Sabrina Benaim - Explaining My Depression to My Mother

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Sabrina Benaim, performing at NPS 2014 in Oakland, CA.
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We seek to showcase the power and diversity of voices in our community. By encouraging and broadcasting the best and brightest performance poets of today, we hope to broaden poetry's audience, to expand its reach and develop a greater level of cultural appreciation for the art form.

[@marceline_rots]

"My mom asks if I am afraid of dying, no, I am afraid of living."

[@catgirlkyoko7337]

Tim Belger can you not?

[@Bunny-ei1wx]

@Tim Belger i thought it was funny

[@alicebolen9848]

That is the realist thing that I have heard all day

[@williamafton7457]

Im afraid of reality

[@mohammedmagdi7139]

Mom , I’m lonely 😩

[@gabbydilts705]

She was shaking, she meant every word she said.

[@supermuis96]

she was having a panic attack.. Yes, she meant it but shaking is one of the most common symptoms when you're having a panic attack. Anxiety Disorder does weird things.

[@maxxoxo9646]

Lisanne de Boer When i had a panic attack i was hyperventilating and repeating the same words over and over again. My hands, face and whole body went numb and tingly. Is that normal?

[@supermuis96]

@@maxxoxo9646 Could be yea! When I hava a panic attack I start shaking and get heart palpitations. Then I start hyperventilating and then I start feeling like my surroundings are disappearing (i believe thats a form of dissociation). I sometimes also stutter and can't make proper sentences

[@honeymunch1273]

No she was having a Panic Attack

[@sallywilliams7871]

she was having a panic attack

[@meagankerns3466]

It's been 7 years and I still can't find a better way to describe depression

[@jessicabelle8398]

I come back to this video so often!! Because same!!! It helps me understand my feelings when they go numb 🥲

[@luwamalem9537]

My first time watching this and it really did resonate with me. The way I have been feeling recently.

[@ArniLochner]

Ben Howard - Small Things

[@user-oo6cd9rs3z]

Read the power of now book by Ekhart tolle, it will be the guide to the road out of hill for you.

[@sarahf1353]

Same

[@glogo86]

"I learned how to turn the anger into lonely, the lonely into busy, so when I tell you I've been super busy lately"... I almost had to pause it at this moment. That hit hard.

[@SammiTheSweetheart327]

Same here. Instant tears I'm like omg that's me 😭

[@gabrielferrarimusic6795]

just amazing

[@rldancer24]

It’s too real to hear someone else say

[@pjrosello]

"Anger is a gift" (Rage against the Machine)

[@tjrollins6153]

She’s screaming what everyone else is afraid to whisper...

[@mercury4409]

TJ Rollins you forgot to add the “inspired (COPIED) comment” at the bottom of your comment.

[@jeanetterowden216]

@@mercury4409 lol i was thinking the same thing!

[@ashieki7379]

Uhm, the other one copied him/her...this comment is older lol

[@yummychocolate5682]

@@mercury4409easy man... This is older comment

[@lxx.mp3]

those words describe everything perfectly.

[@meydana538]

*_Depression can't be explained_* This video: *Exists*

[@gaarakazakage1668]

I like your profile name/pic

[@meydana538]

Gaara Kazakage Ty!

[@shantcheetah]

This video explains it rather well!

[@githala_manisha]

It has been my comfort poem for 5 years now. Whenever I feel low I just listen to it , relate to it and cry as hard as I can. Feels good after

[@Lys_Alaya]

Me too

[@jenesacampbell8129]

Same❤

[@Jsailsman7]

What I’m currently doing. This has been my go to poem for years

[@githala_manisha]

@@Jsailsman7 I hope you are doing okay

[@Jsailsman7]

@@githala_manisha I’m better. Crying always helps. Thank you sweetie

[@bprior7385]

Fred Again included this poem in his new song and I’m so glad he did. This is powerfully executed

[@agathar_v]

that one live version he did of this... so fucking beautiful

[@mmmmaia]

what song?

[@nataliezavala3113]

@@mmmmaia sabrina

[@b2ue]

@@mmmmaia This song. Fred Again.. - Sabrina (i am a party) kzbin.info/www/bejne/qmeqaGOhl5yjhc0

[@jaclyndesantis6162]

Ya I just heard it. Way to give people a bad trip in the middle of the dance floor. This is certainly a powerful and important monologue, but NOT for the party imho.

[@_abyko_]

She yells out how she feels while the only thing we can whisper is “I’m fine”

[@sleepy1297]

I'm fine =D

[@juliju2844]

Sometimes I don't even have the strenght to say that...my friends would notice that I'm lying....and I don't want to be a burden....have a nice day and stay safe...the world is an evil place.

[@karmatita7575]

@@juliju2844 i hope your doing okay! please take good care of yourself and stay safe whoever reads this. nice day love:)

[@tommy_879]

True

[@juliju2844]

@@karmatita7575 aww thank you . I'm ok....I guess. No forget it I'm horrible but I have happy times. When I'm with my friends or text with my gf. But I feel horrible, because I 'm so fucked up and I think it's unfair for her. But please stay safe too. I hope you are good. Please stay safe, you are such a nice person. You deserve all the luck in the world. Your comment litterly made my day. If you need somone to talk I'm here. Have a greate night and thank you

[@watsyurdeal]

When you're afraid of your parents watching this, and making the connections as to why their son prefers to play video games instead of trying to go outside.

[@renee7006]

+watsyurdeal Same here

[@user-pe3kg4ju8x]

+watsyurdeal i wish i didn't relate to this damn

[@mari-ne6hv]

+watsyurdeal i wish i didnt relate to this and that i didn't know my brother related to this too

[@totalweirdo8538]

This is me right now, and I'm terrified.

[@totalweirdo8538]

+phan ! Who is that in your profile picture by the way. I think I know, I just don't want to get too excited.

[@arianamathews7059]

don’t mind me sending this to my mom

[@ButtonPoetry]

Perfect!

[@RosieHoang-us8rw]

i wish i had the courage to do that

[@ThePrettypoison]

Explaining my depression to my mother: a conversation Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter One day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear The next it's the bear On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone I call the bad days "the Dark Days" Mom says, "try lighting candles" But when I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church The flicker of a flame Sparks of a memory younger than noon I am standing beside her open casket It is the moment I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark, perhaps that's part of the problem Mom says, "I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed" I can't, anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head Mom says, "Where did anxiety come from?" Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to invite to the party Mom, I am the party, only I am a party I don't want to be at Mom says, "Why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends" Sure I make plans, I make plans but I don't want to go I make plans because I know I should want to go; I know sometimes I would have wanted to go It's just not that fun having fun when you don't want to have fun, Mom You see, Mom, each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company Mom says, "Try counting sheep" But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells, reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot baptize myself in Mom says, "Happy is a decision" But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg My happy is a high fever that will break Mom says, I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying No Mom I am afraid of living Mom I am lonely I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely the lonely into busy So when I say I've been super busy lately I mean I've been falling asleep watching SportsCenter on the couch To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed But my depression always drags me back to my bed Until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city My mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat But I am just a careless tourist here

[@ayanahmed2346]

I like looking at captions or writings instead of watching the person or the image and this was a big help. Many thanks.

[@anniemayfield4589]

Wow this must have taken forever! Thank you!

[@Buttslut69]

Umm thanks

[@tetrang-el]

THANKS SO MUCH I WAS TRYING TO DO THIS

[@rolo6356]

@@ayanahmed2346 He just copied that stuff form the other guy

[@shilohsmith711]

“It’s just not that much fun having fun when you don’t wanna have fun mom”

[@GlitchedWalker1]

This literally hits so deep, and she meant every word...

[@axolotl_bestie4928]

That hits so deep....

[@i.wouldgiveyouthemoon]

This is so relatable for me

[@sx2842]

I swear she is a legend This hits different

[@shufflingfate4703]

"I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptize myself in." I gasped when she said that. Most accurate thing I've ever heard about depression.

[@vic__5378]

But what does that mean tho

[@donmoore2886]

@@vic__5378 it means you want to be happy but you just can't feel happy. It's referring to being baptized so you go underwater to prove/show you believe in God or something

[@shufflingfate4703]

@@vic__5378 To me it is seeing happiness in the eyes of everyone you love, living in a world where happiness is peddled like a cartoon drug. walking through a world that makes you feel like a ghost because as much as you want to be apart of it you are only a "careless tourist" as she said. you can never experience it yourself. The sleepwalking bit is just going through the motions unconsciously because its become too exhausting to even try, knowing it will never come. I think she mentions baptism because they are submerged under water, so if happiness is an ocean then she can't really swim in it. it was a powerful sentence that I really felt.

[@tatiahola4251]

Shuffling Fate you analyzed this perfectly

[@ChxssNut]

But I just wish I could just fall in....

[@paytonhamitonn7432]

Someone, anyone, tell her that she just made the world come back to it’s senses. Tell her she changed something inside of each and every human alive.

[@mayukh1854]

Pls watch our video.. If u like it pls subscribe our channel....

[@endmetwt9100]

"Are you afraid of dying No im scared of living" GURL SAME-

[@kirasj9861]

She's having a full blown panic attack here yet she fought out the message and done what she needed to do. Amazing

[@jaderam315]

She's shaking but i doubt she is having a panic attack

[@kirasj9861]

she tweeted confirming she was?

[@kirasj9861]

plus from personal experience myself you can easily read the signs

[@jaderam315]

Oh I'm sorry I don't follow her on twitter.

[@jaderam315]

okay well calm the fuck down dude lol

[@kaylachan6906]

I showed my mom this, all she said was: "I understand you have depression, but your schoolwork comes first" I just was someone to understand...

[@bjkmurray]

+kayla chan I do. I'm a mom. I'm sorry I can't explain it to yours. You are not alone.

[@YumeHatter]

I relate. You're not alone. My mother is the same way. I wouldn't even attempt to show her this. You're brave for trying.

[@animelover1294]

+Laura Olivares same

[@totalweirdo8538]

I'm sorry for not being more eloquent but THAT IS SO. FUCKING. STUPID!!! You can't just switch it off so you can do your homework! If you could NO ONE WOULD EVER SWITCH IT BACK ON AGAIN!!

[@emilydyck]

UGGGHHHH THAT HURTS ME TO THE CORE. Honestly, if you need a friend or someone to talk to, just hit me up :-) message me or something and we'll figure something out

[@ham1455]

“You see mom each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove light. Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company.” “Reminding me I am sleep walking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptize myself in” Wow. How this hurts. Those lines are the most relatable for me.

[@Marie-oy1bd]

Sobbing. Every word, every breath, every tremble: truth.

[@lianamark2484]

"She asked if I am afraid of dying; no I am afraid of living" that gave me chills.

[@ashleykinghorn1796]

Liana Mark same

[@anakinGTI]

That line and the one of being super busy brought me to tears

[@jessicale3710]

Liana Mark same

[@laurastaffel2779]

I Cried After I Hear it , just because it's so me

[@KiffPossible]

That describes my life

[@luisagoico]

"I'm sleepwalking in an ocean of happiness i can not baptize myself in" wow

[@indeeditiscirro]

hidden what does that part mean?

[@sylisd7477]

well when u get babtized you get water splashed on u that cleans all the bad things youve done and she is saying that she cant be splashed with the happy water so she cant be happy

[@fromericaa]

This line. Every single time. Beautifully written by Sabrina.

[@leowander99]

"I'm sleepwalking On a ocean of happiness I can not baptize myself in"

[@TheElephantIsHere]

Perfectly explains what it's like to "just go out and try to have fun". Yes, I'm present in the fun and happy situation, with my friends, maybe even almost laughing at some points but just because I'm taking part in this thing that should represent happiness, just because I went out into the beautiful life that's going on outside of myself and my depression, doesn't mean that I'm happy and having fun - i.e. i can not baptize myself in the ocean of happiness. That's how I view the line anyway.

[@EyeofEmpty]

That was beautiful. The next generation seems to be getting better and better at articulating their pain.

[@danielbreedlove7522]

Because we worked hard enough to give them free time to think about thoughts. Your welcome.

[@misterjoedickinson]

@@danielbreedlove7522 you’re such a hero. Really deserve a medal 🤮

[@ecstasytwins2410]

I'm back a year later to watch this and I'm no longer depressed,it really does get better

[@janaha3107]

I don't even know you but your comment made me smile. I'm really happy for you

[@Thrashmetaltherapy]

She's shaking so bad. She's having an anxiety attack in front of thousands of people and still she continues.... I wish I Was that strong

[@niahsdestruction]

me 2

[@victoriaokerlund415]

Why is this me everyday At school I have alexity attack why I type this one is forming and every min every hour every sec I have one I JUST WISH I COULD CONTROL IT LIKE OVER PPL CAN I CAN I JUST CAnt. Do it no more the self harming getting worst the thoughts are coming back

[@julieannslone5374]

I only unliked this so it would have 666 likes but same

[@tunezsa3860]

SomeKindMetalhead ikr

[@chaotickitten1860]

SomeKindMetalhead I have anxiety attacks talking to waitresses, I can't imagine thousands of people

[@halfastar7681]

"I make plans, but I don't want to go. I make plans because I know, I should want to go." This is so true.

[@haeun4261]

It's just not fun having fun if u dont need a fun :)))

[@shakirazowasky3031]

That is exactly how I feel and it really sucks

[@lucaslayton3974]

I'm making plans to move to a standalone small cabin to avoid neighbors and people in general.

[@Babygirl-ku3wc]

actually,I don't have a person with I can make that plans

[@katlynnpalacios9704]

HalfAStar I know right

[@EnragedCeilingFan]

I am 14 year old girl who has a dwindling relationship with my mother because she doesn't understand my depression along with other things. This made me feel so deeply understood, and I am trying to get the courage to send this to her. But taking control of your own happiness is often the hardest part.

[@ButtonPoetry]

Thank you for sharing! I promise you that others have sent this poem to their mothers!

[@moray809]

I wish I could send this to my parents but I still don't think they would understand, I literally burst in to tears every time I see this video, her emotion is to raw, to real, and so relatable on so many levels. I hope she is doing good and each time I see this video I just want to give her a big hug knowing that she did this while having a panic attack

[@leejiwoon973]

she was having a panic attack?!

[@henriettedusenge4092]

I feel you cz I can't even send this to my mother too because she's the only reason I feel depressed . She always hurt me thinking she's protecting me. Ohhh my poor mom 😔. I feel you and I really do 😐

[@ButtonPoetry]

Yeeeep.

[@idontwannabehere1577]

Depression: kill ur self Anxiety; but what if u died?? Me: wtf should I do now! God please end this pain.

[@crazymafialeader7221]

I don't wanna Be here I know right! What am I supposed to do?

[@idontwannabehere1577]

crazymafia leader I think we just have to wait and see what'll happen next plz don't end ur life things do get better if u wanna talk just let me know I'll give u my email and we can talk ❤️

[@crazymafialeader7221]

I don't wanna Be here of course as long as you do the same

[@idontwannabehere1577]

crazymafia leader of course! ([e-mail]) ❤️ stay save.

[@binxww8108]

It tells you to kill yourself but once you do it you can’t take it back..The People that love you will be crushed...

[@keira9526]

She actually put it into words.....

[@krissyl.575]

Ikr wtf

[@victorblanco8845]

Incredible how we all feel but she explained it perfectly.

[@xink3r_au727]

For so long I couldn't put it in words

[@ruespeth2308]

Slythercorn 59 yeah and it’s hella relatable but I could never say this to my parents

[@sonotsev_]

Slythercorn 59 I didn’t think anyone could do that. I can’t even do that, it’s so hard to explain depression, and she did it.

[@earnwithrk._in]

I am proud of her that she shouted everything while we are even afraid of whispering it! And the way she tries to stop her tears to fall.

[@ZHasher]

Not once have I heard anything come even close to describing depression and anxiety as this - and especially not in such a short amount of time. I am a 28yr old man and I have not cried this hard for as long as I can remember. Reading these comments, and working through addiction myself, I am hopeful that bright days are ahead so long as we take care of ourselves. I love you all

[@sleeziestsleezy]

Wish you power and strength! You're loved as well

[@miamia7957]

i showed this to my mom to try to help her understand my depression when it was over and she said “is this what you sit around watching, because if i watched this all the time i’d be depressed too.”

[@gloriakrstic2503]

im afraid to tell her now

[@Wra8h]

wow.. I'm so sorry.

[@unknownhuman1979]

You don't have to make her understand..If she doesn't want to sit down with you and figure out how to help you through depression, then that's her problem. You can grow to be an amazing human, and maybe even help other people with their mental health. I hope you find a way into having a beautiful life and making it your own :) and remember, if there are 7 billion people in this world, at least one human loves and appreciates you 💗

[@JackieM.]

Ouch, thats accurate

[@JackieM.]

@@unknownhuman1979 People need support and if the one person who should support you doesnt, its like a blow the the head. It hurts and it causes damage. Yes she could be great and be ok but if she goes home to a negative atmosphere like that then thats not good

[@redroses3393]

"I am afraid of living. I am lonely." This. Hits me hard. It's hurt so bad. 😭😭

[@elianajenssen8550]

Dhia Syuhada yeah

[@AlexA-jg3ld]

Dhia Syuhada me too

[@mikelowe7576]

Yes its so damn true every word every feeling as she describes it and yes like her i dont understand it either. But i know the feelings and how dark the thoughts can be. That dark starts of scarry then it becomes comforting. And that is freightening as well

[@crispee_bills]

I'm not scared of dying"

[@ruespeth2308]

Dhia Syuhada yeah I really did

[@pamplemoussebleu8422]

"Besides, mom, I'm not afraid of the dark. Perhaps that's part of the problem." This.

[@2001miri]

😞 that bit got me

[@Bluenosedcoop]

Fred Again brought me here and i thank him for it, His remix involving this absolutely amazing.

[@EgoDeather]

His live version is even better. Highly recommend seeing him perform it live.

[@leslieabreu4867]

*All parents should watch this*

[@farrahmaedemoral3486]

They still wouldn't understand

[@markwerner625]

My parents still wouldn't understand

[@momosenpieee3267]

They won't understand at all... even if your mom is a therapist...

[@jeremylister704]

Leslie Abreu they won’t understand. They’ll just look past it and say that it’s your job, school, or family

[@alsolos3120]

*where did anxiety come from* *I am a party that I don't want to be at* *happy is a decision* *I am afraid of living* *Mom, I am lonely* *but my depression always drags me back to bed* That hit hard.

[@perlaz1591]

It's so true I'm not afraid of dying I'm afraid of living.

[@TheDahmane1]

me too and my mom was just like this write me if you want to [e-mail]

[@heartless2096]

I'm afraid of both. I don't want to die but I don't want to live

[@solong4975]

I'm mostly afraid of living as if I'm dead.

[@idbefamousifiwere3]

I'm not afraid to die. I crave death. I'm afraid of wanting to die.

[@heartless2096]

;tired of living and scared of dying

[@Cinnamonix]

"I am sleep walking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptise myself in" makes me cry. I always come back to this when I'm stuck in bed

[@effeKtSVK]

Holy shit, this is really incredible, now I will have even more goosebumps listening to Fred Again's songs...

[@ramonchiks]

The way she moves and speaks.. You can tell shes putting everything she has into each word,each letter,each sentence.

[@bluestripfiend9426]

She was having a literal panic attack during this

[@dr.plaguecodm3300]

She was having a panic attack, she came to my high school. And she confirmed that

[@emmawinton8575]

Lord Paradox id love to have her come to my high school

[@dr.plaguecodm3300]

@@emmawinton8575 i hope she gets to, she is incredible.

[@funworld8294]

She is not a human well she is. But shes basiclly everybodys feelings some times.....

[@yourlocalloser4950]

“Why don’t you go to actual parties see your friends”....... *Bold of you to assume I have friends-*

[@PGOuma]

Me me me me Me me me Me me *_M E_*

[@jeonsoyeonx7710]

Me in a nutshell

[@Wlfie_kiss]

That is what i said while i was watching this

[@red_devon8851]

Friends? What are thoses i don't thing i have any or any one my mom nope because im trans and bi so i can't talk to her she homophobic and my brother will just tell my mom and the "friends" think im lying and they say "YOUR FINE! GOSH" and then brush it off so =/

[@sockYeet]

Big mood i am super super super “busy”

[@brownguy8223]

Fred again has made this even more powerful than I thought possible

[@Maurelin22]

I only hope she’s doing better now, such a talented and brave woman! She was having an anxiety attack in the middle of this, still she did it amazingly!

[@jessicaboor8026]

In my opinion, this is the only video that shows how depression truly is, not that tumblr thing that some people think it is.

[@eilishmcdonagh9708]

Jessica Boor amen sister. I love this so much because it shows imagry of depression without romanticising it.

[@ToyToy247]

Jessica Boor This video was beautiful in its truth.

[@sabinnag8784]

Agreed.

[@ellynwest9151]

So true

[@annienoelle4964]

finally someone says it

[@ninaisme99x]

She looks so shaken & anxious yet she's brave enough to continue inspiring others with her poem

[@a.steele2651]

she was actually in the middle of a full blown anxiety attack

[@a.steele2651]

*panic

[@foxsin2626]

+A. Steele technically the same thing, you were fine the first time

[@korisx]

I thought she was bringing the poem to life. Some of that stuff resonated with me.

[@veronicajimenezrivas2434]

+TØP TRASH Actually, there's a difference. I asked my psychiatrist some time ago. Anxiety attacks make you feel extremely uneasy, you might cry, you might feel something bad happening. Panic attacks are when your fight-or-flight instincts go in full force. As someone who suffers from both, there's a difference. Anxiety attacks are unpleasant and hard, but panic attacks are completely paralyzing and terrifying. Some people confuse them with heart attacks.

[@briannaramon6291]

My mom is actually the one that sent me this. I am very thankful to have a mom that understands that I can’t put it into words, but her words, for the first time in a long time, made me feel like I’m not the defect on this earth. Thank you.

[@Im_realpretty]

I showed my mom & she literally laughed & walked away half way through she didn’t even think I was serious about relating to this

[@jronpa5756]

Your mom is a jerk. Are you doing better? If not, it's okay. I'm sure things will get better ^^!

[@Lys_Alaya]

@@jronpa5756 it's serious and that's not ok for her to do that my mom is the same way I'm sorry for what happened tell someone else

[@jronpa5756]

@@Lys_Alaya I know. That's why I called her MOM a jerk. And I was asking if the writer was okay. Cuz I'm actually worried for them because their mom is like that. I'm sorry if I have offended anyone..

[@yoshilove1645]

"...Asks me if I'm afraid of dying" "NO, I AM AFRAID OF LIVING".... Words can't describe how that made me feel..

[@theremainingplank]

Most powerful words in the poem.

[@hspolomo18]

Sobbed...

[@lilclaris97]

I was tearing up through out the whole poem but as soon as she said that I started sobbing and couldn't stop for a good hour

[@theremainingplank]

Hit the nail right on the head.

[@kalislahren]

Sleeping walking on an ocean of happiness that I can't baptize myself in.

[@unknown4ever101]

My mom doesn't understand my depression. I physically can't get out of bed and she says "stop being lazy". I'm not lazy, I just always feel exhausted.

[@stillyourlilgirl]

Same here....

[@AmandaPanda531]

Same. I always have to fake illnesses (because according to my mother, depression is not a valid illness) in order to stay in bed. I got to college now and once my mom found out that I skipped my two morning classes and she asked me why. I had to make up a lie that I took some medication for my chronic back pain and it caused me to oversleep. I wanted to tell her "I could not bring myself to get out of bed." but I know she would have said "You're in college. You're an honors student. That is no excuse." I hate that.

[@288theabe]

I agree. It's tiring when you can't get out of bed because of those hideous automatic thoughts that just won't shut the hell up.

[@Sneakysneaky88]

Amanda Dorothy Anderson It's sad that we're at 2015 and there are still people in the civilised world who pick and choose what medically certified conditions they 'believe' in. Having someone there to provoke you into engaging in the world is a good thing, however diminishing a person's problems and reducing the pain of depression down to a personality flaw is fucking poisonous... and sadly all too common. It's a shame that adults (parents in particular) take such offense when people try to educate them on certain matters, otherwise I would suggest looking up online resources about the facts of clinical depression and printing some stuff off to just leave her to read. You're not alone though. Try not to get into the habit of lying too much. It is always tempting to make excuses, cover up and disengage instead of looking them in the eye and insisting that what you feel is a real thing. Getting an official diagnosis can help shut their worst behaviors down though, if at all possible. Hang in there!

[@inthenameof2ne1]

100% AGREE. I get physically and emotionally tired quite easily from the simplest of things, but my mum thinks that because I am younger and dance that I should be able to endure things more. She always calls me lazy and screams at me for being lazy. I told her that I had depression last month and all she said was ''How the hell do you have depression?''. She's the only person I've told but I feel that she doesn't believe me and thinks I'm making excuses for my 'laziness'. I will never get over how powerful this was, I sat completely still whilst watching it in awe, It felt like everything I needed to say was finally said. Perfectly.

[@shivimridula7486]

I feel every word, every emotion, her anxiety, her panic attack, her pain, the point to shout laud and cry louder, feeling to get help but afraid of putting heart out, judging society. 😔 I feel u. I do.

[@CandaceChentel]

I remember sending this to my mom 8-10 years ago when I first saw it because I was unable to get her to understand what my depression does to me. I’m 35 now and because she wrote this I’m still alive; because when the one person I needed to understand what their words kept doing to me was able to finally understand what I couldn’t say they changed. My mom changed. She still has a long way to go and so do I but she changed in all the ways I needed her too before I found a permanent solution to what still feels like a permanent problem.

[@abizadddy]

The pure pain on her face and the shaking of her body kills me everytime

[@Mountaingoat4234]

Me too... She has some new videos on button poetry and she looks so much happier. It's absolutely amazing

[@vannessaanne4200]

Same....

[@gummyalex6708]

sameeeee

[@MegaOptimizer]

you are seeing fear and courage

[@yeonkimin7099]

she had anxiety attack on stage

[@destinytyrrell1957]

I come back to this video about once a year. It is still just as powerful as it was 9 years ago.

[@retroluxmy2869]

" I am standing beside her open casket, it's the moment i learn that every person i come to know will someday die." people have a time.. i feel dead inside.

[@ButtonPoetry]

What a line. Woof.

[@LydiaRosado]

"Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to bring to the party" 👏🏼🙌🏼 thank you for writing this!

[@waylonguini133]

My own family is the reason I'm so.. Depressed. (I use this word lightly.)

[@isabelleoneill5983]

Teh Flooper omg same

[@christinaadepoju24]

This is one of my favorite lines in her poems! Her use of metaphors is AMAZING!!

[@Darksider1029]

This is amazing. You can tell by the tears in her eyes and the shaking of her body that she feels the emotion that she is speaking.

[@tweakiepop]

Agreed, seems raw, an outlet for her.

[@daisyhorn6427]

You can see how much it costs her to talk about it, especially to so many people, and it's just amazing.

[@Basha003172]

I found this video via a clickbait website, and, i'm kinda sad I discovered it this way. Because everyday I keep coming back here to watch this, this is such a powerful video.. I've rarely seen that much emotions in so little time.

[@ash86marie]

i didnt get that feeling , she was just acting

[@Darksider1029]

ash86marie Empathy comes easier to some people.

[@ink2728]

I’m a grown ass man and I feel just like the emotion in this magnificent explanation of my feelings.

[@ladysyberia7419]

"I am sleep walking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptize myself in." is something that really hit home for me. Finally moved to my best friend who literally has saved my life, had a child together & its taken me 2 years after birth to feel actual happiness, and I always felt I should have been happier sooner. Struggling with depression, anxiety & ptsd & then ppd was a brutal horrible time for me. But it was a fight I wasn't going to lose. Taken me 28 years to finally feel at peace inside my own head, inside my own home, and I still struggle at some points, but I'm glad everything is working out and I'm with the person who means the most to me, & who would never hurt me. Love this video, I wish my mother understood more.

[@glowkidcore]

she was actually having an anxiety attack while doing this, hence why her face turns all red. she is a brave amazing woman.

[@milyaallbee9704]

she is amazing i agree

[@paigeyxo]

You can absolutely tell she is struggling but I'm so glad she shared this with us

[@irenelalouve2679]

she re-lived all she has gone through, because trying to explain in such depth and honesty such a situation, takes a deep plunge to what you had to live through.Also, even when you have managed to come out winner from depression, it leaves residues in your life and it takes a lot of time and personal changes in your life choices that will give you the strenth to start building yourself up again piece by piece, until it stops influencing you in a negative way, and remains just what it is just supposed to remain: a life-lesson

[@alicebolen9848]

She was literally shaking l.. Respect. I could never

[@kailynnhowington1873]

She was also shaking so much

[@kaynjt3247]

The first time I watched this, before knowing what she would say, I screamed out "I am afraid of living" with her. It involuntarily came out. I don't think I've ever witnessed something so close to me. I wish everyone understood.

[@lorenawayne4021]

i did the same thing :(

[@Figlets]

+Kay J Me, too. Wow...

[@ReeseMaster3000]

same. I couldn't help but say it with her.

[@Fleshwall]

I do understand, I did the same thing (I even said a whole speel like this to my mother two years before I saw this)

[@dulce.azurine1271]

me too I have depression all I do is sleep and write poetry and my mom doesn't undetstsnd

[@tracebandit4847]

I still connect with this even in 2022❤

[@nikrul]

My throat feels tight and dry now after hearing this... I already know that I will keep this video available at a couple a clicks away and get back to hit for many years to come. I already know I will probably sent it to many people and share it on a regular basis. I'm already convinced that this should be added in the shool program for teenagers...

[@mollyloucks4777]

My mom told me that she thinks I like having depression

[@kellykozak8636]

Parents don’t always say the right things

[@thepriceofsalt9003]

i have nothing to say except, godfuckingdamnit.

[@lordmage3694]

Parent are morons

[@hariomkushwaha9773]

They might not understand Depression but they love us. They want nothing bad to happen to us. Your mom might have said that line out of confusion and her inability to understand your emotions but you have to make her understand what you feel. She loves you. She will always love you. She wants all the happiness in the world for you. So never be sad. Everything will eventually work out. You just need to have trust in yourself. Believe in yourself!

[@Ju-wf1mq]

I've had depression and anxiety for so long it's all I know

[@xxnooneimportantxx8017]

Sometimes, all I want is for someone to ask if I'm okay.

[@TheOverratedDarkness]

xXNoOneImportantXx Are you Okay?

[@xxnooneimportantxx8017]

TheOverratedDarkness Haha, yeah, thanks though. I wish more people would have asked me that when I was growing up.

[@horsecrazy2266]

xXNoOneImportantXx Are you okay?

[@xxnooneimportantxx8017]

***** True. Very true. Talking about everything that's troubling you can be very difficult.

[@sunshine1867]

xXNoOneImportantXx Sometimes, when I say I'm fine, I want someone to hug me and say, "I know you're not." But then again, I don't want to bug people with my problems.....

[@ninabutler4843]

I came here to listen, and left sobbing. Man

[@rachelf8766]

I think Fred again really made her story so relatable and accessible to many people myself included! I hope your ok Sabrina

[@jaclyndesantis6162]

No one wants to hear this when they’re high af on a dancefloor.

[@stephanycasillas6484]

@@jaclyndesantis6162 i did n i cried

[@Taylormineee]

"I am afraid of living!" That- That hurt. Badly. I can't stop crying Can I hug this girl?

[@SnottyKitty]

I want to hug her too, along with everyone posting here. Never lose hope.

[@liyou8385]

i cant stop too

[@gamingshayla1156]

Same💔

[@merieljoybacon5858]

Huhuhuhuhuhu

[@andygreer8645]

I was in pain, and you did not comfort me!! I was lonely, and you did not come to me!! I was afraid, and you would not hold me!! I was weak, and you did not strengthen me!! I fell down, and you would not raise me!! My precious child, I've been waiting for you to trust Me. I've been waiting for you to run to Me. I've been waiting for you to surrender to Me. Your time has come. Reach out to Me. I am your answer. -Your Savior Jesus

[@lemuelaarongonzales1266]

That. Was. Powerful. Started crying from start but “I’m not scared of dying, I’m scared of living” BROKE ME. Puddle of tears. Incredibly sad and moving.

[@xink3r_au727]

Why did you cry

[@neogotmycrack7938]

@@xink3r_au727 you'll understand one day in your life but I hope you don't go through it

[@xxcherry_bombxx7240]

It broke me when she said why don't u try going to actual parties see ur friends. But then I realise no one wants to be my friend cause I've been ditched and bitched behind my back

[@allegraalexander7492]

started crying halfway though... never realized how much I related to this

[@_abyko_]

I’m scared of both...

[@markwilken2492]

This moved me to tears. Hit home hard, and the passion and hurt was palpable. Wherever she is, I hope she’s ok

[@naan_bread]

I found this after the fred again song, so the entire time she was talking I was waiting for the beat to drop.

[@lailahardy5664]

My mother just watched this and texted to say she understands now. I am 51 years old.

[@panfullopie]

Well, at least she understands now.

[@chiamakafriday]

Damn

[@btsmademebald4316]

Wow ur mother's trendy

[@sagecrops7368]

Laila Hardy damn honey

[@K0rNruLeZ]

Poor soul..

[@hippieasmr]

i always find myself coming back to this poem. it really spoke to me.

[@loeglizzy]

same

[@unicornsimon1894]

Same

[@ghostkat]

Same

[@korisx]

spoke or speaks?

[@hippieasmr]

+korisx i meant in the past, so spoke aha

[@azulquezada5259]

She is honest with what she says and has the courage to say it in front of so many people ... I just admire her

[@hearmenow909]

Fred Again.. is a next level genius for the way he sampled this.

[@scabual]

If i showed this to my mom she would get mad at me for “blaming her”.

[@zenny4405]

same with my mom

[@leslielegoff522]

Tried explaining and yup, that happened, so no need for me to try and show this video 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@hemamendon6614]

Don't! It's a bad idea.. I tried.. And all they did is.. Beat me up

[@alanfitchgaming7196]

Same

[@alanfitchgaming7196]

@@hemamendon6614 you what???? That is fucking cruel!! Are you okay?!

[@graceplatt9313]

'I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptise myself in' WOW

[@shug_no_avery8172]

Grace Platt I love her use of metaphors

[@indeeditiscirro]

I don't understand that metaphor

[@Cainslove01]

@Patchy It's a metaphor for suicide.

[@amylytcamacho3941]

Grace Platt tha'ts my favorite part ❤️

[@jesiagustin4812]

Grace Platt what does it mean?

[@koltondailey2473]

This poem was amazing! The line “am I afraid of dying?…no I’m afraid of living” hit me so hard and so instantaneously that I immediately started crying! Having depression and hearing someone that can describe how you feel on a day to day basis is emotional! This whole poem screams to me! If you know someone who has depression or other mental health problems…help them!!! Conversation and concern starts everything!

[@Cicijoness]

I’ve been watching and coming back to this video every year..praying one day I won’t have to come back

[@Hehe-xx1ze]

Lets be honest we this didn’t come up on recommend we searched it up

[@nevaehlesteberg7687]

Just gonna call me out like that huh-

[@Hehe-xx1ze]

No longer available 😭lmao

[@rebekakalinic7326]

it really did come up in recommendations for me and damn i cried like never before

[@Akoyo_]

@@rebekakalinic7326 same it gave me like 5 chills...but the good chills. if that makes any sense (?)

[@randomstuffs3060]

me who didn't search it:

[@raichugaming9782]

Mom: "Are you afraid of dying?!?" Her: "No I'm afraid of living!" This stopped my heart. For her to say this means a lot. She is a strong women.

[@Littl3Suna]

She mean’t every word she said. She was having panic attack

[@vanessa_tillroblox3061]

Same...

[@azviki123potterhead5]

Same here 😔

[@brynnagrace-]

i got and still have shivers just from reading that

[@danzo4270]

I feel that

[@ejennings1761]

She's very brave..... And she was trembling but she still went on and she meant EVERY single word she said......

[@sam_bamm2]

Fred again made something beautiful out of it ❤

[@YehShuhu]

She explained it so perfectly. I'm shaking and I can't stop crying

[@KudzaiBi]

Same. When she said, "Flat asks me if I'm afraid of dying." "No, mom, I'm afraid of living!" iFinally broke. :|

[@YehShuhu]

same. i couldn't handle it

[@Sapphtrash]

TheyCallMeJoey This is so accurate I can't

[@joguevara7051]

I know, this hits so hard

[@malanie8228]

TheyCallMeJoey same

[@grace-lw6lm]

'It's not much fun, having fun when you don't wanna have fun' THAT hit me HARD

[@randomgirl9545]

Agreed

[@charleygatehouse6807]

She is confident about talking about it i can't even talk about it im afraid of living to not dying

[@lynniemorreale-cigal4028]

This hits deep. Omg chills.

[@tiffanytanaka8112]

I cannot stop crying. "Mom, I am the party, only I am a party I don't wan't to be at." damn...she's translating my feelings into words

[@michellee2115]

She has diary and she has laxidav and she is ugly

[@ay7164]

Michal Erenburg What?

[@SnottyKitty]

Michal Erenburg Have you looked in the mirror lately?

[@mayasirine6219]

" i am afraid of living " that literally made me break into tears 😞

[@slcncr]

Same here. Every time. And i have watched this many Times. Best Explanation of Depression i have ever seen.

[@moonstarwolf548]

Maya Sirine yes

[@unknownmonster4509]

Yup

[@ilenec9565]

Me too

[@morganmorgan5261]

Maya Sirine tkfh

[@brunocbecker]

I felt every word of it, and I actually showed this to my therapist. Because even after years of treatment, I still couldn’t put it into words the way that she did. She’s a very brave woman ❤️

[@ryanbella7999]

Back here listening to this after so many years. because of this poem I was able to tell my parents and get better. Hold in there guys.

[@FlipnoteShinyEevee]

she put it into words...

[@mavsss2343]

+Alisha Vanderveer (pupom) Same reaction here...

[@mail2kayla]

+Alisha Vanderveer (pupom) EXACTLY!

[@Sue-vu1pk]

+Alisha Vanderveer (pupom) I cried...because I could clearly see myself in her words, it was so true... .

[@samiyalioness]

+ClickDi Clack I watched this video at least 10 times and I cried every single time. I guess even during the 100th time I'll cry

[@alicetourtillott2721]

“Mom still doesn’t understand. Mom! Can’t you see that neither can I” is way too real for me

[@harrykhan3058]

same.... it's our family who really needs to listen to this....that it's not just anything that will be okey! it's a disease..... that need medical treatment!!! my mom told am just overthinking, I don't have anything to think abt but idek myself why am I like this!!! but my will never understand me!

[@penquinnice5087]

Same

[@shyhutchinson2825]

Literally I was hoping someone wrote this part .

[@aprilrosario6869]

This hit me the hardest

[@Monkey80llx]

Treading forward, one tiny step at a time,…even if you have to build hand rails from the dreams you might never realise but that you should never forget, is all you need to do…All you CAN do, sometimes…every day Stay strong in your own heart and your own desires 🙏🏼❤️

[@kaemadness]

This helped me so much when I first heard it. This was the poem that made my tears finally feel validated.

[@lynniezle]

9 years later and this is still my favourite poem of all time.

[@ronaldlopez939]

"Explaining My Depression to My Mother, a Conversation" Mom, my depression is a shape shifter One day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear The next it's the bear On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone I call the bad days "The Dark Days" Mom says, "Try lighting candles" When I see a candle I see the flesh of a church The flicker of a flame Sparks of a memory younger than noon I am standing beside her open casket It is the moment I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die Besides Mom I'm not afraid of the dark Perhaps that's part of the problem om says, "I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed" I can't Anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house Inside of my head Mom says, "Where did Anxiety come from?" Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town depression felt obligated to bring to the party Mom, I am the party Only I am a party I don't want to be at Mom says, "Why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends?" Sure, I make plans I make plans but I don't want to go I make plans because I know I should want to go I know sometimes I would have wanted to go It's just, not that much having fun when you don't want to have fun, Mom ... You see, Mom Each night, Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms and dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light Insomnia, has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company Mom says, "Try counting sheep" But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake So I go for walks But my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells Reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptize myself in Mom says, "Happy is a decision" But my happy is as hollow as a pin-pricked egg My happy is a high fever that will break Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing, and then flat out asks if I am afraid of dying No, I am afraid of living Mom, I am lonely I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely The lonely into busy So when I tell you I've been super busy lately I mean I've been falling asleep watching SportCenter on the couch To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed But my depression always drags me back to my bed Until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city My mouth a boneyard of teeth, broken from biting down on themselves The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with the echoes of a heartbeat But I am just a careless tourist here I will never truly know everywhere I have been Mom still doesn't understand Mom! Can't you see? That neither can I

[@guadalupenorberto4964]

Can you send this to me on Snapchat @coconut.lupe please

[@sxnny_vxbes210]

Can u send this to me rn? In da comments??

[@wavyyking4754]

Ronald Lopez cool

[@agmarthia8468]

😊

[@wadhaalhassawi3696]

Thank you

[@adelinr20]

I don't even have depression or anxiety disorder, but why am I tearing so hard? 😢😢

[@romina2240]

empathy

[@cadencemorrison5510]

same

[@AL-kl7ss]

empathy. I'm glad you don't cause you couldn't possibly imagine how bad it is

[@casketnap]

it sucks ass

[@hearditfirst8010]

i pray and hope you never do. its brutal.

[@NandoGigaba]

There’s reading it - myself, and seeing it being recited by the poet. Two different experiences. Powerful poem.

[@_impure..souls_3882]

When she said “I’m afraid of LIVING” I felt that🥺✌🏻

[@chrissym4130]

Anytime my depression gets worse I come back to this and it makes me feel less alone. I'm so glad she did this.

[@soniyarana5174]

Christina Henderson same here

[@cupwithacake0429]

Christina Henderson that's what I was just doing

[@lolgurl141]

Christina Henderson glad I'm not the only one

[@caitlindaly666]

same

[@mararchuleta2845]

Same