Petulant Borderline Mother - Role-Play - 3 Versions - BPD

Petulant Borderline Mother - Role-Play - 3 Versions - BPD
Here is my take on the petulant borderline (volatile) mother. BPD.
In this role play I create a scenario where a son is letting his mother know that he will need to introduce his new girlfriend to his father first due to circumstance.
The mother has a huge reaction and in that reaction we see borderline traits play themselves out : real or imagine abandonment, criticism, volatility, rage, character assassination, impulsivity, manipulation around self harm, provocation, false accusations, emotional blackmail, leverage, dependency, fragility, chaos manufacture
Also relevant are : enmeshment, boundaries, recovery, therapy session, consistency, role-play, fyp, tools, hacks, triggers, childhood trauma, inner child, inner child work, c-ptsd, ptsd, toxic parents, narcissistic abuse, assertion, healing, abusive parents, emotional abuse, childhood ptsd, repressed memories, hypervigilance, narcissistic parents, emotionally abusive parents, child abuse, narcissistic father, childhood emotional neglect, abuse, narcissistic mother, codependency, healthy parenting, parenting
I hope it is helpful and there will be a clinical analysis video follow up.
As you can see, while falling under Cluster B Symptoms, the Borderline disorder is very different from overt and or covert narcissism. In my mind, the disorder orbits around real or imagined abandonment (the narcissist doesn't need you in the end so much) and problems of conscientiousness (getting control of their own perception/reactions/emotions). However, a commonality is it does involve a lot of the drama switches, like with the narcissist.
Narcissistic Mother Video Mentioned :
• Narcissistic Mother - ...
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
0:20 Scenario Explained
0:48 Connect With Me
3:00 Petulant Borderline Mother
7:06 Healthy Mother
9:27 Empowered Son
14:08 Role-Play Recap
18:40 Final Thoughts
19:00 Outro
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
⚠️ Disclaimer
My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255

[@lili9000c]

Can I have a 300 hour video of just the healthy parent saying nice things? xD

[@viktoriaxxe6733]

Jajajaa oh yes please

[@rarelotus9737]

I second that 😂

[@annaeverette8960]

💜

[@LeeAnneRMT]

Yes, categorized into different life situations so we can play them as needed.

[@annag467]

Yes pls thnx

[@chrisbcakes4949]

Patrick, you have missed your calling as an actor.

[@davlonable]

And as a play-write and novelist!

[@augustlunaonline]

He always has the option to be the voice for audiobooks!

[@username-jc2tp]

And the Oscar goes to....Petulant Mother!

[@kristenheatherei-star8254]

Get off the cross Mom. We need the wood.

[@daniellenoblet5131]

This is the best saying I've heard in years. Truth.

[@michaelkaemusic]

Perfection

[@rainflowers5270]

😂😂😂 omg I’m stealing this!

[@bobbiedaniel9347]

😂🥴

[@akhoneybee9076]

I freaking love this so much 🤣🤣

[@zhenya9302]

I love the healthy parent parts in your videos. It’s really nice to get to know what that would feel like.

[@woofwoof8146]

Watching these video's it's amazing how relaxed and calm I feel seeing the healthy parent portion. I just sit and think "yeah, this is it...this is how it should be...god it's so easy to be nice to people, why couldn't my parents ever be this for me?" Sadly I can't change the past, but happily I can change the future.

[@kezzie1834]

Oh my god yes

[@clauditafachini6642]

Yes...this video gave me so much insight to my relationship with my mom. I always thought it was just me but... I'm so sad that I've been living 38 years thinking I was a screw up.

[@ellemred]

It's so important to be able to contrast healthy vs unhealthy models. Often, text and education lacks that contrast so you are still left with a little confusion

[@MariaMMCardoso]

I totally agree but I'm very suspicious about that kind of parenting even existing. I'm 50 now, childless and I'm baffled seeing my friends from the childhood and teenage years doing to their kids (now in their 20's) exactly the same they used to complain about their parents with no insight whatsoever even when I clearly point that out to them. They just dismiss me with a "you don't understand, you don't have kids". Do there parents exist? well sure, but I believe in such a minor percentage that it is as if they don't exist

[@jojotheoj]

These videos make me so happy that I went No Contact years ago. Giving birth is not sufficient reason to emotionally torture someone forever.

[@carlomom1]

thank you for this reply i felt so terrible as a person that i had to do this and now i know im not a terrible person for doing it to protect my sanity from her

[@elmtree33]

JoJo, what an excellent comment!

[@cacatr4495]

@JoJo TheOJ But they didn't. Your 13th and 14th words are not true. They didn't.

[@juicylucy6488]

Nor does it give anyone the right, ownership or entitled or ownership to treating someone in such ways.

[@bereal6590]

Oh goodness yes.. why do they think that they wanted a child and dragged you up ruining your psyche and self esteem confidence and sense of self and this h to go on forever because they donated an egg and a sperm! Big damn deal! You are so right 🙋

[@salsaboy100]

I still get defensive with all types of criticism. Growing up with a parent like this trains you to expect basic critiques or disagreements to explode into full blown fights and character assassinations. It make healing and growing outside of that relationship that much harder.

[@arissa1762]

i try really hard not to be outwardly defensive, but i also take straightforward criticism really hard and will dwell on it and assume it's essentially evidence of the person disliking me. i've gotten a lot better at taking constructive criticism without letting my mind contort it into something unproductive! i plan to eventually go no contact, but it's really difficult with a suffocating, smothering parent. the blatant attempts at guilt tripping have become ineffective, but i still feel responsible for my mother. i was made to feel that way my whole life, by her. i know logically that i'm not supposed to have to take care of my parents, especially when i was never takem care of by them. but, any suggestions for cutting emotional ties?

[@yasminmelbourne6239]

I'm about to speak with my mother and I really get exhausted walking on eggshells. You never know when a fight starts.

[@AugustAdvice]

God its so sad how my mom sounds like this. Every time something good in my life happened, she would act so pitiful and I never understood why. The healthy mother sounds so foreign to me it makes me sad that I never had that.

[@arwenperea]

Same here friend. Its a mourning process...

[@barbaragremaud3499]

So sorry! That was so upsetting and confusing.

[@m0L3ify]

@@arwenperea I spent 2 years mourning the mother I never had. By the time my real mother died, it felt like a formality. Still crushing, but not in the same way it hit my siblings. I'd already done a lot of the hard work. It's sad that she never got help, never even knew what was wrong and I couldn't tell her without being punished for it, but she was who she was and I know she suffered a lot. I didn't break it so I certainly couldn't fix it. At least she's at peace now.

[@tauresattauresa7137]

My sister is like that with her kids. So sad.

[@lindagonzalez435]

Oh, wow! My mom here also

[@markmalinowski5951]

The question "How did this conversation go off the rails?" is one of the best methods in deflecting aggression... thank you.

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

I've asked her that, only to be blamed, of course, lol. Nefore I went nc, back in the olden days, I'd just hang up at that point.

[@neferzoe5140]

My mom has always threatened suicide when confronted with her bad behavior even when I was very young.

[@jennifers3828]

Omg I can’t imagine the pain you must have felt as a child!!! My mom only started recently doing this to me and it was incredibly difficult to handle as an adult. I had to baker act her and she stopped doing it. Tactical empathy works only to a point. At this point I’ve decided to go no contact. 😞

[@littlesongbird1]

OMG. Mine too or she would lie and tell us she was sick and going to die.

[@sha1841]

@@jennifers3828 What’s baker act?

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

Holy cow, that's severe emotional abuse. I'm so sorry you went though that.

[@nicksjuice699]

ya my mom used to ask me "if I'd care if she killed her self" for as long as I remember, earliest is 8 y/o

[@SphereMusicCafe]

It’s amazing how BPD makes ppl so sensitive to abandonment but then they lash out & succeed in pushing people away. If my parent was like this I wouldnt bother calling. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy :(

[@hsanchezisidora]

Making people abandon you is less painful than people abadoning you for who you really are :(

[@kevinbissinger]

yeah some people prefer to be "right" than be happy because the two are often confused with phrases like "Doing the right thing feels good"

[@maxk880]

@@hsanchezisidora Yeah but the problem is that they can't realize that someone who abandons you, isn't worth having in your life anyways. Once you realize that, you get true freedom

[@Swaggerpede]

@@maxk880 im a little confused on your meaning, because in most BPD cases the abandonment in question is perceived and not factual. so these people arent even trying to abandon that person, theyre just living their life. they are worth having around, its just the bpd pushes those people away.

[@lunalu552]

@@Swaggerpede Actually, the "experts" define the borderline has fear of abandonment, perceived or factual. Which is amusing since pretty much everyone is scared of the pain of abandonment and will likely react to it. This video doesn't represent a fear of abandonment but sensitivity to perceived rejection becausr the son won't introduce her first or make her a priority. She might be projecting the relationship with her father onto the son, she actually is when she says talks about him abandoning his girlfriend as her father did to her. I feel this video represents a case of projection and not so much a "Borderline" personality.

[@poppyseed4807]

“i don’t need any charity, and i might not even be around” ITS LIKE YOU RECORDED MY MOTHER AND QUOTED HER WORD FOR WORD??

[@poppyseed4807]

oof and then later the “i’m not a doormat mother”

[@hortonheard59]

😓😓😓

[@steffi1206]

Same here, and the whiny voice....

[@amyneff2358]

Omg, mine, too! I’m blown away. He is on point!

[@Nan-Elle]

"I probably won't be here much longer..."Said for years. (She lived to be 95)

[@deborahmontgomery7881]

I’m a borderline mama! High functioning BPD! I have had therapy all my life and have worked a lot on my outward reactions to what people say, and how I feel and how others feel. It’s a very dark place to imagine that everyone ignores and avoids and secretly hates me. But I have learned to stifle those imaginary thoughts (most of the time) and I hope my son never considers me a toxic parent.

[@julesa1754]

If you are a parent that is willing to put the work in, your efforts will be appreciated. Even if it's not this exact moment, it might be later. Moms like you are awesome🙂

[@nuntet7170]

Just be willing to hold space for him, listen to his point of view without being defensive and apologize without making excuses when needed. That's the hallmark of any healthy relationship. Accountability makes us all safer to each other.

[@michaelvanderford4630]

As you brag about it? Disgusting.

[@freesiasage]

❤ There are good (not perfect, but no one is perfect) BPD parents out there. Unfortunately, there is so much misinformation about BPD out there still today despite the fact that about 20 years ago research proved that unlike the narcissistic person, the BPD person feels remorse for acting out and hurting others. And unlike the narcissist, those living with BPD are somewhat positive about their therapy, most often are committed to their therapy. That being said, it might take trying a few therapists to find one that is qualified enough to effectively create the sense of safety we so desperately need to risk learning how to deeply engaging in an authentic way, and open up to self awareness, trading our self-hatred for self-compassion. It may take some time and trying a few therapists to find one that we can truly trust. A high percentage of BP disordered individuals participating in therapy for two consecutive years show enough of a decrease in BPD criteria to now be classified as no longer BP disordered but only having several BPD traits (that's progress!!). There are good parents out there living with a disordered personality.

[@tessw9744]

Oh gosh, the self loathing is unbearable. Always the victim.

[@jonathansmith4712]

“I’m not engaging with you if you start accusing me of whatever you imagine is going on.” Brilliant response. Could’ve used it many times had I known of it sooner.

[@lunalu552]

That's actually a pretty manipulative answer from the son's part, he probably adopted it from his father. It's not uncommon for borderlines to get into relationships with narcissists so if the mother is borderline the probably is also rocking the cluster B personality disorder. Telling someone they are "imagining things" is invalidate their perception and going full mode on crazy making, it's making them believe their reality perception is wrong and if they insist on it they'll be punished (i won't engage until you stop the accusations). It would never cross my mind to tell someone i care about and who's wrongly acusing me of something because of a faulty perception that i won't engage anymore if they keep "on imagining things", that's emotional abuse right there. I've been on the situation of being acused by a boyfriend that i was interested in someone else (aka that I was about to cheat) and I immediately reassured it wasnt the case, that i had no interest in the other guy and that i loved him. And I've been in with another boyfriend who would constantly telling me i was "imagining things" when i wasnt even acusing but raising my concerns and suspicions. I ended up being right. Definition of gaslighting: making someone doubt their own reality.

[@zayan6284]

@@lunalu552pointing out that someone with a mental illness that causes a distorted view of reality is experiencing a distorted view of reality isn’t gaslighting

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

This is 💯 my mom. Can’t have any real conversation about difficult issues with her without her getting angry, throwing a tantrum, trying to manipulate me and playing the victim. She rarely takes responsibility for the hurtful things she does. Super frustrating. Learning to disengage, grey rock, keep boundaries and be empowered. Thank you. 💖

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

We might be related, lol. That's exactly how I describe my mother as well. There's no possible way to discuss things or heal when the very subject arising results in her blowing up and acting like a toddler having a tantrum.

[@madesno5002]

I remember watching my mother interact with my dad one day, and realizing that my mom genuinely did not understand why her high strung emotions and angry, cutting remarks made my father need to go out and take a walk. She has no awareness of what her communication looks like from the outside. It's kind of sad, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

[@gayatridutt4238]

This is my mother! The analysis at the end where you say that these mothers aren't aware of the punch they've thrown and cannot fathom why you(the child) are having a reaction to it is absolutely spot on. My mother does all of this - the irrational emotional reactions, getting angry at the slightest thought of me having a relationship with my dad, the manipulation.... all of it. She made me think I was selfish and bad for being affected by her actions but now I know that the problem was always her and not me which is liberating.

[@haleybeldin9247]

Oh my godddd I laughed so hard. My mom IRL. It's wild because sometimes she's petulant BPD mom, and sometimes she's healthy mom. Luckily she's getting therapy and the latter is getting more frequent.

[@corro100]

Same with my mom, she's switching in and out of BPD. That makes it more unpredictable. I once thought a bot - an algorythm could deal with calling her, instead of wearing myself off doing that. Uhuhh, wrong.

[@andizana]

Well ppl with BPD aren't constantly Toxic, they get triggered and work themselves into those negative type responses. It's up to them to recognize their own toxic traits. Best thing to do is not feed into the irrational, bc they're looking for a reaction to prove all the bad stuff to be true. Even if it makes no sense.

[@corro100]

@@andizana It may border on the impossible, bc they are double-binding as well.

[@corro100]

@@andizana BTW: making a joke about double-binds, Kafka traps and catch 22 is something recovered BPD's might actually do self-ironically, in my experience with an ex-BPD, who didn't take herself very serious anymore. I try to avoid rightout Borderline behaviour of others in general, nevertheless I'm very sure it's learned misbehaviour/ generational/ ianappropriate trauma reaction.

[@carbine090909]

@@andizana I'm a mom with anxiety, depression, trauma, etc. I swore I would never take rx's or abuse drugs or alcohol bc of tragic addiction in my family. I was never dx'd with BPD, but I would definitely get paranoid. I can tell you from experience, you don't know you're being paranoid. In my mind, betrayal made total sense, like, it was the only explanation that fit. Finally my daughter told me I was cut off bc it was so painful for her to interact with me. I thought, 'for HER?' At this point I had cut off nearly everyone I ever knew, ghosted them, distanced myself, quit, abandoned, cold-shouldered, self-isolated, you name it. But my daughter was my responsibility, no matter what. When she said that, I was devastated. I was going to drive to NJ where there is no waiting period for a gun and do myself in. I made a last ditch cry for help and called a Christian friend, asked him to pray for me. Sitting in my car, I thought, I should say goodbye to my cat who'll be better off without me anyway. At this point I had allowed myself to become evicted, was living out of my car in February, and had surrendered my cat to a no-kill shelter. I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks. I go in and the staff says they're concerned, he won't come out, won't let anyone pet him. I go in, he hears my voice and comes out, even after I had abandoned him. It was the first time in my life I ever felt unconditionally loved, and felt like I belonged, because there is no artifice with an animal. So there was no paranoia from my mind. He just missed me. Just that one moment made the glass wall shatter in my mind. Suddenly I saw that the only answer that fit was ME. I determined right then to change. I got emergency mental health treatment and a prescription. That made all the difference. I let my daughter take her time, and respected her personhood. I promised myself I would never go OFF meds. It hurts just to think of the anxiety I caused my own child, but I know she can adapt and overcome. She forgives me. There is hope. God answered that prayer, and I'm so grateful.

[@MS-xk1ne]

Wow. This was like a phonecall with my mum. It's the instant hostility, suspicion and bitterness. My mum isn't as forward as this example woman, she's more subtle and discreet which is more infuriating because you cannot call her out because she'll deny it / throw it in my face / project what she's doing ("well if that's what you're getting from what I'm saying, that'll just be your guilt kicking in because you know that's not okay").

[@cece72]

My mother was almost physically violent when I explained every time how her behavior was inappropriate. Went no contact 5 months ago, she’ll never hear my voice again.

[@philipjohn3262]

An Oscar is on the cards Patrick 😂 seriously though, seeing the role play is revealing

[@malikastone]

I know right? Patrick seriously kills every role he plays. And it must be an extra challenge having no one to play against in the scene. So much talent here!

[@launacasey6513]

@@malikastone I think it's more powerful to see Patrick act out all of the parts. Especially when it involves parents because we tend to adopt some of their behavior as our own, unknowingly. Therefore, it's easier to visualize the internalized parent as a 'part' of us and begin to separate it out, which works best with a therapist(it's too much to have all the parts AND be the objective one guiding us through it).

[@drmtokes]

Patrick, I appreciate the idea of "skipping the upset". I've become more aware of not automatically apologizing for the things I'm accused of.

[@maribelsantana157]

You are 100% correct. It’s a circular argument cycle. I have resorted to grey rocking, this does however increase resentment for my parent.

[@sunshinemolly8429]

I loved this role play so much and I'd love to see more content about BPD. I'm quite far into BPD recovery, I've done a lot of therapy and most of the time I manage triggers and "abandonment" in a really healthy way. However I still have occasional episodes of acting out like this (it used to be daily, now its around monthly and I'll usually calm down and repair within an hour) I find your channel amazingly helpful and easy to understand so I'd really love to see more BPD related content. My mother has undiagnosed BPD and has never wanted help, while always criticising me as weak and pathetic for seeking help for myself. I already have a small son from a teenage pregnancy and I want to break this toxic cycle!

[@CBL-if8jr]

Molly Sun I am impressed by your decision, Molly.

[@tessw9744]

Molly, most likely she criticizes you as being weak for getting help...... because you needing therapy reflects on her bad mothering. It's always about *them* , it's never about you and the truth. To her, you seeking therapy is like telling the world she's a horrible mother. That's what bothers her. Actually you're pretty strong to take on healing.

[@m0L3ify]

She's probably just projecting. My BPD mom did that a lot. Whatever she's projecting onto you is what she fears about herself and isn't about you at all. I'm really proud of you for seeking treatment because it's hard work and it takes a lot of determination to stick with it even when your trust issues are triggered. It takes a lot of strength to do that and to make life better for you and your son. I wish you all the best.

[@1631ss]

Good for you! Impressive and mature! I know you will break the cycle and be an amazing parent 💞

[@anitramoore9514]

Awesome to see you owning it! Some of us most be warriors!!

[@jennycronin1717]

God, this just makes me feel awful. I have BPD and am also a mum. I would never in a million years say those things to my daughter or son but I would feel some of them and keep them inside...but what you explain about how your patients are having grown up with a BPD mum - I can see a bit of that in my children already😭 they do say sorry very quickly but I always try and ask what they're sorry about and help them figure out if they need to be sorry....I don't know...I try realy realy hard to be careful with what I say because I don't want to mess them up. I love to them to bits....

[@SarahNissen]

Wow, really reminds me of my mom, except she never cried and went straight to anger and threatening to take something away from me.

[@LOLOsugoi]

Little question: would it be possible to do a similar roleplay but with a BPD quiet, internalized type? I feel like this one isn't much adressed while the passive-agressive is pretty strong and damaging with this type

[@sunflowerblues23]

I agree, I would be very interested as I feel like my mom was a little more passive aggressive than aggressive aggressive

[@sarajohnson9521]

Covert narcissist and/or codependent might be close enough to get the gist.

[@elizabethgoehring6260]

I teared up when the Healthy Mom begins to talk - love how she supports and celebrates her son's adulthood instead of criticizing.

[@LinYouToo]

17:14 this is my mother, needing me to comfort her after she provoked me. I find your role plays extremely helpful. Thank you very much. Edit: what I find especially puzzling is if I attempt to discuss the matter with my mother days or weeks later, my mother has no recollection. I used to think she just said that but now I see she really cannot remember.

[@nikicollins5809]

Ugh my mother too

[@onwardsandupwards7397]

Actually, what if you had a diabetic mother and you gave her sugar; better to stop giving unnecessary emotional provocations. There was no reason to emotional provoke someone with BPD. Keep it simple on an emotional level.

[@LinYouToo]

@@onwardsandupwards7397 no mention of provocation of person with BPD. Not sure where you inferred that from?

[@onwardsandupwards7397]

@@LinYouToo I am referring to the topics that are better left off the table. Emotionally hot button topics are hard enough for most people---divorce, ex-husband. Some things are best left unsaid.

[@m0L3ify]

Yesssss! My mom: provoked me in a very hurtful, talionic way Me: reacted, was hurt My mom: beat herself up, loudly and dramatically declared this is proof she's the worst mother in the world, and required me to drop everything to tend to her now hurt feelings and internal devastation as if I was the aggressor My mom was like the Witch singing "Last Midnight" in Into The Woods where she'd take the thing people wanted the most and weaponize it against them to punish them for ever wanting anything in the first place. It was amazing how she could interpret the pain she inflicted on others as an attack on herself. She was so good at dropping nuclear bombs on herself and then needing others to tend to her wounds. I'm so glad it's over for all of us, especially her.

[@Stolat79]

My last conversation with my mother was a year and a half ago. That conversation played out very much like your third scenario, where I called my mother out on her behavior. The veiled threats, the lies, the feigning illness, the flying monkey’s. I talked about conflict resolution, apologized for my part of the misunderstanding and gave her the opportunity to apologize to me. She refused and I quote “I have nothing to apologize for”. I told her I loved her and told her to call me later and hung up. So a year and a half go by and the only time I hear from her is a text message at 10:30pm on my birthday. The last year and a half have been tough, but its getting easier (In no small part thanks to your content Patrick). Cannot thank you enough for these very affirming videos!

[@marcystephens1625]

My mother also “has nothing to apologize for”. Then she added, “And if that’s what you think then that says a lot about you. You need to change your meds.” :/

[@woofwoof8146]

Oh my god it's my mother...I mean she's more angry less whiney tone than this but the "money" "I might not be here" "insult me" OMG this is intense thanks for the warning.

[@fuzzyecheveriaharmsii]

Yeah. Also like "When you don't help me I will be sick/hurt/ just die and nobody will care. And it's your fault" But I don't realy get the line between bipolar ambivalence and narcissistic abusive manipulation. Mine was/is very ambivalent but I wouldn't say it's bipolar behaviour. I don't know if this makes sense.

[@woofwoof8146]

@@fuzzyecheveriaharmsii I think it makes sense. On the off chance this might help, let me give some thoughts on bi-polar. I researched as a teen when my mother was trying to convince me I had the disorder. She liked to diagnose me with any other problem than bad parenting. I think both my parents are on the narc spectrum, they are different people towards me then at work/public and have multiple faces at home. Depending on if they are rampaging or the enabler, and if they are addressing me or my golden child siblings. To the outside world they say I am an amazing writer, artist and musician and I'm so damn smart. To my face I'm "smart-ass" "bitch" and in need of "psycho-analysis, medication, and boarding school since clearly you're not happy here", to scratch the surface. (I got none of those things BTW, they had no interest in professional *outsider* help.) *Now, this is not technically ambivalence,* Positive feelings are for the outside, the negative is for me in private. Praise for golden children, criticism for me. Bi-polar's are often torn between hot/cold positive/negative *simultaneous* feelings towards people, places or things. That is the definition of ambivalence. This can create frustration and volatility among other emotions and expression. Narc's switch on/off to create trauma bonding and a false image. There are many types of narcs, so you could being dealing with a sub-type or another disorder entirely. Just remember, ambivalence is feeling hot/cold on/off at the same time. Narc abuse is hot OR cold on OR off often in consistent circumstances to traumatize, manipulate and save their reputation or destroy yours. And once you see the pattern, they become extremely predictable. Last thing, never forget the Narcissists prayer. *That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did... You deserved it.* I hope at least this gives you a piece of the puzzle. I got a lot of pieces from comments so I know it can help.

[@fuzzyecheveriaharmsii]

@@woofwoof8146 Thank you. The prayer fits very well. Also the thing about on or off. I mean, I can't say for sure.... I'm not a professional and I can't see inside her head and there's no diagnosis. But what I've read about it and deduced is that she ticks more boxes for narc. Manic-depressive is not one of them.

[@woofwoof8146]

@@fuzzyecheveriaharmsii I'm glad, keep it in your tool box moving forward as you continue to learn and observe. What ever direction it goes, I wish you the best.

[@fuzzyecheveriaharmsii]

@@woofwoof8146 I wish you the same, thank you. It helps enormously to have limited contact. And therapy. Not to forget therapy

[@ashleycnossen3157]

I barely made it through the first one. The body never forgets the anxiety of conversations like that. I did learn to go gray rock...my mom just thinks I have no emotions or sentimentality. She has become more healthy over the years though. I can't wait to see more BPD videos.

[@i.greene]

Watching the BPD mother = like an elephant is sitting on my chest. Watching the healthy mother scenario = heals my heart. Watching the empowered son = was powerful, but being logical and calm with my family never worked for me, so I cut them off. :( Thank you for all the work that you do, Patrick! I just signed up for your community.

[@gemmabanks851]

Wow. I’m glad I healed my BPD, I Absolutely see this in myself from when I was in my 20s. I healed myself with self love and acceptance and now my triggers are very limited. 🙌🏻🙌🏻 celebrating the life win!

[@emilysstoddard]

Right! I was diagnosed with bpd at 18 and now I am 25 and by the grace of God I am very rarely symptomatic. Love and peace to you friend ❤

[@6Haunted-Days]

Clearly there WAY WAY over diagnosing BPD now....I'm guessing ti peddle meds and DBT which DOES work it's so intensive.....but....yea. Now all of sudden everyone gets to just self diagnose. Used to be one had to take a 3hr test and see a forensic psychiatrist.....all I had to do . Then decades later My sis declares she's got it now BAM. She's got it. Trust l, she doesn't 🤣😑

[@2okaycola]

Takes a while eh

[@Illuminated333]

@@6Haunted-Daysand people saying they healed it. There’s no healing it, it’s a personality disorder. So all these people thinking they healed it never had it. They were just emotionally dysregulated and learned to cope better with their emotions.

[@Talis7212]

[@mikesoreljr]

This guy is grade A actor and informer. It’s exhausting this is how my mother talks. It’s exhausting This was so informative

[@jenny-yt3jq]

this is so accurate, like the mood swings in the beginning, her unconditionally loving her son and putting him on a pedestal(saying he’s the best). what is also accurate especially i feel like the depression in this, from her saying she’s garbage, to calling the son garbage. it’s very accurate i feel like to show how splitting works. i feel like people think about the more aggressive volatile reaction from splitting is like what happens automatically but sometimes it’s depression at first or just depression as well.

[@bhflute]

The borderline mom made me cry. It’s so familiar and painful. It’s helpful to know I’m not alone in experiencing navigating the complicated emotions that come from years of trying to protect the emotions of someone like this.

[@brittanyray2002]

I’m currently in recovery from my BPD features and honestly the grayness is definitely a baseline when untreated. It just made my stomach hurl that I’ve had these types of outburst. Glad I’ve decided to go to counseling before having children, based on the amount of comments I’ve seen. It’s awful that I can see where these reactions come from. I just wonder if this develops only in women who suffer from sexual child abuse. Because the boundaries I used to cross stemmed from that toxic place. It doesn’t justify my actions, but rather a way to cope with that level of pain until it became unbearable. I just don’t think I could describe my shadow self more accurately than you portrayed.

[@duetopersonalreasonsaaaaaa]

Therapy is hard as hell. Good on you for being honest and taking a hard look at yourself. I wish more people, borderline or not, did that.

[@tiavelvet3141]

There are many women and men with BPD who were never sexually abused

[@Mycuriousnature]

Once I finally recognised my mother's patterns and what she was doing in our conversations, I moved from getting very upset to calling her out on it- like in the 'Empowered Son' video. What I found was interesting- she would 'go blank' when I made a clear point or called her out on something obviously true. She would never acknowledge it, only pause, before moving into self-victimisation, or wanting to remove herself from the conversation (because it got too hard? Or because she didn't like to be around me when I was feeling confident and empowered?), and she would start to call me abusive with absolutely no clear reasons why she would call me that. I was blown away by how these conversations would be the same every time. Eventually I realised that I didn't need to go through that process any more- I hate those conversations, and she gets really upset (I don't think she even understands why), so now I simply avoid certain topics and explanations. It's so much better, I just keep things very simple and to the point. If she starts seeming triggered I just let that topic drop or change to another topic- she doesn't even seem to notice! It's wild.

[@massivegat5087]

Damn. I'm only just now coming to try and understand this at 20 years of age. I relate SO much to how BPD mothers will back out of conversations and arguments that they aren't winning. Every time I'm perfectly arguing my point and trying to get her to reflect on herself and take accountability, she backpedals and disengages because it makes her uncomfortable. She feels like she's being persecuted when in reality I'm just trying to stand my ground. Reckon it's time I find a different method of approach!

[@rebeccacaldwell2065]

Wow! I have BPD myself and hearing that really sounded like how I used to be. I now realize how far I have come from that type of display toward people when I am upset. It was uncomfortable to hear, but now I know how disturbing I used to be and how I have learned to communicate better. Unfortunately, my narcissistic mother used to pull this type of behavior out of me and I had to distance myself to heal. Since she passed away recently, her family is triggering me and I am working hard not to fall back to that type of BPD again toward them. Thank you for these videos.

[@ptanyuh]

You're amazing Rebecca :) All the best.

[@odafje]

Started crying when the healty mother showed up🙃😅 it felt so good to watch

[@sarahlyon157]

I'd like to see more on BPD. My partner has BPD and the big thing I run into is him going "Oh, its all my fault!" when I confront him about toxic behavior.

[@oompaloompa9139]

Hearing the healthy version pisses me off more than the first example even though the first example is triggering. Go figure

[@Eli_B3000]

Yep. It's hard to go with a person you're dating to a healthy household, it feels like too much.

[@aureliarhodes8229]

What I like most about Patrick Teahan's content is that he's really clear in demonstrating what's unhealthy and healthy w/o demonizing anyone: He keeps the focus on behavior and patterns rather than the person. His "case studies" feel realistic, and at the same time objectively about the facts. // For BPD, I can't say enough about this book: "I Hate You-- Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality" by Hal Straus and Jerold Jay Kreisman. It was recommended to me by a psychologist friend when I was learning how to deal with BPD in both a family member and a friend.

[@Mycuriousnature]

It's amazing listening to the healthy Mom, how all the fear I hold of negative reactions just drops away. We end up being so sensitive and reactive because of our Mother's responses to 'normal' conversation topics. We become aware of needing to placate her feelings, and not think about our own... it's crazy how they can manage to make it all about themselves! The healthy Mom was actually making me feel like: "Wow! You actually care about what I think and how I feel! This is amazing!" BPD Moms stunt their kid's emotional growth- it's so sad.

[@tipontoe]

I told about your channel and "role plays - 3 versions" videos to my psychotherapist, she told me that these ideas are great and she will recommend your videos to her other patients who struggle with communication within the family. I'm happy she's the type of therapist who also recommends me and lends me helpful books and is supporting when it comes looking for solutions also outside her office, your videos are the example of this, they are indeed very helpful :)

[@thelizardking6300]

Oh my god the accuracy of picking up the phone and saying something like "you only call when you need me" or "you'll miss me when I'm dead" -________-

[@keepingupwithkelsey2980]

Its fascinating to watch these videos and read the comments. Coming from a healthy home, it's so easy to take a normal relationship for granted. I hope the people who deal with this dynamic regularly can find peace and strength to set healthy boundaries.

[@AmyKnits]

These role plays truly help me to understand the behavior and give it a name. Sometimes, I get confused while the conversations are occurring and I can't really put my finger on what is happening until after the fact.

[@mollymuzette5860]

The empowered son should have ended that conversation way earlier. Why listen to the mom spew abuse like that? I have a mom like this and I warn her then I do hang up on her when she starts getting aggressive. It saves my sanity.

[@MrsShirotora]

I told my mother not to call me when she's feeling triggered, yell at me, tell me I'm not allowed to answer back to anything, and then hang up; she needs to find a new way to sort out her emotions. So she hasn't called me in months. It's a weird mix of upset and relief.

[@Rlove8687]

Thats what I was thinking! I don’t think being empowered is arguing back. I think being empowered is asserting your boundaries straight up. As soon as there is a hint of abuse they are warned and then after that and they do it again, you hang up.

[@m0L3ify]

I'm honestly surprised he didn't have the BPD mom hang up. That was always my experience during these kinds of calls.

[@mollymuzette5860]

@@m0L3ify Frequently my experience too.

[@j1233191]

On the other hand, we wouldn't have got to see how he pushed back against everything she threw at him. It wouldn't have been as cathartic to have him just hang up.

[@teeb2681]

They also hang up on you when they hear something they dislike. If I tried to have a discussion with my mom about something she did grossly wrong...she hangs up on me. My ex would walk out the room while I was talking, threaten to leave or leave. All forms of silent treatment. They (narcs and other anti social) all use the silent treatment. Its control and to instill fear from neglect and abandonment. My mom would attempt to twist the narrative or one up and when it nolonger worked she'd simply hang up then not answer her phone until she needed me. She could ignore me for weeks and has reached months before. I'm not a parent but can't imagine doing that to my child. Unfortunately, the toxicity led me to dating narcs. So they'd inflict the same abuse as if I never escaped. Adult children of cluster Bs seem to be stuck in a cycle and forced to remain a dependent until you break free by any means necessary. When I say that I mean even if you have to lose people by walking away and setting boundaries that they may not desire to follow. Be prepared to let go. Something we unfortunately are all too familiar with. Its like we never had healthy stability. But its better to have nothing than something that is destroying you. God bless

[@cherrylane79]

So many people have bad parents, it's rare to see someone acting normally. Thank you for these videos.

[@fitforever22]

As soon as they start with this victim tantrum, it would be the end of conversation for me. “Mom, it is very difficult to have a conversation with you like this so I will have to go now. Maybe another time we can have a conversation but apparently not like this and not today.”

[@abstraxstudios9513]

These comparative roles are really helping me reflect and understand and then grieve.

[@chloebelle4923]

The "healthy parent" parts had my *UNDIVIDED* attention.... it was like breathing oxygen for the first time. I was NOT expecting that. Bless you, Patrick!... this is truly so revelatory!

[@katalintulkan6350]

Wow every time my mother shouts and cries like this I feel that I have to love her and take care of her. I feel shame and guilt that I do not love her. Even when I was watching this role-play I felt the same. And she can make me feel this way in really small things like buying myself an orchid and I didn’t buy her also… Wow I do not know whether this feeling will ever fade away…

[@lifeexamined1776]

I can't get enough of these.

[@susanpendell4215]

I like the empowered son he's able to assert himself without being insulting and stands up for his bounderies as well as the healthy mother was nice, real adult relationship with her son.

[@philcooper9225]

Could you interrupt the empowered son more often? My mom basically won't let me get an entire sentence out if she's triggered (but then blames me for 'not letting her ever talk') 😫 "please let me go! PLEASE!" is so accurate. As soon as accountability comes up, they flee or fight.

[@alisonwild2247]

It’s interesting that the son who lives in the same state as the mom hasn’t introduced the mom yet (moms truth) most likely because she’s like this. Kinda becomes a self perpetuated reality and not totally how his plans worked out.

[@lunalu552]

I felt the son was manipulative as hell too. The mother was actually spot on that he was hiding something and about to lie.

[@leeboriack8054]

The negative roleplay helps me let go of my self doubt and confusion (gaslighting) with my family. The positive roleplay was validating that my inner child wasn't out of touch and that things could have been better. Much better.

[@gaybowser420]

Oh my God. Give this man an acting award. But seriously, thank you so much for the content.

[@stephaniedayonot]

This is almost verbatim the conversation my boyfriend had to have with his mom about me. I’m so proud of how far he has come with his communication with her and becoming the “empowered son” ! He’s worked really hard over the last 4 years to get there. This work is so important. Thank you for making this video.

[@AmbiixROX]

Wow….I know you said “tigger warning” but I couldn’t be prepared for this accurate performance 😩👏🏻 I’m amazed and also upset….but OH SO VALIDATED thank you

[@m0L3ify]

I know my mom tried to be the healthy mom sometimes, but wowza wow that BPD would flare up and yikes. And honestly, her version of the healthy mom was usually enmeshed with some kind of martyrdom thing going on in her head, so it was often a trap as well. The whole telling the son he's perfect thing was 100% my mom every single phone call. And she basically disowned me as an adult because I said one small thing that hurt her feelings when I was 25 right before I left the state (ie: "abandoned her".) She'd do what I call the "dump and run" where she'd yell at me on the phone about how horrible I was to her and then hang up. She also refused to speak to me for a couple of years. I'm grateful she stopped threatening suicide later in life. I guess she figured she was getting close enough to death that it would do the job for her. So yeah, it got confusing when she'd suddenly be her version of the "healthy" mother. But how sad she was afraid to call me for half my life until she died because her feelings got in the way of the relationship and she couldn't see past them or work through them. I hope you do more of these, like for the Waif and the Hermit as well. They're helpful when I start gaslighting myself about my views on my mom and my childhood thinking I'm being too hard on her. But the reality is she was so difficult to communicate with and everything was an emotional minefield. I got through it as best I could.

[@kaylaschroeder1]

An "emotional minefield..." Wow, yes. 😲

[@massivegat5087]

I relate so much to this comment. I've been wanting to leave my mom for ages. Her volatility and toxicity only manages to push people away, and then that further reinforces her "world against me" perspective. I want to help her and love her, she's my mom of course; but at some point I've also got to prioritize myself. She's been threatening suicide ever since I was 12 and wanted to see my dad. My sister left the household about a year ago because her and mom disagreed about certain things, now my mom constantly vilifies my sister and paints her to be evil when in reality she left just like anyone else would in that situation really. I hope she gets help before she dies alone. I don't know how to help her and when I suggest therapy she gets resistant and angry. I also often do the self-gaslighting thing too. Feels like sometimes I make excuses for my mom and try to apply a redemptive lens to her trail of destruction. Then I remember how intensely angry her outbursts would make me because it just wasn't fair. The fear and stress of hearing her footsteps when she's in a bad mood, the embarrassment of being seen with her as she throws a fit in public over some perceived slight. I want better for her and myself too.

[@m0L3ify]

@@massivegat5087 You can't fix what you didn't break. Do what you need to in order to take care of yourself.

[@simone6726]

This is so accurate to my life, only difference is I’m a daughter. So I usually get her projecting on to me rather than comparing me to my father, but my brothers get this.

[@tacosmargs58]

I'm 100% sure this would be my mom's diagnosis if she ever agreed to get any kind of mental health help

[@MsKelsieJH]

So many times I tried every possible approach including the empowered approach with her. It was almost never worth it. She would double down, hell more like octuple down until it snowballed to glacial proportions. Playing along, overly apologizing when I didn't even mean it or if I did mean it, grey rock, anything to shut her up, it didn't matter. She was a master manipulator who even told me herself she'd ALWAYS find something. I wanted away pretty much all my life, but I just bided my time until she finally died. Funny thing, they both even said that to me when I was still a kid trapped in their home with no way out, "You hate us so much, you're just biding your time until you can get the hell out of here..." Yup. One down...

[@m0L3ify]

Read "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson!! It's absolutely life-changing!!

[@shadoxlight9603]

Your channel is my safe place, it makes me feel okay again after all the abuse I went through. It allows me to understand what happened, and suddenly it feels like there is a way out of this pain

[@hannahv7303]

Oh- I’ve been skipping upset for most of my life without realizing it and failing to be communicative and to own my needs as a result. Thank you for this.

[@stark_terror]

This is really highlighting how I’ve been made to feel crazy for having CPTSD when my sister has always been fine. She was the flying monkey. This is so relatable. And it makes the “it’s always me. Everything I do is wrong” feelings make sense.

[@truthhurts8312]

Jesus, this triggers me! The whole, "everyone's sitting around talking about me..." Like, you think a lot more about these people than they ever think about you!🙄

[@brittmagadini5105]

"not being able to understand that they caused the upset"...that is gold! Your videos are so helpful. Thank you!

[@baddogcreative]

The empowered son one was eye opening and sort of triggering for me. This is like a spitting image of my marriage. Where I’m aware of my wife’s in appropriate behavior, and try to make her aware and set boundaries. But it goes in circles. And circles. Me asking why she was upset in the first place, trying to understand her feelings. But she’s triggered. So me asking to try to relate is actually “selfish” now. Now I’m im triggered and say things that I do that make me not selfish. But those things are dismissed as “the basics”. More accusations come from her. She says I “Never” care or do “nothing”, always say “NO”. Eventually I react, because I’m a normal loving husband that does things for her every day and every week. Now I’m the bad guy. I apologize. It settles. I ask her to talk About why she was so angry. Her response, I wasn’t angry “YOU were angry”. As I disclose what she actually did and her actions are coming to fruition. She’s tired. Doesn’t know what I’m talking about. No recognition of her reaction or emotions. Eventually it settles. She’s happy again. I’m her everything. No one is better. Meanwhile I’m confused but putting on a smile. And it goes around and around and around and around…..

[@barbaragremaud3499]

Ok, my mom's definitely not borderline 😳. That was horrifying.

[@JennieMaeJune]

There’s a wide range of BPD presentation though.

[@ambershaw4769]

Maybe she's not, but it if you're not heard or respected as a person. That's not acceptable & that's not on you. Sending you luv x

[@madameversiera]

That was really weird, for a second I saw my mother speaking, it's so painful to live with a parent like that, this video is really useful to understand how to manage these relationships.

[@user-kw5ge1df6x]

We need more videos like this for bordeline mothers .You are doing excellent work

[@jazzyrox4851]

I've tried the 'how did we get here?' question, to be answered with 'because YOU did this' and a barrage of abuse :(

[@woofwoof8146]

Not that I would recommend confrontation, but the tool I use is you have to make them eat their own words specifically. Don't make any big moves until you're fairly healed and have a good foundation to stand your ground on. I got lucky, my mother and golden child older brother made the mistake of abusing me with the line "if you feel that way that's YOUR FAULT. If you feel that way about X treatment, that's YOUR FAULT" several times starting about two years ago. They got it from my uncle who, a few years earlier, had the audacity to tell me as an abused teenager in front of both my mother and brother (at much greater length) "you're in control of your life, and if people don't like you that's your fault. And if you feel bad about how you're being treated, that's your fault. The way you feel and the way you're being treated is your fault. There's nothing wrong anyone else. It's just your fault and you can change it." I've come to fully realize what a sicko he is. So now when they're volatile and reactive I get to say, "If that's how you feel, that's your fault. That's what you said to me. Your reaction, that's your fault. And if you don't like how I treat you, that's your fault too. That's your rules. That's what you said to me." Oh my mother tried to push back at first "God, you're so intense" and I called her out on that too. Because they can never admit fault, they won't apologize for their use of it against me and make amends so no one can use those absurd lines again. Think of their go-to lines and use those, "you're so dramatic, why do you have to be so dramatic?!?!?!?!" *Flails arms dramatically speaking in a theatrical voice* "you're just so glass is half-empty and I'm so glass if half-full!" Devil's cant stand being mocked. Stay strong, keep going, and keeping educating yourself. And again, don't make moves until you're ready. Be proactive not reactive. Borderline narcs are the masters at reactivity, don't let them drag you into their arena.

[@lms1068]

What do you do with a person who flicks between both personas? One minute my mother is a petulant child, and then she acts caring and supportive. I'm suddenly realizing it. The role plays are so informative.

[@taramoonshadow7260]

Well, I handled mine such like this: So, one day, when she started in, I asked her: "...and just WHO am I talking to, TODAY!??" THEN, my reply to her flippant denial: "Oh, you REALLY have missed your calling! You should have been an ACTRESS!!"

[@shulamay]

I think this is what usually happens... I think both sides are real, they just have a disconnect.

[@arissa1762]

​​​​@shula may exactly that! they have to do some good to convince themselves that they are owed something from you. it's extremely hurtful to realise the good times are actually just perpetuating their cycle. and with my mother, now that i see the truth, i notice that she has always expected me to go along with her 'support', but doesn't take into account whether i want to do something or not. it's all about her, and what she wants. try something with this parent! try rejecting or declining their 'help'; for mine, it's often things like going out to eat or going on a shopping spree as bonding methods. after it was used against me or thrown back in my face enough times, i realised that i didn't want to spend that time with mother anymore. she didn't care. as soon as i got into the car to fulfill an obligation, like even a doctor's appointment, i was officially along for the ride. i couldn't say i wanted to go home, and a couple times, i would have to use the bathroom and she'd just continue driving around aimlessly because it was what she wanted to do. i just had to hold it, and my discomfort made me poor company for her, which made her crave her wants even more. i was expected to conform and ignore my own boundaries or needs. that way, i could support her emotionally. i didn't really understand until i stopped going along with it, which started when i was having a really hard time and she forced me to go inside the store with her as i tried to stop crying, but couldn't. i had told her that i wanted to wait in the car, as i had already expressed that i wasn't mentally well. it was coercion that made me feel as though i physically had to conform. she just kept pushing and her tactics grew worse as i denied the initial guilt trips. i was in tears as i walked the isles and tried to avoid anyone else seeing me for too long. it was humiliating for me, i've never liked crying in front of friends or in public. and yet, she told me how much i had embarassed her by 'making' her 'seem' like a monster, or a horrible parent. after she had forced me to go in with her. also in her car, she has started speeding on the highway and screaming at me, while i was begging her to slow down. as soon as i can drive, i am completely _done_ with her. i will refuse to be trapped again. these people are convinced that they're the victims, so they can't take responsibility. they perceive boundaries as rejection over and over again, until it actually becomes rejection. i am actually disgusted by my mother now. i try to be civil but it eats away at me inside. i try and correct her behaviour with open communicating _and_ boundaries that keep me from being too vulnerable, while still attempting to make her understand. i openly tell her that i am enforcing boundaries, as i don't want to manipulate her and act as though my corrections are 'normal', because they usually don't have to be so strictly enforced. good people will respect your boundaries, and you won't have to continuously repeat them to prevent overstepping; though we were taught not to voice them ever, and to let people cross lines and make us uncomfortable. identify and communicate your boundaries and needs in healthy relationships, and they will be respected. consistently defend your limitations with your parent, but tell them that's what you're doing. be honest. otherwise, it would seem like we're the aggressors. and to onlookers who don't understand, it may still seem this way. some people will understand. some will assume, but that's fine; don't air to everyone your dirty laundry. this would be a violation of privacy. my mother will often twist the truth and tell people lies, and i simply repeat the truth of the matter. say, 'that's not how it happened', and if they're disrespecting your right to privacy, you can say what _they_ actually did. this will teach them what they're doing by oversharing about you. don't overshare any more than they are, just correct their lies or share the context that they are leaving out in an attempt to make you seem wrong. this is going to happen as you aggravate them by having boundaries, and they might believe the lies they tell and repeat them internally to avoid being the one in the wrong. they will tell others your behaviour without context of what they did themselves, as a way of victimising themselves and framing you as an aggressor. that's fine; you don't need to care about what others believe, so long as you tell your truth. they can judge your character for themselves, and many people _will_ see you as you truly are.

[@arissa1762]

when enforcing boundaries, you have to do it sternly, and _as soon_ as they cross a line or commit a violation. this makes denial significantly more difficult for them, and gives them the ability to better understand what they're doing to you. this is how healthy communication works. don't let things fester, don't confront issues after the fact. if/when you do, they will likely claim plausible deniability; and in healthy relationships, this will be an issue on your part; it's problematic. and it will seem to your partner or friend, like you were waiting for the opportunity for conflict and had been gathering leverage to use against them. we do this with our bpd (or vulnerable narcissistic) parents, because we don't feel safe to confront them and put them in a bad mood when they're not yet. and because they normalise this behaviour by throwing things back in your face and shocking you, as you weren't told that you were doing something wrong before that point. it's difficult, but you need your boundaries. you deserve them, and you can't let people walk all over you. at least not without telling them how it makes you feel, and recognising that they are doing something wrong when intentionally ignoring your needs. you are not wrong for having them, assuming you're not hurting others the way they are you; accept other people's boundaries too, your needs should not violate theirs. many parents will ignore your communication of what they're doing wrong, but in this instance, when we spell it out for them and we respectfully verbalise and acknowledge our feelings, they are _knowingly_ choosing to violate you, if they continue. and you have every right to explain why you're not going to listen, and then excuse yourself. you don't have to take it, especially if you tell them and they continue. they're crossing a line, and they always were. but you are now old enough and capable of pointing out that line, and warn them that they are about to step on a crack in the sidewalk, and negatively affect someone. if they decide to step over the line, and cross the boundary, they're trespassing. you have every right to shoot to kill a trespasser, but should you? it will actually only serve to feed the abuser. your parent is very small, and now that you're not so small, and you've grown up, you don't have to stoop to their level. you can choose to be the bigger person. you deserved to have a bigger person raise you when you were small. you needed it. and, you _were_ desprived of something. it was robbed from you by this person, this parent. and they probably don't deserve you taking them under your wing anyways, so don't beat yourself up or feel bad when they deny your help. your inner child is likely still scared, and still little. so, you can be better than your adults were, and you have a responsibility now to look out for them, and protect them. take care of yourself, and love yourself unconditionally, the way a parent should. love means sacrifice, and it's going to be hard to nurture yourself while also trying to raise yourself into a good, productive person. sometimes your inner child is childish. maybe they're scared, or they're tired, and they don't want to do something. that's when you need to take over. you need to understand why you may feel something irrational. you need to teach yourself to be brave. you need to explain why, and don't tell yourself to do something just 'because you say so', or because someone else did. look out for yourself and take the time to do what is good for you. think about why it's a good thing to do, and how it will help you. listen when your inner child is afraid, and protect them from what is scaring them. do this by thinking logically, without dismissing your emotions. if something is truly wrong, come to that conclusion together. protect yourself, and your inner child, from those that are harming you or putting you at risk. (note; narcissists don't even try to give conditions, even in their own best interests; thus, their love for themselves is incredibly shallow). they always were, but they could deny to themselves what they were doing whenever you were younger. they might not have known the greater picture, but this is because they didn't consider how they were affecting you or would forever impact your view of the world. they're inconsiderate, or self-absorbed, and they likely didn't even think about your needs or your emotional wellbeing. they're too focused on their own. this isn't fair to us. being a parent and having children is a huge responsibility. and they were irresponsible, and they won't want to be held accountable for this. you can only communicate your needs, preferably without becoming too vulnerable to them. they don't need to know why you have a boundary, and they don't deserve to know if they are already ignoring the need itself. they probably won't encourage or value your boundaries. don't let it affect you. don't lose yourself, or your ability to enforce and speak up when you're uncomfortable. connect with yourself and you will form an identity. bpd makes someone lose their identity, because they get so wrapped up in the concept of identity. in reality, you simply need to listen to yourself. we all have intrusive thoughts, but we don't have to act on them if we don't feel they're right. we have our own moral compass. don't define yourself by your worser moments, and don't accept youer internal thoughts as a reflection of yourself. you are what you do. you aren't even necessarily what you've done, only what you do with yourself presently. whether you choose to accept what you did or not, or you still feel justified in doing it. don't let it control you, or hinder your better judgement. this is often your 'inner child', and children are not equipped to handle everything. especially abused children. they may be violent, they may be fearful or anxious, they may confuse things. don't indulge your tendencies to view yourself as bad. don't act on the intrusive thoughts or invasive thoughts; but _listen_ to them. don't ignore or deny or try to justify them. but, try to understand why you have them, or focus on why you choose not to act on them. respond to your worst impulses by listening, and then explaining to them why they're wrong. this will prevent you from ruminating for too long, going in circles trying to decipher them, and from accepting them as reflections of _you._ you need to listen to your conscience, and your gut feelings. sometimes they might be irrational, stemming from fears. like that of abandonment, or of rejection, or failure. sometimes you'll be too absorbed by trust issues, and you will imagine or doubt someone and their intentions. communicate that, to them. this will usually calm your insecurities and strengthen your bond with that person. be honest with yourself and others. when you know right from wrong, you can disconnect from your parent's treatment of you. you can understand what you deserve, and realise that you would never act the way that they do. that you wouldn't want to treat your child the way they're treating you. that they're doing something wrong, and you don't deserve it, and it's because they've succumbed to their own impulses. their own fears. it's not a reflection of you, and although you're not a reflection of your parents, you are holding up a mirror to them.

[@arissa1762]

i think i'm gonna write a book lmao. i love philosophy and i want to help. hopefully some of that ^^ is of use to you? it would have helped younger me to know what i do now, and i want to share what i do cohesively. a lot of common moral phrases fail to capture the complexity of things, and are easily misinterpreted. i know i missed the valuable meaning of many of them, before. it's a lot like when parents don't feel the need to explain why they ask something of you, and instead adhere to authority they have as the adult, likely not having a grasp on the reasoning themselves even if it is a valid request. kids (and grown people, too, to a lesser extent) need to be taught, and that is a parents job. in the _healthy_ example in this video, the mother is reassuring and calms her child's fears/nerves. but, like i said, many parents fail to do this, and fail to see their kids as children. some may not remember what it's like, others (like ours) never outgrew their childish thoughts and yet were thrust into adulthood. so, they expect the same of their children, and they don't understand why it's unfair. they expect us to figure it out ourselves, or to just accept things as the way they are. this is difficult to overcome, but we've got this! the world is at our fingertips, and we have a mind of our own to decipher the information we have access to. it's a great move to look into these topics, and to watch videos like this one! inform and accept yourself and better understand those around you as well. i'm sure you're on the right track. good luck!

[@lezbeehonest0294]

It's impossible to explain how diligent you become about everything you say, do, wear, and express.

[@ourtravelingzoo3740]

If someone said something to me like I may not be here next week etc. I would ask them if they are threatening to harm themselves and say I am hanging up now and calling 911 for your protection. That should put an end to that

[@onwardsandupwards7397]

I think it is much better for the adult child and the parent to talk at a quieter moment about what the parent can do when feeling that way and a plan for how the adult child and parent will handle this. What helps with BPD people is time and DBT skills to handle the intense emotional bursts and the cognitive confusion that results. "Mom, let's make a plan of what each of us will do when we are talking and you feel overwhelmed and upset." Using DBT skills is really essential. There is a skill called "Tip your temperature" which physiologically changes the state of intense emotions." Drink hot a hot drink or drink a cold drink; putting ice cubes on your face and pulse points. For me, feeling the presence of my feet in my shoes has always been grounding and comforting. The last think you want to do is respond with more intense emotion that the parent also has to digest. You have to understand your emotions and then connect them to thought which takes a lot of time. When you throw more emotions into the mix, boom! More emotions to process. It's okay to say to your parent: Mom, I'm feeling confused and overwhelmed myself. Please, let me get a cup of tea, and sit quietly, and call you back in x amount of time. It's true that you cannot be still the waves of your parent's emotion but you can learn skills to still your own emotional wasteland.

[@TheOriginalLexa]

It sounds like you’ve never experienced this kind of treatment from a parent or parental figure. That’s not only not a real option, but if it *did* happen, it would result in either no more contact from their end or you would pay fir it fir quite literally the rest of their (or your) life. That’s not an exaggeration, it’s a truth from my own life.

[@halfmoonyogi4997]

Nope, that's part of the bpd cycle 😂

[@daniellenoblet5131]

My mother threatened to shoot herself in a conversation about her money problems (that she made my problem) and while the police were confiscating her gun she rolled her eyes at the police officer and said I should have known better than to take her seriously. She never threatened it again though.

[@brianofarrell902]

Bingo

[@kalyasaify]

I dissociated heavily when it came to the healthy dialogue. you guys, is it really that way? omfg 😭💔

[@poison_plays]

Oh my god. I wished I’d seen this in 2014 when my ex started acting like this towards me and accusing me of abusing her. Not that I was a saint-far from it. I know now that I engaged in a lot of reactive abuse towards her when she’d go off the rails. But this is so illuminating. I’m so glad this is out there for anyone who needs to see it so they can understand much faster what it took me most of another decade to comprehend and choose to walk away from. Thank you so much for making these videos. You’re doing a lot of people an unmeasurable amount of good with this work. 💚

[@rebeccasharpe2432]

Did my FBI agent sell you conversations between my mother and I? My dad even lives in Chicago 😂

[@Badassmotherhugger]

"How Did We Get Here?" BRILLIANT! For a second I wished I hadn't already made an official break from my family so that I could use that one...but then I remembered that my mother would either stare off into space hearing only what she wants regardless of what comes out of my mouth, or else give me a warped playback of how things actually happened...😂 It was fun in my mind though! If I'm ever in a ridiculous scenario that escalates too quickly, I'm going to keep that one in my arsenal! PS, your acting is great in this. Almost TOO good. 🤔 Something tells me you may have drawn from real life on this one...

[@davidanelson1]

the insight and imagination it takes to play these roles so realistically is astonishing. its one thing to “get it” but quite another to be able to inhabit it.

[@ninabambinabambina2304]

Omg so accurate. I have a bpd mother. 'Don't you threaten me' 🙄

[@lavalampoondesign]

Would really appreciate role plays with the other types of borderline. Thank you for your work.

[@princetonshot]

I love these role plays. I need a role play for every mental illness just to see how it looks

[@Jen-qr4mf]

My mum is exactly like that and in the end she always brings this up .. I carried u in 9 months , giving u guilty feelings all the time.

[@malihezakarya8678]

Thank you. I don't feel guilt for being enpowered anymore. You removed shame out from me. Thank you. You showed me I am able to be a healthy parent myself. I really appreciate the great job you're doing for humanity and better world.

[@ukcheesexlovepotion]

This describes my mother well. She will say something hurtful, I will say what she said just hurt me, and then she'll double down with more abuse. Or she will say "sorry your feelings are hurt by what I said". I have cut contact with her and have been much more happy and healthy for it.

[@yakkkimitsu5088]

Yes mine would ironically say " yeeeas i m mean, i know you see me as the witch" it was invalidating my feelings in a weird way

[@ukcheesexlovepotion]

@@yakkkimitsu5088 completely! Mine says the very same thing. A way for them to deflect and redirect their discomfort and avoid accountability. This was a big reason I realized she wasn’t able to be the nurturing, loving mother I needed.

[@yakkkimitsu5088]

@@ukcheesexlovepotion wow it s courageous. This christmas she phoned me at 23h on the 24th december and she Said: i dont want you To come To the family dinner tomorrow. She excluded me for a weird reason and when I calmly tried discussing she yelled " stoop" and hung up the Phone. Dont have news since then. I m just hurt.

[@moniquejackson7741]

These role-plays are wonderful. They validate what we've been feeling and teach what healthy behavior looks like, and they always include tips for growth. Thanks so much!

[@aiureapriniarba7]

This is grandma from my father's side. I thought my dad was a malignant narc but it would seen this volatile part of his stems from BP. He once was so instantly mad thst he punched a table and broke his forearm bones, protruded through his skin. Just a moment of flashing fury. That's why I lived in fight of flight all 21 years I was with him at home. Thank you so much for all this hard work. This is an eye opener.

[@sophiafarah8246]

Man the third role is very tough… It’s still hard to find words to respond correctly but what I do is just walk away

[@marcystephens1625]

Yes, your videos are very helpful! I believe my mother to have bpd. In our last text interaction at some point I actually said, “I’m not angry at you. I’m just wondering how me missing my brother’s cookout has devolved into this.” This is the second role play I’ve watched while I’m waiting for a first appointment w/ a new counselor. The text interaction was the last straw because when I reread it, it became so clear. I’m 51. It’s time to heal.

[@KidRoctopus93]

In the most respectful way. This is hilarious. Cause you’re my mom dude haha. This is comedy/learning real things at the same time.

[@mjbreitmeyer6021]

Patrick, thank you so much for your invaluable work. Having eventually gone no contact with my, what a believe, BPD mother, I have been struggling emotionally and gaslighting myself. My grief has been so intense, that I've been tempted to reach out to her again and allow to be treated like a rug, just so she can be happy and feel loved. How sick is that?! Watching your videos bring me my sanity back. Why do we do this to ourselves? 🙏🏻💕

[@halikefire]

Sooooo I'm a borderline parent, I just stumbled on your content, first video!! Anyways, your trigger warnings are totally correct. It triggered the hell out of me. That's the kind of parent I fear I will become as my child continues to grow. I want to thank you for creating this. It gives me some version of the other side of the situation, like looking into a possible future if I don't maintain my progress in healing and controlling myself. Sorry for the novel length reply!