"By Acknowledging My Parents' Impact on Me, Am I Just Shifting Blame?" (Q&A with Tim, Part 1)

[@inforestsweheal]

"I didn't start the mess, but I'm the only one who can stop the mess. I'm the only one who can clean it up". Perfect encapsulation of what he's saying.

[@BWhite-b9j]

Breaking generational curses, by the will of God. He turns ashes into beauty. He heals. He saves and resurrects the dead to life!

[@Ali76564]

The world is a mess ,Jesus came to be the messenger in our mess

[@charlottetaylor4471]

Child abuse is unforgivable. It is soul murder (as Pete Walker says.) I had two abusive, narcissistic and disturbed parents, but I have not gone on to abuse children. That is a choice they made. People are seriously in denial about this. If your parents abused you, that was a choice they made. There was nothing inevitable about it. Many people from abusive childhoods do not go on to abuse children, which shows that it is a choice that people make.

[@angierox6964]

Agreed. But as with everything abuse affects each person differently. I see my sister parent as we were parented which sounds like your parents. Of course there are positive differences with my sister but perhaps it’s different with narcissism. I’m sure she never beat her children but other parent techniques are quite similar on a subconscious level for her

[@Elizabeth_Harper]

I fully agree.

[@Ali76564]

Forgiveness is never deserving

[@Ali76564]

My mum lives with my abuser 35 yrs now

[@slimshany4602]

It has sciebtifically nothing to do with "choosing" or making a choice. I find this appalling.

[@tinka9291]

Can’t say how much I relate with the hopelessness- it’s like a default switch that turns on when I meet a problem. It feels so interwoven into my system, it’s tricky to override it

[@CorePathway]

For me it’s unworthiness, then hopelessness and overwhelm. And yeah, my shame based operating system is the software my entire life runs on top of.

[@janemarlo4978]

Continue to seek learning about this, practice implementing what you learn, and in time you will get out of this coping-habit :) Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) is a 12-step program which really helps in addition to other resources.

[@angierox6964]

Sometimes it’s a full-time job! I stay in prevention mode as much as possible. Over the years, I am able to prevent more and more. You got to catch it as soon as it comes in do not let it snowball. If you give it even just a few seconds, it can take you away sometimes it’s just an hour or two and I can be good again, but I really have to work during that time to get out of that funk. As one of my favorite authors used to say “ I’m better than I used to be” Wayne Dyer. That is a positive, honest and true statement.

[@pennyrobertson6118]

@@angierox6964 thanks for sharing 🙏 I resonate with your comment 💜

[@SusanPetch]

For me there was a pervasive sense of helplessness for 67 years. When my husband got dementia recently, I had to do EVERYTHING. However, the sense of helplessness still pervades, but it is lessening. I am slowly feeling more confident. It is a hard way to learn. Maybe there is no easy way. It took me 67 years and tragic circumstances!

[@DeeDeeOrr]

I've learned how to stand on my own two feet because of your material. Much gratitude!

[@Monalisa0622]

It has been helping me tremendously as well. Crazy because it's the exact opposite of what I was taught mist of my life.

[@sarahjmount9221]

Thank you, Tim, as always. I didn’t continue to blame my parents and others for all of my maladaptive behavior and poor decisions as I grew up. I thought I was “over it” (what they had done and not done to me as a child). I just couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I still desperately sought their love and acceptance, however, and they continued to use, abuse, neglect, and abandon me my whole adult life, too before I discovered what complex trauma was. I was running amok, getting myself into one abusive relationship after another, being self-abusive, not getting anywhere in life, blowing one good opportunity after another, never finishing what I started, went through a bad alcoholic phase….I even chose jobs with abusive bosses. I had fake friends who always wanted to take something from me. I let my parents and everyone I had relationships with continue to do these things to me because I always felt “less than.” I went through therapy on and off to try and get help for 36 years! None of the therapists, psychotherapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, psychiatric nurse practitioners, or counselors knew a thing about complex trauma. In fact, they made my life worse which I won’t even get into except that I was misunderstood, misdiagnosed, wrongly medicated, berated, and even hit on. Until I came across a KZbin channel over a year and a hf ago - right before I found yours, I never even heard of CPTSD. As soon as I started watching, I went into the recovery process. I finally went no contact with my entire family and fake friends. Then I placed the blame on my parents for starting the trauma based issues but took responsibility for cleaning up the mess and started doing all the hard work to heal. I used 3 channels on KZbin (including yours), did the work suggested in those, and clicked on the “more” link to do the work, and acquired the recommended books and did the work from them, and was able to find a therapist who specializes in trauma. So, I do a lot of work with her, as well. It’s been hard but worth it. I, also, found a great spiritual practice that works for me. There’s no doubt it is my parent’s fault for what they put me through until over half my life was over. They knew what they were doing and never cared about me nor loved me. They don’t have the capacity. But I didn’t know that and how could I if they were all I ever knew? So, I guess KZbin saved my life and you’re a huge part of that so I have a lot of gratitude towards you and your work. Awareness of the affliction, then self-awareness was paramount for me to get out of victim mode.

[@michellelaudet5363]

Ever thought that maybe all your parents had to give is what they gave you? That they were given the same poor tools handed down to them, which you had experienced? Maybe they actually gave you the best they had to give, poor as it was? Maybe people aren't out to get you, but are simply surviving the best or only ways they know how? Glad you are coming to grips that each individual is in charge of themselves and keeping themselves on the straight and narrow.😊 Cheers!

[@sarahjmount9221]

@@michellelaudet5363 I watched my parents give their best to other people and hide and lie about how they treated me. They chose to treat me the way they did. They knew right from wrong. I place blame where it belongs but now that I’m aware of what my problem was my whole life it’s my responsibility to clean it up.

[@ALTheFreeMan]

Awareness is key!!

[@koolbeans8292]

Wow, GOOD for you! Great writing, with great punctuation. I can feel that you're grateful for finding your answers! You were able to make the change, they weren't ! It's the journey to your stage, so keep on growing!

[@bend3rbot]

The victimisation occurs because childhood is a naturally cloistered, but also a quasi entrapment scenario by default. One can be a victim, by virtue of the perpetrator. The important growth toward becoming robust is recognising the victim scenario without assuming victimhood, or a victimsation mentality.

[@writerofunimportantthings]

Hyper vigilant, catastrophic and worst -case-scenario paradigm thinker here. Heavy urge to be control freak and completely shut my life down to avoid any risk because any risk feels like life or death situation along with anxiety and panic. Childhood of neglect and occasional abuse of other varieties. All that said, when i completely imploded and destroyed my life... that was my decision. Influenced by others and my own mental health, yes, but ultimately my own choices to reject help and outside feedback contributed to my downfall. Now my life is just picking up pieces. I'm not a victim by anyone or anything but my own poor choices. That's the only perspective which even allows me the ability to respond and change. Much love, empathy, and support to those struggling.

[@LaSolita1]

Thank You 🙏

[@angierox6964]

Thank you so much! That validation means the world to me. To hear it put that way from somebody outside my head heals my mindbodysoul. I just shed some tears of gratitude and let go of the toxins surrounding ‘not a victim’, realizing I’m not the only one and felt another spark of healing. 🙏🏼

[@PaigeSquared]

Thank you so much for clarifying, Tim. I didn't know what to do with that criticism, of being a victim, when we have had our boundaries violated and we were not capable of protecting them.

[@williampool3080]

❤ Tim your help is priceless. I grew up next to my grandparents on my mother's side. I had tapes of my grandmother, my dad, my mother those were the ones that shamed me the most. Now I see that I became a narcissist. The devil keeps bringing up the things that I did wrong. But you have helped me greatly to reduce the devil, and the other people that shamed me in my head. No I allow myself to say thank you often. I say I love you to people at church. What a difference it makes.

[@codeN_8]

🎉❤

[@Lolipop59]

What kind of tapes are you talking please? I am glad you feel better now . 🤗

[@alexxx4434]

Hence, you need strong will to recover. Too bad if your will was systematically broken in childhood. The CPTSD makes sure you are profoundly stuck in your trauma.

[@TheLeagueOfSteve]

A lot of bad childhood experience has encased my bones in a kind of resilience that keeps me standing even when all willpower is gone.

[@mgraulau]

Patience is what we have to develop for and with ourselves. It was never modeled for us. Thanks for the videos, Tim.

[@Lyrielonwind]

The problem is not having the resources, the money to pay for a good therapist or programme. In attachment wounds, not finding safe people. Making real friends is never been easy, otherwise the sentence "those who have a friend have a treasure" wouldn't be real but hyperconnectivity is making harder than ever to make connections because most people are hooked to their cell phones.

[@TrustInTheUniverse]

I agree that their is an economic component to this. The less money and ability to acquire money we have the more dependent we are on situations that are unhealthy for us. For example living with an abusive parent because we have no one else and can't afford to leave.

[@angelinapalea5917]

I agree 100% so many hooked on their phones yet, so little to no communication What is everybody even talking about??? It is ridiculously ludacris anymore to have a friend LISTEN TO MY HEART! Even my therapist would want to just talk about HERSELF. People say, im a good listener, but havent found not one (EXCEPT GOD) who will JUST listen. Smh...it makes me so very sad...

[@bellak2140]

Exactly. I don't see how one is supposed to take responsibility and make the better choices when the abuse caused one to be literally trapped and unable. The abusive parent caused one to lose out on certain things needed to be able to do those things. How is a homeless person supposed to take responsibility for being homeless as an example when their nervous system is so messed up from the parental abuse so they can neither work nor study nor generate an income nor afford therapy for Cptsd or even know about a theraoist who can help when even some rich people can't find the right therapist? They aren't choosing to be victims, they were forced into this. And there are many examples like this. I feel like this whole "you have the responsibility to fix this now" is a form of gaslighting the victims who actually are trapped and really don't have the means to take the actions or even know what the actions are.

[@michellelaudet5363]

​@TrustInTheUniverse Aren't you staying stuck? I bet if you stop, take off the blinders, and look around, you will learn new ways of coping. But first one must realize they are stuck.😂That was the hardest thing for me.

[@michellelaudet5363]

It doesn't happen immediately but eventually you will figure out how to get away from abuse, but you need to choose that path.

[@Yvuyctxtxtx]

The problem is, I’m working myself to death to get out and it’s never enough. The illnesses that resulted are debilitating and doctors refuse to help. I work with everything in me with no rest and it never ends. Hearing people continue to say I caused it hurts. I’m tired of people looking at me where I am now and deciding I’m choosing to stay here.

[@kotenoklelu3471]

I also very anxious about my illness. There is feeling maybe there is hope. But I told by another channel that mental illness is like addiction. The moment you think it's ok, it all can back at you. With alcohol it's kinda easy for me to not drink by myself. But whenever someone shows up, they want me to drink and everything goes back to hell. I even thought about anonymous alcoholics but they all men and they can force me. My brother visit them and recently he said to me stuff that actually make situation worser. They don't want him to succeed so they don't feel sorry for themselves. They don't want to heal. Can you imagine? They think they were denied something valuable when in reality they will get much more. Nothing can compare to being sober. It's like you were given your life back. If mental illness like addiction maybe it's like being sober, gift that you don't want to lose

[@Ali76564]

Live your life God has given you it's a gift

[@OYensen]

Pure gold right here, for those who got twisted and ran with it. I'm so grateful for this, thank you! ❤ 🙏

[@cameliaturda6472]

In France transgenerational trauma was studied at a scientific level ( see the five wound's , and other emoțional book's that heal our soul's groupe .) 💜

[@val-uw3ki]

Thank you so much for this! I've been contemplating that very question lately and God has led me to the answer 🙏

[@mknels1299]

Ignore their judgement

[@pennyrobertson6118]

Don’t ever let someone who hasn’t walked in your shoes tell you how to tie your shoelaces 😉💜🙏

[@ninashirley432]

People are only responsible for their actions, not others!

[@alicehenri598]

Your intricate insight into these matters is somewhat overwhelming. It’s like you have dissected every nuanced moment with sharp precision. Immensely validating. Personally I can only view your videos in increments and it’s as though each video is worth months if not years of therapy. Thank you 🙏 for all that you do.

[@avalonvalley2722]

its so difficult when you grow up in an isolated, warped childhood to differenciate between what you feel is intrinsically right and what is actually right. the default setting is 'well i must be wrong about this, " or " i have no right to say this" and i can tell you right now that even when you grow old that mindset doesnt diminish. its something you need to instill in yourself. and without trying to put mr fletcher on a pedestal or anything, this is one of the only stable and consistent and wise resources ive experienced in all my years, idk if its a bad thing to say but it fills the gap that parenting lacked. im just really trying everyday to work towards being as personally developed and healed as he is.

[@avalonvalley2722]

i mean to say im actually taking action to not put up with the things i have been, im not gonna say the actions of the past still dont shape my everyday decisions, thats something im aware i need to undo. but as fragile as i am still, and confused still, i'm actually in the best position ive been in ever. so far. there's still a ton of work to do. i'm just really sick of letting life and other people's lives toss me around like a stranded ship on the ocean

[@chrismckillip]

I can only thank you. Ive listened to an easy 109 of your talks and there wasn't a single one that didn't affect me or brought to light so much of my past that I couldnt remember. I was so stuck and then, finally tonight listening to you, it was as tho I FINALLY received permission to move on. I needed that so desperately. I was sooo very very stuck. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you! It's like the biggest door of all has FINALLY opened. You blessed me Tim. It's sad it took me until just turning 75 to finally get and feel the permission. Obviously I just didn't understand until right now that its been up to me all along and now I feel like I can move on. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[@Lazy-Eye-Joel]

I talk with my mother about how she emotionally neglected me. I do this without resentment but with understanding why and how it happend and that she was surviving due the circumstances. I've forgiven her and let her in my heart, we even normalized hugs again. My healing has a healing effect on her and our bond has never been better. ❤

[@vester7457]

Way way way better than burning the bridges with your mom!!!

[@nowalijka]

@@vester7457, of course it is better, but only if it is realistically possible. For that to happen, both need to commit to being healthy and to interacting in a healthy way.

[@mgkos]

That’s made my day to read & I’m so glad you had a good outcome.

[@codeN_8]

What a powerful person you have become. 🎉❤

[@mgkos]

@@codeN_8 the most insightful comment I’ve read online. It says a lot about you as a person. 👌🏻🙏🏻❤️

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

I’m so grateful for you, Tim!

[@bellak2140]

I don't see how one is supposed to take responsibility and make the better choices when the abuse caused one to be literally trapped and unable. The abusive parent caused one to lose out on certain things needed to be able to do those things. How is a homeless person supposed to take responsibility for being homeless as an example when their nervous system is so messed up from the parental abuse so they can neither work nor study nor generate an income nor afford therapy for Cptsd or even know about a therapist who can help when even some rich people can't find the right therapist? They aren't choosing to be victims, they were forced into this. And there are many examples like this. I feel like this whole "you have the responsibility to fix this now" is a form of gaslighting the victims who actually are trapped and really don't have the means to take the actions or even know what the actions are.

[@JFS1215]

Great point. Some of us are much more affected than others. The lack of a public ( mental)healthcare system is keeping millions of Americans trapped in the vicious cycle of abuse and poverty

[@pennyrobertson6118]

Agree 😊💜🙏

[@ef7856]

Yes, I agree. Have you ever heard of Josh Connolly. He is on Instagram and KZbin. He speaks to this topic and I find his work very relatable.

[@natalie77867]

Having my kids was the impetus for me to change; I didn't want to have happen to them what happened to me. Tim's words have helped me so much, especially when I become impatient with myself in recovery. It takes time! PS please come to Australia Tim - we have need of your words, and your interpretation of God's words, here 😊

[@xjjfjfdjdh9993bbhhhh5hjjjjd]

Actually, this is not just children. I was stuck in a group in which I didn't want drama, but there was a covert narcissist that was attacking me. I didn't understand it at the time, and I still don't exactly know if the person is a covert narcissist, but I had to sacrifice the group from my life, because of that person, and a few other people that I couldn't tell if were flying monkeys or just felt too poised in a position of power that they too started to pressure "the rules" unevenly upon me. It has just made me see narcissism everywhere, and it has been isolating and depressing. Today, I decided to let God heal me and try my best to give each person at least one chance and temper this new judgemental attitude that has developed from my trauma.

[@ChildFirst]

1:06...... Question 1:42...... Answer a 5:08...... Answer b 5:58...... Answer d, e 9:36...... Answer f, g

[@ursalaminor8457]

People just love victimizing victims for their victimhood. That’s part of what is so hard..it’s very messy. Be gentle with yourselves readers some of us have known these things for decades yet lumber on in pain without glory, money, credit or successful self help Utube channel. (It’s all self help now)

[@Lyrielonwind]

Every time I complaint about any unfairness in my childhood I was told I was playing victim and that's a way to shut you up and keep you down. I like stoicism but not to the point to keep me mute against abuse and it seems there are too many channels about it. Sometimes I think is a way to keep citizens mute so we don't complaint and don't bother. Governments prefer people in isolation without means of making communities. In my country there have been cases where secret police introduced themselves in social groups. Soon even being home less might be ilegal.

[@michaelsantinon8231]

The truth is that we definitely have others to blame for everything that we experience, and that relates to both our positve and negative experiences..and thats a plain and simple fact..

[@angelinapalea5917]

Dear God* Do u think a man could find his way to me JUST LIKE TIM??? It feels as if hes spesking to me re:Complex Trauma & True Recovery I ask u immensely bless this mans socks off, who is walking , teaching & loving according to his TRUE BLUE GIFTS & CALLING!!! I AM SUPER THANKFUL FOR THIS MANLY MAN!!! GRATITUDE* TIM FLETCHER

[@ninashirley432]

I know my parents were sick when I was a little girl! They were a great role model for someone I didn’t want to be.

[@slimshany4602]

Great for you. I was brainwashed. Get educated.

[@LadybugLuvblahblah]

My problem is that it took me so long to even admit that I had been victimized and I refused to go get help because I didn’t wanna be a victim and then I went through a phase of accepting that I had been a victim and then I got stuck. And I’m just having a lot of trouble getting out of that place because I am in so much grief over what I’ve lost that I can’t seem to move forward. My husband always tells me that I’m getting better and that he sees improvements, but I’m just so tired. It feels like the sadness is never going to end.

[@goblinsRule]

If the person has been traumatized growing up, he or she misses critical elements to regulate their life and make right judgements and take right actions, if the life required swimming, snd your parents didn't taught you swimming, there is no way on earth you can float on water, even if you acknowledge all, because just like an addict, who has difficulty quitting drugs, traumatized people have difficulty quitting their poor themselves wnd come out great, a good start and consistent effort over the years needed to learn the things your caregivers never gave you

[@angelinapalea5917]

My heart goes out to u, my friend. im 50 years old and dont know how to swim only doggie paddle. It is terribly terribly dihabilitating & sometimetimes almost even crippling. I dont wish to remein stuck like Chuck but everyday is an uphill battle. I dnt mean to sound like a comlpainy Lou but sso often i come across...HOW CAN U TEACH URSELF WHAT UVE NEVER BEEN TAUGHT??? I will never give in or quit its just exhausting!!! You r not alone!!! xoxo"s keep truckin' Keep ur eye on the prize thats set before us...HEALING!!!

[@vester7457]

Plus, our mortal lives are only so long and a bad start casts a long long shadow into adulthood. Like being a Olympic runner hunched at the start waiting for the gun to go off and suddenly getting a 50 pound pack thrust on your back

[@avp6730]

I would add that with trauma it takes you a long time to even realize that some things aren't right before you can even start on fixing them.

[@lalaland3928]

❤❤❤❤❤

[@pennyrobertson6118]

💜🙏

[@jenme2390]

Yes you have RESPONSIBILITY. But to me, CPTSD and being abused is someone mentally BEATING you for years or cutting off limbs. You can't necessarily SEE the damage but the fundamentally impacted your brain and important systems including the nervous system. This can even significantly impact your ability to WORK and make money. People get disability for CPTSD and PTSD because there is often times a valid connection between the damage that was done and your ability to support oneself...in this ECONOMY. lol The damage doesn't STOP when the parents are "out" of the picture. They made SURE of that. Yes, you can take the steps but I think it is important not to take for granted the REAL battle people with this trauma have to face especially, as someone mentioned below when access to good evidenced based proven help is not a priority in our medical system, to our government, accessible to suffering citizens. Our country isn't built to facilitate healing. It's built for capitalism. Period.

[@Isabel-j1n]

I completely agree, there's so much intense and painful work between realizing who did what to you during childhood and learning to make good decisions that don't harm yourself. Besides, as you pointed out, there's a whole system in the present that is against healing. Accepting responsibility and committing to change are not accessible stages for everybody at any moment, and unfortunately not just a matter of decision.

[@CorePathway]

All true, and also there is only so much the medical/therapeutic community can do. I am so grateful for Tim, the Crappy Childhood Fairy, and other channels, and also for Codependents Anonymous, Adult Children of Alcoholics and dysfunctional families, etc. I need to involve others in my healing, to feel that sense of belonging I crave.

[@jenme2390]

@@CorePathway That’s kind of like saying there’s only so much medical doctor’s can do for physical diseases, which is true. However, sometimes what they CAN do is a significant amount and allows the person to live a full quality life whereas they couldn’t before. There are proven ways of dealing with CPTSD specifically but it doesn’t help that they refuse to include it even in the DSM even though it was voted TO include it the last vote they made on this AND people who know what it is and know how to properly treat it cost hundreds of dollars a session….multiple hundreds and don’t take any type of insurance. We don’t even need to talk about what the “only do much they can do” is when it is not ACCESSIBLE to people who are NEED it and are suffering. People wouldn’t withhold Chemo from a cancer patient if that’s the path they would like to take. People with CPTSD are just left out to dry and expected to magically get better by what? Osmosis. LISTeNinG to people talk about these things. No. It takes TREaTmENt just like many physical and mental disorders.

[@pennyrobertson6118]

@@jenme2390 agree with your comment 💜🙏

[@jenme2390]

@@pennyrobertson6118 Thank you.☺️

[@ninashirley432]

Yep 💯 I am so grateful ! Not true I lived in a stairwell @ age 14 , sure I was still rapped a few times after that. to avoid going through anymore sexual abuse! We just have to just now that one day we will be adults! Police and therapist will take advantage of people that it been survivors of childhood abuse, because they get paid by quite often more drug children. I was one of the lucky ones being born with common sense because I want to people like you now as an adult, I would like to stand out in the community and speak up against police officers, mental health professionals, docs, and so forth ! You need some help my friend I feel so sorry for you

[@boink8653]

How do I stop being the victim? I realise I'm doing it, but how do I actually stop ? How do I accept and realise my potential??

[@pennyrobertson6118]

I found liberation & healing in Buddhist teachings & meditation 💜🙏🪷

[@iamwhatever1394]

What if you do everything right, and everything still goes wrong.

[@Wildflowersong]

I think we need a different word for ‘victim’ as defined here by talking about blaming others. Because the literal definition of a victim is “a person harmed, injured or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action.” This is different than “playing a victim”. It is victim shaming and NOT wrong to assign correct responsibility, though, we cannot FORCE or ensure that others who harm us will take responsibility, pay damages and restitution, and so we must sometimes recover on our own without getting justice in the moment.

[@alexxx4434]

This fear of being called a victim is derived from hyper-individualist western mentality, as in absolving others of their wrongdoings (especially parents) - it's you who didn't adopt poperly, it's all your fault.

[@codeN_8]

Agree.

[@pennyrobertson6118]

Agree with your comment @Wildflowersong 💜🙏

[@lahicks9773]

I have come to realize that everything that happened to me before I was 18 yrs old is on my parents however, everything after I turned 18 including those childhood wounds are mine to figure out, to heal and grow from. I had to accept that my parents were wounded children who did not heal. I have learned to accept that my parents were not what I needed as a child but they are the ones I got. I had to make peace with it. We all do the best we can from where we came from. There is no growth without healing and there is no healing without understanding and some type of forgiveness. ❤

[@fatherburning358]

Well put. Yes indeed 100%. I do wish I'd known that when I turned 18 😂 it is what it is and I'm in control now 🙏

[@charlottetaylor4471]

Child abuse is unforgivable. It is soul murder (as Pete Walker says.) I had two abusive, narcissistic and disturbed parents, but I have not gone on to abuse children. That is a choice they made. People are seriously in denial about this. If your parents abused you, that was a choice they made. There was nothing inevitable about it. Many people from abusive childhoods do not go on to abuse children, which shows that it is a choice that people make.

[@pennyrobertson6118]

@@charlottetaylor4471 I agree with you, thanks for sharing wise words 😊💜🙏

[@lahicks9773]

@@charlottetaylor4471 living in anger is just as bad. That anger bleeds out to others even your children.

[@lahicks9773]

@@charlottetaylor4471 i have suffered many traumas in my childhood from my parents and other family member, unspeakable things. I have been working on myself for a long time. I have went through the stages of grief many times. I have understanding and some type of forgiveness. It's not perfect but it's what I am capable of giving myself. I am not saying child abuse is acceptable. What I experienced is what I experienced. Living in anger for the rest of my life would be adding salt to the wound. Look up Louise Hay. She offers wisdom for healing. You get to decided if you want to be angry but I promise you it will leak out of you without you even realizing it.

[@mknels1299]

Tim speaks to us all❤

[@Ali76564]

Thanks

[@harmonicresonanceproject]

I do these in the morning now that my healing is accelerating. Thank you, and your team, and you out there. It's the 'Great UnRiddling' :) oNwards!

[@triumfant2]

Wow spot on!!thank you

[@an2984]

I don't know how to look at the actions of my parents when I still love them and want to honour them.

[@julieward7436]

Thank you.

[@judybinnie2745]

Thankyou.

[@ninashirley432]

Wake up to yourself, boundaries don’t not stop people! Please educate yourself

[@claricestarling2428]

Danke!

[@angelisa368]

This is great and all, but when you’ve never had a healthy mindset, this is still challenging.

[@erric288]

I can say I was victimized in the past, and that in some sense I can be rightly called a victim, but that does not mean it becomes a part of my identity that I then act out of without moving to healing.

[@stefgreen5237]

I don’t like the word victim being used that way. It shouldn’t be used as a moral judgement - it’s just a description that something happened to someone. What the person chooses to do with that afterwards is something else.

[@pennyrobertson6118]

Agree with you 💜🙏

[@weisnixe1979]

Yes, unfortunately the word has changed the meaning over the time. This reflects the trend in society not having compassion for people who are suffering and being at a lower point in life. I would say it even changed its meaning to the opposite: accuse the person of what happened to them. 😢 Also the term: „victim mentality“ is so obsolete because the victim can actually not change themselves from their own because they were victimand got abused and never developed the skill or knowledge that they could take control of their situation themselves. They would if they could and not be at this miserable place…is like a sort of victim shaming… However I understand what Tim Fletcher means and I know from which point he is coming. He just adapted to the language that the majority is using today a days in order to make his point and not sounds to confusing. Also if he talks this way he is showing us (the victims) that actually we really indeed have (and almost always had, except in childhood) the power to regulate our communication and interaction with others to be healthy and not hurtful with keeping firm boundaries. Tim Fletcher is bringing healing to me and so many others. I wish him Gods blessings ❤

[@janetklumper6048]

Question, i taught i saved my children te childhood i had, how bitter does it no wbfeel to be of contact with the youngest of three and that hurts me beyond my happiness for the other two, it feels like tremendous failing and i can't cope with it😢😢😢

[@pennyrobertson6118]

This has been my heartbreaking experience also 😞💜🙏

[@jerseyshore7438]

so GRATEFUL for all your clear explanation. thank you Tim❤😊

[@SteveIglesias]

It takes will power to go get help they don't want to admit there's a problem...so it goes on for years really a sad way to live

[@BAfan2024-n5n]

Was there a slide with "c" that was left out, or was there an error in numbering?

[@pennyrobertson6118]

Definition of a Victim: “someone or something that has been hurt, damaged, or killed or has suffered, either because of the actions of someone or something else, or because of illness or chance”. I was the victim of extreme child abuse until I ran away on my 16th birthday. I am now in my 60’s & although I still live with CPTSD, I have managed to heal my war torn heart. It does however, annoy me when others (who may or may not have actually experienced being the victim of chronic child rape) have the audacity to lecture me on how it is not okay to be a victim. I was a victim & nothing can change that fact. I cannot pretend that I wasn’t & no one else can insist that I wasn’t. I am ok with it & I received justice in the courtroom. To tell me that I shouldn’t call myself a victim is like telling me that my trauma is not valid & it makes me feel shame all over again & that there’s something wrong with me if I cannot pretend that I wasn’t a victim. Just because someone is a victim of abuse & crime doesn’t imply they are not healed & mentally well. As you may gather, this podcast has triggered me 😉💜🙏

[@inforestsweheal]

Did you actually watch this video? He's not saying you can't call yourself a victim. He's saying that you can't let your past traumas be an excuse for continuing to make bad decisions in your current life AND blaming others and things that happened in the past for those decisions that you are making now.

[@mistykuoha-silva7167]

I send you nothing but the warmest most loving and healing hug. You've suffered greatly. XOXO

[@angelinapalea5917]

dear Penny i am 100% with you ! Now what to do w/ the cptsd behaviors that stem frm all of the traumas , history of sexual abuse as a child young adult & woman. You know the ones that have left us dissabled unable to do a simple grocery shopping or go n gt a cup of coffee??? I feel as if i hafta learn how to crawl all over again....

[@michellelaudet5363]

​@@angelinapalea5917yep. But learning to crawl leads to walking again!😅But it's work.

[@pennyrobertson6118]

@@inforestsweheal yes, I watched the video until the end & I do understand what he is saying. But obviously you do not understand my perspective. I was triggered by these ongoing platitudes that are presented to victims of extreme childhood trauma. Platitudes do not help the symptoms of a brain injury 💜🙏

[@crs_stl]

I know I have to do the work but I’m angry that I was put in this position in the first place. I’m traumatized as a child and then I have to do all the hard work to fix it. So frustrating.

[@michellelaudet5363]

Then deal with your anger. I bet you actually got the best the people around you as a child had to give. Something has to change, hence the anger. Figuring out the anger and why will help you change it. But yep, you will pass on only your best, and all of us are lacking enough wisdom to be our best self to those around us... now what?

[@steffi5945]

@@michellelaudet5363this is the second unhelpful comment I have read from you. Please be more supportive and cut back on the lecturing.

[@charlottetaylor4471]

Child abuse is unforgivable. It is soul murder (as Pete Walker says.) I had two abusive, narcissistic and disturbed parents, but I have not gone on to abuse children. That is a choice they made. People are seriously in denial about this. If your parents abused you, that was a choice they made. There was nothing inevitable about it. Many people from abusive childhoods do not go on to abuse children, which shows that it is a choice that people make.

[@crs_stl]

@@michellelaudet5363people like you…

[@michellelaudet5363]

@steffi5945 Actually, it SEEMS like you believe yourself to be the center of everything and everyone must support only you and your perspective. That is my take on what you are writing. Go listen to the video again. Maybe three four times, until you hear the speaker agreeing with what I am saying. You want to stay stuck, maybe the "bad" people around you actually are trying to give you uplifting advice, which you don't want to hear, so you get defensive. I don't know how else to explain this, and maybe I am not as tender as I can be, partly because I don't know you at all, but nothing I said wishes you ill will. That's all in your own take. I truly wish you well, hence I brought up a thing I learned to do vis-a-vis my own childhood trauma. God bless you!

[@chatitup2943]

I love the way you present your material. It's precise, specific, and exact. Thank you so much!

[@jodycasey6936]

I don’t think my choices are bad. Ive done and tried everything.

[@rafeeqwarfield9690]

This was super helpful thanks

[@ryanpage1178]

Great message Tim, thank you.

[@Leirothehero]

I guess my way of looking at it is yes when I was younger I was abused. Was it the most horrific abuse ever? No. Was it enough to start bad cycles and bad habits? Yes. Rather than cry about my past, learning to be forgiving to myself and those who cared for me. Even if they aren’t willing to change, you must be. If you do what they do, even after you notice the morality, thats when you kind of lose who you are.

[@babyshooz]

Well articulated! Thank you!!

[@rdbare4216]

Good job! Thank you

[@dg2517]

Thank you for articulating this so well

[@raeRenae1]

I wasn’t raised

[@innasafa2119]

This video is so powerful. Thank you 🥲

[@jayoshree7655]

Nice suggestion, thank you Sir 🙂

[@joeschmo7957]

There is much I want... and need to say because Tim is spot on and so frighteningly accurate in his assessments. I will not express it here simply because of cancel culture, mostly, as this element has found its way into my life in an effectively negative manner. Kind of a shame, really. People have to limit, even censor themselves because of the way the world is. Shame on social media and the corporate mentalities borne of it. I will locate a safe space amongst those who 'get it". And that is not here.

[@pennyrobertson6118]

I resonate with you & agree. I’ve realised that expressing an opinion here tends to attract other people’s deluded opinions. Unfortunately it triggers my rage when others offer ignorant platitudes or religious dogma. For this reason I shall no longer share in the comments. I’m so tired of being patronised by the “holier than thou” Christian dogma that unfortunately has a condescending tone. May you find some kind of peace of mind 😊💜🙏🪷

[@jilross4892]

Folks who became victims have limited capacity to make good choices even in their adult lifes.

[@janetklumper6048]

Sorry i dont agre

[@CorePathway]

@@janetklumper6048but…you are here, aren’t you? May I ask why if you have the full capacity to make good choices in your own life? I’m here because I too have had a limited capacity to do so.

[@pennyrobertson6118]

Your statement is not true. This may be your own experience but is definitely not true for everyone else 😊💜🙏

[@janetklumper6048]

​@@CorePathwayi took from my childhood to do it very different with my own children, the youngest of three did go no contact so still i did not succeed 😢

[@jilross4892]

@@pennyrobertson6118 and I am not talking for everyone else but for many

[@pennyrobertson6118]

Not able to comment

[@GodTurnItAround]

I felt too broken. I gave up. I surrendered. It was all too heavy a burden. I was literally in hell. What was I not seeing? It was in that moment that I pictured the cross. My thoughts were lead to Jesus. I cried and I called to him. I had spent my life searching for love, and when the Father's love descended upon me that day, I will never look for love in anything else ever again. If God could find ME worthy, He can find anyone worthy. And His healing is free. I pray that in these moments of darkness that you might choose to use your free will to invite Jesus into your life. 🙏

[@helenenorman3598]

Blessings from Sweden 🇸🇪

[@tnpm718]

Only because you want to change that doesn't mean you can. And only because you change what you can you're not yet healed. I have tried so much in my life and still I have literally lost everything. I hate it so much that whenever you tell someone about your ruined life and you're hopelesness, they just diagnose you victim mentality. If you only really wanted you would be just fine. You only didn't understand you have to take responsibility. I couldn't imagine a bigger slap in the face. And never ever complain about how others really have done you wrong or about your sad childhood: the story is clear, you don't even try to change, you lazy bastard... And then, instead of compassion you get a long list of nonsense that certainly would have helped you, but you were too stupid and comfortable to even try...

[@slimshany4602]

Yess 👍💛

[@AmandaJuneHagarty]

When I realized that I had been abused there always a really complex thing that happened. First it was several people who were not even linked who abused me in childhood. My mom, baby sitters, step brothers, moms boyfriends. And when I was you g I felt like like this was happening because I was bad, or I had done something that made it happen. Otherwise, why would it keep happening over and over? But then I realized they were all adults or older teens. Always people in a position of power over me, sometimes people I thought I could trust or who were like father figures and I was a child. Nothing about that was my fault. Then as I grew up a people pleaser, it kept happening over and over in group settings, work or friendships that people would behave in a manipulative and toxic way and I would eventually have to quit my job,end the friendship, leave the group....I was always running away. At a certain point I realized this was from me being a people pleaser and that it was a pattern that was repeating because I was a magnet for narcissistic and manipulative types of people. But at that point I was just saying "oh that person is abusive, not my fault" with a "cqnt blame the victim" POV. Anytime I thought "maybe I did something and maybe I should have done something different" I felt like I was bad or wrong because I was "blaming the victim" if I did that. And then one day I had this aha moment where I just figured out how to get around that with semantics. If I recognize that I played a role in my abuse, that is not "blame" it's just realizing that I was not passive and that if I could work on my people pleasing tendencies, I might have more control over the situation if it happened again. Thats not.blaming or assigning fault. That's just recognizi g that I play a role in my world. That I actually have more control than I was giving myself credit for.

[@KossolaxtheForesworn]

I think Im going right direction then.

[@TrustInTheUniverse]

Boundaries are only worth setting if they can be enforced and if their benefit exceeds their cost. If you're dependent on someone for a place to live, for example, and they are threatened by your boundaries and punish you for setting them, boundaries lose their power. Also, if you can't enforce those boundaries because they hold all the power boundaries lose their power. In these cases, wouldn't you be powerless and therefore be a victim?

[@waynepolo6193]

Not power- _less…_ but certainly under severe impediment. Just look at Amanda Berry. When the opportunity arose, she seized it, availing herself of the little power she had left to her.

[@MrBrunoUSA]

this was so me when i was in my twenties. no wonder i was such a failure in those years. thankfully ibroke out of that and started healing

[@michaelgarrow3239]

Being victimized doesn’t mean that it’s a lifestyle choice. Also; denying what happened is probably worse.

[@mgkos]

I found changing the word victim to target helped in my life immeasurably. Pulled so much of the carried feeling of shame out of me & back where it belonged, onto the perpetrator.

[@ShanonPotter]

Perhaps if they have never been shown how yo set healthy boundaries modeled to them or how to enforce those boundaries as an adult do not have those skills.

[@richellepeace4457]

Your shallow and have no desire for justice, just level the playing field moving the 50 yard line to suit your purpose. When you daughter is having a destroyed nervous system and nightmares because of the pile of men that were atop her you be sure and give her her chore list to overcome! If she doesn't welcome all her torments with an overcomers attitude its her fault. Remind her her attackers were broken and are not responsible....

[@pennyrobertson6118]

I understand your pain & perspective 💜🙏

[@jacktesmer]

This is how I've felt but haven't fully articulated, thanks for sharing!

[@mariaregi2671]

Great explanation! Thank you very much. Now it's clearer for me: 1. I can bring back the past and 2. my decision ‘to be happy’ has set me free. Nevertheless, I am often emotional. Is it true that people who react emotionally are always victims?

[@MarcelGraumans]

I like most of the videos, but this one is cringe. People do not live in a vacuum. This is what's wrong with therapy and "advise" / "information" like this in general. In this case the road to hell is paved with good intention. It's such a simplitic view and so invalidating towards those.who aren't in the position to get therapy, became homeless because of what was done to them by a perpetrator, got institutionalized because of it or in any other way got stuck without the means to get proper help, it is sickening. Stop imagining we're living in Disneyland and privilege (where this utopian view comes from) is a b@tch. It's time to both heal and call out (and rightfully blame) perpetrators instead of re-traumatizing victims. Being stuck in victimhood sucks, but being stuck and not having the resources to deal with it and implicitly getting blamed for that sucks double. That is the world upside-down.

[@pennyrobertson6118]

Yes, it is triggering for some who like me are on the extreme spectrum of CPTSD. I agree with your comment & thanks for sharing 😊💜🙏🪷

[@BL-sd2qw]

I'd like to see the swift of the focus from the individual to the community/communal

[@GloriaWatkins-c2u]

No victim mentality. It's take by force new place they all have substance behaviours activities without how long in dysfunction harpooning someone hello walked in door run bathroom chase on for response.hudge people above.. no not register. I look like narc when I have to define call out problem end with satire.

[@politereminder6284]

Great q&a.more like this please. Thank you

[@KhushiKaushik-ib6wq]

Responsibility bhi kaise lu ghar me itne restriction hai

[@Agapelove2024]

Amen

[@slimshany4602]

In some time scientific knowledge and compassion will be lost by "you r life your choice", and more mumbo jumbo. People in pychiatry having to..what? Be blamed to behave like a victim, a.k.a. dealing with paranoia, voices, anxiety, rage..? What kind of society are we turning into? Wonderful videos from Tim, but these also grow their own way on the internet; people having no knowledge on the matter, labeling everything like "being and suffering is a choice, for everyone." There is no way you can help out all these people who watch your videos, and interpreting them as "making choices". Insanity; knowledge is provided, yet the masses start witch hunting pwNPD and on this subject start yelling "its your choice, blame is on you if your psyche doesnt heal". The age we live in terrifies me. Wr should be getting wiser, not more foolish and torch anyone who does anything you don't understand.

[@AwakenedOne-qu]

There is no such thing as a healthy life in América.

[@FaithNewEarh]

❤

[@ninashirley432]

Wrong again server not their victim,