Can a narcissistic relationship TURN YOU INTO A LIAR?

[@NarcSurvivor]

You cannot play by the rules with the narcissist. Because they don’t play by the rules. They lie, cheat and steal. So if you’re always being fair and honest, they’re going to run circles around you. Lying to a narcissist is about keeping yourself out of danger and protecting yourself. They’re undeserving of your honesty and loyalty.

[@lt827]

Agreed. I am a straight shooter and that meant the narcissists in my life can take advantage of me.

[@Seanus32]

Lie, cheat and steal, precisely. All 3. A horrible sense of entitlement and are never wrong.

[@tims9434]

Covert-narcassist alert ⚠️

[@susanabulouz1437]

Now that we have been married for 25 years. I am sick and tired of the way he treats me. So, every time he talks to me like crap I take is be loved money! He loves his money sooo much! And I wanted to find a way to get back at him. Every time he talks bad to me I take money and when he finds found out he is pissed. And I am happy. I tell him now you know how I feel. As you may know our relationship is in the crapper!😂 we do not talk at all or maybe when he is mad about something he comes and screams at me for it. He lives upstairs I live downstairs. In our big house. Only because financially he can't afford to move out nor can I. I am very over weight from the stress and going to get weight loss surgery. After I lose some of the weight. I will get a job and then move out. I pray all goes well for me. Because he is a complete syco!

[@Learngraduallydrlw]

​@@tims9434 she is right. This is not covert narcissicsm but a way to protect your feeling. The more you are straight with the narcissit the more you experience harmful feeling 😢😢😢

[@gertrudewest4535]

Been there. And having to lie like a little child is deeply humiliating, whether discovered or not. They know- it’s a set up.

[@sushmayen]

They are morally corrupt and don't feel slightest remorse for the way they treat you.i lied many times to save myself. It's not compulsive just a necessity.

[@christinalobianco9133]

I often felt guilt about lying to the narcissist and pretending to be someone else because they would make my life hell if I was myself. The best thing I did was go no contact. I vowed to myself that I would be me no matter what and would not pretend to be anything else again. If I ever felt I had to pretend for someone after that, then that person was not meant to be in my life.

[@harmonyvaneaton4101]

Isn't ironic that these people lie, cheat, steal, abuse, threaten the lives of kids, pets, but you feel guilty for a single lie to literally keep people alive and safe? While they feel zero guilt of everything they have done. It's mind boggling. We are not the same.

[@Lea-EttaCalzolano]

Oh, yes indeed!!

[@sundancer7381]

I'm with you.

[@LSMH528Hz]

Yep, guilt, narcs like to guilt trip you. Especially about things they framed you with.

[@sundancer7381]

@@harmonyvaneaton4101 They are getting away with breaking multiple laws - but are put up with in their/your culture? Is it because of how things have been in the past?

[@giancarlomartinez5630]

Before I watch the video, I'm gonna guess based on my experiences that the answer is ABSO-FUCKIN'-LUTELY. Whether it's by a force, an inner desire to keep the peace in a hopeless situation, or even gaslighting ourselves because the abuser/narcissistic is more articulate with words so we just ignored our instinct, it's still lying. I base this answer on my personal experiences growing up.

[@TravelerSanna]

5:45 *I had to selectively lie and critically think when I was a child, teenager and college student to my covert narcissistic mother because being transparent and honest with her would have provided her more narcissistic supply and material to try to sabotage my educational and business goals. I never felt one ounce of guilt. When you grow up having an emotionally abusive parent and yearn for a better life you become cunning, clever and innovative QUICK. The only narcissist I suffer from was my mother. No contact in over 10 years. I am thriving. Don't pity me. Having a CN as a mother prepared me for the cutthroat business world full of narcs!* 💗

[@astrarai-thesobercoder]

Facts ( cubed )

[@Lea-EttaCalzolano]

My heart is broken for you. Children take a lot for sure. I am thankful you are so intelligent and creative and able to turn your NEGATIVE INTO GREAT VALUE!!! God Bless you as you write your own story. Many people are waiting for your stories to be told. The children around us NEED TO HEAR from us and SEE A DIFFERENCE,an option to the PAIN they around them. WE can BE there for them.

[@vickifinley3175]

Yes. My ex was demanding with my daughters about their school work. When he was out of town he would call in and check to see if their homework was done before they relaxed from their school day. When he called, I learned to lie because he would go ballistic if they hadn’t completed their homework yet. They always finished their homework before the next day but not on his ridiculous schedule. So yes I lied. As I recover, I am getting better by not lying to the non-toxic people around me.

[@robertathomas8503]

And when they catch you in a lie, they are almost gleeful that they now have something else to use against you, to beat you down with. But still you have to find a way to have a life and hope that you are more successful with being discreet. It is painful. I am careful that I do not lie to others because I do not what to become a "liar."

[@danlee4706]

Of your best episodes, Dr. Ramani. I look at a narcissistic relationship as an impossible, abusive scenario. If the relationship can't be ended you have to do what you have to do. You can't win at their game so you have to use your own strategy within your own little, personal, ethical code

[@CanadianBear47]

man do i ever hear this and i agree. working within systems and doing what feels good to myself and not really caring what others think or feel ok. not my problem

[@HJustme855]

👍Narcissistic abuse can do irreparable harm. Not to protect yourself from it when you are aware of the potential goes against all common sense and ethical towards yourself.

[@lou1880]

I've lied to my narcissistic mom over big and small things, and so has my brother. I do my best to keep it to a minimum, and it's usually lies of omission. My brother has told some big whoppers. But my mom is completely intolerant of us living our lives if we don't align to her preferences. My conscious does bother me whenever I feel I need to lie to my mom, but her rageful reaction to whatever the truth is leaves me with no choice. It's one of the worst parts of having a mom like this - having to compromise your values in order to survive in the relationship. The funny thing is my mom constantly accuses people of lying. "Why does everyone LIE to me?" No self reflection.

[@museofthepoets]

This video was so validating. I found myself saying inane lies about innocuous things in my last toxic relationship just to avoid days of exhausting conflict. Stuff like saying I had gone to lunch with my coworkers rather than with a friend my ex did not approve of. Or that I was asleep when he called and not hanging out with friends. I knew what I was doing wasn't wrong, but I knew that if I had told my ex the truth there would have been a fight. Now that I'm in a relationship where the conversation is open and healthy, I've not felt the need to lie to my partner at all. Difficult conversations are just that.....conversations. Not hours and hours of arguing. It's so refreshing to feel like I'm allowed to be transparent with my partner.

[@MirAndHer]

I used to 'lie' by omission to my mum by not telling her about my holidays abroad or successes. This was to avoid her chronic envy, making it all about her, or simply to stop her from raining on my parade. It's so sad that I was unable to share such things, and for her be genuinely happy for me.

[@jenlovesthisstuff]

I used to do this too 😔

[@aitkenproduction]

This is the reason why having good boundaries in the beginning of a relationship is of utmost importance.

[@redlikewineagain697]

So very true!

[@HJustme855]

@@redlikewineagain697 Boundaries are important. But with Narcissists they don't work.

[@Learngraduallydrlw]

The tricky thing with setting boundries with a narcissit partner is that you feel as if you are not living true love but a relationship with an expiring date. And the worst thing with keeping limits might shock you when one day you find yourself living with a narcissit who manipulates your innocence. I think discovering the other side intentions might be better right at the beginning to decide upon the upcoming pathway: You live with prudence or leave the relationship. This is in the case of partners. But in the case of parents and brothers and sisters, setting boundries is the best thing ever. With friends, if you have a narcissit friend it is better to kick it out of your life. You cannot manage a community of narcissits who are sucking all your energy 😢 all time 😢😢😢😢

[@msr1116]

Narcissists blow right through boundaries as if they were stop signs, and then blame everybody else for the collision they caused.

[@HJustme855]

@@msr1116 Absolutely right 👍

[@dianabailey9757]

Lying to my mother became a reflex. It was self preservation. Her responses were predictably unpredictable and the consequences for me were often gnarly. I stopped feeling any guilt after watching her destroy friendships over needing to be incharge of others.

[@MinimalistBosnian]

As an only child I was a scapegoat and a golden child. Growing up with a narcissist and enabler parent, I watched my narcissist parent lie to everyone and then laugh about it and teach me that was okay. Only after I moved out in my 20s did I learn that lying was wrong. Working on being honest in all situations is very hard but it feels good and rewarding. Even though I don’t talk to my parents anymore, at the end of our relationship I had started to grey rock, so that way I wasn’t necessarily lying to them anymore to keep myself safe but I put them on an information diet. I found that to be therapeutic because there was nothing that made me vulnerable to bullying.

[@patormsby9441]

There were a lot of things my big narc taught me when I was small that I didn't have any idea how dodgy they were. I was very very lucky, though, that my non-narc (scapegoat) parent grabbed me aside when I was about 8 and explained why lying was wrong, in stark terms. He said, "Women have been burned alive because someone lied." I grey rock, but amicably.

[@Wakka144]

I was in this same situation too growing up. It was hard to deal with. I still have so many trust issues from that and then being in a narcissistic marriage later on.

[@sundancer7381]

Love your term "information diet". That's a good way to stating it!

[@TrentReeves-c2k]

Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it

[@TrentReeves-c2k]

its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.

[@TrentReeves-c2k]

If you look up Shelly Renee White online, you will find all the information you need. Thank you.

[@SweetUniverse]

My narcissistic mother would weaponize anything I did & she had a memory like an elephant. She never admitted anything she did wrong, but she remembered everything I did like a checklist.

[@HJustme855]

So did mine and if the checklist wasn't enough she would make stuff up.

[@loloworld593]

Malignant narc parent thought I was the most terrible child and would accuse me of doing things I didn't do. I learned to lie and say I did do those things only to get them off my back. It was a reflief when the accusations and harassment stopped once I 'gave in' and said what they expected to hear.

[@johnpaulsawan1990]

exactly

[@Already.Forgotten]

Sometimes you would unconsciously see yourself lying to the narcissist just to protect yourself because you don’t want them finding out about something that could potentially cause them a narcissistic injury.

[@lt827]

Why inadvertently though?

[@LeanAndMean44]

Exactly.

[@bizzybee3762]

This is probably also how the narcissists became such liars because they were most likely raised by narcissists

[@bizzybee3762]

@@lt827under pressure maybe?

[@lt827]

@@bizzybee3762 Not in all cases though. I was raised by a narcissist and am described by my friends as the most honest person they know.

[@lt827]

Never thought of lying as reactive abuse but now I see it can be.

[@josephmacisaac3346]

I have lied just to avoid bombastic behaviour and unrelenting barrage of fury. She would bombard me with words, accusations, and threats and to avoid further conflict, I would say something to have her desist. I am 5'11" and 260 pounds with a voice like James Earl Jones - yet I felt small and stupid during these times. Not proud of my words and reactions.

[@CINRZ]

​@@josephmacisaac3346bombastic is the best word lmao

[@annjohnson8437]

Thank you for this video Dr. Ramani! I often find myself telling lies to avoid the wrath of my narcissistic spouse. I used to feel bad lying to him, but after everything he's put me and our sons through, I don't feel the least bit bad anymore. The only thing I was feeling bad about was the fact that I no longer feel bad when lying to him. This video gave me peace of mind. After all, it's not as if I'm lying to everyone in my life. It's just him. ❤

[@rascallyrabbit]

I think I lied to protect myself, but the narcs encouraged my lying because they used it against me as a character flaw. Not lying was a battle I fought to realize this.

[@LynnFury]

Yes I absolutely did lie to keep him from being mad. It was easier.

[@cindyrhodes]

Ikr!!!! A matter of survival

[@moniquejackson7741]

Brilliant. I am not, and have never been, a liar, to the degree that I would rather look "bad" to someone than lie. But I have absolutely no problem with the intentional and judicious lie to a narcissist as a survival strategy. I have no problem taking the chance that they find out and weaponize it. It does not make me any less of a person. Powerful video, Dr. Ramani. Thank you.

[@HJustme855]

No. My truth telling to the narcissists in my life is what made me the target. Both with my parents and narcs later on.

[@elizabethreeves6663]

Yes. I had to lie about the fact I went to my friend's funeral as he had made it clear that he didn't think I should be allowed to be upset by her death as "you were not that close". He had a habit of minimising how close my friendships were. I was desperate to say goodbye to her along with my other friends so I had to hide the fact that I went. I never mentioned it.

[@beatlebarb64]

I love the way you always share your own experiences with us. Makes me feel like I'm not as messed up as I think I am!!

[@remarkable937]

After a while I didn't recognize myself. I never had an argument with anyone in my life until I met him. It was an intense human experience in two years which of course included lot of lying to keep him from blowing up.

[@angieeissa8679]

Yes, it can. When stopping by a market for 15 minutes to buy groceries is interrogated for two hours, and it ends up with an accusation of cheating, you learn to hide the fact that you bought garlic!!! Being married to a narcissist was hell

[@typewriter6885]

Historically, in order to survive, survivors of war had to lie. Remember most victims of narcs have a great moral compass

[@hannahrategan829]

I love this women , she’s been helping me grow from my narcissist since I was 21 , I’m 26 now still healing from the long term affects of the abuse

[@beverlypawsat6529]

I call it 'keeping the peace'. And, yes, I don't like myself for it. But it's better than the being harangued for days about bs.

[@oldmomma56]

Yes, absolutely! You would rather lie than fight!

[@jedjohnson9811]

My exwife bombed me with like 50 questions in a row and I kinda checked out and lied and man I never heard the end of it until we divorced

[@marieborchardt2910]

Thank you Dr. Ramini, just, thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤

[@nugget6635]

I think that... It turns people into fearful liars instead of malignant liars.

[@phoenixrising4768]

this is very powerful. it will never be more, cannot be changed and cannot be improved. something that needs to be accepted and something most people struggle with.

[@djer05010401]

Such a useful perspective! Sadly, while I understand these survival strategies and have absolutely used them myself in my narcissistic family system, I also see how these toxic patterns of lies and inauthenticity become generational. The central theme of "having to lie to keep the peace" becomes a very slippery slope, and I had to unlearn these instincts as a young adult when I was finally out in the world on my own. I think the goal is to surround myself as much as possible with people who never make me feel like I have to lie to survive.

[@codatheseus5060]

This might be my favorite video I've seen of yours, I'd love a playlist of all the different character "failings" caused by these relationships.

[@C.Church]

I lied relentlessly as a child and it ate me up alive. I didn't want to lie, but the alternative was dad's brutally mean bullying. I wanted to confess to various messes or mistakes, but the anguish I did to myself was less destructive than the man of the house would do. It was horrible.

[@irky3]

The biggest lie I told my narcissist ex and also myself - that I was OK when I wasn't.

[@MichaelBroder]

Towards the end of my marriage I spent money on furniture, appliances, linens, amenities, etc, for an Airbnb space-without telling my ex because I knew he would object and I knew we needed to invest in the space for the venture to succeed. And I did it using a new credit card that I did not tell him about. But yes, on that ickier level, I also lied about my drug use on at least one occasion.

[@t_nels]

This is a dynamic point! Isn't it just what they wanted you to do? Be authentic.

[@pinkmeadows]

For me I was in my late teens and was sent to the store. I went to the bank to open a new bank account then had my funds diverted to the new account. Afterwards I dropped by the store and got the small thing I was sent for. Months later family member was caught by surprise the funds weren’t in the old account. It was lying by omission for me.

[@mapleleaf902]

Yes, to protect myself as I plan my escape 🙏. He lies and cheats. I am a truth teller and it goes against my grain to lie, but it is survival at this point.

[@susanturner9023]

Thank you for sharing it’s helping my journey with an abusive narcissist husband, my second marriage and worse than the first. It sucks it took me 2 marriages both relationships spanning 31 years of my life to understand how narcissistic people operate and why I’ve been so easily taken in by them. If I get out of this one I’ll never make this mistake again.

[@ShortSh1tjp]

Your darn right, I lied in that relationship out of survival and to hang on to what little sanity I had left.

[@aynilaa]

I'm usually an honest, authentic person. But as you said, telling narcissists a truth they don't want to her is self-harm. So I already learned growing up how to become a convincing liar.

[@TheRealLeahBibi]

Yes, all the time. I actually hate it. But, I always excuse myself because I tell myself God knows that I am protecting myself

[@octaviojimenez5832]

The concept of "walking on eggshells" implies that you NEED to lie. And not talking or limiting information is not an option, one can´t take the fifth cause the narcissist will push hard for explanations or details. They are master interrogators; they sound like police interviewers and the victim has to learn how to talk around like criminals do on movies; until he or she is able to go no contact.

[@Shayylynn]

So many great points here. It's like you were looking into my past life with my ex. He caught me in a lie, and from then on, he labeled me as a liar. I only lied to protect myself from his rage, which I knew was coming. There was no point in defending myself because he always thought he was right. Thank you for this!

[@prpudd4323]

This is exactly the topic I have been hoping Dr. Ramani would address. Thank you, thank you!!!!!!

[@xaasci2860]

Thank you. I just left another narcissistic relationship and was confused and felt guilty about lying to him not long ago. You are right, it was immediately weaponized and I feel like I understand everything so much more after watching some of your videos. Thank you so, so much ❤️

[@NifftyMelinoë]

Thank you for acknowledging lies as self defense. Nothing like relating to narcissistic tendencies to help one develop a lived appreciation for moral ambiguity. My antidote, at least 2 or 3 relationships where its safe to be honest and undefended most of the time.

[@jeannedouglas9912]

Lifetime enabling will no doubt sooner or later catch you up in the web of lies and deceit. It's a lose lose relationship anyway you look at it. Tragically those rose colored glasses as a survival technique will blind us and worse .Thanks for sharing these life lessons Dr.R.

[@diptisrivastava4245]

You nail it every single time Dr. R. Your insights and inputs are incredibly valuable. Gratitude.

[@Melissa_John3_16]

Absolutely! It was ingrained in me from the time I can remember as a child to get my parent to stop raging. Convince her I’m sorry even when I was innocent. Trying to figure out “my motivation” she believed because she had to know “why I did whatever I did” even if I was innocent. Yes. She taught me to survive I had to lie. Then called me a liar and she hates all liars.

[@chiyerano]

This is why I have become more concerned about WHY people lie rather than just the fact that they are lying. If you are lying to save someone's life then I definitely can understand and have no problems with it. Thank you for this post.

[@S7320]

And this is exactly why my current situation has to end. This very point lifted the veil for me.

[@andydufresne8034]

One of the hardest things in being angry with my mom is knowing she became who she is to survive her dad's judgement. She lives in a dishonest fantasy world because he demanded it and the consequence for being a flawed human being was his rejection, and oh yeah, eternal damnation. Her entire life is an obsession with getting to Heaven because that will prove she is good enough to him, who died twenty years ago but haunts her eternally. Being honest was never an option for her.

[@lizh7777]

Whenever I see these videos I immediately want to answer the title question. The answer is yes! I became a liar without realizing. And there came a day when I had to face my own dishonesty because I hated it. And that is when the crap hit the fan the hardest. I wasn't lying for fun but because I always knew what the "right" answer was. I stopped giving the "right" answer so I could be honest and they did NOT like that. I broke the status quo. And we're not talking about life shattering stuff here, I'm referring to the mundane like, "hey, have I told you this already? -yes, you already said that." Narc dad threw a fit.

[@V8RSWGN]

I definitely lied by omission plenty times to my ex as she would get upset that I would hang out with my friends or want time to myself to work on my car. It started out, in the beginning of the relationship, that I would lie to my friends about not feeling good or things like that to avoid my ex getting upset at me for wanting to go out with my friends. Then, when I realized she was going to continue to do whatever she wanted, I started lying to her about being out with friends. Even at the end of the relationship, I lied to my friends about what all actually happened to protect her reputation. I truly hated myself after the relationship because that kind of lying isn't me. I blamed and hated myself until my therapist helped me realize I was doing it as a protective measure and not with any malicious intent

[@metatechnologist]

Thank you doctor for your hard work on this channel and I wish you a happy New Year!

[@cindyrhodes]

Sometimes, it is a matter of sheer SURVIVAL!!!!! But having to lie is definitely the sign that its time to begin facilitating a way out! Thanknyou, Dr. RAMANI! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@GemsoGeo]

I understand. Ironically, your honesty about lying is healing to understand sometimes it is the best option. My current partner is not a narcissist and I sometimes have anxiety about telling a difficult truth about, for example, a mistake I've made. But, I want an honest relationship as much as I can have one, because in the past I had to go against my own nature and lie to people I was accountable to who possibly had narcissist personalities. I am so relieved not to be in that position now. I still have contact with a couple of people that may have NPD. They are not easy to be authentic with. I appreciate what you've explained here, because it is a real phenomenon and preservation technique.

[@carolynkepler2826]

When I was a teenager my mother “borrowed” money from a college savings account. She had me go with her to the savings and loan and we sat down with a lady from the bank. When she asked me if she had permission to take money out of the account I said yes. I didn’t even know there WAS an account. So she had me lie for her. She’d make a big production out of how “good” she was but her life was a lie. She was SO afraid of being seen, warts and all.

[@orielwiggins2225]

Indeed, Oversimplifying, as if it's ever so black and white with these toxic personalities (eg, "lying is never ok") , is not healthy or helpful. Thank you for these clearly communicated discernment convos.

[@Keith-zc2nn]

I watched your birthday party and I'm glad to know that I was right about your comedic talents. Your history shines through in your work. I saw a veterinarian who does stand-up just the other day. You probably could help more people if you got a good routine, but you'd probably anger more people than you could help, so keep doing what you're doing. You're the BEST.

[@sahdogwrangler5594]

Before watching the video, yes, I've been turned into a liar & so have my children. The best psychologist I ever had told me, think of it as self preservation. We were taught when we were children not to lie, you'll be in less trouble if you tell the truth. Not true with a narcissist. Being honest is detrimental to my health & well being. I'm almost living a double life. Lies of omission, cover ups, & bald faced lies were & still are, a way of life married to a narcissist for 34 years. I still consider myself an honest person, which sounds nuts. I often think of that great line of Jack Nicholson's in A Few Good Men, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

[@kdycruz]

Better to said the truth always. We are not perfect, we still learning everyday. Thank you Dr Ramani, blessing and peace to everyone 🙏

[@courtneyczarniak6594]

Thaaaaaaank yooooou. This. Was. Validating. Thank you for seeing me.

[@lbrevolution13]

There expectations ( demands) are so whimsicaly unrealistic there demands can not be met!😮 once this is realized your in deep!. Thank you for sharing ❤

[@Kezahpe]

If you only knew how hard this has bothered me. Thx again Doc.

[@calmvibesnamaste9946]

I constantly have to lie to the narcissist because of pure self-defence.If I do not lie,she knows where am I or what am I doing,than she is trying to schedule my time for her reasons or she makes up such lies in the family about my activities that it is amazing to hear.Disgusting.I can not tell to her anything honestly.no no no

[@HJustme855]

Telling the truth does feel like self harm. And that turns into self blame because you blame yourself for the reprecutions for telling the truth. But hold on your truth.

[@cathy9485]

I started to tell a lie here and there just because I realized my sincerity was constantly being mocked or disrespected. They knew I was lying, but it was a "back at ya" moment to them compliments of me.

[@MsRainbow1983]

If I could like this 10,000 times I would ❤ God bless you Dr Ramani ❤

[@lt827]

I have not told a big lie but I have withheld information that would have been useful to the narcissist in order to protect others.

[@shannonjones4895]

Thank you for this video, the issue has come up a lot and you gave me so much good clarification. My therapist shamed me for lying to my narcissist. I thought I was protecting myself but was confused and this has helped a lot! Thank you so much! I honestly don't know where I'd be without your wisdom. 💖

[@unomeecj]

Amen same

[@kristiluberda7555]

Thank you for this. I feel a little less like a horrible person.

[@t_nels]

'Dismantled' is exactly IT, and yet we stay trying to protect yourself and others. It's like your in a sinking ship and the buckets of water your tossing overboard are no comparison for the water flooding the vessel.

[@unomeecj]

Excellent analogy

[@RoxanneSchmidt-c9t]

Thank you 🙏🏻 Dr .Ramani for covering this topic . This means more than you know . It’s like a one ton brick has been lifted . Always took and still do , take pride in being a straight shooter . It’s unfortunate though ,when dealing with these types of individuals , you have to play by a different set of rules .

[@katrienlismont3132]

strong message. Thank you, dr Ramani

[@felineoverlordservant2419]

Of course it does. My narcissistic mom and brother gave me no choice but to become a liar about everything - what I want to do, who I am, who I want to be, how I truly feel. To survive, I had to become a villain and a self hating liar that wasn’t permitted to succeed.

[@foxerrr7864]

He always reminds me of the two times I’ve lied to him. And I did it to protect myself and prevent further abuse. But it got worse. And here I am searching for this video.

[@lynndurbin9476]

Plan for a departure like abused spouses learn with help. If you hear stories personally, your clients have money. Grown people have options of becoming independent even if it is by taking classes online to prepare for a job. Get your papers, money, exit strategy together and go.

[@thereisnoninadria]

This topic has been on my mind lately. Especially now that I am in therapy and trying to figure out who I actually am vs what my family of origin role says I should be. I called out sick for the past Christmas and have been feeling like a failure for not being able to communicate honestly- which would have been a disaster. 23 years ago my mom stabbed herself in the abdomen with a kitchen knife in an effort to win an argument with my dad. I was there too and the argument was about serving ranch dressing with veggies at my wedding reception. My dad left the house shortly after she did it and she looked at me and told me that she was now going to die and it was my fault. She adamantly forbid me from calling 911 and went to lay down on the couch. I went downstairs and called a neighbor who then called 911 for me. In hindsight, I should have just picked up the phone and called anyway. But I was still in the fog and fear of doing something that would provoke her anger and more violence. The paramedics hauled her away kicking and screaming about how she was refusing services. The surgeon had to open her belly to find out what she had damaged with her stupid narcissistic tantrum- she had punctured her liver. This was 2 weeks prior to my wedding and she had taken over so much that I didn’t know what was done and not done. I have mixed feelings about lying about not calling 911- I wasn’t about to let her pin that on me, but in a way I feel like the evil person she says I am for defying her.

[@tomchurch2285]

Narcissists are so perfectionist and detailed in their expectations of others that not to lie (however minutely!) can feel exacerbating- cuz you know they’re gonna ping you for it, especially concerning a contentious point . . .

[@gerger5670]

I’m gonna say 100% Scary and difficult to talk, until learning about what was going on. I never considered myself to be a liar, esp once I became a Christian, and don’t give me crap, narcissistic partners would turn anyone into a liar. Now I have words, I have knowledge,so even the last trigger just before Christmas 🤔 I handled so wisely and upfront, no lies, no fear, just facts and a new take it or leave it attitude .❤

[@HJustme855]

It isn't a breech if its a protection against narcissistic harm towards to person or something irreparable. Because narcissistic harm can be toxically epic.

[@krishnamayimarianni8026]

Thank you. This has made so much sense.

[@MohamedTuuraaye-cl5oy]

You don't even need them when you know what you are doing. At the end they become passive aggressive, hostile, looking for everywhere admiration and even more controlling...

[@craigmerkey8518]

This is an important aspect of being safe! I have to say I omitted large parts of my life to avoid interaction because I knew there would be no support! I have no regrets! My family members who display NPD traits seem unwilling or unable to self regulate! I am not interested in forced connections or being in a needless power struggle!

[@christyperez94]

Yesssss i have found that lying for me has become a defense mechanism for me and i got goooooood at it 🤷‍♀️sns... i also lied about who i was because i was embarrassed of who i was due to the narcissist mental abuse. I strive in telling the truth now and it has landed me evicted from family farm/compound 2weeks ago. Im on my freedom ride now ❤🎉 cut ties with the cycles i cant break. I went on a journey after I learned about my mental health the cycles and all the roles that each individual family member played thanks to a wonderful therapist I had found in Minnesota and then I found Mel Robbins which is where I found you Dr. Romani and I so want to thank you Cause the last two years of watching your videos has really taught me a lot now while I'm breaking these cycles I see what a good liar I became and the toxic traits that I picked up from my narc mother so with that being said I'm still a work in progress but thank you thank you so very much I bought a bus after I watched the first video I seen of yours that's what I mean by my freedom ride so thank you and Mel Robbins for making me believe in myself giving me options to change my ways repair what I can and walk away from what I can't

[@Strengtheningselffirst2]

Thank you for this Dr Ramani I would often say you will not be happy unless I lie to you, and there was many times I would lie to keep the peace as well as for the safety of myself and others. Actually I am glad I went through what I did in life, because it helped me to understand life and people in general more.

[@geraldine4727]

I love Dr Ramani. How can it be that you see so we'll into my soul and understand it so well?

[@dervish108]

My narcissistic ex made me feel like a prisoner in my own home. I had to tell her I was leaving for a day and I’d be back, because I felt my safety, health and well being were in jeopardy. I still feel guilty to this day because I was raised never to lie for any reason. I still hate that I was put in that situation.

[@fructosecornsyrup5759]

I found myself lying about the stupidest things to my narcissistic roommate. There was one point I wanted to get myself a soda from a vending machine at our apartment complex. He hollered at me because I even mentioned using my own damn money to buy an overpriced soda instead of going to the store and getting a six pack. I found myself sneaking out to occasionally pick myself up a soda from this machine while walking the dog to keep him off my back.

[@jacquelinesianez1124]

I enjoy hearing your voice Dr Ramni 😊💜

[@napalmspears3016]

Lying to a narc is one of the best defense mechanisms,