Why Do So Many Black Activists & Celebs Have White Partners?

[@naomim5746]

0:25 “He’s probably still white” 😂😂😂 I was not expecting that.

[@Shadowyartsdirty3]

Maybe he pulled a Kirk Lazzarus and changed races.

[@ddoubleu170]

I hollered and subscribed. 😂

[@Ladybhive71]

😂😂

[@chescaleigh]

i don't wanna assume! 😂

[@heatherwhite2788]

If you take the example of Kamala, she dated plenty of black men. Doug was super serious about her from the beginning, and I suspect that has a lot to do with why they are married. Falling in love isn’t as political as some people would like it to be. I would love it if people didn’t seek approval of their romantic choices. A bad person is one thing, a good person who doesn’t match the parents and friends specs is quite another

[@dbd254]

You can't use Kamala for an example because she is bi racial, now that's not a problem but it is a fact.

[@indigophoenixskies1030]

​@@dbd254yes you can

[@anthonygriffin1958]

@heatherwhite2788, I believe Doug Emhoff learned from cheating and losing his Caucasian wife while impregnating another Caucasian woman in the workplace in the past.. It might have taught him a lesson going into a relationship and marriage with Madame Vice-President Kamala Harris 10 years ago. I believe her being biracial, having a Jamaican father and West Asian mother, could have played a factor in the makeup of their love for one another over the years.

[@mosesoftheblock2311]

But should a person be in an activist leadership role.

[@anthonygriffin1958]

@mosesoftheblock2311, there have been numerous people in activists' leadership roles going back to "The Civil Rights Movement" starting back in 1955.

[@chezniki]

Thank you for speaking so openly on this subject. And can we talk about the sheer number of Black men who reject Black women out of hand as soon as said Black woman has an education, a career, a job, any agency... How many Black men rejected (and disrespected) Serena, Eve, VP Harris, Megan, FLOTUS Michelle, Gabourey before they got married... and what were they afraid of? I have to compartmentalize and dumb myself down ALL DAY outside the community. I'll be damned if I'm gonna jump through those same hoops in my home or my romantic relationships. Maybe these activist are partnered with people who make them feel whole, heard, loved and supported... who happen to be white 🤷🏾‍♀️✊🏾💚

[@anthonygriffin1958]

The African-American men that you speak about are simply to egotistical in that way of thinking that his better half can't make more money than he does in the household. I don't understand why they have a hard time dealing with a professional woman who's providing for the household to make things a more comfortable atmosphere for both over the years. It's been a problem that seems to intimidate men of color for a very long time in the country. It could be the reason why African-American women run into the arms of other races in the process. However, I was looking over the list within your comment and noticed that you picked Meagan Good and former First Lady Michelle Obama who are women that are/have been married/involved with African-American men over the years.

[@chosenlyric]

Many men don’t find “strong & independent” to be attractive qualities in a mate at all. They’re invited to a challenge they didn’t even want: to prove themselves more valuable to the woman than she is to herself. And what if it takes too long? Might as well be with someone who sees your value from jump.

[@chosenlyric]

@@anthonygriffin1958not limited to us: even the red pillers from outside of the community tell men get the trad wife & leave the Girlboss behind.

[@anthonygriffin1958]

@chosenlyric, I believe the content of your comment proves why it's been said that a woman of color has to work twice as hard to prove her worth in today's society.

[@user-dv3kq3rm4h]

​@@chosenlyricYou miss the point. Many Blk women are strong and independent due to generational neglect from Blk men- duh. It says more about the men in the communateh and their inability to provide like men of other communities. Women aren't born 'strong and independent' it's a response to the environment they are in- nurture rather than nature.

[@quidagis33]

Accessibility matters. Sometimes you can be the only black voice in these spaces. I think people fail to recognize that. Depending on the circumstances meeting a black person who shares your values, views, and vision is more difficult than it seems. If the person you love respects your values, views, and vision then you're golden.

[@mariejones2669]

BLACK FOLKS DONT HAVE TO MAKE IT TO BE IN PROXIMITY OF WHYTE FOLKS

[@trkyrk]

My children were born and raised in a rural predominately White area. My wife and I were always close to our extended family and visited them often. When it was time to go to college, my children chose HBCUs. and did well there both academically and socially. It takes effort and communication.

[@Mychannels45]

This only happened to black people.😅

[@gerald4384]

Zackly. I went to predominate White schools. I dated White or other. Those were the people that were around me the most. In the living working world I'm mostly with White people. I date whom I want.

[@Lisa-rx6io]

Yea, my opinion has changed dramatically over the years as I find myself in different spaces. I completely get how someone who’s spending a lot of time in predominantly non-black spaces you can fall in love with someone who isn’t black.

[@ophylias2107]

I think for me, it was other white people stating I was "not Black enough" so I inherently dismissed what they said. That being said, the "went to a pwi and didn't know i was attractive" bit is too relatable, whew

[@peosmom]

Ditto. I felt that too. Also no Black men checking for me UNTIL they saw me with yt man.

[@krh6239]

Black woman here. My partner is a white man too. It doesn't impact my ability to advocate for other black people. In fact, my partner is there right next to me. He empathizes with the black struggle because his parents fled the Bosnian "cleansing" of 1992.

[@catmouse2882]

I'm a Bw with non-Bm husband as well. I only advocate for Bw and children. Bm can hold their nuts.❤ I dont associate their struggle with my own seeing how they are cause of it and Bw #1 predator. The Blk femicide rate speaks for itself.

[@stevekgaogelo4108]

​​@@catmouse2882Black women are the daughters, mothers, aunts , grand mother's and sisters of black men. It seems marrying a man who's not black has made you stupid. Only a black woman can give birth to a black man.

[@MichaelWadhwania]

Yes it does, you hypocritical hoe, advocate for your clit to be closed

[@moniqueloomis9772]

Exactly! 🙏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[@jasminepearls1047]

Yeah it kinda does

[@LadyJae]

I always tell people “I go where I’m appreciated. I’m not going to pretend to be someone I’m not or try to fit a narrow mold of what I should be as an ‘attractive’ black woman”. When I was growing up, the standard for (physical) black beauty was lighter skinned, curvy, straight hair. I’ve always been skinny, medium toned, tall, gap toothed with natural hair. That paired with “sounding white” alienated me from my community. I was never enough, there was always criticism on how I looked and how I presented myself. Now that (from my perspective) there is a wider spectrum of appreciation for the different kinds and experiences of black women/beauty, I’m already booed up. With a white dude. Who has always thought I was beautiful and not once, has put me down. Life is long. So we’ll see where I stand as i progress. But I’m loyal to my partner (who has always been understanding and loyal to me). This is just my experience, but black suitors had their chance and spent it ridiculing me. So I went with someone who wanted me.

[@stevekgaogelo4108]

What about racism from white people. A white men's preference is skinny blonde and blue eyes women not black. 😂

[@Talon007]

You have to go where you are cherished and beloved

[@gratefulgrace8023]

So true. I find it ironic that those who reject others who they deem "not black enough" also seem to criticize them when they find comfort and acceptance outside of black spaces. It's like the toxic ex who doesn't want you, but doesn't want you to be happy with someone else.

[@LonnieBhi]

​@@gratefulgrace8023 Yes to what you said. Many black people generalize even themselves to a point of boxing each other in. If you don't act according to the "culture" (whatever that is), then you get ostracized and pushed out. I find that kind of behavior limiting, and personally would rather have the company of good people regardless of appearance. There's too much politics on what is and isn't black. The same people that claim pro blackness can also be divisive over any and everything.

[@anthonygriffin1958]

​@@gratefulgrace8023I believe what you're referring to is that old saying or adage of "it's like calling the kettle black" over the years.

[@anthonygriffin1958]

@Talon007, I believe the content of your comment falls back on the old phrase of "love is blind" over the years.

[@chosenlyric]

@@gratefulgrace8023 I always say “people want others to compete for them but they themselves now have competition.”

[@andreadaniel8792]

At the beginning of this year (2024), I discovered that Nikki Giovanni's partner was a white woman. Don't know why I didn't know this before since I've loved Nikki Gionvanni since I was about 16. Maybe I just assumed that she was so Blackity Black that her partner was Black too. But that discovery blew. my. MIND. I couldn't wrap my head around it at first, and I had to put some thought into it, and it hit me. Maybe for her, it was all about who loved her the way she needed to be loved, and who could accept her love the way she needed to express it. And at that point, it was beyond race. That thought cleared it up for me.

[@robertcherry7190]

Things like this tend to be kept away from the masses.

[@Alkemiss]

Phew! You explained this so beautifully. Being able to have a partner who receives you and loves you in all your entirety has always been the ultimate goal. I wish more people understood this.

[@Codi892]

Nah! You’d be surprised to know how many black people associate whiteness to success. In the words of Harry Belafonte to Eartha Kitt “No black woman can do anything for me!”

[@thewordsmith5440]

I'm sorry I think a black lesbian can find another black lesbian let's be honest. There is an insidious low-self esteem in black people.

[@misshiggi8662]

That is fine as long as we allow the same grace for Black male leaders or power figures who "talk Black but sleep white" (i.e. Frederick Douglas, Harry Belafonte, who I also adored...). We all know if President Obama had a white or non Black wife, we would not have supported him... This seems a fair question to me, be it Black male or female. Yes, love who you love, but is there something more going on when routinely such powerfully strong pro-Black people choose as partners non- Black persons. I am not talking athletes, entertainers, and such. I am talking Black folks in positions of leadership telling us to be proud, to procreate, and to love our beautiful Black selves. It's a worthwhile conversation and quite frankly, I am happy to see it being applied across gender lines. I LOVE Nikki but that does not negate that the question seems fair game to me... 🤷🏾

[@matydee]

"Access, community, and respectability politics" sums is up pretty well Franchesca! People shouldn't be surprised when Black activist and celebrities who grew up in or were educated in predominantly White spaces have White partners. 9/10 it is somewho in their local community they just happen to have formed a relaitonship with. It is also important to note that once you reach a certain level of social consciousness (or even fame), you begin to realize that not all Black people are as "pro-Black" as they appear. Many Black Americans don't want to admit that being truly pro-Black also means wanting all oppressed people to be free. Not just cisgender heterosexual able bodied Black Americans! So in turn, they tend to surround themselves with people who share those same values regardless of what race they are.

[@EvTosh]

Soooo true! 100%

[@Lysistrata2025]

💯and often "Not just cisgender heterosexual able bodied Black American men!"

[@anthonygriffin1958]

@matudee, you're speaking about "sociology" in a big way regarding the content of your comment. Personally, I have experience that very thing of growing up in a predominantly African-American neighborhood having to move to a predominantly Caucasian neighborhood while attending junior high school and high school in the past. It was quite a culture shock over the years. The culture shock expanded when I decided to join the United States Navy Submarine Fleet and travel on a global scale. It really educated me to how people regardless of their culture, food, or lifestyle are important in all walks on life.

[@chosenlyric]

Why is the liberation of ALL oppressed people black Americans’ responsibility when -many of these “oppressed people” like their oppressors & hate black Americans -many of these “oppressed people” see black Americans as mules -many of these “oppressed people” don’t see black Americans as allies? -black Americans didn’t oppress them in the 1st place? -black American communities need to be the focus?

[@thephantom5368]

@@matydee Well said.

[@Val-8CH]

I understand the trepidation when you see black person/white partner. If it's the only thing you know, you reasonably wonder "is this who they happened to vibe with, or is there some anti blackness connected to the choice"? As a person who has dated interracially, I still ask that question. But if I see that neither you or your partner exhibits anti blackness through your words or actions, that concern drops away, because there's my answer. People who assume you don't care about the liberation of black folks based solely on your partner being white were never going to engage you in good faith, so I wouldn't worry about it. That's like saying a woman can't be feminist and heterosexual. It's silly when investigated further. A black couple is not a guarantee of pro blackness. Plenty of black people couldn't care less about other black people. If you're black, you care about racial justice/equality and you're dating someone with the same values, you're fine as far as I'm concerned.

[@obrechenx]

thank you for the "A black couple is not a guarantee of pro blackness."!!! most american blacks act out in antiblack manners, doesnt matter what neighborhood theyre from. they still have an inferiority complex most of them.

[@red143rene]

I couldn't agree more! 🙌

[@87883]

Nope, it’s a level to things. This was about black activists not random people. How can you promote black liberation while being emotionally tied to those who benefited from your lack of liberation.

[@Val-8CH]

@@87883 Do you also feel like a heterosexual woman can't be a feminist activist? Because to me the logic is similar.

[@chumps7974]

​@@87883That is the reason why it's questionable. Can you really go all in while you're attached

[@Sirrahlala]

Yeah, what I've experienced as a suburban Black nonbinary gay was a lot of Black people constantly irritated that I "acted white." Not all by a long shot, but... a lot. I dated Black men who were chill and liked me just as I was, though. Also, I've felt the most comfortable and least judged by them after checking off the red flag list. Fortunately, I find there is less and less judgment about "acting white" each year, as opposed to my youth. However, there are a lot critics who themselves wouldn't date the activists they're talking about because they move or speak too different. Black people are not supposed to be a monolith, we're supposed to be Free.

[@Blu939]

This. We should all be free to just be. That's what the end goal is, to exist happily as ourselves and all that comes with that.

[@waterspirit8053]

I hope people see, especially Black people, that all of this is also the Black Experience. It's not just living in all-black or majority-Black environments while attending school, church, or working a job, etc. It's also what you have shared here. Thanks for being open, forthright, and adding more dimension to the convo about our experiences as Black people. Be well. 💜

[@anthonygriffin1958]

I know from personal experience having traveled courtesy of the United States Navy Submarine Fleet how fascinating it is to learn about the culture, food, and lifestyle of other countries in the past. It really takes one of their environment to experience things like never before in the process.

[@anthonygriffin1958]

@dGuthrie1-hc2rx, I believe the lead post is simply expressing the need to step outside of the box to discover new things in life.

[@waterspirit8053]

@dGuthrie1-hc2rx What I said.

[@waterspirit8053]

@@anthonygriffin1958 No, I was addressing the reality of the Black Experience not being confined to only inhabiting Black spaces and deep cultural immersion. It's also, for example, being the only Black person working on an oil rig, or being adopted by a Korean family that lives in Montana. Levels. Layers. Variations.

[@victorialake9474]

It’s 2024. You love who you love. Loving someone of another race does not erase your race. Fighting injustice does not stop because of who you love. Sometimes you have to fight that much harder because you are an interracial couple.

[@KAlovesherkitties]

Absolutely. My experience in an interracial relationship ain’t the same as my sister’s relationship with her husband. Some of our experiences we can laugh about now when we were living in the middle of nowhere and getting snide comments/stares, etc, but to be honest it wasn’t funny back then.

[@MysticAMVs]

As a white person who absolutely despises discrimination it makes me happy to see interracial couples who are happy together. After all fighting for true equality should also include closing the rift between races when people can live in harmony together, rather than pulling everyone further apart from each other

[@hotbluflame2933]

I've followed Francesca since before she was married and I think this is probably the most vulnerable video I've seen of her. I appreciate that because from the comments, a lot of people can relate.

[@KAlovesherkitties]

I’m slightly the opposite, grew up in a predominantly Black neighborhood, went to predominantly Black schools, randomly met my husband at a bar as he was living in area which was also predominantly Black. We just work, and he loves me in a way no other human ever has. I’m not giving that up because someone feels some kind of way about it. I should also add, it doesn’t change the fact that I ride for my people, try to support and uplift anyone and everyone Black. That’s not going to change because of who my partner is.

[@Porschedude8]

Relatable.. However, it needs to be said... "You cannot tell the heart who to love".. Thank you for speaking on this.. 🙏😊

[@dariaannm]

I’ve been watching you since “sh*t white girls say” and I’ve loved watching you evolve over the years. You are radiant. Continue to celebrate yourself.

[@Rutabega_NG]

I'm biracial (Black/white), Loving generation*. My parents did divorce when I was young and my father remarried, my stepmother is also white, but he has _never_ forgotten who he is or where he came from. Who you date and who you marry is not, on its own, an indication that you have rejected your Blackness, whatever that means. I've met plenty who did date within their acceptable race and and still reject who they are. *Born shortly after the Loving v VA decision in US

[@ipsilonia]

love is political (in that the factors that make love possible are politicized) and love is ALSO messy and unexpected and intensely personal, so even back then i knew that it was none of my business that you were with a white man. black love is a timeless, beautiful thing to witness and experience, but at the end of the day ALL i care about is that black people are loved and respected by their partners. and it is simply not up to me to define what looks like for everybody.

[@anthonygriffin1958]

I believe love is political when it comes to a law allowing such a thing as interracial relationships or marriages in the country. However, the act of love becomes blind generation after generation when it comes to seeing people beyond one's skin tone in today's society.

[@visigoda]

Why is the whole notion of _black love_ an exclusively USian thing? I've never heard any of the local black people (I'm from a place with way more black people than the USA)! They never use those terms. Like, didn't the same-sex marriage movement showed us that _Love _*_IS_*_ love._

[@anthonygriffin1958]

@charlee_hotel, I believe that would explain why you don't know much about the African-American population of 13% and the LGBTQ+ population of 1% that's really challenged by Republican MAGA politicians when he comes to laws being changed with them in charged in Washington, D.C.

[@AngelisaHassan]

You can say the exact same thing about being in a interracial relationship. It is timeless and a beautiful thing to witness and experience.

[@AngelisaHassan]

Ib sorry but Black love is a stupid term.

[@teddybruscie]

This explains black women activists, but it doesn't explain black male activists and why they're not good partners to black women activists. You would think 2 black activists (regardless of their orientation) would be able to date more effectively because they share the same political and social desires but when they date each other they can't seem to make it work.

[@foxjacket]

Roxane Gay and her wife Debbie Millman are another black-white couple. From what I've heard and read, Roxane is with her because Debbie gets it, and gets her, even if she is white

[@anthonygriffin1958]

It simply takes an open mind and investing in doing the homework or research about a person's culture to get where the person is coming from in life.

[@installmagnets]

I remember when asking this question would get you labeled a hotep. Now we're having intelligent, insightful discussions about it. We're growing as a people, and i LOVE us for that.

[@lilianebrown]

I always go back to the fact that Ida B Wells was a educated black woman in the 1800s and spoke properly so it isn't a non-black thing to do to speak properly and why do some black people always think that it isn't a black trait to be educated and speak like you are educated. Loved you since loc tutorials ❤

[@rockabillymuffin]

Isnt it more about what speaking "properly" and "educated" means to people. Wy would people assume Black folx who speak AAVE are not êducated? What makes a certain way to structure sentences the "proper" way? Wo decides which way to speak and express language is the "correct" one?

[@IaMSpeaks]

Sis, "speaking properly" has antiblack OVERtones. I'd edited this if I were you. You can't be problack and hate AAVE

[@chosenlyric]

😂 ever heard Biden describe Obama as “articulate?” And Barack was his superior 😂

[@lyricalreignmusic]

@@rockabillymuffin👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿

[@seaks00]

This was very honest. Thanks

[@Taysbookbabel]

2:53 this has happened to me before and I will walk away if someone is negging. I don’t even want to be friends with someone who thinks that behavior is okay

[@WorkItOutWoman]

I think it’s an access issue which you touched on. People with a wider platform aka white spaces typically have more access than those of us who don’t. Also there are nuances that I don’t feel led to discuss outside of the Black community specifically 🤷🏾‍♀️. I heard you loud and clear in some of the examples you gave and certainly understood.

[@reneebenmeleh8004]

#franchescaramsey I so appreciate this conversation and the fact that you took the time to make this video. At the offset, when hearing him use the term “why are they with a colonizer“, was so jarring. This is an assumption that someone is a colonizer because they have white skin or that they followed in the footsteps of their ancestors, without stopping to consider that perhaps that human being may have put energy into bringing awareness to their own privilege and may even become an ally for POC. Second, I really appreciate all the points you make around this topic in such a vulnerable way. Peace to you.

[@earthshaker1217]

My counter to the critique that being in an interracial relationship negates one's work in pro-blackness is that there are several intraracial relationships with Black people where the Black people still perpetuate explicit anti-blackness (i.e. colorism, featurism, etc.) as well as antiblackness via intersections (i.e. sexism, homophobia, transphobia, classism, ableism, etc.) Black people dating other Black people is not inherently benevolent the same way Black people dating non-Black people is not inherently malevolent. Do I think both situations are decisions? Yes. Do those decisions carry a politic behind it? Also yes. Is that politic influenced by current systems? Also yes. But attempting to create a hierarchy with his subject does more harm than good in some cases.

[@joab8436]

this was such a thorough and interesting exploration of this topic. been watching your videos since i was in highschool! keep showing up as u are! -black guy from the internet

[@miscpersonalities]

whoa, please post more this was great to hear!

[@chescaleigh]

I’ve been slowly working my way back to KZbin in anticipation of the TikTok ban! Thanks for the love

[@emoscreamhoe]

A huge part of this that i think people don't like to talk about is that the internet is not real life, irl most black people are not that progressive as the internet likes to make out. or at least not here in the south where i live. i've definitely been interested in black men but they are largely some denomination or flavor of christian and are interested in upholding traditional values and archetypes when it comes to relationships and family which for me is a huge turn off. Obviously that's not to say non-black people in america aren't majority of that opinion because they are, but in /my/ experience and where i live it's much easier to find a white leftist partner than a black one. when weighing the options of dating someone with same values as me vs dating someone because they look like me im going to choose the values.

[@anthonygriffin1958]

The content of your comment depends on where one lives in the south and southeastern region of the country. There are rural areas that aren't accepting of interracial relationships or marriages to where the metropolitan cities are in those states in the country.

[@ZoraNH.dusttracks1891]

Your comment makes me wonder where in the south you live, because the same can be said about white conservatives. There are individuals who share non-progressive values irregardless of race. I was raised in the South, and though I’ve traveled and lived in a few states/countries since, I’ve recently moved back to the south. And I can’t really agree with the “most black people are not progressive…” it’s hard to really know most black people and their views for that to be factual…I think proximity/location determines the truth to that.

[@feliznavidad6958]

The internet is real life. It just exposes how artificial and performative a lot of people are

[@anthonygriffin1958]

@feliznavidad6958, I believe what you explained within your comment involves people lack of investing in the homework or research about an issue/issues before voicing their opinions instead of facts on the internet.

[@angiejordan6454]

Off topic, but 41? More like 26. Wow gurl.

[@mar25947]

ikr lol 🥰

[@johngreg12]

Stop, she looks like she is in her early 40s. Look at all that grey hair.

[@johnnyBrwn]

Yeah right. She looks 45

[@beautyininsanity421]

Like?!? I always thought she was in her late 20's, LOL!

[@beautyininsanity421]

​@@johngreg12aging like milk head ass

[@Alkemiss]

I loved everything about this video. Thank you for your vulnerability ❤

[@TruthSerum101]

It has been intriguing to observe your evolution. BTW, you look fantastic.

[@chescaleigh]

Thank you! 💕

[@theeTJ]

I’m black, gay, and went to a PWI for most of my K-12 education. One day, I had a friend call me out for only dating white girls and going on and on about it. I told her , “I love black women but they don’t love me.” I’m a huge nerd that’s works in IT. I love history and science. I like going to museums and I also enjoy farm/rural life. Almost all the black women I’ve dated have tried to change me to make me more “black” or fit their desired image. Always saying I wanted to do “white stuff” when the whole time I’m a mini-Malcolm X when it comes to my activism and community support. 😩 I’m still very much open to dating black women, but I would like to be with someone that accepts me for me!

[@nicolagrant5450]

You're gay but want to date black women?

[@84tahlia]

Out of Malcolm’s own mouth he said he would NEVER. So there’s truly no need to compare yourself to him 🙄

[@theeTJ]

@@nicolagrant5450 Because I’m a woman…

[@theeTJ]

@@84tahlia I said “when it comes to my activism and community support” - I’m not talking about who I date when I say that. I’m saying that I get accused of only wanting to do “white” activities when in fact I’m passionate about serving my community but specifically the black community.

[@Bigdookie-z9w]

@@nicolagrant5450this lol all I see is antiblackness hidden under “black ppl just don’t like me” while not even entertaining the idea to save face. Also this specific person is obviously a troll lol

[@thesoftlife1033]

I've had similar experiences with Black men regarding the way I spoke. Like you, speaking "proper English" was a requirement from every adult around me. I have been asked more times than I care to remember, "Why are you trying to talk white? 😳🙄😡. I come from a family where Black consciousness was part of everything we did and do now. I have celebrated Kwanzaa since I was a child in the early 70's😂😂😂. We represent: WOKE ❤️🖤💚 in the true way and firmly subscribe to Black Excellence! I speak the way I do because of my environment from birth. My voice and word choices do not negate my Blackity Blackness in way, nor does my choice of a Dominican/Puerto Rican man.💋

[@PHlophe]

Black men are being unfairly accused of having those thoughts when what is implied here is the melody and cadence tied to the speech pattern and hardly the impeccable English. we are being made to look like salty uneducated haters . Now this is unkind. we are aware code switchers are real and if someone's body language is not in sync with the accent that comes out of their mouth ( in my view ) . Of course i'd ask X Y Z question.

[@sumbodyreal]

Because that is one of the ways that you can be excepted in their circle.

[@Jay_Forbes]

You are whole and complete. The only thing that defines you is you. I hope you do not have to keep explaining yourself to those who know nothing of your experiences and probably do not have the wherewithal to traverse the roads you will.

[@rnna999]

Thank you for being vulnerable and open with what you've shared here; wishing you continued peace and success.

[@Passion84GodAlways]

I look forward to hearing your perspective.

[@jamesmarieellison]

As a queer woman of color who dated the rainbow coalition, one cannot be pick unless you are asexual or they are NOT your type. It doesn’t matter who you are dating. It matters how they are treating you.

[@LovingBeingNatural1]

I think finding someone who loves, respects and partners with you in a way that is beneficial for both of you isn’t such an easy thing to achieve and where you find it is where you find it.

[@kaitrinhigbee4165]

"I am sometimes attracted to men, most embarrassing part of my personality," omg seen heard and felt.

[@lauralaude6710]

That’s so real and thank you for saying that. I think this speaks to and for a lot of us! Trust that you are treasured even if folks don’t say or show it. But saying that, guard your peace and yourself and continue to be where you are loved and appreciated.

[@xiolableu01]

While I agree with some of what she said, I think my issue is with racism and people who hold racists ideas. I only want to surround myself with anti racist people. My white husband is an anti racist. I feel no conflict between holding problack ideals and also loving a man who is problack and antiracist.

[@jxsilicon9]

So he's willing to wage a bloody war against destroying the institutions,systems,etc of white supremacy? Like John Brown.

[@johngreg12]

You may think your husband is anti-racist but he likely is not. That is what BM and BW need to understand: Your white spouses can still be racist, but will convince themselves that you BM/BW are not "really black", "not like the others". Your spouse can be nice to you, your children, your family and his black friends but can still be very racist to black people that he randomly runs across in life. I have known this WW who is married to a BM, but was giving a subordinate sista hell at the job where they worked, so bad the sista had to quit that company. It serves these WM/WW well and they can conveniently point to their black spouses to "prove" that they cannot be racist towards black people. That is the thing with racism. It is extremely complicated and nuanced. A black person who thinks that a white married to a black person cannot be racist will one day learn. These whites can make an "exception" for you and your immediate family but hold very racist, bigoted or prejudicial views against the general black race. How does your spouse treat the black people that he does not know when he runs across them and you are not with him? Does he treat them courteously? or does he also run across the other side of the aisle, clutch their purses, grab their kids closer to them when a black person is approaching? You will be surprised!

[@akwaabab8504]

Wow! "Fool me once" says it all and i hear you. They are who they are!

[@PK-999]

How else can someone jam their foot in the door to keep it open for everyone else if they can’t get in through the door?

[@anthonygriffin1958]

I believe that's what becoming a trailblazer is all about making history in the moment.

[@Soswift123]

I relate to this experience so much! Thanks for sharing.

[@SongSparrow1]

So it’s a combination of “this is who I end up running with in activist spaces” and “y’all didn’t want me anyway”?

[@talithameyer275]

I think it has alot to deal with the accessible “dating pool” and past history … for me - I went to college dated a few black men and it was absolutely volatile and full of unresolved brokeness. Generational wounds of black trauma does exist and it would be a huge story for me to talk about too long! But fast forward, I went into the Air Force and my dating pool “shrank”… I one of two women as an air traffic controller and the only black person. the few black air traffic controllers I knew in my career were married and cheaters. Always looking for a tdy side fling. I separated the military and moved to Utah. My dating pool shrank again and truthfully I wasn’t looking. I had a good job and was looking to get my foot in the door. But I met my husband in this extremely white world, and he and I became great friends, had many similar interests, and shared the same job. We quietly dated for 4 years and married. We even took a compatibility test and we are 90% compatible! We have been together for 18 years. I think the thing that my husband bought to our marriage that no black person could have bought was generational trauma. As a person in the black community trauma is in our DNA sadly, but him being a white male who loves me, sees the wounds but they don’t scare or affect him. When I look at the world or my career and see unjust treatment, he doesn’t invalidate me or judge me or think he’s better … he just listens without finding a solution. He sees his privilege and that the world was designed for and by him, but he loves me and our children very hard! But it began with my dating pool and who was accessible in my sphere of influence… I wasn’t looking for whyte, but that’s what surrounded me and was available if that makes sense?

[@doshpits]

loooooool what? blk people are too scarred to be with one another? that’s your rational .. okay

[@talithameyer275]

@doshpits No…. But unless you are able to walk in strength together and understand you both are “wounded”…. Which my black significant others couldn’t deal with in themselves or anyone else, It will be difficult to make it. Theres nothing in these worldly systems that want you to succeed. The trauma of whytes and the trauma of blacks is different. one of the reasons my husband and I work, we deal with different brokeness. Other cultures are even more different. But to have a successful, beautiful thriving, relationship No matter your color takes work. the American blck community especially has something no other human community in the world has and that’s generational ancestry. We can only trace our lineage back so far. People, citizen information and names were changed, burned, or buried. We can only go back so far in our plantation lineage. That brokenness affects all of us, and it’s not fear that stops us from one another, but where we live, our exposure, availability, and yes even children. The black community unlike the Jewish descendants of concentration camps still have “no name, no place, and no true belonging” and we need to make peace with this displacement and look beyond. I didn’t get your thoughts from the video, but I know and see the brokenness in my soul, my birthdate year is 1972. I am the first integrated generational children, and my parents were the last segregated. my mother obtained the right to vote only 7 years before my birth. And now, we are going backwards, but sometimes you have to go backwards to go forward. I think if you find your right kind of “high maintenance person” (because we all have issues) no matter the color, and you are together making it and are a vision of “healthy”… you are leagues above many. But the subject of interracial dating and why blacks are open to it, really does depend on many variables- just my opinion.

[@creoleladee]

I shocked at both Van Jones as well as Daymond John, indeed his company's acronym was FUBU. But foremost, it's the serial husband, Cornel West. Of his several wives, he has never married a Black female though he positions himself as the seer of all ideals Black and Christian. I was once one of West's foremost admirers, but no longer. Why do so many believe when they take the world stage, their words and actions don't need to align? Uh, never mind. Van Jones, we don't need you to explain to others how we feel as Black women.

[@STARSAPPHIRE91]

Sister, we have to keep in mind that MANY of our civil rights leaders and activists who actually walked the walk in their personal lives aren't here anymore, they were taken out. And the ones we have left have all "sold out" to the white dominant society in some capacity. I don't think that's by accident at all.

[@Deshair]

I find that our being Black, against all odds, is exciting for White folks. They want to feel special as well, so they place themselves close to us. I’m single, but if I wanted to be married tomorrow, there are a few white women in my orbit that would marry me on the spot. Black women adore me because I understand their obstacles and mine. Ultimately, we attract how we are raised. I find the Black women who only like White Men, to be attractive and have a set presence about them. We’re not compatible because we like what we like. Fighting what we like is the true reason so many of us can be unhappy. I’m just hoping we all can find that happy.

[@_Corneroftheuniverse]

I think people limit what qualifies or constitutes blackness. White people get to comfortably exist and just be a person. So if you’re a black person who has felt like you’ve had to perform your identity being with a person that society allows to be themselves can allow you to feel free to be yourself. That’s by no means the only answer, but definitely one perspective.

[@agl5132]

It just means we see the world as it should be. It should be a place where we are allowed to love who we want. To truly let our hearts connect with another.

[@danielleb7416]

This was a very nuanced take on this and I really appreciated this analysis. It is complicated.

[@FaithThehyperpolyglot2]

Really like the levels of your explanation. I would like to add that you are afforded access to white privilege as well. With your partner, you have fewer micro-aggressions when in social settings. You get access to predominantly white spaces, etc. It's not fair but it is true. I have never dated outside my race but through the years have had dozens of white friends, acquaintances, and even bosses whose endorsement or mere presence opened doors for me. Sadly, white supremacy only sees and respects white needs and opinions.

[@cloudnationmedia8326]

Could it be that so many people in this world are just cosplaying race but deep down inside they love their colonizer? "CAP"👒 is going to be on an all-time high in the comment section 🤔🤫

[@turquoisepurple7sky151]

💯💯💯💯. 🗣TRAUMA

[@leslinepittman]

I appreciate your perspective ❤

[@PHlophe]

Lesline, i love your minimalist aesthetics . You have Sunny island Girl energy .

[@HYUHE]

Agreed wholeheartedly, it needs to be said more often.

[@YOUR-WORD-IS-YOUR-BOND]

That's been my question for decades! 🪶🏹🪮🌎🧬

[@JuriAmari]

Thank you so much for talking about this. I felt shunned from my community for the longest time because most of my friends are white or other races, my first dating experience was with a white guy, and I went to a lot of PWIs. But for me it was all about who got me and vibed with me and I barely got that with the Black or West African community for a while. I came to consciousness of my experience late too at 32 and I think it was out of survival and wanting to be the one that opened the door for Black women and marginalized people to be able to see that they can do what I can do as well. So many people have told me my presence in activities has encouraged them to try things they would’ve overlooked. I told this to my former coworker who’s now become a good friend and she told me that I didn’t have to choose or endure being the “only one/one of the handful” all the time. That opened my eyes to something I internalized - that if I didn’t stay - be it a relationship or a job, I’d be failing the equitable & intersectional vision. But there are places and people that don’t see or genuinely support that vision and staying would do more harm for me and not a lot of good for everyone else. AKA I don’t always have to be the teacher or the revolutionary all the time but I still can do the bare minimum which is treat all people with decency, grace, and respect. That’s been something that’s been greatly robbed in BIPOC & queer communities (to name a few). I still am gonna hang out with people that I vibe with regardless of background but now I’m also going to ensure that they genuinely understand my level. I’ve also been meeting with a group of Black women every week for the past year and a half and it’s been so healing.

[@susanstevens4644]

There are white people who are woke, too. Being a kind, empathetic person who cares the rights of others, isn't something that is exclusive to black & brown people. The are European people who are working to help marginalized people.

[@PHlophe]

Susann, no one is saying there aren't but the kind you think of come in very small numbers ( when they have no inflated savior complex ) . there was a civil right activist from the 60s who said there are 3 flavors of caucasian that mingle with black people. 1- those that have nowhere to go ( meaning they truly can't form friendship with other caucasians ) 2- those that have black partners therefore have to separate themselves from the larger caucasian family 3- and the fetishists that mimic whatever set of Black men's features they can embrace . ALL 3 of those are different type of toxic that we are cajoled into tolerating. My father is caucasian he has always been my personal subject study and it helps that i can't "tap" into his soul because he is my genitor so I KNOW the features he inherited from the larger society that are very difficult to get rid of.

[@wonderfulwigswomen]

6:02 yeah I don’t bother to switch. I need to be who I am and appreciated as such.

[@TheMovementMaestro]

Thank you for this. 💚

[@Borahborah9139]

This is so honest thank you.

[@pedrodecosta8794]

You are known by the company you keep.

[@slickandslaycious6579]

💜💜💜 This is so true 💯💯💯 And also being in more prominently non-black spaces forces you to more purposefully keep a black culture (whether past or present).

[@jones2277]

You have to accept love where you can receive it. DSBW often have better dating experiences with WM bc of colorism, all while fighting to end the system that alienates them

[@doshpits]

colourism was created by wm but go off

[@jxsilicon9]

Thats the most hilarious BS. Most whites hate you and don't date black. But you want to pretend most black guys don't date black women but whites do?You have to go out of your way to date white. Not to mention the racism you deal with around their family members.

[@tw2334]

My thoughts are it has to do with the spaces you find yourself in and validation. In most spaces of “success” or professional spaces you’re not really surrounded by other black people. So you make friends with those around you. Then validation, because most white people are allowed to grow up and not think about a lot of things, they don’t really pick at you about certain things, or everything unique about you that you hid a little because it’s not “a black thing” they allow you to just do you. But in time you realize they don’t understand you as much either. But, it’s a strange thing. We(black ppl) have to just love each other for how unique and colorful we are, and get the colonizers thoughts out of our subconscious mind. Then I think we can have those oddball relationships and quirky fun moments while still just being black and beautiful, with joy on top. Or something like that.

[@FTYC2022]

I can totally relate. Great explanation

[@laurathepoet]

thanks for sharing this, I appreciate your openness.

[@tanettacaleb7767]

Whew! This was deep and I respect you for being vulnerable. I have been married for over 13 years and I can say intraracial relationships (I think a phrase coined by bell hooks ) need some help. Marriage is sometimes not a desire for most but for a successful one it takes a lot of work. Whomever you love just be true to yourself. Don’t go around bleeding on other people no matter who you marry. No one picked me or I am so different…if I had a dollar for ever Steve Urk or Craven Romone I have heard this line from-I would be rich! Just admit that this society has done a number on ya and stop bleeding on folks. Mental health and self esteem are related. bell hooks has a series of books on love/self love : Black people and self esteem and Salvation: black people and love. Great books! People get so mad at the phrase black love but what about black people and love? We are so hateful towards each no matter what type of relationship ( romantic/ personal) and think no matter who we marry we carry that stuff with us, passing it on to kids who become casualties to ignorance. It’s doesn’t matter who you marry-a hurt person is a hurt person. I would also add a book called a Place to Belong by Amber O’Neal Johnston. If you read these books they will change your life. They are also great books to read and unpack with a therapist.

[@BluEx22329]

6:07 black men have said the same things and have gotten crapped on for saying it 🤔

[@thecoastalelite]

It's simple: overcompensation. I grew up (and still live in) Seattle. It doesn't get much Whiter. I was in gifted/Honors programs from an early age, so, often I was one of a few - if not the only - Black person in the room. Like you, I didn't get male attn of any kind (let alone Black male attn) til college - though I attended Howard, which is a cheat code.😆 However, I have never dated anyone non-Black because that's not who I wanted. But also, thanks to my parents, I never had internalized self-hatred. If having a Black partner is important to you & is what you truly want, then that is who you'll seek.

[@maryamabdulkadir883]

Exactly! The problem is never who you date but many black people have internalized self-hatred so it's hard to tell if they chose their partner for love or a perceived upgrade :(

[@patchworkbluez1606]

This video didn't really answer the question. All I heard was this Black woman trying explain why she dated white men and married one. I thought I got to hear how folks mentally make that leap to date another ethnicity or race here America.

[@shenquejames7598]

It's because that's who is in the circles where they are. When you reach a certain status, most of the time, it's not many blacks.

[@hotrizod777]

Relationships ain't always gotta be about race, it should be about compatibility. You can marry someone that completes you outside your race or you can be miserable ignoring the prospects outside your race and marrying within your race to make other people happy.

[@lornagreen]

As a bi black woman screenwriter director thanks for tackling this issue. I walk in these shoes everyday.

[@melvingreen4862]

Many people are confused and it's a shame.

[@tee3835]

I think it also shows that people subconsciously equate social justice with 'hate' or 'dislike' rather than a movement of understanding.

[@Esme26433]

I heard somewhere that a black woman relating with a white man doesn't mean the same thing as a black man relating with a white woman. The two are not interchangeable.

[@beautyininsanity421]

True. That gender dynamic also affects how they raise kids, ie a Black mom w an IR child vs a white mom.

[@Chiefteeth1]

That’s because you want it to be that way.

[@rnna999]

Can you go into detail as to why that is?

[@Esme26433]

@@rnna999 Not to start a war but this particular lady was saying black men see white women as the ultimate conquest, the ultimate source of power ( through association). As in not only have they subjugated (my own word) a woman, they have now acquired power over a white one so there’s the additional benefit of enjoying her networks and access to the closed spaces she has been enjoying. Closed to black people, that is.

[@besememitchell7059]

This not A Boy Meets Girl relationship . This is a Movement with so many interactial couples I Strongly believe that. It has cause serious division amoung African American people..Because it is compromise to the fullest.Sorry No disrespect .

[@prettybrwneyez7757]

💯💯💯💯all of this has been my experience

[@christeenfrancis9449]

This doesn’t make sense to me whatsoever. It defeats the purpose. I don’t know how this helps the black community .maybe their black community activism is fake

[@siddaye]

You hate it because it applies to you period 🤷 end of story and no its not funny so trying to laugh it off doesnt change the situation or severity of it

[@seantuck542]

It's not a problem to date outside your race. It's a problem to not educate that other race when members of it say passively racist things.... don't be complacent... don't accept the passive aggressive rhetoric that outsiders insert into your life through those you are attempting to love and create a life with...

[@Marsha-j3e]

What does it say about a people. Who date, marry, and have children. With their enslaver, oppressor, and enemy?

[@lioness138w6]

Thank you!!! We appear to be engaging in mental gymnastics to avoid that aspect of these relationships

[@djlivvy46]

A bw is now deleted every 4.5 hours in America. This is TODAY'S genocide.

[@djlivvy46]

Do you live in America?

[@treasured_remembrance]

That they are living people.

[@roshellegouldbourne787]

Are you a slave?

[@jesushateswood]

The revelation of Nikki’s partner was two fold for me. Although I’m not surprised, I didn’t know she was queer AND had a white partner. This shouldn’t have caught me off guard since Black men have done this way more plentiful. I’ll be honest. Pro Black public figures with non-black partners make me sad. The keywords being PRO BLACK. I’ll say the majority of Black public figures are NOT pro-black. Let’s take it farther. The majority of Black Americans are not pro-black. We are mostly an all-lives-matter type of people. I will say I don’t believe Nikki went LOOKING for a white woman. When I see Black people, public or private, with BLACK partners my heart is glad and happy.

[@dianeevans4060]

Why are these activists and celebs judged by who they date? I’m just asking out of curiosity. Because it seems like it goes nowhere to be critical of someone’s choice of partner instead of focusing on someone’s own statements and actions.

[@anonymouslakernerd7214]

What action is more telling than your choice of life partner?

[@matydee]

Black activists and celebs get judged by who they date because society fails to see Black people as single individuals. Everything and anything you do as a Black person represents all Black people EVEN if it has nothing to do with other Black people. This leads to Black Americans being hyper critical of their own and thinking that you can't be "pro-Black" without having a Black partner.

[@Most0riginalUsername]

As a means to discredit them

[@pigslaundry5593]

​@@matydeeLiterally. And it seems like no matter who I date, black, white, asian, etc, someone will apply some sort of deep meaning to it

[@saboo1_2]

Black women are policed and critiques for whatever decisions they make, especially in their romantic lives

[@debbiedeas]

Great points! I still have a hard time accepting this idea for Black men. I don't think Black women who've had an experience similar to yours respond to Black men who've had experiences like yours.

[@T1Oracle]

At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that you genuinely love yourself, and your partner, and your partner genuinely loves themselves, and you. If can hold both yourself and your partner accountable for any racist beliefs, or inclinations, then you can have a healthy interracial relationship. However, given how prolific and often covert, racism is in America, such relationships will always be a challenge. Regardless, "love" is an easy word to say, but to truly meaning it, is the greatest challenge that life has. Love never leaves room for hate. It fills every space and is always honest.

[@vagabondjonze5753]

What I wish the world would understand better is that CULTURE AND RACE ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. Conflating the two brings all kinds of unclear biases. Grew up in middle class (read: predominantly white, few ‘uppity’ blacks) environments and I have that culture instilled in me. I was a teen when I moved to the hood and it was definitely a cultural shock. Having to deal with “otherness” from people like you will have you running to what’s familiar. I idolized white adjacency until some white person close to me defaulted to whiteness over my safety that really put it into perspective for me. Went thru a whole phase of flipping between self hatred and loathing of white people until I educated myself and learned all the systems of oppression and how the world got to where it is now. It made me understand that the concept of yin & yang is a profound one and applies to everything. And the happiest way forward is balance. I don’t have to hate anyone, must keep an eye on EVERYONE and have enough discernment to keep myself safe and happy.

[@brendamarie7241]

Guurrlll...I remember you from back in the day when you first had videos on BuzzFeed and YT. Wondered where you went. Hope you find your true authentic self and not have to bifurcate into too many more personas to exist in this crazy world.

[@stillfoxyforever]

When I heard marginalized and black in the same sentence you lost me. We are not the same. You should know that

[@dahaominemoody9429]

Simple. Because you cannot help who you fall in love with. Just because they have an activist nature does not mean they are nationalists. They are fighting to be treated as the humans they are and you are - with free will. This is such a tired callout and means nothing in the full context of life because at the end if the day, we are simply ALL humans who ultimately need love.

[@Vickiluv]

I feel your story is my story. Now I have a wonder? I am 54 so went through all the things you did including a same sex relationship. The same sex relationship helped me learn so many things about what was and wasn’t right for me. I also look at the history of black women in slavery, and black people in general then and now and realize we are the only group that had homosexuality/ role reversal forced on us; we had no choice. We still don’t, even to this day. In fact black men have to fight to get acting roles where they are not emasculated, in a dress or gay while black women must fight to not be the disposable love interests, masculine, the sassy Safire, confidant or sidekick. Both black women and men are colonized to be anything but heterosexual so that wyt people not are sexually threatened. So my wonder is, is being queer another way to be what the oppressor forced on us to be compliant to our imposed social roles or a liberation from them?

[@jessicaT12345]

Great talk.

[@ashasun6620]

It’s interesting that likeminded folks don’t get together.

[@waitinexhale]

Can you be a pro-Black person who dates interracially? The short answer is… sure, maybe. The caveat is your pro-Black politics will always come under question and surveillance-by Black people, of course, but also by non-Black people too. (People don't consider the latter, and they should.) Do as much interracial dating as you like, but expect uncomfortable conflicts for both partners involved.

[@EvTosh]

The answer is a resounding " hell yes!"... because I can be and do what I want to do. There's no one to please! The people who understand this won't demand an explanation. That's our tribe. Everyone else can continue playing race-purity wars. Paranoid mo-fos.

[@anthonygriffin1958]

I have to admit you drive home some interesting points within your comment. It takes having an open mind about the pros and cons of being involved in an interracial relationship or marriage in the country.

[@treasured_remembrance]

Why would a person comfortable in their own identity feel the need to question or surveillance the existence of someone else? On the other hand I don’t think it’s anyone’s responsibility to defend their consciousness to anyone else.

[@Chaz15]

@@waitinexhale no you can’t be real respectfully you can date interracial no one is against that but you can’t be pro black.

[@anthonygriffin1958]

@treasured_remembrance, I believe that's where the lack of education without a bit of common sense or logic with a narrow-minded point of view makes an impact on how some people think about this particular subject matter on the internet.