

[@Sirani]

Are you crazy to listen to your brain if it says you were not good enough for her? Your brain is sick and you know it! She loves you! You love her! All you brought to the both of you is sadness. Get your ass up and go get back with her. Tell her you will seek help because your OCD is a big obstacle in your life which you feel has more control over you than you over it. She will help you in that process, believe me, because that is what a loving one does. It is your time to decide now that you do not want to have one more day of regret in your life, but endlessly days more of her love, her embrace, her laughter, her listening to you. If you want to be stronger than your ocd, then do what YOU want, not what it dictates you. In love things, you listen to your heart not your brain.

[@TheFuschiaDragonfly]

I feel you so much. I don't know whether I have OCD or not, I think I might have it but none of my therapists ever diagnosed me. But I know the pain when the brain tells you awful, awful stuff, and you can't help but believing it. It drives you crazy.

[@americantoastman7296]

Thank you for sharing and for being here.

[@babyxblue]

@@Sirani thats the problem, theres no way to NOT listen our brain, at least for me.

[@proudscorpio46]

My health teacher showed me this in class... I think I was the only student who wanted to cry, actually understood, and went back home to look it up. I've watched this so many times, and now it's in my instagram bio for people to watch. Hey look I commented down yonder XD see I'm looking it up again!!!!!

[@thestupidchannel5624]

I AM JACK you're a good person i guess :)

[@ANiftyKitty]

This video makes me so sad everytime I watch it! You can just see the longing in his eyes as he talks about her and how frustrated he got when he couldn't stop repeating a sentence. This was absolutely beautiful. I watched this video about a year ago and I just had to track it down again!

[@fredyx11f1]

"I leave the door unlocked, i leave the lights on"

[@UnluckyRaven]

Fredy Guzmán R. i leave the feels on >feels.jpeg

[@jennamariedicks]

The most beautiful and vulnerable poem I've ever heard. X

[@1999ankur]

Jenna Luisa Dolezal try “an ode to boys who died for hip hop” i love it

[@singerdude1992]

I love this poem so much. Honestly, when I first listened to this, I feel creeped out, because it sounded stalker-ish, but the final line just changes every single thing.

[@Rickai85]

It's still stalkerish, people in your life come and go OCD or not

[@eddietemple2302]

Rickai85 I can't imagine a more ignorant response.

[@eddietemple2302]

La Nausée I'd definitely agree to that, but I also think it shows a remarkable ignorance of what life is like for an OCD sufferer.

[@ZoeAlleyne]

Rickai85 Thinking of love lost and yearning for the return is not stalkerish. Yes, people come and go . . . but some of them take your heart when they leave. Shrugging and going 'oh well' is not an option, OCD or not. This poem doesn't mention sitting outside her house and staring into her window, it doesn't mention him calling her 30 times a day, it doesn't mention him scaring her, it doesn't mention him following her. It talks about his feelings, that isn't stalkerish.

[@SirMalorak]

While a lot of you may find it comical, it is also very touching and well written/spoken. Hats off, this is art.

[@MrGhoulie]

There are two types of people. Ones who will cry to this. And ones who will laugh and say he's crazy

[@Mercyless4good]

+iTech Help i did both

[@orionred2489]

+iTech Help Well, I for one am glad she got away from him. This sounds horrible for her.

[@ginajane4884]

+Orion Red That's so very rude. Does it look like he chose to live this harsh life? No. He somehow found the love of this life in this fucked up world and she left him because he wasn't good enough, and you're telling me that you feel sorry for HER? That's ridiculous. Anyone would kill to be loved by someone the way she was loved by him, and yet that wasn't a good enough reason for her to stay. People like you make me sick.

[@orionred2489]

Gina Marie Yeah, think about her. Maybe she loved him back, but couldn't take it. Maybe he refused to get real help because it affected his 'art.' Maybe he hid his condition at first. If you've never dealt with REAL ocd, then you should keep a civil tongue in your head.

[@orionred2489]

***** Good points. Assuming it WERE true, how would you feel about the position the woman was put in?