CHILDISH MOMS: PETULANT/HISTRIONIC TYPE/EMOTIONALLY NEEDY

This video describes the untreated Petulant/Histrionic Type in Borderline Personality Disorder Types in Mothers, as well as the Emotionally Needy Type in Narcissistic Mothers. We also discuss the impact of parentification upon their children.
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1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA
(*This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.)
2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"
(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).
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[@tek3freak]

Many Silent Generation and older Baby Boomer parents parentified a good portion of GenX unfortunately. Hence, the need for videos like this. Thank you!

[@zsuzsuspetals]

I was 49 going on 50 before I fully recognized this. The funny thing is so many people around me could see it. Especially people who knew me as a child. Why is this? Why are so many of that generation like this? The thing is, now as seniors my parents are worse, not better.

[@tek3freak]

@@zsuzsuspetals I learned how extensive it was on TikTok. We had latch key kids, due to two working parents or single parents, across all socio-economic backgrounds, which would have require children to grow up sooner. But i have also observed that many Silent Generation's and older Boomers' parents (our grandparents) were extremely traumatized, and that trauma was passed down to our parents, so GenX had to raise themselves cuz their parents and extended family often were checked out with their own trauma. The positive is that GenX is trying hard to undo that trauma and not pass it down to their kids or to work with their kids to heal it if they passed it down.

[@tek3freak]

@Emily Mulligan They live for themselves and refuse to get help. Their children have all the responsibilty to reparent themselves. 😥

[@merrill5780]

This is my mother. This is me. I never knew parentification could be for emotional needs, not just housekeeping etc. This is her. Still her, at 93. Still me

[@tek3freak]

@@merrill5780 I hope you can find healing. Our relationships with our parents most likely won't change, but we can work on our self-care so we can undo the impact of being parentified

[@lilred00051]

This is my mother, a diagnosed borederline/npd. She made my life a living hell while simultaneously being my best friend. I remember an incident shortly before I went no contact. We were on vacation. I had fallen asleep on the rental cabin's sofa while we were watching tv and talking. She was so angry I dared to fall asleep while we were talking that she screamed in my face a litany of curse words before storming off and slamming her bedroom door. I was shaking and violently sick to my stomach despite pushing 40 and having gone through this countless times. It was only after I got cancer in my 30s that I realized that being her caretaker since I was 3 was going to literally kill me. She had had a minor stroke and got multiple psych tests at her ALF that determined she had co-morbid personality disorders and I got some answers. She was trying to get me to move her in with me to once again be her caregiver even though I was going through cancer treatment. I finally went no contact and I've NEVER regretted it. It saved my life because if the cancer didn't kill me, I'd probably has killed myself. Thank you so very much for these vitally important videos. Your own personal as well as professional experience also makes these videos even more impacting.

[@DrKimSage]

My god, you've been through it and I am so sorry, and also it's good to hear that you were able to choose yourself (and I'm guessing that was a long and hard road to even consider for yourself, let alone do). I am so happy you are here, and you are definitely not alone. Sending love and healing.❤

[@lilred00051]

@@DrKimSage Thank you so much for your kind reply. What you are doing is vitally important. I think if I knew about personality disorders and parental alienation I would have done something much sooner instead of losing my entire young adulthood. Sadly she has pushed everyone away and now lives alone in an ALF and I'm even now across the country. I still have to fight the guilt over that one. Thanks again and have a wonderful weekend!

[@JustEye_La]

My heart breaks for you. I am SO very sorry 😞

[@KBArchery]

I am so proud of you for doing this. I know to the outside world it looks cruel but these people will suck the very life out of you if you let them. I had to leave my ex for my own sanity and life. I remember looking at his picture before I escaped saying, “Loving you is killing me.”

[@kristinewalberg2938]

I truly Identify with everything you said, only with me, instead of cancer it’s Parkinson’s, MS and Fibromyalgia and depression, and I did end I moving back home and becoming my mom’s caretaker. Somehow I also ended up adopting and raising my sister’s child who has special needs, and now I’m in my sixties and spent my whole life looking after high maintenance people because I felt too guilty to say no.

[@briannaash92]

This is my exact situation. My mother is an adult child, nothing is ever her fault. I am one of eight children. I’m the eldest daughter. Parents divorced in second grade, I ended up raising my siblings because my mom was addicted to narcotics. I am late diagnosed autistic and have been diagnosed with c-ptsd. I am away from the danger for the first time in my thirty years and my body is starting to have panic attacks. It feels like I am having a heart attack. I can’t socialize with other people because I have no idea who I am outside of the caretaker role. I am so depressed and feel so voiceless. Thanks for the video. It at the very least provides people like myself more context to why we feel the way we do.

[@bloominbean]

Im awaiting an autism diagnosis. I have been the caretaker too. The shoulder to cry on, the protector. Now is a time for self compassion and self discovery. Building your own life that you're proud of. You don't need to look after anyone else in order to be loved. Just being yourself is enough. You are worthy of all the love and care you showed others. I know it's really tough. It doesn't get better over night. Sending you love. You deserve safety and kindness and a place to express yourself freely. 🧡🧡

[@djer05010401]

I relate to so much of this! I am finding my way through healing, and somatic techniques like trauma-release breath work and EFT tapping have helped with the panic attacks and general neurological regulation. I also found it really useful to learn more about polyvagal theory. Best of luck to you--you deserve to be happy and healthy and to heal from the trauma caused by this type of childhood! 💚

[@DrKimSage]

I am so sorry for all you've endured and I appreciate you sharing here...polyvagal therapies can be really helpful, alongside trauma work. Sending love and healing❤

[@DrKimSage]

@@djer05010401 Yes! All of these - thank you for sharing here and sending love and healing to you too!❤

[@troynunley8161]

Thanks for the post Brianna. I'm curious about the "panic attacks" you described, because I went through a similar situation... Long and short.. I was on the receiving end of a great deal of borderline abuse. On Jan 10, 2010 I had the first of what would be many such "attacks." It started in the heart ❤️, severe aching. Spread out from there, making it hard to breath🫁. Next, the nerves hit, convulsions began. All I could do was wait until it subsided. Eventually the repeated pressure was too much, my body broke down and I ended up in ER in May from sepsis. Nearly died. Here's the kicker... I frantically warned hospital staff in the ICU to protect me from my wife. It was Mother's Day😳, and I knew I could not devote attention to HER as she demanded. Initially, they pretended to take my concerns seriously. But then she showed up! And exploded in a predictable rage at my "complacence." Lucky for me, a nurse was within earshot of her tirade. I was on oxygen and IVs. Not much I could do for myself. Let me know if any of this sounds familiar. I have not heard of BPD generating panic attacks in anybody else before.

[@lilcherryblossom]

I was the parentified one in my family. Always taking care of my mom, from making her coffee and bringing it to her before I went to school to being the “nurse” when she was sick when I was younger. I was always on eggshells in my teenage years around her. I never told her when I was being bullied in school because she had enough stress, she didn’t need my problems too. Now that I’m older, I still fall into the care taker role, but it comes with much more anger and resentment. I rage clean if mom declares she is coming to visit. I don’t want to be apart of family activities. I just want my privacy and solitude.

[@DrKimSage]

I am so sorry, that is so much for a child and yes, you deserve a life of your own choosing. Sending love and peace your way ❤

[@Fourwindsofsuccess]

I know this feeling. The rage is something serious to. That’s why it’s best to go no contact with them permanently. I always wanted to runaway from home and keep running until I never see any one related to me. I don’t want to be around relatives or live near them or visit them. I’m fine with them passing away without attending funerals to. I have come to terms with that.

[@SaRaHSaLiX]

I too know this feeling. The thought of my mother entering my space sends me into panic

[@Daisy.Mohajane]

Wow me too

[@Ineffable_ponds]

I’ve been in therapy for a year now and I still worry about my mom like she’s my kid. She’s very emotionally immature and my therapist says she has narcissistic traits. I worry much more about how she is doing than she does about me. I’m working very hard on becoming my own self in my 30s. After spending my life making sure she was okay, now I’m having to teach myself how to care about me.

[@DrKimSage]

Yes it is ok to care about you❤🙏

[@randomcrap4230]

This is my life exactly. I had a weird, creepy "epiphany" last year that my entire life had been set up to revolve around my mother when I realized all of a sudden that all of my friends were telling stories about their partners and careers and kids and friends, and every story of mine always seemed to start with "My mom said..." or "Yeah, I was gonna take my mom to that..." or "I can't go there, my mom has ____ that day." And I realized that has been my entire life ever since I can remember: taking care of my mom's needs. I was diagnosed with anxiety at 8 years old because I was having stomach aches and headaches so much I would often throw up and end up in the nurse's office almost every day in 3rd grade, to the point the school was concerned enough that they told my mom that I couldn't return without a doctor's note. Of course, my mom was enraged that "my teacher was so horrible that her 8 year old has anxiety about going to school!" Of course it couldn't be because my mom was pulling g*ns on my dad at night and firing b**let's through my bedroom wall because he came home at 8pm instead of 7 pm, or because she was constantly telling me how "I can finally un@liv€ myself now that you are old enough to remember me" as she was dropping me off at school in the mornings, or screaming at me because traffic and bills exist and those things must somehow be the fault of an 8 year old child rather than something she as an adult just has to learn to manage better. If you ask her, she is the world's most perfect mother who never did any wrongs and both her kids are just making things up to attack her. Lol But ever waking second of my life was spent trying to mold my life around preventing her tantrums and taking care of her....to the point I was doing HER job that SHE gets paid for for her on top of working my own full time job, spending my days off running her around to her doctor appointments and running her errands for her. I remember so many times expressing that I was tired and/or depressed, and all she could say in response was "But you have to take care of me." When I had COVID at the beginning of this year even, I was so sick and tired in bed that even walking to the bathroom was exhausting to me, and all she did was throw a fit because I wouldn't get out of bed to go get her packages off the porch and bring them to her out in the RV in the back yard where her sugar daddy and I put her while I was contagious so she didn't have to walk 30 feet to do it herself. (She has early COPD and an aortic aneurysm so she is pretty high risk) Then she threw a fit because I was too tired and sick and...oh yeah...CONTAGIOUS ...to go do HER part time cleaning job for her that week. She will stomp around and throw things and blast music while I'm trying to sleep because I refused to stop in morning rush hour traffic and pick up McDonald's for her on my way home from a 16 hour overnight shift from hell so she didn't have to drive 6 blocks to go do it herself. Very much that me-me-me 5 year old child mentality. It's so gross coming from a 69 year old woman who is perfectly capable of handling these things on her own. A subject came up in an online support group I'm in the other day about how old we think our mothers are emotionally/developmentally. I think my mom is maybe 5. She still has no grasp of emotions or regulating them, still has raging tantrums when something makes her mad and screams and throws/hits things until she tires herself out for a nap afterward. Still keeps score of every good thing she ever does so she can use it as leverage to get a reward (her way lol) later. If you don't want to do something her way, she will take her ball and go home to try to make sure your fun is ruined. Her thought processes are so incredibly juvenile that sometimes I think she's kidding at first because I honestly can't fathom a grown ass adults saying something so idiotic with any sense of seriousness. Lol

[@mandarinadreux9572]

That sounds like hell. I'm so sorry yoz had to go through this. I'd say, leave this woman. You deserve your own life for yourself. She's stolen enough of your time!

[@WeRNthisToGetHer]

I can't believe it took me as long as it has to recognize how toxic, cruel, and emotionally immature my mom is. I always took it on myself and assumed I needed to change somehow. It wasn't until these last few years (42 in two days) that I realize there is no pleasing her and if I were to do or be whatever she expects of me, it would just piss her off because I wasn't supposed to reach the goal. It was made unreachable on purpose. She wants to be unhappy and wants me to be unhappy to prove her point that she was right about everything - that I am inherently wrong. I'm punished for existing because any autonomy I have is a personal affront to her and an act of disobedience. It never occurred to me that a mother could actually be jealous of her own daughter or intentionally deprive them of the chance to thrive. That is such an unnatural thing to me. I would never feel that way about my own children or any child, for that matter. I believed it must be something wrong with me and that I would eventually be able to fix it, somehow. I'm learning about narcissistic abuse and doing everything I can to get out of this toxic codependent relationship. She literally kept me her prisoner my entire life and I thought one day I would prove my independence and competence because that is what any loving parent wants for their offspring. That is apparently not the case, as I understand now. My mom is not a loving parent at all and NEVER was. It had nothing to do with me or my brother like she always claimed and still does. She NEVER wanted us to have autonomy or success for some reason. She INTENTIONALLY sabotaged every opportunity I had to be autonomous and healthy because she sees me as her personal property and an extension of her. Success would give me too much freedom that she cannot allow for some reason. For the longest time I told myself it's just my imagination and she isn't doing it on purpose, until I started learning about narcissists, especially the insidious covert narcissist parent, and it all started to make sense. If only I had understood this long ago, I could have saved myself, however, I don't think I was capable of accepting that. The idea of such a thing was so distressing and traumatic that I needed to believe my mom really loved me and didn't mean to be so abusive and controlling. I'm under no such delusion now. I used to see her as a saint and now I realize she was and is one of the most malignant and abusive people in my life and the biggest threat to my mental and physical health. I was sexually abused by my father and step grandfather as a child that she never protected me from, even when she found out, but nothing they did caused as much harm as her subtle slow consistent suffocation and the chipping away at my self-esteem. It did damage, but I got away from them. I never could get away from my mother's control and I am still not, but I am getting there and will never look back when I am finally unplugged. It took realizing that my mom doesn't actually love me to heal, ironically. I kept holding onto the hopeful delusion that she means well, but the more healthy and independent I become the more her true natural comes out. I don't even know this woman anymore. The woman I believed hung the moon is now a monster to me. I don't want to resent her, I just want to get away from her and never allow her to drag me back into her clutches ever again. I don't even think she'll ever allow herself to believe she did anything wrong and will likely go to her grave telling herself that somehow she's a victim of ungrateful children who were just bad seeds. It certainly wasn't her fault that they turned out so rotten. She's the victim somehow, no matter what.

[@carolynkepler2826]

My mother’s emotional peak was 18. I have a similar story about Christmas. Whenever she didn’t get her way, she would throw a tantrum and scream at my stepfather about wanting a divorce. She was never wrong and thought apologizing was a sign of weakness. I grew up worrying about her because she so unstable. My stepfather developed a rare form of dementia and had to be committed to the state hospital. I felt responsible for taking care of her.I never married or had children. I was too exhausted to take care of anyone else.

[@RS54321]

Wow, the part about transmitting that only bad things happen is my mom's MO. She always views things through a negative lens and my childhood was entrenched with that (it massively affected my romantic relationships). Oddly, though, when I express my upset about something going on in my life that I'm struggling to deal with, her answer is 'there's no use worrying about it/things will work out.'

[@bloominbean]

Thanks for this one. I exhausted myself looking after everyone. Worrying about everyone. I convinced myself that I couldn't have kids because I was already exhausted, I didn't want to pass on all the trauma and I think deep down I thought I'd be a bad mother. Having hit my rock bottom and being in therapy it's an idea that's starting to open up for me. I hope it's not too late. I want my own traditions, my own way of life that doesn't revolve around my families chaos. Something to work towards. 🧡

[@allies9788]

I had this fear too, but raising my children has been really healing for me and I feel like while I never had a good example of how to be a mom, I do have the best role model of the type of mom I DON'T want to be. My therapist recently said some I found so profound - "I became the mother I always wanted." I hope you continue your journey of healing - there is hope and it gets easier!

[@bloominbean]

@@allies9788 Thank you. I understand totally what your therapist said. I have a lot of qualities that would make me a good parent. I've been doing it all my life 😅 I just need to believe in myself more. It's difficult when I grew up around people who constantly criticised me. But now I know they are emotionally stunted heavily enmeshed individuals. Faith in myself and my abilities is going to be key. I'm so glad raising children has been healing for you 🧡

[@DrKimSage]

I love the healing process and insight you are sharing here- thank you. So many of our responses can just be against what we had, but that can limit us from a life we want to choose.❤

[@DrKimSage]

@@allies9788 I love this too and yes!! I agree with your therapist! Thank you for sharing!❤

[@DrKimSage]

@@bloominbean ❤❤

[@marisamarino7596]

I have zero memories of my mom playing with me. Zero.

[@deniseclaeys8295]

I have zero memories of my mom ever holding me. I do remember a babysitter holding me once.

[@knit1purl1]

My mother couldn't handle normal child behavior. I had birthdays where she screamed at me all day because she couldn't stand a day all about me. My mother also never exhibited her behavior with my bio-dad. She could not have got by with it. But when she married my extremely passive and enabling stepfather, she want nuts. My mother never knew and would have never acknowledged or admitted what she did to her children. What she did to me and how my life has been. But your kitty, OMG! ❤🥰😻

[@lem8081]

You described my mum to a T. What you said about being a captive audience in childhood and having very conflicting feelings for the childish mother made me feel so validated. Thank you infinitely

[@GypsyInThirteen]

The codependency my gramma created was major and she infantilized my mother well into her 60s. Now I see how toxic this cycle has been like never before (one epiphany about it ain’t enough), and it’s very hard to cut the cords and change the dynamic because it’s a ancestral pattern. May we all find liberation from these lineages of pain and confusion and stifled existence.

[@kristinewalberg2938]

This hits home so strongly. My mom (a single parent from the Silent Generation) could be wonderful in many ways. At her best, she was loving, kind, funny and enjoyable to be around, which ended up being about 70% of the time. At her worst she was sulky, quick to become enraged, quick to be offended, used guilt as a weapon and parentified both my sister and me at an early age. She got furious any time something didn't go exactly the way SHE wanted.. The worst part of it was, I never knew which one I'd be getting day-by-day or moment-to-moment, to the point that I ended up with CPTSD, hypervigilance and clinical depression by the time I was 11.

[@areuarealman7269]

Wow I got opposition deficit disorder locked up with crazy folk and rehab followed by a group home with gang bangers in public school I got off easy I guess .

[@dieresis9]

Learning to care for myself is a life-long project. I focus now on activities that help ground me in the present moment: nature walks, fun reading, spending time with good friends immersed in conversation.

[@mandarinadreux9572]

You talked about developing avoidant attachment as a reaction to having been parentified as a child. I definitely developed that. I'm 29 now and I've always wanted to have a family but I feel like I wouldn't be able to handle having to be a parent again. I feel so burnt out from it. I guess it's normal to need time to heal after leaving this family system. And I've only felt less broken in the last 2 years. I feel like I'm at the same sort of stage of development as someone who's 21. I've lost so much of my teenage and early adolescence years cause I was just so lost and couldn't really be an adult yet. I'm wondering if I'll ever be at a point where I could have a family, have my own children etc. I hope I won't be too old. It's weird. I'm saddened by the fact that I'm not at the point where I'd hoped to be but I guess I must also forgive myself and accept that I had a more difficult start to life and I needed that time to heal my broken inner child. You know, when I saw a healthy loving mother-daughter relationship portrayed like on tv or something, I always had to cry my eyes out cause it made me sad that I'd never had that. I felt really lonely then. Does anyone relate?

[@LizVerkannt]

I can 100% relate. 35 now and I still don't feel ready to be a mother yet because of it. On top I developed a severe autoimmune disease. I had 4 psycho therapies but it feels so slow. Healing is still so far away

[@allies9788]

Wow. I grew up with a borderline mother and I've never seen a video or heard anyone speak about an experience that is so exactly like my own with my mom. I have since cut her out of my life completely after being her emotional punching bag for 30+ years and getting away from her is the best thing I ever did for myself. It makes me sad to know there are other mothers out there just like mine because it was more difficult than most can understand or imagine - clearly you get it though. This video is really validating for me so thank you! For me the hyper vigilance in both my mind and body has been so hard to overcome even with EMDR. Any tips to stop the overwhelming feeling of impending doom?

[@DrKimSage]

I am so sorry you understand and I believe there are so many more like us. I love body healing therapies and techniques that specifically focus on regulating your nervous system...polyvagal therapies, yoga, mind and body work, somatic therapies❤

[@miaaa333_x]

I’m so sorry you went through this. I’m currently trying to find a way to move out by making as much money as possible. I have had enough

[@allwellandgood8547]

Dr Sage your videos are such a huge support and resource.🙏 Last night i returned from visiting my home county to say fairwell to my dying nan. My mother is caring for her at home but is my mother everything you describe in this video. It explains why she abandoned me when I was young but in adulthood why I always feel I have to be the parent. It is heartbreaking to be at a distance and see my lovely nan decline whilst knowing she has someone so unstable and immature emotionally caring for her. My mother expects me to arrange things that should have been put in place some time ago. To do this from a distance of 3 hrs away is somehow safer for me but also so hard to navigate and understand if what I am being told is reality or through whichever difficult filter she is experiencing life that day. It leaves me feeling depleated, helpless and frustrated at a time that would be sad in a healthy family. When my nan passes and I have no ties other than my mother there, I am considering cutting off the relationship or completing distancing to avoid having to be her bill organiser/mediator/emotional sounding board for anymore of my life. Thank you, your content helps me make sense of it all ❤️

[@DrKimSage]

I am so sorry about your nan and sending love to you today.❤❤🙏

[@allwellandgood8547]

@@DrKimSage ❤️❤️

[@jemmaberry8149]

I have been my mother's mother for as long as I remember. And it is only getting worse. I have finally started loving myself and working towards MY LIFE and she is becoming more needy than ever. I worry about her every minute of the day and feel so much guilt when I take some time away from her. It is a constant battle with myself more than anything. She is so sick at the moment I am doing nearly everything for her. I wish she would take some responsibility for her own well being. I am exhausted and broken.

[@tab_b]

I am in the same situation. My mother is insufferable. She now lives with me due to her 3rd stroke. She didn’t take care of herself and manage her diabetes and she smoked like a train for pretty much her entire life. Now she’s my total responsibility bc I’m an only child. I resent her so much. It’s so unfair.

[@julieh1160]

You are such a blessing!! Thank you for validating us and putting a voice to our feelings. The way you explain it all puts a jumbled mess of feelings, frustrations, anger confusion and brings it all to light. So we can actually start to heal. Thank you ❤️

[@erincoatney5151]

I dated a guy 10 years older than me that didn’t talk to me for a whole weekend of being together and acted like a jerk bc I guess I didn’t offer to serve him his food first and served his family before him. He was so repulsive!!! I wish I could undo dating him and all the mental health issues that came with it and after.

[@jaysilverstone7221]

I am 61, my mum 83 and I am currently realizing at the deepest level that the love will never come, it's not going to happen, ever and I am feeling absolutely bereft. My dad passed last year at 92 and he was a malevolent narcissist, a man-child that needed constant mothering. Betwèen them they tormented to the cusp of self-denial. My life has been stripped of all sense, I am exsausted. It was an open marriage, there was hard core pornographic imagery of my mum that I was exposed to. I find bits of satisfaction, but I haven't managed to hold jobs , I haven't had intimate relationship, they kept me out of all family functions, they even had me sectioned with no diagnosis and would have happily had me heavily medicated for the rest of my life. This stuff is real. Thank you for the content

[@mommalion7028]

Run away and don’t look back. ❤ you owe her nothing.

[@dwilliams21]

Another excellent presentation. That whole "having to read everyone all the time to prevent a blow-up"....yup!

[@kristalynn2237]

I love it when a clinician truly gets it and understands the dynamics ❤❤❤❤

[@spriggy4382]

This was SO EYE OPENING 😲 I can't thank you enough, Dr. Sage!

[@kristinewalberg2938]

As a little sideline, thank you so much for making these videos. There were soo many things I didn't understand before I started listening to you. Thank you for your wisdom and understanding..

[@ehill1229]

OMG! You hit it on the head!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! I'm not alone. You described both my parents perfectly!

[@DrKimSage]

You are definitely not alone!!❤

[@TheBestBestiesEver1]

When the kids are watching this instead of the parents, you know it's a red flag 😭

[@RS54321]

Your home looks so soft and calming. Love your sweet furbabies!

[@djer05010401]

I think this sums up how to describe my mother better than I've ever been able to. If anyone ever wants to understand what she's like, I'll just send them this video. What a helpful resource, thank you!

[@DrKimSage]

You are so welcome❤

[@rosiesullivan2604]

👏👏👏♥️ Thanks Dr Sage I really appreciate all your thoughtfulness sensitivity plus visuals in your videos. A picture conveys a thousand words. I need to process a bit further, but I got it, and am truly grateful. Your so right in your consideration on the topic at hand, its oh so true for me. Yep working on ourself its never too late. Thanks for your hard work. Bravo !!! Well done 😁💃♥️

[@randomcrap4230]

Side note: thanks for the "therapy" pet tour!!!!! Cupcake's tongue and Coco's toe beans brightened my day! 🥰 I always jokingly (half jokingly? Lol) say that I like animals better than most humans, and I'm coming to realize that is likely because no animal has ever screamed at me and degraded me the way the humans in my life have. Huh. Weird. Lol

[@rachelhartwig1]

This hit home so hard.😢😢😢 I have never been so seen and heard as much as I had in watching this video.

[@minervaschwartzbaum2792]

I love your channel so much, Dr. Kim! Thanks for sharing such good information with us! 💖 P. S., That random little shot of the dogs was just too cute! 😂🐶

[@Fourwindsofsuccess]

All the women in my maternal side have issues with their daughters. My aunt abused her daughters and mistreated them. My mother kicked me out our home, emotionally neglectful, ignores my feelings, tries to be in competition, and she only cares about herself tbh. My grandmother which is my mother is a toxic old lady to who’s still here alive low key.

[@arleneestevezart]

I’m so glad I found your channel. Thank you 🙏🏼❤

[@EarthToCarlen]

Thank you. I am so grateful I found your channel! Hi Cupcake and Bella!

[@evaivanova9731]

This video touched my heart, thank you so much!

[@miaalbert7155]

This video really hit home for me. Thank you ❤️ My mother is no longer alive and I miss her terribly but I’m so aware now of the child she acted like in so many ways. I literally can’t remember a day that I did not care take her, my dad and my 4 brothers (that she favored) btw. I was never celebrated or even considered so I grew up with a feeling of I don’t matter. Horrible to find this out now at 57 but grateful I have a starting point to build and grow from. I knew I was wounded and had a chaotic 💩 show environment but was never aware of this until now.

[@tarathreesix9327]

Very validating and it explains so much. Thank you

[@JustEye_La]

Our son's biological mom has been clinically diagnosed with this. I FEEL for the children of these moms. My sincere prayers are for your journey, your healing recovery 🙏 ✨️

[@LizVerkannt]

Thank you

[@lorishu48103]

Emotional abuse should be a crime

[@danielleparillo1910]

This was a very helpful post. Thank you so much! 🙂

[@dgvfsa66]

My mother is completely under the control of my narcissistic sister. On very rare occasion, I have attempted to break through her 3 year old mind. She doesn't scream like the baby you showed. Instead, she stands, hangs her head and stares at the ground, holds her hands together, and literally folds her body into the size and shape of a 3 year old. It is so bizarre. I hug her and tell her everything's okay. Then by the next time I see her again, my sister has done her covert narc routine, and I'm back to ground zero. Finally, I went no contact 6 years ago. I just couldn't take it anymore. Wish I had done it 40 years ago.

[@tatijenee5796]

This was great, very helpful

[@leanneb9111]

Thank you so much for your enlightening work. Every week you bring something good and healing into my life. After years of therapy. and self love I still cannot rid myself of the feeling of impending doom in all aspects of my life. Could you maybe talk about this? Thank you again. Love and light.

[@DrKimSage]

You are so welcome and yes, that is such a great topic and I will find a way to work it in soon. Sending love and light back❤

[@SpicyLimon4723]

Thank you, you are amazing, also your tree looks like ours 💕 love the pink color!!

[@DrKimSage]

Yay! Love a pink tree - it's my first and i am never going back lol💗💗

[@charlottemckenzie5259]

Oh yes my mom was born in 1950, it might be a generational thing. Also my grandma, mom, and other female relatives were molested by my great grandfather. It seems like severe trauma really play into PD

[@charlottemckenzie5259]

Btw your Christmas trees so gorgeous it's basically the most beautiful Christmas tree I've ever seen I like the frosted branches and the pastel globes

[@yadavkomal]

Sometimes the best thing you can do is not to hold other people's disappointments especially not from a place of vulnerability. You are responsible only when you're coming from a place of accountability. Let people deal with their disappointments and grow! To contain yourself in such situations is the highest humanitarian act you can do

[@Private_Pookie]

Food clothing and shelter are basic surface level things that you have to provide as a parent but children need sooo much more that will help them in their development. I wish more parents knew that

[@sallysprinkle5127]

Oh no! Not worried! Too angry at the neglect and abuse I received.

[@ioanaanghel2975]

Thank you for this, it really hits home. My mom was a victim of narcissistic abuse growing up and she enmeshed with me saying “I never wanted you to feel like I felt” but she was and still is so wounded, desperate for affection, unstable and fearful that she ended up being taken care of by me all her life and I love her and resent her at the same time. I realize that I actually didn’t have a mom, she always wanted to be my best friend. And all I wanted was a mom. Do you have any advice for me in trying to navigate raising my autistic son in a healthy way? I hate my emotional neediness and my anger, it comes out every day and it just adds to the wound, seeing how now my wound is affecting my child.

[@annmarygarcia1321]

I don't have any advice as I'm just new to learning why I'm so messed up. Just feel blessed that you have learned this while still raising your son. All of mine are grown and it's probably too late. Although I believe my oldest is a narcissist herself. And has horrific jealousy issues especially against my youngest. She is a lot like my mother.

[@fishiefish2249]

im not a parent and nowhere near the age of one, still in school, but i guess that just validates my advice more since its from the perspective of a child- just be patient. anger is red hot and will make you want to let go before it burns you and it’ll make you want to lash out but for your child, you have to hold it in and nurture it into something more gentle, something softer and give it to your child in the form of a lesson/advice. turn what couldve been a one-sided yelling match into a seriously delivered but not loud-voiced lesson on what they did wrong and how it could hurt people in the future. be there for your child but don’t be the only one if there are other options. when they go to school your child will have friends if you raised them to be a kind person, and those friends will be there for them and if you’re told to drop an issue, drop it. only pick it back up if it prevails for a month or more. your child should see you as a mother, not a friend or an opponent in life. you shouldn’t be something they have to gain or earn or overcome, you should just be there.

[@ioanaanghel2975]

@@fishiefish2249 oh hey, thank you for your reply and perspective, I totally forgot I wrote this! 11 months later and we made amazing progress, my son taught me to have true patience and our days are filled with fun and joy and games. There are some darks days still, but the happiness of day to day routine with my son and all the beautiful small moments we have together are really shining through. Wishing you good luck in school and in life❤️

[@franciscamoramira9929]

Your videos are by far amazing I have not enough words to thank you for sharing this information with all of us daughters of BPD mothers🙏🙏❤🙏 ❤ i would love if you could talk with a mic because sometimes the audio gets a little difficult to understand specially for those like me who aren’t english native speakers

[@MaryH48]

I love your content. Thank you for sharing this knowledge with the world. I kindly suggest to upgrade the sound quality/microphone to get rid of the echo.

[@DrKimSage]

Thank you and yes, I had camera issues and that somehow messed up my sound and once i realized it - it was too late or there would be no vid this week! I do have a rhode mic but i think my wood floors also might need to be addressed! Thank you so much for being here!❤

[@nora721_]

My mom always comes off as so sweet to others yet isn't able to form real relationships with anyone. She goes through life needing validation from others in such an overly emotional way. Somehow I'm always the only person in her corner and its exhausting now that I'm an adult. Also now I noticed how her emotional immaturity is the reason her finances are terrible and this also constantly affects me. Can't wait to graduate college and move out. My father was always the bad guy growing up and now he's the one who helps me feel sane, thank god I have him.

[@gal2463]

Thank you!! Love the pets.

[@totalwomanja9105]

Thank you for sharing.

[@SinaLaJuanaLewis]

This is so so so huge!! I identify with all of this😭😭

[@thedandadda2609]

You've got good content

[@katekennedy2320]

Thank you for this. I'm trying to find a licensed mental health professional like yourself, who has well formulated concepts on things like this. My mother is a severe narcissist. Among other things. I can't diagnose her but I lived with a monster in hiding my whole life. She was cheating on my father while he was dying. anyway thank you again. I think I found a good content creator.

[@ajjdarklord]

My ex is just so bad with her BPD that my own mother did not get to see her last grandbaby for 4 1/2 years and then she passed away. She has not seen any of her family that bears her last name mine I have learned much about it living with someone who has it, but it’s just horrible what I’ve been through. Thank you for this video.

[@rachelkey3637]

Your pets are SOOO gorgeous. I love having my cat around...

[@Tarotlynx]

I feel stressed and contemptuous. I've always hated human babies (in marked contrast to baby kittens, whom I adore). Something about them repels me. Having to parent and try to keep on a sane course my own mother, who loved to throw screaming fits over anything and everything, yet expected me to cater to her and serve her while screaming every hateful and cruel thing at me she could think of. And she could get worse. For roughly 40 years, that was my life, no matter what I tried. She always came first because if she didn't, it would be WW3. And you are correct. Bad things happen all the time. Good things don't really happen much. Life is just an unnecessary endurance test until one finally is granted the courtesy of its cessation.

[@randomcrap4230]

Do we have the same mom?

[@Tarotlynx]

@@randomcrap4230 I don't think so, but you have my full sympathy.

[@merrill5780]

Same. Anxious and I never liked human babies either. Part of it was I didn't want anyone else to see me as vulnerable enough to be affected by a baby. If I showed any enjoyment, it'd get used against me.

[@sassierover]

I feel the same about human babies.. not sure why. My mom was histrionic, my ex husband narcissistic. Sadly I’m more at home around unpredictable people. I’m working on figuring it out.

[@Fourwindsofsuccess]

@0:01 - 0:14 and that would’ve been the last time she ever came around my home, contacted me, seen my family, and been near my existence. That would’ve been a cut off and permanently no contact. They love to flip it on to you that you’re the bad person, you’re the disobedient child and ungrateful child who gets on their nerves or they’ll just ignore your emotions/pains. Just a really emotionally immature narcissistic attention seeking ones or the “woe is me” narcissistic ones. She was jealous of you and you needed to go no contact.

[@julianaandersson8703]

Self harm is a energy diffuser... the messed up interactions get pent up and that energy pressure needs to be released somehow

[@prakrutmoon]

Thank you...💛

[@asdf4678z]

Don't forget codependent parents. People often think of codependents as doormats. People don't realize that codependents can also be emotionally abusive and volatile, unpredictable and neglectful, inconsistent and destructive.......

[@charlottemckenzie5259]

It sounds like my mom but my mom isn't as severe but not far off. Doctor says thank you for all these amazing videos

[@black_velvet_cat]

thank you

[@JD-zl2ec]

Gosh my wife left with our 9 month old when her aunt arrived the moment the travel ban was lifted. They were supposed to spend some time away. What I didn’t know was that her mom funded an attorney and she filed for dissolution and rather then discuss it she pushed therapy which she never did attend. Instead she used my getting therapy as a way to build a stronger case for custody and by the time I got notified thirty days later, she had already gotten the courts to award her full custody. She had no intention of co-parenting and it became very obvious by her actions as she ended up moving back to her mothers in the uk with our girl who will be two in Feb. it’s been a very difficult year, mom doesn’t even send me a photo of my baby , zero nothing , it’s beyond belief and unimaginable. Gosh. Very sad.

[@hereweare9173]

This is my silent generation mother and myself. As a teenager, I made straight A’s, was modeling, getting awards. It was during this time, she would ignore me for days. I was too bright and shiny as my teenage self for her histrionic personality. By my early twenties, after so much of her behaviors, I learned to play small. Sadly, I still play small. I wish I could heal myself. I have to tiptoe around her. Can’t upset her. Have dealt and am still dealing with her smear campaigns. Unfortunately, she’s getting older and wants me to move back to take care of her. I worry I will be playing small forever…Yesterday, she told me how my female cousins mistreated their mom (exaggeration/I’m left to wonder what really happened). I would like to reclaim that teenage girl that was shiny, bright.

[@shaunaleessnackidies]

What was the image you had flash for a split second w the newborn image? It was incredible fast but I saw it when rewinding.

[@waterywatermelon]

I turn 27 this year and didn’t realize how immature my mom was until I matured myself. When I was younger we were a match for immaturity, as I grew I began to let her bullshit roll off my back. As I’ve come into adulthood I now see that she doesn’t understand a lot of things and has to constantly be guided through her life by me and my siblings and anyone that gets close to her. She got a divorce recently and can’t cope with being on her own and she she grasps to other people ESPECIALLY my older brother and it makes me feel bad for him because he just wants to be her son, not a replacement for a husband. She has a lot of breakdowns, and her being my mom I always want to help but I truly don’t know what to do. She messed up my childhood and now expects me to be her therapist, overshares with me, and I have learned not to share my resentment with her because I’m not sure if I’ll get the sappy emotional side or the angry mean side of her. Neither is preferred. At the same time I worry about her because she is so unstable. Not all interactions are bad, and when they’re good I always have a nice feeling after. But I can’t help but notice everytime we talk it’s all about her, her life, her pain, her complaints, the guys she’s dating, and if I share any part of my life she doesn’t have much to say and quickly changes the subject back to her. Its exhausting and frustrating. It’s like she has the least bit of interest with what I have going on in my life unless it relates to her. She always says “you’re just like me!” And it makes me want to throw up because it’s not true. It’s just her warped narrative. Naturally we all take away traits from our parents, and learn how to deal with emotions through them,but god forbid I become that self obsessed, ignorant, and sad when I grow old. Her recent divorce isn’t finalized yet, and I was hoping being alone would help her grow, but at this point I just want her to find a man in hopes she will stop emotionally sucking the life out of everyone else. I don’t want to do the emotional gymnastics with her anymore, it’s like she’s constantly trying to persuade me to forgive her for my childhood. I don’t think it works like that and it’s easier to get along with her when it’s surface level.

[@JustEye_La]

The comments on here hurt my soul. I'm praying for each and everyone of you. Pl keep speaking out. Society props moms up to be the sacred cow . My generation ( X) suppressed it & now these ppl are very messed up adults.

[@eliseta4232]

I wish you can do the waif🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

[@JesusSaves77799]

Hi, it is a little difficult to hear you in this video. It sounds like there is a white noise maker on in the background?

[@eatnplaytoday]

My mom and dad made my older sister take care of her younger siblings. She was carrying both me and my brother as a ten year old child and she accidentally dropped me (the baby). She grew up to be very resentful of me and I never knew exactly why she hated me so much. It was cause my parents made her parent instead of taking responsibility for themselves

[@thewallflower7483]

I just feel sad/bad for the baby and want to pick him/ her up 😢

[@katydid594]

I really want to watch your video Dr Kim, but am having a difficult time focusing on your message. I have lots of sensitivities and dysregulation from a lifetime of abuse. The audio quality coupled with the background are too much for my nervous system to handle right now.

[@t_nels]

When I look at someone like Amber Heard I wouldn't immediately think of her wanting to be parented, but instead taken care of. When I think about one of my daughters in trying to understand, I wonder if this is hidden for a long time until they have a family?

[@insertclevernicknamehere7637]

I wanted to ask - about that moment with compulsive caretaking and crying baby. My mom has very much the traits described but my reaction is something opposite to what you quoted and so many people on here relate to. I have developed very intense hatred of people who i deem incompetent/not self sufficient enough. Apparently (according to my therapist) it's also the root for why i hate young children so much but seem to have no problem with teens. Is it possible to have that kind of opposite reaction? It's just weird bc i never seen anyone with that reaction that i could relate to

[@dgvfsa66]

YES YES YES! I totally agree with everything you said. I am so disgusted by "parents" who allow their children to scream in public places, (like restaurants, stores, etc) until they get their way. My dad would have loaded us all back in the car and left in the middle of the meal. And/or given us "the look." We knew how to behave because we knew there were consequences. Not only can I not stand children, I have even less respect for their so-called parents.

[@spriggy4382]

You were never given grace so it's no wonder you don't know how to either. Healing begins by giving yourself the grace you never got💜

[@dgvfsa66]

@spriggy4382 I don't need a lecture on giving grace. I am one of the most caring person you will ever meet. This forum is to uplift, not tear down. I can go visit my mother if I want to feel bad about myself.

[@meowmeow1stgen668]

Dr Sage I want to buy your courses but I don’t know which one to get? They both apply to me

[@DrKimSage]

I understand and would feel the same way! I know there are major diffs in the cost too - but I can say that i created them to target similar but diff issues. The one on having parents with BPD/NPD is extremely comprehensive - and has a ton of targeted info and healing on what to do (and also talks about inner child work) while the other course is more designed for just healing your inner child and parent no matter what type of parents you had....hope that helps and sending love and healing.❤

[@AG-M23]

This is my mother in law. I'm almost 40 y.o. and recently she has giving my husband and me the silent treatment and then she kidnapped our kids to sat us down for the "verdict" of what we have done to her and how we hurt her feelings. We weren't complying to her plans that she never discussed with us and were not good. Filming different scenes for the wedding party in someone elses house, still waiting for those persons to arrive to join us. She still doesn't talk to me. The problem is she doesn't know how to communicate and her will must be done. Always. It is a huge dissapointment where we used to have a good relationship, but now when she treated us like bad little kids and her behaving like a three year old with a tantrum, made the relationship difficult. She doesn't communicate. What do I have to do have a good time for everyone on my sister in laws (her princess daughter) wedding this week?

[@julieh1160]

My God!!! This is me and my relationship w my mother to a T!!

[@user-mj1ht1tw2w]

Merci bien

[@Riyaaaa__621]

So here's my mother's story: I never got motherly love from her. She's always negative. She made my father's life hell. She's anxious depressed idk what other mental health condition she's suffering from. Now she emotionally blackmail me that I shouldn't go out of the house. I can't go anywhere. My studies are suffering because I hardly go to college now. I'm tired of this. 😢😢😢😢😢😢

[@kimbo3497]

I need help/ advice.. my mother is my best friend and I have always been her keeper. As I have gotten older I see things she does and it has come to point I don’t speak to her as much because she is draining my energy when she comes around. She’s always a victim . She is so reactive to feedback, uses me as her personal therapist about my dad and their marriage and awful things she thinks he’s doing but won’t speak to him herself or have that conversation so I carry the mental load when when they come around she acts normal or that she can’t stand him. I’m tired… I’m exhausted…

[@kimbo3497]

But she’s also very giving and kind and if I need anything at anytime she is there for me. I know she is lonely and feels stuck and is unhappy.. what do I do or how do I navigate this

[@bonitobonita9263]

@@kimbo3497she would never change. That two faced feature is one of the common behaviors for those people, so victims have hard times to detect it is actually super abu**ve. Because those people have “very sweet” sides. You should realize she was never your best friend, never kind, never loving. A best friend would never drains your energy, never psychologically beat you down. I hope you can find a way to go non contact or super low contact

[@imago9059]

Omg my husband is the mirror image of his bpd mother. She stopped talking to him recently because he criticized her youngest. Amazing sering it play out in real life. Husband is possiblity mocorbid npd bpd and acts same way as her.

[@Saritastarsseed87]

I have histrionic tendencies...I grown up with a malignent npd father unfortunately.

[@sirrantsalott]

The title alone has me feeling like this emoji 🤮

[@DrKimSage]

I get it!!🤣😥

[@Fourwindsofsuccess]

The funky disgusting feeling. So true lol.

[@beyondallreason-du4pq]

My mother won't do even simple things by herself..too dependent...no rational thought

[@youleeaah]

Is it also unhealthy when my toddler tries to comfort me by replicating what I do for him when he's sad or hurt?

[@y.m.3739]

This is a good question, I hope some people weigh in with their thoughts.

[@hshfyugaewfjkKS]

I don't think so at all. I believe this is healthy mirroring of what your child is being taught. As long as they are also learning to self regulate their own emotions and not just yours I believe it is a good indicator of learning emotional intelligence.

[@kibbecapsule7571]

I'll try to weigh in. Once I cried in front of my mother (who is very emotionally immature, so there was a background) and her reaction was to cry and "confort herself on me" if I may say so. What stuck with me from that day is that my emotions are hurtful to others and I should never express bad emotions in front of anyone. Life happens, parents sometimes display hurt or sadness in front of their kids. But in my opinion: - you should not be regularly so upset in front of your toddler that he thinks he has to confort you, some emotions must be dealt with privately when kids are so young. - when it happens, please explain to him what happened, how you could have handled it better, that wanting to comfort others is a beautiful reaction but not his job as your kid. Once gain, life happens, I get it. And as was said in a previous comment, he mirrors you, all kids do that, that's how they learn.

[@swirlingbutterflies]

Its normal for kids to replicate that comfort. Its healthy. However it's not the kids responsibility to ENSURE the parent is comforted or ok.. esp if needs aren't being met until the parent is "ok". I how that makes sense. The idea "If mommy is ok we are all ok" is not good

[@nicolataylor6011]

My mother had tantrums ( amongst many many other things) all her life..tantrums where she would stamp her feet and throw things

[@Gr8ful724]

My mom

[@rl2117]

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@dreamiedips8624]

Compulsive caretakers. Parentified little adults.

[@carmenhartman1219]

Ya know i am verrg strong person.verry. young in schooli had a lot of tests " say i was MRDD latter as a adult it was dislaxa so got made fun of alot!!!

[@memyself4431]

My mother married at 15 and had first child 16 with 4 biological child total. My dad left once when I was about 12 and it deviates my mom and brought her down to desperation while she talked to my grandmother (his mom) begging for him to return and I overheard her saying that she didn’t want to care for her kids at all. (In other words she was saying if she had to do it alone she wasn’t going to do it) on another occasion I caught my dad on top of my mom in their bed punching her face and she accepted it and payed there. I was heart broken stunned and I stood there in a frozen state while my mother asked me to assault my dad and shift the blame upon me for hitting a parental figure because that was the games she played. My dad worked and when he was home he wouldn’t communicate it is as though he was there because he was forced to be! That is some of my memories but my mother never wanted to see me excel and went to great lengths to sabotage opportunities.