Challenges of An Adult Child Of Mentally Ill Parents -Psychotherapy Crash Course

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Were you the parentified child? Did you feel burdened with having to balance things in your home?

[@ladarriusdotsonrepentandpr798]

I definitely did and have to deal with the burden of having to be a parent to my parent. I can see how it's been giving me OCPD

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Perspective is everything. Once you gain the correct one, life truly changes.

[@sharon9270]

Hi Tamara, I was the parentified child in my family. I guess you could say from a very young age I was my mother's carer with way too much responsibility. I took care of my siblings, paid the household bills for my mother, went grocery shopping, housework, all at just aged 10. Thankfully I didn't end up with a personality disorder, anxiety can be managed.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

@@sharon9270 that's amazing! Even though that was a tough experience for a 10yr old, I'm sure it rewarded you with maturity and knowledge no other adult could gain access to.

[@risingeagle6332]

In a violent home with an alcoholic step-father and neglectful mother; I was parentified at a very early age (7 years old). I have know clear memories of a happy childhood and many gaps as to what occurred that was fun and enjoyable. I recall all the trauma. I took care of my siblings for years and I also ended up being overly responsible throughout my youth. My mantra “I did not have a childhood”. Its clear that I struggle with “Dissociative Amnesia”. In my home as a child, I ended up picking up the slack, where my parents lacked. No child should be responsible for parenting their siblings. ****** As an adult I ended up marrying two narcissist (a wife & her enmeshed mother without realizing it). 😩 32 years stuck in a toxic marriage. I was the base; paid dearly for staying in a trauma bond; I was raised to accept psychological abuse. 🥺

[@zz3097]

parentified, difficulty trusting others, PTSD and abandonment issues here. I chose estrangement from my family of origin. I also made myself invisible to the world, which is why I only have initials here. I have been on the healing journey for years and I'm going to keep doing all the work I need to do to know so that I don't have to hide anymore. Please continue to post these videos, they are helpful. I'm midlife and sometimes feel this wound/void will never heal or be filled. I don't want this to be my identity.

[@candycoatedreams]

This is one of the reasons why I refuse to have children. I have been dealing with mental illness since I was a child and I would never want to bring a child into this or even worse, pass it on 😔

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I can't blame you. This may be a very wise decision a lot of people may consider thinking about.

[@bellakrinkle9381]

Bravo, Candy! I made the same decision, yet remember you are not mentally ill, but your parents probably are!

[@periocareandimplantology3965]

My mother is a schizophrenic.. initially I dint understand her behaviour.. she completely ignored me and my studies .. I literally started hating her and didn’t speak with her like a child usually does .. over the period of time I understood her issue … we took her to hospitals n started medicine… but she refused to take the treatment… when we tell her something she takes it in a negative way .. gets angry on me for everything.. she even says that she hates me … she doesn’t eat properly also doesn’t cook sometimes… I try my best to talk to her be with her spend time with her … but somehow she yells at me for anything I do .. she talks about how she n my father didn’t hv a happy marriage .. she keeps telling me about their old fights everyday .. it’s very traumatic for me … I try to be calm but somehow I feel she provoked me ..sometime I lose my temper n shout at her .. she screams at me back n it creates a huge mess .. in the end I just leave the house n go … she speaks very rude to me , gets angry on things I do without any reason … talks about her failed marriage … all this stresses me out , I feel depressed and I donno what to do or how to handle all of this

[@monicagreen7830]

thank you so much for this video. it's taken me years of therapy (and i'm not done yet lol) to understand some of this. it's been so hard to balance empathy for my parent and validation of my feelings about the way i was treated. great video.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome Monica. I completely understand how difficult this can be. It's like the term and concept cognitive dissonance. You're trying to preserve and maintain a certain view while trying to understand another. In this process you can't make sense out of the real view and the view you've always had. It's too much to do. I truly believe the brain struggles to make sense out of two competing views (for example, the view of a parent who should be good and the realistic view that the parent may be damaged). It does take time to figure out.

[@ericablaschke3497]

Yes I would like to see more. My mother had mental illness. She did seek some treatment and was hospitalized for a month. As a teen my mom was angry with me, yelling, screaming. She was invalidating and emotionally unavailable, highly critical, scapegoated, emotionally immature. Her feelings came first, she played the victim, while she fixated on me most of my life. Trying to find something wrong with me and put the pressure on me, Growing up I felt there was something wrong with me I was bad. I had surgery, enlarged adenoids, tubes in my ears, speech problems, language delays, learning disability, motor skill problems. She maximized these problems and dissected them bringing me to every doctor, being constantly evaluated and critiqued and analyzed it made me feel horrible. I now know she needed to put the focus on me rather then on herself. As I got older she continued with these contracts and I developed depression and anger towards her and started distributing my own mental health issues. I became the focus of the family problems. My anger and behavioral problems were seen as the issue rather then the family dysfunction and my my mothers mental illness. I was portrayed as the problem I was sick, crazy, angry, needing help. While my mother mental illness was minimized. The professionals believed her. She was seen as the good parent getting me the help I needed. But no one saw the emotional neglect or heard her yelling and screaming at me or saw her critical parenting style. They only saw a teen who never had anger problems before suddenly develop these problems and behavioral problems. My mother attachment style is dismissive avoidant . My mother came from an alcoholic home with a mother who had her own traumatic childhood. Oh how I wished professionals in the 90’s understood trauma. My mother was also a social worker for the public defenders office. So the problem had to lie with me, not my mother mental illness trauma and attachment style. How naïve. My DCF records state that I was the problem

[@missiblyu7360]

Thank you so much for making a video for adults! It seems like most of the content on youtube about mentally ill parents is regarding children.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome! Absolutely, I agree.

[@GypsyJulie]

Yes, more on this topic! It has been very validating. I am struggling with the good/bad view of them. Let's say they are being kind, yet it is love bombing to draw you back in...then the kindness was a manipulation. If I finally confirm to myself, they are bad, then am I in black in white thinking. I really want to close this chapter in my life but so confused on how to do it in a healthy way. I am the eldest child and was parentified somewhat. I was blamed if the younger children didn't behave, then yelled at if I tried to keep the younger ones quite. Also, it makes me so sad that my younger sisters appear to have personality disorders. Kind of feels like survivors guilt, though I myself didn't fair well either, but I did have insight at the time that we were growing up being abused. My sisters don't feel we were, Mom was just....Dad was just.... I have learned when a person says "He's just.." that they are in denial. Sorry for being so long winded! Thank you for all the information you provide Dr Hill!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I am glad you're finding value in these videos!! That's exactly what I'm hoping to do... provide value on the channel moving forward. I am also really sorry to hear that this is something that you have had to grapple with. I think survivors guilt is definitely something that can be experienced if you grew up with siblings and they were left behind and seem to be blind to what's going on. I will be talking about sociopathic females coming up on Monday and then on Wednesday, I'm going to be offering tools on how to deal with unhealthy parents. Perhaps some questions will be answered for you in those videos

[@GypsyJulie]

@@TherapistTamaraHill Thanks! I opened up pandora's box when I discovered personality disorders. Lots of confusion was cleared up...but, know I want to put a lid on that box and move forward.

[@bellakrinkle9381]

My psychiatrist encouraged me to leave and stay away. I just couldn't because I loved my parents too much. I needed to understand the cause of my dysfunctional family, but it's taken literally a life time. All my siblings scapegoated me later in life, after I went No Contact. I accept who they are and can only live with sadness for them. Yet, I must live my life and be as happy as possible. Those family decisions are very difficult. Please no not abandon yourself - YOUR life choices.

[@truth4utoda]

Hi Tamara, You are doing a great job and thank you for this review. I NEVER knew my dad was mentally I'll until after the damage to me and my sister was done. If I had a video like this I may have been able to avoid the years of turmoil. Side note: I saw Isabelly's comment and wanted to say I would COMPLETELY ignore that rude comment in the last video. I truly hope they are not envious of your new status on KZbin. They were supportive up until yesterday. Wtheck?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you truth4utoda. Appreciate your support.

[@chubbyhippy]

Thank you for saying having that type of upbringing can cause those traits, behaviors or thoughts instead of saying we have BPD due to our upbringing. I asked my therapist almost every visit the first year seeing her if she was sure I just had generalized anxiety disorder instead of narcissism or bpd. I'm realizing through your videos, other videos, a support group and therapy that I have learned behaviors mixed with trauma responses. Thank you for your videos.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome! The truth is liberating for sure. This is good for you!

[@jitkadonnelly7844]

Yep, C-PTSD, OCD, psychosexual trauma, BPD, and now a newly developed eating disorder from lifelong abuse and neglect. Mum had episode after episode of violent paranoid psychosis but I was always forced to live with her again after hospitalization even if I witnessed her threatening to kill herself, trying to kill my dad or accusing family & friends of sexually abusing me. I am pretty certain BPD runs in my family, as well as there being general intergenerational dysfunction as I am the 3rd adult child in family to be estranged from her parents. (Out of two sets of grandparents, two aunts and my parents.) Being an only child who was geographically & socially isolated as well most definitely contributed to me developing pretty advanced dissociative fragmentation of personality in order to survive.

[@DrLauraRPalmer]

You are so good. So accurate. And I really love the pace of your voice. I tend to have to speed most speakers up to 1.25 or 1.5 speed but you go at such a great speed I never have to touch a thing...just click listen and go. You are a very clear, concise and comprehensive speaker with a really wonderful tone, a warm appearance. And I must say, I just lovr your hair🙂 You're knowledge, presentation and message are all so very well put together. I find you very easy to receive. And thus far, I've enjoyed every video greatly. I detect this is absolutely your calling! Thank you so much dear! ~

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

🥰💖 Thank you so much! This is such a humbling and beautiful comment. Blessed my heart today. Thank you!

[@DrLauraRPalmer]

@@TherapistTamaraHill you are so welcome! I mean every word and I truly thank you!! It's helping me so much to accept and stop trying to just be beyond it all. Accepting it but letting myself grieve a bit is vital. I know this but it's hard to let my emotional wall down. Ice told myself to be strong for so long I think I'm kinda numb. Learning to accept that I don't have to be strong every day and that my shame and guilt from walking away from them all is something I do need to deal with. And that guilt from living my life and finding peace without my family could be pain I'm masking as something else hiding behind strength. Ugh...I'll figure it out with the help of you're so very helpful perspective. This niche topic is so impactful. Especially the tsauma of those who broke free. It's confusing to feel joy freedom guilt and shame at the same time. This living your adulthood without parents interested in parenting but who are alive and thriving is not a particular topic talked about as much. I hope you continue to touch base with the abandoned adult. Though many of us are happy due to not having toxic parents to deal with, there's so much pain you don't know how to reason with or where to place it...so many of us out here trying to enjoy our peace without shame and guilt. Thanks again!! 🙏

[@zellwangon4379]

This is a year old but it is beneficial right now. A lot of clarifications. Thanks

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome and Thank you!!

[@realDanSilver]

Thank you, this is a fascinating topic. Keep'em coming 😉

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you! Will do! :)

[@bellakrinkle9381]

Tamara, I have a question that I'm attempting to understand - you may be the one to help me figure it out because of your long history in practice and your brightness and intuitive talent. Here goes....can a Delusional person reverse this phenonoma? Here's my story in a nutshell. I was in therapy several YEARS before my therapist finally felt that he needed to clue me in that my parents emotionally neglected me. Let that sink in! I heard him, yet I simply did not understand what he was saying...and no, I'm not stupid. It just did not register. If I had been in a different type of therapy the psychiatrist would have given me books to read and get me educated for useful dialogue! And, no, he NEVER prescribed drugs - the way they all do now...mostly. I finally stopped treatment with him. Now, jump ahead 30 years when I got trapped by a NPD professional, degreed somebody. Eventually I figured out that this man was a Narcissist. This is when and how I began to understand how this happened to me--getting caught up in his LOVE BOMB, etc. (Fortunately there was no sex - he knew I could nail him if there had been!. I used the skills I learned in those many years of psychodynamic psychotherapy to dig deep into my past. I survived the Narcissit's attack and as I recovered, I began to see the emotional abuse from my parents.It's truly been a heroic experience on my part because it's taken a zillion years using dream analysis and horrific persistence. But now I'm emotionally free after an Emotional Breakdown and CPTSD. I'm convinced that my poor Mother and oldest sister were both Delusional. Do you know of any studies that verify that Delusional people can dissolve their Delusion? Hard to verify and prove, I understand. Any thoughts my Skilled Friend?

[@Tamrellthebeautiful]

Extremely helpful information. Thank you.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Glad it was helpful! Thanks for watching.

[@ladyofjazz448]

My mom is mentally ill and it has impacted me so negatively. I care for her fulltime and it is not easy. Sometimes I resent that I was ever her kid.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm so sorry. Yes, so many adults in your position (some children and teens) struggle for many years. It isn't uncommon and thank God it isn't something you can't rebound from. I hope you have your own supports in place. It's difficult caring for a parent. I welcome you to some of my live chats, if you haven't participated already. They are Fridays and Saturdays 6:30pm est and I often discuss these matters. The community is wonderful.

[@DeepDivingDiva333]

Thank you so much, I’m so glad I found your channel. 🙏🏼

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome. Welcome to the channel!! And thank you!

[@Bee-dg5sk]

Thank you for your video and channel! I hope to see more because there dont seem to be many videos on youtube on how the child can deal with the mentally I'll parents.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome! I agree. I'll be focusing on this again next month. Stay tuned.

[@Bee-dg5sk]

@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you so much😁 this is tremendous help! I go to therapy but I still cant help but feel at a loss when it comes to dealing with my parents effectively, which is why I'm looking for other resources.

[@black-wingedangel6082]

Thank you for all your work and how share it. Please do a video with guidance for how to identify a skilled therapist for Complex PTSD. I appreciate everything you fit into a video and I recognize the necessity of time restraints. I will confess the energy is uncomfortable for me. I'm sharing this because I hope it may be helpful. Somewhere between presenting after drinking a couple of Red Bulls and mellow mushroom may be a nice place. ;)

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I will definitely consider doing this in April. April is the month I will be talking about intergenerational trauma.

[@mimm4332]

thank you for your content

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

My pleasure! And thank you!

[@aresedgar]

Thank you so much for your work

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome and thank you!

[@suchetaghose1]

wow Thank you so much - this explained so much about me. I have taken therapy for a long time and doing way better, but it defines the OCD part thank you

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome! I'm glad this was helpful!

[@masonguritz6758]

This explains a lot… thank you

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're very welcome!

[@truthteller1973]

My mother she did not raise us her parents did. She still was abusive if she is around always severe chaos. She was the oldest girl of ten children she raised make sense.Thank you 🙏

[@sheebitz]

Thank you so much for your videos. My adoptive mom and biological mom are both bipolar and it helps to better understand and know why it is I experience these things

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Absolutely! You're welcome. Knowledge is often part of healing.

[@kellycushing2904]

Wow! Thank you! You really explained a lot regarding my mentally ill mother. I'm 40 and I have spent my whole life trying to have a healthy relationship with her and she refuses to connect with me. She also refuses treatment. What puzzles me is she has a master's degree and held a government job for 20 years that gave her a good pension. Can mentally ill people hold steady jobs and be educated as well?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thanks Kelly. It sounds like a stigma that you are referring to. That's a sad reality that a lot of people still hold stigmatized and skewed views of people with mental illness. Yes, they can certain do well in society if they are treated correctly, stay on medication, see their doctor and therapist, and learn ways to cope. Not everyone with a mental health concern, as I'm sure you know, has a moderate to severe diagnosis where they cannot function in society. Most people are simply depressed and anxious but life goes on. Others get lost in a world of false beliefs, hallucinations, rigid behaviors, and isolation. These are the people who cannot work and function in daily life.

[@kellycushing2904]

@@TherapistTamaraHill Hi Tamara, my mother has no official diagnosis of mental illness and she is not on medication. She did abandon her 3 children and is abusive. I'm exhausted trying to continue to have a relationship with her.

[@BlackMagickMike]

Thank you, Tamara!

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome! Thanks for watching. Long time no see!

[@elliejfox6619]

Learning how as a family how to repair damage done , tips would be good

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Great topic! I will be discussing this next Wednesday so stay tuned.

[@Cleaningfairy1970]

You've explained my life entirely. Now at 53 my mother is affecting my livelihood.

[@maryc.2360]

I just found you and really learning some things from your videos so THANK YOU! I have been diagnosed with Generalized anxiety disorder, depression and ADD. I grew up with adopted parents. My mother was a Severe alcoholic who was emotionally and physically abusive. I have done well for myself considering My circumstances growing up. I have been to psychologist psychiatrist and counselors because my anxiety gets so bad. I never really feel like whoever I go talk to focuses on my childhood which I feel like I need to because that’s where it all stems from. Who is the best professional for me to see and talk about this? Is it a counselor or is it a psychologist? I’ve seen so many different people but nobody really seems to help the situation. I would greatly appreciate any input you could give me

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Thank you! And you're welcome. Very glad this was helpful. I am sorry to hear about this. While this is a difficult scenario to live through, it isn't impossible which means there is hope. I would also reach out to a trauma psychotherapist who understands family dynamics including parent-child conflicts. An experienced trauma therapist would be able to identify the issues, understand their impact, and then assist you in healing/moving forward. I would also do some research into post traumatic growth. I have a few videos on my channel about this too. Take good care

[@maryc.2360]

@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you so much, you are very kind. I will do some research and find someone in the field you recommended.. I will also gladly watch more of your videos . Thank you

[@KayAhern]

So tell me something I don’t know, my mums crazy npd my dads her possession and an alcoholic in denial and I’m an adult child having to pretend I’m well not just to look after them in there old age but I can’t afford someone to tell me I have c-ptsd I know I have it. There’s no end to this hell

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I'm o sorry. That's never easy to handle. No child deserves this reality.

[@sugarmommasweetsandtreats9532]

I am living through the same thing ATM 💔 I know how you feel

[@carole3708]

Good vid. I'm a new sub.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

Welcome! Glad to have you on the channel and thank you.

[@risingeagle6332]

My wife destroyed our marriage as a result of her inability to recognize her personality disorder and mental illness. She triangulated and manipulated our children to see me (the healthier parent) aa the one who was mentally ill all the time. I recognized my condition and the family I grew up in as a child (ACOA who was violent and with a neglectful mother.) My wife refused to recognize he r narcissism and the psychological (etc.) abuse that she experienced in her youth with her mother and family. I married her and found myself in a toxic familial nightmare for 32 years. Her and her mother were clearly histrionic types with over 30 other family members equally as toxic. It was like I was a chicken caught in a den of foxes. I thought my childhood was bad, until I married two narcissists (wife and her mother). They made my childhood experience look benign, yet I knew it was not. My wife clearly struggled with PD and a mental illness that therapist and counselors failed to see or recognize in her for some reason; I got treated, but ended up with sever depression and CPTSD when my wife left me in 2018. Being around my wife helped me to face my mental issues. Turns out that I was a resilient person. I ended up being Codependent and a conflict avoidant type personality; keeping me stuck in a relationship for years. In 2018; I lost everything relationally and financially as a result of my wife and her smear campaign, gaslighting, triangulation and manipulations of everyone. This sucked for me, since I was clearly above the veil. 😳

[@TheressaV]

I need help on how to manage my life. How does someone overcome this cause sometimes I feel like I can’t

[@JohnMHill-oi6rb]

I have BPD, and regret what some of my outbursts created, what can I do to correct/apologise to Miss Annette Marie Hill? John M. Hill

[@BlackMagickMike]

t=10:46

[@JohnMHill-oi6rb]

I am 84, and with few friends. Relatives ignore me, etc. Have outbursts , uusually uncontrolled. Probably schizophrenia. Any suggestions? John M. Hill.

[@JohnMHill-oi6rb]

I would really like to contact her to apologize to her. John M. Hill

[@damienpeters1499]

I've gain BPD do to their illness thank God I didn't have kids I've finally caught my head.

[@tracibrown9849]

Wow, basically my life in a nutshell. 😅

[@Luxlookgood]

My son has mental health and is homeless wants to come home. He can be violent and don’t want to take meds I’m afraid to let him come home but don’t want him on the street. What is your advice.

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

I suggest reaching out to a psychotherapist to give you skills on how to manage him and your reactions to him. You are most likely going to need additional support. Take care

[@truth4utoda]

What do you do if the parent is delusional?

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

This is a fantastic question because delusions cause the adult child to have to take a different perspective. Delusions are false beliefs held to be true despite evidence to the contrary. It's like a very strong conviction that one cannot reject. If a parent has delusions you are likely to have experienced some bizarre things over the years and may have heard some difficult belief systems of that parent. The parent most likely doesn't believe anything is wrong and doesn't have insight into their own needs, nothing can be done. As a result, the adult child is unable to get the parent help and will have to decide if living life with them is even worth the pain. Delusions truly does change the outcome of this situation for both the parent and the adult child.

[@sarahglover2548]

Thank you

[@TherapistTamaraHill]

You're welcome