Challenging Stigma. PTSD is NOT a Mental Illness. What is it and What has it taught me?

Follow the series here: • The mission to release...
/ thehometrekproject
I'm a 53 year old middle aged man with complex post traumatic stress disorder and I live roadside in a 3.5t luton bodied truck with my awesome jackahuahua, Alf.
I've played guitar since I was a teenager and the ability to bash out three chords and the truth has been a lifesaver for me. I don't consider it melodrama to say I wouldn't be typing this without it. I've written and recorded some songs that I really believe in and they mean an awful lot to me. I think they're good songs and contain some powerful messages and the World needs more of them right now for sure!
So I'm on a 3 month mission to get these songs produced, marketed and released as an EP! Including producing promo videos and possibly a wee bit of merchandise.
The songs are there and are currently being mixed by my good friend, The Abominable Phenomenon. He's an amazing musician and producer and you can hear his work here:
/ the-abominable-phenomenon
Releasing this EP is part of a long term vision/idea/plan. My PTSD symptoms have been getting worse for about a year (coinciding with discovering I am probably on the autistic spectrum) and I need to try and take some power back. I need something to devote myself to that will help keep me from sinking into the void of anxiety and pain that CPTSD is. This EP project is just that. It's me trying to focus, to help myself so that I can get back into a position where I can help others.
And that is where the Hometrek Project comes in. I've been giving guitar rigs away to young people who need a bit of a hand and bodies that help them for a few years now. I've seen just how much good having something like a guitar in your life can do. And why stop at guitars? I've had the vision of formalising these giveaways into something solid. Something that can receive funding and donations so that it can provide more instruments to more people, young and old. A CIC or a charity? I'd like to expand the idea too. Maybe someone is a natural rhymer or poet and they just need a mic, a recorder and a beatbox ? Maybe someone else is drawn to digital media but can't get a decent graphics setup?
I'd like the project to run workshops. To actively look for those young people who may not yet even know what their expressive calling is and help them find a way of expression that does it for them.
Living roadside I'm reasonably aware of the challenges faced by the traveller community. Those from the traditional traveller community face way more than me as prejudice and isolation are sadly still rife in 2024. I'd like to reach out to the traveller community through the project and see if there's any way I can help.
It's a big vision. A big mission. And I can't do it alone. I'm already receiving vital and valued help and advice but am going to need so much more when it comes to making the promo videos for the songs and stuff. I have some ideas involving lots of people getting together, yelling and hugging, soapboxes and megaphones...
This chapter of the series is slightly different. it's me doing a talking head on the subject of PTSD. Despite the mainstream idea that it's a mental illness. it isn't, PTSD is a human condition. it affects mind body and soul equally and ravages all three. To call it a mental illness is only seeing a fraction of the picture.
Everyone experiences trauma and if we know it or not, it shapes us. Our reactions to it and need to not experience it again can build on top of eachother. Without ever experiencing a full on PTSD inducing event or events, we can build up thought, feeling and behaviour patterns that affect the way we live. The way we interact with the World. it's all a matter of scale. A spectrum with full blown PTSD type conditions at one end. PTSD showed me that this is very common and many of us are living our lives in ways shaped by traumatic experience. Often it gets passed around unwittingly, down the generations even. It's something we need to be more conscious of and something we need to understand more. We all affect eachother and that understanding will help us in our personal and social relationships.
If you've got so far as reading to here then thanks! Your thoughts and advice would also be welcomed with open arms. If you can help in any other way that would be amazing too!
#nomad #musician #ptsd

[@petethedoodler]

Great video Dude. And well explained. My CPTSD keeps me in a state of suicidal thoughts. Being creative allows me to be in a positive state just enough to keep the thoughts turning to actions. It has not always been that way. I have had to fight so hard to be here. To help me get through each day, I care for a man who has three conditions that make realise that someone is struggling with life and being human worse that I am. He used to be a vicar and was diagnosed at 58. He has spent his life supporting others. He still believes in God and does not blame him/it. That is faith. He is teaching me a lot. I hope that makes sense. Creativity is a great tool to stay positive and cope with the world. But it is very isolating and can be quite selfish. Looking after others, as part of your daily process, really helps. thanks for putting yourself out there to connect and help others. Keep up the awesome work and being honest. Peace✌Love❤Doodles✏

[@Lutonbodyhome]

Thanks for being so open about how life is going for you. I'm incredibly glad that you've managed to keep those thoughts as thoughts 🙏 I hear you on how creative things can lead to more isolation and separation. I can get massively obsessive if I'm into say a music project or restoring something. At the height of my first wave of PTSD I even threw a dearly loved mate off a job...basically because he wasn't obsessed enough about the creation...yeah, something I have to be mindful of. Creativity can become problematic shall I say. A wonderful friend and ally but can also be a bit of an insular demon. There's a place for that of course and amazing things can come from it but yeah....best for a human to be outward facing at least some of the time isn't it. To interact and both give and receive support, love and affection is arguably what a human is designed to do. We are at least a semi social animal. It's wonderful that the person you help still has his faith, despite what sounds like going through very trying times. None of us can see the full picture can we, who knows what we would see if we could. I'm sure a lot of our view of things would change if we could. Things that seem bad may actually be part of something amazing. Considering we have a multiverse to enhoyz they probably are :D Not always easy to consider that though is it. I know I've spent long periods unable to. Making progress slowly though.

[@Othique]

I was diagnosed with CPTSD a few years back from childhood neglect and abuse. My flashbacks aren't as visual, they're emotional flashbacks which I think are more confusing because you have no idea why you're feeling what you're feeling. It doesn't make sense in the moment... the constant thought of why am I so scared? often accompanied by "what did I do wrong?", "what's wrong with me?", "why am I so awful?"while also thinking you deserve it all for some unknown reason. Whatever it was you deserved it and you deserve to feel this way. Since being diagnosed I've realized that a lot of my "likes" and "dislikes" were shaped around what I believed would get me in my mother's good graces the most. I had NO idea who I was underneath all the scars. I'm still sorting it out, and there's so much to sort that I'm not sure I'll get through it all. I've also had these thought about being part of this cruel "god". Part of this humanity that continues to inflict the worst horrors imaginable on everything they can get their hands on. Created this awful society and dictated its disgusting rules on what is deserving of love or hate, deserving of bliss or deserving of suffering, deserving to thrive or deserving to die. It's a beautiful, cruel, planet and I often think we're the biggest stain on it. My grandfather died this morning. He was an abusive alcoholic that traumatized my mother who in turn traumatized me. You're right... PTSD isn't a mental illness, it's bigger than that. It shapes our world and even our DNA like they're discovering through epigenetics. Our traumas are shaping us as a species... And despite how awful we still are, it does seem like we might have made sort of progress over the last few hundred years? We (at least those of us with English ancestry) have progressed from the witch hunting murderers with unfathomable torture devices of the medieval eras to most of us being appalled at the heartless destruction our government puts on the poorest people and often the youngest and most defenseless. Seems like rich people and the politicians they buy off could definitely use a lot more trauma. They're too used to causing it and not enough used to experiencing it.

[@Lutonbodyhome]

That's a very powerful post and thank you for taking the time to write it 🙏 My heart goes out to you with what you've been through and I'm incredibly glad that you have a framework of understanding that at least gives you some reference points when the surf is up. This is invaluable in my experience too. I used to think PTSD and CPTSD were basically the same thing but learned that whilst being very close family they have distinct differences. I haven't had a CPTSD diagnosis but the effort I put into gaining understanding of PTSD showed me very clearly that I also exhibit classic symptoms of CPTSD, I'm another that experienced pretty full on trauma at a delicate age. Facing PTSD showed me just how many layers of self defence I'd built into what I thought was me. And there seems to always be more to realise. At the moment I'm learning about the interplay of CPTSD and autism, which I'm on the path to assessment for. Again, another spectrum. I reckon you'd agree with me that you don't have to be symptomatic or have a label or three to have your life and your enjoyment and fulfilment of it shaped by trauma. We are all on that spectrum somewhere. And we're not encouraged to talk about it. It sits out of sight mostly. I'm hoping that the more light we can bring in the less pull the darkness will have over us. Thanks again for making such an eloquent and insightful post ❤️🙏

[@Othique]

@@Lutonbodyhome Interesting thing about autism - if you are on the spectrum you're much much more likely to have C/PTSD, I think I heard that it's around ten times more likely. Same with ADHD, apparently too. Also, they have a lot of overlapping symptoms... to the point that some people theorize that ADHD might come from childhood trauma although others argue there are some distinct differences. I have all of the above and it's been confusing trying to figure out what comes from what. I want you to know this so you don't gaslight yourself like I did - if you think they all fit, then the chances you have them all are highly likely. Labels are definitely not necessary, but getting one sure does help you navigate it and untie the knots it binds you up in. Makes you more aware of the subtleties that get lost in the chaos. Once you have a label and some research to go with it, it leads to a lot of epiphanies, that's for sure. Here's to wishing for your continued growth and evolution. 💗 We're all in this together. Some of us just realize it faster than others... and some never at all.

[@Lutonbodyhome]

Thank you again ❤️🙏 I have recently started looking into the relationship between CPTSD and autism. I found it incredible to find there's a whole body of thought that places no distinction between them. There are many things we are doing as a species today that seem like backwards steps but in areas like this I think we are making progress. Probably out of necessity because modern life seems to create the perfect conditions for 'disorders'. I agree about the labels, not necessary at all but being able to say to myself, ah that's PTSD in me and that bit is more CPTSD is indeed helpful. Our minds crave order and structure it seems and those labels can offer us some of that. However the flip side of the labels is that the inner critic can latch on to them and try to whip you with them and there is still some societal stigma. The inner critic we can help by making friends and accepting it's a part of us trying to do it's job. The more conversations like this one that are had in public, hopefully the less of a stigma society will have too. Because society will realise that trauma is everywhere and everyone is shaped by it to some degree.

[@amberv4223]

Hugs. I have it too.

[@Lutonbodyhome]

And hugs to you too. I hope that you are finding a way through ❤️🤞

[@kaoutar6921]

Your kitchen is so calming

[@Lutonbodyhome]

Thanks, it is a very nice place to be. Green does It for me! It will change somewhen because I don't have an oven at the moment. The oven will go where the sink is and the sink will go where the hob is. Then it will be more practical for me as well.

[@tyllrt]

You are an inspiration to me thank you for putting yourself out there and sharing. Your music and your daughters art touched my soul. very well done friend!

[@Lutonbodyhome]

Thank you so much, it was a tough video to do obviously, there are some more of those to come I think....but I'm incredibly glad that you got something from it. I know that we really do need to encourage a much more open way of being with each other. We all love, want to love and be loved. Unfortunately heartbreak, pain and other traumatic experience can lead us to building barriers between us and the lived experience of loving life and all that creation offers us. As a result we are easily herded by psychopaths who pit one bunch of us against another for their own ends. Don't get me started on that :D That's more for the don't need a saviour and Run away songs on the EP ;)

[@rincandrepeat.999]

Thanks very much for sharing the positive vibes, and honest information. We are in this together:3

[@Lutonbodyhome]

Thank you, it's lovely to get your positive feedback. Big hug! ❤️🙏

[@montereyspike]

Thank you so much, for sharing so openly, and for reminding me that I'm not the only one struggling - ONWARD - with these kinds of things. I am so able to relate to your share and to some of what I've seen in the comments section too. Am looking forward to your future endeavors. Best wishes to you and yours.

[@Lutonbodyhome]

Thank you ❤️🙏 the further down the spectrum of trauma related experience the more isolated you get it seems. I know at times I have felt and do feel like there is no-one who could relate to where I am. Remembering that there are in fact lots and lots of us who know exactly what it feels like can provide great solace. We may be isolated but we are isolated together. And ultimately that isolation is an illusion. We are NEVER on our own, it just feels like it. And boy does it feel like it. We are all a vital part of creation and even when we feel totally worthless we are helping creation do what has to be done in ways we will probably never understand. Even on our darkest days the world is a much better place for us being in it ❤️🙏

[@montereyspike]

@@Lutonbodyhome Thank you. I agree. By the way, I lived/survived/healed in a restored 1955 Benroy teardrop trailer. My dog and I lived in that tiny 8 foot long camper for almost a decade. My current pup and I have been indoors in an apartment for just over four years now, but lately the road has been calling me back. If I didn't have to deal with the police hassles of living in a box truck, I'd probably rather be doing that. I've been wanting to buy a tiny box truck (small enough to still fix in a normal parking spot, so like a 10 foot box) for a while now. As long as I can stand up, I'll be fine. That's the only thing that sometimes was not great about the teardrop, not being able to stand up. Anyhow, thanks again for getting back to me, and for reminding me that, as much as it feels as if we are alone in our struggles, there are many people who share similar challenges. Have a great day.

[@cody3504]

I literally had a panic attack yesterday reliving traumatic parts of my life. Im pretty sure i have CPTSD it’s like PTSD on steroids. Im not diagnosed yet but i literally was reliving those menories for hours and had to let my psychologist through the VA know about it and got an appointment set up. Crazy you made this video right when i needed it. Thank you for your service 🫡🇺🇸

[@Lutonbodyhome]

My heart and thoughts are with you, any time you want to, drop a message in here and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. I'd love for the comments section to give us all a space to vent or whatever we need to do on the day and get some feedback. Feeling totally isolated is a big part of all this isn't it. I'm very glad that you got some solace from watching, I'm sure you can appreciate being this open isn't an easy thing for me to do. But I think it's exactly what we need to do. I took have CPTSD, it's a very close bedfellow to PTSD but has differences doesn't it. Apparently most folks that develop full PTSD symptoms do so because the event(s) lands on top of previous trauma and kind of unlocks it. I don't know about that side of things too much beyond my own experience but it resonates with me. Hang in there my friend, we got through yesterday, we can get through today and I reckon we can make our tomorrow's a bit better. Love you

[@cody3504]

@@Lutonbodyhome I appreciate you brother and I love you as well. Just one foot after the other. I know we can do this!

[@Lutonbodyhome]

We will bro, we will. We are! Every day ❤️🙏

[@richwatts]

Great video, I love the EP cover. Good to see you are setting things up and I hope it all goes well.

[@Lutonbodyhome]

Thanks, yeah slowly the pieces are getting put into place, that cover is perfect isn't it 🙏

[@redroselace9545]

Just clicked for that cosy dreamy kitchen

[@Lutonbodyhome]

Lol 😎👍

[@iahelcathartesaura3887]

GLAD TO FIND YOU & YOUR CHANNEL! You're describing me and some of my loved ones. You & your story greatly resemble me. And the body gets so used to the stress hormones and everything in us is saying if you relax you will be in danger and you will or could be killed! We're holding up keeping our stress level going because it on some level makes us feel safe like we're strong and can fight or stand tough. It has taken me decades to work through that, even a bit. Yes a mind to calculate the probabilities etc. I have that kind of mind too. LOVE TO YOU TOO, MAN! Yeah trauma puts us in a bad existential place and separates us from any connection with Creator and soul and connection

[@Lutonbodyhome]

It's strange isn't it that we all experience different lives, different traumas and yet there is so much commonality with the way we react in order to survive and get by. We recognise these things in each other and in ourselves. Being open with each other in this way and sharing these things really does help show us that we aren't alone, that we aren't some isolated freak of nature and that we are in fact experiencing something that many others do and which actually seems to be written into the human 'operating system'. So many of us describe similar things... I'm really glad you reached out and commented, I'm sorry you recognise stuff that I said but it makes me feel better that you do if you get what I mean. Great to virtually meet you and my heart is with you and your loved ones ❤️🙏

[@bernicegoldham1509]

The topic is extremely relevant to me at the moment.... But this box truck cottage is a sister vision to what Ive had in my mind's eye for years and have been trying to talk myself out of for the last few months. Fk cold feet. Thank you. 🖖

[@Lutonbodyhome]

Are you on the nomads and travellers group on FB? There are lots of folks saying a very similar thing to you in there. It's a great place to meet folks who are either already out here or wanting to be and thinking about it. There's no way I could go back into settled life. Not because of the conditions, just because I love nomadic life. I can't put into words why.

[@Rebecca0010]

Right on, about your goals and intentions. I also live with this condition, am wondering how to go forward and be good to myself in my career, and also believe I’m somewhere undiagnosed on the spectrum (at 40). Good luck to you!

[@Lutonbodyhome]

Thank you, that you are thinking on those lines is a very good thing innit. I don't know about you but I've lost count of how many times I heard, 'you're your own worst enemy'. I've been very self destructive at times. Trying to stay on a path of being good to ourselves is massive in my view. I may not always be able to do it but I want to and that's the main thing. I'm very glad you have your best interest at the forefront of your thinking. Good luck to you too :)

[@bearwynn]

always good to see another video :)

[@Lutonbodyhome]

Thank you 🙏❤️

[@bearwynn]

if you feel like this project is a bit much for you in 3 months, remember that it doesn't carry with it the weight of the world! anything you can do will be better than nothing done :)

[@Lutonbodyhome]

Thanks, yeah I'm mindful that pressuring myself with a deadline may be too much so for now am just going with July 1st as a 'motivator', something to give me focus you know. The weight of the world is an interesting one isn't it, I do feel it. Maybe part of the condition or maybe summat else but it's there. I think most of us are horrified at some of the things that are happening in the World and I reckon we'd all change them if we could and the inner and outer are the same thing right ;)

[@fightswithspirits915]

Stay strong, my friend. We have something in common. I’m converting a camper trailer into a Cosmic Hookah Lounge. Decor is similar to yours. It brings comfort but heals nothing. As someone recently diagnosed with BPD, who has shouted and cursed my Protective Forces, still not understanding why things are as they are. I ignored trauma as a young adult. Mocked others who were experiencing it with me, but who were consumed by it. Decades later, it seems all of the stress that built up is now being released. It’s unbearable. To the extent your plight brings me to tearful sobbing. Now…. I mock myself. Still understand nothing.

[@Lutonbodyhome]

Thank you, for your kind words of support and also for sharing. I think burying or ignoring childhood trauma is very common. Adult trauma too. You are very much not alone in that and the process you describe of the stress coming out sounds like very much like my own. I picked up a maxim from a yt chap called the Spartan life coach which helps me. There is no way out but through. It seems stark at first but it's the truth and once we really accept that we will have to go through this process of locked in trauma releasing, I won't say it gets easier but it helps. That you sob when you hear of others' pain is a wonderful thing. It shows you have empathy, it shows you care, are capable of love, are a feeling person, that you are allowing yourself to experience these emotions. I understand that mockers lives inside of us. They always seem to try and knock us back but never forget that experiencing what you are is a vital part of your path and only the mocker would mock it. I've found that making friends with the mocker/inner critic has been very helpful. Initially I saw them as an inner enemy, berating me all the time. As I made friends with the mocker I realised it just a part of me trying to do it's job and protect me, albeit in a messed up way! Making friends with the inner critic has helped it be a bit quieter, I think it trusts me a bit more now to make reasonable decisions. Your sobs prove your humanity and that is something you can build on. Your path is opening up for you, it's a hard one that's for sure but it's a worthy one and I'm proud of you for what you've already done and are doing. Keep at it! Love you x

[@fightswithspirits915]

@@Lutonbodyhome not at a point to receive positive affirmations. You are light years beyond. Thanks for the reply.

[@Lutonbodyhome]

Everything in its place and time my friend 🫂