Childhood Neglect And The Attraction to Partners Who Don't Care

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

*Take my free Daily Practice course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice *Join my Membership and access my private online community: bit.ly/CCF-Membership *Visit my website at crappychildhoodfairy.com *Order my new book RE-REGULATED here: bit.ly/3XiLsj2 *Have a question for me to answer on KZbin? Write me here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters

[@wmh1626]

Sometimes I wish all of us highly sensitive "loners" could all find each other and be friends. We could discuss how hard it is for us to navigate in this world, do the daily practice, then read books in silence, chase butterflies and walk our dogs, share music, paint, etc. Then go home and take a nap lol. I grew up with a mother exactly like the writer's, and I finally had to go minimal contact when I was around 55-years-old.

[@3k3u3]

I can’t even start the daily practice yet

[@kathyhigham7757]

I wish that too. Where do you live?

[@cicin9313]

I wish that too. I went no contact with my mother at 40.

[@estrick4854]

Great idea!! 🐶 📚 🦋

[@Channy11-z2b]

I’ll gladly join! 53 highly sensitive loner 😊

[@cicin9313]

This lady & I are kindred spirits. I'm 42, live very rural, mostly commune in nature, severe childhood trauma. I married a man who was all in, love bombing away. He changed rapidly after marriage showing a nasty twisted nature, then disappeared a few months after my dad died bc I was in a bad way mentally & had nothing to give him. We dated 11 months & were married for 11 months. I told him I didn't like the way he was treating me. He left & never came back. Just like that. I spent the first year analyzing everything that must be wrong with me for him to do that to me. I can thank him for that now. It's the one thing he gave me: an opportunity to take a long hard look in the mirror & see my flaws for what they are & grow & change. I heard my own thoughts in the writer's words, when she talked about how she must have been too this or that & that's why he left. Years later, I realized, it was just him. I had a broken picker & was attracted to a narcissisic type due to my dysfunctional attachment style. I ignored the red flags bc he wove such smooth excuses around them but all the same I wanted to ignore them. He was never the kind of man to stay. What he did to me is a reflection of who he was, not a reflection of me. None of us are perfect, and marriage can take a lot of compromise, but that's not compromise. That isn't even communication. No warning, no conversation about what the issue is worth leaving over. That is their deficiency. It's a lack of loyalty, courage, trust, fortitude, honor, and integrity. So I choose to actively forgive him bc that sounds like a miserable life. One thing about so much time alone & isolated: I'm great company! 😂 I pray for the writer's peace & comfort & release of burdens she was never meant to bear. ❤

[@helenatube]

I commend you greatly for taking responsibility and for your courage and clarity. A lot of times, we victims don't own up to the harsh fact that we are the ones choosing narcs and other dysfunction and allowing that to fester in our lives. Yet on the other hand, we do blame ourselves for others' actions, which is misguided. Change does have to start within us.

[@cicin9313]

@ Thank you, I really appreciate that. It was hard to find the lesson or good in it, but once I did, it made all the difference.

[@anischuyler371]

There is something extremely, toxically shaming, about unexplained abandonment.

[@coach_amy]

Your person will not make you feel jealous, will not make you feel like you're competing, and will use how you genuinely feel as guideposts for how to be a better person of character and integrity. I know finding a person like this is possible because I would do that for my partner and for our relationship (which to me is also doing it for myself).

[@XtineJohnes]

Hi Elena, I've done all the stuff you've talked about. I had the 4 year relationship with an uncaring person. I went and lived in Nature. I did all the working out, sports and working online and then didn't meet people. I'm now living back in a semi urban area and making friends again. I wanted to run back to nature when it got hard but didn't do it, just keep on reaching to get my group of friends back. You've got to understand - when parents raise an emotionally neglected child, they are often creating a Hermit. You've got to jump back into Socializing (within reason). Go where friend groups, guys and life/action is, DO NOT keep on Hermiting. Maybe agree to do part of your work in person now.

[@SFJonesTT]

Everything about this letter I see in my life. I wanted to have my own family so I could "do it right" and fill my home with all the support and love I never had. I was so focused on that, that I never spent time figuring out what kind of partner I wanted. I ended up marrying someone who wanted to marry me...basically that was my only criteria. I lived to regret that, lol. Talking about having kids is still very emotional for me because I'm 43 with no prospects. While I am grateful I am no longer tied to the narcissist I married, especially with no kids between us, I dodged a HUGE bullet. Moving forward, these videos have been so enlightening. I know now what lead me down that path and I can now focus on loving and healing the neglected child in me and making wiser decisions for myself. I have become comfortable with idea that maybe single life is for me and that's OK. But I am able to identify the qualities I want in the friends I'm making. I'm observing, learning and making changes. This community has been inspiring and life changing.❤❤❤

[@nursejen1111]

I so relate to her, I'm single 54 never married no kids and grew up with an emotionally unavailable mother. I have always settled for less because I thought a little love was better than none. It's left heartbroken too many times to count. I've been in therapy for years and I've healed alot of my inner wounding. All I want is to meet someone and build a life together. It's been a really rough journey navigating romantic relationships. The rest of my life is great I'm very successful and live well. I just want to share it with someone who appreciate loves and respects me.

[@LisaL-yl9zm]

Sounds like me. Can completely relate. My mother was awful- emotionally. She told me and my sisters on Christmas morning she wished she never had us

[@nursejen1111]

@LisaL-yl9zm ugh I'm so sorry 😞 I hope you're able to give yourself all that love that you never received! It's taken me years to realize my worth and value. Sending you hugs💓

[@LisaL-yl9zm]

@@nursejen1111 ty. Appreciate that

[@Halfmoonbaystudios]

You’re not alone in feeling this way.

[@stitches513]

I can relate with this post so much! No mother around growing up (dad did an amazing job with raising kids as a single parent) I strive for what you wrote but I’m also trying to work on myself to have more self love & self reliance…❤️‍🩹

[@Sahalielove]

I know you find that the spiritual community often leads women astray and keeps women settling for poor treatment and not healing from their trauma. But I have found a lot of value healing from my childhood PTSD through the feminine energy content on KZbin. I find focusing on having feminine energy helps me with keeping my standards high, and makes sure that the people in my life actually do the work of loving me, instead of me doing 100% of the work of keeping a relationship going.

[@helenatube]

I love that for you! I think she's not against spiritual communities per se, but more so the patriarchal religious ones that are dogmatic IMO.

[@lilamiranda33]

I completely relate. I’m almost 50 and I’m in the exact same boat with men and myself; avoidant because I get overwhelmed and highly sensitive, so I stay alone a lot. I have a hard time with people because I wear my pain on my sleeve. It’s really hard. I’m dealing with lot of PTSD from my childhood and men who have ghosted, mistreated and left me for other women. I’m getting better at walking away from people who display red flags, but it takes me so much time to regulate after any event with men, even if I only interacted with them at a distance and for a few days or weeks. It’s so heartbreaking. I want to heal and be in a loving, committed partnership with reciprocity and mutual passion and trust. I’ve never had that. I feel her pain deeply. ❤️ Thanks for your insight and care for us out here that are wanting and needing healing.

[@tessyutu]

Lena, I know you’ll get there. I’m just like you right now. 😊 Thank you, Anna, for your healing words. You’re rebuilding broken souls like us. Love you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you are here! Nika@TeamFairy

[@HeckleCat]

I'm definitely the audience for this vid

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy

[@1mollymom]

Anna, this is brilliant. You are brilliant. I love how you showed her so much kindness and compassion while identifying her challenges and blind spots. I had a visceral jump when you used the term “crapfit.” OMG!! That so perfectly describes the many ways in the past that I created a tiny, constricted version of myself in order to accommodate men whose regard for me was limited and/or damaging. I’m guessing that evolved, emotionally and psychologically healthy men exist, but after my last experience with the opposite, I closed my heart to the possibility some 30 years ago. Dogs are the better companion for me, and even though they break your heart when they ultimately have to leave, they don’t fuck with you along the way. Thank you for the work you do and for providing it here so freely. I’ve gained much clarity and healing from you right here, and plan to enroll in your paid content soon. Much love to you.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for sharing your experience with us and for your kind words towards Anna. We're so glad you found her content helpful! Hope the content you plan to enroll in will bring you even more benefits! Nika@TeamFairy

[@3lfruler]

Not all company is good company. It took me 30 years to realize that. Only after going through brain tumors and failed brain surgeries at 26 years old.

[@Indrid_cold777]

You have opened my eyes to so much I could not / was not able to see in myself. I have learned so much. Thank you. 🎉🎉🎉🎉❤

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We're so happy to hear that :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@Buffythenarcslayer]

Thank you ladies. This could have been my letter. I have a similar situation. I find being a single woman without children even harder with my mother. She still wants to keep me as her ‘baby girl’ even though I’m nearly 52. My CPTSD is in full swing rage with her at the moment. It’s Christmas and of course I hate Christmas!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Hang in there! Nika@TeamFairy

[@PanicLedisko]

Yes yes!! This is exactly where I'm at with my mom, it was VERY difficult when I became the age to date. I ended up with a shitty guy, but instead of letting me go through it myself. My dad read some angry messages my boyfriend had written to me when he was upset about my parents and my dad printed them out even our messages about very personal things between me and him and went to the police and then for a year they turned off wifi in our house and cut off my phone. I wasn't allowed to see any of my friends, or leave the house without them, and even when we did leave the house they kept me in eye sight at all times! I was in my 20s! And the few times I did get to talk to my friends, which was using my ipod connecting to wifi at like mcdonalds or kohls whenever we would go to those places, they would tell me I was an adult and I shouldn't be treated like that. It was a freaking nightmare!!!!! I was stuck like that, then my dad got cancer and I had to start helping my mom take care of him!! Then he passed away and I was so angry because my dad had been an asshole to me my whole life! During that time when the wifi was off my mom couldn't stand and didn't think it was fair that SHE had to go without internet so my dad hooked up an ethernet cord special for her through the computer room so she could sit on her laptop and check her email, but it was okay for me to sit day after day at home talking to nobody, but them. It was AWFUL! I'm about to turn 32 in January.

[@lizrussell415]

I understand this person’s aloneness and love of aloneness - and equal parts yearning for relationship. I get the overstimulation, the compensatory effect of nature. People like us tend to overestimate the other person’s love for us according to a projection of our deep empathy.

[@heyarchie]

I am a gay man and I constantly find myself limerent to unavailable guys. Frequently fantasized relationships seem to me more pleasant than real ones. If someone shows interest in me in real life i immediately lose interest and opt for men that I can “chase” regardless of how healthy it is for me.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@RiceandButter-pn3dh]

But normal men don't even spend a week with me, broken ones give at least some of their time and attention to me

[@fremmer007]

Me too. Unavailable, abusive, negligent, alchololic mom. I finally cut her off 4 years ago but I still struggle in all my relationships. Its a curse, this kind of forced lonely state.

[@alisoncanty1894]

I can relate to a lot of this. Anna, I felt so comforted at the very end of the video like you were speaking directly to me. ❤

[@2ndChanceAtLife]

He ghosted me a year ago tomorrow after something big/legal/custody dumped into his lap. I see now he & I both have these tendencies because we are both Adult Children. What a shame when parents are so ignorant/sick/addicted that they don't make time for the little people they bring into this world.

[@querida1809]

Thank you, Anna, for this story. I have one friend who is like this. Unfortunately, due to her childhood trauma, she has managed to build and put herself in a tower as rapunzel. Her body, mind, and soul are not insync with each other. She wants a lovely person in her life but has trouble to maintain and keep that relationship going. I think she is insecure and still has trouble believing that she is worthy of love. Sometimes, people with trauma can be a prisoner of their own mindset and thoughts. What I am trying to say is that the door is open but too afraid to walk out the door . "Familiarity breed contempt." Maybe I am wrong here. 😊

[@mnnew6772]

After watching these videos for 3 years..finally one I can relate to. I struggle with fearful avoidance.

[@RavensWillReplaceUs]

Just finished a therapy session & this was the topic.

[@lilamiranda33]

I completely relate. I’m almost 50 and I’m in the exact same boat with men and myself; avoidant because I get overwhelmed and highly sensitive, so I stay alone a lot. I have a hard time with people because I wear my pain on my sleeve. It’s really hard. I’m dealing with lot of PTSD from my childhood and men who have ghosted, mistreated and left me for other women. I’m getting better at walking away from people who display red flags, but it takes me so much time to regulate after any event with men, even if it’s just a few weeks. I’m also hyper vigilant and distance myself when there is any hint that they might abandon me or mistreat me. It’s hard to know if they doing me harm or if I’m looking for it. I don’t know anymore. 😞 It’s so heartbreaking. I want to heal and be in a loving, committed partnership with reciprocity and mutual passion and trust. I’ve never had that. I feel her pain deeply. ❤️ Thanks for your insight and care for us out here that are wanting and needing healing.

[@naturalist369]

Yes what a lovely letter! Big hug to you Elena , i can totally relate having a similar mother who was always emotionally unavailable, who got me more upset the more i tried to get along, who i had to get away from yet only ending up with emotionally unavailable so-called partners. Bless you Elena , much Love and Light to you ! ❤🌟❤🔆❤✨️ Bless you Anna also , you're correct that's not love. Unfortunately, we got used to this, however we may see and know better now. The red flag list is most helpful ! Much Gratitude ! 💜🌟🎶🙏🏼😇🌈🕊💫

[@janeyrevanescence12]

What kind of person has a birthday party but not invite his partner?

[@janeyrevanescence12]

@@akferren1 yeesh! I'm so sorry! How did he react?

[@TT-bc1es]

i think it was his friend's birthday

[@janeyrevanescence12]

@@akferren1 no offense but your husband should’ve said “either you invite my spouse or I go home” and if they decided to call his bluff, he should’ve followed through.

[@sophiahace9920]

@@akferren1I’m so sorry!

[@janeyrevanescence12]

@@akferren1 good luck

[@RoadRunnergarage8570]

I can relate .. 54, never married no kids... I have had enough heartbreaks that I no longer want a relationship to risk another heartbreak.. I don't know if I could survive another heartbreak... sad 😢...

[@chez5860]

I have cptsd and can relate to this lady. But when I went to see the red flag download, I was on it!

[@UrbanwarriorTheSOV]

This resonates with me 😢

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

We're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy

[@CC-fi9gp]

I can attest to this ,this was like my marriage,my wife treat me very badly .

[@thethreadedtarot777]

It was such a beautiful letter indeed 💖💖💖 sending big hugs 💖

[@ewa11411]

Wow. This is amazing you like to be alone despite trauma. 🥰

[@HolyGround777]

Lena I wish you the absolute best!!! ❤️

[@delfina6112]

Read about happy single women, it's the 21st century, we've got many options, please!! Loads of love ❤❤❤

[@ghostkitty8988]

Thank you cptsd fairy for the video ❤

[@Dana93Korn]

I always get partners that have narcissistic personalities or sociopathic behaviors....and gaslightening me and take my finances to help there goals...my grandmother is a covert narcissist and I never was taught boundaries, or love how love feels! I never taught life skills and never drove a car....my grandmother never drove her entire life and had a common in law husband who did drive but never even gave a slight inkling to learning to teach me how to drive. My grandmother is reactive, as if your attacking her physically, accusing feeling. ..and I kinda have that trait as well and I hate that!! I have cptsd and autism...something my family hates about me!

[@asan1050]

Anna, Thank you very much!

[@suenorwood-evans9724]

Until you become more aware and take some alone time to become healed you won’t attract a partner who is loyal kind and committed! (this is my experience).

[@Cookie-JA2012]

I like your hair.

[@JanaSzIsBasicGlitch]

Ye, might be correlation

[@RiceandButter-pn3dh]

My question is, are we attracting/choosing those people (similar to that neglecting parents) or making people feel I am unimportant. I feel even very nice people look uncomfortable with me

[@forgiven5919]

Yes, I have wondered this too, and I think maybe its just that we didnt get taught social skills when we were babies/children? I have learned to forgive myself on the bad days.

[@JFL1991]

I’m not attracted to them, I was persuaded to interact with them by a “friend”

[@elvan5922]

It is easy to see but it is very difficult to understand why and accept that it is not me but them .

[@jayshrutisingh3648]

This girl is me I feel the same this girl is feeling 😢 I want all that in a romantic partner ❤

[@melkerner]

Yep. 1000%

[@birdperson2431]

How do I submit my story to Anna?

[@lidiananicomauri5920]

Write to her email

[@birdperson2431]

@@lidiananicomauri5920 Thank you

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You can write to Anna here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters -Calista@TeamFairy

[@birdperson2431]

@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you very much

[@MrCurlz]

Who you're gonna call?

[@wendybryan6071]

Maybe she's an introvert. It's ok. Not everyone draws energy from others but from within. She might try finding activities outside the home that aren't about finding love and romance. If she likes children she can volunteer to work with them

[@TheLove1Makes]

Thanks

[@charmedprince]

Again, this is me and all of us. 🙁😪

[@brokeheartwolf3733]

🙏🙏🙏🦉🦉🦉🌺🤙🏽

[@a7744ry]

Dear Lena, it’s like you are me and I find that the outside world can be overstimulating for me and I love nature, books and meditation too. I’ve created this world inside that is not too harsh and is free from judgement, however on the outside the world as we know it’s far from fine. I think you are feeling person with the same values as me of loving nature❤ you want to be loved and give love, and that’s beautiful. I think you’d be a lovely animal shelter owner or any kind of non-profit owner as there are issues needing people with lot of love. I am currently 35 and struggling, living in US where I don’t have any friends, mine are all over the world too. I am trying to find my cause and donate to a lot of non profits like Docs without borders, save a fox rescue and buying from native owned businesses. I pray you find hope🙏🏻❤️‍🩹🤍 sending love

[@lilamiranda33]

I completely relate. I’m almost 50 and I’m in the exact same boat with men and myself; avoidant because I get overwhelmed and highly sensitive, so I stay alone a lot. I have a hard time with people because I wear my pain on my sleeve. It’s really hard. I’m dealing with lot of PTSD from my childhood and men who have ghosted, mistreated and left me for other women. I’m getting better at walking away from people who display red flags, but it takes me so much time to regulate after any event with men, even if it’s just a few weeks. I’m also hyper vigilant and distance myself when there is any hint that they might abandon me or mistreat me. It’s hard to know if they doing me harm or if I’m looking for it. I don’t know anymore. 😞 It’s so heartbreaking. I want to heal and be in a loving, committed partnership with reciprocity and mutual passion and trust. I’ve never had that. I feel her pain deeply. ❤️ Thanks for your insight and care for us out here that are wanting and needing healing.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

I hear you and I strongly encourage you to try The Daily Practice (a free course). It can be a good first step. If you want to go deeper, Anna has a whole course on Healing Childhood PTSD. Free Daily Practice: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Healing CPTSD course: bit.ly/CCF_HCPTSD Nika@TeamFairy