Being a Chameleon: Complex Trauma's Effect on Your Sense of Self

[@amor797]

Despite the abuse, the neglect, the rejection over and over. I was a creative kid, made friends at school even being a weirdo. Like many i raised myself, i was on survival mode my whole life and at 18 had to be independant. i encountered people that treated me exactly the same ways "my family" did. It crushed me more and more. When i look at my grades in school, my drawings and writings. I realize the potential that i had to become successful and all the qualities that life took from me. Its hard to be that person again, retrieve that spark.

[@BarbaraM-lv7pe]

My problem was there weren’t enough classes in school that “ spoke” to me, I wanted to cut out the fat and take classes to hone a skill. I wanted to learn drafting at age 14; no option for that. Interior design school was discouraged and I didn’t like most curriculum. Got assoc degree but couldn’t find school where credits transferred well. Second school was tough and I already was traumatized from bullying. Not enough tools in the toolbox nor good advice from adults to keep going. very tough time for me: late teens/early twenties. A critical time for a young adult too. Felt disconnected

[@lauraleemoderndaysamaritan4137]

From one weirdo to another I hear you loud and clear. On my father's side was Yale and Cornell professors, great grandmother Harvard grad. I was brainwashed to believe I was stupid and less than because I am female. I was led to AA, college and eventually was accepted into Wells college, prestigious Ivy League...became a substance abuse counselor, writer, and now do a podcast for a radio station talking about recovery ..overcome! That's what we are!!

[@SpeakLife444]

So sorry 😢. But to give you hope. It is Never too late. God loves you and He gave His only begotten son to die for you. My life has changed because Jesus showed me my identity in Him. There is joy and peace that can come from within through Christ Jesus. Please I say all this from a heart of love because I understand the pain before Christ 💕

[@Rozes301]

You will. I'm reigniting mine... colors literally are more vibrant now. Move forward, no matter how slowly, no matter how miniscule the progress might seem... it's never insignificant.💖

[@katherinekelly6432]

Being authentic does not mean being disrespectful. Human beings are social animals. Designed to be in groups. Animals that live in groups have various "Social norms" that give stability to the group. Children who have been abused have not been socialized. Usually they are taught as a reaction to the abuse to be guarded and anti social so they are depriving themselves of an evolutionary need. "To be social animals" The past abuse prevents their evolutionary growth.

[@PunishedKenny]

It deeply saddens me that I was unable to be my authentic self growing up. The amount of negative reinforcement from everyone around me was insane, so I developed into a very shy and introverted person who regularly self-isolates. In adulthood, the more I began expressing my authentic self to my mother, the more passive aggressive and emotionally draining she got. I cut her out of my life for good.

[@B.D.E.]

Good for you.

[@MP-wt9kz]

What is your authentic self like?

[@grumpy_ken]

punished kenny and grumpy ken are some traumatized ass screen names lol

[@joshuabates7424]

I am so sorry you had to do that.

[@freedomwarrior5087]

Was she a covert narcissist? If so you will find a lot of answers for yourself.

[@macareuxmoine]

I remember my family meanly mocking me because I was slow when I learned to tie my shoe laces. When I see small children at that age today my heart grows heavy. What beasts are so cruel to need such a small vulnerable being to make them the butt of their jokes?

[@torasacramento4905]

Sadly - someone who is DEEPLY insecure themselves (no matter the age nor relationship to the vulnerable being). My Dad was like this to me. When I was little he would belittle me for trying to sing and show him my voice was good (and it was/is! Surprise surprise haha) when I was older and freshly out of business school, I got "fired" from a receptionist job (really the company brought in a long time employee to do BOTH jobs to save money) and I remember crying as I went home and telling my parents I felt like a failure. My Dad goes, "oh honey, you are not a failure - you are just a HALF failure...** laughs**. For some reason that made me feel worse but looking back I am sure he was just repeating what he learned from HIS dad. (Our family found out later there were a few "no so nice" secrets about the grandfather i never met). Still painful as hell.

[@macareuxmoine]

@@torasacramento4905 pulling ourselves to a mentally good place day in and day out… that’s a task that will be with us for a long time… I feel for you 🫶🏻

[@jaaaxson]

My teachers would yell at me because I didn't know how to tie my shoes. Or pulling my hair because I couldn't draw a perfect circle. 😢

[@HarrietD-ph7bw]

To be fair, learning to tie your shoes at 16 was a little extreme

[@macareuxmoine]

@@HarrietD-ph7bw yeah, 16 weeks in my case.

[@KMBblessings]

I mold myself to fit the people I am with. No body I am around really knows who I am.

[@Kim-gp9yu]

This is me too.

[@kaycee625]

Same here. Question for you: do you know who you are? I don’t mean that to be disrespectful, it’s just something I’ve started thinking about recently. Nobody I am around really knows who I am - but then I don’t think I even know who I am because it was never allowed to flourish so it’s an unknown area. Does that make sense?

[@estherbelleza7125]

Same. My family doesn't even know my interests and my passions. And honestly I'd rather keep it to myself because they'll just use it against me.

[@torasacramento4905]

Yes we are chameleons at times

[@ninga55]

I said this exact thing to my therapist. She now has me telling her the things I've hidden from other people. It's freeing, I don't feel so lonely & it helped me slowly start to talk to my husband about my feelings. It's really helping me to figure out, who I am. At the age of 43!

[@SueLeigh-pr8vy]

Now I can forgive myself for wearing a mask to “survive.” AND now I can forgive the parents who were doing their best as they were still in the vice jaws of Complex Trauma themselves and didn’t have a Tim Fletcher to help them understand their unhealthiness and how to heal from it. My heart weeps for them now.

[@created4passion442]

Yep this was so confirmation what Holy Spirit told me ❤so glad He faithful committed

[@lahicks9773]

I am grateful for your comment. My hope is everyone will see your comment and try to understand it. Love and blessings to you. ❤

[@SueLeigh-pr8vy]

@@lahicks9773 Thank you🌷

[@michaelgarrow3239]

Thank you I’m struggling with this stuff now.

[@earthangel2590]

Me too!

[@estherclark820]

The childhood abuse I experienced was about making our family look better than other families. We were to be star quality or be subjected to lengthy lectures about our poor performance. I could go into the mess it made of me, but will leave it at recovery has come slowly. I'm in my 70s and still making gains on figuring out who I am. "Progress, not perfection."

[@dailylifeexperiences560]

I'm so glad you're here. Keep growing. Hope is a Great tool in my chest 🧰.

[@TimFletcher]

I'm sorry that you went through that, Esther. "Progress, not perfection" is such a healthy mantra to follow moving forward. Tim's live talk tomorrow might be helpful for you. He will be talking about subtle trauma, like parents who put all their hopes and ambitions on the shoulders of their children. kzbin.infoYQoglvhSYTw?feature=share

[@Altup1]

ODAAT

[@mikebutler6005]

Beautifully said!!

[@RationalNon-conformist]

I know who I am and I have complex trauma. This is why my family scapegoated me, I had a strong sense of self and I was confident-they wanted to squash that! Narcissists hate when they see you happy and confident, they want to confuse you and make you feel terrible.

[@guzmaynard8768]

Sounds like you managed to heal some of your wounds, I was criticised, teased and rejected verbally and emotionally by my mother unless I said and did what she felt was acceptable. I went on to marry a man who reflected the false beliefs I picked up in childhood and I have only just started to release this pain, it is so sealed inside of me that it has taken many healing releases and 8 years so far of working through the sludge. I'm doing it though. So happy that you are beating the oppression and its lasting effects. xxx

[@sylviaduncan6663]

​@@guzmaynard8768yes I see where you are coming from about that so true all so there is a lot of people that gust don't get it much love

[@sylviaduncan6663]

TRUE SO SAD

[@lahicks9773]

Has your family members been diagnosed by psychiatrist for narcissist title?

[@torasacramento4905]

Your comment reminds me of my first "realized trauma" with my Dad , who could be a LOT of fun, but had narcissistic tendencies or may have even been a full blown narc. I was 3-ish and my Dad had a friend over and they were drinking some kind of bourbon or something and it clicked in my mind that my mother ALWAYS brought out a tray of food for my Dad and his friends to enjoy with their drinks and "mantalk" (This was 1966-67). She was out of the house at the time, so i went into the kitchen pulled out a box of Sociable crackers (oldsters like me will remember them, and there was no cheese so I got some lettuce and tore it i up and placed leaves of it on the crackers and brought it out to my Dad and his friends, I said "I brought you a snack" and my Dad looked at me like I was crazy and said - "Lisa - this is stupid, take that back and dump it in the garbaage" or something like that. This was the first time I felt like I wanted the world to swallow me up.....

[@mark-931]

I’m so sorry for the child I was many years ago. This is exactly my story.

[@Robin-sb3by]

I often think of that child and feel terrible for her.

[@joshuabates7424]

You are greatly loved!!!

[@Danny-ux1il]

Stunning idea. I had never thought of it in this way until now. I hated myself for being so weak in character, always pleasing and always trying to fit in and not being me. In my old age now, with my mind going, I hate my life even more, knowing I am no one to anyone and still not able to stand up for myself, I just go on pleasing.

[@songsofthespirit]

You matter to God.

[@leona2222]

You matter.

[@petenkim2005]

I'm 61 and living a life as you stated too 😢

[@shareewilliams6967]

Jesus loves you and cares for you and you matter to Him. You are His creation created on purpose for His purpose. There is hope in Christ, because your identity is found only in Him. You were created to please God not people. People disappoints, but He never does. If you don't know Him get to know Him by praying and reading the Bible ( start at the book of John). You're not alone, cry out to Him with a sincere heart, surrender your life to Christ and ask Him to show you who you truly are. Don't allow people to take advantage of you, set boundaries to protect your peace. If they get upset, they're not for you. Let them go. It's their lost, not yours. Blessings and Shalom

[@ablanccanvas]

Recognizing, what you have just discovered here, I think opens up an opportunity to do the best you can to explore who you really are now. I understand what you are saying about your ‘mind going’. I feel that way too. Wrongs were done. Move forward now and explore who you really are. Your identity. Your soul being. Open yourself up to this opportunity. Allow yourself to rightfully discover who you are… maybe even for the first time.🤔 I am in also in this space + kind of excited to see where it can lead. Keep working at it! Baby steps. There’s nothing to loose… we can rewrite the story as we go. ♥️

[@kreese316]

My identity was robbed from me. As I watch this, I'm thinking, I wish that my family members could watch this and acknowledge what happened. I think this because the information being 100% true for me, doesn't seem enough. Their invalidation is like a wall. I have done decades of work. My ability to love others has not changed, but knowing myself and being gentle and giving myself approval to simply be a person-- apart from my family's assigned roles for me-- seems impossible. If you only knew. I teach and train others and do so from care and knowledge and empathy. But I have yet to fully free myself from a narcissist family system. I am praying and crying out to God to set me free.

[@leona2222]

It is a tangled web, narcissism. Just when you think you’re out, they pull you back in. I’m preparing to go no contact since grey rocking all day long isn’t healthy.

[@NganHoang-dy8el]

Honesty, I think the empathetic ability is what make you can’t break free from them. Empath usually tries to survive by attend to the need, the expectation, the thoughts and the feeling of the caretaker. They sacrifice their natural sense of boundaries and individual to survive. I have this with my family as well. Even as an adult, whenever I met them, my energy get sucked so fast. Their words, opinions stay in my head even when I am far away. Only after I release a lot of attachment with them and set very strong boundaries that I feel safe. Hope my experience can help you.

[@QuiDocetDiscit]

Knowledge, the truth about what's happening to you and why, can set you free from much undeserved self-blame and guilt. But the most relief will come if you're able to go "no contact" with all the toxic people in your life. They will continue to invalidate and shame you and trigger you. Stop hoping for fresh water from a poisoned well. My heart feels for you.

[@PowerMetalize]

I fear that I developed excessive empathy for others and not for myself as a result of my upbringing, so now as an adult I’ve become an emotional lightning rod, and I can never explain my own emotions. I also automatically see the good in people, so even when I’m defending myself against obvious abuse I feel guilt and pity the offending party.

[@michaelhaskins122]

You are a very engaging speaker with so much passion. I'm getting your message in the twilight of my 81 years but it is still refreshing. I spent half of my life afraid of who I was. Finally accepting my gayness gave me some relief but the original scars were too deep to overcome. I am basically happy now, live alone and look like I'm 65ish so that's a blessing. The Color Purple probably had the most impact of any movie. The ending to me was "what might have been" and I sobbed uncontrollably. I hope my next incarnation is more peaceful. The Gods blessings on you kind man.

[@annarichardson8222]

That’s beautiful Michael. Blessings to you from New Zealand ✨❤

[@ShintogaDeathAngel]

I don’t think it’s ever too late to start self acceptance, though even as a middle aged woman I relate to the feeling of lost time and mourning what could/should have been.

[@brotherbryanholmes]

I'm 53 and 1/2 and I just realized how much complex trauma had I've just taken the mask off in the last 2 years in overwhelmed with just feeling everything I'm a minister and even that I tried to earn God's favor for 10 years by doing so much that burned me out I'm at a place where I'm just going to be still and I hope that God loves me exactly for who I am and what I am where I am

[@lyndakersnick4743]

My coping skill is cleaning and then feeling disrespected when someone makes a mess. Perfectionism, OCD, too sensitive..

[@estherbelleza7125]

That's really nice of you. In my cleaning tho, my mother doesn't acknowledge it. And then she complains about other things and brings them to my attention.

[@bridgethunt7836]

Had a cleaning business, too sensitive

[@lyndakersnick4743]

@@estherbelleza7125 well, I did that to my son.. That explains some things.. Damn it…

[@marcorenato1814]

I’m late diagnosed with ADHD at 37 with suspected ‘light’ autism and can relate to the whole experience of c-ptsd. I always wondered why my parents couldn’t love me for who I am, and what a clinical psych said to me the other day actually might explain it. They themselves were probably masking their whole lives, and me showing my neurodivergent traits really scared them to the point of making me shut them down instinctively. It’s an explanation that has given me comfort through understanding. Also, it reminds me that they faced similar pain as neurodivergence has a strong hereditary link. Starting to put the fragments of my broken psyche back together with the help of trauma therapy and learning about AuDHD & cptsd.

[@lahicks9773]

ADHD stems from trauma. Check out Gabor Mate, he offers information about this. Please do not take stimulants as this will actually cause you more problems.

[@jejelaurent9495]

Can somebody tell me how to diagnose as an adult?

[@lahicks9773]

@@jejelaurent9495 look up Dr Gabor Mate ADHD

[@ShinySilverBunny]

​@@jejelaurent9495 go search for free tests online to take. It helped me alot. Take more than 1 test to get a broader understanding

[@MissMeggypoo]

@@jejelaurent9495 I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist recommended by my psychologist. I believe as long as it’s a medical doctor, they should be able to diagnose you. You can try calling your insurance if you have that or there are a lot of free services in certain communities.

[@martingd777]

Audhd, BPD, PISD, CPTSD annnnd an INFJ/P… i am a million different people full of bins of hobbies that i just don’t touch.. drama, sports, music, teaching, various trades, art.. good at so many things that i am utterly lost. Excited to start the LIFT program this August Tim!! So excited.

[@dorijoe]

What is this LIFT program?? You sound like me. 😅

[@reallythere]

I'm curious too, I'm the same exactly 😮

[@SueLeigh-pr8vy]

How much does it cost?

[@comnandmentsdeadlysins]

Excited with and for you to be all you are intended to be. You got this! Yeah you! Yes there are people you don't know and may not meet in person who truely care about your best interests to live your best life. Thank you for lighting up my day! Priceless gift.

[@martingd777]

Testing. 6 tries to answer you all and it keeps getting removed, i’m getting triggered and might ragequit you tube LMAO

[@MendeMaria-ej8bf]

Unfortunately, families often aren't functional and supportive. In addition, our whole societies aren't either. That's traumatising.

[@christinsongbird]

We’ve lost touch with ourselves in this society. We live in one of the most unnatural times. Time to get back to our primitive state of being.

[@Samantha-vlly]

My family doesn’t accept growth or learnings in life tbh. This kind of holding me back unconsciously and I’m working on it how to strengthen my capabilities.

[@lauraw.7008]

Yes, even trying our best, in a society that values profits over people, and those with money, it’s difficult to unlearn unhealthy stuff.

[@MendeMaria-ej8bf]

@@lauraw.7008 ❤

[@Mrimperfections777]

Yes yes yes... don't share abuse easily even if ya believe they can help ,cause I'm guessing if they have known trauma ,they EILL JUDGE YOU AND MAYBE AVIOD YOU NOW..MAKES THE CHILDHOOD TRAUMA A FRESH.😢

[@RodrigoAlgorta]

It's incredible how much I identify with all of this. Im 36 yo now, trying to overcome trauma of having 2 violent and narcissistic parents that bullied me and tortured me psicologicaly and physically all my life. And i developed that fear and confusion with my identity, and the chameleon thing which I wasn't entirely aware until some years ago. Therapy helped a lot but is still a long recovery journey. To all those with similar issues you are not alone, cling to healthy relationships with familiy and friends, and a good therapist and you will recover and be fine.

[@InvisableMe]

I'm nearly 60 and still trying to find out who I am. Luckily, I realised my family was unhealthy early on. And did some early work.. But it goes.deep.

[@alexasaltz4229]

Deep, understatement. Scars upon one's soul...

[@nishak1996]

This is so true. This is me. I'm a Chameleon. And I don't even feel like cursing the people who made me feel this, to suffer all this themselves. I'm so tired of my mind.

[@herelieskittythomas3726]

Same. I just want to be left alone.

[@sherileyva5908]

I can really relate to your comment. I'm way too tired to even care anymore

[@user-wz7li1br5o]

​@@herelieskittythomas3726this is exactly how I feel. I'm tired of it all,my weak personality and self. I just want to detach from this world.

[@estherbelleza7125]

​@@user-wz7li1br5o Why do all of us have something like this, and it is something we all have in common.

[@yesterdayitrained]

I’m tired of my mind too. Sometimes I wish it would STFU and let me be- even for a little while. It’s both sad and validating to know I’m not the only one.

[@BeholdIamaNewCreation]

The timing of this episode is divine in origin. I am literally going through this reidentification process as we speak. I am just now developing my identity. Personality: INFJ-T, talents: cooking, creative writing, poetry, singing. Passion: helping others, creative humor, helping inspire kids, spiritual development.

[@penelopepadmore3248]

I agree. This video is an answer to a prayer I was saying today.

[@JesuisLord]

Perfect timing indeed I was searching this out this week, like narcissistic x has a false self but who am I ???

[@sunshinesunflowerz1647]

Hi 👋🏾. An INFJ-A here

[@Noora11_3]

​@@sunshinesunflowerz1647me too. I love your name, btw❤ I LOVE sunshine and sunflowers

[@TimFletcher]

I'm so glad it made its way to you.

[@ALTheFreeMan]

This was a great video, very spot on. I grew up with an alcoholic and physically abusive father. I’m now in my 40s, and I feel completely lost. No serious career, never been married, no kids, and the fact that I’m coming up on 3 years sober is about the best thing I’ve got going for me. I’m also a Christian, but, my faith doesn’t seem to help the pain go away, it was drugs and alcohol that always seemed to do the trick. I just recently started learning about trauma and C-PTSD within the past few years, and wow, such eye-opening information! Now I know why I’m so messed up, lol. I envy people who grew up in healthy environments, but my “dark side” looks at “normal” people like they’re spoiled brats who just don’t know how good they’ve got it.

[@osmos2017]

It’s not your dark side though, it’s understandably your scared hurt inner child who didn’t do anything wrong.

[@JulietCrowson]

Keep praying if you're Christian and God will help 🙏🫂✝️

[@ALTheFreeMan]

@@msbutterflyz What does any of this have to do with shaming women???

[@regaininglife9084]

Your life and thoughts are almost identical to me. I am 44 now and I've spent my life trying to heal and become happy and independent. I've had some pockets of success, but nothing has stuck. My past keeps coming up and knocking me back down. Almost all my family has passed away now and I thought I can finally live my life. And up until a few years ago I was actually happy with myself. I started to dream a little. I've picked up some skills over the years and I was building some connections with people. But now, the remaining family I have left is trying to control, push me back down into a role they want me in, and are harassing me nonstop. I've been retriggered and my life collapsed. I lost everything. I am deciding to move a few states away to finally put and end to my past and start fresh.

[@ljo0605]

You're not the only one that is nearly 40 and still feels like a mess from abuse and complex trauma. I'm also a Christian and I do feel this helps because I know God is working out things for good and trusting in his plan for my life. Keep the faith and I hope you get the support you need to heal. God will not let you down ❤

[@alexasaltz4229]

58 is kinda old to be figuring out who you could/should/would have been. Being a chameleon, relationships tend to be shallow, friendships are fleeting. Always an outsider...

[@TheDarkPatito]

you still can figure out what you will be for the rest of your life. if you want to be a chameleon for the rest of your life thats your choice. i hope you can be an authentic old person some day.

[@alexasaltz4229]

@@TheDarkPatito it isn't always a choice. Sometimes you just have a shitty selection of which to choose.

[@bizzarroworld1518]

I can relate

[@TheDarkPatito]

@@alexasaltz4229 inaction is the most attractive choice. You always find new options once you start moving.

[@alexasaltz4229]

@@TheDarkPatito yup.

[@shannonthejeepgirl]

I was constantly picked on in middle school and then in 8th grade when I was 14 my father killed himself and my mom just disappeared and left me to find someplace to live so I had to be good or I would have to find someplace else to live and now anytime someone is mad at me, I immediately assume it’s because I’m too much trouble. Being myself has never been an option.

[@frizzyrascal1493]

Shannon, I wish you all the best and hope you can heal from this, I’m so sorry for what you’ve endured.

[@PunishedKenny]

I can relate to assuming I'm too much trouble. I was made to feel like I owed people something for merely existing.

[@Jessicahurst1]

@@PunishedKennythis hit close to home for me. Grateful people are so open on this comment section. You have the right to exist!

[@Earthether]

I was a foster Kid similar childhood and feel same

[@StudlyFudd13]

@@PunishedKenny Same...completely the same for me. I was tormented relentlessly by others and I didn't dare bring it up to my parents because if I did I was being a burden. I just learned to silently take it from everyone and everything. Swallow my feelings cause they don't matter.

[@aceshigh5157]

wow this was very validating!! i started paying attention to my thoughts, emotions, reactions, experiences a few years ago and am in the process of integrating my self concept. and yes, the difference between me now and me before is that i actually feel safe to do it. i'm excited to see what my self concept is - because then i'll need to test it out since i won't know if it's my true or false self. a big reason why it took me so long to get here is that i have a belief that connecting with myself will negatively impact others. i'm not afraid of my "dark side", i'm afraid that i'm just as stupid as my mother always told me that i was. connecting to myself - having and expressing my wants and needs - will create problems for others and i'm not allowed to take up space because i'm so stupid. and yes i realize how batshit this all sounds...

[@leona2222]

❤️‍🩹not bat shit. Honest.

[@michaelhaskins122]

Not to me...not bs. It's real and I connect with it fully. I wish happiness in your future.

[@ShintogaDeathAngel]

It doesn’t sound bat shit - lots of people get exactly the same social conditioning from parents and it’s very hard to get rid of that negative voice. I’m still trying to figure out how to express needs/wants - afraid that my requests will push others away even when I do know what it is I need in the moment.

[@jamescompany-xf6vi]

Interesting video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her..

[@coleman-zx9ne]

its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back

[@jamescompany-xf6vi]

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?

[@coleman-zx9ne]

Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

[@jamescompany-xf6vi]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

[@kathyhenry2362]

rejection is protection, love yourself enough to move on

[@bryanmccaffrey4385]

Growing up Autistic was exactly this. Then developed that dark side. Went through addiction. Finally found help to quit. Its like waking up again back to a certain age. Im studying this in school too. Tim's explanations go into a lot more detail. Textbooks dont describe what it was like being like this most of one's life.

[@GodTurnItAround]

I resonate with this. I was a walking talking replica of actors, singers, people around me, etc. I walk into a room with one accent and leave with another. Zero boundaries. Zero sense of self. Addictions to escape. Then I woke up and realized I had pushed my true self down at 12 after a S/A. I have always wondered if I'm autistic with cptsd.

[@CodyRArcher]

The ‘Dark Side’ is all of the suppressed emotions that needed to be expressed over the years. It’s the manifestation of all the times someone neglects their authenticity. The crazy part, is that it’s a direct reflection of the parents neglect of authenticity. Abusers only abuse because they do not understand who they are which leads to feelings of fear and a need to control your environment to push that fear away. Human beings are like computers, so when a fearful parent raises their children, they are literally programming them to be the same as themselves! The ‘dark side’ of the abused, is a direct reflection of the darkness within the parent and it takes an incredibly brave victim to step into their own power and change their situations.

[@KayFlowidity]

1:40 💯💯💯 2:50 Survival Mode 4:35 Internal World 5:25 Emotional Disconnection 6:15 Authenticity 7:00 The Dark Side 8:20 The Personality 9:10 Natural Talents 9:55 Our Passions

[@brittca]

I doubt I’ll ever know who I am. 5 years of near constant therapy work and I still don’t know. Intense ongoing childhood trauma just… ruined ‘me’. I’m 37. I think I just need to accept I’ll never know who I am, but I just might be able build a better future me. ❤

[@hyperdragon001]

It's not just parents. My teachers and/or tutors actively discouraged me from pursuing the careers I wanted to go for. I wanted to be a toy designer or a comic book artist - but those were not seen as 'proper' or 'meaningful' careers - and were shot down/ pushed aside. My education was... not of my choosing. It was directed by the ambitions and bright ideas of people who should have been more attentive to who I was, rather than what they wanted from me. I was not equipped with the strength of identity to defend myself from such misdirection. I partly blame my parents for that. They were... not brilliant either. So the person I could have been was progressively sidelined, devalued and encapsulated more and more until I was truly molded into a creature built to serve other people's expectations rather than an authentic expression of the complex unconventional being I really am. I do not love what humanity has done to me. I resent most all of my life up until now. Every day has been some kind of battle or exercise in survival. Last year I completed the first draft of my first full novel - and I am going to illustrate it fully. I do not know if people will be able to grasp or relate to it... but it is an expression of truth in a world that has tried to crush my individuality since I have been aware of it. I do not make my work to be accepted by this world, by other people. I make my artwork in spite of it... ...and it is glorious.

[@hokeypokeyahandicapablebul4207]

You have this! We will noy comply , to the monsters that have tried to break us. You know this... ❤ yourself. I know how hard it is. Blessed be..

[@Rupert.Bingham]

What a wonderful, supportive comment section!

[@EricBryant]

It's taken me a long time to find out who I was, and I'm still not done. It's a lifelong journey. Grateful my HP is guiding me in the right direction

[@joebloggs339]

Tim is a saint. This information is touching thousands. To make such important guidance available publically is truly doing God's work.

[@your-name-here.]

I dont think I will ever fully "figure it out". I left a path of destruction behind me and the past 15 years I have been the recipient of the bad karma, as I deserve for all those I hurt. I cant help but to think of what a waste my life has been and is. Alone and in debt with no light at the end of the tunnel. I still freeze up a lot and my inner core being is a fearful little girl who is, unconsciously, still looking for someone to take care of her.

[@AlienJelly12]

Spent my entire childhood and my 20s trying to live up to the expectations of my parents. At the end of my 20s I was extremely depressed and started destroying my life. I got myself into a ton debt, became an alcoholic, and stopped engaging at work. It wasnt until I was 28 that I realized I was depressed because my identity wasn't really who i was; it was the image my parents projected on to me. Its still hard rebuilding myself to become more authentic, but now Im doing everything that my 18 year old self wanted. Im still depressed because i can see the good life i missed out on. But instead of trying to tear my life down, im building it back up. When im older and look back on my 30s, i know that i wont look back with too much regret.

[@user-wz7li1br5o]

I don't even know who i am. It's so sad and tiring. Its exhausting living a life of fear, anxiety and people pleasing. I'm not even angry at anyone, i just want to be left alone.

[@rhondanelson2669]

You are so spot on. You are a very educated man just overflowing with deep wisdom. Your insight is so vast but whats more is your ability to articulate your wisdom as you present it. You have mastered your craft and are an incredible gift to mankind. I have deeply identified with all of your series. They are very validating. I had many aha moments while watching you and gained a better understanding of why my brother acts out as he does. If people could be a little less brash with others and seek to understand rather than condemn I think our world would be just a little sweeter place to be.6😢76

[@SkyePhoenix]

Now I understand why I never had a dream. I just wanted to create a family where I belonged. I failed at that.

[@regaininglife9084]

It's not over yet. It isn't over until it really is. Keep trying to be and have what you want.

[@monikagin]

I feel you😢 Same here I repeatedly failed at goal-setting. Reading books, taking long walks, photography helps me. I hope you find something that helps you too❤

[@minajeetjemineetje3002]

My father never had any higher education himself, but pushed me to do an education I truly disliked. I finished it, but obviously dont have work in the field I studied, because I did not enjoy it. Now I work an office job. I love learning and I cant help but think, what is I had pursued my own dreams? Feels like I wasted so many years of my life trying to please my father, ending up with a life I am not happy with, I truly resent him for it.

[@user-kx7oi9co6w]

This video elegantly articulates my experience as a child, except that I was not mistreated (at least not in the conventional sense). I was adopted into a loving family where I nonetheless felt like an alien and completely alone. I became a chameleon in order to survive and avoid further rejection, but in the process sacrificed my authentic self. I wasn't sure what I was, let alone who I was or what I wanted to be in life. Many adoptees report growing up feeling like an 'alien chameleon' and are diagnosed with complex trauma despite relatively normal childhoods, so I am clearly not alone in my experience. The psychological profession needs to broaden its understanding of the factors that lead to CPTSD because the current definition is clearly inadequate.

[@robertavery3734]

Read the Primal Wound, it’s just for adotes

[@ShintogaDeathAngel]

I was adopted too, but there was abuse in my immediate adoptive family so it just compounded my existing trauma. Luckily I finally found a good trauma therapist, kind of by accident but maybe it was fate! Family were loving in some ways, but there were definite toxic and somewhat controlling undercurrents. I can’t easily explain it concisely in a way that makes sense.

[@GiftsAmimalsGiveUs]

I think this becomes mostly true for the kids who end up choosing love instead of being authentic. I choose being authentic instead of loved.

[@user_f1]

Both of those decisions have a counter side though. You can never be loved for who you truly are goes with both of them, and that’s a quite sad thing/belief. You either reject and avoid others or yourself. In both cases there’s never really true connection.

[@amele820]

this is my ex, and even though he's coming from loving parents, he grew up between two houses and was learning to be a chameleon to his separated parents. we had to break up, I couldn't be with someone who struggled to be authentic with me, even though I tried to give him space and make it safe for him to explore who he is... it's heartbreaking that an adult person goes through life just not knowing themselves and how to be true... I wish he meets himself one day. But I had to walk away, it was too difficult.

[@teemadarif8243]

they don't Know who they are , but they can Feel who they are .

[@braininjurydiy]

I know those things, I don't know who I am when i interact with people, I don't know how to be myself around people I'm just so attuned to being something that will avoid any kind of conflict.

[@Vis80842]

I did this for such a long time, i’d be an actor down to the tee. Until years later now, the facade has started to crack and out of that has come intense reactions i would have to people when they didn’t just ”accept the facade i was showing them”. At first i had no idea why i was getting so triggered and acting like a petty child. It generated an extreme levels of just… agony. Having spent years hiding like that, pretending to be perfect. I also recognize this so much… i’ve been in survival mode all my lfe up to this point. Now i’m trying not to see the idea of stepping out of the door as a threat or other people as threats. Living with complex trauma to me has felt like having multiple maniacs running around with knives inside me without my knowledge. I still struggle immensely with isolating myself, connecting to others as well as a very acute sensitivity to everything and everyone. But outside of therapy which i just refuse; radical self-acceptance has been the only way. To just vomit up all the bullshit norms and beliefs around ”how i should be and if i’m not; how i should treat myself” etc. As well as realizing that those difficult memories were like snapshots of a time when i couldn’t handle them, i’ve been living in those memories subconsciously for so long. This is why shadow work/inner child work has also helped me a lot, regardless how sensationalized or negative the view is on evolutionary psychology. We have to accept every single part of who we are and integrate them. We are not singular, we are the sum total of all our parts. It’s what makes us beautiful and human.

[@coryharry7300]

I can totally relate to this. The issue in my house was I was mocked or scoffed at for things I was interested in (by father) and at the same time got no feedback or support about anything I did (schoolwork, sports) or may have shown an aptitude for from either parent, so I’ve never had any confidence in anything I do.

[@janeyrevanescence12]

I’m not a person. I’m the canvas on which people paint their expectations of me on. I’m the collection of masks that changes depending on the person I’m interacting with. I’m pretty sure if all of my masks are ripped off or the paint washed away…there would be nothing there.

[@regaininglife9084]

I used to be this way. But I have had periods alone where I discovered part of me that made me feel like myself. But then I get retriggered when I am back around my family. I've cut everyone toxic out of my life. Have not had a chance to connect with any real or healthy people. But I keep trying. Right now I am striving to have my independence again so I can start healing. I suggest you do the same. There is someone behind the mask. You need the time and space to find her.

[@redmoondesignbeth9119]

I don't know who I am. At 72 I recently found out that I did NOT ruin my Teen Mom's life. That must have happened when she had her first kid...who was adopted by the CEO of SEARS. Then I figured I was just some Midwest Vanilla Girl and it turns out that my Grandfather was a powerful Chicago Gangster and I grew up in the HideOut. Being the first kid in their marriage I represented a very painful time and she projected her shame/trauma onto me. I realized as an adult that EVERYONE was ashamed of my very existence. My LIFE was a LIE. When I try to remember my past all I "see" are empty white triangles???? Even my basic Self was a lie. I'm a chill person who tries not to be noticed and I have had SO many people challenge me. i realize now that i have my Grandfather's Gangster Vibe without realizing it. I was raised a mutt when I really have the DNA of a Wolf...which lets me know eventually I will figure this out. :)

[@robincrowflies]

I used to say I was a chameleon until I saw My Octopus Teacher, and I realized I was an octopus.

[@reneeantwi-boasiako3974]

Thank you for talking about this. This is me 🥹❤️

[@whimsylore]

My mom would tell us there is no such thing as a personality, there is only the mistakes we were making when we weren't acting the right way (the way she wanted us to act).

[@christinsongbird]

Mostly I am myself. Because of this I’m rejected. I’m very quiet and introverted. I cannot change it. I also have a very high strung and staunch way of being. I like things to be a certain way and I get very upset when it’s not. I’m brutally honest with no filter. Many do not know how to take me or handle me.

[@user_f1]

Sounds a bit like autism too, a lot of people with complex trauma tend to fall somewhere on the “spectrum” of neurodivergence

[@d4rkh4l34]

are you yourself? what you wrote sounds to me like you are scared, scared of losing control. im not judging you but walking on eggshells around someone because they get easily upset if their expectations are not uphold is a nightmare. you dont sound honest, you sound mean, you excuse your bad treatment of others by calling it honesty because they "upset you". tone it down, let go and accept things dont always go the way you want. "im very quiet and introverted" but also "im brutally honest with no filter" doesnt sound like you are quiet at all especially when you are upset. i dont see quiet introverts rejected just because they are quiet introverts. i thin you are bullshitting yourself and you havent really thought through who you are and want to be.

[@SuzannaLiessa]

I've always felt like I am "making it up" when I'm interested in things. Like I'm just pretending, because obviously I haven't got any talent and I just think it's "cool" to be interested. I don't follow through because why would I bother? It would just be more "let's pretend."

[@ceeeceee8753]

Omg I feel the exact same way and didn’t know there was at least 1 other person who felt the same way!

[@JORDANABADEER]

Oh god this is me

[@SuzannaLiessa]

I'm slowly starting to realize that I can do things whether I have talent or not - I can do them purely for my own pleasure. I don't have to justify my interest to anybody but me. I can even be interested just because it’s cool to be interested. Anybody here who feels uncomfortable saying that something is just for you without qualifying it with things like "as long as I'm not spending money I need for something else," or, "as long as I meet my other commitments?" I feel like I have to reassure everybody that doing something that's just for me won't cause a problem.

[@SuzannaLiessa]

@ceeeceee8753 Then I'm glad I spoke up. I bet there are a lot of us. I'm still doing baby steps, but I've decided tell that little voice, "So what? I'm not doing it for you."

[@tommyorange4270]

It would be very interesting to do research to complex trauma and the development of gender dysphoria (transgender people). How many lost teenagers and young adults have decided to transition, because of not having a sense of self and finding some sort of relief in changing gender? Disclaimer: Not saying transitioning is bad or good or that gender dysphoria isn't something (partially) innate. I am however concerned about young people with complex trauma, pursuing a gender change that involves a lot of risk to one's health, eventually coming to the conclusion a gender change did not help them becoming authentic. That is just so heart breaking.

[@BassBoss101]

💯

[@JJ-zp6xf]

As a genderqueer person I agree. I think trauma has likely influenced the disconnection I have with my gender at birth. This also does not invalidate being genderqueer at the same time though.

[@jamesreilly6612]

Sorry, but that sounds like bad faith research to me. We already have powerful transphobes arguing autistic people aren't competent to decide whether they're trans, despite clear evidence of high overlap between the two groups. It sounds like you're fishing for justifications to extend that to people with complex trauma. Why not start out with less preconceived ideas about what you might find?

[@bizicki]

You have it backwards. How many people suffer complex trauma because it’s not safe to be authentic from a young age age ie your family is insanely homophobic /transphobic expressing it daily, your idea of who you are is not acceptable to the people trusted to raise you. So you have to repress your authentic gender expression , and navigating life as a trans person without a staring support network is infinitely more difficult than any cis person can ever imagine. Never mind the amount of negative messages in the media on a daily basis as well.

[@user_f1]

Absolutely it is connected to trauma. Just consider how many people regret their choice and then de-transition.

[@Samantha-vlly]

The way he explains it is very simple and clear. He did not make it a hard time.

[@4thworldwilderness390]

I feel this so much as a lutheran pastor's son. I went out of my way to not be me for so long that it took a long time to find parts of myself again, still looking for the rest.

[@michaelhaskins122]

Totally get you. My male parent ...he was never Dad...was a fire and brimstone So Baptist preacher. Grandparents on both sides were in the same thing. It's a brutal way to grow up. Best wishes on your journey young man. ...

[@Frejborg]

I start LIFT online in a few days. I've been surviving all my life, and am a chameleon, fractured identity. My life has only gotten worse and worse over time. I have deep rage, and have always felt lost, and aimless, and without knowing who I am...

[@lovepeacechickengrease.]

Thank you for shedding light on this❤

[@wings45knm]

story of my life, growing up with undiagnosed Autism

[@Luke-ei2yv]

IFS therapy is really practical and applicable for people wanting to move through trauma from the past. Hope Tim mentions IFS one day.

[@user-kx7oi9co6w]

Agreed. Internal Family Systems therapy helped me to understand and engage with those parts of my psyche that I feared and loathed. Engaging them with compassion instead of judgement, and accepting that they exist for a valid reason, was the key to diminishing their power over me, and the conflict between them. They're all still there but they're no longer in conflict and I can decide how to respond to each of them when they emerge, which is liberating. I was sceptical of IFS and felt powerless in the face of the dominant, warring parts of my psyche, right up until the moment that each of them 'emerged' and just as quickly dissipated. The last thing to emerge was almost too awful to bear, and represented by a huge black spider, but even it is now transformed. It has become a beautiful little jumping spider that evokes no fear at all.

[@kendraarnold5940]

I used to call myself a chameleon. My entire childhood is riddled with trauma abuse and abandonment. I had to adapt to so many different environments. Home had various forms of abuse, so I had to navigate that. Then my mom and dad's side were so different I had to navigate and change who I was around them. Then foster care and group homes. Not to bring race into it, but that was something I had to navigate too. I code switched a lot because I would be teased for talking like a white girl... I had to be so many different things. I'm 36 now. It took me to take healing and therapy seriously in and out of the therapists office to realize I could no longer keep that up. I have no one around me now, and I feel peace from the loneliness I was once so afraid of. I decided I didn't want to lose myself trying to keep people in my life that didn't even know the real me. It was and is a journey. I'm pregnant with my first child now, and I need to give her everything opposite of what I had. Prayers and blessings to everyone 🙏🏼 💜

[@noinflouencer]

I realize… I do all of this, now, at the end of my twenties. I judged myself for it for being childish or egotistical.. with this video I understand why I have the desire to do all of this and how good that is. It’s reassuring and telling me that I’m on the path of healing and cycle breaking.

[@wendydaniel1110]

Thank you Mr Fletcher for all of the extremely informative videos that you do... You are saving lives giving us hope and answers to our personal dilemmas and life challenges. Blessings to all of us who are courageous enough to embark upon this healing journey of self discovery, forgiveness and self love. One step forward at a time...Let's grab this beautiful Devine gift from the Universe to live in our truth . Only then we will be free, unmasked, liberated, loved and present with our authentic self and each other ❤❤❤

[@el224]

Totally explains what happened to me

[@tessajetta8146]

Many years ago I found John Bradford and I felt he understood me. Now I discovered you and I feel that I have found again.

[@sistergoodstuff]

24 years ago my school matric farewell dance had the Oscar’s as the theme. I won the Oscar for ‘The Mask’. They knew knew me before I did. It’s been a long road. But I’m me now

[@sonofARTs]

and eventually after all those battles you dont realize how amazing of a warrior you are. Theres a point after 30 years, i got out of the army infantry, then lost my arm in a car accidfent, i was fine with all of that but the trauma came from my father. So not only was i an actaully warrior , i was a warrior in my soul. at some point i gave up because i realize fighting for myself, my future, my soul, wasnt getting anywhere. which led to depression and that been the hardest part. So now that ive gotten through and i survived and can lead an incredibly gifted life, its almost like its to late. now i have to battle my self, my conditioning. I always told myself, "you are ok, this isnt ok, but ITS OKAY." thats okay. because it didnt hide the realities of what ive been through, it allowed them to but without rejecting and gave me the opportunitiy to face them. it will takes a couple more years till i can love myself and be loved again. theres no such thing as giving up. life is too beautiful - the evil - the good. its all too beautiful.

[@BoomTag]

While I reconnected with my parents over the last couple of years, I was taught that if you work you are 'healthy'. Because you do the thing that's expected of you. After being diagnosed with autism and add, coupled with divorced parents, trouble with saying goodbye and abuse, at 33 I still don't know what I want to do. Work burns me out so I spent most of my time alone at home trying out new things that I like, but I have great struggles finishing anything. People tell me I'm 'smart' but I feel quite the opposite. Where the fuck is my place in the world.... pure pain. I thought voice-over / voice actor work is my thing but emotions cut-off my voice completely far too often. On the next thing I guess. Stumbling through life

[@ahobimo732]

Psychology describes the problem very well, but for most of us, there is no solution. Stupidity, ignorance and cruelty are ubiquitous and eternal. The best we can do is endure.

[@justpassingby0]

Thank you so much for this video. It helps understanding the issue that is so complex and terrible. What a compassionate explanation of what truly takes place.

[@EvanWelch-vw5lh]

Is it possible to have complex trauma be caused by being shunned, ignored, mocked by peers? Because my family is pretty okay, they have their bumps, sure. I remember what hurt the most was everyone at school mocking me for years because I was a very emotionally sensitive kid, awkward, nerdy, the works. But the chameleoning? The putting on a mask around everyone? I do that, although to a lesser extent with my parents. My partner doesn’t even get the full me.

[@cococali6589]

i find my childhood fits right in the middle of these 2 types of experiences. trauma doesn't always mean inflicted upon but kinda is just life's boundaries. my genetic self won't ever back away from a good fight yet my environmental skills are well-tuned. #balance

[@TheAlexRhodes]

There's also people like me, who stubbornly stay authentic despite rejection and ridicule. Naturally it has left me isolated and alone most of the time, but at least I stand for truth and justice, unlike most of humanity.

[@heikeschubbert7710]

I have always lived in two often completely different worlds: managing the world outside me and at the same time protecting my real inner me. So I am very good in multitasking. In addition I am very adapted to being alone with my opinions on this life and world and as a consequence not in such a big danger of being manipulated by influences from outside. I am used to search for my own feelings and thoughts on topics. Thats very good especially in these times. Nowadays I thank God for my suffering experiences because they prepared and protected me.

[@AiNEntertainment101]

...if he wouldn't have used the term "unhealthy", I'd call this one a perfect clip of a lecture. As far as I can tell (after years of studying psychology, working my way through my own family history etc.), the currently established concepts and terminologies around "mental health" are deeply misguided and dangerous. Some of us are just more lucky, and others have to take way more challenging paths, but as long as our brains (and overall our whole organisms) are doing what they are supposed to do (incl. their reaction to what we call trauma), there is nothing unhealthy about anything we do. Every "journey" is part of human evolution. #period Staying in self-defense mode clearly is not a smart / sufficient strategy if we wanna live fulfilling lives. Feeling safe, seen and loved is wonderful and I'd wish all of us to feel like that as much and as often as possible. Adversity, challenges and trauma are important parts of our reality, though. Not only are they inevitable, but they are paramount to our growth. As I wrote in the beginning: I truly appreciate everything else explained in this clip. 🙂

[@neildarling2404]

I know I’m only a drop in the thank you bucket, but this man and these lectures have helped me more than many other counselors and therapists. And for FREE! THANK YOU, TIM! You and your group are really are doing Gods work on Earth!

[@lgg2304]

Ive experienced trauma watching my mother and sister get into full on fist fights when was around 8-10. Then my oldest brother attacking us all physically, mental and ultimately emotionally from my teens to my early 30's all the while my father sat there watching tv ignoring as much as he could. Now when I tell them, "we need professional help" they say, "ok we'll call on Monday" but Tues Wed come and go and they just sit there watching TV. Someone stole $55,000 out of their bank account for 2.5 years and recently someone stole their car. They just sit there watching TV. Smh

[@ScaleScarborough-jq8zx]

Oh, if only someone besides or in addition to myself could truly help me heal.

[@shareewilliams6967]

Jesus can help you heal. Look to Him as your source. Cast your cares on Him because He cares for you ( 1Peter 5:7). Jesus loves you and so do I. I will keep you in my prayers. Blessings and Shalom.

[@boyfmbalcatta]

What you are talking about is quite true, I also understand you generalised on reasons for complex trauma. I do believe you may have skimmed over or missed one other reason. I am referring to how you entered the world, your very early infancy. I speak from experience, 18 months in hospital, placed in an hospice, but survived; no parents till 3 years old. That starts you behind, lost, not understanding the basics. No amount of loving, understanding or natural gifts makes up for lost infancy. Playing catchup, being vulnerable to humiliation, misunderstanding and being picked over and over, one hides the person outside and never gets to find the real you.

[@marichiarra8495]

I wasn’t even raised by parents. I was raised in a cult here in the US. That’s why none of these ever fully describes me. But I think all humans go through everything he describes to some extent. If healing is the goal there will be nothing but disappointment. Just have to learn to integrate.

[@sharrk_34]

Amazing 10 minutes packed with nuggets. Thank you.

[@markberman6708]

I have complex trauma and complex PTSD... was raised in an amazing family with tremendous love and support from my parents. Told someone recently that 'knowing things' is trauma... always had wonder as a child and throughout my life and even when young cared little of what others thought, but secrets and the need to compartmentalize causes all sorts of issues. Lifelong mistrust of doctors, heh. Anyhoo, fascinating subject...

[@Wolf-Man88]

I love this! And then I got distracted by the drum kit in the background haha. I play drums so I was curious. Such a great video and I could relate so much. I felt like I wasn't allowed to be myself as a teenager and so I tried to be someone else for years and it almost cost me my life. I've finally embraced who I was always meant to be and I couldn't be happier 🙌🏽

[@Guided_Evolution]

I try so hard to figure all this out and yet I’m constantly stuck at having no idea what I care about. I feel like I’ve detached so much that it’s hard to let myself care. It hurts too much.

[@JohannaPalmer-uy3fz]

I believe God wants me to listen to this stuff to bring inner healing

[@DeliveranceIsReal]

I'm only just starting on this journey, it's a very layered process and I feel scared but I know that it's the only way.. I have to go to the root of my pain

[@Samdegraff]

Between you and Pete Walker, an excellent understanding of CPTSD and childhood trauma can be found. Thank you.

[@alexkizer639]

Whoever you are I believe in you!

[@ginnymobley8246]

thanks...so true...we weren't allowed to be ourselves...glad Im finally figuring that out...thanks for your help in that.

[@stregadisalem732]

What I find so frustrating is I constantly ask myself, why can’t I do things for me, because I’m motivated to help myself, why am I only productive in a state of anger or because the motivation is to meet the expectations of those around me? 😢 When I’m left to my own devices and I finally have the free time I so desire, I squander it or I’m overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to have to rely on mirroring a boyfriend or a husband who has healthy habits.

[@SeekingSoulace]

I would love to hear thoughts on this and self inquiry meditation which main question is “Who am I?” Ultimately finding that there is no self to claim as one’s own

[@FYMFLBISS1]

I've never thought about this, I have a huge problem with vulnerability and wearing armor. But I always told my "friends" my family was rich and made up stories about what my parents did for work when the truth was we were poor and only one parent working. I never knew why I made this up.

[@jewely9757]

There are plenty of dictator mothers, too.

[@annchenweidemann5694]

Indeed. Mine was the textbook example

[@leona2222]

All the women in my family

[@TrepidDestiny]

I haven't been screened for Complex Trauma, but I did have an unstable rough childhood. Currently in my mid 30's, and I "don't know who I am". I thought I did at one point, but that illusion was shattered in my early 20s. There are parts of me I know, like I know I'm creative, and I like to make things/be handy. Beyond that though, I can honestly say I have had no role models, nobody I've looked up to. No long term goals I'm striving for. I just put on a mask for the different social situations I'm in, then go home to be a blob. My partner is in a similar situation. I won't speak for her, but what I have observed is she grew up in a "helicopter parent" environment where her dad did everything for her, and planned everything out for her, which I think stifled her independence and sense of self worth.

[@laurelinlorefield318]

Being very high IQ also means you are very different and usually make others uncomfortable just by being yourself. You have to mask and be what others need you to be or you do without friends. Add some complex trauma and a parent who derives self-worth from your accomplishments and who cannot deal with your anger and doesn't permit it at all, and the chameleon and a dark side seem to be all you have. It takes some therapy and a lot of practice to feel safe enough to discover and be your authentic self.

[@Jessicahurst1]

So relatable ❤

[@willyjimmy8881]

I remember a show on TV when I was a kid called The Pretender. It's the 1st time I seen tv and thought yeah, this is the only way I can live my own life, I can relate to this guy. Not the covert ops stuff or the hero parts, just the idea of fitting in just enough to get through whatever thing I was doing. Just be close enough to regular people at work to not be noticed. Look enough like an experienced traveller at the airport to not stand out, or in a social environment, anything to be average enough that no one wants to know more about me or start a conversation. That was always my goal socially, just be enough like everyone else to be average and uninteresting.

[@amelioravictoriadionyssia3323]

I was lucky enough to have the time and space to properly digest my trauma and recognize that it is a part of me, and its an intimate piece of my journey and life. I genuinely think our society's attitude of basically trying to ignore trauma is dangerous because it ruins our concept of self in general. Rather, i think learning that Self is a dynamic presentation of psyche, and that its fundamentally illusory is helpful. You CANNOT fill the void at the center of your being. When you stop trying to fill it, the cycle of trying to do so will stop, and you will learn that the void is supposed to be there. Without it, you would be incomplete.

[@lightworker6298]

I am crying

[@Noora11_3]

Let us all cry together. Sending you hugs❤

[@yourworstfan]

That happens a lot for me these days. It's good to get it out.

[@Deelynn-woohoo]

I still know who I am, even though I have complex trauma- which was most likely caused on purpose to make me forget who I am.