Changing the way we bring up our boys | Jen Brister | TEDxBrighton

Challenging the cultural and gender norms we teach our children.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@JackDevaney]

I grew up in Brighton to very liberal parents. My mum was the breadwinner and my dad stayed home with me and my brother. He was a very emotional and caring father, who would tell us if we needed to cry "better out than in" (I believe that sentiment is usually reserved for farts, but it's a fond memory, regardless). I feel very lucky to have had that influence on my life and not being someone who has to bottle things up

[@zoerainbow94]

A lot of great points she was bringing up. If I may, here is a little story and maybe it may help some people to see if they can do a little better. I have a twin brother and we lived in the countryside, we were both very practical in different ways but he preferred "feminine" jobs such as baking and cooking and i preferred "masculine" jobs such as helping on the yard, DIY and general yard labour. However, i was taught how to knit and sew and was usually was kept inside cooking meals for when the lads came in off the yard. My brother used to be out helping fix the roof or putting new fence posts in. We certainly would have switched places. It may not seem like a bad thing, but we already started learning completely different things about what a man should do and what a woman should do. "man up" "that is unladylike" are just common phrases passed around. Every time we played outside, climbed up a tree or on to a wall, rode our bikes he was told to climb higher, run along that wall and see how fast he could go on his bike if he fell he would learn a lesson about being hurt, and the importance about being strong and not crying about it. But I was told; be careful you will hurt yourself, you shouldn't be climbing trees, get off that wall it is unladylike and don't go too far ahead. I remember this distinctly to the very day, I think about them often and I have talked about it with my brother. ~To break it down: The message he got was, you can't cry -it is weak, you have no boundaries, failure is a part of learning. On the other hand, my message was; you are a girl you are weak and you will cry if you hurt yourself, you shouldn't be striving for the same things as your brother, you are not strong enough to climb the tree by yourself so don't try. Our parents cared deeply about us both, they probably didn't even realise what they did could be harmful, but we both got completely different values from our life, that we both have had to unlearn later in life. Thanks for reading if you did, I just thought it could add a little light to the situation.

[@nuttyfroot]

I love everything about Jen.

[@pandastrat]

She's awesome and this deserves thousands of views!

[@Surdeigt]

She didn't get enough applause as she deserved to 😳

[@all4mj]

She's does, you just can't hear it because they don't have the audience wired for sound.

[@sarapereira4006]

True, My brother and I were raised in the same house and went through the same circunstances and now that my mom was diagnosed with cancer he stays the whole day with friends and doing drugs while I’m at home cleaning and cooking for the family since no one else is and no one says a word about his behav Just leting it go, thank’s for reading

[@arianaajbeaverhausen8175]

Wow, I'm so sorry you went through that. I'm sending love and best wishes from Edinburgh, Scotland and hoping that you are well. You sound like a lovely human being, keep being amazing! ❤🥰❤

[@marvinndugwa4976]

Here is some love from Frankfurt, Germany, we'll have you all in our prayers. Keep on shining as a diamond and I wish all best for you and your family. ♥

[@marias7599]

In Latin America mothers have that: “go and make something to eat for your brother” “Go and iron your brother’s shirt” “Your brother is tired from work, don’t make too much noise” Here’s the problem with patriarchy: Women are the ones still promoting it. I’m wishing good health and well being for your mother.

[@joellehoareau9958]

I so agree about the kids being forced to kiss family and friends on the lips! I grew up with a super affectionate family but I myself am not very comfortable with affection. We should not be forcing our children to do something that makes them uncomfortable. And I totally agree about the gender stereotypes being reinforced by parents from a young age. Men should be allowed to cry, women should be allowed to hate the colour pink and hate spa days, men can clean, women can hate cleaning - all these things do not need to be assigned to a gender! Very very good points, well done 🙌

[@1586brittc]

Yes to everything about this from across the pond!

[@YOitsKEL]

love this. we need more conversation about helping kids when they grow up not to have warped ideas about gender and masculinity. gotta be a long process, but this is certainly a good start.

[@gabychuels2955]

The way she gave this talk as she does her stand up comedy shows. It gave it a little twist that tedx talks don’t usually have. Brilliant

[@OrlandoHarrison]

More great gags from Jen Brister interweaved with some great parenting advice! Looking forward to her book that comes out next month.

[@manuelsantiagorenken]

So true! So true! Men cry a lot if they have to. I did and still do. It helps. And it's marvelous. It gives me relief. My emotional weight decreases. And yes! Yes yes yes yes yes. It matters so much how we raise our sons and daughters. So much.

[@marias7599]

I heard recently something I’ve been thinking for a while now about men: “They rather see me die on my white horse than fall off” Patriarchy not only harmed women but put a super heavy weight on men’s shoulders and it’s very damaging for all. We’re all human, we all feel and hurt, we all need each other regardless the gender. That whole foundation about “roles for each gender” has to go away completely, it serves no one.

[@tessiepinkman]

One of the best TED talks I've heard. So incredibly important.

[@mcfannynugget]

Why doesn't this have more views/likes? Jen 💓

[@freakofnature2880]

This should have way, way more views !

[@sarah-janewentzki8989]

I had a totally different experience when I was pregnant - when I said I was having “yes, another boy” all I got was “are you going to try for the girl?”. In all seriousness. I love my kids, but they are smashing gender norms and I also have an older step daughter, who was absolutely my first child. I mean. I can’t even. Having said that, I usually love everything Jen B says. She’s bloody awesome

[@willhulme2464]

Loved the talk! Really important message we should be teaching our kids.

[@timflatus]

13:40 I burst into tears. Jen Brister, I salute you!

[@jennieoutram6]

Fantastic message delivered in such an awesome way! Thank you, Jen!!

[@vibesgood3025]

Great words you've shared, shows another perspective of the world that not many people think about (Also, this was published on my birthday 😂) but this video is amazing

[@goodluck1070]

thanks Jen, you're so right

[@MsJennieMC]

Thank you ❤️ I resembled this growing up and it sucks, love your work 🥰

[@smch6416]

You're amazing Jen, thank you for that speech

[@oliviazhao1052]

Where's her standing ovation!!!

[@michalkirsten9689]

Why does this not have more views

[@chrisevans4006]

First time I've seen her and she's bang on with what she says. She's also hilarious.

[@helenbghebremehari2023]

I know its comedy, and all that, but you're so lucky to have your mum living with you. Cherish her!

[@sabrinabrister-lopez1985]

I have never met another person with the last name Brister. I get so excited 😂 plus she’s hilarious

[@Jazzy.girl.Sarah2023]

Love this so much. Love your comedy, Jen and your message is excellent on parenting.

[@ZanyZoomers]

She’s just brilliant!

[@tijencan45]

That was wonderful. Thanks a lot

[@ebonysoul6095]

Funny, passionate and gorgeous. I love this woman!

[@dmisso42]

And, in the present situation (the Coronavirus Pandemic), a High Five is probably the better way to go!

[@_DivineTruth_is_Home_]

I feel men look at women who lack courage in a variety of ways…point is…a courageous woman ❤ has a very different experience to a woman without courage ☺️ and since the foundation of courage is in the actual truth, that she acts on…❤ love is the experience * regardless of his perception. She can be awesome 👏🏻 in her courage or not experiencing her worth in fear…her will (desire) it’s free ❤

[@elisew417]

I love Jen a lot

[@Poniella81]

God I love her.

[@JJosephineify]

Thank you Jen ❤

[@roan1277]

I love this!!

[@Mo-uk5gt]

I love her!!!! Brilliant and hilarious

[@connectionista]

STANDING OVATION 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻💚💚💚💚💚

[@davidlloydwilliams8287]

Amen. AMEN!!

[@doloresalonso6793]

Outstanding!

[@MyLiv69]

She is so good

[@Helga-fe5xl]

Totally agree!

[@nonchablunt]

when i see my 2yo niece climbing around, doing natural kung fu - nobody can tell me that 'girls don't x'. only the farts are different. girls farts smell like roses.

[@tchai91]

I listened to Jen on Geoff Norcott's podcast a few weeks ago (she was very good by the way) and her views on men appear to have changed drastically since this was filmed, now that she's actually experienced, first-hand, what boys are actually really like. She did mention Jordan Peterson on there as well, so I wonder if she's been Petersoned.

[@roro1980]

Great talk.

[@yung-fangchen7325]

Yeah!

[@MariaLopez-dq8rn]

Brilliant! 🌟

[@nogigglingmajor]

WHY DOES THE AUDIENCE NOT LAUGH AND CLAP?! It's honestly like they don't know what funny is.

[@mrtoad1408]

Think they're not being picked up as you can't hear the normal audience noises either.

[@MR-tn5kv]

❤

[@ZanyZoomers]

Wow…brilliant!

[@cate-jb7ym]

This lady needs a special!

[@lenapeller7646]

Bravo! ❤

[@dmisso42]

Brilliant!

[@geronlee3504]

👏👏👏

[@jamesgardner5082]

Lmao the crowd was so dead

[@mat9813004]

I find her critique interesting.

[@Jackfrost24]

Wouldn’t kiss my own kids on the lips let alone encourage them to do that to others. Yuck! Otherwise very funny and true

[@nightmarethunderfist]

Lol I wish my mom was more like that lol. My mom beat her to the chase lol

[@nightmarethunderfist]

She did teach me about emotions though...

[@constancegarcia8053]

🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌 Well said! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤!

[@tripleaaakollektiv870]

no father but privilege? dont make him worry too hard about that

[@achanwahn]

Lol all I thought about what happens when thighs rub together was ... blisters 😅 big girl problems

[@tripleaaakollektiv870]

jen, are you talking condescend or descent or decent or consent? you sound condescend

[@Tomlawson944]

Lol

[@LboroWick]

I love Jen’s comedy however I would rather not take advice on raising sons from her. I’m sick of people in the western world going on about gender pay gap without having any idea how that number is derived. It’s counterproductive to use such poor evidence to advocate equality at work. If Dagenham girls used such poor evidence, they would have failed. Yes, almost all rapes are done by men, but it doesn’t mean all men do it or even think of doing it. So why do we have to diagnose all men as pathologically toxic? Boys and girls are mostly similar when they are kids but the physical & emotional needs of boys diverge when puberty & testosterone kicks in. Going to a boxing ring, doing contact sports or fixing old cars helps to calibrate effects of testosterone. Strength & aggression in men is like fire, you can control it to do amazing things or you can dowse it to make wimps. I would much prefer to go ask men how this should be done, rather than a professional female comedian. Again, I still like Jen’s comedy.

[@eva-joycornell3402]

The gender pay gap is often misunderstood, women are not payed less than men for doing the same job, that's illegal, however women tend to be payed less than men on average because there's more men in higher up positions in companies, its still sexism but there's not particularly an easy fix, it's something that I think will change over time.

[@LboroWick]

Eva-Joy Cornell I’m sorry but directly equating the disparity of averages to sexism is just nonsense. Thinking that people in high up positions in companies are men just because they are men is more nonsense. In most companies these high pay positions are no walks in parks. 80+ hours work weeks, on-call weekends, weeks to months long unsociable travel, insufferable clients, demanding shareholders, massive financial responsibilities, competitors trying to grab your business, etc., etc. Getting to these high pay jobs itself is a decades long cut throat political game in some companies. In other places people need to put the hours in, do the donkey work & maintain contacts for decades without any break. Even then, most people lose out regardless of their gender. Of course women can do these jobs but the hard reality is that most women choose not to. That has nothing to do with sexism. In the western world, Women who choose the strenuous career paths leading to these top jobs are succeeding with no assistance, quotas or parachuting. And why the focus on top jobs?. When a water mains burst on my street, it’s a group of men who worked through the night doing some backbreaking work to fix it. There is shortage of people to fill those jobs & I see no women queuing to take them. Sexism is real and it exists. However, poor grasp of maths, facts & context is a bigger barrier to solving it.

[@all4mj]

What a silly twit you are.

[@LboroWick]

@@all4mj Thanks for the insult but do you have a disagreement?

[@elwhy69]

@@eva-joycornell3402 well, that is right in the united states; however in asia that's totally different. In asia, the pay gap is a known, normal, thing that no one would dare say anything about.

[@DottieDuey]

I’ve watched her in other videos but this one was a bit much. There is no pay gap. The empirical evidence doesn’t support this myth!

[@vegetoovegetoo4520]

Wtf.. I m watching

[@Airehcaz]

In regards to the values of most western societies, this talk is mostly rubish Some places really are truly sexist, which views women as property or near enough to such. That’s really not the case in the UK, Canada, USA and other places

[@adjjal]

That's really not true. Trump is president for starters, and I dont think anyone can say he sees men and women as equals. Other places are worse but that doesnt mean that the places which are not as bad are perfect.

[@Airehcaz]

Clara I didn’t say anything about perfection, and any single individual can be sexist or whatever. As a society things are pretty amazingly equal, in terms of the law, the accepted mainstream moral values, and in regards to opportunity of choice. Things might slip backwards in some areas some times, like with reproduction rights in many conservative States for example, but on the whole it’s been continuous improvement for nearly a century. It really is pretty fuckin good, and especially so when compared to places like Saudi Arabia (pretty extreme example, but there are many choices of truly unequal societies which still exist).

[@mrtoad1408]

@@Airehcaz most of these people have no idea as they have grown up in a western bubble.

[@trishpaterson3206]

💖