Why Smart Kids Are The Loneliest

[@MaxiusTheGod]

I want to thank my Dad for reinforcing that “If you want to be good at something, you have to suck at it first.” Saved me from a lot of problems.

[@jimmygennaro5693]

Yours too?? lol "Anything worth doing is worth doing badly", "School doesn't matter" and "Do your best, forget the rest" are his mottos. As an ex-gifted kid with ADHD, this helped more than I could imagine.

[@alpers.2123]

I realized that being bad at something sometimes can be an advantage. Because it causes you to feel need to improve while other people who has that skill innately are not event aware of existence of that particular skill that can be learned.

[@ChimeraLotietheBunny]

ahh

[@_Bezuga_4269]

Mine always said "Nothing can be hard if you understand it" It helped me a lot with school, that's why i always used to study so nothing was hard to me:D

[@anyadarlingg]

But honestly, communication skills, social skills, and work ethic all matter more in the working world compared to just intelligence. "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."

[@teocantsleep4611]

Dr. K is describing exactly why I never did competitive chess... I would effortlessly beat friends and family but my ego was too weak to handle both being labeled "smart" and very possibly getting thrashed in a tourney.

[@charliecrome207]

It's the same with noobstomping/smurfing in video games I think.

[@klaraptor]

Exactly, the fear of failure is too strong, and I would always rather not do it and save my ego, than to try it and have the risk of failing. It's why I ended up being mediocre/good at a lot of things, but nothing at an excellent level - what if I tried to improve but couldn't? But if I improved only to a better than average level, I'd feel good about myself and save my ego from failure by pushing too much. It's a struggle trying to fight it, and what has helped me is to always consciously tell myself - there will always be someone who is better than you at something. ALWAYS. It doesn't matter how hard you try, you will never be the best - so now that you consciously know that, you might as well try and see how far YOU can go, and stop comparing yourself to something that realistically will never be achievable. Taking that pressure off, that expectation, allows me to try stuff further than just mediocre...

[@iLL_WiLL_]

@@charliecrome207 I thought it was smurfing, but I also thought it was just so higher skilled gamers could play with their lower skilled friends. Shit, I hope it wasn't just to pub-stomp, but that doesn't surprise me.

[@tierna5372]

I actually joined a chess club in maybe 5th or 6th grade, and in my first game, I got hit with the Fool's Mate and never touched chess again.

[@iLL_WiLL_]

@@klaraptor You had no idea, but this is hitting me so hard right now. For the past several months I have been in this exact funk you mentioned and even with knowing that people will be better than me at many things, the thing that gets me is what if I can't improve to the level I want. It scares the shit out of me and has stopped me in my tracks in many different areas. I have said this before, but I wish there was some magic pill you could take that would just tell your brain "hey, shut the hell up for a minute, we're doing this."

[@dwinthrop1015]

Age 7: everyone said I was a “genius” because of “human calculator” abilities like multiplying large numbers mentally. Age 19: Gave up on math major in college. Too difficult. Age 40: Goes back to school for what I really want to do (social work). Not winning any awards for “genius” but I am competent and solid in my work, and happy.

[@accurategamer7085]

Great start

[@hexonn9355]

w arc

[@justenoughrandomness8989]

wait so you could multiply large numbers mentally at age 7 but math major was too hard at age 19?? i am 13 years old, a genius "gifted kid" and usually can't multiply 3-digit numbers quickly, i just stop cause it's not worth the effort STOP REPLYING TO ME

[@kierhudson1328]

Well look kid, if you wanted to do maths at any serious level 20/30 years ago then you needed a good teacher because the internet didn't exist, you live in a totally different time and what you do with calculators, people did with pencil paper and their brain, its hard for you to see maybe but let the ego down a little, you're not special, just born at a special time where you can access higher end topics at the click of a button, people would have to wait weeks just to get the calc book from the local library.

[@fairyfellermasterstroke]

​@@justenoughrandomness8989math is not just calculating numbers and even if you're smart you have to put some effort into learning it and like Dr K described, putting effort into something can make you feel like you're stupid, because you think you should just be able to do it if you really are smart

[@arthurpinheiro9178]

Giving a hug felt like the hardest and most embarassing thing...

[@templin7]

Still does man, still does.

[@aarone9000]

What a sad commentary on your upbringing!

[@JoshuajrPLAYZ]

embarrassing*

[@eightrightturns7120]

@@JoshuajrPLAYZ nobody cares

[@Omer1996E.C]

Fr

[@izzy7998]

"All I am is smart." Really hit me in the heart there, because I never thought I was smart at all due to my upbringing. I'm so lucky to be learning this at 16, before it's too late.

[@SannaJankarin]

I felt this too. Don't give up, it will eventualul get better.

[@satosato4169]

23 y.o. "smart kid" here. It's never too late, but I already fucked up a lot in my life, so yes, do something with it as soon as possible

[@SannaJankarin]

@@satosato4169 I feel this. Maybe we shall create a group for motivating ourselves. Or I don't know. I'm just proposing solutions.

[@nottomclancy2439]

Study little bro, study hard. I am 29 and I fucked up my life badly. All my life I was the "smart kid" with "unlimited potential". I got nowhere. Can't hold a job, can't finish university, I have a woman that loves me, but how long is that going to last without being able to hold a job or finish a degree? Not being able to provide for her is killing me day by day. Whatever you want to do, stick to it as much as you can, give it your all, don't get distracted by video games and online games in particular. Keep away from gambling, drinking and drugs, especially weed if you've got ADHD like I have. You can make it. I believe in you, but you have to put in the work. You have to be able to tolerate thinking you're dumb, even though you're not, or else you will quit anything that is actually requiring work AND intelligence.

[@anyadarlingg]

Also take the time to utilize your knowledge and skill to do good for other people. If someone is struggling & you know how to help, spread that knowledge of yours and help bring others up. One of my favorite quotes is "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." Communication skills and social skills (emotional intelligence), work ethic, and positive attitude, is going to be worth much more than your intelligence will.

[@Monotone_Fallen]

My parents enforced the idea of, "you are smart but if you think that's all you need, you're stupid."

[@NoahSarcasm]

They are right

[@ProBot1X]

Ikr

[@Awesomefy11]

For me, there's two meaning of being smart.

[@luksam6613]

True i trie competions and i got to regional/state not sure which one and i studied for that competion and when i didnt trie i only got third place in the city and you need first(sorry for talking too much)

[@Monocle_cat]

I think they meant fool, not smart.

[@Poppomatic64]

Uh oh, is dr K gonna stroke my ego

[@vincec894]

My therapist does this when she says my anxiety is so bad bc I’m smart

[@gnatdagnat]

This is bad

[@notsoneon]

More like he's gonna tell you to abandon your ego

[@ml8991]

LMFAO i was thinking the same thing

[@Poppomatic64]

@@notsoneon yeah facts

[@andy-qm6mj]

i'm going on 16 and i was a smart quiet kid growing up. i didn't need to study to pass tests and that led to inconsistent study schedules and zero to no effort in studying. i still get concepts in math fairly quicker than my peers and i'm happy to teach them or help them, but i'm seriously starting to notice signs of defensive arrogance in my behavior. i usually begin thinking im smarter, or they don't know as much as i do whenever i have a conversation with my peers. this video might just have saved my life

[@Pengwyn01]

Im 14 and I feel the exact same way - I've never studied and going into all honors high school next year has me nervous and I help people out when they need someone to teach them something fairly quickly.

[@tragdar]

As a 26 year old who experienced the same thing, my advice is humility is your best friend. You should try and humble yourself to the best of your ability

[@AngelDiaz-os5fz]

yall aint smart

[@nolanthedude]

@@AngelDiaz-os5fz what inspired you to interrupt people sharing their closely guarded experiences and insult them? Let people work their problems out in peace, god damn.

[@alexplaysandedits2356]

Feel about the same way, 13 here.

[@NiliMoto]

This is so accurate. I hate it when people call me genius and i always tell them "why, i didn't do anything" but the damage is already done and it fuels my ego and arrogance

[@thewiseowl8804]

When I think back to specific events that hurt me, people calling me "smart" pops up.

[@luis-sophus-8227]

In my case it doesn't fuel anything, I just feel deeply disappointed. I often find myself being the one who has to make the first step, it's really really disappointing

[@melikmourali2072]

​@@luis-sophus-8227I don't understand how your comment relates to the main comment. Are you disappointed in yourself or the other person ? In what sense do you make the first step ? Making friends ?

[@luis-sophus-8227]

@@melikmourali2072 Yeah I should've been clearer. Yknow, when people has to participate in class, make essays, when we have to work in group projects (I often find myself having to correct almost everyone's mistakes, but lately I've stopped caring that much), or when the professor simply asks a question and nobody replies except me

[@Vorglim]

Happened to me and got depressed for years

[@samstromberg5593]

"Oh, that's just a small scratch so the pain is irrelevant" was LITERALLY my EXACT game plan for when my kids (in the future) come to me when they're "hurt" You just rocked my entire worldview in 10 minutes

[@mmyes133]

Lmao same here! I guess that’s not a good strategy

[@fireroum]

Yeah it's not a good plan. I don't think much of my injuries because I don't remember any adult ever showing empathy for my injuries... it's one of the reasons perhaps that I keep to myself so much, apart from perhaps also being an arrogant smart person.

[@Angel-sf4ct]

It’s insane how accurate this video is. I went into it expecting not to get any intrinsic value in it.

[@alexandrert8252]

My parents always were like "what? Your brain is going to came out from that little scratch? Stop crying before I give you something to really cry for" Bad parenting and smart kid loneliness is the perfect combination for low self-esteem and depression 😊

[@samstromberg5593]

@@Angel-sf4ct Okay, serious question Why did you watch it? If you thought you weren't going to get any value in it, what's even the point in watching?

[@kylecolley7294]

"Not wanting to do something until I know it from 1 to 100 before starting to avoid mistakes" has been like my life code. I never really could appreciate just how much this mentality would eventually lead me into almost every other behavior you layed out here. Thank you for the continuous insights, Dr. K!

[@edwardmitchell6581]

Got really bad when I started dating.

[@jacobm2625]

I’ve definitely found that I learn way more from my mistakes and losses than from any amount of pre-game theory. It’s a tough pill for my pride to swallow, but it’s the best path.

[@matthewcurry3565]

​​@@jacobm2625Pride? You are bots, or drones to blame victims. Humans tackle, and beat other humans over money, and even worse for control over "mistakes". Your takes cover, and excuse abuse.

[@PanchalShadow]

so true mans so true i had the same mentality

[@hiiiroobee]

I can’t believe how true this rings for me. Calculate social interactions, the need to say the right things etc

[@lazymass]

Completely... It changed for me after psychedelics. It showed me how nobody actually cares. So I stopped caring also. Life is much easier when you just do stuff and not overthinking it all the time.

[@AngryTheNikname]

i thought it would be completly normal for everyone to calculate every possible interaction and then expect the one who you prefer the most to get to your goals that you have in mind...

[@HA3APKO]

Seriously???? I thought that was just me having social anxiety or sum

[@justindie7543]

I was the smart kid, started hanging out with the other smart kids and found them insufferable, it took some time to realize that I was no different. I got the same feeling from Reddit in my experience. Eventually I learned that I had way more fun with others when I let go of my identity and to enjoy what other people say and do rather than bask in my own image. Let others speak their mind even when you think they are wrong, let them make mistakes and share sympathy, and only give advice when it's clear that they want it from you. For me what actually made me happy was loving others rather than the sound of my own voice.

[@Stovetopcookie]

This is the path to happiness with others

[@Human_01]

Lol. 😂✨

[@edwardmitchell6581]

I hope my son can learn this. He’s only seven and all he wants to say is “I all ready I know” or “you already know”.

[@yurishaa.9337]

Ugh, can't say such when all you ever meet is mostly insufferable truly brainless untouchable-because-of-my-equally-dimwit-but-powerful-connections bullies.

[@Sophia.sunsun]

That's a beautiful realization you've had about the importance of letting go of ego and embracing empathy and understanding in your interactions with others. It's natural to be drawn to like-minded individuals, but sometimes we can fall into the trap of arrogance or judgment when we surround ourselves only with those who share our perspectives. Opening ourselves up to different opinions and experiences not only fosters personal growth but also allows us to form deeper and more meaningful connections with others. By listening, showing compassion, and genuinely caring for others, we can create a more fulfilling and harmonious social environment. Thank you for sharing your insights, and I appreciate your commitment to loving and understanding others.

[@Squotty_Patty]

Your "Why Gifted Kids Are Actually Special Needs" video hit me right at home, but this? This just shook all my fundamentals. You are so perfectly describing me it's scary. I always say that being "gifted" is a curse, and that it made me not a successful person but a cripple who nobody can see as it's not a physical crippling. I'm 28 and I still hear that I'm smart and that enrages me so bad, cause I know that it's simply not true. Or maybe it is, but I was just misleaded my whole life that I will have easy in living just because I'm "smart"? I don't know anymore and the feeling of doom that I feel everyday when I wake up is geeting too much to bear...

[@teplapus8795]

I am also enraged when someone tells me that I'm "smart". I have recently realized that, deep down, I think that believing that I'm smart is vain and overconfident, which intelligent people shouldn't do...

[@oliver2001]

I’m super smart and clever

[@IgloriaPublico-gf5md]

And then Racial Conflict happens on classrooms

[@SomeRandomEcho]

@@teplapus8795I think that objectively saying “I am intelligent and smart” is an ok thing to do. It’s a logical fact. I think that what really matters is how you act on that and if you think that that makes you “above” others just because you are smart. Saying you are intelligent by itself isn’t vain, it’s how you act on that that matters.

[@xdrdm7096]

"It is what it is"

[@tronche2cake]

Cognitive empathy is truly the 'Smart kid to high functioning autism' pipeline

[@quiethours1818]

exactly. you nailed it

[@jakewilkraw]

So true

[@ml8991]

REAL AND TRUE AND REAL

[@RemotHuman]

When he talked about it being exhausting it reminded me of the concept of autistic masking and how that can be exhausting. Seems like the same thing

[@IsaiahSenku]

😭

[@inmyprettylittlehead]

I’ve been in tears all morning. All season. Not understanding why I feel stuck and lonely. This video has been a catalyst for me in this moment. I’m 28, and finally recognizing my actual issues. 😂 I never want to go anywhere and hang out in group sessions, I intellectualize everything. It wasn’t until I realized I was mainly good at listening, solving everyone’s issues and speaking very deeply. Engaging in shallower spaces is so difficult for me so I generally take the role of the observer and listener. When I’m feeling really low, I learn something new and til recently it meant nothing to me. All my 20s I’ve been looking to find my way out of this cycle and feel my way back to a space of emotional openness and wholeness. I’ve finally found my way from strategy, program management consulting and technology optimization full time to switching to full time childcare and freelance consulting on the side. Thank you Dr. K. You have no idea how you’ve helped me live a better life.

[@elmo4672]

Way to go sis!

[@ladtm]

Ooga booga

[@xaropy]

oooga boog me are frum nbongo in Congo

[@waka727]

i can relate to you, especially on the listening aspect and not being much adept in shallower spaces. have you figured out a way to be present in such cases?

[@mmmrs]

As a 16 year old, I'm grateful I'm watching this right now. It explained very well why I'm becoming increasingly lonely. I kind of realised my whole identity was just being "smart" some years ago, but I suppose it was too difficult for me to abandon the idea. I hope I can change this now. Thanks for the video.

[@Whiskers--5]

Ye

[@Whiskers--5]

I’ve began to realize that you don’t have to be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes and you don’t have to stay as “the smart kid”

[@Scoop1935]

You got this bro!! I believe in you 🫶🫶🫶🫶

[@rohancossement5180]

Same, this helps.

[@xavierwedel4691]

Nearly the same, but I guess I was so self conscious and saw how nerds are regarded that I basically tore down nearly all association with my identity of being a nerd/smart kid.

[@Dango428]

This man analyzed me with like 90% accuracy in less than half an hour. He even got the part where I was planning to tell my future kids that a small scratch wasnt worth making a fuss over Edit: HE EVEN GOT THE HALF ASSING STUFF THING. WTF?! Edit 2: My entire worldview got destroyed in 22 minutes. 10/10 video, and I am now going to watch every other video on this channel

[@karsgaming69]

same

[@Madchris8828]

I'm not kidding when I say for a person who has horrible adhd like myself this channel has been a gift

[@citris_mario5224]

​@@Madchris8828he has a video on adhd if you haven't watched it it's very useful

[@-_Somebody_]

Same! I made a similar comment. In one of his other videos he *totally* nailed what goes through my mind with social anxiety in social settings! Like how? Super accurate for sure

[@yellowtapes]

Same 🥲

[@Newidhan]

It took me a decade to realize this on my own. Taking one semester of Physics BA was basically an ego death experience for me. I'd like to see Dr. K going into the real deep core of this idea "if I'm not smart, which is my identity, what do I have? nothing, I'm worthless, I have no value, and I have to have value because if I don't have value I'm not worthy of love, affection, care and basically am ded."

[@sujitsadhnani750]

bro.. being smart is relative and limiting.. there's always going to be someone better than you in general intelligence and even if you are sitting at the very top of the pyramid here, you will be beaten in most of the cognitive tasks by experts due to pure experience, so what is your worth, your actions and more importantly the intentions behind your actions are your worth. the world will any day value a good dad who takes care of his kids over a genius serial killer who escaped capture before killing dozens.

[@Newidhan]

@@sujitsadhnani750 Yes but when your parents condition their love for you to academic success, and you are bullied by the "dumb" kids, your only coping mechanism with everything is to entrench yourself subconsciously into the smart identity, and "discarding" it as K just casually talks about is not an easy task

[@victorinprogress]

That was my experience during the pamdemic. When I lost the ability to do good in school (with 0 effort), I felt completely worthless. I still haven’t recovered. It’s been interesting to experience going from expecting the best results to wishing for just a 50% grade

[@physicianskitchen]

Maybe your identity doesn't have to be any one thing such as smart or rich or anything like that. You have plenty of value just by being here and don't have to be extraordinary prodigy to be worthy of affection and belonging. It's ok just to chill a little and be "average" 😀 I had a similar experience with my first exam in uni- it was biology, I got a C and literally spiraled into an existential (and a little bit of or a lot bit of a narcissistic) crisis. A few years later I realize how silly it was. I am good in some things, great in others, pretty bad in a lot of things. And that's ok. I can work on it or accept it and in any case deserve good people and good relationships 🤝

[@Drawfill]

Ego death would have gotten rid of that kind of questionment: " what do I have? nothing, I'm worthless, I have no value, and I have to have value because if I don't have value I'm not worthy of love, affection, care and basically am ded."".... thats 100% ego speaking. ego death brings you in a state of mind similar to that of a newborn. Not only a void, but a void to fill. a sponge soaking up the world around and learning it from square 1 instead of the old biases you had. Think about it, did you even know what love felt like as a newborn?

[@aUPSdriver]

I wish someone would have told me this when I was younger. I’m 31 and have been stuck on the cycle of not trying to get better since high school. This video resonates so much, thank you Dr. K!

[@RadialSeeker113]

Being smart is useless without the ability to be disciplined and figtt yourself when you're lazy. In fact it's worse than being dumb because you can rationalise your lethargy on the fly. At least this was the case with me personally. This is not universally applicable. All being smart gets you without the ability to put hard work in is misery and disappointment.

[@91722854]

are u INTP?

[@Narnach]

@@91722854MBTI is honestly something that helped me understand how other people can differ from me and how to relate to them better. Dont take it is pure truth, but as a tool to better understand people. Also: scored INTP, but a decade of learning more about psychology and people skills, as well as actually making friends, has made me realize I’m actually slightly extraverted. It’s just that interacting with people not on my wavelength costs so much energy that it drained me. Yeah, gifted and likely autism and ADHD makes for being a unique snowflake who’s managed to go on without significant issues for a long time, but always living life on hard mode as the normal state of things.

[@joeya289]

This is imprecise analysis and might lead to more damage than help, depending on the person attempting to integrate it.

[@RadialSeeker113]

@@joeya289 nothing I said can be integrated though. Unless you're talking about a smart person putting in more effort or trying to be disciplined. In which case, I don't see how that could be harmful. Of course, if a person is struggling with depression or ADHD or a myriad of other disorders it won't be applicable here.

[@IsaiahSenku]

100%

[@moxdonalds925]

This video escalated fast into a very accurate description of me. I’m 41 and I still spend a large chunk of social interactions calculating everything. In the last few years I started studying about social interactions through both books (How to win friends and influence people, Games people play are two that I’ve read multiple times this year) and studying the behavior of people who are considered charismatic. It’s made me very comfortable in social situations, and the practice I get from it compounds putting me into a position of being called good, funny, comforting, and a few people have just said amazing. I don’t feel that way, due to low self-esteem, so I feel undeserving and it makes me want to isolate.

[@genericbotface]

I was really into reading all I can about this sort of thing (For sure How to Win Friends and Influence People was part of my list - a lot of Robert Greene, too), and I saw results, but hasn't it left you jaded and/or empty feeling? I found that now I have learn how to trust and let myself go with people once I trust them, which is hard because I'm tracking and mapping their behavior to the concepts in those books. The effect is that I frequently doubt people's sincerity and I find myself a bit disgusted with their apparent lack of self-awareness. Maybe you don't feel deserving because you know that the flattery or attention you're giving people is a means to and end of manipulating them into complimenting you, and in the end if you had to make someone say "I love you", it defeats the purpose of receiving that sentiment from them. I'm not saying you don't deserve love, but only that it won't really affect you deeply unless that attention is in response to your genuine self.

[@weirdwarlock625]

@genericbotface I'm at a similar point as you two, where I am still trying to reason my way around social situations and simply end up either overthinking it or feeling empty results. Honestly, I've been finding better results after socaliseing on very little sleep. It keeps me from overthinking, I guess, but even still, it's annoying being 20 yo and not being able to socialize efforetlessly.

[@knowideas7184]

I’m 40 and felt the exact same way. Get a Bible, Jesus helps it all. Sounds odd in this day and age but Jesus is literally the answer. Joining a Bible study will change you and bring peace. Have faith.

[@Max2478]

This is my entire fear regarding ever reading any type of social engineering book. I know that should I ever fall down that hole that I'd quickly fall into trying to calculate my way through social interaction as opposed to good old fashioned practice and experience. I never knew why the thought of reading something like that irked me, made me uncomfortable. This just gave that gut feeling a explanation. Thank you, and best of luck.

[@ericquiabazza2608]

You are a wonderfull person deserving of love. A huge to you! 🥰

[@pokechar]

I can't believe how much this explanation aligned with my situation. I'm 34 y/o, but I never understood why I hated social interaction that much. I was not abandoned by my parents or anything like that. The difference is that people often told me that I was intelligent, but I have never felt and still don't feel like I am. So now I feel lonely and dumb.

[@skwillywilly]

Womp womp

[@kellymountain]

@@skwillywilly (siiiippp) tastes like low quality bait

[@skwillywilly]

@@kellymountain nah, this is a master bait.

[@Andrew-x3n]

@@skwillywilly As long as you wash your hands after

[@farzan1958]

Womp womp

[@dikshantchoudhary4317]

Thank you Dr. K thank you so much. As a 16 yr old I've been called intelligent enough to last more than a life time, everything you said is true for me, everything, like i am the kid who knew quantum physics since I was 10. But now as I am expected to work hard, I couldn't, everything you said applies to me... But I promise I am gonna put my life back together. And I am so lucky I found this out relatively early before the damage had been done. I am preparing for one of the world's hardest exam NEET. And I am in 12th grade, last year i struggled to keep up all because of my 'genius' identity, I always made an excuse of it being too boring to work hard and my iq and all... But not this time. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna fix me up. once again thank you

[@Pengwyn01]

16 and in 12th grade? Impressive man respect

[@ffobliv]

@@Pengwyn01 are many people not 16 in 12th grade?

[@Nahwap]

@@Pengwyn01 I think that's pretty common unless you live on another country with a different education system

[@Scotty-vs4lf]

@@Pengwyn01 i was 16 in 12th grade and i did 2 years of kindergarten lol

[@Pengwyn01]

@@Nahwap im in the us

[@panlis6243]

I suspected that I might be on the autistic spectrum for some time but that cognitive empathy thing sounds like what actually happened to my social skills

[@Ghauldian]

same

[@chaoskiller6084]

It's still worth a screening nonetheless, if the conclusion is that you don't have autism, you don't lose anything, you have valuable information and can act accordingly.

[@jessicam3707]

Seriously. My therapist has even said it’s too hard for her to tell with me what is intelligence and what could be neurodivergence. There are too many things that make me think that I’m not neurodivergent, and that it’s a combination of relying too much on cognition and also anxiety hijacking my real-time responses

[@ryanbarker3978]

I wouldn't draw a conclusion so quickly. It's probably not one to one but I wouldn't be surprised if there's a strong correlation between cognitive empathy and neurodivergence. Can only speak from my own personal experience but I identified the pattern Doctor K is describing in the video somewhere around college, went to therapy for that reason and a few others, got continuously dismissed for being too "high functioning", then lit up an autism screening like a Christmas tree in my late twenties years later. There's way too much stigma about mental health and you literally have nothing to lose by getting screened even if it comes back negative. Especially if a professional recommends it.

[@spacebar9733]

​@@ryanbarker3978 exactly my thoughts, I Believe there is a huge correlation but I'm only going off of anecdotal evidence. Autistic people are VERY empathetic.

[@majazagmajster9951]

I cried as I realised why I'm going to my mom for hugs so much for the past three years. I never realised it was because I didn't get any physical touch from anybody. I knew I was lonely and I realised that the idea of "being smart" could be the reason, but I never figured out it could go that deep.

[@leinadsalgado]

I do that too sometimes

[@swatbdaim1888]

bro im breaking my records i think that has been already 8 years since last human contact

[@divyanshsingh9369]

That's just sad.

[@ICR_Frizzstroyer]

If you were really smart, you'd have the social awareness to make friends and hold conversations with people to build a relationship and get into the position to have physical touch lol

[@user-jh8lj7jc8p]

​@swatbdaim1888 Congrats, my friend 🎉. Hope you break more and more such records! 😄

[@shannonkrause983]

I’m 54 and have never given 100% because failing with full effort would crush me. Thanks for the lesson Dr K.

[@newenglandgreenman]

I'm 61. Same.

[@aarankayse160]

Same here. But I'm 23.

[@016Jackal]

I am currently 17yrs old, and i feel the same.

[@danielyuan9862]

The times I gave 100% were the times I _really_ gave 100%, because I didn't want to fail.

[@mq-r3apz291]

I gave 50% on college until I get to be math tutor so I only did part time while doing way more freetime than an avg student in case it doesn't work out. Becoming a tutor is the "I can trust college" thing . Year off to being tutor, pandemic happens everyone losing jobs so would be waay too hard to get job so I dropped. Now over a year after pandemic I'm still hearing too many STEM students not getting jobs but instead 100k debt while I'm out here living life to the fullest.

[@AndroidG13]

12:29 So not only was I a "smart kid" and resonate with all the pitfalls Dr. K outlined up to this point, but I also didn't have good models of emotions. I didn't have parents that consoled me when I got hurt, I got parents that yelled at me and blamed me for getting hurt. "Didn't I tell you; you were gonna get hurt?! That's your fault!!! You want to cry?! I'll give you something to cry about!" What a lovely combination. Not only did I try to use intelligence to brute force my way through empathy for other people, but I also tried to logic my way through my own emotions because I had no healthy models for experiencing my own emotions. No wonder I had/have near zero self-esteem and massive amounts of frustration and self-hatred. "Everything is my fault" "I'm not good enough"

[@henvideljonathan9489]

@@AndroidG13 wow... Same here bud... Now I struggle with expressing emotions and if I get overwhelmed by feels I just logically dissociate from it completely... Puts quite the spin on the whole "being smart" with all the cool debuffs you get

[@BepeTheToad]

Its just that feeling you get when someone summarizes your entire life story. The problems, the reasoning and then the solutions, and I'm so glad I finished that before I got out of high-school.

[@JhonVaca]

That feeling 😮‍💨

[@m2255-e3n]

Lucky you. I'm watching this video at 28 years old.

[@CoolAsFreya]

I was a typical "smart kid", breezed through primary and middle school on intelligence with no social skills, really struggled in highschool with exactly these feelings you've mentioned in this video. As a young adult being diagnosed with Autism and ADHD I finally started getting answers for why my brain behaves how it does and learn to make life and tasks cater to my brain, I've now regained a lot of functionality that I didn't have in highschool.

[@Demopans5990]

As for me, I had a similar story. Even the first 2 years of college was piss easy (only needed to put in some study nights past the first year), but at what cost? Girlfriends? Regular friends?

[@sevenstarofheaven]

Btw could you tell me what's the sign of autism or adhd? I couldn't afford to go there, it would be really helpful

[@YeahTheMitchs]

I was taught to put in effort and though I sort of just passed my first few years of primary school, I excelled in high school. Much like you however, I also felt I had little experience in social skills. I was fine in my first years when I was just passing, but as I became smarter, I didn’t feel so familiar to everyone else and people stopped caring. This is when I think my social skills weakened due to the lack of socialisation. Everyone I had good relation with was either far older and far younger than my age level for the next 4 years. In high school, I had come to realise this and still struggle with social skills today but am improving. I now hang out with some great friends that I can chat to about anything and are also at my intelligence.

[@Andrewforjesus]

that is rough i got adhd but i aint smart lol

[@veiledfzngs]

This is... so accurate. I'm what's considered a "smart kid" in this scenario, and I'm 13. I have struggled a lot lately with family members telling me I'm "too lazy", but covering it up with stuff like "why won't you do it?" or "just do it." After watching this video, everything in my entire life just clicked. I've always been labeled the smart kid from siblings, parents, teachers, classmates, even friends. I've always had trouble socializing so I label myself as introverted. I've always hated interacting with other people online and in games because they're "stupid". I've always been scared of doing anything outside my comfort zone that takes too much effort. I've always been what people might call "lazy". Thank you so much for making this video. I hate the word lazy because it's such a negative word and it feels like I often put myself down using it, calling myself lazy. I finally understand what the problem actually is. I'm gonna share this video with my parents so I can finally be able to communicate and solve these problems effectively. Thank you again.

[@donttest]

👌

[@naushadalihashmi856]

You're literally me oh my god

[@jet_ta2939]

You said exactly what I was gonna say, yet I’m 17

[@master_mind422]

I'm the same as you but I'm 15 and diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and adhd. My inherent "laziness" is just a lack of dopamine that doesn't let me do anything I want to do and makes me over think every social interaction. Try asking your parents to take you to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis because you may have an underlying neurological issue like me and many other smart kids, it helps as they can advice your parents on what to do as well.

[@Sir_Lancelotz]

I'm the same, but never hear somebody talking about this topic I happy to see you are aware of that now (I'm 22)

[@AskStevenBlack]

I appreciate this one, Doc. My childhood was as one of those where they put the kid in advanced classes around kids he can’t relate to, like one of those gifted kid movies… complete with all the psychiatric cognitive tests. It was terribly isolating. Once ppl found out, it’s all they wanted to know about me. Playing the social puzzle game only taught me the habit of masking. Took me until I was 40 to break it through serious inner child work and learn to love myself.

[@victorinprogress]

Cognitive empathy is like using a CPU to do GPU calculations

[@NathanBrownisawesome]

I was thinking that this entire time!!!!!

[@wishfuldeity]

The more I think about this the more it makes sense lol

[@deadgameplayer9358]

best analogy

[@josephlabs]

That's funny

[@jaredbitz]

This is exactly how I've been thinking of it! It's like doing empathy in software because you don't have the right drivers to use the hardware built into your brain.

[@raflibyng]

Dr. K, I can't stress enough how MIND OPENING this video is. I'm 22 right now and all my life I've been feeling EXACTLY the way you described it. I have this passion for storytelling through film but I never myself make a crew or joining up other film crew because my ego always say "It's better to work on my own because they won't be able to capture my vision for the movie" and that's what makes me, in the end, lost the passion for filmmaking. I sincerely thank you for this information that you just gave me and I shall do my best to abandon this "smart kid" mentality and start connecting with other people and building strong bond with them. Thank you Dr. K, thank you so much.

[@austinjon31]

You can do it Pal!! Please, please be patient with yourself, let youself look bad, ask others, and let yourself fail x1000 times (chances are you'll pretty decent before x1000 ;) Not trying to preach. Totally in the same boat and wish I had the mentality a decade ago. Thank you Dr. K for starting this discussing!

[@slashtab]

@StefanoDaGiau Explain a bit more, how do I get most of remaining 2 years??

[@mell561]

@StefanoDaGiau I feel like you can learn at any age even though it's a bit easier when you are younger.

[@eatonkuntz]

Dude same. This video was painfully accurate. I always wanted to do more acting but could never give it 100%. Everything he talks about, I found through trial and error and it works but I hadn't put it all together yet. Now we have a plan. Let's make dreams happen brother. I'll come back here in a few months for sure.

[@eatonkuntz]

​@@slashtabI'm over 25 and still learning new mental skills constantly. I'm confident both you and I can improve with this video. Just gotta commit.

[@jonahsimmons3645]

"I don't want to take the first step until I can figure out the last step" is probably one of the biggest symptoms of this that really screws up my life. I generally don't have much success in putting my thoughts into words but that was the perfect way of saying that

[@thecringeyboylol]

I cried so hard while watching this video midway, I didn't think these kinds of videos touch your heart like it already knows you very much. I don't really watch videos about psychology, and this might be the first psychology video I've ever watched, and boy oh boy you made me realize how stupid I really was. Now I kinda regret what I did in elementary. I do still have time to change, just turned 18 a few days ago. After watching this video, I decided to go to a college where no one knows me, no one knows how pathetically smart I was, and remake my identity through the suggestions in this video. Love it, thanks so much.

[@SynaTek240]

I feel this so much. I'm now 20, and I have realised years ago that being labelled the 'smart kid' gave me exactly this identity of effortless success, and thus I purposefully never put effort toward anything, even though I really want to put effort in, in a way and it is still holding me back even if I have acknowledged it years ago, but I'm trying to be better every day. It's nice to hear that this is a reasonably common thing for others as well :) Edit: oh my god, I came to the part of the powerpoint class example and oh my god do I feel that so much. I miss out on so many classes and such, because I know I can figure it out myself, but then I don't end up doing it after all, damn

[@Kwint.]

Im here for you! id always be down to make more friends

[@jakewilkraw]

Hey I relate to this a lot. I was also considered by everyone as one of the smart kids at school. I found school a lot easier than most of the others, but now I'm 22 and am realising I actually need to put some effort in. You got this☺️

[@josephsalomone]

I put in little effort and was successful

[@BuildTimeMC]

Me too, I feel the same way and I also am 20

[@isac7579]

Good on you man for trying to get better! I’m 20 as well and I’m no better than when I dropped out of uni a year plus ago. When trying to get better was there a way you went about finding hobbies and interests? The one dimensional identity problem is killing me, I don’t have anything.

[@Alejandro_BoniIIa]

Man, I dug myself into this hole even deeper. I was the smart kid in school and started struggling here in university. But to bring myself out of it, I just worked harder on my own in the library. I learned to be efficient on my own. Now I’m on a big project team in my senior year as a leader and I’m genuinely awful because my communication is so bad.

[@nottomclancy2439]

Damn, bro. Hit the library, learn about communication, become the chad you're destined to be!

[@Josh-dp6iu]

@@nottomclancy2439didn’t we just watch a whole video on how rationalizing your way out of problems isn’t going to get us anywhere. Learn from experience, just get out there and talk to people.

[@ze_skyrex9102]

Effortless success was a poisoned gift for me. Sure early on I was able to succeed at everything almost without studying and had it easy. But once I reached university and that I actually had to start studying for real it all got very complicated since I never learned how to study. It costed me a lot of time along with a good portion of my self esteem to get my bachelor. Learning how to study properly is most likely the most difficult thing I had to learn since I never did it for 18 years.

[@NovaGirl8]

Same here. I managed to get my bachelors because I know I need it to get a job but I never passed my licensure exams that could have gotten me more pay faster. I still don't have my license but I am too lazy to do it.

[@kageisuke]

Same. It took me until I was nearly out of high school to learn to use flash cards. I took notes, but I never went over them. I still have bad study habits and I'm almost 40.

[@Gabriel_JudgeofHell]

i was fine.. until one test in 8th grade. i am about to take it and i have NO skills or motivation for studying because i remained 2+ grades ahead and didnt need to. its better to struggle for a 90 then to get 100's.

[@Gabriel_JudgeofHell]

im scared af but cant study well

[@tytool2385]

I'm a "smart kid" & I gotta say it feels great to give 150% at everything!, after I started talking to a classmate I'll call "Chocolate" for privacy I started to understand that it feels great talking to people maybe not everyone wants to harm me... still haven't told them how much they helped me but I'll do eventually.

[@lilymulligan8180]

Going back to school has been such an interesting experience for me. I was a "gifted kid" and had all of these problems you describe. I've spent the past few years working really hard to unlearn that perfectionism, and part of that process involved CHOOSING to no longer identify as "smart." Leaning into being average or only a tiny bit above average. Now that I'm back in school, I'm approaching it in a MUCH healthier way than before, but I'm also coming to realize that I legitimately am smarter than a lot of people. School really does come easier to me than some of my classmates. But I no longer use that as a way to boost my ego. It's just a small gift the universe has given me in the form of needing to study a little less to understand the same material. It's not that I can get away with not studying at all - I still have to work, and THAT'S what I base my success on now - but I'm lucky to generally understand concepts on the first try.

[@steggopotamus]

I like to think of it as talented at school. Others have other talents. It doesn't make them less smart, just have different specializations. But if a talent is going to grow into a useful skill, it needs to be nurtured with hard work, same as anything else.

[@victorinprogress]

How did you fix yourself? I’m still struggling to apply myself to the work

[@steggopotamus]

@@victorinprogress I haven't gone back to school. So, I guess I don't know how I'd do now. I have adhd, so the old school skills withered. But I got through college without reading lol because I'd try to write as fast as the teacher spoke.

[@veasnaec]

Bro I really relate to you. i did that too

[@KrissyChacon]

I was a gifted kid that did nothing with it. I hated having expectations (and to an extent, still do). I knew that getting into harder classes and pushing myself meant increasing expectation. As an adult, I still hate people expecting things from me, but I have learned how to semi-manage. Therapy really helped with that.

[@Movies_stuffed]

I know I shouldn't say this but I'm glad there's someone who thinks the way I do I hated having expectations

[@estherwestbroek]

Me too! I guess it's because I never actually wanted to be labeled the smart kid. They still did. And I got the short end of that stick.

[@Sophia.sunsun]

It's understandable that the pressure and expectations placed upon you as a gifted child created a sense of aversion towards expectations in general. It's great to hear that therapy has been helpful in managing these feelings and providing support in navigating those expectations as an adult. It's important to remember that you have the power to define your own path and set your own goals, independent of what others may expect from you. Prioritizing your own well-being and finding a balance between personal growth and managing external expectations can lead to a more fulfilling and authentic life. Keep exploring and utilizing the tools that work best for you on this journey of self-discovery.

[@こなた-m1o]

oh my god! someone finally put how i was feeling into words….

[@arandomperson7811]

true gifted students arent scared of harder classes in fact I feel like they would want to be challenged by it. People like terence tao aced international olympiads and the hardest of competitions even at a young age

[@rumanol6935]

I was very lonely because of that, but when I realized that nobody cared about my intelligence, I purposely stopped seeing myself as smart and I started having better social interactions and more friends. I stopped being analytical, and I learned to flow better almost unconsciously just by doing that change in my mentality. It’s nice to see that I figured out by myself the solution you just talked about. Now I feel smart xd. In reality I know that I’m smart, but I try to humble myself and say “I’m not that smart”, so I can work in something like an average person but improve twice as fast.

[@gytzero]

Haha my ego also really wanted to say the same thing while I was watching the video. But I'm still having the problem of being too analytical, you got any tips on how to overcome that?

[@sim4296]

@@gytzero see other people as humans worth talking to lol

[@gytzero]

​@@sim4296 lol

[@Hypnotic.-.]

I feel the same lol, French comes moderately easy to me and in our French class we usually play review games before tests and I’d usually get 1-3rd place and do it very fast and people would be like oh you’re so smart or how did you do it so fast? I’d be like “I don’t know” or I just memorized the terms and the English translation cuz I want to be humble. Tbh I agree with the statement that being seen as smart alienates you from every one else and that’s why I’ll play myself down as not that smart lol. Being told I was smart constantly has given me a really bad work ethic and a procrastinate a lot or put in bad effort. Usually when I come home from school I’ll sleep and then wake up at like 10 pm and take a shower and then do homework and then go back to sleep at 3am. I’m working on trying to put 100% effort but like dr k said I make a lot of excuses like oh I’ll do it tomorrow or I’ll just take a quick nap(when it ain’t) or I just rush it and it’s bad quality work. Idk how to put much effort in because in previous years I’ve had to put in no effort to be successful and not saying like I’m gifted or something but I wish I needed to put more effort in-in previous years so I could grow a proper work ethic. Funny thing is when I entered middle school I didn’t know much and was failing all my classes and my parents were very angry with me but then Covid happened and suddenly I was just smart 💀 😭 like not even joking, I got good grades and I never studied much and still did well. I would go home, do my homework and then play games and watch tv etc rinse repeat and I didn’t need to work much. Now I’m a junior in high school still mostly cruising but my physics class has gotten hard and idk what to do cuz it requires a lot of effort, another proof to my low effort is that I had a 100 in world history advanced last marking period which told me that I should’ve moved up to world history honors or whap, but it requires more effort and didn’t want to feel dumb if I did bad in there. Anyways time to make a second comment since this is so long lol

[@Hypnotic.-.]

Anyways I don’t even know if my last comment has anything to do with being smart all I know is I have bad time management problems/procrastination/laziness problems/effort problems lol(probably need professional help). Worried for university because it’s gonna be very hard and requires dedication and hard work and perseverance and the ability to learn from mistakes etc. Also when I get home I still mostly do homework(the bare minimum) and then either sleep or go on KZbin lol but rarely study unless it’s physics. Also 2 tangents I have lol: Tangent 1: we should just get rid of the word smart. Like obviously it’s a complement but like dr k said “being smart is being effortlessly successful” I’d rather someone say I’m successful, perseverant, and committed than smart lol. Mostly because people can only be majorly successful if they work hard and stay committed. Smart people arent better than successful people unless their smartness can carry them through university lol. Smart people don’t put in effort because if they fail they will feel defeated and dumb which equates to smart people only put in effort if they know the result. Which relates to real life in which these kinds of people only make decisions if they know the outcome but in reality a lot of decisions and conversations need to be natural and on the fly. I decided to take a risk a join boys volleyball even though I was bad at vball and it was a new sport in our school but I’m slowly learning how to get better and might even make varsity this year. Couldn’t imagine my life if I never joined. Anyways take risks even if you don’t know the outcome and even if you fail, take what you learned and try again and always try 100% ❤ Tangent 2: anyone realize that people also don’t gravitate towards kind people? Like everyone says I’m so kind and nice and smart etc but then never invite me to parties or sleepovers or basically anything lol. I think it’s just hardwired into our brains that kindness isn’t really to be kind, it’s because people aren’t comfortable enough being who they truly are around people or they can’t say what they want to say to them. If everyone was kind to each other the world would be boring tbh and I am a boring person because I am kind and don’t really feel like I can be myself, like at school I’m humble, polite and quiet but then at home I’m the exact opposite, I’ll make light fun of my brother and talk wayyy too much and dance around the house lol

[@wildcaffeine8906]

this just gave me a new perspective- im heading into college now, but i feel lost in the fact that i dont know who i am going into that. this video just helped me realize why am i afraid of getting into driving like my friends are, why am i isolating from fun events and activities in favor of just rotting in bed and doing assignments due weeks later, and just, this video just helped me realize that all i do have is "i am just smart" my parents want me to just keep studying; get into a college, be my own boss, get a job that earns me a lot without doing much. im trying to tell them that i dont want to be smart anymore- i just want to be a kid who didnt have to grow up so soon. this video felt like a hug. it felt like it validated all these feelings ive been having since i was 14. and just, thanks for making this video

[@miringuinasanchez9176]

Another girl about to go to college here!, literally felt identified by every word in the video and in your comment, I often catch myself not expressing my thoughts or ideas, for example in a simple group work I just try to stay in my comfort zone and play safe, not telling my ideas because of fearing they might be bad ideas or failures, this makes me mad at myself for not being confident enough and then I just say to myself well it doesn’t matter, or when I’m talking to a friend or hang out with them I have to make sure I know everything that is going to happen and think of conversation, activities, I just fear not being able to know what to say and I sometimes even just say I can’t go or make up an excuse, going in to university I have no idea of who I am or even if my ideas were actually good or what, I haven’t been able to fail and learn from that I just hide.

[@NestPavel]

Ex-"Gifted" child here. All of this describes me almost perfectly. My "smart" mind always felt like my whole identity. At school I easily understood the whole programm without any effort. I remember, when I got at univercity, among all courses there were math. Advanced one. And I remember that on the very first lecture there were a lot of new material, and there was I, who, for the first time, couldn't understand it. I got so scared, that I literally cried rigth there in the auditorium. Of course I suppressed it and no one noticed, but later on I felt this immense pressure from the other students, who were much smarter than me. Now I am 26, got expelled from uni 3 times, unemployed and having panic attacks, which almost destroyed my social life. Like others mentioned, my "non-gifted" classmates are much more successful now.

[@bluesea3422]

It doesn't make you a failure, keep going

[@NestPavel]

@@bluesea3422 oh, thanks mate! Tbh it's better now than it was before (thanks to the therapy, books and videos like that), but still got a long distance to cover.

[@bluesea3422]

@@NestPavel Don't metion it, glad to hear it's better now

[@burakenaktas]

@@NestPavel It is getting much more better and you are going to become a human being who still gifted but being aware of life much more than before.

[@NestPavel]

@@burakenaktas Thank you for your kind words

[@chrisdavidpham]

I'm amazed by Dr. K's ability to articulate the cognition and feelings going through my mind when I'm struggling with video topics like this

[@monocygnia]

same dude

[@DanniBby]

We need to also talk about why the smart kids need to plan their steps. It’s because of being more sensitive to the results of what happens next. It’s an emotional reason, it’s not just just of their cognitive mind, it’s because of what they are feeling.

[@petefrancisco3267]

Dont tell me they also heard my freakin mouth! Oh my god.. 🤐🙄

[@yellowtapes]

I'm gonna kinda disagree. In my eyes, we plan ahead because logically this step should get us here or will get us there. Problem here is, it's a huge bulnder because the world does not run on logic, atleast in our society or society itself. Like look around, look at all the shit everyone's doing and calling it reality. And it's fustrating and depressing when you understand the logical aspect of it and how you could fix that but you can't understand the overwhelming emotions that got them there in the place. Like you'd be shock to learn they already know how to fix their problems their emotions just won't let them. It's like feeling tired and knowing sleep is what gets you rested, but what if you're emotionally tired, sleeping then becomes irrelevant.

[@DanniBby]

@@yellowtapes it wouldn’t make them hurt or depressed if they were okay with the results they planned for of what could happen and just logically understanding wouldn’t cause hurt or a need to avoid possible hurt by planning ahead, even if things didn’t logically make sense, they wouldn’t be hurt if it wasn’t an emotional reason behind it, they would just think that other people are stupid

[@SleepingIsBeauty]

Tbh I've had to go from school to school at a young age which effected my concept of socialising and friendships. I remember the voices in my head would say something like "Friends are like gum, temporary sensations. The ones closest inflict the most harm" Then I took my epilepsy meds and the voices grew louder, I just zoned out and stopped. I didn't know how to feel then.

[@vegito1262]

This rlly hurt. It’s awesome that there’s someone who is able to just say the main problems of my life. But hugging strangers is NOT going to help. Part of being in a situation to offer a hug also involves getting to that social situation. Like you said, it’s hard for us to able to even leave the house. There are probably more videos of yours that we can watch to help with that, but linking them in the description would be super helpful. Really enjoying the content and hopefully I can find solutions to the problems, rather than just hearing about them.

[@kyubeyo]

Yea I feel like I have to be someone’s friend before even offering a hug. It even seems weird for me with close friends- a quiet kid

[@Loansome_]

Idk if you have a certain living condition/situation that prevents you from going outside but to me that just sounds like another thing you're trying to rationalize. "It's NOT going to help" how do you know that? How do you know it wouldn't help? And why are you trying to think about getting into a social situation before actively doing so? Part of letting go of rationalizing things is to just go out and do things. It's completely possible to hug strangers. Anybody that is considered a friend was at one point a stranger. Next time you go out to get something, try asking how the person next to you is doing, or compliment their Breaking Bad shirt or something. Small efforts go a long way and can lead to bigger and more impactful things. Hell, some people are probably cool with giving hugs even if they don't know you LOL, but you can't say nothing is going to help or that something isn't possible unless you actually go out there and do it and let yourself be humbled. Maybe even sign up for some in person event that happens somewhat often so you can see more familiar faces and get to know people closer. Idk, but it's important to just let go of your rationality and just do things. idk that's just my 4am take. but everyone deserves to be loved, and you can't say you can't do something unless you go out there and do it. and let yourself fail a few times so you can succeed in the future. it's all that life is, sucking at something is the first step to being sorta good at something.

[@Cheesy_XYZ]

fr i sturggle socially and making friends

[@agames8398]

@@Loansome_ i think what they meant was that it is hard to go into that situation mentally after so many years of enforcing the idea that they can't leave the house without logic

[@kate_lizzerd]

I came here from "Burnt out gifted kids" resource pack, and damn I cry listening to every lesson on that. I would never imagine that there are so many people who are in the same situation, that it can have a name. I'd never imagine that I still have so much pain about how my school went since grades 5-7 and how I still feel like ever since my life went downhill. I've always told people that I used to be super introverted and didn't like communication, but at some point I started watching a lot of stand up comedy, observe how popular and charismatic peope act, and literally I just learned from that how to act the way that people like you. Same, since childhood I learned how to say things adult like and make them feel like I understand them so I have less problems. I ended up being in a situation when everybody thinks I'm a brilliant happy funny genius, extremely confident, have many friends and my life is amazing. And when I tell people that I'm incredibly insecure and I hate myself for every mistake and for every time I talked too much (which is every time I talk at all), they can't believe it. What I heard here about cognitive empathy is soooo much to the point. I'm literally crying. Now I'm learning how to actually be sincere with people and to make real connections, how to say what I feel and not just try to entertain everybody. This is something absolutely new for me but it brings much more value

[@dean8529]

Same! It's exactly the "observe and imitate, learn and adapt" thing that makes me emotionally stupid! Every time I talk a bit too much, I feel like a failure cuz I had a good plan in mind and failed to execute! I struggle to make real connections because of the "defensive arrogance". And because my empathy is pretty much cognitive, I find it hard to convey my real feelings, sometimes it's hard to even have those feelings in the first place!

[@kelly5402]

@@dean8529 ya I can so relate, most of the time I didn't fully realize I was analyzing social situations and such, but always felt so tired afterwards. I definitely struggled with cognitive empathy, every social situation felt tiring and a pain. Friendships would come and go quickly and I'd always logic my way into new ones, and each time I just felt more drained. Also making sure I never felt close to any of them. Whenever I was called lazy or fake (even if as a joke) - or whenever I'd call myself that - I'd pretend to wear it like a badge and transform it into a joke, and laugh it off, pretending to not get affected. because I was "confident and smart". Even though I felt so bad afterwards and my self esteem was 6 feet under.

[@OliverFoote]

My DEY (do everything yourself) mindset has sabotaged me, SO MANY TIMES. I have STRUGGLED asking for help. In school, in personal life, financially, emotionally. I’ve finally begun to relinquish some control and realize that it’s not a good use of time to learn something from zero when I can just ask someone whose already done it and learn in 2 minutes instead of 2 hours. Has been an eye opener

[@こなた-m1o]

omg are you me ):

[@g6a0912]

it depends. if the help isn't *real* help, doesn't better your understanding and only gives you "the answer", it might be better to just go for it yourself

[@Hammerbjornson]

This is actually insanely helpful, I will definitely refer to this anytime I feel stuck, I feel like I have been dealing with a lot of the issues that you explain here, and I think this will help me a lot, thanks.

[@tdreamer25]

This coupled with undiagnosed ADHD was a recipe for disaster. I had to pick myself from the bottom and start over. Learning that it's okay to fail has been so great. I also learned that social skills can be improved on after spending time with people. I'll never get back all those years I missed on socializing but I can at least look forward. Thank you!

[@bigbadlara5304]

I come from a similar situation from the looks of it. Your comment motivates me just a bit more to try and socialize now.

[@ghog__]

Exactly the same with autism. I’m just this year trying a lot more to socialize, and it’s starting to work out a lot better.

[@weirdwarlock625]

Empathizeing hard here

[@Elyuwu_]

I had this same issue growing up, but thankfully I got lucky enough to meet some esports coaches during my teenage years and they put me on the right path. I still struggle sometimes, but knowing that failure is a good thing and taking "snapshots" of my progress to look back on helped alot. I can guarantee that if I never met those people or someone like that, I'd be at the bottom of the "smart kid" spiral. ADHD makes studying by reading a book or listening to a lecturer extremely difficult, but I managed to get into uni courses where most meetings are not mandatory and they are self study oriented. For anyone reading this; please try to learn how to fail and ask for help before life forces you to fail, its the easiest way to avoid falling into the void of self doubt

[@thesandopede1466]

Yeah me too I never really had a lot of friends I just like to spend my time alone not only that every time I fail I would hurt myself it was a hard time and I'm still struggling with it I prefer to daydream rather than socialize and the few friends I had just kinda drifted away. Glad that you're improving

[@wanderingrandomer]

I'm sat here chuckling, because this is me 100%. Everything you said so perfectly describes my experiences growing up. I also get Imposter Syndrome for days, because my intelligence usually carries me to the point of grasping concepts easily so I can do a pretty good job without trying, but then get suspicious that I just BS'ed my way through without actually learning anything, because I didn't have to put in effort. I remember when I hit the wall of my intelligence no longer carrying me. I was 17, studying higher level Maths in sixth form. I would've failed if it wasn't for private lessons. I felt so stupid and humiliated, then it just kept happening when I reached adulthood. I feel so lazy because anything that gives me any amount of difficulty, I drop like it's hot and move on. I really struggled with my identity during my previous job as a labourer, because "any idiot could do that". Even now, it still chafes that dumb people have life figured out better than me, because "I'm smart, I should be able to get this"

[@noobifest2413]

I'm sad how this describes me to a T. I thought and pretended to be "special," when I'm just another typical smart kid who is lonely and has no identity other than being smart. And I've had enough.

[@user-yt5mn1cd2s]

if u could go back and give ur 17 year old self a few words of advice to improve himself what would u say? Im in the exact same boat, i failed calculus last semester because i couldnt for the life of me put in the work or have the humility to ask for help (in college and 17). ive never failed a class in my life but it happened then. now I’m retaking it and I don’t want to repeat the same thing over again. So since you had a situation so similar to mine any words would be appreciated.

[@wanderingrandomer]

@@user-yt5mn1cd2s I would probably tell him to not be afraid to ask for help, to admit you're struggling. Part of seeing yourself is the pride of thinking you can do things on your own, but everything's easier with help. And I know it's hard, but learning how to study properly is an OP skill. Take notes, find outside resources. There wasn't much on KZbin when I was at school, but I know there are some creators who focus on advanced mathematics.

[@karl_margs]

​@@user-yt5mn1cd2spersonally I would have made use of my professors' office hours A LOT more. I also never failed a class until college, and I ended up retaking several dropped courses on the way to my engineering BS. If I'd utilized office hours more, I probably wouldn't have dropped as many courses. Also find classmates to study with. Explaining concepts to my classmates that they didn't understand and vice versa really helped me to understand them better. Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself if you still struggle. It is easier said than done, and being smart, it's not like we don't know what the solutions are, it's finding the motivation and energy to implement them that is the challenge.

[@Amateur_Hours]

You really helped me see this problem that I had but didn't know I had. You weren't all like 'oh look at you complaining with all your IQ "my life's so hard"', it looks like you actually faced the same problems and genuinely wanted to help others like you. Thank you.

[@savage5757]

you can't tell a child that he's smart, because he decides that he can't try, you can't tell a child that he's stupid, because he can believe it and give up and stop making efforts, because "it's useless, I'm stupid." And what can children be told? is it even possible to talk to them?

[@treygraphicsfte6747]

I’ll tell my future kids that you are a hard worker and brave, and don’t be afraid to fail because that’s how we improve

[@Chemest_a]

Tell a child he is smart, don’t tell him it’s because he didn’t try. Make a child do difficult things and make their eventual successes feel amazing. Don’t tell a child “you’re dumb”, tell a child “hmm that’s not right, let’s try it this way”. And if the child is clearly not performing well in that area, continue working on it but lean into the subjects they’re better & happier in.

[@shahanshahpolonium]

You frame it like "wow you got good marks because you studied for so long yesterday"

[@SirHenri272]

@@shahanshahpolonium and even that can be wrong.

[@shahanshahpolonium]

@@SirHenri272 how

[@t1m3l0rd]

Wow. After listening to hundreds of hours of psychology videos and audios, and going to therapy this is the first time that someone describes my main issue after all these years. Poor social skills, bullied and labeled a smart kid until being smart without hard-work didn’t cut it anymore. I flew passed most classes effortlessly until hitting a wall in college where putting time in solving problems was a must and at the same time dealing with a brake up. Losing complete faith in my availability of being smart after a break up was probably for the better. I could have been so much worse. Thank you Dr. K. Finally putting a finger to my core issue is gonna bring some peace to years of searching to understand why was I not better off when I had so many opportunities.

[@allneo8566]

I have never in my life connected to a video this much. I’m 20, my life has constantly reflected this, and it has been getting a lot worse the last 5 years. I can’t even describe how mind opening this was, and how thankful I am for the advice at the end.

[@niamnbd3565]

I'm speechless.. years of trying to understand what's wrong with me and this just clarifies everything. In my experience being gifted not only brought effortless success but inevitable success and once I failed for the first time I couldn't process it.

[@tinaz4416]

This is a million times better and more accurate than those "growth mindset" speeches

[@VioletEmerald]

Another dimension of this is when you are emotionally neglected or abused at home but you're a smart kid, teachers at school give you the loving attention you need because you're a smart kid. If you're raised by parents with conditional love, love that they only show when you're not disappointing them by getting a B in school or something, the same thing applies. You learn you need to be perfect (perfectionism) in order to be loved or to prevent the pain of rejection and shame of failure. Your identity as smart is tied to your ability to be appreciated as a human being at all.

[@Loveyourself21072]

what if i am both at the same time😢

[@Human_01]

...Can't relate. Could never "love" an abuser or "parents" who neglect. Both are willful. I have always hated both, since childhood (primary school +). No matter how high or low, rich or poor someone is... you will always have "haters" (especially with 'narcissits'/NPD, and then [narcissistic] borderline/BPD).

[@VioletEmerald]

​@Cross_00 what part can't you relate to? Your grammar is a little off throughout this entire message and I'm not sure what your ultimate point is. I didn't feel love for my abusive mother or feel loved by her ever but by teachers I was basically loved was my original point.

[@rbvp45]

This 100%

[@kdog3908]

Smart kid at school with ADHD (not diagnosed until adulthood) Smarts masked ADHD. ADHD turned school into a dull, frustrating (for me, parents & teachers) s***show. Current day: I live alone, suffer from depression, rarely see or speak to friends or family, can't hold down a job, can't get a good job because I can't stick with anything long enough to get experience or a formal qualification (includes two attempts at university. Both a bust.) Why am I tell you this? Because it's a little late for me now (i'm 51) but if someone reads this and by doing so they manage to change direction for the better than I have, at least, turned my s****y situation into a lifeline for someone else. You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself.

[@SuperTertify]

Never too late for improvement friend! I too have been labeled “gifted” and been recently diagnosed with adhd. 27 now, although I grieve that I wasn’t diagnosed sooner and I didn’t understand why I am the way I am, I’m grateful that now I can have a plan to improving myself.

[@molchmolchmolchmolch]

​@@beingzombievstheworldyou don't fix it. You accept it and then you try to figure out what you need to change about your life, environment etc so you don't just keep suffering in the same circumstances

[@kdog3908]

@@vinny1641 Stress, depression, physical illness (possibly psychosomatic) manifests as asthma or sinusitis, high blood pressure. Been on an off BP meds a lot through the years. Outwardly, verbal clashes with customers, colleagues and management. I've probably spent more time being disciplined in jobs then I ever did in school. Never got to physical altercations but got a little too close for comfort at times. I'm not temperamentally a violent person, at all btw. I've never been fired as I always walk before i'm pushed.

[@elliotfinn]

Holy shit. Gifted student here (scored 144 on an IQ test at 7) who also has ADHD. Currently 14 and in eighth grade. Thank you for this warning - I will attempt to take this video's points to heart so I can live a good life.

[@kdog3908]

@@elliotfinn The pitfalls are there. Just keep an eye open. For example, i'm terrible at keeping in touch with friends. So much so many good friendships have fallen by the wayside. A couple of potential marriages have suffered for the same reasons. If you ever start getting bored of a friendship think very long and hard about what makes you friends. If the friendship is important to you then make efforts to maintain it. Don't let feelings of boredom let good friendships lapse! They're worth the effort! 😀

[@barbaravanzyl2516]

Thank you. This really put into perspective how I approach life. My favourite self sabotage excuse is “I can’t start working on my goals until I finish this other random thing”.

[@JuanJoSe-bw4yv]

Im still 16 and I think the hardest part is how much we can believe in videos like this, and most of all, relate to them. Makes me doubt if watching it just allows me to justify the state that I am at and not grow just because "I'm a smart kid". Or maybe even looking for validation, trying for someone out there to soy to me that if I have these problema, then it's just because i'm smart.

[@picaludica]

At 39 years old, I've only recently managed to start undoing all the damage that has been done by being stuck in the "smart kid" persona. This video so accurately describes the coping mechanisms and pitfalls I've experienced that it feels eerie. This needs to be common knowledge, this *needs* to be taught to teachers and parents. This is lifesaving insight, that can prevent a child from becoming a lonely, dysfunctional adult. Thank you for doing this!

[@idaner]

I wish I could have watched this video years ago... I feel like this video describes the situation I was in a couple years ago perfectly and I always thought that I could fix that myself, it took me a lot of time but eventually I managed to figure out those two first steps by myself and am now actually functioning socially. That human touch part hit me hard though, as I did notice others were hugging, patting each other's shoulders etc. much more than I ever felt comfortable doing and I kept making excuses as to why not to engage in it more myself... "they might not be comfortable", "maybe they're scared of being touched", "it's creepy for you to hug them"... I actually started forcing myself to hug people about three months ago and it still feels weird to do but I am becoming much more comfortable with touch and the little loneliness I have left is diappearing. Even though I couldn't watch it earlier and came to those conclusions myself (arrogant smart guy, anyone?), it definitely is comforting to know that I'm not the only one that's undergone that exact same process and that the methods I've employed were actually relevant and I'm not just tricking myself into believing that it works.

[@ultimobile]

good video thanks - as a 'smart kid' who topped the first 6 grades at school without studying and simply from my general and voracious reading, I recognise the Social Isolation and Defensive arrogance of my youth. Now old and retired, especially to communicate in NESB countries, I tend to stay mostly silent and instead rely on body language, especially touch to convey feeling when we don't have a national language in common. And it totally works. Yesterday on departing, I hugged a friend's friend who knew only a few words of English, and she positively glowed and flashed me a brilliant smile. No confusion there - just happiness.

[@DawnisticArt]

I totally used logic to help my self esteem. If I’m not confident in myself I’ll investigate how I feel and search for my own emotions to go and fix the issue. I literally don’t show emotion unless I want to, most of the time, sometimes it comes randomly.

[@Sock-Monster-Simian]

Man, this video hit hard. I was a 'smart kid,' but I never actually cared about interacting with people. I was always alone and never lonely. The effort problem is really horrible now, because I'm around people that know the same stuff as me, and I never put any effort into doing more than what is expected of me. So I never get really good at anything, because I'm already alright at a lot of things without even trying. All my investment has been put toward things I was already good at, which I learned as a child effortlessly (like learning English, grammar, and writing from just reading hundreds of books as a kid). I totally get the defensive arrogance too, because I'm constantly proving that I know stuff, and I've argued extensively on the internet and always just end up being embarrassed. I'm pretty cocky, but when I get something wrong, I immediately feel like an idiot and have to prove that I knew that I got it wrong, and why I got it wrong. Everything else just hurts my brain. All of this I have felt, and my entire identity is formed around understanding myself completely based on logical rules and regulation. I knew I thought all this stuff, but I never considered it might be the actual thing that is detrimental to me.

[@wabbex5054]

I've found myself in this exact same situation for pretty much as long as I can remember. It's gotten to the point where i've transcended from defensive arrogance to straight up narcissism, and a total inability to feel any emotions resembling empathy or remorse. I'm trying my best to get some mental clarity, and I realize that all of the qualities that i took so much pride in, which i used to justify my shortcomings are actually hurting me more than anything else, but at this point it might just be too late to do anything about it. I've come to accept who I am, and get my way around things to the best of my ability. The cognative load of socializing, and pretending you like people who in reality you think are blithering idiots has eased off over time, and I find that the more i pretend, the better I become at both of these things. I wish things were different for me, and I know this isn't ideal, but addressing a difficult upbringing, years of social isoltion, and a fair bit of abuse from a young age isn't easy. I'd be lying if I said that I wish you luck to come out on top of things, however you seem like a clever guy, so I trust that you will push forward. I'm just glad I'm not the only person with this problem, it makes me feel like I'm not on my own.

[@OstadPapa]

The part about "not giving it your all" really hit home. I always have told myself I failed a certain task because I didn't commit to it... even though deep down I know tried really damn hard.

[@slashtab]

I'm in the same boat. Mix it with procrastination and we have a poison.

[@SerasXHarkonnen]

When you said that socialising becomes a puzzle to be solved, that really resonated with me, but I actually enjoy it, I like trying to figure new people out, see what makes them tick, it's fun. Meeting new people is one of my favourite things to do.

[@sakurayuki5301]

The problem starts when you are too deep in i guess. In my case, i developed my own language associations and since i didnt use the words that much in conversation...., lets just say there was a lot of explaining to do, every time i talked about a deeper topic.

[@_.why-low._]

I was praised for being smart and always got whatever I wanted because of my test scores that I didn't want to try anything I might not be good at. Anytime I wasn't good at something right away, I just quit.

[@AstroLuv137]

I decided to go to college at 28, in a field I know less about and it feels so good being a noob lol. There is such a sense of freedom with accepting that I am a beginner and going ṭhrough the journey of getting better. Life is definitely easier being humble with myself and accepting the slow but steady process instead of thinking that I am the best etc.

[@intaze]

this video described my life so much to the point i was a little freaked out. i always thought i was just misunderstood by everyone and doomed to fail, and never understood why i couldn’t be like everyone else. being smart is such a blessing and a curse.

[@demonpopup27]

I'm not a kid anymore, but I still have these problems at 25. I also still don't try very hard. I'm a bit avoidant and I'm just always worried and constantly speculate past situations all the time.

[@Docky1409]

Thanks for opening kinda my eyes, i feel a little bit stupid bc so much time wasted and so much hurting yourself, also I'm remembering how my mom told me every morning like I'm the first, the second and the third, of everything.. that kinda mess how everything turned out for me later in life, but somehow finally found something that makes me feel a little bit of passion, it takes humility in that too Bless u dr. K

[@KidarWolf]

I think I dodged a bullet on this one, despite being gifted (in the autistic sense). What I heard a lot as a kid was "you're really smart, and if you apply yourself, you can be brilliant!" My dad and I are naturally competitive people, and we competed with each other when it came to skills, knowledge, and trivia, and we still do. That desire to outcompete people drove me to put effort in, because growing up around motorsports taught me very early on that you can be born great, but you'll never be at the top if you don't apply yourself a hundred percent to what you want to compete in. Coming up against something new and challenging didn't put me off. If anything, it made me focus on strengthening that weakness, because the more you work to turn a weakness into a strength, the stronger you are overall. That paid off this past weekend when I beat my dad at something he has decades of experience with, and I have less than a decade of experience with. And what made it feel like an achievement was that it was the culmination of sustained effort over many years, and of specific effort that day. I'm not the best at everything, and I know it's an unrealistic goal to try to be, but what I can be is my best at something. If I can say after failing, that it wasn't for lack of effort, then that failure is a victory, because I kept going in the face of adversity, and I just plain got beaten by someone who was better at it. The analysis that follows those events helps me pinpoint what area I need to work on next to improve myself.

[@crweirdo8961]

Thank you, I needed to hear that, to be reminded of that.

[@Utetheisa-Coloptera-Ulgari]

this was me but both competitiveness and super smart girls.

[@Torpax_]

I had a similar experience, but my dad was less competitive. He always emphasized results come from effort, though. The smarts just help (mainly for post-analysis so you don't make the same mistakes multiple times)

[@Rishort]

I find it always really confronting when Dr. K manages to (again) fit the story of my life in 20 minutes. Thank you for this video, I cried during the most of it

[@That_Russel_Pup]

I thought I was the only one who felt emotional 😭

[@Rishort]

​@@kindauncool Interesting perspective! I think it is indeed important to not blindly believe some stranger on the internet, even if it is a licensed psychiatrist. One thing I noticed when going into therapy last year, was that my psychologists where actially very cautious in jumping to conclusions. Like, dr K. often tells things like "if you suffer from X, it is often caused by Y" and tells a really logical story around it, whereas my own psychologists where more of the following approach: "you say you are suffering from X. There could me numerous causes for this, so let's for now just focus on how you're feeling about it", because in the end it often didn't matter how I ended up struggling with my emotions, as long as I found a way to process them. When I first started watching videos on this channel I was pretty concious of this, but I think it has fallen a bit to the background so I appreciate your comment as a reminder! :) Though I still find a LOT of things from this video very, very relatable

[@Hexanitrobenzene]

@@kindauncool "He uses manipulation to get you to agree" Wait, are you saying that Dr. K has malicious intents with his channel ? If so, then I really disagree. I have seen quite a number of his videos, including interviews, and I have formed an opinion that he is genuinely concerned with the mental health of others. What you describe as "manipulation" I think is just a an attempt to make videos more informal and appealing to younger audience.

[@memory_null]

@@kindauncool Manipulation or not, he still gives good advice on how to be a good authentic person and have a healthy mind.

[@Hexanitrobenzene]

@@kindauncool Once Dr. K shared an advice he got from other KZbinrs: "You have to trick people into learning". Maybe that's what you are sensing.

[@najlepszykrolik]

Dr. K is so right about abandoning the "smart kid" identity. When I got out of high school and started building up a social life for the first time, I realized I could make a lot of friends and connect to them really well. For several years, it became really rewarding. Then something brought me back to fixating on my 'giftedness' and I started to feed into a latent sense of isolation. I was busy doing nothing with my life while my peers were excelling, or at the very least, getting by in a way that I wasn't.

[@Balloonf1re]

That's true, even recently I stopped doing one project "because I didn't have time", while in reality I just didn't learn some parts of the material... Thanks for the video, gonna try to change!)

[@Dhruvbala]

Felt targeted by the section on defensive arrogance 😆 But in all seriousness this is one of the best breakdowns I’ve seen, thank you. More than an aversion to hard work, what holds me back is fear that by trying too hard I’ll encounter the limits to my natural ability

[@Rysdan]

I remember a high school exam I failed due to not knowing how to properly study and memorize things that were on the test. Despite putting in all effort I could on my own it was still a failing grade and that moment realizing that despite doing all you could you had no idea while sitting over the test was so terrible it left me pale, sweating an generally sick looking from the anxiety to the point I got sent home due to looking too ill (managed to do the exam again successfully later thanks to a better idea what to expect). Interestingly I later learned things like persistence which end up giving you an edge over people who give up easily and so now its the other way: I got used to failing first time in university with something new, but I come back to do it right after. For example: didn't get to last university on first try, but did on second. Fix my articles to be published multiple times (for whatever reason strict formalism is always an issue, but if people are patient I get it right), got told I can't do an exam without a consultant, tried, failed once, tried again, did it. Now I hold a phd because I didn't let myself be intimidated by failure and I genuinely think problem solving ought to be paired with persistence and ability to deal with failure. Smart is good, but you can't do everything by being smart. A good CPU does nothing if you just let it spin or are afraid to apply it at all. There's plenty of mental skills to learn and develop: empathy, willpower, understanding your own mental biases and whatever your profession requires likely has a ton of specialized mental skills you need too. Don't be afraid to get better, don't let people look down at you for trying and failing. People will look down on you for failing because you're doing what they themselves are scared of.

[@Shreya...1]

Thank you for this comment I hope to reply again in 4-5 years

[@AlexRodriguez-gb9ez]

Exams are bad, they give the people who pass them overconfidence and the people who do bad on them unnderconfidence... I think we should change to "SRS systems" or to focus on applying knowledge in the real world...

[@zephyrias]

👏👏👏 I had to comment now that when I “give up” on a task that is too difficult I succeed but if its something along the lines of difficulty with a chance of failure, I fail. :/

[@Baguul_Official]

I’m glad I was humbled and crumbled early in life, I didn’t have to try, my parents and teachers were gassing me up. But I suffered from depression from my parents divorce and it didn’t help socially. I got through it and it’s been a very life humbling experience

[@dani_drawzz]

I gotta say. You lured me in through that thumbnail. I love flattery.

[@penteractgaming]

Tbh in my experience as being known as "the smart kid" my life was much more defined by what other people assumed about me. People assumed that because I was good at math and science that school was too easy so the expectations and workload were increased. Meanwhile I had undiagnosed ADHD that required a tremendous amount of effort to mask in order to pass as neurotypical and all being "the smart kid" got me was more work piled on top of the masking that I was doing to exist in a neurotypical world. So it wasn't that I was "the smart kid" and nothing else so much as people assumed I was "the smart kid" and nothing else.

[@nehuenturrisi7088]

i'm 16 and this man just described exactly my situation, and helped me move forward. thank you. i've been stuck for a while now.

[@Link98745]

same

[@nectarina3891]

My parents and teachers constantly lauded how pretty and smart I was growing up. I hardly remember being complimented on anything else like effort or bravery or kindness. I was moved up 2 grades at 6 years old but started flunking at basically everything at 14. I started to struggle to maintain friendships at that age too because I was not encouraged to work on social skills and just couldn't really connect to me piers. I am 26 now and trying to learn what I missed, I am lucky to have a husband with high social skill and I have learned a lot from watching him and asking him how he is approaching things. I realized I am usually trying to strongarm all my problems with cognition. it is exhausting, and working on diversifying skills is slow-going and tiring but I do find it rewarding. I practice having easy and emotionally connective/receptive interactions in small doses at my customer service job and I come home less drained.

[@khv12345]

im 16 and i really relate to this vid, having the epiphany that my fear of failure is a result of my own ego has been so freeing, i think i forgot why i loved learning so much in the first place because i wanted to get back the status of the "smart kid" so badly . i might be "smart" but im not superhuman, i'm going to fail at times like everyone else but its ok because im learning more about the world and different skills and thats something to be excited about!! even this simple change in mindset has allowed me to connect so much more with others and even discover my own passions.

[@EvanEscher]

This video hit home. I got held back in Pre-Kindergarten and was the smartest kid in my class. Classmates would often ask me for answers, teachers praised me. etc.. Then I skipped 2nd grade, and was no longer the smartest kid in the class. By the time I got to 4th grade my academic performance started to decline. When I got to High School, my only good grades were in math, but didn't even pass the AP Test. I started feeling "lonely" around this time. I was still smart in a weird way though, I knew everyone's birthdays and class schedules. In college, my grades weren't superb, but they were good enough to pass comfortably. Today, a few years removed from finishing my undergraduate degree, I wouldn't say I'm lonely, as I have friends, but I don't have any super meaningful relationships outside of my family and childhood friend.

[@Jungwons_GrapeJuice]

Yeah I can relate to that remembering everyone’s birthday part very much. I just remember not very useful features about people idk why though. When I came into middle schoo the grades weren’t as good as back then anymore now I’m only good at Art and Latin also because these subjects are very fun for me and I like the teachers too. Now I also kind of start feeling lonely since a lot of people ignore me or don’t even notice my presence. Some people out of my class I just talk a bit in lunch break are calling me a friend but at the same time they are doing everything without me. I actually don’t care but it’s a bit annoying because it feels like I’m being mocked when that happens.

[@bradtramel9467]

It was v fun listening to you trace the trajectory of my life from early childhood into late twenties. I was the "gifted" kid and then the "writer." When I got a taste of writing as a career and realized it wasn't for me, that I wasn't going to write a Great Novel, I felt hopeless and paralyzed for years. It took that long for me to ditch complacency and shame and ultimately let myself be bad at something new. It was one of the best lessons I ever learned. I wish I had your videos sooner. I finally embraced failure as a series of necessary hurdles when I taught myself web development during the pandemic, and now I'm a web developer for a major sports org. I'm not living my childhood dream, or my parents' dreams for me, but I feel proud, capable, and content now despite that -- and that's good enough for me.

[@Leivoso]

Oh, this video is the most relatable one I've had in a while, the cognitive empathy thing is something I've sensing a lot because everytime I make social interaction for a long time I feel more and more "tired cognitively" even to the point that my head starts to hurt. This video explained a lot of things I was wondering how they worked and it's relieving seeing that there are explanations for it and its not just a "me" thing

[@lucloya222]

You actually hit the nail right on the head with the “scared to try for fear of failure” part

[@monkeydonk3925]

This is, without question, the best video I've ever watched. There have only ever been two immensely pivotal moments of my life. The first was the first day of therapy to treat an unrelated Anxiety-adjacent disorder. On my first day, not ten minutes in, I said to my therapist, "it feels like a trapdoor on the top of my head has been let open, and all the pressurised air can finally get out." Well, dude. It feels like a trapdoor on the top of my head has been let open. And all the pressurised air can finally get out. Thank you for making this. You've helped a looooot of people come to understand themselves, and why we are the way we are. Thank you. (okay that was a super cheesy comment but my point is important and goddamit ur amazing)

[@CoolUwUer]

I'm currently 12-minutes in the video, and I thought I'd stop and say how difficult this is for me to watch, not because the video itself is bad, but because it describes some aspects of myself perfectly. The "defensive arrogance" segment was exactly what I needed to hear, so many times I've declined opportunities which would have connected me to new people, and given me a greater understanding of the world I live in. However, I keep falling into the same trap no-matter how much I try to change, whenever my mom suggests I take part in an after-school activity (For context, I'm in 8th grade) which requires some sort of competition, I'll immediately shut it down, justifying it with; "It wouldn't be challenging for me." She knows what I'm capable of, and it saddens her each time I decline the opportunity to display my talent publicly, with other "smart" people. The truth is, im terrified of the prospect of struggling, sense I did so for the most part of my childhood, mostly due to my autism. I don't feel like I can be myself at school, I have a few "friends" in each-class, for the soul purpose of not having to go through the embarrassment that is caused by not having anyone to work with during a group-project. Just thought I'd comment sense this video is incredibly relevant to me. Anyways, sorry for the long rant.

[@nth2tell]

Just learn how to fail. If you know what you are capable of then you should also know what you are incapable of. Try to challenge yourself and extend your boundaries.

[@brattingprincess]

Also not trying limits your life in so many ways. I’m 31 and regret that aspect so much.

[@dragonboom88]

This video very quickly escalated into being so very accurate to my life and how I've been struggling. I was on the verge of crying not even halfway through the video (which is saying something since I have a physically hard time ever crying) and so much of this just made me feel heard and helped me realize there's a reason I'm the way I am, and I'm not just really bad at being a person. Thank you so much. I will be sharing this

[@broton1207]

All that you talk about is so incredibly true. I breezed through out early school but as i got to higher grades (10/11) I notice, yeah i can pick up concepts pretty easily but actually learning and the ability to learn seems completely lacking for me, up until 10th grade ive never even studied for a test outsite of the associated period, when i noticed that teachers start to rely on "Heres the concept, now learn it and the other concept too at home" i felt like the stupidest kid on the planet. Thanks Dr. K for kinda opening my eyes to the reasons my akademic and social life started to lack heavily.

[@Chad_Thundercock]

That mage vs healer analogy really logiced me right in the feels. I estimate a 78% probability that I should experience some sort of emotional reaction, although the reaction would be conflicting and thus, must be discarded.

[@killingtime4444]

Error 404 empathy not found 😂

[@AaraBeloved]

I'm sorry you guys also relate but I actually appreciate knowing this is such a shared experience. I always feel enraged by how my life was kinda ruined as a kid because of those I relied on around me, how they impacted my life and all my insecurities and faults that I have to live with and try to fix alone now. It makes me feel a lot more human, and it makes this situation seem a lot more normalised, possible to fix and improve knowing that this is not a sole experience. Im really sorry about you guys, I hope you start realising your true identity and achieve a happiness so true in yourself, that even in a burning world where everything may be crying under a fire, you're still okay.

[@TitusRex]

This is me. I'm really smart and went through school with great scores without ever studying. I didn't even had a notebook most times. Everything was easy. Then I went to university, Physics major, and suddenly I became a average student because I kept not studying while others arround me studied a lot. Like you said, I felt like that if I studied I would be cheating, it's like I was playing a game in hard mode, and start studying would be lowering the difficulty to easy.

[@jack21222]

My life would have gone in a very different direction had I heard this 25 years ago. Things worked out in the end, but it was a rocky road.