"My Parents Are Great People. Can I Really Blame Them for My Trauma?" (Q&A with Tim, Part 2)

[@mahh154]

I think there's a spectrum to morality and each person applies different rules of engaging to different people. My parents aren't villains in a fictional story. When there were human errors and natural mistakes, their choice was to dismiss, ignore, revert blame, diminish, neglect. An opportunity for growth was presented and they rejected it. I accepted mine and grew away from them.

[@dashanichols5950]

YES THISSSSSS

[@hotchocexpresso]

Boom 💥 Nailed it 🎯🎯🎯

[@sarahalderman3126]

Yes, I agree.

[@anunciata]

My mother, who is probably complexly traumatized, did not intentionally hurt me I assume. But there was a lot of anger and contempt towards me. Her unspoken commandment was that I should never have a better life than hers, which didn't satisfy her. This comes very close to hate and is hard to forgive. But somehow she also loved me... It's difficult to deal with. I try to understand her as a wounded person who could not act otherwise.

[@CaToRi-]

I noticed something similar with my mom. She loves me but “competes” when I achieve something. The funny part is she tries to “win” by herself but eventually get stuck and then ask me for help🙄.

[@mahh154]

Mine said she's envious of me and my sister. Asked 'when is it going to be MY turn?'. Not my responsibility to give her a turn.

[@staufferstories7931]

⁠​⁠@@dgncadizI can completely relate with this. It’s a tough situation.. still in the midst of healing from it all.

[@gwdavey]

She wasn’t powerless.

[@anunciata]

@@gwdavey No, she was not powerless, she was responsible, but she didn't understand and she was quite weak. I'm not trying to minimize the abuse or allow it to continue. She is old and demented now, a different person. Nevertheless, I am compelled to understand and categorize her betrayal.

[@sandra8991]

There is a difference in doing mistakes and being open for feedback and learning, taking ownership and rebuild (safe parents) opposed to being emotionally cruel and / or neglectful in between nice gestures and not being open to feedback and change and continuing the emotional abuse (very destructive). I suffer incredibly under a destructive family and people with similar patterns in my environment. It is very hard to heal from that.

[@GodsChosenMekAmoR]

This is a great comment ❤

[@sarahlovesdogs49]

Wow you phrased perfectly how I always felt! They were cruel with a few nice gestures in between. I always felt so guilty for seeing them as pure evil and always tried to blame myself because apparently I am way too sensitive. But you described it perfectly 👍🏻

[@sandra8991]

Thank you for your appreciation. I am glad my information was helpful. It gives me strength and hope. We are not alone in this.

[@rebecca_stone]

You're so right. Inconsistency and lack of inquiry / self awareness is the real psychological killer.

[@Lollipop_Lexi]

You are the only person you can heal, and only you can heal yourself.

[@graemesutton2919]

The issue is I am willing to 'forget the past' but my mother continues doing the things that hurt me. I have tried to set boundaries and ask her to stop several times and the push back was horrendous. I got gaslit, my personality attacked, and my disability used as an excuse to deride me even though I have no intellectual impairment. I am 60 yo and have successfully navigated many difficult situations and achieved many things the average person has not. So in the end I felt I had no choice but to go no contact with my family of origin. My anxiety has decreased enormously

[@anunciata]

No contact can sometimes be necessary.

[@grantwithers]

Yeah sometimes got to. She may also have a disorder herself. NPD for instance can be just terrible, tho not saying that she has NPD.

[@joelthomastr]

Alice Miller said in her book _Drama of the Gifted Child_ that (paraphrasing) if you don't grieve your childhood wounds, and especially if you're unaware of them in the first place, you _will_ wound your children, consciously or unconsciously. I found that idea to be very helpful in this context because I can validate my wounds without needing my parents to remember things the way I do _and_ it still doesn't mean they weren't trying their best

[@crs_stl]

My father now knows that he hurt me, but he isn’t willing to learn more about how it has affected my life. I can forgive him unintentionally hurting me but I can’t forgive the unwillingness to learn how I’ve suffered because of him . An apology is not enough for the detrimental effects he has had on my life. He needs to truly understand but I guess that’s asking too much.

[@johnCjr4671]

That Sounds familiar since my Dad left while I was critically ill in hospital at age 7 . He was still in my life mostly on his terms but I don’t feel like we ever really worked through my Complex trauma. I just silently forgave him and have stuffed my anger which has limited my development in many ways including excessive Alcohol use and procrastination .

[@RockingRebelYell]

Yes because that would require him to do the work to change his behavior with you in the relationship. Parents like that will cry about one hour a week while torturing us for decades, and feel entitled because they provided.

[@sheilamcgee7274]

Tim can you explain hounour your mother and father.

[@fuccingdye]

This is just a trap. You need to heal for yourself and deal with yourself accordingly. I find it so cringe when people demand others to see how they’ve been affected. I don’t think you understand that they’ve watched how you’ve struggled, how you writhed in pain like a wounded animal. The truth is, no one gives a shit how they’ve hurt you. It’s a trap to constantly demand that attention. Just let it go.

[@paulinecastle1138]

Most of us inherit some of those traits of our parents, and their parents. And as you said, most of us truly tried to do the best we could at the time, wanting good outcomes for our children. And as you also said none of us is perfect .

[@GiftsAmimalsGiveUs]

My parents were filled with literal demons and had no care for their kids. I don't hate my parents and will always remember the few times I was able to laugh and feel ok with them. The most I feel is pity for them now. I understood as a little kid when I was old enough, they would have no place in my life because they would never show remorse or even acknowledge they caused pain. I pray for them to find Jesus and the love He has for them, but I will not be around. My thing is when I tell people a certain memory of a fun time I had, and they try to tell me that's not fun and should not have happened. I don't need anyone telling me what made me laugh even if to others it would have been scary. It's my hell of a life I get to decided what good memories I keep.

[@pete4693]

In all honesty, I believe that, in part, I hang onto that anger because it keeps me from working on myself. I wasn't pleased to discover that but "Progress not perfection." my biggest frustration was that they were so responsible in so many areas except when it came to working on their family issues. Weren't we important enough? Now I'm starting to think that it overwhelmed them. That the shame was so great, they never were ready. I sure would've appreciated it.

[@kathleenwharton2139]

My parents and grandparents were Wonderful and that was the problem! I was totally unprepared when I grew up and went into the world on my own. Major Shock and Trama. I am trying to Heal still To this day. 😊❤

[@messybutmeaningful]

My idea of a wonderful parents would be those that prepared their children for the world

[@kathleenwharton2139]

@@messybutmeaningful Thank You..for a little compassion. I don’t my parents and grandparents knew people like you either.

[@Lollipop_Lexi]

Are you serious? You’re calling dealing with life trauma? With all due respect I think you need to change your thinking. Truly terrible things happen to us all at some point and when it does, you truly won’t be able to cope if you are looking at the process of becoming an adult as trauma.

[@carlorizzo827]

ThankU Tim! I appreciate how you explain. I was lucky. The parents humbled themselves, apologized, became friends. They were "seeking" people, wanted friendship with me. Who am I to not forgive. Sometimes I wonder if in forgiving them, did I block myself from getting in touch with anger. Maybe. They are long gone. In therapy, I learned to split, the loving parent, from the dark parent. I could work on the anger in relation to the dark parent. But here's the subtle point: working on anger does not in itself speed my recovery or fast track me to letting go. Those are two separate processes. Remaining angry strangely keeps me holding on. Count me out!

[@ObsessedwithZelda2]

Honestly I feel like all my issues were caused by this OCD-Autism combo. Nobody could have known that was happening and that I was inventing a world of self harming rules based on taking everything in a literal way and not intuiting anything. My parents did things very well, but they didn’t know how much more I needed direction. I didn’t even know

[@PaigeSquared]

Except, they knew well enough to get you support, an external adult with the education and expertise to help you navigate. Perhaps it wasn't conscious, but they were afraid it would reflect poorly on them, and didn't want it to be real. The identified patient is also a family system role. I used to think the same thing, until I had my own kid, and realized how much of my childhood had been normalized, and was not normal. I wasn't open to it until I read about CEN, in one of Jonice Webb's books. She made it not so scary.

[@KD-ou2np]

Idk... I think that what you are saying is giving too much leeway. Even if nobody would have known to try to get you diagnosed with something... that doesn't mean they couldn't have seen the pain you were in, or spent more time trying to understand you and relate to you.

[@ObsessedwithZelda2]

@@KD-ou2np I intentionally kept it hidden. I put all my energy into fitting a mold of my own making which was 'never struggle' among other things. I can't think they should have been mind readers

[@ObsessedwithZelda2]

@@PaigeSquared That doesn't really describe them at all. I hid every problem I ever had from them, they still don't know most of it

[@PaigeSquared]

@@ObsessedwithZelda2 So, you did get the support you needed, at the age you needed it? I was basically mute in elementary school (at the time, I felt like I spoke too much. I would often end up with my foot in my mouth, at least I thought so. It was speaking to other people I graduated with probably 20 years later and reflecting on it, that I realized how quiet I actually was in those years). Just because we hide our problems as children, does not mean that an adult is not able to perceive that there is a break in their attunement with the child. Again; I wasn't able to perceive it at all until I had my own baby.

[@thatsaniceboulder1483]

My young adult is very free to let me know what she thinks of me, and she does. I’m avoidant attachment and really struggled to meet her emotional needs and always reverted to problem solving.

[@nancyayotte2297]

I can totally relate to struggling to meet my daughters emotional needs due to my own dysfunctions. It actually makes me mad at myself for failing her which I know is not healthy for either of us. One positive thing I can say is that I'll never stop trying to address and get help for my issues so I can be a better parent. So much I didn't know. 🌸

[@TrentAdam]

Seems like you're being a bit hard on yourself if you are willing to do that.

[@arabellacox]

I'm glad you talk about forgiveness. You can't heal if you don't forgive, let go. 'no contact' which is the thing right now just means you hang onto all the crap, it's never resolved.

[@TrentAdam]

You are assuming the other person is open to a resolution. You are also acting like the person who went no contact just gave up. You don't know other people's situations.

[@TrentAdam]

Also when a REAL narcissistic parent is involved do you realize that they literally don't like you and are ashamed of you? Is accepting and being around that resolution?

[@artbysid]

This was fair, and helps to bring balance to the parent adult child relationship. It also allows for less resentment to our parents so we can focuss on healing and problem solving. Would be helpful if the parent would be able to sit in the discomfort of hearing some critique from their adult kids. It's a validation we need from our parents but I don't think may of us will be able to get that. So we have to parent ourselves and validate ourselves..

[@cafebacon8974]

If you havent tried you dont have an answet

[@RockingRebelYell]

Mine never have I did everything I’ve even given it to them on a silver spoon they smack me with it

[@Grateful4life4time]

Thank you 🙏 I love my parents, and we all went through trauma due to one of my siblings serious mental illness 🥹 We all need healing 🙏

[@ChildFirst]

0:16..... Question 0:51..... Answer a.i, a.ii 2:32..... Answer a.iii, a.iv 3:48..... Answer b.i 5:04..... Answer b.ii 6:24... 8:00..... Answer c.i, c.ii

[@moimeme6533]

TY🙏An insightfully compassionate and balanced perspective on this important, and sometimes painful phenomenon within the dynamics of family systems and inter-generational trauma. Related question: How can an adult child compassionately and effectively communicate concepts like family dysfunction and inter-generational trauma to parents who may be resistant or less inclined to explore their role in these dynamics? Our experience is that that many late boomer/silent generation parents, in particular, are uncomfortable with such discussions, likely due to the stigma of psychological topics in general in their formative years and a reluctance/resistance to introspection.

[@helendownie7062]

Thank you so much Tim ..I have learnt so much from you ,in such a short period of time ..Your explanations are so clear and to the point ,you do not waste any words ..You are a generous humanitarian.

[@rg1whiteywins598]

What can help a child who was abused in their family of origin to grow up feeling loved and accepted and be a good kind person ?

[@Lyrielonwind]

Acceptance, validation, support, nourishing their needs... playing, talking, engage in healthy activities, love, etc.

[@jonbonjovi6017]

Your parents can be good people - employees, friends, members of the community, and be people who want to be good - but they can still be awful parents. Being a good parent is a unique skillset, and can’t be compared with other roles is which we can be “good.” You can be a “good” person overall, and still be a crappy parent. If this is you, try your hardest to straighten yourself out and work hard and rapidly on becoming the best parent you can be (expect failures - it’s a very bumpy road). Beimg a good parent is the most important job in the world, and from which you can do your greatest good.

[@angelafloodgate4437]

I appreciate what you do on this channel so I respect that .

[@mikevoegeli2006]

This was very good, and a balanced viewpoint

[@user-ms4ef8xz9t]

There is no way to say my Dad was "good people". He was a cruel sick person. He is a shinning example of why you should be able to pass a test before becoming a parent.

[@pete4693]

I'm sorry that you suffered so. I believe you. Somebody once told me that many of the good things about me were in reaction to bad things that happened around me, however, that does not mean that I owe that person any thanks. They didn't do anything. It was my reaction that warrants the thanks. I'm glad you've joined us. Welcome friend.

[@RachaelMcKinnon-x1c]

I get what you are saying. I believe parents that behave this way may also be out of the parents expectation to teach their children to respect them as an authority.

[@chrisg7795]

My problem is that my mother destroyed my relationship with my siblings with her weird smear campaigns - and when I told her that I was devastated that my siblings are thinking so badly about me based on what she has told them over the years, she refuses to clear it up and she accepts that my siblings hate me - and won’t even talk with me about it without going into massive anger and threats…which is the next issue. Why do my siblings refuse to sit down together and clear things up together? Why is there this absolutely unnecessary hatred?

[@Narcsurv1vor]

It sounds like something a narcissist would do. The smear campaign made you the family’s scapegoat. Your siblings can’t see your point of view, because they are treated differently and will not risk becoming the scapegoat.

[@Lionessliving]

This has just happened to me. I recognise I'm the scapegoat. Think it's because I'm Autistic and ADHD. The truth teller punished and treated like I was mentally ill. The reality is that they are a sick dysfunctional family and I'm mentally healthy not them . Time to move on and leave the toxic drama, gaslighting and abuse for them to deal with. Onwards and upwards and unlike Lots wife.... never look back ❤🙏

[@nld993]

I thought I was the only one. At 46 yrs old I have finally found out who has caused the disrespect to Me from my siblings, my Mom. Ugh it's so heart breaking.

[@gunstax7077]

Some parents are just too busy and occupied with their own lives to educate and show love to their kids. That creates a trauma in the kids. They want validation from the one source, their parents.

[@statsN]

What an explanation 👏🏼

[@pete4693]

That was my mom. I really appreciate you discussing that dichotomy. I've struggled in therapy with that issue because of my black and white thinking. Slowly, and in fits and starts, I am beginning to see a more whole picture. However, when I'm tired or hungry, my default is still negative. I will have flashbacks of things they said, in particular, my mom, and I can't help but wonder what it would've been like to have stable happy parents. Also in the 60s and 70s if you complained at all about being frustrated with your parents, and another adult heard, you were shamed for betraying your parents.

[@marylarneyrn1854]

What are the 12 needs of our children?

[@Lyrielonwind]

There's a video about it. Check videos tapping in the description and scroll down to left corner of the page.

[@catriona_drummond]

I always held on to the thought that I had an okay childhood because my parents weren't complete monsters. So I never considered to dig into it for decades. Had to finally come to the conclusion though that they effed up just enough to leave me completely without feelings for them (or any much feelings at all). I don't hate then, I don't love them. There is just nothing. Blood's not thicker than water.

[@nancyayotte2297]

Tim thank you for thid. I realky needed it. 💜

[@hpholland]

Thank you Tim I really needed to hear this

[@angelafloodgate4437]

Acknowledging your parents actually are very far from the saints they wanted everyone to believe they are, is extremely hard for a (grown)child. You have grown up not knowing any better than that their abusive behavior is normal parenting. Also to accept that they abused you means you also realize they never loved you and your family life and childhood were a scam. Plus the narcissistic type is always very good at maintaining an appearance of being a victim or a saint. It’s excruciatingly difficult but the if true it is often the one missing piece that makes everything that is inexplicably wrong in your live instantly clear.

[@alexxx4434]

The dilemma is that they probably loved, but abusive love wasthe normal to them since their childhood.

[@angelafloodgate4437]

@@alexxx4434 abusive love isn’t love.

[@slimshany4602]

Thank you so much ☯️👍💛 This is such an important part of the wisdom on trauma.

[@alexxx4434]

Many traumatized people traumatize other peope as their way of coping with their trauma. It was the only way of sharing their pain, because talking about your childhood trauma was generally shunned in the society. Also parents were held as almost untouchable status figures, and still held in many cultures, it is not socially acceptable for a child to say anything bad of their parents, question their actions and motives. In many aspects parenthood resembles a mass cult, where problems are often brushed under the rug.

[@silviaconjar1184]

Just amazing explanation .... Thank you

[@andrew1717xx]

This is an exact question I asked myself recently, but in a different "archeological" way. 😅 Found the best answer to this point!

[@rebecca_stone]

Tim I think you may be giving our parents too much credit in this video - esp around the 5min mark. The trouble is, my parents didn't think anything, they didn't think about parenting, not one way nor the other. That's where the damage really gets done - ignoring, zero interest nor curiosity over years and years - that's a spirit-breaker. I miss them terribly. But I do see them accurately - they failed me as parents. It's also an active choice by them not to look into this.

[@mattiajames]

Hi Tim! Is there any video of yours discussing retroactive jealousy? I watched ones about relationships, but this topic wasn't completely covered. I'd would love to hear what you think about that. Thanks

[@sausagesizzler7]

Hell yeah needed to hear this.

[@annevolpe]

If they were really doing their best, they would clearly see how they were making their children miserable. They chose not to truly engage with their children. That's why going no contact is a decades long process. You try and you try and you try again when you were 8, and then 18, and 28 to tell them how they hurt you and they don't listen.

[@mnoxman]

Yes. Even though they might be great people they can still be narcissisticly abusive to you.

[@PatientPerspective]

I find in trauma finding that sort of balance is unhealthy. It dismisses the harm that the child experiences to find good things about the parent to "justify" the abuse in its own category. As a child of emotional neglect and gaslighting (still) I never had any model to show me appropriate emotions. My mother was and still is immature on those regards. But as an adult, she is literally at fault. I can't excuse my bad actions because of X reason but I can accept the actions as bad and address the effects. I'm no where near healed from trauma emotional wise. But I am aware now and in a safe place to analyze this. Maybe what we need is to find a place to let off steam. Yes. It is our parents fault. Their good side doesn't excuse it.

[@pikabiga]

1:35 thank you, it finally clicks for me. I already knew my parent had issues being seen less than perfect (I don’t NEED a perfect parent, I need an honest one!) they’d lie about the simplest things that were easily refutable! I never looked at it from a shame perspective. I struggle with shame myself now because of how they brought me up. I’m a perfectionist, and it’s ruined so much opportunity and growth for me, but I’ve been trying to forgive myself and be more gracious to myself. Unlearn/rewire some of that. It’s never too lat. i value honesty so much as a result of vhildhood

[@bingoandtoto]

I think it is looking for people who had a parent who didn’t hurt them intentionally. in my case my parents did hurt me with a clear intention for their needs.

[@joeschmo7957]

I read the commentary here and so dearly wish there were a way to connect with the folks here who, it appears, have incurred similar experiences as I did, especially with my late mother. So many things I want and NEED to say that I am sure and certain resonate with other people. I decline to post these rather intimate and personal facts here because of the toxicity component of social media. I am referring to a group gathering, perhaps like zoom, but I would decline to show my face, of course.

[@alexxx4434]

What about abuse?

[@eileencita]

That's complex trauma

[@surlif]

I needed to hear this so I will stop feeling guilty when looking at some narcissist traits in my parents. Some of the things they said to me were almost devastating. I dont think they realized it but it was not good.

[@truffaut650truffaut6]

My parents left me alone at home and went to cinema etc when I was a baby. And not just once.

[@GloriaWatkins-c2u]

Boundaries strong. Responsible sick still clean house. Force to exercise see what I go threw to make cup coffee 8 ounce max 2 daily

[@dashanichols5950]

I am so sad that we have had this experience .....we didn't deserve this.

[@Star-dj1kw]

✅ good video

[@maplenook]

All of Gen x was neglected

[@Theohybrid]

Just because the parenting is effective, doesn't mean it was good. Micheal Jackson's parent Joe Jackson was phsycially & verbally abusive but MJ became a stellar performer. However, the other attributes of MJ was very dsyfunctional from his overidentification with children to his hypersensitivity and the pressures of being an public figure.

[@jackierobinson8785]

You pass it on or you pass it back...

[@grantwithers]

If all this is true, and we'll presume that it is, why is the state not putting out all this "best information" for free to new parents at the hospital etc.?

[@mph1ish]

"The state" cares nothing about us.

[@gwdavey]

I used to think they were good people or did their best. I no longer believe that. They’ve gotten worse and more cruel with age.

[@whiskyngeets]

Ugh. Dammit.

[@michaelgarrow3239]

I do blame my mom. She despised me. FTW

[@parfenyj]

Highly valuable content but you should really monitor what you're recording (listen to it in real time with headphones). You keep blasting the plosives ("p" etc) and that is very unpleasant for all of us who use headphones.

[@angstrom1058]

Maybe because I was married 35 years to a Borderline?

[@RockingRebelYell]

My father tried to physically murder me once I don’t feel love maybe I never have for them because my first memory is my father physically hurting me and starting my complex traumas. I tried mending the relationship between me and my parents that’s just one of the countless fucked up things they’ve put me through. I’m going to forgive them for my sake to end that energy but they’re never seeing me again when I move out.

[@RockingRebelYell]

It’s funny you mention the love hate within us towards our parents I recognized it as a child.

[@RockingRebelYell]

If you would call a parent that has threatened and at times acted on a threat of killing their child you’re delusional for not thinking they’re a monster.

[@AffectionateSeaOtter]

I don't love them. Their value was showing me without a shadow of a doubt that Life still goes on even if you get the $h!tiest Family ever. In fact, it gets better. Oh but wait, I figured that part out myself. So, no thank you for that either.

[@Lyrielonwind]

I guess that radical acceptance doesn't mean to love them but not allow their wrong doings to keep hurting us more. I'm trying to figure out how.

[@rosebud-.-]

@@Lyrielonwindsame😞

[@RockingRebelYell]

Mood

[@angelsrosena]

Some parents change with time for the best, but that doesn't mean that they are excused for all the shit they did to their children.

[@samanthafox3124]

Excused? That's not what this is about. You missed the point.

[@cafebacon8974]

Let perfect parent or child please come forward

[@Sally-ih6ls]

@@angelsrosena the past is the past, why not carry on forward and let everyone live a good life, unless there was full on abuse, forgiveness, communication, love, kindness should be in our hearts, not blame hurt, ridicule and hate, what’s wrong with all you that blame parents for being human..your children will someday walk from you, for no good reason, then what…oh ya, then you’ll blame someone else, pathetic world we r in.

[@Sally-ih6ls]

Easy to blame parents and be a victim than work on themselves….poor me, poor me

[@Narcsurv1vor]

I read your contemptuous comment like this: “I am insecure and can’t deal with my own emotions, therefore I will project on other people and pretend they are bad so I can feel better about myself.”

[@Sally-ih6ls]

@@Narcsurv1vor yup

[@cafebacon8974]

Everyone has a crappy childhood. Get over it. You will repeat so do not have kids cuz they will hate you just like you and your parents. Parenting is hard. Dont judge till u do it. Perfectly of course

[@KD-ou2np]

Not everyone has a crappy childhood. I know lots of people who have healthy relationships with their family and they don't struggle to have healthy relationships with other people either. It was only when I met people like that, that I realized what I was missing out on, how fucked up things really were in my home.

[@sunnybein1]

Generalising helps no one and not ‘everyone’ had a crappy childhood.Some had parents who apologised and repaired their mistake/harm.

[@cafebacon8974]

@@KD-ou2np are you bragging? Lucjy you but all i see in cimments is how awful it was. Somewherei ine day we all get let down. Get up move on

[@TheThiaminBlog]

Honestly this is true. My parents truly did the best they could with the cards they were dealt. They got a lot of bad cards.

[@moimeme6533]

It's more about orders of magnitude than that. While no one is "perfect", a willingness to introspect, improve, and take accountability from both generations is a good start. The challenge many of us face is that earlier generations had less exposure to these ideas and often coped with their own trauma by swallowing it and pushing forward-thereby perhaps unintentionally passing it down to their children. This cycle will likely continue until greater awareness breaks the pattern.